We’ll be running full-size (15×15) puzzles on the last Saturday of each month!
I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
That’s the Al Gore rhythm for you.
That’s her back story.
She tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
Then it becomes a soap opera.
A labracadabrador.
GRAAAAAAAINS
Welcome to the 97th edition of Into the AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for AF+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.
Every other AF+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s (January’s) theme is (F)ix My Life. February’s theme is breakups. Are you having difficulty financially untangling yourself, are you uncertain of what you did wrong, are you having an identity crisis because of your breakup, is your ex talking about you behind your back? Let’s talk! Get those questions in by Monday, February 5!
Then there are general Into the AF+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which I’ve also embedded here:
Are you an AF+ or AF Media member, a new member, or otherwise not a legacy A+ member and therefore can’t use the box? Submit advice questions via this form!
So, now, let’s dig in!!
I’m nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. Even though I cut my hair short, often wear men’s clothes, and bind when I can, I still get gendered as a woman 100% of the time. I recently redownloaded some dating some dating apps, and even though I’m SUPER clear in my profile that I am nonbinary, I still occasionally get hit with feminine gendered compliments about my appearance like “beautiful,” “cute,” “adorable,” etc. that make me feel really dysphoric. How can I politely thank people for the compliments while asking them not to use this language about me? It’s so hard to read a stranger’s tone via text and I don’t want to come off like an asshole!
Stef: Oh man, I completely understand your feelings. Those particular compliments don’t make me dysphoric but I do still get hit with a lot of feminine compliments, particularly in regards to the sport I practice. Here’s what I generally do when that happens. First, I thank the person for thinking that way about me and/or seeing me that way. I tell them it also means a lot that they’re willing to express that (because even if their language is limited, they’re still trying to be kind). And then, I tell them, “Just so you know for the future, I’d really prefer it if you talked about those particular qualities in this way…” and I explain what makes me feel the most comfortable. I’ve done this with people I’m close to and with people I barely know, and I’ve never experienced a bad reaction.
Hi Straddlers, I’d like your advice on how to respond to something that happens to me fairly often. I will meet someone in my neighborhood, or at work, who I have no interest in romantically. They’re an acquaintance I see regularly. Like a clerk at the corner bodega, or someone who goes to the dog park at the same time as me. We strike up a conversation one day and have our usual snippet of light friendly chat whenever we see each other. One day, they’ll pull away from me. Suddenly, the conversation ends quickly, sometimes by making a point of talking to or about a man. And from that point forward, it’s like they’re just being polite with me. It reads to me like homophobia. Like maybe they felt a feeling they were not prepared for. I swear I was not flirting. Just being friendly while looking queer.
Does this happen to others? What should I do? Can I say something like “I wasn’t flirting with you?” It hurts to lose people, even in this small way.
I’m also wondering if I am giving off flirtatious vibes when I’m not feeling that? I feel like I am being misread somehow, and wonder if there’s something about me that contributes? How do I figure that out?
Kayla: I think it’s hard to know exactly what’s going on here without more details and context, but I do think it could be as simple (but unfortunate) as homophobia. I’ve definitely noticed acquaintances change how they interact with me once they learn I’m queer. It is true also that sometimes friendliness gets misconstrued as flirting, but that’s not your fault! Queer people are also sometimes sexualized just for like…being friendly lol, so it does kind of circle back to being homophobia. I don’t think there’s really a way to figure out why someone has pulled away without asking, but that’s tricky since these aren’t really consistent/deep relationships but rather just acquaintance-level. But I think the only way to know for sure is to ask.
How do you maintain a hobby that makes you go to a second location? I’m struggling with allotmenting because it feels walking there/back takes up so much time that it just becomes A Roadblock in my mind.
Stef: This is a great question, and it’s something I really struggle with as a person who has a full time job that also keeps me away from home most of the day. Honestly, I’ve made the journey TO the thing work for me. I don’t live in a walkable place (South Florida, for the record), so I have to commute everywhere and, because of population change and just development here in the last few years, it takes 20-30+ minutes for me to get anywhere most hours of the day. For me, working in stuff that I want to do during that time has been really helpful in getting me motivated to get to the place. So, I generally listen to the podcasts I like or listen to an album I’ve been meaning to check out. Sometimes, I do whatever phone conversations I need to have with family or friends during that time, or I call and make my doctor’s appointments or whatever else I need to do. I hate commuting because it feels like such a loss of time but I’ve found that if I can do SOMETHING in that time, I feel a lot better.
Kayla: Totally agree with Stef that there are ways to make commutes feel more dynamic and interesting, like listening to podcasts, doing phone calls, etc. I really recommend the phone conversation thing! I have friends who will randomly call me when they’re walking or driving somewhere, and it’s kind of nice to receive an unexpected phone call from a friend just to chat.
Hello, I have an advice question about moving choices. TLDR Do I move to a bigger city or stay in my comfort zone?
