How To Have Lesbian Sex 102: Cunnilingus Edition

In How to Have Lesbian Sex for the First Time and How to Have Lesbian Sex with a Trans Woman, we took you through the foundations of how to have lesbian sex, which is what we have to call it for search engine optimization purposes. Today, we’re talking about lesbian oral sex that involves a vulva, though a lot of the advice is applicable to lots of types of oral sex. For trans lesbian-specific oral sex tips, check out How to Have Lesbian Sex with a Trans Woman. For lesbian strap-on blow job advice, check out How To Give (or Get) A Strap-on Blow Job. For how to eat ass, check out How To Eat Ass. Let’s (muff) dive in!

Remember That All Bodies Are Different

All bodies are different, and different bodies like different sensations, which is why across-the-board sex advice on lesbian oral sex is impossible. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve gone down on zero people or one hundred — when you’re going down on someone for the first time, it’s as if you’ve never gone down on anyone before. Everyone likes totally different sensations in bed, so everyone starts from the beginning with every new sex partner. All you need are enthusiasm, curiosity and communication (and maybe a dental dam or two). You need to be up for getting into it, trying new things, paying attention to your partner’s feedback and trying some more. (The only rule you need to know ahead of time is to be careful about where your teeth end up!) Sure, people take some tips and tricks with them from partner to partner, but in the end communication wins.

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

close-up of lips

Mouths aren’t just for oral sex! They’re for talking, too. If you’re giving oral sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying something like:

  • “Just FYI, I’ve never gone down on a vulva before.”
  • “I’m nervous because the only thing I’ve ever licked consistently is a tootsie pop. But I’m really into doing this with you.”
  • “I feel scared that you’re not gonna like what I do going down on you, so just grab my hair and put me in the right spot if I’m not there already!”

Be clear with your partner that you’re totally into feedback in the moment: “a little to the left,” “harder,” “gentler,” “keep doing that” or “holy fuck definitely keep doing that.” Remember: harder is not always better. It depends entirely on the person, so don’t assume that hard and fast wins the race unless you hear it from your partner.

If you’re receiving oral sex — I hear a lot of people feel weird about giving feedback because they think they’re being selfish or making sex too much about them. First, your body is involved, so this sex is partially about you. Second, feedback is about your partner, not just about you. Feedback makes people feel comfortable while they’ve got their mouth on your genitals. Tell them if they’re being too soft or too hard, if they need to move a little to the left, if you need them to go faster or slower. Definitely tell them when they’ve hit the spot. It’s not just about you getting what you want — it’s about your partner getting what they want, too.

Use Your Whole Mouth…

If your sex partner has a vulva, it’s fun to tease them by lightly flicking the tip of your tongue over the whole area, just barely tickling their clit and tracing both sides of their vulva, to get warmed up or to take an intensity break. But there’s a lot more to mouths than the tip of the tongue! Your tongue is three dimensional and has many different surfaces. You can lightly suck on things. You’ve got lips, too! Why should you use your whole mouth, you ask?

via The Wikimedia Commons

many vulvas look like this (via The Wikimedia Commons)

The clitoris is more than just the visible part we think of as “the button.” The darker pink bits in the above picture are the internal parts of the clitoris, and they also respond to sensation. Using just the tip of your tongue isn’t going to reach all that wonderful goodness — show the rest of that structure some love! Keep in mind that even things that aren’t part of the clitoris can be pleasurable for your sex partner.

Try a bunch of different tactics: flatten your tongue and lick the whole area (like an ice cream cone), give hard pressure with your tongue, suck on the clitoris (or suck on the clitoral hood while flicking your tongue against the clit), press against different parts of the vulva with your lips or go in circles around the clit with your tongue. You can also tease the vaginal opening with your tongue, or dip your tongue all the way in.

Sometimes there’s a knee-jerk tendency to respond to omg-I’m-about-to-come noises by starting to do what you were doing harder and faster. She’s excited and gripping your hand, you’re excited and gripping their thigh, and naturally you keep upping the ante as excitement builds. Every person is different, of course, but in general the best thing to do is exactly what you were doing to get your partner “almost there” in the first place, instead of switching or going faster and harder — which actually requires a lot of concentration and focus. Like pretty much all of your concentration and focus.

