Faking It Episode 207 Recap: Lesbians Move Fast

Welcome to the seventh recap of the second season of Faking It, a cartoon about an intrepid girl explorer who always matches her toenail polish to her fingernail polish from the network that brought you Kevin Seal, Sportin’ Fool. 

We open in the hallowed hallways of Blue Oasis Square Dance Superfresh High School, where Karma and Amy are swapping spit about their current life situations. Karma’s craving a Girl’s Night but Amy can’t do it because she’s going on a date with Reagan to “Communal,” that Hot New Restaurant where you share everything.

Karma: But you hate sharing!
Amy: I know! And yet I’m weirdly looking forward to it.
Karma: ‘Cause you’re going with Reagan your new girlfriend!

We just fingerfucked in the locker room and it was AWESOME!

Amy says Reagan’s not her girlfriend yet JEEZ MOM!!! Karma suggests they make their twosome into a double date, but Amy declines, saying two weeks is too early for a Meet the Friends episode.

Oh NOOOOWWW you’re finally reading Autostraddle

Karma: But you’ve at least told her all about me, right?
Amy: Are you serious? I’ve told her tons about you. I’m always like Karma this, Karma that. She can’t wait to meet you. And she will, as soon as I decide I really like her.

Right.

Cut to Amy telling Reagan that she “really likes her” as they roll around in bed sticking their tongues down each other’s throats all sexy-like.

Ok, lemme guess: Arby’s Beef and Cheddar, extra cheddar?

In fact, this makeout sesh is so hot/heavy that pretty soon they topple onto the floor, where Amy warns Reagan that if they make too much noise, Mom might start noticing that Reagan’s been sneaking in Dawson Leary style.

Oh it’s so cute how my eyeliner is smudged all over your cheek right now, you’re like a sexy bandit!

Apparently Amy just met all of Reagan’s friends, ’cause they keep texting her to say how much they loved meeting Amy. She’s a very good bowler. However, somehow Reagan and Amy have managed to maintain conversation for the past two weeks without Amy ever talking about her own friends:

Reagan: When I meet your friends I’m really gonna have to bring my A-Game. You do have friends, right? You haven’t mentioned any. Did you kill them all? I just wanna ask that up front.
Amy: Of course I have friends! They’re busy studying! Midterms. Besides, I want you all to myself.

This is gonna be so cute on my instagram

Then Amy smashes her mouth into Reagan’s mouth while tipping over the bedside photo of Karmy. Probably after this cut they started scissoring and having hot monkey sex and we’ll never get to see it!

Cut to the Hungry Harry Fighter Martial Arts Punchout Club, where Shane and Duke are rolling around in their skivvies like a homoerotic Fruit of the Loom commercial. Or, I guess, a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

Come on just relax your first prostate exam doesn’t have to be scary

Shane’s wishing he and Duke could spend time together outside of the gym. For example, he’d like to be where the people are. He’d like to see, like to see them dancing (like a bunch of homosexuals). How hard is that, Duke? Why can’t you and Shane walk around on those — what’s that word again? — FEEET? Duke insists they can’t be spotted together in public, but Shane really wants Duke to meet his friends, eventually proposing “a group hang.” “I’ll tell everyone you’re my trainer,” Shane offers. “Nobody will suspect a thing!”

Cut to the Fun Books And Food With Tables Place where Shane and Liam are stocking up on liquids for the long winter and trying to figure out what’s happening Saturday night. Everybody’s got a date, it seems, and Shane wants everybody’s dates to smash together and become one big giant group hang so that his date doesn’t feel like a real date! Unfortunately, Liam explains that double dating has been veto’ed by Amy, who says it’s too early for Reagan to meet her friends.

BRO THERE’S A TINY ELF IN YOUR EARRRRR

Karma pops up and says that she’s giving Amy space until Amy feels good and ready for her to meet Reagan. This seems a bit fishy to Shane, but more importantly, offers him an opportunity to re-brand everybody’s evening into a Group Hang.

Shane: Have to say I’m not so sure if this whole “giving Amy space” plan is the right move.
Karma: What do you mean?
Shane: I mean that while you’re off giving her space, Reagan could be burrowing herself deeper into Amy’s love nest. Lesbians move fast and they are viscously territorial.
Karma: Amy would never date anyone like that. Are you messing with me?
Shane: Fine, if you think being a former fake lesbian makes you an expert on the gay community, be my guest, take your chances.

