You Need Help: How To Navigate a Social Event with Your Ex
Welcome to You Need Help! Where you seek advice and we try our very best to give it.
This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.
For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Now let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we’re going to talk about appropriate social interactions with your ex.
This article was born from an Autostraddle formspring question that I stumbled across on tumblr during my nightly lurking-on-pretty-girls-with-pastel-coloured-hair and felt inspired to write about.
The original question, word for word is:
“You know what should be an article? How to navigate a weekend-long, large group social event with your ex (who you are on good terms with, but not like friends-friends and may want to hook up with)”
It should be said that my past experiences (which are obviously all I’ve got to go off of) could either be seen as ‘unconventional yet a nice thing to aspire to’ OR ‘royally fucked up in all kinds of Lesbian ways’. I’m very good friends, if not plain friendly, with ALL of my exes. This includes the many ex-boyfriends that I had throughout high school — even the last guy I dated before I dropped the L-bomb.
That’s not to say it has been easy. There’s always a bitter/angry/awkward breathing zone where space and time is probably best, however, I feel it’s kind of crazy to spend so much quality time and share so many life experiences with someone, only to just completely cut them out of your life all together once the romantic relationship is over.
But hey, that could just be me.
I’ve heard my share of horror stories; I just refuse to ever let it get to that point.
This has meant that in the past, I’ve forced myself to attend painfully awkward events such as my ex-girlfriend’s, new girlfriend’s birthday party….with my new girlfriend, JUST so that my ex and I could get back to being ‘good friends’ faster. Let’s get started!
Tip 1: Decide if your attendance is appropriate/if the invite was genuine
Were you invited to her sister’s engagement party before you two broke up? Is it an intimate birthday dinner for 5 for her best friend who you never really liked anyway?
Before you even ATTEMPT to navigate a social event with an ex, you should probably figure out whether you’re supposed to be there at all.
If you’re being invited because they (or a family member) feels duty bound, maybe sit this one out.
If you’re being invited but can already tell just by the headline of the Facebook event that its going to be awkward as fuck, don’t go.
If you think you’ve been invited to the ‘Housewarming of Beccy Boo and Tara Choo’ and have a feeling it could just be a stab at you — an excuse for your ex to rub in the fact that she’s moved into a cutesy little one-bedder with her new squeeze — you’re probably right. Click ‘Maybe’ and pretend you never saw it.
Tip 2: Bring backup – safety in numbers!
via photobucket
When attending a social event that is sure to feature an ex, no matter how long it’s been since you broke up, it’s always a good idea to have a wingman/woman.
There’s something very comforting and calming about having a close friend with you at these kind of things, someone who understands the situation completely and won’t leave you alone at any point during the night (unless of course you decide on a ‘Last Time’ rendezvous with the ex, which is not advisable, but if you must…)
Your plus one won’t only act as a social buffer when things get a little tense, they’ll also double as the perfect excuse for when you decide the whole thing was a terrible idea and you require an immediate exit strategy.
“We’re going to have to bail, [Wingperson’s name]’s new puppy Indie has just vomited all over the sitter and we should probably get back there…”
Tip 3: Leave the past in the past
Never, ever under any circumstances dredge up your past relationship in plain sight of all the other innocent party-goers.
This includes, but is not exclusive to:
– Calling your ex by her old nickname. Stop. Just don’t.
– Turning every story around so that it somehow relates to your ex. “Oh yeah that reminds me of the time Jess broke her nose when we went skiing…remember that Jessy?”
-Take jabs at your ex based on past grievances. E.g., “Oh really? That’s not what you USED to say Jess! You NEVER wanted to go to New York with me!”
– Get drunk and drag your ex into a room to discuss the in’s and outs of why you ever broke up in the first place. Pretty self-explanatory you’d think, but you’d be surprised by what future-you might think is a terrific idea after two carafes of sangria.
Tip 4: Play nice and act your age
If you simply MUST attend said event (it’s your own brother’s birthday party, mutual friend’s wedding etc. etc.), but you’re currently on shitty terms with your ex, then just keep it civil, for the sake of everyone else.
