Todd Haynes’ Cinema of Sight
This essay about May December is part of a series of deep-dive works of criticism about films nominated for the 2024 Oscars released the week before the ceremony.
What happens in the act of looking at another person? What happens when we are being looked at? Throughout his body of work, filmmaker Todd Haynes has always been preoccupied with the effects and complications of a gaze.
His characters run the gamut from prisoners, housewives, and pop stars, but they are each of them outsiders. For one reason or another, they are out of sync with their environment as well as the role ascribed to them. Eventually their gaze falls upon something — or someone — beyond the bounds of the world they know. They fixate on it for reasons beyond their understanding and the only way to understand it better seems to be getting a closer look. At the same time, our protagonist learns their gaze has a consequence: They are now being watched by those around them, perceived as the other they are and therein lies the danger. There is, of course, one more link in this chain of vision: us, the audience. We are observing an observation of an observer.
Haynes has taken this approach to filmmaking since the beginning. His 1993 short Dottie Gets Spanked is about a young boy named Stevie Gale who has but one interest: The Dottie Show starring his heroine Dottie Frank (a clear satire of Lucile Ball). One night at the regular Dottie hour, Stevie’s attention is pulled from the screen as he overhears a friend of his mother talking about spanking her unruly child of the same age, something Stevie has never experienced. As curiosity and desire work on a very innocent level for children, this melange of visuals and ideas — corporal punishment, Dottie, expected gender roles — are expressed primally, becoming the sole content of his dreams and drawings.
This is Haynes’ primary mode. To explore the different ways people look and how we metabolize images, seeking meaning and ascribing values and symbols on them. Desire. Prejudice. Self-discovery. At the same time Haynes’ filmmaking eschews escapism, addressing domestic realities and frankly showing us what we are told not to show, refusing to let us look away.
***
Set in Savannah, Georgia in 2015, Haynes’ latest picture, May December, follows actress Elizabeth Berry (Natalie Portman) as she shadows couple Gracie and Joe Atherton-Yoo (Julianne Moore and Charles Melton) to prepare for a film she is producing based on them. Twenty-three years ago they were at the center of a nationwide scandal when Gracie, then 36 years old, entered into a relationship with Joe and became pregnant by him while he was in seventh grade. They’ve stayed together all those years and settled into a domestic life, raising their children in (very relative) normalcy. But tensions arise from Elizabeth’s presence, as well as the impending high school graduation of their youngest children and their approaching empty nest.
While the dynamic and history of the Atherton-Yoos is a central part of the plot, the film’s primary focal point is the interplay between Gracie and Elizabeth. As the actor’s fixation increases, as she embeds herself into the family’s lives and community, it appears she’s willing to blur any boundary to achieve the indefinable concept of truth. On the cursory glance, their relationship seems mutually beneficial: Gracie wants to be depicted as she is (in her own eyes) and Elizabeth wants to deliver a great performance. But what bubbles under the surface is not an exchange between these two women but a power struggle, a tug of war of observation and opacity.
If we consider Elizabeth our point of identification, then our central question as an audience appears to become the same as hers: Why is Gracie the way that she is? What drove this seemingly normal woman, a wife and a mother, to enter into a romantic and sexual relationship with a middle schooler? How could she live with herself knowing what she’d done? From everything Elizabeth can see, Gracie is absolutely unburdened by her past and sees nothing wrong with the choices that led her to be a national disgrace. She claims she fell in love and followed her heart. When questioned on her upbringing, she speaks of it as being “exceptional” and sees her life and marriage as ideal.
And so Elizabeth, not finding the answers she’s seeking in Gracie’s words, looks elsewhere. She looks over tabloids from the time. She speaks to various people in Gracie’s life. Gracie’s first husband Tom, who married her while he was in college and she was in highschool felt like things had always been great in their relationship. Morris, who had been her neighbor before he was her lawyer, barely remembers having met her before she was arrested.
Once again, the answer doesn’t get any clearer for Elizabeth.
***
In the tradition of Ingmar Bergman’s Persona (1966), May December is a film about duality with one woman trying to subsume the personality and experiences of another. And so Elizabeth tries to relive Gracie’s affair as best she can. She flirts with Joe, who despite being the same age as Elizabeth and having kids going to college, remains in an unconscious arrested development.
Joe is defined by a busy inarticulation, a devotion to his children, and a mind beginning to wander away from Gracie. He is quietly entertaining the idea of new connections as the one he’s known since puberty begins to lose definition. He is the single genuine figure amongst this triangle which makes his role in the manipulation of these two women very tragic and strangely comic.
The synergy between Samy Burch’s screenplay, Haynes’ direction, and Charles Melton’s performance allows this sensitive balance to shine through.
Take for instance, a scene early in the film when Elizabeth sits down to dinner with the Atherton-Yoos for the first time. The table is set for five. Cathy and Joe at each end, two chairs on one side for the twins, Mary and Charlie, and a single chair on the opposite side edged closer to Gracie. Mary’s chair is empty, her having gone to a friend’s house. Charlie, sitting next to his father, quickly asks to be excused.
We switch between four shots (two wide, two close) Gracie and Joe (but mostly Gracie) recounting for Elizabeth the story of how they first met. In wide, we see a high-angle shot from inside the kitchen while the reverse is at eye level, staring into the back of the kids’ empty chairs. Distance and obstruction. For close-ups, Joe occupies the right edge of his frame alone, primarily reacting. When Grace mentions his othered status as coming from the only Korean family in town, he interjects “half.” When she brings up his proximity in age to her son Georgie, he begins to quicken the pace with which he eats. The other close shot breaks the pattern, featuring both women in one frame. Joe is isolated. But they are already beginning to meld. They both look at him. He sits opposite Gracie but his eyeline is with Elizabeth.
The wides have domestic obstructions: the kitchen island, the empty chairs (where the children chose not to be). Elizabeth is creating asymmetry. The closes are emotionally claustrophobic while the wides distance us. The visual style captures the discordance of how nonchalantly they talk about “how they met” while glossing over the nationwide scandal or Gracie being found guilty of child rape or the birth of their first daughter happening in prison.
Joe barely has anything to say about how they met. When he does, he only talks in wides (where he agrees with Gracie) or offscreen. Joe’s close up is used solely for silent reaction — he has never had control over this narrative — with the single hilarious exception being his interjection of, “half.”
When he does speak throughout the film, his turn of phrase is juvenile, referring to his interest in fostering monarch butterflies as “dorky” and attractions outside of his marriage as “crushes.” With language, with posture, with perspective, he doesn’t feel like he’s in his mid-30s. He feels locked, even as he stays moving.
While Elizabeth leads Joe on, she works to endear herself to Gracie, believing she can find more in how she looks and behaves than by what she says. As Elizabeth watches, the doubling is emphasized with reflection playing heavily into the visual language.
