Liquor In The Toys: Five Neato Burrito Toys I Want For My Bar

Feature image via Keyhug.

Bonjour and good day, my lovely queer possums. Did you guys know I have a bar in my apartment? Nothing cray cray, just a small bar that I have a crap ton of fun with. Still, I’m always coveting new and exciting things for my bar and you probably are too. Let’s covet these together (and perhaps treat ourselves), shall we?

via Amazon

1. A Manual Juicer

Orange-X Professional Juicer, $123.64.

Manual juicers are double awesome because a) they look super cool and heavy and awesome and b) they get a crap ton of juice out of citrus with minimal, minimal effort. I’m a big proponent of using fresh juice when you mix drinks—it’s a really easy way to up your game and make your cocktail a million times tastier. As of right now, I use one of those little plastic thingies to juice*. My oh my do I wish I had the big guns.

*I have actually since lost the little plastic thing I use to juice! It’s probably in a friend’s house where I have gone and mixed cocktails. Friends, if you are reading this and you think the extra plastic juicer you have might be mine, please give me a call.

via Amazon

2. Atomizer

Oenophilia Martini Atomizer, $7.85.

My favorite cocktail and my signature move is a Sazerac. It’s rumored to be the oldest cocktail, but I’ve found at least one resource that states that’s bullshit. Still, it’s old and it’s classic and it requires an absinthe rinse—yes, just a rinse. A rinse is when you coat the inside of the glass with a liquor instead of mixing it in. It makes a nice subtle flavor, especially when you’re playing with something as strong as absinthe. However, when I taught the attendees of the A-Camp whiskey tasting how to make one, I almost stopped 20 queermos’ breath when I dumped the rinsed absinthe out. Some people actually screamed. Sweet Lesbian Jesus! IT NEEDS TO BE A RINSE, PEOPLE. You’ll ruin the balance if you just leave it in there. I do recognize, however, that it is a little bit wasteful. The solution is this atomizer—basically a very fine spray apparatus that will let you coat the inside of a glass with just enough liquor. Waste not, want not.

via Amazon

3. Fancy Mixing Glass

Cocktail Kingdon Yarai Mixing Glass, $42.95.

When I make a stirred drink (basically anything without a fruit juice or eggs or cream), I just stir in a pint glass because I can. It works. However, something a bit wider (that doesn’t taper down like a pint glass) is always nice if you can get it—then you can make nice sweeping motions with your bar spoon without clanking the hell around and chipping ice and making your drink all weird and watery and just in general making a very unpleasant noise. Plus this would look really very pretty sitting on my bar next to my absinthe fountain. Speaking of which—

via Amazon

4. Replacement Pontarlier Glasses

Rue Verte Absinthe Pontarlier Glasses and Spoons (two of each), $40.99.

At one point in my life I had four beautiful reservoir glasses (used for preparing and drinking Absinthe) that I brought home from Paris with me. During some move or another, they did not make it into the rest of my possessions. I really want to repurchase these glasses—no need to measure, just fill the bottom “ball” with absinthe and then do the standard fountain drip over a sugar cube. Blammo.

*If any of my friends, family or former roommates are reading this and you wound up with my absinthe glasses, please return them and we can drink together!

via Fab.com

5. Whiskey Stones

Teroforma Whiskey Sones (set of 9), $17.50.

Many whiskeys actually are supposed to have a little water added to them, so many recommend using one ice cube with a large surface area (like those ice-balls or those really big square ones). However, there are those of us who are slow to drink (what, we like to savor it, okay?). I am one of those people, and if you are too you know the last half of that glass is basically whiskey flavored water. Enter whiskey stones—the cold stones will cool your drink and obvi they won’t melt. If the stones begin to melt, put down the whiskey. You have had enough.

Also, you know what whiskey stones are also good for? Cooling white wine in the glass when you have pre-planned enough to keep it in the fridge for the proper amount of time. This is a problem I have often. I should really get a set, is what I’m saying.

What are your neato burrito bar toys that you highly recommend to everyone? What kind of equipment are you coveting and slowly working up the justification to purchase? Please do share! I’m always looking for more neat bar toys to play with.

In a semi-regular segment entitled Liquor In The ______, I’m going to write to you about all the different ways you can liquor. I recognize that it’s weird, especially for those of you who have actually had a drink with me, because I am what the frat boys would call a “two-beer queer” (what I would call a “no-beer queer,” as I’m gay all the live long day). But I get drunk very easily, is the point. Still, I really really like beer, wine and liquor and want to share that love for the artistry of alcohol with you all, my favorite queers. Let’s lift a pint to alcohol and our Autostraddle community – they go together like wine and soft cheese.

Header by Rory Midhani