The Vesper Is a Vibrator Doubling as a Necklace Doubling as the Wingman I Didn’t Know I Needed

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Crave Vesper, available at Babeland.

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Well, golly gee! If only there were a subtle, flirty way to wear a sex toy around my neck,” allow me to introduce you to the Vesper. This sleek, rechargeable, external vibrator is made of stainless steel. It comes in three different colors: silver ($69), rose gold/silver ($79), and 24k gold ($149) — oh, and you can wear it on a chain.

The whole vibrator-as-necklace thing might seem gimmicky, but the Vesper genuinely looks like a decent piece of androgynous jewelry. I’m a muscle-tees-for-all-occasions person, but I imagine this vibrator/necklace would pair well with a number of different outfits. Most importantly, it’s subtle. I wore the silver Vesper out and about on multiple occasions, and to my knowledge, no one noticed that I was WEARING A LITERAL SEX TOY  — probably because it lacks the classic sex toy shape and its one and only button is fairly discreet. You can probably get away with wearing the Vesper just about anywhere, and if you’re feeling flirty, you can quietly disclose its function to your date. That’s some varsity-level foreplay, folks — get on it.

Now you know that the Vesper looks good, but you’re probably wondering how it feels and functions. Trust that I THOROUGHLY and DILIGENTLY tested this toy so I can deliver my feedback to you. Let’s start with the pros:

Pro #1 — Despite its size, the Vesper is powerful, so if you like intense, pin-pointed, clit stimulation or buzzy nipple torture, add this one to your cart. The Vesper can also keep you stimulated for a decent amount of time — the toy can operate for 40 minutes without dying. For a small vibrator, those are impressive specs.

Pro #2 — The Vesper offers three speeds and one pulse pattern that are all controlled by a single button, so this toy is a straightforward option for first-time users. I was actually quite impressed with the pulse option. I’m typically a single-speed dyke, but the Vesper’s pulse pattern provided a perfect, slow build-up to an orgasm.

Pro #3 — The Vesper is easy to charge. Unlike most modern vibes with magnetic chargers, the Vesper’s USB charger screws securely into the top of the toy, so you don’t have to worry about knocking your toy off its charger at an inopportune moment.

Despite my compliments, I do have three cons:

#1 — The Crave website boasts that the Vesper is “whisper quiet.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this toy sounds less like a whisper and more like a tiny lawnmower under the covers. If you live with others and you’re trying to be discreet about your masturbation habits, this might not be the best toy for you — unless you’re willing to blast music or run a white noise machine while you do the deed.

#2 — After prolonged use, this toy can get pretty hot — and I don’t mean “hot” as in “sexy;” I mean, “Ouch, my clit is burning!” Using the Vesper over my underwear resolved the clit-burning issue, but for folks who need direct vibrator-to-clit contact, the heat could present a bigger issue.

#3 — This toy is very slim, so it can be difficult to grip during use, especially if you’re someone who deals with chronic hand pain or limited finger mobility.

In summary, if you like a lot of bells and whistles, this vibrator won’t blow you away, but if you’re looking for an intense, simple toy that doubles as a statement piece, the Vesper will be your best wingman.

7 Sex Toys for Fat, Queer Sex and Masturbation

I’ve been plus-sized for practically my entire life, so I know a thing or two about fat pleasure. Being blessed with more to love comes with beautiful perks, but sometimes pleasuring your own fat body or a partner’s fat body can be challenging. While sex education books and online content has granted all of us the opportunity to learn more about sex and pleasure, this content rarely addresses fat, queer folks or fat folks in general. Plus, there are SO MANY sex toys out there, but few are made specifically with fat bodies in mind.

This means that as fat folks, we have to get creative in the bedroom. Fortunately, there are plenty of toys that can help you have your best fat, queer sex with yourself or with a plus-sized partner. These ideas come from my personal sexual experiences and conversations with my fat comrades. But before we get into the toys, let’s start with some general tips for solo and partnered pleasure:

Stay present.

Getting stuck in your head isn’t going to help you enjoy masturbation. Additionally, if you’re moments away from getting your back or mind blown and you’re worried about what’s about to go down, your partner will be able to tell the vibe is off. Loosen up! Slow, meditative breathing during sexual stimulation can help to bring you back into your body. Preparation rituals can help, too — I like taking a super hot, sensual shower prior to my sexy time. This helps me to slow down my mind and give myself some self-love before pleasure.

Share affirming words.

If you’re loving on a partner’s fat body, affirming words can go a long way. Make sure to let them know how much you love every part of their body — back rolls, fupa, and all! If you are a plus-sized partner who’s getting loved on, ask for (and accept) affirmation from your partner or from yourself. Some of my favorite affirmations are affirming beauty (I/You are so beautiful), affirming worthiness (I/You deserve to feel amazing), and giving permission to fill time and space (I/You can take up all the time I/you need while I/you enjoy this). Even if you don’t fully believe the words at the moment, repeating them out loud might help you step into your confidence.

Have fun!

Pleasure is about more than just doing what feels good. Play. Explore. Switch up your usual roles, maybe? During masturbation and sex, show yourself and your partner what you enjoy. Step out of your comfort zone — it’ll be worth it.

Now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s get into the juicy part. Here are seven types of sex toys that work well for fat folks. Try them out solo or use them with partners.

Satisfyer Pro 2 ($69.95)

This rechargeable clit suction toy throws “taking it slow” out the window. The chubby handle makes this toy easy to grip and provides a little extra reach. Use it solo or during penetration with a partner. You can also use it for nipple stimulation!

B-Vibe Rimming Plug 2 ($165)

Anal play brings pleasure to a whole new level. If you’re new to anal, an anal plug kit is a lovely place to start — there are anal training kits that also have loops on the bases for easy handling and insertion (this set is just $35.99). But if you’re a little more experienced, try the rechargeable b-Vibe Rimming Plug 2, which provides hands-free internal vibration — and the rotating beads in the stem mimic the sensation of anilingus. You can change the settings using a remote, so there’s no need to reach around. Try it solo or during sexy time with a partner. Too big for your booty? Try the petite version. And don’t forget to use lube!

FemmeFunn Booster Rabbit ($119.99)

The FemmeFunn Booster Rabbit is a rechargeable, dual-stimulation silicone vibrator designed for clitoral and vaginal use — and the shaft vibrates and rotates! This toy has a decent insertable length (again, extra reach!), and the buttons are easy to press and navigate without having to look down or interrupt your flow. You can also use the routing internal portion externally to simulate digital or tongue stimulation on clits, butts, and nipples.

We-Vibe Sync 2 ($149)

The Sync 2 is an on-the-go, rechargeable clitoral and vaginal vibrator known for its C-shape. You can use this at home or wear it out on an adventurous date. The best part? It’s entirely hands-free, so you don’t have to strain your arm while trying to hold your vibrator on the right spot. You can use the We-Vibe app to change the settings and patterns — or a partner can use the app to operate your toy from anywhere, any time!

Spareparts Tomboii Boxer Brief Harness ($134.99)

Strap-ons have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of having to deal with nylon or leather straps cutting into your thick thighs and chafing in unwanted places. So if you want to try strap-on sex with a partner, opt for an underwear or a brief harness instead, like the Spareparts Tomboii Boxer Brief Harness, which goes up to a size 5X. For a femme option, try the Bella or the Sasha.

Le Wand ($185)

This particular rechargeable wand is special for two reasons: the handle is extra long, and the vibration is strong AF. Reach is absolutely not a concern with this toy, so you can tell your thick tummy, arms, and legs to mind their business this time. You can also buy attachments that will turn this external toy into a penetrative toy.  For a less pricey (but still powerful) option, try the original Magic Wand.

Calexotics Red-Hot Collection ($61.99 per toy)

This line of rechargeable, water-resistant external vibrators are great staples for masturbation or partnered sex. They have a nice velvety texture that feels nice to the touch but won’t easily slip out of your hand when wet. Unlike your typical bullet vibrator, these toys have length, and most are curved for easy reach. Use one of these in front of the mirror and watch yourself masturbate, use it on a partner, or show a partner how you like to be pleased.

Do you have suggestions for more sex toys that work well for fat bodies? Share your ideas in the comments!

The Roslyn Bodysuit Harness and the B.Cush Made Me Feel Hot and Horny

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the offthetongue Roslyn Bodysuit Harness, available on the manufacturer’s website, and the b.cush, available at Babeland.

The best strap-on guides have detailed breakdowns for which harnesses are best for beginners, intermediate users, and more advanced strappers. The rationale for that feels pretty simple and fairly obvious: some harnesses are easier to fit, wear, and use, even if you are trying out a strap for the very first time.

But some of us have champagne taste, and I refuse to apologize for wanting to get fancy from the jump. I have been wanting to try strap-on sex with my partner for years, but none of the beginner-style harnesses fit the bill in terms of my personal preferences and aesthetics. I didn’t want to go to masc or too femme, and I didn’t want to have the sound of Velcro potentially ruining the mood — but I also didn’t want to risk a gorgeous leather harness sliding down during my first time out (or in, as it were). A strap-on is an investment, but I felt fairly confident that this was an item that would get a consistent use in my household.

Enter: the offthetongue Roslyn bodysuit harness.

This one-piece, lace-covered, machine-washable bodysuit is absolutely gorgeous. There are no zippers, snaps, or Velcro on the bodysuit. This means it’s important to read the size guide carefully (sizes range from US size 6-8 to US size 18-20), and it means that that the harness incredibly easy to get on and off — you just step into it and pull it up over your torso. The decorative strap in the back was adjustable, but nothing else was, so I was honestly surprised that the bodysuit fit as well as it did. Plus, it was incredibly comfortable and made my body look amazing.

A number of things about this bodysuit are customizable, which I really loved. In addition to the comprehensive size chart, the bodysuit is available in black or ivory, crotchless or not crotchless, and with a choice of O-ring size (4cm or 5.3cm, with flexibility on each size). The garter straps are also detachable, making this an easy piece to integrate into your wardrobe — I personally love lingerie that I can wear out of the house to subtly remind my partner of what I’m going to do to her later, so this bodysuit absolutely fit the bill in that department, too. With its impeccable construction; thick, sturdy fabric; and simple details that made me feel just-femme-enough, this bodysuit is an absolute winner.

offthetongue

I got the standard 4cm size O-ring for my bodysuit, but it’s flexible enough to fit a number of dildo sizes and worked perfectly with my partner’s preferred toy. I found that while it was much easier to put the dildo in place before pulling the bodysuit up and on, it was also possible to slip the dildo into the ring through the thigh hole while the harness was already on my body.