An oft-used device throughout the film is a direct-to-camera with the lens representing a mirror the characters are looking into. Throughout the majority of the film, this is reserved for scenes featuring Elizabeth or ones where she is with Gracie. Though they are staring at us, we know they are studying each other. The film’s most complicated shot is an extrapolation of this, taking place in a boutique full of mirrors, Gracie and Elizabeth chatting as Mary tries on dresses for graduation.
Here Haynes’ gives us full view of all three of them through different angled reflections, so although the shot never moves and Mary comes into the center of the frame, we still can see Gracie’s face as she makes a veiled denigration about her daughter’s bravery showing her body. As Elizabeth is a reflection of Gracie, we can see Elizabeth studying her, quietly aghast, before falling back into faux pleasantries.
***
If you aren’t paying attention or perhaps get caught up in the same scandalous story, you may not realize until the end that Elizabeth Berry is a failure.
Dispersions of her talents are not outright stated (at least at first) but it is telegraphed through dialogue and the film’s visual language. Though a recognisable public figure, everyone categorically describes her as “being from TV,” her most well-known project a veterinary drama on network television called Norah’s Ark, which she is clearly (and rightfully) embarrassed by. While it has brought her fame and financial success, she is desperate for a chance to prove her value as an artist. In her eyes, a true crime film based off of the Atherton-Yoo story is her best means to court acclaim. She doesn’t care about making the movie — she’s making the movie so people will care about her.
Elizabeth’s audacity is not born of conviction but of desperation and it shows in all her interactions. During a call with her fiancé, she brushes him off with a lie about the network calling when the conversation shifts from Gracie’s lack of regrets to some of her own. In another call, this time with her film’s director, she flirts with him, a married man, to get what she wants. She’s manipulative but she isn’t as sly as she thinks she is. She’s only really able to fool Joe, who tends to trust others are moving with his same earnestness.
In a later scene, Elizabeth asks Gracie to show her makeup routine, but instead Gracie demonstrates on Elizabeth. Here the tables turn as Gracie begins interviewing Elizabeth. Elizabeth is desperate to impress people, admitting her parents were disappointed when she shared her dreams of acting. They said she was smarter than that.
“Are you smarter than that?” Gracie pointedly asks, to which Elizabeth can only muster an “I don’t know.” She looks at herself in Gracie’s trademark pink lipstick and thinks she is approaching “something true.” But it’s a cursory and superficial truth.
For a Julliard-educated performer, Elizabeth doesn’t seem to have any real technique to speak of. We don’t see her bring anything of herself to the work. She acts to move away from herself, not to bring herself to a new place. She can imitate a lisp but she can’t evoke a feeling. She fails to make any choices beyond imitation.
Through Elizabeth’s process, the film reveals one of its core themes: The gory details aren’t what matters. Imitation isn’t truth. Playing a real person is not the same as capturing human authenticity.
***
In many ways, Elizabeth’s approach to acting is an inverse to Haynes’ approach to filmmaking.
While Elizabeth attempts to reflect the light of an objective truth, Haynes understands that, at best, his work can refract it. His films abstract true stories and human experiences through a myriad of artistic influences. And so with its real-life inspiration, Bergman influence, repurposed score, and portrayal of artistic process, May December becomes a thesis statement of sorts for Haynes’ entire filmography.
Like the characters in his films, we may fail to find an objective truth in what we see. But we can look, we can listen, we can observe. And, for Haynes, to look is consistently framed as a homoerotic act.
Whether it’s overt, like in Carol, where Therese’s camera leads her to consummation, or simply felt like the energy between Elizabeth and Gracie, Haynes understands the queerness of gaze without answers.
Sometimes, we can only see each other with real clarity from a distance. That doesn’t mean that we should eschew closeness. We need to move in and out and know when to do it. We need to look from here and also from there. This is what film knows. This is what film proves.
***
On the night before the twin’s graduation, Elizabeth receives what seem like three vital pieces of information for crafting her performance. The first is a remark from Gracie’s troubled son Georgie claiming that his mom’s issues all stem from childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her brothers that he supposedly discovered in her diary. For Elizabeth, this explains everything and she takes it as fact.
The second and third piece come when Joe gives Elizabeth the only letter of Gracie’s he could save from the time of their affair. As she reaches to open it, he tells her to read it later. Elizabeth initiates sex with him and he shares a few short moments of passion with her before he cums. When he gets up to clean off, Elizabeth immediately opens the letter to see what it contains.
This encapsulates the chasm of difference in the two’s intentions and how they see each other. To Joe, this letter is something sacred that explains how he and Gracie felt they were the only ones who saw each other before all the world’s eyes were on them. His encounter with Elizabeth was something new and exciting that made him feel seen in that same way. But as he learns in their post-coital chat, his life is just a story to her. Here in his only adult sexual encounter outside of Gracie, Joe feels betrayed and used by someone he trusted. Sleeping with him, to get what she wanted and to understand what Gracie felt, is, to Elizabeth, “just what grown ups do.” Joe storms out and before he’s even driven away, she starts unraveling the letter, ready to absorb its contents.
When we see Joe next, he’s naked coming out of the shower. Here he looks at the camera as mirror for the first and only time. And for likely the first time in his adult life, he can see himself with a degree of clarity.
That night, Joe wakes Gracie to talk about things he has begun to remember and questions he has about the nature of their relationship, as if in seeing her skewed double he finally understands what was taken from him. He starts to half-question her if he wasn’t ready, but can’t fully commit because that would mean the children, his reason for existence these 20 odd years, wouldn’t exist. Gracie deflects and avoids accountability. She’s content with her life and won’t have it upset by anything as inconsequential as her faults.
We switch to Elizabeth. Another direct to camera, but here she’s in character as Gracie of 23 years ago, seemingly having put it all together. She delivers a heartbreaking monologue which is clearly the content of the letter. It is emotional and embodies a childlike fragility. For a moment, we can understand Gracie’s naïveté even. Elizabeth is sure she has got it. And so we begin to ask not only what one sees when looking at another, but what we see in ourself and the answer for some seems clearer than others.
The day of graduation comes and, despite all that’s happened, Joe gets a happy ending: He gets to see his monarch butterflies grow and fly away and then he gets to watch his children do the same. That same morning, Gracie goes hunting and spots a feral wild fox that she almost shoots before sharing a long gaze with it and recognizing how pitiful it is. It can’t pose her any real danger. This is echoed in May December’s penultimate scene, when Elizabeth and Gracie share a conversation just after the twin’s graduation though now both women are in sunglasses, reflecting the other in their gaze. Elizabeth is confident she has Gracie and the movie figured out before the housewife points out that what Georgie said about her childhood was a disgusting lie.
“Insecure people are very dangerous, aren’t they? I’m secure. Make sure you put that in there.” Elizabeth is agog while she watches Gracie walk away, realizing after all her watching, she still has no idea who she’s been looking at. Next, we’ll see the reality of her artistic journey. Her quest for truth led only to what appears to be another poorly acted movie. Bringing nothing of herself to her work, the performance shatters with nothing to prop it up but words and details.