Im bi and nonbinary and in my mid 20s. Me and my partner met in college and have stayed in our college town for 3 years after graduation. It’s a quiet but safe and queer friendly place with lots to do at weekends. However, there are almost no job opportunities in our industries and we’re struggling. My queer identities are important to me, and during my university years I built a small but strong group of LGBT+ friends, including some who are truly chosen family. My friendship group nearly all still live in our college town too, and most plan to settle down in this area. I recently visited a big city, 2 hours away, with my partner and we were surprised to find it had a lot of elements we like about where we currently live. It is a walkable city, has parks, cafes and free places to go like museums and a huge library. Most importantly for us, we realised that the city specialises in both me and my partners’ industries and so there are many more jobs, also at higher wages, to apply for. The city is also known for having an established queer community, being left wing and being eco friendly. Therefore we are considering applying for jobs there, as well as in our current town. However, I am worried about being away from my friends, maintaining these connections, and potentially finding my bearings in a new place. The city also has also got some serious gentrification problems, so cost of living is higher and our rent would be twice as high as currently! Please do you have any advice on how to choose between places to live?
Kayla: In these situations, I’m almost always going to say you should move. Because honestly, it sounds like you want to move! It sounds like moving could be really great for you and your partner. You will maintain your friendships if you make the effort to do so. Yes, those relationships will change, and that might be scary, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You will have new relationships with old friends and also forge new relationships with new friends. Moving almost always means giving SOMETHING up, and there’s risk and heartbreak in that, but it also just means starting a new chapter of life. The higher rent thing is definitely a deterrent, but it would be slightly mitigated by better job opportunities for you and your partner. Are there ways to bring down costs? Could you live with a roommate for at least a bit? Also, if you are applying to jobs in the city, you should DEFINITELY ask for them to cover part or all of the costs of relocation. I’m not sure what industry you’re in, but it doesn’t hurt to ask for those things. I’ve moved cities MANY times in the past decade of my life, and I never regret it. Not only will you be able to visit your friends if you want (two hours isn’t too bad), people are much more accustomed to maintaining social connections virtually these days due to the way COVID restructured our approaches to socializing and friendship.
Riese: Yeah give it a shot! If you don’t like it you can always come back to the town where your friends are living. Two hours isn’t a huge distance either, and I think your friends will love to come visit and hang out in your new queer city. I think when you’re young it’s also tricky to wed where you live to who else lives there because your friends could also choose to move at some point.
Em: As someone who has moved around A LOT, I’m a big advocate for moving at least once in your 20s if you’re able. It’s definitely scary and transition can be tricky, but it ultimately gives you a new perspective and new opportunities. Two hours is actually quite close (for the gays that’s not even a long distance relationship) so if you got really homesick or needed a dose of your friend group, you could always go back on the occasional weekend. It sounds like this location offers the perfect balance between taking the next step and operating from your comfort zone.
Hello lovely AS team!
This is for the life advice box. The TLDR is I’m looking for advice on how to speak more and feel more comfortable taking up space.
A few months ago I started a new job. I absolutely love the work I’m getting to do, feel incredibly fulfilled, have very kind colleagues and the most incredible manager who would pretty much do anything to make sure I feel supported and can thrive. On paper it’s the dream. However, I’m finding it really hard to connect with my team. I’m Autistic so social stuff is always a bit of a struggle – I understand socialising and communicating intellectually but reading social situations, taking the floor, knowing the amount of space to take up has my brain in consistent overdrive. I’d describe myself as introverted but do really value genuine connections and opportunities to build strong, meaningful relationships. So, I want to make this work. Currently I barely speak in the office unless people speak to me directly (and I worry people are getting frustrated), I feel really overwhelmed in our team catchups and I clam up or will only share my ideas or stories really briefly because I feel like I’m killing the vibe. I don’t want to be like this! I want my team to know that I’m knowledgeable, that I care about them and I want to have good relationships and rapport with people. It just feels really really hard. Currently my manager knows I’m Autistic but not others. I’d be keen for any advice on how to navigate this and any strategies to crack into the team more and be more vocal and actively participating.
Carmen: First of all, I am so excited for your new job and that you are so happy there!! That is no small thing, isn’t there a statistic somewhere that our jobs are where we spend the majority of our waking hours (yay capitalism!), so having a job that is making you feel fulfilled and supported is huge.
Ok, so with that out of the way! I think a really great way to build relationships and rapport with people when social cues are difficult and/or you feel overwhelmed, is to try and find a common interest. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; literally it could be as small as you and another person in the office both like cookies as an afternoon snack (I completely made that up!). The goal is to find one thing that you can talk to that one person about. Obviously autism exists on a spectrum and your needs might be different than I’m suggesting here, but I know that for some people it helps to talk deep on one specific topic than to make small talk around a variety of topics that feel unnatural to you.