…Unless Your Sex Partner Wants Something Specific

woman hitting target

Experimentation is super fun, and experimenting with different sensations and different parts of your mouth is part of the awesome. But, as you’ve already told your sex partner that you want feedback in the moment, be sure to listen to that feedback. It can sometimes be hard to pull away from something you’re trying, but unless teasing is part of the game, remember to focus on the bits that feel good to the person in front of you.

What About Making Noises?

There is no “supposed to” in sex, and this is no different. Allegedly, making noises like you’re eating a delicious ice cream sundae (i.e., humming) can feel sensational for the vulva that you’re sexing up. Like anything else, it works for some people and not for others. Unless your sex partner asks for something different, if you’re going to make noises, they should be your truth noises — the ones you really really want to make in the moment, or the ones you can’t keep in. Making a noise like you’re eating the best damn sandwich in the world just because you want them to know you’re having fun might ring false to your sex partner, whether you’re giving or receiving.

Pillows: They Help

pillows stacked on chair

I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden I got old enough that my neck hurts when I put it in strange positions. Such as those my neck winds up in during oral sex. I resisted the aid of pillows for a while, thinking it would be unsexy to ask people to lift their butts up so I could put a pillow underneath them before going to town. It turns out that what’s really unsexy is suddenly ceasing mouth-to-vulva contact because of a knot in your neck. If you’re doing things traditionally, more or less on a steady surface with the receiver on their back, sliding a pillow under the receiver’s butt is a great way to raise their hips so that you don’t have to gumby into bizarre positions. (The Liberator wedge, a firm foam wedge with a velvety cover that’s  washable and waterproof, can really help here.) If you’re doing things less traditionally, use pillows or furniture to get the perfect position. You can also always have them sit on your face if your neck gets tired.

If you or your sex partner are disabled, Autostraddle‘s guide to having super hot sex with or as a disabled person has further notes on positioning in all types of sex.

Make Your Oral Presentation a Multimedia One

light from a projector that doubles as a visual pun for a vulva

Putting your mouth on someone else’s vulva doesn’t make the rest of your bodies disappear. With your sex partner’s permission and enthusiasm, you don’t have to do ONLY ORAL SEX. Drag your nails up their inner thighs. Slap their other thighs. Reach up and pinch their nipples, massage their chest, or gently tug on their nipple clamps. Put your fingers or fists inside your partner’s vagina or anus. Incorporate a vibrator or two — you can switch between your mouth and a vibrator if you need a breather, or grind against one yourself if you’re laying on your stomach. Your sex partner can wear a butt plug while you go down on them. You can wear a butt plug while you go down on them.

I bet if I challenge you to think of stuff that pairs with oral sex like wine pairs with a good meal, y’all can come up with at least 50 things to do while your tongue/mouth is doing its thang. In fact yes, I do challenge you to do that. Go.

What About Safer Sex?

Most conversations about safer sex don’t prioritize queer women or people or bodies, which is why safer sex practices are part of being a good member of the queer community. Getting STI tested regularly, using nitrile gloves for hand sex and when switching between holes or partners, and using dental dams for oral sex are all part of it. If you are not fluid bonded and STI tested, make your sex safer by using dental dams and gloves regardless of the time of the month. If you are STI tested, so is your sex partner, and you’ve had a conversation about what safer sex methods you use with other people, then fluids from oral sex, including oral sex if someone has their period, are fine and fun to get all over your mouth and face (and fingers and hands and bed).

Remember: The Person Giving Oral Sex Should Have Fun, Too

Your mouth is part of the oral sex experience — for the person receiving oral, sure, but also for you if you’re giving it. If your sex partner is unsure of what they want or down for exploring or says something to the effect of  “if your mouth is on me, I’m having a good time,” then figure out what sensations feel good to your mouth. That’s as good a way as any way to figure out new ways to interact with a vulva — perhaps you really like the way lightly sucking the clit feels? Cool, do that! If your partner says that’s not their thing, try another thing that feels good to your mouth.

