Dear DaemonumX,
I just had a breakup from my first polyamorous relationship and I feel like a failure. After about six months something imploded. It feels like I had too many feelings and my now ex, who had years more experience than me, just didn’t want to deal with my newb vibes anymore. She would often dismiss my questions or what I thought was me standing up for myself/setting boundaries by implying that if I was truly poly I wouldn’t bring these things up and I would be chill. I admit that a lot of times in this relationship I was not chill, and I feel kind of ashamed about that now. I want to do better next time and I’m wondering what your advice is for newbies and/or dating more seasoned polyamorous partners?
Sincerely,
Eager to do better
Dear Eager,
Thanks for this question! I think this specific scenario you’re describing is really significant and I want to tackle what could be going on from all angles. I’ve heard different variations on this scenario many times. I wrote a zine a few years ago about polyamory where I crowdsourced from friends and partners different red flags they wished they’d heeded when beginning their polyamory journey. Overwhelmingly, most of them said that early on they dated someone who weaponized experience and language against them to infantilize or manipulate them. “If you were a real ___, you’d do ___.” I’m not trying to say your partner did this specifically (or maybe she did?) but I think this is a good place to start.
When we don’t see our own relationships or desires mirrored back to us in society or media, there’s a blank slate for us to bring our wildest dreams to life. With any kind of alternative relationship (not cis-het monogamy) I think there are power imbalances that exist simply from having prior experience. Think of an older gay showing a baby gay the ropes, or an experienced domme playing with a new sub— the same exists for someone who has practiced polyamory before and someone who is dipping their toes in for the first time. The new person tends to defer to what the experienced person says is good or The Right Way, just because they trust that someone else knows better. This is great when it comes to something like apprenticing for a new skill, you want to stay humble and defer to your teacher. However, for matters of the heart and in relationships where you can choose your own adventure, allowing someone else to dictate The Right Way is never going to be in your best interest.
Let’s say that you ask your partner some basic questions about her new date and she answers with “Why do you want to know? This feels like an interrogation.” or “I don’t talk about other dates because that’s private.” Those responses can leave someone feeling really shut down and even ashamed for being inquisitive. A few more of this type of response and that person just stops asking questions at all. I know exactly how this feels because I’ve been there before! Another example is if you bring a hard emotion to your partner like, “Hey it didn’t feel good when you canceled our date to hang out with your other partner.” and the reply is something like “I’m sorry but that’s just how it goes in polyamory. I’ve been dating them longer so they always get priority. You would understand if you had more experience.” This answer may make a new person feel like they clearly just don’t know what polyamory is! And that they don’t have a right to be upset that their partner is acting like a jerk!
All this to say that I hope this isn’t the type of stuff your ex was saying! New or not, your feelings should be heard and you should be able to ask for what you want, advocate for your needs, and at the very least have your questions answered. Doing polyamory for the first time can be A Lot, and if your partner isn’t up for the patience that dating a polyamorous novice sometimes requires, they definitely shouldn’t be dating people who haven’t had prior experience. What’s most important, though, is that no matter what you are allowed to be an active participant in steering the ship of any relationship you are in. A one-sided relationship where only one person is calling the shots is a huge red flag.
You mentioned that you were not chill a lot of the time in this relationship. I’m here to first tell you not to be so hard on yourself! Nothing has been chill for a very long time *gestures broadly,* so if you get a little rowdy with your emotions, who can blame you? I assume you’d like to be more chill in your next relationships, and that’s a fair goal. In processing your breakup, definitely take your own inventory. Ask yourself where the anxiety was coming from? Were you feeling activated in some way? What do you have to work on? It’s always good to try and do better! I also just want to point out that in my most not chill times in relationships, I was dating people who were exacerbating my pretty baseline feelings of polyam anxiety, essentially the lifelong task of unlearning monogamy culture, by either lying, refusing to share information, or telling me that my feelings meant that I wasn’t radical enough. Surprisingly, I’ve been extremely chill since I stopped dating people who essentially don’t share my core values.
For the future, I recommend standing in your power. The more you are sure of what you want (or at least sure of what you don’t want) and the kind of bullshit you won’t stand for, the quicker you can weed out prospective dates who are not going to be the best match for you. Think of all the times that something your ex did or said gave you pause and you kept quiet for fear of being too needy, or seeming “not poly enough.” Make a list of what you should have said or would have asked for if you weren’t made to feel like you didn’t have a say. You’ve just made a list of your new boundaries! Be vigilant in the future about not shrinking yourself and pay attention to your future date’s responses to your feelings, needs, wants, and desires. If someone has a pattern of dismissing you or shutting you down, know that this is not a trait of people more practiced in polyamory, it’s a trait of people who are just selfish.
Consider this time as a blessing to take a step back and do an exercise in dreaming for yourself. There are so many different styles of polyamory and you will eventually find the one that works for you. It’s so easy to collapse all polyamory into one relationship style when it is really an umbrella term for being open to loving more than one person romantically. If you haven’t done this already, think really hard about how you might want to orient yourself in this lifestyle. How full your life is already can help you determine what you have space for and where your capacity may end. You have some experience under your belt now, and that’s great! What about your past relationship didn’t work for you? What were the things you wish you had more of? What do you want to do differently? Polyamory in theory is one thing, but remember that you have to put it in practice to actually figure out if your ideals work for you.
More advice for people new to polyamory besides me screaming from the rooftops not to shrink yourself is to get some community! Depending on where you live, I know that this is easier said than done. Online community can be really important here as well! Not only does community help you feel less isolated, but witnessing other people’s relationships can give you insight into what you do and do not want for yourself. TBH, witnessing other people’s extremely messy relationships explode has helped me keep my own self in check (what not to do!). This advice also harks back to what you said about your ex dismissing your feelings or telling you that you weren’t really polyamorous for having those feeling. Community and close friends help us to reality check both our own behavior as well as our partners. It can be hard to get advice or feedback you can trust if all of your friends are monogamous.
For example, let’s say I’m having some hard feelings of jealousy and I act out on those feelings by doing something that doesn’t align with my values. Let’s say that I create a fake Instagram account to follow (stalk) my partner’s date. My expectation and standards for my friends is that when I mention to them that I’m doing this, they immediately call me in and tell me that I need to delete the account and get it together. They ask me what I’m doing to manage my jealousy instead of being a creep about it. Friends who don’t lean in and ask me to be accountable are not friends I want to have. Another example in the other direction is that when my partners are treating me badly, let’s say someone is dismissing my feelings constantly and refusing to acknowledge their toxic behavior. My friends will also let me know “Hey, this behavior is really gross. How can I support you in standing up for yourself?”
I think the themes here are to really get to know yourself and what you want, start setting boundaries around other people dismissing your feelings, make an active effort to find community or at least a few polyamorous friends who you can trust, and always be kind to yourself. Choosing to have relationships that are different from the majority of the world is not a small feat, the road will be bumpy. If you know in your heart that this is for you, it’s really worth the effort. There’s no rush, Eager, you will meet the right people and figure out your own rhythm in time!
Dear Daemonum X,
I need some guidance on my current relationship. My live-in primary partner and I have been together for six+ years. We decided to open our relationship and be non-monogamous two years ago. We are basically opposites, I’m super outgoing with tons of friends and she is a shy introvert with two best friends, she loves staying home and I love going out, I’m sexually adventurous and she’s vanilla. All these reasons make it really practical for us to be non-monog and we can get needs met from other places. However, she has only slept with one other person in the last two years while I don’t know if I can count on two hands what number I’m on. Anyway, our relationship feels really uneven. I really want her to be out having fun experiences, and I have a fantasy of us doing some of these things together. When I encourage her or invite her she isn’t interested. Is there anything I can do to make her come out of her shell? Being a hedonist alone is just kind of… lonely.
Sincerely,
Lonely in Love
Dear Lonely in Love,
The first thing that comes to mind is the tale as old as time, yes I’m talking about Beauty and the Beast. You know the completely romanticized love story that teaches us how magical it is when opposites attract? The beautiful country girl finds love in the spelled angry beast. In your case — the feisty outgoing free-lover falls for the quiet bookish recluse (I may be embellishing a little bit but stick with me). Taking the theory of magnetism and applying it to romance just doesn’t work. In fact, psychological research has disproved the adage that opposites attract time and time again. Most happy relationships are between people who are actually quite similar. Maybe you have more in common than you’re letting on, but sticking around despite your myriad of differences may actually be doing you a disservice.
Although your advice question was directed at “helping” your partner, I actually want to talk more about you! I’ll assume you’ve been pretty happy in your relationship since you’ve been together for so long. You’ve had six whole years to learn who your partner is, what she’s into, and what she’s comfortable with. So my question is, why don’t you see her? What I mean is — you know she’s an introvert who sticks to herself and likes vanilla sex. She sounds lovely. What I’m hearing from your question is that you want to change someone with perfectly fine behavior to be… more like you? That’s pretty fucked up. Do you think that your partner is a reflection of you? Do you feel like she’s holding you back? Or, maybe you feel some type of way about your behavior and think that a partner in crime will quell your shame? I could continue to guess what’s at the bottom of this but ultimately you should try to understand your impulse to control and shut that down fast.
