Summer of 1990

After my junior year of college, I went to spend the summer with my mother at her home in Climax Springs, a tiny, rural town in southern Missouri that could never live up to its name. I arrived with my cut-off shorts, my rugby t-shirts, my guitar, a stack of stationary and my girlfriend’s address. It was 1990—before email, before the internet, before cell phones and texting. My girlfriend was at a summer program in Vermont and I couldn’t even call her until I’d received her first letter in which she gave me the phone number in her residence hall.

When I say the town was tiny, I mean the population was 91 and the only business within the town limits was a video rental store that also sold pizza. There weren’t many people my age, let alone any out queer folk. It was the land of God and guns and not a place known for open minds.

My mother and step-father were all that I had there and neither knew that I was a lesbian. I planned to keep it to myself until the end of the summer and then tell them right before I went back to school in case they didn’t take the news well. But I had only been there a week when my mother asked some probing questions about my life at college and my friends. “I hear you have lesbian friends,” she said casually as we folded laundry. My sister had visited me at school and met my friends; she must have mentioned them to my mother. I said that I did and tried desperately to steer the conversation to something safer like my mother’s ability to get her whites so white. But she kept at it and eventually asked me, “Are you gay?” and I took too long to answer which was an answer itself and not the one she wanted to hear.

She screamed at me. She threatened me. And eventually, she stopped speaking to me.

I spent my days in silence, writing letters to my girlfriend, playing the guitar, and working. I had a job as a “stock boy” at a grocery store in a nearby town but I didn’t fit in there either. Most of the employees had known each other their whole lives and didn’t know what to make of the quiet college girl who didn’t wear make-up and had a flat top. At night, after my mother went to bed, I would sit under the tool bench in my step-father’s workshop and call my girlfriend collect from the landline in the garage. But my mother caught me and told me I couldn’t call her anymore. After that, the only connection to the world outside of those rural backroads were the letters I wrote and the calls I made from a payphone in the parking lot at the grocery store during my 15-minute breaks.

It sounds bleak because it was and I couldn’t leave because I had little money and only had access to the truck to drive to and from work. It was the loneliest I have ever felt.

But one day, I was working when two women in their mid to late 20s walked into the store. I noticed them right away. I was drawn to their laughter and the way they leaned into each other and I wondered if maybe they were like me. I figured it was just wishful thinking on my part but I watched them as they made their way around the store. At one point, I was in the dairy case stocking milk and I could see them standing in the produce aisle. They glanced around, looked back at each other, smiled, and then started kissing. They kissed in front of God, the broccoli and me and then broke apart laughing before continuing to shop. I made sure I was front and center when it came time to bag their groceries and I walked them out and then watched as their car became a speck in the distance.

I can close my eyes and remember that day clearly — how my hands shook as I bagged their groceries with extra care, the glint of the sun on the hood of their car, the smell of the asphalt in the parking lot, and the way they smiled at me as they got in the car. I remember it all because for that one hour of that one day in that horribly long summer, I could see part of myself reflected in someone else and I felt less alone. I’d never seen people like me on television or in movies, had never seen lesbians outside my college campus except in dark, smoky bars. These young women reminded me that my circumstances were temporary and that I would be going back to school, back to my girlfriend and to my community. They reminded me that my life was bigger than it seemed right then. Those stolen kisses in the produce aisle saved me, making visible the kind of life that might be possible for me someday. They gave me hope.

That is the power of visibility.

The rest of that summer is a blur of awkward silence at home, finding beauty in the dappled sun on the winding country roads to and from work, and love letters to my girlfriend. And when August came, I packed up all my things and said my goodbyes—to that town and to my mother, not knowing if I’d see either of them again.

It’s been nearly 30 years since that day in the grocery store. I survived that summer. I graduated from college and moved to Minneapolis, leaving small town life behind me for good. That girlfriend who was my lifeline broke up with me but remains one of my closest friends. The community I started to build in college is bigger and stronger today. I’ve been with my partner for almost 27 years and we have two kids, one of whom is now in college himself. This is the life I couldn’t imagine all those years ago. I’ve seen queer lives become more visible, diverse and vibrant with every passing day and and every day, I strive to be visible, not just because it makes me feel powerful or pushes the world towards acceptance but because I know someone could be watching, someone who needs to see what’s possible, someone who needs hope.⚡
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Edited by Heather
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“The Fosters” Episode 121 Recap: 10,000 Chickens Come Home to Roost

The episode opens with Mike, Stef and Brandon in the back of the police car after Brandon has confessed all of his crimes. Mike is all “What?!” and Stef tells Brandon he can’t tell anyone and her calm demeanor seems to scare me more than it does Brandon. The parents get out of the car and Mike says “At least no one knows…” and Stef says, “Ana does.” She explains that Ana asked her for $10,000 worth of hush money and Mike tells her she can’t pay it because that’s a crime and then he says he wants to kill Ana which, apparently, wouldn’t be a crime. San Diego law must be a little different than other places. Stef tells him to stay away from Ana and she’ll deal with it. She also says she wants Brandon to move home.

Mike and Dani argue while Brandon packs up his things. Dani tells Mike she was protecting him and worried about his sobriety and Mike tells her to get out, “We’re done!” Dani cries and scuttles away.

Stef gets home and tells Lena that Brandon is coming home. Lena wonders if that’s a good idea and Stef says, “Callie and Jude are being adopted on Monday so he’s gotta get over it.” Yeah, that’s worked so far. Lena wonders why Brandon was selling fake IDs and Stef cleverly avoids answering by saying, “What happened to our son?”

Clearly good decision making does not run in this family.

Mariana shows up at Zach’s house which looks like it was decorated by Gay Yosemite Sam. Bang bang! Salmon paint! Wagon wheels! Amanda answers the door and is the sweet version of herself and calls for Zach. Mariana asks if she forgets him sometimes and thinks he is his dad sometimes and he says, “Yeah.” Mariana says Amanda needs help and Zach tells her that she has early onset Alzheimer’s Disease and he needs to take care of her. Mariana says, “But who’s going to take care of you?”

Digression 1: I was actually hoping they were going to go the Alzheimer’s route rather than some unspecified mental illness. I was an Adult Protection investigator for 15 years and worked with many people and families dealing with Alzheimer’s Disease. Sadly, the agitation and marked personality changes are true hallmarks of the disease. Obviously, things have been exaggerated here to some degree but it’s actually a fairly true depiction of some of the more extreme cases.

Stef visits Ana and tells her she’ll get her the money and adds, “I’ll get you that $10,000 and I never want to see you again.” I should be focusing on how scary she is but I’m distracted by her jean jacket and then start wondering if I should start wearing a jean jacket again and then I remember my last jean jacket (from the Gap, purchased my last year in high school) and I miss it. That’s right — the characters on this show abusing their power has become so commonplace that I am now desensitized and can only think of denim.

Connor and Jude are playing video games when Mariana comes in smiling and tells Jude he has a call. Connor gets a weird child actor look on his face which means that we can’t read it — jealousy, confusion, gastrointestinal distress? Who knows. Mariana tells Connor it’s a girl.

It’s like that game Mystery Date in real life–who is that character on the phone?

Mariana suggests that Jesus give Jude advice on girls and he says, “Emma seems to think I’m more of a jackass than a jack of hearts.” She says that he has been a jerk and suggests that he go back on his medications because she wants her brother back. She shouldn’t worry — she has extra brothers lying around.

Jude goes back to Connor and tells him Maddie asked him to a movie. Connor asks if he likes her and Jude says, “Not like that.” He asks Jude if he is sure and I am certain this is when Connor is going to ask Jude out and instead, he drives a stake through Jude’s heart and mine when he says, “Then is it ok if I ask her out?” Jude says “Sure,” which clearly means, “What? I thought maybe we’d ride off into the video game sunset together!”

Mike goes into Brandon’s room while he’s packing and Brandon says, “I didn’t think…” and Mike says, “No, you didn’t.” He tells him how disappointed he is and then walks out.

Lena meets Timothy to review the donor contract and he tells her he can’t sign it but we all knew he was going to say that, right? He says, “I think it would destroy me.” Lena’s looks is a combination of “I am so disappointed” and “Stef is going to fucking kill me.” Lena goes home and tells Stef who says, “What if you’re already pregnant?!” Lena stopped at Urgent Care on the way home for a blood test like it’s some kind of Kum-N-Go for healthcare. Stef knew they shouldn’t have inseminated before he signed the contract. 1 point Stef! Lena gets defensive and and points out that Stef was the one who said they should go ahead. 1 point Lena! Lena says, “If you don’t want me to have a baby, you need to say it.” Stef tears up and says, “I don’t want you to have a baby, Lena.” Nobody wins.

There’s always room for more drama!

Brandon is playing the piano when the doorbell rings. He answers the door and Callie is standing there looking like a character from Breaking Amish. She tells him she had a flat on her Amish wagon and, since she was in the neighborhood, she thought she’d tell him the adoption is Monday. She feels like she’s done nothing but mess up his life but, really, he’s been doing that all on his own. She says she wants to be a part of the family more than anything she’s ever wanted but doesn’t want to hurt him. He assures her she isn’t hurting him and then they hug and — because this show has ruined me — I worry they’ll kiss. But they don’t. Whew.

Lena is locked in the bathroom and Stef says, “Lena, honey…” Lena comes out and says, “Well, you’ll be happy to hear I just got my period.”

Digression 2: I spotted for the first 11 weeks of my first pregnancy and, during that time, I thought I miscarried but it turned out that I was just really sick from eating a bad buffalo chicken sandwich. My point is that Lena getting her period is too good to be true and exercise caution when eating buffalo chicken sandwiches.

Stef apologizes and says, “I want you to have everything you have ever wanted, Lena.” Therein lies the problem with Stef, Lena and the inability to be completely honest. But Stef admits that the thought of a baby overwhelms her since the kids are having problems. Lena says they are just teenagers, having teenager problems but I don’t think running away, theft and witness tampering (to name only a few) are typical teenager problems. My biggest problem as a teenager was learning to use a curling iron without burning my forehead. Stef tells Lena about Brandon and Ana and the $10,000 and tells her she’s going to meet with Ana, wear a wire and catch her extorting money from an officer.

Dani goes to Mike’s to get her stuff and finds Brandon drunk on microbrew and potato chips. He tells her about Callie and she takes the bottle from his hand and says she doesn’t want him to ruin his audition for the symphony which is the next day. She leads him to the bedroom and  puts him to bed and sets his alarm for his audition and walks out of the room, apartment, our lives forever. Dream on. Let’s all close our eyes tightly and think kittens and flowers. Don’t think of bunnies. Because you know what bunnies do. They go at it on someone’s big boy bed.

Obligatory picture of Brandon and his questionable life choices.

The next morning, Brandon’s alarm goes off and he’s in bed alone. Mike never came home and Brandon has a drunk message from him apologizing. Brandon leaves a message for Dani saying he’s worried about his dad.

Maddie asks Jude if he talked to his moms about the movie and he says he can go. Connor overhears and tells Jude he can’t come to the adoption because it’s for good friends and he’s obviously not a good friend. Why can’t anyone on this show ever have good things?!

Brandon is at his audition, waiting his turn, when Dani texts to say she knows where Mike hangs out and she’ll find him. It’s his turn and he plays and Stef walks in to listen which mirrors the first episode of this series which seems like four score and seven years ago.

“The Fosters” Episode 120 Recap: Nothing Good Ever Happens in Metropolis

The episode begins with the usual yada yada yada about what happened last week and the only thing that stood out to me was Vico’s jacket. Is the Anchor Beach mascot a whale or a shark? It looks like a whale but that seems like a dumb mascot — not threatening at all — “Watch out! I’m going to krill you!” So, it must be a shark which led me to watch West Side Story videos on YouTube. I think we should consider this Digression 1.

Brandon is playing piano in the music room at school and Callie comes in all smiles. No, really. She is wearing a sweater that is covered in smiley faces. He tells her he’s auditioning for the junior symphony because Dani knows someone. Dani is a shark. I know that for sure. Then, they reminisce about her first day at Anchor Beach and him playing music for her and this is very Circle of Life but I was not moved because my circle has moved far away from Brandon’s in the Venn diagram of this show.

Callie walks out into the morning sun like she’s in a shampoo commercial which is fitting because who is waiting for her out there? Wyatt. They hug and sway and sniff each other’s hair while Brandon watches and glares from the window. Callie and Wyatt chit chat and she asks him if he was trying to run the day Lena and Stef came to the hotel and he says that he wanted to run with her because he changed his mind about calling them. She then tells him he did the right thing. Wyatt says, “I think you have more hair than me now,” and she says, “You jealous?” He smiles, “A little.” It’s light and cute and I like light and cute. For the record, I like Callie’s hair better.

Hug. Rinse. Repeat.

Jesus and Emma are in Algebra and he is asking for help and the teacher is giving them looks and Jesus asks her to the winter ball and she says she already has a date.

Digression 2: This is how we know they live in California because here in Minnesota, that dance would have been called the Snow Ball.

Zach’s mom, Amanda, sneaks up on Mariana at her locker and says, “Guess who I’m here to see?” and Mariana’s eyes are as big as Cookie Monster’s because their last heart-to-heart involved Amanda calling her a whore. Amanda is there to see Lena. Zach comes over and Amanda tells them she is volunteering to chaperone the dance which is called “Metropolis.”

Digression 3: Back in my day, dances had themes, not names. I didn’t go to a lot of dances because I spent most of my time hanging out with my pack of girlfriends (go figure) but I did go to prom with my gay boyfriend (though neither of us knew we were gay back then) and then almost got into a fight protecting him at a party after the dance. The moral of this digression is figure out you’re gay or don’t go to dances or don’t be afraid to raise a pool cue to defend your man or Metropolis is stupid.

Amanda tells Mariana and Zach not to worry because she’s “all for dirty dancing.” I don’t know about Baby but somebody needs to put Amanda in a corner. She flits off and Mariana mentions Amanda’s mood swings and Zach says she’s just “eccentric.” I’ve met eccentrics and I’ve met Amandas — very, very different. Mariana is obviously waiting for him to ask her to Metropolis, but he says nothing and walks away. He obviously prefers Gotham City.

Stef runs into Mike at the police station and she says she doesn’t like Brandon being home alone while Mike works nights. Mike says Dani makes him dinner every night. I guess when you sell your soul to the devil you get a complimentary meal. Mike tells Stef that Brandon is back on track and she says that’s good because she wants him home soon. As Stef walks to her car, Anna shows up and tells her that “her son” gave her money to change her story but Stef doesn’t believe her. Anna wants $10,000 to keep quiet and Stef leans in but not in the whole “self-help be a woman leader” way but in the “don’t let the uniform fool you, I will cut a bitch” way and says, “If I do see you again, I will arrest you for trying to extort a police officer.” Anna gets the message. I guess leaning in really does work.

Sheryl Sandberg wishes she were this assertive.

Back at the house, Jesus is doing pull ups shirtless for all the younguns who like that sort of thing. Stef says, “Ooooo, looking good my friend.” She then tells him his grades need to improve and while they chat, she does curls with one of his weights so the rest of the scene is bicep curl go back on meds bicep curl you said I could try this bicep curl improve your grades and attitude bicep curl ok. Jesus says, “You got some guns there, mom.” She sure does. Then, she does a couple pull ups on the way out to prove the point.

Digression 4: For the Presidential Fitness test in school, I did the flex arm hang for 0 seconds.

Stef and Lena are getting ready for bed by removing the 129 throw pillows on their bed. They talk about Callie and Wyatt and Lena thinks it may be good that he’s back because he’ll distract Callie from Brandon. They finally climb into bed and then Lena accidentally raises Stef’s side of the bed. Have I mentioned that I hate this bed thing? I hate this bed thing. Beds shouldn’t have their own story lines unless it’s The Princess and the Pea. Stef wants to sleep on the same level and Lena wants to remain upright to read baby books. This is a metaphor people, so subtle. Stef wants a new mattress but says they can’t afford one. Stef, all the lady lovers who watch this show will pitch in for one. Lena says it’s illegal to sell a used mattress. Stef says, “No, it’s illegal to cut tags off of pillows,” and Lena says, “Why is that?” Made me laugh because sadly, these are the exactly kind of conversations Luisa and I have at bedtime, except a little weirder.

Digression 5: We recently had a bedtime conversation about squirrels. It was my bedtime, not hers because she is still in Africa so my bedtime is her wake up time. Anyway, I was pretty sure there was something in the wall and she told me to call someone and I said that doing so fell under “business” which is her domain and she was all “Then, you’ll have to live with the noise in the wall,” and then I said, “What if they take the siding off and the walls are made of squirrels? Just all squirrels.” Her response? “Likely. Goodnight.” And that’s how we’ve stayed together all these years.

Lena wants to keep the bed because it will be good during pregnancy and Stef says, “You’re right. Someday we’ll be intimate again.” Lena says, “Honey, we were intimate last week when we inseminated.” And Stef and I say, “Nothing intimate about that!” and then Stef and I laugh, but the Serious Music of Relationship Doom starts and Stef and I know we’ve made a terrible mistake.

Apparently nobody can be on the same level, literally or emotionally.

Dani made dinner for Brandon but he’s too busy sulking to eat. She asks what’s wrong and he tells her that Callie and Jude are being adopted on Monday and that Wyatt is back. Dani says, “If she starts seeing him again, you’ll only have yourself to blame.” Then, she tells him to tell Callie he still loves her and then offers him the apartment so he and Callie can talk or have the sex. Dani is like the evil Queen in some modern day fairytale involving cops, foster kids and lesbians. Someone work that out.

Wyatt is sleeping in his car. Look how artfully they slipped “youth homelessness” into our game of Social Issues Bingo! The next morning, he showers on the beach and then gets dressed in the public bathroom and his car gets towed.

Social Issues Bingo, or Shampoo Model Bingo?

“The Fosters” Episode 119 Recap: Buy One Dad Storyline, Get Two Free

This episode opens with Callie standing in the doorway of her dad’s apartment. Her dad is wearing a dirty mechanic’s shirt with the name “Donald” on it which is great because I don’t keep track of characters’ names very well. He invites her in but she just wants to know what he’s going to say to Jude. He says he wanted to get his life together and she says, “Before you could talk to us?” and he says, “Before I could get you back.” He wants a second chance and Callie says he’s too late.

What do you mean, “this is still technically season 1”?

Callie, Stef, and Stef’s blazer arrive home and Lena asks how group was and Callie says she didn’t go and I think, “Thank god/the universe/non-denominational deity of choice! She’s going to tell them the truth!” Then, Callie tells them she sat in the lobby and didn’t go to group because she had a bad day. A recent study showed that 96% of this show’s plot lines could be avoided if people told the truth. Callie awkwardly hugs a surprised Stef and then awkwardly hugs a smiling Lena and then  dashes upstairs. Stef and Lena — giddy from all the hugging — exchange smiles that say, “She trusts us and loves us and we are the best mothers ever.” Lena says she wishes Callie would talk about things and Stef says, “Not all of us are like you with the relentless need to process things the second they happen.” My partner will probably steal that line so she can stop saying, “Do we have to talk about this now?” which is much less flashy. Lena smiles the smile of a person who always gets her way.

patent pending

Jesus is moving his things into Brandon’s room and Mariana is having none of that. They argue and Stef asks what’s going on. Jesus says he can’t concentrate and Mariana says, “Duh. You have ADHD.” Stef looks horrified because moms have to look like that in those situations but, inside, we are all, “Ha! Good one! High five!” Or maybe that’s just me. Stef sends Mariana to her room and tells Jesus he can’t have Brandon’s room. Jesus says, “Fine. Don’t blame me when I fail algebra!” and Stef says, “Really?” in this perfect tone of annoyance and amusement.

This is also MY algebra face.

Digression 1: I hated Algebra when I was a teen and thought I’d never have to deal with it after I graduated and then I had kids and now I have to live through algebra two more times. Algebra could be used to promote abstinence.

Callie is having a late dinner and Jude joins her and she asks if he’s sure he wants to see their dad. He says he is. She asks him what he’ll do if their dad wants them back and he says, “I don’t know. He’s our dad.”

Dani serves up some breakfast for Brandon who thanks her for the money. Brandon is wearing a shirt that has teddy bears in suits all over it. Or maybe they are pigs in overalls. Bold choice, Brandon.

Someone should tell him it’s hard to look moody when he’s wearing that shirt.

Digression 2: I used to wear shirts with bold prints — purple and navy blue snowflakes, ducks in flight, etc. And then, a friend, reflecting on a lecture we’d just had in art history said, “Your shirt is an example of bad taste.” I would have stopped speaking to her but she made the best popcorn.

Brandon tells Dani he’ll pay her back but she says it was a gift and giving makes her happy, happy, happy! Then, she says she has one request and I don’t want to know what it is. I pause the show, eat Skittles and consider quitting the recapping life. I close my eyes and push play and Dani says she wants him to start playing the piano again. Like right then. So, he does. Mike can’t believe Dani got him to play and she says, “I’m a good influence.” Mike and his eyebrows tell her he’s thought about what she said and thinks Brandon deserves his undivided attention so she shouldn’t move in with him. This is not the answer Dani wanted.

No YOU ask him what that pattern is supposed to be

Mariana texts Zach and he tells her he is home sick. Brandon is all, “Hey Mariana!Do you miss me? How can you live without me?” and Mariana tells him they are all doing well and asks how life in the “man cave” is. He says it’s good but it’s not permanent. Mariana tells him that Jesus is trying to get his room.

Jesus is in algebra class squinting at the board. Little known fact: ADHD causes blindness. Emma asks if he’s ok and he says he doesn’t understand and asks her to study with him. She says she can’t.

We gotta get outta here, I think the Pretty Little Liars girls have to confront Ezra in here soon

Over lunch, Jesus offers to do Mariana’s chores for a week if she’ll convince “moms” to let him have Brandon’s room. Mariana is a tough negotiator and he finally agrees to two months. Just then, Finn Hudson’s mom comes over to the table. Hi Carol! She’s looked so good since Kurt gave her that makeover. Jesus leaves Mariana to her fate. Zach’s mom says, “You’re Mariana, right?” and squints at her so we must assume she has ADHD-induced blindness.

Digression 3: Have you ever read Blindness by José Saramago? So good in that whole “the human race is doomed” way which is the same feeling I have when I read comments on YouTube.

Mariana asks if Zach is ok and his mom says he’s “love sick” and I am so confused right now.

So be warned: If you are not giving this everything you’ve got, I WILL go all Lima Heights on your sorry ass.

Stef, Lena and Timothy are having lunch and talking sperm. Timothy says he just had a physical and Stef says, “What? This is just a primal need to spread your seed?” Way to cut to the chase, Stef. Lena is horrified and yanks on Stef’s leash. Timothy gives a speech about how great Stef and Lena are for taking in all the kids — especially the high risk ones — and is all smooch smooch smooch on those fine asses. Then, he says, “You’re the kind of parents that should be bringing kids into this world.” I so was horrified that an English teacher would use “that” rather than “who” that I nearly missed this week’s public service announcement! Stef and I aren’t buying it but Lena says, “Good answer.”

Mariana sees Stef leaving school and asks her what’s up. Stef says she was visiting “your beautiful mama.” Mariana says, “Romance during lunch — nice. Way to up your game.” Stef says, “I don’t need more game.” Mariana raises an eyebrow and Stef says, “I got plenty of game.” And she’s cute but not convincing. Mariana asks if she can go to Zach’s for dinner but Stef says she’s inviting Brandon over and Mariana tells her Brandon is grounded.

Callie is at a burger joint and Daphne cleans tables. Callie is all “I want to be your friend!” and Daphne is all “You think I’m a thief!” Callie begs and Daphne is immune until Callie tells her that she saw her dad which is the key to Daphne’s heart.

Stef shows up at Mike’s because she’s mad he didn’t tell her about about Brandon. Mike says he knows what it feels like to be out of the loop and asks her to trust him. Stef says he loves turning the tables on her.

Look, you got custody of the kid, and I got custody of the model biplane. That’s just how it is.

Digression 4: When I think of turning tables I always think of Lazy Susans and no one knows why they are called Lazy Susans. Obviously, some Susan was lazy but who am I to point fingers. Also, my mother had a Lazy Susan and I liked to spin it really fast but things would fly off and she’d get mad.

Mike says he is not interested in Lazy Susans and Stef tells him she has custody and must be consulted on every decision. After Stef leaves, Dani comes out of her lair to say, “I thought you handled that really well.” Then, she suggests Brandon move out sooner than later but Mike says they are bonding and Brandon trusts him and fatherhood blah blah blah. Dani says he’s right because Dani is a robot.

Terminator 6: Passive Aggression

Stef ends her Tour of Homes at the Charming Craftsman where Lena announces that she’s ovulating! Stef and I both say, “Wow.” Stef brings up the contract and Lena brings up her biological clock and Jesus interrupts to say Mariana is fine with him taking Brandon’s room. Stef is under siege! Lena can see Stef is stressed and says they should wait until next month but Stef says, “You always put everyone first. Let’s not wait.” Well played, Lena. Then, Stef says there shouldn’t be a problem as long as the contract is signed before the baby is born which lets us know what the next big plot line will be.

Callie tells Daphne what Donald said and Daphne understands his perspective. Callie says she doesn’t want him to confuse Jude and Daphne says, “Confused, you are.”

The best part of this scene is that the ACTRESS doesn’t even look interested anymore.

Mariana arrives at Zach’s house with flowers and I think, “She brought him flowers? Weird.” Zach opens the door and says with a sneer, “You brought me flowers?” Mariana says, “No, no…” and then Zach’s mom appears. I think her name is Amanda. I wish she’d get a monogrammed shirt. Mariana gives her the flowers and she’s thrilled and invites her in. They sit down to dinner and it’s awkward and Mariana says the food looks delicious and then Amanda hears a song on the radio and jumps up and turns it up. She asks Zach to dance with her and whoever picked “mental illness” in last week’s betting pool wins! Amanda sees he’s embarrassed and sits back down. She says, “This looks delicious. Who made this?” Zach says, “You did, mom.”

Wes Anderson, guest director

Jude asks Jesus, “Do you ever wish you had a dad?” and Jesus says, “Everyone has a dad. I just haven’t met mine.”

Digression 5: I hate this line because it reminds me of something a priest said to my son when we were at the marriage equality rally at the capitol last May. He said, “You have a dad, too. You just don’t know him.”

Jesus tells Jude to be careful and reminds him of the mess with Ana.

Shout out to the empty fish tank

Callie goes to see Donald again and asks why he stopped writing them. He says he was ashamed because he murdered their mother. Callie takes issue with that word and he says, “I got drunk. Got behind the wheel. She’s dead.”

Amanda pours Zach a glass of wine and Mariana says she shouldn’t. Amanda pours her a glass anyway and says, “In Europe, everyone lets their kids have a little sip or two now and then.” This is true but I don’t think a 1 sip = 1 glass but I was never good at algebra.

Digression 6: My partner is European and I know her general feelings about this issue but a full glass seemed way out there to me. She is currently in South Africa so I texted her.

Mariana is 15, so, I guess by wacky European standards this isn’t so far off.

Amanda wants to make a toast. She says it’s the second anniversary of Zach’s dad walking out on her which was the best thing that ever happened to her. Zach says, “Mom, dad left 10 years ago.” She says, “I know but it feels like two. Son of a bitch! Good riddance!” and then she leaves. Zach turns to Mariana and says, “Well, now you know.” Mariana says she doesn’t care and she likes “kooky” and then they kiss.

Speaking of kooky, Dani is painting shades of blue on the wall in Brandon’s room at Mike’s. She says she knows he likes blue. Then, he sees a Weepies poster and she says she knows he likes the Weepies. How does she know all this stuff?! Brandon says it’s nice of her to do all this but he won’t be there long. She thinks the whole Callie thing was handled poorly and she’s not really his sister and he should totes tap that. He says his dad wouldn’t like that and she says, “Honey, leave him to me.” Congratulations Brandon! You’re no longer the worst character on this show!

Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives, Brandon?

Back at Donald’s, Callie tells him that she and Jude have been in six different foster homes and she’s been in juvie twice. He says he failed her but, “I’m here for you now.” He says he’ll tell Jude whatever she wants him to and she says, “Tell him the truth.”

Over breakfast, the moms and the kids talk about Jude and Callie’s impending visit. Once Callie’s alone with the moms, she says, “I just want you to know how much Jude and I love you.” Lena smiles and says, “We know.” Stef smiles and says, “We love you too.” It’s sweet. It would be sweeter if Callie wasn’t a big fat liar.

I admire Stef’s dedication to plaid, honestly

Brandon asks Callie how she feels about seeing her dad and she tells him she’s already seen him. She says he wants them back and Brandon berates her for considering it, reminding me that he is still awful.

Stef and Lena are looking at speculums and reading insemination instructions and Stef says, “This is worse than when we built that volcano for Mariana.” Then, she sees the “Playpen” magazines on the bed and ogles the half-naked ladies and says, “Well hello…” Lena says, “Those are not for us!” Stef says, “Oh, come on! He gets to have all the fun!” Lena says, “And we get to have the baby.” Yeah. I’m with Stef. Ogle the ladies and forget the baby.

This isn’t what it was like on The L Word AT ALL.

Jesus looks into his pill bottle and sees he’s out of meds which shouldn’t be surprising since he took the last two at the wrestling match last week. Emma offers to study with him over lunch but he says he forgot something at home.

