You Need Help: How Do I Learn To Trust Again After My Two-Month Situationship Ended Abruptly?
Q:
I’m a cis queer woman in my mid-twenties, and I’m mourning yet another 2-3 month-long relationship that ended unexpectedly, and this time it’s messing with me in the way the others haven’t.
To keep the background of it all short, before this I’d been single for about 4.5 years. Around the start of COVID, I realized I really needed to work on my relationship with relationships, so I committed to therapy and eventually started SSRIs. All of this has been super helpful, and about a year after moving to a new city, I decided to start dating again, but nothing stuck until this most recent person. We went on a first date, but a few days afterward, she reached out to tell me she had a lot going on and didn’t have the capacity for a relationship. I was initially upset but wanted to be friends, because we got along well, and we spent a few months developing a friendship I was really happy with. Then she confessed feelings, and I did the same, and we decided to try dating out to see where things went.
For two months, we’d started doing the stereotypical couply things: When we were visiting our homes for the holidays, we were always in contact, and she told me she couldn’t stop talking to her family about me. When I got back, we ordered a sex toy together (which we’d talked about doing a few weeks prior and I’d never done with a partner before). Then all of a sudden, after we got back to my place after a date night, she told me she has too much going on in her life and doesn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship with me.
I was and still am very confused by everything. I know we hadn’t formally defined the relationship yet, but she knew from the jump where I stood re:situationships, and I genuinely didn’t think she’d break things off so suddenly.
It’s been almost eight weeks and I’m doing better than I ever have after a breakup thanks to the work I’ve done on myself, but I’m honestly still fucked up about how I go forward once I’m ready to put myself out there again. I opened up to her in a way I never had with anyone and really put in work to be honest about my anxieties so they didn’t backfire on me like before. Now I’m not sure how I can trust anyone else to not break things off super suddenly when it happened with someone who made me feel genuinely safe and secure. I’ve never been in a healthy long-term relationship and thought things with her were going in that direction, and now I’m not really sure what to do. Some magic words of wisdom would be SUPER appreciated, it’s tough out here!
Thanks for listening!
Baffled & Bummed Out
A:
Dear baffled and bummed out,
I’m baffled and bummed out for you, too! It seems like things were going so well, which makes the sudden breakup even more confusing. You’re definitely not alone in feeling torn up about a short situationship. Most of the time, the 2-3 month relationships I have are more difficult for me to work through than long-term full blown relationships. I think a big part of that has to do with closure. In a typical monogamous long-term relationship, there’s often a sense of if/when things might come to an end. You’ve known that person long enough to identify behaviors that may suggest changing feelings. In a short dating stint, it could be harder to read the signs or feel comfortable sharing uncomfortable feelings. Regardless, it sounds like you and this person were very close and shared many intimate moments, so you’re completely valid in feeling upset about this.
I don’t have any concrete answers for you, but I can offer another perspective. Sometimes people just can’t handle saying goodbye. Some people can’t even handle strong feelings. This could be your ex-situationship’s case. Often, relationship changes that feel sudden aren’t exactly impulsive for the person making the changes. She might’ve been grappling with many complex issues either within or outside of the relationship and didn’t have the tools to handle it and/or didn’t know how to communicate it. She might’ve been afraid to face her strong feelings and thought goodbye was easiest done in a quick, non-emotional kind of way. It’s also interesting that she stated her intentions/boundaries at the very beginning of the friendship, changed them via her behaviors in becoming more involved with you, and then broke up with you for those same reasons. She knew what she wanted (or didn’t want), developed feelings for you and pursued those (defying her own boundaries), and then realized one day that this dynamic isn’t what she wanted and hurt you in the process. This is why sticking to your intentions and continuously communicating is so important!! It seems like you were pretty clear throughout the relationship, and maybe she just wasn’t super honest with herself, and therefore not honest with you.
I feel for you in grieving this whirlwind relationship, but I’m proud of you for working on yourself! It sounds like you’ve set aside an ample amount of time to process your emotions and figure out who you are. Not many people take time to do this, especially before or after dating, so I want to commend you for your hard work on yourself. Trust in other people will take time, which is the most annoying answer to hear. Continue to trust yourself and tell people what you’re looking for. Ask for their expectations and intentions in return. Vet future dates based on these intentions and values and stick to them. You deserve a love that won’t leave you, including love for yourself. Have patience (even though it’s truly rough out here) and let yourself grieve.
Wishing you lots of love!
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Help Me Find a Hot Plus Size Queer Outfit for a Gay Wedding
I absolutely love weddings. I love the planning, colors, flowers, food, and even the drama. Part of the fun is dressing up in ways we normally don’t get to. Even if you aren’t in the wedding party, you have an excuse to dive deep into your closet and find that one nice thing from that one event you went to a couple years ago. Better yet, it gives you an excuse to do hours of online shopping.
No matter the type or location of the wedding, there’s a social etiquette to wedding attire. If the couple doesn’t specify black tie, then we all pretty much accept business casual attire. For some, that may look like a suit. For others, this could be a khaki and printed shirt option. And for others, it could be a simple but elegant dress.
Sure, I guess the rules apply even if you’re queer, but what if they didn’t? What if you decided to dress to your full maximalist potential at the next wedding? If you’re going to a gay wedding, you might as well be GAY! So let’s dress for it!
As you may or may not know, our very own Managing Editor Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is getting gay married in February! The vibe is bold, dramatic, peacocking, and ultimately flamboyantly queer. I would like to make a statement with my look. While this particular dress code vibe certainly isn’t the case for every queer wedding, it’s fun to have a few go-to personality pieces on hand for any special occasion where you want to sport a little flare. So, let’s pick an outfit to flaunt at our next gay wedding!
As a plus sized baddie on a budget, I’ve listed these from least expensive to most expensive, and the size ranges are included as well. It’s hard to be gay and look cool and not be broke! Check out the following ideas for plus size wedding guest outfit inspiration!
Long-Sleeve Tie-Neck Maxi Dress ($40, sizes 10-40)
This Lane Bryant option is definitely more for the holiday months (especially February). If you live in a colder climate, this could pair well with a statement jacket or fun jewelry. I could see myself wearing it with platform patent leather boots and a leather jacket, or going high femme and doing heels with a furry pink coat.
Satin Double Breasted Blazer ($40, sizes 14-28)
Eloquii is my go-to store for more dressy occasion plus size wear. This green color isn’t necessarily the most bold, but if you pair it with its matching pants or statement trousers you could certainly brighten it up.
ASOS DESIGN 90s oversized organza shirt in white ($45, sizes 2XS-4XL)
So, this isn’t exactly bold, I just thought it would be a hot look to sport off your newly healed top surgery scars. Or, I don’t know, wear glitter nipple coverings and call it a day. Pair it with a brightly colored duster or cape for a dramatic look.
Off-The-Shoulder Velvet Swing Dress ($62, sizes 12-40)
The velvet purple is bold but still understated and extremely romantic. This is a great option for femmes wanting to try out colors beyond a neutral palette.
Plus Size Velvet Sequin Flare Pants ($75, sizes 14-22)
I LOVE Nasty Gal’s whole aesthetic, but they only go up to a 22. When you can find things that fit, they often have flashy, higher quality pieces for a fair price. This pink and black pattern is also available in a skirt and matching blazer, depending on your size.
Printed Blazer With Faux Leather Collar ($78, sizes 14-32)
Again, Eloquii is great for more plus size options. I was immediately drawn to this paint suit combo, because it’s still neutral colors (so, I could wear the top or bottom to work), but together it’s quite bold.
Plus Size Tassel Beaded Mini Shift Dress ($95, sizes 14-22)
This screams NYE party to me, but if it fits your all-around vibe, it’s the perfect dress for dancing the night away and catching a cutie’s eye.
Men’s OppoSuits Slim-Fit Novelty Pattern Suit & Tie Collection ($99-119, sizes 36-52)
I’m going to be honest: I have no idea what the quality of these Kohl’s suits are like. However, they seemed in my budget, versatile, and inclusive in size ranges. Some of them could be a little costumey, but some patterns or colors could be spot on for the vibe or venue.
The Empower Double Breasted Blazer ($139, sizes XS-3XL)
A friend sent this to me because she thought of me. It’s 100% my vibe, and depending on how bold you usually dress, it could be a statement fit for you. This pattern has most sizes available, but if you have different size needs you could play around with their different patterns (like the one with snakes!).
Glitter Detail Brocade Wide Leg Mary Fit Pants ($139, sizes 10-30)
I’ve never heard of Ulla Popken, but their stuff kept popping up in my searches, so I thought I’d include this shimmery pink pant suit set. They have a lot of dress options, so if that’s something you want to try, I’d give their suggestions a look as well, even if it’s
LALA ORIGINAL: Make Me Wanna Lala Boyfriend Blazer in Be Yourself ($152, sizes XS-3XL) styled with LALA ORIGINAL: Mirrorball Mesh Dress + Slip ($144, sizes S-3XL)
I LOVE THIS LOOK. IT’S SO GAY. It’s also $300 in total. Am I thinking about getting it anyways and blaming it on my manic tendencies? Maybe.
LALA ORIGINAL: Lala Satin Playsuit in Wild Woman ($178, sizes XS-3XL)
I’ve never been a huge animal print fan, but for whatever reason this year feels like the time for wild animal chic. It’s the perfect combo of a funky pattern and a satin cloth to give it that elevated push it needs for fancy events.
I’ve spent far too long searching for options that aren’t basic or neutral, and let me tell you, it’s hard work! While fast fashion typically is the most affordable route, it has its obvious drawbacks, and I’ve tried to stay away from the big names. If none of these places/options work, the last suggestion I have for you and myself is to hit up plus size thrift stores like The Plus Bus based in Los Angeles but also available online. Since it’s all donation based, their inventory is constantly changing, so what I suggest now may not be up tomorrow. However, they always have some killer pieces like this 13 Going on 30 Dress and this ASOS Jacquard Blue and Gold Dress.
It’s tough out here, and I feel like I’ve now expended my options. Look, we all just want to look gay and hot! So, if you have any further suggestions PLEASE hit me up in the comments.
You Need Help: I’m Too ‘Old’ for This New Generation of Queers
feature image by Marcos Homem via Getty Images
Q:
I’m a Millennial (born in the early 90s), and lately I feel like I was “raised” in old queer culture and as a result don’t fit in with young/newly out queers. I realized I was queer in high school, in the mid-2000s, when my family and friends still dropped slurs and criticized gender non-conforming clothing. I came to understand my sexuality by reading queer history and theory, and through sites like AfterEllen (before…everything) — all in secret. I was the classic “watched The L Word in secret and dreaded discussions about crushes” teenage gay just trying to survive the homophobia of high school and (for me at least) college.
Now it’s 2024, gay marriage is long legal, and suddenly everyone around me seems to be so comfortable with queerness, but in a way I find alienating. Several old friends who I have long forgiven for their ignorant, homophobic high school comments are coming out as queer while married to their cis straight husbands. I don’t want them to feel invalidated, so I bury the strange grief and anger that these coming outs trigger. It’s illogical, but I feel betrayed that they got to have a “normal” childhood and now wear a pride flag; I wouldn’t feel this way about just anyone, but these are the people who told me at a young age that my “not talking about boys” made them uncomfortable, and their comments shaped how I now navigate the world with caution. My younger coworkers come out as queer all the time, but we have nothing to talk about despite being only four to five years apart in age. All of their cultural references are 20-year-old pop singers, and they hate media that used to be a touchstone in queer spaces. I was chastised for calling Angelina Jolie a queer icon, for example. I know this isn’t everyone, but I feel like so many younger queer people don’t care about queer culture older than five years and are so unforgiving about the nuances of coming out. On top of that, I am a black woman, and I feel like with queer culture becoming more mainstream I am expected to only have white women and nbs as references, and when I don’t, my sexuality is called into question. I feel invalidated when I have known about my queerness for almost two decades, but because my references aren’t from trends on TikTok, I am suddenly performing my sexuality incorrectly.
I want to be very clear that I don’t judge other people’s expressions of their sexuality, but I am judging myself for being “old.” I was raised on Alison Bechdel and watching Queer as Folk on Putlocker. Now I don’t know how to interact with newly out queer people who have King Princess and their choice of queer content on Netflix. I was made for a world that disappeared, and my peers don’t see me as a “real” gay. I have hurt and shame deep inside because I was taught to be cautious for 15 years and then suddenly (or at least how it feels to me) all the old queer experience touchstones were gone and I was outdated. How do I stop grieving when I know what we lost is probably for the better? I feel horrible because I want to support all this new queer joy, but I feel like an outsider in my own community.
A:
First off, I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s hard to feel like the parade has passed you by and you’re left there alone holding on to that last piece of confetti. When that’s how you feel, it’s easy to think you’re the only one, but I can assure you that you are not alone in your feelings. I also think there are a lot of different factors at play when it comes to your feeling of displacement.
I’m a few years older than you, and we’re approaching a very important life milestone: the beginning of middle age. No one wants to hear or think this, but presuming you live to be in your 80s, your 40s are in fact, middle-aged. I think for Millennials more than any other generation, the thought of turning 40 is really unsettling. Because of the collective trauma our generation has experienced at the points in our lives that we did, we are living in a huge arrested development. On paper, we’re grownups, but because of things like the housing crisis and the economy and the pandemic, etc etc etc, we still feel like a bunch of kids playing house. Because of this, we cling that much harder to the cultural touchstones that were the most relevant to us. Millennials are in the unique position where when our nostalgia is held up to the magnifying glass and examined, many of us don’t know how to react, because as much as we know that, yes, it was problematic or not representative, it’s still ours. Reconciling our levels of understanding with our levels of comfort and safety from the things we loved is definitely challenging!
I will admit I’m coming to this advice from the position of someone who has one foot in each side of your dilemma. I too figured out my queerness at a young age in the late 90s, and things were SO different back then. There were so few references to queerness for women, and many of the mainstream ones were white. My earliest examples of lesbians were Carol and Susan on Friends and Ellen. As a Black girl, I didn’t have any references for queer women that looked like me. If I’m being honest, that is still a challenge for me personally. Maybe you’ve found someone out there who makes you feel seen and represented. We came into our queerness at a time where many queer actresses were firmly NOT OUT. It was dangerous for them to be. I don’t know how much you remember the Ellen backlash, but it was brutal and scary. Angelina Jolie is absolutely a queer icon for Millennials; Gia was the movie that made me realize I was attracted to women. I know a lot of other women who will say the same.
I also put myself back in the closet for many years, and when I finally was fully ready to be out, it was 2017. I was coming out into a world that was ready to have me but was so different from what I remembered. There were so many shows with openly queer characters! Hayley Kiyoko and King Princess were pop music icons, and they were out. It’s such a jarring thing to experience when you’re used to the world where you heard your peers casually say “that’s gay” if they didn’t like someone’s sweatshirt or something. And I can understand how it’s stirring up resentment in you. You’re still trying to adjust to a world that feels like it changed really quickly.
Younger queers and folks who are at the beginning of their coming out journey are a tough group to be around sometimes for the exact reasons you’ve mentioned. There’s ample research that shows Gen Z is a more queer generation than any previous generations. Many of them came of age in an era where you could find a queer woman on any variety of TV shows. There was significantly less searching for representation and being satisfied with lackluster representation. That’s not to say they don’t have their own struggles, but when you have a coming out experience steeped in shame, it’s hard not to resent that!
One of the best things I can suggest is finding ways to expand your queer community. Being around people who are closer to your age or experience level will help to combat those feelings of otherness you’re experiencing around your current queer circle. Sometimes there are meetups or events for queer women of a certain age. I don’t know where you live, but I live in LA and there’s a group here that puts together events for queers over 30 and over 40 to be around people their own age. My partner and I have gone to a few of these nights, and it’s really refreshing to be around people who are our age and will understand our cultural references. Plus, they play old Millennial music, and it’s way more fun to dance to the music of my youth than current music.
