How I Learned To Enjoy Receiving (In Honor of ‘The Giver’)

Chappell Roan’s long-awaited single “The Giver” dropped last week, but it’s been playing in my home for months thanks to my girlfriend, who has been walking around singing it on a loop ever since Chappell’s Saturday Night Live appearance last November. And who can blame her? It’s not every day that a country song about lesbian sex gets released, and it feels especially special when coupled with a rise of sapphic line-dance parties like Stud Country and Buckwild, and artists like Chappell herself are topping the charts. But “The Giver” didn’t just get stuck in people’s heads; it ignited this quarter’s full-on lesbian discourse firestorm on TikTok. The song — and its promotional rollout — sparked a discussion on sexual identities within the lesbian community, with some claiming ownership of the lyrics to “The Giver” based on who should be singing them.

Lesbians, it seems, were quick to crown “The Giver” as a stone top anthem. Now, I’m not sure what led to this conclusion, since there’s specific criteria that needs to be met to call someone a stone top: the refusal or rejection of receiving. The song itself doesn’t exactly scream “touch-me-not.” Chappell sings about giving, sure — but nowhere in the lyrics does she suggest giving is her one and only jam or that she never wants to receive. No, “The Giver” is a song about a service top (or maybe even a service switch) who loves to give, and I’d argue it could just as easily be about anyone who enjoys the act of giving, regardless of how they identify. It’s about loving the game. It’s about being a giver, plain and simple.

If a stone top likes the song and it resonates with them, I think that’s beautiful. But to call Chappell a stone top and the song a stone top anthem? A reach! I try to avoid these online conversations like the plague. Unfortunately, my algorithm — much like a lesbian ex — keeps bringing them back into my feed. This is what I get for working in queer media. Hold space for me.

Now, my disdain for lesbian online discourse is rivaled only by my absolute loathing for poor media literacy. So, imagine my surprise when I see lesbians arguing about whether Pillow Princesses can even participate in a TikTok lip-sync trend for “The Giver.” And then, as if that wasn’t absurd enough, they began debating whether straight women can call themselves Pillow Princesses. Pretty soon, it became a full blown “see something, say something” of clocking bottoms based on appearances in a thirty second video. So now we’re equating femininity with bottoming and masculinity with topping. Great work, everyone!

The thing is, you can be a bottom 90% of the time and still love topping that 10%. And I know this for a fact because, a) I am a sexually active queer adult who’s well aware of life’s nuanced experiences, and b) I’m living proof of this. Sure, I top 90% of the time, but you bet your ass that if I had pipes and a pen like Chappell, I’d write a song about how much I love bottoming for a femme. Does that make me a Pillow Princess? Hardly.

Also, can we talk about how seriously people are taking carabiner signaling now? I know there’s cultural significance there but I’m genuinely asking — who has time for this? There are actual lesbians out there on TikTok policing whether someone’s carabiner is on the left or the right, and frankly, I’m confused. Do we not have more important things to do? News to catch up on? Families to raise? Rooms to clean? It’s a country pop song by a mega-famous, thin, white cis woman — stop making it your political cause of the week. Use all that energy to go top someone fuck’s sake!

I don’t mean to sound like a brat, but I think we could all benefit from a little more thoughtfulness when it comes to how we engage with media, especially queer media. A lot of Chappell’s fanbase has slapped the label of “stone top” on her without even a hint of subtext in the song’s chorus to back it up. It’s a mistake to take the sensuality that queer artists offer us in their art and twist it into something more or something different than it is. That’s a quick way to get them to stop giving us sensuality altogether.

But that’s not really what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to tell you the tale of how I realized I was not a stone top and how I learned to love to receive. Before I do, one last quick discourse-related note that I swear is relevant here…you can top with long nails! My girlfriend wears long nails permanently and I have never, not once, felt them inside of me.

Here’s how I learned to love to receive.

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I stopped operating in the binary

When I first came out as a lesbian, I was around 21 years old and very femme-presenting. I naturally gravitated towards masculine presenting lesbians on dating apps and at bars when I was first exploring. At no fault of the masc lesbian community at large, I had a few unfavorable experiences with some mascs who made me absolutely hate bottoming. But ultimately, this helped me realize I had some more exploring to do about my own identity (i.e. I was not a femme nor a bottom). Once I did some more digging and realized I was nonbinary, I allowed myself to shed the expectations of certain presentations and how they’d show up in the bedroom.

I healed from previous sexual traumas

A big reason I didn’t enjoy bottoming was because of sexual trauma in my past. It was easier for me to identify as a stone top than it was to work through what I needed to and allow myself to be touched in that way again. I wouldn’t dare say I’m all the way healed, but by going to therapy, having open conversations, and relearning pleasure, I was able to dissociate bottoming/receiving penetration from trauma.

I set my ego aside

While identifying as a stone top, I got a bit addicted to the pleasure that I was able to make other people feel. I took great pride in being able to make sexual partners feel good, and that was more than enough for me to also be satisfied. But then this grew into hubris and I began to assume no one could ever take care of me the way I would want them to, so why let them try? I would insist to partners that I was fine and didn’t need anything and would slowly but surely put myself in a position where I actually wasn’t satisfied just from topping but had already set such a standard for myself. It was either set my ego aside and admit I needed something or continue to go (partially) unsatisfied. I took the road less traveled.

I learned to articulate what I wanted

Now, my stubborn assertion that no one could satisfy me was not completely unfounded. I have had many experiences where I truly did not enjoy the way I was being topped, but I would feel too bad to correct someone or request something different. I think this one truly just came with getting older and realizing life’s too short to be having mediocre sex. ALSO I realized that not everyone is a sensitive little baby like I am. More often than not, people want to be doing a good job, even if that means taking a note. This one was really paired with overcoming my overall tendency to stay silent in order to people-please.

I explored more with myself

A lot of what I’ve spoken about so far is about my experience with other people, but I think a lot of sexual intimacy and preference begins with ourselves. I started to experiment with myself to see how different toys, styles, positions, etc. felt in a controlled and trusted environment. I was then able to take what I learned with myself and introduce that to partners.

I reframed my language and thinking around receiving

This one is pretty specific to me being trans, but I hope cis folks can relate to it. I think subconsciously, I didn’t love the language around “getting fingered” or “eaten out” because they felt assigned to women. So when I started identifying as non-binary and trans, there was a bit of dysphoria happening when that language was used, and therefore, when the actions took place. But then I just started referring to it as “getting head” which felt a lot more neutral and comfortable to me. My partner does a really great job of using neutral language and instead of saying “I want to finger you,” she’ll say “I want to feel you” or “can I feel you?” She does the same for oral, too, where it’s “I want to taste you” instead of “I want to eat you out.”

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None of this is to say I think all stone tops are just waiting to be convinced otherwise or need to work on themselves, because I do know there are true stone tops out there. I just wasn’t one of them. Sexual preferences and identities come in all shapes and sizes, they fluctuate by the day or by the partner, and they just shouldn’t be the topic of in-fighting.

I hope that we can all enjoy “The Giver” and any subsequent, similar song without turning into cops about it because a country song about lesbian sex is a giant step forward, but fighting about who can sing it on TikTok is two embarrassing steps backward.

Severance Episode 206 Gives a Whole New Meaning to ‘Outie’

The following post contains spoilers for Severance 206, “Attila.”

There’s a new queer in Kier! Last night’s Severance episode may have just confirmed what we’ve been anticipating: This show is gayer than we thought! Devon, played by out queer actress Jen Tullock, not only reveals she had a crush on a straight woman, but a straight woman who turned out to be a completely different person than she had hoped. What sapphic can’t relate?

I know this sounds like we’re accepting scraps of representation here, but I actually find this very exciting. In its very essence, Severance is queer. It’s anti-establishment, pro-worker, and features a beautiful gay love story between Burt (Christopher Walken) and Irv (John Turturro). But now the gay girls have their own little win.

Recently, due to the hype around Severance returning for season two, Jen Tullock got an influx of TikTok followers — much to her surprise. Shortly after fans discovered her on the app, she posted a video explaining New York vocal fry to her wife with the caption “My Swedish wife studying the many nuances of American trad girl speech.” It’s now the second highest viewed video on her page and, as expected, the comment section is filled with screaming sapphics.

The following week, Tullock attended a New York Fashion Week show alongside none other than Sophia Bush and Ashlyn Harris. And, like many of our other favorite celesbians, Tullock shared the cutest Valentine’s Day post with her wife serving femme4femme cuteness.

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A post shared by Jen Tullock (@surefineokay)

*spoilers for Severance 206 start here so proceed with caution*

So, what happened in “Attila” that has sapphic Severance fans so excited? Well, if you remember back in season one, while at Damona Birthing Retreat, Devon meets another pregnant woman named Gabby Arteta while desperately searching for coffee. Gabby lets her into her cabin and makes her a cup (Ricken could never!). They chat about their pregnancies, reveal baby names and, while a bit awkward, share a nice moment away from their respective stress around their impending labor.

Later, Devon runs into Gabby at a park, both wearing their newborn babies. The catch: Gabby has no idea who Devon is, and her baby has a different name than the one revealed at the retreat. It’s then that the audience learns that Gabby is severed and it was actually her innie that Devon met. This information grows more and more disturbing the more you think about it and realize that Gabby, a mother of three, uses her innie to give birth to her children.

Devon eventually looks Gabby up on Facebook, seemingly the only social media that exists in the Severance universe, and learns she is the wife of Angelo Arteta, a pro-severance state senator. This was the beginning of Devon’s interest in the “corporate espionage” she has been participating in with her brother Mark.

Flash-forward to Season 2 Episode 6, when Devon goes to Mark’s house for more troublemaking and references the rich lady she met from “baby camp.” To freshen Mark’s memory, she adds, “The one I, like, had a crush on?”

We love a casual bisexual reveal. During this scene, my girlfriend and I perked up on our couch, turned to each other, and silent-screamed. Aside from the excitement of having another queer in the show, it’s fun to watch Devon evolve from a severance skeptic to fully ready for a revolution. I can’t help but now think her queerness gives her an instinct to rebel against the man. I’m already waiting around each week for Thursday to come, but now I’m eager as fuck to see her increasingly contentious relationship with Ricken unfold and see what role her queerness plays in her character development, if any.

It’s clear that one of the most-watched shows in the U.S. is getting more and more queer by the week. So if you’ve been waiting for that queer representation, now’s the time to tune in!

Updating Documents as a Trans Person Is Hell Right Now. Here Are My Tips for Navigating the Process

Like many trans people in recent weeks, I’ve found myself buried in government paperwork and waiting in lines at various agencies. After the election results came in, I wrote about the rush I felt to legalize my transition out of fear. I hoped to be proven wrong, or to find that I was overreacting—but Trump and his administration wasted no time pushing forward with their anti-trans agenda. On his inauguration day, he signed over 100 executive orders, many of which directly targeted trans people.

There’s a lot of conflicting information circulating online—some of it helpful, but much of it stoking fear, whether intentionally or not. As a result, there’s no clear guidance on whether trans folks should proceed with their paperwork. The risks are real: applications being denied, renewals triggering retroactive changes to your information, or, in my case, not knowing when (or if) I’ll get my passport back.

I submitted my passport application on January 21, with expedited services. Soon after, a leaked internal memo from Secretary of State Marco Rubio directed staff to freeze all gender marker change requests. In the days that followed, a post, supposedly from an anonymous passport adjudicator, was shared online, claiming that all passport applications involving gender marker changes were being set aside while the department figured out how to proceed. Naturally, this post was shared far and wide, causing some people to halt their paperwork while others rushed to submit it. The conspiracist in me wonders if these posts were designed to discourage trans people from filing during the gap between executive orders becoming laws. The realist in me has come to accept that we’re no longer living in a democracy and anything could be true.

I’m sharing all of this to offer a bit of optimism: Last night, January 27, I received an email from the State Department stating that my passport application was “In Process.” I know this could just mean my paperwork is sitting in a giant pile somewhere, but I’m taking this update as a small win. If you’ve submitted your passport application during this period, I highly recommend signing up for email alerts through the State Department website. They don’t automatically send updates, so signing up is the only way to track your application’s progress.

Now, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not sure anyone does right now. Here’s what trans lawyer and activist Chase Strangio has to say about passports:

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A post shared by Chase Strangio (@chasestrangio)

Erin Reed is also covering all of Trump’s anti-trans policies and attacks as part of her daily newsletter Erin in the Morning.

I’m truthfully not in a position to tell anyone whether they should or shouldn’t proceed with their paperwork. I also can only speak to the process in New York State, so I can’t offer advice for those in states without local protections for trans folks. But I do want to share some notes I took throughout my process in the hope they might help others.

If you’re going through the process of updating any identification paperwork — from your driver’s license, to your social security, to your passport — here are some tips for going through these labyrinth processes based on my own experiences.

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1. Be prepared to “come out” over and over again: in public, to strangers, on paper, and in person.

