Into the A+ Advice Box #29: Feeling Inexperienced While Dating in Your 40’s, and More!
Welcome to the 29th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
Q1:
Hello,
I am in my 40s and despite knowing I was gay/queer at a fairly young age, I have yet to date a woman! I haven’t been super-active in looking, but I do use dating apps and have been involved in various activities for queer women over the years (MeetUps, book group, game night, etc). Some of these things have led to dates, but things rarely go past two dates. The last person I met through an app just turned into a friend, which feels like kind of a success, but not quite what I wanted.
As time goes on, I get increasingly worried about how to explain my lack of experience to potential dates. I did have one mid-length relationship with a man, so I have a little bit of experience. But how do I present the fact that nothing has worked out yet with a woman (or non-binary person)?
My personal take is it’s a mix of just not clicking with that many people, being kind of shy and not that confident, not bold about flirting, not expecting people to like me … But I don’t know that all of that is helpful or positive to tell someone I’ve just met!
It feels like a catch-22 at this point: the very fact of not having queer relationship experience might make someone not want to date me, and makes it harder for me to get that experience! Any thoughts about how I can explain this or get out of this trap?
A:
Himani: I lived with this fear for a long time, but then I read A LOT of advice columns and essays about people who were single well into their adulthood. I think just seeing how many other people are in this situation can be incredibly relieving. One of the most reassuring things I read was a piece of advice that I’m fairly certain Danny Lavery gave to someone in his Dear Prudence column, but it was like four plus years ago and I’ll be hard pressed to try to find it now. Basically, what he said was that having prior relationship experience is kind of irrelevant because it’s not really going to tell you how to date the person at hand since the person at hand is a different person. (He said it much better than that, I wish I could find what he wrote.)
Ideally, someone you’re dating should understand that. If someone is asking you to “justify” your lack of relationship experience, that is a serious red flag, in my opinion. Beyond that, in my experience living with this fear, the topic doesn’t really come up when you’re just first starting to date people. It’s not like you’re showing up with a resume listing out your entire relationship history. In some ways, when I was very concerned about this, I found that I was using this fear as one more excuse for not trying to date because it felt like one more thing I just didn’t know. But, over time, I’ve realized it was a barrier I created for myself.
Malic: You don’t have to mention your lack of experience when you’re dating someone. And like Himani said, even if you had “experience,” most of it wouldn’t be relevant to the new person you’re dating because they’re the new person you’re dating. Sometimes “faking it til you make it” can boost your dating confidence, too. I’m not telling you to lie if the subject of dating experience comes up — I’m telling you to approach dating as if you’re a queer dating veteran. And if a question about past dating experiences happens to arise, just say you haven’t dated much and move on. If you don’t make it a big deal, then the person you’re dating probably won’t make it a big deal, either.
Kayla: Echoing Malic’s advice that you absolutely do not need to share your lack of experience with anyone. I feel like some version of that question comes up a lot in these advice letters, but I promise you, it’s truly not deceitful or anything like that to not disclose your full dating background upon just starting to see someone. You can bring it up on your own terms if you’d like to! But also like everyone is saying here, every relationship is different, so having experience with someone else does not directly translate to knowing exactly what you’re doing with a new person. Also, just because you don’t have romantic relationship experience does not necessarily mean that you have no experience at all when it comes to some of the most important parts of romantic relationships: expressing care, communicating, being vulnerable, etc. Those are all things that we learn/do in friendships, too. I think it could help boost your confidence a bit if you stop worrying about not having “enough” of a certain kind of experience. Platonic relationships can teach us a lot about what we want in a romantic relationship as well as our communication styles and other things like that. You’ve got this!
Q2:
Hello Autostraddle Team,
In December I broke things off with a short term girlfriend. There was no singular reason, more a general sense that things were off: I felt emotionally drained whenever I spent time with her, none of my friends liked her, all of her relationships were with people that were emotionally volatile (including her exs), she wasn’t particularly safe about covid and I’m at higher risk of complications.
Then recently she got in contact to talk things through and help her understand why I had broken things off. We met up for a long walk and talk and I went home with her to talk more. There, she started talking about some things that honestly really scared me: about self harm that she had engaged in during our relationship that I previously knew nothing about, about disturbing thoughts she has. And she told me, without any context, that I didn’t need to worry, she wasn’t going to hurt me.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and was triggered and scared, and I made the poor decision to sleep over that night (we didn’t have sex). In the morning I gave her a brief explanation that getting back together wasn’t going to work and was very clear that I was permanently breaking up, and grabbed my things and left. Two days later she got into my apartment building (which is locked) to leave a five page letter at my apartment door. The letter just says that we are such similar people and should be together, that she respects my decision, but would like to know more about why I decided to break up.
I’m a little freaked out. How would you recommend I do or don’t respond to this letter and any further attempts at contact she might make. I’m mostly trying to figure out how to do damage control and not hurt or shame her with the reasons things weren’t working. But I also am very clear that I don’t want to continue any kind of relationship. Grateful for any advice you might have.