When I think of the last two mirror shots in this film — Joe’s and Elizabeth’s, it brings to mind that Haynes’ used this very same visual device previously in his film Safe, and in that film, the one gazing upon themself and at us was Moore. Her character Carol White is an unfulfilled housewife who has spent the entire film experiencing increasingly alarming medical problems with no cause that doctors can see. While she assumes it’s a form of environmental illness, it’s notable that in each instance of sickness, there are also emotional factors of her feeling unseen by those around her. In an attempt to gain control of her life and combat her health problems, Carol removes herself from society and joins the Wrenwood estate, a compound occupied by a cult-like group of people similarly worried about their supposed chemical sensitivities. But Carol, unwilling to take up space, becomes gradually more isolated and sick, despite all her precautions to avoid toxic environments. She returns to a secluded dome she’s moved into after a birthday party they threw her. In the film’s final shot, looking more unwell than ever, she stares at the mirror (Hayne’s camera), and repeats “I love you. I really love you”.
One of the most interesting dichotomies in May December goes beyond just the act of looking or not looking but the experience of being seen. Feeling unseen by others is what drew Joe and Gracie to each other and very soon after they were watched by the whole world. In the present day, everyone in the small town they’ve brought such scandal to averts their eyes from them whenever they can, while Elizabeth is now watched by everyone for her celebrity status. Elizabeth lives to be watched not as herself but another and will stop at nothing to do it. She looks outward for “something true” not recognizing that art isn’t about finding objective reality but meaning from the space between what you see and what’s in you.
As philosopher Norman O. Brown once said, “meaning is not in things but in between them.”
May December is now streaming on Netflix.
“Knife + Heart” and the Thin Line Between Desire and Destruction
Horror Is So Gay // Header by Viv Le
“Beauty is something that burns your hand when you touch it”
— Yukio Mishima
Paris, 1979. Anne Pareze — a producer and director of gay porn films — is mentally coming undone after a recent split with her editor and girlfriend Loïs. At the same time, a mysterious slasher masked in leather is slaughtering gay men one by one, all of whom happen to be members of Anne’s recurring ensemble of performers. Bizarrely inspired by these tragedies, she decides to base her next great smut film on the killings, even as they continue.
While most often drawing comparisons to William Friedkin’s Cruising (1980), a killer thriller similarly set in a world of hardcore gay leather sex, Knife+Heart (2018) –– or in its original French, Un couteau dans le cœur, literally ‘A Knife in the Heart’ –– is far less procedural, being at its core a romantic drama. The initial spark for the film, the love between Anne and Loïs is based on that between real porn producer Anne-Marie Tensi and her editor Loïs Koenigswerther: “the idea of love going through the images. Like, a woman making a film and, believing with her [whole] heart that she could seduce again this other woman with just cinema, with her images.”
While the murders and raunchy smut are the flashier elements of the film that make it easy to pitch to an audience, the core of the story is a sincere meditation on desire. While stopping the killer and uncovering the mystery behind his motives moves the narrative forward, they are peripheral to the actual substance of the film which, in line with filmmaker Yann Gonzalez’s trademark style, weaves romantic queer poems out of queer eroticism and obscenity.
Knife+Heart feels like the rare work of horror not meant to scare you with gut-churning gore but instead is driven to haunt you. There is no chase. Almost every kill is sudden and without warning. To reference its title, its violence is meant to feel like a piercing blade run through your chest with each beautiful life destroyed.
Part of this exists in the staggering amount of texture Gonzalez and his actors give to the world of porn. The simplest point of comparison would be Paul Thomas Anderson’s Boogie Nights (1997), another film centered on a troupe of pornographers set against the medium’s Golden Age. I worked production on porn sets on and off for most of the first half of my twenties, and while it was firmly in the digital era, I’ve seen no better depiction of that world I’ve known than in Knife+Heart. While acknowledging much of the absurdity and hostilities that can exist in any work environment, the film depicts Anne’s ensemble as a breathing community rather than an assortment of well-worn horror archetypes. We see them work and gossip and make themselves vulnerable for the sake of their desires. And when they die, we see them grieved by lovers, colleagues, and friends.
As someone who has edited art films as well as pornography, editing porn was always a lot simpler. At least where I worked, I was not really being asked to craft anything. The raw materials you’ve been given are a few repetitive actions done at length with slight variations being made throughout. You cut out what complicates the audience’s desire. Excise that which might distance them from the hypnotic rhythm of their fantasy.
Pornography’s purpose is most often to depict an uncomplicated consummation of desire. Buttholes are miraculously pre-lubed. Transgression of social taboo has no consequence. There is no war, no disease, no strife in a utopia where pleasure is god. No mortal problem that can’t be solved by filling a wet hole.
This is in conversation with the rest of Gonzalez’s oeuvre, which has a similar fixation on making dreamy romantic reveries through fetish, debauchery, and other modes of desire often seen as obscene and grotesque. It makes the implied utopia of pornography textual and poetic. Gonzalez’s first feature You and the Night (2013) — French: Les Rencontres d’après minuit, literally ’Encounters After Midnight’ — is the story of a mysterious throuple throwing a pansexual orgy, drawing together several strangers into a romantic night where they share not only of each other’s bodies but their histories. In Islands (2017), his short that directly preceded, we are led through a series of surreal sexual vignettes in one night. But if Gonzalez’s canvas is the wet dreamscape, Knife+Heart is his first film to depict desire as capable of being a nightmare as well.
Eros is hunger. It is capable of becoming a destructive force.
When we first meet Anne, it is moments after the film’s opening kill, running terrified down a dark empty street. She arrives at a phone booth and calls Loïs, frantically scared and unsure of where she is, begging for the familiarity of her once-lover’s comfort. While she offers her some care, Loïs is boundaried in her refusal to rekindle their romance or suffer Anne’s drunken episodes and petulant rages. From the onset, Anne is a protagonist for whom we are not meant to feel sympathy, but a frustrating empathy. With her petulant rages and her constant drinking, the problems of her life are largely of her own making. She is us at our messiest.
Anne acts out desperately, sometimes perpetrating violence of her own. She is fragile and child-like, but also dangerous and angry. It’s an emotional story grounded in the perspective of a character who is erratic and cruel.
The killer’s true role in the film is to be a reflection of Anne’s caustic all-consuming desire with each kill, with her even playing the one behind the mask in her true crime porno. For most of the film, our protagonist and our predator are each driven by an intoxicating amour fou, desire and destruction closely entwined.The film feels like a ghost story, with Guy Favre being a phantom in all but the literal sense.
What feels like one of the film’s most emotionally devastating moment comes not from the killings, but from Anne when she sexually assaults Loïs as the killer watches on. Only moments after Loïs had nearly rekindled their romance, Anne’s destroyed it irrevocably in a drunken stupor. What was once love has been corrupted by a terrifying possessiveness.