Just because I’m the one wearing the strap doesn’t mean that I don’t want to get off, too, and I admit that I’ve had ambitious fantasies of my partner and I orgasming at the same time. Everyone’s body is different, and the way that I’m shaped, the base of the dildo didn’t come particularly close to my vulva while wearing the Roslyn bodysuit harness. Instead, the base hit at the front of my pelvis. The positioning was great for controlling the dildo, but since clitoral stimulation is the primary way that I get off, I was initially a bit disappointed by where the O-ring hit my body. Fortunately, I had something extra to help out with that particular issue: the b.cush.

This oblong-shaped, molded piece of silicone sticks to the base of a dildo. One side is completely flat and sticky, while the other side has bumps and grooves that soften the impact during fucking and also make things more exciting for the strap-wearing partner. Some tools like this (including the earlier version of this particular product, which was unfortunately named the BumpHer) stretch over the end of the dildo rather than sticking to it, and I was a bit concerned that the b.cush would fall off easily during sex. But after sticking it to the base of my partner’s favorite dildo and figuring out where everything felt best against my body, the tightness of the bodysuit meant that everything miraculously stayed snug and in place.

With the harness, dildo, and b.cush all on, I felt pretty damn hot. But as it was my first time, I took the sage advice of wise strappers before me and wore the full set around the house for a while when my partner wasn’t home, trying to get used to the weight and feel of the whole situation. I was worried that I would look silly or foolish or that I would catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and feel completely ridiculous.

Yet looking at myself in the beautiful Roslyn bodysuit harness, with my partner’s favorite colorful dildo firmly situated in the front, I just felt hot, in control, and horny. The dildo stayed in place better than I’d expected, and even with some practice thrusts and walking around for a bit, it didn’t fall out of place at all. The b.cush added extra comfort and stability. I felt a lot more confident in this harness than I’d expected to and couldn’t wait to test it all out with my partner.

And test we did. My partner and I had used her dildo during sex before, and I’d even pressed it up against my pelvis and upper thigh while fucking her with it to simulate the feel of a strap-on. But getting to have my hands free while we were having this kind of penetrative sex was a game-changer. The harness felt sturdy and supportive, so I wasn’t worried about it ripping or shifting during sex, even when she tugged on it. While the stimulation from the dildo’s base didn’t get me off on its own, the b.cush certain helped soften the impact on my pelvis during fucking, and the harness stayed in place even better than I could’ve hoped, with very few adjustments needed (plus, it’s very easy — and sexy — to take off when you’re ready to move to other activities).

If you’re looking for a gorgeous, fancy harness that makes fucking hot, fun, and pleasurable, or if you want to add increased excitement and stability for the strap-wearing partner with your favorite dildo, these items should go right to the top of your shopping list.

Meet the Proud Pervs Behind Bedroom Besties, a New Gender-Inclusive Sex Toy Company

feature image via Bedroom Besties
It’s Masturbation May! Once again, we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles on solo pleasure-seeking. And speaking of pleasure, there’s no better time to purchase a sex toy from a gender-inclusive, kink-positive sex toy retailer like Bedroom Besties. Scroll to the bottom of the article for a discount code!

Sometimes shopping online for a sex toy can feel like shopping for a kitchen appliance. The descriptions are vague, the photos look sterile, and the dimensions feel meaningless when you can’t see the product in action. But that’s not the case at Bedroom Besties, a new online sex toy retailer created with queer and trans pleasure (and perversion) in mind.

Berry, Ethel, and Arch — three “sex-obsessed” friends — launched the Bedroom Besties website in January. “We all saw a gap in how sex toys were sold to trans and queer folks,” Berry says. “We realized we could fill that hole — pun fully intended.”

If you browse the Bedroom Besties’ website (which is definitely NSFW, btw), you’ll find an array of sex toys for folks of all genders. Many of those toys have accompanying photos of hot, naked queers demonstrating how the toys work on their bits and bods. This isn’t a new idea — other sex toy retailers like Mr. S Leather share explicit images in their online stores — but those retailers typically center the bodies and interests of cis gay men. Bedroom Besties’ photos reflect a broader spectrum of queer and trans bodies. This marketing choice is partially for the eye candy (“Who doesn’t love to shop while turned on?” Ethel says), but also, it’s practical.

“Sex toys aren’t always intuitive in how they work or who they work on. We want to showcase the various ways toys fit on trans bodies and during queer sex,” says Arch, a Bedroom Besties co-founder and former Autostraddle writer (!!!). Eventually, Bedroom Besties plans to have photos and demo videos accompanying every toy they sell.

The educational smut isn’t the only unique aspect of Bedroom Besties’ website. The retailer ditches the industry’s typical bashful euphemisms and markets toys using explicit language — words like “fucking” and “cumming” abound.

“We use explicit language because we have explicit content, and we want to be upfront about the fact that being pornographic is part of the Bedroom Besties mission,” Ethel says. “We are talking to the many horny freaks out there who, like us, long for the obscene and titillating content made by trans and queer people for trans and queer people.”

Using explicit language across all online platforms also helps Bedroom Besties stay true to the company’s ideals, even when nudity restrictions and algorithms force them to tone down their porny pics.

“We find it really frustrating to have to censor our sexuality to be seen, especially since sex is literally the point of a sex shop,” Arch says. “So while we may not be able to share our uncensored photos on social media, we can at least slip a little dirty talk in.”

If you’re planning to buy a new sex toy (or your first ever sex toy!) this Masturbation May and you’re feeling lost, Bedroom Besties can help you out with a free, fifteen-minute phone consultation. “If you don’t know where to start on your sex toy journey, if you’re unsure what might work best for your bod, or if you want to discuss any specific concerns you have about sex toys, these free phone consultations are a good place to start,” Arch says. Shy shoppers, fear not — the company also answers questions via email or Instagram DM.

Curious about the founders’ favorite toys? Here are their top recommendations:

Berry: The We-Vibe Melt is my ride or die, desert island toy. It’s primarily for use on the clit, but it can also feel great against nipples! The suction is strong and ultra-focused, and the slim shape makes it ideal for fitting between two bodies or using in combination with an internal toy. And it’s got a super long battery life, so as someone who never remembers to charge my toys, that’s a huge plus.

Ethel: The Spareparts Joque Harness is both comfortable and provocative. As a switch, I wanted something that could fit my body and a variety of other people’s bodies as well. The velcro adjustable waistband holds everything in place for all your favorite positions. It also tightens around your thighs and is easy to tighten in the midst of a long session of play. Then you can just wash it with the rest of your laundry. If you are thinking about purchasing a strap, this is my number one recommendation.

Arch: Okay, I’ll be talking about this dildo until I die, but I absolutely love the Shaft Model Dildos! There’s a variety of styles, sizes, and colors to pick from. Not only are they dual-density, soft silicone dildos, but they’re perfect for ‘pack and play,’ if you want to take the show on the road!

Bedroom Besties is offering Autostraddle readers a discount code to help you slut it up solo or in sexy company. Enter “AUTOSLUTS” at checkout for 20% off your purchase.

The Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator Is the MILF of the Sex Toy World

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator, available at Babeland.

Okay, first thing’s first: This vibrator is very, very good. It’s worth the hype, and I would say it’s also worth the price tag. That said, I have some more intricate thoughts about it, which is good, because otherwise this sex toy review would be quite short.

I’ve eyed this vibrator for a long time, so I’ve gotten used to its bizarre look — but wow, it’s very strange to look at! It sort of looks like an electric toothbrush when it’s standing on your bedside table (this makes sense, because the Eroscillator was actually created by the same person who invented the electric toothbrush!). While I don’t hate a good roleplay where I pretend to be a teen using an electric toothbrush to masturbate again, it’s definitely not slick or sexy like some of the newer vibrators on the market today. But it’s not ugly — just odd-looking.

The Eroscillator plugs into the wall, rather than running on batteries or needing to be charged, which rules. The cord is very long, which also rules, and the fact that your masturbation or sex session will never be interrupted by the disappointing whimpers of a dying vibrator is a huge deal. This baby can go forever.

As for performance, I expected to be blown away, and I was. The Eroscillator is for you if you like oscillating vibrations on and around your clit, your nipples, the tip of your penis, or any other body part you can think to use this on. I personally love this exact type of movement on my clit and on my nipples, so I was delighted. My partner really liked the movement on her clit, but she wasn’t a big fan of the sensation on her nipples — she said it just didn’t do it for her.

The Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator, specifically, comes with multiple attachments — according to the manufacturer, one is made of silicone, and the rest are made of TPR and nylon. Some of them feel pretty standard, and some of them feel wild. (The other Eroscillators on the market do not come with as many attachments and do not have as strong a motor. I’ve heard anecdotally that it’s not a big deal when comparing the motors, but that the attachments are really worth it to splurge on, which is what drew me to the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator.) The “Ball and Cup” attachment, for example, felt great, as did the “Golden Spoon” — those shapes really cupped my clit. Meanwhile, the “Ultra Soft Finger Tip” was a little too soft for me, and while the “French Legionnaire’s Moustache” looked BIZARRE (truly like a little moustache — with hair!), when I used it on my partner, she LOVED it — so don’t judge a book by its cover. The “Grapes and Cockscomb” attachment was a surprise winner in our household, and the “Seven Pearls of the Orient” looked sexy (“Is that for anal?” my partner asked, and upon reading the pamphlet that came with the toy, I learned it is, although I’m nervous that the attachment could come off, and, without a flared base, would get sucked into the swirling vortex of your butthole). But the name gave us pause (“Why… is it called that?” my partner asked, and to be honest, I do not know and I wish it wasn’t!).
At this point, I’ve used the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator solo, with my partner, and on my partner, and it’s been amazing each time. I especially appreciate the sensation on my clit when I’m pairing it with penetration. I did truly experience some mind-shattering orgasms — that cannot be denied. The product specs say, “Swiss designed and university tested, this isn’t your typical sex toy,” and I would agree and also disagree. After its invention in 1996 (and its rise to sex toy fame, thanks to an endorsement from Dr. Ruth), the Eroscillator was the first toy of its kind to really make the movement it makes (oscillating — moving side to side — with 3600 movements per minute), but I don’t think it’s the only toy of its kind on the market anymore. The Zumio products come to mind immediately (check out our review of those toys, and I even think some of the suction toys on the market today (the Womanizer, and all the toys of its ilk) do similar things re: movement, even though oscillating and sucking are not exactly the same. The main thrust is that the toy is not vibrating, and, as such, it’s not going to numb out the area you’re using it on, and if your body is like mine, it will allow you to tease yourself longer and perhaps squirt because of that. Which is amazing! But I just think while it used to be a groundbreaking toy, it is now one in a line of toys that do similar things. A very beloved elder in that line, to be sure, but not a unique, special sunflower, you know?