“My partner would be so perfect for me if they would just ___.” Unless this fill in the blank is something mundane like “stop leaving their hair in the shower drain,” it’s gotta go! No one is perfect, and it’s wild and unrealistic to even project that onto someone. Everyone’s differences are what make them special and interesting. How can you accept your partner for who she is and stop thinking the ways her (perfectly fine) behavior makes you feel lonely is something you need to fix in her? What can you do to get your needs met that doesn’t include projecting or controlling?
You said it yourself, one of the great things about non-monogamy is that you can have lots of different intimate connections that help you get all your needs met. If you think about what you need in order to be happy, does that include having a live-in primary partner that’s the life of the party who you can have sexual adventures with? It’s totally fine to have those needs and standards for your relationship. However, the ethics of coaxing your partner into fundamentally changing who she is are not in your favor. It’s your responsibility to get your needs met, and if your partner can’t be the match you’re looking for then maybe it’s time to evolve your relationship (breakup, deescalate, move out, etc). It’s possible that having more life experience than you did six years ago and learning more about yourself has shown you that your needs have changed and so must your primary relationship.
It might be good for you to be with someone who you’re more aligned with in terms of outgoing personality and hedonist predilections. However, you might go out and get what you want but still feel lonely. Companionship is super important, but unless you have a solid relationship with yourself you might feel a pattern of loneliness even when you’re in relationships. If you’re looking for others to complete you or fill some type of void that you feel, most of the time that specific call is coming from inside the house. You’re a whole ass person all by yourself! I don’t know if this is what’s going on for you specifically, but it’s something to watch out for as you may be moving from one relationship where you feel lonely into others where that feeling doesn’t go away. Be sure to check in with yourself and make sure you’re constantly working on having a better relationship with you.
The last thing I want to advise you on is the part of your query where you lament the uneven feeling in your relationship. An uneven feeling is a problem when we’re talking about the housework, or the childcare, or the rent. However, if you’re feeling uneven because you’ve been fucking lots of people and your partner hasn’t, or because you’re a party monster and she’s a snuggle monster, this doesn’t seem like a problem to fix. If you’re non-monogamous these issues should, in theory, be solved by the very definition of non-monogamy. Why do you feel the need to be “even” in what you’re doing? If your partner doesn’t want to have sex with as many people as you, that’s ok! Meeting new people is a lot of work and isn’t always a fun time for everyone. I strongly advise you to stop comparing yourself to her and stop troubling the gaps between your behavior that are simply indicative of the natural difference between you two.
Lonely In Love, I really hope my words gave you a gentle wake up call. Whatever you decide to do with your relationship, I strongly suggest you do some deep journaling about your desire to change your partner, and your desire for a more equal count of fucks. Can you accept your partner for who she really is, and can you see and appreciate her differences as traits that endear you to her? Are you able to soul search and decide if your feeling of loneliness is something you need to solve within yourself, or is it actually trying to tell you that you would be happier in a more aligned relationship? I’m sure you know that only you can answer these questions. Good luck!
Daer Daemonum X,
After almost six months of painful penetration, I found out that it was actually caused by an STI (trichomoniasis). I told my partner C, who is newer to polyamory, and they kind of freaked out. I honestly thought they would be happy for me (just a week of meds and not something much more serious), but instead they guessed which of my other partners gave it to me and said lots of inappropriate things that seemed biphobic. I’ve done a lot of work to get over the sexual shame I learned in my Catholic, rural Texas upbringing. It’s obvious that C still has a lot of stigma around STIs. I know lots of polyam people use protection with all partners all the time, but that’s not the kind of sex I like to have so there are going to be some risks. My questions are mainly how do I deal with disclosure in the future? How do I ask my partners to get educated on STIs so I don’t feel so judged? I don’t want to get an STI again, but I also don’t want to be judged for it.
Sincerely,
Shameless
Hi Shameless,
I’m glad you figured out your painful sex issue and I’m super happy that it was such a quick solve! It’s wild to think that people who are polyamorous and so “sexually liberated” can still cling to archaic ideas around STIs, especially in the past year. If COVID has taught us anything, it’s that no one is ever completely safe given all precautions. Most STIs are mere inconveniences that clear up with a cycle of antibiotics, but people still tend to overreact. It’s a relic of our puritan society that people assign moral value to STIs just like they to do sex itself. Leave it to ex-Catholics to unlearn that shame! I can’t tell you how many times someone has confessed an STI diagnosis or scare, accompanied by three very serious words: “Don’t tell anyone!” First of all, I’m not in the business of sharing people’s STI status. Second of all, the plea for secrecy screams shame when there isn’t anything to be ashamed of. There are risks to everything and contracting any number of STIs is the risk for knowing another person biblically.
I’m a polyamory coach by day, and a kink educator by night. The venn diagram of what makes polyamory relationships successful and what makes kink relationships successful looks a lot more like a circle. Safety is paramount in kink education and there are what we call “safety frameworks” to follow and discuss with partners before you jump into a scene to make sure everyone knows not only what the risks are, but that they also understand that everyone involved has agency and is consenting to the scene with full knowledge of the risks. Safety frameworks make sure everyone is thinking about risk and responsibility in the same way.
One of these frameworks is called PRICK, or Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink. It’s a mouthful, but what it means is that before getting down to business, those involved discuss all relevant information about risk, make informed decisions about consent, and then understand that by consenting they have a responsibility to that yes. Some examples are I’ve never done this before, or There is a risk of nerve damage, or Being called a slut is a trigger for me. I call this laying your cards out on the table. This framework relies on everyone being honest and willing to share all necessary information because they understand that anything less is manipulation. The personal responsibility piece is very important because it holds everyone accountable to setting their own boundaries. Say your rope top tells you that you could get nerve damage, which is a very common injury in rope bondage. You agree to do it anyway and you eventually do get a nerve injury. The PRICK framework means that your injury was the result of a risk you understood and consented to take. Just like people who go skydiving!
Polyamorous relationships and having sex with multiple partners is a lot like this. If someone already has ten partners when you meet them, they should disclose that right away and then you get to decide if you potentially want to be someone’s eleventh partner. With sex, it’s about having an honest discussion about STI status and risk, other partners, the last time you got tested, etc. If you have unbarriered sex with the same three people but don’t get tested very often, you need to disclose that to all potential sexual partners so that they can make an informed decision in line with their risk profile. If your whole polycule is practicing personal responsibility risk aware consent, one person cannot be blamed for an STI because everyone consented to the risks.
So, Shameless, in the spirit of answering your questions (finally!), you need to make sure you’re having these conversations and check-ins with all the people you’re getting naked with. Talking about STIs in a realistic way helps make them less scary and reduces the stigma, which is great for everyone! You said C is new to polyamory, but is C also new to sex? Think about the PRICK framework — did C already know that you don’t use barriers with your other partners? That’s a really important thing to disclose so that they can make their own assessment of risk. If they did know and consented, then contracting an STI should theoretically have been inside of their risk profile. Shaming or judging you is definitely not taking responsibility for their own agency and consent.
Now, one of your other questions is getting at whose responsibility it is to educate about STIs. Let me be loud and clear that it is every sexually active person’s own responsibility to understand the risks. I repeat, it is not your job to educate your partners about STIs. However, not everyone is going to do the responsible homework and read up on STIs. Not everyone has the capacity to fully understand statistical or medical information. It is not condescending to suggest that your partners do some research. You can offer to talk about it or answer any questions that would help them to understand better.
There is another factor at play here that I think is really important because it’s extremely emotional. Not only do people need the facts, they also need to perform an assessment of risk. The tricky thing about risk is that it’s subjective and influenced by so many emotional factors outside our control. Much like your partner’s shaming reaction to your disclosure, risk assessment is rarely rational. According to risk expert David Ropeik (this study), several factors are already in play that make the evaluation of the risk of STIs more emotional and less realistic. There’s the oppressive social stigma, STIs are most often invisible, and then there’s the fear of personal impact. With this in mind, even someone with all the facts may still choose to be extra cautious or create boundaries for themself that are not grounded or centered in the realistic capacity for harm. There’s unfortunately not much you can do about this!
You mentioned that your partner said some not-so-ideal things about your other partner who may have given you the STI, and that these comments seemed biphobic. There is really no excuse for this, except for ignorance, which is absolutely not an excuse. A lot of people who don’t have sex with cis men love to think this makes them safe from STIs. Not only is this not true, it’s dangerous because it means that they may be engaging in higher risk sexual behavior by thinking they are somehow safe. Whatever the source of their shitty response, I recommend asking your partner to unpack their biphobia and make it very clear that it’s fucked up and you won’t stand for that!! Hopefully your work unlearning shame has benefitted you here in that you already know that their reaction is about them and not about you.
My next bit of advice is to make sure everyone is getting tested regularly for STIs, especially if your polycule is not closed off to new partners. Like you said, no one wants to get an STI, so being proactive about testing is a great way to prevent contracting and spreading infections. Unfortunately, it does still require a bit of education to advocate for yourself with your doctor. For instance, trichomoniasis is usually not included in most basic STI panel tests, so even if you were getting tested regularly it very likely would have flown under the radar. Herpes and HPV are other STIs that doctors will not even test for unless you show symptoms. It’s ok to quiz your doctor and make sure that your test panel includes everything you’re at risk for.
