How to Have Lesbian Sex With a Trans Woman

Feature image of Mistress Kara and Stefani Special in Crash Pad Series episode 220, collaged by Sarah Sarwar.

Some lesbian, bisexual and queer women have penises. Trans women come all sorts of ways, and some of us haven’t had surgery yet or don’t want to. Also some trans women are queer! The conversation about trans lesbian sex often focuses on anal, or on using the non-trans partner’s genitals — but that’s not all there is. Trans lesbians and their partners can have sex in so many fun ways that do involve their penis and testicles, but don’t necessarily trigger dysphoria. There’s a lot of fun you can have, and while sex between someone with a penis and someone with a vagina is the norm of what we’re presented in society, not many of those tips deal with the fact that maybe one of those people is a woman. So I’m here to help you have the best girl-on-girl sex you’ve ever had as or with a trans woman.

These tips focus on sex with hands and mouths, since personally PIV sex is much harder on my dysphoria. And I know that not all trans women have penises, and that queer women can have sex with people with penises who aren’t trans women, but here I’ll be referring to women (trans or cis) having non-PIV sex with a trans women with a penis.

Figure out what you want.

The first step in great trans lesbian sex is actually figuring out what you like yourself. If you want to tell your partner what words and actions you want, you need to know them first, you know? Reading erotica or watching trans porn (I’d recommend sticking to feminist porn, like the Crash Pad Series, and avoiding trans porn made by cis men) can help you figure out what you find sexy about your body, and what you want to do with that body. It can also help you figure out what language you like.

Try different ways of masturbating. Instead of a “jerking” motion, explore different parts of your genitals. Whether or not “traditional” masturbation causes you dysphoria, there are so many ways to feel yourself. Try using a vibrator or removable shower head. You can also use your fingers to explore your perineum and testicles. Try different pressures, speeds and intensities on different points and see what feels good.

By exploring with yourself, you might learn that maybe you like dirty talk; maybe the idea of your girlfriend going down on you seems really great; maybe you love toys, maybe it’s something else! The key is to get in touch with yourself to figure out what you want. And remember, it’s okay to think you like something and change your mind.

Talk about what you want.

Just like with any kind of sex, communication is key. Start by talking about what words you want to use for your genitals — some words might turn you or your partner on, others might cause dysphoria, and others might just do nothing for you. I know t-girls who use words like penis, clit, girldick, sexy bits, lady parts and a lot of others. Instead of saying “blow job,” try talking about “going down” or “eating out.” Explore what feels sexy and good to you, and then communicate that to your partners. And if you aren’t totally sure what words a partner uses, ask!

Next, talk about safer sex. Trans women who haven’t had surgery have a chance of getting their partners pregnant, so keep that in mind. And regardless of pregnancy-related protection, if you aren’t fluid bonded with your partner, wear a condom, and use a dental dam for any oral on anyone’s anus or vulva.

Then, talk about what you actually want to do. Some techniques might work better for you than others, some might not work at all, and the only way for your partner to know is if you tell her. Be specific; it’s okay and hot to show her, too. It’s also okay to not be sure about what you like or what you’re into, and to want to explore together. If that’s the case, go slow, check in every step of the way, and remember that it’s okay to ask each other questions, try things out together, and figure out what ways of having sex together feel good to both of you.

Think about types of touch.

In terms of tissue structure and sensitivity, penises are basically just like clits, but bigger. This means that a lot of the types of touch that would feel good to a clit might feel good to a penis — and those same types of touch can help avoid triggering dysphoria.

The default model of pleasuring a penis involves an up-and-down motion, whether with hands or a mouth or other types of penetration. But there are lots of things to try beyond that! We’ll get to those in a second.

The default model of pleasuring a penis also assumes that the penis is hard. Many trans women on hormones don’t get as hard as they did before hormones, or don’t get hard at all. But sex is so much more than a hard penis, and soft penises are sexy. You can play with them in all the same ways you would with a hard penis, but think more about specific erogenous zones and finding the sensitive spots, and remember that touch can feel deeper (because there isn’t a lot of blood-filled tissue in the way).

Use your hands.

If you’re going to have handsex, get out some lube. Water- and silicone-based lubes work great, as does coconut oil. A non-irritating lotion will work in a pinch, but since it’s not designed for handsex, you’ll probably have to reapply. (If safer sex is a concern, stick to water- or silicone-based lube.)