A:
Malic: It sounds like this person needs some support around mental health, and ordinarily, I would encourage you to recommend some resources to her before you go your separate ways. But in this case, this person has said and done things that made you feel physically unsafe, so I’m encouraging you to just cut off contact with her. You don’t have to worry about unintentionally hurting her feelings. Her behavior is extremely alarming and violating. You already had a long talk with her about why the relationship ended, and you don’t owe her anything else, especially when she’s doing and saying things that rightfully scare you. Let her know that you need her to stop contacting you in a format that feels safe for you, like in an email or text. If she continues trying to contact you, don’t respond. Block her email address, her phone number and her social media accounts. Let your neighbors know what she looks like you’re worried about someone letting her into your building again. If you have mutual friends with her, let them know what’s going on.
Kayla: You do not owe her an explanation of why you broke up with her. Full stop. You already had one post-breakup conversation, and it resulted in her saying things that made you feel unsafe. I understand wanting to be empathetic and kind toward her, but I promise you, it is not unkind at all to set a very clear boundary here. You do not need to answer her letter. Honestly, I don’t think it matters HOW you would even answer the letter, because based on her actions I think she has already decided on the breakup narrative for herself. Over-processing a breakup can get really messy and then ultimately doesn’t do ANYONE any good. I agree with Malic that you should be rather deliberate about ending contact if things continue like this. Ultimately, you have to keep yourself safe.
Q3:
How do you plan for living your entire life alone? I’m in my 30s, single, never been in a serious relationship and no one has ever been in love with me. I very much want to have a long-term partner someday, but there’s been absolutely nothing in my life so far to indicate that that’s in the cards. I feel like I’m past the point of pep talks and dating advice, and wondering how do I plan for a life where this is my reality? I don’t want to be sad about it all the time, or to feel like I’m missing out, or to not do the things that I want to do just because I’m alone. In some ways it feels like giving up to be preparing for a future of solitude, but I also don’t want to spend all of my time waiting for something that may not happen. I’m generally good at being alone and feel like I have a rich and interesting life and good friends and a lot to look forward to. But I’m also deeply sad that there’s this thing that I want that I may never get and it’s largely out of my control. Am I doomed to loneliness and longing forever?
A:
Himani: Your letter floored me because I can so deeply relate to the question you’re asking. There are a few ways I approach this struggle that I’ll share in the hopes that any of this might be useful to you. First, the way I feel about it is very different day to day. Some days, I am in a place of real acceptance and actual gratitude for my solitary life. (There are some real benefits; I can be very particular about how I do certain things, and it’s a huge convenience to not have to interrogate which of those I care about most and then negotiate with another person over it.) Other days, the feeling is less acceptance and more resignation; on those days, trying to convince myself to “accept” the situation only serves to make me more upset. So the first thing is just acknowledging that maybe your feelings on this change from time to time, and that’s ok! Acknowledge the feelings you’re feeling in the moment without forcing those feelings to become ones that they simply aren’t in that moment. But I do think there’s a value in reminding yourself at times when you are feeling particularly lonely or sad or a sense of longing, that the feeling will probably pass, as it has before.
Now, maybe you can’t relate to this thing about your feelings about this fluctuating over time. So the second thing I recommend is simply living your life as you want to live it. A little over a year ago (pre-pandemic), I was feeling kind of down because I had always wanted to travel, but I didn’t want to go by myself and coordinating with friends wasn’t working and that was one of the things I felt really strongly the sense of “well it sucks to be single because now I’m stuck.” But the reality was that I wasn’t stuck, and in the end, I decided to go on the trip by myself. I had a strong feeling for much of the time that “oh well it would be less lonely if I had a travel partner,” or “this trip would be so much easier if I had a travel partner,” and all that was true. I acknowledged those feelings when they arose and moved on from them when they passed. I think it’s particularly hard to imagine life in this way because so many things are centered around partners, family and companionship, generally. But, to take another example, I have a coworker who decided that she wanted to be a mom even though she wasn’t in a relationship, and so she had a kid and is now a single mom. Is it hard as hell? I’m absolutely sure it is. But she’s figured it out, and she’s clearly a great mom. Don’t put things on hold for a partner who may never materialize (or, alternatively, who may show up one day and then leave some days later).
And finally, going ahead and doing these things and living your life does not mean that you are then “preparing for a future of solitude” or “doomed to loneliness and longing forever.” You can accomplish the things you want in your life and continue to date in the moments when you have the energy and motivation to do it and part of your dating will be finding the person who wants to build a life with you based on the foundation of the life you have already built for yourself. As you observe, you may not find that person, and that’s a hard thing to live with, so don’t force yourself to keep dating when you don’t feel like it because (for me at least) doing that just makes me even more frustrated and upset. Do it when you can truly approach it from a place of “well this is a fun game I will play for a little while,” and again, for me, that really varies day to day.
