The L Word Generation Q Episode 310 Recap: Looking Full Steam Ahead I Guess

Welcome to the tenth recap of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about speaking the language of the manatees, high-stakes lesbian poker, pounding painkillers while your boss does a chemical peel, having sex with vampires, the bitter rivalry between a queer cafe noted for its Pear Polenta Tart and a nightclub with bubble chairs, brownies that might be gay, horse girls, a hybrid skate park/hair salon that also sold vests to gig in, men named Tom, installation art about core values, a philandering self-help guru peddling T.O.E., Eros the Bittersweet, the Lez Girls negative and the world’s most iconic garbage bag dress.

My friends, we have at last come to this Generation Q recap of Episode 310, “Looking Ahead,” the final episode of the season but also possibly the final episode of the entire series if the show is cancelled. “Looking Ahead” marked Leisha Hailey’s directorial debut and she killed it — you could feel her touch in so many of the more subtle cute friendship moments and comedic beats throughout the episode.

I did enjoy so much of this episode! But there were two storylines in this episode that I HATED and I bet you can guess what they were!

Usually I write these recaps beat by beat, not spoiling what comes next in my descriptions of what came first. Today I’m gonna be doing things a little differently — my recap of each scene will take into account what I already know from seeing the whole thing. Because I can’t figure out how to say what I need to say if I save every piece of commentary I possess until the entire storyline has played out!

We open on the most important moment in a young woman’s life: Bette and Tina’s wedding day. Faced with an artificial time constraint of one (1) week in which to coordinate the whole kit and kaboodle, our affluent couple has elected to make their dreams work through teamwork! Also, someone hired a crew of dapper gay minions right out of the Hedley & Bennet catalog. Luckily Alice totally knows what she’s doing:

Pull up Season Two Episode One of this show and you’ll get a rough idea of the kinds of weddings I usually attend

Currently, Alice is unable to locate the wedding planner! This is because Shane located Kimmy the wedding planner and then located her clitoris and yep, Shane and Kimmy are delivering Lesbian Sexy Moment #7 because let’s not waste any time we’re all gonna die one day and what’s a little bumper.

Ok ok I’m breathing deeply now just pull on the stem off the cup with your forefinger and thumb

Honestly pleased to have any sex scene at all, but it would’ve been a much richer story if Shane’s sex scene this episode had been with a former flame who’d been invited to the wedding — a narrative could’ve been quickly concocted to justify the invitation of someone like Molly or Quiara or Ivy or even Nikki Stevens (who perhaps is currently starring in Tina’s show Murdoch Mysteries).

Other sex scenes that could’ve happened this episode with already-present characters to provide heat as well as story:

• Dani and Roxy
• Sophie and Finley
• Sophie and Pippa
• Alice and Tasha
• Bette and Tina, because after all it is their actual wedding day

Elsewhere in this expansive wedding estate, Bette Porter is improbably applying her own makeup for a special event while Tina boils beneath her silk shirt like a slab of fresh meat on a charcoal grill. Bette suggests Tina could possibly be having a hot flash but Tina disagrees!

You know, Brittany and Santana got married in a barn in Indiana that didn’t even have air conditioning

Who?

Alice drops in to announce that the cake is here and therefore her job is done and also to receive compliments on her dress which I would like to personally echo:

“See it’s got two sides, one for cancelled and one for renewed.”

But Bette and Tina remind Alice that getting alcohol was also Alice’s job and while Tina continues obsessing about the temperature, Alice and Bette lip sync for their lives about whether or not Alice was ever truly assigned alcohol and the importance of her acquiring some regardless.

I wanna see your best Tyrannosaurus Rex impression and I want to see it now!!!!

Thus Alice finds Shane roaming the festival grounds while re-dressing herself and says the only solution to this alcohol problem  — despite all of us living in a world dotted with BevMos and Costcos and Hi-Los — is for Shane to call Tess. Also, Shane’s only duty for the wedding was “doing their hair” but Alice quickly observes that Shane not only did their hair but also very clearly did the wedding planner.

Okay well if I’m the Antoni of this wedding and you’re the Jonathan then where the fuck is our Bobby Berk

So we cut to hungover Tess in her shades with her Gatorade, creeping into the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern like a celebrity on a downward spiral.

Don’t talk to me ’til I’ve had my coffee

Finley bops in and announces that she’s moved into a roach-infested sublet with a non-functional stove, which inspires Tess to realize she’s gotta get all new furniture for her apartment, a realization which sends her into an immediate tizzy.

I mean now that you mention there is a vague gassy smell coming from the broken oven and I have been getting headaches but probs it’s no biggie

Finley embraces Tess and is like fuck shane and Tess is like you don’t have to say that, I know that you love her and Finley is like no i love you and then ring-a-ling it’s Shane on the horn!

Back at Bette and Tina: Endgame Infinity War, Dani and Sophie are looking absolutely smashing and Sophie questions Dani’s choice to “ghost” Dre following Dre’s Love Confession, which’s confusing ’cause Dre was the one who told Dani they wanted to call it off? Was that just a move or am I simply failing to understand this order of events ’cause Dre severing the relationship on account of Dani not being ready to say “I love you” after two weeks didn’t make sense to begin with?

Anyhow! It turns out this extraordinary venue has been brought to you by the apparently wealthy family of Roxy! I’m pleased to see Roxy ’cause she’s hot and also it’s always thrilling when something from a prior episode remains relevant in a later episode. However, I’m displeased to hear the nickname “D-Bag” uttered aloud again, as linguistically it resides far too close to “douchebag” for my comfort.

Both of you ought to know that douching upsets your vagina’s delicate Ph and can cause a yeast infection!

We lay the seeds for the night’s chaos: Sophie’s looking to get laid and hasn’t spoken to Alice since pulling off the finale coup. Roxy’s got molly for Dani who claims molly “doesn’t work on her.” So it’s definitely gonna work on her. So excited for the love triangle between Roxy, Dani and Molly!

Elsewhere on Roxy’s Prodigious Family Estate, Bette’s found a solution to Tina turning into a one-woman space heater: the walk-in fridge! We then receive the reckoning with the past I’ve personally been craving — they were indeed previously married, just as I noted in last week’s recap despite it not being mentioned all season! Anyhow, I guess their first wedding was a City Hall affair. This time’s different. It’s for their friends and by “their friends” they mean “us.’

Tina: “They have been on this very long journey with us and I want them to see us happy, like this.”
Bette: “Okay, when you put it that way — okay yes. I want that for them too.”

So what I’m envisioning for over the fireplace is a oil portrait of you when you were pregnant with Angie and were always wearing blankets as shirts—

Okay so far I love this!

Now that Tina’s cooled off and is ready to exit, they reach for the door only to have it break off in their hands, just like hope itself. Now they’re stuck, so

Back on the festival grounds, Alice is thanking G-d for Tess while I am preemptively cursing G-d for putting Tess in this episode at all if they were gonna do her so dirty! Sophie approaches Alice for a little chat and it’s pretty funny and cute — Alice is a little irked but the network loved the finale and they wanna promote Sophie! Sophie nudges her, “are we good?” and Alice nudges back and I love this for them.

C’mon admit it you’ve always been a little bit curious about what it would be like if we kissed

Alice spots someone she knows and dashes while Sophie keeps talking until she realizes she’s simply talking to herself but it turns out someone at this party was listening, and it’s not the U.S. government:

Hello stranger

Good golly I’m glad I’m not on molly

It’s Pippa! She’s back, I’m so surprised and excited!!! Pippa tells Sophie that her goal of getting laid at a wedding is achievable but before we can get into why that goal will be achieved with Pippa specifically, Finley rolls up with a box of alcohol and an interest in getting her toaster back, although ownership of the toaster is contentious.

Sophie and Finley are low-level flirty with each other in that way you can’t help being when you’ve never been any other way for so long — but it feels here and throughout the episode like there’s more distance between them than there ought to be, and while I’m proud of Finley for moving on it feels a little too easy. I adore the Pippa/Sophie ship, but I also wish we’d gotten more time with these two and I don’t think their story is over unless of course this show is cancelled.

Actually I did watch “Fleishman is in Trouble” and that is how I got the idea to claim this toaster as my own so thank you for the recommendation and for your Hulu login

We then return to SoMiMar’s where a vat of sperm has arrived. “Can you believe that? It goes from a canister to a baby in nine months?” Micah asks.

“I cannot,” I yell at the skies. “Because with at at-home insemination there is only a 10%-15% chance of this sperm becoming an actual fetus, let alone an actual baby!”

Wanna suck all the helium out of this tank and sing Christmas Carols like Alvin and the Chipmunks

Do I ever

Maribel and Micah are fantasizing about their future with the un-conceived baby they are 100% certain will be hatched out of this sperm no problem, and Micah extracts the sperm from the tank like it’s a bottle of sunscreen they just ordered from Amazon Prime. Is Maribel ovulating? Are they doing this right here right now in the dining room? 

All of that aside, the warmth and humor between these two in this scene is so delightful, especially considering what comes next.

Micah opens the insemination kit with wonder and confusion, an emotion I relate to because I am confused why they haven’t been briefed on this process prior to the kit’s arrival and gone over it with their doctor.

Wow this HEMNES cabinet looks like a much more complicated build than the BILLYs we just got rid of

We then return to the resplendent grounds of this magical vista hosting Bette and Tina: The Fate of the Furious. Tess is smoldering around the bar dressed like Jessica Rabbit in winter. Shane apologizes for calling her in last minute. Tess says she’s happy to help. Sexual tension simmers. Tess smiles. Shane tentatively compliments her.

Whaddya say we skip out on this little bruhaha and drive east until we hit our first Skyline Chili and then just settle in for the night

I would really enjoy a sour cream potato

“You clean up nice,” Tess tells her.

“You always clean up nice,” Shane says. Okay Scrub Daddy!

Once Shane’s a safe distance away, Tess dips beneath the bar to chug a mini-bottle of wine, catching the attention of a man I can best describe as Clark Kent’s body double from The CW’s Smallville.

Hi, I’m a man

I am going to use you for drugs so hard you will forget your own shoe size

Tess seduces this former Abercombie & Fitch model into taking her to his car to consume a truly wild amount of cocaine. Apparently a cute Alice/Shane scene was cut from the episode and yet this scene for some reason exists! Furthermore, episode stills suggest a Finley/Dani/Roxy scene was also filmed but eliminated from the final cut! And yet!

Unfortunately I am once again finding myself praying for a merciful release from my mortal coils.

Back at Walk in Fridge: Escape Room Edition, I’m having flashbacks to pounding cannolli cream from a tube in the walk-in at the Macaroni Grill while waiting for the sweat in the armpits of my white oxford uniform shirt to dry. Was I ever so young??? 

Ohhh look at me I’m just a little old lady stuck in the fridge oohhh I’m so cold

Bette’s prepared Tina a small charcuterie board but Tina’s not excited about this opportunity to explore the world’s mot valuable culinary art. (Charcuterie boards.) Bette’s posi vibes are bringing Tina down! But before we can dive to deeply into that, look who’s here: it’s Shane and Alice!

Okay what weird sex game are you guys playing in here

TINA JUST FIT THIS WHOLE ENTIRE THING UP MY ASSHOLE

But when Shane and Alice try to open the door, they somehow break the outside door handle? This is not how walk-in freezer handles work but regardless, they disregard the idea to break the window with a mallet, like Thor of Asgard or simply a handy dyke would’ve done in a heartbeat, and instead they’re gonna call this season’s hottest number: 911.

“Fire department” is absolutely not the correct fix here and there’s a 0% chance the fire department would intervene in this case, but am allowing it because Tasha is in the fire department.

Meanwhile, Tina’s at a breaking point with The New Bette Porter — and what ensues feels so real and touching:

Tina: “I just hate your positivity! Don’t be so positive right now.”
Bette: “Do you want me to say it’s a disaster? Of course it’s a disaster. We’re stuck in a fridge on our wedding day. But you know what I’m not gonna do? I’m not gonna start yelling about it.”
Tina: “Well why not? That would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do!”
Bette: “Because I have tried really hard to quiet those parts of me so I wouldn’t hurt you and I am afraid that if I let them out and then I won’t be able to shut them back inside.”

Tina assures Bette that just like all of us at home, she loves the part of Bette that yells at motorists and board members and senators and Jenny Schecter! She loves the part of Bette who famously screams her very own name (Tina) into the void! Because she loves every part of Bette!

Remember that time you called me for emotional support but then went off on a tangent about “my buddy” Helena Peabody and how she was a ‘fucking dragon” who made your life “a living hell”

Uh-huh but I’m not sure where you’re going with this…

So, when the fire department delivers a vague timeline on when they can make it to the Resplendent Wedding Venue, Bette reaches deep inside herself and lets it rip:

Bette: ALICE! CALL TASHA RIGHT NOW AND GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO MARRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TODAY IF IT’S THE LAST FUCKING THING I DO!

Tina is smitten. I tear up. I love this for everyone involved, but especially me because I also want Alice to call Tasha right now! Except for different reasons. (So they can be together forever)

The L Word Generation Q Episode 309 Recap: Quiet Before The Firestorm

Hello and welcome to the ninth episode of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about how it is not a woman’s job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some f*cking man can evolve!!!!!

Today’s recap of Generation Q Episode 309 “Quiet Before the Storm” is dedicated to whomstever is in charge of making the trail mix at Whole Foods, I salute your work, it’s really gotten me through so much. Also, “Quiet Before the Storm” marked Kate Moennig’s directorial debut, Bette and Tina’s return to the playing field and, in my opinion, the season’s strongest episode! It felt coherent and well-constructed and there were so many funny dialogue exchanges I couldn’t even transcribe them all.

I would like to start out by saying although I liked this episode overall, I have sent the first 30 seconds of it to the FCC, Lambda Legal, the FDA, the HRC, the ADA, the AMA, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, my own mother, Amnesty International, the YMCA and every Democratic official elected to the House of Representatives in the past 75 years in an attempt to notify the world that a crime against humanity has been committed and must be dealt with. I cannot say for sure what the consequences will be but I’m confident they will be swift and dire.

My friends, the show opens in the corridors of a well-lit but sparsely occupied hospital. There is doctor chatter. There is an affirmation of a dropping heart rate, there is a shot of a screen containing blood pressure readings. There are words like “stabilizing” and “CC” that we all recognize from precisely what this scene turns out to be… an episode of GREY’S ANATOMY.

(It’s not an actual clip from Grey’s Anatomy, obvs that’s not in the budget, but it’s a clip meant to stand in for an episode of Grey’s Anatomy)

“Human beings need a lot to feel alive. Family. Love. Sex. But we only need one thing to actually be alive. We need a beating heart.”

“See, she’s not dead,” says Carrie in voiceover as the camera pulls back to reveal her and Misty alive and well on the couch, enjoying a little Shondaland.

Finley arrives, looking cute and sporty in her backwards hat with bags of luxurious take-out, and immediately expresses concern that Carrie and Misty have not begun the day with a balanced breakfast and a little “movement,” as per the doctor’s order. At first I thought she meant “bowel movement” so that was a little journey for me.

Wait that patient swallowed TEN DOLL HEADS?

“I find Grey’s Anatomy really healing, you know,” Carrie says. “It’s gotten me through some really rough patches in my life.” This is incredibly accurate lesbian representation.

Elsewhere in “film/tv as therapy” we find Angie huddled under a blanket hiding from the world and also her Intro to Creative Writing class, watching The Four-Faced Liar. When Bella tells her she’s gotta get up out of that thing and go to class, Angie says she doesn’t care if she fails. Furthermore she’s dreading this evening’s reading and doesn’t want Bella to come watch her. This is literally exactly why you shouldn’t date your teacher.

Well, if you’re gonna be like this then I am taking the goldfish

Bella: “You’re way too hot to be hung up on some Hemingway wannabe.”
Angie: “I hope to one day share that perspective.”

But then… SURPRISE! Bette and Tina have traveled over the stormy middle of this spoiled country and landed in Los Angeles, just in time for Angie’s reading!

Hello again!!!!

Bette and Tina are bubbling and doting and truly adorable.

Tina: “You don’t have to be nervous, honey, because you are an amazing writer!”
Bette: “You have such a command of the stage, you were terrific in your high school productions.”
Angie: “I was a stagehand.”
Bette: “And it was memorable!”

Would you like me to perform “I’m a Little Teapot” for you right now for inspiration?

Um, absolutely?

As Bette collects balls of Kleenex from Angie’s bed to sustainably dispose of them in a cardboard take-out container, Tina gently suggests Angie look into showering. We all know that Sisterhood is Powerful t-shirt has been through some rough times.

“Um, lowkey iconic,” Bella mutters accurately as Bette and Tina depart.

We then fly across the clear blue sky and into the window of the bedroom of Shane McCutcheon, who’s naked and sprawled out in bed. She rolls over to see Tess attempting an early morning Irish Goodbye. Shane says it was so nice to have Tess there and the dog missed her and maybe they could go talk to a couple’s therapist if Tess is ready for that?

You know, I had this crazy dream where I saw Jenny and she told me how much it’d mean to her if we named the second bar after her—

Can it, buddy

Despite the universally held belief by not only Tess but the entirety of the lesbian population (2004 – 2023) that Shane desperately requires therapy, Tess declines this offer to enroll in Couples Therapy.

“I just think it would be a good idea,” Shane says.

“Well, you also thought it’d be a good idea to fuck another woman—” Tess says.

Point of order: I don’t think Shane ever said she thought it was a good idea to fuck another woman.

Tess then announces her intention to visit “the expansion” to see “the tile guy.” Okay

Cut to the set of The Aloce Show, where Alice is showing Sophie photographs of Piddles Junior for what seems to be absolutely not the first time, and they’re both thrilled about today’s season finale and its very special guest Rachel Maddow!

And that’s when we all went to Whistler for Shane and Carmen’s wedding and Helena’s Mom hooked up with a nun

But then Sophie gets a series of notifications on her phone — Alice’s little squabble with Taylor in the movie theater has gone viral, thanks to noted “tiny cretin of a man” James Corden (who, you may recall, Alice has previously expressed hatred towards) and the hashtag he invented for her antics: #AliceSoEntitled. Of course this has inspired the internet to do its thing, digging up Alice’s sins from the year of our lord 2008.

Sophie looks up from her phone: “Alice, do you know a guy named Darryl Brewer?”

😬

Anybody aching for a breath of fresh air will be delighted to learn our next stop is the wild canyons of Los Angeles, where Finley’s taking Carrie and Misty on a hike.

Misty suggests sex as a reward for finishing this little incline but Carrie hesitates – she wasn’t expecting to feel all these feelings with Misty! Misty wasn’t expecting to feel all these feelings with Carrie!

C’mon, somebody’s gotta do a sex scene this season and it may as well be us

“I mean I’m not somebody who just jumps right in to the sex stuff,” Carrie adds. Misty says she gets it totally one hundred percent, they don’t have to do anything she’s not ready for, but also she’d like Carrie to know that she’s very good at sex.

Back at The Aloce Show, Alice is on the phone with Barry and it’s not going great.

Squabble #14: I Am Sorry That You Feel This Way
In the Ring: Alice vs. Barry

Content:  Alice recalls meeting Darryl and outing him but doesn’t regret her decision to put him on blast. (I will explain this situation at length shortly to anybody who doesn’t remember it or didn’t watch the original series!) Sophie, providing reason amid Alice’s chaos, assures Barry that Alice is very sorry, absolutely will say so, and there’s no need to cancel the show tonight!

Who Wins? Sophie for being very good at her job amid challenging circumstances

Cut to Dani’s Castle in the Sky, where Dre’s writing a song because they’re songwriter and Dani’s staring at her phone, probably googling “what happened to Devon Sawa” or “Sepideh Moafi Generation Q Season 3”

Okay it’s 5 letters and the clue is “Central node in Alice’s chart on the original ‘L Word'”

Dani leans in for the makeout and for one hot second I thought we were all as a community about to witness lesbian sex on television. But alas! Dre slips up with a, “God I love you,” and Dani immediately recoils.

gimme more gimme gimme gimme more

Before Dani’s gotta deal with the love unfurled before her, Sophie calls and she picks up like an eager beaver.