As you go through this process, from the very first step of filling out your name change court order petition, you will have to list the reason you want to legally change your name. Sure, you could make up a reason that doesn’t completely “out” you as trans, but some people are less comfortable lying on government paperwork than others. I personally chose to write that I was transgender and that I was changing my name for my own safety. Then, throughout the rest of the process, you’ll likely be coming out to clerks, bank staff, your employer, the DMV staff, the folks at the Social Security Office, and wherever else you submit your official name change. A lot of these processes take place in sometimes crowded offices where others can hear your business. I am not saying this to scare you, and you shouldn’t be scared, but if you’re someone who could use some mental preparation, then I suggest you do just that.

2. Be prepared to dead name yourself and have others use your deadname.

For all the same reasons as I listed above, you will have to see, hear, write and say your deadname throughout this process. In order to secure your new name, you will have to acknowledge your old one.

3. Be over-prepared.

Many of these processes will require proof of address. Print out 5+ copies of your checking bank statement, your credit card statement, 1-2 utility bills if they have your old name and address on them. Additionally, collect unopened mail (from places like banks, health insurance, and utility companies, not personal letters) as a backup. I don’t have a printer in my home, but I printed my documents at my local Walgreens for less than $5 total.

4. Stay organized.

This is not the time to mess around (pun absolutely intended). Print out everything you need, separate them into piles per transaction (e.g. one pile for Social Security, one for DMV, another for Passport, etc.). Get a motherfucking manilla envelope or a Star Wars folder. I don’t care how you organize, so long as you keep your stuff organized. The last thing you want is to be at an appointment and be missing one of your required papers because you left it at home.

5. Take out cash.

Some of the offices in which you need to submit these requests not only require cash payment but exact change. It’s better to have more cash than you think you need to avoid having to leave a government building to go to the ATM. Who wants to make this process longer than it needs to be? Plus, the security in those buildings is so annoying.

6. Make sure you have enough money on your card(s).

If you are opting to use a card for places like the DMV, make sure you have enough money in your account to avoid a) the headache and b) having to redo the process another time.

7. If you cannot afford any or all of the fees associated with these processes, ask them if they have any fee waivers or forms to fill out as a poor person.

This may prolong the process, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do.

8. Map out each process ahead of time.

And I mean literally map them out. I live in NYC, which means I have to take public transit all over the city to get to each of these appointments. If I’m going all the way to the Financial District (spooky!), you bet your ass I’m going to go to the DMV around the corner from the Social Security Office. Why make unnecessary trips? See where all of the offices you need to visit are on a map and which ones you can bang out in one go. This is also important if you’re having to miss work or school or other commitments to get this done.

9. Find a notary.

Some of the applications for these processes require notarization. In my experience, the Name and Gender Marker Petition application and the birth certificate sex amendment application both required a signature and stamp from a notary public. I didn’t realize this, so I had my court order petition notarized by someone I knew at the beginning of the process, but ultimately had to get another notary for when I eventually did my birth certificate paperwork. Had I prepared a little better, I would have had all the applications printed ahead of time and got them notarized at the same time.
For the second application, I no longer had access to the notary public who did my court order petition. But I found out I could go to a UPS store and get something notarized there. I just had to search the UPS website for locations near me that had a notary. The availability times are not usually displayed on the website, but I found that most locations with notary services had a notary public there between 11 a.m and 3 p.m. The one application cost me $5.

10. Check how each form needs to be submitted ahead of time.

A lot of them are submitted in-person to various government offices. However, in my case, my birth certificate amendment application and my passport update application both had to be mailed. Luckily I remembered this and was able to mail both of them out at the same time in one post office visit.

11. Make appointments ahead of time wherever they’re available, especially the DMV.

This will help you avoid long waits. Not all of the other government offices take appointments, but some do, so be sure to check online!

12. Try to beat the rush.

For offices that don’t allow you to make appointments ahead of time, try to arrive right when they open. If an office opened at 7 a.m., my ass was there at 7:01 a.m.

13. Have a few copies of your official name change order.

There’s a small fee per copy of your official name change order; mine were $6 each. There’s many online resources that encourage you to get a bunch of these at once so you can give them to each place, but pretty much all the offices return them to you right away. In New York, the DMV and the Social Security office handed mine right back. However, I had to mail one in with my Passport application and one in with my birth certificate amendment application. They will eventually be returned to me, but only when they send the updated documents back. I got three copies, and that felt sufficient.

14. Update your Social Security information first.

The Social Security Office should be your first stop, because everything leads back to this mysterious made up number the government uses to keep track of you. Depending on when you’re reading this, you can hopefully still update your Passport. This should be an absolute priority after your SSN documents since it is a federal process, and that’s what’s most at risk with you-know-who in office. Next should be your state ID/license followed by insurance cards, birth certificate, employer information, bank accounts, voter registration, utilities, and all of the other weird places you’ll remember that have your name.

15. Utilize the preparation tools provided to you by these agencies.

Most of these applications include two parts: one prepares you to complete the application and the other is where you actually enter in your information. For instance, the DMV application for renewing your driver’s license provides checkboxes for the different forms of proof of identity and proof of address. So does the Passport application. It will tell you exactly what you need to bring with you. Use it as a rubric.

16. When in doubt, call the number listed or consult an expert.

Most if not all of these forms and applications will have a number listed to contact the agency. If there’s something that you’re confused about or needing clarification on, please use the resources provided to you. I made the mistake of not seeking clarification while filling out the New York name change petition application because of the very specific language they used. It said if you were born in New York State, you must include a certified copy of your birth certificate, but if you were born outside of NYS, you must include the original birth certificate. This language led me to believe that I could not use my original birth certificate, so I spent $80 to order a certified copy that will not arrive for another 130 days or so. It wasn’t until I spoke with a friend who had completed this process that I realized I could just use my original. So, learn from me, ask for clarity if you’re unsure of anything. 

17. Keep your new documents safe and secure.

You just put so much time, effort and money into getting these documents — protect them. Buy a safe or special box or envelope to store them in. There are fireproof and waterproof bags and boxes made specifically for important documents. Stay organized.

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I know times are scary right now but just remember that trans people have existed since the dawn of time and will continue to exist far beyond our short time on Earth. They will never get rid of us. They could never erase us. I love you and everything will be okay.

If you have any helpful tips, especially if you live in a state without local protections, please drop them in the comments below.

The Ultimate Queer Workout Playlist To Get You Actually Excited About the Gym

If you’re anything like me, you’ve avoided The Gym because it’s a scary place. Or, at least, because the people there are scary. Or the machines. OK, something about going to the gym is scary. But now it’s about to be a new year, so new you! Right? Maybe you’re motivated with the rest of the world to hit the gym as a New Year’s Resolution, or maybe you read our recently published queer guide to starting strength training written by my very own personal trainer, but either way… you’re ready to put in the work. What next? Aside from all of the apparel, equipment, and literal exercises you’ll have to learn, there is a key element to working out: your playlist.

I’ve noticed that when I search for a “queer work out playlist” I get a lot of great playlists filled with songs queer people love but not necessarily made by queer people. Lately, I’ve really just had a heavy rotation of both Megan Thee Stallion and Doechii’s discographies, but there’s a lot more where that came from in terms of queer music that’ll hype you up in the gym. With artists like lesbian DJ COBRAH and electro-pop bicon Tove Lo to high-tempo indie band MUNA and the numerous queer female rappers we have on the scene right now, there’s no excuse not to listen to queer music at the gym.

So, I put together the ultimate queer workout playlist to get you actually excited about the gym and yes, a few allies are featured, but you can count on it being 99.99% queer. Even better, it has a little bit of every genre. Here’s some of my favorites.

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Listening to Megan Thee Stallion makes me feel like I am That Girl and folks… I’m not even a girl! There isn’t a single song in her entire discography that I’d skip during my workout, which is fitting, considering she’s always putting in time at the gym.

Tove Lo has seamlessly transitioned from my putting-things-up-my-nose college pre-game playlist to my putting-testosterone-in-my-belly workout playlist. The majority of her discography is so fun and horny and makes me want to sweat from head to toe.

Listening to COBRAH will get you ready for anything, including the daunting workout ahead of you. Her electronic music is so playful with pulsing synths and cunty lyrics… great for cardio AND weightlifting.

When you think of MUNA, you don’t typically think of workout music. More like sapphic yearning and crying. However, they have a couple of songs that serve as a really nice balance between all of the electronic and rap on the playlist. It’s a nice relief when shuffling through without taking you completely out of it.

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Full Queer Workout Playlist:

New Years Resolutions but It’s Just Cool Things Shane Did in ‘The L Word’

New Year’s Resolutions can be tough! It’s hard to imagine the version of ourselves that we haven’t met yet. What kind of bullshit and trauma will the new year bring us? How can we possibly decide who we want to be or what we want to do if we don’t have a crystal ball showing us what’s to come? Well, we can’t. New Year’s Resolutions are all about aspiring to something… or in this case… someone. While the future can feel scary and unsure, we can always fall back on a universal truth: We all want to be Shane McCutcheon. So, I’ve put together a list of New Year’s Resolutions you can steal for 2025 that are really just things Shane has done or been in the original The L Word.

Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for any broken hearts, shattered friendships, incomplete weddings, or sexual discoveries that may occur as a result of using these resolutions. 

In 2025, I will wear more leather vests as shirts. 

In 2025, I will have more pool sex. 

In 2025, I will have an affair with an older married woman. 

In 2025, I will quit my job. 

In 2025, I will propose to my girlfriend. 

In 2025, I will be my own boss. 

In 2025, I will land a huge underwear modeling contract. 

In 2025, I will fall in love with a woman at a PTA meeting.

In 2025, I will be a really good older sibling. 

In 2025, I will always be the hottest and the sluttiest person in the room. 

In 2025, I will attract, not chase.

In 2025, I will resist any external pressure to adopt they/them pronouns just because I look androgynous.

In 2025, I will help closeted women realize they’re queer. 

In 2025, I will prove that misfits deserve love and compassion. 

In 2025, I will confront the trauma that exists outside of my queerness. 

In 2025, I will date and fuck beautiful bisexual women. 

In 2025, I will stop trying to be in monogamous relationships. 

In 2025, I will pull off some of the ugliest outfits simply because I am hot. 

In 2025, I will be a good and loyal friend. 

In 2025, I will ooze sex appeal.

In 2025, I will be a complete, complex individual who is not defined by their looks.

In 2025, I will actively work on being a better person (for myself).

In 2025, I will become independently wealthy. 

In 2025, I will teach at least one woman how to eat pussy. 

In 2025, I will not become my father.

Why I Rewatch ‘The Family Stone’ Every Year

I’m indifferent about Christmas trees, whether it’s the one I may or may not put up in my own home or the one that draws crowds at Rockefeller Center. In recent years, in this post-Elfster society, I’ve happily bowed out of Secret Santa exchanges. My hand-embroidered stocking collects dust in my parents’ basement, replaced on the mantel by newer stockings — embroidered by the same hands — that now hang for my nieces and nephew. This year, for the first time in my life, I’ll be flying on Christmas Day. I’m sentimental, but when it comes to Christmas traditions, I find myself most attached to one I accidentally created for myself in 2005.

Every year, as soon as Thanksgiving is over, I rewatch The Family Stone.

I have a vague memory of the first time I saw it. We went to the movie theater near my aunt’s house on Long Island after getting milkshakes at Itgen’s Ice Cream Parlour, where my older brother and cousin would crush on the girls behind the counter. We went to the parlour often enough that our group of cousins made up a song about the unrequited love between the teen boys and slightly older teen girls. I remember walking out of the theater, belly full of Whoppers and Slushee, into the cold while the adults moaned and groaned. I thought they must have had tummy aches too, but no, that wasn’t the case. They fucking hated the movie.

Nearly 20 years after its release, my mom stands firmly by her original thoughts on the film. “The end doesn’t justify the means,” she tells me, referring to the family’s refusal to accept Meredith (Sarah Jessica Parker) for who she is and their cruelty toward her. My mom feels strongly that the matriarch of the family, Sybil Stone (Diane Keaton), is an irredeemable, nasty woman who selfishly ruined Christmas for her family. She also argues that none of the other characters are likable, each contributing to an overall unpleasant experience for someone who has, ultimately, done nothing wrong.

Still, it’s for all the reasons my mom dislikes The Family Stone that it has become a holiday favorite among younger queer and trans people. The film does a near-perfect job of portraying a gay relationship between Thad Stone (Tyrone Giordano) and his partner Patrick (Brian J. White). The pair serve as a grounding presence amidst the high-conflict, anxiety-laden scenes, offering calmness, love, and reason. This portrayal earned The Family Stone a nomination for the GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding Film (Wide Release) in 2006, though it lost to none other than Brokeback Mountain.

Thad and Patrick’s relationship isn’t the only thing that resonates with queer and trans people. It’s kind of… everything else in the movie. From the set design and holiday setting to Rachel McAdams’ spectacularly queer-coded character and the depiction of parental allyship, The Family Stone is many queer folks’ first introduction to warm, unconditional familial love. It’s to be loved is to be known in a perfectly paced hour-and-forty-minute runtime.

