Every Current Lesbian/Bisexual TV Character, Ranked By U-Hauling Potential
The lull between summer TV season and fall TV season is a good time to evaluate where we are on television, in terms of queer female representation. As Autostraddle CEO + Editor-in-Chief Riese mentioned last week, we’re moving away from counting gay characters now; it’s time to talk about quality, not quantity. So while we await new episodes of our favorite regular season shows, we thought it would be a good time to address the thing you really care about: Which lesbian/bisexual TV characters would be the best to U-Haul with? And so we’ve evaluated every major recurring lesbian/bi character that currently has a place on American television and ranked them in order of Most U-Hauling Potential to Least U-Hauling Potential!
Off limits: Stef and Lena, The Fosters
Sorry, they belong together forever; you’re not invited.
Off limits: Nomi and Amanita, Sense8
They’re too in love to ever U-Haul with anyone but each other.
46. Sara Harvey, Pretty Little Liars
Pros: None.
Cons: Literally the most boring human being on earth. Takes too many showers.
45. Piper Chapman, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: Good at crafty, Pinterest-style home decorating projects.
Cons: Is a narcissistic abyss of Slytherin schemes and unquenchable insecurities.
44. Tituba, Salem
Pros: V. skilled in magic, could whip up healing potions, etc. in a snap if you’re feeling under the weather.
Cons: Worships the literal devil and would always be doing murder around the house and leaving blood and guts everywhere.
43. Barbara Kean, Gotham
Pros: Knows Batman.
Cons: Is a manipulative psychopath with no qualms about killing even her own family. Wouldn’t be able to spend much time together as she now resides in Arkham Asylum.
42. Rose, Jane the Virgin
Pros: Really hard worker, master entrepreneur; making rent would never be a problem. Interested in having sex in new and exciting places.
Cons: Deals drugs, kidnaps babies.
41. Tara, The Walking Dead
Pros: Loyal, savvy, strong will to survive.
Cons: Too much exposure to the zombie apocalypse, would need lengthy period of re-socialization, similar to a feral cat.
40. Audrey, Scream
Pros: Would stay up all night watching old movies with you and discussing themes of sexism, homophobia, etc.
Cons: Potentially would murder you, as she potentially did to her first girlfriend and others.
39. Faith, UnREAL
Pros: Sweet, really looking to take things to the next commitment level no matter what it takes.
Cons: Will be suffering from reality TV PTSD for the rest of her life.
38. Reagan, Faking It
Pros: Fun! Loyal! Really willing to get in it with you and help you work through your stuff and love your family even though they make her crazy.
Cons: Believes her own singular anecdotal experience of dating a bisexual woman who left her for a man is universal, never wants you to ever have even looked longingly at another human before you met her.
37. Emily Fields, Pretty Little Liars
Pros: Lots of lived experiences, plenty of stories to share. Pretty good at cooking. Deep, deep empathy for everything you’re going through at all times.
Cons: You’ll be murdered for absolute sure.
36. Shay, Orphan Black
Pros: Willing to take on all your significant baggage, into romantic gestures like bringing you breakfast in bed, basically a living ASMR video.
Cons: But like do you really know her? Do you?
35. Lena, Ray Donovan
Pros: Is Shane 2.0.
Cons: Is Shane 2.0.
34. Nicky Nichols, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: Will always make you laugh, even in her most nihilistic spirals. Sees through the bullshit to the heart of things.
Cons: In perpetual Self-Destruct mode.
33. Sameen Shaw, Person of Interest
Pros: Willing to take a literal bullet for you. V. tech savvy, could figure out how to get all the remotes to work with just one remote.
Cons: Occasional psychotic tendencies.
32. Lt. Alisha Granderson, The Last Ship
Pros: A smart, hard worker with a golden soul.
Cons: Lives on a spaceship a billion lightyears away.
31. Delphine, Orphan Black
Pros: If you’ve got a problem, yo, she’s solved it. Like waking up next to a puppy every morning. Actual genius human, would talk you down every time you self-diagnosed cancer after visiting Web MD.
Cons: Potentially is dead, you might have to U-Haul with her ghost.
30. Lexa, The 100
Pros: Resourceful, probably could make dinner out of just some crackers and one condiment. Good at looking at the big picture. Enjoys a good give-and-take.
Cons: Is pretty sure love is a weakness, slave to justice.
29. Alex Vause, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: All overshadowed by letting Piper Chapman ruin her life on repeat.
Cons: Has also ruined Piper Chapman’s life on repeat.
28. Karma, Faking It
Pros: When she gets you, she gets you. When she loves you, she loves you.
Cons: Paralyzing inability to make up her mind, inexplicable fondness for one-dimensional straight white oafish man-children.
27. Nyssa al Ghul, Arrow
Pros: You’ll be safe here.
Cons: Her family is a real piece of work.
26. Luisa Alver, Jane the Virgin
Pros: Loyal and compassionate, super smart and super rich(!).
Cons: Dating a MMA fighter who could destroy you, hasn’t quite conquered her addictive tendencies yet.
25. Big Boo, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: Will go to war for you, can stretch a penny for a mile, not afraid of some sexual experimentation.
Cons: Actually kind of likes going to war?
24. Alison DiLaurentis, Pretty Little Liars
Pros: Has several billion dollars stashed away in various hidey-holes. Has a pilot’s license which will make for easy weekend getaways. Can hold her breath for hours. Knows at least one real witch.