We then return to the sullied halls of California University for a surprisingly well-attended student reading in an enormous venue. Angie tells Bella she’s nervous her parents can “sniff out” her affair with Hendrix Fitz but Bella assures her it’s okay.

“You’re the best person I know,” Bella tells her, futzing with the sleeves of Angie’s blazer. “You’re smart and kind and full of life and wisdom. He’s an idiot, and you’re a catch. It’s so obvious.”

“Says who?” asks Angie.

And it that moment it becomes clear: Bella. It’s Bella who says who. Through all the zombie makeup and sex advice and the homoerotic experience of having a condom retrieved from her vaginal canal by Angelica Porter-Kennard, a spark has emerged within Bella’s gut: she clearly has a thing for Angie.

I mean, me getting a crush on you and that enabling my bisexual awakening would be a pretty good story, yeah? Better than this professor thing?

I dunno I kinda wanna see how this plays out… like, he was in Hamilton

In case Bella had any hesitance at all about the prosperity enabled by a lesbian lifestyle, Bette and Tina wave for Bella to come join them in the auditorium.

C’mon, we’ve gotta tell you about Xena the Warrior Princess

We return to the offices of The Aloce Show, where Sophie’s called in professional fixer Dani Nunez because if you can spin the opioid crisis to someone who just lost his son to an overdose, you can spin Alice outing a basketball player on now-defunct website Our Chart Dot Com in 2008.

A refresher: in 2008, Alice was invited to a secret gay party and attended it with her girlfriend, Tasha Williams, who was at that time under investigation by the military for homosexual conduct. The party was intended as a safe space for wealthy, closeted people, and all attendees were required to sign an NDA and forfeit their devices at the door. Barry, the party host (this show only knows like five male names), also personally requested Alice’s discretion after implausibly declaring himself a fan of her pod. Alice was giddy with excitement over the possible “famous closet cases” she might encounter at this event.

Tasha almost immediately clocked the presence of Top Ranking Point Guard in the NBA Darryl Brewer, and Alice, in a flagrant disregard for rules intended to protect homosexuals from discrimination in a hostile world, used her Samsung Flip-Phone to secretly capture Darryl Brewer dancing with his boyfriend and somehow did so undetected. Then, Alice saw Darryl Brewer on her favorite channel, New News Live, talking shit about John Amaechi, the first NBA basketball player to come out.

Great writing here

So she decided to post a video outing him (and everybody standing behind him at the party) on Our Chart dot com.

#neverforget

The video went viral, Alice was interviewed on her favorite channel New News Live, and her fame from this event eventually landed her a guest-hosting gig on The Look, replacing their former gay co-host who they considered to be “too angry” (who at the time we assumed was meant to be a nod at Rosie O’Donnell leaving The View).

But first, it landed her in hot water with Tasha, who was understandably shocked that Alice would out this man, particularly while Tasha was being investigated for Army. This man had a family and children and him being in the closet is not their fault and they were also going to suffer for this! It was also not a great look for Tasha to have her Very Close Female Friend on television during Tasha’s trial.

Alice and Tasha consequently broke up, although they did get back together a few episodes later as Tasha bid farewell to Army.

The fact that Alice had signed an NDA and would undoubtedly be in trouble with her alleged pal Barry and the entirety of closeted Hollywood (which was “most of it” at the time) was never addressed.

Unfortunately, then as in now — Alice would prefer to lean in.

Alice: “If people really think that I’m an out of touch, entitled asshole, then I say we make the bit out of it.”
Dani: “I fear that would make things worse.”
Alice: “Kimmel would do it. Sophie you know he would!”
Sophie: “Yes, but! Kimmel isn’t a queer woman.”

I mean sure — was it my idea, my footage, my voice, my script and my website? Absolutely. But technically it was Max who uploaded the file

So you want to pin your bad judgement call on your transgender employee who probably has more negative “working with Alice” stories than anybody else you’ve ever met?

Just to name one example, apparently ten minutes before asking Max to upload the Darryl Brewer video to Our Chart, he told you he was suspicious that Jenny’s new assistant Adele “isn’t who she says she is” and your response was “you’re one to talk, Max,” so

Alice doesn’t mean to disrespect these two women, but they don’t know what it was like to be gay back then, when men could go on television and call people f*ggots! As someone who was gay back then and watching and recapping this program, I can testify that Alice’s decision seemed incredibly bad to me at the time, too!

Alice insists she doesn’t regret what she said and therefore feels no need to apologize. For a moment I thought the show was actually going to address and acknowledge race as a concept — how that impacts her perception of herself as the more oppressed party in that outing as well as in this conversation — but instead they simply do not!

Sophie gets that this is what Alice wants to do, but they’re still the only queers on television so they’ve gotta do an apology. Fine, Alice says. FINE SHE’LL SAY SHE’S SORRY!!!!!!

L Word Generation Q Episode 308 Recap: Quality Time Salts All Wounds

Hello and welcome to my recap of Episode 308 of The L Word: Generation Q, a show that often inspires me to ask the question what is going on?

So… I’ve really tried to keep it mostly positive this season because writing these recaps takes time and I’d like to be happy doing it and I want to maintain an intellectual commitment to the material that enables my brain to remain active as I write. I also know recapping lends itself to nitpicking that isn’t relevant to the casual viewer. And I do mostly like the show! I also adore this cast and I wanna celebrate a program that’s got so much queer representation behind the camera and in front of it. I want the show renewed ’cause I love the community we’ve built around it and I love these characters and also because these recaps get a ton of traffic so it’s good for Business.

But this episode was particularly frustrating ’cause on the one hand, an Emmy to Jacqueline Toboni for an incredible performance in an episode that really gave Finley some meaningful character work and a very satisfying arc. I love how Carrie has rejoined this world and I adored seeing all the characters and the Suarez family come together so organically. Dre and Dani are really cute and it’s fun when Micah gets to do comedy and I’m always here for more Shane/Angie time. It was so well-directed and full of heart.

On the other hand, 308 “Quality Family Time” was often wildly incoherent and the ending was inexcusable (which honestly probably tainted my opinion of the entire episode) and there were no sex scenes and really must we do a relapse storyline and can anybody just acknowledge that there are guidelines around doing amends and so many pieces were put on the board but not played with and Sophie has not gotten enough time this season and where is Gigi and why hasn’t anyone hired me to write a Generation Q Christmas Special???

Okay thanks for listening, let’s see what our little friends are up to this week!

We open at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, where my favorite mother/daughter duo (Carrie and Finley) are working through their respective romantic situations on Thanksgiving Day, a time for friends! Firstly, we learn that Carrie’s yet to ride the hobby horse with Misty ’cause Carrie is demisexual and therefore must wait for a solid emotional connection before she can remove her literal and metaphorical layers. Also, I must note that I am indeed tracking the timeline and it’s only been five days since their first kiss, so!

You know I personally would just feel a lot more settled about life overall if Prime Video could renew “A League Of Their Own” for its second season

Pretty hot take there, Care Bear

Secondly, Finley’s face is lighting up while texting in a way that suggests she’s experiencing delight regarding said texts, which Carrie clocks as indicating that perhaps there is some Sophie/Finley sexting going on!

This is enough to keep the flame of hope for #Sinley alive within me for eight more nights, just like the Maccabi warriors. Then Misty shows up ’cause somehow she’s gotten Carrie on board for my girlfriend’s favorite Thanksgiving tradition: waking up incredibly early and running down the street for 5K miles, aka a “Turkey Trot.”

OOOF are you sure it’s just Bette Porter’s tears in this witches brew because I swear I can taste a thimble of Tina

In the backroom, Tess has decided to store her dead mother alongside the high-shelf liquor, so I hope that Shane doesn’t start to feel a little sad and accidentally take a swig of Peppermint Patty.

Sit down I wanna introduce you to a little game called M.A.S.H., it’s like ayahuasca for sober people

Finley volunteers to manage The Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern by herself if Tess needs time off to stare at the city from a ledge and cry, but Tess insists that what she truly needs is meaningless tasks to occupy her restless heart. Thus Finely and Tess exit into the clean light of the Dana’s main floor with flower arrangements to find a surprise guest: FINLEY’S MOM.

Surprise it’s me, famous actress Mary McCormack!

Oh my god I loved you in “An American Girl Story – Maryellen 1955: Extraordinary Christmas”

I have never missed the incredible soundtrack of the original series more than I did this episode — I mean, do you remember it? Do you remember Leonard Cohen and Tegan & Sara and Sleater-Kinney and Nick Cave and The Gossip and Rufus Wainwright and The Murmurs and Joan Armatrading and Lucinda Williams and Le Tigre and Uh Huh Her? The first season finale fading to black and Damien Rice’s and so it is, just like you said it would be sneaking up on your heart and dragging it into a well of sadness? Feist trilling lonely lonely that is me while Jenny and Bette stood side-by-side in their adjacent homes, thick in the mess of their own mistakes?  Dana and Alice dancing to a trippy remix of Shirley Bassey’s “Where Do I Begin?” at The Planet after debuting as a couple? Sex scenes to Kinnie Star and Esthero and Broken Social Scene and that song “Swimming Pool” that played through the blackout sex montage and also in my head forever? Shane cutting Jenny’s hair to Iron & Wine?

I mention that now because after Finley’s Mom shows up, the house music starts chanting: yeah I bet you wanna know what happens next and ok calm down everything is so on the nose!

Cut to Dani’s Castle in the Sky, where a very cozy and cute and shippable Dani and Dre are about to bid farewell to each other for the holiday, as Dre’s thrilled to be returning to their homeland of Ohio for a Thanksgiving celebration that involves stuffing made out of Saltines. I’ve also spent probably 20 Thanksgivings in Ohio and I recommend it highly, because there’s always Green Bean Casserole.

Come closer I want to see if you can feel the dry socket in the back of my mouth with your tongue

Dani, however, would prefer for Dre to take some time for tonsil hockey despite their Lyft being mere minutes away.

“The Lyft can wait five minutes,” says Dani, enemy to the working man.

But then Dre gets ten billion iPhone notifications at once and must check their phone: their flight home has been cancelled!

Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metropolitan area, Shane and Angie are getting a speakerphone explanation from Alice about why she’s not in this week’s episode as they proceed to a location on the California University campus where they will be “volunteering at the food bank.”

Yes of course I’m wearing the cute denim jumpsuit you sent me and yes it does look amazing

Alice asks if Tess is joining them on their journey into Upright Citizenry and Shane says Tess is still in Las Vegas, and I’ve got no idea why she’s lying about this!

But then, just over yonder by the way, Angie spots him: Hendrix Fitz, walking with another woman who I hope is not his student.

Angie: Oh my God, fuck, oh my God.
Shane: What?
Angie: It’s someone I dated? Briefly?
Shane: Which one?

Bisexual representation!

And a tote bag for you, m’lady

I’d imagine that this man is still her professor and therefore Angie would’ve been seeing him 2-3 times a week since their breakup, but also last week’s episode took place from November 18th-19th and now it is merely November 24th, so it’s possible she didn’t have her Intro to Creative Writing Class on this shortened vacation week, but regardless it’s not like she can avoid him forever! He’s her professor, a fact which everybody forgets for this entire g-ddamn episode!

Back at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Mrs. Finley has been left alone in the dining hall and lord knows what she’s getting up to out there. Meanwhile Finley and Tess are in the backroom, processing this turn of events.

The doctor promised me if I stopped drinking I’d stop getting kidney stones!

Tess says she’s happy to kick Mrs. Finley to the curb, but if there’s anything she’s learned recently, it’s that we really don’t know how much time we have left with anyone. Alternately, we really don’t know how much time we have left with anyone so maybe we shouldn’t be spending it with people who make us feel terrible!

But also — Tess did know her mother had limited time, that’s why she’d been prioritizing spending time together, that’s why she ran MS charity events, that’s part of why she had her mother literally move into her apartment.  Grief is complicated and different for everyone, but of everything Tess is grappling with, I can’t imagine “didn’t value the time I had left with my mother” is at the top of her list.

But I am not a therapist, just a writer screaming into the void!

Finley winces and then says, “oh, sweet Tess, I can totally do this,” before ducking outside to “get some air.”

Once Finley’s safely outdoors, Tess pours alcohol into a Go-Cup and starts drinking it.

Well here goes relapse storyline number two

The house music croons: Maybe I’ll empty the bottle, maybe I’ll be okay. To which I would like to say: NOBODY IS OK!

Like… must we? Must we do another relapse? ‘Cause also there’s nothing Tess does in this episode that she couldn’t have done sober! She’s perfectly capable of giving bad advice without a drop to drink, we’ve seen it before!

Back outside, Finley’s decided to pair “getting some air” with “calling Sophie,” who she asks to come to the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern ASAP — Sophie hesitates ’cause her whole adorable loving family’s over and they’re already elbows-deep in prep… but when Finley reveals that her Mom just turned up, Sophie changes her mind.

You know earlier when you texted that you wanted me between your legs could you go into like a little bit more detail on that

So actually my Mom’s about four feet away from me right now

Sophie delivers the news to her family: everybody’s going to the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern to support Finley!

UGHHH THIS BOX OF MIXED GREENS IS SO HEAVY WE CAN’T POSSIBLY BRING IT

Maribel wants to know why Sophie and Finley are still talking to each other if they broke up and Virginia and Nana make a private $20 bet that Sophie and Finley are getting back together. Keep the hope alive, fam!

Maribel: I’m not spending Thanksgiving with her or her terrible fucking mother.
Sophie: You know what, yes you are! And you know why? Because you’re my beautiful gorgeous loving so good to people sister queen of this earth.
Micah: That’s good.
Sophie: Because you know it’s the right thing to do, okay? Not everybody has a family like yours, you’re fucking fortunate.

Micah agrees that it’s the right thing to do as a friend, but needs something to “take the edge off” and Sophie promptly hands him a tin of weed gummies and he asks how many he should take and she suggests that he take one and he promptly eats THREE OF THEM? This man has certainly encountered marijuana before! What … is going on…

It was on this day that Micah learned that Sour Patch Kids do indeed still slap

Left alone in the kitchen, Maribel confesses to Nana that her plan for the evening involved proposing to Micah. She shows Nana the ring and then Micah comes back to ask if they’re coming? Nana lowers her hand to prevent Micah from seeing the ring. Micah then picks up the tin of weed gummies that he’d intentionally left behind one calendar minute earlier.

I need more motivation to walk through the door!

He then exits again, and now … the ring is gone? Is Nana a magician? Nana and Maribel decide that it must have somehow landed in the mashed potatoes and then acquired sentient powers enabling it to burrow itself deep into the heart of this side dish and therefore they’re taking the potatoes with them? To look for the ring? Again I must simply just ask… what… is going on

We then cut to Dani’s Castle in the Sky, where Dani apparently is not a Delta SkyTeam Elite Platinum Diamond SkyLounge Codemember ’cause neither she nor Dre are able to secure a viable flight back to the Hinterlands, but great news: Dani has Saltines and just like Mrs Dalloway they are going to make the stuffing themselves!

FOUND EM!

It is so weird of you to keep your sex toys in a cracker box

We return to the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, where Mrs. Finley is upset that the Thanksgiving Menu is pre-fixe instead of a la carte, and also reveals that apparently she made a reservation for Thanksgiving at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern about a week ago and somehow Finley did not take notice of this. I’m guessing nobody wrote it down ’cause if you’re coming solo you can just simply sit at the bar but sure okay.

So where are you um, staying

At the Motel 6 Van Nuys, no thanks to you

Mrs. Finley has been calling Finley but Finley did not pick up!  “How is that supposed to make me feel?” Mrs. Finley asks, regarding Finley not answering the phone. Finley has to admit that it would not make Mrs. Finley feel great. This woman is mean and I hate her and feel sad for Finley!

Out in the gorgeous November sunshine, Carrie and Misty are power-walking through the Turkey Trot when Carrie’s co-worker ambles up to the duo and asks Carrie if this is the famous Tina! You know, Tina Kennard. From Toronto. Who broke up with Carrie 17 months ago? Carrie gently reminds this man that Tina is old news and now she’s got a new girlfriend, Misty!

You know I find singing “Turkey Lurkey Time” to myself while running to be extremely invigorating

“I’d love to tell you that he’s not always like that, but he is,” Carrie offers Misty after he exits stage left. Misty looks uncomfortable and declares an intention to pick up the pace and then does so, leaving Carrie to attempt to run, an activity she has previously condemned.

L Word Generation Q Episode 307 Recap: Little Boxes Made of Ticky Tacky

Welcome to the seventh recap of the third season of The L Word Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about girls in tight dresses who drag with mustaches.

Specifically this is a recap of Episode 307, “Little Boxes.”

When I was a senior in high school, my best friend Krista directed a play I wrote called “Familyland” — the story of a ’50s Levittown family coming gradually unglued following the arrival of an unexpected dinner guest — for that year’s One Act Festival. I still remember Krista playing me “Little Boxes” on her CD player, and me agreeing with her that indeed it was the perfect intro music for our show. It was also perfect for the next time it appeared in my life, which was when it served as the intro music for the Showtime comedy Weeds.

Anyhow! As you will see in this Episode 307 recap of The L Word: Generation Q, this television event was not about the one-act play I wrote in high school, nor was it about a suburban Mom selling marijuana in the wake of her husband’s death. Nor was it about little boxes. What, then pray tell, was it about? Well, the only way to find out is to either watch it, read this recap, or both!

A quick note of order before we proceed: I’m continuing to count Sexy Moments but I won’t be doing little segments for each one like I used to because honestly there is not that much to say about sex scenes that are under 30 seconds long! But if we get any long ones later in the season, I will give them an orderly paragraph of my time.

We open on a gorgeous, sunny day in Los Angeles, California, where Finley has recently fallen victim to some very incongruous writing choices that have left her very dumped. Thanks to Carmax, however, she’s got a vehicle to sit in while attempting to piece together a coping strategy that doesn’t involve drinking.

Fuck I should’ve grabbed the leftover beef lo mein I still had in the fridge

Finley’s trusty sponsor Tess ignores her call but Shane picks up — but upon learning Shane’s en route to Vegas with Tess for Tess’s Mom’s funeral, Finley decides to seek help elsewhere.

Mom?

Sure, honey, whatever you need.

Words cannot express how deeply I love this for both of them. Also I think my life would’ve turned out a lot better if I’d been able to just go live in Rosie O’Donnell’s house after a breakup instead of what I usually did instead. What did I do instead? I acted like Sophie’s gonna act all episode long! So without any further ado…

It’s Extra Long Morning Time at SoMiMar’s and there’s a lot happening: Micah’s running a solo Jamba Juice for his buddies, Sophie got her nipples pierced and is soothing the burn with packs of frozen peas, and Dani’s buzzing around, stoked for that evening’s Fletcher release party.

I told her I liked nipple play but I did not mean that I wanted her to bite my nipples so hard they bled for hours, you know?

Dani asks Sophie if it’d be weird for Dre to attend this episode’s Big Event (the Fletcher release party) and Sophie says it’s actually completely and totally chill absolutely 100% will not have any impact on her whatsoever at all.

Well, I add one cup frozen blueberries, 1/2 cup raw pepitas, 1 pitted date, 1 tablespoon hemp seeds, a cup of water, one ounce of beetle’s blood, the feather of a falcon and three tablespoons of Bette Porter’s tears

When pressed about her feelings regarding last week’s sudden breakup, Sophie declares herself “a little numb,” just like her boobs! Dani sneaks a peek at Sophie’s new nips and the exes-to-friends energy here with both of them and Micah is invigorating.

We then cut to the Aloce Show Emporium, where Alice has invited Tom for a comfortable conversation about their possibly destined romance, which he begins by running right into a glass door. Honestly Tom is such a delight, you know?

We learn quickly thereafter that Tom’s rejected marriage proposal to Alice took place on the top of the Eiffel Tower. Here are some ideas that seem less romantic but are not: getting down on one knee outside a gas station in the rain, hiding an engagement ring in a baked potato, standing on a car in city traffic demanding all nearby drivers to “honk in the name of love,” interrupting your active crying over your close friend’s death by saying “would you marry me” to your girlfriend who is gardening for some reason, performing a mash-up of “Hand in My Pocket” and “Feel the Earth Move” before asking your girlfriend to “mash up for life” with you. All of those ideas are better than this idea!