Second, I want to assure you that you are not killing the vibe when you join a conversation!! Our brain chemistry can sometimes misfire, and even though they are trying to protect us (ie/they don’t want you to be hurt), it can come out as untruths. The truth is that you are a new member on a team, which yes can be awkward, but your new coworkers are most likely excited for you to be there! And they are just waiting for the right opportunity to get to know you better, or for you to share your smarts with them. So please, please do so! Once you’ve made a few one-on-one connections, it might be easier for you to speak up in a group and share your ideas during team meetings. Which would be another win!
Again, best of luck to you and congrats on the new job!!
Hi team! So this is a tricky one and I can’t see a path forward, so appreciative of a vibe check and any advice people may have.
I work an office job in a pretty conservative sector, although my specific workplace isn’t bad with homophobia, and I (and several workmates) are out.
The company has a problem with sexual harassment. Every company party, I have friends tell me that they’ve been groped and pressured by male colleagues. In my level of the company hierarchy, there’s a very out cis gay man, and he’s been identified by two of my close work friends as a perpetrator of sexual harassment/violence against both men and women. One of my work friends (a gay man himself) had to help another workmate who was being sexually assaulted by this guy, and another female friend was groped by this guy at a work party until she had to threaten to hit him to get him to stop.
None of the people affected so far have been comfortable reporting the violence to HR, which is understandable given the company has a bad track record. So now we’re stuck in a weird awful situation where I know this guy is a predator but have to keep acting normal around him at work, and I guess I just have to keep an eye on everyone I can in social environments to try to minimise violence??
Like I said, no easy solutions here but welcome any advice – is there anything I can do to build solidarity/support amongst my cohort as a kind of postvention/prevention against the likelihood of future issues, or talk to the queer men being targeted by this guy about their safety? We’re not unionised unfortunately and it’s hard to know where support would even come from.
Nico: This is tough for all the reasons outlined. As advice to start, I think that just a light touch of formalising behind-the-scenes actions can help a lot in contexts like this. Can you get everyone affected by the predator (who is not the predator) together in a neutral place to discuss what’s happened and, at the very minimum, get everyone on the same page? This might also mean “as many people as possible” and not everyone. I think, in this context, it’s super important to let anything that’s done be survivor-led, but also, to provide insfrastructural support where possible. Wishing you tons of luck, and I know this isn’t a lot of advice, but it’s where I would start.
I live and work in a rural place with frequent turnover due to the nature of the job. There’s a large, ever-changing group chat for fun/social communication that includes staff, their partners, bosses, and some non-staff. 1 of our many admins remove people, or they remove themselves, when members move out of the area. When an ex and I broke up, I waited until they moved away to remove them to be fair to anyone still friends with them even though I was triggered seeing them in the chat. The ex’s friend (non-staff, call her B) is still in the chat. My anxious ass removed B when she hadn’t commented for 3 months even though B still lives in the area because I’d been uncomfy around her since before the breakup and didn’t want her negatively affecting my life with details gleaned from the chat. My only coworker who is actively rude to me and ~*Extremely Passive Aggressive*~ is an admin and added B back in the next day. My nervous system freaked out. After calming down some, I thought: I feel unsafe around these two. Others might not, and I am an adult, so rather than re-removing B and removing admin rights from the ~*EPA*~ coworker, which will start or continue drama, I can: (1) stay in the chat as a member/admin and only lurk like the ~*EPA*~ coworker (seriously, they never comment or react) and just message people directly if I want to join something, or (2) remove myself from the group, give a vague explanation if anyone asks why, and miss out on what few social opportunities exist (I’m not on social media).
Am I missing any options, and what do y’all recommend?
Riese: Firstly, I want to just congratulate you on taking the time to calm down after your nervous system reaction before choosing your next move — it can be so so so so hard to do that (it’s very hard for me!) — so, nice work.
I’m gonna be honest straight-off that I am sort of confused about the bounds of this group chat to begin with! It sounds like it involves a lot of tenuous social and professional connections and a lot of potential for awkward combinations of people, including people with romantic ties and including bosses and their employees — that’s a lot of different types of relationships in one chat, including presumably people with financial power over others in the chat, so it does feel destined for inevitable messiness and I’d be surprised if you’re the only one who’s ever been wronged by this chat!
I also want to be honest that the EPA person sucks!!!! They should’ve asked you about why they removed that person before re-adding them, and someone who never talks in the chat should not be adding and deleting people!. If EPA was not someone who’d consistently been rude to you I might be curious about, like, if maybe they did that because it was a breach of chat etiquette to remove B without giving them a heads-up first — but even in that case, I’d hope they’d reach out to you before re-adding.
Ultimately, I don’t want you to lose connections to the few social opportunities that exist, so I think you’ve got to stay in the chat. (i’m also not sure what the dynamics are with co-workers, if it would be weird for you professionally to leave.) So I think option #1 is the better option of the two you’ve described. Maybe at some point you’ll branch off into another divided sub-group for a specific event, and can keep that going, with a more tightly curated group of people that you want to actively spend time with. I think that would be ideal!
It sucks to feel like you have to censor yourself in the chat to avoid transmitting info to your ex, and I’m sorry that something that’s supposed to be a source of connection now feels so fraught. I hope that feeling gets better over time and also that B will eventually see themselves out.
