Faking It Episode 210 Recap: I Was Happy Just To Share A Cardboard Castle With You

Cut to Parking Lot Party Time, where Xander’s breaking the news to Liam that his art sucks but he somehow got the fellowship anyhow.

Be real with me, son. Can you ever see me as anything besides Xander from Buffy? Because apparently Riese can’t.

Xander from Buffy: I see potential in you. You’re angsty and emotional, you can use it in your heart. The fellowship’s yours if you still wanna spend a semester away.

Probably there was a lesbian #KARMY shipper on the fellowship board, let’s be real.

Starsweep to the Inside The School set, where Lauren’s dropping off her student council signatures and has ZERO time for Shane’s snark about who she bribed to get those signatures because she just found out that her boyfriend’s is a narc and probs their WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WAS A LIE!

Lauren: I am humiliated, and confused and not in the mood for your crap.
Shane: Lauren! Wait! Would it make you feel any better to know I’ve been humiliated too?
Lauren: Yes.

Ugh why won’t this gay guy stop asking me to prom HELLO I KNOW YOU’RE GAY YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY

Shane shows her a nice shot of Duke and his new lady-love, a former Biggest Loser contestant, but Lauren doesn’t feel bad for Shane — she feels bad for the girlfriend, who’s got no idea who her boyfriend REALLY IS.

Lauren: Taffy deserves to know the truth! AND SO DO I!

Lauren storms off, leaving Shane alone to ponder how exactly he’ll facilitate the telling of the truth to Taffy. This is clearly all the ammunition he needs to do something unwise!

Surely Edible Arrangements made pineapple flowers that look like nuts and balls on purpose tight

Starsweep to the county jail, which’s much cleaner and more flatteringly lit than any actual county jail, which’s probably because THIS jail cell contains three inmates and one of them is MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN JULIE GOLDMAN!!!

Julie’s been getting so much work this year! People’s Couch, The Mindy Project… hot damn! Butch lezzers are suddenly in high demand, THE REVOLUTION HAS COME. Anyhow, Amy’s gotten herself arrested to hash it out with Karma, but Karma won’t even share a bench with her former bestie.

Julie Goldman: What’d you do to your hand?
Amy: Punched a cop in the face.
Julie Goldman: Atta girl. Let me see it, my cousin’s a doctor.

Honestly sometimes I watch the Black Swan episode of IYBO over and over again when I can’t sleep, I just find it so soothing

Across the room, Molly’s imploring Karma to consider if possibly she’s being a bit harsh, and Amy’s begging for a chance to explain.

Karma: Amy, please explain to me how you could have sex with my boyfriend and then lie to my face about it for weeks!
Molly: Amy, you had sex with a boy?!
Karma: (to her Mom) Focus on the crushing betrayal. (to Amy) You did the one thing you knew I could never forgive. You left me no choice but to hate you, and I hate you for that!

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

Amy’s got 60 seconds to explain to Karma why it’s “not as bad as it sounds” or else Amy’s gonna have to transfer schools ’cause Karma never wants to see her face again! What if the public school system really worked that way? “My lesbian best friend slept with this can of baked beans I had a crush on after I broke her heart, can she switch districts?”

Amy: Just to be clear, I’m not interested in Liam. I only slept with him because I wanted to hurt you in the worst way possible.
Other Inmate: Not a great opening. Hope you’re not representing yourself in court.

What is with this “I wanted to hurt you” thing? Where is this coming from? This started last episode and now they are running with it all the way off a cliff! THAT DOES NOT EVEN MAKE SENSE. In zero worlds does that idea make sense. If you were to ask me “what universe does that make sense in?” I’d go like this:

NO UNIVERSES!!!

Like did she weigh her options? Was she like, “well, I could dunk all of Karma’s thongs in neon green puffy paint, that’d hurt… or I could slash her tires, classic move! OH HEY LOOK IT’S A MAN THIS IS THE BEST WAY!!!” If there weren’t 12 people in my apartment right now I might get deeper into this.

