Into the A+ Box #32: What If You Choose Not To Have Kids Because of Climate Change?
Welcome to the 31st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
Q1:
I really need help with this and I don’t have anyone else I could talk with.
I’m so so in love with this girl, more than I thought it was possible to be, and I know she feels the same, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible.
I don’t know if it’s my depression causing low libido or if we actual don’t work together. I don’t know how to try and fix this. Is there a way to fix it, even? Can this be a deal breaker?
A:
Ro: How much sex have you had with this person so far? Did you enjoy the sex you had? Do you have similar kinks and sexual fantasies? If it’s clear that you’re into different things, then you might be sexually incompatible, but if this is purely a case of mismatched libidos, then there might be some ways you can work around it if you’re both willing to put in the effort.
If this person wants more frequent sex than you’re typically up for, are there creative ways that you can meet her sexual needs that still fall within your comfort zone? Some people go straight to non-monogamy as a solution, but that’s definitely not the only option. Are there times when you’re down to give sexual pleasure even if you’re not interested in receiving sxual pleasure? Are you open to mutual masturbation or engaging in some dirty talk while your partner masturbates?
There are ways you can increase your libido if that’s something you’re interested in, too. If you’ve always had a low libido, that might just be how your body operates, but there’s still a chance that there’s an underlying issue that’s eating away at your sex drive. A history of sexual trauma, anxiety and other mental health issues can impact your sex drive. Hormonal imbalances or side effects from medication could also be quashing your libido. Check in with a therapist and/ or your doctor. They can help you figure out what’s going on and take steps towards getting your sex drive back.
Vanessa: I don’t think anything Ro said is wrong, but I do have a slightly more harsh perspective on things. I think sexual compatibility can totally be a deal breaker, because I think lots of things can be deal breakers, if they’re very important to us.
I say this from a place of love and compassion, because I have watched so many couples try to make it work when it became very clear that one or both of their needs just weren’t being met. I’m not just talking about sex here. Yes, relationships take work, and yes, compromise and communication are great, but I worry that too many queer people work very very very hard and compromise very very very much because we’re afraid there’s nobody else out there for us, and that scarcity mentality drives us to stay in relationships that do not fulfill us.
I don’t know a lot about you and this girl. I don’t know if you’re in a serious relationship, I don’t know how long you’ve been together, I don’t know if she also feels your sex drives are mismatched or if she’s totally unaware you have this concern. But I do know that I can’t stop thinking about Carolyn’s answer to a question in the A+ Advice Box from a few weeks ago. A monogamous person was asking if they could successfully have a friends with benefits situation with a polyamorous person and Carolyn was basically like, “sure, you could, but wouldn’t it be easier to date someone who dates the same way you do?” They said it more eloquently, I’m sure, but the point stands: sometimes we make things complicated for ourselves and like… it doesn’t have to be.
If sex, and having lots of it, is very important to this girl and not very important to you, that might be a dealbreaker, just like if one person wants kids and the other person 100% doesn’t, that might be a dealbreaker, or frankly if one person is vegan and the other person eats meat, it might be a dealbreaker. I don’t have judgement toward any of the hypothetical people I just described — none of the choices are right or wrong, good or bad — they’re just different. I guess I just want you to consider if the difference between your and this girl’s sex drive is worth fighting very hard to get on the same page, or if possibly you could both be happier with other people.
Q2:
hi wonderful peeps! i just got out of a year long relationship, and with distance and time i’ve realized that i was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. (my friends all told me but i guess it’s harder to see from the inside…?)
do you have any tips on how to get your mental and emotional stuff back on track? i feel like my head was scrambled and just dont know where to start
thank you so much for all that you do! and congrats on making your fundraising goal!
A:
Ro: I’m so sorry that you were in that situation. It can take a long time to undo emotional abuse, but it’s absolutely possible! First — therapy, therapy, therapy! A therapist can help you identify and change any false beliefs you developed in response to the abuse and help you build up your confidence again. Also, pay attention to your patterns. Do you find yourself apologizing to people even when you’ve done nothing wrong? Do you worry that your friends are mad at you when there’s no evidence of that? Do you often doubt yourself? Write these things down. The more aware you are of these patterns, the more easily you’ll be able to interrupt them when they show up. And surround yourself with supportive people who help you feel good about yourself. You’ll need all the positive energy you can get while you heal. And make sure you spend a long time practicing all of these things before entering into another relationship so that you don’t repeat the patterns you developed in response to the abuse.
Vanessa: Friend! Thank you for your kind words, and for the congrats about the fundraiser. Thank YOU for being an A+ member — you are part of the reason our fundraiser succeeded!
Now, I want to echo every single thing Ro said. As someone who was in an extremely short lived emotionally abusive relationship, I can confirm that sadly it can take years to recover from that kind of dynamic, and honestly, almost seven years later, I am still working through some of the damage that person caused. Which is not to be negative but rather to emphasize: THERAPY IS THE MOVE.
Along with regularly seeing a therapist, I found it very useful to talk honestly and openly about what had happened to me. For a long time I internalized what happened and thought I had done something wrong, so I was filled with guilt and shame that I carried around quietly. Once I got brave and started sharing with close friends what happened and how it made me feel, I felt so much more free, and I also was able to connect with people who had experienced similar things in relationships, which provided so much relief. It sounds like your friends are very supportive and already aware of what your relationship dynamic was like, so definitely lean on them and ask for help, even if that just means having a pal listen to you talk through your experience.
