It Appears That Straight Women Are Not Okay

I recently asked the internet if straight women were okay. Their wellbeing has always been a concern of mine given the options afforded to them, but it became genuine worry after a cursory targeted product search. There were inflatable husbands that were preferable to real ones, sex checks that were supposed to maintain balance in the bedroom, books that were dedicated to husbands actually having to unlearn how to not be an asshole, and coffee mugs that deferred to the spacial requirements of a man. The situation seemed dire, but one I wasn’t ready to call without word from the source.

Well, it seems we made contact. Straight women got our message, and they’ve answered with a resounding “absolutely the hell not” via their most prized medium of self expression: Pinterest.

Sounds like a stretch, I know. But take a peak at these unprompted autofill screenshots that came to me hot off the tip line from commenter Sally – who claims to have been doing “research” on the popular DIY site, which is a likely story for another time I’m sure – and tell me that these are not unique cries for help.

1. Hair/Makeup/Nails

Let’s just get this out of the way: there is nothing inherently wrong about liking makeup, hair, or nail designs. Show me a smokey eye tutorial on my deathbed and I’ll be intrigued. But typing “makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails” over and over puts out a vibe that you’re smiling vacantly at a screen with unblinking eyes and it’s like, oop, yep, got it, SOS received.

2. Relationship goals

This is one of two things. One, it’s seeking validation for current relationship goals, or two, it’s searching for actual relationship goals. Either way, this is a life unlived. We hear you.

3. Grey living room

Ouch. An outlier that speaks volumes. Noted.

4. Tumblr funny

This is some wake me up (wake me up inside) ((I can’t wake up) (((save me))))/send in the clowns signaling. Give me that “anything is better than this” content, am I right, ladies? Loud and clear.

5. Bucket list

It’s not always easy to know what you want in life. There’s no denying that. But looking up things the universal you should want to do before you die is BLEAK. There’s this thing that kitchen staff say as a shorthand way to say, “I’m acknowledging I heard what you just said,” without getting into a whole thing about it, which is “heard that order,” and… heard that order.

6. Small tattoos

I don’t know why this one has rocked me as hard as it has, but damn, let straight women get regular sized tattoos. As to why they’d think they need to specify that it be small, COPY THAT.

7. Fairy garden

This one seems like it might be about whimsy but trust me when I say this is disassociation at its finest. Clocked.

I’m not sure where we go from here. Do we put up flyers? Wear a special pin? Maybe when you see them at a Pride event this month crowding the very bar you’re trying get a drink from, make sure to remind them that we are their allies in this fight and then wait for instruction.

Until then, RT to save a life.