Spring Edit: Things for Organizing Other Things

This is Spring Edit, the seasonal series where I help you spruce up your life and your space. I’ve gotten you ready for queer picnics with pals, lower effort outdoor snacking, backyard hangs, and I even made you take a good long hard look at your main bag, which probably needed some cleaning and reorganizing, let’s all be honest with ourselves! Today, we’re talking things for organizing…other things. Boxes, containers, storage systems, etc.! I love a junk drawer or a chaotic pantry as much as anyone, but sometimes to really gain control over your things, you really do need something to put them in! I recently moved into a place with very limited closet and storage space, and things for organizing other things have become of the utmost importance! I watch a lot of those absurdly lavish TikToks in giant, sparkling clean kitchens featuring fancy ladies doing “restocks” and putting everything away in a perfect clear storage container that fits perfectly in their gorgeous little built-in custom cabinets, and I find it all completely unrealistic and practically like science-fiction, but I do think there’s something to their obsession with containers. Containers are great! Let’s talk containers!

Gingham Bamboo Food Storage Box ($12)

Listen, I know it can be tempting to put your tomatoes in the fridge. I know it can seem like that makes them last longer. But it kills the taste! Your tomatoes will taste soooo much better if you leave them out, which is why you need some sort of food storage container for your counter. This would also be great for lemons and limes, which I also like to store outside of the fridge. to keep them juicy and not dried out.

Baking Storage Set ($70)

These are ideal for storing all your dry baking ingredients! The only problem is that they indeed require a lot of cabinet space, so if you’re more limited in that arena, the next suggestion is for you.

Glass Jar ($7)

I have these jars in a few different sizes, and I find them easier to store in my small kitchen than a full-on set! Plus they’re inexpensive if you’re only getting a couple.

Two-Pack Four-Section Kitchen Caddies ($18)

I have long been in need of a way to organize all the loose tea bags we have in our kitchen, and I think these could be the solution! I don’t have a drawer deep enough to fit them, but I think these could work up on a shelf in a cabinet or on a countertop by the coffee/tea station.

Fridge Beverage Storage ($13)

Organize! Your! Seltzers!

Spice Organizer ($40)

This countertop spice organizer is great, because the size/brand of your spices doesn’t have to be uniform.

Underbed Latching Clear Storage Boxes ($16)

If you aren’t using the space under your bed for storage, get on it! I like to use these underbed boxes for the exact purpose they’re shown fulfilling here: storing shoes! My shoes don’t really fit in my tiny closet, and there isn’t space downstairs either. Clear boxes are ideal so I can easily see which shoes are in which box.

Metal Latch Office Box ($17)

Every desk needs a large box imo! What you choose to put in said box is up to you, but if you find specific things accumulating on your desk — whether it’s loose mail, receipts, bills, etc., it might be time for a designated box.

Expanding File Folder ($17)

Speaking of receipts, if you are a freelancer, I cannot recommend a designated place for receipts highly enough!!!! It makes taxes and calculating expenses so much easier.

Desk Organizer ($15)

Yes, you can absolutely use this as a desk organizer as it’s advertised, but this could also work on a countertop or in a pantry cabinet for granola bars/fruit leather/meat sticks/etc.

Four-Pack Pencil Boxes ($20)

Pencil boxes aren’t just for kids imo! They’re also not even just for pencils! You can keep all sorts of things in these: a box for scrunchies, a box for pens, a box for manicure tools, a box for enamel pins, etc. They come in colors but are still translucent so you can easily see what’s inside.

Woven Basket ($12)

These baskets have been coming thru for me ever since my closet space was cut in half with my most recent move. They’re cute, easy to move around, and perfect for things like sleep shirts or socks. I think they’d also work well in a laundry room for storing things. They come in a bunch of different sizes and shapes depending on your needs, and they’re not a bad price point for what they are.

Three-Drawer Accessories Organizer ($28)

I am not allowed to buy any new jewelry or makeup until I’ve organized the things I already own!!!!!!

Sunglasses Display ($20)

This works just for regular glasses, too. I’m going to spray paint mine so it matches the color scheme in my room!

56-Quart Clear Storage Bin ($8)

Look, it doesn’t get much simpler than these clear, unfussy mega storage boxes, but they really are so perfect for bedding, sweaters, coats, seasonal things, etc. And only $8 a box! You can’t beat that! Sometimes truly all you need for a slightly less cluttered, more organized life is just a really big box.

Spring Edit is a miniseries all about giving your life a little refresh for warmer weather.

Spring Edit: Hot Outdoor Decor for Under $30

Welcome back to Spring Edit! After last week’s picnic gear recs, I’m now here to tell you the things to buy to spruce up your outdoor space! These recommendations are for outdoor spaces of any size and scope! Your backyard! Your sideyard! Your stoop! Your porch! Your fire escape! Your garage! Idk! Wherever you spend time outside! And if you have no outside space at all, these products also make perfect gifts for the friend whose yard you frequent. A lot of outdoor decor gets pricey, so I have tried to stick to a specific price point. All items are $30 or less.

Suncatchers ($13)

Etsy is a treasure trove of suncatchers, which can be hung from trees or small shepherd hook plant poles.

Hanging Disco Planter ($16)

Another thing you can hang from shepherd hook poles! Also fwiw, these make cute indoor decor, too. I want to figure out a way to hang one in my kitchen.

Animal Wind Chimes ($30)

I’M SORRY WHAT THESE ARE SO CUTE!!!

Terracotta Swirl Planter ($20)

A nice heavy-duty planter in a fun pattern or color does a lot for an outdoor space! Hardware stores and even grocery stores like Publix are also a great place for finding outdoor planters that aren’t going to break the bank! I won’t tell you what plant/tree/etc. to put in it, because it extremely depends on where you live and what your green thumb level is! But my favorite thing in our backyard is our meyer lemon tree.

Wicker Planter ($30)

If you are lucky enough to have a yard with a pool, this tabletop planter would look SO CUTE in a yard with a pool.

String Lights ($13)

They’re a classic for a reason! These Target ones are a little more fun than your typical outdoor string lights, coming in light pink or light blue options for a pop of color.

LED Micro Lights ($15)

For a smaller space like a stoop or fire escape where large string lights won’t work, try some LED battery-operated microlights like these, but just be aware that you might have to move them or cover the battery box if they’re out in the open during inclement weather.

Glow in the Dark Mushroom Plant Pick ($20)

Ethereal! Moody! Shroomy!

Hanging Citronella Candle ($26)

I need 75 citronella candles around me at all times, because mosquitos simply love my blood. If you too are mosquito bait, then I must urge you to buy the Bug Bite Thing, which yes is the actual name of this weird little plastic suction tool that provides instant bug bite relief!!!!!

Very Large Citronella Candle ($30)

So those little colorful hanging ones I linked above are def cute, but if you want a citronella candle that’s really going to get the job done, we’re talking five-wick minimum.

Outdoor Tabletop Torch ($9)

These are a little more simple than installing full-on tiki torches, and if your space is too small for a fire pit, these provide nice flame vibes without taking up too much space or being a whole production! I found an even cheaper and smaller $5 option for wee outdoor spaces!

Ceramic Side Table ($28)

This is a very good price for something like this!

MINNIDIP Splash Pad ($30)

I believe these splash pads from the trendy inflatable kiddie pool company MINNIDIP are advertised as being mainly for babies and dogs, but who says they can’t also be for hot girls? I will very soon be setting up my very own splash pad to post up on with a canned bubbly drink and proving my point.

Large Ice/Drink Tub ($19)

Always good to have something like this on hand if you do any entertaining in your outdoor space. They’re less cumbersome than a full-size outdoor cooler! And here’s a white oval version if that fits your look better.

Outdoor Floor Mat ($25)

Sun rug!!! Quite literally brighten up your space. Or how about this cactus reversible rug!

Outdoor Throw Pillow ($30)

And how about a bright sun pillow to go with that rug!

Spring Edit is a miniseries all about giving your life a little refresh for warmer weather.

Homo Reno: 13 Tips for Keeping Your 5 Year Queer Relationship Intact While Renovating the House You Live In

1. Begin, as all couples do, with optimism.

Actual footage of us freaking out when the deed was done and we arrived to find that wow we got free window treatments thrown in with the deal. Also that chandelier no longer works and I cannot wait for the day I finally pull it out.

How long do you think it will take? It will take years longer.

You have not even begun to plunge the depths of simultaneous strength and despair that lie ahead. I’m not sure if it would have been better to start with more pessimism, but the thing is — it’s actually, factually impossible to start with the correct amount of negativity because the house is going to challenge everything you ever believed about just how wrong something can go.

But sure, buy a house! The mortgage might be cheaper than rent would have been, but you will pay the difference in BLOOD.

Have some vegan pizza!

2. Accept that Home Depot* is now your PRIMARY RESIDENCE and get really friendly with any local re-use locations.

Sadie always looks at tile. We have never bought tile.

You could go to Lowe’s. They do have that paint color you want, and it’s not available at Home Depot, but the thing is that when you get there, the cashier with the Hell’s Angels tattoos is going to stare you both down as you wander the aisles, and then leave the only open register when you try to checkout, forcing a very annoyed colleague to come check you out instead. (This is because you are queer, FYI.)

For whatever reason, the local Home Depot employs a lot of older women who are puzzled by you two undertaking projects, but they’re not overtly threatening, similar to the neighbor who stops by once in a while when you’re working outside to exclaim, hands on his hips while his kids run around him, “No man!”

You will not be able to avoid spending money with a company that donated to the Trump campaign. There is no winning when you need drywall. They have a chokehold on building supplies. We should probably think about that.

It helps if you put on your dirty work clothes before going to Home Depot, also — a hot tip from me to you. Also, unofficially, you can bring your dog with you into Home Depot and this will make everyone be nice to you because who doesn’t love dogs? (And they also often have a secret stash of dog treats and will ask if they can give your dog a treat.)*

*This may just be about the dynamic between our local Pittsburgh Lowe’s and local Home Depot…YMMV.

3. Try to scream or yell in surprise at only appropriate times. If you are working on something and you drop something off a ladder and no one is hurt…should you yell in frustration? ONLY IF YOU WANT YOUR PARTNER TO THINK YOU HAVE FALLEN OFF THE LADDER AND IMPALED YOUR LEG ON A PIECE OF LATH.

Discuss this many times. Never manage to get ahold of it. Hurt yourself for real at some point, curl up into a ball on the floor and say nothing about it, even, just for good, contradictory measure.

Looking this hot and butch can be a hazard.

Then, stub your toe, graze yourself with a nail, or just drop something while on a ladder in an annoying but not life-threatening way. Of course NOW you are going to scream your lungs out.

Everything is always fine.

4. Okay, there is at least one ghost, now. You are going to need to reconcile with being haunted. Depending on your existing beliefs, this may range from run-of-the-mill to existential crisis. The creepy shapes painted on the walls won’t help your unease.

Why.

Is.

It.

Like.

This.

5. But what you will be most haunted by is the fact that they decided to wallpaper the bathroom.

Reckon with the fact that you are going to have to take down the wallpaper that is actually apparently more like vinyl contact paper on the bathroom ceiling and that you are going to have to go full Spielburg and dress like you’re one of those guys in Hazmat suits handling ET while you annihilate the mold.

The Last of Us really hits home when you’ve had to kill bathroom mushrooms.

6. Have an ice cold beverage waiting for you upon completion of a She-Hulk-Level task.

There will be so many devastatingly onerous items on your to-do list ahead.

It helps to pretend like you will be able to partake of a reward…two hours from now…okay…six hours from now. Okay, listen, if you don’t finish it’s not like this is a job you can leave at the end of the day you will have to stare at the unfinished project for weeks because you only have THIS SUNDAY and then you are booked for like fourteen days so just GET IT DONE.

Rebuilding this wall in 2019 took a whole day — and a full hour was spent DISLODGING the one very stuck stone block. It was also 40 degrees F and rainy.

7. Sometimes you are going to have to undertake a project during which it will be inevitable that you will scream at each other. My advice is to just kind of pretend it didn’t happen.

The only thing you can do is prepare for this and engage in after-care. You both might have to hold a heavy object above your heads while standing on ladders for an extended period of time. This could be a ceiling fan. You might have to haul a 200lb insulation machine from the sidewalk up 27 concrete stairs to your back patio, certain that if you let go of it, you will die. You will scream, you will cry, you will fight about how to survive whatever you’ve gotten yourself into today. This is your fate.

The men at the Home Depot rentals department will be mean to you two when you pick up the insulation machine but will be able to SAY NOTHING when you return it, obviously used.

8. Never give up hope…that you’ll find secret money!

Fireplace is a big fan of amontillado.

Things we’ve found include: a fireplace hidden behind wood panelling that gave me major House of Leaves vibes at first. We couldn’t see the fireplace. It looked like there was a closet. I kept walking from the hallway into the bedroom and back, measuring with my arms. The measurements didn’t make sense. We started tearing.

Other things we’ve found in no particular order include bonus closets, the tops of windows, a popcorn maker, a box of matchbooks collected over decades, an entire drawer of odds and ends and tools, a knife engraved with “Old Timer,” a bowling ball, a cigarette beneath a floorboard (as well as a removable floor board), a 1965 poster of the Pittsburgh Steelers, a refrigeration well in the basement, and a card table I currently use to pack A+ perks on.

We prize each of our finds, and though the attic was ALSO seriously lacking in cash, we’re still holding a candle for a coin collection or something.

No money up here.

None up here either. (Upside: there were no bodies in the completely sealed-off attic. A real concern we had.)

9. Take pictures and videos of each other during silly moments because, eventually, this is what you will remember most.

Look at those cute butch lesbian legs!

I have no excuse except delirium.

Are you ever just…tired?

Go ahead. Guess.

Choices have been made in this house.

The theme is “tired.”

10. Get away.

Camp, visit friends, get the fuck away from the devil on your back that is your home reno project. Your relationship will thank you. I swear the only time I am ever actually relaxed is in the woods. (Except for that one time I left the tent at night to pee and a bear growled at me. That was stressful.)

Ah yes one of my favorite hobbies: stick collection.

11. Have at least one room that is a sanctuary as soon as you can.

Mmmmm sanctuary.

We did not do this and wound up living in “The Creepy Room” for two years, including the start of the pandemic.

12. Remember that you’re a team but also that your girlfriend is very special because she is doing most of the work while you work tons and tons of hours for Autostraddle. Hug her even when she’s covered in dust. DO IT.

We’re at the dump! I take her to all the best places, I swear.

Especially if your butch girlfriend has experience working in home reno and the repair of Victorian homes and horeshair plaster…she will be taking the lead here.

13. If you can’t fix it right now, make it fun.

I just gave up on our bathroom so hard I bought a clown print, framed it and hung it up because we lean into vibes around here okay? We do not look away. That’s just where we’re at, energy-wise, time-wise, money-wise, penny-wise.

Also when my Sadie told me she always wanted to collect clown art, I knew I’d made the irrefutably best choice in life partner.

Silk Pillowcases Changed My Life, Made My Self-Made MILF Dreams Come True

This Changed My Life is an ode to the small, seemingly chill purchases bought by Autostraddle writers and editors this year that made our lives infinitely better. Did these items LITERALLY CHANGE OUR LIFE? No, we’re being gay and dramatic. But perhaps a pair of sunglasses really did change your life — who are we to judge?

In 2020, I decided it was time for me to adopt the rich mom aesthetic. It’s similar to coastal grandmother, but just a little younger and flashier. Think Biologique Recherche shelfies, or maybe APLs (this was pre-Veja). Very Nicole Kidman in Big Little Lies, or really any mom walking down the street in Park Slope, Brooklyn. And sure, technically I don’t have kids, but maybe I will someday! I just wanted someone on the street to read me as a MILF (which, I don’t know if this counts, but a man at a grocery store once said “Happy Mother’s Day” to me so maybe this is already happening?).

Part of this transformation into rich mom included investing in my bedtime routine, because you know rich moms sleep a full eight hours and look well-rested once they’re up. I wound up buying an eye cream for the first time (it did not work), some melatonin (it actually worked), and most importantly, new linens. Specifically the Brooklinen Mulberry Silk Pillowcase, which I wound up asking for on my birthday/Christmas/holiday list that year.

I had always wanted a silk pillowcase, but considered it an unnecessary luxury. I didn’t see what it would add to my life — I already had several organic cotton pillowcases (all Target, all excellent) that I swapped out regularly. My opinion changed the moment I opened the box that contained the silk pillowcase.

I got my first in the “Celestial” style because I love witchy gay vibes and I thought it’d be fun to sleep on stars. Within the first week of having that pillowcase, I noticed major changes in my skin and hair – so much so that I wound up buying a second one in an emerald shade. It’s safe to say that I am now a silk pillowcase believer!

Since I started using a silk pillowcase, I’ve noticed a dramatic increase in skin hydration; my skin is noticeably plumper when I wake up in the mornings. Silk absorbs less moisture than cotton does, making it a great choice for anyone with dry skin. I’ve also been experiencing fewer breakouts. I’m not totally sure why this is — there isn’t a ton of evidence that silk pillowcases transfer less bacteria onto the skin (as compared to cotton or other fabrics) — but they are less irritating which could be a factor.