Don’t Overthink It

woman (over)thinking at a desk

Don’t overthink it. As we wrote in the Autostraddle guide to Having Lesbian Sex for the First Time, “your body was born knowing how to have sex like it knows how to eat.” You might find if you stop overthinking a lot of this could come naturally!

So go forth, and put your mouth on a vulva. Don’t let anxiety hold you back — you’re gonna do just fine.

Editor’s note: This post was updated in January 2020 with current affiliate links, internal links, and images, as well as some textual edits.

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A.E. Osworth

A.E. Osworth is part-time Faculty at The New School, where they teach undergraduates the art of digital storytelling. Their novel, We Are Watching Eliza Bright, about a game developer dealing with harassment (and narrated collectively by a fictional subreddit), is forthcoming from Grand Central Publishing (April 2021) and is available for pre-order now. They have an eight-year freelancing career and you can find their work on Autostraddle (where they used to be the Geekery Editor), Guernica, Quartz, Electric Lit, Paper Darts, Mashable, and drDoctor, among others.

A.E. has written 542 articles for us.

109 Comments

  3. Yay! I love articles like this, even though I am emphatically *not* a beginner, because it makes me think of new fun stuff to do :) A mouth-thing I have found useful when going down on people with sensitive clits is this- make your tongue all pointy and then stick the tip of your tongue behind your teeth and underneath the front of your jaw, so that the middle of your tongue is pushed past your teeth. Then suck and use your lips gently on the area around the hood while kind of massaging the clit with the middle bit of your tongue. It sounds super awkward when I describe it in words but it’s pretty easy to do and it feels soooo good. If your partner is less sensitive/has a longer clitoral hood, then do the same kind of thing but stick your tongue out of your mouth and then down, like you’re trying to lick your chin.

  4. It stinks that this article genders vaginas/vulvas/clitorises with phrases like “her vagina” and “she’s excited” etc etc. This is likely not the truth for many folks who read Autostraddle, be them someone who has a vagina and does use “she/her/hers” or someone who has a partner with a vagina who does not use “she/her/hers.”

    • I don’t know if it was intentional, but personally, the fact that there was an alternation between types of gendered pronouns made me comfortable.
      (I totally get why that kind of thing could still stink though, not trying to diminish your comment.)

    • really? I feel like it’s pretty full of “your partner” and “person” and “their” tbh. There are a couple “she”/”her” specific moments but the vast majority of what could be gender-specific pronouns/possessives have been substituted with a neutral.

    • yeah, I feel for trans* readers that may have felt excluded, but I thought the article was fine and I’m ftm transgender.

      • I’m a post-op transwoman and I love giving and receiving oral sex. Thankfully we live in a time when medically corrected, for those of who choose to have surgery, everything looks natural and more importantly works right. I think the key is communication with your partner and asking and telling what feels right which then = heavenly time together and a closer bond between you both. Great topic thanx

    • Well AFAIK Ali is a cis woman, so to me the article felt like she was trying really hard to be inclusive and avoid to make the kind of assumptions we’ve all been taught since birth and that she may not have to deal with first-hand in her life, but slipped up a few times. Yeah it’s not perfect and there’s a few unwarranted “she”s here and there, but I’m not mad at it, A for effort.

      TBH I was much more bothered by the “hey we’re fully aware that the headline is cissexist and potentially biphobic and dismisses the experiences of many our readers, but no worries we’re only writing alienating titles for pageviews!” bit. I know AS needs money and pageviews to keep existing and dammit I really want it to keep existing, but still, it stings.

      (Off-topic : I’d love to see a companion piece addressing oral sex 101 with non-op/pre-op trans women! Pretty please?)

      • Hey GV! (and anyone else interested in something addressing oral sex with non-op/pre-op trans* women!)

        We published a great interview with Mira Bellwether in August, which you can read here. Her groundbreaking zine, Fucking Trans Women, is an incredible resource for learning more about, well, fucking trans women! You can even download it for free.