If your partner is a trans woman, one way to start is to cup her whole penis and scrotum in your hand and massage them like you would a vulva. If she’s soft, try curving her shaft towards her belly and cupping her that way, holding her testicles and penis so that the penis is pointing up and the sensitive underside is exposed for your lubey fingers to explore. Or cup her testicles and use your thumb to massage the head.

The tip of the penis is one more sensitive area, especially at the point where the tip meets the shaft. Grip the shaft of the penis and using your thumb or thumb and a finger to play with the head. Try making an “o” with thumb and ring finger, and use small, firm motions on the tip. Consistent pressure, especially on the tip, is key. If the penis has a foreskin, a partner can stick her finger between the foreskin and penis. (If there’s no foreskin, be extra sure to use enough lube.) Also pay attention to the base — it has a lot of nerve endings, and pinching it, pressing on it or massaging it can create some wonderful sensations. Like with oral sex, use pressure that’s harder than you think it should be. And again, communicate! Ask your partner what she’s feeling and what types of touches she’s into. And if you want to be squeezed harder or gentler, let your partner know, and if they’re doing a great job, let them know even more.

Squeezing and pulling on the testicles can also produce some really wonderful sensations, and the same goes for pressing on the perineum. Vibrators can be especially fun on the perineum and testicles. Continuing to treat trans penises like a clit, pressing a vibrator against the base of the penis or underside of the tip is a great way to create a sexy sensation. Generally speaking, stronger vibrators are better.

Use your mouth.

Like with handsex, oral sex on a trans woman’s penis looks different from oral sex on a cis penis. Some similar techniques might work really well for the specific trans woman you’re sleeping with, and if so, that’s great! If not, here are some things that I’ve found helpful. Instead of making head-bobbing motions, try to focus on the erogenous zones with your tongue and suction. The tip of the penis is extremely sensitive, and a good strategy is to spend a lot of time there. Try using your tongue on the underside of the tip. Try moving your tongue in circles or figure eights around the tip. Try putting your mouth around the tip with your tongue cupping the bottom of it. Now suck.

You can also give the base attention. Try pressing your tongue down against it. Try alternating between the base and the tip with a little time spent on other areas and the testicles. Try suction and friction, it’s this resistance that’s going to cause the most pleasure. No matter the type of touch, remember to press harder with your tongue and lips than you think you should. This applies to both the tip and the base and to hard and soft penises. That pressure is a good thing. So is enthusiasm.

Try external prostate stimulation.

External prostate stimulation might be something you aren’t familiar with, but it’s honestly one of my favorite things. The prostate is located inside the groin, pretty much right between the end of the testicles and the anus, and it’s just a ball of nerves that operates a lot like the g-spot. A common way to stimulate it is with anal sex, but you can also press your finger or tongue on the perineum (the space between genitals and the anus) right up through there and apply pressure on the “p-spot” as it’s sometimes called. These orgasms are powerful and long and, for a lot of people, it’s easier to have more of them then other kinds of orgasms. Try starting with one or two fingers and pressing up and in just below the testicles. You’ll probably have to adjust your angle and pressure to find the prostate depending on the person.

The other great thing about external prostate stimulation is the way it fights dysphoria. When my prostate is stimulated this way, I don’t feel like I have a penis anymore. It can produce a sensation of being penetrated, but in the genital area rather than the anus, making a feeling of gender euphoria. The prostate can be in there a bit and behind muscle, so don’t be afraid to push to find it. Small circles and repeated up and down motion, like a massage, work well. Doing this all with a vibrator works even better.

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities. Employment of the term “lesbian sex” in this post uses “lesbian” as an adjective to describe sex between two women or people who identify with that experience, regardless of the sexual orientation of the two people involved.

Sex ed almost never includes queer women or our experiences, so we’re exploring pleasure, safety, relationships and more to make that information more accessible. A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines.

Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!

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Mey

Mey Rude is a fat, trans, Latina lesbian living in LA. She's a writer, journalist, and a trans consultant and sensitivity reader. You can follow her on twitter, or go to her website if you want to hire her.

Mey has written 572 articles for us.