That said if anyone reading this proposed or was proposed to atop the Eiffel Tower I bet it was super cute!

What if instead I’d proposed to you on the top of the Eiffel Tower replica they have at Kings Island in Ohio?

I would’ve sooner said yes if you’d gotten down on one knee in the bathroom line at Barnes & Noble

Alice has got something she’s eager to chat with Tom about, but Tom cuts her right off with his assumption of what she wants to talk about — she’s obviously thinking about her next book and cannot do it without him!

Womp womp wompity womp off we go to California University, where Angie is looking delightfully dykey while discussing her upcoming romantic weekend with her professor who is also her boyfriend. Apparently he’ll be doing a reading out of town and Angie’s his special guest and Bella’s so excited for Angie to lose her V-Card and is insisting that Angie pack ten thousand condoms for this occasion.

You know this kinda seems like when NASA sent a woman to space for six days and gave her 100 tampons

Angie feels super-ready to have sex with this man despite not having felt super-ready to have sex with Jordi when they dated for two years. Also she made this man a chapbook that he does not deserve. Also Bella asks “are you in love” and if Bette Porter could hear one word of this she would be at the Toronto Pearson International Airport in fifteen minutes.

We then return to Carrie’s Home for Wayward Finleys, where Finley’s just burnt a lasagna and, in the grand tradition of a person recently dumped for confusing reasons, is certain this means she’s an overall failure at life with zero skills.

OOFF this is the last time I try to make Shrinky Dinks without watching a YouTube instructional video first

Carrie, however, has no time for such self-defeatism! She embraces Finley and insists Finley sub in at her bowling match that evening. I love this for them!

Listen, I burned three batches of Fimo beads in 1997 and it didn’t stop me from continuing to pursue arts and crafts

Okaayyyy fine I’ll try Shrinky Dinks again

This is incredibly realistic lesbian recreational league sports representation here with the desperate needing of a sub and the degrading of one’s own abilities when pitching said sub.

Back at The Aloce Show Offices, Tom’s still pitching book ideas, including the very promising concept of a tongue-in-cheek self-help book… or perhaps a cookbook? She could learn to cook and then make a book of recipes, easy peasy! Here, I made a mock-up for Alice’s self-help book:

Order your advance copy now, advance purchases are very important for authors

But then! Before Alice can effectively redirect the conversation, they both hear a noise coming from the wall and Alice is incredibly relieved that Tom hears what she hears: ghost cat!

What I THINK, Tom, is I think that Ellen DeGeneres sent a little ghost to spit in my face!!!

Alice: Oh my god, thank you! I’ve been telling Sophie there’s a cat in here and everyone’s like oh you’re going crazy and then a PA was like oh it’s a ghost and then we spent half a day looking for an eco-friendly ghost removal service.
Tom: How’d that go?
Alice: It was like Ghostbusters but they showed up in an old Prius. It was a scam. A ghost scam.

Although I’m still not rooting for Alice and Tom as endgame, they have such fantastic comedic chemistry I wish he was still on the show!

Back at SoMiMar’s, Maribel is sick of looking at sperm donors online and I agree and think she should instead be looking at designer sneakers she can’t afford online, like I do. Sophie saunters into the room like an impulsive queen, announcing her intention to get her hair done, which nope has nothing to do with seeing Dre tonight not at all!

Oh, I’m not the girl I was or used to be … bitch I might be better

Micah’s been begging Maribel to join him for the Fletcher Album Release Party and she’s been resisting his insistence… but now? Now she has no choice but to attend ’cause Sophie’s overall vibe is heading in an undoubtedly chaotic direction and well, you know how it is with sisters… Sisterhood is powerful.

It’s Fletcher Field Day time! Dre’s here and Dani’s stoked to see them ’cause there’s some people she wants Dre to meet for professional reasons, for example Fletcher and also Sophie Suarez, a producer for The Aloce Show who Dre once had several fingers inside.

Personally I think it’s completely fine to fuck on the first date, yes/no?

But it’s also clear, as Dani fingers a smudge on Dre’s shirt and they attempt to speak to each other professionally, that there is something buzzing between them and that something is “sexual tension.”

We then get on our scooters and scoot on over to the Hollywood Bowl(ing Alley), where rec league night is thriving and reminding us all that masc lesbians look great in bowling shirts.

Why can’t I throw it like this I’ve been practicing my hook shot

When it’s Finley’s turn at the mound she hands Carrie her phone with its drafted text message to Sophie —

Carrie: [reading] Hi Soph hope you’re well [stops reading] No it’s not good, I’m deleting it.
Finley: What do you mean? You didn’t even get to the part where I apologized!
Carrie: It’s too soon Finley!

Everybody needs a butch lesbian Mom to erase their text messages for them, you know? And if not, they could just read this book:

Alternately you could read this article

Anyhow, Finley’s thrilled to discover she’s pretty good at bowling and shocked to discover that Carrie’s yet to ask Misty on a date.

Carrie: I’m sorry, you haven’t asked the plumber out yet?
Finley: She has a name, it’s Misty!

SUPERSTAR!

Carrie’s happy with just being friends: she likes bowling, hanging out a little bit every week. It’s good enough for her. Unfortunately, it isn’t good enough for Finley, who tonight is playing the role of “precocious child in a rom-com who fears his father will never find love again.”

The L Word Generation Q Episode 306 Recap: Questions For Us All Together On Drugs

Welcome to the sixth recap of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that aired the original L Word, a show about an aspiring screenwriter who Irish Goodbyed a beach party by boarding an inflatable raft with her Pomeranian and floating out to sea, only to resurface many months later with a film financier she met in Tulum and a really cute attitude.

Thank you for gathering here as a chosen family during the thick of the holiday season to read this L Word Generation Q Episode 306 “Questions for the Universe” recap. It seems that last week’s announcement of an upcoming musical episode was more exciting to me than it was to the internet-at-large, who commented things like “nobody wants this” on Showtime’s instagram while I sat here thinking, “but wait, I do!” See, one thing I learned from enduring the entirety of and recapping a solid portion of a little TV show called Glee is that singing and dancing is almost always fun and talking is only sometimes fun. So what are we waiting for? Let’s take a trip!

We open in what appears to be a mini-orgy, which is — although not quite as satisfying as Jim playing a prank on Dwight — generally a fantastic way to start an episode of television.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #5: Bacchanal Buffet
The Players: Shane and several unidentified extras
The Pick-Up: No idea but I’m dying to know — assuming Shane’s been avoiding the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern and has never downloaded a dating app, did she simply approach these lesbians at the Silver Lake Whole Foods and ask if they had plans for their cucumbers?

Speaking of Shane, she’s not really participating in this sex scene. Rather, she’s gazing lazily at a resplendent display of entirely-to-partially undressed women engaging in sexual intercourse of various flavors while drinking alcohol straight out of the bottle.

Stay still I’m trying to draw you all like several of my French girls

We cut to the outdoors, where Alice is wearing an adorable adidas x Gucci tracksuit that is no longer in stock but is available at several resale establishments for approximately three thousand dollars. She’s carrying multiple shopping bags and talking to Sophie via telephone about this weekend’s Aloce Show Staff Retreat, which apparently involves drugs.

And then, Alice enters the domicile.

Yes I went to the Grove and no you can’t have my Cheesecake Factory leftovers

Shane stands right up and immediately apologizes. Alice notes that this is a lot of naked people on her bisexual velvet couch.

Hey Al actually I just wanted to ask you about this pillow ’cause I really love it and think it’d look great in my backseat if I ever have to sleep in my car for any reason

Over at FiSoMiMar’s, Sophie’s packing for her trip in her bedroom and Finley is in a different room, having found herself a great car on Carmax, where Car Buying is Reimagined! Despite being in a committed serious relationship involving cohabitation and daily communication, we’re supposed to believe that Finley’s completely unaware that Sophie’s going on an overnight work retreat this weekend until Finley enters the room where Sophie is packing. I will be subpoenaing records of all communications between Sophie and Finley from the 3-4 days preceding this moment as I simply cannot fathom how this has taken place.

Do you think these are gonna cover my entire buttcheeks or just kinda rest … mid-ass?

But this misunderstanding is necessary to enable Finley to have the expectation that Sophie would have time today to give her a ride to pick up her new car from Carmax, where the Love Your Car Guarantee helps you find a car that truly fits your life! Finley’s passive-aggressively irritated that Sophie’s unable to be her personal chauffeur, so much so that Sophie immediately concedes, offering to skip the retreat so she can give Finley a ride. This is relatable to me ’cause it’s the kind of offer I regularly made when I was being codependent in a toxic relationship! I was so terrified of failing to provide my partner the assistance they expected to succeed / get what they wanted, that I’d give up literally anything to avoid letting them down. But that’s not the type of relationship Sophie and Finley are in! This is not their dynamic! What the hell is happening?

I mean sure, $3,239 is a lot to pay for a jumpsuit but it’s Christmas and you love me and there’s only one left in this size, Soph

Finley’s like, no you don’t have to do that. I’m not sure what’s going on here but I hope Carmax didn’t pay too much for this product placement.

“Enjoy your trip,” says Finley coldly, exiting the room. Who are these people??

We jet back to Chez Alice, where Shane insists she was gonna clean but then she got so busy sitting in a chair, drinking everybody’s favorite vodka brand, “Vodka,” and watching girls scissor, that she lost track of time. But she’s sorry and will immediately decamp for a hotel!

Hey why are you making pancakes I thought I said I wanted waffles

Oh I’m sorry queen, now you want *waffles*?

Fine I’ll be fine with pancakes it’s fine

Alice, dutifully cleaning up the mess while declaring her friend a mess, has no interest in this offer: Shane’s coming on her work retreat and doing ayahuasca in the desert with her co-workers. Don’t worry, Alice exposits, Kehlani is on tour Ivy’s somehow moved to New York so she won’t be participating in this trip or the trip within a trip.

And then, after rolling eastward across this great nation via desert b-roll, we arrive at the work retreat, where organic humans in beige greet Alice’s luxury van of employees with green juice and a honk of cleansing spritz to the face.

Here, it’s poison!

Sophie’s stressed and distracted ’cause Finley’s ignoring her calls and she thinks maybe she should just go home and deal with it? This is bananas.

“We are here to do team building and drugs! You’re staying,” Alice insists.

Shane puts her arm around Sophie and leans in: “Do it for the drugs.”

I mean it’s green juice you know? Like how hard is it to mix together a cup of tightly packed kale, four stalks celery, 1.5 pears cut into large pieces, one piece of fresh ginger and half a lemon (zest and pith removed)?

Alice gives an inspirational speech to her team and says she’ll see them on the other side.

“People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me? The choice is easy.”

Let’s throw our laptops in a lake!!!!!

Throughout this moment of communal cheer, Shane’s off to the side, leaning on a tree like Jordan Fucking Catalano. The Original Series Shane vibes here are so thick: the lazy gait, her whole outfit, the sunglasses, the permanent hangover, the devil-may-care “sure, stab me in the face, whatever” attitude? I love it! I missed this reclining chaos demon!

And also, her frank insight:

Shane: “No one thinks this retreat is about work.”
Alice: “What is it about?”
Shane: “You.”

As we transition into the Drug Hut the house music chants I’m gonna lose control, I’m gonna lose control, yeah!

Within a pillow-dappled yurt, Mercury addresses the group from her self-appointed position as a spiritual leader. They are here with one simple purpose: to open their mind’s eye to the universe’s life force energy!

My name is Mercury and I identify as your daddy

Ooo this is more fun than I was expecting

Mercury guides them in some brief deep breathing before distributing mini-clipboards upon which they are instructed to write down their Question for the Universe. Unfortunately, nobody draws a picture of a little bird sitting on top of a cake. Sophie’s fidgeting. Shane’s skeptical. Alice is, of course, very open to what the universe will bring her.

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b-mitzvotav, v-tzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah

So it’s Alice who we focus upon first: her thought process is conveyed to us visually through a video montage of her Gen Q relationships, set to a voiceover replaying last week’s convo she had with Shane about nobody being “right.” Here’s what Alice writes on her baby clipboard:

HAHA JUST KIDDING here’s what Alice wrote on her clipboard:

Next we come to Shane. As she ponders her question for the universe, we’re treated to a little montage of her making out with people across all three seasons of Gen Q, accompanied by a voiceover from Tess telling Shane she’s got a fucked up way of showing her love. Let’s see what Shane’s big Q is!

Hahahaa just kidding Shane already knows the answer to that one! (Yes) Here’s what Shane was really drawing:

Hahaha jk jk, this is the real one lol:

Because you’re a pyromaniac

Shane wants to know “Why do I blow shit up?” Obviously someone’s got Wax on the brain!

Next we come to Sophie, whose Thought Process Montage is absolutely unhinged, cutting from her riding the back of Finley’s bicycle from the bar to Mari saying they’re “toxic together,” followed by Finley yelling at Sophie to leave Dana’s. This is a villain edit if I ever saw one. I wonder what Sophie is wondering!

fr

Just kidding this is Sophie’s question for the universe:

Haha sorry sorry actually she was writing this:

OOPS nope nope here’s the one, it’s this one, I found the one!! Congrats to me I solved the season.

yes

Well now that everybody’s questions are out there in the universe, it’s time to drink some drug tea! Alice requests lemon or Splenda but Mercury simply smushes her fingers into Alice’s forehead, because when life doesn’t give you lemons or Splenda, you can’t make lemonade, you just have to butch up and drink your tea.

It’s time for you to STOP drinking Splenda and start letting strangers press their fingers between your eyebrows

“Cheers queers,” Shane nods before knocking hers back and then they sit waiting for their lives to change. And then the room begins to spin, and things get wobbly and the camera filter gets a little gauzy, and Mercury’s banging on her drum and Shane says, “Oh, please don’t let this turn into a musical” and then, my friends, it does!

L Word Generation Q Episode 305 Recap: Locked Out of My Mind

Hello and welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of The L Word Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a thrilling caper about a masc lesbian hairstylist who, over the course of a single afternoon’s gig at a lavish SoCal wedding venue, managed to have sexual relations with two bridesmaids and the mother of the bride while her best friend flitted about the festivities in an iconic and enduring garbage bag wedding dress.

Thank you for joining me here today for this L Word Generation Q Episode 305 Recap. This episode had some fun parts and some less fun parts and some confusing parts, just like the noted Jenny Schecter memoir “Some of My Parts.” It also took me a billion years to write for some reason, an effort that is likely not reflected in its quality. But most importantly NEXT WEEK IS GONNA BE THE MUSICAL EPISODE AND I AM SO EXCITED FOR IT!!!!!

Also for A+ members: me and Drew and Analyssa are doing a watch-a-long of this episode at 6pm PST today (Friday, December 16th) on Discord!

We open at Chez Alice, where our favorite fashionista is about to wear a $300 sweater and $600 pants to a cinema date with Shane, an event that will involve consuming buttery popcorn and soda pop in the dark. Unfortunately her beloved gal pal Taylor will not be attending because she has to work at her Liberated Coffee cart. Coffee doesn’t liberate itself, you know?

🎶  Hello, can you hear me? I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be 🎶

At the Shess Shack, Shane — who’s packing up Patty’s things for what I presume is a move to the nursing home — hangs up on Alice as Tess emerges from downstairs, deeply engaged with her portable mobile device. She’s uninterested in speaking to Shane or asking her any follow-up questions about what it was like to hook up with Kehlani.

Here, I framed all of our broken dreams for you

But then, nature’s restless eye intervenes upon the stony silence simmering between these two lesbians! A rogue bumblebee begins darting about their kitchen and Shane is called upon by Tess to capture it. Amid this hubbub, we learn that the relationship has entered “Oh We’re Doing Bad Faith Assumptions Now” territory — Tess yells at Shane not to kill the bee (they’re endangered) and Shane’s offended Tess would assume she intended to kill the bee. (She doesn’t kill the bee)

MISS, FOR A DOLLAR, NAME ONE MAN

UM UM UM UM UM UM

FOR A DOLLAR JUST NAME ONE MAN!!!!!!

Anyhow, bada bing bada boom they release the hectic insect into the great outdoors. Shane’s unclear why Tess was being so extra about the bee —

Shane: Are you alright? We survived.
Tess: [Sigh of relief]
Shane: Are you allergic? I’ve just — I’ve never seen you act like this.
Tess: I don’t know, maybe. [Pause, walks to the door, gestures at plants] Those plants need watering.

But unfortunately, Tess cannot open the sliding glass door that leads back into their home because it is locked. They are locked out with nary a cell phone between them! Tess yells for the neighbors — only Shane knows their names — to no avail, and Shane foolishly attempts to inspire their dog to learn basic motor skills and open the door.

I really don’t think I should keep trying to twerk this is already very embarrassing for everyone involved

Alright then, Tess sits down. You wanna talk? It’s time to talk.

Does anybody know what happened to the swimming pool that used to exist on Shane’s balcony estate patio (I don’t know the words for the parts of a rich person’s home)? Asking for a friend.

Cut to the hallowed halls of California University, and into a dormitory room, where Angie’s pondering an offer, via text message, from her grown adult professor, for them to “go away in a few weeks.” Hopefully he’s planning to book them a room at the St.Regis Hotel Toronto, so Bette and Tina can come over and smack him in the face.

Hmmm IDK Avery and JoJo still kinda look like they’re together in some of these cruise pics

Before Angie can confirm or deny her approval of this terrible idea, Bella arrives home: she slept with a boy who has a cute butt in his baseball pants and now Bella has a condom stuck inside her. Honestly I’m sad it wasn’t a 7-day old tampon.

ANGIE I JUST GOT CAST IN A STUDENT FILM AND THE SCRIPT IS SO BAD HOW CAN I GET OUT OF IT

We then venture back to FiSoMiMar’s, where Finley and Sophie are having The Talk about Sophie having sex with someone else! Sophie says she met Dre on Hinge, which she joined after Finley told her she was leaving rehab for Sober Living “up in the bay” and Sophie got lonely. When Finley asks if Dre is hot, Sophie says “no,” which is not only a lie but a risky one! Lesbianism is a niche activity and Finley works at a lesbian bar, there’s absolutely a 0% chance she’ll never meet Dre in real life!

Why did you hook up with someone you don’t think is hot

Finley, these answers don’t work if you’re gonna ask me follow-up questions, this is a face-value conversation

Furthermore, Sophie says they only had sex once but hung out twice, which feels like a contradiction to Maribel referring to Dre as the person Sophie was “fucking,” actively. I’m curious why Sophie’s lying — to protect herself OR because you can lie about a fact to get at an emotional truth OR because she doesn’t know what else to do besides lie OR is this a misguided attempt to protect Finley’s sobriety? Regardless, I do like Sophie’s shirt and appreciate that she prepared a charcuterie board for the occasion.

Here, you might be able to swallow my sexual activity with another person a little easier if you are swallowing a wafer cracker with fig jam at the same time

We then cut out to some Los Angeles B-roll before returning to the very same location upon which our story last took place, FiSoMiMar’s, but with a new storyline to address on the first floor of their gorgeous villa: Micah told his Mom about Maribel and she’s totally cool with it!

Also I found this backpack on the street wanna find out what’s inside it

Maribel suggests they celebrate, and Micah agrees: perhaps they could look for a sperm donor? Mari was gonna suggest “organizing the tupperware drawer” so, yes, this plan sounds even more exciting!

Micah: Maybe we could be wild and do both?
Maribel: Can we be in bed by 9?
Micah: Maybe uh…. maybe 8:30?
Maribel: What a dream!

Adorable!

We return to the Shess Shack Patio, where things are not going well. I’m going to just declare this a Lesbian Squabble for the record and then move forward with my recap.

Lesbian Squabble #9: I’m Like a Bird, I Always Fly Away
In the Ring: Shane vs. Tess
Content: [Ongoing]

Tess knew about Shane’s bad reputation but dated her anyways, and now wants to know if this is really who Shane is. Shane says she didn’t mean to hurt Tess, and Tess wants to know why she did it. Shane doesn’t know why, it’s just an old pattern, like calico or plaid. Tess suggests Shane take this Locked Out opportunity to think about her life and her choices.

Back at California University, Bella reveals that she puts in a tampon like she’s about to mount a wild horse and also she cannot get this condom out because everything is so slimy! Angie uses google to discover the possibility of a fix enabled by a hooking motion and Bella requests Angie’s hands-on assistance.