I will also say, this toy is not the Hitatchi Magic Wand. That feels silly to say — because, duh, of course it’s not — but it should be noted that the sensation is different from the hard vibrations a Hitatchi provides. This is very cool, and also, sometimes you just want the hard vibrations of your Hitatchi! I masturbated for a few hours with the Eroscillator one night before eventually telling my partner, “Okay, that’s enough teasing — I need to come fucking hard.” And so I grabbed the Hitatchi, and within seconds, I did just that. So if you love vibrations, this might not be the toy for you. And if you already have a Zumio, this might not be the toy for you because it’s similar to what you already have. And! If you care a lot about the aesthetics of your toy or if you’re on a tight budget, this might not be the toy for you because it’s not cute and it’s not cheap.

But if you’ve heard the hype about the Eroscillator and you’re wondering if it’s true? Yeah, it totally is. If money is no object and you want a toy that oscillates and will never die mid-session while rocking your world, the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator is the way to go. You’re welcome.

I Railed My Partner With a Neoprene Thigh Harness While Tribbing Fast Enough to Start a Fire

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Neoprene Thigh Harness by Sportsheets.

When you think of a strap-on harness, you likely think of the kind you wear on your pelvis. I knew there had to be a better option, and so I did some research. That’s when I discovered thigh harnesses. I was immediately intrigued, and I knew the Neoprene Thigh Harness by Sportsheets was the one I had to try.

The Neoprene Thigh Harness looks more like a brace than a sex toy, which threw me for a loop when I first took it out of the box — but it works, and it’s easy to use. With pelvic harnesses, you have to spend more than a few seconds putting it on, and if there are straps, you may have to adjust or readjust them. It can be a real mood killer. With thigh harnesses like this one, you can adjust it in seconds and get back to what you’re doing.

The Neoprene Thigh Harness doesn’t come with its own dildo — you have to supply your own, which should have a flared base to hold it in place. It also only fits dildos up to 1.25″ in diameter. But at $32, this harness is a good price, considering how much use you will likely get out of it.

My biggest complaint is that it’s size restrictive — even though there’s a double velcro strap closure, the Neoprene Thigh Harness only fits thighs up to 22 inches. My thigh hits at the limit, and the velcro straps just made it around. But the harness feels sleek, and despite having velcro on the straps, it didn’t rub uncomfortably against my thigh or my partner’s skin.

I like being able to penetrate my partner using a dildo and a harness, but wearing a typical pelvic harness just isn’t comfortable for me — mainly because I don’t like the way it feels on my body. I can’t adjust the fit of underwear harnesses, and the ones with straps rub or sit in uncomfortable places. I’ve found that wearing a harness on my thigh allows me to easily maneuver the harness to get the best angles. It also gives me more position options.

Penetrating my partner from behind was much easier with the Neoprene Thigh Harness. I was able to strap the thigh harness a little lower to get better leverage, which put less strain on my back (another hazard of wearing a pelvic harness). I was also able to put my legs on either side of hers, which felt more secure. Being able to use my thigh to control the dildo meant that I could change pace and angle with ease. I could also slide my knee under her a bit more, which allowed for deeper penetration. I figured out how to use the ball of my foot to create different angles and how to keep my knee pressed against her clit for maximum pressure and pleasure.

The main reason I’ve been wanting to try a thigh harness is so that I can penetrate my partner while tribbing against her thigh. Usually I use my hand, but we want to be able to switch it up sometimes. It took a couple of tries to find the most optimal position for using the Neoprene Thigh Harness while tribbing. First, I tried strapping it closer to my knee. It kind of worked, but the harness placement felt a little weird — so I quickly switched gears and turned the harness sideways on my thigh. It was SO MUCH BETTER that way— more comfortable for both of us, but especially me. And it allowed for enough movement to get us both off at the same time.

All in all, I can genuinely say that I really enjoyed using this thigh harness and can’t wait to use it again with different dildos and in different positions. Next time, we’ll try having my partner ride the dildo while it’s strapped to my thigh and see if that’s more comfortable for both of us. It may not look sexy, but it certainly doesn’t stop you from having a sexy time.

I Laid an Alien Egg Inside My Girlfriend With the G’lorp, So I Can Officially Say I’ve Tried It All

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the G’lorp, an ovipositor created and sold by Primal Hardwere.

Here’s what you need to know about the G’lorp by Primal Hardwere: This is a very specific toy for Very Specific People — and by “Very Specific People,” I mean, “people whose alien egg-laying fetish is so powerful and all-consuming that they are willing to spend $160+ on a custom-made ovipositor, which requires extensive prep and clean-up before and after each use.” So is it worth it? Well, if you’re one of those Very Specific People, yes.

Now here’s what you need to know about me: My girlfriend and I are merely adjacent to the Very Specific People whose sex lives would be forever changed by the G’lorp, and by “adjacent,” I mean, “down for whatever and deeply into role play.” Occasionally, that role play involves me (an alien) “abducting” my girlfriend (a human) and impregnating her with my alien baby (listen, don’t knock it ’til ya try it). When I learned there are sex toys called ovipositors that allow you to lay “alien eggs” in your host, I had to try one.

Here’s where I fucked up: I opted for the G’lorp — Primal Hardwere’s silicone ovipositor with tentacles attached — and I assumed it would be the same size as the Bork — Primal Hardwere’s silicone ovipositor with an alien ballsack attached. The dimensions for each toy are clearly listed on the website, but reader, I forgot to double-check the dimensions. When my ovipositor arrived in the mail, I discovered that the G’lorp is 12.5 inches long and with a tip that’s over two inches in diameter, making this an ideal toy for Size Queens, Kings, and Monarchs and a not-so-ideal toy for my girlfriend’s particular holes — but we decided to make do with our blue and pink tentacle-adorned monstrosity. A quick note on colors: If you decide to order a G’lorp or Bork of your own, you get to choose any colors you’d like — Primal Hardwere even offers glittery options for glamorous alien fetishists!

Along with my G’lorp, I received two alien egg molds — one for large eggs and one for medium eggs, plus egg-making instructions. I used the medium mold, which creates eggs that are a bit girthier than large chicken eggs you’d buy at the grocery store. To make the eggs, Primal Hardwere recommends sprinkling two ounces of plain gelatin (I used the Knox brand) into one cup of cold water while stirring. Using plain gelatin without dyes or sugar is extremely important, especially for aliens like me who prefer to lay their eggs vaginally, since introducing sugar into the vagina can result in a yeast infection. You let the mixture set until it congeals into one solid mass. Then you heat the gelatin on low, stirring constantly until it dissolves; pour the mixture into the egg mold; and refrigerate the eggs overnight. My eggs turned out like this:

The eggs had a slightly “beefy” smell, which my girlfriend and I could have done without, but otherwise, they were impressively smooth and firm. Primal Hardwere also has a vegan egg recipe available upon request, but according to the company’s instructions, those eggs don’t hold together as well.

This is the part of the review when you’re probably wondering, “Wait, your girlfriend is going to let you shove an egg-shaped ball of gelatin up her snatch?” Yes, reader — that’s exactly what happens next. Please sing my girlfriend’s praises in the comments.

With the eggs prepped and waiting beside the almond milk in our refrigerator, my sweetheart and I planned out our role play scene. I’m not going to tell you pervs everything we did leading up to egg-laying, but here’s a brief overview of our plot: My alien friends and I abduct my girlfriend because she’s an ideal specimen for our human/alien breeding program. We examine her for a while and prepare her body for insertion. Then I impregnate her with my huge, tentacle-covered cock. The end. (We also played spaceship sound effects for “realism”).

It’s technically possible to wear the G’lorp in a harness, but due to its size, weight, and tentacles, wielding this toy is still a hands-on process. I opted to just use my hands for the egg-laying. First, you’re supposed to insert the egg into the ovipositor through the back end of the toy and use a plastic tool to shove it down inside the shaft. I struggled to get the egg in that way and I was getting impatient, so I ended up shoving it in through the “mouth” of the toy instead. Then I inserted the bottom “lip” of the G’lorp’s “mouth” inside my girlfriend’s vagina and squeezed the shaft until the egg disappeared inside her. Squeezing out the egg was actually pretty easy, and I was impressed that the egg maintained its shape (initially, I was worried it would just smoosh against her vaginal opening).

You’re probably more curious about how this all went for the recipient in this situation. According to my girlfriend, she enjoyed the experience…at first. She liked feeling the tentacles brush against her thighs and liked the initial sensation of the egg going in, but once the whole egg was inside, her reaction was something along the lines of, “OUCH IT’S TOO BIG,” so she promptly removed it with her fingers. Had the egg been smaller, she said she probably would have kept it in while we continued doing other alien sex things — in that case, the egg would have slowly dissolved inside her vagina and seeped out onto our towel-covered bed (hot).

If I decide to order Primal Hardwere’s smaller egg mold, then we might use this toy again, but considering all the prep involved, the G’lorp won’t be a staple in our sex life. If you, however, are Very Into Alien Egg-Laying, you probably won’t mind mixing up a batch of gelatin eggs on a regular basis — have fun explaining the contents of your fridge to your houseguests.

How to Shop for Accessible Sex Toys When You Live With Chronic Pain

Pleasure is a basic human need, but people with disabilities and chronic illnesses are often left out of the conversation. I live with chronic pain and a myriad of other issues. I’m also a pleasure educator. I’m a confident person, but even I can admit that chronic pain has impacted my sexual confidence and sexual autonomy. The good news is that living with chronic pain has taught me how to help myself and others achieve pleasure in the most comfortable way(s) possible using accessible sex toys.

For people with disabilities and chronic illnesses, sex toys aren’t always “just” for fun — sometimes they’re necessary tools for getting off (or at least getting off comfortably). Of course, all bodies are different and every person has different needs, but if chronic pain is part of your life, there are some general tips you can keep in mind when you’re shopping for a new sex toy.

Before You Shop: Expand Your Definition of Sex

Sex and pleasure are supposed to look different for everyone, but so many of us get caught up in a heteronormative definition of sex, which focuses heavily on penetration. Exploring kink, sensation play, and erogenous zones; deprioritizing penetrative sex; and incorporating toys can be rewarding, especially for disabled and chronically ill folks.

Figuring out what works for your body and your sexuality is all trial-and-error, but the process can also be fun and hot as hell. It’s easy to become frustrated with our bodies and try to ignore the limitations our chronic pain puts on us. Instead, approach your body, your sexual re-learning, and your sex toy shopping with patience and gentleness. You deserve that.