My hair is also much smoother after sleeping on silk. I’ve noticed that when I travel and sleep on pillowcases made of other fabrics, I have more flyaways and my hair feels generally drier. I could just travel with a silk pillowcase, but I’m honestly too scared of leaving it behind and not having it once I get home. I sleep super hot, and before silk pillowcases came into my life, I used to flip my pillow over to try and find the cold side. I haven’t done that at all since getting a silk pillowcase. The fabric is cool to the touch and it remains that way all night despite how sweaty I get when I sleep!

Left to Right: Target standard silk pillowcase ($30), Quince 100% Mulberry silk pillowcase ($40), Slip silk pillowcase ($90-$110), and Brooklinen Mulberry silk pillowcase ($60)

For a wider shade range, albeit at a higher price point, you could try Slip — I mean just look at this gorgeous burgundy! Alternatively, you could try Quince. Their silk pillowcase goes for $40, cheaper than both Slip and Brooklinen, and comes with a zip closure to make sure your pillow stays snugly within the pillowcase. Target also sells one ($30)!

The only major downside to the pillowcase has been having to wash it by hand, but honestly, it’s not so bad. They air-dry pretty quickly and the benefits outweigh the cost. If you’re a vegan, I know that silk might not be an option for you (the silk in this pillowcase is a mulberry silkworm byproduct), but you could still get many of the same benefits from a satin pillowcase! Satin is synthetic and as a bonus, machine-washable, though it does feel slightly less luxe.

If you, too, want MILFy vibes without having to have children, I highly, highly recommend a silk pillowcase!

These Throw Blankets Will Help You Be Your Best Couch Gremlin Self

Even though I live in a place that doesn’t get super cold in the fall/winter, I am always cold. Once the weather dips below 70 degrees, I’m pretty much the queen of layers: thick socks, hoodies, and my ever present throw blanket. I work from home, and I spend an inordinate amount of time sitting on my couch wrapped up in a blanket like some sort of couch gremlin.

If you ask me, there’s no such thing as having too many blankets. Currently we have two throw blankets on our couch, and I’m in the market for another one (or three!) I’m on the hunt for something that checks multiple criteria. The most important thing I need in a throw blanket is coziness. Because I spend so much time wrapped up in blankets on my couch, I want them to be the best possible blanket. It needs to be so good that I never want to unwrap myself from it.

So! I scoured the interwebs to find some blankets that I want to buy and become the couch gremlin I know I can be.

Ruched Faux Fur Throw Blanket ($25)

I love a soft, furry blanket. This heathered pink blanket would be perfect for a night of watching rom-coms on the couch when the weather drops. It’s also reversible, the other side is faux mink!

Fairisle Eddie Bauer Oversized Ultra Soft Plush Fleece Throw Blanket ($58)

There’s nothing cozier than Fairisle in my humble opinion.

Pavilia Buffalo Plaid Sherpa Blanket Throw Fleece Blanket ($44)

Nothing says cozy quite like sherpa, and this buffalo print gives cuddle up by the fire vibes.

Fairy Garden: Midnight Throw Blanket ($55)

There’s something so whimsical about this blanket; it is perfect for a cozy cuddle.

Georgie Cozy Knitted Throw Blanket ($118)

Looking at this makes me never want to leave the couch ever again.

RACHEL ZOE Faux Fur Leopard Print Throw ($17)

Leopard print isn’t so bad when it’s all in greyscale. And this cozy blanket has big cat vibes.

Festival of Lights Hanukkah Solid Plush Faux Shearling Reverse Throw Blanket ($15)

The Festival of Lights can get a little chilly, and this cute blanket is perfect for any and all Hanukkah celebrations! The other side is fuzzy, which makes it even better!

Loom + Forge Chevron Faux Mink Throw ($60)

Chevron may have had its moment, but this faux mink throw makes it look cozy, not cheugy.

Berkshire Classic Velvety Plush King Blanket ($70)

With many color and size options, this throw is good for sleeping on the couch or covering your bed.

UGG® Avery Hooded Throw Blanket ($30)

This will help you level up to your final form as a cuddly couch gremlin.

Biddeford Microplush Heated Electric Throw ($85)

A heated throw blanket makes for an extra cozy night. Just be careful you don’t accidentally cook yourself.

Woven Checkered Cozy Throw Blanket ($88)

If you’re looking for a cozy blanket that will go beyond the winter, this cozy throw has a checkered pattern that will look good on your couch well into spring.

Cuddl Duds® Sherpa Throw ($50)

As you can see, I really like sherpa. This is just perfect for Netflix and chilling — alone, or with a pal.

Snowflake Printed Plush Christmas Throw Blanket with Faux Shearling Reverse ($15)

This light seasonal throw blanket is super soft and great for draping over the back of the couch so that you can grab it quickly to keep your legs warm when it’s snowing outside.

RACHEL RACHEL ROY Double Sided Faux Fur Throw ($30)

This is so luxe it almost feels like it doesn’t belong on a couch, but it’s perfect for a cozy night.

A List of 10 Gay Mushrooms

Mushrooms are gay, right? I feel like this is a widely acknowledged truth, but has been sorely lacking documented evidence, until now! 

We’re getting to that time of year when many of us gather with family and other people we don’t want to be stuck around a dinner table with, looking for awkward topics to argue about. Why not gay mushrooms? With this extremely scientific list, you will be equipped to win any mycological debate in your household! Feel free to chime in in the comments with your fave queer fungi!

Amethyst Deceiver (Laccaria amethystina)

Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images

It sounds like a queer-coded Batman villain. It is bright purple. This mushroom is deceiving absolutely no one about its extreme homosexuality. 

Veiled Lady (Phallus indusiatus)

Photo by DeAgostini/Getty Images

Found in abundance on 19th century beaches, staring at each other with barely repressed sapphic longing. 

Wood Blewit (Clitocybe nuda)

With hues from blue to pink to purple, it would be easy to declare this to be a bisexual mushroom. So I’m going to do exactly that. Also, both its common and Latin names are gently evocative of sex acts across genders, which is surely a win for bi visibility.

Witch’s Butter (Dacrymyces palmatus) 

Witches are gay, butter is gay (especially if it’s nut). In Eastern European legend, having this fungus appear on your house meant you’d been cursed by a witch. Curses are gay, too!

Giant Puffball (Calvatia gigantea)

Photo by: Arterra/Universal Images Group via Getty Images

This puffball reclaimed all the gay slurs thrown at it in the playground, joined a gym and now works security at the gay forest.

Ghost Fungus (Omphalotus nidiformis)

You partied all night with this club kid and never heard from them again. Your friends will be very patient during the three years you spend obsessing over this.

Schizophyllum commune

If you thought you were winning at defying the gender binary, think again – this beauty apparently has over 23,000 sexes. That’s a different one every day for 63 years!

Violet Coral Mushroom (Clavaria zollingeri) 

Probably there are many naturally occurring sex toys, but this is the only one that is the correct shade of Sex Toy Pink.

Cryptococcus gattii

According to cishet reporting, this fungus caused an infection outbreak because of gay sex, conveniently forgetting all the destruction straight fungus has wrought on the world. Homophobic!

Lion’s Mane Mushroom (Hericium erinaceus)

This mushroom was last seen in a lesbian club circa 2006 wearing a vest and skinny tie. 

10 Crate and Barrel Finds To Level Up the Luxury of Your Dyke Domesticity

I moved into my new apartment with a lot of things, and still, with a few things I needed to buy and replace. Actually packing up my apartment left me with a few crucial thoughts: One, I had too much stuff. Two, much of the things I owned were outdated and no longer matched the person I was or the home I wanted to make for myself.

By that I mean I had stocked my apartment with free things from friends and ex-lovers, or stuff from college where I had an inexplicable taste for rainbow, mismatched colors. Now that I’m a seasoned dyke approaching 30, I want to own things that match the kind of person I’m growing into. Also, I now can afford to spend a little money on the items I want in my home.

Crate & Barrel is a pretty good start if you’re looking for a more sophisticated domestic scene. It can be a little more expensive, so I want to keep that in mind. If you can’t afford the stuff I put in this list, don’t worry. You can find look-a-likes and dupes at Target, Walmart, and other home goods stores.

For me, I acknowledge that I like nice things. There are nice things at Crate & Barrel, so I shopped there to fill the new places with some pretty new kitchen and bedroom items. Here are ten finds that you might want to buy for yourself. Maybe you don’t need them, but they’d be nice to have if you want to buy yourself a little treat!

1. The Breville Bambino Plus Stainless Steel Espresso Machine ($500)

I wrote a piece about my espresso machine, which is a Kitchenaid model. I mainly bought mine for the price and the color, but if you’re willing to spend a little more, you can get this one from Breville. The Breville comes in three colors and has awesome features that make the machine ready to serve you espresso after just three seconds. I think everyone needs an espresso machine. It will save you money and make you feel sophisticated and sexy!

2. Wilder Serving Bowl with Handles ($24)

This cute serving bowl has matching bowls and plates that go with it, but I chose this on its own because it’s something I’ve purchased that I think is just darling. I love the brown exterior with the speckled interior. I’m very into speckled stuff right now. Plus, it is dishwasher and oven safe so you can bake in it, how sweet!

3. Organic Washed Cotton Velvet Pillow Cover in Cognac ($28)

These pillow covers are velvet, and velvet is high class. If you buy in the colors Cognac, Brick, Peach, and Cream, you’ll have the perfect seasonal pillowscape. They fit your standard 20×20 throw pillow and are currently on sale, so stock up while you can!

4. Juliet Velvet Quilt and Pillow Shams in Desert ($61 for the sham, $224 for the quilt)

Like I just said, I associate velvet with luxury so I had to find you some sexy velvet bedding. One other cool thing about this quilt is that its reversible, so you can switch the side to feel like you’re in a new bed the next night! But seriously, this high-quality velvet in rich colors is something you’ll definitely want to get your hands on. I love the jump-and-tack embroidery that gives the pieces dimension and texture.

5. Natala Cocktail Glasses ($14)

Whether you drink or not, these cocktail glasses are gorgeous and would be fit to drink whatever your favorite beverage is out of them. I’m a bit of a mocktail aficionado, so I’ll be making a few and serving them up in this pair of stunners. The detail on these glasses is just stunning. From the thick lines on the body to the sort of hatch marks on the base, there’s so much about these that are pleasing to the eye!

6. Nero Brown Marble Round Accent Table ($299)

Right now, I’m still missing a few things in the way of furniture, namely an accent table I can use to put my coffee mug on as I drink my morning coffee on my green velvet couch. This table is simple and small, so it won’t take up too much space at your spot. It’s fashionable enough that it will garner compliments from your visitors and serve as a fine parcel to stash your hot coffee on.

7. Arren Brass Floor Lamp with Milk Angled Shade ($229)

This lamp comes in a few renditions, but this one is my favorite. So, I’ll say it. The floor lamp options for Crate & Barrel are kinda lackluster. They tend to have these big, bland shades that are an eyesore in my opinion. This option is a lot sleeker, a lot more aesthetic, and a lot more me as well. I still need a floor lamp for my bedroom and this might be the winner.

8. White Fern and Rust Palm Dried Flower Bouquet ($40)

Again, it is fall. My favorite season. So I’m making this list in a festive mood! This dried flower bouquet is a stunning centerpiece for your dining or living room. It has got all the colors of the season with sharpness and fluffiness abound. Picture it: Your place. Thanksgiving. This in the center of the table as you spoon loads of stuffing onto 75% of your plate. Sound familiar? It does to me!

9. Caterina White Boucle Upholstered Office Chair with Dark Pewter Base ($479)

Now, this chair looks wide, and as a big bitch, that appeals to me. It’s also textured, which I haven’t seen on an office chair before, how cute! It looks so structurally sound and comfortable that it would make me not mind sitting down for eight hours a day.

10. Acacia Wood and Gold Measuring Cups ($25)

These have a set of matching measuring spoons, which I also bought because I left all my measuring instruments back in Pittsburgh. The gold cup with the wood handle is so classy and lovely. I’m super drawn to these pieces and want to buy matching gold cutlery instead of that dull silver stuff. Measure out the flour and baking powder for your pancakes like a king!

7 Pressing Questions I Have for Myself After Moving

Feature image photo by 10’000 Hours via Getty Images

I recently attempted to make a list all of the apartments, houses, condos, and weird rooms I’ve lived in in the past decade-ish of my life, and it proved an impossible task. I’ve simply lived so many places and moved so many times. I know I lived in nine different cities in my twenties, but I struggle to recall all the specific abodes within said cities. I did once live in a room in an apartment on Silver Lake that I found via a Craigslist posting that was so unhinged that the listing was actually featured on the Ellen Degeneres Show in a segment about, idk, WEIRD ROOMS FOR RENT. Perhaps one day, I will write an entire piece dedicated to that “room” (which was absolutely a converted closet) that was outfitted with floor to ceiling faux fur walls in zebra print so that it felt like I was living quite literally INSIDE a zebra, but today is not that day. Today is the day to process my most recent move — from Miami where I’ve lived for the past two years with my girlfriend on the twentieth floor of a high-rise building to a rental house with a lovely backyard in central Florida. I cannot wait to enjoy said lovely backyard on the regular, but for now I am still processing the move itself and all the curveballs it threw our way.

Even though a lot of those curveballs came from other people who are not me and my girlfriend — including an absolutely absurd and evil property manager who made this whole experience more hellish than usual — I have decided to focus on the lingering questions and critiques I have for no one other than me, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, a person who is well versed in moving and yet can’t seem to channel anything other than disaster vibes when it comes to an actual move.

Here are some very important questions I have for myself in the immediate aftermath of moving:

1. Why do I own no less than six pairs of opera gloves?

Six!!!! Pairs!!! I think the answer to this question is probably as simple as “used to be a musical theater student at an arts high school.” And on top of that personal history, I also had season tickets to the actual opera all four years of high school, but in a twist, I never once wore fancy gloves to the opera. I did once hold hands with a boy who had a girlfriend at the opera and then had to pray about it for like 3-6 weeks after.

Sorry for the poor quality of this photograph, but I am simply too busy trying to find a place to store all six pairs of my elbow-length gloves to take a properly staged photo. Perhaps you’re thinking why don’t you just give away/get rid of a few of the pairs of glove, Kayla? But reader, as perplexed as I am by my ownership of so many formal gloves, I cannot lie: They have often come in handy. For a while, I kept a pair in my suitcase at all times “just in case.” Wondering what a glove-based emergency looks like? WELL I’LL TELL YOU! Once, I was in New Orleans and was last-minute invited to a party that was both a pool party and also FUNERAL-THEMED. What does one wear to a funeral-themed nighttime pool party in the French Quarter? A bikini and opera gloves, obviously.

2. Do I really need approximately five dozen sleep shirts?

Yes, there are few comforts more satisfying than a really good, soft t-shirt or oversized long-sleeved shirt. But I sleep naked 98% of the time!!!! Surely, I could pare down to 5-6 really good sleep shirts?! But no, this is never going to happen. I’m an overly sentimental writer who has imprinted significant meaning onto every t-shirt in the “overflow” bin at the bottom of my closet.

3. Why does this never get easier and in fact seemingly get harder?

I thought for sure — FOR SURE — that this move would be cake or at least comparatively cake compared to past moves due to the fact that it is my first time moving while having a full-time job. And yes, you will not be surprised to learn that money does help a LOT with moving! Like for example, I packed my things in boxes from the U-Haul store instead of in garbage bags, which used to be my go-to. We hired movers, which was a first for me. My movers are usually my parents and my brother, and while they are significantly more affordable, this results in at least a handful of small to large arguments during the moving process, so I was happy to avoid that.

So in a lot of ways, I leveled up with this move, especially since I also am in an adult relationship with my incredible girlfriend who really did SO MUCH of the physical labor required by this move. Splitting up costs and labor and having each other for emotional support during this time was crucial, and I love that this move was a step toward building an even more stable and comfortable life together. During some of the hardest parts of this move, that was a nice thing to think about.

But the hard parts were still very hard! With so many things in life, the more you do them, the easier they get, but the opposite seems true of moving. It does not get better. It gets worse. I hope the next time I move into a new space, it’s a coffin.

4. Should I stop everything I’m doing and rewatch The L Word?

5. WHY DID I MAKE THE COFFEE MECHANISMS SO HARD TO FIND?

When two of my dearest friends came to visit me in Miami last year, I entered full Mom Mode during the trip planning and sent them a lot of details about my home to make sure things would be set up comfortably for them. In this information, I included a list of every coffee-making device I own: a French press, a Chemex, a stovetop espresso maker, an espresso machine, a regular ass coffeemaker, and a cold brew maker. This is entirely too many coffee mechanisms, I realize.

Now, a smart moving move would have been to keep all the coffee things together in a neat little box labeled COFFEE THINGS. Or, at the very least, have put the regular ass coffeemaker in a box with other kitchen accoutrement and labeled it MAIN COFFEEMAKER. But nay, I scattered the coffee devices in as many boxes as possible, and all of said boxes were labeled, simply, kitchen. The L Word got its own labeled box but not the coffeemaker(s). This made it very difficult to locate arguably the most important items on our first night in Orlando. I eventually gave up and resolved to walk to the coffeeshop in our new neighborhood the next morning. Luckily, all 47 coffee mechanisms have now been located. But the hunt will still haunt me.