If you can’t stand the look of her then keep your space. I’m not suggesting you immediately about-face every time she joins a circle of people you’re talking with, just be an adult and avoid situations that could lead to a public argument or awkward situation for anybody else.
Remember, you once loved and respected this person. Respect them now and leave them alone and they’ll probably do the same. (That is of course unless they are an evil bitch in which case, why the hell did you date her in the first place!? Pat yourself on the back for cutting the ties before it was too late.)
Tip 5: Fuck everyone else, have fun
via kittenpictures.net
Regardless of whether you’re already double dating with your ex or you still want to throw hot oil in their eyeballs, it’s important to remember the social event you now both find yourselves attending is probably NOT about either of you or your past relationship.
Remember why you decided to attend in the first place — chances are it was to celebrate something or socialise with friends, so try to not think about or focus on your ex at all and concentrate on having a good time.
Besides, if at the end of the day all that’s happened is that your ex has seen you laughing, dancing and having a good time — then at least they’ll know you’re just fine all by yourself.
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5 Tips On Dating a Girl Who Is Only Kinda Sorta Maybe Out To Her Family And Friends
As somebody who is kinda sorta still in this position — despite dating women now for over seven years — I feel as if it’s almost my duty to offer you some insight and advice on how to make this less-than-ideal situation work for you.
To give you a bit of background, as far as my parents were aware I was straight, right up until I brought home my first girlfriend. It went a little like this:
Me: Dad, this is Stef. She’s staying at ours tonight.
Dad: (looking at Stef, who had a shaved head and was wearing a t-shirt that read ‘Saturday Night Beaver’) Hi Stef. Can I get you a drink?
And Stef stayed at ours pretty much every other night for the next 3 years.
That being said, nothing regarding my sexuality was really openly declared or spoken about until we broke up, at which point it became hard for my family to have a conversation at the breakfast table due to the horrendous wailing coming from my bedroom.
Since then, I have dated other women, one guy (it was a weird time in my life okay) and finally, my current girlfriend Tahlia. Whilst the ‘L’ word still hasn’t been brought up, I now bring Tahlia to all of my family events, refer to her openly as my girlfriend on Facebook and upload photo upon photo of her doing cutesy things like ‘sleeping’ and ‘wearing a hat’ to Instagram, followed by 52 love heart emoticons.
Put simply, everybody knows — even if we don’t refer to it specifically. Interestingly, however, when I first started dating Tahlia, she was a few years behind me on the coming out timeline. A good four years my junior, she had moved to the big smoke from the coastal town she grew up in and although her mum was all over it, other family members and childhood friends still were none the wiser. This made for an interesting first few months, especially as for once I was the “friend” who was suddenly making appearances at family functions, something I’d never experienced before.
To those who are experiencing similar situations, I give you my 5 top tips to surviving the awkward “This is my…..friend….” stage.
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How to Date A Girl Who Isn’t Really Out Yet
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1. Be understanding
via cutestpaw.com
My number one tip with a situation such as this is to put yourself in their shoes and try being a little bit empathetic.
Yes, it can suck having to be the “dirty little secret,” or not being able to shout your love from the rooftops but remember what it was like for you when you were first trying to figure things out. “Confusing,” “scary” and “overwhelming” are just a few adjectives that spring to mind. At the end of the day, if they care enough about you then they will want to share it with their family and friends but pushing them into a conversation they aren’t ready to have isn’t going to do anyone favours. Ask her about her reasons, and genuinely try to understand them.
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2. Get familiar with the ever-changing privacy settings on Facebook
via giggledaily.com
As someone who is a huge Facebook-er (if you ask me, ‘Checking In’ to a venue comes right after ordering the food and before the first sip of a drink) it was very tricky trying to remember what I could and couldn’t put on my Facebook wall…or more importantly, her Facebook wall.
Uploading photo albums of your sneaky little trip up the mountains and tagging her in every single shot probably isn’t going to go down well if she still hasn’t told Aunty Sue and Cousin Felix that she’s now decided men aren’t really her thing. If in doubt, just don’t upload it.
As for the official Changing of the Relationship Status Ceremony, that’s a whole different ball game. Take my advice and compromise with “Is in a relationship” and be happy to leave it at that. Six months down the track and I still haven’t managed to convince Tahlia to publicly link our profiles.