Carmen: I agree with Riese that I don’t want you in a situation where you’re losing social connections! Also whoooowheeeee the dynamics of this group chat seem stressful as hell, my friend (no judgment there! I think we all have various versions of “stressful group chat politics” in our lives now that didn’t exist even five years ago). Reading through your message, I also wondered if it’s possible for you to spin off into a smaller chat? Are there friends in that group who you could give the real story to, and ask if they’d be willing to join a secondary chat with you? So that you’re able to keep the social camaraderie, but without all the attached stressful dynamics? That might be the “secret third option” that you’re looking for!
If that’s not possible, then yes I’d probably see how long I could stand staying in the chat casually as a “lurker” and if that became too much for mental health, I’d bounce. Ultimately, if it’s not making you feel good, then it’s not a loss for you no longer to be there. I hope you’re able to remember that!
A beloved cousin is having gender affirming surgery in the very near future. She lives across the country, so I can’t be supportive in a direct way. While she has a strong queer and trans community, and her sister will be there post-op (top surgery) to offer support, do you have suggestions for what I can do from afar that would be the most helpful and caring? (For the record, we come from a family of “please don’t put yourself out”-ers, so I’m not going to get direct asks from her). Food delivery? A care package (with…?) I welcome any recommendations from those who’ve been through this, or cared for loved ones who have! Thank you in advance!
Kayla: We recently published a guide to caring for loved ones who are transitioning, and while that’s less about tangible care/gifts that can be provided and more about emotional support, I think it’d be a great place to start. But as for tangible things you can provide, food delivery is ALWAYS helpful during surgery recovery processes. The best way to do it is to find out if your cousin has a preferred delivery app (UberEats, Door Dash, etc) and then get a gift card so she can pick whatever she wants.
Carmen: I wanted to +1 Kayla! I had a major surgery a little over a year ago, the kind of surgery where you need a lot of care and help for 2-3 weeks. Gift cards to delivery apps were a lifesaver!! If you can find out what’s their preferred app (because the popularity/availability of each specific app can vary depending on region), that would be even better. If you’re unable to find out from your cousin directly and/or want it to be a surprise, then the sister/your other cousin might also be able to help. I also had a friend take the approach of messaging me ahead of time and saying “I’m sending you food, I know you’d say ‘don’t put yourself out’ but this is non-negotiable. What would you like?” and I found the directness of her approach really sweet and amusing. Plus the pulled pork she mailed cross-country really did end up supporting my whole care team! Which meant I got food, and a really nice memory (she used Gold Derby, which sends restaurant food across the country, if you’re interested in that). The last thing I found helpful will depend on the person in question, but I had a group of friends send me a giftcard to Bookshop.org because I was on bedrest, and I absolutely loved it.
I know this is the kind of thing we all stress about, but honestly you can’t mess it up. The thing that matters most is that you want to show up and be there, even from far away — and that’s what your cousin will remember.
This is for January’s Fix My Life themed advice column.
I am beginning to actively job search in my chosen career field after 15 years out of it due to extreme mental health issues. I have had jobs in the interim but they weren’t in my profession. I still have a lot of fear of failing again at my chosen career. However, I now have a shiny new Master’s degree and I’m ready to start over.
In the past I found jobs in my field the old-fashioned way (in-person networking), and I’ll continue to try that, but I have the impression that now, people use LinkedIn and Indeed to network and find jobs. I’m trying to set these up and use them, but I’m finding them really confusing and overwhelming. Especially since on LinkedIn, I’m seeing my former undergraduate classmates succeeding in their high-level positions, and my graduate classmates already employed when it’s taken me half the year to even get started. It’s discouraging and embarrassing! I don’t like social media in general because of this comparison effect. How do I use these sites effectively and with confidence?
Em: As someone who has spent their entire adult life career hopping, I totally empathize with you. Unfortunately, I’ve found that to really know if you’re a good fit in a particular career, you just need to give it a try. Some random person in high school once said to me “think about what you daydream about/think about constantly and that should be your career.” That’s horrible advice from someone random, but I think about it a lot. I’m now becoming a therapist and I realized my whole life I have only ever thought about the details of other people’s lives.
As for the social media side, I struggle with this too because I often get jealous of peers (and people younger than me) who seem to have it all figured out. It feels unfair when you know you’ve put in years and years of work to still be jobless. My straightforward answer to your question really depends on what type of job you’re looking for. For example, anything in media or writing would definitely live in the Twitter world, whereas corporate networking is better suited for LinkedIn or going to Meetups. If you’re an entrepreneur, then TikTok might be the way to go. My best advice is to find people on social media who are doing what you want to do and use their content as a template. Additionally, set boundaries for yourself. Maybe this looks like only one hour of social media a day, or turning your phone off at a certain time each evening.
