Previously on Legends of Tomorrow, Mick was reunited with his high school sweetheart, Nate is trying to solve the mystery of Zari’s original timeline and Zari got a glimpse of it while trying to hack Gideon, Astra is releasing evil souls from hell and Constantine is trying to stop her by way of her mother, who apparently currently resides in the basement of Constantine’s abandoned Northumberland home.

We open there, in Northumberland, right after Constantine did a spell to open the big spooky door where Astra’s mother supposedly lives. Gary and Charlie are pacing outside the door, and Gary is worried because Constantine sounds like he’s in a good deal of pain in there. But Charlie is sure he deserves it.

Gary decides he wants to go in and save his liege, so he starts to do a spell but he fumbles it so it only pops out the doorknob so now they can SEE Constnatine getting tortured but still can’t do anything about it. But, Constantine isn’t tortured for much longer, because as soon as she sees her opening, Astra’s mother’s ghost comes wooshing out and into the house.

Meanwhile, on the Waverider, Sara accidentally scares the babeebo out of Ava because she sometimes forgets she doesn’t have to move like a stealthy assassin.

I wonder if Sara was ever voted Most Likely To Use Her Skills for Mischief in the League of Assassins.

Ava invites her to shower with her, all nonchalant, and though Sara is delighted, she unfortunately can’t. She is just here to ask Ava to woman the ship and be interim captain while she runs off to Star City for a few days. (In reality, it’s because Caity Lotz shadowed the director on this episode, and directed the next, but I like to think they’re going to start using Star City the way Pretty Little Liars used Out of Town.)

Ava is nervous because she feels like she is just starting to find her place as a Legend, and people didn’t exactly LOVE her when she was in charge at the Bureau, but Sara knows she’ll do great and says goodbye to her Captain Pantsuit.

“Here’s a lil flex to remember me by.”

And they didn’t notice, but Zari overheard that whole conversation. Well, the part about Ava being nervous she wouldn’t be as liked as Cool Captain Sara. Not the shower part.

Down in hell, Astra is pulled aside by a demon and told that her Encore game is a losing one and tells her she has to turn the tide ASAP. But she says she has a plan, and she rips off her necklace, which turns out to be John Constantine’s soul coin on a chain.

Back in Northumberland, the ghost is zipping around the house like that one part in Casper and Constantine is trying to tell Charlie and Gary the story of the woman now haunting them, Natalie. He tells them that she died when a drunk driver hit her, and that her husband Alex begged him to bring her back. But as soon as he says that, “LIAR” is splattered on the wall, so Charlie knows he’s lying and tells him to do better.

“I said I loved WATCHING Haunting of Hill House I didn’t say I wanted to be IN it.

He then claims he botched it because a demon took Astra to hell when he brought Natalie back, and that afterwards Natalie ended up killing herself because she couldn’t take the thought that her life had cost her daughter’s. But then two little ghostly children in masks skip through the room and Charlie knows that there’s still more Natalie wants to tell them.

Up on the Waverider, Behrad is giving Zari a tour, and while the galley and its endless supply of food doesn’t interest her much, the fabricator does because she has a perfume launch event tonight and wants a custom dress for it. Behrad also tells her about Gideon, who runs all these cool toys, and how she monitors the timeline, and suddenly Zari is interested in the AI she’s been sassing since she got here. She wants to know what her future holds, but Ava steps in and tells her that the number one rule of time traveling is to not look into the future for personal gain.

And another rule is no social media on the ship. Needless to say, suddenly Zari isn’t Ava’s biggest fan.

Talk to the gay hand because my face ain’t listening.

When Ava leaves, Zari calls Ava a waste of a good head of hair and charms her phone back from Behrad without even trying.

This doesn’t actually end up coming to play in this episode, but one cute thing that happens is that Mick asks Gideon to scan him for STDs but her and Ray’s diagnosis isn’t the clap, he’s just twitterpated.

Back in the control room, Ava calls her first team meeting as acting Captain.