That’s my hypothesis, at least. I was able to identify all of this as unconditional familial love because, well, that’s how I was brought up. I come from a warm, come-as-you-are household, so when I saw it on the big screen (and many, many small screens thereafter), I was able to name it. But I know that not every queer person is as fortunate as I am to come from a family like the Stones. I wasn’t sure if other queer people felt as strongly about The Family Stone as I did… so I talked to them about it. Evidently, I’m not alone here! The movie seems to mean something to many different kinds of queer people — those with healthy relationships to their biological families, those who only have chosen family, those whose issues with their family have nothing to do with their queerness — all of whom are in agreement that it’s a necessary rewatch each holiday season.

Nearly the entire film takes place in the Stone family’s ambiguously New England house. But it’s more than just a house; it’s their home during Christmastime. There are plastic snowmen on the kitchen counter, Christmas cards lining the entranceway, and Polaroid pictures and souvenir magnets on the refrigerator. No two coffee cups look alike. A decorative bowl filled with pinecones sits on a table inside an office. There’s clutter everywhere. People live here. I have lived here.

Unlike many other Christmas movies, The Family Stone doesn’t overwhelm you with bright whites, emerald greens, and candy-cane reds. Instead, the set design is rich with wood: dressers, desks, staircase banisters, and a busy baker’s block in the kitchen. Even the wallpaper and curtains throughout the house are various shades of brown. The wardrobe reflects this brown palette, too — Patrick’s sweater, Sybil’s robe, Kelly’s flannel and vest — and each of the Stone siblings is brunette. When Julie (Claire Danes) arrives at the bus station to rescue her sister, she’s wearing a sand-colored leather coat and carrying an overnight bag in a matching shade.

In color psychology, brown is associated with comfort, security, and relaxation, and in interior design, it’s often used to make a space feel more open and inviting. When you watch The Family Stone, you are quite literally being welcomed into a home that three generations call their own, and you can feel it.

What better time of year for queer and trans people to get a little extra comfort, security, and relaxation than the holidays? Despite the uncomfortable drama taking place throughout the film, The Family Stone serves as a safe haven for many at a time when the uncomfortable drama is happening in their own homes. Seeing conflict they know well play out on screen is humanizing, especially when the consequences do not fall on the queer or trans family member. Being queer and around your family during the holidays can feel torturous, so, yeah, we’re going to enjoy watching an unlikable rich white lady get bullied for 90 minutes.

Speaking of bullies, Amy Stone (Rachel McAdams) is irrefutably, undeniably, and delightfully queer. Whether she’s closeted or it’s just not an explicitly defined character trait is unimportant to me because, regardless of whether she knows it or not, that girl is gay. We first meet Amy as she pulls up to her parents’ house in a clearly hand-me-down Volvo station wagon and struggles to carry both her (full) laundry basket and NPR tote bag out of her backseat. She wears a band tee over a white long-sleeve shirt and a knee-length red pleated skirt with thick, black tights underneath. She’s splendidly pathetic right off the bat, just like the youngest sibling in a big family should be. I would know. I am one.

When Amy meets Meredith, she’s confronted with everything she tries so hard not to be and, even worse, she has to grapple with the fact that this version of womanhood, the very version she has rejected, is desirable. When I was a closeted queer woman, I spent so much mental energy policing how women were… women. Projecting much?! Once I started dismantling comp-het and gender binaries — and, subsequently, my internalized misogyny — I stopped giving a shit about how other people displayed their womanhood. I suspect that’s what’s going on with Amy and her seemingly unjustifiable hatred for Meredith. There’s something about Meredith — whether it’s her voice, her face, or her clothing — that challenges Amy’s understanding of the world around her and, perhaps, herself.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that outside of all the underlying queer characteristics, at the end of the day, Rachel McAdams as Amy Stone is simply objectively fun to watch because she is hot. Specifically, she’s hot in a gay way.

Another reason The Family Stone is so popular among queer people is because it offers an alternative to the family dynamics we’re so used to seeing on-screen by making the Stone family a matriarchy. Of course, this isn’t groundbreaking. Women have been leading and managing families since the beginning of time. But it’s not very often that we get to see this portrayed on screen, especially in Christmas movies. It’s always the dad having some dick-measuring contest with his neighbor, falling off a roof and turning into Santa Claus, or discovering he has an estranged son visiting from the North Pole. So, to see a large, complicated family so sculpted by and enamored with their mother is refreshing.

Sybil Stone is not a mother without flaw. In fact, much like my own mother likes to point out, she has many shortcomings. But man, did she raise five emotionally intelligent, gentle, and (mostly) good kids. The unconditional love, understanding, and acceptance in that home and among those family members is so beyond what a lot of queer people believe to be possible. To them, Sybil is proof that a mother will love you despite what makes you different or difficult.

Take the famous dinner fight scene, for instance. Many queer people would kill to have a family member, let alone a mother, sit at the head of the table and go to bat defending them when confronted with bigotry — even if it ruffles some feathers. Even if it makes the rest of the dinner uncomfortable. More moms need to freak the fuck out and throw cutlery across the dinner table when their child is disrespected. Especially now, when households are so socially and politically divided, bigots need to know they don’t have a seat at the table. The whole scene is hysterical, both in drama and humor, but what really gets me every time is Sybil signing to Thad from down the table. She’s desperate for him to know that she loves him exactly as he is. Is that too much to ask for?

I really do think The Family Stone was ahead of its time in 2005. It does more than hold up; it might even get better with time as more queer and trans people redefine what family means to them. As more people cut ties with their biological families for their own safety, they may be seeking a fictional family and home to tuck themselves into for a moment, especially during the holidays. The Stones aren’t a perfect family, but queer people aren’t asking for perfect.

Excuses To Leave Your Family Holiday but They’re Just Plot Points From Yellowjackets

Picture this: You’re at your weird family member’s house for the holidays and you’re feeling trapped. First of all, that’s pretty insensitive of you considering there’s an entire girl’s soccer team trapped in the wilderness and they don’t even have iPhones to help them cope because it’s the 90s. Second of all, you’ve probably already exhausted all of your go-to excuses to leave the family event on Thanksgiving. So, you’re in need of some new ways to get out of family obligations before you reach your limit of microaggressions or lines of questioning about your lifestyle or dead-end conversations with your cousin of the same age but wayyyy different TikTok algorithm.

That’s where I come in! I am here to provide you with foolproof excuses to get you out of your family’s holiday plans:

1. “Oh my God, I have to go. My friend is having a psychotic break and playing makeover with a corpse.”

2. “I don’t mean to be rude, but a wolf literally just ripped off half my friend’s face.”

3. “I wish I could stay for dessert, but I actually just found out my friend from high school started a cult upstate and she really needs my help.” 

4. “As much as I’d like to stay for caroling, a tradition you know I love, I do have to go. It’s hard to explain. My friend is going through a rough patch in her marriage because her husband is her dead best friend/lesbian lover’s high school boyfriend. Just her luck, she recently got in a fender bender with some guy and you know, he caught her at a really vulnerable time and so the two of them sparked a romance. I know. It’s bad. Anyway, she just killed that guy. So I have to go to his art studio and help clean up.”

5. “Hold that thought, Grandma. My team just made nationals.”

6. “SHIT! You know that timeshare cabin I got with some friends in the Canadian Wilderness? No? Okay I literally Instagram it all the time. Well it just burned down, so I have to call my insurance company.”

7. “I’m going to have to miss the Die Hard rewatch this year, guys. My friend’s little brother is being hunted through the wilderness by some teenage girls and I have a bad feeling the wilderness is going to choose him.”

8. “You’re never going to believe this. My wife sacrificed our dog at the altar. 

9. “Ahh, I gotta go! My friend Laura Lee just took off on her very first flight as a pilot! Everyone’s going to go watch by the lake. Oh wait. Shit. I gotta go to my friend Laura Lee’s funeral.”

10 “I wish I didn’t have to go! But my girlfriends and I are bringing back the hunt.”

Motti’s Favorite Things: What To Buy for the Low Maintenance Transmasc

I’m a pretty simple guy. I’m not very materialistic, so when I do spend money on something, I want the bang to be worth the buck. I’ve put together a list of items I use almost daily that I’ve had for an extended amount of time and therefore can vouch for. There’s of course ways to customize or upgrade some of these items by picking out different packages or flavors or simply buying from a fancier brand. But if your loved one is anything like me, these affordable and useful items will make their day-to-day life much easier!

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Phillip’s One Blade 360 Face + Body ($40)

I’d be lost without my Phillip’s One Blade. I use this one item to trim my facial hair now that I know I shouldn’t be doing a close shave every other day, control my nostril hair from poking out, freshen up the skin fade on my sideburns and around my ears, and tame my pubic/leg hair. It truly takes care of every hair-need you could have as an adult going through second puberty.

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Nintendo Switch ($300)

I know it’s not breaking news that the guy in your life might want a Nintendo Switch, but hey, I bought mine after the original hype died down and I still think it belongs on a 2024 list! I bought my Switch second-hand when prepping for my top surgery and I don’t think buying brand new is necessary. What I DO think is necessary is a TV dock and a fun Pro Controller.

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FairLife Core Power Elite Protein Shake ($5)

I started a strength training program this summer and one of my biggest hurdles is getting the amount of protein I need to build and keep muscle. This is tough for me as a vegetarian, so finding protein products that both taste good and provide a substantial amount of protein is essential. The one product that meets both criteria is the FairLife Core Power Elite Protein Shakes, specifically the chocolate flavor. A bottle has 42 grams of protein, which takes care of about a quarter of my needed daily protein AND they taste delicious!

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Burt’s Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Cream ($6)

Like many guys, I’m a nail biter. More accurately, I’m a cuticle biter. I’ve tried every single remedy available to human beings and have yet been able to kick the habit. What helps, though, is having something for damage control, which is why I use the cuticle cream daily. Sometimes having it on will stop me from biting, but mostly it helps heal the broken skin and keep my nailbeds soft, shiny, and smelling nice. I like to apply it in the morning and then lock it in with a strong hand cream like this one.

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Bodum French Press ($20)

I like my coffee black, so I find it especially sad when I have to go out and pay over $4 for a cup. I’m also pretty anti-K Cup coffee. The easiest way for me to make coffee at home is by using a french press (and a moka stovetop pot for when I really need it).

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Carhartt Backpack ($60)

Hi, it’s me, the adult with a backpack you want to push over on public transit. I promise I always take it off when it’s crowded! Joking aside, a nice weather-proof and durable backpack goes a long way for the commuter, the traveler, the guy on the go.

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Stealth Bro’s Jr Dopp Kit ($35)

I use the Stealth Bros Co Jr Dopp Kit bag to hold all of my HRT shot needs from needles to sanitizing wipes to the bottle of testosterone itself. While I do use it for longer-term travel, I also just keep all of my HRT items in this bag under my bathroom sink for easy keeping. This company has bigger bags and sharps containers, as well as some other products for trans folks.

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Fabric Steamer ($20)

I can’t leave the house with wrinkles in my clothes, so I always have a steamer on hand. It wasn’t until right now, as I’m making this list and pulling the links for the exact items I have, that I realized my at-home steamer is a travel steamer. I don’t think it matters that match. My girlfriend makes fun of me for needing to steam everything but she’s realllll quiet when she pulls something from the back of her drawer or closet and needs to be at an event in less than an hour.

I’m Legally Changing My Name and Sex Designation, and I Feel Complicated About It

feature image photo by STEFANI REYNOLDS/AFP via Getty Images

Transness is a gift and something that has severely improved my quality of life. I fall in love with transness more and more each day, with every new trans person I meet and every new thing I learn about myself. I struggled with suicidal ideation, drug abuse, and harmful relationships for a large chunk of my life because I was living in a body and mind that was not my own. I used to feel like I’d never grow old. When I came out, my problems didn’t magically disappear, but I gave myself a fighting chance to face them head-on with newfound clarity. And I did, working so hard to be where I am today: over two years since my last panic attack, sober from hard drugs, in a loving relationship with both my partner and myself, and happier than I’ve ever been. Transitioning saved my life, not just in terms of survival, but in the richness and depth it has brought to my existence.

But I’m having complicated feelings about legalizing my transition.

I’ve only been “out” as trans for about four years, though it feels like it’s been much longer than that. I’ve taken my time during my transition, careful not to rush decisions about my body, my identity, and their interaction with the world. It took three years from when I knew I needed top surgery to actually have it — partly due to financial and logistical challenges, but also to give myself the time to reflect on such an important decision. I spent two years speaking with friends, doctors, and conducting my own research about starting hormone replacement therapy before I started taking testosterone. Despite what you may hear politicians on both sides of the aisle or your uncle or coworker or even your friends say about the availability and accessibility of gender affirming care, this is neither easy nor quick.

