Faking It Episode 203 Recap: The Most Eligible Lesbian On Campus
Welcome to the third recap of the second season of Faking It, a politically progressive dance film from the same network that brought you A Double Shot Of Love With The Ikki Twins. I apologize for the lateness of this recap, I’m in Indiana with my girlfriend’s family having a truly fantastic time. So, unfortunately, I didn’t have a chance to sit down and do this thing until just this minute and we aren’t funded by a giant digital content marketing machine that could pay somebody else to do it while I eat fried chicken. But damn do we love you and damn was this episode ALL KINDS OF STUPID. I actually really like this show even though that opinion feels unpopular, but this week’s plot was racist and sort of half-baked and Shane was being really gross. I usually like Shane, probably because he reminds me of the fun parts of high school.
Also I’m trying to cure my cat allergies with hot toddies and prescription-strength antihistamines LETS SEE HOW THAT GOES.
We open beneath a gorgeous transcendent piece of mural wall art, where Amy and Karma are discussing how they’ve gotta break up again. Or, as Karma would prefer to explain it, “consciously uncoupling.”
Karma: Then you’ll be the most eligible lesbian on campus, and then we’ll land you a smokin’ hot girlfriend!
Tinder? Really?
To be real, that’s actually true. Amy would probably be single for like six minutes. Then LIKE A KNIGHT GALLOPING INTO THE MORNING SUN, Liam Booker walks by and Karma’s rendered “unable to communicate like a normal person,” stumbling over her words to an uncharacteristically oblivious Amy about how she’ll start dating guys “again.” Did she ever date guys? I thought they didn’t date anybody.
Good thing it says “Austin, TX” on this sign or else the children would have no idea what city they were in
Then Principal Penelope shows up, exclaiming that this is just the power couple she was looking for. I hope she was looking for bad news:
Amy: Every relationship is a journey. And on that journey, there are detours. A fork in the road, so to speak —
Karma: We’ve consciously uncoupled.
Principal Penelope: I am so sorry to hear that, I hope you two keep it civil I’ve seen enough lesbian breakups to know how brutal they can be. I’d love to check in with your feelings, but at any minute, a bus load of refugees will be arriving from our sister school in Brazil.
Wait, seriously? You don’t recognize me from “My So-Called Life”?
Uh… didn’t that get cancelled before we were born?
I am deeply concerned about your generation
Yes, due to a tragic sinkhole accident, a busload of humans from Brazil will be arriving any minute now, and Penelope needs Karma’s fluency in Portuguese to translate everything every single one of them says, ever. Did they drive all the way here from Brazil?
Elsewhere on this grassy knoll of a school, Shane’s got a speech for Liam regarding Liam’s damage at him for keeping Amy’s secret, which again I think is totally okay because of the gay code.
Shane: I want you to know I’m always on Team Liam. In fact, I’m the captain. And we have these really cute uniforms—
Liam: Shane — don’t sweat it, we’re good.
Shane: Really? We’re good? But we haven’t fought like that since I outed your GI Joes.
Did you use lube, though? Because you really need lube for your first time doing anal
Welp, there goes that conflict and my fantasy of Shane explaining to his can-of-baked-beans-buddy why some secrets are just between gays. Now that they’re both single, Shane thinks they’ve really gotta mingle. Unfortunately, Liam’s decided to “bench his dong for the season,” which is unfortunate because he just said “bench my dong for the season” on television.
Shane: You’re still hung up on Karma, aren’t you? I don’t get it. Are her lips dusted with cocaine, or something?
Liam says it’s not about Karma, and that he’s only hung up on her because, unfortunately, “little Liam wanted to meet a lesbian, so he needs to be put in time out.” This is unfortunate because he just called his penis “little Liam” and referred to sex with a lesbian as a penis “meeting” a lesbian.
You know that scene in “We’re The Millers” when that little boy gets bit by a tarantula in his you-know-what? That’s what mine looks like ALL THE TIME.
“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, stat,” Shane insists. But before they can say anything else terrible, the busload of Brazilians arrives! These aren’t real Brazillians, it’s sort of like a travel brochure come to life, replete with spicy music in the cafeteria and everyone wearing bikinis to school? It’s like From Justin to Kelly meets Epcot Center meets Club Med Rio meets a boring stereotype.
Who wears short shorts? Nair wears short shorts.
In the cafeteria, which I always wanna call the Mel-Caf because that was where I got cookies at Interlochen, Lauren’s pissed that her Kale Salad has been replaced by Meats, and Penelope wants Lauren to run the Carnival! That’s so gay.
What do you mean a starfish threw up on my shirt? Feels dry to me.
Lauren’s projectile walking cross-caf when she bumps into our new friend Theo, who immediately identifies her as the HBIC — Head Bitch In Charge. Also Theo identifies as “not gay,” we learn quickly, not like Lauren cares. He’s sort of dazzling, though! I wish he was gay and then he could go to prom with Oliver.
C’mon, please? Just one quick piggy-back ride around the cafeteria I swear I can do it YOU’RE SO TINY
Elsewhere, Karma’s distraught that the “Brazilian beauties” are distracting everybody from caring about their breakup. Amy enthusiastically reaches for some coconut flan when a dreamgirl catches her eye! Amy hallucinates briefly that the girl’s hair is waving in the wind to more stock music.
BITCH YOU BETTER NOT BE REACHING FOR MY FLAN
BITCH I MIGHT BE
okay.
Out on the Main Lawn, Shane’s wearing a swimsuit and rubbing suntan lotion on Francisco, who Shane has decided is “a benchwarmer for the Brazilian soccer team” even though he doesn’t actually know anything Francisco has said this whole time and apparntly Sporkle Translate is down.
Look I figured out what to do with all that modge podge you left in my locker
Shane wants Liam to pick a “green pill” or a “pink pill” “or both,” but he’s not talking about pills, he’s talking about human girls! They’re from Brazil, though, so they’re not like real girls, they’re just sex on a stick smashed into pill form!!!! HAHAHAHAHA! WOMEN! RACISM! OTHER COUNTRIES THAT ARE NOT AMERICA THAT SHANE ASSESSES SOLEY BY STEREOTYPE! GIRLS IN BIKINIS! NOT REAL PEOPLE! JUST PILLS! LOLOLOLOLOL
These are two extras we’ve imported from a misogynist 80’s movie for your delight and enjoyment
Liam squirts suntan lotion all over the girls after they untie their tops, it’s super gross, I can’t talk about it.
Karma slides in to first base next to Amy, who’s just shared some coconut flan with Fabiana. Karma’s excited and convinced that Amy and Fabiana are destined to be together. Like Edward and Bella.
Amy: My life is not a romantic comedy. I can barely stand watching them.
Karma: Well, what about Pitch Perfect?
Amy: I like the songs, and the vaguely feminist message!
Oh my god, Amy. Look at her butt.
Karma says the Carnival is the perfect place to be in love, but Amy says she can’t fall in love with someone who doesn’t speak her language, which means this show is already more accurate than my second-least-favorite movie of all time, Love Actually. So Karma volunteers to translate! And… then a random Brazilian boy walks by and enchants both girls!
Hello, I’ve come to remind the men at home that Amy is still on the market
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
Dammit, show!
Karma: Is he as hot as I think he is?
Amy: I saw him first.
DAMMIT SHOW!
A few minutes or perhaps several light years later, Karma and Amy are prepping for their big day, and Karma has some questions about where this storyline is going:
Karma: I was surprised that you were so into that guy. I thought you took them off your menu.
Amy: I never said that.
Karma: I guess I just assumed that since you fell for me, that meant you were a lesbian.
Amy: Sometimes my body reacts to guys even though my brain doesn’t want it to. It’s like I’m a sexual hulk.
Karma: So you can see yourself having sex with a guy?
Amy: One step at a time. We’re just talking about a high school carnival here.
Karma: Well I think that this is great news. You just doubled your chances of falling in love tonight.
Um, didn’t she just say it was just a sex thing? Or is that wishful thinking? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT THIS. But seriously, the implication that hooking up with Liam could lead to this, whether said or unsaid, is disquieting.
NOT GONNA SNEEZE NOT GONNA SNEEZE NOT GONNA SNEEZE
I feel like bisexual men and lesbian women should have a special support group devoted to why every not-straight guy on Television has to be only into men and why every not-straight woman on Television has to be into women and men. This year’s Network Responsibility Index revealed that in the 2014-2015 TV season, we can expect to see 31 bisexual female characters and 44 lesbian characters, as opposed to 12 bisexual male characters and 82 gay male characters. [ETA: Another way to look at those numbers — 12% of LGBTQ male characters are into women, 41% of LGBTQ female characters are into men. Or: 73% of all LGTBQ characters are into men.] WEIRD, HUH? Almost as if Television simply prefers humans who are into men, in general. Seriously I wanna see a showrunner at the fucking upfronts talk about how the male lead on his show isn’t sure about his identity yet or doesn’t believe in labels. Sometimes it feels like the message is: women are never enough.
To be honest, I feel like my sinuses are eating the insides of my eyeballs right now so I’m not thinking coherently enough to make the point I’d like to make here (which was three paragraphs long at one point) but…. this whole situation just feels really uninspired. Boring. Unnecessary? Also: it doesn’t really fit in with everything else we’ve seen from Amy so far. It feels forced.