I’m really sorry this happened to you and I am wishing you luck and healing for the future.
Nicole: Thank you so much for the congrats on the fundraiser! We are so grateful to you and every A+ member who’s helped us know we will be okay for the next several months! Thank you.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for writing in and trusting us. I agree wholeheartedly with everything Ro and Vanessa have said. Therapy is the move! As is talking to your friends, maybe others who’ve been in similar situations. Now, you might not be ready for this, or interested, but another thing that has helped me to heal and move forward, and especially, with unburdening that shame and guilt that come with emotional abuse, has been seeking out books, podcasts, other media (especially about others’ experiences) that helped me to look at things more clinically, and with that, to understand what actually happened. All of these things; therapy, talking honestly with friends, journaling, research are ways of reconnecting with reality and learning to trust yourself again. I hope that you have the best of luck in your healing journey. Thank you again for reaching out.
Q3:
Hello! I’ve been in a bit of a situation for over a year now. It all started when I become friends with someone I had a crush on. And then the friendship grew and grew, and now she’s my best friend. I told her very early on in the friendship that I had feelings for her. At the time, she was opening up a long term relationship and said she appreciated my honesty, but felt her life was too complicated to get involved with a friend. Fair! I tried to move on and stick with just being friends, but more and more she started getting flirty. Then Covid hit. Over the course of the summer she became more flirty, and I ended up confessing I was still attracted to her, but didn’t want to lose her as a friend. I said that I was trying to get over my feelings for her, and she told me not to try to control them. “Just let what happens happen” were her exact words. During this time she’s been seeing someone, but they’re nonmonogamous (but not she’s not seeing anyone else because of covid). She continues being flirty and tells me WAY more about her sex life than I can handle without being turned on.
A couple months later, I talk to her again about how I’m struggling, and it feels like sometimes she’s flirting with me. I told her that it’s hard when all I want to do is kiss her, and sometimes her actions give me hope that something could happen…to which she said something along the lines of “yeah I’m probably flirting sometime and who knows what could happen between us in the future.” It was around this time that she joined a pandemic pod, so our covid safety rules are strict (only outside, distanced). Since that conversation (it’s now been more than six months), our friendship has grown more, and I’m learning more about her. Lately she’s been talking a lot about how she likes to not have expectations with any relationship, platonic or otherwise, and she likes to let them evolve however they evolve. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel a spark between us, but am I completely crazy?
A:
Ro: You’re not crazy. This person has given you zero clarity and has shitty boundaries. It sounds like you want to know exactly where this is headed, and after six confusing months, that makes sense! Maybe she likes to be loosey goosey about the line between friendship and romance, but you need more transparency, so ask for that. If she can’t commit to pursuing something romantic with you, then ask her to stop flirting with you and stop sharing the details of her sex life. You deserve clarity, especially from someone you consider to be your best friend.
Vanessa: Co-signing Ro — you’re absolutely not crazy, but you do have to take control of this situation because it sounds like your best friend isn’t going to, at least not in a way that is fair to you. The most generous reading of what’s going on is that your pal has bad boundaries and likes flirting with you, is a free spirit, and is cool with letting her relationships live in a grey space. The least generous reading is that she’s stringing you along, enjoys the attention she gets from you, and is being pretty disrespectful considering she knows about your crush and has been sharing a lot about her love/sex life and not answering your straight forward concerns outright for months and months now.
It’s true that everyone is responsible for their own behavior and your friend isn’t doing anything Wrong, necessarily, but your relationship right now is not making you feel very good. Which is why I say: you have to take control of this situation. You must be very clear about the boundaries you need in your friendship moving forward, and you must ask that she stick to them. If she can’t, it’s possible you might need to take some space. You can’t magically make her give you more clarity or respect the boundaries you think a platonic friendship should hold, but you can remove yourself from her sphere for a while if she can’t help but tell her close pals about her sex life and hint that one day you could be a part of it, you know?
Q4:
My partner and me are moving to a small, liberal town – with a big college – for my job at the college. We need to find a variety of medical specialists and therapists.
From the last time we moved and did this two years ago, we know it’s super important that all of the docs and therapists be queer competent. And *actually* competent, not just rainbow-stickered – we have had a range of negative health care experiences, including an overtly surprised/hostile reception for me (butch) in a “LGBT welcoming” gynecology office in my current city today.
We know a number of people in the town where we are moving, and a few are queer. But the queer folks are not in the health network we’re going to use, so personal references are probably out.
How do you find care in this situation? We both have conditions that need some pretty serious management, so we can’t afford to postpone/not set up care. We are not interested in alternative medicine.
A:
Ro: If your new town has a queer Facebook group, ask its members for some recommendations. I’ve found recommendations for queer-friendly gynocologists, therapists and even barbers from my city’s queer Facebook group. You might even make some new pals in the process!
Rachel: If you’re in any kind of position to compare providers or have an initial conversation with them, I’d make a list of what competency would look like for you and your partner given your health situation – do you need providers who are comfortable building medication regimens for folks on HRT or trying to get pregnant via IVF? Providers who can confirm they’ve worked with gender nonconforming patients before? Therapists who have prior experience working with people working on internalized homophobia or unaccepting families? I think nailing down (as much as possible) concrete markers of what genuinely competent and not just ‘rainbow stickered’ care would look like and asking both providers and friends about those things specifically may help!