As much as my transition is a deeply personal journey, the external pressures and political environment complicate this process in ways I never anticipated.

Since Trump’s re-election earlier this month, trans folks have received well-intentioned and conflicting advice from various sources. I’ve been told I should buy a gun, learn how to fight, or even move out of the country. I’ve been advised to seek EU citizenship through a grandparent, change my name and my gender marker, make all my social media accounts private, stockpile my hormones, get a hysterectomy, erase all evidence of my transness from public record, and marry my girlfriend of one year while I still can. Cis and trans folks alike are quick to label these actions as ‘alarmist,’ while others insist they’re absolutely necessary. Listen, I am not going to buy a gun. I already have a strap I’m bad at using. But there are precautionary measures I’m taking to ensure my safety when Trump takes office in January.

I’m currently petitioning to change my name and gender marker, something I never anticipated doing at this stage of my transition. I’m in a somewhat unique position with my name, because the name I go by, and have gone by since I was a teenage girl, is my last name. My going by ‘Motti’ is not connected to my transness but rather a result of growing up an athlete with three other ‘Emily’s on the team. Sure, it’s incredibly convenient that I have a built-in name that works for my transition, but it also presents some unintended complications. If my chosen name is my legal last name, then what do I do about my legal first name? I’ve never thought to pick out a new one. Friends have suggested I move my last name to my first name and pick a new last name, but I don’t want to have a different last name from my family. A small, unserious part of me thought I would just figure this out if and when I get married… I could take my partner’s last name and move ‘Motti’ to my first or something ceremonious like that. I didn’t think I was going to have to make this decision, let alone in such a hurry.

Truthfully, ‘Emily’ never felt like a deadname to me. It’s just a name I don’t really go by. But it doesn’t hurt me to be referred to by it. So I never felt an urgency to change this, especially considering the headache and cost of the paperwork. This has been complicated by the fact that I am only recently ‘passing’ in public spaces — and that’s being generous. I have absolutely no doubt that in Trump’s America, there will be threats to my safety if I am referred to as ‘Emily’ in a doctor’s office, job interview, pharmacy, or other public space while looking the way I do right now, and I have no intention of stopping HRT. I’d immediately be outed to those around me, and frankly, I cannot trust them to react neutrally to that information. I’d love to blame this fear and anxiety solely on conservatives or Trump voters, but sadly, Democrats have shown their true colors since the election by scapegoating trans people for the results, and I can no longer feel safe with them either.

To protect myself, I’ve made the decision to legally change my name before I am really ready to. For the same reasons, I’ve decided to legally change my gender marker to male, even though I don’t fully identify as a binary trans man. Non-binary is still a part of my identity, and while that may change as my transition progresses, I’m not there yet. I find myself using terms like ‘trans dude’ and ‘trans guy,’ and I alternate between they/them and he/him pronouns as I ease into this transition. I find a great deal of comfort in being able to, again, take my time and care with these decisions. However, I fear what may happen if I present my ID with an ‘F’ for ‘female’ to a bouncer, healthcare provider, or TSA agent.

I travel frequently, including to Florida to visit family, and I’ll be attending weddings in two countries over the next two years. In New York, my rights to change my gender marker on my state ID are likely protected, but I’m unsure about the federal rules for changing sex designations on passports after January. Although I just renewed my passport this summer, I’ll be doing it again once my petition is approved. I will legally be a male — not a dude, not a guy, but a male.

What troubles me the most about the quickness in which this is happening is the focus I have to put on how well I “pass” now. Passing has never been, nor is it currently, a goal of mine. Of course, I prefer to be gendered correctly, but I personally have no desire to live a stealth life. I find myself justifying this decision to update my legal documents with “Well, now I’m passing in public more than I’m not,” which is putting more value on my ability to pass than I’m comfortable with. I want to be seen as a man, but a trans man. I hate that folks are finally using the correct terms and pronouns for me, and my first instinct is to make it legally-binding. I never wanted this to be a metric by which I measure my transition, but now it’s something I find myself talking about frequently. When I sit with the decision to change my marker from “F” to “M,” I find myself running down a mental checklist of all of the physical traits that would justify me being “M” and frankly, I think that sucks. For me, for others, for my understanding of gender expansiveness and fluidity. If anyone has any ways in which they like to signal to the world that they’re trans while “passing,” I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

I deserve to feel joy and excitement about this decision. A part of me does, but a larger part is overcome by anxiety and uncertainty. It feels as though this moment has been stolen from me and my transition has been fast-tracked out of fear and necessity, not agency and choice. I know I am not the only person who feels this way post-election and that this will be a common theme for marginalized folks over the next four years and beyond. A lack of agency, actions motivated by fear, speed racing through complicated government-issued paperwork, and throwing a ton of money to state and federal agencies already using our tax dollars to fund a genocide — it’s difficult to find the bright side in any of that, but I’m trying my best.

Since election night, numerous name and gender marker change events sprung up in NYC and beyond, proving we will always have our community to fall back on. I’ve seen friends get their petitions notarized together, some even picking out the same names, at their favorite dyke bar. It all reminds me of the stories I’d hear about lesbian and gay couples getting creative with their weddings before 2015 and how these individual moments really belong to the collective. It feels weird to experience nostalgia for something that happened less than a decade ago and even weirder for something that may happen again.

I’ve found ways to bring levity and meaning into this situation by asking my Instagram followers what name they’d assign me and rejecting all of them, having my girlfriend’s mom notarize my petition at the bar of a Brooklyn Comedy Club, and picking a new name that’s still connected to my family. I’ve even written some new standup material about the whole ordeal, which is a sure fire sign you’re going through it!

Many steps of transition are moments for celebration. For some people, the legal aspects of transition might be just that. But if you’re feeling complicated about any aspect of transition right now, you’re not alone. We should be allowed to do these things not out of fear but because it’s what we really want and need for ourselves, not just for safety.

Dolls on Tour Bring Trans Art Where It’s Needed Most

“So much of my transition has been doing what I wish others had done for me. I didn’t have trans friends, so a lot of the stuff I did, I did alone. I picked up my hormones on my own. I was the only person alone in the name change office. Now, I tell the girls I’ll go to court with them, I give them their forms, I go to the doctor with them. I take care of my friends when they recover from surgery. That all feels great, and now with Dolls on Tour, I feel like I get to do that on a larger scale. I’m providing something to these people that would have changed my life if I saw it a few years ago. We are doing something that felt impossible one or two years ago. Showing that to ourselves, and also people in this country, who don’t always have access to that, is awesome.”

“It’s very easy for queers in liberal states to write off conservative areas entirely. But no matter how conservative the state, queer people are there, on the ground, doing the work, and they deserve entertainment too! I would be lying if I said it wasn’t scary, three days after the election, to march down to a state where the governor has said that trans teachers shouldn’t be able to express themselves at school, where trans kids are denied life saving care, where if you try to change your gender marker on your ID you’re put in a database, and where there are cities that have put a ten thousand dollar bounty on trans people who use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity.

But at the end of the day, there are wonderful, hardworking queer people at Vulcan Gas Company who have been so warm, helpful, and welcoming to us. Austin has a large queer community, and they have earned a good show and access to such a cool venue. We are working with local drag kings, vendors, and queer orgs to put together the best show we can. The hope is that if we sell enough tickets and give the audience a good enough time, it can show some of the large prestigious Austin venues how vibrant and important their local queer community is, and that they will buy tickets and pop out if you make them feel safe and welcomed.

Oh yeah, and Tony Hinchcliffe? You can suck it! Pound for pound, I’m funnier than you. There’s a reason you’re known for running a glorified open mic, not your own comedy. And by the way, no one remembers Hitler’s shitty little opener.”

My Girlfriend and I Went Viral for Dressing as Chappell Roan and a Passenger Seat for Halloween

Despite what the popular meme format “I hate gay Halloween, what do you mean you’re…” says, I fucking love gay Halloween. Gay people are the most creative, most absurd, and most chronically online individuals ever, and popular culture is better for it. Every year, we see true artists at work turning niche internet moments into wearable jokes, and I think it’s one of the most beautiful things that brings us closer as a community. This year, my girlfriend — comedian and actress Britt Migs — had the pleasure of contributing to this precious pastime with our couple’s costume: Chappell Roan and the passenger seat from her hit song “Casual.”

The Backstory

Britt and I have both, separately, been fans of Chappell Roan for years now. Not to brag, but we’ve both seen her live when tickets were under $100 and in venues that didn’t require us to watch from the tops of parking garages. I first heard of Chappell in 2022 and made an Instagram story dancing in my tiny Brooklyn bedroom to “Pink Pony Club,” which was soon taken down due to copyright laws. I decided to make a running joke about it on my story, posting fake screenshots of conversations with Chappell’s management team and even Chappell herself, pretending to offer free promo to my at-the-time 11,000 followers if they’d just let me use the song. So many people (gay men) reached out to me asking how I had a Chappell Roan contact, not understanding I was full of shit.

Back in 2020, before Chappell even had merch, Britt DMed her to see if there was anything she could buy for her best friend as a holiday gift. Obviously, she didn’t answer, so Britt got a t-shirt made with her “Pink Pony Club” cover art, which he wore to a show they went to in 2022. It’s so fun to think about the two of us, a year before we’d meet, having our own separate fan moments.

Last October, four months into dating and realizing our shared love for Chappell, we got to see her New York leg of her Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess tour at Brooklyn Steel along with some other queer comedy friends. Our show was slumber party-themed, but Britt really wanted it to have been “My Kink is Karma” or “Pink Pony Club” because she had the “perfect” outfit planned. Despite her disappointment, we put on our pajamas and slippers and enjoyed what is likely one of her last small-venue shows of her career.

The Idea

As we all know, Chappell Roan’s career skyrocketed, rightfully so, in the last year. So naturally, when thinking about what we wanted to be for Halloween this year, Chappell was a no-brainer. I mean, Britt has red hair and is the same height as Chappell. Also, it would allow Britt to live out the “perfect” outfit she had picked out for the tour last year. As soon as the idea of doing something Chappell-related was thrown around, I knew immediately that I wanted to dress up as a passenger seat. There was a bit of hesitation as to whether or not everyone would get it, but I felt confident that her launch into mainstream, and the song “Casual in particular” — considering it went viral not just with queer people but the straights on TikTok, too — made it recognizable enough to work. We knew there was the possibility there would be other Chappells, but we knew they would mostly be solo costumes. So it was settled as early as August: Britt would be Chappell, and I would be a literal passenger seat.

The Execution

Like I said, Britt already knew how she wanted to dress up for a Chappell costume. She secured her Pink Pony Club-inspired leotard, a sparkly pink cowboy hat, hot pink cowboy boots, jeweled tights and some elbow-length gloves to boot. Easy peasy. The rest, she was born for.

My costume, obviously, would take a ton more planning and designing. We kept our idea pretty quiet since we didn’t want anyone to steal it (I asked our very own editor to omit it from this year’s Autostraddle costume suggestions because I am selfish!), but the few friends we did tell all had the same question: “How the fuck are you going to be a passenger seat?” And while I did not have a definitive plan just yet, I could see it in my head. That’s all it takes, folks: a clear vision and unfounded confidence.

I knew right away I would definitely want to look as much like a floating passenger seat as possible, which meant I’d need a black morph suit. I also knew that I wanted to be a passenger seat that fit in the Chappell theme, which meant finding a passenger seat cover that had pink in it. Yes, I used a literal passenger car seat cover. As it turns out, my upper body is the literal shape and size of a passenger seat, and so I was able to stick my head through the headrest hole, and then I cut holes on either side for my arms to stick through. That was the easy part.

The harder part was figuring out the actual seat itself and how to make it look like it has a cushion. I knew I couldn’t make the seat itself too heavy by adding a pillow or blanket for stuffing, but at the very least I knew I had to start with a cardboard base. I cut a thick poster board in the shape of the seat cover and got to thinking about how to give it cushion. I considered memory foam and cotton stuffing, but ultimately decided on the inflatable packing bubbles you sometimes get in fragile shipments, which turned out to be super easy to acquire and to make. They came in a continuous roll that you can rip off to create any length you need. I spent an evening watching Scream and inflating these bubbles and fastening them to the poster board cut out with tape. Thankfully, the way the car seat cover is designed, I was able to slip the poster board cut out right into the cover, and it fit perfectly.

My upper body filled out the top half of the car seat cover pretty neatly, but I still needed to create a cushion effect for the front of my body to make it more seat-like. I inflated three separate columns of the packing bubbles and taped them all together to create a solid panel that I could easily slip between my body and the car seat cover fabric. Better yet, I didn’t even need to fasten it, which was a logistic I was worried about, because it sat secure inside the cover and against my body.