6. Why are there so many bruises on my legs?

From the looks of my legs, I was apparently just running into furniture, boxes, walls, etc. for the entirety of this move. I do not recall specific instances of this, but that’s because the past week and a half (and more like the past month, if I’m being honest) has been a complete blur, and I’ve been very unaware of my location on the space-time continuum. Moving entails a lot of logistics when it comes to both space and time, and yet moving collapses space and time.

7. Will I internalize any of the lessons I learned from this move and implement better practices and solutions for the next move?

Probably not.

Five Cheap Ideas for Your Container Garden This Summer

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Look, it’s Pride, and Pride is for and about gay people, and this month, I am here to suggest that we cultivate small moments of queer joy for ourselves, in our homes, that will last all summer, maybe into fall, maybe all year, well past the end of Pride month. Because we are here all year! These small moments of joy can look any way. They don’t have to be related to gardening at all, but because gardening is a way that I care for myself and my mental health, I’m sharing some recommendations for ways we can start container gardens this summer, and raise little plants that we can care for and watch grow. You might know that I am a huge proponent of vegetable gardening, and that I do in fact have a backyard vegetable garden in the city of Pittsburgh, just minutes from downtown where I routinely have to work around our urban deer population. What we don’t normally talk about though, are the plants that one can grow on their porch, patio, balcony, rooftop, windowbox or otherwise small outdoor space. So, I’m going to focus here on container gardening. Not everyone has access to a place where they can garden, but there are numerous studies that demonstrate that gardening of any kind can be beneficial to our mental health. So, listen, my queer friend, I am all for the folks in our community accessing this means to balancing our many emotions and cultivating small pockets of joy in our homes. If you’re looking for ideas for container gardening, no matter how small your space, this is for you!

You’re not going to find expensive or rare houseplants on this list, so if that’s what you’re looking for, that is not here. I went to buy more potting soil for the first time this year just yesterday, and you know what? The price had doubled over last year! Things are expensive enough without getting precious about our plants. I literally rescued one of the plants I’m going to talk about from the sidewalk in front of an abandoned house on my street and that was 100% free to do. You don’t even have to buy a planter! I’d check out whatever you’re thinking of re-using before doing so, but also, if you’re not planning on eating whatever you’re planting, the sky’s the limit. I love to re-use my girlfriend’s plastic pretzel containers as planters, for example. Doing a few searches to make sure there aren’t dangerous chemicals that can leech into the potted soil is a good practice, but then, as long as you don’t care about aesthetics or if you’re feeling crafty and like you can jazz up a re-used planter, the startup costs here can be minimal. If you don’t have access to any or already have it, you will need to spend money on potting soil, and on whatever plants or seeds you do want to buy to put in your DIY gardening containers.

What I am focusing on here are ideas for directions you can take your container gardening in small spaces that are versatile in their use or useful in some way, that are relatively easy to come by or care for, and that are going to have the potential to thrive in a container garden. You’ll have to do some independent research, depending on your climate, to further narrow down what may or may not grow for you.

Local Flowers in Your Window Box, Balcony, or Small Outdoor Space

These cuties will look amazing dried, pressed, hanging out in a vase in your apartment! This photo’s from shutterstock.

First of all, if you don’t have a window box, you should be able to buy one at your typical big box hardware or gardening store, maybe at your local gardening store (I recommend you try that first), or, we can always turn to the great university of YouTube to figure out how to DIY a window box for local flowers or any of the following plants! Why do I recommend local flowers for a window box or small outdoor space, as opposed to a completely indoor option? For the pollinators! Your local blossoms are going to feed and nourish bees, butterflies, and an assortment of other winged creatures in addition to your own heart.

A note on [allegedly] “re-homing” plants from a wild area. Do not take anything that is the only one of its kind. Do you see more than ten of the same plant in one area? You should be okay to take one. Do not mess with any endangered species (use your phone to double check!), and do follow the rules of any park that you’re in and don’t grab things that other people are growing (should go without saying, but…). Many parks, including national parks, do not allow for removal of their plants. If I’m rehoming things, it is more often than not, from an abandoned lot or liminal space on the side of the road. Do not eat anything from the side of the road, though! This is because you can ingest lead and other toxins that way. Okay, forewarning done!

But, Nicole, you say, local, native flowers are kind of not that exciting or pretty. And I would say, not true! So, this is all going to depend on your region, so I’d do your research, but where I live, there are wild violets everywhere, for example. They’re pretty, purple, fragrant, and edible. You could also buy these violet seeds that claim they bloom all season long. The wild ones in my yard only bloom for a limited time, but would make a great, annual, addition to a window box that has several plants in it that bloom at different times throughout the spring and summer. You could also grow some bee balm. Not only is it edible, it also basically thrives on neglect. I just want you to be able to look at your tiny container garden, and even if you can’t manage to harvest the bee balm itself, to just have the pleasure of watching bees and other pollinators visit this plant.

There are some tools for finding native plants specific to your location. Look at this tool that’s in beta that ranks local plants by the number of species that rely on them! You can find native plant lists for your state here, find your local Native Plant Society, check in with local master gardeners, and more!

Grow Culinary Herbs In Your Small Container Garden

The oregano my partner has lovingly cultivated! Look at that beautiful monster. Oregano can be grown in containers, is also beloved by bees and butterflies when it flowers. Please ignore the fact that I am clearly not using pesticides on these.

Growing culinary herbs is, in my opinion, one of the best ways to bring yourself more joy, liven up your living space, and also save some money — ALL AT THE SAME TIME. They are also a great choice if you won’t have much access to pollinators where you’re planting these because the majority don’t need to be pollinated in order to be used, by you, in your queer culinary adventures.

In terms of varieties, there is so much to explore. Much like Kayla, I am a huge proponent of growing basil! But beyond that, I cannot recommend growing oregano enough. That stuff is also incredibly versatile, and I feel like fresh just packs so much more flavor than dried. Oregano is used in a ton of different cuisines, and can help you take some of your more affordable go-to meals to the next level. As an example, we make a homemade spaghetti sauce from some canned tomatoes, garlic, tomato paste, salt and honey — and adding fresh oregano makes it taste like it’s actually something. It’s also relatively hardy and is an perennial which means it comes back year after year. I would consider basil (an annual) to be a little bit more difficult to grow than oregano, if you’re just starting out in terms of caring for plants and are looking for something you are less likely to kill, maybe go with oregano. You should be able to get some oregano starts at your local gardening store, or because it tends to really take off, maybe you can ask a friend who has some oregano if you can have a small section of their plant. We were actually gifted our oregano in this way.

Culinary herbs are such an unbelievably broad category, that there are countless books on growing kitchen herbs, growing and preserving herbs, and growing and preserving culinary herbs from a homesteader’s perspective. I do recommend researching how to preserve some of your herbs, because your own personal dried herbs are definitely going to taste better than whatever’s been sitting on the grocery store shelves for who-knows-how-long. An extremely basic way that I do it is by taking a length of twine and two bundles of herbs that are about as much as I can grasp in my fist. In the case of basil, I’d have the whole plant, and in the case of oregano, I’d have as much of the stem as possible included for this method. Then, I take the twine and tie it around one of the herb bundles on the one end, and around the other herb bundle on the other. Now you have a length of twine with one bundle of herbs, hanging upside down on each end. Then, what I usually do is hang it from one of the nails above any of my doorways where the previous owners used to hang a cross. You could hang this anywhere that is decently far from windows and has good air circulation. In about 2 weeks or when the herbs are completely dry, take them down and crush, crumble or grind the usable parts up and put them in jars. Are you one of those queer people who keeps cleaning and saving glass jars? NOW IS THEIR TIME TO SHINE!

Finally, growing less common (items not typically available in US supermarkets, is how I am defining this here) herbs can be ultra rewarding. I grew some horehound from seed last year in my herb container garden and it has come back to join me again this year! Last year, I mostly made simple syrups with it for making my own sodas, but it’s an herb traditionally used in candy-making, so maybe this year I will actually make some other sweets with it? Who knows! It has a flavor that is kind of like rootbeer + menthol, if you’re considering it.

In terms of building up a single container garden or a few small containers, your herb choices are your own and all depend on your goals. Do you want to not have to buy herbs from the grocery store this summer? Do you want to experiment with less readily-available flavors? Do you want to construct a window box solely around the goal of making syrups for your coldbrew coffee? I made a mint and lemon balm simple the other day and it’s actually amazing? You could grow mint, lavender, horehound, and honestly I’d throw strawberries into this simple syrup container garden, but that’s getting ahead of things. There aren’t really any wrong choices here. You do you!

Here is a completely incomplete list of culinary herbs you can grow in containers (it’s most of them) that you should be able to find starts of at a gardening store:

• oregano
• basil
• thyme
• mint
• rosemary
• cilantro / coriander (I have difficulty with this one, but a warmer climate may have more success)
• lavender (I also have difficulty with lavender and so do my neighbors, but again a warmer, drier climate may see more success)
• parsley
• tarragon

In terms of growing from seed, in addition to horehound, I’ve also grown my own fennel, and have saved the seeds to make tea. Again, your space and your desires for your container garden are your only limits here.

You Can Grow Medicinal Herbs (And Herbs For Purposes Other Than Eating, Such as Smelling) At Home, Too!

Some of my mugwort growing! For identification purposes, note its silvery under-hairs (which appear in the photo as just a white-ish back of the leaf). If you dig it up, you’ll also see that it has a tap root. The leaves are pretty distinctive, too.

Now, I’m not a doctor and this isn’t medical advice. And, before using any herbs for medicinal use, you should consult with your doctor because they can have all kinds of complications with preexisting conditions and medications. Wikipedia points out that “Cancer Research UK caution that there is no reliable evidence for the effectiveness of herbal remedies for cancer,” so, again, there is a real hard limit here as to what plants can do outside of modern medicine. Also, you might be individually allergic to what is generally considered a relatively safe plant. Usually, when doing research, you can find a sort of “if you’re allergic to X, be careful about trying Y” kind of explanation for the plant. I like to test for allergies by thoroughly rubbing the plant into my inner wrist and waiting a day to see if there’s any reaction, but again, that’s no fool-proof at all. That’s just a personal level of comfort I have. Please do be careful! That said, once you’ve checked your boxes, talked to your doctor, done your research, and decided that you want to grow your own herbs for medicinal (or I’m also going to shoehorn spiritual purposes in here), I don’t see why not. I certainly do it, and when I do, it’s for your more common everyday ailments, stuff you would take over-the-counter meds for, not see a doctor for.

In terms of my own medicinal herbs that I grow in my container garden, I just harvested a valerian plant that is currently drying in a doorway. Valerian can be habit forming and also has been shown to have poor interactions with folks who have liver conditions, so again, caution. I use it only very occasionally to deal with muscle spasm or pain, usually in my back. You know that thing where you twist your back wrong and now it’s hell on earth? I use it when I’m dealing with that. Additionally, I plan to grow some feverfew this year because my partner bought some feverfew migraine bitters from a witch friend of hers and they actually work for her. So, again, it’s about learning from our individual bodies and determining from there. I also grow yarrow in one of my containers, which I use to make an iced tea for an upset stomach.

You can also grow medicinal herbs for topical use. An especially interesting application for this would be making your own toners and such! All the same cautions apply because, look, you don’t want to put something on your face if you’re allergic to it, so make sure you get dot your I’s and cross your T’s with this. Though I’ve never done this in any way beyond making a tea with something, letting it cool, and applying to my face, it does seem like it would be fun to pursue making more shelf-stable toners and skincare items. You can grow witch hazel in a container, for example. Does anyone do this or make their own herbal toners? I’d love to hear about it!

Finally, I don’t know where to put this, but it falls under: herbs for other reasons! One such reason to grow herbs in your container garden might be scent alone. My girlfriend plans to turn a large part of our lemonbalm harvest into candles this year because it contains citronella. She’s going to have to infuse the lemonbalm into avocado oil and then mix that with wax and pour into molds (old jars again!) with wicks to make candles and that sounds like an excellent use of that plant because one can really never have too many citronella candles in the summer. You can definitely grow lemon balm in a container! It’s very hardy. Another herb I grow is mugwort, which I burn (dried) in little herb wands for spiritual reasons. It’s a common herb that is native across Europe and Asia and northern North America, but it also spreads easily, and I found some growing along the sidewalk outside an abandoned house just up the street. Technically, it’s edible and commonly eaten across the world, but it’s also, at the same time, toxic. So, I am not going to advise that you eat it (although the reason I’ve re-homed a plant that is an invasive weed and put it in a container is explicitly so that I can grow it in guaranteed-lead-free soil for my own personal culinary/medicianl use), but I am going to advise that if you do, you look into how to do so safely. People eat and have eaten plently of toxic or partially toxic plants, but that doesn’t mean doing so can’t have health consequences! Especially and specifically, pregnant people should not ingest this plant as it can induce miscarriage. Warning’s over so here are two facts: Second-to-last fun fact about mugwort is that it is one of the ingredients believed to have been traditionally included in witches’ flying ointment, because it allegedly has some hallucinogenic properties, which, again, you can look into if that interests you. Final fun fact about mugwort is that it was used in brewing beer before people started putting hops in beer. Facts! I love to list them!

You could, honestly, cultivate an entire container garden of herbs that you use just for the purpose of scenting candles and oils, or that you plan to include in simmer pots or to burn for their scent. A lot of the culinary herbs discussed above, can also double as herbs you can grow for their scents. If you’re not much of a cook but want to have things that smell nice around you, this might be a good route to consider for your container garden.

If you’re wondering where to get started with medicinal herbs, this is an area where I really do recommend you check out some books on the subject. Luckily, your local library likely has more than a few reference books on growing herbs and herbal medicine, so I recommend starting with a couple from there and cross-referencing the info you find, narrowing it down to a few herbs you want to try. If anyone has any favorite books on the subject, I hope you’ll share them in the comments!

Cute Fruits You Can Grow In Containers

You can grow strawberries on your porch, balcony, in a window box, more! Photo from Shutterstock.

FRUITS! You might be thinking…like a lemon tree or a fig tree? And yes, you can grow a lemon tree in a container, or a fig tree, and a lot of people do, but I really know very little about fruit trees! Mostly, I’m going to talk to you about some easy, small fruits that are not trees and that you can grow in small-ish to medium-ish containers in your container garden.

First up, we have strawberries. These babies are actually perennials. You can grow them from seed or you can get them as starts from your local greenhouse / garden shop. They’re very common, so I imagine you won’t have too hard a time finding them. I was afraid that my grown-from-seed strawberry patch wouldn’t make it through the winter, but it is currently thriving, so I am going to say, if you’ve got the climate for it, don’t be afraid to try growing strawberries from seed. I did not get a ton of strawberries the first year, but as with many perennial fruits, year two is looking like it’s going to be a good one. It might be a little late this year to start from seed, so I do recommend going and getting some pre-grown strawberry starts. These cuties do need pollinators in order to grow their fruit, but if you have access to an outdoor space where you can set these, I know a number of people who successfully grow strawberries in containers, and you can, too! Plus, any strawberry connoisseur knows that home-grown strawberries have 10,000% the flavor of store-bought, so your joy-to-effort ratio is super high here. If you don’t grow enough strawberries to reasonably, eat, too, there are ways to extend their flavor. You can make a strawberry syrup that you can put on ice cream or in mocktails or cocktails, OR you can make homemade strawberry ice cream with them, that way, the few strawberries that dot your little batch of ice cream will have been just enough. Although technically a vegetable, I also want to note that after three years of this plant pouting, I am *fingers crossed* successfully growing rhubarb in a container, which means you can, too. Will I make vegan strawberry rhubarb ice cream this year with the ice cream maker I got from goodwill? Only time will tell. This are the first recommendation on this list because I am pretty sure you should be able to grow strawberries in most spaces, including a window box.

Next, you have huckleberries! These are native North American plants, and are related to tomatoes, actually. I’ve seen it recommended that you’ll eventually need to put these in the ground in subsequent years if they survive the winter, but you can grow them for 1-2 years in containers, and some people do think you can grow them indefinitely if you have a large enough container. I started mine from seed last year and I got enough fruit from them to use as a compote for pancakes a few times. (You could also just put them directly in the pancakes). They also started growing whole new plants from random dropped berries that then fruited well into the fall, so if you want to start some huckleberries from seed right now, I honestly don’t think it’s too late. Note: you have to cook huckleberries. Don’t eat them raw!! These plants are on the bigger side (ironic because the berries are so wee), but if you wanted a fun, annual berry that is tart and not too sweet and has a gorgeous purple color, and you have the space, why not?

You can also try ground cherries. Ground cherries grow pretty quickly from seed, but you also might be able to get transplants. Good Housekeeping apparently recommends just about four plants per household. These are nice because once they mature, you’re going to be picking fruit from them most days through the fall. When I grew the Aunt Molly’s variety last year in containers, I was picking a handful of ground cherries a day from two small plants for a while there. I should note that I’m not currently growing any because, honestly, my girlfriend didn’t like them, and when there is limited garden space, you gotta grow what you like! They have a less sweet-than-commercial-fruit flavor and an almost, tomato flesh texture and are also high in pectin so are great for preserving. They grow in husks much like tomatillos. I really like them!