The feelings you’re describing are so real and so incredibly hard. So, so incredibly hard. I say everything above as if I’ve somehow mastered it, but I really haven’t. There are days where therapy is just truly a godsend because I am literally paying another person to sit in the loneliness with me, and sometimes that’s what I need. And the pandemic is making it worse because we’re stuck in our heads, cutoff from the relationships we’ve built for ourselves to fill some of that emptiness we feel — quite literally, alone. It is so, so incredibly painful to have something you want with all your heart and, as you said, you know that you don’t control whether or not you will ever achieve it. But somehow, we manage to build ourselves up from those places, even if we’re always living with a little bit of sadness. (Re-appropriating Eleanor Shellstrop there.) Trust that this is true for you, as well.
Q4:
Any tips for a monogamous person who is considering entering into a friends with benefits situation with a poly person? (post-pandemic, of course, but it’s nice to have something to look forward to).
A:
Carolyn: Don’t. You can also, I suppose, ask yourself the question, “How messy do I want to be?” and the subsequent question, “Could this be worth it?” and proceed according to the answers. Consider what monogamy means to you. Consider what poly means to that person. Consider what parameters you’d want around a friends with benefits situation, and what expectations you’d have, whether or not you want to have them. Consider how you might feel about their partners; how you might feel if or when they expand their polycule while you’re engaging with each other in that way; and consider your own relational skills, and history, and coping mechanisms, and familiarity with where feelings live in your body, and the practice you have in sitting with all of that. Could you successfully spend some time sleeping with a friend, and then successfully transition out of it and back to non-sexual friendship if circumstances shifted? Sure. Lots of people do that; it’s a great time. Can people with different relational styles have happy, respectful relationships of all types with each other? Yes. Communication and self-examination that good are rare and also definitely exist. But can it also potentially become infinitely messy when people with different relational approaches and skillsets get involved, especially in a relationship type without a clear definition? Yes. So again, how messy do you want to be?
Vanessa: First of all LOL Carolyn, I love you.
Now for a slightly different but also essentially similar approach: My main tip is to be very open and honest about what you’re doing and what your expectations are, and to continue checking in as time goes on! If you’re monogamous, my assumption is that you will want to eventually be in a monogamous relationship. If your friend (with benefits) is polyamorous, they will probably not want this. What that means, practically, is that there is going to be a natural end point to the scenario you two are embarking on, and while you both may feel happy and at peace with this, it may also bring up some challenges.
Logistically, a million things come to mind — here are a few questions to consider (I’m writing as though we are in the post-vaccination-safe-to-hang-out reality, because that’s when you stated this arrangement would begin): 1. What kind of friendship do you have now? Do you see each other often? Will you be hooking up every time you hang out? 2. Are you someone who is prone to developing romantic feelings for people you hook up with or will this remain strictly platonic? 3. Is your pal someone who is prone to developing romantic feelings for people when they hook up? 4. Are they currently dating other people? Do they have a partner or partners? How will these other connections make you feel? 5. Are you invested in dating right now? Will you be seeing other people? If one of those people wants to start seeing you exclusively, will you break things off with this pal? 6. When you eventually end the “with benefits” part, do you want to remain friends? Will you be able to?
…etc etc etc. In some ways, a friends with benefit situation means needing to check in and communicate well no matter what kind of dating style both people have, because by its nature you are embarking on a relationship that is not as cut and dry as “dating” and often actually shifts depending on each friends more “traditional” dating life. But because when one person is monog and the other person is polyam there are inherently different expectations around what “dating” can look like, you will need to be extra clear with yourselves and with each other about how to successfully hookup and remain friends. I don’t think it’s impossible, but I do think you should go in fully aware that it won’t necessarily all be fun and sex. That said, it totally COULD just be fun and sex — plenty of friends with benefits scenarios are chill and easy and either end naturally or go on for years and years, so don’t let anything I said turn you off! Or do! But whatever you do, communicate directly. God speed!
Drew: I second everything Vanessa said with the caveat that as someone who is very pro-FWB your question raised a flag for me. Theoretically, if this is just a FWB situation why does it matter that you’re monogamous and they’re polyamorous? I assume by monogamous you mean that you prefer your romantic relationships to be monogamous. But this isn’t going to be a romantic relationship, right? Obviously feelings get involved in any situation so pardon my limited language. But I think what I’m left wondering is what about this person being polyamorous has you worried? Because asking yourself that question might reveal some feelings that would be good to know going in.
This isn’t to discourage you! Again I’m very pro-FWB situations and have had some of my most positive sexual experiences that way. So I totally support you. I just think you should be honest with yourself about your feelings — because maybe that honesty will reveal that your feelings aren’t that complicated and you actually don’t need to worry about you and this person having different relationship styles and you can just have fun!