It’s a wild and confusing sexy world out there! Having sex with one person is hard enough to navigate, having sex with several will usually necessitate an increase in the amount of communication and safety precautions needed to keep everyone as safe as possible. There is no way to over-communicate about sexual health. The only real way to be 100% safe is with chastity play and the more you understand that, the easier it is to accept that STIs will happen — you can tell your partner I said so!
Dear Daemonum X,
I started dating someone about six months ago named K who already had a long-term partner of two years. For context, I also have another partner named L. Everything has been really great and smooth and things have been going well until fairly recently. K started dating someone new about a month ago and is already spending a lot of time with her and I’ve never been so jealous in my life! I’m not sure what’s going on with me. I tried to talk to her about it but I got super upset, mostly with myself for feeling this way. I’ve never felt anything more than low grade jealousy that passes super fast with any of my other partners in any of their other relationships. I’m starting to feel resentful towards K, I think, because her relationship is the cause of all these feelings. How do I deal? I don’t want to feel like this anymore!
Sincerely,
Jealous Judy
Dear Jealous Judy,
Congratulations if you’ve gotten this far into polyamory and haven’t had difficult jealousy feelings yet. Truly, a miracle! People think jealousy is something that only polyamory newbies feel, and once they’ve spent an arbitrary amount of time in several relationships at once they simply ascend to a higher being that doesn’t feel jealous. This must be true because why would people continue to do things that make them uncomfortable? Why would anyone choose to suffer in polyamorous relationships when they could easily go back to the land of monogamy where jealousy simply does not exist!? All jokes aside, it’s understandable why you’re feeling really out of control and down on yourself about this considering you’re not a newbie. If you’ve never had these feelings before, of course you don’t know how to deal with them.
Let’s start there, JJ, in hopes of ridding you of some shame. This is my campaign to normalize jealousy at all levels of polyamory. Actually let’s go one step higher and normalize jealousy in all relationships, period! It happens, and it means you’re human, and it is okay! This is super annoying of me to say but most of the time I see jealousy as a gift. You feel it’s scaly little body start swimming in your stomach and you want to get rid of it immediately but hear me out! What if it’s actually here to teach you something.
Jealousy is mostly irrational (no one is *making you* feel jealous), but there are instances where jealousy is a beacon of intuition that we need to actually listen to. Jealousy can signal to us that something is wrong. If your partner is actively doing some shady things that make you feel jealous, that is totally not cool and you should listen to your gut. Hopefully you’ve already discerned that this is not the case, but let’s talk about that real quick for our readers at home. It is possible to incite jealousy in someone else. For example, years ago before femme4femme was more popular, I was dating someone masc and we happened to have the same type—femmes. Because of the way our community prioritized masc-femme relationships, I didn’t have much dating luck at all. My date knew this, and constantly threw it in my face. He would brag to me obnoxiously at length about how many femmes were interested in him, practically banging down his door to date him. While no one owes me a date or attention ever, trust me when I say that he was trying to make me feel badly by constantly pointing out how desirable he was. I unfortunately didn’t listen to my gut when I knew he purposely inciting jealousy and that ended very badly. I recommend diving deep to understand if your jealousy is actually stemming from reality by asking if someone is truly trying to make you feel insecure or unworthy?
Most of the time you will likely discover that your jealous feelings are completely irrational. The useful axiom “feelings aren’t facts” comes into play here. In other words, what you’re feeling is real, but it’s not necessarily true. That’s the pesky thing about jealousy that everyone hates so much—if you dig a little deeper you’ll find that it’s highlighting a story you’ve made up, or a story that others created and you’ve internalized. “My partner is dating someone with a PhD and I have a GED. Soon she will realize how stupid I am and break up with me!” This is an example of a made up story that’s fueling jealousy completely founded on internalizing wack ideas that higher education actually makes you smarter, better, etc.
A lot of times we get bad feelings as a result of comparing ourselves to other people. Making a list in your head of why you don’t stack up to your metamours is a fast track to being miserable. Therapist and mindfulness teacher Tara Brach said something about comparing yourself to others that kind of changed my life. She said that (paraphrasing) the second you compare yourself to someone else, you vacate your own life experience and disrespect yourself and the other person. In comparing, you’re projecting onto other people, which also denies them agency. It’s helpful for me to think about the act of making comparisons in this rather extreme way even if these comparisons are only in my head.
Maybe you’re someone who’s pretty secure and emotionally adept and you just haven’t had your very specific spot poked at yet. What spot? The spot that turns you into Jealous Judy. We’ve all got it! The sensitive spots can be so different for each person. Some people have ten while others have one. Sometimes people can’t deal when a metamour is similar to them because it makes them feel like there’s a master plot to replace them. Some people can’t deal when a metamour has a skillset or career that they wish they had. Sometimes it’s all about the looks—is K’s new partner so hot that it makes you feel like Gollum in comparison? Once you start to feel this unpassing form of jealousy try and map out what spot is being poked. Is there a story there that you’ve created or internalized that you now have to work to unlearn? Try to be kind to yourself and remember that beating yourself up or shaming yourself for having a hard time will not help you at all.
It’s a cliche at this point but just naming exactly what The Spot is really is half the battle. I’m a huge horror movie fan. In movies about demonic possession like The Exorcist or The Conjuring 2 it’s always part of the plot line that once they figure out the name of the demon they’re trying to exorcise, the demon loses some power. Jealousy is just like that, duh! Once you’ve learned what’s going on, and can speak the story out loud or write it down, it will disempower your illusions or unfounded beliefs that are underneath it all. The work, however, doesn’t stop there. Next, you have to try to step outside the story that you have about yourself that’s making you feel insecure.
The last way that jealousy can be a gift is that it can illuminate when we have needs that aren’t being met. The fucked up thing is that sometimes it’s a need you didn’t even know you had! Let’s say that you don’t feel an ongoing jealousy about K’s new partner and you can pinpoint very specific times where you have felt jealous about their relationship. For example, let’s say that K brings her new date to her friend group’s zoom hang out and then tells you that all her friends really loved her, which sends you into a spin of jealousy. You play it cool because acting out on your jealousy is not a good look. After spending some time thinking about your feelings on your own you realize that you don’t even remember the last time K asked you to spend time with her friends. Friends are super important to you and you have the realization that you would love to get to know K’s friends better if she feels comfortable with that. Bam! Your jealousy shined a light on something you didn’t really know you needed until you saw someone else getting it! Now you can talk to K about your revelation and ask for what you need. Just be careful here to discern that it is actually something you need, and not something you want just because you saw someone else getting it.
In summary, there are three main things that conjure jealousy— someone’s actions are actually making you feel bad (a red flag), your spots of insecurity are being poked, and/or you have needs that aren’t being met. You say “I don’t want to feel like this anymore” at the end of your question, and while that’s a fair desire, I can’t guarantee you will magically stop feeling this way. Getting to the bottom of what thing is conjuring your jealousy is a good way to start working through those feelings though, and hopefully you’ll eventually be able to “deal” or at least not resent K and her new relationship so much for spurring these realizations in the form of jealousy. The good news here is that a lot of this work can (and must) be personal work, so ideally you can redirect your energy from resenting K to exploring your own wants and needs. Or, if K’s behavior really is providing a red flag, you will come to that realization, too. I have confidence that you can figure this out!
Lucky for you, jealousy is a super hot topic in polyamory, so if you’d like to delve deeper into your feelings there is no shortage of self-help resources on the World Wide Web (like The Jealousy Workbook and this episode of Multiamory about Deconstructing Jealousy!). The number one thing I want you to remember is to please be kind to yourself on this journey — and remember to name your demons.
Dear Daemonum X,
I have had two separate situations where I started dating someone and felt like it was going great and then was broken up with because my date’s other partner was freaking out or having a crisis of some sort about our connection. I understand that feelings are hard and dealing with jealousy is scary, but this sucks big time for me. I know that my dates weren’t happy to end our relationships, either. The second time it happened I had already fallen in love and was really crushed. I felt so used and discarded.
I make it a point to only date people who are legit polyam (not just test driving) in hopes that they already have this messy stuff sorted out. I understand that there are many different ways to practice polyamory but my opinion is that this isn’t polyamory. Do you have any advice for how I can try to avoid the people who would cut me out because someone else is uncomfortable? Is there anything I can do differently? Signs? Anything helps.
Sincerely,
Discarded
Dear Discarded,
In polyamory speak, what you’re describing is called a veto. You’ve been vetoed, several times in fact. That truly sucks! For everyone following along at home a veto is where each person in a relationship has the power to end the other person’s relationships. Essentially, “I vote against you dating this person. Break up with them now because I said so and I’m the most important, thanks!!” I personally haven’t been in your position, but I will let you in on an extremely embarrassing secret. In my first polyamorous relationship I definitely attempted to veto (and failed) my partner’s partner — Yikes!! Context notwithstanding, thank goddess we all live and learn.