        Thanks for reading!

        • Yeah I remember reading that interview and thinking I’d download the zine when I’ll have 5 euros to spare, but I still can barely afford to eat well and the zine is still buy-only. Maybe it shows up as free for American IPs only?

          Also, not trying to to be a dick (hah) but my point was there’s plenty of free resources online on how to fuck cis women already, and it didn’t stop AS from running several articles on that. If your goal is to be inclusive, why not also include resources on trans women instead of linking people to outside paying sources? There’s so few of them out there it’s bound to become a popular piece, if not in the comments section at least peageviews-wise I guess.
          I fully understand it’s gotta be hard finding a writer for such a piece in the first place though, so I’m not saying you’re just not trying enough!

          (Where’d the other two replies from yesterday to my comment went?)

        • I agree that an Autostraddle article about sex with non-op or pre-op trans women would be awesome. I think Fucking Trans Women is a great resource but more free information should be available. (I’m not sure where you can get it for free, I’ve only ever seen it costing $5)

          Another reason why I think it would be good to have an Autostraddle article about it is because I’m much better at retaining information from articles than I am from zines. I’m not sure why that’s the case but it is.

  5. One of the best things my ex ever did was introduce me Andrea Gibson poetry. She may not have written the poem in the video but she and the other woman in the video totally owned it!

  6. Excellent post. I especially love the Andrea reference: one of my ex partners showed me that video and I’ve never looked back.

  7. This was well done, thanks! The reason I’m commenting is that it reminded me a lot of this episode of Sex Nerd Sandra: http://www.nerdist.com/2012/03/sex-nerd-sandra-33-oral-sex-snatch-attack/ (oh, if I put a link here will it work? about to find out.)

    I learned soooo much from this episode of her podcast – which features Allison Moon. And I listened to it numerous times before I ever went down on someone with a vulva. (What? I was nervous. I wanted to do a good job.)

    And I shall now submit my first post ever on Autostraddle. Hi.

    • Hi Jen! Welcome welcome welcome! And thanks for sharing this link — I’ve never even heard of Sex Nerd Sandra. Wheee!

    • Your a guy really I’m glad you know about this topic. How old are you we could have sex some time

  10. Just happened to read this article while eating a tropical fruit popsicle. Great way to practice technique?

  11. Ughhh but how does one admit to a partner that they are terrified of performing oral, even though they frequently present as Confident And Well Versed in All Things Pertaining To The Vagina?

    …I’m asking for a friend…

    • While confidence is sexy, honesty is sexier by far. Such an admission would tell me that you’re thinking about my needs and not just your own. It would open the lines of communication necessary for both parties to enjoy the experience. And if you’re ever met with any negativity from your honesty, that is a huge blinking neon sign that this is someone you don’t want to be getting close to anyway!

  12. For those first traveling down this unfamiliar road, keep in mind that not everyone can or will orgasm from oral. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T ENJOY IT! This was a hard lesson learned in my early years. That’s where communication comes in. The goal should be for you both to enjoy the experience without a specific “end game” or “destination”. It’s the journey folks. The journey. And the views are quite lovely.

  13. Thanks for the article! Even after 15 years of getting down with vagina, it is still a good reminder for me to communicate and ask for what I want. The fear of being a bossy bottom or spoiling the mood can sometimes get in the way of that, so thank you for the negotiation tips!

    I remember my first few times, I had an issue with coming up with a mouthful of hair. Pro-tip on that: If you gently press on their mons, up and away from the clit, with a free hand, you can both keep any hair that might be there out of the way, and also “un-hood” the clit, thereby exposing it to more of whatever sensation you are administering with your tongue. Then, with your other hand you can reach up and play with their nipples, rub their body/belly/thighs, insert fingers in front or back hole, etc…

    p.s. on the topic of period sex: ’tis a cowardly pirate who refuses to fight on a bloody deck!

    • That last sentence of your comment is probably one of my favorite things I’ve read all day. I am still laughing.