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3. Make an effort with their family and friends
via cat-lovers-gifts-guide.com
Whether the family is gay friendly or not, it pays to make an effort with them if you happen to be invited along to an event. Remember, this is a huge deal that you’ve been included, especially if your partner isn’t out. If you spend Sunday roast sulking on the couch because she won’t hold your hand except for under the dinner table then you’re only going to leave a bad impression behind.
Ultimately, all the family want is for their little Sally or Sarah to be happy (hopefully, at least), and if they believe you to be a warm and caring upstanding citizen of the law then chances are it won’t sting as much when Sally/Sarah breaks the news to them later down the track. Think of it as scoring overtime points before the game has even begun.
via myspace.com/rebelofcourse2
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4. Ease her into the gay scene
Now I can’t speak on behalf of everyone but I can tell you, as a Sydney-sider, the lesbian scene is pretty fucking insane. Not only that, but going out in the lesbian scene requires a certain level of confidence… or at least seven tequila shots before leaving the house.
A Wednesday night in Newtown can be anything from a few quiet ciders at the pub, surrounded by 80 of your closest lesbian friends/ex girlfriends/current girlfriends/women you used to share a dog with to a 4am sweaty grind up and down the Sly Fox stage where you get home only to find your clothes reeking of Amyl.
May I suggest that if your ladylove isn’t fully out and proud just yet, chances are they aren’t going to be so comfortable at one of the said lesbian nights. In fact, you may scare them off entirely. Perhaps start off with a daytime pub lunch with a few select lesbian friends and see how you go from there.
via photographysaga.com
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5. Don’t take it personally
Finally, if there is anything I can urge you not to do, it’s to try not taking it all so personally.
“What do you mean?” I hear you shriek, “How can I NOT take this personally? She is clearly embarrassed of me/doesn’t love me enough/doesn’t see the point telling her family as it’s not going to last anyway….”
Stop right there! You can’t think like that because I can almost guarantee you it is simply not the case.
Believe it or not, she is probably not 100% out to her friends and family for reasons that have absolutely zero to do with you personally.
You taking it to heart is only going to make you feel like shit and make her feel pressured to prove you wrong by telling everybody you’re together, something you’d rather she do on her own terms, in a positive light. Believe me.
Give her time, give her love and support and when she’s ready to whack the rainbow flag bumper sticker on her car, then she will.
You Have A Lot of Feelings: The Wonderful World of D&Ms
If there is one thing lesbians love more than cats and beanies, it’s talking about their feelings. Or as we Aussies like to refer to it — “D&M.” “D&M” stands for “deep and meaningful” and these little chats can be broken down into many categories — which I’ll touch on in a second.
Most of us have been guilty-as-charged for instigating D&M at some point, and I’d say all of us have been unlucky enough to get stuck in one. More than 95% of the time they’re shared between two severely intoxicated people, which kind of warps the levels of ‘deep’ and ‘meaningfulness’ until more often than not you’re D&Ming about nothing of importance at all.
We all have deep and meaningful conversations from time to time – some D&Ms are inevitable and even people like me need to have them occasionally. I’m here to help you optimize the effectiveness of your emotional conversation.
D&Ms can usually be broken down into a selection of two or more of the following categories:
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An Emotional Confession of a Private Matter
As we all know, alcohol is a depressant and these ‘emotional confessions’ tend to be hiccuped out through tears and bubbling snotty noses. We’re talking heinous things like, “I slept with your girlfriend whilst you two were on a break last year,” or even the far too personal over-share kind like, “I can’t get off unless I picture Bette and Tina baking cakes.” Emotional confessions are the kind that leave YOU exhausted. You walk away feeling heavy, gagging for a G&T so of course head straight to the bar.
A Better Time to Make an Emotional Confession of a Private Matter: Any confession of wrongdoing should be saved for a calm, controlled, sober environment, ideally in the room of the person who’s about to punch you in the face. Whatever you do, don’t unload something intensely private onto someone who doesn’t love you unconditionally, because you risk the person you confess to avoiding you at all future parties for the rest of time.