Now, I am going to do my best to help you scrape your broken little heart out of the veto bin and prepare you with my infinite wisdom to avoid this situation again. While I agree with what you said wholeheartedly — the power of veto doesn’t feel polyamorous — it is not uncommon for polyamorous people to have this eject button in their relationships. In my experience this is usually a characteristic of primary-partner based polyamory that relies on a hierarchy to structure all relationships. (Before everyone gets upset with me, I want to be clear that not all people who have hierarchical relationships allow vetoing.) The primary partnership is centered and uplifted and a veto helps them self-preserve by eliminating potential threats. You, Discarded, were somehow a threat!
Another note on veto power is that it’s used to eliminate a source of insecurity that is usually correlated with conflict in the relationship. For most of us working to unlearn the trappings of monogamy, watching your partner fall in love with someone else can be terrifying. Ramp it up a few notches to Horror Show if you have abandonment issues. Various types of trauma can cause us to react to perceived threats in destructive ways (like control) instead of developing healthy coping mechanisms. Polyamory is a gift in that it lays bare all of the shit that needs work and pokes at you pretty consistently until you explore it. It’s difficult and there will be growing pains but if you’re committed to this lifestyle it’s absolutely necessary work. The veto stops this growth and says “I don’t want to feel bad anymore so let’s eliminate the reason I feel bad.” Well, when that reason is a living, breathing human being with actual feelings who did nothing wrong and didn’t sign up to have a relationship with the vetoer, that’s really not cool. I like to call this collateral damage.
So, let’s break this down further. There are so many very different ideologies around being non-monogamous. Someone could be into don’t ask don’t tell while you want a fucking commune of free love. I think it’s crucial in dating in any capacity to figure out what your personal ideology is so that you can make sure that you’re matched up better in the future. It sounds like you really don’t get down with veto power, so that’s a good starting point. Think more about your ethics and desires and craft the ideal situation for you. Do you want to date people invested in unlearning monogamy? Are you committed to doing the hard work to feel secure in your relationships? Do you want a fucking commune of free love? Journal it out!
I’m going to share some of my own relationship ideologies to give you an example. Some of this may be obvious if you’ve been following my advice columns thus far. Unlike when I was younger, the idea of telling my partner they’re not allowed to date someone would never cross my mind because my relationship ideology centers personal choice and freedom. My relationship ideology is interdependent, not codependent. I don’t feel that anyone is a threat to me because I don’t believe that anyone can “steal” my partners away. I know that my partners are free to leave me whenever they want and that’s not scary, it’s actually comforting. If they do leave me, it won’t be for someone else because they are also committed to a life of abundance where we get to love many people at once. When I have hard feelings or jealousy come up, I know that trying to control my partners will not make me feel better. I am responsible for my own feelings. I do not date people that I do not trust.
I’ve found that it’s a weirdly polarizing stance among queers as to whether or not you should get right down to direct questions of compatibility on the first date (I’m pro) but think of it like any other questions you ask to get to know someone. When you’re looking for something specific it’s best to just go for it! In your case, it would have been better to know from the jump if your date’s partner was lurking in the shadows weilding an invisible relationship labrys and ready to cut you out at any moment. Right?! One of the questions I get most often from clients I work with on polyamory coaching is “What am I allowed to ask someone about their other relationships?” The answer is whatever will help you make more informed decisions about whether or not you want to date them. For me this is everything from gauging if our political views align, if we are sexually compatible, and what kind of polyamory they practice. Also, if you ask a very basic question like “Tell me about your partners” and someone responds with “It’s not your business” then that alone should tell you everything you need to know! In other words, don’t be afraid to ask questions!
The questions you ask new dates to hopefully shield you from similar and avoidable brands of heartbreak in the future should get at your foundational values aligning, finding out their dating landscape, and overall compatibility. For starters: Do any of your partners have veto power over who you date? Do you break up with people when one of your partners feels uncomfortable? How do you deal with jealousy and hard feelings in your relationships?
My last piece of advice to you, dear Discarded, is to make sure that when you’re getting into relationships with people who are already in relationships that you’re not just going with the flow. A lot of people feel less confident in taking up space or asking for what they need when someone they’re dating already has other established relationships. I think this is why people are very hesitant to ask the probing questions because maybe they feel like the other person has the upper hand. Remind yourself to check in with you, don’t shrink yourself. Rather than folding yourself into what someone is already doing because it seems fine, focus on what makes you most happy. Is this the relationship you’d design if you had no restrictions? Are you just going with the pre-established flow? Sometimes the hardest questions we ask are the ones we ask ourselves.
Dear DaemonumX,
My girlfriend is polyamorous, bisexual, and married to a man. She is closeted both about being bi and about being polyam. For example, she says she’s close with her father and they tell each other everything but he doesn’t know she’s bi or that her and her husband aren’t monogamous (let alone that I exist). I told her when we started dating that I could anticipate struggling with missing out on a large chunk of her life because she is closeted, but at the time it was a non-issue. I’m lucky that I am safely out about my orientation and my relationship structure. I would never ask her to do anything that would make her life worse, but I feel like I might miss out on a closeness with her if she doesn’t come out. How do I deal with feelings of being hidden?
-Casper
Dear Casper,
This sounds super painful and I’m so sorry your relationship is making you feel invisible. For those of us that have already come out of the many metaphorical closets, going back in is just not an option. This is a double whammy because you not only have to watch your girlfriend’s traditional hetero relationship be validated by her loved ones, they also don’t know about you at all. There’s a ton to unpack here so let’s get to it!
As much as it may feel personal, it’s important to understand that this isn’t about you. Your girlfriend’s decision to be closeted is hers and not based on how much she cares about you. This almost makes the situation more complicated, right? “If she cared about me, she’d be out!” It’s unfortunately not so easy. Everyone has their own pace for these things, and some people live their whole lives in the closet only for their loved ones to discover the truth in photos or journals left behind. The point being—she may never, ever come out. In order to continue dating her, you have to make peace with that fact now and forgo placing hope onto an outcome. Can you do that?
You didn’t mention the reason that she’s not out and I probably shouldn’t guess, but there’s a lot I can glean just from the few sentences you’ve written. You do mention specifically that it was safe for you to come out and also that coming out would make her life worse, which leaves me wondering what is the threat to her safety? What is at stake? Her current situation that seems to be a hetero marriage with close parental support sounds like a safe landing. Of course coming out as both queer and polyamorous are a threat to that privileged set up. I just am dying to know what there is to lose by coming out? Bigoted family, shitty friends? It’s literally a queer rite of passage—people do this all the time with much less of a cushion. She’s allowing people she is supposedly close with to make assumptions about her life that keep her in a comfortable social status, but also keep you locked in the dark like a dirty secret (unless of course that’s your thing). My spicy take is that it sounds like she’s lacking some integrity?
Every relationship has people coming together from different backgrounds and bringing unique life experiences, privileges, and power dynamics. I think to be in any kind of relationship ethically, the least we need to do is talk openly about these things and at most compensate for them with action. A simple example is class difference. If you have money and your partner is poor, you should share your money. This could be anything from paying the rent to just paying for dinner when you can. With polyamorous relationships, we then have added responsibility to be in conversation about how the dynamics of our other relationships may be impacting each person. Your situation is a great example. Your girlfriend is in a public-facing monogamous straight marriage. Do you talk about how this makes you feel aside from being hidden? Honestly her responsibility in holding this social privilege from her other relationship essentially means that she should be mindful about how to make you feel special and prioritized. Ideally, she’s also acting on making you feel special and prioritized. How can that ever happen if she’s hiding you?
Anyway, let’s get back to you. This is about you! These aren’t decisions that you can ever make for her and asking her or anyone else to come out is absolutely not something you should do. So, what can you do? I always say that the only person you should control is yourself. You can reexamine your relationship, figure out what you need, set boundaries, break up. You have lots of options!
Let’s talk about dealing with the feelings around invisibility and potentially missing out on intimacy that comes along with being folded into her life. When you love someone you want to meet all the people that they love. It’s healthy to want to learn more about someone and be endeared to them through their relationships to others. When that’s not an option, or is being withheld, it can feel stifling or lead to resentment. What do you need to feel secure and safe if you stay in this relationship? Let’s call on our best friend Boundaries. Boundaries are here to support us getting what we need. If you make a list of all the things you deserve in relationships like “I deserve to not feel invisible,” or, “I deserve intimacy,” then your boundaries should support those.
Boundaries for this situation can vary depending on how you feel. You can dial back your relationship to be more casual so that you don’t have any expectations of meeting her family. This may help you feel less invisible, readjust the way you think about intimacy with your girlfriend, and free up more time for you to focus on other dates. You can go a different route and ask to spend more time around people in her life that do know she’s queer and polyamorous (assuming there are at least a few more than the husband) to compensate for not getting to meet everyone who doesn’t know. Do you see how these are different ways of essentially supporting what you know you deserve?