No I didn’t plan my shirt to match with our curtains why do you ask

Meanwhile at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Dani is for some reason listening to a voicemail on speakerphone on a public street — and said voicemail reveals that sadly, our hot bad friend Roxy has caught the first airplane to Costa Rica. But as one love flies off into the sky, another appears: it’s Dre, here to save Dani from being plowed over by an errant scooter.

I’m so glad I ran into you I need immediate help getting my duvet into my duvet cover

They stand there in the damp evening air, gazing into each other’s eyes, overwhelmed by the serendipity of it all and by how hot they are separately and potentially also together. Probably also Dani recognizes this actor, Carmen LoBue, from their appearance in the 2011 Autostraddle Calendar!

Dre is forward (yet another hot thing about Dre) — they say they feel like they should kiss Dani right now but they won’t ’cause it’s real life and not a rom-com. Luckily for all of us, Dani is actually feeling very romantic and comic today and she leans in for the kiss!

🎶 In your eyes, the light, the heat 🎶

Meanwhile, just inside the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Finley’s looking incredibly hot, feeling frisky, and is ready for some funny business in the backroom if Sophie wants to meet her there in, say, 15 minutes?

I’ve got a SpareParts harness on underneath these pants and I’m 65% sure Shane’s got a few dildos in her desk drawer so I hope you’re ready for me to rock your f*cking world

Then Dani arrives, flushed from her rom-com moment, exuding the unmistakable energy of a person who could’ve had her foot run over and instead got her heart plowed into, but in a hot way. Sophie loves this for Dani and so do I. Then they discuss their mutual affection for the classic 2001 romantic comedy,The Wedding Planner, starring Matthew McConaughey as a handsome pediatrician who saves Jennifer Lopez from a near-fatal collision with a runaway dumpster after her Gucci heel gets stuck in a pothole!

🎶 Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam, where the deer and the antelope play 🎶

We return to Tupperware City. “Wow, we have a ton of options here,” Maribel says while looking at a website of sperm donors, which is the most unrealistic thing anybody has ever said on this show!

$1495 FOR ONE (1) VIAL OF DONOR SPERM MY GOD

Unfortunately for all of us here, “finding a sperm donor and attempting to conceive without a partner who produces sperm” is now a process I am intimately familiar with and therefore I have about ten thousand questions about the representation of this situation vis a vis Micah and Maribel, but I will withhold them at this time so that I can get this recap published before sunset.

Meanwhile at the cinema, Alice has her two buckets of popcorn and is finding her seat in this mostly-empty movie theater set. Shane, of course, is nowhere to be found and isn’t answering Alice’s texts, which doesn’t alarm Alice quite as much as it ought to, because there are bigger fish to fry here: amongst the smattering of extras hired for this scene, Alice spots a familiar face she was not expecting to encounter: IT’S TAYLOR, CLEARLY ON A DATE!!!!

How on earth is she laughing at somebody else’s jokes when I am right here with a whole pocketful of ’em

watermelon watermelon watermelon

L Word Generation Q Episode 304 Recap: Last To Know It All

Welcome to the fourth recap of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about a super-fan of a lesbian tennis star who aggressively pursued a romantic relationship with said tennis star, moved into her apartment, killed her cat, got engaged to her, began planning their wedding as the world’s first corporate sponsored lesbian wedding and then left her for Melissa Rivers.

This week’s episode brought us the best of times and it also brought us the worst of times. It was mostly really really wonderful but there were some scenes I didn’t love so I would like to warn you off the bat that in this L Word: Generation Q Episode 304 Recap, “Last To Know,” I have a LOT OF OPINIONS! Fortunately, I no longer have covid, although my girlfriend still does have covid. Laughing loving coughing breathing coughing dreaming. You know the drill.

Well, it’s spooky season in Los Angeles, which we know because the lyrics to the episode’s opening track are “it’s spooky season.” We see skeletons baking in front yards, doors decked out with pumpkin lanterns and, finally, at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, some seasonal decor in the background of what appears to be a brunch date between Sophie, Finley and Dani. Before Dani arrives, Sophie warns Finley that Dani’s likely in a delicate spiral of depression.

And then I was like “Dani, if you don’t stop listening to Phoebe Bridgers you’re going to kill yourself”

But the Dani that walks through the door to Dana’s is in no such dark place. She is radiant, her eyebrows are full, her pants are high-waisted, her midriff is exposed, her separates are coordinated and she’s jazzed that her friend Roxy’s coming to town any minute now to join her in “going hard” for Halloween.

Hey besties guess who found a Xanax in their nightstand!!!

Sophie explains to Finley that Roxy is Dani’s “bad friend.” You know the bad friend!

Sophie: Last time [Roxy] was here you guys ended up in an orgy in San Luis Obispo.
Dani: That was actually a leather party in the valley and it was fun!

I love this for Dani. While Finley, who’s nailed a few jokes in this convo already, is describing how she herself is generally the “fun friend,” Roxy arrives earlier than anticipated. Dani screams. Roxy calls Dani “D-Bag”? I’m calling security.

TRICK OR TREATTTTT !!!!!!

Roxy’s played by Paula Andrea Placido, a queer actor you may recognize from playing Hannah’s hot subletter in Hacks and Debbie’s hot bartender in Shameless.

The sweet buzz of an electric toothbrush ushers us into Alice’s boudoir, where my favorite Alice outfit of the season thus far is so cute that Taylor — in a gauzy Aerosmith tee and joggers with adorable bedhead — is immediately intimidated by Alice’s seemingly effortless togetherness, referring to herself as a “Walking Dead extra.”

Apparently Taylor and Alice have been doing the horizontal mambo for three days and now Alice wants to decorate her house for Halloween on the day of Halloween so they can stay inside and watch horror movies.

Okay so I know it’s a little bit niche but I was thinking what if we dressed up as Rockford Peaches???

I’m not sure if that’s quite as niche as you think, buddy

Alice dashes to the kitchen to make Taylor some coffee. “Do you have any —” Taylor begins before letting the final words “contact solution” fade into the ether. Taylor, Alice wears glasses so therefore Alice must also wear contacts and therefore definitely has contact solution!

Meanwhile at the Shess Shack, Shane has transformed Peppermint Patty into Dolly Parton and she looks fantastic. Also Shane made breakfast. Unfortunately, Shane did not give Patty a spoon!!! How is she supposed to eat without her spoon?????!!!

What do you think, you’ll be Dolly Parton and I’ll be kd Lang and we’ll record “Honky Tonk Angels” live at the Hollywood Bowl

Tess is unmoved by Shane’s costuming skills and ignores her questions about their dinner date that evening because she’s too absorbed with her own business — such as a meeting with the contractor for ill-advised Bar #2, taking her Mom for a walk around the reservoir and remembering what her Mom wore for Halloween last year.

Yoo-hoo, you have 90 more seconds to acknowledge my existence or I am going to cheat on you

Maribel is an avocado! Micah is not an avocado, even though Maribel wanted him to be an avocado. They’re gonna go meet the “only trans and non-binary parents that [they] know” and Micah thinks he won’t be able to ask serious questions about raising and birthing children if he is dressed like an avocado.

WHERE’S MY OTHER AVOCADO HALF

Can’t I just be toast

We then return to the sullied unhallowed halls of California University, where we’re meeting Angie’s roommate, Bella, not to be confused with Bella Swan or The Bellas from Pitch Perfect. Bella has a big announcement: she just got her first ever paid gig as an actor and she needs Angie to attend her performance that very evening! Angie lies that she’s gotta study and can’t make it, which means she’s obviously hanging out with her teacher/boyfriend.

Wait didn’t they already do this storyline in Grown-ish except the teacher was being played by your friend Shane?

Did that … end well for them do you remember

Indeed, we are then treated to some kind of academic situation where Angie’s pitching a project and then the class ends and she approaches Hendrix Hendrix with remarkable confidence and yanks on his shirt. “How do you always smell so good?” he says to my daughter Angie while I ride a scooter into a lake used as a dumping site for toxic chemicals and whisper as I drown, it was my time to go.

We cut to a Halloween party chock-full of tiny humans, aka children, where Maribel and Micah have arrived. They’ve barely crossed the threshold when a child vomits on Micah’s shoe and is immediately swept up into the arms of Maribel’s work friend, Reese (played by non-binary actor Armand Fields, who you may recognize from Queer as Folk and/or Work in Progress), and they are both in dinosaur onesies which is really cute! Also I have never heard someone speak my own name in a scripted television program before and it’s very strange!

Finders Keepers!!

…and then AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN we meet Reese’s partner. Max.

How the hell did they convince you to come back

Sometimes the only way out is through

For those of you who are new to the program, Max Sweeny (played by Daniel Sea) is a character from the original series:

Jenny and Max in Episode 304 of “The L Word”

Max served as an introduction to trans masculinity for a huge swath of mid-aughts queers, which was good in some ways but also bad in many ways because the stories they wrote for him often perpetuated dangerous and insidious stereotypes about trans people and also were very othering and sad!

Daniel spoke to Drew at length about their experience on the show in 2021, and I’m just so grateful that a space was made for his character to come back and exist and be held and honored and treated with respect and dignity and given a full life and a happy ending, to be a trans elder for Micah. I teared up for all of that! (Also, Drew interviewed Daniel about this episode and you can read her interview with Daniel Sea right here!)

Um so, Angie and her teacher are in costumes and that makes Angie think nobody will recognize either of them and therefore they can hold hands.

Come on, let me show you the art installation Jodi made for my mother

He says his novel was a flop and nobody read it but of course Angie has been listening to it on audiobook when she could be reading something else, like Sisterhood is Powerful. They happen upon a haunted house and Angie’s dying to head in and convinces this man to come with her. Hopefully a ghoul will leap out at him and whisper in his ear “don’t date your student” and then a witch will cackle like “hahaha you think your novel’s bad wait for your disciplinary hearing hahahahaha”

Well, the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern is full of celebrants in resplendent Halloween costumes. But Dani, despite claiming earlier that she intended to “go hard” for Halloween, has opted for the world’s most basic Halloween costume: a sexy cat. Roxy is dressed as a person in a white muscle tee with a bunch of white makeup on her face. (I think she’s a vampire, I noted fangs later in the episode.) Despite their collective failures to summon suitable costumes, they will be shortly tearing into Sophie’s very creative hand-made costume! But first, Roxy comments on Shane being very hot, Dani says Shane’s got a serious girlfriend, and Sophie mutters “she’d probably sleep with you anyhow.”

Wait isn’t that the girl from those Hugo Boss underwear ads I plastered my locker with in high school

Finley says no way, Shane and Tess are basically married, as if cheating is not a very popular activity for married people. Sophie leans in closer to her bartender beau and says she “kinda saw something” the other day and Finley brushes her off as absolutely bananas. Finley, by the way, is looking fantastic in what I am going to assume is a James Dean in “Rebel Without a Cause” costume:

C’mon toss me a Junior Mint, it’s Halloween

Dani and Roxy get sent drinks from a stranger and Sophie’s curious why she’s been overlooked for free beverages — yes she has a girlfriend but strangers don’t know that — which her friends blame on her costume.

“Come on,” Sophie says. “Are you kidding me right now? Look at this shit right here. Look at this gangsta shit. I am raining cats and dogs! Come on, it’s funny!”

Like… y’all know just wearing a tank top and being hot isn’t a costume right?

Sophie spent all day at Ross making that costume but her alleged friends say that “less is more” as they lead her into the back of the bar to ruin what I think is a masterful work of design that belongs in the display case of a local 4-H art show.

We then return to the Kids Halloween Party with Reese and Max and TBH I have known about Daniel Sea returning to this program for MONTHS and it has been KILLING ME to keep it a secret so I’m just really glad we are all here together finally.

Actuallllllly, I know something SUPER interesting about lobsters

So, in Daniel Sea’s 2021 interview with us, they did talk specifically about the pregnancy storyline in Season Six, and the show’s election “to leave Max pregnant and abandoned and never to have the resolution, comfort, and joy that could have been.”

Later on in the interview, they elaborate:

I didn’t even realize the joke was on me, because I just kept being so earnest like “oh my God how cool he’s going to be pregnant! He’s going to have a baby! That’s so cool! He will have a bountiful life!” Then all of a sudden they have him dressed up like Willy Wonka and everyone’s making fun of him. It felt extremely confusing and awful. I didn’t expect it to go this way. I kept being hopeful. I was still naïve about that world.

Now, Max does have a bountiful life: he notes the “gay cis guy” who left him pregnant and alone who turned out to be “the worst,” and they explain that two of their other kids were Reese’s from their first marriage and then they adopted Phoenix from foster care. Micah asks about the names they use for themselves as parents — Reese is Damba, Max is Nibby, and:

Max: Yeah we just sort of figured — Dad’s just a sound? I mean the meaning is just made up.
Maribel: That’s really funny because for the longest time I thought “Dad” was just a person my Mom made up, so!
Reese: Same, honey… but girl you gotta get rid of that shit before the baby comes. Trust me, it’ll hit you when you least expect it.

Actually yeah, she does seem to think dating a therapist is a good substitution for going to therapy

Reese and Max talk about how helpful therapy was for them as individuals and as parents in a relationship, how it helped them get on the same page and ensure they had similar values. Micah is on board for this line of thinking but Maribel immediately withdraws.

The L Word: Generation Q Episode 303 Recap: Quiz Showdown

Welcome to the third recap of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about an elderly dog teetering on the very lip of death who is adopted by an unhinged writer in a depressive spiral about a negative review of her memoir in Curve Magazine who has decided to cope with said review by forging a connection with the small animal veterinarian currently dating the reviewer, leading to the writer taking the dog to the veterinarian girlfriend to be euthanized and subsequently managing to manipulate the reviewer into believing she has a coveted assignment from a prestigious magazine that inhibits her ability to spend the weekend with the veterinarian, thus enabling the writer to swoop in, take the veterinarian on a romantic dinner date and then to a hotel suite to remove each other’s tops where the writer has a revelation and wants to come clean about her duplicitousness when the reviewer shows up and forces the vet to realize the writer was lying about being a marine biology student which in turn inspires the writer to confess that actually she did write a short story about manatees once, so it was a little bit true.

My friends, this week I received a gift that was not a gift at all, it was in fact a virus known as Covid, and let me tell the 25% of you who’ve not already had COVID: it’s pretty unpleasant! Then of course my girlfriend got COVID and her COVID has been even worse than my COVID! Luckily I did power through this recap in small chunks with what I can only describe as a strength bestowed upon me by the Left Hand of the Goddess.

Before we get into the recap if I may, for a moment, share a personal story: on Wednesday morning while my coworkers were wondering if I was dead, I was sitting in the bathtub with the shower on (which is a clear sign of physical and mental wellness) when I got a message informing me that my recaps had been mentioned in that day’s new episode of Kate Moennig and Leisha Hailey’s beloved PANTS podcast. I thought “Oh cute! I didn’t know they read the recaps! I wonder what they said!” and popped it right into my earholes. And my friends, you could’ve knocked me over with a box of Kleenex, I smiled so hard my face and heart actually exploded!!!!!! At the risk of sounding very sentimental about what is essentially [way too many] years of my inner monologue as I watch this TV show about hot queers in LA who make interesting choices, it’s thrilling and validating as hell to have your work not just acknowledged but really seen and felt and appreciated by the people who create that work. I did briefly wonder if I was having a fever dream! I won an award in 2008 from the Hyperhidrosis Society for writing an article about my sweaty armpits for Marie Claire magazine and believe it or not, hearing this conversation was way more of an honor than that. What should I wear when I do my guest appearance on PANTS? Lmk.

We open in the dark chaos of night following Episode 302’s car accident. Gigi’s in a neck brace on a stretcher in an ambulance and her emergency contact, Nat — having apparently beat the traffic that thwarted Bette Porter earlier that same evening — is there at Gigi’s cot-side.

This sweater is even weirder than that weird turtleneck-solo-with-sleeves sweacessorie you wore last season

It’s a neck brace, Nat

Then, an errant EMT somehow shoves Nat forward in a way that presses Nat’s lips into Gigi’s lips? Then, Nat kisses Gigi chastely again, unencumbered by gravity’s restless intervention into the fate of this former union. Before this tomfoolery can continue any further, Dani clambers up into the ambulance. They’re letting anybody in now, Gigi’s third grade teacher’s probably right around the corner.

Please tell me you weren’t re-kindling a romantic connection with your ex while I was stuck on the 405

After a restless 1-5 nights of sleep, it is again morning and it’s not just any old morning: It’s The Aloce Show‘s 100th Episode!!!

So I was thinking we’d seat your ex-girlfriend here, and your ex’s ex on the other side here—

Alice is particularly stoked for the Dating Show segment during which three (3) humans will compete for Alice’s heart and she’s confident that of these three (3) humans, one could be her soulmate! In an effort to seal that deal, Sophie has confirmed that 0% of these three (3) humans are associated with any cults, mixed martial arts or improv. That last one is particularly important in Los Angeles because if you date someone who does improv they might expect you to attend an improv show and that could ruin a perfectly good evening you might otherwise have spent doing a jigsaw puzzle from Target while watching New Amsterdam with your chihuahua.

Alice moseys over to the Liberated Coffee Cart where we meet Taylor, played by Joey Lauren Adams, best known to The Community for her role in the controversial lesbian-falls-for-a-man Kevin Smith vehicle Chasing Amy as well as for notable roles in Dazed & Confused, Mallrats, Big Daddy and The United States of Tara.

So all of these muffins have weed in them or just some of them?

GREAT Q

Alice is a little attracted to Taylor, perhaps ’cause Taylor’s attractive and has an adorable scratchy voice, but Taylor’s too consumed by her own normal-ness to pick up what Alice is subtly laying down.

Alice: Are you gonna stay and watch?
Taylor: Oh, no, I’ll have to stay and overanalyze this conversation for two hours, so.
Alice: Why, it’s going so well?

Immediately Taylor has become the most relatable character on the program! Alice tells her to stay — it’s nice to have real fans in the audience and not just tourists who thought they’d signed up for Ellen.

It’s a productive day shift at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern and Finley’s got her laptop open, hesitant to hit “submit” on her completed application to the California State School of Hospitality, where I can only safely conclude she is looking to get a degree in restaurant management and eventually study abroad at the Olive Garden’s Culinary Institute of Tuscany. Shane saves Finley from taking this monumental step by showing up with a sledgehammer and an invitation to go “break shit” at Bar #2.

C’mon kiddo this year we’re chopping down our own Christmas tree

We then transition into a hot masc dance-off to Genuwine’s club classic “Pony,” a longtime staple of the lesbian cover song community, which my girlfriend immediately declared “the best three minutes of the entire series.” Then she took a break from Covid coughing to make me these gifs!

I could’ve absolutely watched three additional minutes of this but alas, the fun is over: Tess is here and she’s wearing the worst jeans I’ve ever seen in my life.

Look I’m sorry if the sparkle on my pants “hurts your eyeballs” but how else is everybody gonna know I’m the femme

Tess is upset that Shane has taken initiative to “break shit” for free prior to tomorrow’s scheduled demolition. She’s very stressed out because of the terrible idea she had to buy a second bar for no reason. I think she’d feel otherwise if she’d seen the dance scene!!! Isn’t it every gay girl’s dream to see the person you’re currently sleeping with grind against someone you had an ill-advised one night stand with?

Anyhow Tess is very stressed out, probs mostly because of this terrible idea she herself had to buy a second bar for no reason.