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A Love Confession
This type of D&M usually comes after a year or two of secretly pining after someone. You’ve managed to convince yourself its best just to keep the obsession to yourself for two years now, but that last glass of red wine — the one that’s given you sexy purple teeth — really put you over the edge. Now you’re cornering the person in the bathroom, trying to explain to them the extent of your adoration.
“No, no you listen. I love you. Like, love love you. I have since that first time we did group work in first year uni…”
A Better Time to Make a Love Confession: The jury is out on this one — many advise “never” is best. There’s a reason this was our April Fool’s Day post, after all. But if you just can’t keep it in, we have an article for that.
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A Friendly Love Confession:
Love confessions can also be directed at your mates. At a music festival recently I became overwhelmed with the live music, the lights, the friends around me and the fresh air (or perhaps it was the cocktail of margarita slushies and whatever else I’d ingested — who’s to know). Point is — I was all loved up. I slung one arm around my best friend to my right, my other arm slinked over the shoulder of another friend to my left and I pulled their heads in until we were all touching cheeks.
“Do you know how much I love you guys? No but seriously!” They of course loved me too, they just also wanted their faces back.
A Better Time to Make a Friendly Confession: Actually, this one might be okay. Just, you know, be brief. At least if you’re friends with me.
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Sorrow Share
These D&Ms are often the worst. You haven’t got a clue why but for some reason, this person who you’ve maybe said three words to EVER — and they were “Is that your beer or mine?” — has decided to sit you down and tell you all about their little brother who was hit by a car when they were four. Yes, it’s awful. It’s the worst thing in the world to have happened but now you have to figure out the right thing to say and how the shit are you supposed to do that? The sorrow D&M is even worse when the person who’s opening up the floodgates is a random, because then even the foolproof hug followed by two long pats on the back before the breakaway is cringe-worthy and elongated. Especially if they start nuzzling into your neck.
A Better Time for a Sorrow Share: Therapy; with a best friend.
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The Mystical Verbal Diarrhea
This branch of D&M tends to happen more often when there’s been some smoking of the herbal variety, but is still a regular on the drunken D&M circuit. Unlike the majority of the other D&M branches, the verbal diarrhea can be shared between randoms or acquaintances. Lying on the ground with your hands behind your head, you find yourself getting sucked into a very intense conversation about the ‘amazing’ fact that trains can balance on those two little rails. “Fuck dude, it’s just crazy! Think about it!” The other will respond with another of life’s wonders and the D&M goes deeper and deeper until you’re both crying like babies at how lucky you both are to be alive.
A Better Time For A Mystical Share: There is no better time to have these conversations than exactly when/where you’re having them. Congratulations.
There are, of course, almost an unlimited number of additional D&M categories that can be mixed and mashed until you realise that somehow, you’ve ended up as one half of a conversation that is basically a clusterfuck of vaginas.
However, now that we’ve touched on some D&M categories, I believe we should open up our textbooks to page 54: “Instances where I personally believe it should be illegal to strike up a D&M.”
• At a concert/festival: This has actually happened to me; I managed to score free tickets to a Modular concert and one of my favourite bands, The Presets, happened to be playing. My girlfriend and I were front of stage going nuts and the chorus of my favourite song was about to come on when suddenly, a friend of a friend next to me taps me on the shoulder with puppy dog eyes and starts trying to scream something in my ear, motioning to me that she needs to talk. I’m not sure about you but I generally don’t go to concerts to have chitchats with the people in the crowd. Don’t. Ruin. My. Gig.
• In a movie: Same kind of deal. I didn’t just pay $15 plus a million additional dollars for popcorn and a monster frozen Coke to sit in the theatre and have a whispered D&M with you!
• In front of young — scrap that, children full stop: My seven year-old sister doesn’t need to know that you’ve got a badly ingrown hair on your bikini line that’s giving you grief. If you haven’t just given her nightmares, you’ve certainly given them to me.
• At work/on public transport: No matter how busy they look or how loud the background noise seems to be, your co-workers/people on the bus are most definitely eavesdropping; it’s kind of hard not to in such close proximities. If I don’t want to hear about the fact that you once peed your pants after a big night because you couldn’t get to the bathroom quick enough, then Colin from accounts sure as hell doesn’t want to either.
