Classic Christmas Songs, Ranked by Lesbianism
Ah, the holidays, what a time! The snow, the tinsel, the gold, the urge to buy myself a million presents! While I’m famously a Grinch and only truly celebrate Halloween, I have a little bit of a Christmas spirit this year spurred by my cute niece who I love buying stuff for. As much as I don’t like this season, there are absolute bangers associated with this time of the year. Christmas music makes me think of hot chocolate, fuzzy slippers, and begrudgingly putting together the fake tree piece-by-piece. I feel like most gays either are really into Christmas or it is associated with bad memories. But, I myself will take any opportunity to find the dyke root in any piece of media, so I thought, why not rank some holiday classics by how much lesbian energy they exude? I haven’t listed every single Christmas song on here, just the ones I’m most familiar with growing up listening to what my parents usually played. So if you’re fav isn’t on the list, let me know your personal most lesbian Christmas songs in the comments!
14. “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” – Andy Williams
There is straight annunciation, and then there’s gay annunciation, and this song is very straight in its annunciation of pretty much every word. Even the word “gay” uttered sounds straight in this dude’s mouth. It’s also, I’d argue, the least fun song on the list. Yes, I still do know all the lyrics to it but you can just really hear Michael Bublé singing this one, and that kinda ruins it for me. I’m sure Michael is a lovely guy, but he makes straight white women of a certain age quiver, so no song he sings can be on the list, and no song that reminds me of him is granted the gift of lesbian energy.
13. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey
I’ll probably get pushback on this one. But nothing makes straight people happier than being able to sing this song right here. Especially straight women. They love this one! As they should, its a great song and Mariah delivers on vocals like no other. My thing is this is a song that definitely feels like it was written by and for straight folks. Which is fine. Straight people deserve things too, I guess. You can just imagine a straight couple lip-syncing this one to each other on a cold morning or afternoon, maybe opening up presents around the tree or whatever. Like I said, straight people deserve to lay claim to stuff to and this song is definitely one of the things they’ve got in thee bag.
12. “White Christmas” – The Drifters
There are many versions of this song, but this is the one that was in Home Alone, so it’s the only real one for me. This version is the one I sing in my head when I think of “White Christmas.” It may not be the best but it is just right. The lazy, relaxed vocals give it a pretty heterosexual feel. Also scatting is a straight activity.
11. “A Holly Jolly Christmas” – Burl Ives
I’m laughing as I’m typing this. What’s more hetero than saying “holly jolly” with a straight face? NOTHING!
10. “Jingle Bell Rock” – Bobby Helms
The way this song starts reminds me of the Beach Boys, and that’s pretty straight I’d say. But he does say “dancin’ and prancin'” which the gays love to do. This song has more gay energy than A Holly Jolly Christmas, but it isn’t exactly rife with sapphic tones either. Though we get the dancin’ and prancin’ line it is almost immediately countered by “giddy up jingle horse pick up your feet” which…bleh. I love gay cowboys just as much as the next person but that was some boring straight shit if I’ve ever heard it.
9. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” – Doris Day
Going home for the holidays isn’t very gay if you ask me, but I’m estranged from most of my family so I’m pretty biased. I love this rendition, Doris Day’s clean vocals and the soaring instrumentals of this one give it a special place in my heart! But it isn’t super lesbian. I can see lesbians thirsting after Miss Day though so the song scores points for that. Also the way it ends is so refreshing and gives me a little shiver.
8. “The Christmas Song” – Nat King Cole
Like I was saying earlier about gay vs. straight annunciation. The way Nat King Cole lingers on certain notes gives me lesbian energy. Also the way he says “SAAANTAAA” is so gay lmao. This song is not as high on the list because it’s not dripping with lesbian energy like some of other songs. This song is gay, I argue, but it’s like bringing your “roommate” of 10 years over for Thanksgiving gay — it hasn’t quite settled into its homosexuality.
7. “Santa Baby” – Eartha Kitt
Now you might be thinking “what is this song of a woman flirting with Santa doing so high on this list?” Let me explain. One of the first things she asks for is…a car. With like the year and make mentioned…you’re gonna tell me that’s not gay? Also, she says “think of all the fellas I haven’t kissed.” That’s what we call a loophole folks, she didn’t say she hasn’t kissed any women now did she? HM? She’s just a sexy femme that wants nice things! If you gotta flirt with Santa a little to get what you want, who can blame you? I’ll just look the other way.
6. “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch” – Thurl Ravenscroft
Being a Grinch is gay.
5. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – Brenda Lee
Brenda Lee’s voice has a little bit of edge to it that gives me lesbian vibes. Like she’s obviously got a very beautiful range and can sing her ass off but there’s a little bit of bite there that isn’t just traditional, pretty la-di-da singing. There’s something about the way her voice travels as she sings “you will get a sentimental feeling when you hear…” God it’s just so good. Also the twang of the guitar on this one is dykey, and no I won’t elaborate.
4. “This Christmas” – Donny Hathaway
Mr. Hathaway put his whole foot into this performance, making it the best rendition of “This Christmas” by a long shot. It sits high on the list because it gives me very new lesbian couple celebrating their first holiday together. Or, a couple that’s been together for a few years and it’s gonna be a “very special Christmas” because someone’s proposinggggg. Also, the opening lyrics of this song are gay: “hang on mistletoe, I’m gonna get to know you better this Christmas.” GAY.
3. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” – Judy Garland
This song just sounds like it’s being sung by someone who is dealing with some unrequited love. The lyric “someday soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow” is very Sappho if you know what I mean. Particularly, what I love about the Judy Garland version, is the emphasis she puts on the “Gay” in “make the yuletide gay.” She just puts a little sumn sumn into it, a little pizzazz. Now I know that’s not what she meant but it still stands, this song has gay energy all up and through it which is why it’s so high on the list.
2. “Last Christmas” – Wham!
“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.” Wow, if that doesn’t scream lesbian I don’t know what does. There was once this video by a lesbian comedian that said the one-year mark in lesbian relationships means it’s time to cheat and wow! This song reminds me of that. Not only is George Michael an icon, but he’s also got the smoothest fucking voice you’ve ever heard. This song is so damn good, the vocal performance to the lyrics — all incredibly gay. Who among us hasn’t had a relationship end at a year, and around the holidays? Perfect time to have a broken heart!
1. “Let it Snow” – Boyz II Men ft. Brian McKnight
Now, did I choose this as number one because it’s my favorite song? Maybe. Maybe because it was the song where I imagined myself in an oversized Christmas sweater teaching a beautiful woman how to shovel snow or put an ornament on the tree. You might even say, “this isn’t a classic” but it was in MY Black household! There’s something very gay about the opening vocal riff as well. Anything sung in falsetto is a little fruity if you ask me. This is not to say any member of Boyz II Men gives off gay energy, I don’t want the aunties to come for me, what it is saying is that the overall feeling of the song and the lyrics are giving first Christmas with your new love. I would have elaborate fantasies of my life with a woman play out to this song, so it has got a special place in my heart and on this list. What sells the song’s lesbian energy for me is its palpable yearning. You can just hear it in every note, the vocal acrobatics and sort of slow, tempered music behind them is like an older Black lesbian couple that’s been together for a while. I can just see them holding each other and swaying to this song. It warms my little frozen heart.