Again, the disquieting empathy comes into play. Throughout the film, we have been encouraged to see that there is more to Anne than madness and rage. She has an earnest familial love for her crew and an appreciation for beauty and the erotic. Despite her exploitation of the circumstances for creative inspiration, she is desperate to solve the killings as the police predictably offer her vulnerable community no help. We’re never meant to side with her, but we are driven to try and understand her warped perspective.
Knife+Heart is a film full of gaze but not in the oft-misused Mulveyian sense that would draw criticism. It’s full of people looking at each other. The eyes are the primary means by which we direct desire.
In a prior piece of writing I did on Knife+Heart, I stated
“Both Knife+Heart’s male characters and its camera leer at men’s bodies with desire that borders on obsessive. Anne could be read as an outsider in this regard — she’s not a man and has no sexual interest in men — but she appreciates the meeting of their bodies (and the squirting and writhings that result from it) as pure art. But her failed relationship with Loïs and her limerent desire for her is meant to form an alternative queer parallel to the killer’s relationship with his prey. Both long to feel beautiful and in trying to contain and control someone else’s beauty, they lash out and harm them in the process.”
Earlier this year, Equation to an Unknown and Knife+Heart were shown together as a double feature at Los Angeles’ historic repertory theater, The New Beverly Cinema (owned by filmmaker Quentin Tarantino since 2007). True to Gonzalez’s statement, the film is awash with a languorous beauty. A cadre of rugby players wander through Paris, guided from one cock-filled milieu to the next by a dreary lust. Lighting is dim and natural. Money-shots border on claustrophobic in their framing. It’s unclear whether what we are seeing are the characters’ fantasies or realities as denim-clad twinks ride through the night together on a motorbike before fellating each other on the same hot rod.
I was enchanted and amazed by the film. I thoroughly enjoyed my time working as a pornographer and think back on it fondly, but I’d never gotten to make anything as complex in its expression of erotic beauty. It felt like the kind of porn I’d always wished I’d gotten to edit. The kind of art I’ve always hoped to see more of.
Less pleasant was the reaction of the audience I watched it with, often breaking out into uncomfortable laughter and other loud, disquieted reactions. One woman sitting behind me audibly said “oh dear” in shock in a tranquil scene where one of the men calmly pisses on another and walks away. What did you expect when you paid to come see a double featuresmut and a film about making smut (in a former porno theater no less)? It belies a larger issue I have with repertory film audiences, who often seem unable to meaningfully engage with art which makes them uncomfortable, instead treating it as some “so bad it’s good” curio.
As much as I wanted to see Knife+Heart on 35mm, I left before the second half of the double feature. I couldn’t bear to share a film that means so much to me as a queer pervert and a pornographer with an audience so clearly uneasy with erotic material. The smut of that film and the baldfaced desire it expresses are not mere flourishes, but inextricable from the film’s storytelling. If they couldn’t appreciate porn as art, I couldn’t trust they’d see a slasher set in the world of its production as anything but a cheap thrill.
The film’s final scene takes place in a serene otherworldly white room, full of men fucking. Heaven on earth is a liminal space. It’s an orgy. Somewhere where eros can be expressed freely and uncomplicated by possessiveness or expectations. It’s a moment where nobody needs you but everybody here wants you, channeling the clattering din of human desire into a swooning symphony. It’s one of those scenes that never ceases to bring a tear to my eye.
Horror Is So Gay is a series on queer and trans horror edited by Autostraddle Managing Editor Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya running throughout October.
How to Cruise for the Casual Lesbian Sex You Deserve
Sometimes lesbians want to find a wife with whom to run a small sheep farm in Wales; sometimes what we want is a hard wet fuck from a beautiful woman we barely know in the bathroom of a gay bar. We contain multitudes. But how do you make the latter happen?
I bring to you cruising tips and casual sex advice built off the years of skanky queer life experience that have solidified me as one of the leading minds in the highly un-scientific field of “Lez Slut-ology.”
The Basics
What’s cruising?
Cruising is going out into the world with the specific intention of finding someone with whom to have casual sex. If you message or approach someone just wanting to hook up, you are cruising. It’s a time-honored gay tradition and a rich part of our cultural history that forgoes respectability politics and homonormative assimilation in favor of radical expressions of queer sexuality. Cruising is knowing what you want and actively pursuing it. The term is thought to have come from queer folks walking or driving around town searching for a casual encounter.
Though cruising has gained prominence as practiced by men who have sex with men, it isn’t theirs alone; dyke communities have also engaged in cruising and casual sex for years.
Where do you cruise?
Gay men have many cruising hotspots such as bathhouses, glory holes and gyms; lesbians have a smaller array of steamy locales, and far less blatantly sexual ones. As cruising is about following your attractions and thirst, I would recommend any events or settings where you know lady-loving lady hotties abound as a great place to cruise. This includes:
+ Dyke nights at your local gay bar
+ Pride
+ Dance parties
+ Brunch
+ A-Camp
+ A Hayley Kiyoko/Tegan & Sara/Mirah/Melissa Etheridge concert
+ BDSM play parties
+ A gay picnic
+ All of Oakland and San Francisco, really (especially the last train car on BART)
+ A book fair
Of course many queers also cruise online via social media: Instagram, or on dating sites like OKCupid, Tinder, or HER. If you’ve ever seen the Tinder profile of a girl just looking for a hookup or a WLW casual encounters on Craigslist (RIP personals section), that’s a modern form of cruising. Some areas have Facebook groups for local cruising in which you can make a cruising post stating your desires (search for [City] Queer Cruising!) or there are instagrams like @_personals_ to which you can submit your very own personals ad. I’m a firm believer that Instagram is perfect for cruising via posting thirst traps and dipping into the DMs of whichever person I’m into that leaves a thirsty comment. Here’s an entire article about it!
So my golden rule is: “If there’s a hot gay around and you aren’t at like, a trauma center or a funeral, you can cruise there.” An elegant golden rule, I know.
How do you cruise?
Feel good about it!
We live in a society that indoctrinates us into believing that having desires is predatory and shameful, and that women who desire women are even more so. I think another big part of it is that many of us have experienced predatory behavior and are very scared to replicate it. It’s not predatory to want someone and let them know it. It’s not predatory to desire another woman in a purely sexual manner. It’s only predatory if you are being disrespectful of someone’s boundaries, body, and personhood. So don’t do that.
As for fears about being desirable or confident enough, remember that queer desire is complex and multifaceted and lots of types of people are attracted to lots of types of people and bodies; why not you! I suggest wearing something you feel really confident and hot in, that outfit that just makes you feel like the baddest bitch. And when all else fails, fake the confidence because we honestly all do that.