Vanessa: In addition to Ro and Rachel’s suggestions, I wouldn’t count out personal recommendations just yet. In my experience, doctors generally know at least a few other doctors in their field in the town where they practice, and they’re usually happy to provide references to folks who take insurance they don’t, are accepting new clients if they’re not, etc. Ask your queer friends who have positive experiences with their doctors/therapists/etc if they would be comfortable asking their providers to recommend providers who work within you and your partner’s network who are equally queer competent. Good luck.
Q5:
Hi y’all! I need some advice. I have fallen hard, very hard, for one of my coworkers. I’ve had crushes on coworkers before and have been able to move on, however. I know she’s also queer, I’m fairly certain she’s available, and perhaps worst of all I think she returns at least some of the feeling, all of which make it very hard to move past this (not to mention my dating life is nonexistent right now, which also does not help). And I might even consider following it through, but we work in a pretty close contact environment and see each other every day, which is asking for disaster. But…we have so much in common! We’ve been texting and talking on the regular and I have so much fun talking to her…she’s smart and hot and has simply incredible taste in music…I shouldn’t go for this, should I? That would be a terrible idea right? Help!
A:
Himani: You are asking for disaster, and I think you know that. Your HR office also might have (should have, I hope, does have) policies around workplace relationships and whether / which levels of staff can date, so you might want to familiarize yourself with those before you proceed. Also find out how that changes if one of you were to, say, get a promotion, just so you know what to expect down the line. Another relevant piece to think through here is how long you see yourself and how long you think this other person sees themselves staying with your current employer? Because being in a relationship with a co-worker could seriously affect your or their professional goals if you are both planning to stay and grow within this organization.
This isn’t to say you don’t have some options though. After you’ve familiarized yourself with those HR policies and assuming that you can actually date each other per your HR policy, think through all the potential outcomes if you were to ask this co-worker out. If they are interested, what boundaries will you draw at work? If they are not interested, how are you going to mitigate awkwardness in your daily interactions at work? Can you do that (ie is your personality amenable to that kind of compartmentalizing)? If you date for a while but things don’t work out, how will you continue to remain professional at work with your ex? If you’re struggling to think through how you’re going to navigate any of that, then I think all signs point to “don’t go for it while you continue to work together.”
And that’s your other option: Remain friends, get another job, ask her out after you resign. Obviously, I’m not suggesting to give up everything for the potential of a relationship that might not even materialize. But, going back to my earlier question — how long do you see yourself staying in this current job? If you really don’t see yourself staying in the organization or you’re not interested in the work, then maybe make finding a job you’re more interested in your priority in the short term so that you can approach dating this person on surer ethical footing.
Vanessa: Himani’s advice is so, so solid. I personally am extremely against co-workers dating — I think it can turn into a disaster for you and your co-worker, for sure, but it also can make things uncomfortable in the workplace for everyone, sometimes in insidious ways you won’t even realize — but I think Himani’s point about thinking this through down the line is a fair one. I personally know at least three couples who met at work and started dating while both people worked there, but in all three cases one or both of the people left the company fairly soon after (in one case, this specifically happened because it was a boss/employee situation and felt both ethically and actually legally — per HR — not okay, and those folks are married now, so like, I guess they felt it was worth it for one of them to find a whole new job!).
Something else I want to touch on very quickly though is the part of your question where you say: “I know she’s also queer, I’m fairly certain she’s available, and perhaps worst of all I think she returns at least some of the feeling, all of which make it very hard to move past this (not to mention my dating life is nonexistent right now, which also does not help).” I want to remind you that we’ve been living through a pandemic. Our worlds’ right now are very, very small. It’s possible you and this girl may have real crush feelings for each other. But it’s also possible that life — not just your dating life, but also your dating life — “is nonexistent right now.” Before you make a decision about if you should ask your co-worker on a date, I’d do some deep thinking about how much of this crush is really just based in boredom. If the world were a little more open and it were safe to be doing much more than what most of us have spent the past 365 days doing, would you be interested in this girl? If this question gives you even a hint of a pause, I’d wait a little while longer to see if the spark dies on its own as the world starts to open up.
Q6:
When it comes to dating, at what point do you say you’re seeing someone? I’ve been texting with someone for 2-3 months, and we went on one Zoom date, and plan to go on a second one when she gets back from visiting family. If we weren’t in a pandemic, we probably would’ve gone on more dates and met in-person by this point. Zoom dating makes it all seem less real. Maybe I shouldn’t be in a rush to define what we are to each other? But I long for the security of knowing exactly how casual or not casual a dating situation is.
A:
Ro: Even though you’ve been in touch with this person for a few months, it sounds like things have been pretty casual so far (unless you’re texting each other paragraphs upon paragraphs from morning until night). It’s probably not time for a “what are we” conversation, but if you’re unclear on this person’s intentions (“Are you looking for a relationship?” “What do you imagine your life and your dating life will look like post-pandemic?”), then it’s totally ok to ask! It makes sense that you’d want to know what she’s up for. We’re living in an uncertain world right now, so clarity feels extra grounding.