I wanted to address what you said about your high school friends coming out later in life separately, because my goodness do I understand your feelings. It’s not illogical to have big strong feelings, especially when you know that those people made you feel bad about being queer. This happened to me with my former best friend, and it’s a big part of why our friendship ended. Seeing them have the safety of coming out, especially because hetero-presenting relationships are still the default and queer women who are in those relationships get to move through the world differently, triggers the unsafe feelings you felt. I’m glad you’ve been able to forgive them for their ignorance when they were younger, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t sting a little.
Do you have someone you can trust to talk through these feelings? Whether it’s a therapist or just a close friend who isn’t directly involved, I really think you need to give these feelings space so that you can feel a sense of peace about it. You may never be fully over it, but you may be able to pinpoint that discomfort and work through it a little more.
Being “old” isn’t a bad thing, and there is absolutely space for you in our community. I’m so sorry the people you’re around have made you feel unwelcome because you don’t follow their narrow definition of what being a queer woman looks like. You can listen to whatever music you want, worship at the altar of whatever queer icons make YOU feel good. No one can take away the things you’ve had to overcome to get to the queer life you’re currently living. I hope you have people who respect your journey and make you feel loved and supported for the moments when these other people make you feel less than. And if you need another, you know where to find me.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
You Need Help: What If You Never Want To Move In Together?
Q:
My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a year, longer if we count the beginning when we were in the talking stage and non-exclusive. She brought up moving in together a few months ago, and I told her I wasn’t ready. She respected my decision but recently she reopened the conversation recently and wanted me to elaborate on why I don’t feel ready. I found it hard to really talk honestly about my reasons and we ended up fighting but I think it was mostly a mis-communication.
I’ve never lived with a partner before, but I’ve had some bad roommate experiences in the past and saved money until I could afford to live on my own. I love living alone! I love when my girlfriend sleeps over, but I also like having my own space. It takes about 20 minutes to drive between our apartments but an hour for her to get to my place from her work. I’d admit we both spend a lot of time in our cars going between our places. And the idea of sharing rent is attractive. I have a second room in my apartment but I use it as a home office and studio space. When I think about what living together looks like, I have a hard time picturing it even just in a logistics way.
I asked her if there’s a world in which we always live separately but still spend most nights together, and she didn’t say no but she also said she was having a hard time imagining it. Do people ever do this? Is it sustainable? How do people know when the time is time to move in together? Even though I’m not ready now, it’s also might be because I think it’s too soon.
A:
My suspicion here is just that it’s too soon, and that’s okay! Do people move in together after dating for less than a year? Most don’t, but some certainly do — according to our 2018 Lesbian Stereotypes Survey, 25% of our readers had at some point moved in with someone they’d been dating for under a year. Do people live separately forever and still spend most nights together? I’m confident they do, apparently these days there is a trend of even married couples living apart. But! Forever is a long time. Do any of us know what we want to do forever? You don’t have to know that just yet!
Often the decision to move in quickly is driven by factors that don’t seem to be heavily at play for you, like needing to save money, not having the time to shuttle between apartments due to work or school or family obligations, or just generally preferring co-habitation over solo living. You’ve saved up to live alone, you like living alone, and it seems like the middle-distance relationship thing isn’t putting too much of a strain on the rest of your life, so your drive to move in might not look like everyone else’s. You don’t express any hesitation about the longevity or strength of your relationship, nor does that seem to be a factor holding you back from signing that lease. You just… like living alone and want to spend more time doing this thing that you like to do. And listen, I can relate!
I’ve lived with partners a few times — starting with a misguided college co-habitation with my then-boyfriend of nine months where I realized immediately after signing the lease that he was Not the Man For Me and promised myself to be more careful going forward. For my next four relationships I did the “living in different places but still spending every night together” arrangement. But a full decade later, in 2012, I moved in with my then-girlfriend after around two years together, which was preceded by over a year of living in different apartments in the same building. When we broke up in 2014, the real estate market in the Bay Area was bananas. The person I’d started dating couldn’t afford their own place in the area, so we made the very gay choice to move in together after six weeks of dating. It was pretty fun at first to be honest! We then got engaged, moved to the midwest and bought a house together. Although I clearly was still hopeful about our future when I answered this co-habitation question two months before we broke up, this situation eventually ended badly and I left it terrified of ever living with a partner ever again, certain it’d lead to them hating me and also me hating myself!
Which brings me to the present moment, which is like yours except we’ve had the value of two additional years together — my girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years and we don’t live together. We live 30 minutes apart without traffic, 90 with traffic, and I spend a lot of time in my car and packing/unpacking. And I’ll tell you what, despite being a person who does enjoy living alone, I really really wish we lived together! But that overwhelming desire didn’t kick in immediately and it wasn’t until around a year ago — long after we’d started planning an indefinite future together — that we started talking more urgently about finding a place together. (Unfortunately, the Los Angles real estate market has yet to offer us an affordable option!)
So with the caveat that yes, I am projecting here based on my own personal experience — there will quite possibly come a time when you simply begin to desire more, when it feels like time, when it feels weird that someone your life is so intertwined with lives so far away. You may get tired, eventually, of all of the driving and shlepping and pre-planning involved in a mid-distance relationship. You’ll want to run errands together. You’ll wish it was easier to be there for her when she’s sick or sad, and vice versa. You may get tired of paying two separate sets of bills and buying two separate containers of peanut butter. You may want to be able to see your person in the in-between times and not just the times you’ve made a concerted effort to do so. You may want to be able to want to do different things on a Saturday night without that meaning you won’t see each other at all on Saturday night — you’ll want to be able to come home to her, or see her before.
But you might never get there, which brings me to: is there “a world in which we always live separately but still spend most nights together” is a sustainable option? I think so and I think it depends on the couple and the people in it. Famously, Annie Lebowitz and Susan Sontag lived in separate apartments directly opposite each other, but they had some coin to work with. Whatever you do, I’d ensure you live in at least a two-bedroom, if not a three bedroom. So you can have your space! (One thing I’ve never done is live in a one-bedroom with a partner, I think that can get very cramped, especially for anyone who works at home.)
My instinct is that such a thing might only be sustainable in the long-term for you and your girlfriend (who does want to live together) if you guys eventually find a way to live a little closer together. Would it be possible to live in the same building or on the same block, where you can still keep the solo space that you currently treasure, but can begin start sharing more of your lives with each other? Living an hour’s drive away from your girlfriend’s work is clearly less than ideal for her.
There definitely are people who want to live alone forever, even if they are in a serious relationship. If that turns out to be you, you’ll have to cross that bridge when you come to it and figure out an arrangement that meets your needs and hers. But I don’t think you’re at that bridge yet! I think you are still in the meadow, having a picnic. One year is really not enough time to know how you’ll feel about living together, especially if you’re still in the honeymoon phase with your own apartment after having difficult roommate situations in the past.
Finally; it sounds like your girlfriend took it personally that you didn’t want to move in together, so she might have some insecurities that your resistance is related to a lack of faith or interest in your relationship. From your letter, it sounds like that’s not where your resistance is coming from — so I’d suggest first and foremost communicating that to her. It could be helpful to talk through ways that she can feel more secure about your relationship despite living apart, or for her to understand that your love of solo living is simply a part of who you are rather than any reflection on how you feel about her.
The good news is that I’m pretty sure the longer you wait to co-habitate, the better it will be if/when you do — you’ll understand each other and your routines and habits better, you’ll be more adept at navigating the little squabbles that arise. You can figure out how to avoid the issues that plagued your previous roommate situations, and you’ll be less prone to question the entire relationship if you can’t agree about how often laundry needs to get done and who ought to do it. You’ll also have thoroughly rid yourself of the nagging concept that you wish you’d had a little more time to yourself first!
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Forget New Relationship Energy, Embrace Stable Relationship Energy
We’ve all heard of New Relationship Energy. It’s that intoxicating and passionate period of time toward the beginning of a relationship when, perhaps, things haven’t even been fully defined yet. It’s that thrill of exploring a new person’s body, of getting to know someone. It’s a heady high. New Relationship Energy is literally a neurochemical response. So what happens when it goes away?
As someone who works for a queer website where we dispense a lot of relationship and sex advice, I encounter questions about New Relationship Energy a lot, whether they use that exact wording or not. People often want to know what happens when the spark sputters, when the flame fades. The longer you’re with someone, the more familiar they become, and the less exploratory you might feel. But there are downsides to New Relationship Energy, too. It can lead to anxiety and obsessive behavior; it can cause people to hinge their own self-worth and desirability on the gaze of another.
Negative side effects of New Relationship Energy aside, I do think it’s normal for people to wonder if there are ways within monogamy to replicate or re-access the thrills it comes with. As someone in a long-term monogamous relationship that will soon become a marriage, I’m no strange to “keeping the spark alive” discourse, and I think it does queer people a disservice to pretend like this is merely a straight people problem. Yes, it’s true that queer folks often reimagine and restructure the ways we think about and practice relationships and sex outside of heteronormative expectations. And that can definitely make it easier to come up with solutions to dips in sex drive or increased monotony in a relationship. But it doesn’t mean we’re somehow above or impervious to those fluctuations.
While I understand the impulse for people to try to recreate New Relationship Energy and I think it can be achieved in ephemeral bursts, I think trying to go backwards in a relationship timeline can sometimes set people up for failure. Rather than striving for New Relationship Energy within a relationship that isn’t new, why don’t we embrace Stable Relationship Energy? Why don’t we recognize that can be just as hot and even hotter, even if it also feels different?
Here are some of the hot, delicious, even surprising benefits of Stable Relationship Energy, which I’ve also heard called Established Relationship Energy. But stable, to me, conveys an even more solid foundation and something to truly embrace and aspire to.
Stable Relationship Energy = Knowing What You Want and Being Able To Easily Ask for It
This isn’t true for everyone, but it was not until I really and truly entered a Stable Relationship Energy phase that I was able to best understand and ask for what I want when it comes to sex. Yes, I had really great sex during the New Relationship Energy phase of my current relationship, and it was the first time in my life when I was having the kind of sex I’d desired since coming out. While I was able to be exploratory during that phase and try new things out with a new partner, those possibilities increased and intensified when we reached a more Stable Relationship Energy place, especially once we were living together.
I was so overwhelmed the first time I was asked what sex toys I’d like to use or try. I didn’t even know where to start. There was an excitement to that, but I was even more turned on later when I could shop for toys with my partner with an existing understanding of what I already liked. This still means we can try new things, and in fact, I want to emphasize that Stable Relationship Energy does not mean Static Relationship Energy. We can still be exploratory and try new things together, and there’s a safety and comfort in taking that journey together. I’m often told by a friend of mine that my partner and I are the horniest monogamous couple she knows. It’s true! And I think it’s because we’re both good at embracing Stable Relationship Energy and using it to deepen our already deep desire for each other instead of trying to simply recreate the past.
Stable Relationship Energy = Knowing What Your Partner Wants, Too
This works in both directions! Within a stable relationship, you also know how your partner likes to be touched and what turns them on. You can cater to this. When you do want to try something new, you know what your partner’s limits might be. Stable Relationship Energy means having so much data to work from! STEM but make it sexy.
Stable Relationship Energy Sets You Up for Success During Periods of Destabilization
Say your sex drives become out of sync. It happens at various points for most couples! While periods of withdrawal or the slightest of rejections during the New Relationship Energy stage can feel like huge setbacks or disappointments and perhaps impact your self-worth, if you’re in a place of Stable Relationship Energy, you’re better able to understand that a decrease in libido isn’t necessarily a personal rejection.
Again, stable isn’t static. Things are going to change. But that stable foundation means you’re able to understand and worth through small shifts much better than you can when your judgment is clouded by New Relationship Energy. Communication, connection, and confidence are all strengthened by Stable Relationship Energy, and that all leads to better, more fulfilling sex.
If you find yourself longing for the New Relationship Energy phase of a relationship, I think it could be a good moment to check in with yourself and your partner. Is it possible you’re overly romanticizing that era of the relationship? Is it possible you’re wanting something to change in the relationship as it currently stands to better serve your needs and wants and that “why can’t things be the way they used to be” is just your emotionally avoidant and ultimately unproductive way of not dealing with how you’re really feeling? Often, the answer isn’t to look back but rather to figure out a path forward, building on the existing foundation of the relationship instead of trying to return to a place difficult to perfectly replicate. Embrace Stable Relationship Energy, and you might just find those same thrills of before, made all the better by a solid foundation of trust and understanding of each other.
How To Make the Website for Your Lesbian Wedding
With less than a month to go before my own lesbian wedding, I’m trying to impart some wisdom I’ve gathered over the past year+ of wedding planning, which if I’m being honest has been quite fun! With periods of stress, sure. If anyone tells you they planned a wedding with zero stress ever, they are either lying or have achieved superhuman levels of cognitive and emotional ability. Something I realized early on in the wedding planning process was that soooooo much of the easily searchable advice is not only written under the assumption of straightness but also just woefully heteronormative, catering to strict ideas of gender, family, etc. Even a lot of queer wedding advice out there can be frustrating and broad! And while I don’t think I’m exactly reinventing the wheel here, I hope my wedding planning advice has been practical AND imaginative beyond the basics. My guide to queer wedding dress codes was definitely intended as such. But alas, sometimes you also just want to know about the basics when planning a wedding. Perhaps you just want to know what the fuck to even put on your wedding website. Well, I’m here to talk about exactly that!
Wedding Website Basics
My first rule of wedding websites is to not get toooooo bogged down with the look. The Knot and other wedding planning services offer free website services with so many templates to choose from. Unless HTML is your passion, you don’t need to design a whole website from scratch. Pick a template, pick your colors, and roll with it. If your wedding has a visual theme, pick something to match, but again, don’t get too fussy! There are plenty of other things to get fussy with. Keep the URL simple, too. The usual way to do it is to just include your and your partner’s first names.
There are a few other overarching decisions to make: Do you want to password protect your website? I did this, because my fiancée is a bit of a public figure and because she wrote about our wedding for a major national publication, and idk, I just didn’t want randos knowing where and when our wedding is! If you password protect your website, make sure the password is on the invitations when you send them out. Accept the inevitability that at least four people will text you to ask for the password for the website even though it is on the invitation. In my personal experience, GAYS APPARENTLY CAN’T READ.
Your wedding website is where you’ll collect RSVPs. All the major wedding planning services have straightforward ways of doing this. My fun piece of advice is to include a couple questions on the RSVP form that are personalized! The Knot, which we used, allowed you to add custom questions, so we did one where we asked people to make song requests (in theory, this will reduce the need for people to make requests of our DJ on the actual night) and another where we asked people to say what they’re looking forward to about the wedding in six words or less. Since it’s easy to pull a spreadsheet of all our RSVP responses, I’ll have all those answers in one place, so I can maybe include some in the zine I’m hoping to put together for me and my partner after the wedding. Some of my favorite answers include: “Gay literary wedding of the century,” “to yell gayyyyy (non-derogatory) at you 2 (on the dance floor),” “screaming about love in public,” and “the girls and the gays.”
You can choose to make your guest list available to all guests or keep it hidden, depending on your preferences. We decided to make ours visible, because we figured the nosy gays would wanna know!
Components of a Wedding Website
The following are the different tabs to include on your website, which are super easy to edit, add, and adjust when using an online wedding planning service for your website, especially if you’ve ever put together a newsletter or used a block editor of any sort. Some of the following tabs are optional, and I will indicate when that’s the case!
Homepage
On the homepage of your website, make sure all the MAJOR details are included: date, time, location. A countdown can be fun (and are usually built into most templates). One photo on the homepage, perhaps from your engagement shoot if you did one, will suffice, but don’t get too fancy just yet. You want this landing page to drive home the most pertinent information without distractions. My wedding website says the date…three whole ass times. Again, just trying to make sure the gays are actually reading.
Photos
This is an optional one! But if you want to include photos from something like an engagement shoot on your website so you can show off your wonderful, disgusting love, make it its own tab so that only those truly interested are bombarded with your faces.