Timothy arrives at the house to spread his seed. As he heads upstairs to read the articles in “Playpen”, Lena and Stef giggle and go to the backyard and start making out. For real.

babes

Jesus gets home and looks for meds in the Wicker Basket of Medications and doesn’t find what he’s looking for so he heads up to the bathroom where he meets Timothy. Jesus asks what he is doing there and he says he had a parent/teacher conference with the moms. Jesus goes into the bathroom and sees the magazines and the cup and screams, “MOMS!” He appears truly terrified and it’s funny.

Suddenly, all the children are there and the moms tell the kids they are trying to have a baby. Mariana says, “We’ve never had one of those!” and, with that, cements her place in my heart. They explain that Lena wants to carry the baby and they want everyone on board. Stef says, “It’s really important to mama.” For fucks sake, Stef. I am fond of you but you are such a dolt. I take that back — the writers are dolts.

Brandon says Jesus can have his room and Stef gives the ok. As Brandon gets ready to leave, he and Stef hug and when Stef tries to step away, Brandon says, “No. Not yet. Don’t let go.”

Brandon “Enigma Face” Foster

Digression: Here’s the thing — I cried a little bit because I am having a lot of feelings about mothers and sons right now.

Mariana and Zach talk on the phone and neither wants to hang up and it’s very sweet and I’m happy for Mariana. After they finally hang up, her phone rings again and she’s all “Okay you cute little love muffin, five more minutes!” but it’s Zach’s mom who says, “Shut up, you little whore!” Mariana says, “Amanda…” and Amanda says, “Don’t ‘Amanda’ me!” and then threatens her. Why can’t Mariana have nice things?

Callie, Jude, Stef and Lena are sitting in the living room and the doorbell rings. Callie answers and she and Donald pretend they haven’t seen each other every night this week. Stef and Lena introduce themselves and then leave the room. Donald tells them he terminated his parental rights. He said he loves them but he’s never raised kids and Stef and Lena are giving them things he never could. Jude says, “Can I give you a hug?” They hug and Donald says, “I’m so sorry for everything.” Callie walks him out. Once outside, Callie says, “Thank you for saying those things and signing the papers.” He says, “I said I’d do whatever you wanted.” She tells him this is what she wants. He says he thought about fighting for them but realized, “I’ll always be your dad. I’m just not a parent.” There we go. I can live with that closure on the theme. He says, “Take care of each other.” She says, “We always do.”

I like to imagine these were also their faces when they originally read this week’s script

Best Line: I’m going to give it to Donald, “I’ll always be your dad. I’m just not a parent.” First runner up is Stef with when she says, “This is worse than when we built that volcano for Mariana.”

Really?: Dani freaks me out. Amanda freaks me out. My cat growling at a weird noise in the wall freaks me out…but that’s a different story.

“The Fosters” Episode 118 Recap: Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Lying Foster Brother

The episode begins with our young detective, Callie, staring at the picture of Brandon’s car at school at the time he claimed to be having dinner. Why were Stef and Lena struggling with the one car when their teenage son has a car? Why didn’t they seize it like some sort of lesbian mom eminent domain thing? Lena asks Callie if she made a list of people who were at the school during the photo shoot and Callie tells Lena that Daphne is trying to get her daughter back and could go to prison. Lena says, “If Daphne didn’t take anything, she’s got nothing to worry about.” I hate the smell of privilege in the morning.

“I reject your reality and substitute actual reality.”

Jesus writes an email to Lexi about how hard it is to be young and beautiful and in need of wrestling companionship. He tells her they should break up, titles the email “I’m sorry” and hits send. He heads downstairs to breakfast and guess who is there? A plot contrivance! I mean, Lexi! Lexi jetted in from Honduras to spend the week with Jesus. After Lexi heads out with Mariana, Stef calls after her to say she forgot her phone and Jesus says he’ll give it to her but first deletes his email to her.

Digression 1: I once sent an email to a friend at work about another co-worker who was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and flip flops at the office. His attire was completely inappropriate but I should not have referred to his ensemble as being “very Gay Ken at the Beach.” When she didn’t respond, I went over to her desk and asked if she got my email and she hadn’t. I knew that could mean only one thing – I had sent it to someone else. I rushed back to my computer to see that I had, in fact, sent the email to the Gay Ken in question. Long story short, I distracted him and my friend got onto his computer and deleted the email. I know – I am awful but I learned a very valuable lesson.

Dani is making french toast for Brandon and using her fingers to flip it in the pan and says, “Spatulas are for wusses.” It was a tale of two responses from me and Deborah. I found that endearing. Deborah said Dani should just “fry that toast on your burning loins” because she’s gross. Does Dani want to be a mom or Mrs. Robinson? Only time will tell.

Digression 2: I will now share with you my only french toast related joke. Do you know how to make French toast? When it pops out of the toaster, you say, “Bonjour toast!” It’s a terrible joke but it plays well to 8 year olds. My daughter still cites that as one of my best jokes, along with one that ends with a punchline of “Coldilocks and the three brrrrs.”

Dani tells Brandon she doesn’t want things to be weird and to get rid of the fake ID. Brandon leaves for school. Mike comes into the kitchen and Dani says she worries about Brandon while Mike’s working nights and suggests she move in. It’s becoming clear that Dani: 1) Wants Brandon to eat her metaphorical french toast 2) Wants to play house or 3) Is looking for a pet rabbit to boil.

Emma asks Jesus if he broke up with Lexi and he says he tried but she’s here to visit and Lexi bounds up to them at that very moment like a lovestruck Tigger. Lexi and Emma exchange awkward greetings and Emma slams her hand in her locker. Did she do that on purpose? Did she do it for attention or is this the teenage equivalent of 127 Hours? Jesus takes Emma to the nurse’s office and Lexi asks Mariana if she should be worried but Mariana is all “Nah!” Mariana introduces Lexi to Zach and he says he’s happy to meet another member of Team Mariana and adds, “It’s a team of one so I could use a few more bodies.” It’s harmless adorable teasing and I want Zach to be my friend. As they walk away, Lexi says Mariana can’t be friends with him because “Your body kinda wants to have his babies right now.”

Team Mariana couldn’t exist without Team Lexi’s self-interest getting in the way.

Count Vico of Doucheville tells Brandon he put the Kindle Paperwhites back and lectures Brandon about money equalling freedom. Callie watches the interaction and approaches Vico and says she wants in on the deal and he says he assumes a “juvie girl” would already have a fake ID. She tries to get him to tell her how and where he makes them but he’s not that stupid. Vico takes a picture of Callie for the fake ID she fake wants.

Stef and Lena tell Callie and Jude they have to ask their father’s permission to adopt them. Jude asks if they’ll visit him in prison and Callie says he got out a year ago. Jude’s upset that Callie didn’t tell him. After Callie and Jude leave, Stef says, “This is why I want to go with an anonymous donor.” Lena says they could draw up a donor contract with Timothy and Stef says they don’t even know if Timothy is interested and Lena is like, “Ummmmm….” Stef says, “I tell ya what. Why don’t you give me a ring when the baby is born and I’ll swing by the hospital and pick you up… unless you already have a ride.” This is harsh and bitchy and a completely reasonable response. Lena’s been driving the Baby Bus from the beginning and Stef’s been running behind drowning in diesel fumes.

Vico gives Brandon his cash and Brandon tells him he wants out. Vico tells him that Callie wants a fake ID. Brandon confronts Callie about the fake ID and says, “Don’t lie to me!” and I yell “Glass houses!”

Digression 3: People who live in glass houses in Minecraft really shouldn’t. Seriously. Don’t build a glass house in Minecraft because it’s frightening when the zombies just stand there and gurgle at you through the glass. This is a modern day proverb – take heed.

Callie tells Brandon she knows he was at the school and why. He comes clean and she says, “I lost a friend because of you.” I want this to be enough to keep them apart romantically forever and ever.

Mariana asks Zach to go Jesus’ wrestling match with her. Now that Emma’s finger is broken, Jesus has to compete. She suggests they could go out with Lexi and Jesus afterwards. She says it would be “Just four people, hanging out in a totally non-weird way.” Mariana is my absolute favorite person on this show right now.

Some random dude is showing off his fake ID to a friend and Brandon says they don’t work and gives his money back and destroys the guy’s ID. Your house is still made out of glass, Brandon! Glass and deception! I hope the zombies get get you!

At the wrestling meet, Jesus tells Emma he was going to break up with Lexi but she came all the way from Honduras and wants to say “Bonjour!” to his toast when it pops up. Emma says, “I’d rather be broken up with in person.” We don’t know Emma that well but I get the feeling she is wrestling out of her romantic weight class.

Callie is sitting in the bleachers texting Daphne when Stef and Lena show up. Callie says Daphne didn’t take the Kindles and Stef says they are all on probation and mentions the “company you keep” and Callie asks if she can’t be friends with Daphne and Kiara and Stef says, “Of course you can…” and I love Stef but she is so patronizing in this moment that I almost forget how hot she looks in that blazer with those jeans and boots. Almost. Callie says they want her to “make nice” with the privileged kids who probably took the stuff in the first place and Stef says, “I know this is confusing…” and I really want Stef to shut up so I can enjoy the view and Callie shuts her up by saying, “I’m not confused. This is exactly how the system works.” Preach.

Everyone’s wrestling with so many issues today.

The wrestling coach tells Jesus, “Focus is key.” This is our cue to think about Jesus’ ADHD. Jesus then reaches in his bag and pulls out a prescription bottle and takes two pills. Meanwhile, in the stands, Mariana is reading about wrestling scoring and explaining it to Zach. Lexi texts her and says, “Start flirting.” Mariana texts back, “I thought I was.” How cute is she? Very cute. That is the only acceptable answer. Brandon shows up and Mariana gives him the “J” in Jesus and tells him to sit by Callie who has the “E”.

Digression 4: This makes no sense. You would hand out a letter to each person as they arrive, starting with the first. Brandon arrived last which means he should have been left with the last “S.” YOU CANNOT JUST HAND OUT LETTERS RANDOMLY!

Lena is nervous about Jesus wrestling and Stef says it’s been good for him and Lena says he has been “jumpy” and then wonders if he would come to them if he wanted to go back on his meds. Then, Spermothy shows up and sits a few places away from them. Stef says he is charismatic and Lena says, “He’s really popular with the students.” How is that even relevant? He is not running for Student Body President! Stef says he’s attractive and Lena mentions the Rhodes Scholar thing again and Stef says, “And he’s an animal lover too…” and follows it with this faux weepy fangirl sound that makes me like her again. Lena says, “He also published a novel when he was 29 and plays the sitar.” Stef says, “What is that?” and Lena doesn’t know but it “sounds cool” and then they hold hands. Nothing brings lesbians together like a sitar.

It’s Jesus’ turn in the ring and Lexi blows him kisses and Emma blows poisonous stares. As the match begins, we see everything from Jesus’ perspective and everything is blurry and he is doing badly and seems like he might pass out. The coach calls a timeout and tells Jesus, “It’s win or lose, Foster. What do you want?” The crowd starts chanting his name and he goes back in the ring and wins.

Digression 5: Was Jesus’ blurry vision a result of his meds? Did he take too much? Or was it supposed to indicate that he wasn’t focused? What message does it send that a pep talk from a coach can make him focus and/or overcome medication side effects and then win the match? As the parent of a kid with ADHD, I hate the way they are handling this storyline. Right now, it is generalized hate. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to develop specific hate.

“A high school wrestling match is definitely more important than physical health. This stellar advice is sure to make you feel better!”

Lexi tries to send a pic of victorious Jesus to her parents but her mailbox is full so she has to delete some stuff and she sees Jesus’ deleted email. This makes no sense to me but I don’t care enough to focus on it. If only I had a coach who could give me a pep talk…

Brandon tells Callie he bought back all the fake ID’s and said he did it because he needed the money to pay back Mike for piano lessons. She says, “Why did you do that?” and he says, “For you.” I say, “NO!” and then “STOP!” and then “Why do the writers do this to you/me?” Jesus tells Emma he’s not going to break up with Lexi and she smiles and says, “I may be benched but I’m not blind.” She is sad but sweet and I’m glad they are showing one girl who is not a psycho when it comes to boys.

Zach tells Mariana he has to go and she’s obviously disappointed and he says, “Are we like on a date?” and she’s all “Um. What. Blergh.” He then searches his pants pockets and says he’s looking for panties. This is consistent for this character because he teases and makes a lot of jokes but I hate it anyway. Mariana says, “Very funny. Forget it.” He then grabs her and kisses her because this show is nothing if not consistent in its messages about the stupidity that passes for “romantic.” He asks if she wants to go on a real date and she does and then they kiss again and then a woman in a white station wagon pulls up and says, “Zachary! Get in the car right now!”

The root of her unhappiness could be:

a) She’s Quinn Fabray as an adult and pushing the celibacy agenda

b) She’s mentally ill

c) She’s racist

d) She’s an alcoholic

I’m going with mentally ill or racist because celibacy and alcoholism have already been dealt with in our game of Social Issues Bingo.

And Zach’s mom takes the free space. Is our Social Issues Bingo card full yet?

Vico throws Brandon against a fence because he’s mad Brandon told people the ID’s were bad. Vico says, “No one screws me over!” and then texts someone that he has a client for them and adds the picture of Callie.

Jesus and Lexi make out and she says they need to talk and then tells him she kissed a guy in Honduras and then basically gives the live-action version of Jesus’ email to her, “Maybe it’s too hard…” They break up. Lexi packs up her things because she is cutting her trip short. I’m sure it’s no big deal/big expense to change an international flight one day after arriving. Mariana asks if there was really a boy in Honduras and Lexi says, “There will be.” Oh Lexi, don’t be such a martyr.

Brandon sulks at Mike’s and Dani comes in saying she has a key and is going to make lasagna which is apparently Brandon’s favorite. She notices he seems upset and asks if she can help.

Zach shows up at Mariana’s and says he doesn’t have time for a girlfriend right now and Mariana asks if it’s because of his mom and he says it’s not but we all know it is. So, the only question is which multiple choice answer is the root of the problem? Shall we start a betting pool? Mariana’s brokenhearted little face kills me.

Jude asks Callie about their dad and she says they are better off without him. Stef and Lena come in and tell them the attorney found their dad and he agreed to give up his parental rights. Callie says they don’t need to see him but Jude says he wants to.

Brandon tells Mike about the money and Mike asks what he did with it. Brandon then hands him a bunch of cash. Dani and Brandon make eye contact and I’m thinking that lasagna might taste like rabbit. After Brandon goes to his room, Mike says he can’t believe Brandon lied and Dani says she is surprised he hasn’t acted out before because the evil lesbians took in all those foster kids. She then adds, “Another reason he needs to be here with us.” Just stop, Creepy Lasagna Lady!

Stef and Lena sit on the couch and Stef drinks tea which is contractually required of lesbians.

Tea makes everything better. And so does Stef’s smile.

Digression 6: I resisted drinking tea for a really long time because I didn’t want to be a Tea Lesbian. I wanted to be a Coffee Lesbian or a a Pellegrino Lesbian but damn – the siren song of tea is strong. The Tea Agenda may be stronger than the Homosexual one.

Lena says, “Am I crazy?” Stef says, “Is this a trick question?” This is always a trick question. Lena says they have all these kids and she’s talking about having a baby. Stef says the kids will go to college and the house will feel empty. That is not a reason to have a baby! That’s a reason to buy a smaller house or take in an eccentric but entertaining renter or to travel more! Stef says what we knew she’d say from the moment this donor thing began: “Oh Lena, I love you and your pretty, pretty hair and your ignorance about sitars and your sweet and calming voice and I will do whatever you want to do always and forever.” And then Lena rewards her with some hot kissing which erases my annoyance because – really – this is the hottest kissing these two have done since the show began. This was full on making out that finally made me believe that they are actually real live, lady lovers.

Callie shows up at her dad’s house and he says, “You look just like your mother.” The end.

Overall Impression: It was plain and fine which is what Deborah and I always say when something is “meh.” Stef and Lena making out was something though.

Best Line: Stef says, “I tell ya what. Why don’t you give me a ring when the baby is born and I’ll swing by the hospital and pick you up… unless you already have a ride.” This is the perfect summary for how this baby storyline has been handled.

Really?: Dani scares me.

“The Fosters” Episode 117 Recap: Much Ado About Panties

This episode begins as much of lesbian mom life does – with a Prius chock full o’ kids. Lena complains about how long it takes everyone to get ready in the morning and Jude says, “I’m always ready!” and Lena says, “I know, honey. That’s why you’re my favorite.” I love that response even though I can’t make that joke because my kids have elaborate conspiracy theories as to which one of them is my favorite. Callie asks Lena if she can go over to Daphne’s later and I have Recapper’s Dementia because I don’t remember who Daphne is and can only think of Scooby Daphne and then I start wondering what happens when Scooby Daphne takes that headband out of her hair. Have we ever seen her without it? I’m dragged from my headband reverie when Lena says something about Daphne’s apartment and then I remember Daphne from Girls United who definitely does not wear headbands. Lena suggests that Callie invite Daphne over to the house instead.

Jesus has returned but was only missing for one day this time, not three. Emma taunts him with a scone and mentions the weigh in the next day. Mariana watches Jesus and Emma frolic in the halls like scone-loving puppies and then reminds him he has a girlfriend.

Digression 1: Which puppy would be most likely to love a good scone? I was thinking an Airdale Terrier but then I looked them up to see if they were known scone eaters and found they were originally bred to hunt otters so no scones for you Airdale Terriers. You otter be ashamed as should I for the otterly ridiculous pun.

The Principal walks into Lena’s office complaining about all the paperwork she has to do for Callie’s probation officer. She is pleased with her attendance but thinks she should join a club. Lena says, “Not every kid is a joiner” and the Principal says, “Not every kid is a runaway.” Good points all around. Then, the Principal basically says what I’ve been saying for weeks – Lena, your family is a bit of a mess. This heartwarming tête à tête is interrupted by a fire drill. During the confusion, Brandon gives Lena’s key to the Boomerang Wrestler, Vico, who sneaks into her office. Afterwards, Brandon asks Vico if he got it and he’s all, “COP!” as Stef walks up to give Brandon cuddles and be generally adorably embarrassing. Vico dashes and Stef invites Brandon to dinner but he says he’s having dinner with Mike and Dani.

Stef and Lena have lunch while perusing sperm donors online as you do.

Why aren’t they looking for donors on a Kindle Paperwhite E-Reader?

Digression 2: I remember looking at donors online and being like “He’s got a Master’s degree!” and “This one is a star athlete!” and “This one saves otters from Airdale Terriers!” In the end, we made the final decision over lunch at Chipotle when we compared the two extended profiles we’d requested and saw that one of them had a nose like Gonzo. Yes, our donor won by a nose.

Stef is also taking this opportunity to complain about Mike’s endless stream of girls and Lena corrects that there is only one and she is a woman. Stef says, “Remember the pet psychic? She said our cat used to be Cleopatra in a former life.”  I laughed out loud because…

Digression 3: We once used a pet psychic to “talk” to our dog who was freaking out every time we left the house. We gave her $50 and a picture of our dog and she did her thing. She told us some things about our living situation that – to this day – we still don’t know how she knew. It didn’t fix the situation with our dog but it was worth the money for the story.

Lena points out an African-American donor who is a poet and loves dogs. Stef says she wants someone that resembles her and Lena wants an African-American donor because she’s half-white and doesn’t want the kid to be white and look nothing like her and Stef immediately backs down. Deborah was annoyed Stef caved so quickly but I think Stef gives Lena whatever she wants most of the time.

Callie and Brandon run into each other at lunch and call each other “friend” and “pal” and it’s awkward and they realize it so they part after a little fist bump and the scene is so light and endearing that I almost forgot the horror of the previous episodes. Mariana complains to Callie that Kelsey got all the friends in the break up. I hate to rub salt and all that but did Mariana really have any friends? She also mentions that Zach is mad and Callie points out that she put her panties in another guy’s pocket when she and Zach were kinda on a date.

Finally, a friendly, healthy moment in their relationship!

Mariana apologizes to Zach and he says he knows they weren’t on a date but she still ditched him to “hook up with some no talent toolbox” which seems like a generous assessment of Chase the Life Saver. He then tells her that they don’t need to be friends and leaves. Then, a bunch of guys walk past with red panties in their back right pockets and when you flag red panties right, it means you like to be fisted. Maybe this show will finally become The Fisters and all my typos will have been foreshadowing.

Kiara and Daphne show up at the Charming Craftsman and Daphne says she hasn’t been able to get a job. Kiara is getting placed with a foster family because the picture Callie took of her was amazing. Callie says she is supposed to be making friends at school but doesn’t have anything in common with anyone there and Daphne says she doesn’t have much in common with them but they’re all friends. I like Kiara and Daphne and Callie and friendship and can the writers keep on keeping on with this? Stef bounds into the kitchen looking all coppy which cuts the girl talk short.

Brandon and Vico head to the Rusty Barge Tavern to engage in some underage drankin’. Vico orders a Rusty Nail which sounds like it should come with a tetanus shot and Brandon orders a Cosmopolitan probably because he has gay moms.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Stef and Lena are drying dishes and Lena tells Stef the Principal said they have their hands full and Stef says, “Well, we do…” because Stef has use of all of her senses and all of those senses point to the fact that their family is crazy. Lena says the Principal wants Callie to join a club and make friends and Stef says that she agrees and that maybe she shouldn’t hang out with juvenile delinquents either. Lena says, “They’re good girls.” I’m with Lena on this one though it pains me to side against Stef when she’s in uniform. Callie pops in and tells them about her photograph of Kiara helping her get placed and says she wants to help other foster kids by taking their pictures and helping them stand out on the website. Lena suggests enlisting the help of people at school but Callie says that Kiara and Daphne are going to help her.

Their family situation might be crazy, but at least the house is always clean.

Back at the bar, Vico tries to get Brandon to tell him why he needs the money but Brandon won’t give specifics because even a two bit thug like Vico might take issue with bribing a witness in a criminal trial. Vico then flirts with a blonde at a table and says he’s going to get Brandon laid.

Digression 4: Deborah questions whether that “waving over” thing ever happens. She remembers sitting in bars looking longingly at ladies and never being waved over. I was once waved over. I was at a gay country bar so different rules might apply.

When they get to the table, Brandon sees Supposedly Sober Dani doing tequila shots.

Digression 5: I have only done tequila shots twice in my life. Once in a dingy bar in Iowa with the rugby team and the night ended with all of us running down the street in our bras. Once, last fall, with Deborah and Riese and a bunch of other people. We remained clothed but stayed up way too late.

The next morning, Brandon asks Mike how long Dani has been sober and he says five years. They talk about piano and blah blah blah. I would say more about this scene but I was bored and distracted by the polka dots on Brandon’s shirt.

At school, Lena glides down the hallway and Timothy the English teacher gives her a baked good of some sort as a bribe to let him borrow costumes from the theater for his nursing home production of Coral Anus. Well, that’s what I heard but it turns out he said Coriolanus.

Mariana is still freaking about people talking about her and Callie is giving her some tough love and then Mariana opens her locker and a bunch of underwear fall out and Chase and his gaggle of nondescript friends laugh. Mariana scoops them all up and starts stuffing them in a nearby trashcan and Lena is all, “Great! Now we have an underwear hoarder too!”

“I know this family is a lightning rod for social issues but please,please don’t lecture me!”

Back at the house, Stef and Lena talk to Mariana about the “right” way to get a boy’s attention and Mariana is embarrassed and doesn’t want to talk to her moms about boys. She says that no one will ever notice her and Lena says, “One day soon – much too soon for us – the right boy is going to want to be with you.” Mariana says, “That’s what everybody old says.” Stef says, “Yes and you should listen to them because they are wise and, by the way, not that old.”  This show is so good when they just deal with the everyday family stuff. After Mariana leaves, Stef says, “Whatever happened to ‘Do you like me? Circle yes or no’?” I’m sure there’s an app for that. Stef mentions that she invited Mike, Dani and Brandon over for dinner and Lena is all, “Whaaaaat?” and Stef says she told her yesterday and Lena says, “No, honey. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you ever said it out loud.” YES. This happens in my house and my partner is Stef and I am Lena and I DON’T READ MINDS. Lena invited Timothy over and there can only be one reason for this – she wants to discuss jizness. Stef tells Lena to uninvite him and Lena won’t so Stef says, “Then we’re having a dinner party! Break out the hummus!” The combination of lesbians and hummus is always funny to me. I’m easy.

At the weigh in, Jesus dropped a class and Emma went up a class and they have to wrestle. The team gathers around and chants, “Two men enter. One man leaves.” This sounds like A) the beginning of a story problem or 2) an introduction to gay sex. Jesus and Emma wrestle and then exchange awkward eye contact and then Emma wins. Emma is mad and Jesus thinks she should be happy she won but she says she only won because things got weird. She says, “On that mat, I’m not a girl.” He says, “Fine. You’re not a girl.” Then, she kisses him. I’m going to try that line tonight and see how far I get.

It’s dinner party time at the Charming Craftsman! Timothy arrives with a bottle of wine and I really wish he’d shave and use a different hair product, one that makes his hair look less greasy. Shine is good but slick is not as desirable. Lena introduces him to Stef as her “brilliant blah blah blah” and yep – I was right. Sperm donor. Dani and Mike show up and then Stef and Lena bicker about who is going to sit where and there is not enough hummus in the world to bring peace.

All we are saying is give (chick)peas a chance.

Meanwhile, Callie and Jude are at school setting up the photo shoot. Cole comes in wearing a dapper queer argyle sweater and there are lots of hugs and Cole seems happy and I like it when he’s happy. Daphne comes in judging the wealth of the school and asks, “They give you a piña colada with your homework?” Do you like piña coladas? And getting caught in the rain?

Brandon shows up at the dinner party and I use the word “party” loosely because Stef and Lena have competing motives for this little shindig. Lena gives a verbal accounting of Timothy’s Curriculum Vitae while Stef tries to see if Dani is fit to visit her boyfriend while Brandon is living there. When they head to the kitchen to bring out the next round of food, Stef asks Lena why she is being a big weirdo for Timothy and Lena says she wants to ask him to be their donor. Stef says she should have asked before the “trip to awesometimothyfacts.com” because she’s not comfortable with it.  There is no such site, by the way. Timothy comes in and asks if he can help and they stare at him like lesbian guppies and I’m pretty sure he was just talking about dessert.

Mike went to the bathroom which means Brandon and Dani are alone in the dining room. She says she saw him at the bar and he says it was a one time thing and she says hers was too and that she slipped. She tells him not to tell his dad because she doesn’t know that no one in this show can keep a secret.

The next day, Timothy visits Lena in her office and she apologizes for the awkward dinner and he says, “If you’re interested in using me as – you know – sperm donor, I’m in.” Ugh. No. That baby will come out with 5 o’clock shadow! The Principal needs to talk to Lena so Timothy and his sperm take their leave. She tells Lena that, during Callie’s photo shoot, someone stole a bunch of “Kindle Paperwhite e-readers” and Lena says, “And someone stole this show’s subtlety.”

Mariana reads the review of Chase in the play and he gets skewered. The review was written by Zach who wanted him to pay for how he treated Mariana. She says they’re friends and he says he was just “righting a wrong” like Batman. Sorry folks – I’m all out of bat stories. I used those up last week.

If only Batman’s vigilante justice involved this much sass…

Lena and Callie meet with the Principal and Callie says she never gave Lena’s keys to anyone but she did – she gave them to Daphne. Then, we see Callie and Daphne on the beach and Callie asks her if she took the Kindle Paperwhite e-readers. Daphne says she didn’t and that she saw Brandon lurking about. Callie goes to Brandon and asks if he was at the school and he says he wasn’t.

Jesus apologizes to Emma for offending her and then kisses her. She asks about Lexi and says, “I don’t do cheating.” Thank you, Emma. Jesus says, “I know. Me either.” A break-up is coming.

Vico gives Brandon a wad of money and Brandon asks if he stole the e-readers. He did. Brandon tells him to put them back.

Callie tells Stef and Lena that she gave Daphne the keys. Then, while upstairs looking through pictures from the photoshoot with Jude, Callie notices a shot of a window and through that window is Brandon’s car. She knows he lied!

There’s a mystery afoot! Those meddling kids…

Overall Impression: I like this show when they focus on the drama in day to day life without the major crises.

Best Line: Lena, “No, honey. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you ever said it out loud.” Because that is some real life right there.

Really?: They really, really, really better not make Daphne take the fall for the Kindle Paperwhite e-readers.

“The Fosters” Episode 116 Recap: Brandon and His Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Judgement

The episode opens with sunny skies and I think this means something, like maybe all the darkness of the previous episodes is lifting or Spring is coming and my kids’ school will remain open for five days a week for a change. It’s Callie’s last group at Girls United and Rita wants all the girls to tell Callie what they learned from her and, during this entire scene that suggests deep connection between these characters, I wonder, “How long has she been there? Is Fosters’ time like dog years?” Kiara says that Callie taught her to listen. Nope, didn’t see that. Gabby learned about addiction. Nope, missed that. Cole says, “I learned that you’re my friend.” Well, at least we saw a little of that. Then, Callie tells them all that they taught her what courage is and Rita of Oz pins a medal to her chest and she sings about rainbows.