Vanessa: I love clarity, so I’m very into bluntly asking what’s up when I’m going on dates with someone. I agree with Ro; from the info you’ve provided us in your question it does seem that things are pretty casual, but it’s perfectly alright to clarify that with a question. It doesn’t have to be a huge deal. I think people get nervous they can’t do the “WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS” convo on Date #1, and that’s fair — especially if something is casual, it can be a tad overwhelming to feel put on the spot about The Future Of Us, Question Mark. But it doesn’t need to be an all-caps investigation in the least. Your opening question is the guide here: “When it comes to dating, at what point do you say you’re seeing someone?” When it comes to dating, it’s specific to the two people doing the dating. Ask your date this question! It’s the only way you’ll know for sure what they’re thinking, and thus the only way to get the clarity you desire.
Q7:
Hi AS Team!
I wrote in once before and may write in again as I try to gather all my thoughts and feelings and I’m sorry and I appreciate your patience. I’m looking for help finding resources for queer survivors of sexual assault, ways to deal with ugly first times and queerness that feels tainted. I am a bi nb femme was sexually abused for a prolonged period by a significantly older girl while in elementary school, since then I have also experienced a rape by a man as I worked through feelings of sex being purely an action that happens to me. First, it can feel really isolating to have a female abuser in a patriarchal world that typically allows men more latitude to act out. I feel conflicted when my friends make binary statements about hating men and male abusers. I recognize that other queer people are probably affected by same sex abusers but i’ve had trouble finding spaces about this or resources.
I’ve also been having a lot of feelings this year as everyone’s stuck inside reminiscing because I feel like a lot of my first times and formative experiences aren’t the light hearted anecdotes people are looking for. I don’t want to be dishonest to my experience and life but I also feel like a party pooper when my friends are talking about 2nd grade “crushes” and fun kid drama and all I have to offer is complex abuse memories, this leaves me feeling left out and othered in these conversations. Additionally, having these “first” experiences be abuse feels complex because although they’re not exactly my firsts because I didn’t consent to them, they still affect every subsequent similar experience (my “first” kiss) and therefore feel like firsts.
Lastly, navigating queer spaces as someone with such early same sex trauma feels exhausting sometimes and I was wondering if anyone has advice on how to do this/ask for support here, it took me a very long time to come to terms with my queerness, largely because of compulsory heterosexuality that was highly influenced by keeping my abuse under wraps and a perception that people would see my queerness as reenacting my abuse. I’ve had a couple of conversations with queer friends where I brought up my abuse and got literally no response and others where they got mad at me for using it as an excuse, I don’t really know how to proceed. Queerness, especially acknowledged, open queerness is scary for me and that’s something I’m really working on but saying that seems to be taken as an attack? (I want to be clear, I’ve always been a “strong ally,” others queerness is not my issue, just being part of the community myself) Anything would be helpful, thank you, thank you
A:
Himani: Unfortunately, I don’t have resources to share with you regarding same sex abuse. I do want to share a few thoughts on a couple of other challenges you raised, though.
When it comes to the spaces where people are talking about “first” experiences, just know that you’re not alone in feeling isolated in those discussions. A friend of mine once observed that, for a lot of women (and I will add here, more generally, people who are not cis men), their first sexual experiences can be really unpleasant, in part because of experiences of trauma and assault and in part because the world (I think the world is the appropriate level of generalization here) is not super great at acknowledging and talking about the desires and pleasure of people who are not cis men. I say that to say, you’re definitely not alone in not wanting tosit in conversations about “your first kiss” or “your first crush” or whatever.
When you find yourself in settings where these types of casual conversations about “firsts” are happening, you might think of a generic response to give that doesn’t necessarily share more about your abuse than you want to but is still honest to your experience. And then move the conversation into a direction you feel more included in. For instance, you could even say, simply, “Oh, I don’t really want to talk about my first kiss but — I want to change the topic — did you hear that xyz celebrity did abc??” (or whatever other aspect of queer culture is your thing, clearly celebrity gossip is not my thing…) If you find that in certain spaces these conversations just keep coming up, you may want to consider if those spaces are really the right place for you? Are they serving you and giving you what you need in terms of the types of connections you want where you feel included by the others? Might you be better served in settings that are centered more around things you’re interested in (like a queer book club, food crawl — for when the world reopens — or whatever strikes your fancy).
And in terms of being comfortable about your queerness. With regards to the people who got mad at you: you really don’t owe anyone any explanations. Struggling to be comfortable with being open about your queerness is definitely not an attack on the queer community. Not being open or out about your queerness is also not an attack on the queer community and is not in some way “failing” the queer community (or, even, yourself). And I’ll put it here that anyone who is saying otherwise is just flat out wrong. Here again, the best advice I can offer you is to go out and do more and more queer activities and meet more queer people. Eventually you’ll find some who are better able to provide you the support you’re looking for than it sounds like your current circle can.
Vanessa: Thank you for trusting us with your questions, and I hope you’ll write to us as many times as you want/need to. Like Himani said, I don’t have specific resources for same sex abuse, but I do have a few things I want to share.