hey gays. do you have some ideas of fun gay shit that my friends and i can do when we have sleepovers? we’re in our early to late 20s, we’re all gay, everyone has hooked up with one other person in the group at some point so we’re not like shy in front of each other basically. so far we’ve played truth or dare (obviously), sang karaoke, made quizzes about ourselves and competed to see who knows each other best, made elaborate snacks, played instruments and sung together, watched dumb youtube videos and played video games. what other cute fun gay flirty things and games can we do?!
ashni: I LOVE this question! If one (or more!) of y’all have tarot cards, highly recommend reading each other’s cards! Light some candles, dim the lights, get a little cozy and intimate. I see that you’ve made quizzes about yourselves. If you’re Jeopardy! people, you could each submit a few questions/answers and play Jeopardy as two teams! You could also have a Powerpoint party – everyone gets a few slides (or a few minutes, you get to decide!) to talk about whatever they want: a definitive ranking of the best snack foods, places you’d take Reneé Rapp on a date… literally anything!!
A classic sleepover game is Never Have I Ever, though I suspect that if you have played Truth or Dare, you have already played Never Have I Ever as well. As a group, you could do the 36 Questions to Fall In Love, or you could play We’re Not Really Strangers (or a similar, intimacy-building game). Okay and then – if Spin the Bottle is too much, feel free to disregard, but it is DEFINITELY a flirty game!
Kayla: My favorite party games at the moment are Just One and Hues and Cues!
Riese: Yeah Spin the Bottle and Three Minutes in the Closet are reliable classics! Let’s Get Deep and games like it are fun too, where you’re asking invasive personal questions.
Hi! So I’m mid 30s and came out when I was 29. All my dating & some of my friendship life I have been told by people that they can’t read me. Like I dated someone for 6 weeks once and asked them to be more serious and they said they were in but didn’t realize I was that into them. I feel bad about it. Intimacy with people isn’t always easy for me until I get to know someone. What subtle things I can do to show current people I am totally into them!?
Kayla: Have you tried writing letters? You don’t have to be a great writer to write a really lovely letter to someone to let them know you care about them. Even just the simple fact of receiving a letter from someone feels thoughtful. And sometimes, for folks who struggle to outwardly express intimacy, it’s easier to do so in written form.
Carmen: Similar to writing letters, I wanted to suggest letters’ 21st century cousins, text messages. If you’re realizing that people have a hard time “reading” you, I vote for telling them exactly what you’d like them to know. A text message can be a very casual way to say “hey! I thought of you today!” which always puts a smile on someone’s face (literally even if you just say those exact words!). It also gives you a chance to start a conversation based on someone’s interest. Have you ever seen that scene from Abbott Elementary where Gregory tells Jeanine, I wanna know what you like about stuff? For my money it’s one of the sexist approaches to saying “I like you” on television, and perfectly aligned for a text message conversation approach.
That said! The danger here is that you might fall too far on the “I want to know you as friends” spectrum — and this my friend is when some light sexting will come in handy. For the balance.
(For the Fix my Life advice box)
Fix my shower! No matter what I do, the grout between the tiles and around the tub gets moldy and dark. Scrubbing with a cloth tires me out because of the awkward angle & I can’t seem to get the right amount of power to actually clean it away. I’m self-conscious when people stay over and use my shower. What is the right product to use that will ACTUALLY get rid of this stuff? How often/how should I be cleaning my shower so this stuff doesn’t keep appearing??
Kayla: Do you use a daily shower spray? Using a daily shower spray after every shower is preventative against build up so that things are hopefully not accumulating between more intense shower cleaning sessions. You just spray it right after you shower and leave, no scrubbing required. Occasional deeper cleans will still be required but hopefully less frequently and less rigorously if you’re using a daily spray.
Em: I wanted to chime in here because I quite literally just discovered the daily shower spray Kayla mentioned. I discovered this electric bathroom scrubber via TikTok and, if anything, it’s a lot better than getting on your hands and knees and scrubbing tile with a cloth. If you’d like to clean your shower head, you can put some distilled vinegarx in a bag , seal it over your shower head with rubber hands, and let it sit overnight.
The following contains mentions of group sex, shibari, bondage, penetrative vaginal sex, and oral sex.
Welcome back to our Anonymous Sex Diaries series where queer and trans people from around the world let us into a seven day snippet of their sex, love and dating lives.
Coming to terms with my own queerness has possibly been the greatest and worst-timed journey of my life. Despite having spent my entire adult life living in one of the most LGBTQ+ friendly cities in the United States, and hyper-fixating on gender studies in my undergrad years, I somehow made it to my early 30’s before realizing that I’m not, in fact, the only straight person in many of my friend groups. When I came out to my husband, he was astonished that someone with my “frightening level of insight” could have missed what was apparently obvious to him. Our decision to open our decade-long relationship for the first time was fairly straightforward and, both together and separately, we spent several glorious weeks navigating the dating world. This gave me just enough time to establish some exciting-but-tenuous relationships before some major life events required my husband and I to move to my childhood home, and in with my parents. While we’re still within an hour’s drive of our previous city, I now find myself living in a conservative community where almost everyone believes me to be one half of a monogamous, heterosexual couple.