There’s a bigger picture to think about here too, Casper. You could decide after successfully setting boundaries and asking for what you need and getting what you need that it just isn’t enough. You may decide that in order to truly prioritize yourself while not trying to control anyone else that you have to let this relationship go. Beyond the hurt of feeling hidden, so much life experience comes from being out as queer and being out as polyamorous that when one person in a relationship is still closeted it can feel like a serious imbalance. This could thrust you into a role of guide that you don’t necessarily enjoy or consent to. Through this experience, you could learn that a new dating boundary for you is that your partners must be out. That’s a fair boundary and will, at the least, ensure that you don’t get into a situation like this one again.
The options for dealing with your hurt feelings are many, and the path is yours alone. Think about what you deserve in this relationship, and all relationships, then create your list. How can your boundaries support you getting more of what you deserve? How can your boundaries protect you from further hurt? Please remember to prioritize yourself and your needs, detach from outcomes, and that you deserve to thrive.
Dear DaemonumX,
I’m polyamorous and have been with a partner for three years. The first few years were great but lately I’ve been more and more confused about my feelings. I’m learning a lot about myself from getting more into BDSM, while my partner is vanilla. I’m in therapy and actively working on myself, while they aren’t. They consistently ask for more of my time and attention than I want to give. I have so much love for them and I feel awful thinking about throwing away our three year relationship or hurting them in any way. I also feel like I don’t really have a reason to break up with them. Do I keep dating them and try to shift to a more casual relationship? How do I know when it’s time to break up for good?
Sincerely,
Stuck
Dear Stuck,
If time is a strange thing, then queer time is The Upside Down. In queer relationships three months can feel like three years, and then three years feels like a decade. It makes so much sense that you’re weighing how long you’ve been together as a reason you don’t want to end your romantic relationship. Time breeds intimacy, familiarity, and comfort. I’m sure you’ve built a ton of great memories in those years and feel comfort and even pride in staying partnered with your person for this long. I think a lot about those sneaky relics of straight time that permeate our queer realities. The idea of breaking up, and/or transitioning your relationship to platonic as somehow a failure or throwing something away is one of those pesky ideas we need to unlearn. We see breaking up as failure because straight society tells us that we’re worth more if we find someone to monogamously partner with for life (and serious bonus points for getting married and having kids). Guess what? You’re already failing straightness by being queer, by being polyamorous, and by being into freaky shit. Just like we can resist straight time, we can resist straight notions of failed relationships.
I think of the Death card in the Tarot deck. To a Tarot novice, drawing the Death card is frightening and ominous, but in reality Death means change and transformation. It reminds us that change comes for us all, and whether we want it or not it’s always better to embrace it. My first advice to you is to release the idea that relationships ending or transitioning means that they have failed. This isn’t death. Instead, think of your past as being in service to your future. Loving and being loved, learning and growing in experience — these are all generative takeaways from relationships that hopefully leave you both in better places than when you first met. That is the best possible scenario for a breakup.
Another thing I think we feel more intensely in queer time is sentimentality. We all latch onto cultural markers like coming out stories, first queer love, first queer sex. Sentimentality is especially pertinent in the pandemic times we’re all living through. Right now everyone is fondly remembering the past and yearning for things that we miss even if we’ve outgrown them —bumping into drunken dykes at extremely overcrowded Brooklyn dance parties is top of mind for me, sob! Sentimentality, and it’s friend obligation, can ultimately keep you stuck in a place you no longer belong by making you think that because your partner was there for you in these really significant ways, and you spent all these years together in love, therefore you are tied to them and owe them your future. People often shift their boundaries to prioritize this sense of obligation to others, which in extreme cases can be wildly harmful and at a severe detriment to themself. You can honor your past while releasing it and recognizing that now you’re a different person with a different path.
If we’re lucky, we’re not the same version of ourselves that we were three years ago, or even last week, and that’s wonderful! Congrats on deciding to work on yourself with a therapist and explore new interests like BDSM! Learning and growing and changing are what life is all about. What’s that saying? A snake who doesn’t shed dies. You’re becoming a (hopefully) better version of yourself and you’re stretching farther towards what nourishes you. The hard truth of this is that you will grow away from people you’ve been close to, including your romantic partner. You may start to attract others into your life who you relate to more, who you can talk about your kinks with, or swap stories about your latest therapy breakthroughs. Spending more time with new people who are feeding these parts of you might highlight just how far you’ve grown apart from your partner.
For relationships to last long-term I truly believe that people have to continue to grow together and reach towards similar things. It just isn’t realistic to expect that every relationship will have two people growing in the same direction, or even at the same speed, until they die. My friend recently congratulated someone when she found out they just got a divorce. Sure, this sentiment might be hurtful to someone with an open wound, but if you think about change and transition as positive it’s easier to accept a divorce as a fresh new start. Apologies to all the romantics who are reading this, but I’m someone who believes that relationships are doomed from the jump. Statistically, we will probably break up and understanding this as a fact helps me detach from all outcomes and be more present in my relationships. Remember, by queering the notion of “failure” we can unlearn breaking up as necessarily A Bad Thing. This doesn’t mean I don’t try hard, or want to keep people in my life for as long as I can, it just makes it easier to let go or transition the relationship when it’s time. Celebrate it, even! So, now to answer your question: Is it time?
A super common theme with my polyamory coaching clients is this: Polyamory means we don’t have to break up, right? I can just have stricter boundaries and shift my relationship to be less serious, right? Yes, this is absolutely right! A wonderful aspect of polyamory is that you don’t have to break up. Because you don’t have to choose just one partner at a time, you can ebb and flow relationships to fit a rhythm that works for you considering the myriad factors that contribute to making a relationship work. You can turn the hose on full blast, or you can turn it down to a sprinkle. You can also just turn the hose off! But this reasoning is often used as an excuse to continue giving energy to people and relationships that we simply shouldn’t. Trust me, I’ve been there!! Just because you’re polyamorous doesn’t mean you shouldn’t practice discernment. Shifting your relationship to a more casual romantic relationship when you’re really just not feeling it anymore is not fair to your partner (it’s lying), and it’s not fair to you either.
You also mentioned that your partner wants to spend more time with you than you want to spend with them, that you don’t want to hurt their feelings, and that you don’t really have a reason to break up. This reads to me like you’re definitely not on the same page overall. Not telling someone how you feel, other truths, or not breaking up because you don’t want to hurt them is actually cruel and codependent behavior. The simple fact that your fire has fizzled out is a perfectly valid reason to break up. Wanting to shift your limited amount of time and energy into new connections that make you want to be sprayed in the face with that hose is also a valid reason to break up. Transitioning from romantic partners to friends (if that’s what you both want) might be the best way to honor the past three years you spent together. Truly loving someone means supporting their growth and wishing the best for them even if it doesn’t include you. I’d argue that this is one of the foundations of polyamory as well.
Now, in case I haven’t been explicit enough — I am coming out as Team Break Up. Breaking up might be the best thing you can do for your relationship, and to honor the love you have for each other and your history together. I hope that you can have an honest conversation about where your personal growth is taking you, and hopefully transition your relationship into something that feels more fulfilling for you both.
Dear Daemonum X,
I’m having trouble figuring out if or how I should address discomfort with the way my partner is engaging with her other partner. For example, my partner is great and in our relationship she has good boundaries and communicates pretty well. However, I notice that with her other partner she seems to have really poor boundaries, isn’t honest about her hurt feelings, has poor communication that leads to more hurt feelings, and the cycle continues. I know she is capable of these things because I see her enact them in our relationship. She also talks a big game about boundaries and communication being important so I know she really cares about this. The dissonance is confusing and disconcerting. I’m completely willing to accept that it’s none of my business, but am I allowed to have a boundary around the treatment of my metamours?
— Disconcerted
Dear Disconcerted,
A really common theme that pops up in many different ways from people seeking polyamory advice is “Am I allowed to…?” So often in relationships we doubt ourselves, second guess our instincts, or think we aren’t allowed to ask for what we really need. There are a million different reasons why it’s hard to advocate for yourself. Asking for what you need can be really scary. It might be that we’re ashamed of having needs at all, afraid of being too much, and there’s always that pesky fear of rejection. It’s easier to avoid it or make up excuses for why we don’t actually need The Thing we need. We want permission to be allowed to ask for The Thing we need. Disconcerted, consider this your permission.
We’re taught to think that other people’s relationships aren’t our business. If other people’s relationships aren’t our business, then that means our partner’s other relationships aren’t our business either, right? I, for one, think it’s really dangerous to have relationships in isolation away from community or other people who can provide important perspective and help us be accountable. I think that it benefits everyone to make sure we’re all treating each other well and working towards being better people. I’m not saying it’s appropriate to comment on a stranger or acquaintance’s relationship, but when it’s a friend or partner that you are close with it’s definitely appropriate. No one is perfect and everyone fucks up — once we accept that we can all work together on getting it less wrong.
In polyamorous relationships we get the unique experience of witnessing how our partners interact in other types of intimate and romantic relationships. Seeing my partners in deep relations with others, witnessing them being loved and cared for, and watching them grow is truly one of my favorite things. When it’s good, it’s really good. The flip side, the realistic side, is that it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes we witness the person we love exhibit unhealthy behaviors and patterns in their other relationships. We might even be in a relationship with someone who is being abused by someone else. Something important to understand here is that we cannot control other people or the relationships they have, how they treat others, or how they are treated by others. It’s never our job to fix or save anyone else. However, we do have the ability to support our partners in many ways, as well as the gift of setting our own boundaries.