I’m a little sad that in assuming Sara’s role as captain Ava didn’t also take up her penchant for tank tops.

She scolds Zari for having her phone again, but Zari says she has to message her boyfriend. DJ S’moremoney. Classic.

Anyway, Ava tells them about the Bureau’s ALOHA plan of action: Assess, Listen, Observe, Hydrate, and Attack.

You know a lesbian made this up because queer folks love to remind each other to stay hydrated.

The team tries to tell them that a plan like this is a little too corporate; they’re more of a start-up kind of vibe. So, in desperation to keep them all on her side, she has Gideon scan the timeline to find an Encore in Paris 1793.

“My Encore brings all the girls to the yard.”

It seems the Encore in question is going to cause the French Revolution to collapse, so she makes a Les Miserables joke that would have made Sara proud and leads the team out.

When she gets back from getting dressed as Young Cosette, Ava is surprised to see Zari dressed up like she’s coming on this mission. She tells her there are no ridealongs in the field, but Zari uses what she overheard to her advantage and jabs Ava right in her weak spot, so Ava agrees to let her come.

Who could say no to that FACE?

So Zari spritzes the ladies with a lil perfume and off they go.

It turns out that they’re lucky to have her, because they find themselves face to face with an exclusive party, and it just so happens that Zari’s socialite skills are precisely what they need.

They get inside for what they thought was an execution party, but looks a bit more like a frilly fraternity party, so they are quite confused.

Down in hell, Astra goes to see the Coinmaker, shows her the coin in question, and tells her that she wants to kill John Constantine.

And frankly, the longer he keeps Charlie from the Waverider, the more I’m on #TeamAstra.

And speak of the devil…wait, I guess I can’t say this because on this show I could be talking about the literal devil. So, speaking of Constantine, he’s telling Gary and Charlie about the night Alex and Constantine were talking about Natalie’s death and how Alex blamed himself and how Astra hadn’t spoken a word since she died. And then it comes out that the resurrection bit was actually John’s idea. Constantine says they were best friends, of course he tried to save her, but the house rattles and shakes and Charlie knows he’s still not being completely truthful.

“I swear to the gods if you get us killed I will haunt your ass faster than you can spell Ouija.”

Then the radio turns on by itself and what I can only describe as screamo starts playing. Gary recognizes it as Mucous Membrane.

Back in France, Ava tries to get the team to start her ALOHA plan with the “Assessment” portion, but Behrad reminds her that they’ve done a million party sneaks before. Zari calls Ava desperate, and Ava is starting to feel like she’s losing control of the situation.

Much professional, very captain.

Nate notices things feel off, because there are an awful lot of bougie people here with their heads still attached, and also Napoleon is at this party when he absolutely should not be. Then Ray sees Nora. Well, he sees Nora and we see Nora, but Nate sees Marie Antoinette, Queen of France. Their new Encore.

I really wish Sara had been here to make a joke about the last queen of France they met.

The boys think “fatal attractiveness” could be her superpower, but then Zari stops Behrad from almost drinking when he decidedly doesn’t. When they realize he’s in a bit of a fog, they know something fishy is up. Marie rolls out a guillotine and at first Ava thinks it’s magic, but then Marie just cuts a cake with it and shouts her infamous line.

Frankly this is genius and now I want a guillotine-shaped food slicer.

Everyone rushes toward the cake like it’s the elixir of life and Ava and Zari watch one man literally bop til he drops, falling dead at their feet from all the partying. They realize that Marie has a supercharm power and that the boys have all fallen for it. But they don’t seem to be affected, so it’s up to them to stop it. Zari gets a little excited to be included but Ava brushes it off like she has no other options.

Hopeful Zari is my favorite Zari.

Zari has an idea, but Ava will need to change first. Ava is hesitant to leave the party just to change but Zari holds out her hand and says, “Trust me,” so Ava does.

Back in Northumberland, Constantine tells Charlie and Gary that Natalie was in his band, Mucous Membrane, with him, and that she was very good. Charlie recognizes that tone in his voice and knows he was in love with her, and when he doesn’t deny it, Natalie shows them an echo of the night she died, and what really happened. It wasn’t an argument with her husband, but with Constantine. She asked him to choose, her or magic. And he chose wrong.