I can’t believe you’re about to drink GMO milk

Alternately, Shane suggests that Karma and Liam just show up at Canoodle Communal with their Caboodles and show Reagan that when it comes to Amy, Karma “is the free gift with purchase.” You know, it’ll be a “group hang” with the lezzers and the buttsex trainer and the Artist Man. Fun for the whole family!

Cut to another hallowed hallway, where Theo’s being sketchy on the phone, saying, “I’m trying, I’m trying. I need more time! Gotta go.” Obviously he’s an undercover cop trying to find out who is selling drugs to innocent children. Right?

SAUCE. ON. THE. SIDE.

Then Lauren shows up wanting a status update on their relationship pronto because Lauren has her shit on lock. She starts by dumping a bunch of exposition upon us in the style of a relationship conversation: Theo and Lauren have kissed, enjoy lunch semi-regularly, and occasionally converse with gleeful emojis.

Theo: Look, I like you Lauren, but I’m not looking for anything serious —
Lauren: Well, who said I’m looking for anything serious? Especially with you! I don’t even know if you’re even boyfriend material. So, to figure that out, you’re taking me out to dinner Saturday. To someplace nice, you lose points if it’s a chain restaurant.

HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE.

Have you ever considered popping your collar?

Cut to Canoodle Communal Poodle Pony Cafe, where Amy and Reagan are being cute sarcastic girlfriends with shiny shiny shiny hair:

Waiter: All dishes are communal, just like your table.
Reagan: So how does this work? You bring me a dish and I eat it all myself?
Waiter: No, here at Communal we encourage a communal dining experience.
Amy: OHHH, okay, so we get this table all to ourselves?
Waiter: No, it’s communal dining. Communal.
Reagan: What is this place called again?

Wait, seriously? The Neverending Pasta Bowl isn’t a neverending promotion?

Amy’s gushing over how much she loves food and making fun of people, which means this date is already a success. Plus the sexual tension between these two is throbbing, truly.

HOW CUTE IS THIS

But before they can make sweet eyeball love to each other, Shane and Duke show up. Hey, better than sharing the table with a bunch of strangers though amirite!?! Ladies?

Never fear, two white guys are here!

Seriously not one person asked for more white guys.

Amy’s horrified to see a familiar face in her unfamiliar territory but not nearly as horrified as she is when Karma and Liam show up!

Hey-o here’s that third white guy you’ve been asking for!

SERIOUSLY WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

Reagan’s oozing with happiness and delight about finally getting to meet Amy’s friends.

Reagan: This is so fun! I was just telling Amy I wanted to meet her friends!
Karma: You were?
Reagan: She did the whole meet and greet with my friends, it seemed only fair. Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?
Karma: Oh, I’m Karma —
Reagan: Nice to meet you, Carmen!

Womp womp. AS IF. I WISH IT WAS CARMEN.

So I’m guessing you haven’t showed her the tattoo of my hand on your inner thigh?

Karma’s clearly miffed that Amy’s not said a word about her to Reagan, and is giving her a death glare while everybody else is giving her a “seriously?” glare and Duke is probably thinking about protein shakes.

Okay in my defense I didn’t know Reagan was gonna be wearing Santana’s shirt when I made the reservation

Then, just in case everybody wasn’t already feeling as awkward as a group hang can possibly feel, Lauren and Theo show up!

Lauren: You get an A for location, and an F for clientele.

Wishes they’d gone to Benihana

Cut to thirty seconds later, when Karma yanks Amy out of the communal meal party to have a little chat in the bathroom. Reagan gives Liam a “what the fuck?” look and Liam gives Reagan a “YUP” look, which is good practice because they’ll probably be spending the next six months to a year giving each other “seriously what’s up with our girlfriends” looks.

Hey bro, you gonna share any of that bread

You wanna fight me for it?

Karma’s livid that Reagan’s unaware of her existence, but Amy insists their relationship was just too complicated for words! You know, like how they’re best friends who do everything together and Amy used to be in love with Karma.

Karma: USED to be?
(Amy shrugs)
Karma: (unconvincingly) It’s great we’re getting past that.
Amy: I know, and it’s because of Reagan! I really like her and I didn’t want to scare her away.

Firstly: HALLELUJAH AMY ISN’T IN LOVE WITH KARMA ANYMORE!

Okay I’m ready, hit me with that Chloraseptic.

Secondly: Karma and Amy maturely decide to “start over” and Karma tells Amy that she’s sure if Amy loves Reagan that she’ll love Reagan too. That’s sweet.