Boundaries are our manifestations of how we deserve to be treated and what we will accept from others. Their job is to protect us and to ensure that we can have healthy relationships while practicing self-preservation. In addition, we have personal boundaries we set with ourselves because the relationship with ourselves is perhaps the most important one. Not speaking up for yourself is crossing your own boundaries. Keeping your feelings inside when it would benefit you to share them is crossing your own boundaries. That being said, when it comes to your boundaries — you are absolutely allowed and encouraged to set whatever boundaries feel self-preserving and affirm your values while not trying to control other people.
As you said, the dissonance in your partner’s behavior with you compared to her behavior with your metamour is concerning. Different people bring out different parts of us. In my experience, some people just make it easier for us to be our best selves. This is not an excuse for treating anyone badly, but it is important to remember that we’re all at different stages of healing from whatever trauma we may have and unlearning survival tactics that no longer serve us. Let’s just say that you’re secure, confident, accountable to your own boundaries, and communicate well. You may have created a safer place for your partner to heal in relationship with you. It’s very possible that the pairing of trauma responses, attachment styles, or codependency (etc!) between your partner and metamour are setting them up to get stuck in a cycle of reopening old wounds. For example, if they have opposing attachment styles like avoidant and insecure it means they have to work a lot harder to meet in the middle. Or, if they both have trauma responses that activate each other, normal conflict will often feel like a constant state of emergency. When we learn these things about ourselves, a lot of our behavior patterns start to make sense and then we understand why it may be harder to step out of an unhealthy cycle. Working together to be mindful of our own trauma or destructive patterns in relationships can set up a healthy dynamic to heal from shame and grow with those we love.
Part of having close relationships is the gift of being accountable to others. When we’re on the wrong path and our actions don’t align with our values, our partners and friends should call us in and remind us to do better. Watching your partner act out unhealthy behavior in her other relationship is something you should absolutely discuss with her very kindly and without judgment. By letting her know exactly what you’re witnessing, it’s bringing awareness to her behaviors. She may not even realize what’s happening, or she might just need a little support or encouragement in setting boundaries with others. If she is aware, she might feel stuck in a loop and feel powerless to stop. Loving someone means helping them to account for their behavior. From what you said, it sounds like your partner cares about fostering healthy relationships and working on herself, and she demonstrates that in relationship with you. This is a really positive sign that she will be receptive to your feedback.
Now, let’s talk about what’s best for you to do in this situation. It’s pretty clear that your first step is to talk to your partner about how uncomfortable it makes you feel to see her crossing boundaries and not communicating about her feelings in her other relationship. Explain how you are observing a disconnect in her actions vs her words. Make sure she knows that you are bringing this to her attention because you know it goes against what she’s told you about her ethics. Remember to speak from a place of love. Do you want to be a support person for this? How much support can you offer without becoming enmeshed in your partner’s other relationship? If you feel you can offer support (reminder that it’s totally fine if you can’t!), talk about what that looks like and what would feel good for both of you. This could be as simple as quick, loving reminders in the moment, “Hey, I see you doing that thing again that you don’t want to do.” Or, it could look much more involved like listening and processing with her. It is very important to remember that you’re her partner and not her therapist! You can listen and cheer her on, but pay close attention to when you start to feel uncomfortable or drained because that’s a sign that it’s time to set stronger boundaries. Ideally your partner has friends and/or a therapist who are also supporting her.
If and when you need to, it’s totally ok to let your partner know that you need to create a boundary around her other relationship. Listening to someone complain constantly about interpersonal conflict when they refuse to just sit down and talk about it is really fucking draining. Avoiding conflict helps no one. You can say something like, “I don’t want to hear you complain about X because it’s clear that you’re not talking to them about your feelings and that makes me uncomfortable.” I always feel that I can’t fully trust someone who complains about others instead of just talking to them because it shows me that they can’t handle conflict. Setting this boundary supports you and your values while not trying to control your partner. Creating limits on what you will and will not listen to or support is very fair.
Dear Disconcerted, please know that you have permission always and forever to set whatever boundaries you need with anyone at any time and for any reason. Boundaries are wonderful tools that allow you to cultivate stronger relationships, and we all need that! Remember that helping your loved ones by pointing out their harmful behavior and offering support when you are able is an act of kindness. I wish you the best of luck!
The first time I watched the 1995 leatherdyke documentary Bloodsisters was sometime early in 2017. My ex, who was a collector of leather books and zines, brought some DVDs over for date night. I distinctly remember choosing Bloodsisters over Preaching to the Perverted (1997) because I was drawn to the cover art on the DVD. There was black block letter text on an appropriately deep red background that read Leatherdykes + Sadomasochism. What stood out to me the most was the image of the back of a naked woman bound tightly with thin twine from head to toe. The tightness of the twine caused the bursting and bulging of her flesh around the taught wraps, which is an erotic affect of rope bondage I like to call “sausage tie.” I just knew it was going to be good! Bloodsisters delighted me so much that I was upset I hadn’t heard of its existence before that night. I’ve watched it about five times since then, taking in what I’ve come to know as my erotic lineage.
At the rate that queer identity shifts and evolves, a documentary about dyke sexuality from the nineties should feel a lot like a time capsule. I cringe just reading books that were written even ten years ago because our language and how we think about gender and sexuality has changed so much. Bloodsisters interviews eight or so major players (ie leather famous) in the San Francisco scene including Patrick Califia, Robin Sweeney, Tala Brandeis, Wickie Stamps, Queen Cougar, and Skeeter, among many others. There in my living room, twenty two years after its release, I was watching leatherdykes face the same challenges and have the same conversations we’re still having today. They talked about being outcasts from the larger lesbian community due to their SM lifestyle. They talked about losing friends and family members for either being queer, or into leather. They talked about political issues and how they can’t trust politicians to keep them safe. Except for the mullets (ok maybe the mullets too), it felt current and pertinent.
Leatherdyke is a sexuality, and those of us who identify with it are automatically associated with perversion. When you’re turned on by filth, blood, and pain, no matter how hard you try you simply cannot bring it back from the margins. You cannot make dyke SM sexuality respectable in the eyes of society, and for many of us that’s even part of the appeal. The risks and the stigmatization of waving your freak flag have only moderately improved in the last twenty-five years. The watered down, mainstream ideas of kink have only moved the needle so far. Leatherdyke sexuality carries an inherent politic of anti-respectability and for that it has always been ahead of its time.
Bloodsisters premiered at NewFest in 1995 at a time where it was accepted, but not with open arms. The Christian right and anti-porn feminists, many of whom are also lesbians, have had a common goal in the censorship of sexually charged media. In fact, Bloodsisters was dropped from distribution due to the American Family Association’s pressure on Congress to ban funding for artists whose work was sexual or homosexual in nature through the National Endowment for the Arts (Ron Athey and Robert Mapplethorp were also targeted). Bloodsisters has come back around to screen at NewFest again in October 2020 on tour for its twenty fifth anniversary. In a Q&A with NewFest, Director Michelle Handelman spoke about her motivation for creating the documentary. She went to an International Ms. Leather (IMsL) contest in 1992 and was enamored by what she witnessed— a community where sexuality and politics go hand in hand. She described the draw of leatherdykes combining erotic pleasure and political activism.
What many outsiders don’t know is that leather is more than just hot sex. Leather communities and organizations have a long history of activism, mutual aid, charity work, and dedication to education. For example, the world famous Folsom Street Fair is known as a public display of hedonism but it was actually founded to raise funds to fight gentrification in San Francisco’s SoMa neighborhood. There is a scene in Bloodsisters where Skeeter is teaching a workshop on pervertables to a captive audience in someone’s backyard. Pervertables are common household items that can be used in SM, like clothespins and plastic forks. When you don’t have the money to spend on fancy toys because you’re a poor, working-class dyke, this is a small but life-changing political action. Having community leaders welcome you in and assert that you don’t need to wear expensive leather or have a bag full of pricey gear to be part of this scene opens doors for a lot more dykes to enter. Education with class consciousness really speaks to the larger community values.
Filmed over ten years after the height of the feminist sex wars, we can still feel it heavy on screen. In the film, the cast heads to D.C. for the March on Washington for Lesbian, Gay and Bi Equal Rights and Liberation, which drew over one million participants in April of 1993. Protest signs featuring the logo for the National Organization for Women flood the march as one of the leatherdykes explains that when NOW finally decided to show support for lesbians, there was a caveat. As one of the largest feminist organizations, they declared war on what came to be known as the “Big Four” issues: pornography, public sex, sadomasochism, and pedophilia. Both public sex and sadomasochism have always been integral parts of leatherdyke culture. By equating pedophilia with a list of consensual sex acts between adults, NOW was boldly stating exactly who didn’t belong in the feminist movement.