Cons: Lives in a graveyard, potentially suffering from having her brain completely wiped clean.
23. Madame Vastra, Doctor Who
Pros: Always up for an adventure, not scared of any bumps in the night or bugs or anything like that.
Cons: Not really good at knowing what hurts a human lady’s feelings.
22. Root, Person of Interest
Pros: Once you have her heart, it is yours forever. V. good with computer things, could deal with all your wireless router troubles without blowing a gasket.
Cons: Hot-tempered a little bit, likes killing a little bit also.
21. Bo Dennis, Lost Girl
Pros: Doesn’t mind gettin’ into a little trouble.
Cons: Is always gettin’ into trouble.
20. Tiana, Empire
Pros: Would fill your house with the most beautiful music from her own personal vocal chords! Friends with Cookie Lyon!
Cons: Hakeem up in your business forever.
19. Clarke, The 100
Pros: Believes in your power, will never leave you behind to save herself if your apartment catches on fire, thrifty, good at medicine things, good at looking on the bright side even in the most dire circumstances.
Cons: Kind of also thinks love is a weakness.
18. M-Chuck, Survivor’s Remorse
Pros: Loves to laugh, steadfast and true in her love for you, will not tolerate homophobic bullying, up for making out in church even.
Cons: Really, really wrapped up in her family’s drama.
17. Betty, Masters of Sex
Pros: Like living with Luna Lovegood, kind of.
Cons: Her boss is the worst and she has a hard time leaving her work at work.
16. Amy, Faking It
Pros: Loves deeply and foreverly, a perfect mix of sweetness and sass.
Cons: Probably never going to be over falling for her best friend in high school, to be honest.
15. Suzanne, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: You’ll never need to spend money on books; she’ll write a whole library for you. Really likes to keep things tidy, doesn’t mind doing the hard housework. Her wisdom will blow you away probably every day.
Cons: Startled by intimacy, weirdly over-involved parents.
14. Cosima Niehuas, Orphan Black
Pros: Probably could invent a robot to do all the cooking and cleaning. Will go on ice cream runs in the middle of the night. Her smile would be your alarm clock, like the sun gently waking you up to begin each new day.
Cons: She’s been dying for a while.
13. Abby Isaacs, Manhattan
Pros: An ardent, devoted companion; ready and willing to try all kinds of new lesbian things she’s never tried before; just wants to make a happy home for you.
Cons: Married to a guy building an atomic bomb.
12. Arizona Robbins, Grey’s Anatomy
Pros: Failed first marriage has given her some perspective about what’s important in life. Really wants a comfortable, happy home. Very good with kids and probably pets also.
Cons: A little bit blame-y about things that aren’t your fault, workaholic.
11. Sophia, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: A hard worker who likes to laugh and also have deep discussions, willing to go the extra hundred miles for people she loves, unwilling to compromise on her principles. Just wants a quiet life with the people she loves most.
Cons: Love sometimes blinds her.
10. Brenna, Chasing Life
Pros: Has Her Shit Together, knows what’s important in life, stands up for what’s right even if it’s not popular.
Cons: Her (very valid) fear of losing the things she loves might make her a little clingy.
9. Tamsin, Lost Girl
Pros: Loves with a love that lasts forever, and she should know because she’s immortal. All the best qualities of all the best roommates you’ve ever had.
Cons: Sometimes has to travel to hell for extended periods of time for work.
8. Soso, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: Knows what she wants out of life now, treasures the moments that matter, ready to make a life with someone who deserves her.
Cons: Impulsive, occasionally gets pulled into a cult.
7. Gail Peck, Rookie Blue
Pros: She’s got a good career and a good heart and she’s done playing the game. She’s ready to settle down, start a family even.
Cons: 100 times out of 100, she chooses to listen to her gut instead of her brain.
6. Paige McCullers, Pretty Little Liars
Pros: Wants to spend time nesting but also hitting up diners and eating all the donuts, has looked into the abyss and survived, so loyal the Sorting Hat placed her in Gryffindor before it even landed on her head, forgives easily because she knows what it’s like to need forgiveness.
Cons: Sometimes she tries so hard she breaks things.
5. Maggie, Younger
Pros: A driven, successful artist with a hella nice rent controlled loft in Bushwick. Is cool going out or staying in, it’s up to you really.
Cons: Everyone in Bushwick drives unicycles now.
4. Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy
Pros: She’s not messing around anymore. She knows what she can and cannot live without, and she’s going to get it. When she says she’s there for you, she’s there for you.
Cons: A bad luck cloud follows her around like she’s Charlie Brown.
3. Lauren Lewis, Lost Girl
Pros: Selfless, nurturing, adorable, whip-smart, superheroic, Canadian.
Cons: Not very good at saying no when her ex-girlfriend is in trouble. (Her ex-girlfriend is always in trouble.)
2. Jenny, Doctor Who
Pros: She cooks, cleans, loves to makeout, makes you laugh, holds you when you cry, and also is a time-traveling kick-ass ninja-woman who errs on the side of misandry and will not stand for oppression or injustice!
Cons: Dies sometimes for just a little while.
1. Poussey Washington, Orange Is the New Black
Pros: She’s perfect.
Cons: None.
We’re eager to hear your opinions on our opinions on this subject.