Look for Easy-to-Press Buttons

Now that you’ve expanded your definition of sex, let’s get into the in’s and out’s of accessible sex toys. If you’re looking for something that vibrates or thrusts, it probably has buttons that control the settings — and sometimes those buttons can be hard to find and press, especially if you experience pain or limited mobility in your hands. Look for a vibrator with large, easy-to-press buttons or opt for one with a dial instead (this is a pretty common feature in battery-operated bullet vibrators like this one).

I’m a fan of BMS Factory, which makes sex toys with buttons that are very easy to press, and you simply hold the button down to turn up the intensity. I also love the Swan Wand, which has a great handle and easy-to-press buttons. When you’re shopping, don’t forget to consider the strength and intensity of the toy, too. The effects of chronic pain can also impact levels of sensitivity in the genitals, so it’s a good idea to choose a toy with a range of speeds — that way, you can experiment with different intensity levels and find what works best for you.

Look for Toys With Long Handles

If you can’t comfortably reach your own erogenous zones or your partner’s erogenous zones, look for toys with long handles. Wands like the Magic Wand are a popular choice, especially since there are a lot of attachments available that allow you to use a wand for penetration or as a stroker (but heads up — the Magic Wand is heavy!). If you’re looking for a toy that offers clit stimulation, you can get external stimulation from a G-spot vibrator like the VeDo Quiver or ROMP Hype, using the shaft in addition to the handle for extra reach. Tantus also makes a few dildos with handles like the Anaconda and the G-Force, which give you a little extra reach for easier penetration. If you want to use a vibrating butt plug and can’t reach around to adjust the settings, opt for a remote-control option like the b-Vibe Rimming Plug.

Look for Toys That Are Lightweight and Easy to Grip

If you have chronic pain or limited mobility in your hands or wrists, it can be tough to hold onto a vibrator when you’re using it on yourself or on a partner. Look for a vibrator with a loop handle, like Fun Factory toys, or try a finger fin like the Blush Wellness Palm Sense or VeDo Yumi — those two are designed to rest comfortably between two fingers with no gripping or heavy lifting necessary. You can also opt for a toy that straps to your fingers, like the Evolved Frisky Finger (there’s no holding or gripping necessary for this one, either!). If you’re shopping in-store, make sure to check the weight of any toy before you buy it to make sure it’s sustainable for you to be hold, as some sex toys are surprisingly heavy! Some online shops and sex toy manufacturers list the weights of toys of their websites, too. If you can’t get the information you need, check out online reviews or contact the company’s customer service.

Opt for a Hands-Free Toy

If using hands is not an option or if it’s just really uncomfortable, then look for a hands-free toy or toy mount that you can use for masturbation. If masturbating in the bath sounds nice, the WaterSlyde might be the right choice for you. This plastic “slide” ties onto the faucet of the bathtub to focus water pressure right where you need it. Do you want to mount a dildo or vibrator that’s too heavy for you to hold? Try the Liberator Tula, a soft but sturdy positioning pillow with pockets for mounting vibrators and dildos.

If you know you like grinding against a pillow or a partner’s thigh, try a vibrating grinding pad, which can offer a little more stimulation. Toys like the Lust, the Ruby Glow, and the VibePad only need to be placed on a surface that the user can access — then you can hump away!

The Hot Octopuss Pulse is a unique penis vibrator that can be used even while flaccid. It holds the penis while thumping against the most sensitive part, the frenulum. This one isn’t totally hands-free, as might need to be held in place, but this toy makes it possible to orgasm without any stroking or thrusting.

There are many hands-free butt plugs and prostate stimulators, but Aneros makes some of the most popular and well-reviewed options. You can move these massagers against your prostate by simply flexing and relaxing your sphincter muscles while the toy is inside you — no hands, thrusting, or angling needed.

Use a Positioning Aid

If you have back, hip, or pelvic pain, the standard missionary position is likely going to be uncomfortable. Placing positioning pillows, like the firm-but-still-comfy Liberator pillows, under your hips or back can help alleviate pressure and better align your pelvis to receive penetration, if that’s your goal. Positioning pillows can also help you feel more comfortable or more easily access your genitals during solo play, too. Sex straps can also help make thrusting easier and safer, especially if you or your partner have back or hip injuries (just make sure the person holding the straps is comfortable using a little upper body strength). The Doggie Style Strap can give you or your partner extra leverage (there’s also a longer, plus-size version). A sex positioning chair like this one can also be helpful. With its sturdy metal frame, handles, and elastic straps that help you bounce, a positioning chair allows you use less energy and focus more on pleasure and less on strain

Strap It Anywhere

Did you know you can strap a dildo to pretty much any body part? Non-pelvic harnesses, such as thigh harnesses, boot harnesses, and chin harnesses, can help expand options for penetrative sex without having to worry about thrusting hips. Just put a dildo in it, strap it on, and let your partner ride it.

Prevent Painful Penetration

People who suffer from endometriosis often experience pain with deeper penetration. If that’s you, you might benefit from a depth-limiting toy, like the OhNut, which can go around the base of your partner’s penis or around the base of your favorite vibrator or dildo. Glass and stainless steel toys can also be helpful because they’re easily cooled, and a for some bodies, a chilled toy can bring relief to an inflamed pelvis. On the flip side, if you deal with tense muscles, warming the toy by running it under warm water may help relax your pelvic floor. And if you want to experience penetration but can’t comfortably handle much girth due to pelvic pain or tight pelvic floor muscles, seek out an extra slim dildo or a dilator set like this one. You can use one of the smaller dilators the same way you would use any other dildo. And don’t forget to use lots of lube!

Further Reading

Check out The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness by Cory Silverberg, Fran Odette, and Miriam Kaufman. This book provides encouragement, support, and expert information on sex positions, sexual pleasure, and sex toys. It also features illustrations, a resource guide with hundreds of books, websites, and organizations. You can also check out A Quick & Easy Guide to Sex & Disability, which was written and illustrated by Autostraddle writer A. Andrews.

Go Forth and Experiment!

Remember: Everyone person with chronic pain has their own individual needs. Listen to your body, listen to your desires, and figure out how to connect the two. Sex and masturbation are inherently different for everybody! It’s all about figuring out how to make it the most pleasurable experience for you.

The Le Wand XO Is Chic, Elegant, and Capable of Blasting Your Bits Into Bits

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Le Wand XO, a dual-stimulation vibrator available at Babeland.

The first vibrator I ever owned cost $20. I got it from my college’s on-campus sexual health counseling center. Previously, I’d only stopped by to get my quarterly allotment of free condoms before visiting my long distance boyfriend freshman year (we tried a glow-in-the-dark one that I will truly never forget). By junior year, I was feeling a little bolder. I was ready to get off without using just my hand, which is what I’d been doing for the entirety of my undergrad experience. I was ready for a vibrator.

It was dual-stimulation vibrator with a butterfly-shaped external vibe, and it was made of pink jelly elastomer. I remember being mortified that this was the only option available to me; it looked like a cheap, silly party favor — not something fitting for a newly-minted, masturbating adult. The first time I used it, I came harder than I ever had in my life, and I immediately regretted every dismissive thought I’d had about that thing, which I used for about three more years (honestly impressive, considering it ran on replaceable AAA batteries).

Recently, my orgasms have noticeably decreased in strength, and that’s been bumming me out! The cause remains unknown, so I’ve been curious about whether the shape of that first vibrator was more responsible for those first intense orgasms than I understood. It’s with this mindset that I tried out the Le Wand XO, a rechargeable, silicone, dual-stimulation vibrator.

I love that this toy feels like a sleek, adult upgrade of my first vibrator. The pink color has been replaced by a sleek black (although the toy is also available in two different pink shades), the squishy jelly updated to smooth silicone, and the butterfly shape pared down to a tasteful curved (but ribbed!) arm. It’s like the apartment you always dream you’ll have one day as a kid: modern, chic, elegant.

The toys patterns and strengths are great, too, especially now that I know the right words to describe and appreciate those sorts of things. There are 15 different vibrations and six different intensities, which impressed me, as I’m used to, like, four or five intensity variations on a toy. The vibrations are really rumbly and deep, and the toy is pretty quiet (a must when you live with roommates — I may be an adult now, but I’m not, like, rich).

The insertable arm is long and has a great curve to it, and the toy can be flipped around to stimulate areas other than just the G-spot and clitoris. The head of the insertable arm is also a pretty solid size. I don’t consider myself a size queen by any means, but my least favorite part of this toy is that the insertable arm is tapered and gets pretty thin near the base of the toy. If the toy were the exact same thickness from tip to base, I think it could have rocked my world, but once it was inside me, I definitely craved a fuller feeling. My pink toy from eons ago was definitely heftier than this one, and I remembered that fondly when I used the Le Wand XO.

Ultimately, the Le Wand XO won’t be my grown-up answer to the toy that introduced me to the wonderful world of masturbation. Maybe no toy can live up to that memory! But for a reliable if not astonishing dual-stimulation toy, the Le Wand XO is a decent option. So maybe it’s not the vibrator equivalent of a chic home for an adult with, like, a salary (or whatever “real” grown-ups have) — maybe it’s the vibrator equivalent of an apartment inhabited by a twenty-something on the cusp of their full maturity. Who among us hasn’t been there?

The Iroha Plus Tori Looks Less Like A Sex Toy and More Like a Woodland Grub (But It Still Got Me Off)

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Iroha Plus Tori by Tenga, which you can purchase through Babeland.

Right out of the box, I have to say it: The Iroha Plus Tori is cute. The product’s website says it’s “shaped like a bird,” but when it’s perched on its clever charging base with the clear dust cover snapped over it, it looks more like a sweet little woodland grub in a terrarium (although its unfortunate deep red color led a friend to call it “a hunk of liver”). Because of its unique shape, this is the kind of sex toy you can display on a bookshelf or on top of a dresser without worrying too much about who might see it.

When I picked it up, I realized the Tori is also a very soft toy. This is my first vibe that’s had a squishy texture beneath its smooth silicone, which the company calls “Soft-Touch.” It feels delightful in my hands, but the fine surface creases running the length of the silicone, which seem to be purely cosmetic, make the Tori slightly harder to clean after use.