My absolute favorite part in the film gives me chills— the San Francisco leatherdykes rolled into Washington D.C. clad in leather and joined the march surrounded by the contingent from the National Organization for Women. They created a large enough gap in the march so that Tala Brandeis could wield her bullwhip that appears to be no shorter than twenty feet long (drools) on the back of a very willing bottom. This was public sex. This was sadomasochism. This was a political act of protest from a trans woman, leatherdyke sadist amongst a marching sea of feminists who had already decided that they weren’t fighting for her rights because she didn’t deserve rights. Her very existence was disrespectable. As Patrick Califia says in the film, “We can’t exist without activism.”
Another way this film has held up over the past twenty five years is through the way leatherdykes relate to both gender and sexuality with a sense of imagination that we can all stand to learn from. A lot of my personal writing and thinking is around queer imaginations, especially erotic and political imaginations. This is informed by my own leatherdyke identity where I can be a femme woman and a Daddy at the same time. In community this dissonance doesn’t raise an eyebrow. Something that several of the interviewees mention in the documentary is the distinction between a dyke and a lesbian, situating themselves amongst the former as it works to both reclaim the disrespectable (it is a slur after all) as well as encompass a larger spectrum of gender and sexual experience. Robin Sweeney, who has since transitioned, described himself in the film as “an effeminate faggot bottom bi woman.” While this may be confusing for a lot of people, the leatherdyke imagination is vast enough to embody this seemingly conflicted identity.
Many who play in leatherdyke spaces have come to appreciate it as a sort of gender playground. When we’re roleplaying, we’re fantasizing, we’re using our wildest imaginations for erotic pleasure. We can choose a persona and be validated instantly through engaging in scenes with others. In her Q&A with NewFest, Michelle Handelman remarks about the film being timeless, noting that this was an era before pronouns and yet people were changing their pronouns “by the hour.” The leatherdyke culture values our own bespoke identities over the ones we are forced to embody in society. As such, in Bloodsisters we are told several times that there are no rigid rules of gender or sexuality for who gets to be in the dyke club, or come to the dyke parties—what is referred to as ”non-separatist.” The cyclical discussions popping up weekly on Twitter of “Who’s allowed to reclaim the D slur?” or “Do bi lesbians exist?” seem misguided when my queer lineage is folks like Robin Sweeney who showed us exactly how a leatherdyke can be a “faggot bi woman.”
Art that spotlights leather subcultures chips away at the shame of exclusion imposed on us by our own larger queer community and supposed feminists, and makes people feel less alone. The impact Bloodsisters has had on uplifting and destigmatizing leather is hard to completely comprehend. I wonder how many young dykes have found themselves in this documentary over the past twenty five years, watching it in secret and dreaming of others out there just like them. What was perhaps meant to document a moment in history has proven every single time I’ve watched it that it hasn’t aged at all. This is both a testament to the lack of progress in the larger scope of American politics, but also affirms that leatherdykes have been forward thinking when it comes to sexuality and gender long before Bloodsisters was created. I am forever grateful for the spark that this film ignited in me, in my queer imagination, and in the connection to my erotic heritage.
Join us and NewFest for the virtual screening of Bloodsisters: Leather, Dykes, and Sadomasochism, director Michelle Handelman’s enduring 1995 film that documents the queer outlaws of the San Francisco leather scene. Get a Festival Pass or tickets with a $2 discount at newfest.org/festival with the discount code AUTOSTRADDLE20. The New York LGBTQ Film Festival runs October 16-27 and features 120+ new films and events on demand. See you there!
Feature graphic image by The Gender Spectrum Collection.
Dear DaemonumX,
My long term partner and I have had the conversation about our desire to open our relationship up (about 4 months ago). However, we’re struggling with moving past that initial conversation. We’ve talked about it briefly but it feels like we’re both stuck in moving to the next step. How do we make sure we’re communicating well and on the same page? How do we go about actually pursuing polyamory and making it a reality?
— Ready Already
Dear Ready Already,
First I want to congratulate you on taking the scary step #1, which is that you had the initial conversation about opening your relationship! I wish I could say that the hardest part is behind you, but the truth is that in pursuing non-monogamy you’ll likely have conversations much more difficult than that one. Not to scare you away, but the consciousness shifting of unlearning monogamy calls for some enhanced communication and lots of processing. There are countless things I wish I had known before I started out, and lucky for you I’m here to tell you the things that will hopefully make your transition into polyamorous relationships much smoother. So if I may say so, Ready, it doesn’t sound to me like you are.
Most people experience consensual non-monogamy for the first time while opening up a monogamous relationship. It’s understandable that people like to feel secure and build a strong relationship foundation before welcoming others into the mix in one way or another. I find that because of this, people new to polyamory assume that it always revolves around one couple—two people in a relationship date other people outside that relationship — or that you need to have a partner to be polyamorous. It’s always “We are polyamorous,” and rarely “I am polyamorous.” Polyamorous means you’re open to loving more than one person, or that you don’t cap yourself at one romantic partner. In the same way you can be gay and single, you can also be polyamorous and single. You don’t need one or ten partners to make that valid.
One of my absolute favorite things I learned after deciding to be polyamorous is that it’s a choose your own adventure game. For better or worse, we see examples of monogamy everywhere our whole lives, it’s our default and at the very least we can just look around and copy what others are doing. Because polyamory is not mainstream, there aren’t really any pre-packaged scripts that society has given us to follow. Here’s the fun part: This means that your wildest dream of how to approach relationships is only limited by your imagination. This is how it should be. I urge you to take advantage of this and Dream Big! Close your eyes and imagine your life is overflowing with love. What kind of love makes you feel free? How would you like to feel supported? What do you need to feel safe? (It’s also ok not to know yet!)
Before you dive in and live your dreams, there’s some grounding work to do first. Polyamory is a practice that requires some level of knowledge so you don’t go around being messy. Sometimes I think about how much better off we’d all be if we learned how to have healthy relationships as kids. Most of us don’t know the first thing about being a good partner and we learn by trial and error. Changing your course now from monogamy to polyamory means that it’s time to learn, and learning means doing your homework! Luckily there are tons of resources out there like books, zines, and podcasts that can help get you up to speed (unfortunately way more information than I could ever fit here). At the very least, you should try to figure out which brand of polyamory you want, how you’d like to structure your relationships, what your boundaries are, and even some communication skills. You and your partner can make it fun by sharing podcasts and books with each other, discussing, journaling, and envisioning your future together. Super gay!
Having multiple relationships at once ethically requires intention, accountability, and practice. We’re forced to talk about things we’ve never shared before, in ways we haven’t before, and confront feelings and behaviors that no longer serve us. This is so wonderful, but to be honest, it could also really kick your ass. I always advise people who are new to polyamory to over-communicate at first—your feelings, your fears, what you’re doing, who you’re into. Putting all the information out in the open helps to shield against the anxiety of secrecy or cheating (yes you can cheat in polyamory)! Boundaries around receiving information and communication are great, and you’re allowed to set whatever boundaries you need to protect yourself, but if you don’t want to hear about your partner’s other dates you should take some time to interrogate why. Lots of people set communication boundaries to shield themselves from hard feelings of jealousy or insecurity. Society tells us these are bad feelings and we should get rid of them. In polyamory we learn these are actually quite normal and build really important skills and strategies to manage them! I have never met anyone in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” open relationship that has lasted very long, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try if that’s what your heart desires!
So, circling back to your question. Being on the same page with your partner requires all of the above, doing the work separately, and together. Do your research, dream big, set boundaries, over-communicate, and process. In my unhumble opinion, you can start dating others whenever you want, but it only becomes ethical once you put this work in. Keep in mind that what you think you know and how you feel on day one may very well completely change on day two. Keep an open mind and be flexible to the possibility of change as you explore and settle in. Being on the same page also doesn’t mean that you need to be equal. Get comfortable with the fact that one of you might be dating while the other is not. You don’t have to match what the other is doing, which might seem fair but in reality is a fast way to resentment and burnout.
You mentioned being stuck. You and your partner are on the same page, ready and excited to date, so what are you waiting for? This is actually really common! I think there are two things at play here, shame and fear. Monogamy culture is so incredibly pervasive and a lot of people who enthusiastically want to practice polyamory are very hesitant because of the shame. Many people might not understand or support your choice. People in my life have dismissed polyamory as just free love orgies with seventeen partners and an excuse to be a slut (not that you need one). While this may indeed be a wonderful benefit of non-monogamy, there’s a lot to unpack here. You’re going to need to remind yourself often that you’re not doing anything wrong, you’re not cheating, and your relationship choices are just as valid as monogamy.
Fear holds us back from doing many things we want and realizing our full potential. There’s a very real fear that leaving the comforts of monogamy will mean your partner might find someone new and decide to leave you. I’ve heard this a hundred times before and it’s a real roadblock, often for both partners. I’m here to remind you that the beauty of polyamory is that no one has to choose! You can both fall in love with new people and still continue your relationship at the same time. As long as you’re happy no one has to leave anyone! This is part of the unlearning work we do when shifting away from monogamy — the scarcity mindset imbued by our capitalist culture makes us think there’s never more where that came from. When this feeling comes to you, retreat back to the place where you envision your life overflowing with love. Remember, dream big!