  15. Hi there. I’m very new to this and really appreciate your advice! Even though the first time I went down on a girl was maybe 2 months ago, I really really really love going down on my girlfriend. If I could do it 10 times a day I would. The only thing keeping me from my aspirations is how much my skin on my lips and chin hurt after going down on her. I’m being rubbed raw. My skin is red and very painful. I always wash my face immediately after with lots of soap and water. I use witch hazel and then moisturizer. The redness takes about 5 days to go away. So by the time I’ve healed from one weekend, I’m at it again.

    I google searched, but all I got was women complaining about their boyfriend’s stubble. I need advice from people who know what I’m talking about.

    What am I doing wrong?

    • If your skin is getting irritated I’m guessing it’s due to two possible reasons :

      1 – your girlfriend doesn’t shave/wax everything down there and it’s the rubbing of your skin on the hair that is causing the rashes. Now ofc everyone is entitled to do whatever they want with their body hair, but if it’s making things painful for you you may talk to her about it and ask her if she would be okay with doing away with it.

      2 – Not enough wetness around and it’s a case of dry skin rubbing on dry skin. So, edible lube maybe? Otherwise, personally when I first got into giving oral I used to instinctually swallow the build-up of saliva all the time, but then I realized that letting it run everywhere made things much more enjoyable (and sexy) for everyone involved. So you could try that? Just pop a towel underneath if needed.

      • a partner asked me to do away with my pubic hair once. i did and hated it so much (one of the worst feelings in the whole world) that i ended up breaking up with said partner eventually. i felt gross and ashamed and manipulated. i would rather have no oral sex than no pubic hair. just keep that in mind if you are going to ask her to remove a part of her body. i’m not saying don’t do it, i’m just saying be gentle and be prepared for her to hate the idea.

        • I should have clarified in my original question. She shaves daily. But even immediately after shaving there is a millimeter or so of stubble. She thinks hair is unappealing and I totally respect her point of view. And of course I don’t want her to change her regimen. I just want to be able to pleasure her as much as I want.

          Thank you so much for your advice on talking with her and especially your point about wetness. I’m definitely going to try that tonight. I think I’ve been trying to keep sex too clean and neat, but I’ll try letting it get a little messier.

    • Hey Mie – In response to your comment that your girlfriend shaves daily – this was my thought regarding red/raw/uncomfortable face. Though you mentioned her not enjoying body hair on her body… Perhaps you could discuss options regarding length of hair? Just past the stubble phase is so so so much more comfortable against the face/skin – so perhaps she could trim and keep it to a certain length… that is if she digs you going down on her as much as you do… and wants you to keep your face safe. Both of your comfort levels with your bodies are very important and should be taken into consideration. Keep up the good work ;)
      ps – she may have MANY reasons that she does not like body hair, but perhaps you could talk about it. There are lots of societal reasons why folks are told body hair is “wrong/gross/dirty/ugly” and perhaps this is having an influence. You can discuss how you feel about it too (it may not be about how she thinks you feel about it, but it may be as well. Lotsa people are worried their lover won’t find them sexy with body hair…). Or she might just not like it, which is cool too. But your pain and discomfort matters.

    • Hi Mie –

      I would go with giving lube a try first. Make sure to get one that’s free of parabens and glycerin, as those do cause irritation (so steer clear of most flavored ones, as they often have glycerin). I’m a big fan of Babelube and Maximus, which both taste like nothing. You can order both of those from Babeland’s website.

    • I had this issue with someone for awhile. They felt awful that I was sporting a rug burn like rash on my chin that we aptly named, “pussy burn.” Although it hurt, I just wore it like a badge of pussy-licking honor.

      I had wondered for the longest time if this shit happened to anyone else. Glad to know I’m not alone!

      Hair length didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Lubrication helped to a certain extent, but doesn’t eliminate the issue. Lemme know if you figure out the magic trick!

      • I was really nervous putting this question on here, partly because I was SURE that it had been answered before, but I just couldn’t find it, and partly because I worried that everyone would be like, “Sigh, newbie, duh you do blah blah blah!” Or even worse everyone would be like, “What the hell? No one’s ever had that problem before!”