Almost 10 years ago, my friend Kate wrote this essay for Autostraddle: You Are Not Alone: On Being A Queer Survivor. Obviously it comes with a trigger warning (specifically: “This piece contains content relating to rape, substance abuse and eating disorders.”) but I think you might want to read it. Not because it will make you feel better, or because it’s an easy read, but because it says a true thing: you are not alone.
The way you wrote your question, I think a lot of people in your life have made you feel alone. Or like if you don’t embody or perform your queerness in a specific way you don’t deserve to be part of queer community. Those people are wrong. I wish I had an easy answer about how to find support in these spaces or how to find community that feels like home, but I don’t. A lot of it is trial and error. A lot of it is going outside your comfort zone to see if a place is filled with like minded people, and leaving if it isn’t. But by sending in your questions, you’re already reaching out, and you should feel proud.
I want to leave you with a couple more links that may be useful in some capacity:
+ The Autostraddle Guide to Queer Mental Health
+ National Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones
Sincerely: I hope you write to us again. Thank you for being here. <3
Q8:
Hey all,
Alright this is a long one because, ya know, context.
I have been with my partner for just over two years and we’ve known each other for about 8. We have enjoyed a deeply connected, intentional monogamous relationship where we prioritize communication, autonomy, and support. Prior to the pandemic, we were living separately but spoke about looking forward to moving in together. During this time I was working mostly 12+ hour days, we had very independent lives but spent most of our nights together and expressed such deep love and commitment and an earnest desire to spend more time together if we could. When NYC shut down in March 2020, we discussed and chose to spend the shut down together, and we’ve been living together ever since. We were both laid off from our jobs for the first many months of shut down. I started working again in June, and my partner got a great job that they love around August. Quite quickly my partner began staying out with work folks after jobs, going out for drinks often – something we intentionally weren’t doing because of COVID. Them prioritizing friend time wasn’t necessarily an issue for me (other than the obvious COVID bit). I often wanted to be a part of it and experienced a little bit of jealousy, but also gave my partner a lot of space to enjoy their new friendships with co-workers, etc. In November my partner came to me to express they were developing feelings for a co-worker. It has been now 4 months of difficult conversations. After about a month, the pain I was experiencing as a result of this newness prompted me to ask for a boundary while we try to heal together and work through this. I asked if they would be comfortable focusing on us for a bit and not engaging in their relationship with him (which was primarily texting). This lasted 3 days before they admitted they could not stand not talking to him. We then transitioned to a softer boundary while I tried to heal from the grief of losing our relationship as it was while investigating my needs and wants: they can text/talk when we’re not together. We both agreed and they ensured me that they would maintain their relationship as a “friendship only” while we work together to heal and learn and figure this out. I knew in my heart this soft boundary would lead to growing feelings and constant communication between them (we both work full time again and spend most of our awake hours apart), but didn’t feel comfortable asking for a harsher boundary so as not to create a situation that could cause them to feel resentment toward me.
So, as I anticipated, they have fallen in love with him. My partner wants to open our relationship and pursue this additional outside relationship while maintaining our partnership as their primary partnership. I was non-monogamous in my early 20’s and noticed a pattern where whenever I started dating someone new, I pretty quickly became so into and excited by that person, I would break up with my other partner. This transitioned to monogamy for me, and any of my long-term relationships have been monogamous ever since. I do not blame my partner for developing feelings, nor do I wish for them to deny their quickly developing needs for me. However, I am really struggling with how the ask for non-monogamy is coming to me now: in the form of, “I’m already in love with someone else, this is something I need” rather than a mutually consensual discussion of non-monogamy as a hypothetical relationship structure for us to think about and share our feelings. I know what I want, which is simultaneously: a loving, supportive, and intentional monogamous relationship, as WELL as for both parties to feel supported and fulfilled in this structure. This has caused a pain so deep in me, and I sincerely struggle to think of anything else. My partner says that being able to fully realize this outside relationship will bring them closer to me, will eliminate their distraction, and allow them to be fully present. It has had the opposite effect on me (I feel a space between us, I’m constantly thinking about them and him together). I’m working really hard (with myself, my therapist, and my friends) to investigate why this all hurts me so much, why I can’t find any resources that offer a more holistic approach to understanding relationship styles – rather than just touting non-monogamy as essentially “enlightened” or “queer doctrine”, and also, are our preferred relationship formats essential to our identities? Can this grow and change?I have a fierce desire to try this for them, but am fearful it’ll crash and burn. I love my partner so deeply and so wholly, but it feels that any way this situation is sliced, the future of our relationship rests on my shoulders as my partner expresses they want to be with me forever, and either way I choose to move forward, I’m making a massive sacrifice. The unbalance of the situation feels extremely uncomfortable. I read these advice columns frequently and sincerely appreciate and admire all of y’all’s guidance, experience, and expertise!
A:
Ro: This is an incredibly difficult situation, and it sounds like you’ve been putting a lot of thought and effort into fulfilling your partner’s needs while trying to maintain some boundaries for yourself. You say that you have a “fierce desire” to try non-monogamy with your partner, but you’re worried it will “crash and burn” because of your past experiences. Remember that you and your partner are not the same person, and experiences with non-mongamy vary in different contexts. Your partner might able to balance their relationship with you and their exploration with this new person, so if you’re willing to give them the chance to try, then go for it.