Once you’re ready, the initial shift into dating new people is a lot like dating people when you’re single — you can use the dating apps or meet people through friends, etc. However, now there’s a lot more information that needs to be shared with new dates! You should definitely put in your dating profile that you are polyamorous. Then, you have to get comfortable not only telling people you have another partner BUT ALSO laying out the structure of your relationships, and any relationship agreements and expectations you have with other partners. For example, if you’ve decided on a hierarchical polyamory structure with your current partner, you should communicate to new dates that you have a primary partner, if you live together, and how much time you can dedicate to dates, etc. If you and your partner have decided on any other agreements that limit your relationships with other people, now is the time to communicate those as well. Think about it this way — all this information gives your new date the informed consent they need to decide if they want to continue dating you.
Healthy romantic relationships are expansive playgrounds for healing and growth. When we are then challenged with multiple relationships at once, the magic is multiplied. We have many opportunities to learn, unlearn, and relearn all the ways to care for and relate to each other in loving ways that we were never taught. This is such an exciting time and I wish you and your partner so much love, compassion, and lots of fun! Ok ready, let’s recap all we’ve learned. Dreaming big? Check. Research? You got this. Sorting through fear and shame? Sorting! Download the apps? Done. I think now you’re actually quite ready!
She always said that if you celebrate something, it means you think you deserve it. It was a warm night in February when we got that fancy room at the Standard, a one-night staycation to celebrate our two-year anniversary. We had planned an evening of debauchery and room service; outfits were chosen, and toys were packed. She was feeling uneasy, still, because she didn’t think she deserved it – the room, our relationship, me. Some times it’s more obvious than others how trauma hoards your happiness.
I had been simmering for weeks on how I was going to cautiously bring up, for the second time, how I wanted to officially shift our relationship into a power exchange dynamic. For me, this felt like an increasingly natural progression. There had been a first time – I broached the subject almost a year before and asked if she felt these roles of dominant and submissive bleeding out from the play space and into our relationship. She said no. She had told me many times that she didn’t think she was submissive, just the bottom in our relationship, and a switch elsewhere. I accepted her answer, and at the same time I already felt her submission. I often wondered to myself how she thought she wasn’t a sub when she offered service to me, and offered me her body to use as I liked, and often. Waiting it out, I hoped that maybe she’d be more open to it the second time around.
That night in the hotel room, after I finished waterboarding her in the giant tub, the cheerleader outfit she had worn that said Daddy strewn across the bed, she accepted my proposal and became mine. The concept of submission had taken a saccharine form for her, shaped by the growing intensity of our relationship. There was still some pause in her response – not 24/7, not too much, not high protocol. I calmed her hesitations as we discussed what it would mean for her to be in service to me. It was the first time that either of us were entering into this kind of a relationship and going slow felt safe – still girlfriends, but different. All I really needed was her consent to name the power exchange I already felt, which allowed me to fully step into the role of dominant.
Energized and excited, I wanted to give her something special that marked this new shift in our relationship, a practical reminder of my ownership. After lots of thinking and searching, I settled on a silver nameplate bracelet engraved with Daddy in cursive letters. Every day for a year and a half it proudly adorned her left wrist (foregoing the right, which traditionally denotes submissive, because it was her dominant hand). She wore it every single day until I asked for it back that hot summer night I left her house late, holding it clenched so tightly into my palm on the drive home that it marked my flesh.
I imagine the bracelet clicking and clacking as she went about her day, becoming naturally scratched and weathered. Daddy was barely legible by the time she finally took it off her wrist. It had been through life with her, just as I had intended. It was present every time she kneeled for me, placed her hands on my feet to kiss them, or presented her wrists for me to tie. The same sun caught its reflection through the windshield as she drove us through Iceland and Tuscany, trips she so carefully planned for us in service. I picture her clients asking what was engraved on the plate, and her replying with a smile as she told them. I suppose they knew she didn’t wear it for her father. There were so many times when she was cooking extravagant dinners for me when all she had on was the bracelet, heels, and lingerie. Did you enjoy the constant reminder of your devotion to me?
I want you to know that I’ve been a student of grief my whole life. The somatics of loss are familiar: a shift in breathing, posture changes, appetite dies. The haze of longing washes over me and alters my cells. Four days after she broke my heart, the brake light went out on my car. An unfamiliar kind of grief hit me deep in my bones – my first reminder that her service was no longer accessible to me. I rode my bike down the road to the auto supply store and bought a replacement bulb. I watched a tutorial online for how to change the light and wondered if she would have chosen the same video. As I was outside in the street fixing the light and trying not to cry, I thought about all the things she did for me to make my life easier because they made me happy. As with any breakup, there will be constant reminders of her absence in my life. However, the added intensity of power exchange creates more opportunities for repeated heartbreak in the ways that her service was woven into our daily lives. Just looking at the unwashed dishes in my sink, driving my own car to places we would have gone together, walking my dogs on a Saturday morning – all actions that she once completed in service – I must now reclaim. In these tasks my body forms the motions of sorrow.
I always turn to words to comfort me and I am unsurprised to find that there is virtually nothing written on ending D/s relationships. There is no book I can read to feel my pain reflected on a page, to answer how long this feeling will last, to intellectualize my emotions. I turn to my favorite essay where Judith Butler’s words on grief slice me up every time. She says that grief is not a temporary state of being; we carry it with us in perpetuity. It takes on a new form as I read it now and the metaphors of bondage, ties, and control jump off the page. I read into each line in the absence of anything more relevant, “We’re undone by each other. And if we’re not, we’re missing something.”
The nuances of exiting a relationship where you owned or were owned by someone, is shockingly not a universal human experience. Judith Butler does not write about this. With no point of reference, how can I even begin to convey the complexity of emotions I feel while taking a razor to my own legs for the first time in a year? It is not the meticulous ritual we formed where she shaved me with a straight razor in my bathtub, naked beneath me, shifting around and splashing on her knees. It seems so insipid, but this activity served an intimate purpose of trust and dedication, an act of love for perverts like us.
In relationships with consensual power dynamics, lots of care and intention is placed in curating the connection between the dominant and submissive. Deciding what rules, rituals, and protocols each will commit to takes constant work and attention to build and grow. Unlike regular relationships, performing the default of what everyone else does isn’t really an option because unless you’re deeply involved in a community, there are very few examples to follow. There was so much creativity in our design, vigilantly searching for ideas from unlikely places – Catholic mass, horror movies, erotica. What I mean to say is that we built this house with our bare hands and sweat and tears, and that its undoing is unlike any pain I’ve experienced before.
The vulnerability in erotic dominance is wildly unacknowledged. Culturally, the leather and whips signify extreme sexual power commanding an uncompromising hardness. It’s almost a secret how annoyingly tender it all is at the core. Intimacy is born at the intersection of uninhibited desire and reciprocity. Being a woman and a lesbian, I am supposed to feel ashamed of my desires and take a passive role in sex and romance. As a lesbian dominant, my entire lifestyle is the opposite of what society wants me to be. I have a deep hunger for the submission of my partners, and I take the responsibility of their care very seriously.
Part of our relationship design was a promise to always try to be better, an almost spiritual ode to self improvement and self discovery. It was my job as dominant to remind her of her own potential for growth and greatness, not accepting self doubt or defaulting to the easy way out. My whip cracked in many different directions. I asked her to show up with the best version of herself, and as a result, I supported her through finally facing some very old demons. Just by demanding a certain level of intimacy and transparency, I realize that I caused her so much pain — all consensual, and from a place of love. However, when pain is caused from a place of unresolved pain, we knock down houses, we break windows, we transform into the bull in the china shop. When we feel it’s just too hard to sift through it all, we let our trauma hoard our happiness. But trauma doesn’t speak the language of pleasure; it’s all futile.
Tonight I was reminded that exactly one year ago I posted a photo on Instagram of the last time I suspended her. The shot was of her already-bruised ass, tied and hanging upside down. Her hands were secured behind her back with the Daddy bracelet faithfully on her wrist, just where it belonged. My heart sank and my breath slowed as I was taken back to that time when she was my strong, brave masochist. There isn’t a word for the specific kind of pride a dominant feels when their submissive endures an impressive amount of pain at their hands. My shoulders sank when I remembered that it was the next time we started a rope scene that her panic attacks came back for good.
There comes a point in mourning a relationship when you eventually adjust and figure out how to orient yourself towards its memory. I have not yet become accustomed to the frequent and dense pauses filled with the absence of not only a lover, but a submissive. I feel I have failed to accurately articulate exactly how it makes me feel so I take copious notes, data points, on the somatic impacts of this new grief. I started eating again. I am here, but I am not. If I’m being completely honest, in moments like tonight, in this photo, where I’m reminded of her strength and deep capacity for physical pain, it’s hardest not to feel like a failure as a dominant. My love seeped into her most wounded places and pushed out from the inside. My deepest desire of all was for her to believe that she deserves good things, and I realize that sometimes taking a beating is a million times easier than looking in the mirror.
For more information on consensual power exchange, BDSM, and service-oriented relationships: