A Lesbian Etiquette Guide to Stealing Rural Farms

It’s been an exciting couple of weeks for Autostraddle, and not just because we’ve gotten to continue our celebration of the Bisexual Takeover of 2016. The anticipation of which pop star is coming out next has been reason enough to get us out of bed in the morning, but we’ve also been blessed by Obama’s vetting of the Lesbian Takeover of America’s Rural Southern Farms (Article Nine, Section Two of The Gay Agenda).

And it’s not just us who can’t get enough of this news! The mainstream media has gotten a hold of it and some people are so excited that they’re literally screaming about it on the radio! Have you ever cared about anything so much that you’ve screamed into a microphone about it, every syllable being amplified, no – empowered? I want you to really think about that.

Truthfully, though, this is not what I saw being chosen for The Gay Agenda’s next phase of implementation. I was hoping if anything was going to be vetted by POTUS it was going to be the Lesbian Takeover of America’s Got Talent (Article Twelve, Section One of The Gay Agenda) because I think it’s fair to estimate three billion people watch it and quite frankly I’d love to be a judge, but it’s important to remember that rural farms are the heart of America and therefore their destruction is the most strategic, if boring, choice.

So, what does this mean for us? Now that everything’s been made public, the roll out on this is going to be quick. Things are going to get complicated and you’re going to have questions! What rural town from which you’ll steal land is best for you? Should you diversify and steal from multiple areas? Should you stake claim on your new land by driving a dildo into the ground?

Then there’s the culture difference. Not to mention the circumstances surrounding your acquaintance! There’s a lot to consider here and you’re probably thinking there’s just no way there’s precedence for something like this. And guess what? You’re wrong. I’ve been stealing rural southern farms as a lesbian for years. Here’s everything I’ve learned about the etiquette of it.

Write Them A ‘Thank You’ Note

If you remember nothing else today remember this: the thank you note in a rural southern setting is as imperative as central AC. It’s also your most invaluable power move.

Now technically because you’ve stolen this farm it’s not something your neighbors have necessarily given you, but still, aren’t you grateful to have it? There’s no way this can come off as pouring salt in the wounds, so get elaborate with it! “Hey y’all, thank you sooooooooooooooooooo much for this wonderful gift! We can’t wait to see where this ‘grows” with you!’ and then maybe a bunch of cry-laughing emojis.

Give Them A Copy of You’ve Got Mail

In this scenario we’re essentially the Fox Books to their Shop Around the Corner. This will be a playful suggestion of where things can progress from a state of tension if you just give it time and communicate via calculated omissions about your true self and intentions. Maybe like in the movie you’ll even get to a point where you share a dog together, as is custom in your culture.

Bring Them A Baked Good, You Asshole!

Bringing a baked good to a new neighbor is usually the responsibility of the established residents, but in this case you sort of owe them for forcibly removing their old neighbors. Bake your pie, tart or turnover with ingredients from your newly stolen farm!

Never Talk Money

Specifically, how much you’re going to make from your newly stolen farm.

Throw Your All White Party Between Easter and Labor Day

As is custom in lesbian tradition, we honor those people who have gone before us. To Dinah Shore’s All White Party. Still, that’s no reason to be untimely (read: tacky) about it.

Walk Curbside of the Women You’re Recruiting

There was a time when lesbians could take straight women on recruitment walks without the inconveniences or dangers of road traffic. Just free floating down a path together as plans for the recruitment cookout were set in place. Now it’s custom that when we take these walks with potential draftees we remain curbside to protect their vulnerable state.

Talk in Euphemisms

Around company it’s best to talk about harsh or private realities by cushioning them with softened language. After all, disassociating has been a part of southern rural life since the War of Northern Aggression! Sometimes something as simple as a woman being pregnant is too rooted in realism and she instead becomes a woman that is “expecting.” So: when referencing your lesbian bed death, explain that your lesbian bed has “passed” rather than “died.”

Draw Your Blinds When Brushing Your Gal Pal’s Hair

Brushing our lesbian partner’s hair as a means of intimacy is a thing we all do at night. Except now you’ll have to do it with your blinds drawn, because in the rural south it’s considered uncouth for a lady to be seen grooming in public. Herself or others! This one’s a bit old school, but so are you now.