“I’m Sagaree, alcoholic. I’m new.”
I introduced myself very briefly at an AA meeting on a hot, windless Saturday morning. It was in a church, as they all are, only this one was in Oakland, and this one was reserved for queer people of color. A QPOC-AA meeting, if you will. In every other AA meeting I had attended, I had sat shivering slightly, a bodily response to my own brownness, youngness, short hair and dramatic earrings. Here, I was greeted by the almost physical welcome of a space I related to, some older Black and brown women, some younger queers bearing overalls or ripped t-shirts, a couple people cradling babies in their. I sat, as inconspicuous as possible, among a collection of folded chairs, children’s easels, and “Big Books,” the AA’s Bible.
I had arrived just in time for us to read a story from the Big Book about a wealthy banker who became addicted to alcohol. I didn’t expect to relate to his story, but I did. We began to confess our own cavalcade of harms, wounds, and absurd behaviors, enumerating our transgressions against normalcy. One woman cleared her throat.
She had been coming to meetings for decades, and she, too, had a relateable story. Not the worst the room had heard in the day, and not the best. She had tried to come to meetings in 1980, and she had found it unbearable. She couldn’t, she said, speak in this way to a room full of straight people. So she returned to the outside world, to her debilitating drinking, to rejection from family and rejection from her church. In 1987, she said, she came again, and found they had Gays and Lesbians meetings now. Finally, a meeting for her, for her people.
“And that,” she said, “is where God met me.”
In the back of the room, I felt something meet me, too. I began to cry, doing my best to excise my conflicted, suppressed joy.
I had been searching for that something for a long time. I got sober alone, in a village about an hour north of Kampala, Uganda. I had moved there for a job opportunity, naively confident I, as an openly queer person with a mental illness, could flit across the globe like a moth. My mental health began to decline almost immediately, and as I parsed through the complex postcolonial dynamics of my own selfhood, I searched desperately for queer community in a country in the habit of inviting American evangelicals to rail against The Gays in front of the Parliament.
By the time I quit my job and scheduled an emergency move back to the United States, my drinking was threatening my life. I didn’t even consider attending meetings in the country, although later research revealed that there are two. That was my first lesson in the mechanisms of Alcoholics Anonymous: without some baseline trust in the people running the show, there are no twelve steps, or even a first step.
I tried, though, once I was back in the San Francisco Bay Area. First, in San Jose, in a LGBT Center LGBT-AA meeting filled with older white gay men — sweet, but very confusing. Again, in my hometown, where I found a meeting, drove to the parking lot of a Presbyterian church, sat silently in my car, and drove back home, unable to face the possibility of running into Indian uncles at an AA meeting. Then, in Berkeley, at a queer meeting where I sat tensely cross legged until two younger, androgynous looking queers wandered into the meeting, and I relaxed into the seat of my chair.
From Kampala, where LGBT centers can’t mark their doors for fear of violence, to the East Bay, where people regularly commute an hour to access queer- friendly meetings. Alcoholics Anonymous notoriously keeps very few centralized records, but Gay and Lesbians-AA lists 1,283 regular queer meetings in the United States, averaging 26 per state. Of those 1283, I found three meetings that were specifically for queer people of color. Only one in the San Francisco Bay Area, only one in New York City. I felt as if I were squeezing myself into the margins of a movement, marching at the very end of a long parade.
Alcoholics Anonymous’ methods and reach have both come under controversy in the past decades. The organization was founded in 1935 by a stockbroker and a surgeon, and it grew out of an Episcopal non-alcoholic fellowship known as the Oxford Group. It was the stockbroker, not the surgeon, who spread the gospel that alcoholism was a disease rather than a moral failing. In 1939, the growing organization published a textbook, Alcoholics Anonymous, that remains the organization’s Bible 80 years later.