It’s also possible to grow blueberries in pots. And these fuckers are so expensive, so if you’re trying to grow fruit at home, this might be good to consider! Like raspberries and blackberries, you need at least two separate bushes in order to fruit, so make sure you have enough space for both of them near each other. It’s kind of cute, right? I think of them as being in love. Two blueberry bushes should be plenty for one household and though you might have to hunt around, you should be able to find some blueberry plants at local nurseries. Usually, these cost a bit more than your average transplant (I’ve usually seen about $16 for a young plant, but it depends on what you have in your area). Honestly, because blueberries like so much drainage, if you have soil with a lot of clay in it like I do, growing them in a container might be a better bet than trying to grow them in the ground!

Dwarf and Otherwise Small Vegetable Varieties

Because you CAN grow tomatoes in your container garden, too. Photo from Shutterstock.

Now, I note in both of my other two gardening articles, which veggies you might be able to grow in containers. Outside of huge vegetables like corn, or very large squash plants, I honestly think that a lot of vegetables are suited to container gardening. I have a vibrant memory of standing with my grandma on a warm day on her back porch. She grew a ton of vegetables out back and practiced all kinds of traditional canning, drying and preservation techniques to feed her family. She’d set up a trellis all along the back side of that porch and below it, containers in which she’d planted what I think were sugar snap peas. She had me hold my finger very still near one of the seeking, gripping tendrils of one of the plants until it wound around my little, child’s finger, and then she showed me how to take that curled tendril and wrap it around a part of the trellis to train the plant to grow there. So, I’m not going to tell you that you can’t grow full-sized veggies on your balcony or porch or what-have-you if you’ve got a good setup for that, but here, for the purposes of this article, we’re going to think small. We are growing smaller-than-normal sized veggies in small containers.

First, I think container gardens are ideal for your shade-loving greens. Your lettuces, kales, arugulas, bok choys are all going to do much better if you can give them some shade, and when I grow these, I tend to move them around and out of too-direct sunlight, depending on the weather. These are great to grow if you have nothing but shade! Seriously! They’ll do much better. Every year, I go to the nursery and get a small tray of lettuce starts because I have trouble getting them to sprout from seed reliably and then I keep them in containers in shade, often well into July. They’ll also do well if you start these up in the fall and you can even grow them under protection like a glass cold box or lil mini greenhouse well into late fall and the winter. For lettuce varieties, if you pick leaves from the outside in and only harvest a little from each plant at a time, you can keep these going and your salads incredibly fresh for weeks and weeks. Queers love salads, yes? Imagine the joy of a fresh salad you literally just picked! If you are looking for a simple way to grow a few veggies in a container in limited space, I sincerely feel that greens may be for you.

Second, did you know that there are dwarf varieties of some plants? Like this dwarf variety of peas! They grow very short and small and all you have to do is push these down into some potting soil in a container garden, keep it watered, and watch it grow. Peas are also self-pollinating so if you don’t think many pollinators will be visiting your space, these are for you. You can also grow teeny tomato plants. Look at those sweet baby angels! With a tomato plant this small, if you started it now, I bet you could bring it indoors once it got too cold (so long as you had a sunny enough spot).

I imagine above you were like “Nicole what is a cold frame?” if you didn’t already know. So, a cold frame is basically, a kind of green house, but not one you walk inside. It is just for the plant, and it is a way of extending the growing season of certain plants. Many greens, as well as things like the above dwarf peas, are ideal for growing in cold frames. You can buy mini greenhouses that you could put on a balcony, porch or patio. But it doesn’t have to get expensive like that. You can go as easy as using a clear plastic bin that you can lower your container garden into (you’ll need to drill holes) as a cold frame or you can go as hard as building it from wood and glass windows.

OKAY my beautiful, hopefully inspired and energized queers, what are you growing? What are you going to grow? What about your plants brings you joy? I’d love to know. And because the plant kingdom is unimaginably large, I am 100% certain I haven’t even brushed the surface in terms of what you might be able to grow in containers in your small outdoor or window box space. I would love to hear from you all in the comments about what you’re doing and your approaches!

Nine Vegetables Procrastinating Queers Can Still Grow from Seed in May!

Hey there, my procrastinating yet effervescent gay friend. I’m so glad you’re here and that you’re contemplating the possibility of growing at least one vegetable. And are you here because you’re wondering what vegetables to grow from seed in May? That’s great!! We’re doing great. I’m here to tell you it is not too late to plant some vegetables right now, this very month in fact! I am also in this situation, in your shoes, that I am by some quantum miracle standing in your shoes at the same time as you with this problem —  I have been overwhelmed with work and all things life and have not planted my garden and now I need to need to seriously get on my game and get some seeds into the ground. And you! You can still sow many of these vegetables from seed in May and then reap the rewards, in some cases, as soon as June!

In my particular part of US Zone 6b, the climate’s pretty rainy and also has serious heat waves that last for weeks, but with a growing season that drops off by mid October. It’s too cold, too short a growing season for a lot of vegetables that might be easier to grow in more southern zones (eggplants die in my garden, sweet potatoes are spindly shadows of their southern cousins). You also can’t as easily grow plants that prefer cooler climates in the middle of summer, but if you’re more north, you might get away with this.

So, what’s in this list? We are listing vegetable seeds you can plant, now! Why seeds? Seeds are cheaper than seedlings or starts — you can get an entire pack of seeds for about the price you might need to shell out for a single seedling, depending on the plant, and you’ll get a bigger harvest from an entire seed packet than a few plants. You won’t see things like tomatoes or peppers on this list because those needed to be started a minute ago and if you really must grow tomatoes or peppers, you’re going to have to go to a greenhouse and get some seedlings. I’m sorry. It’s May and that’s just the way it needs to be if you want any kind of a reasonable tomato situation. The option to pour your love and attention into a tomato plant you start from seed does exist, but you have to know that if you do this now you might get, like, a single tomato for your efforts. This seems like a pretty unfulfilling relationship is all I’m saying.

So, none of the following seeds need to be started indoors at this point. In fact, most do better if you direct sow them. “Direct sow” means just putting those seeds into the ground instead of starting them indoors. More gardening terms: when I say “succession planting” that means, instead of planting something all at once, you’ve planted some, then wait for a period of time, then planted more in order to stagger the harvest. “Full sun” means 6-8 hours of sun, “partial sun/shade” is 4-6 hours of sun a day aaaaand none of these will be shade plants. Make sure you read the directions on the seed packet before planting anything (look for spacing directions and follow them, etc.), and if you’re feeling zippy, you could also give the variety a Google to see what people recommend! There is oodles of gardening advice out there, including some gardening advice previously published right here on this very site!

Before you start sowing your vegetable seeds, however, a warning, especially, as a helpful commenter pointed out, for those in East Coast US / Rust Belt cities, which is to screen your garden soil for lead. You should take samples from several points in your garden and get each of them screened. Alternatively, if that isn’t do-able, then the raised bed route might be your best bet. My girlfriend’s constructed me simple raised beds from some reclaimed untreated lumber. (Which means it is not the pressure-washed and treated, POISONOUS arsenic-laced kind of reclaimed lumber okay? Please be careful!) You can make raised beds out of all sorts of things just check to make sure the materials you’re using aren’t hazardous as hazardous materials can leech into the ground and into your food and into you! You’ll also need to go purchase some soil if you aren’t sure of the contents of yours, which, again, is an added expense. However, at the end of the day, it might be the best route for you, and also, container gardening is a great avenue for anyone growing vegetables on an outdoor concrete pad, balcony, rooftop or other urban gardening situation.

Let’s grow some beautiful plant babies!

This post was originally written in 2021 and updated/republished in 2022.

Carrots and Beets

Be sure to keep your carrot seeds damp after you sow them and well through sprouting. They do not like to dry out!

You’re bold. It’s almost too late for these. They grow best in cool spring weather, so it is time to get MOVING on sowing your beets and carrots.

The reason these are ranked as “most difficult” is that you need a certain soil consistency for these to do well. Beets and carrots can actually thrive in raised beds and containers because of the level of control you have over the soil, but you need to make sure the containers are deep enough. Root vegetables prefer loose soil that also retains water and somehow also has good drainage. So, if your soil has a significant clay content, like mine, you’re going to have trouble — moreso with beets than carrots. Carrots are kind of tough and will battle their way through the soil as best they can and then you’ll just have kind of funny looking carrots. Beets will tucker out and refuse to grow if the soil’s not loose enough. So, if your soil is full of clay (You can tell just by handling it. Does it feel like clay and stick together a lot and is really heavy…like clay?), I recommend just giving up and growing these in a container or raised bed. Carrots can be used to better the soil, but we’re growing vegetables for validation here! We want results!

Notes for growing carrots and beets from seed: Make sure the seeds remain damp for the couple of weeks or so it takes to get them to sprout. You can also plant these two things together and they’ll help each other out. Once they sprout, you’ll need to “thin” them. Just make sure only one plant is growing per spot. I recommend using scissors to snip away extras so you don’t disturb the root. Congrats, these extra seedlings are 100% edible so now you can sprinkle some carrot seedlings on top of your toast in the morning (wash them first please) and feel super fancy. Bonus note: beet greens are edible, great sauteed. Carrot greens are edible, make an awesome pesto.

What you need to know about carrots and beets as vegetables you can grow from seed in May!

Sun / Shade: Full sun
Time to Sprout: 10-14 days for beets, 14-21 days for carrots
Time to Harvest: 50-60 days for beets, 60-80 days for carrots
Container-friendly: Yes!
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevant

Peas

I love to pick fresh sugar snap peas in the morning and have them with breakfast!

The absolute first thing I would get in the ground right now are some peas. Peas are one of my favorite vegetables seeds to plant in April and May. You are almost too late for these, but we’re not here to follow the rules, we’re here to get some things in the ground! These are soooooo easy, except for the trellis. New to gardening? Get some sugar snap pea seeds. You can eat them off the vine and it will make you feel like you’ve done everything right. Peas are relatively easy once you figure out the trellis situation, most varieties are ready to start harvesting in 60 to 70 days (a short period of time for vegetables), and the difference between fresh peas off the vine and store bought is really night and day, which is why they have VIP, completely reserved space in my spring garden this year.

Need a trellis? You don’t have to buy one! You can use your knot-tying skills to make one with some twine, or you can make one with chicken wire, which is what I’ve done because it’s really pretty fast once you get a little used to working with the chicken wire. Unroll it at least 5 feet, preferably more, attach it to things so that it slants from the bottom of the ground, upward, either by using the ends of the chicken wire itself, zip ties, twine, or other wire. You can attach it to an existing fence, or width-wise between two boards that you then lean against something, like the side of a building. A twine trellis can be hung from above like a rope ladder, which it is, but for pea vines. This is chicken wire. You will also need pliers or wire-cutters in order to cut it. Bonus: you can also use the chicken wire to keep critters out of your garden.

Container Gardening Tips for Peas: If you need to conserve space, I recommend trying a dwarf variety of pea. Some don’t even need to be trellised. These will grow in containers AND all peas are self-pollinating so you can grow them in places where you won’t have a lot of pollinators like bees coming around. Also, peas only need partial sun so if you have a shadier situation, they’re a good option.

What you need to know about peas:

Sun / Shade: Partial Sun
Time to Sprout: 7-14 days
Time to Harvest: 60-70 days
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Self-pollinating

Bush Beans

Bush beans are the easy baby sibling of pole beans. Be careful, though, when sowing your green beans. I’ve found that birds LOVE to pick these out of the ground. You might want to cover them with a cage, chicken wire, or a net until they sprout.

Beans are best to direct sow because they have delicate little roots and they hate it when you mess with them! Sow them where you want them and leave them there. As with any of the vegetables listed in this post, they’ve had human intervention that has helped cultivate them into the varieties we have today, and it’s important to recognize the thousands of years of labor and knowledge that have gone into the varieties that you consume, including some of our most common strains of beans, many of which are indigenous to the Americas. The genus Phaseolus are the way they are today because of indigenous farmers in North and South America who intentionally cultivated these varieties over millenia. That’s thousands of years! The Phaseoli are your pintos, your limas, but also, runner beans which are incredibly exciting because of their flowers! I’m planting this variety and am as thrilled by the prospect of flowers as I am of beans.

Beans can be roughly divided into two types, based on their trellising needs: pole and bush. Pole beans require trellising, bush beans don’t.

We’re covering bush beans because this list is supposed to be for gardening procrastinators who want to grow vegetables from seed this May, maybe after a quick trip to the store, and you maybe didn’t have time to get a trellis together! With bush beans, there’s no need to worry about that — they just grow on their own, in a little bush, thus their name. So if you don’t want to or aren’t able to make a trellis situation happen, this is a great route. Green beans of the bush variety will give you a continuous harvest for a while once you have them planted and fresh green beans are the best. You can buy seeds for blue lake green beans and do all the things you normally do with them once they’re done growing.

They also don’t need to be fertilized much since they make their own nitrogen, making them a great companion plant (a plant planted near another plant that helps it grow) for nitrogen hungry vegetables.

Now, for the reason these beans aren’t ranked as having more ease — I recommend you soak the beans overnight. This will require you to do some foreplanning, about 12-24 hours of planning ahead, but I believe in you! Put the beans in a dish of water the night before you want to plant them. You are now 1% less of a chaotic queer.

Container Gardening Tips for Beans: You can plant beans in a container, especially bush beans! Make sure your soil’s deep enough and just do your best with the spacing instructions. They’re self-pollinating so you don’t have to worry about hand-pollinating or getting some pollinator insects to visit. Great for a little outdoor patio or balcony situation that gets a lot of sun!

What you need to know about bush beans (which are an excellent choice to grow from seed in May):

Sun / Shade: Full sun! Heat!
Time to Sprout: 6-10 days
Time to Harvest: 40-60 days, Note: I like to go out and pick these each morning when they’re fruiting. You want to do this to keep the plant producing more beans.
Container-friendly: Yes!
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Self-pollinators!

Pole Beans

Pole beans a hardy choice of vegetable to grow from seed this May! They are also just a great choice, I think, if you want to grow a vegetable in your garden that will taste seriously different fresh than it does from the supermarket.

Pole beans are next up! These are still super easy to grow, but they do require something to climb. You can use anything from a fence (one that has enough gaps for them to hold onto), to a trellis, a pergola, to, yes, poles that you literally stake up next to the pole beans. You’ll want whatever they’re climbing to be at leat 6 feet high, but ideally up to 8 feet. These are supposed to be planted after your last frost date which might not have even happened yet, they love sun and also will do well all summer long so you know what? No need to worry that you feel behind on gardening. Grab some beans and get going!

A bit about varieties here! There are some of these that you eat fresh, much like bush green beans. For example, Blauhilde beans are best used fresh. I love to just fry them up with butter and, yes, they are amazing. I grew these last year and picked some off the vine at least every other day while they were producing. On the other hand, you might try something that is more of a baked bean or a soup bean, such as the Good Mother Stallard bean. For these, you don’t harvest every day — from the time you sow their seeds in the ground, you just take care of them (water, weed, keep pests away) and let the pods dry out on the stalks. Dry beans aren’t harvested until they are all the way dry and the pods have released them inside of the pod. (Check your seed packet for an estimate on when this might be but it will be some months.) Then, yank out the whole plant by the roots and take it somewhere to pluck all the pods off the plant and “thresh” them or remove the beans by hand. Maybe get a friend to help you or put on a nice podcast. Store in some of those (clean!) glass spaghetti jars you’ve been hanging onto if you’re anything like this queer over here, and admire your handiwork. You actually now have beans you can use now — or that you can enjoy in the fall and winter! Look at you!

What you need to know about pole beans if you want to sow them this month:

Sun / Shade: Full sun! Heat!
Time to Sprout: 5-10
Time to Harvest: Like 3 months (check the seed packet but also use your observational skills! They will rattle when dry!)
Container-friendly: you could do a raised bed for sure
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Self-pollinators!

Squash / Pumpkins

Do you have room in your garden / place you are growing things? Do you love squash? Do you want to grow your own pumpkins for Halloween? My spooky friend, now is the time to get those in the ground. These will need lots of space. An advantage of pumpkins specifically is that they’re good for reclaiming space from invasive species because…pumpkins win? In Pittsburgh, we have a huge knotweed problem (an invasive plant maybe also holding the whole city up because everything is built on cliffs and hillsides — I try not to think too much about it). Anyway, planting pumpkins in an area knotweed is trying to take over actually results in just… pumpkins! Magic.

Squashes also include zucchinnis which are legendarily easy to grow and productive, if you’re looking for what is maybe the hands-down easiest variety of squash. Winter squashes, deceptively, get planted now and are just harvested much later. These include your pumpkins, also things like your acorns and your butternuts.

I BELIEVE you can successfully grow some squashes in containers, but have not attempted this myself. Squashes like to spread their viny selves all over the place, so you will still need s p a c e.