Goodbye Girls United, hello Fosters’ home. Everyone welcomes Callie back but Jesus (who is at wrestling practice) and Jude (who is being distant and weird). Brandon sidles up to Callie and tells her he’s glad she’s back and that he moved in with his dad so they would have some space. This is a solid decision and I feel hopeful about Brandon.

There’s no place like the Fosters’ home.

Stef, Lena and Callie meet in the kitchen as Callie finishes the dishes. The  moms lay out the new rules and give her a phone but it has no internet access. Dishes! No internet access! It’s like Lesbian Mom Gulag! Callie tells them she understands she has to earn their trust and then heads upstairs to look longingly into Brandon’s empty bedroom. She goes to her own room and finds Mariana helping Jude with his homework. He leaves the room with a,”See you in the morning,” to Callie and it’s weird. They were all joy and cuddles at the end of the last episode so I’m confused.

The next morning, everyone is talking over each other in the kitchen while they eat generically named, non-product placement corn flakes. They make a big deal about Jesus still getting ready and then Lena reminds Stef to take him to acupuncture and Stef says he says it isn’t working and Lena is all “That’s part of the deal and he’s not meditating either!”

Digression 1: I decided to try meditation so I downloaded the Calm app and closed the door to my room and began the program. You start out slowly, mediating for 7 minutes at a time. Well, it’s been a few weeks and I am no calmer or more enlightened than I was a few weeks ago. I gave it 14 minutes of my life! I think Jesus ran away from home to avoid needles and meditation and I don’t blame him.

It’s Mariana’s first day of school after her suspension and she’s nervous about what people are saying about her and Jude wonders what people are saying about Callie but Callie doesn’t care which makes Mariana say she doesn’t care either and, coincidentally, I don’t care either. While they are all busy not caring, Jude reaches in his backpack and takes out a thing with a ribbon on it and a tag that says “And…” Was it a witch? A nesting doll? A rutabaga? What was that thing?

Stef answers the door and is served with a summons to testify about the shooting. Stef tells Lena who wonders why when she was unconscious and Stef tells her she wasn’t unconscious but said she was so that she wouldn’t contradict Mike’s story. She says it was a judgement call and Lena says, “It was a terrible judgement call.”

What would this show be without everyone’s dramatically bad judgment?

Digression 2: Deborah emailed and said Lena has no room to judge – doctoring test scores, sneaking prenatal vitamins, trying to make gaybies without her gay lady. I agree but I liked the scene anyway because it felt real. Sometimes, when you’ve been with someone a long time, you get right to the point, like “Don’t wear those sweatpants to pick up the kids at school. It looks like you’ve given up.”

Stef says that if she tells the truth, she could lose her job.

Brandon is getting ready to leave for school and some woman in a plaid nightshirt wanders into the living room . At first I thought it was Perky Wrestler Emma and I was like “WHAT?!” but this young woman’s name is Dani and she’s Mike’s “sober buddy.” She compliments Brandon on his jacket but says his collar’s messed up and then fixes it while saying, “Men just aren’t good at dressing themselves.” She’s very touchy feely and my notes say, “Ew!” which is funny because Deborah felt “Ew!” was the theme of this episode. Mike comes out of the bedroom and Dani leaves to get ready for Pilates so she can keep things “high and tight” and Mike offers Brandon money for piano but Brandon says he is taking a break.

Callie and Mariana enter school together and see Chase and Kelsey chatting intimately by the lockers and Callie tells Mariana to ignore them. Mariana says, “I have no intentions of acknowledging her miserable existence or her questionable choice in leggings.” When did Mariana become my favorite? Zach the theater nerd asks Mariana if she’s going to the cast party and she says she thinks it would be weird and he invites her to a movie instead. Mariana is as blind as a bat when it comes to love.

“Why isn’t your social perception as good as your fashion perception?”

Digression 3: I hate that bats can’t see well because if they get into your house, they can’t find their way out so you have to call your ex-girlfriend at 3 a.m. to come over and help you catch them. Then you trap them in a laundry basket and then somehow transfer them to a tupperware container, which you then put into your refrigerator until you can take it to be tested for rabies, and then you have to explain to your kids why there is a bat in the fridge next to their lunches.

Jude finds a candy bar in his locker with the word “All” tied to it and I worry this will end badly as so many things on this show do.

Mike calls Brandon’s piano teacher to see what’s up.

Brandon sulks on the beach and then gets hit by an errant boomerang. A guy runs over to grab it and Brandon is a jerk about it. Boomerang Guy sits down and offers Brandon some marijuana (which I like to pronounce marry-hwana). The guy is pretty nice and I think they’d make a cute couple. Years later, I imagine them saying, “We met on the beach. He hit me with his boomerang — a real boomerang.” Boomerang Guy can tell that Brandon needs to relax so he shows him his fake ID and tells him he’s bringing booze to a party later that night and invites him along. A date! I’m pulling for you two!

Jude and Connor are at lunch and Jude gets two cupcakes that say “Was” and “In” and Jude mentions that his birthday is the next day but it’s a secret. His birthday is recorded as a different date in the foster care system but he and Callie always kept the real one between the two of them. Connor is all, “INTERESTING, I WANT CUPCAKE!” Meanwhile, Mariana joins Brandon at his lunch table and she asks about the case against Mike. He tells her it will be okay because they only have Anna’s testimony. Mariana feels guilty because Stef got shot trying to fix her mess and wonders if she should talk to Anna. Brandon tells her to stay away and my hope for Brandon grows against the odds, like a Chia Pet in the depths of winter.

Maybe that boomerang knocked some sense into Brandon.

Brandon shows up at the Charming Craftsman to get his hidden piano money and runs into Stef who has to change clothes before testifying. Downstairs, Jude and Connor find more clues and try to figure out the message and their efforts are so poor we can only hope that our national security never depends on either of them decoding a message.

Back at school, Mariana approaches Chase and apologizes for the stolen fedora and he tells her he missed her smile and Mariana falls for that line and says she’ll see him at the cast party later.

We see Stef taking the oath and I wonder if she’ll tell the truth. If she doesn’t, is she swearing on a copy of Moby Dick? It worked for Idgie. The DA asks if she was unconscious and she says, “No, I was not unconscious. I lied. I was awake.” She tells the truth and I am relieved.

Digression 4: I hate lies. Have I mentioned that I lied to my mother only once and got caught? It’s true. Because I can’t lie. I told my mom I was going to a late movie and went to a party instead. I thought I got away with it but the next morning, I awoke to a note that said, “Call me at work.” I knew then I’d been caught. She told me that she couldn’t trust me anymore and I had to stay with my dad while she was out of the town for the weekend which was the 1980’s equivalent of Divorced Straight Parent Gulag.

Next, we see Anna in a coffee shop and I think, “Dammit, Mariana!” but it’s Brandon. Remember all the hope I had for him? My hope is Humpty Dumpty and all the kings horses and all the kings lesbians will never put my hope for this character back together again. Anna asks about Jesus and Mariana and Brandon says they were upset about the shooting and Anna asks him to tell them she’s sorry. He asks her why she’s lying if she’s so sorry and she says she’s not lying. Then, he behaves in the most reprehensible way imaginable. He tells her that she must be lying because otherwise, it would mean she left Stef dying to go get money from Jesus and that would be unforgivable. He says, “They’d hate you, right?” She says, “Right. I wouldn’t do that.” Then, he says that maybe someday she can be a part of their lives but only if she tells the “truth” about that night. She mentions being afraid of losing her food stamps and he takes out his big wad of piano money and gives it to her and says, “I just want you to feel safe to do what’s right.”

Digression 5: The only comment I wrote down about this scene was “Fucker.” I have long thought Brandon was the most entitled character on this show but to play on this woman’s desire to be a part of her children’s lives and to use his economic privilege to manipulate her is completely unforgivable. This character cannot be redeemed in my eyes.

Mariana asks Lena if she can go to the party and Lena is all “You got drunk last time…” and I say, “You were just suspended and your moms didn’t give you any consequences as far as I could tell so you are not going to the party! Go to your room!” Mariana says she’ll take Callie as her chaperone and Callie isn’t a big fan of the idea but Lena says she’ll talk to Stef.

Repeating the same behaviors and hoping for a different result? Why not?

Stef and Lena talk about the possibility of Stef losing her job and Lena says they’ll figure it out and says, “Like I won’t have a baby.” Stef says, “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t have a baby.” The language of this scene is all wrong. Talk about babies should involve the word “we”. Mariana interrupts to ask about the party and Mike comes in all smiles to say that Anna changed her story. Yay! I love it when the system works against poor women with mental health and/or chemical dependency issues! Brandon comes in wondering what all the excitement is about and I hate his smug little weasel face. His phone rings before I can throw a boomerang at him and it’s his piano teacher telling him he better tell his dad he quit.

Callie, Zach and Mariana show up at the cast party and the Boomerang Guy comes in with booze. Small world. Mariana  talks to Chase and asks him about acting and he says, “I knew I wanted to change lives…” and Mariana says, “And you do every night.”

Digression 6: I know 15 was a very long time ago for me but I am certain I never said anything that stupid. Of course, I was pre-gay which may explain it. I did say things like, “I bet I can stuff this whole piece of pizza in my mouth.” Is there a Pre-gay Girl to Straight Girl Google translate thing? Maybe serious pizza eating is equivalent to changing lives.

Kelsey brings Chase a beer and tells Mariana she didn’t get her one because she projectile vomited at the last party, which is not true. Chase walks off and Kelsey and Mariana bicker and Zach comes up and says “Blah blah blah hashtag cat fight” and he really needs some coaching on girls.

Brandon shows up at the party and sees his Boomerang Lover talking to Callie who explains that she came with Mariana. Callie leaves and Brandon tells Boomerang that he wants a fake ID so he can make money selling liquor to minors. Boomerang tells him they should go into a fake ID business to make the big bucks and says that Brandon has access to all student records because of his mom. This seems like a great idea, Brandon! You should do this and go to prison! You’d be a big hit playing piano in the rec room.

“I’ll make you an offer you should refuse…”

Talya shows up and hugs Mariana and tells her to make a bold move with Chase. She suggests taking off her panties and putting them in his pocket. Mariana says, “That’s a thing?” and I say, “No, Mariana! That is not a thing!” This never would have happened if I were her mother. She would be at home in her room with her underwear on playing Minecraft. Talya goes to the kitchen and tells him he’s like a puppy following Callie around and he tells her they kissed and then she calls Callie a “two-faced whore” in front of everyone and I want to point out that Callie doesn’t stuff her underwear in guys’ pockets.

Then, Mariana puts her panties in Chase’s pocket.

Back at the Charming Craftsman where all lesbians have their panties and chastity belts on, the Captain visits Stef and tells her that she received her deposition and couldn’t seem to open it on her computer. Stef thanks her and the Captain tells her that Internal Affairs will be watching closely so she better behave herself.

Mariana is in a random bedroom waiting for Chase when Zach appears and she’s all, “I didn’t put my panties in your pocket!” He’s about to tell her he likes her when Chase walks in and tells Zach to get lost. Mariana and Chase start making out and then he starts taking his pants off and Mariana is all “What’s happening?” and he’s like “The sex.” and she’s like “I was flirting.” and he’s all “Give me a hand job” and she’s all “Ew.”

Callie is outside crying. Brandon comes out seething, Mariana comes out disgusted.

And a good time was had by no one.

The next morning, Callie jumps on Jude’s bed and gives him his present — Hansel and Gretel. Not the actual characters…the book. Their mom used to read it to them. He opens the book and reads, “Then all anxiety was at an end and they lived together in perfect happiness.” He said he never got the word “happiness” and she tells him it’s downstairs. When he gets down there, everyone yells “SURPRISE!” Except for Jesus. He’s probably somewhere in the TV either watching baby Angelica for Bette and Tina. Jude is surprised that Callie told them about his secret birthday and she says, “We don’t have to keep secrets anymore. We have a family.”

Meanwhile, Brandon is in the kitchen stealing Lena’s office keys. Ah…family…

Overall Impression: Jude’s birthday was predictable but cute.

Best Line: Callie: “We don’t have to keep secrets anymore. We have a family.” Because I like irony.

Really?: Brandon continues to be the worst.

“The Fosters” Episode 115 Recap: Oh My God It’s Like Evil In My Mouth

Digression 1: There are only six more episodes of The Fosters this season! You know what that means? Brandon saw his shadow!

The show opens with Stef bringing her dad a cup of tea and I am confused because dead men don’t drink tea. As she delivers it, she wakes him up and they reminisce about the first time he took her to a Padres game and it snowed and she thought it was dust and they laugh and then Stef stands up and looks off into the distance and gets tears in her eyes and then it starts to snow in the house.  The Polar Vortex is really fucking with everyone. Then, we see Stef in bed with Lena as the theme song starts.

There’s snow place like home.

Mariana is in the bathroom crying and, when Jude comes in, she tells him it’s her first funeral. Jude says funerals aren’t that bad and Mariana asks him about his mom’s and he asks if she believes in heaven. Fortunately, they don’t go all Touched By An Angel and Jude simply says he believes there are people watching over them.

Lena and Stef stand in front of the mirror in their bathroom which also has a washer and dryer in it.

Digression 2: Is this a thing? Aren’t washers and dryers supposed to be in a laundry rooms? Isn’t that a rule? Lesbian laundry outlaws!

Stef powders the same spot on her face and Lena looks on concerned and uses her gentle voice and her gentle words and Stef just wants to make sure they put the bourbon out for the Old Fashioneds and wants Lena check to make sure they have enough bitters. Lena says they do but, “If we do need more bitter, we’ll ask my mom to tell stories about all the times she was passed over for tenure.” I love it when they drop lines like these in and it’s part of what’s been missing. Lena leaves and Stef looks for her mascara only to find Lena’s Top Secret Prenatal Vitamins. Don’t put those on your lashes, Stef. They’re bulky as hell and smell like iron.

Digression 3: Deborah emailed me and said, “I know you won’t be able to relate to this…” and then told me she spent a lot of time contemplating her mascara before her father’s funeral. She didn’t wear it and her mother said, “You know you’re a pretty girl…” which Deborah took to mean “Why are you a lesbian when you’re pretty enough to attract a man?” Putting the “Fun” back in “Funerals”! For the record, I contemplated mascara for my wedding because I expected to cry. In the end, I wore it and I cried and it didn’t run. This digression is the lesbian version of One Wedding and a Funeral.

The Fosterati arrive at the church for the funeral and the first thing that pops into my head is “Church of the Poison Mind” – such a great song.

Digression 4: Boy George and Alex Vause have the same eyebrows.

Everyone is there – the Fosters, Mike, the moms, the Captain and Callie. The Captain asks Lena if Mike is there and then mentions that there is an article in the paper about the shooting. She tells Lena not to let Stef read it. Yeah, I’m sure that will go well.

Because this family has such a great track record for keeping secrets…

They all file inside and Callie takes Jude’s hand and there is a flashback to the two of them walking into the church for their mother’s funeral.

Back at the house, Stef is yelling about Padres colors and Pigs in Blankets and I was happy to hear that she pluralized both because sometimes people say “Pigs in a Blanket” and that’s wrong because they aren’t sharing a blanket and the blanket is actually the best part in a lesser of two evils kind of way. In the kitchen, Mike looks glum and tells Lena about the article about police brutality and that it makes him out to be a murderer. Mariana and Callie chat and make deviled eggs and Mariana tells Callie she misses her and Callie says she misses her too and remember how these two started out? And now they are so good together? Sigh. Callie mentions that Jude took their mom’s death hard and there is a quick flashback to even younger Jude in a trashed bedroom. Brandon comes in and ruins everything by asking to talk to Callie.

Meanwhile, the revelers have arrived and there are poker games going on and Stef heads to the kitchen. Her mom tells her the minister gave a beautiful eulogy and Stone-Faced Stef says it was the same minister that her dad sent her to when she had lady loving feelings

Brandon tells Callie he thinks they should tell his moms they are dating and Callie is all, “Dude. It’s a funeral.” Brandon’s all, “Oh yeah. Good point.” After he leaves, Callie goes into her old room and sits on the bed and has a flashback to her mom asking for a kiss goodbye before going out for the night but little Callie is mad and won’t give her one.

Stef puts out licorice because it was her dad’s favorite and then sneers as she watches Lena play peek-a-boo with a baby. Mariana tries some licorice and after Stef walks away, Mariana says, “Oh my god! It’s like evil in my mouth!’

Can’t be any worse than the deviled eggs.

Digression 5: My mother loved black licorice. My grandmother loved circus peanuts. I come from a long line of women with horrible taste in candy.

The doorbell rings and it’s Emma the Wrestler with noodle kugel! We get a little primer on how Jews respond to funerals. Hint: They bring kugel. Every time they say “kugel,” I hear “kegel” and do 15.

Stef leads Lena to a quiet place and says, “Is there something you want to tell me about?” Flat-Affect Stef scares me a little bit. Good thing I’ve been doing all those keels. Lena says, “Mike told you?” Oh Lena. No. Stef and Mike talk and he says he can’t go back to work because of the article.

Callie is still milling about upstairs and she reflects on her necklace – literally and figuratively because she’s in front of a mirror and then has a flashback! She gets her mother’s possessions in an envelope from the morgue and the necklace is in there.

Lena’s in the kitchen with her mom who asks if something is going on. Other than the funeral? The delinquent children? Lena tells her about her trip to the gynecologist and wanting a baby and her mom smiles and takes her face in her hands and says, “Honey, why are you doing this to yourself?” I laugh out loud and so does Dana as she walks away.

“Why yes, I can manage a house and a marriage and a funeral and five children, and a new baby, thank you.” Who runs the world? Lena.

Stef is in the kitchen nook reading the article calling her ex-husband a murderer and Lena sees her and tells her to stop and Stef says, “Leave it be…” and yep – still a little scary. Annie Potts notices too and calls her out for being short with Lena all day. Stef tells her Lena’s trying to get pregnant and Annie Potts tells her to talk to her. And yes, I am calling her Annie Potts every single time in this recap for reasons I do not understand. 

Callie and Dana are in the kitchen and Dana asks about the independent living program and then says, “Sweetheart, forgive my candor…” and I know Lena has issues with her mom but I don’t and I know that I am going to love whatever comes after that line. And I do. She says, “Family isn’t just until you’re 18.” Callie leaves and Lena enters and Dana bosses her around and Lena snaps and tells her that she only wants to hear that she loves her and nothing else. Dana likes Sassy Lena!

Jesus and Emma are looking at something on his laptop when Lexi does a video call. It’s an awkward little meeting.

Connor and Jude are playing with a Ouija board and Jude asks if he mom is there and it says “yes”. Then, he asks, “Is it okay if Stef and Lena adopt me?” It says “yes.” I was actually relieved. I was afraid this show would go down some weird path if the Ouija board said “no.” This is what melodrama does to a person!

Thank heavens there’s no drama from…well, heaven.

Stef opens a box of celebratory funeral cupcakes and they are Dodgers cupcakes. Stef storms out and Callie comes in freaking out because she lost her necklace. Everyone offers ridiculous advice like “Stay calm.” Lena reveals her class privilege and fix-it nature by saying they’ll just replace it. Callie yells at her and walks out into the backyard where she inexplicably begins to dig around in the wood chips surrounding a tree.

Digression 6: One of the times my mom was dying (yes, there was more than one), I flew to KC and was away from Luisa and the kids for several days, including New Year’s Eve and Day. During that time, I misplaced my “wedding” ring and lost my mind and I obviously should have looked in the wood chips.

Jude tells Callie she’s freaking him out and acting like she did when their mom died and destroyed her room. She says, “That was you, Jude.” He says, “No, Callie. It was you.” Then, there is a quick flashback to Callie trashing her room and she says, “Oh my god…” Stef arrives at the perfect moment and asks Jude for a moment with Callie. She tells Callie the necklace was not her mom and Callie says that it was all she has left and then Stef gives the cliche lecture about memories and asks Callie to sit. Stef asks her to talk about her mom because she never has and then says, “Tell me about this woman who created the amazing girl sitting in front of me.” I’ll admit it. I cried. Let’s not dwell. Callie admits she wouldn’t kiss her goodbye and then sobs and Stef holds her. Stef says the last thing she said to her dad was “pretty much take the car and shove it.” Then, Stef finishes off the lesson with advice on opening yourself to love. Brandon watches them hug.

Emma leaves and it’s clear she’s into Jesus who looks surprisingly nerdy in a baseball hat.

Too bad Lexi can’t see that hat in person.

The minister approaches Stef to say goodbye and tells her that people’s attitudes evolve and that her dad was struggling to reconcile his faith with her “lifestyle” and she asks if that’s supposed to mean something to her and he says, “That your father was questioning his fundamental beliefs because of his love for you? Yes.” I actually really liked that line because it made me see it differently.

The Captain arrives and tells Mike that the DA called and is going to open a formal investigation.

Brandon and Callie sit together and he had found her necklace and gives it to her. She says, “I love you, Brandon” and he says “I love you too” but I know there is more and then it arrives when Callie says, “But…” and Brandon says, “I know.” She says, “I need a family. All of you are my family.” He tells her, until today, he didn’t understand that she would have to give up everything to be with him. It’s over. It’s finally over! And, I am so happy they let Callie be the one to make the decision instead. I didn’t want him to appear noble and I wanted to see her take control of her life.

Annie Potts comes out and asks Brandon to play something for them and he goes inside. Jude comes out and Callie says, “I’m coming home, Jude.” Hugs. Smiles. All the things.

It’s not a happy ending, it’s a happy new beginning.

Meanwhile, Stef sits alone in the Prius and thanks her dad for the car and tells him she knows he did the best that he could. She says, “I forgive you.” A booming voice then says, “I forgive you too, Stef!’ Nah. That didn’t really happen but it snows which is basically the same thing. Lena comes out to the car in her Padres hoodie which looks so cute on her that I think she should be required to wear it every episode. She gets into the car and they stare silently through the front windshield and Stef says, “So, you wanna have a baby?”

END SCENE

Overall Impression: If it weren’t for the social issue bingo going on, I’d say the writers were doing better and at least giving us some lighter moments.

Best Line: Mariana: “Oh my god! It’s like evil in my mouth!”

Really?: Brandon and Callie are done. I’ll take it.

“The Fosters” Episode 114 Recap: We Could All Use Some Jesus Time

Digression 1: Yes. Already. It is 11 p.m. and I am just starting to write this recap because I was at my kid’s junior high play. My poor example teaches valuable lessons: 1.) Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be recappers 2.) Blame all your problems on Moliére and 3.) A good liberal arts education will allow you to make reference to Waylon, Willie and Moliére in one fell swoop.

Let’s get to it! The episode opens with Brandon packing a bag and looking pouty as is his lot these days. He kindly picks up his iPhone to show us that he kept texting Callie after receiving a text that said, “STOP TEXTING ME!” because Brandon is a rebel. A rebel with a restraining order.

Downstairs, in the great lesbian kitchen, Jesus complains about his breakfast and wants egg whites only. Marianna will eat his standard scrambled eggs provided they are cage-free. Stef and Lena complain how hard it is to have only one car.

Would you eat them in a house? Would you eat them with a mouse? You children are so hard to please.

Digression 2: At one point in our lives, my son went to school in south Minneapolis. My partner worked in St. Paul. My daughter went to daycare near downtown Minneapolis and I worked in downtown Minneapolis. We had only one car and every day was a crazy mix of cars and buses and you know what else, Stef and Lena? We did it all in the snow.

When they are done whining about the car, they tell Jude they want to proceed with the adoption. He asks about Callie and Stef asks if he wants to be adopted without her.

Next we see Daphne in checking out her new apartment with Rita and Callie. Why is Callie there when she lost her privileges and has proven herself to be completely dismissive of the rules at Girls United? That is a good question that won’t be answered!

At Anchor Beach School for Chatty Wrestlers, Jesus is about to eat lunch when Perky Emma joins him. He is wearing a scuba suit under his clothes or something and Emma asks why and he tells her that he’s trying to drop a weight class. He is surprised Emma is talking to him after his mom’s embarrassing verbal smackdown of the coach but Emma says, “I’m not into icing people out. That’s why I don’t hang out with girls.” Oh, Emma, I wish we could all get along like we did in middle school. Emma then eats Jesus’ food.

Lena goes to the gynecologist which sounds like a terrible sequel to Curious George Goes to the Doctor. Thankfully, the gyno isn’t the Man with the Yellow Hat because his attention to detail was always worrisome. There is some chit chat about the kids and then Lena asks if she’s too old to get pregnant. It really does seem like the perfect time for a baby because babies go well with restraining orders, allegations of drug use and theft, runaways and a budding eating disorder!

Digression 3: I watch this online at the ABCFamily site and the most often repeated commercial is for the “stand and stuff flour tortilla.” It’s a bowl. Made out of tortillas. It offends my delicate sensibilities.

Jesus gets a text from Emma about his diet and a picture of her eating a sandwich. Then, he gets a text from Lexi with a picture of her in just a bra. She asks what he’s wearing and he takes off his shirt and unbuttons his pants and takes a selfie. Oh my goodness! Whatever will happen next? Jude walks in on him and Jesus freaks out and tells him to get out because he needs “Jesus time.” Jude takes his leave and Jesus accidentally texts the picture to Emma.

That is NOT a sandwich!

Stef is watering the bushes when Lena gets home from the doctor and says, “Have fun at the gyno?” Lena says, “It’s more action than I’ve gotten from you in awhile.” This is what has been missing! Remember when they used to tease each other and say funny things? Before Stef can water Lena’s bush, Stef’s dad drives up in a new Prius and tells Stef it’s for them. Stef won’t accept it because he didn’t come to the wedding and he says he didn’t come to the wedding because she asked him not to and I say, “Can I have the Prius since Stef doesn’t want it?” Frank leaves and Lena looks longingly after the Prius.

Later that night, Stef and Lena are in their craftmatic beds — upright, to facilitate reading. We need to start a petition to bring back their old bed. It’s like the 1950’s in their room. Lena tells Stef the gyno says, “Hello.”

Digression 4: That seems weird but it actually happens. Luisa and I have the same doctor and, when I last saw her, she was all, “Tell Luisa to come see me. Unless she’s seeing someone else. Tell her it’s okay if she’s seeing other people.” She is quirky and I like that about her.

Lena is about to bring up the baby thing but the biggest baby of all, Brandon, comes in and asks if he can go to Family Day at Girls United. He says it was wrong for them to kiss and blah blah blah. Stef tells him they’ll think about it and right after he leaves, she asks Lena, “You buying it?” and Lena says, “I have no idea.” Trust your gut! Then, Stef puts down her bed and turns off the light and there is no baby talk.

The only action happening in this bedroom is the magic bed getting adjusted all the time.

At Family Day, the Fosters arrive en masse and Kiara says, “Damn Callie! You roll deep.” Have I mentioned my unconditional love for Kiara? I have unconditional love for Kiara. Callie hugs everyone but Brandon and Brandon sucks the life out of the entire room/house/show with his sullen mug. Lunch is served and Jesus skips it because he wants everyone playing at home to be able to mark “eating disorder” on their Social Issue Bingo cards. Callie and Jude eat alone on the porch and Jude tells her she pushes people away and ignores me when I point out that he kinda drove her away. He tells her the Fosters are adopting him anyway and she’s happy for him but also a little broken by it.

At one point, Rita mentions to Stef that it’s interesting that she got a restraining order against her son and then brought him to visit. Thank you for bringing this up, Rita. That could never happen! A mom doesn’t get to choose when a restraining order is enforced. Rita also tells Stef that Callie applied to be in the independent living program. Callie goes into the kitchen and Brandon follows her like the creeper he is and says, “Why are you breaking up with me?” and she says, “I’m not.” Just then, the kitchen is engulfed in flames and neither Brandon nor Callie survive. They were sad at the loss of their friends but they had to get the women back to camp. Line from a cartoon — name it!

I lied about the fire. Sorry. Stef and Lena walk into the kitchen and ask about the independent living thing and Callie confirms it.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Jude heads to his room and knocks but Jesus is having “Jesus Time” again. So, Jude sits outside the door and unfurls a flag-sized pack of string cheese. I guess he’s having cheese time.

At the group home, Callie takes out the trash and catches Cole sneaking in the back with a bag full of drugs. Callie confronts him about the phone and tells him she won’t tell Rita about the drugs if he gives it back which he does.

You can keep taking hormones that weren’t prescribed to you as long as I can keep texting Brandon.

Meanwhile, Jude has eaten all the cheese and knocks on the door again and Jesus says that he’s not done and Jude walks in anyway. He sees Jesus talking to Emma. Jesus gets mad and yells at him and Jude throws a book at him. Not the book, just a book. Stef and Lena walk in and take the matter under advisement. They talk to Jude in the kitchen and tell him that he can’t throw books and Jesus will get a talking to as well. Jude uses “my room” in the conversation and when he goes back upstairs, Stef and Lena squeal like school girls about that and the fact that he threw a book at Jesus which is something a “real” brother would do.

Digression 5: This scene has played out at my house many times. Lena tells Jesus to “be the big brother” and I have said that at least 167 times to my son. My daughter doesn’t throw books, though. She throws punches.

Back at the group home, Callie is doing laundry in the dark. At least that’s what it looked like to me. Cole comes in and tells Callie that he’s not a drug addict and the drugs are hormones. He also tells her that his parents kicked him out because he wouldn’t “act like a girl” and he did what he had to do to survive. He asks to use Callie’s phone when he needs to get his hormones and she says he can. This was a great scene. The actor who plays Cole was spot on and we got a little more backstory that deepened the character.