Lesbian Squabble #6: Demolition Derby
In the Ring: Tess vs Shane

Content: Finley enthusiastically invites Tess to partake in the smashing, but Finley’s ceremonial whack of the wall punctures an apparent free-standing water pipe hidden in the drywall, and water begins gushing from it like the flood in the Torah. Shane attempts to fix the leak with her own body:

Unfortunately I think the proper method is actually this:

Tess fails to appreciate how hot Shane looks soaking wet in her muscle tee with a sledgehammer and gripes to Shane that now Tess will have to miss Alice’s show so she can sit here and wait for a plumber. Shane says there’s no need for Tess to wait for the plumber, she and Finley can take care of it!!! Tess says them doing it is how they got into this mess to begin with!!! Shane says she’ll get out of Tess’s way, then! SO THERE

Who Wins? Ivy

Over at Dani’s Castle in the Sky, Dani’s prepping to leave her still-ailing girlfriend to orchestrate The Aloce Show’s 100th Episode when Nat shows up, apparently summoned by Gigi to “help her get ready.” Dani’s clearly irked by Nat’s arrival — and sure, it’s slightly disarming that she wasn’t warned of this arrangement, but I wish we had some clue why Dani’s so insecure about her relationship with Gigi this far into it, or what the last 15 months of their relationship has looked like. All we’ve seen Dani and Gigi do this season is fight about Nat. Seemingly Gigi’s been raising her kids with Nat this whole time, you know?

Do you think we’ll get another sex scene, at least?

It’s not looking great for us

Gigi’s on a lot of drugs but not so many that she’s unable to summon a desire to practice her favorite hobby of directly addressing a recent emotionally complicated event. On today’s agenda: the kiss in the ambulance.

“Honestly, it was nothing,” Nat shrugs it off, not wanting to make things messy. “Right?”

I mean, why break up you and Dani when I could simply join your relationship in the capacity of an erotic third?

I had a feeling you might bring that up

Come along, fair academics, as we venture back into the hallowed halls of California University, where Angie’s stoked for her first day of classes and chatting with her Moms on the phone about how Jordi keeps texting and disrespecting Angie’s boundaries.

No I’m not gonna download Find my Friends so you can follow me at all times that is super weird it’s not my fault you moved to Canada without a work visa and have nothing to do

Angie has barely unpacked her backpack for her first day of the deeply imaginary freshman class “Introduction to Creative Writing” when she realizes the boy she kissed at the art show is in fact… Ezra Fitz Hendrix, her new teacher!

Well, definitely not gonna be telling any “your mom” jokes today

Back at The Aloce Show, Alice is basking in the glory of her pre-show presents, for example Shane has framed a 2005 edition of The Chart and Tom sent her a basket of Bic pens, which enables some Tom exposition: he proposed, she turned him down, and they’re still good friends.

Incredible. Not only have they erased Jenny from our collective memories but from the chart, too

Elsewhere in the annals of The Aloce Show, Dani and Sophie are running through the event outline. Sophie gets an update on Gigi’s well-being and then gamely invites Gigi and Dani over for dinner in some imaginary future where Dani isn’t still mad at Finley. Dani gives a hard “maybe.”

And in this room we’ve got 45 pizzas from Alfredo’s Pizza Cafe and we have kidnapped the delivery boy and also there will be a swan made out of ice

Back at the Jenny Schecter Memorial Tavern, ‘Ol Sparklepants arrives with Misty, a Homo Depot lesbian she’s acquired to fix everything up really good. (Misty is played by queer actor Heidi Sulzman, who was the lead in Marja Lewis-Ryan’s play “One in the Chamber” and also appeared in Marja’s film 6 Balloons.)

Finley insists she remain with the plumber so Tess can move along with her day, but Tess says she’s already arranged to meet with her sponsee here.

Wow so Finley really put up glow-in-the-dark stars on like every free inch of that ceiling huh

Although Tess does not say this specifically, the fact that this is a pre-scheduled sponsor/sponsee meeting that involves The Big Book suggests that the intention is to do step work. Finley says it’s no problem, she’s got the book and a highlighter and can handle this meeting herself, which doesn’t make sense!!!! Finley is not this person’s sponsor or, as far as we know, anybody’s sponsor! It would’ve only taken a line or two from Tess to reconcile the gulf between “whatever is happening here” and “whatever would actually happen within the paradigm of AA” but instead they are content to let me BE ANNOYED.

“Go be with Shane,” Finley implores her.

“I was … way harsh on her earlier,” Tess acknowledges. Well, we all remember what happened the last time Shane’s girlfriend was harsh on her for 45 seconds:

The L Word Generation Q Episode 302 Recap: Los Angeles Traffic Jam

Welcome my dearest friends to a fresh, pre-chilled recap of the second episode of the third season of The L Word Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a meditative mini-series about getting your vagina rejuvenated and the iconic exes you run into along the way. This L Word Generation Q Episode 302 recap is chock-full of high-stakes drama, great outfits, high-brow art and low-brow art!!

Every season of this program I remember anew what a delight it is to write about and consequently discuss with all of you here in the comments!!!

We open where we departed: Bette and Tina playing tonsil hockey in the living room, their innocent brokenhearted daughter Angie walking in upon them, looking for solace regarding her split with Jordi and finding instead that her Moms are looking for solace in each other’s gaping maws.

I’ll have you know your mother and I had fantastic sex while she was pregnant with you

Didn’t ask! Don’t wanna know!

Bette and Tina attempt to play it cool but fail immediately. “Are you seriously gonna act like I just didn’t see? Just — ew—” Angie shares before turning around and going right back to school!

And then — Bette and Tina, who haven’t had sex with each other for a significant number of years and are wet as the Everglades for each other, let Angie walk right out that door, rationalizing that they’ll talk to Angie tomorrow, NBD. And then they check in that this is real and not a mistake and then they return to the beating heart of L Word Fandom: boning each other.

Sexy Moment #2: Did You Know That This is Bette & Tina’s 11th Sex Scene of The L Word Franchise
The Players: Bette and Tina
The Pick-Up: “I mean it feels so real to me.” // “Yeah it is real.”
Content: Bette leads Tina into the bedroom because that’s what Bette does, she leads, and they undress each other and Bette’s got her hands running over Tina’s body like it’s a work of art she wrote her thesis about. “It’s been a long time,” Bette says. “I’m… different.” But Tina says she’s so, so beautiful and Bette’s like NO YOU ARE. Okay you both are!! What a Feeling!!

We then move gamely forward across the river and through the woods to where Gigi and Dani are starting the morning out with a piping hot cup of Fighting.

Lesbian Squabble #2: Step by Step
In the Ring: Dani vs. Gigi

Content: Nat wants to get to know Dani a little bit before allowing her to move in with her ex-wife and potentially corrupting her children — Eli and Olive, notorious L.A. Times cover stars best known for vomiting into a crock pot. Dani is somehow insulted by the prospect of having dinner with Nat.

“You have to stop making me feel bad for having kids,” Gigi says. Dani wants Gigi to stop talking to her like she’s a child! Gigi wants Dani to stop acting like a child and so do I.

Then, Gigi’s phone buzzes because of course Nat is calling Gigi at this moment, which causes Dani to leave in a huff, filled with the righteous anger of a person who does not have children and clearly does not understand what having children entails, perhaps because her father is a monster.

Who Wins? Gigi because she’s right and Dani is wrong.

Back at the Shess Shack, Tess is trying to seduce Shane into buying the second bar! She’s whispering about how well their bar’s doing, how it’s the only lesbian bar in L.A., and just imagine… what if they had two lesbian bars… right next to each other… in the same neighborhood…

“Oh, it would be so glam,” Tess whispers, incorrectly.

Look at this beautiful womb all it’s missing is a second bar

“Are you manipulating me?” Shane asks, reminding Tess that she wasn’t born yesterday as she flips Tess over, returning to her rightful throne as East Hollywood’s Top Top.

Did I ever tell you about the time I burned down my own hair salon / skate park

Shane is very gently reminding Tess she simply needs time to think about it, but Tess is firmly opposed to calm, rational decision-making and negotiation. In fact, she subsequently takes a call regarding an inspector coming to check out the property that afternoon. I think Shane’s best next move here, in response to Tess’s accelerated action plan for an idea Shane has yet to approve, would be to buy the second bar and then sell it to Chuck E. Cheese.

Over at FiSoMiMar’s, Finley’s also making big moves: she built an easel! For game night! A beloved pastime of the sober community! I love game night, especially when everybody realizes how fun it is to follow the rules, which I know by heart. Sophie agrees with me that game nights are cute. Also Sophie hopes Finley’s good at games because she “sucks… at losing.”

Why yes this wood was once being used for a chair but now it’s an easel and I think that’s more fun for the whole family

Finley wants to invite Micah and Maribel which pushes Sophie to acknowledge that womp womp actually Maribel hates Finley! So maybe they could just do some one-on-one Pictionary? Finley, possessing a social confidence that is perhaps the exact opposite of my own, is certain she can fix Maribel’s loathing by simply putting in some “hang time” with her. “I’m gonna easel her into it,” Finley ker-pows before heading upstairs.

Surprise for everyone, though: Maribel heard the whole convo! And she is a soft no on game night.

Can you just subscribe to the Hulu no-ads plan because those commercials are so loud and they are ruining our morning sex

Sophie quickly convinces Maribel to put her aversion to Finley aside and give herself over to the joy of sober group gaming and Maribel relents. Sisterhood is powerful!

When you want to go where everybody knows your shipper name, there’s only one place to go: The Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern. Bette and Tina arrive hand-in-hand, full of promises about open dialogue and taking it slow, and Alice and Shane are, once again, pretty stoked.

The fans are gonna LOVE this

So this is what those TIBETTE ENDGAME billboards in Palm Springs were screaming about

However, it turns out Bette and Tina’s fingers have been too far up each other’s vaginal canals to give their own daughter a ring to learn why she’d stopped by on her first night of school. Uncle Shane’s got the scoop: Jordi dumped her. Well, Bette Porter never liked that girl, not from the very beginning!

Ivy texts Shane that she’s “still waiting on [her] haircut” which is like, ok everybody calm down. Anyhow, tonight is Marcus Allenwood’s post-mortem gallery opening, and everybody’s coming including Alice and her “age-appropriate date,” an actor who was in a Marvel movie or maybe a DC movie because what’s the difference you know???

No Bette I’m positive it was you who said you could never date anyone who thinks “Love Actually” is a good Christmas movie

She said what?

Alice ducks out to take a call from JoJo Siwa’s people and Bette and Tina don’t know who JoJo Siwa is which somehow inspires a conversational tangent about how Alice lives in an imaginary world of unicorns, rainbows and Oompa-Loompas? Which honestly is a much better description of JoJo Siwa than Alice but I digress!

Game Night is here and Finley is getting the festivities off on the wrong foot by congratulating Marbiel and Micah on the “goo-goo-gah-gah” baby? The baby that:

1. Micah has not consented to having
2. Neither of them have taken any concrete steps to create
3. Sophie told Finley about in confidence

“It’s gonna be cute, a little combo of both your faces,” Finley continues down this intermediate-intensity hike off a cliff. “Wait no. You’re gonna have to choose. How are you gonna choose? You guys both have such good faces?”

Don’t forget we have a leather flogger upstairs and I am not afraid to use it

Copy that!

The thing about any two people who want to make a baby together is that truly no congratulations are in order until like week 16 of an actual pregnancy because you know, so much can go wrong. And for two people who don’t produce sperm, it can also be incredibly expensive! Luckily on this show everybody is rich, even the poor people.

“Look, we’re not having a baby,” Micah interrupts Finley.

“We’re just talking about having a baby,” Maribel clarifies.

And then Finley does the Finley thing — where when she fucks up she declares herself a fuck-up and sulkily exists the room. I look forward to Finley perhaps learning some more mature methods to dealing with self-loathing and social errors at some point.

Maribel flicks a piece of food at Sophie and chastises her for having a big mouth.

We then journey to the storied Zakarian Gallery, where Bette and Dani are outside in the soft pansexual lighting of a hot night in the city, discussing Dani’s recent success as an event planner. But Dani wants to get personal — “I asked Gigi to move in with me,” she tells Bette. “But she said we had to talk to Nat about it first. As a trio. She’s lost her mind!”

By “as a trio” do you mean “as a throuple” as in there is a chance that perhaps the three of you could revisit throupling, because I think the people at home would really enjoy that

Bette is like yeah babe, that’s called parenting, get a clue! Bette points out that Gigi’s not prioritizing Nat, she’s prioritizing family, which’s something Dani should want in her partner. This is excellent advice, which Bette follows up with honestly incredibly intense inquiry: “The question is: are you ready for that? Are you ready to be a parent?”

We then shoot back to FiSoMi’s, where a riveting game of Pictionary is underway — Sophie’s sketching a bird and a piece of matzoh? — and Micah is reminding Maribel that he’s only 28, and Maribel is reminding Micah that he has mentioned that a few times.

I hope you’re paying attention because my girlfriend is doing an amazing drawing of a chickadee going grocery shopping

Ta dahhhhh

“My Mom had me when I was 26, look how I turned out!” says notoriously mentally stable sketch artist Sarah Finley.

“My Mom had me when she was 24 and look how great I turned out!” I, another notoriously mentally stable person, say to the television set.

The squabble that subsequently unfolds between Micah and Maribel takes a few scenes to play itself out. But it begins right here right now:

Squabble #3: Baby Baby Baby
In the Ring: Micah v Maribel

I love this snippet of dialogue:

Micah: “Did you ever think that I might wanna carry?”
Maribel: “No” […] “Do you?”
Micah: “No. No but that’s not the point. The point is that you didn’t think of me!”

In the background of this exchange, Sophie and Finley are crushing at Pictionary but unfortunately nobody cares because of goo-goo-gah-gah.

When the sun hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s AMOREEEEE

The L Word Generation Q 301 Recap: Last Year I Gave You My Heart

Welcome to the first recap of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show that asked and never quite answered the question: Nipple Confidence?

My friends, it is an undeniable thrill to be back here in this space with you, writing Generation Q recaps, nose-diving head-first into a long-awaited frothy sea of Sapphic Chaos. As you know, Angie still has her kidney. Let’s dig in.

As the moon resigns and the sun wakes to rise, as the tides ebb and flow, as hurricanes gather and storms fill the clouds, as babies are birthed braying into the sanitized hospital air and tennis players are given fatal illnesses and left to die while their exes make small talk in a hospital courtyard, as wars rage and peace screams for attention, as the stars and LAPD helicopters light up the night sky and parents tuck their children into bed, so too do Bette Porter and Tina Kennard return to one another, over and over again, forever and ever, as predictable as the aforementioned rising sun, as inevitable as a tornado’s restless eye. And we, mere mortals, bear witness to this clash of legends, to The Song of Bette and Tina, Chapter 75, Verse 16.

As you recall, dear reader, we last left these fine young cannibals at a pivotal moment. Pippa was stepping out of a shiny car into her Fancy Art Show Debut, looking fantastic. Bette was at home but on her way out to meet Pippa — adorned in a killer white powersuit and armed with a penchant for sending conflicting romantic signals — when Bette opened her very own door to find a surprise guest on her doorstep. It was not, unfortunately for me personally, a Girl Scout selling cookies. Instead, it was the one, the only, the formidable TINA KENNARD.

We return to exactly that same spot: Bette dressed up to go out, Tina entering the foyer.

I can’t *believe* you almost hooked Angie up with one of those scammy college admissions consultants who place students on niche sports teams to get them unearned spots at elite schools

Well to be fair Tina I was too absorbed in my own personal drama to pay attention to the news cycle that year

Tina’s got one question for Our Lady of Porter: “are you in love with me?” I think we all know the answer to this question (yes). Tina chastises Bette for destroying her romance with Groupon Queen Carrie — a woman for whom all of us would lay down our lives — but defers Bette’s offers to fix it. Because there’s no fixing the fact that Tina is — just like you! — in love with Bette Porter.

Tina: “I’ve loved you my whole life.”
Bette: “And I’ve loved you all of mine.”
Tina: “I just wish that you were fucking better at it.”

Tina storms out. Bette does a good old fashioned primal scream:

TINNNAAAAAAAAAA

And her voice goes out into all of the earth, her words echo across the canyons of the world!

We then leap into our DeLoreans and race down the runway into a whole entire year later, where Alice is engaging in sexual intercourse with a mysterious alleged member of Generation Z I have identified as “Teddy,” played by Chris Renfro, who played Daddius in the short-lived Peacock reboot Queer as Folk. I love this crossover episode and a classic silly Alice sex scene.

Ok tiny kisses are cute but can you go back to the big thrusts

Sex Scene #1: Why Don’t You F*ck Me On Your Livestream
Participants: Alice & Teddy
Materials: He wants to f*ck her face! He wants to watch her f*ck her clone! He wants to f*ck her on his livestream! Alice says yes to everything except the livestream, because she is famous! Good on Alice for setting boundaries.

We then transition into an enormous apartment that quite possibly is the apartment Shane’s had all along but newly redecorated. It is hereby christened The Shess Shack. Last we left these two, they were 11 days into their relationship and Tess had announced her intention to move to Las Vegas to care for her ailing mother and subsequently asked Shane to come with her to Vegas.

It’d appear that they listened to our podcast and therefore chose a far superior, third option: bringing Mom to Los Angeles. You know what I always say: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it’s your Mom getting sick and then she should come to Los Angeles.” So we meet Tess’s former showgirl Mom Patty, no relation to Peppermint, who is played by Joanna Cassidy (aka Margaret Chenoweth on Six Feet Under, my favorite show of all time).

Come a little closer dear I just wanna feel for myself if your shirt is one mutil-colored t-shirt or three t-shirts combined into one t-shirt

Tess and Shane are in a tizzy regarding an MS Society Fundraiser they’re hosting that evening and Shane’s manhandling an assortment of prescription medications for Patty when Gloria the nurse arrives.

Tess’s attempts to canoodle with Shane in the living room are rebuffed by Shane, who is too modest to make out in front of people’s Moms. Everybody knows Shane is much better at making out with people’s Moms, hey-o! Anyhow, Shane and Tess shuffle into the lower level of this behemoth residence to steal additional sexual moments together.

Did you steal my peppermint chapstick again

Even safely downstairs, Shane’s still uneasy about having full sex right underneath Patty, but Shane cannot resist Tess’s wiles and eventually caves to the makeout. I just dropped a blueberry on the ground and I’m not sure where it is or if I’ll ever see it again.

Speaking of hot people being hot, we dash on over to Dani’s Castle in the Sky, where Gigi and Dani are looking extremely hot and lightly teasing the prospect of a top-off before Gigi gets off Dani’s top, announcing she’s gotta dash due to a traffic situation in Los Angeles, the innermost circle of hell. Specifically, Beverly is down to just one lane! Dani has a great idea to fix this chronic civic issue: Gigi should simply move in! I’m going to run for mayor of Los Angeles on this exact platform.

C’mon we’d have so much fun as roommates I could make you fresh coffee every morning—

Babe shoving a Nespresso pod in a machine isn’t making fresh coffee

Dani expositions that this has been the hardest year of her life — I imagine perhaps this is related to the ambiguous incarceration of her father, Lex Luthor — and Gigi’s been there for her all this time. Most L Word relationships transition into cohabitation immediately so bravo to them for taking it slow.

“Of course I wanna live with you,” Gigi says breathily, before delivering a crushing blow: she’s just gotta check with Nat first! Because of the kiddos. This feels like an extremely reasonable next move, but Dani’s face suggests she doesn’t agree with me on that.

At last we are now returning to the esteemed California University: the former employer of Bette Porter, legendary dean of the art school best known for banging an intern (Nadia) and the visiting artist (Jodi Lerner) and then cheating on Jodi with Tina (Tina), thus inspiring Jodi Lerner’s unforgivable video art installation “Core.” It appears Angie is joining the Cal freshman class, hoping to one day appear in an alumni newsletter with Brandon Walsh, Nadia the Intern, and Zach Morris.

Why do I look more hungover than all of these college freshmen

Alice, exuding a post-coital glow from her romp with Teddy, is extolling the virtues of Gen Z — they’re hot! they’re smart! they’re bi! they don’t want the white picket fence! — in what feels like a self-soothing mechanism. She concludes that she was ahead of her time, and I agree. Shane’s bummed about a makeup artist cancelling for their MS fundraiser and Alice volunteers her Glam Team, thus saving the day.

Hark, look who’s here!

Oh THAT’S why the registrar asked “any relation to Bette Porter”

Angie asks where her Moms are which bring us to the best part of every season premiere that occurs after a lengthy time jump: EXPOSITION!

Firstly: Tina and Bette have been in touch this year, but mostly regarding logistics such as college tours.

Secondly: Shane’s all “domesticated” and grown up now that she’s living with Tess and caring for Peppermint Patty Chenoweth. (I changed my mind and decided there indeed is a relationship to Peppermint Patty.)

