83rd Annual Academy Awards Oscar Liveblog/Open Thread of Champions

Autostraddle is kind of like a possessive girlfriend in that we’re basically only liveblogging this because we don’t want you to go read some other website’s liveblog and then come home smelling like Portia.

The Oscar Awards are an annual ceremony where rich white people wear expensive clothing and hand each other giant gold statues in honor of who best allocated ten million dollars into the production of a film that year. They are named after my dog, Oscar, who I wanted to name Sparky.

You should vote for your favorite films over in our own special Autostraddle version of the Oscars — The Awskers. Okay let’s begin.

via suicideblonde.tumblr.com

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i have no idea why this woman is hosting the oscars but i'm happy that a woman is hosting the oscars

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4:00 PM PST: Who is this woman? She is on the red carpet. I looked her up. Her name is Robyn Murray. She is a veteran. She writes things on the internet and does spoken word poetry. Are we at the wrong event. I think she’s supposed to be here having Chex Mix with us and letting us touch her tattoos, instead she is at that Anne Hathaway thing, does anyone know why:

Sgt. Robyn Murray

4:30 PM PST: Slight delay to talk with bcw’s roommates about how I got hit by a car on Friday. Good story, I’ll tell you about it sometime.

I want to discuss the PS 22 Chorus situation but can’t think of any jokes to make about it because it warmed my heart for real.

If swans came in “lilac,” they would look like Mila Kunis:

You guys look it’s Joey’s roommate from Dawson’s Creek. She’s stolen all of Joey’s cardigans and stuffed them up her skirt!

4:35 PM: HAHAHAHA ISN’T IT SO FUNNY HOW ACTRESSES DON’T EAT SO THEY CAN FIT INTO THEIR SILLY DRESSES! HAHAHAHAH! BRING FIG NEWTONS IN YOUR PURSE!

4:38 PM PST: This is Mother Ginger from The Nutcracker. She designed most of this year’s Red Carpet fashions:

4:48 PM:

bcw/marni: “I’ve been doing Oscars-themed crosswords all day, including one that required plays-on-words for every Best Picture nominee including The King’s PEACH and BLACKENED Swan.”

4:52 PM: Superlative abuse is running rampant on this red carpet.

Judge away:

5:00 PM:

I had no idea that James Franco was co-hosting. I no longer have to pretend to be excited about this show. Halle Berry is also rocking the Powerpuff:

5:03 PM:

Natalie Portman being pregnant: depressing for those of us who anticipated our own romantic liaisons with N-Po. Exciting for lovers of breasts. Her on-screen demeanor suggests: “I’m nauseous, I have a yeast infection, and I wish I was at home wearing sweatpants.”

5:05 PM:

Gwyneth Paltrow has arrived from Planet Xenu, flatiron intact –

That might not even be her, it might just be a hologram.

5:10 PM:

“Justin you don’t know this, but we have been tracking your path since you arrived on this red carpet,” says Tim Gunn. With breadcrumbs, I’m guessing.

5:15 pm:

“This is my first nomination while being married to Keith, so it’s special,” says Nicole Kidman. That’s code for “This is my first nomination not being married to a psychotic homosexual who’s in a billion-year contract with an alien cult.”

5:20 pm:

If Christian Bale wins, everyone knows it will really be an overdue Oscar for this epic performance:

5:40 pm:

This sort of feels like those two super-smart drama kids from fourth grade somehow won a reading contest and now are hosting The Oscars. I want to hold them and laugh at their jokes, but I also don’t want to encourage them.

And then they introduced their Moms. I swear you can’t make this stuff up.

5:45 pm:

“It’s been a great year for lesbians, not just in general but also in film,” says Anne Hathaway. This is relative, of course, to all of human history, which thus far had amounted to a steaming pile of dead Jenny.

*Alice in Wonderland wins for Best Art Direction!*

*Inception just won for something visual I believe. A guy named Willy Fister.*

5:56 PM:

This is just weird for me, I’m sorry. I said it.

5:58 PM:

Melissa Leo is having an orgasm on stage!

Melissa Leo wins Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter.

I feel like I’m at someone else’s Thanksgiving.

6:02 PM:

Is everyone on screen drunk? Or am I not drunk enough?

6:07 PM:

Let’s get this show on the road and get some smooth operators up here, right? How about Production Designers and Animators and shit? Yeah? I bet those guys will help pick up the pace!