You might be able to get something out of a non-monogamous structure, too. To me, preferred relationship structures are not identities and they are not fixed. Relationship structure should vary depending on the people in them and their needs. Maybe there’s a way to practice non-mongamy that would work better for you than past arrangements have, and maybe the situation would feel more balanced if you had the freedom to date other people, too.
If you think through all of this and decide that you’re just not not into non-monogamy, period, that’s totally ok! Desiring monogamy doesn’t make you any “less queer” or “less evolved,” and telling your partner that you want a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean that you’re holding them back from something they need. Your partner isn’t stuck with you. If they really need to explore this new romance and you really need monogamy, then you can end your relationship together. It sucks, but it’s all you can do when your needs don’t align.
Himani: I agree with Ro that this is a difficult situation, and, as they write, “you’ve been putting a lot of thought and effort into fulfilling your partner’s needs.” It’s less clear to me that your partner has been equally thoughtful of your needs. Personally, I feel they’ve put you in an incredibly unfair situation. People don’t just “fall in love” — your partner made some conscious decisions about how much time they were spending and how they were engaging with this co-worker, even as you made it clear that you needed some time to process the information about them having a crush and being interested in pursuing it. (Side note: that’s not even touching on the COVID safety side of this — which it sounds like they were going out socially when you had agreed not to? Or the fact that they are also pursuing a co-worker, which — I mean, has your partner actually thought any of this through? See Q5 above.)
Essentially, your partner has strung you along, instead of taking your feelings and boundaries into real consideration, and, as you say, making a “mutually consensual” decision about the structure of your relationship. As a result, you’re left backed into a corner, again as you note, stuck being the one to pull the trigger on your relationship altogether or to move into a relationship format you already tried and found didn’t work for you, and they get to walk away not being the “bad guy,” not being the one to end your relationship — all under the guise of “woke queerness.” But the thing is, nothing about how your partner has handled this situation maps onto anything I’ve read about or heard about from people who practice polyamory or ethical non-monogamy.
I don’t know that anything in our life is entirely fixed per se, and it’s possible, as Ro says, that a non-monogamous structure with your current partner is going to work out great for you, and I’m not saying don’t go for it. But I do think it’s worth having some hard talks with your partner (perhaps with a couples counselor) about how you both have landed in this situation, and what that means about what is and isn’t working in how you communicate with each other, and what that portends for your relationship with them (monogamous or not).
Vanessa: Ro and Himani have given really excellent advice on this very challenging question. I do want to really emphasize the point they have both made which is that you are doing a LOT of work here. I want you to be gentle with yourself. I don’t know what will happen with this relationship, or what choices you will make, but this sentence struck me as so unfair to you: “I’m working really hard (with myself, my therapist, and my friends) to investigate why this all hurts me so much…” This all hurts you so much because your partner went outside the boundaries of your relationship and fell in love with someone else. That is painful, whether you believe in non-monogamy or not. You had a certain set of expectations and responsibilities in this partnership, and your partner went outside of them. Even if you do find a way to heal, even if you do stay together, you’re allowed to be hurt by that. There may be no deeper reason, there may be no moment when you / your therapist / your friends figure out what it is that is causing you pain… other than your partner’s actions. Because they are painful.
As for what to do moving forward, I hope you give yourself a lot of time and space to think about what YOU really want. Your partner was prioritizing themself when they made the choices that set this train moving, and now it’s time for you to prioritize yourself. I can’t tell you what is most important to you here, and I can’t pretend you don’t have a sacrifice to make, but I can tell you that you must put yourself first. You are the only one who will do that, and you deserve it.
Q9:
I just turned 30 and feel that I probably won’t have or adopt kids due to the threat of climate change. I keep up on climate news and work in an adjacent sector and I think the world will be a pretty heartbreaking place to live by the time my kids would be my age. I do not feel emotionally equipped to be responsible for children in the preceding years when things are really going downhill, knowing that things will likely get worse for them. I’m going to give myself 3-5 years to make a decision. If we can make significant strides in sustainability and clean energy then maybe I will reconsider, but that seems so unlikely in our polarized country (US) and world. I am so sad about this because I have always wanted one or two kids and I think I would be a good mom. I hope to mentor students and stay actively involved with my friends’ children/any kids my brother may have but I know it probably won’t be the same. With every new birth announcement from friends it feels like I am overreacting (though looking at the science that is hard to believe). Any advice for someone who is coming to terms with this and/or resources about being child free because of climate change from a queer perspective? Thank you.
A:
Himani: I’m going to start by saying that I know at least one couple who has similarly decided as you have that they don’t want children because of climate change. You’re not alone in making that decision. That doesn’t make the decision any easier, of course.
One of the most powerful things I’ve read was a piece by The Atlantic’s advice columnist Lori Gottlieb on ambiguous grief. Here, she’s talking about being single when everyone else is talking about their relationships, which is different from what you’re describing but shares some similarities, and I think the underlying principle she’s talking about may apply as well. As Gottlieb writes:
“It’s a type of grieving, but it’s different from the grieving someone might do after a concrete loss like the death of a spouse from, say, cancer. In ambiguous grief, there’s a murkiness to the loss. Lots of people experience ambiguous grief, not only those hoping to find a partner. … Ambiguous grief isn’t more or less painful than other types of grief—it’s just different. But one thing that does make it additionally challenging is that it tends to go unacknowledged. There are no condolence cards directed at the person whose spouse is there physically but not cognitively, or the person who can’t have the child she dreams of, or the person whose imagined partner has never appeared. There are no community rituals in place to support these people in their grief.”