        So I can’t tell you how nice it is to hear that you experienced it too and wondered. It makes me glad that I had the guts to write the question. And thank you so much for responding!

    • Another suggestion – use a hand (or her hand) to hold her open so you you’ve got a clear path to the clit – that way you should be more so where the hair doesn’t grow and it won’t scratch so much. Although, it might depend on her own vulva.

      • Thank you all for your comments and advice!!

        Re: Megan.
        I heard about that technique from a guy friend of mine. Basically make like Spock and use fingers to keep her open? Is that right?

        I tried this once last week, my wrist was down and my fingers pointing upwards, but my fingers kept slipping in, and she does not like penetration and I was terrified she’d think I was sneakily trying something she has told me she doesn’t enjoy, and then my fingers would slip away, and my wrist was in an uncomfortable position, and I felt really awkward the whole time.

        So should I put a pillow under her to do the hand thing? Should my wrist be above her and my fingers pointed downwards or was upwards the right way?

  16. This article is *incredibly* timely, so kudos for that!

    Question, though: would all of the above tips work with a dental dam? Does anyone have any dental dam-specific tips? (I mean, aside from how to make them, which I do know.) I have very little experience going down on a partner with a vulva and even less experience using any sort of barrier method!

  18. Going down on someone when they’re in their period without using protection is the equivalent of ingesting menstrual blood. Let’s be clear and honest here, that should come with a medical warning!

    • Hi Sheah! Actually, as weird as it seems, we consulted a couple of different medical specialists and everyone seems to agree that ingesting menstrual blood is just as safe as ingesting any other bodily fluid. So like Ali said, if you’re tested and fluid bonded, it’s just as safe as the rest of the mouthy sex you’re having!

      • It might disqualify you from giving blood, though, if you like being able to donate – I’m pretty sure they ask you if you’ve had contact with another person’s blood, at least on the donor question list in the U.S.

      • Hi. I guess it all depends on how well a person can trust their partner. If they say they’re only with you can you take their word for it? I personally wouldn’t want someone to go down on me during that time of the month,nor would I expect them to want that from me.Like the article says, communicating is crucial.It’s important to make sure you’re on the same page.

  19. “Making a noise like you’re eating the best damn sandwich in the world just because you want them to know you’re having fun, though, might ring false to your hookup/partner/person.”

    I like to make Cookie Monster sounds. I am pretty sure this has ensured my reputation as an insatiable lothario.

  21. Recently figured out I’m probably bi. Little experience with women.

    So based on this and the other article, there were a few things that stood out/surprised me:

    -sex on your period is common? I would want someone to go down on me or would want to go down on someone on their period
    -don’t clean the vag? 0_0

    • – By ‘clean the vag’, I’m guessing you mean douching? If that’s what you’re talking about, you heard right, it really is a bad idea.

      Vaginas have a balance of acid fluids that maintain ‘good bacteria’ that keep the ‘bad ones’ out and keep it healthy (a bit like how your intestine works, except nicer-looking), and whitish discharge is basically the vagina’s washing liquid, keeping everything inside clean.

      (Fun fact: actually, a vagina (and its vulva) are far, far cleaner than the mouth! When people are concerned about the cleanliness of their vulva/vagina versus their partner’s mouth, it should be the other way around!)

      Douching is basically throwing antiseptic into your vaginal walls, killing the good bacteria and potentially damaging the vaginal tissue, both of which are pretty much invitations for infection (whose symptoms can lead to more douching, then more vulnerability to infection, etc.)

      (Ref: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2567125/)

      Long story short, douching is pretty much the equivalent to pouring a bottle of Lysol in your potted plant.

      – Yes, it is! Just lay a dark towel underneath the receiver of the act so you don’t stain the sheets, and you’re good to go!

      • “douching is pretty much the equivalent to pouring a bottle of Lysol in your potted plant.”

        Excellent comparison, I’m going to remember this the next time advocates douching!