This morning I wake up with a slight headache. This has been my normal for the past few weeks, ever since taking up a holiday retail job where the air is chronically dry and water breaks are policed. On this particular morning, however, last night’s vodka sodas might be partially to blame. Fortunately, my husband saves me by bringing me coffee in bed. We talk about last night in hushed tones, given our bedroom’s paper-thin walls.
Yesterday we attended our first-ever shibari performance. The event’s location also gave us a perfect excuse to visit the other half of our quad. Rowan and Erica also had big plans that evening, so we had a no-sex pact to avoid derailing our evenings. Instead, they made us Pad Thai for dinner before we moved to the living room sofa in front of their fireplace. I cuddled on the couch under the blanket between Rowan and Erica as we chatted and dozed. Eventually, as if they planned it, Erica’s hand was up my shirt, while Rowan’s ended up down my underwear, circling but not quite touching my clit. As I squirmed, I reminded them both, as I often do in these situations, that they’re teases, but I had no interest in stopping. Opportunities for prolonged foreplay are rare in my current living situation, so I’m going to sit back and enjoy the ride when I can. Unfortunately for me, this ride ended almost as soon as it began, with Erica reminding us all that we were all almost late for our plans. Rowan was slightly less concerned with the time and pulled me in for a prolonged kiss before letting go. Fucking teases, indeed.
The line outside the performance venue was a far cry from Rowan and Erica’s cozy living room. It was one of the first truly cold days of the season and I wasn’t dressed for the weather, but thankfully my husband and I distracted ourselves with the people watching. We’re both fairly new to the kink scene and haven’t exactly experimented with how we present ourselves. We line up behind a couple wearing matching “Got Rope?” t-shirts and watch the attendees walk by. We see a tuxedo-clad dom with their sub wearing nothing but a rope harness under their long coat; a historically-accurate pirate; conservatively dressed couples who could just as easily have been attending a church function; lots of leather; and just about every variation of attire in between. I was wearing the same jeans and button-down flannel I had worn to work that day, and I made a mental note to find one or two more exciting outfits for future occasions.
Once inside the venue, my husband and I ordered vodka sodas and the bar and found seats on the floor near the stage, which just consisted of a 10-foot-ish high metal frame. Sometime after the scheduled performance start time, the performer and his assistants unceremoniously walked on stage and began tying red ropes to the frame. It took most of the audience a few minutes to realize that this was part of the performance. They climb up and down ladders and weave the ropes around each other for 10 minutes, then 20, then 30 as the shape of a spider’s web begins to form. After an hour, the performer climbs down this ladder for the final time, revealing his intricate rope sculpture that will undoubtedly support his model. He brought his model on stage, a shibari instructor who I have a parasocial crush on. The performer ties the model into an elaborate harness with at least 10 tie points. They perform a few suspensions, which I watched intently. As an amateur rope model, I rarely get to witness elaborate transitions from a third-person perspective. Their nonverbal communication was aspirational, and I wondered if I’ll ever get to a point where I’m both physically and emotionally capable of allowing someone to suspend me upside down by my ankles. After this, the model climbed a ladder into the web and, within a short period of time, she was tied into the center. The results were amazingly gorgeous. I found myself thinking that I should be more open about my interest in shibari, because I want to brag about this to all my friends.
As my husband and I lay in bed with our coffee the following morning, our conversation turns to our own experiences with shibari. Bondage has been part of our play for most of our relationship, but we’ve only started learning about shibari in recent years. I still don’t have much interest in being a rigger, but after a few workshops and watching yesterday’s performance, I’m developing a new appreciation for tying. Who knows, at this rate I might be a switch in another 10 years.
Today my husband and I have our weekly couple’s therapy appointment, and I mostly want to take this opportunity to sing my therapist’s praises. We began seeing this therapist a few years ago in order to more successfully navigate some personal and career changes. Unbeknownst to us at the time, this particular therapist specializes in people who practice polyamory. When we initially floated the idea of opening our relationship in a telehealth session, I had never seen him look so thrilled. Within seconds, he was excitedly pulling books off shelves and recommending his favorite dating apps. After my first dates with a woman and my subsequent identity crisis, he walked me through exercises on how to best process my feelings and articulate them to my husband.
Today’s session is fairly uneventful and is mostly concerned with stress surrounding the upcoming holidays, but towards the end of the session, our therapist congratulates us, saying that we’ve had one of easiest transitions from monogamy that he’s seen. Next time, I feel that I should remind him that we had a literal expert to help us for this entire journey.
Today is mostly spent navigating the corporate retail hellscape that is my current job. The last few holiday seasons have been particularly challenging for me, in no small part due to being surrounded by homophobic relatives while coming to terms with my own queerness. This year, these challenges are compounded by my current underemployment situation. In the past few weeks, my normally chill, albeit grossly underpaid, retail job has transformed into a nonstop gauntlet of angry customers and long hours. On days like this, it’s challenging enough to feel like a real person, let alone one who has the inclination to write in their daily sex diaries.