Q5:
Me and my gf are both 25, we’ve been together for 7 months. Things are going great, she is like the kindest person I’ve ever dated, very compatible personalities, and the sex is bomb. But I have this WILDLY irrational jealousy of this girl she was best friends with, and in love with, during her high school years. (Gf has said so, not just my speculating.) They’re still friends, but a few years ago, my gf moved across the country to start a new life, so they’re not like, around each other or whatever. But I look at this girl on social media apps, I look at her boyfriend on social media apps, I lay awake at night worrying about it even when my gf is sound asleep next to me, like tonight. What is wrong with me? How do I stop caring about someone she had a crush on 7 years ago? Why does this give me irrational anxiety? It’s not like my gf talks about this girl. She’s even reassured me about it before. Like more than once. Yet I see how often this girl likes my gf’s tweets and my lizard brain gets mad. I hate that I am like this. Is it because I like my current gf the most out of anyone I’ve dated and I’m somehow worried about losing her? Or?
A:
Carolyn: So what you’re experiencing is known as retroactive jealousy, or jealousy over a partner’s past. Lots of people can experience this, and it often comes from a place of insecurity. Sometimes, it can come from a belief that if a partner ever loved anyone more or different than they loved you, that it “means something” about your current relationship. Sometimes, it can come from an unrealistic and misguided desire to have a “perfect relationship,” which following the dominant romantic narratives often means a flawless first relationship with nothing that came before to sully it. Unsurprisingly, these narratives are a little dated, a little slut-shame-y, and a little fake. What will ruin your current relationship isn’t someone from your girlfriend’s past liking her tweets; it’s being consumed with jealousy over that instead of putting your phone away and being present with your girlfriend, who is in bed next to you. The past is the past. Be present with the present. Also, use the “mute” function to help you get there in the meantime.
Malic: I agree with everything Carolyn said! Also, a little reassurance goes a long way. If you find that you just can’t stop stewing on this, tell your girlfriend that you’re feeling insecure about this past crush and ask for some affirmation. Sometimes all we need to hear is, “You’re the one I want right now, and I’m so happy with you.”
Kayla: It does sound like you’re engaging in some lite self-sabotage, which sometimes is how people react to being in really good relationship situations, especially if past relationships ended badly. You said you’re afraid of losing your girlfriend, but like Carolyn said, this person from your girlfriend’s past does not pose a threat to your relationship at all. Your own actions do. And I know that on some level you know that! You possess the self-awareness to know that the behavior you’re engaging in is irrational, and that’s the first step toward undoing the behavior. So let’s get moving on the next steps then, because self-sabotage hurts everyone involved! Use the mute function. If you have the urge to check social media, redirect with a specific activity that uses a lot of focused thinking like reading, crossword puzzles, whatever it is that works for you. Be present with your girlfriend. She isn’t with this other person; she’s with you! So you need to be with her, too. If you find yourself thinking about hypotheticals, redirect by reminding yourself of FACTS (facts like the fact that your girlfriend is not dating this other person and never has). Listen, jealousy happens. Don’t be hard on yourself. But also make a really aggressive attempt to break this pattern so you can focus on your relationship instead of imagined obstacles.
Q6:
I’m having occasional puberty/sex/body discussions with my daughter. I don’t think there are any issues that we won’t get through just fine with time and patience and listening. But I’d appreciate advice from other queer humans specifically on how to discuss bras with her.
*I* wear a bra because it’s more comfortable. I don’t think that’s relevant to her yet. All the other reasons I can think of feel like patriarchal body-shaming. “You have to wear this to be decent!” “You’re starting to jiggle!” “Boys might see if you get a button!” (My mother’s term for an erect nipple, which I still remember 30 years later because it made it so clear this was too shameful to talk about.) “Men might think you want them to notice!”
_Are_ there reasons to wear a bra that aren’t patriarchal body-shaming, if you’re not physically uncomfortable? If there aren’t, I guess I should wait until she asks? What about warning her that other people may react badly – I suspect that will feel body-shaming to her, but if I say nothing then “wait until she asks” means “wait until someone else shames her” and I won’t have even warned her. Ugh. (She would be repulsed by “to feel sexy” or similar reasons – she’s not quite ten and still vehemently uninterested in sex.)
She’s cis as far as I know; she’s had several trans & NB friends and teachers and we talk about gender, so I think she’ll be able to tell me if she turns out not to be. She’s about as mentally healthy overall as you could expect a kid in isolation for nearly a year to be. Some anxiety and perfectionism, which makes me even more leery of Doing This Wrong. She’s just at home with us now, and I don’t fear bullying at her school whenever she’s able to go back. I don’t have to solve this problem right this second. But I hope y’all can give me any wise philosophical insights or ideas about what to do or not do.
–Happily Bi Mom Who Thinks Her Daughter Deserves Better Than Patriarchy, Don’t We All?
A:
Malic: As a person who grew up hearing inaccurate and shaming statements about bodies, I LOVE that you’re being so thoughtful about this conversation with your daughter! I’m not a parent, but here’s a little something about my own relationship to bras: I have small boobs and mostly don’t wear bras, but sometimes I do. When I make the choice to wear one, it’s because I’m either a) going for a run or b) thinking about my safety. If I’m with friends or if I’m at a queer dance party and you can see my nipples through my shirt or catch some sideboob if I’m wearing a tank top, I feel safe and sexy and free! But if I’m at the grocery store or walking somewhere by myself, I wear a sports bra if my shirt is especially revealing. I do this because I don’t want some nasty dude to catch a glimpse of my tit and say something gross or threatening. I hate doing it, but I have to stick with what makes me feel comfortable.