Anyhow, Amy continues:

Amy: Remember when you saved up all that money to buy that Cinderella dress and you kept it in my room so that your Mom wouldn’t see it —
Molly: Karma!
Amy: Wow, I’m really screwing this up. My point is that you were always fantasizing about missing your Prince Charming. I was happy just to share a cardboard castle with you. And it wasn’t until we kissed in the gym that I realized why. I’ve been in love with you since they day we met, and suddenly we were pretending to be a couple and there was hand-holding and kissing and threesomes — I started to have hope. Hope that you were realizing your Prince Charming was Princess Sarcasm. But when that hope died, my heart broke and I was hurt and angry and I just wanted to cause you pain, and then I got drunk and Liam was there like a human sledgehammer and then I sobered up and I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I knew that if you found out this would happen…
Karma: Time’s up.
Amy: Screw the time! You said that we can get through anything. Please just give me a chance to earn your trust back!

Amy’s sad.

I just really, really, really, really want a trans-inclusive ENDA!

…….

Amy holds half her Best Friends Necklace over the toilet, threatening to ditch it if Karma doesn’t decide if she wants Amy in her life anymore. Karma, clearly concerned about how wasteful it is to flush claire’s products down the drain, can’t watch her discard this lovely memento and at the last minute says “Wait.” Well, that was fast! Conflict: resolved.

Cut to Liam’s father’s limousine. It’s like a hangout limousine. You know how it is when you’re really rich and you have a very long car, it’s hard to resist the urge to always hang out in your car, you know? I mean, this car is very long, and there’s a lot of glassware inside.

Whatever you do son, don’t forget this one thing: Never get high on your own supply

Anyhow, JUST AS I PREDICTED, Liam McSkorkle’s gonna get the ladies out of jail, and in exchange he has to give up on art, get an MBA, and get a management position in Skorkle. “If you back out,” Dad warns, “you’re cut off for good.” He’s on a one-way ride to Helena Peabodyville, y’all, shit is gonna be bleak.

Cut to the courthouse, where a gleeful Ashcroft Family are emerging unscathed from their brief experience behind bars, which Molly attributes to the power of positive thinking. You know what else probably helps though is that they’re white.

Lucas: The guards said someone we know called in a favor to the attorney general.
Molly: But he’s a Republican, we don’t know any Republicans!

Ugh I can’t believe Mom and Dad followed me all the way to JAIL, it’s SO uncool

Karma and Amy both totes know Liam sealed the Get Out Of Jail Free Deal. Also, Karma’s not ready to wear her Best Friends necklace again but she’ll totes chill out with it. Amy’s ready to skip the camping trip for Karma, but Karma won’t let her, probs because she wants to go bang Liam anyhow and isn’t up for hate-watching Twilight Total Eclipse of the Heart.

I can’t wait to get home and masturbate to American Horror Story

Back at Hester’s never-ending school day, Theo’s boss is watching him clean out his locker and congratulating him on a job well done when Lauren arrives, MAD AS HELL AND NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Hmmm, maybe next time I’ll have macaroni and cheese with cinnamon apples instead of the creamed spinach. That could be good.

She demands to know Theo’s real name (Anthony), his actual age (20) and whether any of it was “actually real.” It was, obviously, you can see that all over Theo’s face, but he glances at his boss and knows that’s the wrong answer. So he says “no.” Lauren can’t see what’s on his face because her insecurity is blinding.

Lauren: I opened my heart to you, I don’t open my heart to anyone, I trusted you, I told you I was intersex!

I kissed a BOY!!!

Then her hands fly to her mouth — fuck did I say that in front of everybody? — but her heart is raging too hard for it to even matter. Who gives a fuck if I did. Vashti clamors for her to record a comment but all Lauren has to say to Vashti’s iPhone is “fuck off.”

This is gonna look so good in Walden

Before we get back into the story I want to take a time out for the bitch who stole this scene, I love this motherfucker, I want her to give Aghast Facial Expressions in the background of everything I do for the rest of my life.

I wish she’d done tiger claws too though

Snapback to Liam’ Arts and Crafts Hut For Homies. Shane’s got his SkorklePad in his sweaty palms, waiting for the press conference Duke is holding after somebody leaked his Grindr profile to the press. This day is moving very quickly I hope everybody wore sneakers.