Wedding Party
Another optional one! If you’re having wedding parties (we call ours our VIPs instead of using any gendered language, and plus it just sounds cooler), it can be nice to create a tab that includes their names, photos, and bios that you write. These can be the stories of how you met each of them, things you like about them, etc. You can even drag them a bit here, because as queer people it is our right to playfully drag our friends. For mine, in addition to doing individual photos and short blurbs for each person, we also included a gallery of photos of us with our VIPs and officiant through the years. It’s a cute touch, even if the only people who really look at it are the people featured.
FAQ
Non-optional in my opinion! Even if you are having the most simple wedding in the world, if it’s big enough to necessitate a website in the first place, it’s big enough for an FAQ. You can use the FAQ to reiterate the time when people are expected to arrive at the event (which should obviously be on your homepage, too, but it’s good to state it again, right at the top of the FAQ for the gays who will be late no matter what).
Other logistical details such as parking, directions to the venue, etc. can be included on the FAQ. It’s a good place to outline your policies on +1s or bringing children. For sample language if you’re doing a wedding where you aren’t letting people bring anyone they want, here’s what I wrote:
Our wedding is strictly RSVP only. We have so many people who we want to celebrate this day with, and we’re pushing the capacity of our venue. As a result, we’re not doing blanket +1s for all guests. Your invitation is addressed to the folks invited (in some cases, they’ll just be listed as “guest”). If you have questions about +1s, talk to Kayla!
I specified “talk to Kayla,” because if people were to ask my fiancée to bring a rando, she would 100% say yes, because she is a Sagittarius who likes to include everyone! So maybe figure out ahead of time if you or your partner is the stronger choice for being on +1 mediation duty. Our wedding is also children-free, so I made sure to say that on the FAQ along with a note that my niece would briefly be in attendance as the flower girl before leaving the premises. It’s totally fine to not allow children at your wedding!
You can also use the FAQ to explain any details you think your guests should know about the food being served. We’re not doing a formal sit-down dinner but rather will have stations throughout the event, and I explained all this on our website so people know what to expect.
The dress code and your wedding hashtag, if you have one, can also go on the FAQ. And then you’ll want to think about some more specific things that might apply to your wedding in particular. I included “what will the weather be?” on mine, because I anticipated people being confused about Florida in February (the short answer, however, is we can’t know what the weather will be in Florida). At the very end of the FAQ, I included an open invitation to guests to ask me and my fiancée about any concerns they may have about traveling to Florida in its current political climate. That’s obviously very specific to my wedding, but I encourage you to think about those kinds of things when putting your FAQ page together. The day is about you and your partner, but you want your guests to feel safe and comfortable, too. How can you best serve that?
On the note of hashtags, your FAQ can also include any kind of social media “rules” you might have. Don’t want people to use their phones during the ceremony? Say that. Want people to wait 24 hours before posting so they can live in the moment? Let em know! My fiancée and I aren’t doing any strict social media rules, because we met on Twitter, so anything seems fair game at our wedding.
Accommodations
Technically optional, but I do think it’s nice to include a few potential options for hotels you recommend to your guests with notes about how close to the venue they are/what the best way to travel to the venue might be. I also included a list of recommended neighborhoods for folks looking to book an Airbnb and encouraged people to reach out to us with questions.
Things To Do and Eat
While this is optional, it is the number one thing I recommend when putting together your website (other than putting the time and date in multiple places). I spent the most time on this part of our website, and I have received so much positive feedback about it! I broke my list into categories of Activities and Restaurants + Bars. For activities, I included a mixture of genuinely fun touristy things as well as things my fiancée and I like to do together, like bowling and going to our independent movie theater. For each entry, I included a short blurb about why it’s fun. For the Restaurants + Bars section, I grouped things mainly by type and loosely by neighborhood. So coffee shops go together, along with brunch spots, dive bars, cocktail places, our favorite spots, etc. I also included a few splurgey options (and noted they’re more $$$ in the blurbs) in case people want to treat themselves while here.
Most of our guests are out of town guests, so it felt especially important to provide all these recommendations. It also just felt personal. My fiancée and I are hoping to show some of our guests who have never been to Orlando (or who only associate it with the theme parks) why we love it here so much. Sharing our favorite things to do and places to go feels like really welcoming them into our lives for the weekend.
If my guests decide to go off-book and go somewhere that turns out to be mediocre, I don’t want to hear about it!!!!!!!!!!!
Registry/Gifts
You can automatically add a registry to wedding websites so your guests can easily find where they’re supposed to go to get your gifts. But even if you’re not doing a traditional registry, you’ll want to include a tab for whatever it is you ARE doing and label it either “registry” or “gifts.” (If you’re not doing any gifts at all, then put that in your FAQ, because people WILL ask or buy you things you don’t ultimately need/want.)
For example, my fiancée and I are asking for cash donations only. Half of the contributions will go to our honeymoon fund, and the other half will go to Zebra Youth, an LGBTQ+ youth org in our city. We explain this on the website and include several ways for people to give money to the fund. We also specify on the website that we’re asking for contributions on a truly sliding scale basis and that no one should feel like they have to give.
Weekend Itinerary
In addition to the time and date displayed clearly on the homepage, you’ll want a more detailed schedule of events in a separate tab on the website. This can include your rehearsal dinner if you’re having one and any pre-wedding or post-wedding events. Even if those events are informal/unofficial, it’s good to include as much info as possible in case people are planning their travel around when people will be hanging out/doing wedding adjacent things. For example, while we’re forgoing the day-after-wedding brunch some people do (hello, we want everyone including ourselves to SLEEP IN), we have teased on our website a special outing the following evening for anyone who might still be in town…
Your Story
Optional (and in fact, we didn’t do this) but sweet! A lot of couples like to include their love story on their website. It’s cute! I love to read about love, especially queer love. I literally think the only reason my fiancée skipped this part is because we’ve told the story of how we met a million times? In fact, you can read about it right here on Autostraddle.
It might sound like a lot, but the more thorough your website is, especially when it comes to more personal aspects, the fewer questions you’ll get from guests later on when you really should be focusing on other aspects of planning! My recommendation is to set aside a few date nights with your partner where you work on the website but also do something nice, like going to a cafe to do it or having a glass of something sparkling. It doesn’t have to feel too much work if you mix it with pleasure.
You Need Help: I Was in a Relationship With Someone Who Didn’t Like Me
feature image photo by Mixmike via Getty Images
Q:
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like you? I think I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t really like me. I think they found me annoying or maybe they changed their mind and held things in…I don’t know, it went on much longer than it should have and I get these like flashes of memories of things she’s said or done and it still really hurts. She broke up with me in 2020 at the start of the lockdown and I still get these flashes of painful memories.
After the breakup, we each took some space but eventually tried friendship but I felt miserable and like a doormat when we were “friends” so I’ve asked for no contact. That was 2021.
Last week, I went ice-skating and saw her at the rink and I still feel so emotional. Does anybody have experience feeling angry with a person after the break up and the anger kind of growing? With a therapist and through journaling I keep finding new things to be upset about and now I’m in a place where I’m like wow I really let her off easy and I’m angry about that. Does anyone relate to taking forever to get over a person?
I really feel like she didn’t like me and I don’t feel like my friends understand because she’s so nice to them but it was different in our relationship. Idk. I feel like an idiot for trying to be friends and I hate how angry I feel when I see her, especially when I see her having a good time. I feel pathetic! I’m hoping other people can share similar experiences and what’s helped them.
A:
I’ve been where you are right now, and I’ve also been where (it seems like) your ex is. First things first: FEEL YOUR FEELINGS, and don’t feel bad about them. And don’t feel bad about not feeling bad about them. It sounds like you’re almost feeling guilty about being angry. As a person who was culturally raised to feel shame around anger, I totally get this. It can take me years before I realize I was wronged or something somewhat traumatic or unjust happened to me. I’m still processing a relationship from 2019! According to the many therapists I’ve held over the course of the past five years, we can only begin to process the deeper, more painful feelings once our bodies feel safe. It makes a lot of sense that you’re still mulling over the relationship. You’re finally in a place where you can take a step back from being in the intensity of the relationship.
The fact that you’re even processing in the first place tells me you’re not being pathetic have a right to be upset. You’re saying you felt hurt by them and that many moments of the relationship felt painful. You can’t blame yourself for staying in something you couldn’t see at the moment. When you tried to hold onto something you felt such real feelings for, you “felt like a doormat.” That’s not okay! That alone is something you should be mad about! Even though it’s felt like an eternity since the relationship, you’re only just now seeing the whole picture for what it was at the time. You’re learning new information you didn’t have access to before. Healing and grieving never have a timeline. It’s taken me one week to get over relationships, while it’s taken me almost a decade to get over someone I never even dated. The healing process is unique because all our wounds and vulnerabilities are all so different. If I were in your position right now, I would definitely feel upset by the resurgence of so not-so-fun feelings after I thought I gained closure with it.
Eventually, most people breaking off relationships end up with some hostility or resentment. Right now, you’re feeling a bit of that toward them. What’s more confusing for you is that they possibly didn’t like you while in the relationship, even before things started to turn sour. I can really only take guesses as to why this might be.
I’m ashamed to admit I’ve been this person in the relationship, and more than once. It was never something I was cognizant of at the moment, but months or years later, I reflect back and think about how I really didn’t like this person. I amount a lot of this to codependency and trauma-bonding. My very first girlfriend literally provided me housing and food in return for my emotional stability. We had many other toxic quid-pro-quo dynamics, but eventually I grew to resent her, because I felt like I was responsible for her emotional wellbeing. Part of it, at least for me, was also the idealization of the person that only falls flat when the honeymoon phase passes. It’s not uncommon to see relationships where one person puts the other on a pedestal or wears rose colored glasses. Only time reveals the truth of complicated dynamics and incompatibility. When this begins to happen, infatuation can switch to restatement quickly. It’s like that saying about how the line between love and hate is thin. I’m not saying it’s any excuse, but rather another perspective.
I can’t tell you why your ex may or may not have liked you. You might not even be able to discern that. You two started dating for some reason, and it ended for a reason as well. Maybe this person needed something from you at the time? Maybe they were looking for one type of relationship and ended up in another? Maybe they were still figuring themselves out and dragged you along for the ride? Maybe they were really into you and pulled away out of fear and insecurity? Maybe they were drawn to a thing in you that they hate in themselves? Relationships and attachments are messy, and until we learn to heal ourselves, we sometimes end up trying to get involved with someone who we think could heal us instead.
I don’t know the reason they may have disliked you, and it sounds like you might not even know the reason. What I would encourage you to do now is reflect on the reason this is important to you. More broadly, what would you need to find closure? Some people can get that simply by doing the internal work, while others need to hash it out with the person they were entangled with. Only you will have a better idea of what you need. Just know that moving forward you’re completely valid in your post-breakup feelings, no matter how long ago it was.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Asking My Fiancée Questions I Don’t Know the Answers to a Month Before Our Wedding
I’m marrying the love of my life, Kristen Arnett, next month! We’ve checked so many things off our list over the past year in anticipation of the big day. We found a queer wedding photographer! I found not one but two outfits for the big night, because I can’t resist a costume change at a major event. We got Kristen a custom suit made by a queer tailor. We figured out a color scheme, did a photoshoot on the beach for our invitations, and put a lot of energy behind menu brainstorming with our caterer. Along the way, we found ways to make planing a wedding sexy.
Surely in our past nearly five years of knowing each other, Kristen and I have uncovered a lot about each other’s lives, interests, fears, etc. We’ve told and retold each other the same stories, the same jokes, developed many stories and jokes that our ours, together. We lived under lockdown in a city where we knew almost no one in early 2020. We moved to another city where we knew almost no one, and then we moved to the place she has always called home. We’ve been through a lot. We’re naturally curious people as writers. And yet, there are always things you don’t know about a person, right? That’s the basis of 90% of the horror I write.
Not exactly in the spirit of horror but rather in the spirit of comedy, I thought it would be fun to ask Kristen a series of questions to which I genuinely did not know how she might answer. By the end, I still very much wanted to be her wife, so nothing was TOO earth shatterringly shocking!!!!
Kayla: Hello. I’m going to ask you questions that I don’t know the answers to.
Kristen: I doubt it.
Kayla: Maybe I’ll ask some and it’ll turn out I do know the answers.
Kristen: I bet you will.
Kayla: But I’m sure there’s plenty of things I don’t know about you.
Kristen: Mystery.
Kayla: Mystery. Okay. One, what’s the first work of fiction you can remember writing as a child?
Kristen: Baby-Sitters Club. I was at church. We had church bulletins where you were supposed to write down… Did I tell you this already?
Kayla: No, I’m nodding because I used to remember writing on my church bulletins.
Kristen: There was a section that was filled out for where you’re supposed to write down notes about the sermon. And in the sermon part, there’s lines inside the bulletin where I could write down my thoughts about our Lord and Savior. I wrote a Baby-Sitters Club, let’s call it a fan fiction, but I was in it.
Kayla: Ooh. self-insert.
Kristen: Self-insert. I was one of them. It was like, you know how all the Babysitter’s clubs are like, “Kristy on the blah, blah. Mary Anne on the blah, blah.” This was like, “Kristen…” And I remember there was something about tennis balls in it. I don’t remember why.
Kayla: Just the balls?
Kristen: I mean, and children, you’re babysitting. And then I was just like, “Hah-hah-hah,” that I wrote myself in, and there’s only so many lines you can work with in a bulletin. And then I was going down the sides of it and around. But that’s the first work of incredible fiction I can remember writing.
Kayla: Did you get in trouble for not writing about the Lord?
Kristen: I was never supposed to be writing in church, because everyone knew I wasn’t writing about the Lord. My dad was always mad at me. My mom was up in the choir loft all the time, but I was always down sitting next to him and my brother Michael. My sister Rachel was a lot younger than us, so she got to leave and go be with the little kids. But we had to stay and fix our minds. And if I was writing something, my dad knew that I was not writing about the Lord.
Kayla: You could have been writing Bible self-insert.
Kristen: No. He basically thought I was trying to write a note to a friend or something, but that time I was writing a little self-insert story. Hold on. I got to take this thing from the cat. It’s a piece of tinsel. Here we go.
Kayla: So you wrote a book called With Teeth. Can you remember the first time you lost a tooth?
Kristen: Yes.
Kayla: And what happened? That’s it on that story?
Kristen: A lot of these are going to be church stories, I realize.
Kayla: Wow. I guess, yeah. Because I realized I really had to go back in time for things I don’t know the answers to.
Kristen: My friend Bethany was coming over after church on Sunday and we kept doing that thing, no one’s going to know what this is, but it was this old hero villain thing where it’s a little lady being like, “I can’t pay the rent.” And then a villain saying, “You must pay the rent.” And the lady going, “I can’t pay the rent.” And then the landlord being like, “You must pay the rent.” And then a guy comes in, he’s like, “I’ll pay the rent.” And she goes, “My hero.” And I was doing that in the back seat of the car with my best friend Bethany, who was coming over to stay with us after church so we then would bring her back to church that night to her parents. So she was coming for the day to hang out and have lunch. And my tooth had been wiggly. And I kept joking around and shouting in the car, “My tooth fell out, my tooth fell out.” And people were like, “Oh, did it?” And I’m like, “No. Gotcha.”
Kayla: Classic.
Kristen: Classic prank. And then I got to my grandparents’ house, and my tooth actually fell out in my mouth and I was like, “My tooth fell out,” and no one believed me because I had done boy who cried wolf about my tooth falling out that many times.
Kayla: That was a better story than I was anticipating.
Kristen: It is what it is. It’s my life, Kayla. This is my life.
Kayla: Did you ever have an imaginary friend?
Kristen: No, I really tried. That was a thing I really wanted because I thought it’d be cool. I didn’t have a ton of friends all the time when I was young. The first time I can remember trying to have an imaginary friend, I believe was in fifth grade, which I think is too old to have an imaginary friend. It might have been fourth or fifth grade. Maybe fourth grade. It was-
Kayla: I guess, I’m curious, how do you fail at having an imaginary friend?
Kristen: Because I was like, “This isn’t real.”
Kayla: Oh, okay. You didn’t believe enough.
Kristen: It’s hard when you’re a Christian and you’re already trying to imagine that God is real and you can’t do that.
Kayla: So is God not your first imaginary friend?