Thirdly: Bette’s been doing a lot of “personal work” of her own and “reflecting.” Furthermore, Tina is fine, totally fine, and not feeling even remotely weird about apparently seeing Bette for the first time in a long time.

Okay, soooo which one of you two told Angie the best way to make new friends at college was to sell weed

“Speak of the devil,” Shane gestures towards the resplendent entrance to the University Drop-Off-Area as Bette Porter herself pulls up in her Tesla, gazing at Tina as Tina gazes at her, radiating effortless calm and cool which is immediately disrupted by a careless child recklessly parking her car directly behind Bette Porter’s car and subsequently ramming it right in the rear.

Stand back I think Heads Will Roll Kroll is heading our way

Shane, Alice and Tina assume Bette’s gonna unleash her documented road rage upon this poor soul, but this is new Bette! Evolved Bette. I’ve Done A Lot Of Personal Work Bette. When the student emerges crying from her car, Bette has nothing but serene words to share: “the only thing you have to do is hold compassion for yourself and enjoy move-in day.”

It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re not the first crying freshman to realize they’re a lesbian after being held closely to my chest

Ladies and gentlepeople, I would like to introduce you to…. THE NEW BETTE PORTER:

As Alice and Shane head upstairs with Angie and her possessions, Tina remarks fondly that she’d expected Bette to “bite that girl’s head off.”

“Well, we’re all gonna die,” Bette recites my own personal life philosophy. “So what’s a little bumper?”

You might not know this Tina but actually Bed Bath & Beyond does these coupons for 20% off everything in the store

Over at FiSoMi’s, Sophie’s panicking about Finley’s impending return to her home and into her arms, as apparently Alice paid for Finley to not only attend rehab but also sober living, both events consuming the entirety of a calendar year. Amid her compulsive rearranging of objects, Sophie finds a cute small box atop a dresser and pops it right open.

You ALSO keep all of your baby teeth in a tiny box???

It’s a ring! It’s true: Micah’s gonna pop the question to Maribel!!! But before we can get into the details of this premature predicament, FINLEY’S HOME!!!

Well you are … just as hot as I remembered

I know

Finley drops her garbage bag suitcase and embraces her one true love, Sophie Suarez, who immediately spills that Micah’s gonna propose to Maribel, and Finley greets Micah, and everybody is home again. Most importantly to me: #SINLEY IS STILL ON.

Sophie and Finley relocate to a local civic park to discuss Finley’s experiences in rehab, which she testifies were just like 28 Days. Finley’s pretty bright-eyed about her sober future, certain she’s ready now to give Sophie what she needs, and Sophie’s trying her hardest to believe in this bright turnaround, too.

Not wasting any time or conforming to the actual guidelines for amends in the AA program such as asking for Sophie’s consent to be amended upon at this moment — Finley unpacks a square of paper containing her ambiguous apologies to Sophie and begins to read.

Remember when you said your first night back you wanted to drink a bunch of cran-raspberry juice, put on Radiohead and make out, is that still in the cards or—

Oh yeah. Big time.

Finley confesses that when they were together she couldn’t see Sophie or consider her the way she’d like to, which was because she couldn’t see herself. “I’m sorry you had to take care of me and I’m sorry that I couldn’t see that the intervention was an act of love,” says Finley, which is a really generous re-framing of a truly unhinged intervention, and also re-writing history because we actually rarely saw Sophie taking care of Finley, usually she was just as drunk! “I’m sorry that I haven’t loved you the way you deserve to be loved, because you really deserve to be loved, well. Thank you for saving my life because you did, but you shouldn’t have had to. But thank you.”

C’mon lemme feel the forearm muscles you developed playing table tennis in sober living

Now that this amend is done and dusted, Finley moves on to discussing her optimistic plan for the future: she’s gonna get a job with benefits and a car and maybe go back to school? Sophie congratulates her on this unrealized dream. Finley promises to always be honest with Sophie and they laugh and kiss and roll around and it’s super cute and I hope that after this, perhaps off-camera in some tender night of the soul, they sit down and talk about how Sophie can support Finley in her sobriety and what this means for their relationship in general!

Back at California University, Shane and Alice are imploring Angie to call them if in need, while Bette and Tina are hovering, trying as always to resist the urge to plow over Angie with their overwhelming need to hold her extremely close while also respecting her independence as an autonomous human being. They offer her cash and then, in the grand tradition of mothers with smartphones, try to corral Angie into a selfie. She wisely refuses.

And remember if any sketchy characters on campus try to give you a lollipop, it’s probably fentanyl

The Moms have just begun their exit through the hallway when Angie pops out and calls them back for a hug, to tell them she loves them. Bette is crying. It’s very cute.

Tina, who previously told Shane she couldn’t attend tonight’s benefit, asks Bette if she’s going to the benefit and when Bette says yes Tina turns her frown (no) upside down (yes) ’cause she’s got a big fat lesbian crush on The New Bette Porter! Despite her professional success, ultimately Bette’s always been a bit resistant to acknowledging that she still has work to do on herself. But her newfound dedication to that work is giving Tina the ability to feel hopeful about their future for the first time in a long time. Maybe this time getting back together will be less like “returning to their old ways” and more like “growing up together.”

Then Bette gets a call — it’s Pippa, who’s doing a show in South Africa, and Tina tries not to have a visible emotional reaction to this call. She mostly succeeds.

The L Word Generation Q Episode 210 Recap: Last Call For Wherewithal

Welcome to the final recap of the second season of The L Word Generation Q, brought to you by the same network as The L Word, a show about Dos Equis beer and all the reasons a lesbian might be driven to drink one.

As we come to the final episode of this season I just want to say that it has been an honor and a privilege to dissect this show with y’all every week and even though the past three episodes have been pretty rough (and yes, I am including the finale in that number), I will be devastated if Showtime does not renew it!  (Speaking of things that will devastate me if they are not renewed: WE’RE DOING A FUNDRAISER FOR OUR FUTURE HAVE YOU HEARD?) I read all your insightful and hilarious comments and remain pleased that this franchise continues to be a point of connection and community for us as lesbians but also for us as bisexuals, queers and otherwise-identified people. I love this cast and these characters and these actors and want to see them continuing to live their messy problematic lives!

I would also like to inform you that unfortunately I have indeed written an entire post tracing the bizarre and inconsistent timeline of this season of television, it is 40 million words long.

As we say on the pod…. let’s get into it!

We open in what Finley will eventually accurately refer to as “a surprise party with really bad vibes,” where all of Finley’s fans have assembled to stage an intervention, a very logical next step following all of the preceding steps they’ve leapt right over with the gusto of Olympic long jumpers.

Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the plot holes I cannot change, courage to change the inconsistencies I can, and wisdom to know the difference

Sophie seems hesitant, perhaps because she knows Finley better than the rest of these yahoos and knows she’s not gonna respond well to a group confrontational approach! “It seems fast,” Sophie accurately points out. “I don’t wanna scare her and I don’t wanna force her to go if she’s not ready.”

Shane insists there’s never a good time to do this, and Tess says not to worry, Finley for sure will go to rehab. Has anybody tried like, talking to her one-on-one? First? Before um, rehab?

Look, my cousins did this for my uncle Bill and he hasn’t had a drop to drink since they put him in the straightjacket and hauled him off to rehab. I swear.

Thus Finley arrives home from soccer, flushed and sober and bitten, to find all her friends in earth tones humming around her living room like paternalistic flies.

Before Finley enters the room, Micah pulls her aside and says, “I’m a social worker so I have an actual educational background on this topic and I’ve made you an appointment with a therapist at the LGBTQIA+ center who specializes in addiction and is trained in CBT and MET, wanna shower up and when you’re ready we can swing by Trejos on our way?”

JUST KIDDING MICAH DOESN’T SAY THAT LOLOLOLOLOL

Here’s what actually happens: everybody sits down, tells Finley they love her and are worried about her, and invite her to attend an Alice-financed rehab at a beautiful oceanside vista, replete with pool and a Top Chef runner-up concocting delicious meals! Alice is ready to drop around 40 grand on this kid okay. Finley says she doesn’t need to drink spa water by a pool to get her shit together, which is one way in which Finley and I are different.

Shane: Okay then what do you need?
Finley: Nothing, I had a bad night. Okay?
Micah: It wasn’t one night.
Finley: I’m in my twenties, I fuck up like somebody in their twenties. I mean what the fuck were your twenties like?
Shane: No no don’t do that—
Alice: My twenties were amazing.
[Shane swats Alice]

Honestly, she’s not wrong! Like so many of us, Shane was actually drunk and/or on drugs for a significant chunk of her twenties, and, like Finley, went straight for alcohol at the slightest sign of emotional upheaval. Upset that she told Carmen she didn’t want a relationship so now Carmen is in a different relationship? Get this woman a beer and some pills!

Upset that she left Carmen at the altar? Time for cocaine and vodka and literally crashing a car into a cement wall beneath a highway overpass!

Upset that she fucked Nikki on the balustrade of Yamashiro and now Jenny’s mad at her? Drink up and pass out on a weird chair!

But Shane didn’t get a DUI or pee in Dani’s hallway, and that’s all that matters obviously. Anyhow, nobody’s gonna share any new information that might illuminate for Finley why they’re so troubled by her drinking, even though I personally shared many examples of her problematic drinking behavior in prior recaps.

We love you so much. And that’s why it pains us so much to see you in this downward spiral. I mean, Tina? Look at your feet.

What?

Ok um, right here it says, “True/False, right now I am wearing fuzzy-wuzzy slippers.”

Generally an intervention is an absolute last resort, when all prior avenues have been exhausted and the addict has failed at multiple sobriety attempts. Furthermore, an intervention serves as an opportunity for the addict’s friends to share specific, detailed reports of how the addiction has impacted them and the repercussions for the addict if they refuse the offer of help. So: even in a scene centered on a type of meeting devoted entirely to providing a rich, multi-layered portrait of the subject’s addiction, we don’t get it!

Finley says thanks but no thanks, and Sophie sadly watches her go.

We cut to Pippa’s Topanga Canyon retreat, where Bette and Pippa are lying in bed for a little morning tongue kissing and to discuss the impending CAC opening. “I love it when we step out together all fly,” Pippa says. Bette asks if Pippa would like to attend the going away party Alice is throwing herself tomorrow evening but they’re interrupted by a phone call from the one and only Tina!

I’m so glad you called I was just about to get into a healthy relationship

Pippa asks if Tina’s coming to Alice’s party and how Bette feels about that, and Bette says she feels fine and then makes the grave personal error of adding, “I’d feel a lot better if you came with me.” She means it affectionately but the delivery reveals a paradigm Pippa finds alarming — is she merely a prop to enable Bette to feel like she’s over Tina?

All the cozy cabin feels! Our soft flannel you know and love now $34.99 at American Eagle

The gulf between how Pippa and Bette handle relationships is well-lit here. Pippa plays with chaos and uncertainty in her work and prefers stability and clear outlines in her personal life. Bette finds order and power in her work — even her unrestrained emotional response to the art she loves is reigned in by plugging that artist into the familiar structure enabled by the Art Business — and revels in mess, impulsivity and uncertainty in her emotional life. She constantly charges head-first into relationships she’s plainly unready to show up for, and she’s never prioritized “getting over Tina” as a pre-condition to make commitments to others.

“I’m nervous about you two,” says Pippa, who looks distractingly hot as she pulls on an oversized flannel and shares her chapstick with Bette. Pippa’s dialed in to her instincts and her instincts tell her she’s flirting with danger regarding the inevitable draw of Bette’s moth to Tina’s flame.

It’s chapstick for chapstick lesbians! There’s an article about it!

Back at Bette’s very own home, her teenage daughter is obsessing over preparations for perhaps a school trip of some kind and her girlfriend is like, hey babe are you okay about this show introducing Marcus Allenwood as a season-long arc only to simply murder him

It’s okay, nobody’s plot has made sense after episode 207

Jordi’s curious if Angie wants to attend Marcus’s funeral, but Angie refuses, saying she’s not his daughter, she’s not anything to him, and she could’ve saved him but did not.

Do the writers of this show not care about my kidney donation?

It kind of confuses me, because I thought we were in a community of service-oriented people

Jordi tells her that it’s not her fault and they embrace. I love supportive teen love!

We cut to an important building, where Gigi’s distracting Dani from the impending trial by prepping Dani for an upcoming meeting with her family, full of delightful characters including her favored brother. Also, Dani shouldn’t tell Gigi’s family that they’ve slept together.

Wanna try my cup of poison?

A heckler tells Dani that her Dad is guilty, typical city hall stuff. The most important thing about this scene is how hot they look together in their outfits. Dani says she’s fine and will do great in court today because she has been PREPPED within an inch of her life. I wonder what the trial is about

Lesbian Sexy Moment #14: Morning Os

The Players: Shane and Tess

It’s the cool clear light of day and two hot happy naked lesbians are in bed fucking and eating each other out! Tess lifting her leg up to put her ankle on Shane’s shoulder so Shane can fuck her deeper is like real good stuff right there and everybody’s having a very good time and then for some godforsaken reason Tess interrupts this bang session to say that they should fire Finley because otherwise they’re enabling her.

Shane thinks Tess should be the one to do the firing because she’s nicer. They giggle and fuck about it before Tess has gotta take a call from her Mom. Tess reminds Shane they’ve gotta hire a new GM because (surprise!) Tess is planning to move to Vegas to be with her Mom.

Tess Van De Berg, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad woman between her thighs… Mum… Hi.

Shane seems open to Tess’s proposal of a long-distance relationship but then Tess plows further forward, with a leap towards commitment that feels unearned — Shane, who’s struggled all her life with finding a place that feels like home but has made one for herself in L.A., could move to Las Vegas with Tess.

Back to The Aloce Show, where our favorite Bisexual Talk Show host has dressed up like Julia Child for an undoubtedly exciting segment with Paul Hollywood. Alice tells Sophie she’s welcome to stay at her luxury apartment if necessary, but Sophie declines. “I’m not doing that to her, she doesn’t deserve it,” Sophie says, perhaps mired in guilt from the unsuccessful intervention.

Alice volunteers to speak to Sophie further on this topic if necessary but is then interrupted by the arrival of Tom, who announces, full throated: SAY HELLO TO A CIS MAN NAMED TOM! I laughed!

Just a straight cis man out here supporting queer media!

Tom: “I can’t wait to explain to my momma what cis means. You see that elbow right there? That elbow is the elbow of a man who is officially in a power couple.”

Sophie asks if they’re gonna celebrate the article and Tom announces that yes indeed, they are doing the swan boats! I’m thrilled to hear this news because I know someone who had full lesbian sex in a swan boat and now I’ve had an opportunity to share this news with all of you here!

I can’t wait to find parking at Echo Park Lake

Alice doesn’t wanna go but Tom’s stoked to get Alice away from her Google Alerts and on that note, Alice passes her phone over, only for Tom to be immediately alerted of a very bad review in The New York Times that suggests Alice should’ve “stayed in her lane.” Alice immediately lashes out.

Squabble #36: Read It and Wept

In the Ring: Tom vs. Alice

Alice is blaming Tom for the bad review that inspired her to deviate from her lane, and Tom is responding exactly as I would respond — by not realizing that Alice is seriously actually getting mad at him about this.

Alice: It says I should stay in my lane, that’s what it says. You know who pushed me out of my lane, Tom?
Tom: That would be me!
Alice: I didn’t want to veer out of my lane, Tom, no, because I have a very successful talk show that is very firmly in my lane.
Tom: Absolutely, but in the grand scheme of things—
Alice: I’m gonna go.
Tom: But what about the swan boats?
Alice: Fuck the swan boats! Fuck the swans, fuck their friends!

Who Wins? Not the swans!

L Word Generation Q Episode 209 Recap: Last Dance For Buried Pain

Welcome to the ninth recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about an adorable Pomeranian named Sounder II who enjoyed wearing mauve bows, disappearing when convenient, taking inflatable rafts to Tulum and peeing on the table.

I wondered if anything could be worse than last week’s episode, and luckily Episode 209 “Last Dance” was not worse than last week’s episode. But it bears remembering precisely how low the bar was for that!

We open outside of the California Arts Center, the world-renowned former host of “Provocations,” an art exhibit which inspired counter-protests from religious conservatives which inspired Bette and her progressive friends to create a human chain to protect the controversial artists attempting to enter the building against formidable odds — a situation that eventually landed Bette Porter in jail overnight where she got to have IRL phone sex with her secret lover, The Carpenter. Today the CAC is hosting a different kind of protest — it’s not conservatives protesting the artists, it’s artists protesting the museum.

When the circulation bell starts ringin’ Will we hear it? NO!

Everybody’s raided the markers + posterboard section of the nice CVS and come out kicking against the Núñez family, who have bestowed a massive endowment upon this museum, thus upsetting our very own Bette Porter and her girlfriend, legendary artist of the canyon, Pippa Pascal.

When you got a hundred voices singin’, who can hear a lousy whistle blow?!!?

AND THE WORLD WILL FEEL THE FIRE AND FINALLY KNOW!!!!!!

The artists chant “Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Núñez has got to go!” Pippa embraces Bette and tells her “this will be your legacy.” I would like to suggest that perhaps it is also Pippa’s legacy because it was her idea?

After a slip of B-Roll displaying the billboard for Alice’s book, cleverly entitled Don’t Ask Alice, we cut to the charming lounge of the Marriot, where a hot reporter from Out Magazine who is probably better at responding to emails than I am is interviewing Alice about her memoir.

I was especially compelled by the section of your book in which you describe getting fingerbanged at the opera by former mayoral candidate Bette Porter—

Um, I uh, thought it said I was fingerbanged at the opera by former city councilman Bev Sporter—

This writer has got very hard-hitting questions such as, “were you hoping to inspire anyone with your book?” Her follow-up question is more of a statement: she notes that a big chunk of the book was about Nat, and then asks if Alice is seeing anybody now. Alice finds herself immediately flustered.

“Come on, who’s the lucky lady—” the interviewer prods.

“I think you’re gonna have to wait until the second book to find out,” Alice says.

Cut to a lil ol hospital where Angie’s sitting with her Moms nervously awaiting the big face-to-face with her donor, Marcus Allenwood, and entertaining prom-related chit-chat with Mama B and Mama T, the latter of whom cannot believe Angie’s old enough to go to prom! Bette can’t wait to see Angie in her suit!

Sorry I just… was remembering this hilarious Goofus and Gallant cartoon from the Highlights magazine I was reading before you two yahoos showed up

Angie relays that she’s borrowing cufflinks from Carrie, and Bette offers her own cufflinks, but listen, Angie is wearing Carrie’s cufflinks okay? Cufflink Chat is interrupted by the arrival of Kayla’s Mom, Sheila, who pulls Bette aside for a VERY brief one-on-one. Bette returns from their discussion with the news that Angie’s not gonna be able to meet Marcus today because his family has been “struggling with this kind of in the way that we were before and they’re still kinda going through it and she seemed really really sorry but today is just not a good day.”

They couldn’t track down the actor who played Marcus Allenwood?

Well he wasn’t exactly an actor…

We then jet back to the Marriot where Sophie’s experiencing ambient anxiety and carrying a lot of binders and confirms to Alice that she doesn’t have anything in her teeth.

No cocaine anywhere, you’re sure?

“I think I’m gonna have to come out as bisexual, again,” Alice laments.

“Well, at least you got a 12-week book tour to get it right,” Sophie says, presenting Alice with a list of hosts who could fill in for Alice during her hiatus, including Rachel Maddow!

I know she’s not your first choice but have you considered the blonde woman with the windswept hairstyle from your season of The Look?

Don’t tell me that bitch is gay now

Then Sophie asks if Alice has heard from Finley at all, but Alice has not — the last time she saw Finley was at the launch party the night before. Alice suggests that perhaps Finley took a wrong turn on a scooter, as drunk Birders are wont to do. Sophie tries to laugh it off but her devastation and genuine concern is all over her sad beautiful face.