Really Papi?
Back at Hester High, Lauren’s put together an All-American Carnival. Okay this is hilarious. She’s dressed like she just fucking sewed the American Flag into a Jessica Simpson / Little Debbie situation and Leila is a Native American and Lisbeth is the Statue of Liberty.
Lauren: Welcome to America! We hope you enjoy your visit! But not too much. You can’t stay.
Leila: I feel weird implying I’m Native American.
Lisbeth: This gown is hot, my thighs are chafing.
Welcome to my swingers club, please put your keys in the jar when you enter
Penelope isn’t impressed with Lauren’s themed celebration:
Penelope: You’re showing them the worst of America! Sno-cones made with high fructose corn syrup? A game that glamorizes the slaughter of ducks? And I saw a guy guessing a girl’s weight for prizes.
Theo butts in, and says to Penelope that he can’t believe she’s suggesting they censor what parts of America the Brazilians are allowed to see. She’s like, no of course not! I WOULD NEVER. Lauren is impressed and offers him a spot manning the bottle toss. No, “manning the bottle toss” isn’t a euphemism for sex. Or should I say wasn’t.
I just hate fun, okay? I HATE FUN
Meanwhile, Karma is totally having Amy’s date for her, censoring Amy’s words and intentionally mis-translating the inane conversation between Amy and Fabiana.
She said “I find my role on this episode fundamentally offensive.” Well, actually she said “problematic” but Riese officially forbade all Autostraddle writers from using that word anymore as of one month ago, so I’m taking some creative liberties
Eventually, Karma gets frustrated with Fabiana’s pitching arm and invades her game of throw-the-ball-at-the-thing, winning Amy a teddy bear but losing Fabiana to the other side of the room.
Pick a man, any man, and throw as hard as you possibly can
Shane convinces Liam to tag along and take a “grenade” out of Francisco’s grill, promising that she’s “no Giselle” and therefore won’t threaten Liam’s celibacy plot device.
DUDE. IT’S FREE. FREE BLUEGRASS, ALL DAY ALL WEEKEND. IN THE PARK!
Bad news: the “grenade” is actually “super hot.”
Wait are you the guy who got bit by a spider in his you-know-what?
Luckily, Amy quickly runs into The Boy, and Date #2 is underway!
Please say “Boston Market”
Then, Karma screws up Amy’s date with Boy by shoving them both on the ferris wheel, where he has a panic attack.
I was told there would be mashed potatoes
This is what happens when you promise somebody three side dishes, one of them being cinnamon apples, and don’t deliver
Amy uses a lot of VCR imagery to tell Karma to butt out of her life and her date! It’s a real Stephanie Tanner moment.
I’ll have a taskrabbit bring macaroni and cheese to the hospital!
Karma then butts in on Liam’s date with Not-Giselle, which doesn’t really take off as an idea. They stare at each other while Karma eats from a large tub of popcorn, which is actually the best part of the scene, how she’s like, whatever, I dress like a fancy Mom and I’m holding an extra-large tub of popcorn like a baby, how you like me now?
You know what? I WISH I was at an Arby’s ’cause there’s better food and cooler people there!
Shane shoves in to tell Karma that “Lauren is looking for someone full of hot air to go blow up some balloons!” if she’d like to skedaddle. Karma shuffles off with her sadness and her liquid butter.
Seriously, it’s like a magic fish you put it in your hand and it tells you if you’re a good lover or not. Try it!
Meanwhile, kids are necking! Amy and Fabiana are sitting in awkward silence when Amy decides to spill her guts, insulated by Fabiana not knowing English. But really, isn’t this speech spoken in the Universal Language of Lesbian/Straight Girl Love?
Amy: I fell in love with my best friend, and I finally got up the guts to tell her, everything got weird, and now she can’t wait for me to fall for someone else, but every time I look at her my stomach gets these fluttery I think I’m gonna barf feelings, and as much as I want them to go away, I kinda don’t, you know?
This is my best imitation of the single tear gif
“We kiss now?” Fabiana asks. YEAH that’s my kind of girl, get right to the point!
Lauren gets really mad at Theo for giving away a free stuffed banana to “The School Slut,” because this isn’t socialism, they don’t give phallic objects as prizes for being “The School Slut,” she has plenty of phalluses at home LOL can you tell I’ve had too much allergy medicine and hot toddies tonight. So then Lauren and the school slut rip the prize apart while fighting for it and she’s like, oh now it’s your prize for being the school’s biggest bitch! DAMN GINA.