Pollination and Other Notes for Squashes: Squashes DO need to be pollinated by pollinating insects, but you can actually hand pollinate these. Have you ever wanted to be the bisexual unicorn for two squash blossoms looking for a third? Now, you can! Hand pollinating is what it sounds like. You can get a cotton swab, old toothbrush, whatever and go scoop up some of the pollen from the male blossoms and then gently deposit it in the female blossom and spread it around. Here is a good visual for what to look for in male vs female squash blossoms, both of which are on the same plant. You can also pull the petals off the male flower, pick it, and stick the stamen into the female flower, but then you don’t have a male squash blossom to eat, which is sad because you can eat the male squash blossoms when you’re done. Don’t eat the females if you actually want squash, though! Blossoms are great battered and fried or stuffed with cheese (or your chosen briney, vegan stuffing) and baked.

Squashes may be the #2 most pest-ridden plant I’ve ever planted. (#1 being close-to-the-ground-greens slugs get after.) These squash bugs are a menace. If you’re okay with it / not attempting 100% organic gardening, diatomaceous earth works well for keeping these under control. I use it sparingly, but find it helpful. You may want to avoid it if you’re avoiding pesticides entirely. I have also seen people deal with squash bugs by manually removing them with tape. Like, get a roll of sticky tape and use it to stick up all the pests. This seems like a good idea because squash bugs can bite so you don’t want to just be reaching in there and scooping them up!

Also, I am just kind of looping cucumbers under squashes here. In my garden, they’ve experienced the same pest issues but are also, I hear from folks in the comments, pretty easy!

What you need to know about squash and pumpkins before planting them from seed this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun
Time to Sprout: 7-10 days
Time to Harvest: really depends on your variety, but REALLY easy to tell just by looking. Is there ripe squash? You sure? Is it about time for this squash to be ready? Yes? Pick it.
Container-friendly: Yes?
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Needs pollinating

Dill

Fresh dill, or dill weed, is a delight AND really easy to grow from seed. It doesn’t seem to me to be very picky in terms of soil and you don’t have to do much besides churning the soil around a bit with a trowel and sprinkling the seeds on top. (Skip the digging if you’re planting in a pot, just sprinkle). You can succession plant dill so you have fresh dill all summer long. This is great for omelettes, pickles, salads and dressing, anything you want dill in. Super easy and more cost effective than if you were to buy this much fresh dill from the store. Bonus points if you save the seeds for next year or dry some dill for the winter.

What you need to know about dill to grow this veggie from seed this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun, deals okay with shade
Time to Sprout: 10-14 days
Time to Harvest: Once the leaves are ready, fully mature after about 90 days
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevent for eating, but should take care of producing seeds itself!

Radishes

This Fairy Tale Theater episode, starring Shelley Duvall, and the witch’s radishes within will haunt me forever. Are you a witch or witch-adjacent person who wants to grow your own “special radishes”? Wherever you’re coming from with gardening, radishes are magic. They sprout within a week, grow super fast and mature within 22-70 days. You’ll know because their tops will peek out of the soil when they’re close to ready. You can also succession plant these seeds for more radishes! Another thing to do with radish seeds is to plant them near other plants that you want to lure pests away from. They’re basically a sacrificial vegetable, then, that you use to keep pests occupied while other, more delicate plants like your carrots and beets grow. Radishes are also fun for kids to try because of their quick turnaround time, but that doesn’t mean you need kids to bask in that productive feeling that comes from seeing radishes sprout after just a few days.

What you need to know about radishes to plant them this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun but also not the fussiest
Time to Sprout: 2-5 days
Time to Harvest: 22-70 days, depends on variety
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevent

Arugula / Rocket

Are you craving something that is really, really easy? Easier than anything else you have going on right now? In need of something that can come together faster than answering a slightly in-depth email or even washing a load of dishes? ARUGULA, friend. It’s arugula. I just throw these seeds around into empty areas of the garden like Johnny Rocket-Seed and once they sprout, you have arugula in a little over a month. You can succession plant arugula for a good while though it doesn’t love heat. This is a great way to have fresh salad greens that have not turned to slush because you forgot them in your crisper drawer. It doesn’t grow well in mid / high summer though, so get planting. Arugula also grows really, really well in containers, especially if you have partial shade. Can probably also be grown indoors. Pick it before it bolts (flowers). What are you waiting for? Plant some of this leafy green veggie this May and then tell us about all the arugula dishes you get to create!

What you need to know about arugula and rocket to grow them this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun but tolerates shade
Time to Sprout: About 7 days
Time to Harvest: 40 days after seeding or when the leaves are at least 2 inches long
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevent

Melons

Bold of you. Bold of me! Are melons a vegetable? They’re in the same family as squashes and cucumber so I feel fine about looping them in here. These are another one where, like your pole beans, you are actually not late to the party! These like the heat so you actually want to be planting these after your last frost date. My absolute latest possible frost date for my region is mid-May. You can look yours up here.

Now, I hate cantaloupes and most kinds of melon excepting watermelon, so I am just going to pretend we’re growing watermelon and only watermelon! Don’t show me your cantaloupes! Watermelon is a vegetable (or fruit if you like) that can be planted even in regions skirting the edge of too cold so long as you plant these vegetable seeds after mid-May. Of course, if your region is warmer, you can get right to it! Again, check your frost dates, or just wait until the daily weather is hitting more than seventy degrees or so each day and the soil’s had some time to warm up.

These are big plants, much like their squash friends above. You’re also going to need to keep those pests at bay, and be in there weeding and taking care of these babies. Another note: the watermelons you get might not be nearly as big as the ones you see at the supermarket. That’s okay!! They might ripen with a diameter as small as your hand. Read up on the seeds you’re purchasing for more info on the variety. However, if you choose to go the growing-food-from-supermarket-plant-seeds route this May, you could wind up with anything (including something that does not quite resemble the plant you got it from — because genetics). These need warm soil and plenty of time to grow, so, again, make sure you are looking at the time you’ll have to grow these (until your first frost date of the fall) before you get going! I’ll be really curious if you decide to throw some watermelons into the mix for the vegetables you’re planting this May! Let me know if you’re trying them in the comments!

What you need to know to grow watermelon:

Sun / Shade: Full sun
Time to Sprout: 5-10 days
Time to Harvest: 3 months or more
Container-friendly: not really
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: one plant can pollinate it but you’ll need bugs to help (or you can get in there and help yourself!)

OKAY! What vegetables are you growing from seed this May now that you’ve read this? What veggies HAVE you planted already? Which of these vegetables are you going to grow from seed this May? What do would you recommend folks plant? We’d love to hear more from you and see your sprouts in the comments!

How To Post A Photo In The Comments:

Find a photo on the web, right click (on a Mac, control+click), hit “Copy Image URL” and then… code it in to your comment like so:

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You Could Be Growing Basil Right Now

Okay, but listen.

You don’t need to start from seed. You don’t need to become a farmer dyke overnight. You can absolutely just head to your grocery store and pick up a potted basil. They’re $5 at my Publix. A package of basil doesn’t cost much less than that, and when you use it up, it’s gone forever. And then you have to buy another one. But meanwhile you could have a pot of basil that just keeps on growing. It’ll pay for itself over and over!

Or, you don’t even have to go to a grocery store. You can go to a hardware store and into its garden center, which always smells to me like running errands with my mother. They’ve got lots of potted herbs. But I recommend basil, because it tends to be strong, resilient. You can keep your pot indoors or on your balcony or your fire escape or wherever you like, really. So long as it gets some water and some sunlight, it’ll thrive.

The thing about growing your own basil is that you’re going to consume a lot of basil. You gotta harvest it regularly to promote growth. But of all problems to have, doesn’t this one sound nice? Having just simply too goddamn much basil? The dream!

Think of all the things you could be making with basil. I made Taiwanese popcorn chicken with fried basil, and now I’m like…more things should be topped with fried basil! Just drop some leaves in some bubbling oil and watch them turn into dark shards of fragile green glass in a matter of seconds. Throw those shards on some instant ramen! And then eat it immediately before your basil glass loses its crunch!

Or, skip the frying process and just thinly slice basil into little ribbons to top your instant ramen, your pasta, your bean stew, your fried rice.

YOU CAN EVEN FREEZE BASIL!

And on the topic of frozen things, you can make basil ice cream or lemon basil granita. You can also look at those recipes and suddenly remember that you still haven’t bought the KitchenAid stand mixer ice cream attachment, even though every three to four months you think about buying the KitchenAid stand mixer ice cream attachment.

Do you know how easy it is to make basil simple syrup?! Bring a cup of water to a boil, turn off the heat, and add anywhere between 1/4 cup and a whole cup of sugar (it depends how sweet you like it!), and stir it until the sugar dissolves. Then drop 10-15 basil leaves in there and let it steep for 10-15 minutes. Use it in cocktails or mocktails. Put what you don’t use in an airtight container and pop it in the fridge for next time.

Make a pesto!!!!!!!!!

Make tomato sauce!!!!!!

Make a pan pizza and DON’T put basil on it at first. But then when it’s completely done cooking, throw some fresh basil on top.

A delicious, lovely caprese salad — or caprese tower! — is not just something to be ordered in a restaurant! You can make these at home! You can make crostini and roast a whole head of garlic and then spread a layer of roasted garlic on each crostini and top them with tomato slices, fresh mozzarella slices, and leaves of basil and then drizzle everything with balsamic.

Your home is gonna smell real good.

So I Bought the Gay Green Couch

In June of last year, Twitter user kikosdreamworld tweeted one simple, devastating fact:

“every gay girl wants a green velvet couch.”

https://twitter.com/kikosdreamworld/status/1402826144496324608

I was shook because I, a gay woman, was currently hunting for a new couch and my top choices were emerald green and olive green. I was in a perpetual state of saving up for the couch and then running into financial emergencies that took those funds away for, arguably, more important things.

Perhaps I wasn’t ready for the gay green couch. I polled my close friends on Instagram to help me find a couch that would match a new rug I got for free from a date. Yes, they brought the rug on the date. Yes, I also got a new pair of shoes from this person. That’s lesbian dating.

In any event, it took me almost a year to acquire the gay green couch. I was torn about buying it before an impending move, but I found the most charming couch for sale and didn’t want to miss it, so I used a paycheck I got from writing to buy this new couch, and, reader, it’s a stunner.

This couch is a velvet emerald green with elegant arms, an almost ruched back, and little walnut wooden feet. It was five days late arriving and came in a weathered box weighing in at 56 kg. I had been asking friends all week to help me move it but two of my housemates ended up being up for the job.

So I got the gay green couch. What’s next? Assembling it.

The instructions for putting this couch together stated in bold print “this is a two-person job! don’t try and do it by yourself!” and I said, “I’m a dyke” and proceeded to try and put it together by myself.

The first step was unscrewing some screws with an Allen Wrench, and while most of them came out without hesitation, two of them were unprecedently stubborn. I was already in a tough spot. Nevertheless, I persisted, telling myself I would get them undone at the last minute.

I anchored the arms to the front base and slid the back of the couch into place with relative ease. Then I ran into my problem: The screws I couldn’t unscrew were integral in the next step.

I sent a sweet but pleading text to the house group chat asking for help again. The guy in the apartment next to mine came to my rescue with two (2!) sets of special Allen Wrenches and his gay wit.

The screws weren’t coming out because they needed a different wrench, and my neighbor had just the right one for the job. He helped me lay the base of the couch in place and strap on the cushion. Then, the deed was done. I sat on my couch triumphantly in my matching green Parade legging and bralette set. I was feeling very butch, girls! Even though I did ask for help, I still put most of the couch together by myself!

The instructions for the couch said to set aside an hour for assembly. It took me three. I put on some music and got to work with my toolset and my deeply underutilized muscles. I lay on the couch breathless, yet feeling triumphant, and dreaming of all the things I wanted to do on the couch.

These are the things I will do on my gay green couch:

Faint

While the style of my couch is not a fainting couch, it is a three-person seater and fits nicely in a one-bedroom apartment. So I plan to use it to be as dramatic as humanly possible. A poem got rejected for publication? Faint. I get another job rejection? Faint. An old flame reemerges in my life at 2 a.m. on a weekday? Faint.

I truly believe it is the regal velvet emerald green that lends itself to these kinds of antics! I never fainted on my old couch, a bulky cream sleeper with blue and orange stripes that I sold on Lex. While sturdy, it just wasn’t exactly built for Victorian-era escapades.

This new couch is perfect for this kind of carrying-on and I fully plan on using it for such.

Write Poems

I’ve already written a whopper of a poem on this couch, but I can only imagine that more will pour out of me when I sit on it again. A problem I have with this couch is that it’s so beautiful I just want to look at it, not sit on it. So I’ve been sitting mostly in my stylish pink living room chairs. But, when I do sit on the couch, poetry sort of does…flow out of me.

I’m writing poems about lesbian longing, about breakups, about bad memories. The sheer support and force of the couch against my body is lifting the words out of me. It’s magic, pure homosexual witchcraft. This piece of furniture has turned me into a more sensual woman and I have to commemorate it with some deeply sexual poems.

Kiss a Beautiful Woman

Full disclosure, I haven’t kissed someone beautiful in a long time. Every time I come close, we have another variant rising up out of the ether and I’m too scared to venture out again. And, to be honest, I don’t really see myself getting involved with anyone before I move. A move across states encapsulates so much work that I get exhausted thinking about it.

But when I am settled in my new home? Oh baby there’s gonna be some kissin. So much in fact I might have to revamp my morning and nightly lip care routines. So much kissing it is gonna be alarming to hear about, and trust me you will hear about it. Watch this space as they say. Nothing more than kissing though because I don’t want to get fluids on the velvet.

Take Thirst Traps

If you don’t follow me on Instagram or aren’t one of the friends I send sexy photos to, you may not know about my thirst traps. They are quite exquisite. They are alluring, sexy, captivating, legendary. My boobs, my hips, my thighs, all that meat on display! For free most of the time! It’s really a public service. A lot of people deserve to see me in a bodysuit or a garter.

I’ve already taken some very risque pics in a lavender babydoll that are just…too hot to handle. I know that if a beautiful hot sexy woman sent me pics of her lying half-naked on a forest green couch I would absolutely lose it. I would be having fevered dreams. I’m very attracted to myself if you can’t tell :).

Cry

As I am making a huge life change in the coming months, I imagine I will be crying a lot on my couch. I got my old couch with my ex. We picked it up at a sketchy man’s house in a far-out neighborhood and lugged it up the stairs ourselves. We fought on that couch, had sex on that couch, I did a lot of crying on that couch in the weeks leading up to our break up.

It’s only right that I shed some tears on this new couch, not full out sobbing but the kind of cry where you kind of let the tears roll then dab them away bashfully with a silk handkerchief. Which reminds me, I need a silk handkerchief.

As I move I’m also leaving behind two of the most important relationships I have, my two therapists. So I imagine I’ll be crying a lot over that and crying with my new therapist who I have to open up to and tell my whole life story to again. Like girl read the notes!

Contemplate My Future

I spend a lot of time thinking about my future and it only stands to reason that I would be doing the same on my new, fit-for-a-queen couch. I’ll be barefoot, curled up in the corner of the couch with my notebook, writing out all the things I want in the next five years of my life. I’ll think about my future wife, books and other projects to come, and how maybe if I want it bad enough, I could possibly grow a few more inches.

I have more hope for my future than I’ve ever had in my life and this new couch is a huge part of it. I’m now a sexy lesbian with a velvet green couch, nothing can stand in my way! The world is my oyster and this is that scene in Ratched, you know the one.

Read a Book

Picture me in my smart glasses, reading a book of poetry and going “mmm” out loud at particularly poignant lines. I lick my finger as I turn the page, brow furrowed, sharpie pen poised in the air as I underline lines that strike me. Reading on the couch is one of my favorite past times, but I imagine on this new couch it will be a more alluring endeavor. Like maybe I’m in a negligee, the sheer silk failing to conceal my alert nipples. Or something like that.

I use a bookmark from my favorite local bookstore to keep track of my place in the book. Maybe I’m writing a review of this book or going to put it into In Verse. Who knows, but I look damn good while doing whatever I’m doing.

Break Somebody’s Heart

Picture it, you and I are dating. I have invited you over to “talk.” You’re nervous because you kind of know what’s coming. I offer you sparkling water or a glass of juice. You decline and sit on the edge of this comfortable, luxurious couch. I place my hand on your thigh and tell you things just aren’t working out. Maybe I have met someone else, or maybe things just aren’t going as we expected.

You’re crushed, but also absolutely enthralled by the sheer quality of this velvet, the deep green of the couch like an inviting, warm forest. You can feel it against your thighs, your hands, you feel like you’re being sucked into the couch but supported by it at the same time. It’s a mind game, this couch. You want to cuss me out but you can’t because I look like a vision against the stark, emerald green. I’m smiling politely at you waiting for your answer.

You’re not in love with me but you will miss the couch.

What do you think I should do on the Gay Green Couch? Let me know in the comments!

Notes for a Queer Homemaker: How To Clean Your Kitchen

Welcome to your second class in worldmaking 001! Last time, you learned how to deep clean your bedroom, and today, we’re getting into the only other room in my house that I always have struggled with keeping clean: the kitchen.

The kitchen is such a vital place in the home. Notorious gentrifiers and purveyors of well-priced linen-cotton blend duvet covers Chip and Joanna Gaines have been known to say that the kitchen is the heart of the home and the thing is, they’re right! It’s where you often start and end your day, it’s the place where the things that materialy nourish you are housed.