80 Comments

  1. This is a great article! As a trans lady stuff like is always awesome to come across. Sending it to my trans friends right now =^.^=

  2. Mey, this is a FANTASTIC intro. Thanks so much for the thoughtful, detailed, compassionate writing (for all involved)!

  3. I was just searching for articles like this the other day- Thank you so much for writing and sharing this, Mey!

  4. Thank you so much for this Mey! Although I am planning to have bottom surgery, it’s a while off, and it’s very refreshing to see sex ed info designed for me with the body I have now!

  5. Thank you so much, I’m still getting used to my changing body and it’s nice to have an article I can show any future partners. I had hoped to make it to the workshop at A Camp but getting rather sick.

  6. Speaking of porn, Mandy Mitchell(trans) and her wife Bianca(cis) make some fairly good lesbian porn. Some of their videos include a 3 or 4 woman(cis and trans). The titles still use slurs sometimes(for clicks I think), but the videos itself are respectful.

    The last time I had naked time, the person I’m seeing really thought it was hot that I was using her favorite toy. She was even respectful and really good when dysphoria kicked at some point. I think it’s why I am really into her.

  7. Thank you thank you thank you! I have just started dating two trans women (the polyamory community is so queer I love it) and this is something I have been nervous about not screwing up but was scared of googling it as I didn’t think that anything actually useful and not fetishy would come up. I Will talk to my partners if/when we get to that stage but this has definitely given me some reassurance so thank you again.

  8. Thanks for this article! Respect and communication were so important when my wife and I first got together (before her surgery). And I definitely read all of the trans* 101 articles on autostraddle.

    Post-op things got tricky as she was depressed (which we later learned can occur after surgery), and having to figure out what felt good and when.

    • Yeah, I’m a year out from surgery, and my wife and I are *still* figuring out what feels good for me. It’s definitely a journey!

      • Yes! My wife is four years post-op and the current consensus is that she is kinky and I am not. So, she has other partners which helps.

  13. I’m part of a queer/trans discord and a few of the members there use the word hen for their penis cause it’s the female chicken instead of cock which is the male. I find the term super cute and i use it sometimes!

  15. Y’know there are a hundred lesbian websites on the internet that exclude lesbian trans women or pretend we don’t exist. Is it too much to ask to let us and our allies have this ONE? Don’t y’all have anything better to do?

  16. This is an awesome article. I saw it because I follow Autostraddle on facebook. The comments section on the facebook article made me feel bad for any trans people who might read it. Can we get some moderation over there?

  17. Warning: do NOT read the comments on Twitter under the post for this article (and I suppose it’s the same for Facebook). I feel sick.

    Keep being awesome, Autostraddle <3 Thanks for writing stuff like this.

    • Uhh…because there already are dozens of articles on AS about pleasuring people with vaginas?

    • This article is part of a series in which all the other articles have included information on how to pleasure people with vaginas. Given that context, it’s entirely reasonable for this one to focus on lesbians with external genitalia.

      And no, it couldn’t have been written about straight couples because some of the logistics are in fact different.

  19. Hey, please get a mod over to your FB post about this article. There are transphobic comments piling up.

  22. Just came here to say: lesbians, take a chance on dating trans women! I dated a wonderful woman for 5 years who was assigned male at birth. This was back in the aughts, when there was much less trans visibility, and people were incredibly rude to us. Unfortunately from these comments it looks like a lot of lesbians are still quite rude when it comes to differently-bodied women and other people’s relationships. Grow up already.

    I didn’t really know how she liked to have sex so… I ASKED. This led to 5 years of really hot sex wherein I discovered (amongst other things) that I’m a top and can come while topping with a strap-on.