*Toy Story wins for Best Animated Film!*

6:13 PM

I am still mad at Josh Brolin for killing Harvey Milk. You know?

On another note? I can’t believe that I don’t have a job but somebody got paid probably more than I’ll make all year to write the ‘jokes’ for this show.

6:15

AARON SORKIN WINS FOR THE WEST WING i mean FOR THE SOCIAL NETWORK!

*Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network) wins for Best Adapted Screenplay*

Sorkin calls back to Network. Someone is drumming downstairs and I’m mad as hell and probably can’t take it anymore.

6:18 pm

*David Seidler (The King’s Speech) wins for Best Screenplay*

Seidler makes some AARP jokes, the crowd is surprisingly receptive.

6:25 pm

Anne Hathaway is singing in a suit. In other words, if you watch this little bit on mute, it will be the best fashion magazine you’ve ever read. And then here comes James Franco in a dress. I’m going to let everyone else decide how this will impact THE FUTURE OF DRAG.

6:30 pm

IF I WANTED TO FEEL LIKE THIS I WOULD BE AT MOCK TRIAL. Here’s a word from kate Moennig, who as we all know is living in poverty which is why she is so skinny and Mrs. Carmen wants to feed her a sandwich.

6:35 PM:

Christian Bale and his facial hair win for NEWSIES!

*Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor for The Fighter*

He is using a strange accent and has somebody else’s beard on his face. I hate it when that happens.

6:40 PM:

me: what did nicole kidman win an oscar for?
marni: i don’t know — i think the hours?
me: oh yeah, that was a great movie.
marni: or maybe it was the one about virginia woolf?
me: that is the hours.
marni: oh i was thinking of the others!
asha: ME TOO

Best Original Score. The suspense never ends really. It’s like the Indiana Jones liveaction show at Universal Studios.

[Re: the director of Social Network, David Fincher]

6:50

If I had to spend the rest of my life watching Newsies‘ dance/music scenes, I would be happier than anyone who’s gonna win for Sound Editing tonight.

6:56 PM

Have they always given out this many technical awards at The Oscars? Or are we all just cogs in the machine, mindlessly watching year after year despite any memories of being entertained in years past?

7:00 PM

The guy in the music montage said “My Dad was going through heart surgery…” and Asha cracked up laughing.

me: i feel like randy newman is there every year.
marni:he actually doesn’t leave the theater, he just stays there year round.
asha: i would never get rid of my bunny.

7:05 PM

I’m so glad I live on the West Coast so that my ENTIRE night hasn’t been ruined.

7:18 PM

That YouTube viral video autotuned montage was the highlight of the awards so far?

7:20 PM

Is Oprah the only person present who knows how to address a crowd? Could she maybe give lessons to everyone else backstage?

7:22 PM

THANK YOU FOR KEEPING IT REAL, INSIDE JOB.

7:27 PM:
They’ve kept Billy Crystal on hand just in case anything goes wrong, thank Jesus.

Oh look what I found! This is James Franco getting ready backstage:

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7:40 PM

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7:41 PM

Leave it to the young ones to make a mockery of the mockery known as “The Academy Awards Script”

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7: 42 PM

Thank you someone has brought out Florence Welch, an ambassador from the land of “Skill and Ease”

OH GUESS WHO CALLED IT?

8:01 PM

Hillary Swank, you’ll always be Brandon Teena to me.

8: 13 PM

I’m not saying this to be a bitch, but how can you win if you don’t have real facial expressions.

8:16 PM

Natalie Portman wins for Black Swan. But also, really I feel, for Closer. She just said “this is INSANE” which is ableist.

8:20 PM

I have to level with you: I have stopped caring.

Facebook jokes are not funny.

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8:25 PM

Honestly still though the best part of the evening is James Franco. Just for being there. And being James Franco.

*Colin Firth – Best Actor – The King’s Speech*

8:30 PM

You guys The King’s Speech looks really boring, am I the only one who notices this?

8:35 PM

I have my money on The Social Network.

Okay The King’s Speech won. I thought the film of the year was supposed to speak to the people. Symbolically, not literally. I just turned off the teevee and now everyone is yelling at each other.

Raise your hand if The Kings Speech changed your life. That’s right. I bet I could learn to fly in this room.