In the play, black girl love by Ari L. Monts (lol), one character reflects on the importance of a clean kitchen as an “I’m-too-nervous-to-tell-you-I-want-to-make-out” tactic:

HONOR
You have good books too. Books are important. John Waters, you know that crazy ass white dude who made Hairspray? I remember reading like a GQ or a Vanity Fair interview with him where he said something like “don’t sleep with someone if you go over their house and they don’t have any books,” or something like that. My mom also thinks you shouldn’t sleep with someone if they have a dirty kitchen because you know…what if you’re cuddling in bed after and you go to get a drink and they got roaches? Like can you fucking imagine?! Oh my god I would die. And you’d probably be butt ass naked and just…(she shudders, and peters out.)
Silence.

Is the moment over?

Because the kitchen is so used, it’s one of the quickest rooms to get messy. I’ve always said washing dishes is the most unsatisfying chore because as soon as you finish, you have more dishes to wash! It literally never ends!

My hope in crafting this guide for cleaning your kitchen is that it makes the task never feel daunting, even when your kitchen is absolutely a mess – and believe me, your kitchen will be a mess more than once if you use it as it’s intended to be used. Which is also a beautiful reminder about housekeeping in general: mess is a sign of a home being used. What’s more beautiful than that! So, take a deep breath, put your rubber gloves on, and without further ado:

The Kitchen

1. Make a List

You did not think I’d forget about lists, did you? Your list will keep you on track. You list will keep you happy. Your list is your friend!

2. Tools

Lots of these tools are repeats! Which means you can look back into the bedroom cleaning guide if you need specifics. I’ll let you know if you should use something other than what I suggested for bedrooms.

• Timer: for keeping you on track

• Microfiber towels: for stovetops, windows, your stove/oven, and any other shiny things

• A bunch of rags/paper towels/recycled newspaper/recycled paper bags

• Sponge(s), bottle cleaners, and anything else you’ll need for washing dishes: I believe you should have at least two sponges for dishes (one for scouring things, one for pots/pans with coatings that cannot be scratched), and one for counters. .

• Trash/recycling/compost bags/bins/whatever your home uses: Here’s the thing. Yes, you need bags with which to remove trash from your home. Also: I think the trash should be taken out every single day. Maybe many times a day. I think trash cans inside of a house are incredibly gross to me! I do not like having a trash can inside of my home, but I live with someone for whom it’s important. Which means that when I deep clean my kitchen, and when you deep clean your kitchen, you will need to not only take out the trash, but clean the trash can. WHICH IS WHY I am anti-trash can. I know. It is unpopular and inconvenient, but it is my inconvenient truth.

• Broom

• Vacuum (small handheld one if you have it, for getting into cabinet corners)

• Mop

• Appliance specific cleaner (if needed): If you’ve got an induction-top stove, you might want to bring along a box cutter, and the specific cleaning solution suggested by your stove manufacturer. If your oven doesn’t have a self-cleaning setting, you might want to bring some oven cleaner. I would suggest trying DIY oven cleaner before buying it; you’d be surprised how easy it can be to clean an oven with heat and time. This website offers you some great suggestions, and guess what, the winner is baking soda and water.

• Glass cleaner

• Pipe cleaner situation

• Scrub brush: If you’re going to use it on the floor and the counters, I’d suggest getting two!

• Dish soap or dishwasher liquid

• Favorite room scent if that’s your thing (incense/candle/etc)

• Baking soda

• Favorite AP cleaner

• If you don’t have a split sink, a wash bucket for dishes: I’ve recently learned people disagree with using a dish bucket, but I don’t understand how one can properly wash dishes without soaking them! So, unless you have a split sink, I really think you should try it! Look for a “dishpan” or a “dish basin” or a “bus box” that fits into about half of your sink. If you’re really feeling fancy, get two buckets, or a split bucket, so you can have a wash sink and a rinse sink.

• Vinegar

• Favorite sanitizer: to sanitize things. Lysol, bleach, or your favorite sanitizer from the store.

• Favorite tile cleaner (or a floor cleaner for whatever kind of floor you have): to mop your floors. The great thing about tile floors is any all purpose cleaner will do. Read the instructions (which usually specify dilution), or use the vinegar/water/dish soap mix I suggested in the bedroom guide.

3. How To

Okay, I’m thinking about the kitchen kind of like a hierarchy of needs situation; at the top: clean dishes. It’s impossible to always have clean dishes and therefore that need is never fully met, but it’s what we’re always working for! In the middle, we have the reminder to always check our dates and make sure we don’t have old food. Food goes bad! It is our job to slow that down, or dispose of the food in a way that keeps our kitchens clean once that’s happened. And at the bottom are floors so clean that one could eat off of them. Again, impossible! But clean floors make an entire kitchen feel clean, and I think keeping a clean floor is the thing to aim for if you can do nothing else.

Sanitizing and Prep Work

• Boil any old sponges: When I dropped the claim that you should maybe have at least three sponges, maybe you thought, why? The reason is because the counter sponge should not be used to wash dishes and the dish sponges shouldn’t be used to clean counters. Ideally! But we live in a society and maybe you don’t want 3 sponges. The solution (and honestly something you should be doing even if you have three sponges) is to boil your sponges as often as possible after use. Sponges are nasty. They hold on to disgusting things. Boiling water can and will safely clean them. Drop them in boiling water for about 3 minutes after using them (and at least once a week) and then dry them somewhere where they’ll be able to air-dry completely (so, not flat on the counter). If you’re doing this at the start of a big clean, you want to do this early so the sponges can cool off enough for you to use them if needed.

• Take out the trash/recycling/compost: Do this now, even though you’ll probably have to do it again at the end. It’s good to start with as blank a canvas as possible.

• Fill sink/dish tub with HOT water and soap (and soak the dishes): This is, for me, the first step to washing dishes. You especially want to soak anything with something hard/crusty/old stuck onto it. I use enough soap for the soaking dishes to look like they’re in their own little bubble bath

• Fill rinse sink with cold water and vinegar: Cold water and a cap-full of white vinegar will rinse your dishes until they squeak and will help them to dry quickly.

• Sanitize any windows, doorways, etc: Similarly to in the bedroom, this is a quick step to remember to clean the high touch areas which are easily forgotten. Cabinet door handles, fridge handle, doorways, key hooks, window-sills, etc.

• Start cleaning the oven: Put down whatever oven cleaning method you’ve decided upon, and let it sit for at least an hour. Alternatively, start the oven self-cleaning function! I LOVE a self-cleaning oven! But beware that most (safe) ovens with a self-cleaning function will lock the oven for up to five hours because the entire range gets way too hot to safely use. If it’s summer, crank the AC or turn on lots of fans.

Quick Tidy

Pull out your timer for this quick cleaning portion.

• 15 min gather dishes from around the home: If you are like me, there are always mugs where they don’t belong and random spoons on dressers. Go grab them, and put them in the sink to soak with any other dishes getting washed!

• 15 min removing non-kitchen items from the kitchen: Same thing as above, just opposite! Has a magazine been living on the counter for a few weeks? Move it. Mail piling up? Sort through it and give it to the appropriate housemates, or recycle it! Dirty kitchen linen pile taking over a cabinet? Bring the linen to the laundry basket.

Spot Cleaning

• Clean stove exhaust fan: I’m gonna hand this one over to Melissa Maker.

• Wipe down/check smoke detector: Please do not be like me and keep your smoke detector stuffed into a drawer. If you’re using it well, it makes sense that you’d need to take it down, wipe it down and test it every few months. Make sure the batteries work and make sure there aren’t any stains from that soup you overboiled last week.

• Clean window screens + windows: The bedroom guide has all the nitty gritty if you need it.

• Spot clean spills on walls/ceiling: Pull out your favorite cleaning rag, your favorite all purpose cleaner, and get to work on those walls. Kitchen walls, especially near the stove, are honestly dirtier than you think, and it’s good to give them a little wipedown. If you have painted walls, you’ll need to be mindful of accidentally wiping off the paint, and you should start with something more mild, like soap and water before moving to a more intense cleaner.

Cabinets/Fridge

• Take everything out: Yes, everything! And if we’re really deep cleaning, you should take any refrigerated food out and put it into a cooler on ice, because you then want to unplug the fridge. The first step to actually cleaning a container that holds something is to remove the things it holds. For me, this is a big difference between cleaning and tidying.

Cleaning is a little bit disruptive! You’ve got to remove everything from where it goes, and then really look at the space and determine whether or not you’re using it well before putting it back together. The second step of this cleaning process is therefore the re-evaluation step.

• Re-evaluate: Do you really need three boxes of Cheerios? Is there a way to consolidate them, or can you give some away? After you’ve removed everything, really get in there and ask yourself why you have what you have, is it still good, is the way they’re being stored helpful or harmful, and what to do going forward. If you don’t already, I’d suggest keeping a roll of painter’s tape in the kitchen to keep the dates on things you cook so you’ll know that you aren’t storing food longer than the FDA says is safe. The re-evaluation step is really just a reminder to make sure you actually want what’s in your shelves and refrigerator.

• Wipe down: Food can make things sticky! Get out a rag and some AP cleaner and go at it.

• Re-organize: This can be as intense as deciding you need to buy acrylic bins for everything, or it could mean that you use the old jam jars you’ve refused to throw away to store all your snacks so you actually know what you have. We’ll talk more about organizational systems when we talk about the home office but just know, it doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s organization system. If you feel organized, that’s good enough.

Dishes

We’ve made it almost to the end! I wash dishes very close to last because like I said, dishes are never-ending and if you wash them at the beginning, even if you don’t stop, somehow, there will still be dishes at the end. So just let them soak throughout, keep adding any stray dishes into the pile, and wait. When it’s time to begin, dump out the water, rinse the vessels the dishes have been sitting in if there’s debris, and pile the dishes up next to the sink by type (plates, cups, bowls, silverware, etc).

• Cleanest to dirtiest: Wash your dishes cleanest to dirtiest. This not only keeps whatever sponge/dishrag situation you’re using the most sanitary, it also makes your life easier. Think about it, the soapy water will still be usable after washing a few spoons, but after washing the pot you made shakshuka in, it probably might not be! In order to lessen the need to replace the water you’re using to wash dishes (the warm, soapy water, I suggest washing cleanest to dirtiest. This usually means in my home we wash cups first, then silverware, then bowls, then plates, then pots/pans/cooking utensils, then baking dishes.

Don’t forget to wash things like your water bottle and spoon rest, they are filthy.

time for my quarterly reminder to bleach your water bottle it’s filthy

— bat v’lo ben. bat v’lo isha. (@alaraemnts) September 20, 2020

To actually wash your dishes, start with adding a dime sized amount of dish soap onto your sponge/dishrag and circularly clean your dish. Dunk it into the soapy water a few times throughout the process to help begin to rinse (this is not the final rinse, as soapy water would leave residue). Use your fingers to feel the item you’re washing–does something feel oily, or crusty? Then it’s not clean! get to scrubbing! Use the scouring side of your sponge to really get in there if you need.

• Rinse in vinegar/water solution: When you’re sure the dish is clean, then rinse it in the cold water/vinegar solution. It should take 2-3 dunks. Set the dish on a drying rack or towel until you’re ready to buff the dishes dry.

• Buff dry: If you can, I think it’s always better to immediately dry off and put away your dishes. If they need to sit out, the world will not end! But when I want a clean kitchen, drying dishes doesn’t fit the vibe. Use a fluffy towel and dry until you don’t see any more streaks! If you use the vinegar trick, this will be quicker than you think!

• If you have a dishwasher, loading it well is the key to getting your dishes clean. Here’s one way of going about it:

Closing

You’re basically done! Just like we cleaned our bedroom from top to bottom, you want to do the same in the kitchen which means we end with sweeping and mopping our floors. You should also wipe down your oven if you haven’t already! You learned how to do that in the bedroom guide, but there’s one more step that without it, I think you can’t have a truly clean kitchen.

• Clean Your Sink: I shit you not, there is nothing I love more than cleaning my sink after washing dishes. I have a long, trauma-related history with dishes (I know it sounds weird to say!) where a deep source of pain has become a healing/resetting ritual that I have written about before. And cleaning the sink is the final part of that ritual. I use bleach, because I love bleach. I spray down the entire sink and even the space around it, I make myself a cup of tea that I will take with me when I’m done cleaning the kitchen, and I light a candle. Then, after the tea is made and the candle is lit, I take my sponge and using the scouring side first, scrub down the sink (if you have a porcelain sink, don’t use the scouring side! it will scratch the coating). Then I rinse it down and wipe down any remaining suds towards the drain. I put away the sponge, I take my tea, and I turn on the little light above the stove. The kitchen is clean.

And now we’ve reset. The future is new and exciting.

18 Queer Florists to Follow on Instagram

I started arranging the flowers myself. It started as a pandemic hobby and then bloomed (sorry!) into something more. I won’t lie: It’s frustrating, time-consuming work. I learned that to make flower arrangements that looked the way I wanted them to, I’d need to be patient. I’d need to accept mistakes and learn from them. I’d need to treat arranging flowers the same way I treat cooking food: reject perfectionism, and embrace improvisation and adaptability. Cut a stem too short? Okay, time to reappropriate that piece. Need some extra filler in a vase but run out of flowers? Let’s get some fresh herbs in there — why not! Pierce myself with a rose’s thorn? Bandage the blood and keep going. I also flooded my Instagram feed with queer florists. I don’t pretend I do what they do; they’re professionals. They’re artists. My arrangements have their place. In my home. They’re imperfect, and they’re very me, and I like it that way. But I like to look at other arrangements for inspiration, observe how they play with textures and lengths and take notes. I would never try to mimic them exactly — again, I’m more of a dabbler/amateur! But it’s nice to see how the pros do it. And if nothing else, it means I get to see lovely floral photos every time I open the app. Here are some queer florists/queer-owned floral shops worth a follow! I’ve included where they’re located, so if they’re in your city, consider hitting them up for your floral needs! Some are still accepting orders for Valentine’s Day. Planning a gay wedding? Check out potential vendors on this list!

Coy & Co (Portland, OR)

https://www.instagram.com/p/CY-ZFGSrN_v/

Whit McClure (Los Angeles, CA)

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A post shared by Whit McClure (@whit_hazen)

Note: This is the incredible queer florist behind the florals in The L Word: Generation Q season two’s eighth episode!!!!

Best Friends Flowers (New Haven, CT)

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A post shared by isabelle in the plants (@fairy_meadow_flowers)

stempowered_ (Portland, OR)

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A post shared by S T E M P O W E R E D (@stempowered_)

Golden Wild Florals (Lakeland, FL)

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A post shared by Golden Wild (@goldenwildflorals)

Daisyhead Florals (Sacramento, CA)

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A post shared by POPPY+POT (@poppyandpot)

Moon Jar Design (Los Angeles, CA)

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A post shared by MOON JAR DESIGN | flowers by gray ✧ (@moonjardesign)

J. Lea Florals (Jacksonville, FL)

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A post shared by JESSI // JAX FLORIST (@j.lea.florals)

@roseparchment (Laguna Beach, CA)

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A post shared by Jane! (@roseparchment)

Something’s Blooming (Los Angeles, CA)

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A post shared by Los Angeles Wedding Floral Designer (@somethingsbloomingla)

Behold Floral Design (Dallas, TX)

https://www.instagram.com/p/CYMeaUnFh1j/

Elizabeth Cronin / Asrai Garden (Chicago, IL)

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A post shared by asrai garden (@asraigarden)

LULO+LY Floral Studio (Brooklyn but also Australia)

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A post shared by LULO Floral (@lulo_floral)

Sable Blooms (Arcata, CA)

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A post shared by Sable Blooms (@sableblooms)

Miriam Bloom Designs (Brooklyn)

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A post shared by Miriam Bloom (@miriambloomdesigns)

@flower_shop_phl (Philadelphia, PA)

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A post shared by 🔻ALTERNA FLORA🔻 (@flower_shop_phl)

Floreography (Arlington, MA)

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A post shared by floreography designs (@floreography)

Jewel Sales (Los Angeles, CA)

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Notes for a Queer Homemaker: States of Being, Not Moral Designations

If you know me personally, even a little bit, it’s no surprise that my “guilty pleasure” is following stay-at-home moms and homemakers and other women who are forging new relationships with things considered “traditionally feminine.” I’m Jewish, and so lots of those women are Jewish, many of whom see following the Jewish laws around family purity, or niddah, as important to the way they structure their lives. The laws of niddah center around behavior determined by whether one is in a state of ritual purity or impurity. TL;DR, misogyny has transformed these states of being that determine how one acts into moral designations that have made folks who have periods (and historically, specifically women who have periods), feel as if they are lesser because they bleed.

What the Instagram ladies are really into debunking right now (and what I’m going to connect to housekeeping and domesticity, I promise), is this idea that a state of being is or should be a moral designation. This was a powerful moment of unraveling for me as someone who often finds that I determine my worth by how clean and tidy my home is, as if a mess is an indication that I am somehow a bad person. What my hobbyist’s interest in the laws of niddah has opened up for me is the danger in morally assigning value to a physical state.