The next day, Daphne, Kiara and Callie are at Daphne’s new apartment cleaning when there is a knock on the door. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Brandon. Brandon who? Brandon. That’s the joke and it’s a bad one. Kiara agrees because she says, “Oh hell no!” Daphne tells them they have 15 minutes. She and Kiara will go to 7-11 for more cleaning supplies. I shout, “Bring me an ICEE!” but I don’t think they heard me. Brandon brings Callie her guitar and she starts fantasizing about what it will be like to have her own apartment and where she’ll put his keyboard and he starts fantasizing about what kind of TV they’ll get and then I start fantasizing that someday this storyline will end. He takes her guitar and serenades her.

Obligatory picture of Brandon continuing to make bad decisions and annoy everyone.

Digression 6: Callie has the same exact capo my daughter got for Christmas but now it’s my capo because her little hands couldn’t exert enough pressure to use it. Now you know our capo secrets.

When Daphne and the gang arrive back at Girls United, Cole is being taken out of the house on a stretcher. He was found unconscious in the bathroom with needles and the hormones. Later that afternoon, Rita and the girls are processing what happened to Cole and they all gang up on Callie because she knew he was taking the hormones and that they weren’t as safe as what he would have gotten from a doctor. So, he had a seizure and hit his head. Callie says that none of them want to be there and one of the girls says, “You have a family that wants you.”

Stef and Lena are looking through ads for used cars and Lena mentions one with anchor points for a baby seat and Stef says, “Thank god those days are behind us.” I love Stef but she does have a way of always saying the wrong thing. Of course, few are privy to the Secret Life of Lena so I can’t really blame her. Lena suggests a minivan and Stef says, “It violates our sacred oath to never drive a minivan.”

Digression 7: Deborah drives a minivan and was offended by this statement. I have never driven a minivan so I found it hilarious. To minivan or not to minivan, that is the question.

Lena then suggests they accept Frank’s gift and tells Stef that intolerance goes both ways and Stef is hoppin’ mad! She says, “Wow. You must really want that car.” Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness. Stef storms out and the gyno calls to say she’s gotta ticket to ride the baby train.

At Girls United, Callie sits on the couch doing homework and Rita joins her for a heart to heart. Well, really, it’s just one heart because Callie pushes everyone away. Rita knows how that is because she had a great husband and she cheated on him because she didn’t think she deserved him and Callie does that too but not with husbands but with everybody. Callie is all GRRRRR and goes upstairs.

Later, Cole comes home and Rosie helps him into bed and gets teary and tells him she was really scared. After Rita leaves, Cole tells Callie he really thought his parents would come see him at the hospital but they didn’t. Callie goes downstairs and turns her phone into Rita and says, “I know where I need to be now. I need to be here.”

Stef goes to Frank’s house and enters through the sliding glass doors as usual. She calls out for him but he doesn’t answer. That sinking feeling? That’s what a plot point feels like. She finds him in the living room with the TV on. She turns off the TV but can’t wake him and that’s how it ends.

This is how the show ends, not with a bang but with a worried Stef looking gorgeous as ever.

Overall Impression: They are still trying to pack too many issues into this show but this episode had a few bright spots and seemed like Emmy material compared to last week’s.

Best Line: Stef: “Have fun at the gyno?” Lena: “It’s more action than I’ve gotten from you in awhile.”

Really?: Brandon and Callie. Still. In the words of the great philosopher, Kiara, “Oh HELL no!”

“The Fosters” Episode 113 Recap: A Group Home Of Our Own

The episode opens with Ed the Probation Officer meeting with Stef and Lena in the back yard while Mariana  watches through the kitchen window. Ed is not pleased that Stef and Lena kept the Brandon/Callie kiss to themselves and they look contrite and he says Brandon cannot show up at the group home again or they’ll kick Callie out. As Stef and Lena assure Ed they understand, Jude comes into the kitchen and Mariana says, “Morning Judicorn!” He is unimpressed I am not going to unicornify the names of everyone I meet. Meanwhile, outside in the secret garden, Ed hands Stef and Lena a piece of paper while serious music plays.

At the group home, Rita sits behind a desk and does not look as busy as her sweater. She tells Callie that she can’t leave the premises and can’t have any contact with her “boyfriend” and can’t have any more “accidents” with Cole or anyone else and Callie says she’s sorry but we know she’s not.

Stef, Lena and Mike are chatting in the living room when Brandon comes downstairs. Stef tells him they met with Callie’s probation officer and he can’t have contact with Callie. Brandon’s defense is that he wanted to make sure she was okay. Lena hands Brandon the piece of paper from Ed and it is a prophecy! It says this show will spiral downward if they continue to pursue this Brandon/Callie love story! Actually, no. It’s a restraining order.

Now it is finally illegal for this frustratingly melodramatic love story to continue.

Digression 1: Laws vary from state to state but I find it difficult to believe that the court would issue a restraining order against Brandon for simply showing up at the group home. I worked in Adult Protection for years and failed to get restraining orders in situations where there were serious threats of violence. That said, some facilities can “trespass” a person from the premises. Did this bug anyone else?

After Brandon storms out, Lena says, “It’s hard.” and Stef says, “That’s why it’s called tough love.” Then Lena says, “I forgot how tough you look in uniform.” Stef tilts here head and makes sexy eyes at Lena and they smooch a couple of times and then Stef takes her hair down and Lena takes her hand and says, “Let’s put those cuffs to use.” No, that didn’t happen. It’s Stef’s first day back on the job and Lena asks her to call over lunch and Stef says she will and gives a wink as she saunters out the door. Stef is a good winker.

Callie is outside washing out trash cans with Daphne. Daphne tells her she’s lucky the consequences for her kiss and spin with Brandon weren’t worse. After Daphne goes inside, Callie goes to a rusty metal box attached to the house and finds a phone hidden inside and that phone has a text from Brandon that says, “Text me – 911.” Brandon clearly doesn’t understand what “no contact” means.

Jesus runs on the beach and passes Emma from the wrestling team. She is very perky and touches him a lot and she annoys me but probably because I’m tired.

Digression 2: I couldn’t sleep last night because my cat slept right against my legs and I couldn’t turn over and I would have thrown her off the bed but cats weight about 623 pounds when they are asleep. So, I am mad at my cat and projecting those feelings onto Emma the Perky Wrestler.

Jesus tells Emma he stopped taking his ADHD meds and is trying to be more active and eliminate dyes and processed foods from his diet. Wide-eyed, perky Emma thinks that’s so fantastic that she has to touch him some more!

At the police station, a grumpy old man tells Stef he has never had a female partner before and I can only assume he means at work. Stef talks to Captain Roberts and asks when Mike will be cleared for work and the Captain says soon. Stef then asks if she has to work with that “sexist dinosaur” and I don’t think she’s talking about Barney.

Kelsey is late to work on costumes because she got into a “twitter war.” Can someone sew Kelsey’s mouth shut? Chase asks Mariana if his pants are too short. Considering he looks like a Ken doll in capri pants, I’d say they are. Mariana says she will do fancy sewing things to them and he drops his pants to give them to her and she drools while he asks her to run lines with him after school and she says she will and Kelsey is mad.

These pants are too short? How about I just don’t wear any pants at all?

Digression 3: My thought bubble during this scene would have been: “Wow. His thighs are really thick and those briefs are unflattering. He needs better briefs.” That’s right — I was redressing him in my mind. I’m definitely gay.

Jude has lunch with his friend who invites him to see some movie. A sci-fi movie? Something with stars? I zoned out for a moment. Jude says he may not be around and  asks for the kid’s leftover cheese. What does he want with a tiny packet of cheese? Does he have a pet rat named Ben? Is he going to run away? Don’t run, Judicorn! Lena’s having lunch in her office and Stef hasn’t called and she is staring into the ether. The English Teacher enters with a box of Kindle Paperwhites and they proceed to discuss the Kindle Paperwhite and all the ways the kids can use the Kindle Paperwhite to do their homework and Lena wants a Kindle Paperwhite and The English Teacher says she can’t have a Kindle Paperwhite. Subtle product placement, this is not.

Digression 4: I bought one earlier this year and then, right before Christmas, I lost it. I looked through the house and car and called the last place I remembered having it and nothing. I was very sad and Luisa didn’t want me to be sad, so, she bought me a new one and had is overnighted and it arrived Christmas Eve night. I opened it on Christmas and nearly cried. On New Year’s Day, Luisa dropped the lost Kindle in my lap. I said, “I looked everywhere!” and she said, “Obviously not in the glove compartment.” I now have two Kindle Paperwhites but not because of The Fosters’ Kindle Paperwhite Commercial.

Lena tells him that she’s worried about Stef returning to work but it didn’t take an e-reader to notice that.

Mariana is working with the dorky theater guy but the sewing machine is broken. They bond over that and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. Kelsey interrupts and tells Mariana that “running lines” is code for hooking up and then lays a guilt trip on her about selling her the drugs.

Rita and the group home kids are at a botanical garden and some woman is talking about a fly orchid and pheromones and plant sex and someone cracks a joke and Rita is not impressed with the sexual jokes. Wassup with that? She will tell them she smoked dope but she can’t handle a sex joke? Callie darts into a pagoda and looks around and then Brandon shows up and says, “Excuse me, miss, would you like to see my bonsai tree?” I practice deep breathing so that I can get through the rest of this episode because Brandon is trying my patience. Brandon and Callie kiss again.

There’s no crying in baseball! Or on field trips…

Meanwhile, Rita and the gang are listening to a detailed summary of the types of koi in the koi pond. Rita notices Callie is gone and calls her name and sounds just like Doris Murphy from A League of Their Own. I half expected Madonna to show up with her cane. Brandon suggests Callie become emancipated and I shout, “From you? Yes, I approve!” but he means legally. She asks about Jude and Brandon says he’s okay and then they kiss again and they get caught! By Daphne who thinks they are as stupid as I do and yells at Brandon to go. He barely escapes before Rita shows up.

Mariana apologizes to Kelsey about agreeing to run lines with Chase and Kelsey says she is sorry too. They agree that they don’t want to a boy to come between them. So, when Mariana sees Chase, she tells him she can’t run lines with him but Kelsey says she’s available. I wish Perky Emma the Wrestler would have shown up and thrown Kelsey on the ground and stomped on her.

Back at the Land of Koi, Cole waits in line for the men’s restroom and some woman says he should use the women’s because it’s too confusing for the younger children. Cole tells her she is confused and to mind her own business. Security arrives and asks if there’s a problem and Cole says he has a right to use the bathroom. The security guy grabs Cole and Cole pushes him and then there is a scuffle and a bystander gets pushed and calls Cole a freak and then Kiara pushes him against the wall and then Rita breaks it up.

Digression 5: There is no way they all walk away from that fight without someone being detained or arrested. No way.

Stef and the dinosaur turn a street kid over to his probation officer and the dinosaur says that it’s harder to straighten the kids out as they get older. He says it’s also hard to drive a car with tiny dinosaur arms. Stef says, “Not if someone fights for them.” The kids, not the dinosaur arms.

At the Anchor Beach School for Backstabbers, Mariana and Kelsey bicker in English class. As they are leaving, The English Teacher (whose name is Timothy – I looked it up) tells Kelsey she has detention.

This may not be a math class, but Mariana still knows how to get even.

At wrestling practice, Perky Emma gives Jesus tips before his match. Ankle pick? Toe pick? Triple lutz? He still gets his ass handed to him.

Timothy the Troublemaker runs up to Lena in the hallway and tells her there was a police chase that ended in shots fired. Timothy! Why would you do that! You should be telling her to watch videos of penguins slipping on ice! Lena tries to call Stef and there’s still no answer.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Mike is in the driveway working on the car when Brandon comes home to sulk. He asks Brandon to help but Brandon is too busy maintaining his generally disagreeable attitude. Brandon then confronts Mike about his drinking at the quiceañera and Mike says he’s sorry. Brandon yells at him about drinking before the audition and Mike says he’s sorry. Brandon yells about all the drinking during his childhood and after the divorce and Mike says he doesn’t remember it. Brandon calls him a drunk and storms off.

The dorky theater guy gets the sewing machine working and proudly shows Mariana who complains about Kelsey and is blind to the dorky guy’s crush on her. Mariana sees Chase and tells him she can run lines with him after all.

Back at wrestling practice, Perky Emma of the Ankle Picks offers Jesus a cookie — an organic cookie with no dyes. Maybe she has lesbian moms too. She invites him to run with her and he says he has a girlfriend. Please Jesus. We all know where this is going. Then, it’s time for the Tunnel of Love which is a wrestling rite of passage. Everyone lines up and claps and Jesus runs through and gets punched in the face at the end. I’m glad I never rode that ride at the fair.

Tunnel of love? More like tunnel of hazing.

Meanwhile, Lena sits in her office fretting in the shadows and Stef finally calls. She left her phone at the precinct and is clueless about Lena’s anxiety. The conversation is awkward and Stef says, “I love you, babe” but Lena doesn’t say it back! Add this to the things I don’t like about this episode. As Lena sits there pensively, Jesus shows up with his black eye and Lena adds that to the things she doesn’t like about her life. She drags Jesus along as she berates the wrestling coach in front of everyone.

As Lena embarrasses Jesus, Mariana runs lines with Chase and they kiss while the dorky guy and Kelsey look on. Hell hath no fury like a Kelsey scorned.

Back at A Group Home of Our Own, Doris Murphy leads the kids in a rousing rendition of Take Me Out To The Ball Game as they process the altercation on the field trip. Cole says he has rights and Kiara says he is always having “Trantrums” and Gabby calls him a girl and demeans him and then says he’s angry. Callie takes up for Cole and tells them they want Cole to make it easier for them but that, sometimes, what’s right isn’t easy which is funny coming from Callie. Everyone must look so tiny from atop her high horse.

Digression 6: I know that everyone at the group home has issues but Cole does seem really angry and I wish there was more depth to his character.

Lena and Jesus arrive home and he’s upset about her embarrassing him in front of the team. He goes upstairs and yells “Ants!” Lena comes up to inspect and there is a trail of ants leading under Jude’s bed where they are having an ant party, feasting on cheese and all the other food that Jude’s been hoarding and hiding.

Digression 7: I hate bugs when they are in gangs. Once, I went into a client’s home and roaches were streaming out of the smoke alarm and, when she sat on her bed, they came out of the mattress. I will never be the same. Oh, and now you won’t be either. Sorry.

Stef shows up at the group home. Where’s the tough love now, Stef? Rita answers and tells her she can’t see Callie and assures her she’s in good hands. Callie sees Stef as she’s getting into the car so at least Callie knows that Stef cares.

Lena tells Jude he can’t hoard food and he can have all the food he wants. Basically, he’s afraid that he’ll be taken out of their home. Lena says she can relate because she felt a loss of control when she got the call about Stef being shot. She says, “You can’t live your life in fear of what might happen.” She tells Jude he’s safe with them.

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Take the snack food out of your bedroom…

Back at school, Kelsey meets with the principal and tells her that Mariana is a thieving drug pusher.

At the group home, Cole thanks Callie for her words in group. In line for the bathroom, Daphne tells Callie she’s moving into her own apartment in two weeks and hopes to graduate from high school and get her daughter back. You can see the gears moving in Callie’s head. Someone tell me that they are not going to have Callie move out on her own and continue this Brandon/Callie romance.

Mariana is ironing and Lena and Stef confront her about the stolen hat and tell her she’s been suspended.

Callie sneaks out of the house to peek at the phone in the electric box and Cole catches her. He asks her to turn it over to him and says he’ll ditch it.

Brandon is sulking. Again. Mike sits on his bed and Brandon apologizes to him. Mike tells him the restraining order is for the best and he knows what it’s like to not be able to be with the person you love. Brandon says he knows Stef broke his heart and Mike says, “You’re the love of my life, dummy!” But it’s sweet and I’m liking Mike these days which makes sense because it’s upside down days on this show. Everyone you loved, you now hate! Everyone you hated, you now love! Mike gives him a big wad of money to pay his piano teacher and I know that money’s not going to the old piano geezer and, sure enough, Brandon calls and quits piano right after Mike leaves the room.

It’s bedtime for Stef and Lena who are remarkably calm given that 1 daughter is in a group home and lost her privileges, 1 son is a stalker, 1 son is hoarding food, 1 daughter is suspended from school and 1 son got punched in the face. They’re all “La di da…let’s moisturize and read and get into our craftmatic adjustable beds.” Stef is up and Lena is down. Then, Stef is down and Lena is up. This is what they mean by Lesbian Bed Death.

It’s like the Lesbian Brady Bunch, minus the constant cheerfulness.

Brandon texts Callie, “When can I see you again?” We see Cole with Callie’s phone and he answers, “This is over. We’re done.”

Digression 8: I like the idea of Cole’s character but the actor was weak in this episode. It’s unclear to me from the scene whether Cole is trying to protect Callie or has some other motives. His facial expression confused me. If he is trying to protect her, I don’t like that, once again, a guy is stepping in to do what he thinks is best for her.

Overall Impression: I wish they didn’t cram so many issues into a single episode and took their time exploring some of these themes in more depth.

Best Line: Mike wins with “You are the love of my life, dummy!”

Best Text From Deborah: “I would have liked to hear more about insects humping plants.”

Bonus: It looks like many of you are getting your wish for a spin-off. Kind of. There will be a web series titled “Girls United” about the group home kids and their backstories. In the articles I read, however, it doesn’t seem that Cole will appear in the series.

“The Fosters” Episode 112 Recap: Callie Takes An R Family Vacation

This episode opens with Callie walking behind bars in a scene reminiscent of the first scene of the first episode. Callie is wearing a blue jumpsuit and looking very Blue Is The New Black. She meets with her new probation officer who asks her who, what, when, where, and finally why? She tells him that she can’t go back to the Fosters but doesn’t tell him that she can’t go back because she kissed a moody toad and now worries about the repercussions. She just says she wants the Fosters to adopt her brother. She says, “So, just tell them…” and Ed the Probation Officer says, “To give up on you?” and there is the theme for this episode.

Next, we see the rest of the Foster family in the Great Lesbian Kitchen eating in silence. Stef announces that she’s going back to work and Mariana asks, “Are you scared?” and Stef says, “No. Are you?” and Mariana says, “A little.” They start talking about jobs that are more dangerous than being a cop, like logging and crab fisherman. Is crab fisherman really a thing? That’s a very cumbersome name for a profession. I vote it be changed to “crabber.” All in favor say “Aye!” Jude breaks into the conversation to say what no one is saying but everyone is thinking, “What’s going to happen to Callie?” They mention that Callie has court and we learn that Callie doesn’t want them there and Brandon has all sorts of misplaced outrage and then someone says “Unless you don’t want her.” Then, Mariana says, “Of course we want her!” Can we take a moment and appreciate how far Mariana has come? She was one of the most self-absorbed and selfish characters on this show and now look at her! I could have never predicted that Mariana would become my favorite but she is. All the jelly bellies for Mariana.

Stef says she isn’t sure that Callie wants them. Brandon blurts out, “She ran away because I kissed her!” Stef turns and gives him a stare that would put Godzilla in his place.

Lasers? Daggers? Ice? Stef’s angry glare is not messing around.

Digression 1: I wanted to make a reference to laser eyes but it turns out that Godzilla did not, in fact, shoot lasers from his eyes. Further research on the Godzilla monsters showed that Mechagodzilla, Battra, and M.O.G.U.E.R.A were the only monsters able to shoot lasers from their eyes. Godzilla’s powers were atomic blasts and regeneration. I am a serious writer.

Stef, Lena and Brandon take it outside and Stef is not happy. She asks a bunch of questions in a RAWR voice and Lena tries to remain calm and asks Brandon if Callie left because she didn’t feel safe and he said she left because Jude saw them kiss and Callie didn’t want it to jeopardize the adoption. Brandon says he is sorry and I don’t think he means it and Stef says, “Sorry doesn’t hack it!” No, it really doesn’t but Stef’s hair is really cute all messy and Lena’s hair is perfect and they are cute. Sorry – lost focus for a second.

Brandon goes to his room where Jesus and Mariana are waiting with crossed arms and unfriendly faces. Mariana says, “Are you so horny you can’t keep your hands off our foster-sister?” Brandon is annoyed and says Callie kissed him too and Mariana compares him to Liam and Brandon says, “Screw you!” and Mariana says, “I’m surprised you haven’t tried!” I say, “Damn Mariana!” and Jesus says, “Gross.” Brandon tells Mariana he wouldn’t expect her to understand because she’s never had a boyfriend thus introducing  the second theme for tonight’s episode. Mariana stomps out and Brandon appeals to Jesus and the bro code and Jesus is all “Nope.”

Meanwhile, Stef and Lena are trying to figure out where they went wrong and why their children are lying, sneaking thieves!

Digression 2: My partner asked our son to change the pillow case on his bed and he said, “Okay but what do I do with all the candy wrappers?” Kids are all lying, sneaking thieves and sometimes their breath smells like chocolate.

Jude joins Stef and Lena and they tell him they love him and that they are not going to give up on us, even if the skies get rough.

Callie walks into the courtroom and looks around but there is a serious lack of Adams Fosters in the house. Callie stands to face the judge and her probation officer says her foster mothers would like to speak on her behalf and Callie is surprised and we are surprised because they were standing right behind Ed the whole time! Curse you and your big noggin, Ed! Stef gives an impassioned plea for Callie to receive a second chance and there are teary eyes all around and then Stef says, “We are not prepared to bring her back into our home at this time.”

Sad eyes, angry eyes, it’s quite the day for emotional facial expressions.

At the school for surfer babies, Mariana sits at a table alone and takes her fancy plastic lunch container out of dumb paper bag. Why doesn’t she have a reusable lunch bag? What kind of family are these lesbians running?

Digression 3: I recently discovered that you can put a 1/2 cup of popcorn in a regular ol’ paper bag and put it in the microwave for 1 to 2 minutes and make microwave popcorn that is easy and doesn’t taste like chemicals. So, I do have paper bags in my house but only for popcorn purposes. My kids have reusable lunch boxes like the Earth Goddess would want.

A traditionally attractive young man approaches her table and she bats her eyes and he introduces himself and I had to rewatch the scene four times because I wasn’t sure if his name was Chase or Jase. It’s Chase. He invites Mariana to a meeting for the theater crew and I invite her to consider the real possibility that this will not end in the way she wishes.

Brandon and Talya are reading lines from The Glass Menagerie and Brandon is having trouble concentrating because he needs more fiber in his diet. There is no other explanation for his facial expressions lately. Broody Brandon tells Talya they have to break up and Talya asks if it’s because of Callie and he says it is. Talya tears up and is not a bitch about the whole thing and tells him that he’s going to get hurt. Talya has grown almost as much as Mariana.

Hooray for character growth. Not hooray for Brandon.

We then head to the theater department and we know that it’s the theater because of all the mirrors surrounded by big, round lightbulbs. A cute dorky guy in a boldly patterned shirt greets Mariana but she only has eyes for Chase Jase. Chase Jase uses totes a lot but not in the way that is funny but that doesn’t stop Mariana from volunteering to do costumes. Then, Kelsey volunteers to help. Remember Kelsey? The girl with the Skittle addiction who went to rehab? It is clear that she has not gone to the same finishing school as Mariana and Talya because she is still awful. 

Brandon arrives home and Mike is working on a car in the Adams Fosters’ driveway. Does Mike live there now? Like maybe in his car? Brandon goes inside while Mike and Jesus play basketball. Stef and Lena are putting away their groceries and we see that they do use cloth bags – thank the goddess! Brandon wants to know if Callie came home with them because he is stupid. They tell him Callie is going to a group home to learn coping skills and Brandon gets mad or is dismayed they didn’t buy Activia. Hard to tell. He yells, “We’re in love!” Seriously.  He is my least favorite Brandon and I know other Brandons – like Brandon Walsh.

Digression 4: I always tell my daughter, Zeca, that she’s my favorite Zeca and she says I don’t know any other Zecas which is true. So, I felt the need to clarify.

Callie arrives at the group home which is run by Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie/Rita introduces Callie to the other people who live in the house and they file past Callie like the most diverse yet sullen receiving line you’ll ever encounter. Then, they all sit in a group and talk about the things they’ve done to land them there. There are so many of them! Do I really need to keep track of them? Of note: Kiara, the brick-throwing, former gang member who will be Callie’s roommate, Cole, the former sex worker and trans guy, and Daphne, who has definitely not been riding around in the Green Machine solving mysteries with Velma and the gang.  

Jesus and Mike are still playing basketball and Stef is refereeing. Mariana comes out to tell them dinner is ready just as Jesus grabs his chest and falls to the ground. Stef tells Mariana to “Go get Lena!” What the hell, Stef? During a medical emergency, who yells, “Go get the high school principal!”? Mike and Stef are cops. Shouldn’t they know basic medical things or at least have the good sense to call 911? Thank goodness they called Lena because she prescribed a glass of water and Jesus is just fine. Apparently, the heart palpitations were a side-effect of a med increase. We then get a PSA about the use of stimulants to treat ADHD. Jesus doesn’t want to take meds and Mike is there to meddle so he suggests the kid just needs a physical activity and suggests wrestling.

There’s a medical emergency? Quick, call the principal!

Digression 5: Why does Mike get a say in this decision? Also, this whole scene felt very, “What this young man needs is a sport! That’ll solve all his problems just like it solved mine when I was his age! Because we are men and must do man things in order to get out all our manliness!” As the parent of a boy with ADHD, this whole scene just irritated me.

Back at Rosie’s Place, Cole asks Callie to clean the kitchen counter again and Becca calls him “Nicole” and Cole identifies himself as trans and Becca says, “You’re a girl.” I want Becca out now. She can live with Kelsey. Kiara takes up for Cole, cementing her place in my heart. Then, Daphne comes in and she and Callie take the trash out and Daphne explains how you compost Scooby Snacks. Callie is being cold and Daphne says, “You know me?” Callie says, “You wanna take another crack at my face?” I did not remember Daphne but she was the girl who beat Callie up in juvie in the first episode. Daphne says she’s changed and Callie refuses the olive branch because she must really hate Daphne and olives.

Brandon, Prince of Pout, is listening to loud music on his headphones which means “anger” and “heartbreak.” Mike comes in and tells him he understands but he’ll get over it. Mike has become the Professor Binns of The Charming Craftsman, floating about and boring everyone with his wisdom.

Broody Brandon and Mundane Mike would be the best worst superhero team ever.

Callie and Kiara are getting to know each other and Kiara tells Callie that this group home is better than her last one. She said, “I broke this girl’s nose. I mean, I like didn’t mean to. She was on the ground and I was kicking her.” Game, set, match – Kiara won that scene and I didn’t pay attention to anything else that happened.

Mariana is reading in bed and Jude comes into the room and stares longingly at Callie’s bed. Mariana says, “I know it’s kinda silly but I’ve been kind of scared sleeping alone since Callie left. Do you, would you want to sleep in here tonight?” You know how I have a slightly cynical edge when I watch this show? Well, I cried and my tears dulled that edge for a few moments.

The next day, Mariana and Kelsey go shopping for costumes and Kelsey wants to buy this expensive fedora for Chase Jase so that she can sleep with him before the end of the production. Fedoras are the quickest way to a person’s bed/heart. Of course, we already knew that. Mariana says it’s too expensive. Kelsey asks about Laura’s vibe in The Glass Menagerie and Mariana basically says a crippled virgin and my Magic 8 ball says “Outlook not so good.” Kelsey finds a dress and tells Mariana to try it on because she too is a crippled virgin. While Mariana is trying on the dress, Kelsey stuffs the expensive fedora of teenage seduction into Mariana’s backpack. I start having heart palpitations which must mean that I need to wrestle.

This dress will bring all the boys to the yard? Come on, Kelsey.

At the Eastland School for Bad Girls, Mrs. Garret is talking to Jo, Blair, Tootie and the gang. They each share stories about the horrible things that have happened to them and talk about addiction. The discussion implies that every person is addicted to something – drugs, food, love. It’s a really sad scene and I don’t want to recap it…

Digression 6: …but I do want to digress about it. I take issue with the idea that every person is addicted to something. As someone who worked in the field of social work for 15 years, I think it’s a misuse of the word. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

The point of the scene is that Callie tells them what happened and how she ended up there which sets up the next scene in which Stef tells Jude that he can visit Callie the following day.

We then dash back to Eastland and Becca is in Callie’s room heckling her and calling her a selfish bitch. Becca is the girl who said that she had been shooting drugs into her neck. My friend and fellow Real Lesbian Housewife of the Internet, Deborah Goldstein, and I discussed this at length and were both like, “Aren’t you supposed to do that between your toes?” Callie goes to the bathroom and walks in on Cole who is binding and he panics and screams at Callie to get out. She stands there and Cole pushes her and then Callie pushes Cole and he falls backwards through the glass shower door and I know Mrs. Garrett is going to find out about this.

No privileges for you meddling kids.

Yep. In the next scene, Jude is sitting on his bed all dressed up to see Callie and Stef and Lena tell him that she lost her privileges and can’t have visitors. They offer to do something special with him but he just wants to stay home and do homework. Poor Jude. He doesn’t even know how to milk a situation.