• In a lift full of people: Starting a D&M in a lift is almost as bad as letting a fart slip. Avoid at all costs.
• At a sporting event/game: If I give you my full attention so that you can have a D&M with me, how the shit am I supposed to know when they’re about to score a goal?
• During Sex: Finally and probably most importantly; never, ever, under any circumstances start a deep and meaningful conversation during sex. Not only do I not care that you’re petrified of clowns, but your blubbering really fucking kills the mood.
So there you have it. Hopefully I’ve just saved you from an embarrassing situation in the future.
If you think I’ve missed any ‘D&M No Go Zones’- please, share with the world and maybe, just maybe, we can all avoid the awkward too long pats on the back.
My Life In Concerts, Or How I Realised I Loved Women With Guitars
I’ve been going to concerts and gigs since I was a kid- mainly because my mother felt it was important I was “cultured” and believed exposing me to live music was a brilliant way of nurturing my imagination and creativity. Because of this, I was lucky enough to never be one of those girls at school whose parents made sure all concerts were chaperoned by a parent who would stand in the moshpit with ear plugs and their arms folded, whacking away any elbow that came within a 4km radius of our angelic little heads.
As long as I was dropped off and picked up at least 100m from the gates of the venue, I was all good to go. Some of my earliest memories of concerts include Australian manufactured ‘Popstars’ group Bardot, who I got to meet after the show- except I was such a lanky teenager, I had to duck down in front of Sophie Monk and Belinda Chapple so that they could be seen in the photo, Kylie Minogue, whose extravaganza I witnessed through squinted eyes because I was too embarrassed to whip out my glasses- they didn’t match my faux leather mini-skirt and one shouldered fuchsia tank top, and Destiny’s Child, who were so dazzling I started hysterically screaming and crying during their opening number because I was just so excited and overwhelmed with it all.
Other highlights have included Christina Aguilera (when she was still her hot, slutty and pants-less alter ego, X-Tina) and Simple Plan, where I took my wrist cuffs, NOFX t-shirt and teenage angst and stood in line for hours before getting slammed up at the front of the moshpit (if you could call it that) and fainting. I ended up needing to be yanked to safety by a burly security guard and doused by plastic cups of water- all before the No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls boys had even hit the stage.
More recently however, it has come to my attention that by documenting the gigs that I have attended over the last 10 years, the list could also read as a guide to my sexuality and the realisation that I am insanely attracted to women, especially ones with guitars. I have seen the following perform on one sticky stage or another in Sydney:
Tegan & Sara: Enough said.
Washington: Megan Washington is somebody I would like to take home to my mother. She twiddles about on stage in pretty dresses like a small fairy I found near my backyard pond and I just want to put her in my pocket and stroke her hair.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Karen O is a Goddess unlike no other. There are no words for her.
Crystal Castles: Alice Glass is so screamy and sexy, dripping in smudged mascara and leather, she makes you want to get so fucked up on drugs you forget your own name.
Little Birdy: “After Dark” was a song my ex and I would put on whenever the other wanted a little somethin’ somethin’. I once bought us tickets to a gig of hers and then as an added surprise, rolled up in a skirt without underwear. ‘After Dark’ was not required that night.
Florence & The Machine: I saw her perform at Splendour in the Grass last year and a few of my friends and I ended up being locked out of the front of the auditorium. There was no other option but to risk being thrown out of the entire festival by jumping not one, but two sets of fences. We ended up being chased by security, grabbing the tips of our hoodies but lost them in the crowd. It was worth it. She had that crowd eating out of the palms of her hands- she was the cult leader and we were her evangelists.
The Grates: Patience is like a newer, younger, less experienced Karen O. When she is thrashing about on stage, you cannot help but have a smile as big as the : D emoticon slapped across that ugly mug of yours.
An Horse: Despite there being some technical difficulties on the night of the show, there were enough lesbians in the crowd to make it feel as if you’d thrown your own house party, invited all of your closest friends and had somehow convinced An Horse to do a private show just for you.