Now, I knew I wanted to make this look as realistic as possible, which meant having a seat belt. It’s surprisingly difficult to procure a standalone seatbelt online, so I settled for a seat belt designed for go-karts and called it a day. I hot glued the buckle itself to the front of the car seat cover fabric, and then hot glued the top of the belt to my right shoulder. A lot of people online are pointing out how cool it is that I accurately put the seat belt on the left side, and to those folks I’d just like to say, that was completely unintentional but I will take the compliment. Other people have pointed out it doesn’t make sense for it to be buckled if no one is sitting in it, and to them, I say get a hobby. Lastly, some people were super curious as to whether or not the seat belt actually worked, and the answer is yes! My friends and strangers were unbuckling and buckling me all night, and no, that is not a euphemism.

The final part of this costume design and perhaps the most crucial was figuring out how to get the seat to sit in an L-shape. I knew from early on that I wanted to find some thin, clear string to hoist up the lower half, but I wasn’t quite sure how to execute it. I saved this detail for last and went to four different stores before I found the perfect material: frame hanging wire. Annoyingly, once I found the material, this was the easiest part of the whole costume. I was able to effortlessly poke the wire through the material of the car seat cover on all four corners of it, both of my shoulders and the outer corners of the seat. A simple double knot on each end was all it took to secure it into place, and that was that. I really thought I was going to have to go full engineer-mode for this part, but I got lucky.

There you have it: a fully functional floating passenger seat.

The Reaction

Britt and I went to our friend’s birthday party hosted at a bar in Williamsburg that was mostly attended by comics, a lot of them queer comics. We were so excited to debut these costumes but first had to take public transit from where we live on the Upper East Side to Brooklyn. As soon as we entered our subway station, we were turning heads. We walked by groups of friends who’d whisper “Oh my God, she’s Chappell Roan and he’s a passenger seat! That’s sooo good.” Perhaps the funniest part of this entire costume is that I have quite literally never been gendered more correctly than I was when I was dressed as a chair. Truly every single stranger we interacted with, which was many, were using he and him pronouns for me, calling me “man” and “dude” and “boyfriend.” I’m like okay… so the secret to passing is being inanimate. Got it!

When we eventually posted pictures of the costumes online, everyone there was also perceiving me as a man. One guy responded to the post saying “It’s hard to believe this is the same gender that fought and won WWII. Maybe Alex Jones is right about the water.” This is, of course, referencing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ claim that the hormones in water are making frogs gay. Spooky!

Britt and I knew this costume would be a hit, but we couldn’t have predicted just how viral it would go. Not to sound like a dick, but neither of us are strangers to going viral. We’re both comedians and content creators and can expect a post to take off every so often. But the public reaction to this costume has been so much fun and so supportive. My tweet about the costume currently has 5 million views, 300,000 likes, and 16,000 reposts. This kind of attention can be scary, especially for queer and trans people, but so far the hate has been almost non-existent. We were reposted by numerous meme accounts in round-ups of other gay Halloween costumes, including some real bangers like the Oompa Loompa from “Willy’s Chocolate Experience,” NeNe Leakes and a white refrigerator, the tennis ball POV from Challengers, the Four Seasons Orlando baby, and so many more strokes of genius.

We even made it into Vulture’s round up of gay Halloween costumes, which is very exciting for us as comedians. Although, it is very funny to have my debut in Vulture to not be related to my stand-up comedy, but instead me being a chair. But hey, I’ll take what I can get.

A note on having gay sex in passenger seats

The last thing I’d like to say about this costume, and about the line from Casual, “knee deep in the passenger seat and you’re eating me out, is it casual now?” is that it is absolutely possible to be eaten out, and to eat out, in the passenger seat of a car. Ever since the song entered the mainstream, I’ve seen folks questioning the logistics of a) being knee deep in a passenger seat and b) getting eaten out in a passenger seat. I’m here to say that both are possible and this is actually how I lost my lesbian v-card — in the passenger seat of my dad’s Hyundai Elantra with a girl that went to a different school that I met on Tinder. I see a lot of people arguing that, based on the song’s cover art, the passenger seat Chappell’s referring to is a truck bench. This is a fine theory, but it’s taking a lot of liberties as to how literal the art direction for the photoshoot is to the experience. It’s not entirely likely that the choice to use a truck bench as the passenger seat for the cover art was made because that’s where she was knee deep/eaten out.

It’s much more likely that, like me, Chappell, or at least the fictional Chappell from the song, did indeed have lesbian sex in the passenger seat of a car. Listen, I’m 5”8 and I was able to do it. Chappell is only 5”2, so she would have no problem doing it. What I’m taking away from this disbelief is that some of you are lacking the tenacity and creativity, and frankly the Catholic school closeted experience where your only option to gay fuck is your dad’s sedan to get the job done. Sometimes to get in the box, you gotta think outside the box. Do better, lesbians.

Mike Flanagan Shows, Ranked by Queerness

I came out the same year as The Haunting of Hill House, and it was as if Mike Flanagan handed me a gift for realizing I love women. I was hooked immediately.

Flanagan was my reintroduction to horror after being scarred my whole life by my Mom showing me It, Signs and An American Werewolf in London as a kid. The Haunting of Hill House made me feel excited to be scared, and I felt sexy and smart watching it. I feel the same about every TV show he’s written, and for that reason, every year starting on October 1, I rewatch each of his shows.

If there’s one thing Mike Flanagan is going to do, it’s write some of the best queer characters and storylines I’ve ever seen on television. This is an impressive feat for a straight cis man but totally makes sense when you look at his most frequent collaborators: his bisexual wife, Kate Siegel, and his trans sibling, Jamie Flanagan. Beautifully written queer characters with complex storylines are hard to find on television, and even more so in the horror genre. Not many writers care to figure out how to write a queer character without severely victimizing, villainizing, or fetishizing them. Flanagan treats his queer characters with care, and so does his team of recurring actors, and his projects greatly benefit from it.

Not only has Flanagan established himself as a horror icon, but his queer fans regard him as a queer icon, too. I say “queer” specifically because Flanagan’s projects don’t just feature white, cis gay men. They include lesbians, bisexual men and women, and queer youth, all of whom are complex outside of their sexuality. Through both major plot points and subtle details, Flanagan finds ways to honor and celebrate the queer experience, all while scaring the shit out of us — whether with ghosts or sapphic heartbreak or having to come out to your Christian mother.

For Horror Is So Gay this year, I wanted to pay my respects to the Flanaverse and all its queerness, so I’ve decided to rank each of his TV shows by queerness. Now, some of you may disagree with me, and I encourage you to… let me know what you think or how you would rank the shows in the comments!

Note: My rankings will only be taking into account the actual TV series and what you can see on-screen, not the subtext, references, inspirations, or original source material.

One more note: This piece contains many spoilers for all six of the TV shows.

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5. Midnight Mass (2021)

Midnight Mass is the least queer Flanagan show, and even then, it is undeniably queer. The entire story is rooted in religious trauma, or at least how religion is used to create trauma, which so many of us can relate to. The only out queer character in Midnight Mass is Dr. Sarah Gunning, who’s played by Annabeth Gish. Dr. Gunning is the only doctor on Crockett Island and therefore plays a very important role to the community. Despite this, she’s felt ostracized her whole life, particularly because of the treatment she received from Monsignor Pruitt growing up, and later, as an out lesbian, Father Paul. Dr. Gunning’s relationship to the religious leadership in her tiny community, and specifically her feeling that she’s always being watched and judged, is something a lot of us can relate to. But Midnight Mass is not about how religion is evil or homophobic; it is about how humans abuse religious text and power to do harm unto others.

Because Dr. Gunning grew up thinking she was being watched, and therefore found out, by Monsignor Pruitt, she does not have the same relationship with the church as her friends and neighbors. She does not receive communion or drink the wine at mass like everyone else does because of her queerness. Or, so she thinks. And as a result, she becomes one of the few people on Crockett Island to avoid death by vampiric blood. But because this is Flanagan and this is horror, Dr. Gunning’s queerness does not ensure her survival; it simply allowed her to die a hero. And also because this is Flanagan, we of course learn Dr. Gunning didn’t feel othered her whole life because of her queerness after all, but because she is Monsignor Pruitt’s daughter.

4. The Haunting of Hill House (2018)

As I mentioned in my introduction, The Haunting of Hill House was released the same year I realized I was queer, and it played a beautiful role in that self discovery. Theodora Crain came into my life with those damn elbow-length gloves and sent me into one of my first queer panics. Theo may be the only out queer character in the series — outside of her lover, Trish, and that one bridesmaid she fucked — but the whole show feels so gay because of Siegel’s characterization and how significant Theo’s emotional narrative is to the series.

I was also partly outed to my family because I was caught fucking a girl. The moment where Nell and Steven catch Theo coming out of the room with the bridesmaid feels like the way my own brother and sister would react to me in that situation. Some giggles, looks of disbelief, but ultimately a hug and awkward “congratulations.” Even the moment where Shirley finally puts two and two together while watching Theo dance with the bridesmaid feels like such an authentic big sister moment. There isn’t judgment because Theo is queer or because Shirley is homophobic, but rather we get that classic eldest daughter’s judgment of “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” and “I can’t believe you’re doing this at your little sister’s wedding.”

What touches me most about Theo’s queerness in HiIl House is the moment in the present-day timeline where Hugh Crain is back with the kids for Nell’s funeral. He’s getting himself adjusted to the tragic occasion of both seeing his youngest daughter in a coffin and meeting his adult children for the first time. He’s not doing this alone, he has the support of his wife’s spirit beside him. When he sees adult Theo with Trish, he doesn’t have to ask questions because he already knew. He reveals to her that her mother always knew she was gay, even when she was eight years old. “To be known is to be loved.”

3. The Midnight Club (2022)

While I’ll admit The Midnight Club is my least favorite out of the Flanaverse, I have to give credit where credit is due. The show is queer! My editor may disagree with me that The Midnight Club is more queer than Hill House, but I stand by this ranking. This show is the only one on this list that focuses primarily on teenaged characters, which I personally think makes the queerness even more fun, exciting and important. Something also to note about this show is that it is the most racially diverse cast out of all six listed here. When you consider the intersection of the characters’ sexuality and race, it does read a lot more queer than a white lesbian who loves to get laid. Or maybe it’s all equally queer. But I spent some time thinking about it, and here’s what I came up with.

One of the characters at Briarcliffe Hospice is Spencer, a young gay Black patient who is receiving end of life care for a terminal HIV diagnosis. Spencer was forced to come out to his conservative Christian family after contracting AIDS from a lover who eventually passed, and his parents kicked him out of the house. The strength and support of the queer community is alive and well, though, because when Mark, a nurse at Briarcliffe, heard about Spencer’s situation, he brought him in. Because of the show’s format where each of the characters tell haunting ghost stories about different versions of themselves, we get to see Spencer be queer in his own reality as a disowned gay kid dying of AIDS surrounded by friends who accept him for who he is; we also get to see him in a different reality, where he’s an out college student with a boyfriend. Or maybe he’s a robot built by said boyfriend in the future. Or he’s a high school student making out with boys behind the bleachers after school. In every story, what remains to be true is his queerness.

Another characterization I love in Midnight Club is for Cheri, another terminally ill young adult at Briarcliffe. Cheri is the only one in the group who never shares her ghost story, despite claiming she’s almost done with it. She’s known to bend the truth or straight up lie, but there is never any question about her kindness of heart. It’s not until the second half of the series that we learn Cheri is gay, and while her sexual orientation is never precisely defined, fans believe her to be a lesbian. Perhaps that’s because of a gesture she makes to cheer up fellow patient Ilonka, or really what she says about the gesture, that can only be characterized as oh so lesbian. Cheri and Ilonka are both young Black women with terminal cancer, and they’re both losing their hair. Ilonka shares with Cheri that she misses her hair so much, and not long after, Cheri receives an expensive wig in the mail from her wealthy mother, designed specifically for Ilonka. When Iloka asks Cheri why she would do such a kind thing, Cheri says, “Because you mentioned it.” Mike Flanagan you DOG!!! Who taught you to lesbian like that!!!

2. The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020)

There are so many beautiful love stories happening in The Haunting of Bly Manor: protective love shared between brother and sister, toxic love shared between desperate lovers, gentle love shared between two selfless people; but lesbian love was front and center. Fans know that Bly Manor isn’t a ghost story, it’s a love story, and what a treat it is for us that it’s a love story between two women. Even though Dani and Jamie are the only out queer characters in the show, I’ve ranked Bly Manor this high because their love is front and center, unlike other shows in the Flanaverse.

It is so rare that we get to see lesbian love — and with it, lesbian coming out and lesbian crushing and lesbian loss — at the forefront of a project. I mean, look how nuts everyone went for the “San Junipero” episode of Black Mirror. That was only 61 minutes; now imagine an entire limited series. I really love and appreciate the entire ecosystem of Dani’s coming out and how it adds to her complex trauma but is not what solely comprises her complex trauma. Dani is not haunted by the image of her ex finaceé because she broke off the engagement because she’s a lesbian; she’s haunted by him because he is a person who she truly, deeply loved, and he died tragically. And I love that we’re able to see a lesbian character have such love for a man who meant something to her, just not enough for her to sacrifice her happiness and true self for. This is a reality for a lot of lesbians, but too often we only see the media that ignore that or begin the story after she’s figured herself out.