Digression 7: I was transfixed by the length of Jude’s tie. It extended past the waistband of his pants. When I spoke with Deborah, she also wondered what was up with his tie. Is it Brandon’s? Mike’s? Something that belonged to someone from his past? I have never had a problem finding ties of proper length for my children but Deborah has so I guess I need to check my tie length privilege.

In the dungeon of lighted mirrors and costumes, Mariana confronts Kelsey about the fedora in the backpack. That would make a great title for a queer teen romance novel, “The Fedora in the Backpack.” Anyway, as they argue, Chase Jase comes up and is like, “OMG! Totes cute hat!” He tells Mariana she is a genius and suddenly she’s not as righteously angry about Kelsey’s dastardly deed.

Mike and Jesus are at the wrestling arena stadium field and there are many guys in tight shorts and shirts and one lone girl. The coach tells the wrestlers to show Jesus a few moves. Jesus gets on all fours. I‘m surprised. I would have expected the missionary position. Ba dum bum. Then, the coach calls on Emma to wrestle with him and she predictably smashes him into the mat. The best part, however, is she gets up, pats him on the butt and says, “Nice effort.” Good one, Emma.

In the final scene, Callie stares out the window lost in thought. She stares out windows a lot, doesn’t she? Mrs. Garrett gives her a speech about ice cream and consequences and then leaves her to her staring. Callie then sees Brandon standing across the street. She runs downstairs and out of the house and into his arms as appropriately emotional music plays. The episode ends with Mrs. Garrett, Cole and the girls all watching Callie and Brandon spin in each other’s arms.

“All of our angsty teenage stares have finally paid off!”

Overall Impression: Sad and heavy-handed with warm winds coming out of the east courtesy of Kiara and Mariana.

Best Line: Kiara wins with “I broke this girl’s nose. I mean, I like didn’t mean to. She was on the ground and I was kicking her.” I loved it because it was the only bit of humor in the episode.

Really? Did they have to do that?: Brandon and Callie and the usual.

“The Fosters” Episode 111 Recap: Where In The World Is Callie Sandiego?

The episode begins with a recap of the previous 10 episodes: Callie and Jude moved in with the Fosters. Mariana and Jesus had issues with their birth mom. Callie, Brandon and Wyatt triangulated. Stef got shot and then proposed to Lena and then they got married, Callie and Brandon kissed and Jude witnessed it and went all Don Corleone on Callie. Callie ran away to Indiana.

I’d also like to do a recap of my 10 recaps: I was funny and charming and people liked my digressions and then everyone got mad at me for wanting more hot lesbian mom sex.

And here we are again, watchers of The Fosters!

Oh, what a beautiful morning…

The show opens with Stef and Lena in bed and I love the color of their sheets and the way Lena’s arm is draped over Stef and I feel all warm and fuzzy but it could be the herbal tea and the hoodie. They exchange greetings by saying to each other, “Good morning, Mrs. Adams-Foster.” Kinda cute until Stef says, “No hyphen,” like she knew I hyphenated it in my mind. Whatever, Stef. Put on your uniform so you look the part of the grammar police.

Digression 1: Stef and Lena are lucky they live in the TV because their names go really well together. That’s rare in the real world which is why my partner and I did not wake up the day after out wedding and say, “Good morning Mrs. Reich-Brandão.” Instead, we said, “Did you hear that? I think the kids are up and screaming about donuts.”

Stef and Lena snuggle and Lena kisses Stef’s bare shoulders and I can definitely appreciate shoulder kisses. Stef suggests some real kisses and Lena says, “Come here, woman!” and Stef says, “I love it when you call me ‘woman’.” Lena springs from the bed in a tunic made from saber-toothed tigers and drags Lena back to her cave for roasted mammoth and a make-out session.

Downstairs, someone’s in the kitchen with Annie. Someone’s in the kitchen, I know. Annie Potts is back and organizing and cooking and grandmothering and I love her and want her to stay forever. All the kids are there but Callie. Brandon asks Jude where Callie is and he says that she’s at her guitar lesson. Obviously, nobody knows that she’s taking guitar lessons in Indiana. The kids are eating pancakes and they are using Aunt Jemima syrup and I call foul! I have never been to a lesbian household that doesn’t serve natural maple syrup from free-range grass-fed maple trees.

This is my ‘not amused by your syrup choices’ face.

Digression 2: Last weekend, we were at a friends’ cabin and we forgot our natural grass-fed syrup and there was a real, live bottle of Aunt Jemima there. My daughter put it on her pancakes reluctantly and then said, “Mom, it doesn’t taste right. It tastes like chemicals.” And this is how lesbians will take over the world by a pancake syrup uprising. Power to the maple!

While I focus on maple syrup, there is a lot of talk of tables and glasses and Mariana and Jesus are fighting over who gets to spend time with Lexi and this is a love triangle that I can get behind! Stef and Lena enter the fray and Stef’s hair looks completely different than when she went to bed a few months ago. Mike comes in and then there is more talk about tables and glasses and loading and unloading cars and why does it get so much screen time? Why am I recapping it? Annie Potts who I will now call by her character name, Sharon, chooses this time to question Stef about the adoption because moms are good at asking “What they hell are you doing with your life?!” at the most inopportune times.

Next, we see Wyatt putting gas in his car at a gas station with a lovely mountainous backdrop. I would visit that gas station just for the view. Of course, I live in the tundra and my view consists of the ice dam on my neighbor’s roof so I can’t be trusted. Callie comes out with a plastic bag and I yell, “I hope you got jelly bellies!”

Digression 3: Here is a parenting pro tip. Always take a bag of jelly bellies on road trips. Dole out 6 to 8 jelly bellies to the children every half hour or so. Force them to identify the flavors. This makes them slow down and taste them and also gives them something to do. Added bonus: you get first pick and can keep your favorite flavors and give the kids the icky ones because they have unsophisticated palates.

As Callie tries to get into the car, Wyatt pulls slightly forward and oh my god – I hate that game! He finally tells her that he won’t let her in unless she tells him why she ran away. She gets in and tells him, “It wasn’t working out.” Wyatt asks, “Did you do something bad?” and she says, “Maybe.” Oh, Callie. I want to give you a hug and hand you some jelly bellies and I wouldn’t even stick you with the popcorn flavored ones.

Brandon and Jude are in the Great Lesbian Kitchen with a bunch of napkins – cloth, not feminine. Brandon says things at the wedding got “weird” and he wants to know if Jude is doing okay and Jude says, “No, you just want to know if I’m going to tell.” Brandon is all, “I don’t know what you’re are talking about and my furrowed brow should be conveying genuine concern for you right now.” Jude tells Brandon that he’s just like Liam and Brandon gets mad and yells, “I love Callie!” I asked recappers to rate Brandon’s current likeability and one out of one recappers rated it at Gross%.

Cue the opening montage and theme song and artfully arranged colored pencils!

Sharon bought Stef and Lena a craftmatic adjustable bed. She’s paying the delivery guy with money from her bra when Jude enters. She says, “If Sleeping Beauty had this bed, I don’t even think she’d have wanted that prince to wake her up.” She tells Jude that she is dating a guy just because she likes his bed and Jude suggests that she ditch the guy and buy her own bed and then they pose for a #365feministselfie and post it to instagram. After their heart to heart, they start playing with the bed and Jude lifts the head and foot on his side and says, “Look! I’m a taco.” And I laugh because “taco.”

#tacogram

Lexi and Mariana are working on a school project together and Jesus comes in and asks to hang with Lexi and Marianna gets cranky and jealous. Mariana then challenges Jesus to a duel at high noon. Her weapon of choice? Finely sculpted eyebrows and deeply cutting sighs.

Then, we cut to a close-up of a lizard. The lizard gets more screentime than Stef and Lena have so far. Wyatt and Callie wander around an alien crash site in the mountains. I know this because of the many signs that say, “Alien Crash Site.” They talk about aliens and ghosts and time travel and get giant green snow cones from a food truck that also sells stuffed aliens – plush, not real. True alien taxidermy is a lost art. As much as I love snow cones, buying one instead of a stuffed alien is a poor life choice. You can’t cuddle a snow cone, kids.

You can’t cuddle a lizard either.

Digression 4: Snow cone or sno cone? Discuss.

Wyatt thinks that Callie would be good at time travel because she wouldn’t mess everything up and Callie says, “I wreak havoc wherever I go.” See? She needs a cuddle.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Jude sees Callie’s guitar in the living room and you can see the lightbulb go on above his head – not literally because the lighting in that living room is always dreadful. He runs to her room and sees that all her stuff is gone. He turns to Mariana, Lexi and Jesus and says, “She ran away.” Cue the Law and Order music.

The family is gathered around the kitchen table and on that kitchen table is Callie’s guitar. The guitar is just laying there like Exhibit A from a badly organized murder mystery dinner party. Stef says, “No one knows anything?” Nope. Stef and Lena bicker about calling Callie’s probation officer. Jude then says he’s worried about Callie going back to juvie and I say, “Well, you should have thought about that before you went all mafia boss on her!”

Wyatt made Callie an offer she couldn’t refuse.

How My Motherhood Made My Mother Accept My Lesbianism

Motrin^®‘s mission is to create solutions that stop pain from stopping you. Motrin^® does this by effectively treating at the source of pain, allowing you to stay extraordinary and granting “unstoppable power.” Also unstoppably powerful? Moms. Of course around here, when we talk about Moms we’re talking about queer Moms. Lesbian Moms face unique challenges on the road to extraordinariness, and thus Autostraddle and Motrin^® are proud to bring you “True Stories of Unstoppably Extraordinary Lesbian Moms,” an essay series featuring some of our favorite “mommy bloggers” telling stories of challenges faced and tackled.

Our second piece in this series is from Vikki Reich, Managing Editor for VillageQ, a site that gives voice to the experience of LGBTQ parents.

I came out to my mother when I was 20 and it didn’t go as I had expected. Meaning, she did not say “I have suspected this for years and I still love you.” It went more like a Scared Straight kind of thing but instead of scaring me about drugs and a life of crime, she wanted to scare me straight, straight. “Just Say No to Lesbianism” straight.

“Have you ever seen a lesbian, Vikki?”

I was about to answer but it turned out to be a rhetorical question.

“There’s a lesbian that lives down the road and she wears overalls and drives a tractor. You cannot be a lesbian.”

Given my aversion to hard labor and dirt, I could see why my mother couldn’t picture me as a tractor-driving lesbian, so I tried to explain that there were other kinds of lesbians. But she wouldn’t listen.

See, we lived in a small town in Southern Missouri called Climax Springs (ironic, really) and in Climax Springs, there was only one kind of lesbian and that lesbian was a farmer, and since my mother deemed me incapable of farming, clearly I was not a lesbian.

If there was a “Scared Straight Straight” manual, my mother skipped right to the last chapter and threatened to disown me. “When you walk out of this house at the end of the summer, you will no longer be my daughter.” I suggested that perhaps I should spend my summer vacation somewhere else and she said, “No. We’ll suffer through these last three months and then say our goodbyes.” It was the making of the worst “What I Did On Summer Vacation” essay ever.

The days passed and we barely spoke to each other, each of us biding our time until the summer would end and I could return to Grinnell College which churned out lesbians at a delightful rate.

Then one morning, I came out of my bedroom where I’d been hiding – playing the guitar and pining for my girlfriend who was in Vermont – and my mom announced that she’d be digging up the septic tank “by hand” and thought maybe I could help her.

My first thought was that no one digs up their septic tank by hand so I told her that she should hire somebody with an appropriately large piece of machinery to come do it. She explained that the ground was too soft to get a backhoe down there and I took her word for it because I didn’t know what a backhoe was and then declined her invitation.

Instead, I watched her from the upstairs window as she sat herself on the ground with her small spade and set to digging up the earth. She’d had a triple bypass the summer before and I noticed that her shovel-wielding strength wasn’t what it had been in the days of old. So I stewed in my own anger and frustration for a few minutes before finally storming outside, announcing “This is completely ridiculous!” and then grabbing a shovel from the garage and joining her Septic Tank Digging Project.

We dug and we dug and before long a funny thing started happening — we began to talk. We talked tentatively at first – about the dirt and the rocks and the blisters forming on our hands – and then we talked more openly – about how she felt weak, about aging, about my friends at school and then she asked about “the girl”. There were no big revelations, just simple conversation and some laughs. We dug, we took breaks, we drank cheap beer that went down like water, dug some more, talked a little, and then dug some more until all the digging had been done.

When we finally stopped towards the end of the day, we each opened another beer sat on the patio. I looked at my mom and she nodded her head towards the front yard. There was an enormous hole in the yard and I realized that we had, much to my surprise, dug up the entire septic tank by hand. It took the entire day and a twelve pack of beer but we did it.

Then she said, “It’s going to take me some time.” She wasn’t talking about the septic tank, of course, she was talking about the one thing we hadn’t talked about all day — or ever, really. Acceptance would take time. I sipped my beer and said, “That’s ok.”

My mother didn’t disown me after all. I returned to college and she occasionally called to try another chapter from her Scared Straight Straight manual and I sighed a lot. She threatened to skip my graduation but she didn’t, instead she showed up and stood stiffly beside me in pictures. She told me she came to “keep up appearances” but I knew that even my lesbianism couldn’t overshadow the fact that I was the first woman in my family to graduate from college, and that she was proud of me for that.

Over the next few years, our relationship improved. She met my partner and she came to help us work on our first house and she settled into a quiet acceptance. But even though she’d given up trying to change my lady-loving ways, there was one thing on which she refused to budge: she was adamant that I not bring a child into my “lifestyle.” She argued that if we had a boy, he would never learn to pee standing up and, if we had a girl, we wouldn’t know how to do her hair.

Given arguments with such substantial merit, it’s amazing that we had the courage to persevere.

I took advantage of every opportunity to remind her that we were planning to have kids because I didn’t want her lulled into thinking that we had changed our minds.

If we were at a restaurant and saw a couple with a baby, I’d say, “We’re going to have a baby someday.”

If we were watching TV and a commercial for Pampers came on, I’d say, “We’re going to have a baby someday.”

When I ran across a candy conversation heart that said “baby” on it, I told her about it and claimed it was a sign.

It became a game – “Ways to Remind Mom We Intend to Have Kids,” which was a lot like a competitive family game show but heavy on the “feud” part and light on the cheering.

Each time I brought it up, she’d simply purse her lips, close her eyes and shake her head. When I finally did get pregnant, I called her up to share the good news.

“You remember two weeks ago when I said we were going to have kids?”
“Yes.”
“Well…I’m pregnant.”

She was absolutely silent – no sighing, no audible pursing of the lips. For a brief moment, I thought we’d lost our connection and was about to launch into the requisite and repeated “Hello?” when she finally responded.

“What do you want me to say?”

I suggested that most people go with “Congratulations” but she went a different direction – “You’re going to be a horrible mother.” I should have been hurt but maybe I’m a little broken because I just gave a short laugh at the irony of her words.

Over the next nine months, she made it clear that she believed what many people believe – living as an out lesbian is a choice and it shouldn’t be forced on children. I made it very clear that she was casting a shadow on my pregnancy glow.

She didn’t want to hear about my pregnancy and I didn’t want to hear about her bigotry so, for the last three months of my pregnancy, we talked only about the weather. We talked about the changing of the seasons, the humidity of summer, the state of my lawn, weeds and the success of her tomato plants. Our conversations had about as much emotional and personal flair as weather forecasts.

Then, in July of 2001, my son was born. Everyone talks about the magic of that moment, about looking into that innocent face and knowing you’d do anything for that little person. I’m sure I felt that but I also thought, “Oh my god! I don’t know how to do this!” followed a couple of days later by “They aren’t really going to let us take him home, are they?!”

I remember very little from the first week. It was all laughter, tears and breast milk. When my mother came to visit, I remember strapping my wobbly-headed baby into his car seat and driving from Minneapolis to her hotel in Burnsville, hoping the visit would be less painful than the name of the suburb implied. I had two thoughts – I hope the baby’s neck doesn’t snap and I hope I don’t cry when I see her.

I knocked and she ushered me in and immediately started unbuckling my son from his car seat. She sat on a chair, her elbows on her thighs and my son’s head in her cupped hands with his body running the length of her arms. She held him and just smiled. Her face was pure joy and something in that moment righted us both. Four years later, she held my newborn daughter the same way and she smiled that same smile and moved us forward once again.

After our children had been born, my mother never once mentioned the impact having two moms might have on them. She judged us for our fondness of tofu and our aversion to toys with lights and sounds and our reluctance to raise our voices but nothing more. Maybe she found my children irresistibly adorable. Maybe she got tired of arguing with me. Or maybe, she realized that we were just a couple of people raising a family.

There were, however, things about my life as a parent that I did not or could not share with my mother.

I didn’t tell her about the preschool teacher who responded to our daughter’s question, “Where’s my daddy?” with “He’s at work.” I didn’t tell her about meeting with the preschool administrator and the teacher, didn’t tell her that we donated several children’s books to the school – not just books about gay families but families raised by grandparents and single parents as well.

I didn’t tell her about the camp counselor who threatened to call my son’s father when he didn’t follow the rules. That time, we got away with an educational phone call.

My mother died at 72 when my kids were 7 and 3. She was already gone when my son got into a heated argument on the school playground after another kid used an anti-gay slur, when the marriage equality fight finally did arrive in Minnesota and I had to prepare my kids for what they might hear about families like ours.

It was better this way – better that I kept those struggles to myself, better that she never knew – because she was able to simply see me as a mother.

She watched me balance work and family. She looked on in amusement as we set limits with our children and doled out consequences when the kids ignored them. She watched us deal with sibling rivalry and playdates and soccer schedules and “Oh my god, would you just brush your teeth well the first time?!” and really, those are our primary struggles, the ones that consume our day-to-day. The political conflicts are big, of course, but we spend a lot more time dealing with homework than we do talking about DOMA.

One night, shortly before her death, I was talking to my mother on the phone and she said, “You have two great kids.” She was never one to give compliments and I must have been stunned because I didn’t respond with sarcasm or a joke to steer things into less vulnerable territory, “I don’t know, mom. I feel like I’m making so many mistakes.” I expected her to agree with me, to tell me that she always knew I wouldn’t be able to pull off this mothering thing but she said, “You are doing the best that you can. You are doing much better than I did.”

I needed to make peace with my mother and I did.

I’ve also had to make peace with myself.

Before having kids, I imagined I would be a perfect mother. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes my mother made. I would love my children unconditionally. I would never raise my voice or lose my patience. But raising hypothetical children is so much easier than raising actual children and I have made many mistakes, including some of the same ones my mother made.

There are only a few things about which I am certain but I know that, someday, our children will sit down with their friends, share a bottle of wine and malign us. They will tell stories about our quirks and their friends will laugh. They will list their grievances and their friends will shake their heads in sympathy.

Most of those stories will have little to do with the fact that we are lesbians. Though that defines us to the rest of the world, it doesn’t define us to our children.

We are just their parents.

We embarrass them at soccer games and school plays by cheering too loudly. We nag them about homework and brushing their unruly hair and making their beds. We argue with them about the appropriateness of movies and music. We raise our voices and lose our patience. We expect too much of them and are not always adept at hiding our disappointment.

Hopefully, they’ll eventually learn what I have – we’re all imperfect people just doing the best we can — but if you dig a little deeper, you might be surprised by what you find.

Vikki Reich writes about the intersection of contemporary lesbian life and parenthood at her personal blog Up Popped A Fox and is a Managing Editor for VillageQ, a site that gives voice to the experience of LGBTQ parents. She is also the co-director of Listen To Your Mother Twin Cities. In 2013, she completed the Foreword Writing Apprenticeship in Creative Nonfiction at the Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis and is a 2013 recipient of the Beyond the Pure Fellowship for writers.

Comments have been disabled for this post citing FDA standards. But you can always tweet her up!

“The Fosters” Episode 110 Recap: The One With the Lesbian Wedding

The final episode of The Fosters not Fisters opens in the Great Lesbian Kitchen where an episode of “Hoarders: Napkin Edition” seems to by playing out. There are hundreds of cloth napkins strewn about the table and the only reason I’m not completely distracted by the mismatched patterns is that Annie Potts is sitting there. You can’t just drop Annie Potts into a scene! She should have had an entrance, so I’m already bitter.

I’ve quit better jobs than this.

The family is folding napkins and polishing silver and Stef comes down carrying a box and Lena freaks out because she shouldn’t be carrying boxes. Then, they start talking about the impending nuptials and, if you say nuptials aloud enough times, you’ll realize it’s an absurd word and laugh.

You’re doing it right now, aren’t you? Me too.

Stef doesn’t get to handle Lena’s box until later in the episode.

Anyway, we learn that Lena’s dad got ordained on the internet, Stef’s dad has yet to RSVP and Stef thinks walking down the aisle is silly and being given away is silly and Stef really should stop talking and take a course in reading Lena’s non-verbals because yikes! “Silly” isn’t playing to this crowd.

Callie comes downstairs and Stef and Lena mention that they need to talk to her about Liam.

Later, in the hallowed halls of the Anchor Beach Charter School, Wyatt tells Callie that his family is moving to Indiana to live with his grandmother and Callie is stunned and they say their goodbyes and Wyatt kisses her on the cheek.

Digression 1: When someone says “Indiana,” I immediately start humming “Gary Indiana” from The Music Man and I don’t like that song so I’m not fond of Indiana though I do like Indiana Jones.

Wellllllll ya got trouble, my friends.

Meanwhile, Talya tells Brandon she doesn’t know what to get his moms for a wedding present.

Digression 2: I’m getting married soon and I would like Talya to get me a new pepper mill because my kids dropped ours and it’s cracked. Wait – a cracked pepper mill! That’s funny so never mind. I’ll keep it.

Brandon reluctantly agrees to go shopping with her and then sees Callie sitting alone looking pensive and says he’s going to talk to her. Talya is fine with that and suggests he invite her to go shopping with him and she seems genuinely nice and not at all evil. Brandon asks Callie what’s up and she tells him that she is reluctant to go to court against Liam because it will be her word against his but Brandon wants Liam to pay for what he did to Callie.

I am a man and I know what’s best for you: the saga continues

Stef is in the bathroom with her tank top pulled up and she starts poking her bullet wound. Lena comes in and Stef pulls her shirt down and Lena says she is sorry she made her self-conscious and Stef says she’s not the one bothered by it and Lena says it’s a constant reminder about the shooting and I say, “Damn. Stef looks amazing in that tank top.”

#StefsTankTop

Stef’s mom visits Stef’s dad and they talk about the ugly wallpaper in his kitchen and the fact that she used to dress like Holly Hobbie but they bore me so I focus on the fact that he has two identical bottles of ketchup in his fridge.

Digression 3: Also, does Frank ever do anything besides wander around his kitchen and make sandwiches. He’s a full-time TV sandwich maker. I guess that’s why he needs all that ketchup.

double the ketchup, double the fun

Sharon laughs when mentioning that Lena’s dad is performing the ceremony and then says, “It’s going to be a lovely afternoon. They’re happy you’re coming.” And then we know that Sharon’s super power is passive aggression. Frank stares blankly because that seems to be his super power and then she gets mad and says, “Get over yourself and put on a nice shirt and haul your saggy ass to that wedding on Saturday.” Then, she storms out. I really don’t like thinking of Frank’s saggy ass.

Jesus and Lexi are making out and Lexi wants to have sex again and Jesus wonders if she’s testing him and I know this show is testing me because I’ve seen a lot more tongue wrestling between these teens than I’ve seen from the adult moms. Jesus realizes the lesbian characters are not getting equal treatment in the making out/sex department and stages a sit in and, after the second verse of “We Are A Gentle Angry People,” Lexi leaves in a huff. Okay, Lexi just leaves in a huff.

Stef, Lena and Callie are meeting with the assistant district attorney who looks like a nerdy turtle. He tells Callie that it won’t go to a jury because there is no physical evidence and too much time has passed. Then, he says that if the sex was consensual, they could get him on statutory rape and he’d go to jail for a year. God Bless America!

Digression 4: I once spent two days on a jury listening to testimony regarding negligence in a dog bite case. I listened carefully and took a million mental notes and then, when it was time to deliberate, I was informed that I was the alternate and was dismissed. I’m still mad and that was 11 years ago.

the white man cometh

Mike is taking tables from his car and it reminds me of that scene in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving when Snoopy and Woodstock are setting up tables and making popcorn and toast and I hope they’re not catering the wedding.

They talk about the investigation into the shooting and Mike tells her that Ana said the greasy guy dropped his gun and was unarmed. Stef says that’s true and she’ll change her statement but he says she’ll lose her job and she’s worried he’ll lose his job and I don’t have a job to lose but I might lose my mind if they keep talking.

Brandon asks Callie how the meeting with the attorney went and she tells him what the guy said and Brandon says that he is sure everything will work out. Callie gets mad and says that he lives in a magical world and Brandon looks perplexed as he sits atop his unicorn under a rainbow with a pot of gold clutched in his idealistic little hands.

actual screencap from the actual show

Stef enters the kitchen with Lena’s parents and they open a bottle of wine. Stef’s mom comes in and says, “Oh boy! Wine! Yum!” and it’s very endearing and also I want wine because this is a wedding episode and I’ve yet to have any feelings so maybe I want to feel “wine.” They ask Stef and Lena about their vows and Stef says they’re not doing vows and I start to think that Stef doesn’t understand what a wedding is.

Marianna and Callie are in their room and Callie can’t sleep and Marianna says, “I don’t know what you’re going through but I know a lot about lying.” Is this insight? Character growth? Temporary insanity? Then, she says, “Whatever you decide, you know we’ve got you, right?” and my Grinchy heart grew one size. Just one – let’s not go crazy.

aww

Fast forward to Callie in a courtroom. She’s on the stand and the nerdy turtle asks her if the sex was consensual and she gives a long, dramatic monologue about knowing what they want her to say but ends with “No, it was not consensual. No. He raped me.” Sometimes doing the right thing is so hard.

Back at home, Stef tells Lena that Callie did the right thing and Lena says that Callie deserves better than what the system has given her and you can’t really argue with that.

Lexi pouts her way through the halls of Anchor Beach and Marianna asks her what’s wrong. Lexi says her grandmother in Honduras is sick and they may go visit her. Marianna says, “How can you do that since you’re, you know…” What Marianna? A teenager? A fraggle? I can’t even with this undocumented business.

Meanwhile, the moms’ moms are arguing about flowers. Sharon wants color! Dana wants something sophisticated! Dana realizes she may have offended Sharon and says, “I didn’t mean…” and Sharon says, “Of course, you didn’t. I didn’t realize sophisticated actually meant stick up your ass!” Sharon walks out and Lena walks in and Dana tells her that Sharon wants colorful daisies which will make it a clown wedding. I guess that’s bad because everyone hates clowns. A mime wedding would be worse though, everyone walking in slow motion and trying to get out of invisible boxes.

2009 Rihanna

Digression 5: My mom used to collect clowns. Not real ones because we had a small house.

Stef is lying on her bed and Sharon comes in and starts complaining about Dana wanting calla lilies and says they are funeral flowers. The Libra in me wants to strike a compromise so a Dead Clown Wedding seems to strike a balance. Sharon continues her rant by asking Stef to wear a dress for the wedding instead of pants and Stef says “I just want this day to be here so we don’t have to talk about it anymore!” Yeah, that’s not the right attitude for a wedding even if there are dead clowns involved. Sharon storms out and Lena storms in complaining that their families are crazy. Stef says, “All of this fuss over some stupid wedding.” Serious tactical error, Stef. Lena is ready to call off the wedding because Stef thinks everything is dumb and I can’t really blame her.

hold on, one more set of kegels

Stef visits her dad in his kitchen and I hope that, with the renewal of the show, Frank might get a living room next season. Stef delivers a killer monologue, “I’ve been really embarrassed about this wedding. I haven’t been able to enjoy one single solitary second of it. This voice in my head keeps telling me it’s not right what we’re doing – two women standing in front of friends and family promising to love each other forever. That’s wrong.” She then talks about how screwed up that is because she loves Lena and their family more than she has ever loved anything and then adds, “And I realized that voice, that voice is yours, not mine.” She then tells him that she doesn’t want him at the wedding if he can’t support them. It’s hard to make a good, dramatic exit with a sliding screen door, so, Stef just wanders out with her hands in her pockets. I hope Frank gets a door next year too. Then, people can leave with more pizzazz.

I have to say. I believe Idgie’s been a bad influence on you.

Digression 6: A similar scene played out in my own life in 2000. When planning our ceremony, there was a family member who was very unsupportive and it was my sister who went to that person and said almost exactly what Stef said to her father. For the record, the family member came to our ceremony and it was a turning point in our relationship.

Stef goes home and Sharon is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Stef apologizes for snapping at her and tells her that she won’t wear a dress just to please her and I’m a little bit confused about this dress issue because Stef has worn a dress before so why is it a big deal? Stef tells Sharon she’s sorry she’s not the daughter she dreamed of and Sharon, showing a great grasp of the latest lesbian wedding fashion trends says, “I don’t care if you wear a bikini, overalls or a flak jacket.” She continues to stare at her magazine and says, “But you’re right about one thing. You’re not the daughter I dreamed of. You’re better.” It’s predictable and it could have been too sweet but Annie Potts plays it just cool enough to pull it off.

I found my moving buddy.