Kristen: No, because God scared me. I was like, “That’s not my friend.”
Kayla: Yeah, I guess that’s true.
Kristen: That’s my boss. And I’m not doing a good job. I’m going to get fired.
Kayla: Like your corporeal landlord.
Kristen: Yeah, I’m going to get fired or evicted. So in fourth grade, I think, there was this television show, which I know I’ve talked to you about, that I think is one of the horniest shows that was ever on television, and it was on TGIF. It’s called Just the Ten of Us. It was about a family that had a bunch of teenage daughters that were all hot and horny, and then they’re like, oh no, we have to go attend an all-boys school because our dad is the basketball coach. And I was expected to watch that and not turn gay. Honestly, it’s like, what did they expect? If anything was going to turn somebody gay, it’d be watching that fucking show.
So I was like, “I’d really love to have an imaginary friend.” And I am trying to imagine the two twins who are on that show, the teenage girls named Cindy and Wendy. And I tried to imagine one of them was my friend, and I thought maybe Cindy, because she was the smart one. She was the smart blonde and her twin sister Wendy… No, Wendy was the smart one. Cindy was the dumb one. But I was like, “I’m going to imagine that Wendy is my friend.” But then I was like, “This isn’t real. That’s not a real imaginary friend.”
So first one, my Lord, but not really, that’s my landlord.
Kayla: When you were in sixth grade, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Kristen: A lyricist.
Kayla: I knew this one. I forgot. I knew this one.
Kristen: My friend at church wanted to be a singer. And to be fair, to bring the petty into things, I did not think she was a very good singer and I did not think she was going to make it, but I knew I did not want to be a singer. I could sing, but I was like, “Ugh, I don’t want to do that. That seems terrible. But you know what I would like to do? I could write the lyrics. I could be a lyricist and then I could write the music that you sing.” Did I ever write a song? No, not a single line. Not a single time, but I was like, “I could be a lyricist.”
Kayla: Yeah. Not a composer, but just-
Kristen: Classic Sagittarius.
Kayla: I don’t know if I know the answer to this one. What was your first word?
Kristen: Oh, I don’t think I know that.
Kayla: Oh, okay. Mystery.
Kristen: Mystery. Yeah, I don’t know that.
Kayla: What’s the highest note you can hit when singing?
Kristen: Not that high.
Kayla: Do you know off the top… Or do you know what it was when you were more actively in choir?
Kristen: I was never asked to do descant. I was like-
Kayla: You were a soprano though, right?
Kristen: No, I was not a soprano.
Kayla: That’s right.
Kristen: I started off in high school as an alto II, and I was not an alto II, which is basically a tenor I if we’re being honest. That’s the nerdiest thing I’ll say this whole time. But then I moved to alto I, and alto I was more comfortably in my range because that’s some middle low notes and then some notes that are basically feeding into second soprano. But I don’t think I could have been a second soprano because second soprano, they ask you to do a lot of that mid-range high stuff and that’s just not where my voice wants to sit.
The cat is crying. He wants to show me up and I think that’s rude.
Kayla: I hope the recording picked that up.
*Timmy Tomato the cat yowls in background*
Kristen: Oh my God.
Kayla: Who is your first crush? Like a real person?
Kristen: Crystal Gayle.
Kayla: What a name.
Kristen: That’s right, you don’t know who Crystal Gayle is. When I was, I think maybe even before I was in school, I know I’ve told you this before maybe, but the first time I got a haircut, they were like, “What do you want your hair to get cut like?” And I said, “Cut my hair like Crystal Gayle,” meaning I wanted my hair to get cut and add more hair onto it.
Kayla: You wanted it longer.
Kristen: Because Crystal Gayle had hair to the floor. She was a country singer who had hair down to the floor. It was long hair, and I wanted to have long, luxurious hair. And what did I have? I had short little hair that I would rip out of my own head because if my mom put a barrette or something, I would yank it out with all the hair still in it because I didn’t want a barrette in my hair.
Kayla: So you wanted a haircut that actually elongated your hair?
Kristen: Yes. I wanted to cut hair onto it, but I thought Crystal Gayle was beautiful because she had beautiful long hair.
Kayla: Okay. This will be a little burst of lightning round.
Kristen: Oh God.
Kayla: Have you ever called someone the wrong name during sex?
Kristen: No.
Kayla: Have you ever seen a moose?
Kristen: On TV?
Kayla: No. In person.
Kristen: No.
Kayla: Have you ever seen a mongoose?
Kristen: On TV?
Kayla: No.
Kristen: No.
Kayla: Do you know any facts about mongeese?
Kristen: What’s a mongeese?
Kayla: Isn’t that plural? Mongooses?
Kristen: I think just mongoose.
Kayla: Do you know any facts about mongooses?
Kristen: No.
Kayla: Have you ever gone on a date with a Republican?
Kristen: If I did, it was accidentally.
Kayla: Have you ever lied to someone on an airplane?
Kristen: Yes.
Kayla: Oh, wait, now I do want to know a follow-up. Can you think of a particular instance?
Kristen: No. Just a million times.
Kayla: Just a million times.
Kristen: You’re not going to see those people again! It wasn’t anything that mattered. You could just tell a little white lie.
Kayla: Would you rather have brain freeze or hit your funny bone?
Kristen: Funny bone. Brain freeze happens too much in Florida. Drink a lot of Slurpees or whatever, have an ice cream, something cold here, it hits you worse.
Kayla: Have you ever seen the movie Doubt?
Kristen: No. I read the whole plot synopsis on Wikipedia.
Kayla: You love to do that.
Kristen: I love to do that.
Kayla: That is something I know. Oh, this is not a yes or no question. When was the first time you went to a sex shop?
Kristen: I was 19.
Kayla: Wow.
Kristen: My kid was three months old. I went to the sex store as a-
Kayla: A teen mom.
Kristen: Yeah. It was overwhelming.
Kayla: I bet.
Kristen: There were a lot of signs up that were like with people’s faces on them.
Kayla: Who?
Kristen: Because if you shoplifted there, they put your face on something. It was just a lot of weird looking dudes.
Kayla: That’s a funny thing to remember though.
Kristen: But then I started to have this worry about what if I stole something? What if my face went on something.
Kayla: By accident?
Kristen: I don’t know. It’s one of those things where you just start freaking out, and I was like, “Oh my God, my face could be on here,” but you have to steal to do that. And I didn’t steal anything.
Kayla: Did you buy anything or did you just look around and get overwhelmed?
Kristen: I looked around and got overwhelmed. I also did not have any money, so.
Kayla: You could have stolen something.
Kristen: I should’ve. No, I was afraid for my life.
Kayla: What was your first screen name? Like AIM.
Kristen: Oh, I can’t reveal that.
Kayla: You can’t reveal it?
Kristen: No.
Kayla: Is it like an embarrassing fandom thing?
Kristen: No, it’s not.
Kayla: Can you tell me after?
Kristen: Yes.
Kayla: Okay.
Kristen: Don’t include that one.
Kayla: Well, I’m going to include that exchange that we just had. Did you ever own any of My Little Ponies?
Kristen: A million My Little Ponies. I had one called Strawberry Shortcake, and she was my favorite. She was white and she had strawberries, red, red strawberries that went all down her…hindquarters. That sounds wild and just very sexual. And she had shiny red hair. And I loved her. She was my favorite of my regular sized ponies. And then my other favorites, I had twins that were called Buttercup and something else, and they were a little pale yellow, and they had purple hair, and they were twin baby ponies. And I was like, “That’s the mom and those are the babies.”
Kayla: The hindquarters.
Kristen: I’m sorry I said that so sexually.
Kayla: Did you ever own a duct tape wallet?
Kristen: No. My brother had one though.
Kayla: I’m kind of surprised.
Kristen: Some of the things of my gayness were like, I didn’t have to do that, my brother did it, it’s fine.
Kayla: Gotcha. Did you ever have a Yahoo account?
Kristen: Yes.
Kayla: Did you ever answer a question on Yahoo Answers?
Kristen: I’m sure that I did, but I shouldn’t have. I’m sure I didn’t know.
Kayla: Did you ever ask a question on Yahoo Answers?
Kristen: I did not ask any questions.
Kayla: Have you ever had a sexual dream about Jeeves of Ask Jeeves?
Kristen: No. Jeeves of Ask Jeeves seems a little like a top.
Kayla: Yeah, that’s probably true.
Kristen: Oh, he’s a little too condescending in that kind of way where I’m like, “I don’t need that.”
Kayla: Not interested.
Kristen: Not interested.
Kayla: What is your social security number?
Kristen: That’s on you if you don’t know. The cat is screaming. He’s telling me not to answer.
Kayla: Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?
Kristen: Yes. My first time riding on the back of a motorcycle was when I was six.
Kayla: I kind of had a feeling you had, but I didn’t actually know the answer. I was just like, this just seems like something-
Kristen: The cat is caterwauling.
Kayla: But six years old though?
Kristen: My dad had a motorcycle.
Kayla: Oh, I didn’t know that.
Kristen: And he rode us around the house we were in that was next to the topless bar. He rode us all around it, and then he rode my brother, and I was on the back of the motorcycle, not in a helmet or anything. I was holding onto my dad’s back on the back of the motorcycle.
That same day or not, if it wasn’t that same day, that same weekend, my brother and my dad had peed outside and I was like, “I’m going to pee outside.” So then I tried to pee outside and I pulled my pants down. I just peed all over my pants.
Kayla: I also did not know that story.
Kristen: And then I just shoved those in the laundry.
Kayla: But I love that you were like, “Well, they did it, so I’m going to do it.”
Kristen: That’s what you do when you have to ride on a motorcycle, you got to take a little whiz. I was like, “I whizzed all over myself. Oh no.” I was behind the house. I was outside the house and then just peed all over my pants.
Kayla: Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Kristen: Oh, I came in so close. I misspelled scissor.
Kayla: Oh, right. We’ve talked about this because I misspelled scissor on a spelling test.
Kristen: That was in third grade, and I had depression in third grade.
Kayla: Yeah, I did know that.
Kristen: So then I misspelled scissor and freaked out. Everybody else went to something, and I was like, “I’m going to stay behind.” And then I glued a note to my desk saying that I was the stupidest person. I glued it to my desk, and then I cried. My teacher came in, and then I had to go to therapy at school.
Kayla: I knew about the note glued to the desk, but I don’t think I knew it was a result of a failed spelling bee.
Kristen: Those things were all connected. Third grade was a tough year.
Kayla: Yes.
Kristen: Third grade was a tough year for me.
Kayla: How did you use to kill your Sim in the Sims?
Kristen: I never played Sims.
Kayla: I can’t remember if I knew that or not. It seems like a shocking fact. What’s your-
Kristen: I was too busy having a child, Kayla.
Kayla: Okay. That’s true.
Kristen: Some of us had to raise our own Sims. They were real people.
Kayla: The ultimate Sim. A baby.
Kristen: You can’t just let them be like, “I need to pee. I need to pee.” You have to let them go to the bathroom.
Kayla: You have to give them a ladder if you give them a pool. What’s your favorite city that we’ve traveled together to?
Kristen: Oh, I like so many.
Kayla: I know.
Kristen: Can I name a couple?
Kayla: Sure.
Kristen: I’ve really loved Chicago. Chicago’s so fun, and I really liked it. Portland, Maine. It’s been a lot of fun. I didn’t really have a feeling about New York, one way or the other, until you and I started dating, and now I really like going there. I liked going to Pacific Northwest with you. That was a good time.
Kayla: Yeah. We’ve been to a lot of places.
Kristen: Seattle.
Kayla: That’s why I was like, “I don’t know her answer to this question, because we’ve been so many places.”
Kristen: Yeah. And I like when we go to North Carolina together because that’s a thing I did as a child, but now when you and I do it, it feels special.
Kayla: That’s something I really like, because I’d never really spent any time there, especially that part of North Carolina where it’s almost Georgia.
Kristen: Yeah. What is it? Western, Southern?
Kayla: It’s not that far from where I grew up.
Kristen: Yeah, I’ve had a lot of fun with that.
Kayla: What’s something you thought about me early on that turned out not to be true? If you can think of anything. Either before we even met in person or even just before we didn’t know each other that well.
Kristen: I thought you might be a little mean.
Kayla: You thought I might be mean? From my social media persona?
Kristen: No, you just were kind of like a hotness that I thought maybe you’d be a little mean.
Kayla: Yeah, I can be petty, but not really mean.
Kristen: No, you’re nice.
Kayla: Yeah.
Kristen: Complimentary.
Kayla: Have you ever accidentally eaten expired ham?
Kristen: I’m sure that I have.
Kayla: I think you would remember. I have. And I’ll never get the taste out of my mind.
Kristen: I’m sure I’ll do it again in the future.
Kayla: It tasted like nail polish remover.
Kristen: Oh, okay.
Kayla: It’s pretty bad. Tell me something I don’t know about library work, and it can even be boring.
Kristen: That so many people who work in libraries don’t know anything about books.
Kayla: Oh, yeah. That’s interesting.
Kristen: Myself not included. I just shouted that.
Kayla: There’s this assumption that if you work in libraries, you’re a bookworm.
Kristen: Or that you’re a reader or something like that. And it was like, that’s maybe not true. I’ll never forget working one time and having a librarian be like, “Oh, what are you reading right now?” And I was reading something for school that time because I was taking night classes and I was taking that Faulkner class. So I was like, “Oh, I’m reading this Faulkner book..” And she was like, “Oh, who’s that? What’s that?” And I was like, “Wow. Wow, wow.” You can be a whole ass librarian with a master’s degree and you don’t have to know shit about books. Although, I will say this, you should.
Kayla: It does seem kind of important.
Kristen: I had a whole fight with somebody who was a librarian at the time, and I was still just working staff, and they argued with me for close to 20 minutes about what day Christmas Eve was. We straight up have Google for any of those issues.
Kayla: Yeah.
Kristen: So yeah, there’s plenty of people that work in libraries that maybe don’t know anything, but not me. I’m a genius.
Kayla: Gay and literate.
Kristen: Yeah.
Kayla: If you could have any skills that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?
Kristen: Time management.
Kayla: What?! That’s not what I was expecting. I thought you were going to be like sword fighting, welding.
Kristen: I can do either of those. What I can’t do is time management.
Kayla: Well, that is something I know about you.
How To Set the Dress Code for Your Queer Wedding
If you’ve ever frantically googled something along the lines of “cocktail attire???” or “what the fuck is evening wear” or “wedding dress codes explainer,” you are not alone. I was raised in an environment in which one might assume I understand the various nuances of dress codes. Hell, I was forced to do cotillion!!!!!!!! And yet, I am pretty clueless when it comes to these stringent attire rules, which is especially frustrating because I have a lot of anxiety about underdressing for events (and would almost always prefer to overdress!). I think it’s safe to say dress codes, like a lot of etiquette rules made a billion years ago by (probably) straight people, are outdated and often even discriminatory, especially when it comes to gender. (While we’re getting into it: Dress codes implemented at restaurants are also often employed with racist and/or classist motives.)
When it comes to weddings and other similar formal events, dress codes are expected. But sometimes I think even people specifying a dress code don’t really know what they mean! I went to a wedding that specified cocktail attire and turned out to be the most overdressed person there. It was partially a misfire of my own, partially a misdirection on the part of the specified dress code. And look, it wasn’t disastrous — like I said, I’d prefer to overdress anyway, because I’m a showy Gemini who never minds a bevy of compliments. But my lifelong frustration with dress codes meant I was faced with a specific dilemma when planning my own wedding. Would it have a dress code, and if so, how would I communicate it? Here’s a bit of advice I have based on my own wedding planning that might help if you’re also stuck on how to devise and articulate your queer wedding dress codes.
Do you HAVE to have a wedding dress code?
Technically, I think the answer to this is no. I think especially when planning a queer wedding, we have free rein to blow up any rules we don’t vibe with. Don’t want a dress code? No problem. Just don’t provide one when you send out invitations.