I think there’s a difference between shaming your daughter vs. being honest about the reality of living under patriarchy. If you tell your daughter, “You’re getting some boobs. Boobs are awesome. But some people in this world are really weird about boobs, and that’s not fair, etc.,” she can make her own choices around when and if she feels safer or more comfortable in a bra, and she’ll have a framework to understand any boob-related bullying or shaming that comes her way. Make it known that you support her no matter what she wants to do.
Q7:
Hi friends! Thanks in advance for your thoughts. My partner and I have been together for about five years now. When we started dating, we both identified as cisgender women. However, over the past few years, I’ve started to question and explore my gender identity and while I don’t have firmly figured out 100% where I identify, I believe I am no longer a cisgender woman.
One thing I wanted to try to explore my gender identity further is to use birth control to stop myself from menstruating. With a long-acting birth control method, I have been able to stop my periods from happening, which honestly made me feel great! And I’m still trying to figure out what that means. But… BC has had the side-effect of majorly killing my libido. We’re talking like, zero. Nothing. At all.
Tbh, I wasn’t super bothered by this, but of course, my partner really was. I tried to engage in sex but it felt… bad? I didn’t feel any arousal, which made it not enjoyable for me at all. It’s caused a significant amount of tension between us. I don’t want to go off the birth control, at least not yet, but I understand on her end that she needs to have her sexual needs met (and isn’t open to other partners).
Is it unfair of me to not engage in sex, even if it feels weird/bad right now? Is it unfair of her to ask me to stop my BC so my libido will come back? Just really not sure of the path forward here.
A:
Malic: If you are loving this birth control and don’t mind its impact on your libido, then by all means, stick with your birth control. It’s your body. Your partner does not get to make decisions around medication that you take for your physical and mental health. If you want to keep avoiding periods while getting your libido back, talk to your doctor about other birth control options or supplemental medication that can counteract your lack of sex drive.
In the meantime, here are some ideas for handling your sexual relationship with your partner. First, it’s not ok for anyone to pressure you into having sex, even if that person is a long-term lover, so if that’s happening, tell your partner to cut that shit out ASAP. Second, there might be ways that you can meet your partner’s sexual needs that are within your realm of comfort. And meeting those needs isn’t just something nice to do for your partner! Physical intimacy (whether that’s in the form of sex or something else) is a great way to feel close to our partners. I’m not sure what kind of sex you were having when you said it “felt bad,” but if it involved both giving and receiving pleasure, you can try: just giving (i.e. being a very sexy stone top), mutual masturbation, telling your partner an erotic story while they masturbate, or engaging in physical intimacy that doesn’t have to involve sex or genitals, like giving massages, cuddling, making out or BDSM. If you’re not comfortable with any of those things, that’s ok, too! Our libidos eb and flow over time. That’s a reality for any monogamous relationship.
Q8:
Hey, all! I’m looking for alternative ways to refer to a significant other. I’ve been using partner, but I hate how businessy it sounds and would love to hear if there’s anything else any of you have used. Sometimes people refer to us as girlfriends, and I don’t correct them, but I don’t exactly love how it genders me (been going through some gender stuff during quarantine, as one does). It’s also not precisely correct because I feel like it implies things about our relationship that aren’t true? I’m ace and we’re in an open queer-platonic/romantic longterm commitment thing. I don’t think there’s a common word for that! Or is there? Among my friends or other queer people, I can say she’s my QPP or explain exactly what our situation is, but how do I mention her on the work slack when people are talking about their spouses? At this point, I mostly just use her name and let people assume things, but most often if they haven’t seen how in love we act when we’re together they assume roommate or best friend, and I hate being gal-palled. I guess I’m just looking for some word that makes me sound gay but also that straight people won’t be confused by. Is partner the only viable option? Have any of you had success with anything else? Also, my ~person~ is likewise put off by the term partner, doesn’t want to use anything too gender-y for me, and doesn’t know how to distinguish me from her boyfriend in conversation without it always sounding like he’s her number one, destined for marriage person and I’m just her friend/roomie. I figure if anyone has suggestions or resources, it’s you all. Thanks for anything you have to offer. Love ya!
A:
Malic: Hello! I also absolutely loathe the word “partner!” In your message, you referred to this person as “my person,” and I love how that sounds. My girlfriend usually calls me her “person” or her “emergency contact” (which is both true and silly) to indicate that I’m an important human in her life without gendering me or using the dreaded “partner” word. There’s also “significant other,” which is a term I don’t myself, but you might find that it’s perfect for you!