Stef continues the Tour of Apologies and finds Lena in the bedroom reading “She’s Just Not That Into You.” Stef gives her the weepy puppy eyes and says she wants to marry her and Lena keeps reading and Stef says, “I’d be crazy not to.” Then, Lena throws the book across the room and they hug and roll on the bed and then, when we see them again, they are naked and Lena says, “Are we sure about this?” and I think maybe it’s their first time. Then she says, “Then I want to tell them today. I don’t want them to come to the wedding not knowing.” What? That you have sex? Because I’m still not sure that you do.

this is how lesbians have sex

Stef and Lena sit down with the kids and tell Callie and Jude that they deserve a home and they want to adopt them. Callie asks the other kids if they’re okay with this and Brandon says, “There’s enough to go around.” Maybe I teared up a little. Maybe. My only question is now that the Fosters won’t be fosters will they have to change their name to The Adopters?

The garden is decked out for the wedding and it’s all in white so I assume that Dana beat Sharon in a behind-the-scenes wrestling match and that all the clowns were stuffed back into a Volkswagen that’s parked in the driveway.

Jesus takes Lexi to his room and she’s still mad that he won’t have sex with her and he tells her he knows she might be going back to Honduras and that he’ll wait for her.

you don’t have to tell me! i know it’s at the top of the vagina!

Callie asks to talk to Brandon privately and thanks him for believing in her and Brandon gets really close and I can almost smell his idealistic magical breath and it smells like Lucky Charms. Then he tells her, “You deserve to have everything you want, don’t you?” I don’t think he’s talking about a pony and that’s confirmed when she dives in and eats his face off.

baaaaaaaaaaaaarf

Talya asks Sharon if she’s seen Brandon and I start to panic. Brandon and Callie continue to make out like the non-lesbian characters they are and it’s Jude that catches them. Jude stomps away and Callie follows and he’s like a little mafia boss in his suit and the way he talks to Callie. He tells her she ruins everything and she promises she won’t do it again and he says, “Yes, you will or you’ll find some other way to ruin everything because that’s what you do.” He tells her she’s selfish and I hate the way she is basically groveling. Then, he makes her kiss his ring before he takes his leave.

The Captain mentions to Lena that she’s glad Stef is coming back to work next week which is new information to Lena. Stef overhears and knows she’s probably in big trouble. Lena grabs Stef’s hand and drags her into a room and shuts the door and pushes her against the wall and starts undressing her and I think FINALLY WE ARE GETTING SOME HOT ACTION but she just puts her hand on Stef’s bullet wound and I yell, “Lower Lena! Lower!” but she says she’s making peace. She tells Stef she is going to marry all of her, “the scar, the bullet and the cop” which is better than “the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” but still a disappointment. Make love not peace, Lena!

what are you doing, babe this is primetime

The wedding begins with a shout out to the Supreme Court decision and then Dana reads a traditional wedding thing and Sharon quotes Erma Bombeck and then we get to the vows. Lena says, “Stephanie Marie Foster, you are a piece of work but you’re my piece of work.” Subconsciously, I substituted “piece of ass” because I’m still frustrated from the making peace scene. Lena finishes her vows and Stef says to Lena, “You’re the person I’ve been waiting for my whole life and I am so proud to be standing here.” The mafia boss has the rings and they exchange them and then kiss like they’re blotting excess lipstick off on a napkin.

they’re resuscitating each other

Digression 7: I expected Stef’s dad to enter during the wedding and he didn’t and I am so thankful they didn’t go with the sappy/happy ending to that arc.

At the reception, Jesus and Lexi are dancing while Lexi’s parents watch and Sonja says Lexi will be devastated when she finds out they’re not coming back. I will admit that caught me by surprise. Maybe we won’t have to endure the whispered “undocumented” storyline next season.

Jude is eating wedding cake and Callie comes up to grovel some more and Jude doesn’t say anything and I’m worried Callie might soon sleep with the fishes.

you spend time with your family?

Marianna dedicates Macklemore’s “Same Love” to her moms and then the whole family dances with wolves. Other than Callie and Brandon’s awkward glances, it’s a cute little scene.

As the song comes to an end with the words “She keeps me warm,” we see Lena and Stef naked spooning in bed. I know they can’t or won’t show the sex but I wish they’d at least kiss like real lesbians kiss – passionately with hummus breath.

no, this is how lesbians have sex

As everyone sleeps, Callie packs her things and then peeks into everyone’s rooms and then walks out of the house and down the middle of the street because using the sidewalk wouldn’t be as visually stunning. She shows up at Wyatt’s as he’s packing the car and asks if he takes hitchhikers. He’s says he thinks she should go home and she tells him to drive safely and walks away. He catches up with her a few blocks away and she gets in his car and they drive off to Gary Indiana Gary Indiana Gary Indiana.

Digression 8: What kind of mother lets her teenage son drive from California to Indiana by himself?! When I was that age, my stepmother let me drive to store to get Tylenol and I got distracted by the Go Go’s and ran into a woman in her brand new Volvo!

can you tell me how to get to sesame street?

And that’s a wrap of Season 1!

Overall impression: I expected to have lots of feelings because I’m sappy about weddings but I felt almost nothing.

Favorite line: I struggled to find a line I really loved this episode so I’ll have to go with Marianna telling Callie, “Whatever you decide, you know we’ve got you, right?” just because it shows such growth in that relationship.

Really? Did they have to do that?: Brandon and Callie. Hasn’t that been the answer to this question all season?

“The Fosters” Episode 109 Recap: The Pneumolorax, Who Speaks For The Fosters

Episode 9 begins with the final scene of Episode 8 – Mike and Stef knock on the door of the crack house with the dirty kitchen that gives me social work flashbacks. They go in – guns drawn – and go room to room searching and then Mike goes into one room and Stef goes into another and splitting up is a very bad idea if you ask me and I’m going to assume you are asking me because I am the boss of this recap.

it’s pretty clear that mike is the isles in this relationship

BANG. BANG.

Mike goes in, sees Stef on the floor and gives the last three BANGS to the greasy drug guy.

In another part of the city, Ana and Jesus meet up in front of a women’s shelter and Jesus tells her they have a bed for her. Ana thanks him and then asks him for money just like Marianna said she would. He gives her whatever he has in his wallet and she hugs him and says she is sorry. They part and I shake my Magic 8 ball and it says, “No way in hell she’s actually staying in that shelter.”

please renew us for another season

In the Great Lesbian Kitchen, Lena wants to know why Marianna met with Ana behind their backs but before Marianna can answer, the phone rings. Saved by the ring tone! It’s Jesus and Lena asks where he is and he lies and she knows he’s a big fat liar and he finally admits he is downtown. Lena gets her keys and goes to pick him up.

She goes to the doctor. She goes to the mountain. She looks for the children. She drinks from a fountain. Finally, Lena finds Jesus. Lena, Marianna and Jesus are in the car and before Lena can yell at Jesus, her phone rings and it’s Mike. Saved by the ring tone again! She asks, “What’s wrong?” and cue intro montage and music!

two hours for a pizza?

Brandon gets home and Callie is the only one there. She says the house was empty when she got home. They chit chat about what they did and then there is a knock at the door. They should get a doorbell. Maybe that would break their streak of bad luck associated with knocking.

Digression 1: Our house was built in 1913 and had this old doorbell, the kind with the metal bell that gets hit with the tiny metal mallet when someone pushes the button. I decided that the bell and mallet needed to be cleaned and I scrubbed them and – oh how they shined! The doorbell never worked again. So, my advice is don’t clean your doorbell innards.

Stef is in the ER and George Clooney says that she might have a pneumothorax which is a very serious condition in which a Lorax gets into one of your lungs and roots around for Truffula seeds. Meanwhile, Lena enters the waiting room and sees the Captain and Tennille. I mean the Captain and Mike who are definitely not singing Muskrat Love unless the lyrics of that duet go something like, “Why were you in that house and why did you shoot that greasy guy?” and “We were looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many places and the guy had a gun.” A nurse interrupts their song to talk to Mike. He asks how Stef is and the nurse says, “Your wife’s condition is critical.” Ugh. Mike explains that Stef is his ex-wife and Lena says, “I’m her domestic partner” and that language has never sounded as dumb and inadequate as it does right in that moment. It’s like saying, “I’m her Certified Public Accountant.” Stef does have a pneumolorax.

what do you mean you “speak for the trees”?

Marianna wants to know if Ana was there but Jesus tells her that Ana was with him. She tells him none of this would have happened if he had just texted her back and told her where he was. Brandon and Callie arrive which means everyone is there, right? NO. Where the hell is Jude?

A nurse tells them Stef is stable and they can see her. Mike asks if he can come and the nurse says, “Only the significant other” and I say aloud, “Thank god!” because they finally avoided some clichéd angst! Lena heads back and the Captain tells Mike he can’t see her until they’ve both given statements to internal affairs anyway.

this isn’t what it looks like

Lena sees Stef and tells her that the kids are all right and they’re all there and she is much more composed than I would be. I am very good in a crisis but she is alone with Stef and Stef is out because of her Lorax and I would probably lose it just a bit.

Then something magical happens – we get a flashback!

Stef and Lena meet for the first time when Brandon is entering kindergarten and Stef tours Lena’s school. Stef has bangs and 80’s clothes. As far as fashion goes, Lena gets the better deal in this flashback. Stef looks pearl-clutching straight and Lena asks if they should wait for her husband and Stef says he couldn’t make it.

If I could go back in time, I would want to meet Snoopy.

After the magical carpet ride, Lena goes to the waiting room and tells everyone that Stef is doing well. A nurse interrupts and says she needs “Mrs. Fosters’ insurance information” and Lena says “It’s Ms.” and then jumps over the counter and throttles the nurse and that’s her back story when we first see her in Orange Is The New Black.

accent à droit, BITCH

Brandon asks Mike why Stef wasn’t wearing a vest. Geez Brandon! Not all lesbians wear vests! But then I realize he means “bulletproof vest” and let this slide. Mike says they didn’t expect this and Brandon says the point is to always be prepared because they are all like Boy Scouts but queer and queer-adjacent. Mike gets called away to talk to internal affairs and Brandon confronts Marianna and Jesus and blames them for Ana and the greasy guy and the Lorax. He says, “We took you in when no one else wanted you!” Low blow.

Digression 2: I have an older brother and we have the same mother but different fathers. He was often mean to me and, after some offense I don’t even remember, I told my mom, “He’s not my real brother anyway!” Let’s just say that Brandon is lucky my mom didn’t hear him.

#brandon’s pent-up privilege explodes

Mike is in the hall with the internal affairs guys and they ask why they were at the house and Mike says they were looking for Stef’s son and saw the drugs. Internal Affair Guy 1 suggests they went there to intimidate the birth mother so she wouldn’t ask to see her kids. Way to be cynical, IAG1! Mike says Stef and her partner adopted the kids and IAG1 says, “Your wife is a lesbian?” This is so stupid and inappropriate that I’m just going to move on.

Brandon and Lena are in the waiting room and he admits that he knew that Marianna had gotten in touch with Ana but didn’t know it was an ongoing thing. Lena asks if he knew that Marianna was selling Jesus’ drugs and he says he wasn’t thinking and Lena says, “This is what happens when people don’t think.” Harsh.

What did i tell you about exploding in front of the kids?

Digression 3: This past weekend, I wasn’t thinking and left my iPhone in a cab in Chicago. Nobody got at a pneumolorax from it.

Marianna asks Callie where Jude is and she says that he’s at the Connors which I find hard to believe since Mrs. Connor gets migraines when people visit and Jude’s been gone for days! Poor Mrs. Connor.

Jesus asks Mike if the police found Ana and Mike says that she didn’t stay in the shelter and my Magic 8 Ball was right! Jesus asks Mike if he shot the greasy guy and Mike says, “Yeah.” Jesus says, “Is he dead?” and Mike says, “Yeah.” Jesus says, “Good” and Mike says, “Hey. When someone gets killed, it’s never good no matter what they did.” Preach, Mike.

The doctor tells the family that no other vital organs were damaged but the bullet fragments are near her spine and she’ll have to have surgery. They can see her before surgery and everyone heads back except for Callie and Mike.

island of misfit toys

Stef who is still out and Lena says, “Honey, we are all here.” A little kudos to Cierra Ramirez (Marianna) in this scene because she has no lines but looks so convincingly small and fragile that I just want to give her a big hug. Lena asks Brandon to take everyone home and then returns to Stef’s bedside and says, “Brandon took the twins home. I’m trying really hard to forgive them. I’m sorry I’m not doing a better job.” Lena – I’m trying really hard to forgive you for blaming them. I’m sorry I’m not doing a better job.

Another magical carpet ride! We see the twins as little kids and Stef meets them in the police station. Stef asks a cop why they’re there and he says, “Armed robbery.” Stef and I laugh. He says they are waiting for Child Protective Services. Stef approaches them and says in this high voice, “Hey guys. My name is Stef. What’s yours?” Jesus introduces them. Stef says, “Are you brother and sister or is this your wife?” Both kids smile as do I. Oh Stef. You’re such a charmer.

Yeah, these kids definitely look like they’re 5 years old.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Marianna is going through boxes of mementos and runs across this framed keepsake that says, “Though we didn’t give you the gift of life, life gave us the gift of you.” Marianna asks, “What if they don’t want us anymore?” And I answer, “They’ll give lesbian moms a bad name.”

Upstairs, Brandon is looking at Stef’s uniforms in the closet and Callie offers to help him find clothes to take to Lena. Callie tells him that he doesn’t know what it’s like to wonder why the people who were supposed to love you, didn’t. Then, she tells him, “Don’t be a jackass.” Callie should be wearing a cape because she is the superhero saving us from schmaltz.

callie “real talk” jacob

Brandon goes to the living room where Jesus and Marianna are still looking through boxes, picks up a voice changing megaphone and says, “I’m sorry I’m an ass” and Jesus takes it from him and says, “I’m sorry you’re an ass too.” Before we can enjoy this sweet little scene too much, there is a knock at the door! They shouldn’t answer it because a) it’s the middle of the night and b) nothing good ever comes from the door knocks. They do answer it though and it’s Jude – as if asking about him summoned him from the ether! He says he couldn’t sleep and wants to know what’s happening with Stef and how does he even know what happened? Anyway, they all fall asleep in the living room like a pile of puppies and Jude asks Callie if Stef is going to die. She says, “No. This family’s not like ours. They’re lucky.” That is so ouchy.

hey wake up, i keep having a dream you were in a terrible disney channel movie

“The Fosters” Episode 108 Recap: Ho Ho Ho, Lena’s Ex Is Coming To Town

It’s a new day in Mission Bay and the Fosters (which I often mistype as the Fisters) are in the garage cooking up meth!

I kid! They are in the kitchen again but that’s boring compared to family drug running. Stef is using her soft thoughtful voice to tell Callie that she is omnipotent and had Sarah taken from Liam’s home and hopes to get Liam in trouble with the law.

Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me.

Digression: Whenever I say “the law,” I think of that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where that greasy sheriff says, “I’m the law and you can’t beat the law.”

They all sit down for dinner and Jesus puts ketchup all over whatever it is they are eating and Lena is mad because she made it from scratch. Ain’t no Hamburger Helper in the Great Lesbian Kitchen.

That ain’t ketchup

Digression: My partner makes amazing pork chops. She rubs them in herbs and grills them to perfection and then we watch in horror as our kids smother them in ketchup. We used to comment about it but that made dinner tense. Now, whenever I smell ketchup, I get tense. I am the Pavlov’s dog of lesbian mom.

We learn that Lexi is returning to school, that Brandon hates his piano teacher and Lena’s ex is coming to town! I just sang that last part to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” for those who want to sing along at home.

Gay?

Next, we see Brandon playing the piano while his evil teacher looks on with the zeal of a sea slug. He stops Brandon and asks him why he is so void of passion and has such big bags under his eyes (my words – not his) and Brandon says, “I’m trying to get it right.” The teacher says, “And there’s your problem. You have to stop trying to get it right. I would rather you made a hundred mistakes than play it perfectly without risking anything.” This is not what I expected him to say and I love it and the piano teacher is now my spiritual advisor. I need him to sit by me and whisper this in my ear while I write.

once more with feeling

At Anchor School for Castaways, we see Wyatt and his lovely locks leaning against a post. When Callie told him to get lost last week, I had hoped it was forever but not all dreams come true. Callie asks if he’s mad and he sulks and tells her to go talk to Brandon because Wyatt is actually only 6 years old. Callie opens up a little bit about Liam and he tells her that it’s not enough and that she is “too screwed up.” People who live in foreclosed glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!

Tayla approaches Brandon and tells him she bought him tickets to see The Weepies before they broke up and she wants him to have them. She is not her usual mean self and I am incredibly forgiving so I want him to take the tickets but he doesn’t – probably because they’re not from Callie.

aww, tickets to magic mike. you shouldn’t have.

Lexi says hey to Jesus and he’s distant and I’m confused.

Moments later, Jesus and Marianna are in a bad neighborhood and we know it is bad because there are people with excess facial hair working on cars in their driveways and there is litter and a homeless man in an alley. Oh my! They are going to see Ana to tell her to back off which explains why he was being distant with Lexi. They knock and Ana answers and she is surprised to see Jesus and then gives him a giant hug. It’s sweet but you know it’s not going to end well. They go into the house and the kitchen is filthy. The stove is black with burned food and the sink and counter are full of dishes. I yell, “Don’t touch anything unless you brought hand sanitizer!”

Digression: I went into houses like this almost every day as an Adult Protection worker and, when they walked into that kitchen, I could smell it. A piece of advice: if you ever walk into a house like this and notice a bucket, do NOT look in the bucket. Never look in the bucket.

Ana is talking to the kids when a dirty guy comes in and I can smell him too. If you need smell-o-vision, he smells like cigarette smoke, body odor and old grease. I know you’ll be shocked but this guy is not a nice person. After he walks out, Ana asks the kids for money so that she can get away from him because he’s abusive. Jesus clearly feels bad for Ana but Marianna is not feeling it. She’s been down this “sell pills for birth mom and contemplate stealing from other moms” road before. They tell her no.

From drug den to cop car! Stef and Mike are on patrol and she tells Mike he looks like hell but he looks exactly the same to me as he always does – shiny and like his skin is too tight. Before she can say more, a car runs a stop sign and Mike takes off in hot pursuit! When the car hits a dead end, they get out of the car, pull their guns and say police things. Mike then pulls the guy out of the car and turns him around to cuff him but the guy bops him in the head and takes off. Stef runs after him and looks good doing so. She catches up to him, throws him to the ground and mounts him (in a non-sexual way, of course).

cool hashtag, ABC Family

Jesus is in his room on his laptop when Marianna comes in and tells him not to feel bad for Ana because she is manipulative but Jesus does feel bad for her. Marianna leaves and Lexi calls and he ignores it. When we see his laptop screen, he’s looking up women’s shelters. Jesus is a really good guy.

Digression: Where’s Jude? In the closet? We haven’t seen him all episode.

Brandon is practicing piano and Stef comes in and tells him she can hear the difference which is nice but I don’t know if she’s speaking the truth or speaking mom. Stef asks about Mike and Brandon tells her he’s drinking again and she notices he says “again” and he tells her that Mike drank a lot after the divorce. He also tells her that Mike once drove off the road with him in the car. Yikes. Don’t drink and drive, kids.

shoulda gone with suzuki

Mike and Stef are in the Captain’s office and as I type “Captain” I think “Hook” and now I can’t stop thinking about pirates. The Captain says, “Argh mateys! What happened?” Mike says, “Nothin’! The scallywag slipped through me hands!” Mike leaves and the Captain asks Stef for the truth but we don’t get to see Stef answer and I’m sad because I wanted to make her speak pirate!

Anchors away! At Anchor Beach, it’s algebra time and Brandon and Callie and Talya and every minor character we’ve seen so far have class together! The teacher steps out for a moment and shenanigans begin almost immediately. Some guys are giggling over a video and Talya asks what it is and one of the guys plugs it into the projector and the whole class gets to watch as Talya drinks beer, dances and strips. I knew that foreclosure party wasn’t going to end well for Talya. Brandon stops the video, Talya dashes out and Callie runs after to her. Talya has the weepies with a lower case “w” and Callie tells her that people will forget about it. The scene makes Talya very human and I forgive her for her horrible behavior in previous episodes and wish I could give her a hug and ask her if she knows her pants look like bandanas sewn together by inattentive monkeys.

The more attentive monkeys brush my hair 1000 times each morning.

Back at the police station, Mike is mad because Stef told the Captain that he’s been drinking too much rum and hanging out with parrots and now he’s assigned to a desk job.

While Stef argues with her ex-husband, Lena is dining with her ex-girlfriend, Gretchen. Lena doesn’t know why Stef is late and seems uncomfortable but Gretchen seems very comfortable. Gretchen asks Lena why she never got pregnant and says, “You always wanted kids.” Lena grits her teeth and says, “And I have them.”

This is a short, sweet exchange that says so much about how people perceive lesbian families.

#runStefrun

Then, Gretchen says, “Either your wife is here or there is a bachelor party going on!” and Stef enters in her cop uniform. Lena says Stef can’t drink in uniform and Stef starts taking off her cop top and I like where this is going and then tells the waitress she’ll have a martini “dirty” and Gretchen says, “Oh. I knew I was going to like you.” Then, they skip dinner and play strip poker.

Of course, they don’t.

Lena orders red wine and Gretchen tells the waitress that Lena can only handle Pinot and “can’t have anything full-bodied” and Stef says, “I don’t know about that.” Then, they both gang up on Lena. Gretchen is so deliciously awful.

At the house, the kids are fending for themselves – hunting/gathering/foraging for berries/eating pizza. Callie brings up Talya and asks Brandon to be nice to her. Then, he asks her if she’s with Wyatt and she says “not really.” I can’t really concentrate on any of this, however, because I am focused on the fact that Brandon warmed up his pizza in the microwave. Don’t we all just eat pizza cold? Can people weigh in on this?

Ed note: i microwave my pizza. so.

The ex marks the spot at the restaurant. Gretchen and Stef are laughing and then Gretchen mentions how much Lena hates guns and tells an adorable story about Lena once shooting guns with Gretchen’s dad and crying when she hit the target. She asks Stef if she’s ever shot anyone and Stef says she hasn’t and anytime anyone makes any kind of declaration in this show I get worried that it is clumsy foreshadowing.

Jesus tells Marianna that she was right about Ana but suggests they help her go to a shelter. Marianna says that Ana will only ask for more help. She tells him they can never go back and asks him to promise he won’t. He promises. Again with the declarations!

wait, this whole time i thought you were selena gomez

Gretchen, Lena and Stef are outside the restaurant waiting for the valet and Stef invites Gretchen to dinner at their house the next night. Gretchen eagerly accepts and then gets into her fancy car and drives away. Lena turns on Stef with wide eyes and says, “You were kinda ganging up on me!” and I say, “That’s exactly what I said Lena!” Stef doesn’t think they were and Lena says, “That’s why I don’t hang out with exes.” Lena then gets in her car and leaves. The valet says to Stef, “She said you’re gonna pay for it?” Stef says, “You’re telling me.” Perfect.

Digression: When I gave birth to my first baby, my first crush and my first girlfriend were in the room with my partner and me. Not all exes are bad.

i found the butt plug.

It’s the Teen Beach Volleyball Championships in which teenagers frolic on the beach and are captured on camera in random beautiful shots. Lexi spikes the ball into Jesus’ head and he’s unimpressed. Lexi is mad that he blew her off to see Ana and didn’t tell her and she’s feeling insecure because she’s undocumented and he tells her that he loves her just the same and I say WTF. Why would he feel differently about her just because she’s undocumented? She’s worried about getting caught and he says, “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.” Please see the two previous references to grand declarations. Duh duh duh.

Callie asks Wyatt to a movie and he says he has a thing and she uses one of his first lines on him, “When your thing gets boring, you know where to find me.” I hope he shows up at the theater in a formal gown!

i loved you in snow white and the huntsman

Jesus is back at Ana’s house and the scary guy answers and Jesus asks if Ana is there.

That night, Gretchen is at the Charming Craftsman for dinner. Marianna is the only kid at home and Gretchen is wowing her with tales of Justin Timberlake and George Clooney. Then, she talks about all the traveling that she and Lena did and Stef says they’ve travelled too and Lena says they went to Barstow where they stayed in a roach-infested motel and drank $2 prosecco. Stef says, “Only the best for you, my love.” I love how snarky they are with each other and I love how secure Stef is. Gretchen’s Clooney can’t hold a candle to Stef’s cheap prosecco. Everything is going well until Marianna mentions that Stef and Lena aren’t married. Lena says “Stef doesn’t believe in gay marriage.” I hate it when people say it like that, like gay marriage is the Loch Ness Monster of legal processes.

this is how lesbians have sex

Digression: I spent a great deal of my youth fascinated with the Loch Ness Monster and now we know why – I’m a gay.

Turns out, Lena’s always wanted to get married but Stef didn’t seem to know this.

Jesus is supposed to be at a movie with Lexi but Lexi texts Marianna and asks if she wants to hang out. Marianna is all, “Where’s Jesus?” Lexi says he was supposed to be at home and asks, “Where is he?” There will always be those who can’t find Jesus.

Gretchen, Lena and Stef are eating and there is this hilarious exchange:

Gretchen: “Lena broke up with me because I wouldn’t marry her.”
Lena: “I broke up with you because you weren’t monogamous!”
Gretchen: “Yeah, there was that.”
Lena: “And because you slept with my best friend!”
Gretchen: “And that.”

Everything gets tense and Gretchen suggests that she should leave and no one stops her. Exit Gretchen, stage right.

so who’s up for apples to apples

Lena says dinner was awkward and Stef says, “No one asked her to leave.” That’s a technicality, Stef. Stef is upset that, after 10 years with Lena, she didn’t know she wanted to get married. She mentions a proposal and a flashmob and I think Hot Cops from Arrested Development but all ladies but Lena ruins that vision and tells Stef, “Don’t be an ass.” Stef says, “Don’t tell me how to react!” Lez fight! Before it gets good, though, Marianna interrupts to tell them about Ana and Jesus. Marianna is crying and it should be this great moment because she’s finally telling the truth and showing concern for someone other than herself but I can’t think too much about that because Stef’s boobs look really good in that shirt. I see tan lines!

what do you mean they’ve legalized gay marriage since this episode was written

Stef opens the closet and takes her gun out of the safe and Lena says, “I can’t pay the rent!” and someone says, “You must pay the rent!” and Stef says, “I’ll pay the rent!” They’d all look so cute in those little handlebar mustaches but they didn’t really say any of this but Lena does wring her hands and say, “Don’t you think we should call the police?” and Stef says, “What do you think I am?” and shoves the gun in her pants. Rawr.

A scene of Wyatt and Callie making out in the theater interrupts my enjoyment of Hot Cop Stef and I am bitter.

baaaaarf

Talya and Brandon stroll and talk about The Weepies and piano and his teacher and how awesome he is and they decide to go out for coffee.

Stef drives up to the very dark crack house and, as she’s getting out, Mike drives up in that damn white mustang again and I cannot let go of that white horse imagery and it makes me crazy. Lena called him. They knock on the door, call out for Jesus and then enter because the door was ajar. They see drug paraphernalia on the table and pull their guns.

We then see the house from a distance and it lights up with 5 gunshots.

I blame Gretchen.

who’s at the door

Overall impression: I loved the dynamic with the ex. Loved it.

Favorite line: It was a tough call this week. I liked lots of lines but the winner is Gretchen with, “Either your wife is here or there is a bachelor party going on!”

Really? Did they have to do that?: The undocumented storyline with Lexi continues to be clunky. Also, can Wyatt disappear? Can he be kidnapped by a ring of rogue hairstylists?

“The Fosters” Episode 107 Recap: You’re Always Welcome At Hotel Mariana

This episode begins with Jesus following Marianna into her room and calling her a tattletale!

Digression 1: Just yesterday, my son called my daughter “tattletale” but thankfully his crime was accessing Netflix on his iTouch without permission and not about teen sex. This is real life, people!

Jesus calls Marianna out about being awful with the whole Jesus/Lexi thing. If we give them a shipper name, it has to be Jesexi, pronounced “Hey sexy!” Stef has just gotten out of a shower and is shiny and steamy and brushing her hair in the mirror when she hears Jesus and Marianna arguing and she yells, “Oh my god! I can’t even take a shower in peace!”

Serious Mom Face

I’m sorry – that was actually me this morning. Stef is nicer than me and tells them they are family and they are going to have to get along. Jesus says he can’t get along with Marianna because she’s a “monster.” Drama king. He storms out and Stef tells Marianna that she brought all this on herself but what Marianna hears is, “Jesus is right and you are wrong and I love him more and he has better hair!”

Meanwhile, Lena tells Callie that she heard Callie isn’t actively participating in her group therapy sessions which are mandated. Callie asks for another group and Lena says she’ll see what she can do. Callie goes into the kitchen where Brandon is sulking in his cereal. At least, he’s not crying over spilled milk.

Digression 2: He uses milk from a ½ gallon. I find it hard to believe that a family of 7 buys milk by the ½ gallon. What lesbian family would waste that much plastic?

Brandon is pouting and Callie asks if he’s mad at her and he says, “You got my sister drunk blah blah blah” and Callie explains and he apologizes and I am still thinking about the milk.