The basic tenets, that alcoholism is a disease and that confessing one’s sins to god and country will aid in the fight against that disease, have not exactly been scientifically proven. If alcoholism is a disease, it’s a disease LGBTQ people suffer from at more than double the rates of the general population, a claim only a step away from the kind of biological essentialism that insists that queer people are suffering from a defective gene, or a malformed psyche. For some, alcoholism may be a biological predilection, but for many, many others, it is a set of circumstances so unbearable that the cycle of substance abuse becomes a welcome relief. Alcohol abuse is social and therefore exists on a spectrum that AA orthodoxy did not recognize. Although, these days, there is space in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for “problem drinkers,” those lucky souls who flirt with the depths of alcohol dependence, but may not have hit the proverbial rock bottom.
This is one departure from the 1935 original model, but in many other ways, the AA model has remained rigid. Even in the anarchic Bay Area, meetings begin with guidance from the Big Book, continue with confession, and end with the Serenity Prayer. The value of Alcoholics Anonymous depends on confession of sins—what Michel Foucault would call “one of the main rituals we [in Western societies] rely on for the production of truth—, abstinence from alcohol, and on honesty in the face of God and the Fellowship.
And in so many places in the United States, and the 175 countries that the AA model has spread to, it is simply not safe for queer people to be honest.
What might it look like to build models of care for alcohol abuse that, instead of just including queer people, begin with us in mind? Models that recognize the interconnectedness of social marginalization and alcohol abuse instead of pathologizing alcoholism? That commemorate the small victories of survival in a deeply homophobic world? That accept and even celebrate that sometimes, you have to hide parts of yourself?
As it turns out, AA is not the only model that responds to alcoholism. Scholars of the history of Alcoholics Anonymous’ program have pointed out that the program often eclipses harm reduction approaches, dealing with individual triggers to drinking, or prescription drugs such as naltrexone alter the effects of alcohol in the body.
I can imagine, in a small and hopeful corner of my mind, a version of my queer communities where resources for alcohol abuse are as abundant as alcoholics anonymous meetings, where folks like me could access naltrexone to dull the effects of alcohol or counseling on substance abuse triggers and strategies as easily as information on STDs. I can imagine the kind of guidance that usually comes from a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous coming instead from licensed and queer affirming counselors, and working one on one with experts to find triggers of binge drinking and work out safety plans, and a proliferation of LGBT specific substance abuse centers.
Parts of that vision are oddly terrifying, coming to me with jagged edges. I go to AA meetings, I have benefitted from the community there, and I have accepted a lot of the language for myself. I tell people that I’m an alcoholic, reciting my months of sobriety with a combination of pride and deep, dark exhaustion. But I imagine those idyllic sets of resources, and I feel a threat pushing at the edges of my words, my identity. Would I describe myself in the same way if, from the beginning, I’d had the support I needed? If I could simply take a deep breath and say that life became briefly unbearable, that I have experienced cruel depths of queer erasure and had no other strategies to cope, but now I have everything I need?
At least for me, Alcoholics Anonymous asked me for a kind of ill-fitting honesty, of accepting that I fundamentally have a problem. I still do not know how to encounter the term “alcoholic,” just as I once did not know how to encounter the term “queer,” the term “South Asian,” the term “bipolar disorder II.” I have accepted each and remade my life around them, come out of closet after closet, but each time, it has come with a sharpened consciousness of how my social world has failed people like me, and a burning need to see my worlds change to accept me. In my experience with substance abuse, I felt what it was for a substance to consume me, to become broader and deeper than my own conscious mind, and I knew that in a world without homophobia, racism, sexism, ableism, on and on, I would never have asked to be consumed in that way. I needed to come to terms with my own substance abuse, but even more, I needed to come to terms how it had been constructed along with, in conjunction with, other oppressions and struggles I have moved through in my short life.
And in that need, Queer People of Color Alcoholics Anonymous meetings have given me community, self- knowledge, and peace. I know that there have been many before me, and that within the AA and in the larger queer world, queer people struggling with alcohol have fought for space and recognition. Calls within AA for special interest LGBT meetings date back to 1970, before homosexuality was removed from the DSM in 1973, and Gay and Lesbians-AA was established in 1981. Today, queer cafes, bookshops, and event series offer crucial sober alternatives to queer bars, often based on community support.