Q9:
Apologies if this has already been asked before, but what is the best way to transition from messaging on a dating app (Lex, Hinge, etc) to actually texting or having a video chat? My usual move pre-covid was to message back and forth for a couple days, then suggest getting drinks somewhere but now meeting in person is almost impossible (or at least more difficult and requires significant logistics). I’m not someone who does well messaging, I really need to have that verbal conversation to see if there’s chemistry. I know people are interested in meeting, I just don’t know how to get there!
A:
Malic: Texting is a whole lot more convenient than using the chat feature in a dating app, so a simple, “Is it cool if we move this conversation to texting?” works if the conversation has really taken off. If you want more verbal interaction but don’t feel ready for an actual virtual or IRL date, ask the person if they’re down to send voice messages or exchange video messages on Marco Polo (which is an app that works like texting, but you send videos).
Kayla: There’s no precise timeline or rule for moving things over to text, and when I was using dating apps, I usually did it pretty quickly, because it is absolutely true that the messaging component of dating apps usually suck. Say something as simple as “hey here’s my number if you want to keep talking over text.” They’ll text if they indeed do want to keep the conversation going! As for moving things to a video chat, when I first started seeing my girlfriend (we met on Twitter lol) we would do virtual happy hours over FaceTime after work. You could also do something like afternoon tea over FaceTime or “go on a walk” together via FaceTime. Not everyone will necessarily be comfortable with video hangs right away, but some people will be! If that’s what you know you need for chemistry, then you don’t need to feel like you need to spend a lot of time texting before bringing it up. Everyone has different communication preferences, and if you express your own needs it’ll make you more likely to be able to find someone with similar/compatible ones!
Q10:
So, I think about gender CONSTANTLY, and I’m genuinely so bored with myself. For many years, I thought, “Wow, okay, no cis person thinks about this as much as I do. I must be non-binary.” Growing up, being a girl never came naturally to me. I was always studying girls and thinking that they all knew something I didn’t know, so it made sense.
Well, now I’m out as non-binary, and I feel… the same. It hasn’t brought me any relief from this neverending thought spiral. People talk about dysphoria and euphoria, and I genuinely don’t know if I’ve ever experienced either? There is a LOT about my body that makes me really unhappy… I get agonizing period cramps and IBS flares and chronic achiness. But other than the cramps, none of these feelings are related to my experience of being AFAB. Since my teen years, I’ve struggled with feeling SEXUALIZED against my will, but I don’t think that’s in any way uncommon. Other than that, I have no feelings at all about my chest or my vag. I like boobs on other people. I don’t love mine. I don’t hate them. I don’t get a lot of sensation in them, so I neither enjoy nor loathe when partners want to touch them. And I’ve tried binding, and I find it, like, interesting? to see my chest flat? But it’s not euphoric. It feels like I’m putting on a costume, just like how I feel when I wear super femme-y clothes. I haven’t found a single way of presenting that makes me feel euphoric. Also, it doesn’t bother me when people use “she/her” unless I’ve specifically told them to use “they/them,” in which case it feels like they’re not making an effort… but that’s what bothers me, not the actual pronouns. I don’t even know if they/them feels better. They’re both just sets of words.
I guess what I want is to exist in a world without bodies. I want to just be my personality and intelligence and sense of humor—every aspect of me that isn’t tied to the physical world. I even like phone sex better than in-person sex because it allows me to dissociate more and concentrate on sensation, not on how other people are viewing my body. Does that make sense?
But I can’t just be a containerless spirit. I’m supposed to know how I want to be seen in the world. And that’s the part that I just keep circling around and around and around. If I feel nothing about my body and it doesn’t bother me when people use “she/her,” then… am I cis? Is this just how cis women think and feel in a world that often sexualizes them against their will and confines them to specific, limiting roles? Or if I am non-binary, is it normal to not feel any better after coming out? Is it normal to want to dissociate from the physical world completely?
I guess there are two parts to this letter. First, I’m wondering if there are even answers to the questions I’m asking. Second, if there are no answers, then how do I stop asking the questions constantly? Seriously, it’s almost all that I think about, and I’m sick of the unending hum of GENDER? in my brain.
A:
Malic: I strongly relate to parts of this question. I don’t feel particularly attached to any gender identity words or even pronouns. I’ve mostly let go of words because A) they felt confining and B) they weren’t changing anything about how I feel within myself. And how I feel within myself is…fine. I don’t experience gender dysphoria. I don’t experience gender euphoria. The only times when I feel not fine with my gender are when I’m affected by oppressive people or systems, like when I experience misogyny because I’m being perceived as a woman or when I experience transphobia because I’m being perceived as a trans person or when I experience another person’s confusion and profuse apologies when they say, “Have a good day, sir! Ma’am! What are you?” I don’t feel fine about gender when I’m shopping for clothes in the men’s section (because that’s what I like) and can’t find anything that will fit my 5’2″ frame or when someone asks when I’m having kids.
These days, I only use gender words to describe my experiences in the world. “They/them” pronouns honor my experience as someone with a complicated gender history, so that’s what I ask for, even though I don’t mind others. “Non-binary” describes my general [insert shrug emoji] feelings about my own identity. “Dyke” describes my relationship to the queer community.