It is so easy for me, especially as a cat owner and roommate (after living alone for five years), to feel like my mess is an indication that I’m a shitty person who doesn’t care about my housemate having a positive living experience. When someone tells me that they can smell my cat’s litter the first thing my brain goes to is thinking that I’m a terrible person. This not only isn’t true, it often stops me from being able to find a solution; instead, feeling overwhelmed by shame.

And, of course, we know the reason behind this is misogyny! Alongside misogyny comes the binarisation of work, and when you’re not good at domestic life and you’re a woman (or someone who was raised to see themselves that way, or you have a complicated relationship with being a not-a-woman-but-of-women’s-experience), then you become a bad woman, a bad person. The state of our work, of the things we do, has become attached to our worth in a way that I don’t think it has for cis men. Let’s make housekeeping one of the places we begin to intentionally unstitch these things from one another.

As we queer homemakers deconstruct our relationship with domesticity, part of it is a reminder that it is not a way to morally designate ourselves as better than anyone we know, it’s a way to make our homes our own. It’s worldmaking. It’s creating little utopias for us to practice in while we continue the work of building a better world. So we shouldn’t see the state of our homes — whether they’re pristine or filthy — as indications of who we are as people. Some of the best people I know have roaches (I’m not eating over their house but that doesn’t make them bad people).

I wish this had more practical tips in it, more ways for you to clean hard things that sometimes lead to you feeling like a shitty person, but that’s the thing. You’re not shitty. Even if your roommate passively-aggressively vacuums at 9:43 pm in front of your door. Mess happens. Disorder happens. And it requires us to behave differently — not having folks over if/when you just need to wallow in piles of dirty clothes — but it doesn’t mean we are bad people.

And the thing about it is that we never stay in one state of being forever — just think about the dishes. As soon as they’re all clean, you use one, and then suddenly your sink is full. I want you to be the best housekeeper you can be. And if and when you can’t, I want you to know more than anything, that you’re still a good person.

Notes for a Queer Homemaker is a regular column that publishes on the fourth Friday of every month!

Notes for a Queer Homemaker: When Company Comes Over

It’s that time of the year! Or at least, historically, now is the time of the year when we put on our silly little velvet dresses and add glitter to our eyeshadow and find sparkly tights that make our legs look great and travel from house to house for some form of holiday frivolity. Instead of focusing on the fact that we’re going on season three of a pan dulce, why not go back in time with me.

Picture it: 2019, all your friends and a new hot friend of a friend you want to flirt with are coming over in three days to toast for the new year. And you couldn’t help but wonder, is your house clean enough for guests? What steps do you need to take your home from a place that’s clean enough for you to live in to a place that uses cleanliness (amongst other things) as a sign of welcome and hospitality towards your loved ones?

1. Smells matter

Have you ever walked into someone else’s home and it’s not dirty, per say, but it just… doesn’t smell like your home? Our noses are so, so sensitive, and whether or not it’s conscious, they affect our ability to be comfortable. Think about the comforting smells of your favorite pie cooking in the oven. Now think about the smell of New York City on a hot August afternoon. I imagine that one of these smells (pie) makes you feel more cozy and comfortable than the other (garbage city).

I’m not saying your house smells like rotting garbage in the summer to someone else! But I am saying, what may feel like a neutral smell to you is not neutral to someone else. When preparing for guests, think about how you can neutralize the smells in your home, or even make them more pleasant. A quick and easy thing that everyone can do is turn on all the fans, open some windows, and air out the home for 30 minutes before guests begin to arrive. If you’re like me, and have pets who live with you, think about getting an air purifier. I have noticed that things smell so much less stale when I run it for even 20 minutes a day (pro-tip, run it after scooping litter if that’s a thing you do).

While keeping in mind that some guests might be scent sensitive (always check in), another thing you can do is light some candles or set up an essential oil diffuser. I like to stay away from things like chemical air fresheners before guests come because it can be a bit overpowering, but in a pinch, 15 minutes before, they can be really useful as well.

Are you cooking dinner? Set up your schedule so that something really delicious is in the oven or simmering on the stove when folks come over. Nothing feels heimish (homey) quite like the smell of soup boiling and bread baking.

2. Lived in, not a museum

I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it: a museum house is not a fun place to visit! Do you ever go over to a friend’s place and it’s so clean that you just like, sit on the edge of the couch and are too afraid to ask for water and sit on the toilet on your phone for just a few seconds too long because you just need a moment to let loose?? Yeah, don’t be that friend’s house!

Leave a half-finished puzzle on the table — your guests can work on it while you put the finishing touches on dinner. The few toys your kids or your cats left on the floor are charming, do not take them away. Now, if the entire living room is covered in toys, please try to wrangle them somewhere before any company arrives, but signs of life in your home remind people that this is a home! It should feel home-like.

3. Okay but do clean your floors

I know I just said it’s okay to have things on the floor, and yes, it is. But if you’re like me, and you ask people to take off their shoes before walking through your home (because the streets of New York are disgusting and my cats eat off the floor of my home), then please at least sweep before folks come over. I’d love it if you could mop, I really would, but I also recognize that may not be an easy task.

My general rule is that if the floor is not clean enough that someone will either leave with noticeably dirtier socks/feet then the floor is not clean enough for guests. And I should clarify, I’m talking like a dinner party — so five or more people. If my floors aren’t pristine and a friend is coming over, honestly, I’d just lend them a pair of my clean socks. Being hospitable doesn’t have to mean pulling a 90s suburban mom.

4. Offer an (easy) task for early arrivals and folks who stay late

I hosted some friends for Shabbat in early September, and after talking around the dinner table for literally three hours, someone got up and started washing the dinner dishes. And then someone else was like “okay where’s your tupperware,” and then before I knew it, all my friends had cleaned my kitchen and we’d talked for 45 more minutes. They didn’t want to leave! And I needed to clean the kitchen before bed. I could’ve said “no, no, I got it,” but then they would’ve left before they were ready to leave, and I would’ve prepped to host, hosted, and cleaned up after.

A lot of what I was taught about hosting and being a good homemaker/housekeeper by observation was “do it all by yourself.” There was this idea that needing help around the house meant that the host wasn’t good at hosting, that they had too much on their plate. What if instead we changed the way we thought about hosting as a way to invite someone into your life at home.

What if instead of trying to have it all, you purposefully left the table unset and let someone else do it when they arrived? When a guest asks you how they can help, have a few options for them! There is no gold medal for doing it all on your own, and life together is so much more fun anyway.

5. When all else fails, close the door

Sometimes, you just need to close the door to a room and say that it is off limits for guests. When I lived in a townhouse, that was my entire second floor. The first floor was pristine. Shiny floors, clean walls, smelled amazing. The second floor was where I threw literally everything that stood in the way of presenting a clean and welcoming home.

Throwing things behind a closed door is not a permanent solution to untidy living, but it can be a solution to cleaning up before guests arrive. And here’s the reason: everyone doesn’t need to know your whole life! Inviting someone into your life doesn’t have to mean inviting them into your entire life. If you’ve just got too much clutter to truly clean up but you really want people to come over and watch When Harry Met Sally on New Year’s Eve, this is permission to shove a bunch of stuff in your room/under your bed and host.

Opacity in life is healthy. Keep a little mystique. I know I love to give a little tour when my friends come over, but babe, nothing ruins the vibe like an absolutely filthy room. So just close the door, point to it and say “that’s my room” and keep it moving.

Hopefully these tips make hosting feel more accessible to more people (although, please heed the guidelines of your local health authorities right now about hosting because Miss Omicron is truly everywhere). I wonder what are your go-to tips for hosting? Do you enjoy inviting people into your home life? If not, what stands in the way of that? What did I miss???

Notes for a Queer Homemaker is a new column that will publish on the fourth Friday of every month!

Notes for a Queer Homemaker: Tips From Someone Who Loves You

I got a good enough education in housekeeping. I grew up with a mom who valued tidiness, I had chores like washing dishes and washing clothes and cleaning my brother and my bathroom every other week. I also am not and was not afraid of asking “hey how the hell do you do that?” about things I didn’t understand from well loved and trusted homemakers.

I have become the person people turn to when they wonder how to clean their cast iron or the best way to revive their wooden spoons. I love that. I love that I get to be a trusted person to help people achieve domestic bliss. And the more I’ve become the go-to friend for housekeeping tips, the more I’ve realized that a lot of the things I consider the basics of housekeeping were never taught to some folks! Not everyone had a loved one teach them (usually over and over again) how to do a housekeeping task.

Many of us are getting into the season of hosting and cleaning that comes with the holidays, and I hope that this makes preparing for company feel a little easier and brings a little order to what can sometimes feel like an unhinged time of year.

1. “I don’t care if you use my stuff, just put it back where you found it.” – Persephone Hall (aka Mom)

This is the key to my mom’s skill as a homemaker. She said this to my brother and I more times than I can count (when she was really angry she’d say “shit” instead of “stuff” and we’d all try really hard not to laugh). Whenever she takes something from the place where it lives, she puts it back. Almost immediately. The lesson here is: everything has a place, and should remain in its place. The majority of mess in my apartment is because I take something out and never put it back. If you’re always putting things back where they belong, you’re never gonna have to take hours out of your day to clean things up because you never let the place get messy.

2. Clean bed, clean head.

I’m sure you’ve heard some form of this; it’s a touch cliche, but it’s an important mantra in my life. When my bed is full of books and vape pens and my phone and random socks I’ve taken off in my sleep and the sheets are akimbo, I don’t sleep well. When I don’t sleep well, I’m more likely to become unorganized. When I’m unorganized, I’m messier. The choice to not keep my bed made and uncluttered can result in my entire apartment falling into disarray. It takes me around 4 minutes each morning, and there is a noticeable difference in my day when I do it.

3. “Throw a little bleach in that dish water!” – Margaret Monts (Granny)

Listen, do this at your own risk. I am not saying this is safe!!! But! If you don’t have kids or pets and aren’t forgetful and it won’t damage your dishes and you happen to have the luxury of a split sink, maybe try it. At the top of each morning, my grandmother would put away all the dishes she dried last night, fill one sink with super hot water, a squirt of dish soap, and a cap full of bleach, and would drop rinsed dishes into that water throughout the day. At the end of the day, she’d drain the water, refill the sink with fresh hot water and soap, and wash the dishes (you should wear gloves — she probably did not). Her process helped prevent the water from getting murky and sanitized the dishes. On days when I’m throwing a dinner party, it’s a nice way to keep a huge stack of dirty dishes piled up, and makes it easy to do a quick load when I’ve got a free moment.

Also, clean your sink (and honestly, as much of your kitchen as you can bear) at the end of the night. Morning you will be deeply grateful.

4. The best way to fold a towel is in thirds.

I do not make the rules I just follow. Fold your towel like a brochure, and then fold it over itself into thirds again. This keeps them nicely compact and your towels look nice displayed in a drawer or linen closet.

5. Stop soaking your dishes for 4 hours.

Hi, I love you, and you’re soaking your dishes for too long. If you’ve got a stuck on food situation, here’s what you do: add VERY HOT WATER to cover the dish, a squirt of dish soap, and let it sit while you wash all your other dishes — 10-15 minutes max! And then, use some elbow grease and clean that dish. Do not let that thing soak all afternoon, you will not be more excited to wash that pan at 8pm than you were at 4pm, I promise.

6. Vacuum in lanes (also you should cut your hair similarly).

This tip comes from my Grandpa, a barber of 60 years, who will tell you with all seriousness that the way to vacuum and cut grass is exactly like how you cut hair. Don’t go all over the floor with no plan, use clear lanes. You don’t want to miss anything, and you’ll get those super satisfying vacuum lines when you’re done. It’s a good tip! I am not a barber though, so don’t trust me telling you how to cut your hair.

7. Your home is not a museum.

A home should be beautiful, whatever that means to you. Your home should generally be tidy and well organized and clean enough. But your home should not be a museum. It’s easy to go from someone who doesn’t enjoy cleaning to someone who just shoves everything away and leaves only bare spaces. But that’s not a lived-in home! That’s not comfortable or cozy. Keep your book on the coffee table. Let the cats soft toys be on the floor. Making a mess shouldn’t be the end of the world, it’s okay if there are imperfections. Those often end up becoming the charming spots your guests remember fondly.

8. Wash your sheets more.

I do not want this to turn into a place of judgement. This is a safe domestic space. But the thing is, we do not, as a society, wash our sheets enough. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but I do want to encourage you to maybe wash your sheets like… 1.5 times more often than you do. And wash your pillowcases each week. We do a lot of skin shedding and farting and drooling and other body stuff on our sheets. To help us stay healthier and keep our spaces feeling and smelling fresh, let’s wash our sheets a little more frequently.

9. Sweep with the grain of the wood.

Plus, use boiling water when mopping (please be careful), old t-shirts are great for replacing dry mopping, and iRobots will get themselves caught in floor cords if given the opportunity.

10. Your clothes will last longer if you separate them by colors; also don’t use the dryer if you really don’t need to!

I split my laundry into six different groups. Whites, lights, brights, darks, kitchen linens, bed linens. The difference between lights and brights is something I do wholly because my mom did it. Lights are like, khakis, lighter greys, pastels. Brights are really just… any non-muted color. If I’m feeling really fancy, I will also split out all my denim into their own load. And I don’t really put anything into the dryer except kitchen linens and towels. Everything else gets hung to dry. It saves electricity and it also makes your house smell like your fabric softener! Free air freshener!

11. Buy yourself flowers. Keep fresh flowers in as many rooms as possible.

Because you deserve luxury.

What other tips and tricks have people you loved taught you? What are the housecleaning / housekeeping / homemaking / domesticity 101 tips that you also think everyone should know?

Notes for a Queer Homemaker is a new column that will publish on the fourth Friday of every month!

9 Holes in My Haunted House, Ranked by Lesbianism

I’m not a lesbian, but you know what? I sure do think lesbians are great. My partner, Sadie, is a lesbian. She’s the best. Many of the people I work with here, at this incredible queer indie media outlet are lesbians, and they are also great. You know what’s not at all okay, though? The number of holes in our house — that’s what! This isn’t the metaphorical house that is Autostraddle, no, this is the house that Sadie and I live in, and it has real (not metaphorical) holes! How’d they get there? Well, the thing is, it has to do with decisions made by the previous homeowners, but if we talk about the prior residents too much out loud, the hauntings increase in their activity. So, I’ll leave it at that.

I assure you, dear reader, my partner and I have the ability and the skill to patch these holes, to repair these holes, to fill these holes — but we don’t have the time because Autostraddle Is Fundraising.

So, from me to you, from one homo in a home just trying to have solid walls to another, I am asking: will you consider chipping in $5 or $50 so we can get to the finish line? We’re almost there and each and every dollar makes a difference. Every cent goes toward filling holes in our budget so that we can keep this space here and pay our queer team — and then I can fill the holes in my house. Will you help?

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I hope you did help and thank you if so! Onward!

Firstly, Some Proof of Our Repair Work

Sadie’s an excellent forewoman and has one of the steadiest hands with a paintbrush you’ve ever seen. I am a beast at demo and pretty speedy with a drill — and together, we just get it done.

Why so many holes? It was the place we could afford and that’s how it works sometimes. All we need is time. But unfortunately, we at Autostraddle are understaffed, we still need to find an ad sales gay, and we are still running a fundraiser which has me working 8:30am-11pm weekdays and like, 9:30am to same on weekends, but with a lil break in the middle of the day on weekends so I don’t immediately blip out of existence. As it is with Autostraddle, so it is at home — if it’s one thing we’re in need of, it’s not skill, it’s hours in the day!

Here are some before and after pics of a particularly tricky plaster repair we refer to as: “Those corners weren’t there before.”

Before / In-Progress:

That wood lath’s 100+ years old and had soot coming out of it! Neat!

Franken-corner

After:

I would like you to know that Mya the dog has actually claimed this nook as her own and used her butt to push all the furniture against the walls, so it no longer looks this tidy.

And Now… Holes in My Haunted House, Ranked by Lesbianism

9. The Holes of Dirk

Ahem. See those several lines of holes? The ones that look like fucking constellations? Those were done by a man who seemed to believe in some kind of drill-to-find-stud method. These are everywhere. The man never marked a spot with a pencil and drilled just one hole for a one-hole project in his life. The worst. How do I know his name is Dirk? He wrote it on the wall behind some wood panelling in Sharpie. That took multiple coats of primer before it stopped showing through. These holes are the mark of someone who was not careful, who did not even attempt good craftsmanship, who was not thinking of our collective queer future — literally the least lesbian energy I have seen in just about anything.

8. Demure Stairway Hole

This hole is dainty, but not in a high femme way. No, this hole is giving me straight woman energy.

7. Sapphic (?) Wall Hole

When you look at her from across the room, she winks! Should I read more into it?

6.  Plumbing Access Hole Revealing Hidden Cast Iron Tub

Sarah noted that this hole had lesbian energy because of the film, Bound, which is in fact a trans classic. This is an accurate assessment!

5. [Formerly] Doorbell Chime Hole

Oh my, those wires! Some serious mxtress energy coming from this hole.

4. The Time I Was In a Hole That Led to a Whole Extra Two Feet of Ceiling Height

Gay.

3. Railing Holes

These holes are just waiting here for a railing. I will not say more.

2. This Hole Repaired by an Actual Lesbian

Sadie replaced some lath that had disintegrated. So handy! This is some peak lesbian hole business, truly.