Um, if I were Sophie I would be losing my absolute mind and I’d be having a level 10 meltdown about Finley’s disappearance and probably I would’ve called all of my friends to come meet me on a random street in Los Angeles to help me hunt her down. You know, like this:

Famously, a prime location for lost children

We cut to a resplendent morning in a mysterious ground floor location in which Dani and Gigi are having strawberries for breakfast and Dani’s losing it over Bette Porter’s protest making the cover of the LA Times. Gigi reminds her that Bette was almost mayor, so she probably knows people who know people. Remember that reporter Bette went on a date with at the end of Season One? I wonder what happened there.

I have been watching that squirrel out the window all afternoon and I swear to G-d it’s up to something sinister

Dani’s got a hot evening ahead of her, though: attending Eli’s recorder concert with her gorgeous girlfriend Gigi! Gigi, a woman after my own heart, promises Dani she’ll bring edibles for them both to enhance the sound of music. Gigi reassures Dani — who isn’t hurt re: Bette, simply angry re: Bette — that she’ll find a way to spin this little tiff because that’s what she does so well!

Babe, at the end of the day you are the one who gets to have sex with ME so I think no matter what, you’re winning here

At Bette’s Hollywood Dream House, Tina and Bette are prepping for a pre-prom party and Angie is actively mad at them because Marcus didn’t want to meet her. I do honestly enjoy the Bette and Tina Parenting Together scenes, even when they are inevitably riddled with tension.

“Do you think you fought hard enough for her back there?” Tina asks about Bette’s convo with Sheila, noting that Bette generally wins fights of that nature. Bette says it wasn’t a fight, just a woman being protective of her dying husband, and Tina and Bette have JUST started to fight about whether or not it was a fight when Alice shows up bursting with school spirit! She loves prom! She went all four years!

Did you bring the hummus and carrots I asked for?

I sure did but also, wait til you see the LSD I bought from the guy at the fish counter

Tina: What did you bring?
Alice: Oh, booze! (pulls out a bottle of Absolut Vodka)
Bette: Alice! They’re teenagers.
Alice: Bette it’s PROM.

Anyhow, Alice is gonna make herself a martini!

Meanwhile Dani’s knee deep in trial prep, answering questions about whether or not her Dad was a good Dad and if he ever lied to her about anything. In the dead center of a generous statement about his worthiness as a father, Rodolfo charges into the room yelling about The LA Times cover story.

“The ‘Logan Roy School of Journalism?’ What’s next, the ‘Jack the Ripper Women’s Health Clinic?

I’d consider it

Dani says her contacts at the CAC have assured her that if they lay low, it’ll blow over. Rodolfo says there are artists out there protesting their own art! “Make it go away,” he commands.

Let us now return to Porter’s Pre-Prom Party of a Lifetime at Bette’s Hollywood Dream House! Jordi’s struggling to properly affix a boutonniere while Angie complains about Bette not fighting hard enough for her to meet Marcus. Jordi softly suggests Angie save her anger for tomorrow because you cannot be angry today, not on Prom Day! Angie smiles and says she’ll give it a whirl, but the look she gives her Mom shortly thereafter suggests she is not trying very hard.

Hold still because if I accidentally prick you, you could possibly fall into a deep sleep from which you can only be awoken by your true love’s kiss, and I might be busy

Tina asks Alice to deliver Carrie’s cufflinks to Angie, and Alice tells Tina she had a super wonderful convo with Carrie at Poker Night 500, which took place somewhere between one day and ten years ago. Tina’s relieved to hear this, having been worried that Carrie would have a rough night, but Alice puts her legitimate fears to bed, insisting that Carrie had a blast hanging out with Shane.

And the buns she got with the Groupon were like MASSIVE and you know how Bette feels about oversized buns

Guess who’s here? It’s Shane and Tess and everybody’s stoked to see their fave ship sail through the doors exuding mutual shared affection.

Um, why are all the children in the foyer on acid?

Everybody’s so very happy for Tess and Shane. Bette is disappointed to learn that Shane’s contribution to the party, like Alice’s, is alcoholic — she’s brought an entire case of Heineken.

Shane: Bette, it’s prom!
Alice: Thank you.

I mean sure, but eventually, Donna Martin did graduate

Sophie, who apparently loves the law and is not wallowing in consistent low-level internalized homophobia that would prevent me personally from asking the cops if they had my girlfriend, rather than my close personal friend, in custody; is sitting in her car calling the cops to see if they have her girlfriend!!! In custody!!

Hi yeah I’m just wondering if you could deliver an Earl Gray bubble tea and a Nutella crepe to um, my vehicle?

Finley famously does not have a car and it seems unlikely the LAPD would throw a white girl with an address into the clink for public intoxication so I’m not sure why Sophie’s first call is to the sheriff but okay! Anyhoo, the nice lady on the phone informs Sophie that they can’t file missing person reports on adults unless it’s been a full 48 and apparently it’s only been 36 hours since a totally wasted and heartbroken Sarah Finley stumbled out of her house out into the cold brutal endless night.

The lady suggests Sophie tries calling hospitals but before she can get right on that, Rose, it’s time for Nana’s birthday party!

Don’t tell me now but JSYK I will be heartbroken if nobody got me an Olive Garden gift card

Maribel and Micah are in the kitchen doing party prep and Micah asks if Sophie’s heard from Finley and Maribel helpfully notes that perhaps Finley is dead in a ditch somewhere. Sophie dips out to call her ditch guy and Virginia enters the kitchen to remark that there’s always drama with Finley and also that it’s great Maribel doesn’t have to deal with any of that dating crap!

Maribel: My Mom doesn’t think that anyone’s gonna wanna date me.
Virginia: I didn’t — no I don’t — I don’t think that. I didn’t say that. [looks at Micah] Did I say that?
Micah: Um—
Maribel: Don’t say that to him!
Virginia: I want you to find love. It’s just, I worry.
Micah: I don’t think you have to worry about that.
Virginia: You’re sweet. You’re gonna make some man so happy someday.
Micah: Thanks?

Okay so if that’s not what Virginia meant, then what did she mean? Because I think that’s what she meant. And I think parents thinking their disabled children will never find love is not a story this show needs to tell or actually intends to tell, so what if we scrapped that whole scene and replaced it with literally anything else!!!! What if they talked about their favorite brand of crayons instead??

Why don’t you ask Maribel about our recent romantic horseback riding date?

You gave your entire family hard nos to several invites for horseback wine tours in Temecula but you jumped right atop a pony for this gay guy?

Did I? Or did I just point out that horseback riding and wine tours are activities that are best enjoyed separately and actually Micah is bisexual?

Micah’s like, um, does your Mom not know that we’re dating? Honestly this seems like something they should’ve gone over in the car ride there, like Harper did with Kristen Stewart.

L Word Generation Q Episode 208 Recap: Launch My Party and I’ll Scream If I Want To

Welcome to the eighth recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about a very tall and very snarky writing teacher who holds classes in a room with jaundiced lighting, lifts weights during one-on-ones with students, is sleeping with her star pupil, and eventually destroys and then elevates the ego of notoriously mediocre writer and “compulsive picker of her own navel lint,” Jennifer Schecter, leading her to explore both paper crafts and carnival metaphors and eventually get fired from a ghostwriting gig for a closeted Western Cinema star played by Fitz from Scandal.

Wow, Episode 208 of The L Word Generation Q really managed to excavate everything I hate about this fucking franchise! What happened in the writers room this week?!?! Everything had been going so well!!! This was like, Season Six quality bad. Here we go!

We open this week’s lengthy journey into despair with Sophie picking Finley up from jail, where she’s spent the evening and emerged with some insights — e.g., jail sucks — and new tasks for her to-do list: taking DUI classes, getting a point on her license and owing a fuck-ton of money. Sophie’s glad that Finley is okay but also seems concerned that Finley is actually not okay at all. The Finley who clutched her steering wheel in fear as the cop approached has been replaced with an oblivious, casual who-cares Finley who just wants a hot shower?

I couldn’t figure out why everyone in jail kept calling me “Chapman,” though, like, I told them my name was Finley??

Finley says she’ll go halfsies on the $1k Sophie paid the impound lot to retrieve her car, a proposal that clearly shocks Sophie, who emits in a daze of disappointment: “You got in the drivers seat and I thought that you were good, so—”

I’m sorry, what?!!

Listen I have picked up a person or two from jail the next morning and I cannot figure out why Sophie starts out compassionate but then immediately shifts into bewildered frustration — we’ve seen how ready she is to hold people she loves when they’re in trouble, but she seems profoundly disappointed that Finley hasn’t emerged from jail as an entirely different person while also entirely certain that she did not even play the smallest of roles in what happened. This approach isn’t a fault of Sophie’s character, but of the storytelling. And I think it would’ve been pretty easy to tell it better!

Don’t worry I’m not gonna do this for the entire recap (but we sure do do it on the podcast episode you can hear on Monday!), but for this story specifically (which features my fave character Sophie and my fave ship Sinley), I will be offering some light editorial suggestions. Feel free to skip my editorializing for you know, jokes.

Clearly the show has decided that “Misdemeanor DUI” is gonna be the turning point for Finley’s addiction issues, which is its own choice but whatever. There are two places to go from here:

Option A: Tell a story about two people with unhealthy relationships to alcohol figuring out what that means for each of them, respectively, in the wake of this DUI. Who got behind the wheel is incidental. Finley is physically and mentally addicted to alcohol. Sophie isn’t, but like so many of us (including me) she has some level of Alcohol Use Disorder, and she’s been going through a lot of emotional turmoil that has amped up her binge drinking habit. To tell this story, the show could keep last week’s driving scene, which implies a degree of shared responsibility for what happened, intact. Sophie could actually insist on going halfsies on the impound fee because Finley is struggling financially and they both made poor decisions that night. Then, from this position of shared accountability, they have to look forward at how what comes next might be different for each of them — like Sophie actually verbalizes that she’s taking a break from drinking to re-assess the role it plays in her life and relationships but Finley finds herself unable to do so. More on this later in the recap when we get to the relevant parts.

Option B: Tell a story about Finley’s alcoholism, with Sophie as the girlfriend who is trying to help Finley get help while also still struggling to take care of herself and not fall into codependence. Adjust last week’s driving scene — options include any or some of the following alone or in combination: Before the event, Finley says she’ll be DD, but gets wasted anyhow. After the event, Sophie suggests a Lyft and Finley insists, repeatedly, that she’s okay to drive, she’s not drunk at all, even though she clearly is. Establish at some point a dynamic in which Sophie might be scared to question a drunk Finley about her driving abilities, which’s why she doesn’t. (Finley’s not an angry drunk, but she could get so down on herself when challenged on her drinking that Sophie still hesitates to challenge her.) Throughout the evening, show Finley drinking more than Sophie, or doing so secretly, thus making it so Sophie genuinely wouldn’t be plainly aware that Finley couldn’t drive. Do not have Sophie initiate sex while they’re driving, or have Finley be the one to do it. Have Finley be chill about the approaching cop but Sophie is stressed because she knows it’s serious and, because she is Afro-Latinx, is a lot more scared of the cops than Finley is. I could go on.

But instead we get Option C, which is… a foggy situation in which mistakes were made on both sides leading to a DUI, nobody spending even three seconds to deliver Finley’s breathalyzer results (which are not inconsequential!), Finley joking around about jail and continuing to drink and Sophie reacting with vague distrust while Rosanny Zayas does her best to tell an entire story with her face, in the absence of, you know, actual lines. 

Cut to the legendary California Arts Center, where Dani has brought her Very Good Friend Bette Porter to show her that Nuñez Inc, a company Bette Porter openly loathes due to its investments in pharmaceutical companies that produced the opioids that killed her sister, has purchased seemingly the frontmost wing of the CAC, where Pippa’s work will shortly be displayed in the context of a Black Lives Matter Art Show.

I can’t believe they’re doing Impressionists in Winter AGAIN

Dani: Well, first I just wanna say that you mean so much to me.
Bette: Dani—
Dani: No, you really do, I really value our friendship.
Bette: So do I.
Dani: I wanted to talk to you about Gigi —
[Bette sees the Nuñez wing sign up inside the CAC]
Bette: What the fuck?!
Dani: I-uh-uh-I thought the breakup was mutual —
Bette: I don’t give a shit about Gigi. What the hell am I looking at?

Lesbian Squabble #27: Provocation!

In the Ring: Bette vs. Dani

Content: Bette, who struggled mightily to secure funding for the CAC during her tenure, is enraged at Dani for funding the CAC, due to the specific nature of evil practiced by the companies her father invested in.

Dani’s shocked and hurt by Bette’s ire and insists Bette should know who she is and what she stands for, regardless of her father’s business choices. Perhaps also she is a bit shocked that Bette is going straight to the top instead of trying to reason with Dani first.

“If you think I’m gonna stand by and let you cleanse your father’s sins on the blood, sweat and tears of the Black community, you are sorely mistaken,” says Bette Porter, leaving Dani in the dust as she marches towards the CAC to give them a piece of her mind. 

Who Wins? Leo McGarry

Were I to make a list of all the reasons Dani should knock on Gigi’s door, take her clothes off, and stick her face between Gigi’s thighs, “she’s mad at Bette Porter” would not be anywhere on that list! But here we are! It’s TIME FOR DINI SEX. And you better savor every moment of this scene like Gigi savors Dani’s bottom lip because it is one of a handful of opportunities for joy this week!

Lesbian Sexy Moment #12: Afternoon Delight

The Pick Up?

Gigi: How’d it go with Bette?
Dani: Fuck Bette Porter.

Hot or Not? They tear each other’s clothes off and crawl and bite and kiss (Gigi is a great kisser, A++ for all scenes involving Gigi’s mouth and tongue) and it’s hungry and there is laughing and switching and light from big expensive windows and it is indeed everything we want from an L Word sex scene.

Meanwhile, Bette’s gotten herself into quite a pickle with Pippa, because despite being instructed to take the utmost care with Pippa’s work, Bette instead used Pippa’s work as a bargaining chip to get the CAC to refuse the Nuñez endowment, and Pippa is not happy!

Lesbian Squabble #28: This Business of Art

In the Ring: Bette vs. Pippa

Content: Bette argues that Nan Goldin did this with the National Portrait Gallery regarding their endowment from the Sacklers (who actually manufactured the opioids, so it’s not a perfect parallel to Dani’s company) and Pippa argues that in fact she does not give a fuck about Nan Goldin.

Bette insists that this strategy is obviously a bluff, the CAC would simply never prefer millions of dollars over showcasing the work of an important Black Queer female artist!

Pippa reminds Bette, who recently had to convince Pippa to set her ethics aside and sign with a gallery owned by a noted racist person, that museums need large endowments to show work like hers. Bette says the CAC is still the museum that showed Provocations, although as I recall, Bette was the sole member of the CAC board who thought that was a good idea, and she no longer works there.

“They know they’re supposed to take a stand, I just gave them permission,” Bette says. An assistant knocks on the door to deliver the news that the CAC has taken Bette’s permission to eliminate all of her artists from the show. Pippa is understandably furious. Bette says it’s not over! She could still call Peggy Peabody! (Narrator: she did not call Peggy Peabody.)

Pippa, on her way out: “You gave me your word, I told you that I could not go through this again!”

Bette, alone in her office: “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!”

Who Wins? Nan Goldin

But like…. who was right? Pippa

Next up in the Fight Parade is Micah and our first out trans woman character on the entire show!

Squabble #29: Doctor’s Orders

In the Ring: Micah vs. Claudia

My friends, it is not every night that we have the chance to witness what we will be witnessing here this very evening: a newcomer to the ring, starting her brief tenure on this program with a celebratory battle! She’s a doctor, her name is Claudia, and she’s played by Isis King (Isis was the first trans model on America’s Next Top Model and she also appeared in When They See Us and Equal).

Micah storms into Claudia’s office furious that his client Joaquín was told by Claudia that he should start taking hormones — apparently his parents are not ‘anywhere close’ to signing off on that, and therefore the doc is giving him false hope. Claudia says that she is a doctor with a medical degree and she always has her patients best interests at heart.

Micah: I don’t disagree with you—
Claudia: I honestly wouldn’t care if you did. [gestures towards the door]

Who Wins? Claudia! A valiant debut!

Elsewhere in the heart of this pulsing city in an underground lounge lit up like a Virgin Airlines express flight from JFK to LAX in 2007, we find a young blonde ingenue who has just released a book in record time and is now hosting a launch party for said book. All her pals are there!

Server said they’re not doing Endless Apps tonight, I don’t know what happened!

Bette’s having trouble focusing on Alice because she’s compulsively re-dialing the CAC and Pippa, just like my toxic ex-boyfriend who also thought that maybe if I didn’t pick up the first 1-14 times, #15 would absolutely inspire a change of heart!

Shane says that Tess isn’t there ’cause she’s in Vegas, and they lightly tease Shane about finally sealing the deal with her crush. Alice adds, “She’s loved that girl since the moment she saw her. Unfortunately she fucked her ex-girlfriend, which sent the wrong message.”

You know that’s poison, right?

Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? It is Tom, Alice’s book editor!

Somehow, his relationship with Alice is serious enough that Alice is worried he’ll care that she slept with Nat while he was in New York… yet unserious enough that they seemingly have not spoken the entire time he’s been in New York and they haven’t established the parameters of their relationship?

Despite the setting (her book launch party) and plans for the evening (speaking on stage, her editor speaking about her on stage), Alice is considering “ASAP” as the best time to tell Tom she slept with Nat.

Tom’s happy to see his lukewarm lover and presents her with a hotel key for the allegedly swanky room the publishers have granted him. Tom tells Alice that he likes his beds like he likes his candy bars: king size. I agree because I also have a king size bed, but furthermore, I disagree because I prefer to eat 100 mini-candy bars rather than one king-size candy bar, and between bars I like to say “this is the last one!” until they are all gone.

Alice is so lukewarm in response to this offer that I want to scream. Specifically I want to scream WHAT’S GOING ON?

And maybe later we could sneak into the hotel pool and chicken fight?

Only if we can do it naked

Alice tells him that she has something to tell him but! They’re interrupted by the arrival of Sophie and Sarah “Misdemeanor” Finley. Finley and Tom share a delightful and extravagantly complicated handshake.

Sophie grows increasingly uncomfortable as Finley jokes about her DUI and the intensity of “jail people” to Alice and Tom, who are also vaguely uncomfortable.

Back in Gigi’s spacious and tasteful loft, Dani and Gigi have concluded the sexual part of the afternoon and now Dani is on the “very stressful work phone call” part of the afternoon. Apparently, Bette Porter has thrust Nuñez Inc into “crisis mode.” Gigi wraps her legs around Dani and attempts to canoodle, but Dani’s gotta go meet with legal. Gigi continues to push for a canoodle.

Yes Daddy tell me what a bad girl I’ve been

Gigi coos “do you ever say no to [your Dad]?” and honestly, she needs to save that question for the couples therapy they will inevitably one day participate in. Dani insists that in fact, she simply has a job, and now must go to do that job immediately!

EXTERIOR: LGBTQIA+ Center, where Micah’s trotting up to Claudia to apologize for their rocky introduction. Micah says he related to his client — he was once a kid with a well-meaning physician who said he could start taking blockers, and then his parents blocked him from the blockers — so the issue became overly emotional for him.

Speaking of the word “blockers,” have you ever seen the classic teen comedy Blockers?

Obviously I have seen everything on Riese’s Top Ten LGBTQ+ Movies List, I’m not a monster

Claudia’s gotta bounce but would love to talk more — Micah invites her to dinner and she asks if he could cook said dinner at his actual home and wow this escalated, de-escalated, and then re-escalated in a different direction quickly!!! Good for them.

The L Word Generation Q Episode 207 Recap: Light Me Up

Welcome to the seventh recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about a devious and vaguely Eastern European au pair named Hazel who seduces noted folk musician / “manny” Angus (despite his romantic commitment to our very own Kit Porter) by turning an innocent guitar lesson into a forum for sexual entendres and an eventual blow job, and subsequently is unceremoniously fired when their sexual activities are observed by a peeping Tina Kennard, thus leading to Kit Porter ending a musical performance at versatile venue “The Planet” by screaming “you lying lowdown nanny-fucking motherfucker, fuck you!” and throwing a mixed cocktail directly into Angus’s terrible and inadequate face.

Ah here we are, everybody is ready to let the light in for this recap of The L Word: Generation Q Episode 207, “Light.” The episode truly had its ups and its downs, with plenty of room in between for me to experience anxiety and second-hand embarrassment!!!