    We broke up after moving to a big city and deciding we wanted to try out other things, and people, but we’re still good friends and have been there for each other through thick and thin. I still only date women, and she identifies as bi. Our love did not change the world, and didn’t destroy lesbianism as we know it– but I like to think it did make a small ripple felt throughout the universe. <3

      • this site is owned by lesbians and run by mostly lesbians, it would be very difficult for us to silence lesbians. we would be very short on content.

        this series has involved information on all different types of sex — butt plugs! threesomes! shower sex! eating ass! — all of which is available to people who are interested in it, none of which requires the reader to partake in said activities if they don’t want to.

        you’re not attracted to women who have penises, okay. nobody is going to make you, or anybody who has a specific desire for specific genitalia, have sex with anybody you don’t want to have sex with. some lesbians, bisexual and queer women are attracted to women who have penises. some lesbians, bisexual and queer women have penises! this post is for them.

        there is nothing coercive in this post. it’s just information for people who want it. but it is mean that trans women can’t just talk about having sex without hundreds of people showing up to announce I’M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU OR PEOPLE LIKE YOU! i don’t feel like that would happen on a post about fat women or masculine women or femme women or whatever type of woman if that happens to not be your thing, you know?

        • Riese you’re awesome and I’m so glad you exist! Thank you for being such a light in the darkness. <3

  25. Seconding the huge wave of transphobia on the Facebook page. Also ignorance of biology.. And so much more. I’m snarling as fast as I can.

    • And that was supposed to be snarking, and I’m unfollowing the Facebook page because I’m too sick for this shit and I was supposed to go to A Camp and now can’t. And after seeing how much moderation there is on just this post, I’m finding my desire to go fading. I don’t know how many of these transphobes are going too.

      • I doubt if any of these people are A-Camp attendees. Most of these comments come from one-off troll accounts created for the express purpose of trying to alienate us from our own community. If you notice, they never comment on any other topics; they crawl out of the woodwork to attack us and then disappear right after.

        I’ve been to several A-Camps and always felt welcome. Mey is a camp staffer and you definitely wouldn’t be the only trans woman camper! There might be a few occasional ignorant comments, but generally people that are gonna plunk down money to go to A-Camp are more concerned about having a good time than making other people’s lives miserable.

        I hope you do get the chance to go sometime; it really is an incredible space that doesn’t exist anywhere else.

      • Hi Tanaria,

        I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry that people have been saying ridiculous things and that you feel like you don’t want to go to camp anymore. I think that camp is usually a different space to the website and attracts a different group of people. There’s a contact person for trans issues at camp that you could email with your concerns, if you wanted to: abeni@autostraddle.com

      • Thank you both. Im just in a low mood from being sick for so long. I’ll make it next year. And my birthday is Trans Pride up here in Seattle, so I’ve got something to make up for missing A Camp.

        • *hugs* I’ve been too broke to go for several years, but hopefully I’ll have money to go next year also; I’d love to meet you if I do! Hopefully you’ll feel better soon!

      • The post got shared on a TERF Reddit page so it looks like at least some of the commenters are coming from there. It’s really demoralizing though, I’m really sorry. :(

        • Yeah, I think this post got brigaded and is not at all representative of the A Camp crew.

  28. Also I wanted to say that it was pieces like this (this whole sex series, really), as well as stuff like the Bi open threads, that really let me know as soon as I got here that this was an inclusive community that could really help me grow as a person AND HEY ALSO HAVE GREAT SEX. I’m so glad this community exists <3

  29. This is awesome. Thank you so much Mey. This is a super valuable resource.

    I had my first sexual experiences with trans femme partners around 2009/10 and I remember scouring the internet for information like this. At the time there was very little, the main resources that existed were Mira Bellweather’s Fucking Trans Women zine (which is a great resource that I’m pretty sure you can still get online) and Tobi Hill-Meyer’s trans sex porn that she was making with her friends and lovers.

    I went to a meetup at the Trans Health Conference around that time that was for people who had sexual relationships that included cis and trans women. The facilitators were from Canada and they had organized a conference there called No More Apologies: Queer Trans and Cis Women, Coming/Cumming Together. I’m sharing this to give some herstorical context for people younger than me – just 8 years ago it felt so rare/taboo for cis and trans queer women to talk about having sex together that we were having conferences and meet-ups to discuss it and we had few resources to share. I feel like we’re in a new era seeing this information made available so freely. Thanks again Mey <3

  30. thank you so much for this, mey <3 this is a super valuable resource that needs to exist!

  31. Thank you, Mey, for this article, and all your other contributions to Autostraddle. I hope you keep contributing, and that the TERFs don’t silence your beautiful voice.

  32. I love that this is here for people that need it.

    If you don’t need it then feel free to not read it.