8:40 PM

These children are exhausted! They fell asleep when the words “Colin Firth” were first uttered. Anyhow they’re going to save the show probs.

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3238 articles for us.

176 Comments

  1. OMG, you listed the under-rated and gorgeous Busy Phillips insanely beautiful dress, love it!!!

    Thanks ladies!
    XO,
    Bambi Weavil
    Founder of Out Impact, Inc.
    OutImpact.com – Making a positive impact in the gay community. Make yours.

      • Robynn Murray and director Sara Nesson spoke at DocuDay LA yesterday on the film Poster Girl and it was pretty inspiring. AS should totally hit up Murray because she has an incredible life story struggling with PTSD after returning from Iraq and is open to sharing. She’s also a gay lady (she mentioned having “a partner”) and has a wonderfully outgoing and likable personality (http://robynnmurray.com/). Nesson chronicles Murray’s return from Iraq and how war shattered her spirit. Poster Girl should be released on HBO docs soon and, in my opinion, is a must-see.

    • i just watched the trailer for Poster Girl with Sgt. Robynn Murray and omg…this is what should win awards.

      …and hugs. she should get as many hugs as she wants for always. #newrule

  5. Autostraddle is the only live blog worth following, hands down.

    B) My dog’s name is Sparky, he’s a bit a.d.d. but it suits him.

  12. Is Melissa Leo going to pass out? She looks like she’s going to pass out. Someone get the smelling salts ready.

  14. Okay… That was super awkward. But also awesome because Melissa Leo said fucking and they had to bleep it out.

  16. Does anyone else feel like they are facing their rapist when they see Justin Timberlake? He just feels dirty to me….

    • If I was playing that game, I’d already be in the hospital. Spot on. I’m just waiting for the Corey Haim “death montage”.

  22. For about 2 seconds I was sad because I decided I wanted to watch the oscars (even though I don’t actually care but it seemed like a great way to not do things I should be doing) but then I realized I didn’t own a tv, but then I remembered the internet brought me Autostraddle, so thank you for making me happy and irresponsible.

  23. Does anyone else get SUPER uncomfortable when they start playing music and the person keeps talking and talking? I seriously need some xanax up in this ish.

    • Yes! I also feel really awkward when people start stumbling all over their speeches. The worst.

    • i felt more awkward when i didn’t hear music during melissa leo’s speech.

      P.S. DOESN’T ANYONE REALIZE THEY DON’T HAVE TO BEND OVER TO TALK IN THE MIC? /rant

  27. I often feel the way james franco looked when having to wear a dress. I’ll always opt for Anne’s tux minus the shiny heels.

  31. Anne Hatheway just put on a suit. I perked up. My mom noticed. She did not comment. But I saw her notice.

  32. I am sooo happy about Denmark winning :)
    Susanne Bier is such a talented director.
    Plus great actors.
    Hurra til min elskede dejlige Danmark!

  33. christian bale is actually english! somehow did not know that but it explains his weird speaking mouth usually

    • I’m suprised that people don’t know that Christian Bale is not American. I thought everybody knew. I think it’s that his accent isn’t particulary thick and he’s been acting in American movies for so many years that people forget. Kind of like how people sometimes forget that Mel Gibson is Australian.

        • Yes. He started acting in American films in the early 80’s but if you watch some of his earlier films like The Mad Max movies and Gallipoli you can still here his accent.

          • People also dont realise that Pierce Brosnan is Irish. I dislike how lots of actors change their accents to fit in, like Charlize Theron, who is South African but you wouldnt realise that just by listening to her. Which is a shame because the SA accent is great, and super hot!

  36. I got all excited when the Star Wars music played, leading me to throw my hands up in the air and shout, “Star Wars!” like the total fangirl that I am. I have a feeling that will be the highlight of the evening for me.

  38. Cate Blanchett’s dress reminds me of those sandwich signs people wear to advertise sketchy restaurants.

  39. I don’t know where it’s coming from but I’m starting to develop a crush on Helena Bonham Carter………………

  48. I am now in a love-hate relationship with autotune. It makes mediocre singers sound good, but it also produced the “he doesn’t own a shirt” song.

    • And the Bed Intruder Song!! That wa the autotune turnaround point for me, like a really shallow version of Twitter and the uprising in Tehran.

  50. I just got irrationally mad at my tv when “exit through the gift shop” didn’t win for best documentary. that movie spoke to me!

