Holigay Gift Guide: I Saw Mommi Kissing Santa Claus

HOLIGAYS 2017 / Autostraddle

Click here for Holigays 2017

2017: the year mommi rose like a phoenix from the ash – literal, actual ash, because everything’s on fire – to relieve daddy of its cultural duties. Born from two admirers of self-assured, self-sufficient, aesthetically and lifestyle driven women, mommi has captured our hearts and changed the way we think about the world around us. Or, it’s just a new word you can apply to almost anything if you try hard enough. Either way, good stuff.

To all of our mommis, mommi fans, confused bystanders watching this all go down, as well as those thinking about dabbling: this one’s for you.

T-Back Bralette ($28)

A salesperson at a boutique would call this a “fun” take on a razorback, in that “for example, here is my spine” kind of way, and the word “fun” being applied to an inanimate object that isn’t a toy is a great indicator that mommi is near. Wear it with a fun shirt, you know? Let it peek through, even; people are already curious about you. Are you married? Do you have children? Are you dating? You’ll never tell.

Contour Key Ring ($16)

Look at these minimal ass key rings and tell us you can’t hear them and the keys they carry hitting a hook on an accent wall.

Customized Jewelry ($30)

Customization is Mommi 101, and this script font is 102.

Wrap Jumpsuit ($67)

If anyone wants to devastate us in a wrap jumpsuit for the holidays LMK.

Half Kitten Metal Sunglasses With Rose Gold Flash Lens ($12)

Sorry but mommis own rose gold.

Empowered Women Empower Women Tote ($25)

Totes get you halfway to casual mommi in the first place, but this message really brings it 100; mommis don’t just like to celebrate themselves, they like celebrating others.

Reverse Shopper Bag ($32)

Still, you’ll need a bag that means business, and that means one that really embodies a staple of mommi culture: taking it from day to night.

Welland Dress ($180)

I’m sorry, peekaboo wrists? What will be left in this dress’s wake is a collective sense of “first of all how dare you,” which is the mommi way.

Almond Toe Velvet Ankle Boots ($30)

We don’t know how to tell you this but: velvet boots in various colors. Women getting out of cars or public transit in velvet ankle boots of various colors. Women getting out of cars or public transit in velvet ankle boots of various colors as they swing a bag into the crook of their elbow.

KitchenAid Power Stand Mixer ($200)

Hail to the chief.

Mommi Tee ($25) 

We’ve deemed these shirts “the essence of mommi” on account of their simple yet alluring nature. Please be aware that these can be worn as a signal to other mommis or to signal for mommis. Thanks.

Leatherette Knot Top ($90)

A three-quarter length, leather, eye-drawing-knotted top. May peace be with you.

Ora 2 (Oral Sex Simulator) ($190)

I hope we’ve established mommi well enough for you at this point for you to know that mommis are sexually empowered and will handle theirs regardless of their dating status. We didn’t think this could get any more mommi than it already is with its gold accenting and its shade of blue that would be described as a “pop” of color by an interior designer trying to sell you on more throw pillows, and then we watched the 10-second demonstration video (not that kind of demonstration video) and the person holding it has a nude gel manicure.

Pattern Cashmere Shawl ($27)

This item is listed as the following on Amazon: “Milumia Women’s Winter Knitted Cashmere Poncho Capes Shawl Cardigans Sweater Coat.” It is all of those things at once, making it Mommi Aggregate. It should be worn overlooking any number of landscapes with a glass of wine in hand.

Thank You Cards

Mommis have their shit together, and this means thanking someone for a gift, a favor, or an experience before someone can even begin to wonder if they remembered. Keep it on theme with a minimalist, stylish design.

Thinking of buying gifts from the Autostraddle Store?

To get your deliveries in time for the holidays make sure to place your order by

Dec 13th—UPS First Class*
Dec 15th—USPS Priority Mail/UPS Ground*

*These dates are for domestic orders–we have no guarantee for international orders, so get ‘em in early heartstrings! ♡

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Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

35 Comments

  1. I had an all black pair of those sunglasses and they are the best. I can’t believe I just (literally 3 hours ago) finished a xmas present asos order before seeing this list because now I am CONSUMED with regret that I didn’t buy them in rose gold as well

    (Especially as I bought myself a pair of rose gold hoops to get that sweet sweet free shipping)

  5. I think this post has made me finally realise that despite owning oversized shades and longing for good-quality kitchen appliances, I will never be mommi. I reckon I could be mommi-for-pay though.

  6. Also, those keyrings have inspired me to create a long-needed replacement for the Kinsey scale to describe female sexuality.

    An amazing and revolutionary sexuality chart

    In honour of Erin, I’m going to call it the Sullivan Minimal Ass to Carabiner Keychain scale (or SMACK for short). Personally, I identify as a 4.

  7. i really need a powerful woman to dote on because i really want my life to be ended by a woman in a soft pink wrap jumpsuit.

    also “to relieve daddy of its cultural duties”
    thank you.

  8. ok but the jumpsuit link goes to the sleeveless version and I can’t find the long sleeve version! Mommi SOS!!

  10. ugh ok but the ora 2 is the perfect gift for the mommi in your life

    AND THAT SHAWL

    i have a new kink, it’s decided.

  11. Thanks, Erin, for made it clear that the AS Mommi shirt can also be worn by those looking to attract mommis. Not convinced I could pull it off, but good to know.

  12. Really like that T-back bra in the Cabernet color. Anyone know how their sizes are? Like do they run a bit larger or smaller than other companies? I worried that I get a L to find out that I’m an XL in size. Like a teen still learning bra sizing. Also, a fan of the pants/skirt thing the model is wearing in the winter moss color.

  13. Y’all I went to a hot yoga class in a swank suburb at noon on a weekday. I️ may not need to say another word re: the mommi saturation in this class but I️ will say that I️ wished so badly to have someone who shared my proclivity for not shaving, wearing reasonably priced workout clothes and also not looking very mommi, besides my presence in the class

    • Please join me in going to swanky gentle yoga in my hand-me-down sports bra, whatever tshirt was on my floor, and gap yoga pants that show off my leg hair.

  14. As a mommi/daddy switch I’m gonna need those rose gold glasses and the Mommi shirt to put under a plaid with boyfriend jeans and some nice brown work boots. It’s gonna be the look of 2018.

  16. um, I own that exact keyring, AND a kitchen aid, AND I am wearing a scarf shawl thingy because it’s freezing — > now having an identity crisis…

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