I bring this up to say: take all the time you need to feel the real loss you are feeling around all of this. Part of your taking time for yourself on this may mean taking a bit of a step back from all the usual festivities around birth announcements. Especially for people you may not be as close with, I might suggest sending a gift and a heartfelt note but maybe skipping the (virtual, or otherwise) baby shower, so you don’t have to smile through an event that might actually be a really difficult reminder of your own unacknowledged loss.
If you can, find someone to talk to about your feelings. Try discussing with close friends who might be open to understanding what you’re going through, even if they’ve made different decisions themselves around having children. If you’re struggling to find friends who can play that role, then I might suggest seeking out a therapist to work through this with.
Most importantly, acknowledge your own feelings of sadness and loss over a future you have been wanting for yourself that has been foreclosed because of factors out of your control. That pain is real.
Rachel: I hear you and I think these are all really valid points, especially your concern about being able to emotionally support kids as they grow into awareness of climate grief and their changing world; I already think a lot about how difficult it is to watch Gen Z grow up in the world we’ve given them, and those aren’t even my kids. I don’t want to try to convince you of or out or anything; I will say in my own process of thinking through this stuff for myself, something Caroline Contillo said (who has written a lot about climate grief): when was a responsible time to have kids? You’re right that the world will be a pretty heartbreaking place to live; to be frank, it’s also a very heartbreaking place to live now, and was before that as well, especially for Black and Indigenous people – although it hasn’t been on the global scale of climate change before, genocide and apocalypse have always been here, more so for some of us than others, and life has continued; people have been born and made lives and communities, which in turn have worked to change the future. I agree with Himani that this time of discernment for you is a really good one to take and to give yourself time to grieve as much and as healthily as possible; in that process, you may also find opportunities to find some resilience and perspectives around climate and the future that don’t feel possible now; I would let yourself feel what you feel as honestly as possible and see where it takes you.
Vanessa: I just want to tell you that you’re not alone. I generally love giving advice and read the A+ advice box excitedly, and I am rarely stumped, but this one punched me in the gut and I really don’t know what to tell you. I could have written your question. I found comfort in both Himani and Rachel’s thoughtful and graceful answers, and I hope you did, too. I similarly am giving myself 3-5 years to make a more firm decision. I just want you to know that you’re not alone, I see you, I really really feel you, and I am sorry, honestly, for both of us. <3
Q10:
Hello, is it possible to stop having the wires crossed when it comes to any sort of intimacy? I’m not ready to have an active sexual/romantic/etc life again for fear of repeating patterns of codependency. It’s disheartening watching people my age (28) having stable emotions and healthy boundaries and think this could be me if I wasn’t so odd, fucked up and undesirable and learned how healthy relationships look like from the beginning.
I want to believe that it’s possible to leave that behind, but fearing the day I catch one (1) feeling and watching how it blows into infatuation is all I know.
I’m waiting for the pandemic to end to book a therapy session for this, since privacy isn’t something I have. It would be great to know what are some things to look forward to be free of codependency and feelings of undesirability for good.
Thank you very much, A+ has been a worthy investment!
A:
Rachel: I definitely love therapy for you as an option – I’m so glad you’re considering that! As someone who also has her own intimacy issues, I’m delighted to be able to tell you that it really is possible! I was around 28 when I started trying to work on this stuff in therapy in earnest, or in the particular way I have been, I suppose, and now am 32 and feel better about my relationships and my role in them than I ever have before! That’s not to say they’re like, perfect, or that I’m ~all better~, but usually when something is wrong with another person I can feel confident it’s because something is actually wrong, and not because my brain is ruining it (or caused me to choose someone who would ruin it). It may take a while to find a good therapist that really helps with this – in my experience ‘talk therapy’ or like CBT aren’t super useful for things like this; I don’t want to like diagnose you via advice box but it sounds like you’re describing some attachment stuff that’s often linked to our early childhood experiences and are best served by forms of therapy that focus on that. We did just do a whole series on different types of therapy you might be interested in! I believe in you, you got this!
Vanessa: I just want to co-sign Rachel that I believe in you, and I think therapy (and, importantly, choosing the right kind of therapy) is a really great option here. I also want to offer some hopeful anecdotal success stories, since you asked what you can look forward to in the future: two of my closest friends used to identify as people with anxious attachment styles (both stemming from childhood experiences) and they were both dating extremely avoidant people and feeling bad about themselves all the time. One of those pals has since broken up with her partner and is doing so much work on herself, and told me that for the first time in her life she is single and secure, and is enjoying casual sex and dating, prioritizing her own needs, and considering moving to the desert like she’s always wanted to! The other pal has been working really hard with their partner in therapy and they’re each learning and growing and moving toward a less anxious/avoidant attachment style. I used to think they should obviously break up, but I was wrong: watching them work and grow together proved to me that if two people put in the work on themselves, it really is possible to change negative patterns in relationships. I realize saying like, “two of my best friends are working on this and I see real material change and it rules!” is very much not scientific data, but I will say it’s been heartening, inspiring, and frankly joyful to witness, and I hope these stories help you feel hopeful about what’s on the other side.