It sounds like your gender questions are causing you a lot of stress, so it might make sense to let go the “what is my internal gender identity?” question and start asking “what experience am I having with my gender in this moment/context/relationship?” instead. That’s a question that will always have an answer, so you won’t have to stew on it until the end of time.
Himani: That last question from Malic I think is a really incredible framing. Sometimes I find labels to be really confining and that’s what comes to mind to me when I read what you’ve written. Maybe, instead of thinking about this from a place of “well cis women are like this and they dress like this and non-binary people are like this and they dress like this,” experiment from the place of simply, what feels comfortable. What clothes feel effortless to wear? (For me, this is jeans and a tee-shirt and a pair of sneakers, hands down. For others, it’s sweats or pajamas. Just start at the base level of physical comfort.) And then, from there build up to the harder part, which is making some peace with your body? I have struggled with a lot of chronic physical issues, and I went through a long period of really hating the body that I have for a lot of those reasons. But the thing is, our bodies and spirits really aren’t separate entities. Our body is part of our experience which makes us who we are. The pandemic makes this hard, but maybe try to start working on things to make your body more pleasant for you to live in — talk to a GYN about the cramps and see if they have anything to offer you that helps with that. Talk to the appropriate healthcare providers for the other sources of achiness and the IBS (although that’s hard because my understanding is there isn’t really much in the way of treatment for that, but maybe talking to a nutritionist can be useful because they can help you identify which foods are causing you discomfort). I know that’s all tied to insurance and can be expensive, so do what you can afford and look up trusted online resources (ie May Clinic, CDC, etc.) for the rest.
Q11
My partner of a few years and I often get into a situation where they are trying to flirt with me, and I’m not in that headspace. When we first started dating, I would feel panicked most times they came onto me and I wasn’t really turned on. For a lot of my life I would just go along with whatever the other person wanted without regard to my own desires, and it was deeply traumatic. I’ve started working through that with a therapist, and these days I’m trying really hard to connect with my needs and wants — staying open to the possibility of getting turned on while also saying no when I’m actually not interested. Even so, my anxiety which arises can manifest as shutting them down in a way that leaves them feeling uncared for. We’ve talked all of this through, so they understand where I’m coming from, but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts them every time it comes up. How do you decline the advances of someone you love without hurting their feelings?
A:
Malic: First of all, I hope you’re proud of yourself for putting in the work around boundaries! While you’re setting and maintaining those boundaries, there are kind and affirming ways to turn someone down. Things like “I love having sex with you, but I’m not feeling it right now” or “I’m tired, but I would love to go down on you in the morning” show your partner that you think they’re super sexy while still communicating that your body isn’t down for a roll in the sheets right now. Including more words of affirmation around sex/ sexiness in your relationship can be helpful, too (things like “Ugh, you’re such a dreamboat,” “I love your thighs,” “I really like how you kiss me,” etc.). If your partner generally feels desired by you, they’re less likely to feel hurt if you’re not desiring them in a specific moment.
Q12:
I have a jealousy related dilemma. My partner and I have a friend in common (let’s call her Ella). Ella is great, we vibe one-on-one, and I enjoy her company. Lately I have suspected, based on a variety of factors that could also probably be read as super enthusiastic and devoted friendship, that Ella has a crush on my partner (which, same!). Normally that wouldn’t necessarily make me jealous, but when the three of us hang out, I find myself feeling left out of conversations that revolve around interests I don’t share, or just at a much higher energy level than I’m usually at. This, combined with the crush I suspect Ella has on my partner, brings up my own insecurities. I know that I don’t need to exactly match my partner and that it’s GREAT that she can get various needs met from friends, but it’s harder for me to internalize that when I feel like there’s a direct comparison happening, even if that’s not really what’s going on. I am sure that neither of them means to make me feel bad or left out, and all of this makes me feel a little crazy. I sometimes feel like I should just encourage them to hang out one on one without me (which they do sometimes), but I’m sure my partner and/or Ella would realize something is off. I also worry about making my partner feel bad hanging out with Ella or self-conscious about getting excited and high energy around her, which I also don’t want. Ahh!! How to express my feelings to my partner without being controlling, or how to make myself feel better about this situation without involving my partner??
A:
Malic: You’re right that your partner should be getting her needs met by a variety of people, not just you, and it sounds like this friendship is serving that purpose. It sounds like you’re doing a LOT of emotional work around this conversation that you may or may not have with your partner, but you need to worry about being controlling if you’re just asking for reassurance (which is what you seem to need). If you said, “I don’t want you to hang out with Ella anymore,” that would be controlling, but if you said, “I’m feeling self-conscious around you friendship with Ella. Could please reassure me that you want to be dating me even though I’m not interested in [whatever Ella is interested in]?” — that’s totally ok! If you still can’t get out of your head and need to take a break from these group hang outs for a while, that’s something you can ask for, too.