I WILL say the one setback with this route is that you are almost 100% guaranteed to receive questions about the dress code. In fact, I am probably one of those people who would ask about a dress code if one isn’t specified! For starters, these sorts of social “rules” are just ingrained in us. But also, it’s understandable that some people might only feel comfortable if they know ahead of time what the general level of casual vs. formal the event will be.
If you don’t want to do a dress code, then I think the best way to avoid an avalanche of inquiries would be to include something about it on the FAQ page of your website. You can say something along the lines of “we just want people to dress comfortably or however they feel best” or something to that effect. But also, at this point, if you’re already having to give guidance, you might as well…develop a dress code. BUT, you don’t have to just stick to the usual heteronormative categories like “black tie” or vague things like “dressy casual,” which brings me to what I think is the best way to do wedding dress codes for specifically queer weddings…
Make your wedding dress code specific, detailed, creative, and FUN!
Yes, we are queering dress codes! We are giving directions that don’t rely on gendered expectations or fussy distinctions between words that all just sort of sound the same (what IS the difference between semi-formal and dressy casual?!). I first realized dress codes can be expansive if you want them to be when listening to a podcast where the hosts shared about going to a gay wedding where the dress code was DRAMA. Drama! Now that’s a dress code I can get behind.
When it came to envisioning the overall vibe and look of my own wedding, I wasn’t fixated so much on how formal/not formal my guests would be. I mostly just wanted to avoid a sea of black and navy. I recently went to a specifically GAY awards ceremony in New York, and almost everyone was in black and navy! At a formal GAY event!!!! I wore what I thought was a very boring, simple dress, but because it was hot pink, I got a MILLION COMPLIMENTS. For doing the bare minimum of wearing color!
My fiancée and I agreed early on that we want our wedding to feel like a big gay party. I wanted to encourage this overall vibe by supplying a wildly specific and over-the-top dress code so people would really understand this isn’t a stuffy event or one to merely adhere to wedding palette trends for. I wanted color; I wanted patterns; I wanted glitter, sequins, pizazz.
The dress code my fiancée invented for the wedding was PEACOCK OUT. This was fitting on several levels: We’re incorporating peacock colors and decor in our wedding design, because we’re getting married in Winter Park, Florida, where peacocks are a significant symbol, as well as a way of incorporating some of my Indian heritage in the event. And PEACOCK OUT gets the message across: We want people to SHOW OFF their wedding looks.
Of course, we couldn’t just slap PEACOCK OUT on something and call it a day. The best dress codes are the ones that require a paragraph of detail. So this is the language I ended up putting on our website:
Peacock Out! We want our guests to be colorful, glamorous, and fun with their looks! Color! Sparkles! Patterns! If you feel like it’s “too much,” it’s JUST RIGHT. This is a GAY WEDDING. Bring the fashion and drama! If in doubt, text us your look 👀
I’ve stressed to multiple inquiring guests worried their looks are indeed “too much” that there is simply no way to outdo me. I’m going full desi bride with my first look of the evening (yes, I have two), so I’ll be decked out in costume jewelry, shiny embroidery, tassels, and color! No plain white dress to be found! There’s literally no way to outdo me, and if someone tries, hell I can’t be mad because it’ll be impressive.
If you want to go the creative dress code route, basically just envision how you’d like the overall vibe of your wedding to look and feel and go from there. Want to have an ethereal, almost witchy vibe? Tell people the dress code is COVEN CHIC. Want a floral-filled pastel dreamland? Tell people the dress code is GARDEN TEA PARTY. You’re welcome to steal my dress code! Or go with DRAMA, which I still think is an iconic choice. Of course, you’ll want to expand upon what you mean on your website or by some other means of communication, but don’t feel like you’re burdening people by providing them with a LOT of details about what to wear! People like a genuinely interesting prompt way more than vague and outdate terminology.
Your wedding should look and feel like you. A personalized dress code is the perfect way to inject a bit of yourself, your weirdness, and your style into the big day.
We Asked a Bunch of Queer People To Share Their Go-To Breakup Coping Mechanisms
feature image photo by We Are via Getty Images
I am no stranger to breakup coping mechanisms that might be classified as “unhealthy” at best and “unhinged” at worst. In fact, I once wrote about 30 unhinged post-breakup activities I partook in during the aftermath of my last major breakup. These included a “72-hour bender of playing the Sims” as well as watching “so much goddamn reality television that the seams of reality start to unravel.”
So, it is with ABSOLUTELY ZERO JUDGMENT that I present the following 72 go-to breakup coping mechanisms sent in to Autostraddle’s Instagram. Gays really do love three things: 1. Their friends 2. Sad music and 3. Therapy.
Queer People Share Their Go-To Breakup Coping Mechanisms
1. Re-downloading Tinder and reminding myself I’m hot
2. Briefly installing Tinder to just uninstall 5min later
3. Tinder and bad decisions
4. Re-downloading Grindr
5. Being a bisexual menace in the dating pool
6. Hookups
7. Watching Juno three times in one afternoon and shaving my head
8. Writing an email that I’ll never send
9. Writing down the things I would’ve texted or talked to them about. Delete when ready
10. Listening to Be Steadwell’s breakup album on loop
11. BDSM
12. Haircutting, playlist making, country leaving
13. Bangs!
14. Leaving the country for a while
15. A lil edible, a lot of trash tv, and buying too many things for my cat who won’t reject my love
16. Applying to jobs in Antarctica. Not joking.
17. Getting good head
18. Skipping rocks
19. Therapy
20. Therapy
21. Going to therapy
22. More therapy
23. Enrolling in therapy immediately
24. Meditating and therapy
25. Going no contact immediately
26. Block, block, block
27. Checking her “Recently played artists” on Spotify to see if she’s thinking of me
28. Texting a different ex
29. Rewatching Grey’s Anatomy
30. Rewatching The L Word
31. Rewatching the Willow and Tara seasons of Buffy
32. Watching The Thing
33. Studio Ghibli movie marathon
34. Getting very invested in a time-consuming new hobby
35. Making Sapphic art
36. Alternating between my erratic playlist and my crying playlist and then going to every queer bar event
37. Quitting my social media for a year
38. Pretending I wasn’t even that into her + ice cream
39. Eating Neapolitan ice cream and listening to jazz
40. The X-Files and Crossfit
41. Drinks and casual sex
42. A new relationship
43. Getting a classic DIY haircut and dye job
44. Moving to a different country worked like a charm
45. Moving two towns over
46. Running while listening to the saddest songs ever
47. Sad music
48. So much sad music
49. Singing in the shower
50. Crying and/or headbanging to queer breakup music
51. Writing songs
52. Writing songs to get the mad out and then writing songs to get the sad out
53. Buying a new throw blanket from Ikea
54. Friends
55. Calling my friends
56. Hanging out with friends
57. Kissing my friends
58. Crying to friend who will give me advice they defs don’t follow that I probably gave them
59. Flying home and crying on my best friend’s couch
60. Tacos! Lots of tacos!
61. Finding a new piece of queer media to obsess over so I can feel my feelings
62. Music. Friends. Dance. Sex.
63. One night standssssssssssss
64. Rooooooad triiiiiiiiip
65. Getting with the ex of my ex
66. Going OUT AND ABOUT to all the gay bars and events
67. Mainlining queer fanfic
68. Crying while driving on the Blue Ridge Parkway
69. Journaling in the library and volunteering
70. Joining a queer rec league (thanks soccer!!!)
71. Reading every article in the breakup section of Autostraddle
72. I don’t know please help me
Things I Do To Feel Submissive Even Though My Partner Isn’t Super Dominant
I want to lie back and take instruction. I want my partner to nudge me toward their pleasure. Hearing and knowing my partner is happy makes me happy. It even extends to my day-to-day behaviors and life. Some people have a submissive streak. But me? I am the submissive streak.
But my girlfriend isn’t dominant.
Growing into unexpected changes
Okay, so that opening may have read like kinky short-form horror. Which, now that I think about it, should be a thing. However, it’s not a horror story. It’s just an ordinary day in my intensely loving five-year relationship with my girlfriend, Lucy. We’re what I call a same-role or same sexual modality relationship. We both have sexual leanings that would typically be served by someone with the opposite leaning. In our case, we’re submissive. Typically, we’d seek out a dominant counterpart.
But, life doesn’t always go that way. Our relationship began heteronormatively. We were a heterosexual couple. My sex drive was spontaneous, and hers was responsive. I took the lead in our sex life. Despite good appearances, wearing some guy’s skin grew more tiresome with each passing day. I transitioned in 2020, and we kept the relationship. Even so, transitions mean change. I shed the assertive mask I’d worn my whole life and became a softer person.
Same-role relationships are not impossible
This left Lucy and I in an unusual position. My interest in initiating sex became one of the only casualties of transition. We spent long nights talking about the changing nature of our relationship. Our support for each other was unfaltering: It was always us vs. a problem and never me vs. you. We just needed common ground to work from.
The first sign came from her end when Lucy noticed she didn’t mind a downswing in sex. Her sex drive is responsive and goes into comfortable hibernation if nobody initiates. My sex drive had done something similar. The common ground we found was that neither of us saw the act of sex as a prerequisite for happiness. What we needed was a space to be intimate and express ourselves sexually. Sex with each other was a vehicle for that.
That was the breakthrough that saved our sex life. We didn’t need to have sex very often. We just needed to know that our sexuality and desires were respected. For her part, she started using her open relationship privileges to meet her needs. Getting a man to fuck my girlfriend is man’s work, and these sapphics aren’t afraid to outsource.
Being submissive without a dominant partner
For Lucy, the occasional night away with another partner or a threesome can satisfy her appetite. My desires work differently. I want to feel submissive on a regular basis — sex optional. The usual suggestion here would be to find someone dominant to complement you! Not a bad idea, but consider this: I’m a skittish, neurodivergent thing who is slow to trust and even slower to text.
My solution? Be a strong, independent submissive who is her own domme.
This is how I do it.
1. I don’t walk ahead of her.
I always walk a step behind Lucy or alongside her. I try not to ‘lead’. This maintains my comfortable following mindset and keeps my person in sight at all times. The main con is that I can be super useless about directions.
2. I collared myself.
Collaring is a big deal in BDSM. It represents willfully given authority over someone’s body. It’s a visible reminder of a relationship’s kinky values and achievements. It’s comforting. All of those values (and more!) fit me perfectly. Rather than subjecting my non-dominant girlfriend to the uncomfortable act of collaring me, I did it for myself. My collar is my love letter to me about my responsibilities of self-care and growth. It’s also very comfy. This is where ‘being my own domme’ got literal.
3. I do the little things.
I do things for her at every opportunity. I give her post-gym back massages with a home-mixed oil. I serve her meals first (partly because I can’t take hot food). I run her errands. I do anything in my power to make her life a bit easier.
4. She can touch as she pleases.
I want to make my body available to my partners. I don’t give access to it lightly, but Lucy has more than earned the right. She’s fully aware of the fact that she can touch me anywhere, anytime. This may conjure up images of a raunchy anything-goes fantasy, but remember that we’re both pretty chill people. The benign reality mostly involves boob-grabs and a butt touch as I walk past. It works just fine to make me feel desired.
Making space in a relationship
Relationships are about making reasonable compromises. I completely understand if a person needs sex to feel fulfilled. However, there’s room for ‘incompatibilities’ if we find mutually supportive ways to manage them. No person could fit my every need perfectly. That would be a hyper-dependent robot, not a complete and complex person. People come with hits and misses and, in the face of a survivable miss, I’ve made space for my desires within our loving relationship. Our relationship doesn’t have to end because our sexual interests don’t align.
You know what would end it? If one of us became a morning person.
You Need Help: I’m Not Sure I Want To Be Friends With My Ex
Q:
Hi there,
I’ve been feeling pretty guilty, because I know us queer people pride ourselves on becoming friends with our exes…but I’m not sure I’m interested in this specific relationship without the intimacy of dating.
So I started dating this person last summer, and we had a pretty great time with it. I felt like we were moving not too fast, not too slow. But also, we were having a lot of sex; not to often, but enough that it shaped the relationship. I liked getting to know them but I have to admit that the physical intimacy (it’s been pretty rare in my life) was a good part of it, and there were a lot of great convos around sex.
Over a month ago, they came to me and said they didn’t want to have sex anymore, and to sum it up, wanted to start being friends (we were never really friends in the first place). It was not necessarily easy for me, but I wanted to respect their decision and give friendship a shot, so we kept spending a lot of time together, sleeping (actually sleeping) together and doing all sorts of activities. The problem is that recently I’ve realised it wasn’t working out for me. I still feel that I want something romantic with them, and I can’t seem to be satisfied with being friends. Also I’ve realized this person seems to mostly show their vulnerability during sex and is very hard to access emotionally outside of it. I feel disconnected from them and mostly sad, sometimes frustrated. I’ve tried to talk to them about it but they kept saying that they didn’t think about it, and everything felt fine.
I don’t know if this a good idea to keep trying, or is it okay to recognize that we worked as lovers but not as friends…or should I just take some distance and see how things change?
A:
Queer culture all around us tells us we can be friends with our exes. For some people, this transition from whatever it was (romantic, sexual, etc.) to friends is pretty simple. That has never been the case for me, and I’m here to assure you that you don’t need to be friends with your ex. I’m not friends with a single one of my exes. While I admit that sometimes I’m jealous of folks who can stay platonically close to people they’ve dated, I look back on how all my relationships ended and can rest in knowing that person is out of my life for a reason. I realize my opinion is in the minority, but I’ll always stand behind folks who want to end relationships for good.
It’s particularly difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you have feelings for or someone whose intentions are mismatched from yours. From how you’re describing the nature of your relationship, it sounds like you had a great sexual connection. You found someone you had natural chemistry with and could talk to about any sex questions. I might be off base here, but I get the sense that these sexual feelings translated into romantic feelings for you…which is totally fine! What I’m noticing here is that this may not have happened for your partner. While I certainly can’t speak for this other person, the way you’re framing their reason for wanting to be friends makes me think that they consider your relationship mostly sexual. Many people enter into various types of dating/sex/situationships for different reasons, and it can be tricky when you and the person you’re in it with want different things. Even if you just enjoyed the sex and wanted it to stay slightly sexual/slightly romantic, this person wants sex or friends, nothing in between. Just like some people can be friends with exes, some people can have relationship dynamics that are just friends who have sex occasionally.
You mentioned your ex/friend mostly shows their vulnerability during sex “and is very hard to access emotionally outside of it.” They sound somewhat emotionally unavailable, especially since their response to you wanting to talk is “everything is fine.” Everything is not fine for you, and a friend with good intentions would respect your relationship enough to enter into this dialogue. Maybe they’re not ready to do this, and that’s okay, too. If they aren’t ready to even enter into an intimate platonic conversation, it makes me question if you’ll ever feel satisfied in any type of relationship with them.
You’re asking all the right questions; Should I keep trying? Should I accept closure? Should I wait it out and see how things change? I’m not going to tell you what to do. Only you will know what feels good in your body. Maybe get curious about how this is all making you feel. How is your body responding to to being just friends? Do you feel any sense of relief when you think about ending things for good? Do you feel like you want to gift them your patience while they figure things out? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to lean into your gut feeling. As someone who puts off making decisions so much that the decision is often made for me, I can assure you that even if you wait for something to happen, that is a decision as well. Mull over how each of these options affect you and remember you deserve the love and time you’re willing to give to others.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
How To Support a Sex Partner With an Eating Disorder
I’ve lived with a persistent eating disorder since 2016. Coincidentally, I’ve also been having regular sex since 2016. It’s been a journey with casual partners and committed relationships — often simultaneously. Unfortunately, this disorder has always shadowed my vibrant sexual tapestry.
I now have three years of recovery and a wonderful girlfriend by my side. I think I’m ready to talk about ways we can support our partners who have eating disorders.
Eating disorders dig deep
Eating disorders can affect anyone but disproportionately affect queer people. We’re placed at increased risk by discrimination, trauma, and body dissatisfaction. That last one catches trans people especially hard. If this wasn’t bad enough, eating disorders are also easier to enter and harder to manage when people are caught in other mental distress.