Sarah Blasko: See ‘Washington’.
The Jezabels: My friends and I went from having Hayley, the lead singer, serve us beers at our local pub to drooling over her on stage. No one can pull off those high-wasted shiny American Apparel pants like Hayley.
Metric: Somebody once said that if I were to ever take my amazing (read: non-existent) vocal talents on the road, I’d look and act a little something like Emily Haines on stage. This is equally flattering and confusing. Flattering because she’s a mega babe and confusing because she’s a mega babe who I’d like to slip one to. Explain that one to me, Freud!
Warpaint: A band that contains that many attractive girls deserves to be mentioned. Also, Shannyn Sossamon was once a part of the group and that’s a reason in itself to mention the band. You can fuck me with an orchid all you want Shannyn and I won’t even be disappointed.
Regina Spektor: See ‘Washington’.
Katy Perry: Love or hate what she’s doing for the lesbian and gay community, my point is, she has a great rack.
And most recently, Kimbra: Those soft pillowy lips. Those bouncy curls. You’d croon me to sleep when I was too drunk to close my eyes wouldn’t you Kimbra? Wouldn’t you?
Did I mention that I saw Kylie, the Queen of the Gays, perform as a child? What chance did I have!
So how about you? Tell us about the concerts that made you realise.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
Playlist: Songs To Drown To
Your first love- almost as gut wrenching as your first heart break, just in all the wrong ways.
Unfortunately, a friend of mine has recently found this out the hard way.
Simply reading her text messages has been enough to take me back to my own first broken heart- and it’s not really a place I’d like to spend a lot of time in.
Something I do remember however is the feeling of waking up one day and just being sick of crying. It hits you like a slap in the face. You slowly drift from sleep into consciousness, bleary eyed, waiting for the pain to constrict your chest and the eyes to sting with tears as you remember the reality and….it just doesn’t come. Instead you get out of bed. You have a shower. You look in the mirror and you realise it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.
Are you still numb? Yes.
Do you still feel completely lost, operating on autopilot?
Unfortunately.
But for one reason or another- be it time, or total exhaustion or perhaps simply acceptance- it’s just not as hard to keep going on with your life.
This day is, of course, after countless days of weeping on your bedroom floor, of sad and then angry and then apologetic texts to the ex, of ten thousand refreshes of their Facebook profile, of embarrassing drunken visits where you bang on their door, throw rocks at their bedroom window and beg to see them.
But it does come. That day does come.
Inspired by heartache- I’ve come up with the following two playlists.
Playlist 1 is the drowning playlist- the one you whack on when the knife in your heart is still fresh. You need this period of continuous crying before you can even start to think about moving on.
Playlist 2 is to be played on that day. The day you wake up and realise, it isn’t always going to be this hard.
My darling friend, I hope this helps.
Credit: Lina Tesch
Playlist 1:
Breaking My Heart – Aqualung
Fix You – Coldplay
Run – Snow Patrol
Goodbye Waves and Driveways – The Rocket Summer
Delicate – Damien Rice
Hometown Glory – Adele
I Will Follow You Into The Dark – Death Cab for Cutie
Blood Bank – Bon Iver
I Gave You All – Mumford & Sons
Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye feat. Kimbra
The Scientist – Coldplay
Don’t Speak – No Doubt
So Here We Are – Bloc Party
Call It Off – Tegan & Sara
This Year’s Love – David Gray
I’m Still Breathing – Katy Perry
Stream this playlist via 8tracks >
Playlist 2:
Strip Me – Natasha Bedingfield
Go Do – Jonsi
A-Punk – Vampire Weekend
How Bizarre – OMC
Dog Days Are Over – Florence & The Machine
You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oats
Bulletproof – La Roux
Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
Yoo Hoo – Imperial Teen
Sleepyhead – Passion Pit
Waking Up In Vegas – Katy Perry
Hang Me Up to Dry – Cold War Kids
Helicopter – Bloc Party
Sunday Morning – No Doubt
I Saw The Sign – Ace of Base
Believe – Cher
Stream this playlist via 8tracks >
Add your own heartache tracks in the comments below.
Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit up Crystal on Formspring and someone on the team will make it for you.