I absolutely love that with Dani and Jamie’s love story, we got to skip the whole “Is she gay?” and “Is she flirting or just being my friend?” shit. While it’s appreciated sometimes, it was so nice to see two women fall into each other as a circumstance of caring for one another and wanting to be in each other’s company. We don’t ever have to see a man and a woman dance around whether or not something is flirtatious or just friendly, because their love is the norm, so to see the same easiness happen here was so refreshing.

Bly Manor received much criticism from fans for perpetuating the “kill your gays” trope, but I think that’s bullshit when you consider the fact it killed off its main character! When I think of the “kill your gays” trope I think about expendable characters who get a few stereotypical lines with instructions to deliver them at a certain pitch and a limp wrist. I think about gay characters written just to be killed. I don’t believe Dani to be a character written just to be killed — quite the opposite. Dani was written to live, despite witnessing the death of someone she loved, despite being haunted by his image, despite living in a literal mansion filled with murderous ghosts, despite being an out lesbian at in the ’80s. It’s true the lesbian relationship in Bly Manor ends in tragedy, but the tragedy has nothing to do with their queerness. Dani died because she is a hero, because she was searching for a purpose and she found one.

1. The Fall of the House of Usher (2023)

Flanagan really said “Matter of fact, everybody’s queer!” when he made The Fall of the House of Usher. There are six main characters in House of Usher who are queer, four of whom are Usher siblings. Something I find particularly exciting about the queerness depicted in House of Usher is its fluidity. Half of the queer characters are either bisexual or pansexual, which is not often shown, or shown well, in television. We’re treated to a few different representations and interpretations of queerness, all of which as a whole outnumber the depictions of straightness.

I just adored T’Nia Miller in Bly Manor, so it was such a joy to see her portray lesbian character Victorine Lafourcade in Usher, especially a lesbian character whose complexity boils down to an ethical conundrum completely separate from her queerness. I’m also happy that Victorine’s story showed that, despite what we’d all like to believe to be true about lesbians, we’re not all perfect! Nor are we all morally just and uncorrupted by greed or daddy’s approval. Through Victorine and Allessandra’s relationship and eventual deaths, we got to see that not all lesbians are perfect. And we’re not all bad, either. Complexity! Could you imagine that?

Perry, Leo and Camille Usher are all bisexual siblings with some seriously questionable morals and decision making skills. Perry, the youngest Usher sibling, is a socialite and party boy above all else. His queerness takes the form of access — to people, to drugs, to power, to sex — he’s meant to be a character who’s grown up with great responsibility and expectations but also access to anything he can get his hands on. He’s not someone who experiences many limitations, whether to his bank account or his greedy wants, so why wouldn’t that also extend to his sexuality?

Leo Usher is another bisexual son who grew up under similar circumstances to Perry. He, too, enjoys a good party, high, and fuck. We slip a little bit into the “bisexual people are cheaters” stereotype when we watch Leo cheat on his live-in boyfriend Julius with a woman, but I dare to challenge that. Firstly, male characters are so rarely queer and when they are, they are gay men. Secondly, when this bisexual stereotype is applied, it’s more often than not to bisexual women. Thirdly, let the bisexuals cheat! Straight characters cheat all of the time, why can’t the queer ones?

Camille L’Espanaye is our third and final bisexual Usher sibling and… she’s not winning a GLAAD award anytime soon. Camille is a public relations professional who is, herself, a walking PR and HR nightmare. She abuses her power over her two assistants by coercing them into a threesome and then firing them when they fall in love with each other and politely ask to not have sex with her anymore. I’m a big advocate for letting queer characters be villains, and I’m happy to be seeing more of it (see: Christina Hendrick’s conservative queer piss kink character in Hacks and Che Diaz in And Just Like That). Straight cis men are being sexually inappropriate with their employees everyday, everywhere. Why should we assume a bisexual woman isn’t doing the same somewhere?

The last of the confirmed queer main characters is Auguste Dupin, who is a Black gay man and the detective trying to take down the Usher family. Something I find interesting about Dupin’s character, and the show as a whole, is that we learn Dupin is gay in the 1979 timeline after already getting to know the character as a detective. But in the present day timeline, all of the queer characters are just… out. There is no big reveal or hinting at a spouse at home. It feels like an intentional decision made by Flanagan to show the difference between queer acceptance in 1979 versus 2023, which I find pretty cool. We can interpret the omission of a formal coming out or explicit mention of a husband as a commentary on the times or just as another option for queer people, which is to keep their personal life separate from their work life.

Now, for an unconfirmed, fan-based theory: Madeline Usher is queer. Which is not to say I think she is a lesbian or bisexual, though she did kiss Verna on the lips. She may even be asexual, or on the ace spectrum, considering the lack of attention we get to any aspect of her romantic life outside of some mention of an ex-husband. But what really makes me call her queer is… and don’t hate me for saying this… her outward disdain for men and the power men held over women. I believe there are so many different ways to be queer, and I think that a woman in the 60s, 70s, and 80s actively choosing not to be subservient to men — not a husband nor a boss — is a display of queerness in that it is in direct contrast to what is expected of her and societal norms.

The Fall of the House of Usher begs the questions, is it “kill your gays” if all of the characters are queer AND they all die? And is it a harmful stereotype if the character sucks for a million other reasons, too? And what if we let our bisexual characters suck and fuck how they please? One thing you can not accuse Flanagan of here is bi erasure.

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Sadly, there wasn’t a new Flanagan TV project this year. Well, that’s not true. There was a Flanagan horror TV project, just not Mike’s! Jamie Flanagan, who wrote on Bly Manor, Midnight Mass, The Midnight Club, and Fall of the House of Usher, wrote an episode of Hysteria!, a supernatural horror series that came out on Peacock last week. I’m excited to give that a watch once I’m done with my annual rewatch.

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The Men of Scream, Ranked by Gender Envy

The year is 1996, and two of the most iconic things are about to enter the world: me and the Scream franchise. It would take me another 25 years until I’d finally watch the film, but boy when I did, I fell in love. I was stuck in my Bushwick shoebox apartment with COVID, and just a few years earlier, I had been reintroduced to and seduced by the horror genre (thank you, Mike Flanagan!). I figured the best use of my time would be to binge all of the Scream films.

I now watch the franchise annually. Last year, I had the joy of showing it to my girlfriend for the very first time. It was so much fun to watch her watch the films, she had such great commentary about each of Gale Weathers’ hairstyles, and she’d proudly announced every cameo on screen. But this year, my girlfriend politely asked to be excused from this year’s rewatch, and so I watched Scream alone last Friday night while I was home with a cold.

This is my first time watching Scream as an out trans guy, six months on hrt and trying to figure out what kind of man I want to be or even could be. Now when I watch movies, I find myself comparing myself to the guy characters and seeing who I want to dress like or act like or grow facial hair like. Let me tell ya, the men of Scream are ripe for gender envy. I mean, peak ’90s heartthrobs. Quality sweaters. As I watched, I live-ranked the male characters by how much I aspire to be them.

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Casey’s Dad/Mr. Becker

We only see Casey Becker’s father for a few moments on-screen, from the minute he enters a smoke-filled and wrecked home. There’s not much to judge him on other than a small moment where he tells his wife to call the police and then he STANDS BEHIND HER IN FEAR. Listen, I know you can’t find your daughter and your house looks like a warzone, but you would not catch me quivering behind my wife. For that, he’s out.

Cotton Weary

Cotton Weary only appears on-screen on a TV screen in the first film. We catch a glimpse of him walking in his prison orange with his hair slicked back. I do envy his hair, and perhaps some of the attention he’s getting (just kidding…) but other than that, no strong feelings.

Steve

You will not catch me being the first to die in a slasher film, no sir! What good is it to be a hot brunette with a varsity letter jacket if you’re just going to bleed out by your girlfriend’s pool?! Could never be me.

Principal Himbry

Henry Winkler is perfect in Scream. I love how protective Principal Himbry is and how much he was not putting up with any bullshit when it came to the Woodsboro murders. I adore that his morbid curiosity got him to try on the mask, and I adore it even more that he scared himself. But at the end of the day, he is five foot six with a thinning hairline and he mounts fish on his office wall. Next!

Randy Meeks

Now, do I kind of dress exactly like Randy Meeks and simp after women out of my league the same way he does? Absolutely. But my transition is about growth, not complacency. I do not aspire to be Randy Meeks because I find that I am, presently, too similar to him. I mean look at me, I’m writing about a horror movie.

Sheriff Burke

Pardon me, but Sheriff Burke is one hunk of a man. Whatever testosterone is doing to my body right now, it looks like I am on a fast-track to having the same build as him, and I’m okay with that! My favorite Sheriff Burke moment is when he serves some fantastic sass to Hank Loomis when the prick tries to tell him how to do his job.

Kenny

Kenny has the sickest facial hair out of every male cast member AND he gets bossed around by a beautiful, awful woman all day for work. Backwards cap? Baller. He just seems a little unmotivated, not much of a go-getter. You’re a cameraman for the news while there’s a serial killer on the loose and you FELL ASLEEP? Come on, dude.

Billy Loomis

Listen, if you typed “90s dreamboat guy that I can show a picture of to my barber” into Google, Billy Loomis would pop up. His cheek and jaw lines are impeccable, and I will spend the rest of my life buying weird products that promise me the same results. He’s beautiful, but man is he a bad boyfriend. I could see past all the killing stuff but being a little bitch when your girlfriend doesn’t want to go to second base? No thank you!

Stu Macher

It’s even a bit puzzling to me how Stu has made it so high on my list given his short haircut, lack of facial hair, and beta mentality but I just can’t help but to feel something special when I look at him. He’s got that effortless “boy” look. Does that make sense? He wears the hell out of an oversized sweater and I love his little necklace. He’s also soooo tall and has dimples! Ultimately, he is a murderous little pussy. Everyone has their flaws, I guess.

Dewey Riley

Deputy Dewey Boy is kind of everything I aspire to be as a man. Which is to say, I love to do all of the things that make a guy a great man while still being seen as not much of a man. Dewey is an exemplary big brother, a great son, and a bad cop. The most aspirational thing about Dewey? He is a 25-year-old dweeb dating a 32-year-old television personality with an attitude. The second most aspirational thing about Dewey? That fuck ass mustache. And the best thing about it? I can achieve that mustache! I think Dewey is the perfect amount of pathetic, the correct level of cute, and I am actively trying to be more like him.

The good news is that just like Scream, gender envy will never get old. I’ll find new men (perhaps even men in this franchise!) to aspire to be like.

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This Trans Band Is Possessed by a Being Named Jennifer

The Girl Class EP is an ode to break ups, freak outs, and deep queer longing. Each song takes on a new perspective, writing through the eyes of best friends, lovers, ex lovers’ new lovers, and all the messy places in between. In the Girl Class EP, love is personified as something fantastic, gory, loud, needy, and needed. These songs were all written within the past year of our lives, and were the first songs we wrote together. They are our attempt at measuring the immeasurable; at understanding ourselves, each other, and the world around us.

All the guilt and shame you put me through was yours
No accountability for all the harm you caused

YouTube Clips of Gay Shows I Watched Obsessively To Get Off When I Was a Closeted Lesbian

This week I am six months on testosterone, which means that currently and chemically, I am both a 30 year-old lesbian and a 13 year-old boy. What do these two demographics have in common other than an undying love for their hometown team, haircuts that haven’t quite been figured out yet, and an unresolved need for their fathers’ love and approval? If you guessed “horniness,” you’d be correct!

Ever since I was a young girl, I wanted to be a 30 year-old woman. “Thirty, flirty, and thriving” is the future I had signed off on during my first puberty and what I had been working towards until I realized I’m trans. I can still become thirty, flirty and thriving, of course, but I have to make a pit-stop at pre-pubescent boy before I can get there. Amongst changes in my skin texture, body hair, appetite, and voice is also a change in how I… let’s just say… get off.

When I was a closeted lesbian, around ages 17 to 21, when I needed a little time with myself I had a fantastic rotation of media that would always get the job done. I would type into Google or Youtube something along these lines:

“Well-written television scenes with two adult women who are in love and in a long term relationship share a passionate kiss after a long day at work with an intimacy coordinator present on set.”

Now, at 28 with a weekly dose of boy juice to my recently hairy belly, I am lucky if I can finish typing “Pornhub.com” into a private browser (I know they’re not really private!) before I… finish. This silly and sudden switch up in media consumption got me reflecting on the very good, very gay Youtube videos I’d frequent. As an act of kindness and perhaps public humiliation, I present to you a list of television shows I have never actually watched, but have for sure jerked off to.

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Bette and Tina in season 5 episode 6 of The L Word

I have now, obviously, seen all of The L Word. But at the time, I had only watched the show through TiBette compilations, ultimately knowing nothing of their complete story line or relationship. The only thing that mattered to me was how much Bette loved to fuck Tina. Like holy shit. Say what you want about this couple, they can act the hell out of a sex scene.