No I’M the biggest bananahead!
This leads to Lauren and Theo bonding over how weird this school is, like how they have to hold hands and sing “We Are The World” every day in homeroom, which Lauren says is “just the tip of the melting iceberg.” But Theo defends certain aspects of the Hester High Experience:
Theo: Come on, there’s no bullying, no silly cliques, no sodas in the vending machines — those are just empty calories — look I’m not saying you have to stop wearing leather, just loosen up a bit!
Lauren: Are you calling me uptight?
Theo: Just look around. Everyone’s having a great time except you, and I bet you’re even prettier when you smile.
Here, wear this hat, lesbians love hats
So he makes her smile! Aw. Also he’s like two feet taller than her, they have a real Will Smith / Jada Pinkett Smith thing going on.
Well, well, well, looks like Amy and Fabina have gotten themselves into a little stiff-armed kissing where only their lips touch and not any of their body parts. I think I must be an animal or something, I would’ve already bitten her arm off by now, who are these people. I feel like this has been a chronic issue with Amy.
Don’t move, I’m trying to get some popcorn out of your teeth with my tongue
Karma smiles like she’s genuinely thrilled by this, and then whips out her binoculars. She takes one look, smiles again, and then finds herself re-drawn to the binocs, like a moth to a flame of your best friend hooking up with another lady.
Awww, the stiff-bodied kiss, my favorite kind!
Shane blocks her view and is like, what are you up to Nancy Drew? Are you just trying to push Amy off on somebody she can’t communicate with in words so you can go hide Liam’s salami behind the burning bush?
No I don’t have an “I like to watch” fetish, why do you ask
Shane: You pretended you were a lesbian to be popular. On behalf of my people, we find that off-putting.
Karma: You were the one who outed me.
Shane: You could’ve corrected me. But you didn’t. You used your witchy ways and made my two favorite people fall for you. And I have no clue how you did it.
Then Shane leans over and smashes his lips into her lips.
This is how gay boys and straight girls have sex
I think it’s supposed to be a kiss? anyhow, then he goes, “nope, still don’t get it.” Yeah that was the worst lip-smash EVER.
A period of time later, Amy finds Karma, who’s still working on a big puff of cotton candy. Amy wants to sing You’re the One That I Want, which is like, WAOAH okay way to tease me with my ultimate lesbian fantasy!
What do you mean that shark documentary wasn’t real? DIDN’T IT BITE CHUNKS OUT OF WHALES
Amy said she was a really good kisser but that Amy’s hands are orange now from her self-tanner? Seriously this episode was written in a room so thick with marijuana smoke that you could get high just from living down the block.
Period sex. Seriously. Like my whole world has changed.
Anyhow, Amy’s obviously a little bit annoyed by Karma’s eagerness to ‘set her up’ with someone else. Seriously nothing makes you feel more pathetic and single than the person you have a crush on trying to push you off on somebody else. I think Carmen said as much to Shane re: Jenny that one time. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Karma: I never expected that the way that I love you would ever not be enough. You deserve someone who makes me happy.
Amy: You make me happy.
Karma: You know what I mean.
Amy: I do. And I promise I will move on, but it just might take a while.
Anyhow, why dwell on all that when they could ride the ferris wheel until Karma turns green? LOLOLOL Best friends!
Seriously this isn’t The Matterhorn, it’s just a fucking ferris wheel, grow the hell up
Have you noticed that all their friendship rituals seem like, kinda affected and youngish? They make Snickerdoodles, force each other to drink glasses of green mayonnaise, watch Twilight 56 times while eating cake frosting, and hog the ferris wheel when there’s probably a very long line! It’s cute, sure, but doesn’t always feel authentic. Actually I can’t decide if it’s adorable or inauthentic.
Amy’s not the only one who can’t get over Karma – Liam tells Shane that he couldn’t seal the deal with not-Giselle because Karma. Shane suggests a radical concept — forgive her and move on! But he can’t.
Liam: I did forgive her, that’s not what’s standing in the way.
Shane: So, what is?
Liam: After you told me the truth I got really drunk and I slept with —
Shane: Let me guess! Brandy? Soliel? That girl from homeroom?
Liam: Amy.
Shane: OH MY GOD.
Liam: The guilt is killing me. I have to tell Karma.
durrrrr
Shane makes a face like he doesn’t have another line in this scene and is waiting for them to yell CUT! Meanwhile, Amy and Karma are screaming on the ferris wheel like it’s the motherfucking Tower of Terror. THESE KIDS NEED TO CHILL.
There you have it — that’s the show! This is definitely my least favorite episode of Faking It thus far. Hopefully next week will be totally different and fun like it usually is!