  22. This could not have been more well timed. I didn’t start dating ladies until super recently and not knowing what to do in downtown lady town has been so nerve racking. No one wants to feel like a newb, even if you are definitely a newb. Thanks guys!

  23. This is kind of ‘too late’, and maybe it’s just me, but I got (and generally get) really annoyed when there’s talk of ‘licking a vagina’ (like, please explain how you get your tongue that far down) instead of what the name of that body part is… a vulva.

    I know it’s in the vernacular and ‘people get what we’re talking about’, but it does seem like an important distinction to make if we want to avoid the phallocratic ”female’ genitals = pretty much just a hole’ thing (which I know Autostraddle obviously wants to).

    Basically, I just think terminology is important if we want to drive home the idea that there’s (thankfully!) more to that sweet set of genitals than a canal.

    • Yeah pretty much every day I want to start shouting “VULVA! VULVA! VULVA!” at *something* or other on the Internet. (Plus I think besides being anatomically accurate, “vulva” is just a much, uh, sexier word? There’s something so clinical and grating-sounding about “vagina,” to my ear.)

  24. This article was fantastic! For me, the part that really rang true was communicating your wants and needs in the bedroom. I’m very lucky because my girlfriend and I traveled in the same circle for many years prior to hooking up. She knew before hand that I have a tendency to psych myself out in new situations. So the first time we went down on one another she was extremely talkative, patient, and basically saved me from having the would have felt like the worlds largest panic attack at the time.

    Now onto my question.(Warning: I am fairly new to Autostraddle so if an article like this exists please point me in the right direction!)

    As previously stated above, I’ve only ever been with one gal, so I’m probably the last person on this planet that should be giving sex advice. Nevertheless, I have a friend who was rude enough to put me in said position and I need help! She recently came out as a bisexual and all of the sudden our friendship has turned into one big lady-loving interrogation. My biggest hurdle with her is, she’s a gal that isn’t into oral, period! She doesn’t like giving it, she’s not into receiving it, it turns her off rather than on, yada yada yada. The challenge I’m facing here is I simply cannot relate to what she is saying. I realize there is no right or wrong way to have sex. Goodness knows there are plenty of straight people who can take or leave oral. The difference is, that is a big part of how we do things. When she’s with a guy, she can just tell him no thank you and then automatically move onto the most obvious of options. But with another woman, it’s a bit more complicated. It’s very important that I do not make her feel judged nor do I make her feel like she’s a lost cause. She’s finally embracing a part of herself that she’s been denying for many years, the last thing I want to do is scare her away. We haven’t actually broached the topic of sex yet but the volume and frequency of her questions has really picked up here in the last two weeks so you know it’s coming down the pipe. Plus she’s started mingling with the ladies in hopes of finding her first girlfriend. *Wipes away tear* Baby gays, it’s a Kodak moment! So yeah, any articles, books, pamphlets, encyclopedias, porn magazines (I might as well get something out of this too), etc would be greatly appreciated!

    • I feel like there’s a *bunch* of other stuff to do besides oral, though (and I should think it’d be fairly obviously what those things could be)? Some perfectly bona fide lesbians just don’t enjoy the sensation; for many others it’s an option but not the be-all-end-all of sex.

      One thing is, though, am I understanding this right? that she’s never had girl sex but is already saying she doesn’t like *giving* oral sex to girls? That seems unnecessarily limiting, maybe. Still, once a specific gal is involved the idea may seem more appealing — personally, I don’t think genitals of any variety are particularly beautiful or enticing on their own, and I certainly don’t fantasize about, like, going down on disembodied vulvas. But if they’re attached to someone I’m into it’s a different story.

    • i’m the same way as your bi friend, as in preference for anything that’s not oral sex, giving or receiving. i’m all about using hands for genital area, mouth for everything else.

  25. I haven’t quite braves period oral sex without either it being the very end (little blood) or a tampon.

    My wife tells me I’m the best she’s had regarding sex and oral and I have tried to experiment around with finding what also works/works better. So I’m fine in that respect.