Flirting
Flirting is the first step of cruising and something I know many queers struggle with. I know many queer folx, especially women, feel frozen by this deep fear of rejection and getting over that is the first step to being a more confident cruiser. Being rejected doesn’t say anything bad about you or them and it doesn’t invalidate your gayness. I fear rejection too, but learning to accept it as a likely possibility has helped me become my best flirt and built my confidence in other aspects of my life. What is important is to not be objectifying in how you interact with them. If they aren’t into it, respect the no, move on, and don’t make it weird. If you’re approached by someone you aren’t into, try to handle it the way you would want to be rejected, say thank you and politely decline.
My favorite ways to flirt with or be flirted with by women are to be complimented — find something you think is beautiful, stylish, or attractive about this person and let them know — and then having them get down to it — ask for what you’re interested in, whether it’s a number, a date, or getting fucked in the bathroom.
Having Casual Sex
How do you actually initiate casual sex? In practice: you’re out and about and have spotted a hottie, and have been flirting by complimenting them and chatting. Maybe this doesn’t go well; either they aren’t into it or upon closer interaction you aren’t as into them as you thought you were. That’s fine; chalk it up to the mysteries of life and move on. If they do seem equally interested in you, you can take the initiative! If it’s a setting like a bar, party or social gathering where you could feasibly say “Do you want to go to my place/the bathroom/my car/anywhere else we can have sex?” you can ask that! If you’re in the middle of a protest or drag queen story hour for kids at 10 am at the public library, maybe you want to ask for their number so you can make a similar suggestion at a more appropriate time — like getting someone’s info to ask them on a date, but focusing more on asking them “I think you’re really hot, do you want to come over Saturday night?” If you are trying to get fisted in your car in the parking lot of the bar — congrats! — maybe wear something you can slip in and out of easily.
Once you get to actually having sex, you of course are aware it’s good to communicate basic stuff about boundaries and consent, even if it is casual. There’s no set list of things to discuss before sleeping with a stranger, but if it’s something like a medical condition, a boundary, or testing status, then definitely bring it up.
Examples:
“Hey just so you know, I have a latex allergy, so finger me with nitrile gloves.”
“Please make sure you don’t touch my neck. It’s a trigger for me.”
“How recently have you been tested?”
“My partner and I have a rule about getting no marks from hookups.”
“I don’t like gentle sex.”
“I have been tested recently and my results came back positive for gonorrhea.”
Femme4Femme Cruising Struggles
Ah yes, the story of my life. When I was asking for input and questions for this piece, I got so many questions about femme4femme cruising! Cruising as a femme lesbian who wants to have sex with other femme lesbians is an arduous path walked by thankless heroes. Femmes are so frequently made to feel invisible in our community and it makes our desires feel invisible too. On top of that Femme4Femmes have no built in gender dynamics which makes flirting a free-for-all.
My main word of advice on this is just go for it; your femme crush isn’t going to know you’re a femme fucker unless you let them know! If you spend too much time wondering if that pretty girl is a top or if she’s only into butches or if she even likes girls, you’ll miss the opportunity to actually find out. And just think about how you’d feel if another femme didn’t try and get at you out of that same indecision. I’ve definitely walked away from a femme I was interested in without approaching because they were with a butch or masc, only to learn years later via them hooking up with me that they were in fact primarily into femmes. So if someone is hot but you’re unsure, go for it. As for execution, be direct and make your intentions and attraction to them clear! Passivity is a hindrance to sluttiness.
Getting in the Habit
Cruising is very much about getting all up on each other in the now, but what about when you want a consistent hookup down the line? Maybe you know you don’t want a relationship right now, but would like to be having sex regularly and coordinating frequent one-night stands is a headache. Or you hooked up with someone, feel thoroughly satisfied after you’ve gotten all wet and sweaty together in that dark bathroom/the backseat of her Subaru/your bedroom, and both want to fuck each other again sometime. In both these situations you can maintain a casual sexual relationship and pencil in a sex appointment down the line. If this is the case, remember to have follow-through on making plans. As my grandma always used to say, “no self-respecting dyke wants to fuck a flake, Chingy.”
It’s not hard to be respectful and kind to someone you’re having casual sex with while remaining totally casual. You can communicate transparently about your situation, needs and expectations (I’m only looking for casual dynamics with people right now/it’s hard for me to fall asleep in bed with other people/my work schedule makes it hard to commit to plans too far out/I started seeing someone monogamously and can’t hook up anymore) so they don’t feel misled or confused. You can be respectful of their time by keeping plans with them and texting them back promptly. You can be aware of and compassionate about the fact that they have things going on in their life besides fucking you, and acknowledge that stuff without becoming a primary support person in their life. Sometimes, of course, that’s a tough boundary to keep, or we might find ourselves wondering if we want to keep it at all. If that’s the case, you may be…
Catching Feelings
By far the most issue I heard about when researching this piece was catching feelings, which while not necessarily a bad thing in the grand scheme, can be scary, overwhelming, and run counterintuitive to the whole “friends who just bang and aren’t romantic” situation.
The best way to prevent yourself from getting romantically in over your head with the person you sleep with is to be real with yourself, be real with them, and to set clear boundaries (all of which I touched on in my article about navigating polyamory as a non-primary partner). If too much intimacy makes the lines blur for you, maybe don’t do sleepovers or deep processing with your fuckbuddy. If you have a tendency to catch feelings, examine that and recognize whether it’s something you feel able to change or not, and if not, let your casual know. Casual sex isn’t for everyone and there’s no shame in just enjoying solitude or monogamy.
Too late!
So it’s too late. Somebody already caught feelings. But that doesn’t mean it’s doomed. There are three ways this situation can go depending on who is the Catcher of Feelings, and I’ve been on every end of it.
You caught feelings
It started chill but now you are maybe falling for her a little. Be honest with yourself about how it’ll feel for you to be only casual with someone you want romantically, and set boundaries for yourself based on that, even if it means you stop seeing her. And don’t expect her feelings to change because yours did; that way lies madness, etc.
They caught feelings
If you can tell or she tells you she wants to be more and you know you don’t feel the same, let her know. Be direct about what you prefer and give good boundaries if they aren’t, which means ending it if you think it’ll make things worse. It’s perfectly fine to be emotionally unavailable as long as you are real about it. I know it’s been fun, but make sure you don’t lead people on
Both of you caught feelings
This one actually isn’t a problem because if you both have feelings you can just be together! Sometimes these relationships naturally progress into something new and it catches you both by surprise. True story: I met my partner of 2+ years because of a very pointed femme4femme cruising post I made looking for a specific kind of scene. We played and then dated casually and eventually realized we loved each other. In fact, while I have not entered into romantic relationships with everyone I’ve cruised, most of my best romantic relationships began as just fucking around.With the information I’ve given you, I hope you will go out and cruise responsibly with respect in your mind, lust in your heart, and a purse full of gloves (spring for the nitrile; you’re worth it). Stay thirsty, my gays.
How to Rock Your First BDSM Play Party
“Play parties” are BDSM gatherings that enable participants to get pervy, play publicly, or just connect with likeminded kinky people. It can be very overwhelming to enter a space designed to encourage desires you rarely express in large group contexts, so I’m here with basic play party etiquette that’ll help you feel as comfortable as possible at your first fetish event.