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Arizona and Lauren in Greys Anatomy

Similarly to The L Word, I have become a full blown Shondahead since my humble beginnings of searching for “blonde doctors kissing during storm.” I actually find it quite impressive that I put so much value in a 1:23 minute scene completely lacking any appropriate context for why that scene was so hot. I wasn’t and haven’t really been taken by many of the queer hookups happening on Grey’s but for some reason, this scene holds up. Is it the cheating? The blonde femme for femme of it all? Was I experiencing unresolved Peyton Sawyer feelings?

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Archie Panjabi in The Good Wife

I have never watched so much of a proper minute of The Good Wife. If you asked me what this show was about, I’d tell you “It’s about a wife who is good.” What I could tell you, though, is every time stamp in which Archie Panjabi is kissing a woman. What’s her character’s name? Couldn’t tell you. What is her character’s job? Not a clue. Is she the good wife? From the clips I’ve watched, she seems like a very good wife to me!

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Nicole and Waverly’s first kiss in Wynonna Earp

The Wynonna Earp kissing scenes I watched almost converted me into an actual viewer. Almost. I loved that one was red headed and taller. I liked the little one, too. I liked that the first kissing scene I stumbled upon was their first kiss and it was in an office on a couch. I liked that there was always this sense of fear or danger going on behind some really passionate make outs. I did totally think one of them was named Wynonna Earp until I actually read the titles of the clips I was watching. I still don’t know who or what Wynonna Earp is.

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All of Willow and Tara’s kisses in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The cool and elder dykes reading this will be really mad at me for not having seen nor having any desire to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I’m going to be honest with you: I didn’t really even like these kissing scenes all that much. I was just so down bad to see two girls kiss that these ended up in the rotation. I suppose I am into the way Alyson Hannigan’s lips curl up with a smile or a flirt. This is another show where I’m like… okay neither of these people are naked Buffy? Who is slaying the vampires?

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Lena and Stef in The Fosters

Something I really liked about The Fosters, despite never watching the show, is that they were moms. So hot. I should have been searching “moms kissing” more. Fuck!

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Cophina kissing scenes in Orphan Black

My lesbian sister was obsessed with Orphan Black but I could never get into it. The most I could handle was occasionally checking back in to see who all was kissing each other. I learned the key phrase “Cophina” and didn’t ask any follow up questions.

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Once my hormones balance out, I’d love to get back in touch with my roots, because there’s even more lesbian kissing happening on television now than there was in 2013.

Anyway, I think they should make a 13 Going on 30 trans masc remake called 30 Going on 13 and it’s just Jennifer Garner turning into young Mark Ruffalo. Judy Greer stays exactly the same because she’s perfect. Who can I pitch this to?

A Love Letter to the Women of SNL, All of Whom Have Been Extremely Hot

Who Are the SNL Lesbian Cast Members?

Denny Dillon (1980 – 1981)

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Danitra Vance (1985 – 1986)

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Kate McKinnon (2012 – 2022)

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Sasheer Zamata (2014 – 2017)

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Punkie Johnson (2020 – 2024)

Now, Everyone Else…

Gilda Radner (1975 -1980)

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Laraine Newman (1975 -1980)

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Jane Curtin (1975 – 1980)

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Yvonne Hudson (1980 – 1981)

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Ann Risley (1980 – 1981)

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Laurie Metcalf (1981)

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Gail Matthius (1981)

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Emily Prager (1981)

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Christine Ebersole (1981 – 1982)

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Robin Duke (1981 – 1984)

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Mary Gross (1981 – 1985)

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Julia Louis-Dreyfus (1982 – 1985)

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Pamela Stephenson (1984 – 1985)

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Joan Cusack (1985 – 1986)

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Nora Dunn (1985 – 1990) and Jan Hooks (1986 – 1991)

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Victoria Jackson (1986 – 1992)

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Julia Sweeney (1990 – 1994)

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Siobhan Fallon Hogan (1991 – 1992)

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Beth Cahill (1991 – 1992)

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Melanie Hutsell (1991 – 1994)

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Ellen Cleghorne (1991 – 1995)

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Sarah Silverman (1993 – 1994)

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Laura Kightlinger (1994 – 1995)

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Janeane Garofalo (1994 – 1995)

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Morwenna Banks (1995)

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Nancy Walls Carrell (1995 – 1996)

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Cheri Oteri (1995 – 2000)

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Molly Shannon (1995 – 2001)

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Ana Gasetyer (1996 – 2002)

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Rachel Dratch (1999 – 2006)

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Tina Fey (2000 – 2006)

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Maya Rudolph (2000 – 2007)

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Amy Poehler (2001 – 2008)

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Kristen Wiig (2005 – 2012)

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Casey Wilson (2008 – 2009)

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Michaela Watkins (2008 – 2009)

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Abby Elliott (2008 – 2012)

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Jenny Slate (2009 – 2010)

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Nasim Pedrad (2009 – 2014)

Vanessa Bayer (2010 – 2017)

Cecily Strong (2012 – 2022)

Aidy Bryant (2012 – 2022)

Noël Wells (2013 – 2014)

Leslie Jones (2014 – 2019)

Melissa Villaseñor (2016 – 2022)

Heidi Gardner (2017 – present)

Ego Nwodim (2018 – present)

Chloe Fineman (2019 – present)

Lauren Holt (2020 – 2021)

Sarah Sherman (2021 – present)

Chloe Troast (2023 – 2024)

@chloetroast

#stitch with @Jahelis

♬ original sound – chloetroast

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Mo Welch’s Hybrid Documentary/Comedy Special “Dad Jokes” Contextualizes Humor in Real Time

This review of Mo Welch’s Dad Jokes was originally published in December. The documentary/special is being re-released this month, just in time for both Father’s Day and Pride! It will be available on 800 Pound Gorilla on Thursday, June 13 and on YouTube/TVOD on Friday, June 14.

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When Mo Welch first steps on screen for her docu-special Dad Jokes, smiling mischievously, it’s as if she’s about to tell us “My name is Mo Welch, and this is Jackass.” Standing in the middle of a rural Illinois road, Mo pretends to sheepishly deliver jokes for the corn stalks and livestock to either side of her. A quick cut to her being brought out on stage in a packed venue, and I’m immediately curious about how the hell she got from there to here. Over the next hour, I will learn not only how she got from farmland to limelight, but why.

Dad Jokes is a hybrid of documentary and comedy special: A camera crew follows Mo around Illinois as she prepares to meet up with her estranged father for the first time in 20 years…but it also has jokes. In fact, I can’t think of a time where Mo wasn’t cracking a joke — a coping mechanism I know well — and here we watch as she makes  jokes about her trauma in real time, as she is experiencing it.

To me, Dad Jokes is the epitome of turning trauma into content, not unlike modern true crime documentaries or “story time” TikToks videos that serve you some of the most fucked up, hard-to-swallow truths and immediately slap you with one of the corniest jokes you’ve ever heard. Mo is either a genius for figuring out the algorithm and stretching into long-form or my brain is permanently ruined. But I mean it! As someone who watches a lot of true crime documentaries, I couldn’t help but notice the lingering sense of danger and concern for Mo as she made her way around her home state in a pick-up truck.

Perhaps it’s because she visits cemeteries and prisons or because of the stories she tells of her abusive father — or both — but I grew scared to see how the special was going to end. A lot of the comedy I write is rooted in my trauma, which of course can feel vulnerable. But to quite literally face your trauma head-on with a camera crew? That’s a level of dedication I’m not sure I’m capable of.

Not only that, but, for the most part, Mo is alone here. There are some valuable moments of her with her mother, but other than that, Mo is on this adventure alone, which I have to imagine is how she felt in the wake of escaping her father. She must have also felt the loneliness that is coming up in comedy, and especially being a woman, specifically a gay woman, in comedy. I love this juxtaposition of loneliness on the road and being absolutely surrounded by people hanging on to every word she says while she’s on stage. It’s the reality of most comics, and I’d imagine most performers, and it’s portrayed very beautifully in this special.

My favorite use of the hybrid format is that you get to hear Mo’s jokes and then get to see the reality behind them right after. This is especially cool to me now because of the current discourse in comedy about how far we can stretch the truth in order to make a joke work. It’s common to lie in comedy — to an extent. Instead of saying “Six months ago…” we might say “Yesterday.” Rather than saying “My sister’s husband’s niece’s friend,” we would just say “My niece.” What you don’t want to do is say that something horrible happened to you and have some internet sleuth pull up the receipts and catch you in a lie. In this format, Mo doesn’t have to worry about any of that. Not only is she telling the truth, but she has the b-roll footage to back it.

Another favorite moment, which I’m curious how many viewers also noticed, is when Mo enters a gas station to try to find a souvenir gift for her dad. It isn’t uncommon to see Mo in random interactions along her journey in the special, sometimes in a gas station, other times in a fast food joint, and once at a stranger’s front door. But in this particular moment, Mo picks up a pair of sports sunglasses and tries them on.

Seeing her reflection, she says, “I can tell you, with all confidence, somebody that wears these sunglasses does not have the same political views as me.”

At the time, this felt like a throwaway moment; like a jab at conservatives’ style coming from a dyke in overalls. But in the penultimate chapter of the special, when she finally reunites with her father, he is wearing a pair of those sunglasses. After seeing that call back, I knew it wasn’t just a throwaway or a jab but rather a smart way of showing us how much of a stranger this man really is to her.

In these final scenes of the special, Mo sits under a pavilion waiting for her father to show up. With her, she has a stack of large, pink index cards held together by a binder ring, containing questions to ask him. It’s unclear to me what the intention behind this prop was, but I couldn’t help but feel like it captured her stolen adolescence.

As a young girl, I would get so excited about fun colors on index cards. I loved the aesthetic of being studious more than I did the actual studying. Test preparation was really just a handwriting contest with your best friends, and school supplies shopping was never about practically, but performance. So, seeing Mo holding this relic of wanting to be prepared, wanting to do a good job, and wanting to look good doing it, too, I mourned for her childhood. Further, I mourned the effects it had on her adulthood.

With her father finally across from her, willing to answer any and all questions she may have for him in front of a camera crew, she’s a different person now. The smirk is gone, the confidence seems stripped, and in a floral dress, it’s easy to see a young girl waiting to be picked up from school by her daddy. In anticipation, my mind begins to wonder, what could she possibly want to ask him? 

All supporting context would lead me to believe she’s going to hit him hard with really dark yet sarcastic questions like, “Did your life get better or worse when your family ran away from you?” or “What’s your biggest regret in life and don’t say that tattoo!” But remember, for every heart wrenching moment of Dad Jokes, there is an equally corny followup.

So, in the moment we had all been waiting for, she asks, “Who is your number one celebrity crush?”

It felt like she was making fun of me, the viewer, for falling for a trick. As if it was preposterous of me to have believed she’d take this seriously. Truly, how could I have just watched an hour of her pranky and unserious behavior and really think she’d be earnest in the moment. Everything I had seen before that interaction, Mo’s anxiety and uncertainty, her mother’s fear, prepared me for a moment much larger than what we got.

But isn’t that the point?

Isn’t the point of stringing me along for an hour, telling me stories about the trauma she faced, to explain to me why she is the way that she is now? There are so many ways in which someone can end up after going through what Mo did. Some people have a harder time coping with the trauma and turn to drugs or alcohol until it consumes them. Others want to grow up in spite of what they experienced, and they become therapists or social workers or foster parents. Some people can’t escape the trauma and go on to inflict it onto others.

And to some people, trauma is just a thing that happened to them. I believe Mo Welch is one of those people. I don’t think she grew up to be a comic because her father was funny and she wanted to be like him in order to feel closer to him. No, her mom confirmed he wasn’t funny. I believe Mo was always funny and always wanted to be a comic, and her estrangement with her father is just one item on a list of things that gives her good material.

Mo Welch is also a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a cartoonist, and a comic. In the standup portion of the special, we see just how much of Mo’s material isn’t actually centered around her father. She’s written fantastic jokes about queer parenthood, scissoring, 9/11 (every great queer comic has a 9/11 joke), puberty, sex education, and so many other topics that have nothing to do with her father.

I understand why she named her docu-special Dad Jokes; it’s because of how she started out in comedy. Most of her first jokes were about her dad, or quite literally in dad-joke-format. Dad Jokes feels less of a definition or categorization of Mo’s comedy and more of an origin story. If I dare assume, this experiment she did with her father will help her move on from her original dad jokes and usher in a new era of material for her. In fact, I think it will give her permission to move on now that she’s put herself out there and done something scary for herself.

I’m excited to see what that new era might be, and how, if at all, her learnings from this adventure will inform her new material. Maybe she’ll get new inspiration from raising her kid and release her second special, Mom Jokes.