To me, when queer folks struggling with multiple marginalizations gather, speaking to the complex dynamics of substance abuse along with the dynamics of race, gender, and sexuality, there’s something in the room that recognizes and accepts us in all of it, apart and together. To me, my Saturday QPOC AA meeting is something stronger, newer, and more precious than the founders of AA might have known. I know that this space is not available to everyone, and I know that there are alternate universes in which every QPOC person partaking in it was presented with a half dozen options apart from AA. But even as I dream of the abundance of those options, I choose to believe in that meeting. In the embodied warmth of the church room in Oakland, in the happy babbling of children, and in the clasped hands of queer people choosing to save each other.
The first time I built an identity into myself, I was 18. After eight years in my Indian immigrant community, I had moved to Austin for college. I remember Austin as all sky and dust and the smell of beef, a bubble mostly of white people planning kayaking trips. I had arrived a week earlier with new hair, new clothes, and the whole “College Dorm Room Essentials” collection at Target. My white, artsy new roommate and some of her white, artsy high school friends had invited me to dinner, and I was stunned with joy to be included. As we returned to the university, winding through farm roads, I watched the streetlights hover stubborn in the darkness before rushing past my roommate’s fuel-efficient car. I was ecstatic to be a new version of myself and also pining for home, describing a best friend from high school who happened to captain the Bhangra Team.
“The what team?” one of them asked.
“Oh, bhangra! It’s a type of Punjabi folk dance—“
“Of what folk dance?”
I don’t know if my friends were ashamed at their lack of multicultural prowess, but I was at once ashamed at my marginality. That was the first moment in which I realized my world was a tide pool: vibrant, hidden, painfully self- contained. I reeled, aware of a chasm between myself and these new people. I tried to explain for a moment, found no English words. In that moment, the first of many, I tried to explain myself to a white person, and I couldn’t. I was hollow inside.
That first time I learned an identity, discovered piece by piece that I was Indian, South Asian, Punjabi and Rajasthani, Hindu and Jain, a kaleidoscope of countries, histories, regions, languages, and holy books—it took years. I found classes on South Asia in the corners of my curriculums, applied to live in India for a month, and then three. I wrote pages of earnest, if terrible, diaspora poetry, began wearing my mother’s exuberantly gold jewelry as an insistence that it belonged to me as well. I remember, then, how deeply I would feel it when a spate of death in Pakistan or a hate crime against a Sikh man in Central Valley went uncovered in mainstream news. I would retreat to bed for days, simmering in a pain made absurd by others’ continued functioning.
I found a different self slowly, learned to exist as if with many different goggles on at once. Always speaking from my mother’s kitchen in the Silicon Valley and, at the same time, my grandmother’s crowded living room in Punjab. In these years, I would feel the sharpness of many kinds of difference, marginalization. But when I looked down at myself for signs of why I felt so other, all I would find was the color of my hands.
The second time, I was 21, at an activist training camp for South Asian youth called Bay Area Solidarity Summer, stealing a moment away from my new community with a person I had met three days beforehand.I had known the first time I saw them, their peacock-feather hair sparking against their deep brown skin, that they had something new for me. Everything about them was exuberant: a shimmer of blue-purple light untethered by gender. They led me around a corner to a corridor papered with a timeline of Radical South Asian History, and then their face was framed by the stern visages of turbaned revolutionaries, a century’s worth of grotesque political cartoons, and shots of brown bodies marching, animated by rage and hope, holding up fists and rainbow flags. My new and beautiful friend asked to kiss me, and the spark that ran through my body changed me. Took my fingers from me and taught them new ways to want. My body became aware, precise, an instrument suddenly in tune—
That second time was harder. Faster, but knife sharp. I knew that I had lived 21 years jangling with sharp notes, and that I had been made fragile and ashamed by people who loved me. It was too much. I cried every day for a month. I searched my middle school Gchat history for “queer,” and then “bisexual,” and then “gay,” finding some artifacts of myself but mostly just casual homophobia. I read through every article on Autostraddle until one, “To All the Girls I Loved Before I Knew I Could,” jerked tears from me and showed me what I was mourning.