HALF GALLON OF MILK! The Fosters hate the earth.

Marianna is at the beach with Ana, leaning against some giant boulders as you do. Ana is singing a kids’ song in Spanish and Marianna seems to find it sweet but I think Ana seems drunk or high. Kids’ songs can be fun but not that fun.

Digression 3: Once, my daughter was singing Mr. Golden Sun and instead of singing “please shine down on me”, she sang “please go down on me” and that is the only time I laughed as hard as Ana does in this scene.

Ana tells Marianna that she has been clean for a week and she wants to stay clean but she needs money for rehab. Marianna tells her she doesn’t have any more cash and Ana suggests that she take something the Foster’s aren’t using and give it to Ana to sell. Marianna is hesitant until Ana says, “We’re family and family takes care of family.” I hope Marianna brings her a ½ gallon of milk to sell. White gold. Texas tea. Wait – wrong show.

At Anchor Beach School for Wayward Surfers, Wyatt is telling Callie he had a dirty dream about her and I don’t think he means they were making mud pies. He was so moved by this dirty dream that he wanted to look at all of her Instagram pictures again so he could make more mud pies but found she’d made her account private. He then asks her about the comment from Liam. The Liam Cat is out of the bag!

Jesus runs into Kelsey the Skittle Addict and asks if she’s seen Lexi. Shockingly, she is mean. She needs attitude rehab since the chemical dependency treatment didn’t work.

Jude is in class and the teacher assigns a project that requires working in pairs and as people start choosing partners and I start to worry no one will pick Jude and then I have flashbacks to being picked last in dodge ball and, as I begin to hyperventilate, Connor of the Blue Nail Polish asks to be Jude’s partner and we all relax. Connor asks to go to Jude’s house and says, “My mom doesn’t like it when kids come over, says it gives her migraines.” I file that away as a future excuse because it sounds much better than, “Um…I don’t know honey…let’s plan something sometime…yeah…we’ll figure that out…”

Can you tell me hot to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

Jesus ditches school to go to a cute little row house on Sesame Street. He knocks on a cheerful blue door and I expect Cookie Monster to answer and am disappointed when Lexi answers and they start making out on the front stoop. I yell at Lexi that this is a bad idea given the circumstances with her parents, but she doesn’t care because Jesus just ate a pack of Mentos and she drank a pop and she wants to see if they’ll explode. When they pry themselves apart, Lexi tells Jesus that her parents took her computer and phone and locked her away in Cookie Monster’s tower where she has to spin gold.

Holy Riveras! I’m in trouble.

Back at the school of Sun and Surf, Lena sees the Riveras leaving the school and she looks nervous. She walks into her office and the boss lady is lurking in there and tells her that the Riveras are pulling Lexi out of school. The boss tells Lena that school officials are not supposed to give aspirin without parental permission so giving Lexi the morning after pill was not good and now they all have headaches but no one can give them aspirins. The unborn chickens are coming home to roost!

Liam drive Jeep. Liam angry. Liam stomp stomp.

Callie is waiting outside school for Wyatt when Liam drives up in his Big Jeep of Anger and jumps out and yells at Callie that he warned her and tells her Wyatt left a comment on Instagram and she tries to walk away but he grabs her arm and she squeaks and none of the surfer bystanders notice. Slackers. Then, Wyatt comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Liam and then Brandon hears the fight and runs over and pulls Wyatt off of Liam and holds him back but in a gentle way and I pretend briefly they are lovers. What a cute couple! Liam storms off. Callie yells at Wyatt that he made things worse. I consider making my Instagram private.

Honey, get control of yourself! Your hair is mussed.

Callie and Brandon walk home together and she explains that Liam was her foster brother. Brandon asks how old Liam is and she says 21 and we know Callie is 15 and we can actually see Brandon’s musical brain straining as he tries to make the math. Eventually, he concludes that Liam’s behavior was “not cool.” That’s right, Brandon. One man’s “not cool” is another man’s “statutory rape.” Turns out that Callie is worried about Sarah.

Don’t let the uniform fool you – I’m a lover not a fighter.

The Great Lesbian Kitchen isn’t so great right now because Lena and Stef are home from work and fighting about Lexi and the pill. Lena explains that she could lose her job and Stef is all, “Pfft. Halibut or chimichangas?” Lena says, “Everything you do comes back on me.” But Stef doesn’t back down and says she did the right thing. Jude interrupts and asks if Connor can come over to work on a project and they say something like “Of course, sweet potato” and then offer him a snack but he doesn’t want one because he’s not a real boy. He’s like a snack-hating Pinocchio.

Is it live or is it Memorex?

Later that night, Lena and Stef are getting ready for bed which means angrily tossing pillows off the bed (Lena) and nonchalantly brushing teeth (Stef). Stef says they shouldn’t go to bed mad but Lena rolls away and seethes.

Angry Lesbian Seether

Digression 4: I’m sure Lena didn’t seethe silently either. When I seethe at bedtime, I do it loudly so that my partner can’t forget that I’m mad. We’ve been together 20 years and this is the key to our success. (Please note: Don’t try this at home. This recapper is a trained seething professional. Results may vary.)

The next morning, the doorbell rings and Stef answers it to find the pizza delivery guy! Pizza for breakfast is always good. I kid. It’s the Riveras and Lexi is missing! She ran away!

Sweetie! Did you order some Christians?

Digression 5: I actually got teary during this scene. I was sad for Lexi and sad for the parents and maybe a little sad for me because I had espresso late yesterday and then stayed up too late watching Orange Is the New Black.

Stef suggests filing a police report but Sonja and Ernie want to look for Lexi first. So, Stef and Ernie head out to look and Sonja and Lena stay home to make calls.

Brandon tells Callie she should call Bill and I think Kill Bill and then my brain fills with images of pretty ladies doing badass things and Brandon bores me. She tells him that she can’t because it would be her word against Liam’s and it would go on her record anyway and she would be labeled “sexually volatile” and I don’t think that is a Mentos and soda thing and she would go to a group home and never be fostered again. Brandon says, “That’s crazy though.” and Callie says, “It’s the system.” After this past week, that seems to be a sad, universal truth.

Stef and Ernie are driving around looking for Lexi and Ernie tells Stef that Sonja is stubborn and that they were not in agreement about pulling Lexi from school. Sonja wanted to send her back to Honduras where they are from and boarding school was a compromise.

Sonja and Lena are talking about sex, baby. Lena says they didn’t condone Jesus and Lexi having sex but says they taught their kids about birth control and safe sex. Sonja says that is the same as condoning it. Lena believes teenagers will have sex and Sonja says she put the idea in their heads. Lena says that they see things differently but they shouldn’t have given Lexi the pill.

Digression 6: 1) We talk to our kids about sex and always have. If they have questions, they can ask. Is this a queer thing? 2) This conversation felt natural and emotionally true which is what I felt was missing in the religious conversation last week.

The doorbell rings and it’s Connor. Lena invites him in and calls Jude down and Connor says, “Hey Jude” and Lena says, “Ah! The Beatles!” and I say, “YES! YOU FINALLY MADE THE BEATLES JOKE!”

This is not your brother’s Sesame Street

Marianna is not on Sesame Street unless Oscar runs the neighborhood. She looks in the window of an abandoned house and then goes inside and then she yells, “I brought the stuff.” She opens the door to a room and…it’s Lexi! Yes, they fooled me – I really thought she was bringing heirloom lesbian teacups to Ana to sell but she’s bringing candles to Lexi. I like this much better because I was not emotionally prepared for a drug den. Lexi thinks the place is gross which shows that Lexi has excellent taste in hideouts and has eyes and a keen sense of smell. Turns out that Lexi turned to Marianna for help and she sent her to Wyatt’s old house. They sit on a nasty spray painted couch and talk about their feelings and look lovingly at each other and Marianna talks about Ana and says that Ana’s quote about family was “screwed up” so she has some perspective.

Connor and Jude are in Jude’s room and Connor is holding up a football jersey and talks about Tomlinson and Jude’s favorite player and Jude hears, “Blah blah sports blah blah” while he sits on his bed with his big bag from the craft store. He admits the jersey is Jesus’. Then, Connor asks about the skateboard and Jude tells him that almost everything in the room is Jesus’ except for a tiny backpack of things.

Marianna and Lexi are having a teenage trashed house photoshoot at the hideout and – again – I worry about photostream. But maybe I should want them to get caught. I’m so conflicted. Then, Marianna asks Lexi what it was like to have sex and Lexi says that everyone always says it’s awful but “It was sorta great and sorta awful.” Jesus was gentle and that’s a little more than Marianna wants to know. So, she gets up to leave and Lexi thanks her and Marianna says, “We may not have the best accommodations but you’re always welcome at Hotel Marianna.” I hope it’s not like Hotel California because I hear that place is a nightmare.

Runaway tip 1: Photoshoot!

Meanwhile, Brandon and Callie are sitting in an unmarked car playing Fun with Stakeouts but they’re not even doing it right because they don’t have snacks and a thermos full of coffee.

Digression 7: I was an Adult Protection investigator for 15 years and sometimes I had a hard time finding my clients and/or alleged perpetrators so I would have to sit in my car and wait for them to show up. I usually brought coffee but no snacks and I tweeted and talked to Siri while I waited. I give good stakeout.

Sarah appears and Callie runs over to her and tries to warn her about Liam but Sarah is not having it.

Connor and Jude are making a model of DNA or a stepladder for fairies out of pipe cleaners and Jude says, “Can I show you something?” and his delivery is weird so I immediately think it’s something horrible like a horse head or a different kind of head but no – it’s a knife that belonged to his father. Then, he makes up an elaborate story about his dad making millions and running away to an island because he has a better travel agent than Lexi. Connor tells him he doesn’t have to lie and I like that boy Connor.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Stef is telling the Riveras that it’s time to make a police report but they don’t want to because they are undocumented. That certainly does complicate things.

Jesus is sitting on the porch when Marianna gets back from the hideout and he tells her the Riveras are still there. He says, “They’re about to file a police report.” And Marianna says, “Why?” Just when I warm up to her, she makes me regret it. Jesus must explain it to her because she takes him to see Lexi. Jesus tells Lexi she has to go back and Marianna says, “Your parents are undocumented.” Jesus says, “And there’s something else…you have a twin and she is dying and needs a transplant!” Not really. He just says “And there’s something else” dramatically before Marianna tells her that she is undocumented too.

It’s group therapy time! People share and then the counselor looks expectantly at Callie and Callie starts telling her story about Liam and Sarah runs out and Callie runs out after her and I run out of coffee. Outside, Sarah tells Callie that people won’t believe her and it will only go on her record and then darts away. Brandon comes over and tells Callie that she tried and says about Sarah, “It’s her choice.” Callie says, “It wasn’t mine.” She then describes Liam coming into her room and raping her. She says, “I always thought it was my fault. But it wasn’t my choice and it wasn’t my fault.” That’s a great message.

Back in the Great Lesbian Kitchen, the Fosters are serving the Riveras Great Lesbian Hummus as is the custom of our people. The door opens and Lexi, Jesus and Marianna walk in and Lexi is crabby and tells her parents that she will call immigration herself if they try to send her away. That’s such a great idea! Then you can all get sent away together! Jude and Connor come downstairs and Stef offers to walk Connor out but Jude says he’ll walk him out.

Just eat the lesbian hummus and everything will be fine.

Digression 8: Is this stilted acting on Jude’s part or are they going to make him ashamed of other people knowing that his foster moms are lady lovers?

Connor offers Jude his little game console to keep.

Digression 9: Yes, I am 100 years old and don’t recognize that gadget. My kids have iTouches and DS’s so please forgive my ignorance.

Jude says he can’t keep it but Connor insists and then Connor’s mom honks and I can’t believe she didn’t come to the door and meet her son’s friend and parents. Shame on you Connor’s Mom – even if kids do give you migraines!

Jesus goes into Marianna’s room and they have a sweet scene and make peace with each other. After he leaves, Marianna gets a text from Ana asking about the “rehab money” and Marianna ignores it.

Downstairs, Lena and Stef are getting comfortable on the couch with a bottle of wine and Stef puts her feet up on Lena’s lap and they are making peace as well and I would love to find them cute but Stef has really ugly feet! You know I love her but I just wanted to put some socks on those feet so that I could enjoy the cuteness. They are tired and messy (Lena and Stef, not Stef’s feet) and ready to relax which means that something else will happen. Brandon and Callie walk in and Callie tells them that she has to talk to them and she sits down and starts telling her story and, because Stef sits up and her feet are no longer visible, I can truly appreciate what this moment means to all the characters.

Lesbian mom needs socks. Send help.

Overall impression: I thought the issues were handled better than in the last episode.

Favorite line: Not a lot to choose from this week so I’m going with “We may not have the best accommodations but you’re always welcome at Hotel Marianna.”

Really? Did they have to do that?: I’m still not sure they aren’t going to the Brandon Callie place. Also, it felt like the Riveras legal status was another drama for drama’s sake situation. Thoughts?

“The Fosters” Episode 106 Recap: Houses of Horrors

The episode opens with Stef and Lena chatting about dinner in the Great Lesbian Kitchen. Stef looks like she could use a shower while Lena looks fresh in her cute little striped shirt and I am distracted as I wonder: 1) Would I look cute in that shirt? 2) If I stand up and lean in, can I see down Lena’s shirt? What? She leans on tables a lot and it’s become a game I play to entertain myself.

The kids enter at various points (except for Jude who is absent this episode) – Marianna in short shorts, Callie in a shirt that screams “Flashdance with Owls!”, Jesus in a tank top so we see his bulging boy biceps and Brandon looking like he’s going to a chess match. I then realize that Lena’s shirt is a pajama top. No wonder I like it – it’s 3 p.m. and I’m still in my pajama shorts.

Jesus wants to know what they are having for dinner because he wants to impress Lexi’s parents and Stef gives a fancy answer in a faux British accent before exclaiming, “Mama’s making halibut!” Halibut! The other other white meat. Then, Stef says, “We’ll do our best to assure them we’re not running a teen brothel.” Marianna complains that they never had Lexi’s parents over when they were friends and I’m glad she spoke up because, for a minute, the world was revolving around someone other than her. Jesus mentions that he was invited to go to Jesus Camp and Stef worries the Christians will say mean things about his family and I understand but, Stef! There will be Christian Frisbee!

Callie and Wyatt are hanging out in an empty house and I don’t trust that this is his house after the Beach House Breaking and Entering Date and neither does Callie because she asks him if it’s really his house. He then leads her upstairs to prove it to her.

Digression 1: He leaves the door open and there is not even a screen door so the house is just wide open. Who does that? Bugs or weird neighbors could get in! I may be sensitive to open doors since my new summer hobby is yelling “Shut the door before the bugs or burglars get in!” I don’t really say the bugs and burglars part because my daughter has a fear of spiders and my son has a fear of burglars. True story.

Wyatt and Callie go upstairs and he shows her a mural in his closet that he drew over the years. We are supposed to be impressed but, as a mom, I couldn’t help but think, “How many coats of paint will it take to cover that thing!” But Callie doesn’t have to worry about priming the walls so she likes it. Wyatt wants to define their relationship and Callie obviously doesn’t want to talk about it and Wyatt it’s stilted and awkward and then Wyatt invites Callie to come to his foreclosure party.

We see a close up of Piano Fingers and it’s Brandon working on a song for an audition. Lena watches and tells Brandon they’ll be proud of him no matter what and Brandon returns to the piano and plays the song again under the watchful eye of an uneaten bagel sitting on top of his keyboard.

Digression2: We don’t let the kids have food in their rooms but Lena didn’t seem to care about the bagel in the bedroom without a plate. We are sticklers about this since we discovered our daughter was hiding an onion in her room.

Lena leaves Brandon to serenade his bagel and runs into Marianna who says, “Garrett invited me to lunch.” and I assume he invited her to Denny’s for a Grand Poetry Slam but nope. They are heading to Paco’s.

Callie goes to a support group for foster kids. Not a group for the Fosters’ kids because that would obviously take place in the Great Lesbian Kitchen and not in this dingy church basement. While the other kids bare their souls, Callie bares her teeth. Not really, she just plays with her iPhone. A girl named Sarah talks about being happy in her home even if it is temporary and Callie shuts off her phone and listens and I think, “She can relate because she is happy in her temporary home!” and then Callie invites the girl out for coffee after group to talk about life and my gut says this is an unsettling development but I ignore my gut and stuff it with tortilla chips.

Marianna goes to Paco’s and sits down in a booth and she’s meeting her birth mother, Ana! Marianna tells Ana that she doesn’t have any more money and Ana seems offended. Really, Ana? You’ve had one meeting with your daughter and you asked her for a big chunk of change – you don’t get to be hurt. Ana asks about friends and Marianna tells her that her best friend Lexi betrayed her by dating Jesus. I still don’t understand why this is such a big deal. Ana says that she missed Marianna’s birthday so she bought her a gift. Marianna looks shy and hopeful and I’m worried about what’s in the bag. It turns out to be a bear in a tiara which is sweet and much better than a dead squirrel. Not that Ana would give her a dead squirrel but that’s my go to thing when thinking of weird things in bags.

Digression 3: I thought the bear was sweet but my cynical friend, Deborah, was suspicious of the bear. She thinks there is a nannycam or drugs in the bear and I think it’s probably filled with love and regret and remorse.

Brandon is pacing on the stoop of the Charming Craftsman and we learn that Mike was supposed to pick him up 20 minutes ago.

Stef goes to visit her dad and takes groceries and they have an in-depth discussion of TV dinners. Stef has nightmares about frozen peas and Salisbury steak. I have nightmares about driving off a cliff but Salisbury steak is bad too. Stef mentions Jesus might be going to church camp and Dad of Stef likes that idea and Stef says, “Please, Dad. You know we don’t do church because we are godless lesbians.” She says everything but the godless lesbians part. He says he never understood why she quit church and she says she quit because he sent her to talk to a youth minister after catching her cuddling with a girl on the couch. Then, he tells her she had Mike and Brandon and “You had everything and you made the choice to be gay.” Stef tears up a little but stays calm and talks about how much she adores Lena and their family and says, “At the end of the day, who I love shouldn’t be an issue for you or anyone else. I made a choice to be happy.”

Digression 4: This scene made me tense so I thought I’d offer some levity. A few days after I came out to my mom, we were standing in her Not A Lesbian Kitchen and she leaned up against the counter, stared at me and said, “What was it, Vik? Was I too butch for you?” Yes, mom. Your El Camino made me gay.

Stef’s dad doesn’t understand that oranges aren’t the only fruit.

Mike pulls up to the Charming Craftsman in his white mustang. White horse! Mike is the hero! He apologizes to Brandon for being late and says he fell asleep and Brandon says it’s the middle of the day and we all know that means Mike is an unemployed college student or he’s been drinking.

Callie and Support Group Sarah are sitting on a picnic table and Callie asks Sarah about her foster family and she’s a bit cold as she questions Sarah and I know I was wrong to dismiss my gut feeling before – Callie has an agenda. Sarah talks about her foster dad and foster brother enjoying golf and we can all sigh in relief that the straight family got the golf hobby. Callie takes a picture of Sarah which is weird and Sarah tells a story about her foster brother getting mad and breaking a golf club and she says it like it’s endearing and I don’t understand these girls. Eye boogers and golf clubs broken in anger are not adorable. Callie says something like “Liam did that?” and Sarah says, “I never said his name was Liam.” Run Sarah!

Later, at the Charming Craftsman, Callie and Marianna are hanging out and Marianna looks through the pictures on Callie’s phone. She sees a picture of Wyatt and describes him as “messy sexy” while I would describe him as a “modern day bad boy Leif Garrett.” I know – you are all too young to know Leif Garrett but look him up.

Digression 5: I didn’t know I was gay in high school but I knew that I wasn’t into boys. Despite that, I pulled out Leif Garrett from Tiger Beat and hung his picture in my locker. Even when I didn’t know I was passing, I was passing.

Marianna wants to know if Callie is going out with Wyatt and she says he is having a party and Marianna is all “YAY LET’S PARTY WITH MESSY SEXY!” and Callie is all “BUT JUVEY!” but Callie relents and agrees to go.

Stef zips up Lena’s dress while sighing and Lena says, “It’s just a dinner party babe.” Stef says, “It’s not dinner, it’s my dad.” They finish getting dressed and Stef says, “I’m telling you this. I will not be judged in my own house.” This makes me think two things: 1) I like stern Stef and 2) She is going to be judged in her own house.

Someone’s in the kitchen with Lena. No, it’s not Dinah – it’s Stef! Callie and Marianna come in and Stef’s all, “Mama’s cooking halibut!” Again with the halibut.

We could start a drinking game just for the halibut.

Marianna and Callie say they are going to Wyatt’s and Stef says, “The hair model? Oh, we like him.” I think Stef read my last recap. Stef asks if his parents are going to be home and Marianna implies that they are without explicitly stating that they are which means she didn’t really lie and I make note of this for future interrogations of my own children.

Brandon is waiting to go into his audition and Mike apologizes for making him late and Brandon gives Mike mean looks and then Brandon is called in to audition. He begins to play and messes up. He starts again and messes up again. Let’s all blame Mike.

Callie and Marianna show up at Wyatt’s Foreclosure Party to find people drinking and painting the walls and it’s smoky and loud which is TV drama code for “This will not end well.” Wyatt greets Callie and offers her spray paint or poster paint because the entertainment options include graffiti or potato prints. Callie asks him what he’s trying to accomplish and points out that people are destroying the house he’s lived in his whole life. Sure Callie. Now you want to talk about feelings? Wyatt gets mad and stomps away and chugs an entire solo cup of something alcoholic. I’m guessing Kool-Aid and cheap vodka because this doesn’t seem like a Pinot kind of scene.

Meanwhile, Marianna is catching up with Kelsey. You remember Kelsey? The Skittle addict? She is fresh out of rehab and drinking beer because she learned a lot about chemical use and abuse while she was away.

We leave the adolescents to make poor life choices and head to the Dining Room of Discomfort where Lexi’s mom, Sonja, says, “When Lexi asked for our permission to date Jesus, you can imagine our hesitation.” Stef and I suspect the judging is about to begin but it turns out that Sonja just has general dating concerns. Lena suggests rules about curfews and closed doors and Sonja suggests supervised visits and then there is a knock at the door.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

A plot device.

Enter Stef’s dad, Frank, who says, “I didn’t realize you had company and thought this scene needed drama for drama’s sake! Did someone say halibut?” Lena has obviously forgotten that Stef is upset with her dad because she invites him to join them. I am very disappointed in Lena’s ability to read Stef and more disappointed that Frank can’t read the situation and stays. Somebody pass Stef another bottle of wine.

Mike finds Brandon after his audition and asks how it went and Brandon says, “You were late and you stink of booze!” I know we don’t have smell-o-vision or anything but I thought Mike actually looked like he smelled of booze. Brandon explains that he messed up and Mike gets his white Mustang to drive right into the audition room so he can save the day!

Back at the Foreclosure Party, Marianna tells Kelsey that Lexi and Jesus are dating and that Lexi’s parents are having dinner at her house. Kelsey wonders if they are talking about the morning after pill. Marianna is stunned and Kelsey explains that she is the go to gal for pills but she couldn’t help with that one so they went to Lena and Stef. Marianna begins to drink the Kool-Aid.

Back at the Dining Room of Discomfort, Frank says, “So, Jesus, tell me about this camp.” I hate this conversation before it begins and wish I had a solo cup of vodka. Stef says they aren’t sure they want him to go to camp. Sonja explains that it’s going to be fun because of the Christian Frisbee and Stef says they have a difference in core values and I want Stef to stop talking. She explains that she doesn’t want Jesus to hear anything about how people think his mothers’ relationship is wrong. Sonja shakes her head and says, “No, no, no. We totally support this family.” Frank says, “You do?” and I say, “Shut up Frank!” Ernie says, “Of course we do. What’s more Christian than family?”

Digression 6: This is a great message. It is and the scene was contrived. The writers were trying too hard to drive home a message and my head hurts from being hit with it.

At the Foreclosure Party, everyone is drunk but Callie. There is a Close Encounters of the Red Solo Cup Kind situation going on in the living room as someone has built a giant tower of them and then drunk guys barrel through them while Callie captures it all for Instagram. Something gets broken and Wyatt is all “BREAK EVERYTHING BURN THIS PLACE DOWN RAWR!” He goes upstairs and Callie finds him destroying his old bedroom with a crowbar. He breaks a table that wasn’t there earlier in the day and then bashing the ceiling light. What did that ceiling light ever do to you, Wyatt Hair Model Leif Garrett? Wyatt’s having feelings which makes Callie have feelings but I have no feelings at all because the actor who plays Wyatt is so bad that it’s completely unbelievable. Or I am dead inside. Reader’s choice.

Callie then delivers what is supposed to be the ultimate in emotionally manipulative monologues, “It’s just a house. It’s not you or your family or your childhood. It’s just a house.” Callie sells the scene but Wyatt is writhing around in her lap and overacting to the point that I had to turn away. Wyatt then pries part of his mural out of the closet and suggests they leave. Callie looks for Marianna but finds Talya instead. This is a house of horrors!

Back at the audition, the uptight teacher tells Brandon he’s lucky to have such a “relentless father.” Are we supposed to think highly of Mike now? He got drunk, fell asleep, made Brandon late for his audition and then bullied the teacher into giving Brandon a second chance. It’s gross. How’s that for intelligent commentary? Brandon doesn’t get the scholarship but the teacher agrees to take him on at $150 per hour, 2 hours per week.

Speaking of yucky guys, Frank is still yapping about the church and it’s view of The Gays and he tells Sonja and Ernie that the church is not in favor of same sex marriage because devout Catholics like the Riveras have no clue as to what the church says on the matter. Sonja says, “Well, we are.” Thank you, Sonja. Now, can we all agree that Frank is not dinner party material? Finally, Jesus speaks up and says, “Seriously moms, have some faith in me.” I’m not dead inside because this gave me feelings.

Digression 7: My son recently asked, “When I get to high school and meet a girl I like, do you think having two moms could hurt my chances with her?” I know how Stef feels and we have to let our kids go out into the real world and face bigotry on their own and hope we’ve given them what they need to do it.

At Wyatt’s House of Chaos, Callie waits for Marianna to come out of the bathroom and snaps pictures of people drinking and painting and all I can think is, “I hope those pictures aren’t going to a shared photostream.”

Digression 8: Photostream can be dangerous. I know because Luisa was in Africa and texted me asking, “Why is our photostream filled with pictures of your hair and the cat?” I’m wild.

Callie continues to snap pictures and a buff guy in a gauzy white shirt enters the frame and Callie says, “Liam.” This must be the only party in San Diego. Maybe Callie will wake up and say, “But it wasn’t a dream. It was a place! And you, and you, and you, and you were there!” Sarah the foster kid told Liam that Callie was asking about him and he says, “You miss me?” in a way that tells us that Liam is not a nice young man. Callie starts to walk away and Liam grabs her by the arm and tells her to stop asking questions and stay away from Sarah. Wyatt and Marianna join Callie and they head out. The way Callie leads Marianna down the stairs is so gentle and sweet. The non-verbals were perfect. Callie sees Talya dancing drunkenly with guys and asks Talya to walk home with them but Talya says she’ll be fine and I have a bad feeling that that she won’t be.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Frank is finally leaving and says, “That halibut was great.” Everybody drink for the halibut. Frank points out that Stef never asks him to dinner and she tells him he’s welcome anytime as long as he calls. I don’t want him to come to dinner ever again as long as I live or Stef lives or the show lives. He apologizes to Stef for the youth minister thing and driving a wedge between her and God. He leaves and Stef says nothing. I care more about the wedge between him and her than her and God. Lena comes outside and asks if Stef’s okay and Stef tells her that Frank apologized. Then, Stef says, “I think it’s fine that Jesus goes to the Jesus camp. They named it after him, right?” Even Stef can’t resist a Jesus joke.

Mike and Brandon are having burgers in a sports bar because this episode was a little short on gender stereotyping. Brandon thinks that $1200 per month for piano lessons is too much but Mike still has his white Mustang so he is sure he can pay for it. He’ll pick up extra shifts and get a second job working security. He ends his pitch with, “Let me be the hero for once.” I hate it. I can’t even hate it articulately. Just ugh. Hate.

Callie and Marianna arrive home and Lexi and her parents are still there. Callie gives Marianna a piece of gum and says, “Chew and maintain.” and I find their interaction kind of cute because they are not my drunken minors. The dinner party people hear them come in and ask them to say “hello” so they say “hi” and then Callie says it’s time for bed but Sonja hasn’t had enough drama for one night and wants Marianna to join them. Marianna stumbles a little and Stef is all, “Oh hell no! This night just won’t end!” Sonja mentions that Jesus is going to camp and invites Marianna and she says, “What? You’re gonna let them spend the night together when you know they’re having sex.” Worst. Dinner Party. Ever.

The Riveras leave and will likely never return to the House of the Rising Sun. See what happens when you make teen brothel jokes, Stef? Stef and Lena try to talk to Marianna but she is drunk and cuddling with her teddy bear. They head to their room and Lena says, “We should have made her take the nose ring out.” Yeah, Lena. Studies have shown that nose rings are the leading cause of underage drinking. Callie enters and I am ready to judge the hell out of whatever Stef and Lena say to her. Lena asks whose idea it was to go to the party and Callie squirms and Stef asks if it was Marianna’s and Callie confirms that it was. They thank Callie for not drinking and getting Marianna home safely and I want to hug them all because Callie is earning their trust and they are earning mine.