    • That’s kind of like how I wanted the score of “Tron: Legacy” nominated so when the audience cams show the nominees you’d see two guys in helmets (Daft Punk). I wonder what they would do if they had to give a speech.

    • Remember that ass shake she did to demonstrate the weird dangly things on her dress. Remember it well.

  55. I feel like Billy Crystal has more funny in his little finger than Anne Hathaway and James Franco do put together.

  56. I feel like that was Kate Moennig’s subtle way of telling the lesbians that she has a gig and we need to keep an eye out. (well played shane)

    and why no love for trent reznor? i keep checking and nothing, what did he ever do to you guys? i thought at least a handful of autostraddlers would have had their weepy, angsty, self-loathing early years(or maybe current ones) soundtracked by the man.

    • we talked about him in the other movie liveblog. i think it was the golden globes. dude, NIN was the soundtrack to my pre-adolescent misery of death, howevs, i think that may have been the part of the show when dinner was ready

  59. Oh hai there, Jennifer. You look hot. Oh hai there, Florence. You look hot. This song is terrible.

  63. I used to be excited to watch the oscars so late on school nights. now i feel begrudgingly obligated to when i have fucking work in the am

  67. Ok did anyone else feel really weird about Trent Reznor winning an Oscar… I mean, I was into it, but then I felt weird and old and like I would always now feel different about pretty hate machine?

  68. this oscars has been so queer positive, in so many epic ways, that my mom had to stop watching with me. just saying.

    • MANLOVE UPDATE
      Colin Firth: “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some impulses I have to tend to backstage.”

  70. UGGGGGH, can’t black swan win something so I can just get one last glance at preggo n-po. Also, Anne has really pretty skin and I just want to spoon her for 5 hours and calm her down.

  84. I just noticed this, but I find the URL of this page very amusing: 83rd-annual-oscars-shtshow-liveblog

  85. I’m getting tired of hearing Anne “WOO!” in the background after they introduce someone. It’s not a pep rally. Or a concert.

  88. I’m glad The King’s Speech won because I am slightly obsessed with movies about the British monarchy. And it starred Mr. Darcy.

    aww they’ve brought out some kids to sing. How cute. But random.

  89. So my poor grandmother had to listen to me rant about the how “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” was NOT included in the “Music of the Movies” bit, right? Right. Well she just called me to make sure I was watching the end. She’s downstairs, mind you – yet she still called me on my cell…oh grandma.

  90. One of the last sentences of the night was “I want to thank my boyfriend who helps me every day” spoken by a man. Gay things!! What a good way to end the night.

    Also did anyone else notice Liz Feldman in the credits??? I expect more from her haha

  91. The Social Network should have been called Pretty Rich White Guys With Problems. Definitely not a movie that spoke to me or changed my life. Try harder next year, Hollywood.

  93. Your commentary is so good. But this “On another note? I can’t believe that I don’t have a job but somebody got paid probably more than I’ll make all year to write the ‘jokes’ for this show” depresses me so much.

    It was all fun and games until I realized that someone as talented as you isn’t being paid.

    Oh the inhumanity.

  95. So, how many awards did Social Network win in total? And does it mean that Facebook is never going away? Because I want it to go away.

  97. yaaaayy florence!!!!!

    ps: “You guys The King’s Speech looks really boring, am I the only one who notices this?”

    the king’s speech is KICK ASS.. trust me.

  98. REALLY APPRECIATE all the Newsies references, Riese. It’s like you’re just going through the world thinking you are the only one who has such an intense and undying love of Newsies and then slowly but surely it is revealed that everyone you like also loves Newsies and it’s like you’re living in a dream called Santa Fe.

    (My high school band [punk not marching] performed a “Newsies Medley” at the end of our first CD. Such is the strength of my love!)

  99. For your auto-straddling enjoyment (and also to exorcise the angry demons that Gweneth Paltrow’s singing puts in brain), I’ve created my own little recap of the Oscars in quote form.

    “Men dressing up like women is SOOOOO hilarious! Right? RIGHT?”- James Franco

    “The only thing that is truly exceptional about me is my ratio of talent to self-importance. It’s 0: infinity.” -Gweneth Paltrow

    “I’m so glad that the Oscars is for appreciating pseudo-intellectual mediocrity! Otherwise, Black Swan might have won best picture!” -Tom Hooper, director of the King’s Speech

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