I cut my hair. In the fall, into a bubbling mess of shoulder length curls I later learned was called the Bisexual Bob. In the spring, to a chaotic “short” that sat in a spiraling nest on my forehead. A full year later, I had moved to New York and still found myself staring at my reflection in shop windows, testing how my tongue curled when I said the word “queer.” By then, my hair was shorn down to Tinker Bell bangs that I wore with winged eyeliner and flamboyant Indian earrings. On good days, I felt my skin sparkling with otherworldly energy, and I wondered whether people passing me on the street found me, too, a genderless shimmer of light, a thing of flighty and unspeakable beauty.
The third time was yesterday. In a counseling center in midtown Manhattan, looking into the open face of the only queer South Asian therapist I’d ever heard of, let alone met. She had huge eyes and bangs swept to the side. It was the third, maybe the fourth time I’d left work early, scurried two blocks downtown dodging whistling men and uniformed tour guides, and traveled 10 floors up to a windowless room with two armchairs facing each other from opposite corners.
My therapists eyes were wide with concern and gravity. “From how you describe your depression, it sounds a lot like Bipolar II.”
I began to leak tears and sentiment, thinking out loud through six years of “lows.” Days and weeks that passed by as if a complex play, me acting out my character with dead eyes. Or shifting from miserable to ecstatic to fascinated to bitter in the span of hours. A decades’ collection of comically sad music, a history of uncontrollable rage, and, of course, moments of overwhelming hope and optimism, achievement, nice little cycles of what they call “high functioning.” But threaded through all of it, pulsing like a heartbeat, was the sense that perhaps I did not have to live at all. When a friend cancelled plans, when the train was late, when I got back four good grades and one bad one. “Perhaps I do not have to live at all.” I spent years of my life refusing to believe that I was unwell, singlehandledly battling back a sadness I shouldn’t have borne alone.
I spent my commute to Brooklyn fidgeting and on the verge of tears, Googling bipolar, mania, rapid cycling. I walked home, had three beers, and cried in earnest at all the time and joy I had let drain from me over the years. Salt still dried on my face, I stood very still and considered my body: old cut scars, new stretch marks, muscled from occasional yoga, the tattoo still raised on my shoulder that read, “Loves herself. Regardless” in my own handwriting. I called a friend, family really, who I trusted to confirm my gut level affinity to these words. “Bipolar Depression.”
And then I slept, newly committed to the task of Living With Bipolar. With the feeling, now familiar, that I was about to learn care for a new part of myself.
All this to say. Somewhere along the line, on the rocky and winding path of becoming as a young person consumed by silent violence, I learned that identities are things that are practiced. They are pins you affix to your lapel as a reminder that you are skilled and versatile, that your pain is always becoming power: a reminder that you have remade yourself.
And — life being unpredictable, healing being endless and non-linear — you continue to do so. “Identities” are not passive or static, identities re-align in every place I am in, identities are crucial but insufficient for the enormity of a human self. Living with my identities hovering over me like angels and demons challenges and sharpens me. To wear them loudly is a badge of shared pain, an invitation to commiserate — a reminder that, voluntarily or not, you remake yourself all the time.
I have bad mental health days, bad queer days, and bad brown girl days. I keep track, on and endless loop, of my requirements for queer space and trips to spice stores. I feel myself to be brown, queer, sad, and strange, and a skilled practitioner of each, moving carefully through the world to protect my energy.
And then, on some days, I feel myself to be nothing at all. When I am alone, mostly, maybe sprinkling chili powder into bubbling yellow lentils and watching it thicken on the surface. Painting my wall deep red and watching the thickness of acrylic paint settle, alight, become fire. Or finding just the word to adorn a poem as its title. In a therapists’ office, I might call it hypomania. After an organizing meeting, I might cite Audre Lorde, call it a “Use of the Erotic.” But alone, with no pins on my lapel, the feeling just is. Powerful and immersive. The whistle of morning air and the dimming crackling of fire. Like the granite of a mountain glowing purple in the sunset; untouched snow scattered on its peak.