Charlie tries to get more truths out of him but Constantine turns the conversation on her, asking why she left the Legends. But then Natalie possesses Charlie.

In France, Ava and Zari re-enter the party, now BOTH fully dressed to be hobnobbing here amongst the elite.

“Watch the buggers dance, watch ’em till they drop.”

Zari decides Ava has watched her work long enough and shoves her toward Marie the way my mother used to shove me toward other kids on the playground when I was being too shy.

Ava’s biggest fan.

Marie realizes immediately that she doesn’t know Ava, but Ava takes what she learned from Zari and teases Madame Antoinette with an after-party.

“Apres moi le deluge.”

Ava is all excited and tells the team she’s taking Marie back to the Waverider, but then Marie calls out to her partygoers and everyone starts stampeding after her. They try to fight Marie away, but then her head pops off like a dandelion’s. And of course, being an Encore, she can’t die, so there she is, in two parts, and screaming about it. So the Legends pick up her pieces and run her back to the Waverider.

This shot right here is reason 973 why I love this silly show.

When they get to the ship Ava thanks Zari for being so clutch in that mission, and lets her use the fabricator to make a dress for her perfume launch party.

In the Haunted Mansion, Natalie uses Charlie’s shapeshifting genetics to shape herself to look like her own body. Face to face with his ex-lover, Constantine is finally compelled to tell the truth.

I wouldn’t mind being haunted by her.

He’s the one who wanted to bring her back; he loved her, but wanted to prove that he was right to choose magic. Natalie is glad he can see that now. She tells him that if he’s going to save Astra, he has to do it selflessly. Constantine doesn’t know how to save her, but Natalie has an idea.

Back on the Waverider, Marie’s head catches Zari’s attention.

I love the little Harley Quinn heart this harlequin has.

Marie tells Zari a story about how she was forced to leave home at 14 and that everyone thought she was a spoiled brat when really she was just a lonely girl. Zari can relate, and thinking about Marie’s fate and suddenly being worried about her own, she goes against Ava’s advice and takes a peek into her future. (Also she calls Gideon “Gidget” which tickled me for no particular reason.) Gideon shows Zari a news clip about Zari basically getting cancelled because her perfume caused nose damage to her distraught fans.

Me reading my mentions after I tweet something I didn’t realize was a hot take.

Zari, genius that she is, quickly puts together that it’s Marie’s perfume that gave her the magic charm, and that her and Ava were immune because of Zari’s perfume.

Taking her fate into her own hands, Zari decides to take Marie’s magic perfume to the launch instead of her own.

Before she leaves, she gags Marie’s head, and after she leaves, Marie gets so desperate that she ends up being able to break her body free of its restraints.

Cut to New York City, 2044, where Zari arrives at her launch party to find her frazzled assistant wondering where she’s been, even though technically Zari could have dropped back where she left off, but apparently she wanted to skip right to the party. Her boyfriend DJ S’moremoney is there, complete with a giant deadmau5-but-make-it-dessert s’more head, and he wants to plan their public, promotional proposal.

Feeling a little out of the loop and off her game, Zari feels she needs the popularity perfume more than ever, so does a little spray before heading to the red (well, pink) carpet.

Zari is cute as hell but her boyfriend is an embarrassment to s’mores everywhere.

Up on the Waverider, when Ava realizes she can’t taste anything, she puts together what Zari put together mere minutes ago; and she also realizes Zari stole the perfume. Ava is beating herself up but the team reassures her this is par for the course.

So they rush off to stop Zari, while Ray and Mick try to catch Marie Antoinette’s hilariously headless body that is stumbling around shooting Mick’s gun, for one of the funniest visual comedy stunts this show has ever pulled, in my humble opinion.