The bright spot in these long days is my new friendship with my coworker Sonia. She’s the first bi poly woman I’ve met outside of dating apps or through mutual friends. I’m not out to many people, but coming out to her felt so natural. Maybe this is because it’s easier for me to share with people who I haven’t known for a long time, or maybe it’s because she’s very open about her own dating and sex life. Either way, swapping stories about our dating lives has been cathartic for me. In our few minutes of covert stockroom gossip, she tells me about her ex who came out of the woodwork, wanting to get back together despite having an impending out-of-state move. There are very few openly queer women in our town, so I understand why she’s considering it.
Sonia asks me about my current relationships, although I tend not to share as much as she does. Recently Sonia has been telling me about how challenging it can be to date women in our town, so it doesn’t feel especially helpful to rhapsodize about all the wonderful sex I’ve been having with my beautiful and smart girlfriend. Maybe things will work out with her and her soon-to-be long distance ex, and I’ll feel more comfortable freely sharing these aspects of my life.
My current living situation affords me far less privacy than I’ve ever had in my adult life. There are few spaces in my childhood home where one can have a private conversation, and at least one well-intentioned but overly curious family member always seems to be around to ask who you’re talking to on the phone, or who you’re going out with. And I’m not in a place where coming out to my family is a reasonable option. Fortunately, I have a husband who is more than happy to cover me during my prolonged phone conversations with other partners.
Today, we are sitting in my childhood room while my husband plays music and occasionally provides his own commentary in order to obfuscate my actual conversation. Meanwhile, Erica and I are chatting on the phone. We haven’t had a prolonged conversation since the weekend, and she’s requesting a full rundown of our shibari performance. She had been telling me for weeks to wear something sexy to the show and wholeheartedly supports my decision to find something more suitable for the next one.
Today is a rare day off where my husband and I have a few hours to ourselves. We spend the whole morning lounging in bed, drinking coffee and sharing amusing TikToks-turned-Instagram reels like proper millennials. We don’t use these precious solo hours to have sex, but that’s not what I miss the most about living in our own space. What I do miss is these lazy mornings, unconcerned about filtering conversations or keeping up the appearance of being “productive.” I feel most myself with him.
That afternoon, we meet up with Erica for some supporting-small-business shopping. We stroll down a commercial strip near Erica’s neighborhood and I make some purchases for my upcoming fiber arts projects. I’m not much of a shopper, but it’s a beautiful day and we browse through a few quirky independent shops. Later, we meet Rowan at a nearby restaurant for takeout. The four of us bring the food back to Erica and Rowan’s place. We sit around their dining room table, gorging on shawarma, falafel, and lentil soup. None of us had explicitly voiced any intention of having a foursome tonight, but I’ve been getting my hopes up and now I’m wondering if we’re all going to go into a food coma instead.
Eventually, Rowan gets up to take a shower, and my husband moves to the living room to hyperfixate on one of his purchases from this afternoon. This leaves Erica and I in the dining room alone, her arms around my waist and her head resting against my shoulder. Suddenly, any thoughts of crashing are gone from my mind. She declares that I’m wearing too many clothes, grabs me by the hands, and leads me into her bedroom. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed while she stands between my legs, kissing her. Our shirts and bras are gone, and we laugh as we try to figure out, for at least the half-dozenth time, how to finish underdressing each other in a semi-sexy way; she’s in tights and I’m in skinny jeans. We fail, for at least the half-dozenth time, and once all of our clothes are off, we reconvene in bed to make out.
She spreads out on the bed and my face is between her legs. Even though this is far from our first time together, I still can’t believe how sexy she is. Honestly, I’m probably a bit overeager to impress her. I suck on her clit, the way I can’t quite master but know she likes. I hear footsteps coming towards the bedroom and my husband appears, fake-shocked, yelling “Are you two having SEX?” It never fails to make me laugh, but I soon return to going down on Erica, while he lays at her head, kissing her and running his fingers through her hair. Soon we’re joined by Rowan, who sits at Erica’s other side and whispers to her while grabbing her nipple. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but whatever it is makes her even wetter, as I slide a finger inside her. A vibrator materializes out of nowhere and someone hands it to me. I hold it to her clit for a few moments, but I sense that something I’m doing is not quite what she needs. I could ask, but Rowan looks eager to have a turn, and I’m equally eager to see what he does. Soon I’m the one at Erica’s head, as I watch her wrap her legs around Ronan’s head, with her hands shaking and grabbing mine as she comes. She opens her eyes, laughs, and asks, “What did I do to be the star of the show?”
I must have also done whatever she did to deserve it, because the next thing I know, the attention is on me. The next few minutes pass in a blur and all I could register is Rowan alternating between gently running his fingers through my hair and then suddenly slapping my nipples. I later learn that Erica’s mouth is on my clit while my husband fingers me, but all I feel in the present is absolute bliss. I come in a minute, which is probably a personal record.