1. This Hole That Led to the Discovery of a Hidden Staircase

Besides the fact that this hole is clearly very daddy, this hole also has secrets to reveal. And listen, secrets — secrets in attics, secrets in staircases, century-old secrets — this is the stuff of lesbian culture.

Before climbing up into this hole, Sadie and I had wondered where the attic access was. We had never been able to find it! When we got our heads and shoulders up into this hole, we could see that across the attic, in just the space it should be, the joists were cut away, indicating the presence of a staircase, the entrance to which is sealed behind plaster in my closet.

This is funny because when I was tearing wood panelling out of this closet, I could smell a scent I know you’d recognize. The best way I can describe it is ancient grandma attic. Do you know what I’m talking about? I expected to find an access to said attic when I removed the wood panelling, but there was only plaster. I ran my hands over it and checked the corners and could not find the way through. It was so weird! Well, this hole has told us that for some reason, back when plaster was still in use (a quick Google search tells me drywall became popular in the 1940’s), they sealed this attic off completely. We have yet to cut a new access hole and to ascend the staircase, but if you want you can follow me on Insta and I will very likely post it when we do.

Also, I was right! The access to the attic should be in that closet.

There you have it. This is the top lesbian hole in our house. And Sadie and I can do nothing about ANY of these until Autostraddle reaches the conclusion of our fundraiser.

So, I implore you to please spread the word far, spread that word wide, because where else on this internet will you find lists of anything ranked by lesbianism. We love you, and we want you to know that even $1 helps. And if you can’t support, that is okay. Autostraddle is majority free-to-read because we don’t think you should have to have money to read us. We want to be here for everyone who needs this queer space, and your gift helps pay that forward. Thank you for anything you can do.

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How To Do Fall in Florida (Or Any Other Seasonless, Hot Place)

It’s my second “autumn” in South Florida, and I finally understand that if I want to experience the season I am simply going to have to make it myself. My girlfriend warned me when I moved to be with her in this wild place that’s part of her heart. She said I’d miss seasons. It’s not that seasons don’t exist at all here. They’re just… subtle. (With the obvious exception of hurricane season versus not-hurricane season.) I’m used to big, obvious, in-your-face seasonal shifts: the turning and falling of leaves, descending temperatures, a full swapping out of an entire wardrobe in anticipation of sweater weather.

There are those few breezy days here when it feels like a whisper of a cold front. It’s not the same cool-crisping of the air that happens this time of year in New York, the place I’ve lived where fall was easily my favorite season, or Virginia, where I grew up jumping into leaf piles. But it’s something. And to be honest, I’m adapting quickly. I’ve lived through two polar vortexes in the Midwest, but now I need a cardigan if it dips below sixty-five.

No longer can I be a mere witness of seasonal change. I must make the seasonal change. Here are my tips for bringing fall to your home if you too live in a place where “sweater weather” actually just refers to needing to bring a light jacket to over-air-conditioned restaurants year-round. Or, I suppose, you could still use some of these tips even if you have Autumn Privilege and just want to maximize the season.

Get More Decorative Gourds Than You Think You Could Possibly Ever Need

Never before has the famed McSweeney’s mantra, “it’s decorative gourd season, motherfuckers,” felt more urgent and earnest. It is true that tiny pumpkins and assorted gourds add a certain autumnal panache to any space.

If you think you don’t have the space, think again! There are endless lonely slabs of tabletops, nightstands, kitchen counters, bathroom sinks, bookshelves, etc. on which to perch seasonal decor. Have a fruit bowl or basket? Throw some gourds in there. They’re cheap, and you can pick specific colors to match your space. Target, Michaels, and Jo-Ann sell them by the bagful. In addition to the classic shellacked variety, you can also get knit/ fabric/ felt gourds/pumpkins or ceramic ones if you’re feeling fancy.

this right here is “florida fall” in a nutshell tbh

Get a Cinnamon Broom

I had simply never heard of a cinnamon broom until the past year, but you can get them at Publix, Trader Joe’s (where they’re fancifully called cinnamon whisks), other grocery stores, and Michaels (tbh almost everything you need for fall decor can probably be found at Michaels). Made from pine straws dipped in cinnamon oil, they will make your home straight up smell like a craft store.

They also lend an undeniable 17th century New England gothic look to any space, so if Fear Street:1666 was your thing, get on the cinnamon broom train. I sent my sister a photo of mine, and she replied “that’s weird,” so it’s a conversation piece for sure! And as an accidental bonus, because of my broom’s close proximity to the hooks where I hang masks, my facemasks all smell vaguely of cinnamon now, and I’m into it.

sarah fier vibes

You Only Need One Pumpkin Food/Drink Thing, and It’s Just Plain Ol’ Pumpkin Spice

Okay, if you want more pumpkin things, you do you. I’m not a hater by any means! I have an auntie who buys all the pumpkin stuff at Trader Joe’s every year and tries them, and I love that for her. In fact, I think a TJ’s pumpkin product tasting party would actually be pretty fun. But if you’re overwhelmed by the sheer amount of pumpkin-flavored treats that exist in the world (or are a bit of a pumpkin grinch even though you secretly do like how it tastes — no judgement!) then I say keep it simple and just have a jar of pumpkin spice on hand. You can make it yourself or just get it in the spice aisle of your grocery store. A little sprinkle in some coffee/espresso with milk and boom you have a tasty and considerably cheaper take on a PSL.

It’s also good in cocktails! Here’s a drink I just whipped up the other day after some experimenting:

2 oz spice rum
1 oz vodka
0.5 oz half & half or Irish cream
splash of maple syrup (or more if you like it sweeter)

Add all ingredients to a shaker with ice, shake very hard, and strain into a martini glass. Then just top off with a sprinkle of the pumpkin spice! Drinkable dessert!

On the subject of beverages, apple cider tastes just as good iced as it does hot! I’m going to make “Florida Fall Popsicles” next week that will essentially just be frozen apple cider. I definitely used to partake in the fall apple picking tradition up north, and I miss it!

I’m going to a “pumpkin patch” and “hayride” down here soon, which should be an interesting experience since pumpkins unequivocally do not grow in Florida and it’ll be far too hot for flannel, but I’m embracing the make-believe of it all! And if anyone knows where I can get an apple cider donut in South Florida, pls help. I might have to resort to making my own, which is after all the theme of this entire post.

Make Stews, Curries, Big Warming Bowls of Noodles and Broth, Whatever Your Heart Desires!

Just because it’s not actually cold outside does not mean you cannot make cold weather food. My favorite fall meals are: Japanese curry, chili (especially if you can get your hands on something gamey like venison from a butcher), potato leek soup, garlic soup, fennel dip, broccoli and cheese casserole, sweet and savory galettes, etc. Also, I have made the executive decision that she-crab soup is a fall soup, because sherry has autumnal vibes. And on a similar note, October 1 is the official start of stone crab claw season in Florida, so stone crabs are also barometers of fall.

Turns Out You Can Still Wear Sweaters (Indoors)

As mentioned before, places are air conditioned to the extreme here, and even though that is environmentally alarming, it’s often also something you don’t have a lot of control over here. In every apartment I lived in back in Brooklyn, the heat situation was always like… well it comes on when it wants to. That’s kind of like air conditioning in some places here. No matter what I put the thermostat on, our place is perpetually COLD. So yeah, fuck it, the second September hits I’m wearing wool socks (and/or seasonally thematic socks), cable knit sweaters, and turtlenecks… around the house. Def can’t wear any of this outside.

I did end up giving away the vast majority of my winter wardrobe before moving here, but I’m a turtleneck bitch for life and have to have at least a few cozy pieces on hand!

LET ME TELL YOU HOW TO DO BATH & BODY WORKS THREE-WICK CANDLES THE RIGHT WAY

In honor of three-wick candles everywhere, this is a three-pronged tip:

1. Do not pay full price for Those Candles!

It is truly hard to beat the complex seasonal smells of the coveted three-wicks sold by B&BW, but $25.50 is a hefty price to pay for one (1) candle, and the thing about using scented candles to set the scene for autumn is that you should not feel like you can only light up for special occasions. You want to have scented candles you can burn every damn day. And listen, I know we all have chaotic email inboxes and promotional emails can be overwhelming, but I’m telling you right here, right now: You gotta sign up for the Bath & Body Works emails. They have their annual Candle Day in Decemberish when the three-wicks are indeed at their lowest prices ($9.95 in the past) but EVERYONE is trying to score candles on Candle Day, which usually means site crashes, certain scents selling out, and nightmare shipping schedules. If you sign up for the emails, you will be notified of the smaller scale, random, often one- or two-day-long sales they run on three-wicks, which are sometimes discounted to $11.95, $12.95, $14.95, or are “buy two get one free” which comes out to $17 according to the math I just did so is still on the higher end but look I’m just saying there are ways to pay less than full price year-round — don’t pay full price!!!!!

2. Supplement with cheaper candles

You can stretch out your supply of three-wick wonders by adding some cheaper candles to your arsenal. In my opinion, three-wicks are ideal for when you want layers of scents (think: pumpkin spice donut, which is gonna have pumpkin, vanilla, brown sugar vibes all together at once like a bouquet of smells). But cheaper candles are honestly the way to go if you want a more straightforward scent. Cinnamon, balsam, or apple are good options. I promise this post is not sponsored by Michaels Craft Store, but pls consider the Michaels 16.4 oz jar candles, which are $5.99 but often on sale for $3.33 this time of year. I just got this Autumn Walk one, and I can hear the leaves crunching under my boots when I smell it! Target has good jar candles as well.

3. Two words: crackling wick

Some candles are not merely providers of scents and light. Some candles are a full sensory experience. In lieu of an actual fireplace, a crackling wick candle will provide a cozy fall soundscape. There are a bunch of options on Etsy! Crackling/wood wick candles can also be a fun fall option for folks who might be scent-sensitive, because you can get them unscented. Unscented fall-color tealights or tapers, unscented pumpkin-shaped candles, or flameless pumpkin/ orange tealights are also options!

every morning, I wake up and scan my email inbox for “bath & body works”

I’m Sorry2Say: Digital Fireplaces Are Magic

No, a digital simulacrum cannot replace a real, natural experience and tbh I think I maybe laughed at my girlfriend for owning a fireplace DVD, but who’s laughing now! Me, I am, only instead of laughing out of mockery, I am laughing with joy! I love a fake ass fireplace crackling on my television. I know Netflix, Youtube, and other streaming services have fireplace options, but I’m really partial to the DVD/ have convinced myself it somehow makes it more quaint. This is the exact one my girlfriend owns if you’re interested.

Get a New Swimsuit and Call It Your “Fall Swimsuit”

Ah, yes, my most absurd fall tip.

I’m sure cold weather folks think I should not complain about not getting a real fall when I live in a place where I can be outside every day and also go to the beach in December, January, February, etc. And in a way, you’re correct! I fucking love that all months are beach/pool months for me now. I never need to go on a “beach vacation” again because… I’m literally looking at a beach/ocean/palm trees as I write this (sorry!). My past self, who worked-from-home in the bathroom of her Chicago place because it was the warmest part of the house, is shaking (literally, because she’s still cold despite practically making out with the radiator). All summer, I’ve been wearing a very cute hot pink bikini top, but I recently replaced it with a more muted mint green bikini top because, you know, fall vibes! Does “fall swimsuit” make any actual sense as a concept? Not really, but I’m going with it!

Change Out Your Everyday Things/ Choose an Autumnal Color Scheme

The appeal of fall for me really is the idea of change. Shifting. Colors, smells, the air, the light, all of it swirling into something different and soft after the bright heat of summer. Why not bring a little of that home?

It’s possible to add little pops of fall color and imagery without turning your place into a full-on seasonal section of Target. Try autumnal dish towels or bathroom hand towels (I have that exact one). We put a fall wreath on our door, so it’s the first thing I see when I come home. You don’t even have to get explicitly fall-patterned stuff. It can just be a color scheme. If you have a kitchen/dining table, you can get dark orange or brick red placemats for it or warm-colored taper candles. If your couch has throw pillows or blankets on it, consider switching them out seasonally. Like look at this cute ass blanket?! The colors of the leaves won’t really change here, but I can change the colors of other things.

:’)

It means having to find extra storage space, of course. But I’m drawn to the ritual of taking certain things out for certain times of year and then putting them away again. I remember switching out my “summer quilt” for my winter one back in Michigan and the easy comfort of that transition. I remember the box labeled THERMAL that lived under my bed. I remember the thrill of those biannual brief periods in New York (in fall and spring) when the leather jacket comes out to play before being neatly tucked away again. The taking out and stowing away of fall blankets and towels and whatever else will inevitably become another way I mark time.

Homes have seasons, too. And right now, mine feels like Florida fall.

Notes for a Queer Homemaker: Polishing Silver and Panoptical Perches

Hello and happy new year (if you’re Jewish)! If you aren’t Jewish, just think of it as the “back to school” new year. That works too. This year is a shmita year! A year of release. And this year, we’re releasing things that have held us back, things like heteronormative ideas about homemaking and domesticity. And what do we get instead? Peace in our homes, a feeling of calm and comfort that comes when you sit on the couch knowing the sink is clean. We get to feel like we are responsible for making our homes places of refuge for ourselves and our communities.

I think caring deeply about domestic life is a queer endeavor. Domesticity is world-making! It is the act of deciding what and how you want your home, as its own world, to feel and creating rituals, moments, pauses, spaces where you tend to that world you’re trying to create. I do not think domesticity is working a full-time job and scrubbing your hands raw, washing the dishes, or polishing silver (although polishing silver is really fun and we should talk about it). I don’t think domesticity is archaic or tied to gender.

We all have a role in creating the world we want to live in, and I am a proponent of practice. What better way to use our homes than as a lab where we practice creating the spaces that make us feel our best? And yes, some of our role in this work is cleaning something gross, or learning how to keep things tidy, but don’t think of this as work meant to keep you busy or keep you relegated to the private sphere. Learning how to keep your space clean and tidy is an important skill, and one that I believe we can each do. I want to offer you domestic skills in a way that makes you feel empowered to complete them, not guilty for ignoring them.

So where do we start? With a little introduction to how you might want to approach your domestic life and a bonus on housemate etiquette.

There’s a deeply dangerous criminological theory called the broken windows theory which suggests that policing smaller crimes prevents larger ones from being committed and creates an atmosphere of order. Now I’m not one to suggest that you police yourself or your housemates. Please, do not; that is not good housemate etiquette. But I am suggesting, just a bit, that you have a panoptical view about any spaces in your home you feel responsible to clean. Take a step back and look at your home as if you’re directly above it, able to see it all; begin to think about what spaces might need your attention.

What areas tend to get the dirtiest the quickest? For me, those are the couch/coffee table area where I work, the kitchen which I use constantly, and the corners of my rooms. Identifying what areas initiate mess and unease in your home will help you know where to look to begin a cleaning project.

How do those areas get dirty? Are they dirty, messy, or just untidy? The couch/coffee table gets messy; a few cups are often left over, papers that could be in the trash get left about. The kitchen gets dirty; water splashes on the floor, the stove gets used, dishes have to be washed, trash gets full, etc. etc. etc. The corners of my room are just untidy. I use these spots to put things down instead of putting them away. I find differentiating between dirty (a space that needs to be cleaned or sanitized), messy (untidy spaces with a few things that belong in the trash/laundry/sink (think, your desk after a four-cup day of coffee)), and untidy (a space with things outside of their rightful places) helpful. Not every space is dirty. Maybe you just need to take your shirts off of the shirt chair and put them in drawers. Maybe you just need to close your drawers!

Next, think about when you can pay attention to these spots? I like to clean up the couch area at the start of the day, the kitchen at the very end of the day, and pick up my room around lunch, or right when I get home if I’m working from the office. Build tidying up around the day you already have. I clean up the living room in the morning because I probably left a bunch of stuff there the night before that I now need for work, and now, I have a clean room for the start of the day! If you putz around every morning for an hour before getting ready for your day maybe that becomes your tidying time. Maybe you only bring three things to their right spaces, but you start to build the habit.

Touching on housemate etiquette: the best way to ensure there aren’t passive aggressive arguments about cleanliness is to do your part to keep the home clean. Really do your part. If you see something disrupting the energy of a space you are cooperatively making a home in, fix it. Sure, it would’ve taken your housemate 30 seconds to wash their cup, but it’ll take you 30 seconds to wash it when you wash your cup! And now there are more clean cups for everyone to use and a cleaner kitchen! Look at the world you are building!

I love the domestic arts in all their forms. I care deeply about how to fold hospital corners and which spoons to use when setting the table for a semi-formal dinner party. But you do not have to care about these things in order to have a more domestic life. You’ve got to just pay attention. What nags you about your living situation and what can you do to make it better? Usually the answer has nothing to do with spending money or getting something new, it’s just about directing energy toward your space in an intentional way. And who knows, one day you too might have a google drive folder dedicated to cleaning schedules! Even if you never do, think of the new world you’ll begin to create within the walls of your home.

Next month, we’ll talk about cleaning supplies. What do you already have, what do you need, what can you make, how to keep your pets safe. What other queer domestic goodness do you wanna know about?

Notes for a Queer Homemaker is a new column that will publish on the fourth Friday of every month!