Down on the pink carpet, DJ S’moremoney is so taken by the charm perfume that he just can’t wait one more second and has to propose to Zari right then and there. But his big dumb head hits Zari’s perfume and the whole bottle spills all over her, causing the photographers and press and everyone to start zombie walking toward her.

Zari starts to run and luckily Ava, Nate and Behrad (sprayed with a protective layer of the good bad perfume) show up and use ALOHA just in time. Ava leads Zari to the fountain and holds out her hand asks her to trust her like they’re reenacting a scene from Aladdin and they hold hands and jump into the water together.

“You jump, I jump. I learned that this is a thing people who are just friends say to each other from a business contact I have back in National City.”

The perfume wears off and everyone stops marching toward Zari, at which point Nate decides to punch Zari’s boyfriend. Which seems excessive but whatever. The Legends get back in time to see Ray and Mick tackling the headless body they had been chasing.

At Northumberland’s own Hill House, Natalie shows them another vision of a little Constantine and little Natalie playing the classic children’s game, “Loom of Fate.” Natalie says that the Loom of Fate is real, and that she drew Charlie to this house specifically because of it. Charlie, having been a champion of the truth this whole night, realizes she can’t lie now and says that she destroyed it.

I want a Charlie flashback episode and I want it now!

Up on the Waverider, Behrad gives Zari a flannel and a donut, not even knowing about Original Zari’s habits, just thinking of ways to comfort his sister, because she feels bad and like she ruined things by being selfish.

Sara holograms in and asks how things went, and Ava is about to tell her the whole sordid tale, but the team jumps in and backs her up and says Ava did a great job as interim captain and y’all it made me EMOTIONAL.

It made Sara feel some type of way too, because she tells Ava to call her later so she can…thank her properly.

I can’t even flirt properly in a text and Sara is making the transparent thing work for her HOW

Then Sara hangs up and the team give Ava a hard time about it, the same way they gave Sara a hard time when she first started a flirtationship with Ava. It’s very cute.

Zari takes her donut and her flannel and goes out to her spot in the control room and takes a bite of the sugary deliciousness and…remembers.

“It’s all coming back, it’s all coming back to me now. There were sprinkles of gold and there was frosting of white. There were ones I’d never eat again but then they’d always seemed right.”

All the donuts she’s eaten over the years with the Legends come flashing to her one sprinkle at a time, but before she can put any of the frosting-covered pieces together, Ava snaps her out of it. Zari apologizes again and and Ava tells her that everyone screws up. Zari is impressed that Ava doesn’t seem to care what people think of her, and is just comfortable being herself, and Zari admits that she’s spent so long trying to curate herself into someone everyone would like, she started to lose herself along the way. She says she doesn’t even have any real friends, and Ava corrects her; she’s got one.

You can just tell Jes and Tala love #Zava scenes and it makes them so fun to watch.

They hold hands and walk arm in arm out of the room and it’s very cute and sweet until Zari tells Ava to stop wearing pantsuits which frankly could be considered a hate crime.

Down in hell, the Coinmaker tells Astra that technically Constantine has ten more years to live before he dies of lung cancer, but Astra tells her to speed it up. The Coinmaker agrees to do it, in exchange for a future favor, and Astra agrees. So the Coinmaker starts to turn the little gears.

In Constantine’s old house, Gary realizes that if Charlie broke the Loom of Fate, she must be pretty old, and Charlie does agree with a curt, “Old” before explaining that she scattered the pieces of the loom of fate across the multi-verse a long time ago, but that lately something changed, and something in her past felt like it was catching up with her.

“It’s almost like…there was some sort of…CRISIS.”

It seems like she’s about to tell us the secret of the universe, and if maybe she’s been one of the Fates all along (like how ironic would it be if this shapeshifter turned out Atropos aka “The Inflexible One), but before she can divulge anything, Constantine starts coughing up blood.

The Coinmaker finishes disabling the soul coin, leaving Astra delighted, Gary and Charlie alarmed, and John Constantine dead on the floor.

Astra is me. I am Astra.

Next week is Genghis Kahn and Caity Lotz’s directorial debut!

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