Rachel Scanlon Is Here To Fulfill Your Butch ‘Gay Fantasy’

Rachel Scanlon Gay Fantasy feature image photo by Eliot Xavier

Rachel Scanlon, known also by the nickname Ray, is a comedian, writer, and the co-host of the internationally touring podcast Two Dykes and a Mic with fellow comedian McKenzie Goodwin. It’s easy to be envious of Scanlon’s comedy career. She has filmed sets for Don’t Tell Comedy, Just For Laughs, Comedy Central, and Netflix Is a Joke, all while co-hosting a wildly successful podcast. And now she’s released her second comedy special Gay Fantasy.

In a way, the special itself is a gay fantasy. It’s a display of queer joy and celebration of self without any caveats or discourse or apologies. The special is a reflection of what Scanlon has been able to accomplish in her 10 years doing comedy, which is to find humor in both the struggles and triumphs of the queer community. Her material is rooted in personal experiences — her upbringing, her identity, her relationships — but her jokes are also widely relatable. She’s not interested in spending an hour convincing us how she’s different from us or has a better opinion on something than we do. No, she’s much more interested in using that hard-earned stage time to remind us that despite our many differences, we all have something truly special in common: being gay.

Scanlon enters the stage in an outfit plucked straight from one of those “Soft Butch Starter Pack” memes that were super popular a few years ago.​​ On her left hand, she has a friendship bracelet stacked on a gold Casio watch but keeps it simpler on her right hand with a single pinky ring. She knows what she’s doing. She proudly wears a Gucci belt around the waist of purple cargo pants and a carabiner full of keys sits on her hip, which she later jingles as part of her “lesbian mating call.” There’s not a single sleeve in sight, as God intended. She’s dressed like the lesbian that will steal your girl at an invite-only Pride event — and will have you believing she can and will do just that — until she reveals she has a girlfriend at the 50-minute mark in what can only be described as a menacing display of confidence. It’s the kind of charm you expect and want from a butch lesbian. She remains flirtatious throughout her set but not because she’s flirting with us, because we want her to be flirting with us.

It’s this effortless flirtation and familiarity that allowed me to really tune out the rest of the world around me and just be entertained for an hour. The world is burning around us, literally and figuratively, and each day that I am conscious, I find new ways as to why people hate me and therefore, why I should hate myself. As queer and trans people, we always have to be on. We have to know what bills are being passed and which places are safe to exist in and who of our friends or loved ones have betrayed us. It’s exhausting. When I turned on Gay Fantasy, I got an hour of my time back from the world.

Make no mistake: Scanlon’s omission of big sweeping political statements and hot takes does not devalue the representation, nor does it make the special any less smart. What it does is, quite literally, provide us with a gay fantasy where we can focus on only the fun of being queer and not be constantly reminded of the threats against us. It’s not to say Scanlon is incapable of having these conversations or holding these values as a queer person with influence. Instead, it’s to remind us there are alternatives to trauma porn and doom scrolling and existentialism,  and it’s okay to indulge in them. In fact, we should.

The closest we get to anything resembling discourse in this special is Scanlon’s discussion of her fat family back home in Minnesota. She doesn’t punch down at her family or the families of midwesterners in her audience. She’s not there to make jokes at others’ expense, but she explains that this isn’t always clear at her shows in Los Angeles where folks are often offended on behalf of her family. “There’s nothing wrong with being fat,” she says to a rapturous crowd, “fatness is beautiful and strong and powerful and if you have a problem with that, that’s a reflection on you.” And then she moves on to more fat jokes. It’s not a source of pain or shame or trauma for her; she feels a great pride and joy about it, and that’s reflected in the comedy.

Even when Scanlon moves on to joke about her religious upbringing, it’s not to discuss how traumatic or challenging it was like most of us queers know it can be. We pretty much know how the story goes when a queer person is raised in a religious home or area, and while it’s important in dismantling homophobic and abusive systems, it’s not the story that Scanlon has to tell. She instead confesses that growing up, she wanted to be Jesus on account of the androgyny and attention from women. She even roleplays being a priest and handing out wafers during communion and gets herself excited thinking about the power that comes with granting forgiveness. She somehow found the queer joy in Christianity, which is apparently gender envy and domming.

My favorite moment in the special, and perhaps selfishly so, is when Scanlon makes observations about the coming out boom during the pandemic. I came out as queer far before the world shut down, but it was during those quarantine days that I came out as trans, quite literally through TikTok. I’ve heard many different takes on the influx of queer folks coming out during this time, and many of them are critical and a little self righteous. Not for Scanlon, though. “I think the definition of what it means to be queer has changed and expanded and I think it’s the best,” she says, “I think it’s a beautiful time because we now get to be exactly who we are.”

Often, I am made to feel a little less cool or less queer or trans because of when and how I figured it out for myself. There’s an instinct, I think, for older and cooler queer and trans folks to position themselves away from my graduating class, so to speak. And while Scanlon goes on to share how she’s been out since the Bush administration, it’s not to position herself as better than anyone, it’s simply to contextualize her own experience. It’s a great skill for a comic to draw comparison without taking a side, and one Scanlon possesses well.

Comedy is a fantastic way to distract from, cope with, or draw attention to harsh realities or big truths, and it has been that way since the dawn of time. It’s especially true now. Hannah Gadsby’s Gender Agenda was created in response to Netflix platforming transphobia, Jerrod Carmichael came out to a live audience in Rothaniel, and Wanda Sykes recorded her latest special I’m An Entertainer after living through a global pandemic and years of political unrest as a Black, queer parent. But comedy is just as effective in celebrating and uplifting joy as it is in making some kind of statement about the world we live in. That’s exactly what Scanlon accomplishes with Gay Fantasy. After watching it, you’re not left to make a conclusion about your life or the world around you. Instead, you step away from Gay Fantasy with a renewed sense of self and silliness.

More than anything, you’ll be kicking your feet and twirling your hair saying to yourself “Man, I love butches.”

Gay Fantasy is now streaming on Prime Video, Roku, Google TV, and Apple TV+

10 Ways To Avoid Running Into Your Ex During Pride

Picture this: You’ve just gotten into the highly anticipated Pride event you bought overpriced tickets for three months prior, after spending an hour in line in sweltering heat that even your battery-powered pocket fan cannot save you from. You’ve already spent $20 four separate times on your way to the event, once at the bagel store in the morning, another at the liquor store, once on an Uber and again on your party favor of choice. You take a look around, captivated by the different outfits, identities, couples and throuples and friendships, and all the queer joy surrounding you. You’ve been waiting for this day — you even used PTO to make it a long weekend — and nothing can get in your way.

Except for the ex that you just clocked from across the room.

For many of you messy bitches, running into an ex during any event, let alone a Pride event, would have you jumping for joy and scheming up a plan to bump into them near the gender neutral bathrooms. You’d act like it’s the worst thing that could ever happen but on the inside, you’re rubbing your little paws together like some cartoon villain ready to ruin everyone else’s day just to have a little drama.

But for others, running into an ex during Pride is not so much an opportunity for gay shenanigans and more of a Certified Day Ruiner for everybody involved. So here I am with a helpful list of ways you can avoid seeing your ex at Pride events, but I’m sure you can apply them to your everyday life.

10. Stop texting them

You would think that someone dreading running into their ex would be doing everything in their power to make that not happen, but you’d be wrong. We see you sneaky texting in the corner of the pregame! You think you’re having a friendly catchup in the spirit of Pride and then BOOM four drinks later and you’ve paid for an Uber to pick them up across state lines.

9. Stop sharing your location with them

You broke up THREE YEARS AGO!!! It’s time to stop sharing your location with them. Oh, yeah, sure… “It’s been so long they don’t even remember that they have my location!” Show me your screen time on Find Your Friends, and then we can talk. It’s scientifically proven, if you don’t know where your ex is, and if your ex doesn’t know where you are, the chances of running into each other decrease exponentially.

8. Make a really drastic change to your appearance

It has literally never been a bad idea to get a brand new cut and color, tattoo and/or piercing, and update your wardrobe right after a breakup. Debut a whole new you AND avoid running into your ex all with one $14.49 box dye kit. This has never gone wrong.

7. Wear an all-camo outfit

Don’t act like realtree isn’t in right now. Finally, a note we can take from conservatives that will have a net positive on the queer community. Deck yourself out head-to-toe in camouflage and blame it on Chappell Roan…your ex will never find you.

6. Dress up as a police horse

Think of this as a cunty new take on the Trojan Horse. There’s going to unfortunately be cops at Pride, and they’re going to have their little emotional support horses, so you may as well blend in. While you’re there, you could drop a couple turds on your colleagues, talk the other horses into unionizing and plan a coup, “see a snake” and cause a scene, and BONUS: You may make a bunch of new Furry friends!

5. Excessively post your location

Now, this one is a direct contradiction to tip #9, but different strokes for different folks. This one is perfect for folks with exes that can’t fucking stand them! Take the unique approach of excessively posting about where you are and where you’ll be so that your ex has no choice but to beg their friends to avoid those spots.

4. Move to a different state

Everyone’s always talking about long distance relationships, but no one’s ever really talking about long distance breakups. Why are you, a grown adult, living in the same city as your ex? Grow up! Quit your job and abandon your loved ones. That city is cooked, honey!

3. Hire a butch bodyguard to follow you around all day

If you’ve taken every precaution you can and you’re still feeling anxious about potentially running into an ex, simply hire a butch lesbian to be your bodyguard for the day and provide them with a picture of said ex (I am not responsible for said butch lesbian stealing your ex).

2. Hire a gaggle of lookalikes

Hold a casting call for folks who look just like you and hire 10-20 of them to dress up like you and then release them into the wild. This one may get pricey, but it is a guaranteed return on investment. Your ex’s head will be spinning all day every time they catch a glimpse of you (or what looks like you) without you ever once having to interact with them yourself. This tip has an additional subliminal effect resulting in a “Hey, we should talk soon” text from your ex.

1. Get back together

Listen, you won’t have an ex to avoid if you just get back together already! Who cares if you’re incredibly toxic to one another or if you already have a new partner, when has that stopped literally anybody? Afterall, Pride is for miracles and really, really bad mistakes.

9 Reasons Why I Think My Mom Is Gay

There’s a long-running joke in my family that my mom is gay. When I tell people this, they assume that her and my father are divorced or that he is otherwise out of the picture. He is not. The joke has evolved in a way that we’ve gotten her comfortable enough to self-identify as bi-curious, which I think is really rad and cool for her.

My mother grew up in Queens and went to an art and design high school in Manhattan where she was exposed to all different kinds of lifestyles. She then went to Bard College (gay) where she kissed her girl friends (gay) and studied art (gay), all while dating my father. Though she’s exhibited gay behavior her entire life, it wasn’t until about 2018 that we started asking questions. Here’s why:

She has her MFA in Creative Writing from Sarah Lawrence College

Going to Sarah Lawrence College is one of the gayest things you could do, and more people would do it if it wasn’t so fucking expensive. As an adult, my mom went back to school and got her MFA at Sarah Lawrence and was a graduate assistant on the literary magazine.

When I came out to her, she responded by saying “I used to make out with my girl friends in college all the time!”

I know that this is typically a no-no in terms of how people should react when someone comes out to them, but for me, it was nice knowing she was a little dykey. Most of the time, when someone says this, it’s in the “haha oh yeah of course I kiss girls when I’m drunk” way but I knew that when she said it, she meant it.

Two of her four kids are gay

We know that queerness is genetic and until Salma Hayek transitions, my dad is not gay. Also, statistically speaking, my mom is one of five girls and the only other “maybe” in that family sadly passed before we could confirm.

She has an incredibly close relationship with the NYC lesbian biker group “The Sirens”

On more than one occasion, my mom has traveled on the back of some butch’s motorcycle through New York State. She attended the wedding of two of the members. She’s even been thinking about buying a motorcycle for herself!

Her favorite Game of Thrones character is Brienne of Tarth

My mom wants to climb Brienne of Tarth like a tree. She’s obsessed with her and was just as disappointed as I was when it turned out the character wasn’t gay. Her second favorite character is, of course, gender nonconforming Arya.

One of her favorite movies ever is The Hunger

No matter if she was hot for Susan Sarandon, Catherine Deneuve or David Bowie… that shit’s gay!

She fully referred to herself as a lesbian once

I lived in North Carolina for a little over a year during the pandemic. Once, my mom and my lesbian sister visited me and during a car ride, I mentioned how nice it was to finally have another lesbian in the area. She looked me dead in the eyes and asked, “Who? Me?”

She frequented the NYC dyke club “Shescape” in the 80s

When my mom told me this she also told me that her friend, who is gay, used to get mad at her for going to Shescape since she wasn’t gay. To that I say… BI ERASURE!!!!

She co-founded a non-profit breast milk bank

The only thing that could make founding a non-profit gayer is if the non-profit was for boobs. Just kidding — it’s actually a really beautiful and important organization that quite literally helps save the lives of thousands of premature infants. HOWEVER, a lot of people do assume that she is gay when they find out what she does for work.