The Tori is curved with buttons that are easily accessed on its underside. The vibration is strong, although it’s not quite as rumbly or deep as the vibration of larger toys. And while the vibration seems to be slightly stronger in the longest of the protruding tips (the “head” of the bird), I can still feel it throughout the body of the toy.
When the Iroha Plus Tori arrived, I’d had a busy few weeks, so let’s just say I was eager to test out this cute lil’ guy. Because of the toy’s ambiguous shape, I wasn’t immediately clear on how to use it. For my first try, I opted to press the whole body of the toy up against my vulva, avoiding direct clitoral stimulation, which can sometimes be too intense for me. The Tori was a great shape for this — I could easily access its two simple buttons to play with the five strength levels and vibration patterns (although the patterns only seem to be available at full-strength vibration) and use my hand to rhythmically shift how firmly the toy was pressing against me. First use was a very rousing success!

Later, I learned that the Tori is waterproof, and Tenga’s website suggests that the elongated tip be used for insertion. Bath time, however, was pretty much a failure. While there can occasionally be a benefit to some very light penetration, attempting penetration with the tip of this toy felt like…well, if I knew my tools better, I’d have a metaphor for you, but it felt like the wrong tool for the job. With the tip of the toy inserted, I couldn’t quite reach my clit with the toy’s body, which would’ve made insertion a more satisfying experience. I switched over to using the tip for direct clitoral stimulation, which proved to be more effective, although not as satisfying as the more rumbly vibes I own.

While the Iroha Plus Tori is very cute and has a beautifully designed charging case, at a price point of $138, I just can’t quite say it’s worth it. I wanted to love this toy; instead, it will take its place next to the other toys I’ve owned with vibration that’s just a little too buzzy. But if you like toys that are on the smaller side, if you want a quality vibe for traveling with, or if you want something you can display proudly in your bedroom without anyone raising an eyebrow, this might be the toy for you!

“Her Ultimate Pleasure” Turned Me Into a Bratty Bottom

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing Her Ultimate Pleasure, a versatile sex toy that offers vibration, suction, AND tongue-flicking.

Her Ultimate Pleasure reminded me how much I love oral sex. I’m not partnered and don’t come across many opportunities for sex with another human, and my solo sex life typically involves vibrators. I’m usually pretty skeptical when it comes to toys that advertise some sort of “oral sex” feature, but Her Ultimate Pleasure has received so many raving reviews — so I decided to expand my repertoire. I figured while I wait for the lover of my dreams, I should begin a relationship with an automatic tongue.

As a serious judge and skeptic of “gimmicky” toys, let me be the first to tell you that this thingworks, even thoughthe USB-rechargeable contraption might look a little strange. A removable cup encases a moving, silicone, tongue-like object on one end. The shaft of the toy doubles as a vibrator on the other end, which can also be used for penetration. The operating buttons are in the middle.

I’m not big on reading directions when it comes to toys, so I figured I would use Her Ultimate Pleasure in a trail-by-error fashion. Operating the vibrating dildo side seemed pretty self-explanatory, but the cup/tongue situation took a hot sec. You can use the moving tongue by itself or you can choose one of two suction cups, which you can connect around it for an additional sucking feeling. You’re supposed to twist the suction attachment until it snaps into place, but as an excited and impatient masturbator, this wasn’t the easiest thing to do. I also ended up having to read the directions after all so I could understand the buttons — Her Ultimate Pleasure has three different functions, but the buttons are only marked with arrows, which wasn’t too helpful.

Once I located the suction button, I tried the suction function first. Let’s start with the cons: 1)Even though I’m pretty sure Her Ultimate Pleasure provides suctions in a pattern, I still can’t quite figure out what that pattern is, 2) The cups are a little uncomfy, and 3) The two sizes offered seem limited. One of the cups is a bit bigger and more oval-shaped to cover most of the vulva. The other cup is a true circle, which really doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. My clit is deeply tucked-in, so I had to really dig the cup up into my vulva in order to feel the effects. While the outcome was amazing, I definitely felt a little bruised after it was all over. I think this issue could be resolved by including additional cup sizes, but I understand it wouldn’t be realistic for the company to provide 30 different versions. I found the circular cup to be pretty useless, but perhaps that shape just doesn’t work for my specific anatomy.

That said, the suction function definitely had some redeeming qualities. I figured out that the main pattern of suction starts slow and then grows stronger and faster, but it takes a good five to ten minutes to reach the maximum strength. For some people, this is probably an ideal timeline, but again — I’m impatient! This gradual teasing temporarily turned me into a bratty bottom, which I truly could not believe. I quickly became obsessed. Additionally, the lighter suction felt pretty realistic, so it was easy to image that someone was actually going down on me. The strongest suction level was intense. When I eventually had one of the best orgasms of my life (!!!), I felt like something inside me had been rearranged. When I looked in the mirror, I could see that my clit was enlarged and slightly hanging down. I have NEVER seen my body react this way. My clit kind of looked like a small penis, which was pretty hot.

The tongue feature, which you can use with or without a suction cup, is truly incredible. The speeds and patterns are similar to how a vibrator functions, so using the tongue is pretty intuitive if you’ve used a multi-speed vibrator before. On the most basic flicking setting, the tongue really felt like oral sex, especially with the suction cup. Sometimes I had trouble positioning the tongue with the cup around it to get the perfect angle, but using the tongue without the suction feature was easy and felt super realistic.

I don’t have much to say about the dildo/ vibrator portion of Her Ultimate Pleasure, because it’s pretty standard. It might be fun to experiment with using both sides with another person, but unfortunately for you and for me, I can’t provide that insight right now.

Overall, I give Her Ultimate Pleasure 4/5 stars, only because of the limitations of the suction cup. Otherwise, the blissful orgasmic pleasure it gave me was off the charts.

An Obituary for My Departed Vibrators

I started using vibrators when I was a man. You know, before I figured out that being a man was a terrible idea for my mental health. In the years since, they’ve always been a reliable part of my sexual repertoire. It’s only a pity that their made-by-the-lowest-bidder lives are so brief. Oh, sweet mayflies of plastic and D cells, what did we do to deserve such loss? No matter the cause, the loss of a good vibrator is a sad affair. Here are some of mine — though pseudonyms have been used to protect the privacy of the deceased.

Big Pink: 2016-2018

Big Pink died in 2018 in her home after a short battle with a tiled floor. She died carrying out her life’s work.

You were my foray into battery facilitated masturbation. I was a confused young man exploring my sexuality and relieving my wrist of exhaustion in equal measure. You didn’t judge me for my interests the way my peers would have. To be honest, you didn’t do much of anything until batteries were installed.

Finding you by chance was a lucky stroke (hah!). I embarked on this pleasurable endeavor without any preference for size, color, or shape. Yet by the end of the first battery replacement, I was hooked on the rumbly sensation. Strong and steadfast. I was dismayed to learn how expensive batteries got when I let go, but the price was worth it. You carried me through stressful undergraduate years and my dawning queerness. I am forever appreciative.

One day in the afterglow, I forgot that vibrators continue buzzing even after the user is finished. I set you down on my desk and after a short horizontal adventure, you became one with the floor. I’m sure you weren’t the worst thing the recycling worker ever saw.

Buzzsaw: 2018-2018

Our kind friend Buzzsaw passed away in a tragic accident and is survived by his sister, Purple Friend.

Your life was short as it was intense, you hard-cased demon-thing. With the success of Big Pink, you became the second addition to the repertoire. Through you, I learned what a buzzy toy felt like. I respected your talents, but you were always meant for others. An impatient, insistent thing. Like a woodpecker.

You greatest contribution to my sex life was your service to others. I brought home partners (mainly women), and they were a little surprised to find a man who owned a vibrator. You assured them of my personal security almost as much as the closed bin in my bathroom did. A life lived in service to others is a worthy one — you were present when my anatomy was not. Fewer and fewer people left my place dissatisfied.

Your stubbornness was impressive. I dropped you and cracked your base, but you remained headstrong. Unfortunately, the drop compromised your waterproofing. The obituary says tragic accident, but it was a negligent drowning. The regret is mine alone to bear.

Purple Friend: 2018-2020

The loss of Purple Friend is keenly felt by her owners who are left bereft in the aftermath of her passing.

You joined our relationship before I transitioned, and departed shortly after I realized the truth of myself. This couple had a strange sense of humor and named you after the hue of your plastic casing. You joined us in a time of change. My first vibrator as a young trans woman, and my first vibrator jointly purchased with my girlfriend.

We reminisce on hours of fun. Relaxed enjoyment whenever one of us wasn’t in the mood for exertion. Smuggled into the shower to supplement a happy relationship. You even traveled with us. We still laugh about the time something in her tightly packed suitcase switched you on, and you buzzed quietly in a car trunk for an hour. She rolls her eyes, hoping the driver didn’t notice that her luggage was vibrating when it was being unloaded.

I will always be saddened by your loss, but I smile smugly too. For once, I wasn’t responsible for a toy’s demise. You were drying on the bathroom shelf and she reached over. You tipped. The toilet seat gave you a good crack, and the floor finished the job. Lessons learned.

Onward

This isn’t even a complete list of the fallen. In between major life events, there were less significant toys and even total duds. Maybe someday, their stories will be heard too. Today, we remember our loyal electronic friends. May they accompany us in singledom and love; alone and with friends; in stress and joy. May we celebrate their too-short lives and the joy they bring to us.

When There Simply Isn’t a Face for You to Sit On, the Ora 3 Will Definitely Do

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Ora 3 by Lelo.

I usually masturbate without vibrating toys, because my clit is super sensitive and my favorite place to get off is against my own hand. I also like for it to take forever to reach my first orgasm, because being very wet and very horny is a GIFT, and vibrating toys tend to speed up the process too much, so I’ve kind of naturally divided my masturbating sessions into hands/ tribbing (meaning I’ve got that kind of time) and vibrating toys (meaning I actually don’t have the time, but I also can’t focus on anything but my clit). It feels important to share with you that my second favorite place to get off is against someone else’s mouth, because it’s warm and soft and looks cute between my legs — and also, it takes some time! Obviously, there isn’t always a face nearby to sit on, which is lowkey tragic, and even though I manage to persevere through these difficult circumstances, lately I’ve been wondering if there might be a solution in the form of a sex toy — something that would do all the thinking for me and wouldn’t have anything better to do than stay buried between my thighs for around an hour.

This originally led me to the Aer, which turned out to be the opposite of what I needed in every single way. That toy’s good if you have around 30 seconds to spare and feel like you might start humping a coffee table if you don’t get off ASAP — whereas I was wanting a vibrating toy that could get me there slowly, almost lazily, and if it happened to also have the capacity to work well on a deadline, even better.

The Ora 3 by Lelo is that toy.