The three of us take turns blowing my husband. Soon, my attention turns to Rowan and I lose track of what the other two are doing as he climbs on top of me. He has this quiet intensity to him, and it’s easy to shut everything else out while we’re having sex. He’s a true switch and today he seems to be leaning into a his dom streak, and he fucks me hard, just the way I like it. When he comes, he lies on top of me for a few minutes while I wrap my legs around him. By then, my husband and Erica have finished whatever it is they were up to and four of us lie in bed, chatting about bad movies and bizarre holiday traditions.
It’s late, and as much as I could lie there for hours, we all have early mornings tomorrow. We say our goodbyes, and my husband and I head back out into the December night.
I’m a bit uneasy today. Tomorrow my friends are hosting a holiday party, and they’re pulling out all the stops with signature cocktails, elaborate decorations, and with much anticipation, a Christmas cookie competition. With the hosts’ blessing, I invited Erica and Rowan several weeks ago, but now I’m wondering if I am asking too much of them. The hosts are two married longtime friends of mine. To my knowledge, they are very monogamous and very heterosexual and do not have any inkling that I’m neither of these things. I’ve been waffling on whether or not to come out to them for months and, while they’ve met Erica and Rowan, I’m starting to feel a little bit weird bringing them around without being straightforward about our relationship. To make matters more uncomfortable, the hosts are dealing with the aftermath of a Very Bad Life Event from earlier this week and are very much not their usual selves. I’m wondering if I’m asking too much of Erica and Rowan to come at all. They’re both out to almost all of their friends and I’ve met many of them already. I’m just not sure that I’m ready to do the same.
I even ask Erica if she still feels comfortable going given the circumstance. She answers that they have already baked cookies and absolutely do not need them in their house. Fair enough. I can practically see her sardonic smile as I read. She then says that after this party we can have a party of our own. Even better.
Even though Erica and I have been together for several months, I’m not very confident in my sex-with-women skills. This is partially because most of our sexual encounters have been in threesomes or foursomes where there are more hands to assist, and partially because Erica and I need very different, almost opposite sensations to get off. I need penetration with very little clit stimulation, while she needs an amount of force that would honestly be painful for me, so I often feel myself holding back.
Later that evening, I share this with my husband, and he is more than happy to use our brief period of solo time to give me yet another cunnilingus “tutorial.” I lay in bed as he goes down on me, interrupted by his own commentary, “Use suction like this, but like, 50% harder,” and “move your fingers inside her like this, but only when she’s getting close.” Predictably, this “tutorial” leads to more sex. We break out our WeVibe for some missionary sex, and we come almost-simultaneously. We’ve learned to be efficient in this current season of having limited alone time.
It turns out I was vastly overthinking this party, which won’t surprise anyone who knows me. Even so, the party itself was shockingly uneventful. The hosts were preoccupied with making sure everyone had a good time, and a lot of the attention was turned towards the unexpected arrival of a couple who were recently engaged and just moved back to town. I definitely didn’t mind this dearth of real or perceived scrutiny. After a socially acceptable amount of time, we make a discreet exit for our afterparty.
We’re back at Erica and Rowan’s place. Erica and I are alone on the living room’s pullout couch while Rowan and my husband are in the next room. They should be joining us at any moment and maybe we should wait for them, but she slides her hand up the back of my shirt and I instantly break out in goosebumps. Suddenly the shirt is gone and we’re both under the covers and Erica is going down on me. My husband and Rowan join us. Initially they settle in on either side of me to watch, and a few minutes later one of them squeezes my nipple, pulling hard and slightly twisting, just the way I like it. This sends me over the edge in seconds.
Eventually I find myself between Erica’s legs for the second time this week, and this time I’m determined to get out of my head. My mouth finds her clit and I spend several minutes building pressure with my tongue. I press much harder than I would have expected and she moans, grabbing my hair. For the first time, I feel like I understand how to use my tongue to find a slow, consistent and relaxed rhythm that she likes. Soon she tells me to slide my fingers inside. I do, terrified that my shifting will make me lose this rhythm, but it makes her cry out louder and she comes within minutes. I crawl on top, kissing her.
My husband and Rowan have been spectating up until this point and ready to join on the action. Riding the high of finally making Erica come (mostly) on my own, I find myself on top of Rowan, pinning his arms over his head. I’ve always considered myself to be a sub for as long as I’ve been familiar with the term, but sex with Roman makes me rethink this dynamic. He says something semi coherent about liking me in control, and in this moment I’m loving it. He finishes by grabbing my hips and pulling them close to him. Somehow I hadn’t noticed that my husband and Erica left the room to clean up and refill our water glasses. At this point, I realize that I’ve been awake for nearly 20 hours, and I’m grateful for our standing invitation to stay the night. Erica and my husband return, and the four of us squeeze onto the pullout couch together. Normally I’m the first to get claustrophobic and split off into a separate bedroom, but tonight I fall asleep instantly.
Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.
It’s impossible to put down.