First, it’s important to accept that if you’re a newbie, you’ll probably look like a newbie — but that’s not a bad thing! Everybody was new once, and we all remember how intimidating that was. As long as you’re respectful and mindful of others, nobody will judge you based on your newness alone.
The basics of a play party (and being invited to one!)
Public play parties
Public play parties are, as the name suggests, events open to the public; they usually occur in a dungeon or fetish space where invitees pay admission. You can find advertisements for these on Fetlife (the social network for the kinky community), queer cruising groups, or sometimes Instagrams or Twitters of publicly/professionally kinky people and party promoters. The upside and the downside of public fetish events is one in the same: anyone can attend. This means you can get your first introduction to your local kink community here, but also that not everyone can be vetted as safe. You may well see kink and/or sex acts being practiced; professionals hired for the event may put on a performance of a particular technique, or private individuals may play with each other. There’s also similar social opportunities as a non-kinky party, like getting to know new friends or potential dating partners or mingling with a drink.
Private play parties
Private parties are mainly set in private residences — essentially, a kinky house party — and are invite-only. Everyone at the party generally knows someone else, which helps create a safer, closer, more intimate play environment. You may see more involved or intense kinds of play, given the intimacy and controlled nature of the space, than you would in a larger, more public play party. If you don’t know any kinky people (or don’t know that you know kinky people) and don’t have anyone to vouch for you, getting involved at a public party and making connections in the larger kink scene in your location is how you’ll meet the people who hold private parties. The other, less intimidating option is attending a “munch,” a casual social event in which kinky people meet up at a restaurant, have a meal, and talk shop — you won’t see or engage in sex or kink play here, as you’ll probably be in a coffeeshop or an Applebee’s, but you can ask questions or learn more about it. Like public play parties, you’re most likely to find out about munches on Fetlife or Facebook cruising groups — look for groups dedicated to your area and follow them, or even local subgroups if there’s a particular aspect of kink you know you want to explore.
In both scenarios, you can expect a mix of people just there to socialize (albeit in a specific and sexualized setting), people playing publicly (which can range from something like spanking over the clothes between friends to an intense scene involving fetish play, nudity and/or sex), and people playing privately in other spaces in the building. There will be some people in established partnerships or kink dynamics who are looking to socialize as a couple or play together; there will be some people cruising either for people to play with at the party or potential dates/play partners outside it. It’s a good idea to decide for yourself ahead of time what kinds of engagement you’re interested in (or if you’d rather just watch and chat, which you can absolutely do!).
Be a prepared pervert
Getting ready properly can do a lot towards you having your best possible first play party experience.
Dress for success
You’re gonna wanna wear something sexy and comfortable that fits the party’s described atmosphere. I’d recommend a bold, conversation-starting piece that represents who you are.
I, in my infinite lack of chill, will usually wear a tank top that broadcasts some interest of what I’m into and flags my interests. Jeans and a baseball cap — a fetish fashion faux pas I made more than once in my youth — are probably too casual, but don’t feel like you need leather and latex to fit in. (Although they’re always cute!) If you wear lingerie, that’s a good easy option, as is anything lacy or sheer. But respect the host’s discretion and cover yourself with a jacket or dress on your way over. When all else fails: just wear black. (Carolyn wrote a full guide to this with different options for trying out a kink party “look” without compromising your personal style or presentation.)
Play preparation
If you intend to engage in play at the party, there are a few things to keep in mind. Make sure you’ve eaten and are hydrated; BDSM expends a whole lot of energy and adrenaline, so proper nourishment will help prevent an intense crash.
Second, while bondage equipment to play on may be provided, most play parties are BYOT (Bring Your Own Toys), and it’s never a bad idea to bring your own favorites, whether you’re a top or a bottom. Some parties, particularly those set in dungeons rather than residences, will have communal toys, but just ’cause there’s a cool whip laying out on a table doesn’t mean it’s for you to use.
If you’re feeling anxious about the social aspect, bring someone with you! Play parties can make for really sexy dates, just be sure to check in ahead of time about what you’re interested in doing, seeing or participating in together. If you’re going to cruise, you can still bring a BDSM buddy; it can alleviate a lot of social anxiety as long you’re both comfortable seeing the other flogging or getting flogged by some hottie.
If you don’t have anyone to come with but are still feeling too awkward or not freaky enough to hang, I have one immutable truth to share with you: kinky people are all nerds, and most nerds are awkward. People in kink scenes who go to play parties choose to be in those spaces because they’re very passionate about their interests or fetishes, which is nerdy by definition. I can guarantee you that any given play party is full of people, both new and experienced, who feel just as socially awkward or anxious as you do.
Set your expectations
Kink encompasses so many different things that any two fetishists can be equally kinky in the abstract while having completely different proclivities — so be aware that while you’ll probably see some scenes you really enjoy, you’re just as likely to witness play that you don’t like or that may even make you uncomfortable or triggered. While it’s fine to be uncomfortable with someone else’s kink, know that it’s your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation in that case, not the players’ responsibility to stop.
On the topic of safety, any good play party that doesn’t have these essentials is not worth attending:
- Safe sex supplies: Barriers, lube, and gloves to use at your discretion
- Cleaning supplies: Cavicide, alcohol, towels, and puppy pads. Play can get dirty and that’s hot, but not everyone wants to roll around in your sweat, squirt and blood, so always clean up after yourself.
- Dungeon Monitor: A dungeon monitor, or DM, is the person who makes sure everyone is playing safely, respecting the space and each other’s boundaries. If you see someone not doing this or are unsure if someone is, talk to your DM.
A lot of parties will have alcohol and snacks, which both support the general social gathering atmosphere and fit into the play party environment. Snacks are great for keeping blood sugar up before or after a scene. Alcohol is obviously a social lubricant that can lower inhibitions that could hinder you from interacting with that gorgeous power bottom, but don’t overdo it! Play parties are not a space for excessive drunkenness, as it makes you a non-consensual hazard to other attendees, their scenes, and yourself. If you’re drunker than you look, let your play partner know so they can decide if they’re comfortable playing with you or not on this occasion.
Keep in mind when checking out potential new play partners
Pay attention to D/s etiquette (collars)
D/s etiquette is a big topic, but the most essential concept to understand for the sake of play party attendance is the collar. Out in the world collars and chokers can be cute fashion accessories, but a submissive usually only wears a collar if it’s given to them (referred to as “being collared”) by a Dominant they’re either owned by or in service to. To quote my Dominant, the beautiful terrifying Dahlia Snow, “I’d say almost never cruise an obviously collared person unless you already knew them and their dynamic.” If you’re not somebody’s personal submissive, don’t wear a collar. It will confuse people.