Eating disorders are especially horrible because nutrition is an inescapable fact of life. For most sufferers, our fixation on food and our body image runs deep. It fucks with our routine (or defines our routine). Our bodies are weakened by binge-eating, malnutrition, or destructive habits, and this feeds the distress. It becomes an anchor we drag everywhere we go.
I mean, picture a goblin living in your head that reveals a flash card with an awful message about your body and eating habits. Every two hours. Forever. I cracked eventually.
Sex is also vulnerable to the predations of mental illness
Sex is a deeply personal act. Even casual sex needs a lot to go well for it to be enjoyable. Depression and anxiety impede sex because they color every aspect of a person’s life. Eating disorders do the same.
Perhaps most relevant to sex is that eating disorders devastate a sufferer’s self-esteem. I’ve had sex with people who didn’t want their emotionally sensitive body parts touched or even perceived. I’ve had sex with people who needed the lights to be off. I’ve been the partner who canceled because I thought I looked awful. I’ve both turned down sex and had reckless, risky sex during mental health crises.
The way people have sex tells us a lot about how they see themselves. That’s why it’s so important to support sex partners who have eating disorders. Being a positive force in one part of life can give them (and us) room to breathe in another.
So what do I do if my partner shows disordered behaviors?
Whether a one-night stand or a committed partner, shades of disordered behavior can appear. Our partners may express a persistent dislike of their body’s weight or composition. Some people will not consent until they’ve completed a food routine.
It falls to us as responsible lovers to take small, supportive steps for them. That’s not a call to be someone’s sleep-in therapist. Showing support means being present without overextending yourself. If someone jumps overboard while clutching an anchor, handcuffing yourself to them in solidarity is unhelpful.
I talked to Dr. Martha Tara Lee, a queer-friendly sexologist about ways we can be more supportive for our partners.
1. The first rule is care and patience.
Dr. Lee says the key to supporting partners with eating disorders is to, “be patient, compassionate, and non-judgmental. Educate yourself about eating disorders and their complexities. Encourage open communication and active listening.”
Dating someone with an eating disorder is a commitment to patience and listening. Eating disorders don’t go away in short order. Positive changes are always good, but relapses and struggles are also a part of recovery.
2. Don’t make it worse.
That means not blaming them for their illness or making negative remarks about their body. Dismissing them in times of great need can also worsen the situation. Dr. Lee says it’s especially important to not pressure partners to engage in, “sexual activities or behaviors that may trigger their eating disorder.”
Sex with a new partner is a time of vulnerability, so hurtful words aren’t just risky; they can be downright traumatic. Eating disorders often emerge from remarks about our bodies. It hurts deeply when people re-affirm those remarks.
3. Be mindful of ‘helpful’ actions that may be harmful.
Dr. Lee pointed out several things people do out of care that can be counterproductive to eating disorder sufferers. For one, “unsolicited advice about diet, exercise, or weight loss” is a no-go because it’s a potentially distressing topic. Focusing our advice, “solely on the person’s physical appearance rather than their overall well-being,” prioritizes appearance over what really matters: happiness. Well-being is an all-encompassing experience that isn’t defined by aesthetics.
Although you shouldn’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells, people with eating disorders can be triggered by affirmation with a negative subtext. Being willing to learn and communicate goes far toward understanding what your partner’s specific needs are.
4. Know when to involve professionals.
Knowing your limit is pivotal. There may come a time when professional medical help is necessary. These are the signs of serious trouble that Dr. Lee looks out for:
- Severe weight fluctuations
- Frequent binging or purging (induced vomiting, laxative abuse)
- Physical health complications (electrolyte imbalances, hair loss, disruptions to the menstrual cycle)
- Major deterioration in mental health
If you see these signs, it may be time to have a serious conversation with your partner. Although the topic is discomforting, further deterioration or loss of life is far worse. Professional and community help (like a support group) can take a lot of stress from you, too.
We love that you care.
If you’ve read this far, then I’m really thankful for your part in this. As both a sufferer and someone who dates people with disordered eating, the most important thing we can do is show compassion to our partners. Whether or not the relationship is permanent, our impact matters. Being sensitive to a one-night stand can leave a lasting impression on someone’s self-esteem. Likewise, we all deserve honest and compassionate communication with our long-term partners.
I’m a Trans Woman, and This Is What’s in My Sex Bag
Three years ago, I quit being a man for mental health reasons. I spent the pandemic occupied with my changing sense of self and emerged a vibrant and secure young woman. I rewrote my whole life. Everything from the intricacies of my personhood to the pragmatics of casual sex needed work.
I’m settled into my new body and things that used to make me nervous — like packing for a sexual sleepover — come naturally again. I’ve actually ironed it down to a single backpack. Whether I’m popping over for a short tryst or spending the night, I have a list and a bag ready to go.
Here’s what’s in it.
Condoms
I’m a non-op trans woman and quite happy with this arrangement. Estrogen has made my fertility a rounding error, but condoms are still very relevant. Low fertility isn’t close enough to ‘zero’ for comfort, and condoms are mandatory for STI prevention. I’m also non-monogamous so regular condom use protects my partner, too.
My preferred penile condom is latex, smooth, and unscented. I had the (dis)pleasure trying several satisfactory types before settling on the basics. Despite the small risk of allergies, latex condoms remain the most accessible. Smooth condoms are a preference based on partner feedback. And unscented? My girlfriend has sensitive skin and has abolished scented skin products from the house.
Lube
A travel-sized bottle of water-based lube goes on all of my sexual excursions. Slippery stuff is equally useful on toys, appendages, and partners. I default to non-scented here for the same reason as the condoms. I don’t want to gamble on bringing something scented that a new partner hates. Strong floral scents make me gag, and I wouldn’t inflict the same on someone else.
Hygiene Essentials (germaphobe edition)
I have the profound misfortune of being a germaphobe who is very into anal sex. Yes, I’ve demanded compensation from Earth’s manager. No, I didn’t get a response.
The hygiene portion of my backpack is fastidiously chosen. A sensitive skin soap (unscented, of course) is gentle on the nether regions and also serves as harm reduction for my germaphobia. I wash my hands far more than necessary, and stronger soaps damage my skin. There are wet wipes and surface disinfecting wipes. The former is for bodies. The latter is for objects. There’s even an antibacterial skin cream for the occasional scrape.
For overnight stays, there’s always shampoo, conditioner, and contact lens solution. Everything is available to share with my partners — my germaphobic self could never deny anyone the desire to be very, very clean.
Adorable Plush Cat
I’m the anxious, neurodivergent sort. Experience has taught me I sleep better when I bring a bit of home with me. Typically, this is a plush cat I can snuggle after sex. As a victim of sexual violence, I have a high need for security before I’m comfortable enough to consent. Comfort objects provide that necessary security and happen to be good conversation starters.
A plush toy can even be used as a sex cushion for better positioning, but I always turn mine away when the activities begin.
Disclosure
Inspired by Cam Smith’s article, I also bring lots of disclosure. Potential partners are informed well in advance that I’m a non-op trans woman. If there was sexting, they’ll also know some of my positional preferences and kinks. A prerequisite conversation about boundaries, recent sexual history, and the use of protection is also mandatory. Non-communicative dregs shall not spread these legs.
Good disclosure and communication go both ways in my non-monogamous relationship. I keep my girlfriend aware of who I’m seeing and I make myself available to her input. It may not be something physical I pack, but I can’t conceive of sex without discussion.
Reflect Twice, Pack Once
I cultivated my sex bag based on my experiences and needs. It came from a place of pragmatism and evolved into a reflection of how I have sex. My idea of happy sex is well-considered and safe. In contrast, I’ve met lovers who dropped a toothbrush into their handbag before turning up at my door. Others arrive with a whole duvet and gaming laptop. Seeing how people pack for sex is a privileged thing. It’s a look into their comfort zone.
My bag gets adjusted from time to time. Sex toys and restraints appear as needed. My lesbian lovers are incredibly fond of my home-mixed massage oil. Its bag changes with my sexuality; I once found a thin, dusty spider web connecting two zippers after a particularly long dry spell.
But there are always energy bars in it.
You Need Help: Wanting To Move In Together but Unsure About Sharing Bed With Dog
Q:
A recent question about cats in relationships encouraged me to bring this question here! I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a little over 8 months, and things are going well! We thought about moving in together around the six month mark. It was partially a financial decision, but we’re also both eager to live together as the back and forth between apartments is starting to feel silly and we’re really really ready for the next step! I was the one who put it on pause for a bit though, and I told her it was because I’m not quite ready to part ways with my personal space yet, and thankfully she was understanding but I feel bad because I wasn’t…entirely honest. It’s not so much that I don’t want to give up my space…it’s that I’m having trouble imagining sleeping with a dog in the bed every single night.
My girlfriend has a super sweet lab mix who I love dearly, but I’m very new to the concept of sleeping with a dog in the bed. I thought they made dog beds for this exact reason?! I’m not even grossed out per se…it’s more like I just wake up a lot when sharing the bed with her dog because he snores, gets up to move around, and makes me overheat. It’s fine for sleepovers here and there at my gf’s but I greatly prefer when she sleeps at mine for this exact reason. (She brings the dog over, but he sleeps in a dog bed when at mine which she was super open to from the get because she understood me not wanting him in my own bed.)
It makes sense to me to set my own rules about the dog in my place, but if I move in with her, I don’t think I’ll have as much of a say over what the dog can and can’t do especially because the dog is used to sleeping in her bed at this point. But I genuinely am not sure I can imagine sleeping with a dog EVERY NIGHT for the rest of my future! Am I overthinking this? Will I just get used to it? Is there specific etiquette for moving in with someone when it comes to like new house rules or something? I love my girlfriend and I love her dog! I just also love sleep!
A:
I honestly love that people are bringing me their pet drama! And fortunately, I can answer this one pretty easily as I too was someone who as a bit hesitant about sharing a bed with a dog upon moving in with my now-fiancee.
First of all, I think it’s totally normal to have reservations about this. I’m not surprised you delayed the move-in process because of it. It’s a big deal! Mixing sleeping patterns and habits is one of the harder parts of moving in with someone. And mixing pets or starting to live with a pet full time are big deals, too. I actually want to start with one of the questions near the end of your letter: Is there specific etiquette for moving in with someone when it comes to like new house rules or something? I think this is an interesting and complex question! I have almost always been the person to move in with a partner rather than them moving in with me. The first time I did it in a serious way, I didn’t vocalize any of my preferences for house rules. I just fully adopted my ex’s way of living. Part of this was because I was young — both in terms of literal age but also in my queerness. I hadn’t been out for very long, and I struggled to really advocate for my true wants and needs in a relationship.
When I moved in with my current partner, I had more confidence and understood myself better. A lot of this actually came from a bout of acute insomnia I experienced at the end of my last relationship that affected me on so many levels I was determined to never let myself fall back into it if possible! So one of the first things I said to my girlfriend as we were moving in together after being long distance for a while was that I didn’t want a television in the bedroom. She agreed to adhere to this even though she was sacrificing something she’d always lived with. And it’s not like I would have ended the relationship if she hadn’t agreed; but her willingness to bend a bit was deeply meaningful to me. I think the partner who is moving in with someone should get some say in the living arrangements and rules and this shouldn’t be seen as an imposition. Because sure, the other person has already been living there and has their habits and preferences, but introducing a new person to a space fundamentally changes the space. You’re the one moving in, but both you and your girlfriend are taking this step together.
I had no clue what I was really getting into by living with my girlfriend’s French bulldog. I hadn’t thought about it much early in the relationship, because in addition to being long distance, I also assumed when we moved in together that I would be bringing my cat from my previous relationship. Maybe this would make some people more anxious — I know mixing pets can be hard! But in my mind, it was more of a level playing field; we both would have a furry companion with us during the transition to living together. I wasn’t bringing much from my previous life: no furniture, no kitchen things, just clothes and books really. But my cat felt like an important tether to my life before and like a sense of stability during major change.
Things didn’t go the way I expected. My ex kept the cat. I freaked out. I didn’t have my tether anymore. But then I turned a corner and just decided to lean all the way into change, into uncertainty. I moved in with my partner and her dog under pretty high stakes conditions: We were moving across the country to a city neither of us had ever lived in for a semester-long residency she got that then turned into a much longer residency because it was early 2020. I like to say we went from long distance to lockdown.
We nested when we first got to her residency, excited to make things cozy and ours. But then the pandemic began and there wasn’t really time to figure out how to live together under normal circumstances, so we got a crash course in cohabitation. All during this time, I was indeed adjusting to the fact of the dog and the fact of her sleeping in the bed with us.
I grew up around dogs but never with one in the house. The dogs I did know slept in dog beds. Now, this French bulldog might be small (and probably is smaller than your gf’s lab mix?) but she is not exactly a silent, still presence. She snores. She gets cold and then wants to be covered. She makes her presence known. And I love her dearly! I was calling her my “stepdogter” within the first month of living with her.
But I won’t lie: Adjusting to having her in the bed was hard. Here are some things I wish I’d had a better understanding of when moving in with a dog: You can definitely be strict with them about which part of the bed they occupy. I sort of just let the Frenchie smash up against me if she wanted to, and my partner was like “you know you can make her stay at the end of the bed right?” I did not know that! Having a blanket that’s specifically hers at the end of the bed helps with this, too. And then it’s easy to wash that blanket separately from your own bedding if you want.
Another thing that helped immensely: upgrading from the full-size bed we had at the residency to a California king. I’m not sure what size bed your girlfriend has but…for as expensive as they are, a giant bed is well worth it when there are bed pets involved.
But something that gives me a lot of hope about your specific situation is that you haven’t actually moved in together yet, which means you are absolutely in a perfect place to actually talk about this with your girlfriend and see if there are possible compromises or solutions to be made. How much does she know about your reluctance to share a bed with the dog? If she’s being an understanding and reasonable partner, she won’t take this reluctance as some sort of indictment of her dog. If she does, that’s a problem honestly! It should be perfectly fine for you to say you’re unsure or nervous about sleeping with the dog every night. This was a literal conflict on The Ultimatum: Queer Love, and I do not think Tiff handled it very well when Sam said she didn’t really want to sleep with the dog. Pets are important parts of our lives, of course. But it should be normal to expect some growing pains when asking a partner to move in with your pets. There will be an adjustment period, and there will likely be some concessions or changes that need to be made to make everyone comfortable. That’s just part of moving in with someone in general.
I’m glad to hear there are at least different sleeping arrangements when you sleep at your place, which makes me think your girlfriend does have some knowledge of your preferences but also makes me think it could be possible to shift the dog’s behaviors if that’s what you and your girlfriend decide to do. If he can sleep in a dog bed at your place, it might be an easy transition to get him to sleep in a dog bed all the time or at least part time. It’s of course possible your girlfriend won’t want to change the dog’s behavior. Perhaps she actually sleeps better with him in the bed. But I think she should at least be open to hearing your thoughts and should take this seriously; your sleep is important, too! And once there are sleep-related problems when it comes to living with someone, I feel like that can be a really slippery slope into bigger issues, because sleep really affects so many parts of of health and lives!
I don’t think you’re overthinking this. I think it’s a really significant thing. But I also don’t think it has to be some automatic relationship dealbreaker. I do think you should talk about it before you commit to moving in. You were ultimately right to delay that timeline, but you should definitely be more honest with her about why you delayed.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Untethered: Ghosts of Friendships Past
“Wait…are you going to be around for Christmas?”
My ears perk up when my friend who lives up the street says this. We’re drinking peppermint hot cocoa in my kitchen after a volunteer meeting.
“Yeah, I am!” Does she want to do something?
“Can you watch the kitties?”
“Of course! I’d love to.” I don’t miss a beat. That would’ve been embarrassing.
There’s something that stings, that tastes a little metallic, about going through a grocery checkout line with a 12-pack of Diet Faygo Cola and a single microwave meal while contemplating the fact that the woman who once fired you along with an entire theater staff — for doing insubordinate-y things like pushing back against white supremacy culture internally — has a show premiering in January. While I text the aforementioned friend about wondering whether I should show up to the green room party like some kind of off-brand Maleficent, I also tell her about the crushing weight a recent friend hang left lodged in my stomach.