    The problem I have is that I don’t think I really like receiving oral. There’s a couple of positions I like, one of which is 69 (all sex is better if I get to pleasure her simultaneously (or alone, really), in my opinion) but I get uncomfortable if I’m laying/sitting around doing nothing. And I can only very rarely work out what I’d like her instead, so I usually settle with “that” when she’s doing it right.

    I think in part it might be that she does it lighter than I’d like, but other than some foreplay most of the time I think I want it harder than she could do without it being painful.

    As a result she’s come to the conclusion that she’s terrible at oral (I’ve never asked how she got on with it with other people) and I don’t know how to fix it.

  26. That video is amazing! Thank you for sending me in that direction. I just forwarded it to my two (awesome, feminist) younger brothers, and I’m a bit curious as to see whether they will be grossed out or awkwardly amazed. I’m off to youtube now to watch Andrea Gibson and Sonya Renee all night long.

  27. This is amazing ! Im the type of girl that when is on her period NEVER let a girl to go down on her , mostly becouse i think about it like some kind of quarentine…lol oh well……..
    Thank you so much for this amazing post Ali ! Love the video.

    (sorry if i make some mistake up there , but my first language is german!)

  29. This is amazing! I just recently accepted that I am bi. Going on my first date with a girl so this is pretty helpful! Thanks. :-)

  31. try going through the alphabet with your tongue starting at “A” and going to”Z” my wife usually hits the big O around “M”

  34. I’m currently in a (semi) open-relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating off and on for the last six years (it’s a long story) and we have a son together. A little over a year ago I finally admitted to him (and myself) that I was attracted to females. It was the very first time I ever spoke my feelings out loud. It was terrifying and embarrassing, yet liberating. Luckily, he supported me and really helped me start to accept myself. After lots of discussion we decided to try something out.

    We met and got to know this girl. She was adorable, and her and I really clicked, which is rare for me. She helped me ease into the idea of being physical with a woman. She was my first kiss. She asked my dumb questions. She and I (and my boyfriend) did some things together, which I think really helped solidify to myself that I wasn’t imagining my attraction to women. We didn’t do anything under the belt though due to some medical issues I was having at the time, but other stuff occurred. Not just that, I learned that I liked being romantic with her. We even held hands in public and I didn’t even panic about it. It felt right.

    Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. I found out some stuff she was hiding from me (cheating) and so I was done after that. The entire thing really f*ed me up for a while since she helped me so much and I became very attached to her, physically and emotionally. She was my first. But ultimately, I have to remind myself that I came out of it more confident about myself and my sexuality, and that most people’s first usually ends up hurting them in the end somehow anyways. I will find someone who won’t hurt me.

    After a long time of being reluctant to try again, my boyfriend and I have been talking to another girl who lives out of state. She’s nice and shy and I feel like I can probably trust her. She plans on visiting in about a month, and while I can’t say for sure that anything will happen, I want to be prepared just in case. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m more nervous or more excited.

    I started looking up tips like this article and the 101 article. It’s helping me feeling more confident that I won’t do so bad, and if I do, it’s going to be okay. It means a lot and this was very informative. Most of the articles I’ve come across don’t go into detail about how to do things; it’s pretty vague. “Just go down there and see what happens, you’ll know what to do” was basically all that was said. How disappointing. This article is the opposite and I really appreciate that it’s spelled out for us complete beginners in a way that doesn’t make us feel dumb.

    …

    To prepare, I also confided in my boyfriend, shyly asking him for tips on how to sexually take care of a woman. He just gave this big smile and held me until I was over being embarrassed, and then helped me learn a thing or two by practicing on me and explaining how he was doing it. It was both educational and hot af. Definitely recommend if you’re into that.

    Now that I feel less pressure, I think I will enjoy it a lot more when the times comes. (Hopefully she will too). Thanks so much.

  35. Straight girl , read this out of general interest really insightful article , enjoyed it and spent more than a few minutes thinking about having my face between a girls thighs, eye opening

    • Thought I’d come back two years on and thank you for this article , I turned out much less straight , I’ve taken so much of this on board and it gave me the confidence to start this ,

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