Callie goes to her room and places some ibuprofen and water on Marianna’s nightstand. She crawls into bed and gets an Instagram notification. Liam posted an Instagram pic and tagged her. It’s a picture of a tree and he says, “Isn’t that the tree outside your window?” The plot thickens.

Overall impression: It was contrived and there were too many dramatic layers.

Favorite line: “We’ll do our best to assure them we’re not running a teen brothel.”

Really? Did they have to do that?: I’ve had enough of Wyatt.

“The Fosters” Episode 105 Recap: Remember When You Used to Love My Chimichangas?

Episode 5 opens in the Great Lesbian Kitchen where there is much milling… of people, not of grains. Lena comes in and immediately confesses that she forgot the guacamole! Stef says, “Remember when you used to love me?” and I say that all the time! Not to Lena but to Luisa and Luisa always says, “I still love you” but Lena says, “Don’t do that.” which is less endearing.

Lena, Lena, Lena – won’t you fill my bowl?

Jesus and Lexi are heading upstairs and that’s when I notice all the people – it’s a full house! But the kind without hearts, spades or the Olsen twins. Stef reminds Jesus that he can’t have a girl in his room unless one of them is upstairs which seems pretty lax because I don’t think he should have a girl in his room unless Stef or Lena is sitting on his bed. Jesus doesn’t want to hang out with Stef and Lena’s boring friends and I only now piece together that they are having a party. I thought maybe Bill the social worker had called again. Stef tells him to take out the trash and Marianna breezes in and implies that Lexi is the trash and erases all the good will I felt towards her at the end of last week’s episode. Lena is all, “Knock it off Marianna” and Marianna is all, “You can’t make me” and then Marianna takes cheese cubes to the living room. Marianna then spies with her little eye two more lesbos coming in with a teenage boy in tow.

Digression 1: He’s carrying a cake in a Tupperware container. Does Tupperware still exist? I haven’t seen one of those plastic cake things since I was but a wee lass growing up in the plains of Kansas.

Marianna is excited to see Cake Boy, who seems very familiar to me but I can’t place him. The Unidentified Lesbian Moms (ULMs) go into the kitchen and surprise! The cake is vegan! ULM1 compliments ULM2 for her cooking skills and then goes outside where Stef is apparently “womaning the grill” and Lena doesn’t say it with humor which means I hate it. Then, Jenna (ULM2) tells Lena that she and Kelly (ULM1) are having a rough patch and I think, “Damn. Eczema’s a bitch.” But she’s not talking about that. She’s talking about the kids and work and bills and routine and lack of sexy times and I want to ditch this show right this minute and go find my lady friend and have all the sex so that I don’t turn out like Jenna the Depressing Vegan Chef.

Digression 2: Jenna is wearing Keen Coronado shoes in brindle. I know because I just bought the same shoes. In a daring move, however, Jenna went with the brown laces while I went with tan. I am hoping that my tan laces shall serve as a talisman against suffering Jenna’s fate.

After the party, everyone is in the kitchen cleaning up and I mean everyone because Wyatt Earp is there too. We learn two things: 1) Cake Boy is participating in a poetry slam and they’re all going to go 2) Wyatt dries a mean plate.

Matching hair! It’s not just for lesbian couples!

Cue intro Montage of Family Emotion.

Next, Callie sees Mr. Earp out of the house because he has to get home to condition his lovely locks. Brandon tells Callie that Wyatt slept with Talya and then dumped her which makes Wyatt a bad guy. Brandon, have you met Talya? There were probably plenty of reasons to dump her. Meanwhile, Lena and Stef are upstairs folding laundry which is obviously the only thing they do in their bedroom besides sleep. Lena mentions that Jenna and Kelly haven’t had sex in over a year and asks when the last time they had sex was. We hear Jeopardy music while Stef thinks which is never good. So, they cuddle up with their phones to schedule a date night and decide that Lena will leave school early one day and Stef will take a late lunch and they will have some Afternoon Delight. Lena leans in for a preview and Stef says, “Do we have more of those antacids, sweetheart? Because your chimichangas are killing me.” And no amount of wishing on my part makes that a euphemism for boobs. As Lena and Stef discuss reflux, Jesus is eclipsing Lexi on her bed and as the music says, “Nobody knows how to get to the middle of you…” How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? Jesus is about to find out.

Marianna is painting her nails and Jude mentions that he likes the color and she offers to do his. This is such a sweet little interaction and it balances out her craziness about Lexi. Callie sees the nail painting, however, and tells Jude not to wear nail polish to school.

Digression 3: When my son was about 2, he loved to have his nails painted but, as soon as it got a little chipped, he wanted the polish off and new polish applied immediately. Since we do not have a full-time manicurist on staff, he sometimes had to wait. One day, he was upstairs in his room for a nap and I heard him yell, “Oh shit! Cottonballs!” I ran upstairs and was overcome with the smell of fingernail polish remover. He had taken it from the cabinet and was sitting on his bed pouring it on his fingers when he remembered that he should have used cottonballs. Ruined the mattress.

Callie teleports to Anchor Beach School for Chatty Teens where she asks Wyatt about Talya. He tells her they had sex but Talya got weird and controlling afterwards so he broke up with her and, as much as I don’t like Earp, I believe what he says about Talya. Wyatt then asks Callie out and she accepts.

Jude and Friend are talking about fishing and Friend steps away for a moment and Bullies arrive and make fun of Jude’s nail polish. They push him into a locker and a teacher intervenes but Friend has seen the whole incident and he and Jude exchange looks but I have no idea what the looks mean.

Lexi and the Lollipop Kid are at the beach talking about the previous night’s exploration of her middle and she worries about being pregnant and I shake my head because I’m certain Stef covered this in her Great Works of Literature Sex Talk Series. Speaking of Stef, she is checking out the sensual massage oils at the pharmacy. She gets in line to pick up a prescription and the woman ahead of her is getting a prescription for the Morning After Pill. Stef pays for her ugly lavender lube and leaves the store to find the Morning After Pill woman giving the pill to the Lollipop Kid and he thinks, “Of all the gin joints in all the towns, she walks into mine.”

You can’t judge a lube by its bottle.

Real Lesbian Housewives of the Internet

Stef and the Lollipop Kid return home and Lena descends the stairs. She’s not nude descending the staircase but she is wearing a robe and I think I saw her chimichangas. Stef tells Lena that Jesus and Lexi had sex, didn’t use a condom and he got some random woman in the pharmacy to get the Morning After pill for him. They send Jesus to his room so they can figure out what to do next and it’s clear that “what to do next” is not going to involve the lavender lube. Stef wants to give Lexi the pill but Lena doesn’t. Lena says, “I’m her vice principal!” They discuss teen pregnancy, abortion, adoption and they are growly and disagreeable and Lena goes upstairs to change.

Kids ruin everything.

Garrett the Cake Boy and Marianna return from a showing of “On the Road” and Marianna is frustrated because she thought it was a date but Garrett didn’t seem to think it was a date and Callie says, “Do you really want to date someone whose pants were tighter than yours?” and Marianna laughs and I think Callie shouldn’t judge Garrett and his pants when she is dating Teen Fabio.

Digression 4: I finally recognized Garrett! He is the kid who won the NPR Snap Judgment story slam with the story about his lesbian moms. I loved him in that but he bugs me on this show. Maybe because he talks like a nerdy robot.

Jude is playing video games and Lena asks him if he is okay after the incident at school. Callie butts in to tell him once again to take off the polish and Jude leaves in a huff. Not to huff. Hopefully. Callie tells Lena that the world is not like life in the Charming Lesbian Craftsman and this isn’t permanent and Jude needs to be ready for the real world. Then, Wyatt Earp arrives and they head out for their date. Brandon asks Lena where they are going and she tells him, “Disneyland!” Really Brandon? You’re not that dumb. Then, Wyatt and Callie arrive at a beach house and Wyatt takes a key from a secret key-in-a-rock hiding place and it still feels like breaking and entering.

Jude is in the bathroom trying to take off the polish with a hand towel and Lena comes in to help and does not yell, “Why the hell are you using our good hand towels for that?!” like I would have.

Digression 5: I may just be bitter because, just last night, Luisa said, “Why is there red food coloring all over the bath mat?” and I sighed because I hadn’t seen it and had specifically told the kids not to use food coloring for their zombie movie and they did it anyway.

Lena starts taking off Jude’s nail polish with ohshitcottonballs and says, “When Stef and I are at home, we hold hands and kiss. Sometimes, when we’re out in a new neighborhood or we are walking home late or to our car, we won’t hold hands.” She goes on to say that she gets mad at people who judge and gets mad at herself for not taking a stand. She goes on, “If you are taught to hide what makes you different, you end up feeling a lot of shame about who you are and that’s not okay. What’s wrong is the people out there who make us feel unsafe.” I have nothing snarky to say about this scene. I want to hug them both.

Wyatt and Callie are at the beach house and Wyatt tells Callie she has “an eye booger” and then offers to get it for her and goes in for a kiss. Thanks Wyatt! Now I know the key to getting in someone’s pants is to tell them they have an eye booger! Then, they hear a noise and Callie says something about his parents being gone and he says, “Yeah, this isn’t my house!” and I say, “AHA! I KNEW IT!” They run and police cars pull up and Callie is understandably upset because we can all agree that most dates shouldn’t involve trespassing and/or breaking and entering. Callie calls Brandon who picks them up from the scene of the crime.

Digression 6: My first lesbian date ended on the roof of a small town Pizza Hut but she knew what we were doing because she helped me push the dumpster up against the wall.

Marianna goes to the poetry slam and there is a girl performing, “There’s a tiny bit of mustard in the crack of your frown…” and I have a horrible flashback to one of my first weekends in Minneapolis when my Pizza Hut girlfriend wanted to go see a performance art piece in which a man was going to drink his own urine. I did not wish to attend this event and I should have known right then that our days were numbered. The urine drinking divide could not be bridged.

Garrett asks Marianna why she’s there and she says, “I’m performing.” and I say, “I’m nervous.” Then, the mustard girl comes over and Garrett introduces her as Savannah and Marianna compliments her and Savanna dismisses her and I spend the next 10 minutes writing mean poems about Savannah. Marianna takes the stage and reads her poem and there is no mustard because the Fosters hate condiments and condoms, “Your smile is a flower on the garden of your face.” I had reason to be nervous. No surprise – Marianna does not win the poetry slam. She asks one of the judges for feedback afterwards and he tells her they were looking for something raw. But not like steak because of Mad Cow Disease.

Callie and Brandon arrive home and Brandon pouts and Callie thinks he hates Wyatt but he says, “I don’t want you dating Wyatt because I don’t want you dating anyone.” NO! NO! NO! I was clinging to the hope that this was not happening! I was misreading the signs! I was being paranoid! All of my denial comes crashing down on the darkened stoop of the Charming Craftsman. Callie tells him that this kind of thing happened before and the family sent them away. Brandon is as naive as I was 5 minutes ago and says that would never happen with the Fosters.

The next day at school, Wyatt (I can no longer call him Earp because Wyatt Earp was a sheriff and never would have stolen a key from the secret hide a key rock to seduce a lady) approaches Callie and tries to apologize and she’s not having it until she sees Brandon watching them and then she’s all, “Oh well! So what that I was on probation and your stunt could have landed me back in juvey! Let me kiss yo face!” Blech.

Jude is wading through a sea of people to sit down and have lunch. He’s all alone looking into his brown paper bag when Friend comes and joins him which is sweet but then we see that Friend has painted his nails blue and then we all cry. No? Just me?

The Lollipop Kid is at the beach with The Lollipop and it’s clear that she got the pill. Lexi tells Jesus that she likes him but they shouldn’t try to find the center of her lollipop anymore and he is fine with that and they kiss and remain my favorite kid characters.

Marianna is looking at pics on her lap top and gets a text from Garrett asking if she’s coming to the poetry slam finals and she goes into the bathroom and starts rummaging around for things…pills, peroxide, something in a ceramic dish. I think she’s going to dye her hair. Actually, I have no idea what she’s doing.

In the next scene, Jude is making a sandwich as Callie comes home from school. He says, “Their peanut butter is all weird and oily but it’s still kinda good if you add sugar.” I laughed so hard at Jude and the Battle of the Organic Lezzy Peanut Butter.

Organic natural lesbian peanut butter! Just add sugar!

Callie asks him why he is wearing the nail polish and he says he likes it and won’t take it off and she tells him not to get too invested in this family. She says, “You’re gonna get hurt.” and he says, “I already hurt.” Oh Jude. You are so much less creepy this week. Perhaps you’ve had some acting classes.

Lena, the Vice Principal of Reproductive Rights, is packing up (not packing) in her office and Lexi comes in and asks if Lena is disappointed in her. Lena asks Lexi about her mom and she says that her mom would be super mad if she found out the sinful lesbians killed her unborn baby.

Stef comes downstairs in a fine leather jacket just as Lena gets home and Lena says, “Were you gonna tell me?” instead of “You look hawt!” which is why they haven’t licked any lollipops lately. Turns out that Stef gave Lexi the pill without telling Lena. Stef says, “I did it so you didn’t have to.” and Lena says, “How generous.” and Stef says, “That’s not productive.” and this is the evolved lesbian equivalent of a knock down drag out. They don’t have time to exchange more “I” statements, however, because they have to go to the poetry slam but where is Marianna? Marianna comes down and she has pierced her nose and Stef says, “What happened to your face?” Jude asks if it hurt and Stef says, “Of course it hurt. You punched a hole in your face.” Lean stares at Marianna and finally regains her senses because POETRY SLAM!

At the slam, Garrett is performing a version of the piece from the NPR story slam and it’s watered down and weak here which is too bad but there are plenty of shots of the crowd looking moved. Afterwards, Marianna approaches him and tells him that he was great and he says that his moms are splitting up. I blame Jenna’s brown shoelaces and eczema. He asks about the piercing and she says she wants to be “edgier” and he tells her she’s “pretty great.” Too bad Wyatt didn’t tell him about girls and their eye boogers.

The car pulls into the driveway and all of the kids get out of it like it’s some sort of Queer Clown Car but Stef and Lena don’t get out because they need to talk about Jenna and Kelly. Stef says, “I’m sorry the way I handled the pill thing. Not the giving part but um…” and Lena says, “And I’m sorry I forgot to buy your guacamole.” Stef calls her a saint and then a “hot saint” and they start making out and then Lena says, “Let’s take this somewhere a little more comfortable…” and Stef climbs into the back seat and Lena launches herself onto her like a lesbian big cat in genie pants! Lesbian moms do it in the car! Damn. I really need to get rid of my Yaris.

Lesbians drive a stick shift.

Overall impression: Not nearly enough time spent on the Lena/Stef storyline though I’m happy they got it on at the end.

Favorite line: “Remember when you used to love me?”

Really? Did they have to do that?: Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Always the Brandon and Callie thing.

“The Fosters” Episode 104 Recap: The One With The Quinceañera

Episode 4 opens with a shot of a pink puffy dress which is not to be confused with a pink puffy heart because we all know those are better. Marianna is trying on the dress while Lena and Lexi coo and make clappy hands. The owner of the dress shop smiles and says something in Spanish and Lexi translates for all of us and says, “She’s asking if your father’s tie is gonna match your dress.”

Saddle up buckaroos! This is going to be a bumpy ride!

Marianna freezes and Lena thinks, “Coming out to the dressmaker was not covered in the Lesbian Mom Manual!” Lexi saves the day (if by “saving the day”, we mean “outing”) and says, “She’s dancing with her moms.” On cue, Stef the Cop Mom enters in uniform and gives Lena a smooch on the lips.

Marianna is changing and Lexi says she wishes she had two moms throwing her a quinceañera and says, “My parents refuse and we’re Latino.” Marianna pauses and Lexi says, “I mean, so you are you but…” Dammit Lexi. Must you be so 15?

Marianna’s underwear proves Stef doesn’t work for the Fashion Police

Stef and Lena pay for the dress and Stef says, “$300 for a dress she’s only gonna wear once?” and Lena says, “We’ll cut it short and she can wear it to prom.” Yeah right. Stef asks Lena to reign in the spending just as Lena grants Marianna’s wish for a bubble machine. Dreams really do come true. Bibbidi bobbidi boo.

Digression 1: Are you happy, Deborah Goldstein? I changed “Steph” to “Stef” just for you.

In the Great Lesbian Kitchen, the family prepares dinner and Stef is in plain clothes so we can only assume that she is undercover. Brandon asks if Talya the Horrible can stay for dinner and Marianna asks if Lexi can stay and I’m no mathemagician but that’s a lot of people. Marianna brings up her friend Kelsey who tasted the rainbow of the non-gay variety too many times and ended up in rehab, which means there’s an opening in Marianna’s quinceañera court, so she asks Callie if she wants to take her place. Callie says sure and Talya wants to know who Callie will be dancing with and Marianna says, “Brandon.” Dun dun dun.

Later, Stef asks Brandon if things are okay with Talya and he says that they are and I say that I hate Talya but they don’t care! Stef then says what we have all wanted to say since Episode 1, “Brandon, listen. You know that…I’m assuming that you know that…well…you know foster siblings are not allowed to…to…I don’t know…hook up. I don’t know what you guys call it these days.” I’m surprised that the woman who could make the leap from Moby Dick to condoms struggles to say this but I’m willing to let it go because I am smitten with her. Brandon says he knows but we know that he doesn’t really know and we know that Stef knows he doesn’t really know but also doesn’t want to know that she knows. You know? Brandon leaves and Lena comes in to complain about her mother and Stef says, “She’s nothing but lovely to me.” Which is sweet and also not the proper way to comfort your partner when she’s having mommy issues.

Upstairs, Marianna and Lexi are talking about mariachi bands and mass and Callie is lying on her bed doing homework and heroically fighting the urge to roll her eyes and I am not as heroic as Callie. Jesus, who shall be called HayZ for the rest of this recap, walks by and looks meaningfully at Lexi and she says she’s going to “use the ladies’ room”. Stef! Where are you?! Kids these days don’t call it hooking up – they call it “using the ladies’ room”! We then get to see HayZ and Lexi using the ladies’ room.

This “ladies’ room” is lacking in ladies.

HayZ goes to his room where Jude is sitting on his bed doing nothing but looking creepy. Like Damien The Firestarter Omen creepy. Maybe the kid is just a bad actor but I’m not a fan of his knowing glances and silent staring.

Bad acting or foreshadowing of future possession?

Stef enters and says, “HAY-ZEUS!” and I say “Geshundheit!” She tells him that he’s being a good sport about Marianna’s party and then heads to Marianna’s room to spread the love.

Digression 2: Marianna calls Stef “mom” and, in the same conversation, Stef refers to Lena as “mama” so I think we finally have clarity on the name biz, though I realized why I haven’t cared about it at all. One of the first questions people ask me when they realize I’m a lesbian mom is “What do the kids call you?” Of all the questions someone could ask me about my family, that’s the least interesting one. Wouldn’t you rather know what I told my kid when he found a little something something in my bedside table?

Marianna and Stef discuss swag bags and Stef says, “You’re not embarrassed to dance with us at your party are you?” and she says it in this tiny voice and Marianna is in a tough spot here. Marianna smiles and tears up and we know that Marianna is embarrassed but we don’t get to see her tell Stef and see Stef’s reaction because we need to speed ahead and watch Callie eat apple slices at school the next day.

As she is eating, that weird guy from English class comes up to her, the one I completely omitted from the previous recap because he didn’t have any dialogue or a name and I applied Horror Movie Logic to him and figured he would be dismembered by a serial killer or just never show up again. I was wrong. He’s back.

Digression 3: On opening day of the Mall of America, I said, “This place will never make it.” That was 20 years ago and MOA is currently expanding. With my skills in prediction, Weird Guy will have a spin-off within a week.

Anyway, Weird Guy says, “That’s a sad lunch but I guess it beats prison food,” and Callie speaks for all of us when she says, “Really? That’s your opening line.” Weird Guy invites her to the beach Saturday night but she says she can’t because she has a thing and now I know that she’ll end up at the beach with him because I am smart and can uncover these subtle clues.

There is a quick scene in which all of Marianna’s court are learning to waltz and Talya looks on as Callie and Brandon dance together. Why is Talya even there? She’s not a justice on the Quinceañera Court.

It’s nighttime at the Charming Craftsman and the doorbell rings and Stef excitedly announces, “Everyone! Gram’s here!”

Gram. Graham crackers. S’mores. Yummy.

Gram comes in with hugs and kisses for everyone and mentions that Grampa is in Paris and Marianna wishes she were in Paris and Gram says that maybe she’ll take her someday. Then, Gram introduces herself to Callie and Jude and envelops them in hugs and says sweet things and I love her so much. I want her to take me to Paris and share a baguette and fancy cheese with me while we talk about the flying buttresses of Notre Dame.

Morning comes quickly and Stef walks into the kitchen in a lovely dark teal dress and Lena is standing there in an outfit that looks like something Rohu wear to a formal spawning.

Digression 4: I thought her top looked like fish scales and then Googled fish scale images for longer than I’d like to admit and learned a lot about Rohu which is a carp found in South Asia and I could make a fish joke here but will resist in favor of telling you that Rohu are in the genus Labeo and that sounds a lot like something else, don’t you think? The more you know.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

Stef and Lena kiss passionately. Gotcha! They don’t. Have you not been watching this show? Stef says they should dress up for each other more often which implies that they do not make full use of Stef’s uniform on the regular. Stef gathers party stuff. Gram and Lena snipe at each other about hair.

Callie comes downstairs in a long dark pink dress with a faux diamond belt and I hate it but who am I to judge? I’m wearing an A-Camp t-shirt and striped pajama shorts. Talya enters in time to see Brandon ogling Callie and, when Brandon leaves, Talya approaches like a Great White Shark on Shark Week RAWR and threatens to tell everyone about Liam.

At the party venue, Stef puts gift bags on tables and Mike gives Stef an envelope with a check in it or it’s a receipt for dry cleaning. Stef doesn’t want to accept it but he insists and Stef asks him if he’ll dance the father/daughter dance with Marianna. Mike is honored but HayZ is upset that Marianna doesn’t want to do The Dance of the Gay Moms. HayZ is my favorite and I’m inviting him to Paris.

Lexi gives Marianna a present – a framed collage of pictures and mementos from their years of friendship – and Marianna says, “Did you do that all yourself?” and I say, “What the hell, Marianna? It’s poorly clipped pictures and some movie tickets! My cat could do that!’ But, Marianna is more easily impressed than I and tells Lexi she loves her and Lexi loves Marianna and Joanie loves Chachi. Lena then gives Marianna a tiara and Marianna says, “It looks expensive.” and Lena says, “It was. Don’t tell mom.” Good luck with that Lena, We know that Stef does the bills because we saw her and her little checkbook last week.

In the Hallway of Teen Secrets, Lexi tells HayZ she can’t be with him because of Marianna. He says that Marianna is selfish and won’t dance with their moms and is still talking to their birth mom and, because he’s saying all of these harsh but true things, we know that Marianna is standing just out of sight listening to it all. We get a close up of Marianna’s face and she is so genuinely sad that my heart breaks for her.

Everyone is ready to enter the party but Lexi is missing. She appears and says, “Sorry. I was in the bathroom,” and Marianna says, “You’re going to the bathroom a lot lately.” Urinary tract infection or teen love? As they all get in position, Callie ditches Brandon for some random guy named Sam and Brandon is confused. They enter the party room and the DJ announces the father/daughter dance. Mike and Marianna take the floor and Lena and Stef stand by and watch and sigh…

Digression 5: Marianna obviously admitted to Stef that she was uncomfortable and they didn’t press the issue. It may seem like a small thing but it’s actually a very big thing. Kids of queers are so often visible without always having the choice. I support this parenting decision.

Mike and Marianna dance. Stef and Lena smile. I cry and hate myself every emotionally manipulative minute. While they dance, Brandon asks Callie why she switched partners and she tells him that Talya is awful and Lexi and HayZ process and Sam stands alone wondering if he’ll get as much screen time as Weird Guy because he’s at least got a name.

Then, Marianna and her court take the floor to dance and they all dance like Angry Disney Princesses on Ice.

Afterwards, Talya tells Brandon and Callie they were “so great” and I don’t think she’s being sincere. Brandon drags her out of the room and they argue and Talya admits she read Callie’s journal and he breaks up with her. I hope the Fosters don’t have a pet rabbit.

Marianna is in the bathroom applying lip-gloss like she’s punching herself in the mouth and Lexi comes in and Marianna is all “You’re a big fat liar and I’m not the biggest hypocrite in the world for saying that!’ Then, Marianna and Lexi break up.

Mike is taking advantage of the open bar and Stef orders two white wines before telling Mike to pace himself. He slurs, “It’s a party, Stef. Have some fun.” Geez Mike. Way to get personal. Everyone knows lesbians are no fun.

Gram mentions to Lena that the party must have cost a lot and that she knows money has been tight for them. Lena tells her the party was important because she wants Marianna to embrace her cultural heritage and be a part of the Latino community and Gram says, “Which, of course, she isn’t.” I fidget nervously but Gram ignores my discomfort and proceeds. “I’m just saying that being Latina isn’t just about the color of her skin.” Gram is right but I’m a Libra and want to step in and say, “I see that we’re all a little tense here…”

But Lena takes us further down the path of no return and says, “But being black is? For you, being black has always been about the color of a person’s skin.” Now, I feel like I am watching something extremely personal and it’s an important conversation and sometimes important conversations make you uncomfortable but I’d rather watch the squirrel outside my window because he’s scampering and scampering rarely makes me feel anxious. Gram says that “dark-skinned people have a different experience than light-skinned ones” and Lena says, “And by different, you mean more authentic.” I don’t think that is what she means at all, Lena. I think she’s talking about privilege but I will stay out of this because I have oodles of it. Lena admits that she has never felt accepted by the black or white communities and Gram says, “I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time being a beautiful light-skinned woman.” Gram fights dirty and lands one final blow, “Like it or not, you will never know what it’s like to be a black woman in America.” Technical knock out.

Digression 6: I once found a little blue submarine in my box of Cap’n Crunch and filled it with baking soda as instructed and it dipped and dove in the tub as advertised. This scene was like the little blue submarine. It was a pleasant surprise and it worked. As a community where many families are created through adoption, we should be having these conversations more often.

We next see Lena staring out at the ocean and Stef arrives with two glasses of wine and uses her special Lesbian Partner Powers to figure out that Lena is upset about her mom. Lena gives her the highlights and Stef whispers, “You know where you belong.”

Stef…what lovely goblets you have.

Digression 7: Has anyone else noticed how much Stef whispers? Endearing or annoying? I vote endearing.

Lena starts to cry and says she shouldn’t be crying because it’s Marianna’s party and Stef says, “This is her party but you can cry if you want to.” They both laugh and I whisper, “Stef, I love you.”

Back inside, the DJ tells people to find their seats and Stef gives a little speech about Marianna and HayZ bringing love into their lives and says, “And because a picture is worth a thousand words, we’re gonna watch this…”

They bring down a screen and the montage starts and I immediately start crying.

I guess we know who wears the bandana in this relationship

Digression 8: I often talk to my partner about my funeral montage. No, I’m not dying or obsessed with death – I’m just controlling and love a good montage. So, I’ll say, “This pic would be great for my montage!” or “Make sure to use this song in my montage!” I am a barrel of laughs. She’s probably going to leave me for Stef.

After the montage, Stef, Lena and Marianna ask HayZ to join them and they wish him a happy birthday and give him a pony! No, they don’t. They give him a stupid skateboard that I know for a fact cost much less than the dress and the party and the tiara and I am annoyed on his behalf. The rest of the family joins (Mike declines because he’s a drunk martyr) and Stef asks Callie and Jude to join and there is a cake and a mariachi band and hugs and yay.

Brandon tells Callie he broke up with Talya and then says, “I already know everything I need to know about you.” Callie is angry or sad or afraid she’ll drag him to the ladies’ room and swishes off.

Brandon runs into Mike who is drunk and offers to drive him home and, as they look for the car, Brandon spies Callie’s discarded slipper along with a giant pumpkin carriage.

Marianna sits alone looking sad/guilty/constipated and Stef and Lena come and sit beside her. Marianna says, “I’m sorry.” Stef says, “For what?” and I say, “How much time do you have Stef? I have extensive notes on her offenses.” Marianna says, “For being selfish.” Marianna says the party was expensive and they work hard and then she didn’t dance with them and this is the perfect end to this arc. Sometimes as parents, we hurt a little with the hope that our kids figure this sort of thing out on their own. The three of them hug it out.

HayZ tells Lexi he won’t let her leave without a dance, so they dance because she can’t stay there forever. Callie walks on the beach and finds the Weird Guy and his closing line is, “You look dumb in that dress.” Snap him up, Callie. He’s a shaggy-haired keeper!

As the show closes, Marianna, Stef and Lena twirl their cares away on the dance floor.

Overall impression: Liked it. Great use of music too.

Favorite line: “It’s her party but you can cry if you want to.”

Really? Did they have to do that?: Please, please, please stop the Callie and Brandon thing. I will give you my first-born. Actually, I’ll give you both of my kids because they have been fighting all day.