Liam: I thought someone was done outing people.
Shane: I was! But hasn’t Theo the narc taught us that you can only hide who you are for so long?

So THAT’S what happened to my Autostraddle boyshorts

…and then Duke uh, comes out! Damn, conflicts are getting resolved lickity split today, eh? Usually mid-season finales leave you with so many cliff-hangers and this one is sort of walking you gently up to the ledge and then making you a picnic.

Duke: They’re true. I’m a proud gay man and I’m in love with Shane Harvey.

I wish everybody announced who they were dating when they came out, that would save so many of us so much time we would’ve otherwise spent googling. I MEAN SKORKLING.

I just wanted to apologize for using ableist language on tumblr last night, and to thank my followers for holding me accountable

Shane, stunned, immediately flees Young Love Artspace probably to go have buttsex with his robust boyfriend and he’s so propelled by this situation that he doesn’t acknowledge Karma, who’s entering the Soulart Sauna as he departs.

Oh HI I was just making a silicone mold of your vagina NBD

Karma wants to know why he got the charges dropped, but Liam insists it wasn’t so she’d get back together with him, ’cause he knows that ship has sailed. SURPRISE IT TOTALLY HASN’T SAILED AT ALL because Karma’s next move is smashing her mouth and tongue and face into Liam’s.

Liam: Does this mean you forgive me?
Karma: No.

But this does mean he can remove some of her clothing and lift her up and carry her over to the couch so they can read each other’s horoscopes.

Seriously I spilled pudding all over the floor, you can’t let your feet touch the ground!

Starsweep to Chez Fawcett, where Lauren’s unimpressed that Lisbeth and Leila are continuing to campaign despite her calling the whole thing off. But, of course, because she attends The Hesterosexual Home For High Freedom and Hippie Love, coming out as intersex, albeit unintentionally, has given her a huge boost in the polls! In fact, Shane’s campaign manager has jumped ship to head up Lauren’s race to the top! THIS IS EXCITING.

It’s true. We started our own Screenprinting factory! Do you like our first design!?!

Wendy: Forget Shane. I got into politics to make history. You’ll be Hester’s first intersex class president!
Vashti: I’m not here as the press. I just want to show my support. You are such an inspiration! Though I would like to do an exclusive.

Lauren’s hesitation quickly fades as her desire to be in power over all things bubbles gently to the surface.

Lauren: Thank you all for your support! I can’t wait to be your president!

The crowd goes wild!

It’s Marc Jacobs.

Starsweep to a tent in the woods, where Reagan’s gone diving on Amy’s clam and unsurprisingly, Amy’s declaring that she loves camping.

Feels so Nikki Stevens right now

“I love camping too,” says Reagan with an intensity so intense that it’s almost funny. They kiss, and part lips, and then Reagan returns to her work down below.

You’re totally right, one of your pupils IS bigger than the other!

Then something funny happens and from here on out we’re not sure what’s going on — if Amy’s hallucinating or fantasizing OR if this is all but a dream. Okay, actually I’m pretty sure that this is all a dream. The confusing part is why any of this is happening at all?

!!

Because when Reagan comes back up for air, she’s not Reagan anymore, she’s Karma. When Amy says “whoa,” it’s Karma who says “I know.”

No way, I think both of your pupils are the same size and just right

They start kissing again, frantic…

?

…but then Amy’s jostled awake lying on her side in the tent. Or is she? Because now, Amy says “I just had the weirdest dream,” and then she rolls over and finds herself face-to-face with Liam Booker. He asks what her dream was about. She asks what he’s doing here.

Hey I think we switched contacts earlier

omg I THOUGHT my pupils felt weird!!!

Liam: We’re celebrating, remember. We duped Karma into letting us off the hook!
Amy: Oh. That’s right. Where were we?

…and then she rolls over and they start making out?

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

…which then immediately cuts to Karma waking up on top of Liam’s bare artsy chest in his Art Man Cave. She looks disturbed… or something. It’s hard to tell.

I feel like my corneas are dripping out of my vagina?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Well, that’s the end of this week’s episode. It’s really a miracle I got this done at all, I want you to know that there are ten queers in my house right now and also drugs and alcohol, yet here I am! I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU WEIRDOS.