Plan to communicate for pick-up play
You meet someone cute, you hit it off, and you’re ready to get freaky immediately. That’s called “pick-up play,” and unlike building a longterm kink relationship where you take your time getting to know each other and filling out fetish spreadsheets, its spontaneous nature requires more concise, to-the-point negotiation of the scene you want to engage in. A good list of things to hit upon before a pick-up play scene would be:
- Pain tolerance on a scale of 1 – 10
- What you want to do together
- Hard nos (things they absolutely don’t want to do)
- Soft nos (things you are cautious/scared of, but may want to try)
- What you do or don’t like to be called
- Safe words – the thing either of you can say to stop or pause the scene, “red” and “yellow” respectively being the most common safe word for each
For bottoms playing with a top for the first time, you may find they’re hesitant to go heavy — but erring on the side of caution is always the responsible choice with someone you’re not intimately acquainted with, even if you are able to take more.
Aftercare
The last thing to hit on in pre-scene negotiations is what aftercare each of you needs. Engaging in BDSM and other sexual taboos can be a very intense experience that may leave you feeling shaky and drained. Aftercare brings you back to feeling safe and okay, especially for bottoms/submissives — although dom/me tops need aftercare too! Don’t neglect it. Common aftercare actions can be: holding each other, talking, giving positive affirmations, or bringing the other person food or water.
If you’re topping and your bottom says they don’t need aftercare, it’s still a good idea to get them water and make space for them to chill with you for a second before jumping out into the party to ensure they don’t unexpectedly crash. You can also offer to check in with a text message the next day to make sure everything’s alright with them emotionally and physically.
If you’re a bottom, check if your top needs aftercare. Even after the beatings have ended, the scene isn’t really over until aftercare has been addressed. If you can’t make sure your playmate gets the aftercare they need, you really shouldn’t be playing with them.
Feel free to watch if you don’t want to play
BDSM play is encouraged at a play party — but it’s not required. Just snacking and socializing while surrounded by kinky activity can be fun on its own. If someone’s playing in a public area of the party, feel free to watch. Being a voyeur to someone else’s exhibitionist fantasy can both be really hot, and is a great way to learn new things; just remember to make sure you aren’t imposing over their scene or talking too loudly.
If you do decide to play, be conscious of the level of play you choose to engage in; it can be tempting to engage in certain BDSM activities to look or feel “cool,” but remember to not do play above your skill level at a community event. This puts the whole party at risk if something goes very wrong, and no one wants the paramedics or police called.
Don’t interrupt someone’s scene
I touched on this briefly above, but it’s the number one mistake I see new people make, so I can not reiterate it enough. BDSM is a deeply intimate, intense, and personal experience. There’s a lot of energy exchange involved and for some people (myself included), it’s as or more powerful and meaningful than sex. So unless they initiate it, do not talk to or touch someone while they’re playing (this includes aftercare). The best point of comparison would be for you to think how frustrated you would feel if someone interrupted you going down on your girlfriend to tell you how cool it is.
Speak up!
Say hi! Tell someone they’re hot! Ask for what you want!
Even if she seems like the scariest Mistress you’ve ever seen, remember: she’s just a person! Saying hi to her won’t hurt (until you want it to). Flirting or just meeting someone new at a play party is so fun! Someone may come up to you, but also, be as proactive as you can in approaching new people yourself. I know queer flirting anxiety is real; my number one tip is to accept that you might get rejected… and that’s okay! You can only really get what you want if you ask for it, and if they say no, move on and flirt with someone new. I believe it was either Aristotle or me that said “A quiet bottom is an empty bottom and closed holes don’t get filled.” It was probably Aristotle.
Don’t make assumptions, and prioritize consent always
These may as well be the golden rules of play parties. Maybe I’m just saying this as a bottom frequently mistaken for a top, but don’t assume — not about identities, desires, boundaries, anything. Assumptions are the enemy of direct communication and understanding. Don’t be afraid to ask questions; just make sure to be respectful and un-intrusive.
As far as actually engaging in play, remember that for some people, engaging in their kink is the whole act, not foreplay for sex, so never assume that sex is part of the package. Check in throughout your play, even if safe words haven’t been used. If you wanna be a brat pretending to hate everything, it can take the sexy out of it to outright say “yeah, I’m loving it,” so choose non-verbal cues ahead of time to signal you’re good to continue. My go-to is an arm squeeze that I return if it’s okay to keep going.
It seems basic, but a sexually charged environment can make you lower your inhibitions and may lead you to believe there are less rules, but in fact there are usually more — because BDSM runs on rules. So unless you’re specifically told otherwise, don’t touch anyone without their consent.
Also, not everybody is out as kinky. Never take pictures without consent. If you run into someone you met at a play party outside, don’t mention where you met without checking in first.
It’s okay to make mistakes (and you don’t need to leave if you do)
There are quite a few BDSM-specific social rules that can be hard to keep track of, especially in a sexually charged situation — so know that you may mess up, but don’t see it as the end of your kinky world. We were all new once and we’ve all made mistakes. What matters is that you’re open to learning and acknowledge your mistakes. Use the situation as a growing experience rather than internalizing it as a failure.
Going to a play party for the first time — or the first few times! — can be intimidating, and it’s easy to feel pressure to Do It Right and make a good impression on the hot kinky people in your area. Remember that both play and parties are supposed to be fun! Let yourself have fun and low expectations, showing up in the spirit of exploration, trying new things with curiosity and enthusiasm, rather than focusing on how you’re perceived or set-in-stone desires for how you want the night to go. Who knows what memorable new friends, fantasies, knowledge or experiences you might leave with if you’re open to them!
How to Navigate Polyamory as a Non-Primary Partner
You’re gay. You’re poly. You start dating this dyke and the two of you really like each other. You’re sprung and you just want to live your fantasies of U-Hauling to heaven and back with her or adopting a pit bull rescue together. But this cannot be, for she has a primary partner.
Queer non-monogamy, while having many perks, can also be really frustrating sometimes, especially when you are looking for love and don’t have a primary partner of your own. It’s hard to not feel less important when you know someone else gets to spend more time with your love interest than you do. I get it. I was a member of the “always a side piece, never a main piece” brigade for much of my early adult years. It’s a difficult spot to be in, so I’m here with advice on how to navigate polyamory as a non-primary partner.
Polyamory can take many forms. Maybe you’re casually dating an older butch4butch couple, or you’re hooking up with a stud in an open relationship. Or you might be engaging in a serious romance with a femme who’s married and has several other partners. Because there’s such a wide variety of poly configurations you could exist within, I’ll try to stick to the fundamentals of how to embody Good Poly rather than Bad Poly.
Try to go in without expectations
(and if you can’t stow your expectations, be direct!)
This statement is applicable to many things in life, but it’s very important to surviving as a sidechick. Removing expectations from your romance is in the interest of everybody in the poly pocket.