Q13:
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We met and dated in person for about five months and are now in a long distance relationship. My basic question is this: my girlfriend tries to talk me into breaking up with her a couple times a month. Is this normal, and how can I hold space for her to question whether our relationship is a good idea without sending me into a pre-breakup anxiety spiral every time?
For context, my girlfriend – let’s call her Max – is in a really overwhelming life situation right now. She shares a two-bedroom apartment with her brother and his girlfriend and two dogs, and she’s not out to them (we would always hang out at my place when we lived in the same city). Of course, the three of them all working from home has only made that more stressful. Max also works a very demanding job in education that often leaves her feeling drained. And she’s looking for a new job in the city where I now live so she can be closer to me, and with the pandemic job market, that’s been stressful too. Max was also married to a man previously. When we met, she had recently separated from her ex-husband due to his addiction and abusive behavior. Max has told me that towards the end of that relationship, when things got really bad, she used to contemplate whether she should end her relationship with him – which makes sense. However, this is a pattern which is reappearing in our relationship, and it’s really stressing me out.
Max and I have a great relationship. We stay very connected even over the distance, we love each other and enjoy each other’s company, we inspire each other in our academic and artistic pursuits, and we have some common interests and some things we like to do on our own. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before, and I really feel happy with her.
However, when Max feels depressed, stressed, or overwhelmed – which, as I outlined above, happens a lot for her right now – she starts to say things like “I’m just not good for you,” “I think you should break up with me,” or “maybe we shouldn’t do this.” It’s very stressful and confusing for me to hear these things, especially because – reliably – as soon as Max calms down, she apologizes and says she wants to be with me and I’m the best partner she’s ever had. This happens two or three times a month, often in the space of a single week.
My therapist’s advice was that I tell Max how I feel when she says we should break up and then we don’t, and request that Max only talk about breaking up if she’s actually intending to break up with me. However, when I explained this to Max, her response was that I just wanted her to say things I want to hear. Now, I’m trying to set a boundary – I don’t want her to tell me what I should do (e.g. that I should break up with her), and I don’t want her to bring up such a big decision if the actual issue is much smaller (e.g. she’s stressed about work). But is she right? Do I only want her to tell me what I want to hear? Is it normal to seriously discuss breaking up several times a month? How can I love and support Max in this overwhelming time in her life, respecting the fact that she is healing from an abusive relationship where she really did have to think about breaking up often, while holding firm on my own boundary that I don’t want to be told we should break up so much?
A:
Himani:Max dealing with her difficult housing situation, being stressed out at work or coping with her abuse is no reason for her to completely trample over your feelings. I think her response to your therapist’s suggestion (which I think is completely reasonable and honestly what I would have suggested if it hadn’t come up already) is, in my opinion, incredibly unreasonable and kind of manipulative? You’re not saying that you only want her to say things you want to hear. You’re asking for some consideration for your feelings. I don’t know if this has come up yet, but is Max in therapy? Because it sounds like that might be a good idea for her, if she’s not. I get that might be further complicated by her living situation under COVID, but it sounds like she’s incredibly stressed and taking that stress out on you/your relationship.
And finally, I just can’t not say this (though I say this knowing it’s so much easier to say this when you’re on the outside of these situations): Is this relationship really “great”? It sounds like you have a pretty stressful recurring pattern and that your partner is not coping with her trauma from her previous relationship very well and all of this is affecting you and your relationship. I won’t say what is or is not normal in a relationship, but I would encourage you to spend some time considering how these up and down swings make you feel. It may be that if she moves out of her living situation and gets a less stressful job that all of this will go away. But you don’t actually know that for a fact, right? Also, can you wait that long, given how indefinite that is? And I do think, if we’re talking about long-term partners, an important consideration is how you both cope with stress, because stress is inevitable in life. Her coping method is hurting you, and she either doesn’t seem to realize the extent of that or she doesn’t care. Everyone has their faults and people change, but you can’t hold out hope for that. You have to see a person being willing to change and taking steps towards it, and part of that is hearing you when you say, “Your talking about breaking up several times a month but not really meaning it upsets me, can we only talk about this when you actually intend to break up with me?” Her response to that, I think, speaks volumes and may be something for you to think about for a while.
Malic: Nope, your girlfriend’s behavior is not normal and it’s not ok. I agree with Himani — it sounds like your girlfriend has experienced a lot of trauma, but she needs to take steps towards managing that trauma so that A) she can feel more secure and B) her behavior stops hurting you. Like Himani said, her response to the boundary that your therapist’s suggested sounds unreasonable and selfish. To me, that indicates that your girlfriend might not be ready to work through her past experiences, or she might not be able to do that in the context of a relationship.
You said that your relationship is otherwise “great,” but dealing with a breakup threat multiple times a month sounds exhausting. You said that this is your first serious relationship, and I want you to know that healthy relationships are not like this. In healthy relationships, our partners make mistakes, but they reflect on those mistakes with self-awareness and interrupt harmful patterns before they drag on. If you don’t feel like your girlfriend is willing to work on herself and work with you, then it’s time to move on from this relationship, or at least take a break from it.