“I found a pack of cigarettes from last winter in my coat when I put it back on the other day. I never check my pockets before retiring a coat for the winter. I’m not sure many people do. The discovery sent me back through time like a stone off a slingshot.
It was a different time, a different brand, a moment where I was distinctly miserable. Still, I had a ring on my finger, and I had someone to spend my winter nights with. It feels like I have an infestation of shadows, now, like they’re spreading around the house like mold.”
It’s funny, the kind of symbolic weight someone can hold in the course of events in our lives without ever knowing it. F (and the little dog) were the last two people my ex and I saw together as a couple. In fact, it was the fight after leaving F’s place that ultimately led to the breakup, to my finally calling it. Seeing F again was a kind of closing of the loop, and also, a way of moving past her feeling so defined in my mind by that moment in time.
So, it naturally came up pretty early on in the conversation that we hadn’t seen each other since the breakup. Without much prompting, she shared, with emphasis, she had heard “allll about the breakup.”
“All about it?” I was a wee bit taken aback. I think I looked it, too. She went on to explain, again, that she wasn’t taking sides, that she valued her friendship with me, that she knew breakups were hard on both ends, including the end of the person who initiated the split. She also went on to explain all of the ways my ex had been a good friend to her, which I was aware of. If I’m interpreting what she meant by that, it was to note for me why she’d been willing to listen, maybe also to signal to me that she understood perfectly well that there are two sides to everything.
Deep down, I knew my ex probably wouldn’t hold back when it came to sharing whatever she wanted to with mutual friends. Having confirmation of this suspicion was something completely different. Of course, I expected her to talk to her close friends, the ones she’d known for years who’d been her friends since before I knew her, to her therapist — I was talking to my sister and my therapist, after all — but to hear F had been the recipient of enough detail that she would hold her hands up and shake her head, that was a knife finding its way into the meat between my ribs. Like scurvy, it reopened old wounds I thought were scarred over. Since that hang, I’ve had the sensation of being a doll whose limbs are becoming unsewn, a dissociation from my body, from my sense of self.
The hang was good, honest, fun, deep, but the revelation hung over me the whole time. I confessed to F that she was the only mutual friend who’d been “more” of a friend of my ex who’d maintained any kind of contact with me, that it meant a lot. She asked me outright if I’d been feeling isolated. I cried at the table, over our winter spiced beers, but then recovered as best I could. The little dog sat in my lap.
And then, to my absolute horror, I listened to the door open and shut, complete with bells jangling. My jacket stayed on. I grabbed a weapon and looked around the corner. Nothing looked amiss. I checked the door. It was locked. I checked the rest of the house. No one was there.
With my heart beating in my throat, I texted a friend. Play “Pretty Little Angel Eyes” for Bill, the Boomer man ghost who lives with me, they said. I did, and the doowop playlist that ensued made for some slapstick music to be haunted to.
We both loved horror, and we both were talking about, discussing horror from a queer perspective in the early 2010s when every new movie we unearthed and absorbed into our intra-relationship discourse felt like the revelation that it was. I received House of Psychotic Women as a gift and appeared in an interview in the written portion of my ex’s MFA thesis. The holidays were no exception. One year, while living in the Bay Area, I took us to go see The Winchester House, but on Christmas Eve, lit up with Victorian-style Christmas trees. At one point, the electric system got overloaded, and the tour was plunged into darkness. Someone screamed.
I got called a twonk recently (complimentary). It reminded me of two twonks who were once couple friends of my ex and I. One of them was obsessed with Black Christmas, the 1974 version where the lesbian stuff is subtext. But that was what we had! We had subtext, and we watched it to mark the season. When this pair of couple friends with the same name, we’ll call them C&C, didn’t speak to me ever again, not once, after the breakup despite being friends for seven years, despite my being friends with C1 prior to my being in the relationship I was in, I was devastated. But I should have anticipated it. My ex had laid a lot of groundwork prior to our breakup, talking about me in so many ways I didn’t realize — because what kind of person in a relationship would badmouth their partner to mutual friends? I also shouldn’t have been that surprised because C1 and I did once have a temporary friendship breakup that was precipitated by a heated disagreement over our interpretations of The Bad Seed. I should have probably seen it coming, but it still hurt, nonetheless.
C1 hailed Black Christmas as the first American slasher, but there’s actually one before it, and it’s a made for TV movie starring Jessica Walter.
I watched Home for the Holidays (1972) for the first time last year after hearing about it on a podcast. You can currently find it on YouTube. It’s the right amount of twisty and contains very little actual gore, but is also the kind of deep, sonorous voices that actresses carried in a certain era. Four women, sisters, return home to their ailing father who’s convinced his much younger (new-ish) wife is poisoning him. Everyone is catty, dad included. And then, instead of being some kind of murder mystery, we just…get all slasher-y! It’s a missing link in the chain, a precursor to both Black Christmas and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and also a little reminder for me that we really don’t ever know the whole story of something, of what was actually “first,” or of what led to something happening, not usually. It’s also a reminder, if we’re on our Being Grumpy About Old Enemies Shit, that sometimes shitty people, like C1, are wrong and stubborn and more interested in validating whatever they’re interested in preserving in their worldview than any kind of truth. And then there are people like F who know that things are always complicated, and that you can value people as individuals, even if their relationship doesn’t work out.
I’ve got plans tonight to watch either Black Christmas or Home for the Holidays with a friend. It’s a toss up. But, either way, it’ll be a new little memory, something that I hope eases the soreness a little bit.
The Unexpected Loneliness of Getting Divorced
This isn’t the first time I’ve found myself sitting in Arthur’s office. He probably doesn’t remember me, but I came to see him a few years ago when my mom got divorced. She’d given me her wedding ring from her ex-husband and told me, “I don’t care what you do with it. I just never want to see it again, and don’t tell me what happened to it.”
I picked this particular jewelry buyer, not because they give better prices than other shops in New York City’s diamond district, but because they actually have an office. An office with a receptionist with whom I can make an appointment, and where I can sit in a comfortable, air-conditioned waiting room while I wait for Arthur to reduce the value of my marriage to the total carat weight of the items I’ve brought to sell him today.
I’m a 31-year-old Black, queer woman, quasi-single mom, and I’m getting divorced.
Where I was once surrounded on all sides by leagues of support, I suddenly found myself standing in the sand alone. The people who were once part of my support system were suddenly standing in judgment of me, comparing notes and making assumptions in group chats I wasn’t invited to join.
One of my favorite podcasters, Dan Savage, likes to give a piece of advice that fits perfectly with this scenario: “You’re going to tell them one thing about you, and the way they respond will tell you everything you need to know about them.”
For my married friends, watching my marriage fall apart was like catching a glimpse of themselves in the hall mirror and wincing at what they saw reflected back to them. It hit too close to home: a professional queer couple of color, a two-mom family with an adorable toddler, trying and failing to patch the cracks in their relationship.
Instead of leaning in to offer support, they dissected my approach, vultures circling overhead as a lion takes down its prey.
“Well, what did you do wrong?”
“How are you going to fix it?”
“You can’t just leave things like this; I need to know what you’re going to do. I need to know how this is going to end.”
That brazen sense of entitlement to a neat and tidy end to my marital problems was somehow both comforting and insulting. In their own twisted way, these once-friends of mine were trying to provide a vote of confidence. As a highly educated and well-heeled group of professional lesbians, they were used to getting their way. If they wanted something, they made it happen. If they didn’t want to deal with something, they threw money at it, and the problem disappeared.
You can do it, they were trying to say. Just work harder, complain less, and fix it.
I didn’t know how to tell them that I was just as disappointed as they were that a stiff upper lip and a strong cocktail weren’t going to fix my marriage.
They didn’t want to hear about the hours I spent begging my ex-wife to talk to me, to tell me that we were still in this together. They weren’t interested in how volatile things were at home, how hard it was to leave the house and put on a brave face while living through the painful, slow, inexorable death of a decade-long relationship.
Deep down, I wonder if they were afraid that the honesty it takes to face the fact that a relationship needs to end might be contagious. If they stood too close to me, they might realize they wanted to take a closer look in that mirror too, but they didn’t have the guts to deal with what they might see.
The months of painful cohabitation and strained co-parenting interactions I endured with my ex, while waiting for our lawyers to disentangle the strands of our now-to-be separate lives, made the judgment and rejection I experienced at the hands of my married ex-friends look like a cake walk. Little did I know, the courage it took to ask for what I needed was nothing compared to the courage it would take to withstand what was to come.
If you’ve spent any time in the city, you know that New Yorkers are infamous for their ability to ignore each other on the subway. So, while I frantically searched for tissues – and on one notable occasion, a panty liner – to stem the flow of blood gushing out of my nose and attempted to salvage my outfit with a Tide to-go pen, everyone around me went on with their lives like they didn’t notice me, my distress, or the biohazard I was working very hard to keep from impacting those around me.
In some ways, the loneliness of my divorce was a lot like these nosebleeds – it caught me completely off guard, and I suddenly felt like there was a spotlight on me, relentlessly highlighting something I was desperately trying to clean up before it got out of hand.
With this newfound bravery, I used the harshness of that spotlight to look at myself and my choices through a different lens. It wasn’t always pleasant, but it was necessary. I took a hard look at the life we’d built together. I had become so used to pouring all of myself into my marriage and our little family, that I had almost forgotten who I was before I took on the roles of wife and mother.
It was painful to see the ways I traded my own happiness for the stability of married life. Without realizing it, I had started to conflate the two: if my marriage was stable, then I must be happy. Unfortunately, that stability curdled into stagnation, and the sense of comfort I used to derive from that stability started to feel more and more like quicksand. If I wasn’t careful, it would swallow me whole.
When I talk to my mom about my divorce, she tells me how proud she is of me. “I’ve been married three times,” she told me, “and it’s taken me over 65 years and three divorces to figure out what makes me happy. It is so wonderful to see you asking what makes you happy in your 30s. Don’t wait until you’re my age to figure it out.”
After spending so much of her life pouring into others, my mom is finally pouring into herself. For the first time, she has built a life that prioritizes her happiness over the happiness of others. Those decisions haven’t always been the most popular or well-received, but the joy I see in her face and hear in her voice makes it clear that they were the right ones.
On hard days, I remember the happiness my mom has cultivated for herself, despite the criticism of others. She didn’t let the stability or routine comforts of relationships she’d outgrown keep her stuck in a pattern at the expense of her own well-being. She took a risk, and put herself first. She was brave.
Some days, it’s hard for me to be brave. Getting divorced is exhausting, time-consuming, and expensive. Dear god, it is so expensive. Holding space for myself and my daughter as I navigate this process takes a level of strength that I didn’t know I had, right up until I needed it. In those moments, when I’m not sure I can hold anything else the world throws at me, I remember that I didn’t just make this decision for me. I made this decision for my daughter. I want to show her what it looks like to choose yourself, even if it means disappointing others, even if it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. I want her to know that she is brave, too.
Every time I open it, I find something new to help me think about and process my divorce.
When she talks about her decision to finally tell Craig she wants a divorce, Glennon says, “I don’t owe Craig the rest of my life, but I do owe him my honesty. It’ll be hard, but it’ll finally be the right kind of hard.”
Being the one to say my marriage needed to end was the hardest, loneliest decision I’ve ever made. Every day, it is hard to wake up and navigate this new, messy, world I live in, doing my best to make sense of my life in this new context.
But for the first time in a long time, it’s the right kind of hard.
10 Budget Friendly Holigay Dates
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, even though my bank account would strongly disagree. It’s the perfect season for hopeless romantics like me because we get to watch all the cute Hallmark movies about meeting your dream partner and falling in love! The reality is, even if you do have the partner of your dreams, we can’t all vacation to a ski chalet to drink hot cocoa and enter their gingerbread house contest for a weekend. However, I am determined to bring the love-dovey season of lights and giving vibe to my dating life, so I came up with a few budget friendly or completely free Hallmark-adjacent options for us. Most of these holiday date ideas could be used with new-er partners or your long-time life partner. Happy dating!
Go look at holiday lights in a wealthy neighborhood
If you already live in a neighborhood or complex that goes all-out with lights, then take a little intentional stroll around town to check out your neighbors’ hard work. If you don’t, or you just want to see some wild front-yard configurations, head to the nearest “nice” neighborhood with the large houses and watch the light show that one house does that’s always the absolute most. The fun part of this is making comments back and forth about what you would do differently, or how this one yard is your dream yard. Bring a warm beverage to-go for added enjoyment!
Visit an animal shelter
I only recently learned you can just show up to shelters during operating hours and look at all the cute animals. You can always say you’re looking to adopt (and then not), but I have not gone on this date, because I will indeed end up taking home an animal, which I guess would really elevate the date. Many shelters are having wild deals on adopting right now, so if there was ever a time to get a pet with your partner, maybe consider doing it now! However, do this at your own risk.
Make a TikTok together
Sometimes I roll my eyes at TikTok couples doing “couples challenges” or even just, I don’t know, being themselves on camera, but for a one or two-time thing this could be fun! It will vary depending on your interests, but you can search for couples’ videos in your TikTok search bar for inspiration. The most important part is to let yourselves have fun and be a little silly.
Attend a middle school/high school holiday concert
If you have children, this might already be an obligation (but still cute if you have an adult date to bring!). If you don’t, check out the calendars at your local high schools and middle schools for their winter events. Usually, the schools will put on a band or choir concert of some sort, and it’s often free to attend! You might be thinking (like I am right now) isn’t this kinda weird if you don’t have kids? I ran this by colleagues of mine of all different ages, who assured me it isn’t, especially since you’re supporting local community arts.
Build a non-traditional gingerbread house
You can build whatever type of house you want, but I think it’s much more exciting to choose something slightly questionable. The mystery and complexity of it all brings more excitement and laughter to the date! Target always has new versions of gingerbread houses on the shelves, like this football stadium or treehouse, but my personal favorite is this house Publix released of a Publix store.
Nighttime photoshoot
Pick out some cute outfits and find a spot that really illuminates after dark. This could be a Christmas market, a park, or even your own front yard. Have a little photo sesh where you each take photos of the other person doing various poses (silly or sexy)! The important part is hyping each other up like they’re the most fabulous model in the world.
Dinner and a movie, but better
Instead of going a move theater and paying for overpriced food, why not do this whole date but from the comfort of your own home! The added twist is that you’ll theme the food and/or drinks around the movie you choose. For example, you could watch Happiest Season and plan to make one of the many meals Harper’s family makes around the holidays. I’ll admit, some movies are much easier to theme than others (insert any straight Hallmark movie involving making cookies), but just have fun with it!
Cooking competition
No grocery shopping allowed! You and your partner go head-to-head in the kitchen using only what you already have to make the most festive, scrumptious dish you can think of before the timer goes off! If you’re more of a cooking person, stick to entrees, but if you both prefer baking, maybe choose something inspired by a certain theme or word. This date gets particularly fun and challenging when you’re near the end of your latest grocery shop and ingredients are limited.
Go to a hotel bar
You may not be able to go to a ski lodge for the holidays, but what you can do is find a hotel in the closest major city near you and go to their bar for drinks! This will give you the chance to look fancy and pretend you’re in that Hallmark movie without actually paying the price. Just get one round of drinks and split a dish to keep costs low. Typically, larger hotels will decorate for the holidays, so you may even have an opportunity for a few romantic photos.
No tech night
Choose one intentional night of the week and set a time frame where you both can’t use any type of technology. This includes phones, TVs, computers, etc. You might need to start off small with 30 minutes, but sometimes the most intimate moments can manifest if you spend three hours of uninterrupted quality time together. Some of the activities you could do in this tech free time could be stargazing, lightening a few candles and playing board games, going on a walk, cuddling and reminiscing about funny moments you’ve shared, or simply just sex.
Do you have any holiday dates planned this month? Let us know what they are!
A Trans Guy’s Guide to Grindr
A Trans Guy’s Guide to Grindr feature image from an illustration by Rafael Henrique/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images and a real DM received by Gabe
Last month, I posted a video where I talked about dating cis gay men now that I’m a trans guy. I’m used to getting transphobic comments that barely make sense, but this video had three in a row of the same flavor. Something about how a truly gay man would never fuck a trans man.