Q11:
Hi Autostraddle! I just got done with punching a mattress–will explain later.
Here’s an unanswerable question that haunts me: Why does everyone crush on my friends but no one has a crush on me? For context, I am Asian. People have told me I’m cute my whole life. I go to a predominantly white college and most of my friends are white :(. All of them have been in multiple relationships. None of my crushes (I’ve confessed my feelings to many people) have liked me back. I go through a cycle of sadness and anger and then I feel like shit again. I’m a senior in college, I’ve never been kissed, and never been asked out. I’m the friend everyone can talk about their relationships with. It gets exhausting acting happy for all my friends when they start new relationships. I want to be happy too! How do I deal with this?
A:
Himani: Oh, my friend, how deeply I can relate to your pain and struggle. First, let’s just be honest and clear about a few things in the hopes that that acknowledgement may bring you some small comfort. One- there is a lot of racism in the queer community. Let’s call it for what it is. It’s not a coincidence that people are crushing on your white friends and seemingly no one is crushing on you. Two- Being queer and Asian can often feel like a painful and lonely existence. As you know, being Asian is hard enough because it can be incredibly difficult to find people who both welcome you into your circle and actually give credence to your experience. Add queerness into the mix and suddenly you find yourself completely isolated. It can also be really hard to find groups for queer Asians (the ones I know of are based in big cities) and even then it can be difficult to find ones that are sufficiently diverse in their Asian representation that everyone feels comfortable or seen there. (This is not a criticism, but just a real consequence of the fact that the term “Asian” covers a very, very wide range of people of different ethnicities and heritages, and sometimes you just need someone who can understand the complexity of being queer within your specific cultural context.)
The good news is you’re a senior in college. Honestly my best advice for you is, if you can, move to a big city when you graduate. Find a racially diverse queer community — actively seek that out. Leave the white queer spaces behind, and I promise you that you’ll find a lot of love and validation in non-white queer spaces. And who knows, you might also find a white person who’s attracted to you, too.
Might I also suggest, since you seem to be tying a lot of your self worth in how other people perceive you — therapy, if you can afford it? I don’t know how many days or months or years it might be until you get asked out or you have your first kiss or your first relationship, but I would work towards putting less weight on those things. People have those experiences at a variety of different stages in life. That doesn’t make you or anyone else any less. It’s just the reality that everyone’s life follows a different trajectory.
And this is for everyone else reading this: please stop calling the Asians in your life “cute” unless they are actually, you know, children. We are real, grown-ass people, so please do stop treating us diminutively, even if you mean well when you say “cute” because far, far too many people think that adult Asians are teenagers.
Q12:
Hello,
This is a call for advice.
I no longer have sex with my partner of almost four years, I’m unhappy about it, and don’t know what to do. They’ve stopped responding when I tried to initiate about a year and a half ago, and for a while they would initiate sex, though rarely (every 3-4 months), and now they’ve completely stopped for the past six months. I tried talking about this in a moment in which none of us was trying to get intimate or even kissing, but I got emotional (I get emotional easily), and they said it was not the right moment to speak. From time to time they ask whether I will dump them due to our lack of a sex life, and I say no, because that’s the truth. They do mention they love me as much as in the past, they’re still very tender and thoughtful.
They are reducing the amount of antidepressants they take, with the support of a psychiatrist, and I had hopes this would increase their libido, as they mentioned it had in the past. They do mention feeling a bit more libido, but when I mention feeling desire for them, they either don’t respond, or once, they tried to respond before ending up mentioning it wasn’t working for them.
We are in a monogamous-like relationship, as in they’re ok with me having sex with other people, but not getting romantically involved with other people. The issue is I don’t enjoy sex with people I don’t have a more involved relationship with.
I have a therapist but she’s straight and I don’t feel she would be very useful here.
Help?
A:
Ro: First, I don’t think you should write off your therapist just because she’s straight. Couples of all orientations deal with mismatched sex drives, so unless your therapist has expressed discomfort with the topic of sex before, then this is probably something she can help you work through. If you still feel uncomfortable talking to a straight person about your queer sex life, then your current therapist can probably refer you to a queer professional who can help you with this specific issue.
While your partner figures out their meds (and hopefully talks through the changes in your sex life together with a therapist of their own), ask yourself what it is you miss about sex with partner and find some new, creative ways to fulfill those needs. Do you miss feeling close to your partner? Plan some more intentional time together. Do you miss physical touch? Ask your partner to spend some time cuddling, giving each other massages or cutting each other’s hair. Do you miss orgasms? Carve out some alone time and space for masturbation. Do you miss feeling desired? Wear your favorite outfit or take some nudes just for you and appreciate how sexy you are. None of these practices can replace sex entirely, but they can fulfill some of your needs and help you feel closer to your sexual self and to your partner.
It sounds like this has been hard on you and hard on your partner, but they have to be willing to talk about what’s going on at some point. They shut down the conversation before, maybe because they weren’t ready, but they might be ready now. If you open up the conversation again, you can learn how to support each other through this, and you might even learn that there are some forms of sexual contact that would feel safe and fun for your partner right now despite their lessened libido (like making out mutual masturbation, telling you dirty stories while you masturbate, sexting, sending nudes, etc.).