There’s a concept known as The Relationship Escalator that illustrates the expectation of progress within a monogamous relationship. Basically, it’s the idea that as romance grows between people, commitment levels will naturally escalate with it. The main issue with The Relationship Escalator is that it treats romantic relationships the same way one might treat a corporate job: you start at an entry-level position (e.g. casual dates) and assume that if you work hard enough, you will end up at a higher position (#1 favorite girlfriend).
This concept doesn’t really translate to a non-monogamous relationship. When you begin to date someone who’s already dating other people, you can’t expect to be promoted. Try to let go of your expectations of what the relationship could be or should be, and just enjoy being together.
Sometimes you can’t get rid of your expectations because they’re actually just your needs and desires, and that’s okay! As always, your best strategy is to directly communicate what you expect and need in a relationship, giving them the opportunity to decide if they can meet your expectations.
Be receptive to their boundaries
Your date and their partner have rules for what they each can and can’t do with other people. These can range from restrictions like “no sleepovers” and “no sex marks” to just needing to check in with each other. It’s crucial to respect these boundaries and be honest about whether you can work within those boundaries.
It can feel unfairly limiting to adhere to rules set by someone outside your relationship, but remember that someone in your relationship (your date) agreed to those boundaries. Treat them with the same respect as your date’s personal boundaries, because that’s what they are.
You can still advocate for your needs and even ask if the rules can be negotiated, but don’t push it. Directly communicating boundaries and needs helps you make compromises without feeling compromised.
Set boundaries for yourself
When you’re swooning over some cutie, it can be so tempting to make decisions with your heart over your brain. Thanks to NRE, or New Relationship Energy, infatuation is overflowing from your little gay body and you want to do everything with this person even if it might hurt, and nothing else matters. In poly, it’s really essential to check these urges. I’m girl-crazy with mostly godawful impulse control, so I set boundaries for myself to keep from getting carried away by romantic thoughts.
Don’t make big life decisions based purely off that NRE, like moving or changing your whole schedule. Make sure the decisions you make are for yourself and that you protect your heart.
Accept that you’re going to be jealous sometimes
It’s going to happen and it’s totally natural. The important thing is to work through your jealousy with a therapist, or a friend, instead of projecting it onto your boo or relying solely on them to help you process. While it is important to be real about your feelings with a date, remember that these feelings are your responsibility to work through.
Don’t compare yourself to their partner
Avoid the pitfall of comparing yourself to their primary. Yes, sometimes your date may have a very specific type and you’ll notice you share more than a passing resemblance to their other boo (I’m very guilty of this), but you are different people with a different history. One reason people prefer to have a non-monogamous love life is because their needs and desires go beyond what one person can meet, so they’ll date very different people who fulfill very different needs.
Your date likes you for you. They didn’t choose you because you’re just a lesser version of the partner they already have. Comparing yourself is useless and will only make you feel worse.
Get to know their partner
This is probably the scariest part. You probably heard about your metamour (the partner of your partner) before meeting them and maybe you’ve built up an intimidating image of them in your head. Put your assumptions and fears to the side and make a genuine attempt to get to know them. The idea of meeting your metamour can be very daunting, but doing so usually makes things much easier for you and your partner.
Some primaries don’t like meeting their partner’s other dates, though (I once had a primary that refused to meet other dates), which is also fine. I believe that since you share a love interest, it’s in your best interest to get along. If you can be friends, be friends!
Don’t have opinions about your partner’s other relationships
Meeting metamours helps you build your own opinion of them, but what if the opinion you build is “wow, she’s kind of a jackass?” If your girlfriend’s primary is rude or unkind to you, it’s important to tell her. If you see your date being mistreated, address the issue and check in with her. Beyond that, it isn’t your place to tell her how to handle her other relationships.
Criticizing your partner’s other relationships is a slippery slope. What may appear toxic to you could just be a loving relationship outside what you are familiar with. You have to trust that your boo knows what they’re doing with their life. Your intentions may be well-meaning, but your opinion can be skewed by personal bias. If you think they’re in a bad situation, the best thing to do is to listen to them, check in with them, and ask them what they want for themselves.
I’ve had a few partners who I knew were in a toxic situation with their primary, and I’ve had partners see me in similarly bad relationships. We listened to each other vent about our dyke-y dilemmas and offered support, but knew we couldn’t give advice beyond what was asked. Sometimes I’ve downright hated my metamours because of things my partner told me about them, but I behaved civilly towards them out of respect for my partner. Support them however you can, just don’t try to rescue them.
Be friends
Spend time with your boo where you’re doing things that aren’t romantic or sexual.
It’s useful to practice being friendly without being amorous, especially if you spend time together while their primary partner is around. Also, it’s just nice getting to know someone as a friend while you’re getting to know them as a date. Speaking from personal experience, my best long-term relationships have often started as casual dates and hookups with friends and down the line we realized we loved each other. I still have solid relationships with most of those people now, because we built that friend foundation and know there’s more to our bond than just attraction.
Take care of you
Never fundamentally value someone else’s needs above your own. It can be so fun and frankly intoxicating to share romance with a beautiful babe, and it can be really easy to forget your own personal needs when you’re caught up in the throes of gay love. It’s perfectly reasonable to prioritize your flourishing romance, but don’t make it your top priority, because in all likelihood, your love interest may not be able to reciprocate that level of attention when they have other partners.
Remember who you are as an individual and nurture that. Remember that the more secure and happy you are in yourself, the more comfortable you will be in your love life. Do nice and nurturing things for you that don’t involve her.
Some recommendations:
- Cook yourself a cute dinner
- Make art
- Take your meds
- Masturbate
- See Tori Amos in concert
- Go to therapy
- Prioritize time with platonic friends
- Look at memes
- Admire your butt
- Pet a dog/cat/succulent/bowl of quinoa
- Masturbate some more
Do you actually want to be poly?
Why are you engaging in polyamory? Is it because you feel romantic or sexual attraction for multiple people at once? Is it because the girl you like happens to be poly and you just want to be with her? Is it because every queer you know is non-monogamous and you fear you’ll be alone if you don’t go with the pack?
I can’t tell you if any of these reasons will make it worth it for you, but I can say that I’ve come to consider it a major red flag when I see someone living as poly only because they believe they have no other options, which just isn’t true. There are plenty of monogamous queers out there, even if they seem a little harder to find. You aren’t likely to enjoy a lifestyle if you enter it out of a sense of social obligation or fear, so be honest with yourself.
Being good at poly takes a lot of work. Like all dating (and really all life), it’s a learning experience that very few people are instantly great at. Having patience with yourself and respect for your partner makes the experience a lot more manageable and goes a long way towards having the best relationship you can. Also, much of this advice is applicable to monogamous relationships; the need for it just becomes far more apparent when framed through polyamory, which can be a bit more complex.
I know when you’ve been a sidechick, it can feel like you’ll never be someone’s main squeeze. I lived that life for so long I built up a complex about it. It won’t be forever, and in the meantime: prioritize yourself, learn to be comfortable alone, and appreciate the romance you have for what it is.