With a rounded node that acts as a tongue roaming rhythmically under a layer of soft silicone, the Ora 3 is meant to mimic oral sex, if the mouth you were fucking could also vibrate. This is not a quiet toy, unfortunately, and because the vibration and movement patterns are simultaneous and all over the place, there’s no way in hell that someone within earshot will be able to mistake those mechanical sounds for anything other than a sex toy!

There are 12 motion settings — 10 movement patterns that include varying vibration patterns, and two that don’t — and the usual speed/ intensity settings you find on most vibrators. The tongue can go left to right, in a circle, up and down at an angle on either side, and in semi-circles. The default speed of these movements is similar to receiving extremely confident oral sex from someone who knows they’ll get you there eventually and isn’t in any hurry to make it happen. In other words, my personal dream.

Here’s how I used it:

Against My Bare Clit With Lubrication

Obviously, this slippery setup is the ideal way to use the toy. The silicone is super soft, and with the tongue positioned against the clit as directed, the vibrations also reached my labia, like a big vibey hug for my whole unit. I used just the tongue movement without a vibration pattern for the first orgasm and then shuffled through the other motion/ vibration settings for all the rest of them (and there were many). Since I wasn’t familiar with the order of patterns I was cycling through, each one was like a brand new one-night stand. This was especially true for the setting that can only be described as Chaos Mode, where I couldn’t discern a pattern to any of the movements or vibrations, which my girlfriend nicknamed the Straight Man setting, and I cannot argue with this assessment. However! Not to defend straight men because I would never, but this was when the toy best mimicked the kind of indulgent, time-eschewing oral sex that I was looking for, and it was a good buildup to the more discernible patterns, aka The Finishers. 10/10

Against My Underwear Without Lubrication

Truly, I can’t overstate how sensitive my clit can be — I can have a touch-free orgasm that only involves me pulsing my clit for a few minutes while I play with my tits, which, sure, is a neat party trick, but generally speaking it can be a bit much! — so sometimes it feels better to have a barrier between my clit and the friction. This method was less like oral sex and more like being furtively groped in a break room by a very goal-oriented fuckbuddy, which is to say: I loved it.

In the Shower

Of course this was going to be a winning situation, but when using this toy in a standing position, the real MVP is the handle. The Ora 3 has a grasp that makes switching patterns and intensities intuitive and simple.

In the Bath

Again, a no-brainer and my compliments to the chef.

The One Minute Challenge

This was dry against my bare clit with absolutely no time to spare, and after finally cycling through the tongue patterns to find the one that most resembled a standard, no-frills vibrator, the Ora 3 proved she could get me in and out quickly, like that efficient phlebotomist who remembers you prefer the butterfly needle and doesn’t make you ask for it (thanks, Connie!).

The WaterSlyde Aquatic Stimulator Will Never, Ever Compare to My First Love — a Pool Jet

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the WaterSlyde Aquatic Stimulator by Lovability.

Okay, here’s the deal. This toy — the WaterSlyde Aquatic Stimulator — is Not Good. Unfortunately, I would go so far as to say it’s…Bad.

I love masturbating in the bathtub. I’ve been doing it since I was a preteen. I was one of those girls who had an orgasm for the first time up against the jet of a swimming pool, and I spent many, many years chasing that high anytime I saw an opportunity to get some rushing water up against my clit. What I’m trying to say is: I’m into the concept of this toy! I wanted to love this toy! But I could not, because it’s poorly designed and doesn’t do its one job.

The WaterSlyde is supposed to attach to your bathroom tub faucet and make it easier to masturbate using the stream of water that you generally use to fill up the tub. The toy boasts “water delivered right to your vulva — no more scooching or bathtub yoga” and “hands-free” — lay back, let the water to the rest (disability friendly).” If those claims were accurate, I’d say this toy, which doesn’t require batteries and relies on plain ol’ H2O and gravity to function, would be a winner. But I cannot emphasize enough how the water was not delivered right to my vulva and how I could not simply lie back and enjoy this toy.

The WaterSlyde is a simple piece of plastic (mine was pink — ideal) with a ribbon on one end. I didn’t even glance at any instructions, because setting up the toy is extremely intuitive — you take the toy, position it around your faucet, and tie the ribbon in a bow to hold it in place. I hopped in the empty tub right away to enjoy the water cascading down the toy (I still had high hopes at that point, you see) even though I usually wait for the tub to fill up before stepping in. I was a little chilly, but that was okay — I was about to masturbate! I can give up some comfortable body temp if it means welcoming another orgasm-by-water into my life. I got on my back, positioned myself with my knees up, and leaned my head back against my bath pillow.

But as soon as I positioned myself I saw the major flaw in design. The water was carried a distance away from the faucet, yes, but that distance was…absolutely nowhere near my pussy. I’m pretty short and fat, so I immediately wondered if I was the problem. If I had a longer torso, would the water reach me? If I had less fat around my thighs, would my vulva be more accessible to the water stream? Then I got annoyed at myself for assuming I was the problem, rather than the product, and then I got annoyed at the manufacturer for creating something essentially useless.
I’m nothing if not determined though, and I was really looking forward to my bathtime masturbation session (my girlfriend had taken to saying I was going to go “masturbath”), so I kept trying. First, I shimmied my body down closer to the faucet, rolling my eyes at the instructions that promised I would never have to do this again. Then the water reached my vulva, but I wouldn’t really call the sensation “stimulating.” I adjusted the faucet so the flow of water was less powerful — nothing. I adjusted my labia with one hand while leaning on the other elbow to try to allow the water more access to my clit — nothing. I adjusted the faucet back to a heavier stream and then held my labia lips open again — nothing. I put my left leg up on the edge of the bathtub, held my labia open, and kind of bucked my hips up a bit, almost causing myself to slip and slide underwater — no…okay, okay, that felt pretty good. That hit the spot. But honestly, after all that trouble, why not just skip the WaterSlyde and put my whole ass against the side of the tub, propping myself up with my elbows — legs in the air, pussy close to the faucet — and orgasm as I’ve done for years and years and years over the course of my one wild and precious life? It genuinely would’ve been easier to do that than it would’ve been to try to get the WaterSlyde to do anything positive to my body.

(I want to note that I did also get on all fours, doggy style, because I am A Serious Journalist when it comes to reviewing sex toys, and that felt fine, but it was more like I was cleaning my asshole than anything else, and if that’s your goal, I’d really just invest in a bidet. Anyway.)

When my girlfriend came upstairs to ask about my masturbath experience, I had to tell her dejectedly that it didn’t work out. “I would call what I just did masturbating as much as I’d call it light bathtub aerobics,” I said. She laughed and told me to write that sentence down for the review, so I did. Then I insisted she try out the WaterSlyde because she’s taller than me and thinner than me, and I thought maybe she’d report back that with a different body shape, the toy worked after all. But nope! She got done with her bath and said she’d also had to scooch down to get the water to even touch her, though she did confirm my suspicion that it was easier for the water to get in contact with her vulva in a hands-free way because she has less fat in that area. She said that even once the water was hitting her pussy, she didn’t experience much pleasure from it, though for the sake of Honesty and Journalism, I pressed her and discovered that she’s never been someone who particularly enjoys getting off in the bathtub and was not one of those girls who had her first orgasm gyrating up against a stream of running water, so I do encourage you to take her perspective with a grain of salt.

Anyway, after all that, we untied the toy from our faucet, and I do not see a world where we ever use it again. We went to the bedroom and fucked each other for a while without any WaterSlyde assists and then we went to sleep. The end.

8 Clit-Stimulating Sex Toys That Don’t Actually Look Like Sex Toys

Sex toys have blossomed.

There’s room in your bedside drawer for adventure. You don’t have to throw the classics out the window (although that would probably give a passerby an unforgettable story), but you might want to consider some new, weird and wild shapes. Here are eight, clit-stimulating toys that will add some fun and color to your solo and partnered sex life.

The Rose ($59.99)

Let’s start with a tale as old as time. The Rose feels a bit vintage, sweet and not so out-of-the-box. With ten speeds and a velvety rose petal exterior, this clit-focused suction toy provides an easy entry into the world of fun sex toy shapes. Roses don’t have to be a euphemism to feel just right.

DucKing ($39.99)

You’ll take to this toy like a duck takes to water! It’s another suction product, but this one has a key difference: there’s an added flicking and vibrating function for extra intense clit stimulation. This toy looks like a duck with its tongue sticking out, so it’s a little eccentric — but it’s bound to make some users quack.

The Firefighter ($60)

Want a date with a hot queer firefighter? This somewhat tongue-shaped external vibrator can handle some heat. With four speeds and two pulsation modes, this toy doesn’t offer much variety. But the vibrations are described as “deep and rumbly,” so that should do the trick.

Iroha + Kushi ($110)

This seashell-shaped beauty is submersible, so don your best merfolk outfit and set the playlist to something wet and sexy. The Iroha + Kushi external vibrator features a number of ridges for those who like extra texture. It’s expensive, but at least it’s handsome. One reviewer even said, “I do keep it displayed in my room next to a fake greek bust, lmao.” This toy is perfect for those who want sex toys that are artistic, sculptural and not gendered.

Pleasure No. 1 — The Seed ($174)

The shape of this external vibrator is similar to a fortune cookie, but it’s actually inspired by the company’s namesake. The Seed is a product of Coco de Mer, a sex toy company named after a type of palm tree. Its seeds look like a booty on one side and a belly and thighs on the other. Need I remind you those are all erogenous zones? With ten vibration settings and two motors, this toy can provide intense stimulation on or around a clit.

The Flower Power (on sale for $18.49)

The Flower Power proves that flowers can be robust and powerful! With its nine play functions, the Flower Power’s buzzing is more intense than others on the list, and you can use the edges of three petals for pin-pointed nipple or clit stimulation.

Snail Vibe ($150)

This dual-action vibrator will inspire happy snail trails. It’s bigger than you’d expect, and while there are many other toys that target multiple erogenous zones, this one’s unique. You gotta see it in action. As you insert the long end inside a vagina, the curled “snail” part rolls and unrolls while it provides vibration and pleasure against the clit.

Starsi ($79)

We end the list with a self-proclaimed “Cute Little Fucker” that just wants to be your friend. This curved, smiling external vibrator is designed specifically for inclusivity. The creator wants you to know that you can rock out with your new alien pal in all sorts of ways. If you’re into backstory, you can read all about where Starsi came from and who Starsi’s dating. Since each of the little arms vibrate at different rates, your curiosity will be generously rewarded.

If My Clit Were Lost in the Woods, the Aer Would Still Find It

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Aer, a suction sex toy by Dame Products.

As an avid masturbator who used to buy my plastic, battery-operated bullet vibes at Spencer’s, I love trying new and improved sex toys — and suction (or “air pressure”) is one of my favorite advances in sex toy technology. If you’re looking for a clit-focused toy that mimics the sensations of oral sex, this category of clit-suckers deserves your attention.

The Aer is a rechargeable, silicone suction toy by Dame, “your women-powered source for products for pleasure, designed to nourish sexual wellness and deepen connections.” I’ve tried a number of other air pressure toys — including the Satisfyer Pro 2, the We-Vibe Melt and the lamentably-named Womanizer Premium. Here’s how the Aer compares to similar sex toys on the market:

Pros

1. The whole toy is made of medical grade silicone.

Unlike some other suction toys, which typically have a silicone head and a plastic handle, the Aer is all silicone, all over. This makes the body of the toy easier to clean, since aren’t any grooves in the handle where lube, body fluids and hair can get stuck.

2. It’s lightweight.

If you like intense clit stimulation but have trouble maneuvering a heavy wand, the Aer might be the perfect pleasure tool for you. For me, the handle was easy to grip. I was also able to use the Aer hands-free by sliding it into a tight pair of boxer briefs.

3. It’s waterproof (sort of).

The Aer has a magnetic charger, so you don’t have to worry about destroying a charging port if you happen to squirt like Old Faithful. That said, it’s probably not a good idea to get lots of liquid inside the mouth of the toy, so don’t bring this one into the bathtub.

4. It has a flexible mouth.

According to Dame’s website, the Aer’s mouth can stretch between 0.5″ x 0.8″, so the toy can accommodate clits of multiple sizes. To test the Aer’s flexibility, I inserted a tube a chapstick into the toy’s mouth. It fit, but it was a tight squeeze, so keep this in mind if you have a girthier clit.

5. The suction doesn’t get too intense.

This is a pro for me — I have a hyper-sensitive clit and prefer gentle clitoral stimulation — but it might be a con for you if your clit craves a true, air pressure pounding.

Cons:

1. The mouth of the toy is hard to clean.

While the silicone body of this toy allows for easy clean-up, the mouth is another story. Most other suction sex toys I’ve tried have removable mouth pieces, which makes them easy to wash and dry. The Aer is all one piece, so washing the toy without getting water inside it is a challenge.

2. It doesn’t have many settings.

The Aer has five different pulsation patterns and five different intensities. That’s plenty of variety for me, but in comparison to other suction toys on the market, the Aer falls a bit short.

3. It’s loud!

In my experience, this is true for most suction toys. I don’t mind the volume since I live alone, but if you’re worried about disturbing other household members, you might want to opt for a quiet vibrator instead.

Overall, I liked the Aer, and for me, its pros outweigh its cons. I love sensations this toy provides, and I’ll probably continue using it. Check out Dame online to see the other toys this company has to offer.

Lorals Latex Underwear Gave Me Minimal Pleasure and Maximal Wedgies

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re mixing it up — we’re reviewing Lorals latex underwear.

Lorals are single-use latex undies. Their latest version — Lorals for Protection — are FDA-approved to protect against STI transmission. I tried the company’s original product — Lorals for Pleasure/Comfort — which are supposed to enhance sexual pleasure. I tried Lorals alone and with a partner so I could give a thorough user experience report. Let’s start with my masturbation experience.

Solo Play

Lorals sent me a pair of each of their styles — the brief and the bikini. I decided to use the brief for solo play since, as a bigger person, briefs tend to roll up, give me a wedgie or cause serious chafing, and I’d rather deal with that by myself than with a partner. Lorals are “one size fits all,” with the caveat that they will “fit people with a waist and hip sizes 26″-51″, which corresponds to US women’s sizes 0 to 20.” Given those constraints, the Lorals briefs should have fit me comfortably, but I felt like I could have used a size bigger. This was the first major red flag for me: Lorals are not size-inclusive, although their FAQ page says they’ll expand their sizing options in the future.

The panties come folded up in a package that’s slightly bigger than a credit card. Because the latex is super thin and slightly sticky, I had to be extremely careful not to rip the undies apart as I peeled back all of the folded corners. The directions instruct you to use the back of your hands to stretch the undies apart at the hips and step into them, but let me tell you, this is MUCH easier said than done. It took some significant arm strength to keep the latex stretched wide enough to fit over my thighs without ripping. Once I had the briefs on, I was disappointed to see that the latex automatically rolled under my stomach, which made the waistband pretty tight. And as the latex was rolling in on itself, it took any hair on my body with it, so I got the bikini wax I never asked for.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, I guess wearing Lorals had some effect? The company suggests pulling the panties in and up like a thong so that they create more pressure along your clit, labia and perineum. To me, this didn’t feel any different from wearing an actual thong. If I wanted that sensation, I could have just kept my actual underwear on. On a positive note, unlike regular underwear, the Lorals panties contained a little sweat and a small amount of fluid, which kept my sheets slightly more dry than usual (although I certainly wouldn’t trust them with my period).

Lorals underwear smells like clean vanilla. Personally, the scent threw me off, but I could see how Lorals would be a great option for people who are bothered by the smells associated with oral play. Additionally, Lorals would probably be helpful for people who experience genital dysphoria during masturbation or sex, since the undies cover up the genital area.

When I eventually finished up, I didn’t feel like the latex had contributed to my experience any more than regular underwear would. At that point, I rated Lorals at 6/10, but after I removed the undies, my rating quickly dropped to a solid 4. As someone with thick hair all over my body, I was anticipating a little bit of discomfort, but not the pain of a full wax. It didn’t take out all of my vag hair, but it certainly pulled out anything it caught as it was bunching up and rolling off my body.

Partner Play

Using the bikini-style Lorals with a partner was awkward and dysfunctional. I suppose having these panties on before getting into it would probably make for a smoother experience. When I used them, it was more or less impromptu, which meant that shortly after this person went down on me, I asked if I could whip out the Lorals to test them out. It probably took me a good five minutes to delicately separate the panties so that I could get them on, which was fine when I was by myself, but it kinda killed the mood when I was in the middle of a steamy play party moment. I certainly didn’t feel sexy, but I was hoping maybe the pleasure of using these for oral stimulation would be well worth it.

Well, it wasn’t. I was fucked a few different ways, and each time these panties just got in the way. I would have rather taken them off to get the full experience of a tongue or fingers, but instead my partner kept wanting to push it to the side. I thought about how the FDA-approved Lorals for Protection are the same size and shape as the Lorals for Pleasure/Comfort I was wearing. It’s a good thing I wasn’t worried about STI protection during this experience, because the latex simply rolled up into itself anytime either one of us moved. My partner could fully stick their tongue inside, up and around me. Ideally, Lorals are supposed to act like a dental dam, but it was more like hoping a super thin G-string thong was going to protect me. The company advertises that Lorals are less awkward and more user friendly than a dental dam, but I beg to differ. I honestly think a dental dam would have provided more coverage and protection than these latex underwear.

I gave Lorals one last shot when I put on a strap on and used it with my partner. I didn’t notice any additional sexual pleasure. I forgot I had them on until we were putting our clothes back on and I wondered why my ass felt so uncomfortable. They had quite literally bunched into my vulva and asshole so much so that it took work to get it out, which also did not add to the sexiness of the moment.

My overall rating is a 3/10. I’m giving Lorals three points because I can see how someone who struggles with dysphoria might find them helpful. Otherwise, I don’t recommend them.

I Tried Foria’s CBD Intimacy Melts and Achieved My Size Queen Dreams

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re mixing it up — we’re reviewing CBD Intimacy Melts by Foria.

I’ve used CBD oil to ease my insomnia. I’ve chugged CBD seltzers to help me unwind. I’ve rubbed CBD lotion into stiff muscles and aching joints. So it should come as no surprise that I am now a person who shoves CBD up my vagina.

How did I get here? I have a connective tissue disease that causes joint hypermobility, especially in my hips. This means my pelvic floor muscles have to work overtime to keep my hips in their sockets, and an overworked pelvic floor = a very tight vagina. And I don’t mean porn-star-tight — I mean clenched-fist, no-entry zone, how-the-hell-do-I-get-this-menstrual-cup-in-there tight. At least that’s how it used to be. But thanks to a few months of using dilators plus regular self-massage with my trusty Njoy Pure Wand, I’ve been able to relax my pelvic floor enough to enjoy the occasional pounding. Unfortunately, I can only handle a pounding from a couple of fingers or a slim dildo, and I desperately want to experience all the girthy wonders the sex toy world has to offer. When I learned that some people use CBD — the non-psychoactive compound found in marijuana — to relax the pelvic floor and enhance sexual pleasure, I got curious.

Marijuana’s effect on sexual response is under-studied — likely because cannabis research is notoriously difficult to fund — and research on CBD and libido is pretty much non-existent. But for the past several years, friends, Autostraddle writers and even strangers have told me that CBD has had a positive impact on their sex lives. “There was no pain and it was magical,” Autostraddle’s Culture Writer Shelli wrote about her CBD-enhanced sexual experience. “I don’t know how else to explain it — it just felt like my vagina got very, deliciously high,” my friend explained after trying CBD/THC lube. That’s all the advertising I needed. When Foria offered to send me one of their CBD products, I knew I had to give it whirl.

Foria makes a number of CBD-infused sexual wellness products, including their “Intimacy Melts,” aka CBD suppositories. The word “suppository” brings exactly two things to mind:

1. That time I used Monistat to treat a wicked yeast infection, and
2. That time I had to force a vet-prescribed Valium suppository into my ex’s dog’s asshole while the dog was having a seizure.

Given those associations, you can probably understand why the thought of a suppository didn’t exactly set my vulva ablaze, but since Foria’s Intimacy Melts promise to “enhance penetration, ease discomfort and increase relaxation,” I decided to keep an open mind and an open vagina.

Foria’s Intimacy Melts can be used vaginally or anally. They contain two ingredients: 50mg of CBD and cocoa butter. These ingredients were safe for me to use, but if you’re allergic to chocolate or if you’ve had adverse reactions to CBD in the past, steer clear. If you haven’t already, talk to your doctor before you start using CBD products. While CBD is not psychoactive, it’s still a drug, and it can alter the effects of some prescription and over-the-counter medications.

I should also note that Foria’s Intimacy Melts are oil-based, so they can degrade safer sex barriers made of latex or polyisoprene. If you want to use Intimacy Melts with barriers, make sure your barriers are made out of an oil-safe material like polyurethane or nitrile.

Okay, now that all the disclaimers are out of the way, here’s the fun stuff:

On a quiet Monday evening, I washed my hands, removed an Intimacy Melt from the package and popped it in my pussy. The suppositories are small (they’re shaped like tiny rockets and each one is about the size of a bean), so this was an easy task. Foria suggests inserting a Melt 30-60 minutes before sex, and since I was planning to have sex with myself on this particular evening (after all, it’s Masturbation May), I decided to lie in bed and scroll through TikTok until I felt…inspired.

I wasn’t in a particularly sexy mood before inserting the Intimacy Melt, but within about twenty minutes, I was suddenly very, VERY turned on. While I’ve always had a consistently high sex drive, my arousal has never gone from 0 to 60 that fast. After a few minutes of using a small vibrator against my clit, I decided to lube up an internal toy and test my vagina’s limits. Penetration with my fingers definitely felt easier, and (drumroll, please) I even inserted my girthiest dildo, which I’ve only been able to fit inside me a handful of times. And it went in with ease! I’m not sure if my Size Queen Success was due to the enhanced arousal, the extra lubrication from the melted suppository, the CBD working its relaxing magic on my muscles or some combination of those factors — whatever it was, it worked. After using my dildo, I switched back to external stimulation and enjoyed an extra-tingly orgasm.

I’m looking forward to using Foria’s Intimacy Melts with even girthier toys and with my partner. Saying, “Hold on, darling — let me insert my vaginal suppository and wait 30-60 minutes” when sex is on the horizon feels a little impractical, BUT I like the idea of letting my suppository work its witchcraft while I top my partner — that way, I’ll be more than ready to get railed when it’s time. That said, I’ll probably save my Intimacy Melts for “special occasions.” A pack of four Intimacy Melts is $20 ($5/melt), and while the results were everything I’d hoped for, I don’t need an enhanced $5 experience every single time I masturbate or fuck.

I would recommend Foria’s Intimacy Melts to folks who struggle to get aroused or get anxious before or during sex, to those who experience vaginal pain, tightness, cramping or dryness during sex or throughout the day and to anyone who wants to have a slightly upgraded sexual experience. While I haven’t yet put a suppository in my butt, I imagine Foria’s Intimacy Melts would be a much safer, much more satisfying alternative to the numbing creams and lubes that some anal newbies are tempted to try. If you think you might need a little extra oomph, Foria also offers Relief Melts, which each contain 100mg of CBD.

TL;DR — according to my research, suppositories are for sexpots. Get yours and get some.

I Got Absolutely Jackhammered by the Lovers Joy Stick Thruster and It Was Fine, I Guess?

Over the last few years, sex toy companies and stores have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Lovers Joy Stick Thruster, available at Lovers.

I’m on the hunt for a new dual-action vibrator. For a long time, my go-to toy was the Miss Bi from Fun Factory, which I then began to feel was too small, so I upgraded to the Lady Bi from the same company, which I like, but it offers a much different sensation. So when I had an opportunity to review the Lovers Joy Stick Thruster — a silicone, rechargeable, dual-action, thrusting vibrator — I jumped at the chance. While I didn’t like the toy much at first, I decided to be persistent and try it a few more ways. Here’s how I used the toy:

1. By myself, with the thrusting option turned on

I started with the intended use for the Lovers Joy Stick Thruster — thrusting. I lubed it up, inserted it, turned it on and played around with the speeds and patterns. The internal arm of the toy looks small, but it has a nice weight to it — I think that made the toy feel fuller inside me, which was really nice. Unfortunately, the thrusting felt more like jackhammering, and the patterns were pretty indiscernible. Although the toy did fulfill its promise of reaching “sweet spots,” it was ultimately too intense, veering towards painful. Someone who prefers getting genuinely drilled might really enjoy that experience. Personally, I prefer getting railed, which I’d consider to be about one or two notches down from the intensity of this toy’s vibe. The external vibrator did sit nicely against the outside of my body, but because the thrusting mechanism was so strong, it meant that the vibrator mostly tapped against me really fast — again, not the sensation I specifically love, but it could be great for the right person! Unfortunately, the motor did get pretty hot during use, and I don’t think I used it for a particularly long time. That’s something to consider if you like getting drilled over an extended period.

2. With a partner, remote-controlled

Intrigued by the novelty of the remote, my partner and I decided it might be fun to play around with the external control feature. Doing so didn’t really make a difference in my experience of the the Lovers Joy Stick Thruster, but it was fun to add to our sex and watch both his and my reactions to different settings. The remote was a little confusing at first, and I’m still not actually sure if the remote totally turns the toy off and on. The power button on the actual toy is also just a flat, soft push button, which I found a little tricky to maneuver, and that seems like it could present a problem for people who have any mobility issues. At a certain point, I told my partner that the vibrating sensation was actually maybe too intense, at which point he used the toy as a dildo for a while. Because the toy has a good size and heft to it, this was pretty fun!

3. By myself, with the vibration and thrusting turned off

My boyfriend’s idea to use the toy as a dildo sparked an interesting idea. I already have a favorite external vibrator (my trusted and true JimmyJane Form 2), but I have recently found that I’m only able to orgasm easily with internal stimulation in addition to external. Mid-session with the Form 2, I began to crave some internal sensation, so I reached for the Lovers Joy Stick Thruster rather than use my own hand as usual. The Joy Stick offered the perfect weight and size for what I’d been craving, and this was my favorite use for this toy by far. I will probably continue to keep it in my toy rotation, despite me not being into the vibrating experience!

The very fun thing about sex toys is there’s one out there for everyone, and most toys can be used in multiple ways. While the Lovers Joy Stick Thruster’s intended use wasn’t my favorite sensation, it could be yours!

Anonymous Sex Toy Review: Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System

Over the last few years, sex toy companies and stores have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re mixing it up — we’re reviewing the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System, available at Lovers.

One of my favorite things to do during sex is to tie people up. Silks, rope, bondage tape, leather handcuffs or even just using my words as restraints, instructing the object of my desire to put their hands against the wall and keep them there — there’s something intoxicating about being fully in control, about knowing that the person I’m with is at the mercy of my command.

My current headboard was purchased with this preference in mind. It’s perfectly suited for the ties and cuffs I love, but my partner’s bed doesn’t have a headboard at all. This leads to plenty of creativity, but when it comes to tying them to something that’s anchored in the space, my options are limited. Under-the-bed style restraints have always seemed like a great solution, but I’ll admit I was a bit skeptical about how well they would really work for us. Would they be sturdy enough? Would they be soft enough? (I’m not opposed to bruises and marks, but I like to be intentional about when, where and how I leave them). Would there be enough tension, or would my partner be able to wiggle around or even break free if they wanted to be a brat about it? The act of slowly, methodically tying someone up is an intimate one, and I like to use that time to establish control and build sexual tension. I was curious if anything would be lost with a restraint system that was designed for ease and convenience of use.

With that in mind, I pounced at the opportunity to review the Sportsheets Original Under The Bed Restraint System. The product reviews are positive nearly across the board, with users celebrating how simple they are to set up, how well they work with different mattresses and body types and how discreetly they tuck away when not in use, all of which sounded appealing to me. They’re also fairly inexpensive ($79 for the complete system at the time of publishing). I knew that even if my partner and I both ended up preferring our tried-and-true silk ties and leather cuffs, these restraints would still make for a few fun play sessions.

This restraint system is made up of four adjustable cuffs and four 60 inch adjustable restraint straps, as well as a 60 inch connector strap that links everything together. The polypropylene straps and cuffs are machine washable and nickel-free, and they include a limited lifetime warranty. All four cuffs are soft but sturdy, adjust to fit both wrists or ankles (any diameter between 4 to12 inches) and can also be separated from the system if you want to use your own restraints — a great feature if you already have a set of cuffs or ties that you prefer.

I was able to install these restraints myself on a memory foam mattress in just a few minutes (these reviews are anonymous, but for reference, I am not a particularly tall person). Before installing, I laid the whole thing out on the bed and did some rough adjustments on the straps to get them to a correct approximate length. Then I slid the connector strap underneath the mattress at the foot, keeping the cuff straps pulled out on the sides. Gradually shimmying the side straps up to the head of the bed only took a moment, and even with a heavy foam mattress, I was surprised at how easy it was to pull everything into place.

Moving the cuffs to the sides of the mattress keeps the person restrained fairly locked into position, while keeping the cuffs over the head and under the foot of the mattress allows for a bit more movement — but since every strap is adjustable, you can create tension where you need it, and loosen things up where you want there to be more slack. It’s not hard to adjust the lengths of the straps even after someone is already in the restraints, so getting the right fit is a snap. And if you only want to use a few of the cuffs at a time, you’ll still have plenty of tension as long as one person’s weight is on the mattress.Using the restraints was a delight. Because they attach with Velcro, it was easy to slip a finger between the cuff and my partner’s body while putting them on to ensure a safe and comfortable fit, and it still felt hot to deliberately take my time tying her down. My girl likes to have enough slack in wrist ties to be able to grasp the fastenings with her hands, and I was concerned that having the plastic adjuster so close to the cuffs might mean that the tension was reduced — but they stayed in place beautifully, keeping her right where I wanted her. No matter how much she begged, pleaded and yanked on the straps, she was securely held in place and entirely at my mercy.

The cuffs were soft enough against her skin to not leave any bruising or scratches — she told me that they felt pleasant and sturdy, and there were no sharp edges or rough corners to distract her from our scenes. And after half a dozen orgasms, it only took a few seconds to set her free and shift into new positions. By that point, it didn’t matter that neither of us find the sound of Velcro ripping particularly sexy — we just appreciated how effortless it was to get the cuffs off.

In addition to ease of use and comfort, I particularly like how discreet the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System is — the straps are thick enough to be secure, but thin enough to tuck underneath the mattress or bed frame after fucking. And as someone with a too-small carabiner permanently and unintentionally stuck on my bedframe, it’s nice to have restraints that can be pulled out and put away without planning or effort.

If you’ve been interested in trying bondage play but are concerned about learning knots that you’ll need to be able to untie quickly or if you want a relatively inexpensive way to test out some new dynamics in your sex life, the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System is a great entry point. As always, it’s essential that you have safe words and limits established, both understand the dynamics that you want to explore and have strong communication with your partner — but these restraints can help take out some of the more intimidating aspects of bondage, letting you focus on pleasure and power rather than worrying about bonds coming loose or getting too tight. The Velcro releases make it a quick and simple process to set your sub free when playtime is over or anytime someone needs a break, and the system comes with everything you need to get set up within just a few minutes.

There are technically cheaper ways to incorporate bondage into your sex life, but for a complete system that only needs to be set up once and offers a lot of flexibility, accessibility and simplicity, I wholeheartedly recommend these restraints.