  33. Thanks so much for writing this, Mey. I tried to find this kind of information once and there was zilch. Wish this article had existed back then, but glad it’s out there for the future. :)

  34. thank you for posting this!! very useful and it’s important to me that autostraddle produce this kind of content. also, as a nonbinary person i’m always happy to see articles that talk about dysphoria during sex and the need to talk to your partners about how they want to be touched and how they want their bodies to be talked about. all queer people (including cis lesbians!) pls take note because this could apply to your partners too even if you don’t realize it

    on a side note, if you’re coming here to comment hateful things, you suck. as queer people we know what it’s like to have our pleasure stigmatized; why do that to each other?

  35. Hey Mey. You are one brave awesome lady. To write something to help educate the queer community about how to best take care of their partner during sex is always well needed and appreciated; especially in a world where there is so little access. I thank you for going against such vitriol and hate to provide education and light to this community. Keep on shinning your light. Also I give thanks to this website for always standing up for what is right. Keep on fighting the good fight.

  36. Saw this on Twitter, and wanted to pop in to comment. I don’t normally read Autostaddle, and I’m not its normal demographic (I’m a bi trans man), but I really loved this article. The advice is applicable to all combinations of genders and bodies, and I definitely took some great stuff away from it!

  37. Thank you very much for this brilliant piece of art! I shared this article with my best friend right immediately I read! This article reminded me of her and her partner. I bet they totally love this article. My best friend is genderqueer pansexual and her partner is non-binary heteroflexible. Her partner is AMAB and usually identifies as man, but only on Mondays identifies as woman and loves to wear lace thongs and be penetrated. I sometimes join them and together with their other friends for sex and I and my best friend call her/him Monwhore (Monday + whore), but (s)he loves to called as Sissy on Mondays. Sometimes we have difficulties to figure out what her partner loves during sex, but thanks to this post, now we know how to have wonderful queer sex! Y’all should try!

  39. This is a great article, Mey! Thanks so much for the detail. Communication is obviously so important, but it can be really helpful to know what some alternate options are.
    You’re the best!

  40. Also, Mey, I sent in another $10 to Autostraddle, and I hope maybe they can pass it on to you to get yourself a treat or buy some nail polish or whatever makes you feel cared for. You have done the community of lesbians, bi, and queer women a huge service in writing this, and I hate that you’re getting horrible comments in response.

  41. Okay so, I read that article and most of the comments as well as other tweets regarding this issue. There are a lot of comments where people get the impression that lesbians are being pressured into having sex involving penises. On the other hand, I see comments by trans women saying they wouldn’t want to have sex with anyone who wouldn’t want to have sex with them, because who needs to have sex with transphobic bigots anyway.

    The big question that’s bothering me is: Is it okay to (I’m speaking from my personal lesbian perspective) include trans women as potential partners but still have limits regarding the person’s body? I wouldn’t care if a women is cis or trans but if they were trans they’d had to have had surgery. Penises just don’t work for me. Would that be considered transphobic? I know attraction is not exclusively about genitals, but for me genitals matter when it comes to having sex.

    And I know this article is about women who want to have sex with women who have a penis, but I’d be grateful if someone could comment on my question. Thanks a lot!

    • Are you TERF? Some women have penises. If they love women, they are lesbians. Get over it. If you think penises don’t work for you, you need to find the right penis. Don’t be a transphobe.

      • “If you think penises don’t work for you, you need to find the right penis. Don’t be a transphobe” Where is the consistency with regards to comments policy violation rules? I have seen nothing but positive comments on this post (rightly so, as lesbian trans women should be a welcome addition to this gentle maelstrom of a dysfunctional family club just as any cis woman should), but this comment remains up and is breathtakingly crass and decidedly whelming. And dichotomous face melting is fun for no one. Ever.

    • it’s totally fine if you don’t want to interact w a penis. that’s not transphobic. you’re in charge of who you have sex with

  44. I haven’t had a chance to read this until now, but I’m so glad I did! Thank you Mey for writing such a detailed and thoughtful guide. I love how inclusive the lesbian sex 101 series has been, and this entry has just made it even better.

  47. Thank you Mey and mods! I’m so sorry for all the awful comments. If you’re reading this, this article and the mod work it unfortunately requires is a great example of why to consider joining A+ if you haven’t. Cobalt A+ is $4 bucks a month.

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