I expected it to really bother me, but instead I was just amused. I thought, “If you could see these faggots I’m fucking, you’d never doubt they were gay.”
Gay men are absolutely gay if they fuck me. They have the “Dua Lipa Radio” playlists, WeHo kickball shirts, and drawers full of poppers to prove it. The idea that a cis gay man wouldn’t fuck a trans man — including the most stereotypical cis gay man — was so not true in my reality. I had to laugh.
Before I transitioned, I both romanticized and feared cis gay male dating apps. I wanted to be “man” enough to use them. I wanted to cruise profiles over brunch in the bored way I saw my male friends do it. And, once I started transitioning, I wanted to desensitize myself to the landmines of microaggressions, especially when I could tell the guy didn’t have bad intentions.
It took about a year, but I did it. I take being on Grindr as my stupidest little privilege – a milestone of my everyday gender euphoria. I feel so happy that I get to do these very average guy activities I thought would always be beyond my reach. That includes complaining about the cesspool that is gay hookup apps. What joy!
Behold: Here is my imperfect guide to using Grindr if you are a trans man or transmasculine person looking to fuck cis gay men.
Pre-Advice:
- Enable Find My Friends, share your location with trusted sex-positive loved ones, and give them a time that the encounter will be over. (I like to get out in an hour, a fact which has stunned my straight guy best friend.) Also: Have a codeword ready for a mayday situation. (Are we having fun yet?)
- Apps like BeReal can out you to people you exchange phone numbers with. “John Grindr” shows up in my suggested friends with his full government name. If you don’t want to be found, check which apps give out your info.
- Learn the terms: NPNC (no pic, no chat) means he doesn’t message with blank profiles. Eyeball emoji means he’s looking for sex right now.
- Take it slow! Especially if you’re used to dating women. These social shifts can be disorienting but the more you demystify the experience, the less power it holds.
- People have, of course, met their husbands on Grindr so know that I’m speaking in generalities and jokes. Not every cis gay man is like the ones in this piece, and even then, I’m being silly. I think we all know that, right?
- You can also use these apps to hook up with other trans guys or with transfeminine people, but this manual is not for that. This is for cis dudes.
- If you’re a cis man I’ve slept with from Grindr, I appreciate you. Xoxo.
- I’m using “Grindr” as a catch-all, but this guide could also be for Scruff, Sniffies, etc. This does not apply to enlightened, kumbaya apps like Feeld. This is for the hungry, sissy sluts only.
Let’s go, girls.
1) These men are horny idiots.
If you were socialized female, it’s likely you learned deferential politeness and sexual shame. You also may have spent time in queer spaces full of politically thoughtful and social justice oriented people. But, bitch, this is not Paint and Sip night at the LGBT Center. This is Grindr.
Men may send dick pics unsolicited, even if you specify on your profile that you don’t want them. They may not know the most updated terms for trans people or the vocabulary of our liberation. You are not going to find gender studies scholars on Grindr. Luckily, you don’t care what they think, you only care how they fuck.
Because what’s great about this is it means you don’t have to put politics on yourself either. You’re not an educational representative for trans people. This is sex, not a DEI workshop. You can let all that pressure go, and just explore.
In everyday life, would I want a dude to call going down on me “eating my pussy out?” No! Dysphoria incoming! But after being faced with how rock hard it makes this particular hot boy who seems sincere and also probably thinks Leslie Feinberg is just a cousin of mine from Long Island? I can be convinced. Being turned off by certain words and behaviors is something I thought I’d solidified about myself, and have since learned was very different for me in sexual practice.
It is also so, so okay if you’re one of many trans guys for whom that is a line that cannot be crossed ANYWHERE. Keep an open mind and don’t judge yourself.
2) Cast a wide net.
On the traditional dating app circuit, you might be looking for “Prince Charming.” On Grindr, you are looking for “Prince I Could Maybe Put Your Dick In My Mouth.”
It can be aggressive! I have trans guy friends who are understandably timid, so they focus on one cis guy who seems “safe” and put all their eggs into that basket. Then, when “pedestal guy” bails, they’re left with no hook up and they feel badly about themselves. Nothing on Grindr is personal. The app is notorious for flakiness. It’s 100% not you.
My strategy is to have four or five convos brewing, and to keep searching even still. People’s schedules don’t always line up or someone disappears, even if the conversation was adequate and your desires aligned. If you want to guarantee a hook up for a specific date and time, have a roster of back up possibilities.
And because you have options, you don’t owe anyone anything! You do not have to go through with a fuck just because you don’t want to lose out on a guy who likes trans men. I promise you, from the bottom of my t-dick, cis men who fuck trans guys are a renewable resource.
3) Have a thick skin.
People suck. Their profiles are racist, transphobic, or fatphobic. Consider that not a personal attack or a trigger for self-hatred, but rather a gift. Weed them out immediately!
If you wear a binder and that’s a problem for someone? Bye! Not on T and he misgenders you? See ya! During our first chat, I had a guy refer to my genitals as “a cunt.” I replied, “Hey, is it possible to not use that word?” He ghosted. Good riddance!
Are you gonna get less interest because you’re not medically transitioned or because you ask for a trans-specific accommodation? Sure, but that’s the trash taking itself out. (For clarity: I have top surgery and am on T. I don’t have bottom surgery. I make that clear on my profile.)
If you engaged with every man sending you something along the lines of “Lemme see that pussy,” you’d be on the app all day. Remember a good chunk of these men have fried their brains with a drug meant for horses. You can straight up ignore, block, and move on.
4) Know what you want. Discuss terms and boundaries.
Think about what your ideal hook up would be like, and try to keep your focus on you! Don’t spiral about what a cis man might want from you or how you can please them. Think about what YOU want to happen. Be realistic about convenience and the most likely scenarios, of course, but don’t do anything just because you think the cis guy would want it.
If you want to top, it means traveling with a dick, condoms and lube. If you want to bottom or to use condoms for blowjobs, you have to bring/have them. I was surprised by how few gay men have condoms at the ready, but as I’ve had a few tell me: PreP changed everything and pregnancy between cis men would be miraculous.
One cis guy assured me the other STIs are “just the price of doing business.” While I’m all for ending STI stigma, I had to remind him that “child support” is a much bigger price.
You can put your list of wants and parameters in your profile. Or, if you’re worried about being spotted by someone you know, you can put them in your “saved phrases,” a feature that lets you keep responses to send multiple times.
My experience is that most cis guys will want you to bottom with your front hole. It is easier and quicker and if the atrophy hasn’t hit, it’s self-lubricating. If you don’t want to use it, you don’t have to. (See: “side” as an increasingly popular alternative to “top” or “bottom.” “Side” means no penetration.)
If you do want to use the front hole, bring your lube of choice. If the guy has lube, it’ll be for butts. If you want to get fucked in the butt, amazing. And seriously, if you don’t want to use your bottom half that way at all, you do not have to. I promise no one will be mad.
5) They lie.
Just as a man might say he’s 5’10 when he’s 5’8 (literally who cares??), he will tell you he has been with trans guys before. He is lying.
Okay, not always. And it’s not done with malice! He’s saying it to make you feel comfortable. And God bless him. It’s very sweet and possibly even true!
But be skeptical and proactive. When they rub the inside of your thigh thinking it’s going to make you cum? Move their hand. You’re doing the other trans men they fuck in the future a favor. At the end of the hook up, the CEO of Grindr will present you with a Purple Heart.
6) Care about your own experience more than his.
A mindset that’s helped me during sex with cis men now that I’m trans is that I have stopped caring more about if they’re having a good time than if I am.
It took practice, but I make an effort not to act like my body is an inconvenience or a consolation prize. I don’t go into the hook up with assumptions about what a gay man might want to do or not do. What he might fetishize or be repulsed by. Everyone chose to be here, and he knows I’m trans. It’s really none of my business what he’s thinking.
If the guy says he wants to suck your trans dick, but you’re nervous he hates vulvas, it’s on him to tell you that. Take him at his word and his actions. Enjoy it! He’s a big boy. If he didn’t want to be fucking a trans guy, he wouldn’t be. He finds you hot!
You don’t have to preemptively feel shame about your body parts. Do you know how many cis gay men hate their bodies? Why do you think Equinox exists?
7) No one is having a great time!
Talk to any cis gay man and he’ll share his own hell stories about hook up apps. Bad experiences are part of dating and part of searching for sex. But enough guys are having a good enough time and that’s what keeps us coming back.
That and testosterone makes you hornier than you ever thought possible.
You Need Help: How Do I Make Myself Like My Girlfriend’s Cat?
Q:
I know that as a lesbian this is sacrilegious, but I don’t really like cats. I have tried to fight this feeling for much of my life, tentatively patting friends’ cats and smiling at funny videos, but much like my sexuality, no amount of faking it could change me. My family always had several big, friendly, cozy dogs when I was growing up and just don’t really ‘get’ cats or why you would want one in your home.
The issue is, my girlfriend and I moved in together a few months ago after three years of dating, and she has a cat — so now, by default, I have a cat. I’ve tried, genuinely really hard to warm to him. He’s a sweet enough cat and I’ve sometimes had fun playing with him, and I do enjoy when he curls into a little loaf.
But I just can’t get past this negative feeling towards him. I don’t like the way he climbs all over the furniture, don’t like having to hide my stuff so he won’t scratch it, don’t like having a litter box in our living room, don’t like the creepy way he stares at me…I could go on. I recognize these are all pretty minor things, but it all just makes me that bit less comfortable in my home and I feel my mood darken when I hear his meow. I am aware that I sound like a terrible person and this is why I can’t discuss the issue with friends.
My girlfriend is aware I’m not the biggest cat person and we talked a bit about my concerns before we moved in together. He’s not allowed in our bedroom, and she’s conscious of dealing with his litter etc. But I don’t want to tell her that I’m struggling now because she’d only be stressed and upset and there’s nothing she could do.
I don’t want my girlfriend to get rid of her cat, of course, that would be a horrible thing to do and our relationship definitely wouldn’t recover. I just want to learn to love (or at least like) this creature who will now be part of my life for the next ten or so years (all being well with my relationship and the cat’s health). How can I do this?
A:
First of all, I just want to affirm that it is perfectly okay to not like cats. I say this as a cat person! It is okay to not like cats, and it is not required of gays to like cats despite any stereotypes that might exist. You are also not a terrible person, and if you do want to talk about this with your friends, I think they would be open to it. Who knows — some of them might be able to relate and offer advice! Because I think your situation is perhaps more common than you realize. Merging pets — as with a lot of the things that come with moving in with partner — can be tricky to navigate.
You already did things right by talking about this before moving in together. So great work on that front! I’m glad you talked about your concerns with the cat ahead of time, and I’m glad there are already some solutions in place like not allowing the cat into the bedroom. If anyone else is reading this piece who might soon be a similar situation, DO WHAT THIS PERSON DID! Talk about it before you move in with someone. That’ll make it so much easier to have ongoing conversations.
So, on that topic, I know you probably see this coming, but you do have to talk about it again with your girlfriend. You can preface this by telling her you really are trying (it sounds like you are!) and that you’re grateful for the ways she’s already being accommodating about making you feel more comfortable in the house. But sometimes it takes a while to truly get used to new living situations, and sometimes it takes renegotiating compromises.
It sounds like you’ve made a genuine effort with the cat but things are still bothering you. So, now is the time to talk to your girlfriend about how you’re really feeling. This might be a very difficult conversation. Pet people tend to be intense about our pets. But I hope you can both approach the conversation from a place of mutual understanding and a desire to figure out ways to cohabitate with minimal friction — and when I say cohabitate I also mean you and the cat not just you and the girlfriend!
Some if not all of the things you outline do sound like they could be addressed in a conversation with your girlfriend. Let’s go through each one and see if there are possible solutions or compromises to try out!
I don’t like the way he climbs all over the furniture. This is a possibly solvable problem. While it can be difficult to train cats, sometimes people are actually the stubborn ones when it comes to training cats — not the cats themselves. It’s worth asking your girlfriend if she’s open to incentivizing the cat to no longer be on the furniture as much. Or maybe not to climb on particular pieces of furniture. If she agrees to it, then you can both test out some methods of enforcing new rules for the cat. Don’t spend a bunch of money on the sprays that are supposedly deterrents. Most of them are kind of scammy. You can Google all sorts of cat training tips and tricks. Focus on the ones that prioritize rewarding the cat rather than punishing; they’re usually more effective. We’re still in the process of trying to get our cat to stop scratching our couch, and so far the thing that has worked best has been moving a cat scratcher to right next to the couch and moving him to that any time he tries to scratch the couch. It has helped a lot. Again, while it can be difficult to change or redirect a cat’s behavior, it’s not impossible. And even if you can’t prevent the cat from being on any furniture, it’s possible there are some compromises here! Did you bring some of your own furniture into the space? Since that furniture is newer to the cat, it could be easier to make it off limits.
I won’t lie: It’s possible none of these things will work or at least not work perfectly. And it’s kind of up to you if it’s worth the hassle and time to even try. There’s only so much we can control pets, especially cats. But I think anything that might make you feel more comfortable in what is now your home too is worth at least trying.
I don’t like having to hide my stuff so he won’t scratch it. Yeah this one is definitely tough! Would love to hear if any cat owners have suggestions in the comments. I wonder if this speaks at all to any broader issues: Do you have places in the home that feel like yours? Do you feel like adequate space has been made to store your stuff? It can be hard to be the person moving into a partner’s space, and I hope you have things and areas that do feel like yours, which sometimes gets complicated when there’s a pet in the house since they tend to, well, treat the entire place like it belongs to them, especially cats.
I don’t like having a litter box in our living room. This is the one I actually feel most confident about coming up with a compromise for. Understandably, I do think litter boxes are one of the biggest sticking points when moving in with a cat when you’re not really a cat person. Is there any other room that would make you feel better for it to be located? For most cats, it’s pretty intuitive for their litter boxes to be moved. I’m not sure what kind of litter box your girlfriend currently has, but is it worth it to look into other options that reduce smell, dust, etc? There are self-cleaning ones and some that use alternatives to traditional litter. These higher end litter boxes get pricey, but it could still be worth trying out. I also have friends who got really creative with hiding their cat’s litter box: They bought a small cabinet from IKEA with a door (something like this), placed the litter box inside it, and cut a hole in the back of it so the cat could easily get in and made that back part face a wall with enough room for the cat to still maneuver into it. Then when they need to clean it, they open the door at the front, slide the box out, clean it, slide it back, and close the door. They did this so their dog wouldn’t be able to get into it, but it also doubles as a creative way to keep a litter box unseen in a home. The cabinet also lends an extra protective layer against smells.
I don’t like the creepy way he stares at me. This one, I gotta be real honest, is probably the least solvable one of the list 😭 cats do indeed just stare creepily sometimes. While I don’t see this as likely to change, I think it’s possible that if some of the other things on your list are addressed and your girlfriend works with you to reach compromises about the cat then it’s possible this won’t bother you as much as it currently does! This one might not be worth bringing up with your girlfriend since I don’t really see a way to shift it, and I think part of what will help with your girlfriend not getting stressed or overwhelmed is sticking to focusing on reasonable shifts that can be made. And I don’t say that to make you feel weird or like you’re being unreasonable! In fact, I’m confident from your letter to know you’ll understand why it probably isn’t reasonable to expect this one to change.
I think being open and honest with your girlfriend — if not sharing all of it — could lead to some further compromises which could in turn lead to a better relationship with the cat. I think it’s important to temper expectations. You might not fall in love overnight, so I like that you’re already striving for at least liking if not fully loving right away. It’s true that living with your girlfriend requires living with the cat, but loving your girlfriend doesn’t necessarily require loving the cat. It just requires making an effort, which you’re already in the process of doing. For what it’s worth, it sounds like you live with an easy-ish cat, so that’s good! If you don’t like cats, you don’t like cats. But you do like your girlfriend, and the cat comes with her. You can treat this as an ongoing process and open ended conversation. Letting things bottle up might make it so much worse.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.