We open with a deep dive into an ancient Lesbian Mating Ritual, best practiced by a newly partnered pair of human subjects with howevermuch free time the kiddos have these days.

The alpha females consolidate their assets

Lesbian Sexy Moment #9: Do It Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

The Pick-Up: I think it was “All I wanna get is a little bit closer” because I’m p sure they’ve been boning ever since.

In this particular instance, it’s easy to observe how our lovers are enabled to hold a sex-a-thon not solely by geography, but also by shared high sex drive and a bounty of unreleased sexual tension built up over an extended period of time. Our mating partners are, in other words, in a near-constant state of fingerbanging, muff-diving, sexy kissing and heavy petting, in multiple locations throughout the home.

The subjects escape to a private location for further sexual activities

Everybody is having a nice time

I LOVE BUTT STUFF

Somebody bring me some water

They cannot hydrate, they cannot eat, they cannot sleep. They must only fuck! And I am in full support of this adventure. Wonderful way to start the episode! My ship is sailing with its flags flapping in the wind! I watched it more than once! I love this for them!

We then cut to a serene restaurant where everybody is wearing clothing but memories of sexual activities linger in the air as two dear friends, Bette and Alice, share lunch while noting that somehow, Gigi and Nat are having lunch in the same damn restaurant. Bette says Gigi is now “playing mind games with someone else,” to which I can only ask: qwhat???

Then he like takes Simba in his arms and HEAVES him upwards towards the sky and all the other lions and birds and shit are like losing their g-ddamn minds and Elton John is singing super loud—

We once again revisit the eternal question of: do Bette and Alice remember that they are also each other’s exes??? Anyhow, regarding Nat and Gigi:

Alice: You know what’s super weird? It’s like together they’re one big giant ex, but then one of them is my ex and one of them is your ex. Well, actually the other one is also my ex.
Bette: It’s really some of your finest work.

Potato Leek Soup???! What kind of bullshit soup of the day is that?

Alice creeps outside to share polite small talk with Nat about things that are of no immediate concern to them or me or you.

Oh my GOD i’ve never been happier to see anybody in my whole life!!!

Most importantly, this little reunion turns promptly into another kind of reunion….  A SEXUAL REUNION. This will definitely end badly.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #10: Baby You Can Ride Me In My Car

The Pick-Up: Ummmmmm probs like, “wanna bang in my car”?”

Hot Or Not? I just want to share this screenshot with you if I may?

Hello yes I’ll have the Medium Picnic Box with curly fries and a turkey sandwich?

In yet another car in another section of our fine city, Shane’s dropping Tess off at her AA meeting and discussing their upcoming Poker Event for The M.S. Society. Tess is thrilled about it!

I just can’t believe you organized an entire gala in 72 hours??!!

Shane is surprised to spot the one and only Carrie also entering the building where Tess has gone to “meet with her anonymous friends.”

Angie’s in her bedroom deciding which questions she will ask Marcus Allenwood if this show ever stops teasing us and truly grants them an actual in-person encounter, but Jordi just wants to talk about prom queen and her “look” and how they’re gonna hang in the park tomorrow.

I dunno, I kinda like genera+ion better than Euphoria

Don’t you DARE

Angie feels unsupported, because for some reason I cannot comprehend, Jordi is clearly not supporting her.

Art lovers, join me as we venture to the offices of Bette Porter, where she’s got something pretty special up her consistently innovative sleeves for Pippa: a show at the legendary CAC on the topic of Black Lives Matter, built around the one and only Pippa Pascal.

I was thinking for my portrait that I would be holding a basket, like that has the Baby Moses inside it, except instead of the Baby Moses, it would be the half-vamp baby from the beginning of Twilight: Breaking Dawn II just like peeking its tiny head out of the basket to say hello

We also hear a little background from Bette Porter regarding her connection to Pippa’s work, and it’s good stuff!

Bette: “Nothing has ever made me feel so seen as your work. And that includes the new work. I mean you are reckoning with your own queerness and your own blackness in ways that i have barely begun to unpack for myself.”

Pippa’s nervous to take the opportunity ’cause she was fucked over as a young artist, but Bette convinces her that her work will be safe and honored in Bette’s experienced hands. WINK WINK.

If I do this show, will you promise to be nice to Gigi

Bette calls someone — maybe Mr. Gallery, maybe James, maybe Tina, maybe Mr. Peanut, maybe me — to express her excitement regarding Pippa signing with the gallery, but her joy is interrupted by a phone call from her nemesis, Carrie Future-Kennard.

It’s time for everybody’s favorite weekday snack, The Aloce Show!!!! More specifically, it’s time for Sophie’s Segment to premiere and the crowd is hungry for some elder lesbian love.

This is my name, but instead of an I, it’s lips, but sideways. A-L-O-C-E.

A very nervous Sophie is watching her segment premiere from the green room when her beloved Finley arrives, straight from soccer, ready to be there for her. “They’re gonna love it,” Finley insists. “You’re the bestest and the smartest… and the sexiest… and the best kisser”

Yeah I’ve been shopping classic Calvin Klein bras specifically because I’ve found they are a huge turn-on for humans indoctrinated in the Calvin Klein is Sexy messaging of the ’90s and even though that’s not you because you were literally born in the 90s, it still plays well for many of the people at home

The Boss Man adores the segment and wants to say so straight to Sophie’s face!

Then Simba’s Mom is like holding Simba really close like this, and Rafiki comes over and breaks open a coconut and then anoints Simba with coconut oil, which is great for your skin—

Unfortunately, Sophie’s face is occupied! It’s our first Cringe Moment of the episode!

It’s the Circle of Life!

Alice luckily spots the two horndogs before Barry does, and quickly covers for them, telling Barry that Sophie’s soul is too naked for a face-to-face right now. But maybe later? Maybe soon, even!

Dani and Gigi are lunching at a food truck and Gigi, bless her communicative heart, would like to discuss emotional events that transpired in the past. She’s surprised by Dani’s response: after her horrible night and seeing Finley and Sophie together, she found Gigi’s revelation to have “shitty” timing. She needed a friend. Unfortunately I disagree, she needs to be Gigi’s girlfriend ASAP. However, props to Dani for speaking her mind!

TOSS ME A JUNIOR MINT!!!

Dani feels like things are moving too quickly because What About Bette!?!?!!?! Gigi’s confident Bette won’t care. Dani’s afraid to make Bette feel like she did with Sophie. Gigi insists Bette does not have strong feelings for her. Dani finds that hard to believe.

I’ll have you know that not only did Bette Porter string me along as a sexual partner while having no real feelings for me, but she also cheated on Alice, Tina, Jodi and one (1) game of Scattergories

I love Scattergories

Gigi scooches on over to be right up close to Dani’s body and says if that’s what this is really about, then Dani should talk to Bette.

Back on the scandalous set of The Aloce Show, Alice is scolding her young charges: ‘”Hey you guys,” says a very heated Alice. “What the fuck??!!” She relays that Barry wanted to meet Sophie but obviously could not because Finley’s hand was inside Sophie’s body at that time.

It was in this moment that Sophie realized that yes indeed the halls of The Aloce Show were haunted by the ghost of everyday queer hero Dana Fairbanks

Finley: Can this just be my fault? I don’t even work here anymore.
Alice: What is it about that couch?
Finley: I think it’s less about the couch and more about the… location of the room?
[Alice glares, Finley glances at Sophie for help, Sophie grits her teeth]
Finley: I’ll stop talking.

Alice turns on her heels and then reveals that she is Sinley Shipper #36. “I like you two together, I do,” she admits. “Big fan. I just wanna see less of it.” She demands they Febreeze the couch, and Finley’s gonna get right on that instead of getting right on Sophie. Probably?

Kayla and Angie are enjoying smoothie beverages together and discussing Angie’s relationship with Jordi, which as we know, is crumbling in our hands. Jordi’s too obsessed with prom to run over sample questions for Angie’s Very Chill Meet-Up with Marcus Allenwood. Kayla says Angie can talk to her about those things if she wants.

Wanna try a sip? It’s chock-full of goop Wellness Gut Microbiome Superpowder, Gwyneth’s own recipe.

Unfortunately, Angie has determined, without even talking to Jordi about the problem they’re currently having, that it’s time to call it off altogether!!!! She’s taking a page right out of a book that would not be shelved anywhere near the Porter Playbook, because Chapter One of that book is entitled “How To Remain In a Relationship Long Past Its Expiration Date.”

Angie asks Kayla, “Have you ever broken up with somebody before?” Kayla has not. Because she is like, 15 years old.

We arrive home at FiSoMi’s after a long day of segment premieres and sexual scoldings to find Sophie in a special mood, and that mood is “let’s address Finley’s myriad faults that she’s been aware of for their entire friendship but now suddenly has a more vested interest in.” She’s curious if Finley knows how to cook. Finley says she absolutely can and will, what would Sophie like to eat?

“I just wanted to know if you can feed yourself,” sighs Sophie, as if she has not witnessed Finley feeding herself other people’s cereal on multiple occasions.

You want me to make Frito Pie again, don’t you

Pretty Please?

Finley: You think I’m a big kid, dontcha?
Sophie: Well… you kinda sorta are.
Finley: Look, I know I’m not as grown up as Dani or whatever, but my parents kicked me out when I was 18, so it’s sorta different circumstances.

It is a stark contrast — Dani’s Stanford and USC degrees, Dani’s paid-for apartment, Dani’s high-paying job at her Dad’s company — but also, we have no idea what Finley has done between the ages of 18 and 25. Or Sophie! We know Sophie made some documentaries?

Sophie insists she wasn’t comparing Finley to Dani, but Finley wants to know the doubts Sophie is harboring. Sophie retreats, claiming, “we know each other in one way and I’m trying to get to know you in a different way.” A great save! Finley gamely accepts this re-orientation of her interrogation and opens herself up for questioning. First of all, children: For or against? Finley wants many!

Second of all, career ambitions? Finley’s dreams of being a soccer coach from two weeks ago have evolved into low-key dreams of becoming a full-time soccer referee, but she’s also “down to be a stay-at-home baby daddy” with Sophie, who has previously expressed desires to be a stay-at-home baby mommi. Finley says she’s happy for Sophie to be her “Sugar Momma.” Yikes!

While expressing a willingness to get an online degree and become a nurse if that’s what Sophie would prefer, Finley’s hands travel down Sophie’s pants and well, we’ve been here before!

can you smell the junior mints

The L Word Generation Q Episode 206 Recap: Love Shack is a Little Old Place Where Shane Asks For No Drama

Welcome to the sixth recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show that finally lifted the curtain on second wave feminism’s best kept secret: that Gloria Steinem was close personal friends with Bette Porter’s Dad.

Episode 206, “Love Shack,” is definitely my favorite episode of the season and perhaps of the entire series! Some parts were a little messy and time remains a flat circle, but boi did I enjoy myself!

We begin our journey today on a gentle pathway full of exercisers, including our very own Micah and Dani, who are pausing their joint fitness adventure to discuss more important matters: namely, that CEO Dani is attempting to make her Dad’s company ethical and that MICAH HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN.

Dani: I thought you were gay!
Micah: Same, me too!
Dani: And I thought I was special!

Come on man just toss a junior mint into my mouth it’s NBD

Dani’s got lots of questions like: 1. Was it weird that it’s my ex-fiancee’s sister? 2. Was she better than me? Then Micah relays that somehow, he’s not spoken to Maribel in an entire week?!?

Let’s pause here to imagine a scenario in which you bang your go-to person (go-to-person /ˌɡō ˈto͞o/ˈpərs(ə)n/ :  noun: INFORMAL•NORTH AMERICAN / 1. the person you text most frequently, 2. the person who would drive behind you to the car dealership to give you a ride home after you drop your car off, pick you up from surgery or have dinner with your Mom when she’s in town, 3. often a romantic partner, but not necessarily; can also be a family member or best friend) and then, afterwards, your communication goes immediately radio silent for A FULL WEEK. WHAT?!

If I were Micah I would be in the process of changing my name and putting a deposit down on a mansion in North Dakota.

DID YOU GO “HONK HONK” AND THEN SQUEEZE HER BOOBS REALLY TIGHT LIKE THIS

Furthermore, Dani says she’s been having a “pseudo-sexual friendship with Gigi” and, like so many of us, thinks about Gigi all the time. Micah wants to meet Gigi but Dani’s nervous to be In Community with their friends, particularly Sophie and Finley. Micah explains that, as established by the OCCUPY DANA’S movement, she can’t let those two kiddos own the space she’s also entitled to occupy.

“I mean, I don’t think I’d punch Finley again,” Dani ponders, “But it’s possible.”

YO HO HO It’s the ALOCE SHOW for me! Alice emerges from an enormous plastic bubble to chat with her new Bestie, Sophie. They’re bonding over their messy post-breakup lives: Alice didn’t cry in the shower today, Sophie’s not seen Finley in a week, and Alice might ask Tom to join her at the lesbian bar for karaoke night.

Inviting a straight cis man to a lesbian karaoke night in which the main players involved in 5+ queer romantic storylines will certainly be present is a great way to test whether or not your boyfriend is interested in spending eternity in what Bette Porter famously called “this little incestuous hotbed of lesbian fucking inter-connectedness.”

Could you just take a quick glance at the back of these $500 pants and let me know if my period started early

And thus we go gently into the good karoake night at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, where we will remain for some time! Finley’s been taking the train to tuna town with Brit all week. “I don’t know if I’m gonna marry them or anything.” Finley says of Brit, which I believe is our first acknowledgment of they/them pronouns existing on this program, “But they’re nice, they’re fun, and I feel like I’m finally moving on from Sophie, you know?”

You’re playing a VERY dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen

Finley spots Sophie across the room — Sophie who she somehow! Has not seen! In a week! Although they live in the same apartment! — as Sophie slips into a booth with our new intergenerational friend group of fuck-ups.

Alice: I just sent Tom a you know, a casual text.
Shane: Good.
Alice: You know, I haven’t heard back.
Shane: What’d you text?
Alice: “Thinking of you”?
[everybody groans]
Sophie: Oh, honey…

Sophie now spots Finley, and Alice says now’s her chance to talk to Finley about, I am assuming, her interest in making #Sinley official. “Please no drama tonight,” says Shane. Nobody cares how much drama you want tonight Shane!!!!!!

Okay I have a new segment idea. It’s called “L Word” and everybody says an L Word at the same time so you can’t hear anybody saying it

“Just say thinking of you when you go over there,” Alice tells an en-route-to-Finley Sophie. “It really works.”

Bette ROLLS UP into the booth with peak Mommi energy and a playful demeanor that is jarringly warm. (Don’t worry she’s got plenty of time left to go cold!) She’s just done her vocal warmups in the car and is ready to perform!

LOOK at my new WRIST TATTOO it’s a BUTTERFLY

Bette laments that ALL she does all day is chase people down. Shane delivers a sick burn: “Who are you chasing? Because I know it’s not Gigi.” It’s ARTISTS, Shane! Bette is an Art Hunter. She chases rebels and disruptors but nobody wants to show at her problematic gallery. For example: Pippa. Bette testifies that Pippa is …. everything. (She does not disclose that she volunteered to cut out her heart for Pippa in the very same episode where she flipped out at her daughter wanting to cut out her kidney for another noted artist, Marcus Allenwood.)

Alice commiserates that she is also trying to bone someone she works with, but Bette insists this is not about boning, it’s just about work. I think we all can agree that Bette is lying and it’s definitely about boning.

Speaking of people who are not boning, Sophie’s attempt to help Finley with microphone cords turns into full-blown lesbian hand sex. Like nobody can breathe and the only parts of their bodies they are aware of are the parts that are touching? The agony and the ecstasy is PALPABLE.

This is how lesbians have sex

This highly erotic handplay is giving Sophie butterflies while Finley attempts to refuse the energy radiating in her direction, and eventually it must be asked — is Finley avoiding her? “No, of course not,” Finley says, unable to maintain standing posture.

Just take the mike. Speak truth to power.

Finley escapes to the back to complain to Tess that Sophie’s hitting on her which’s bad! Because now Finley is sweating and she didn’t wear deodorant today.

Let me give you some free advice: when it’s really hot and you’re sweating and you’re wearing three layers, two of which are zipped/unzipped in a way that truly boggles the mind, simply remove a layer

I’m not sure that I follow…

Finley: She just came in and sort of like, started hooking up Hexlar cables like some kind of cable goddess—
Tess: XLR. XLR Cables.
Finley: Whatever. I’m good at tools, not cables.

Tess has no advice on how Finley could potentially get over someone who she sees all the time — which I believe is Tess referencing her own feelings for Shane, a person who has done nothing but express explicit interest in Tess, despite Tess’s quasi-relationship with her ex Cherrie Peroni. Tess suggests, AS IF I AM NOT RIGHT HERE AND HATE IT, that Finley tell Sophie to “back off a little.” Finley says she’ll do exactly that and then qualifies that actually, she will not.

Meanwhile, Shane’s spilling to her pals that Cherrie Jaffe came by the other night (nobody is respecting Cherrie’s SURNAME CHANGE which was announced in SEASON THREE, the woman has been divorced for SIXTEEN YEARS), first to see Tess and then to see her, although she swears there was no hanky-panky during the Shane-Cherie Private Session.

Why the hell are you drinking a Heineken? I thought Tecate was the Season Two sponsor.

Nobody believes Shane, womp womp. So we transition to discussing Bette’s disinterest in Gigi, a relationship she now claims “never really started” and “wasn’t exactly some epic meeting of the minds.” Ouch.

And when I held that Samantha doll in my arms I just felt so profoundly connected to early 20th century American History, and I don’t understand why Angie was never interested in having a Samantha Doll of her own

Bette has yet to inform Gigi of her disinterest, however. She’s pretty sure Gigi already knows that it’s not going anywhere, which is a thing you say when you don’t want to say “I ghosted her.”

Sophie tells Maribel that despite Finley’s insistence otherwise, Finley is absolutely 100% for sure avoiding her.

It’s just this ONE tiny hair that I have to pluck out every single month

I’m sorry you’re registering a complaint about just ONE tiny hair?

Maribel wants Sophie to sing, but she refuses, even though Maribel says she’s a great singer and we all know that Rosanny went to Julliard. Before any progress can be made on the musical front, however, guess who’s here??!!!

Gigi can you hand me the Xanax in the pink pill case at the bottom of your handbag please

Gigi and Dani have taken one outfit and split it up between the two of them, which is also a form of lesbian sex. But as soon as Micah and Dani spot the table containing Sophie and Maribel, they both desperately want to leave. Gigi insists that they stay and reclaim their space. Gigi guides Dani towards the bar with a tender touch while glancing at Bette Porter.

Phone calls are free

Silence is golden

Sorry Shane, this party is gonna be High Lesbian Drama and there’s nothing you can do to stop it!

As Micah heads in their direction, Maribel quickly informs Sophie that she and Micah did the horizontal mambo last week and before Sophie can thoroughly eviscerate her for withholding this information —  look who’s here!?!? It’s Micah!!!!

I had sex with your roommate in your house exactly one week ago sorry I didn’t tell you earlier

MARIBEL I WAS THERE OH MY GOD I HEARD YOU HAVING A LOUD ORGASM —

Heyy ladies…. how y’all doin….

Finley swings by to amp up the ambient discomfort levels and Micah asks her if she can be nice to Dani so they can all have a nice civilized time tonight. “Is she gonna punch me in the face again?” Finley asks.

“She hasn’t been able to rule that out,” Micah says. Finley requests Micah give her a heads up if there’s a jab coming her way.

“Okay, I get it,” Sophie smiles. “Everyone’s gonna be normal because there’s nothing to be weird about with any of us, right?”

Hahahaha no it’s totally fine that you ate the jeans I left in an eggo waffle box

Sophie takes an imaginary phone call on her hand in order to leave Micah and Maribel alone to have an awkward conversation. Micah notes that he’s not heard from Maribel in quite some time. She says she’s been swamped with the crisis at the border. He asks if she’d like to have lunch. She says she has to work. He asks if she wants a drink. She nods to indicate that she already has one. What is happening here?? Why won’t Maribel have an $18 lunch salad with Micah at the Urth Cafe???!! Anyhow, meanwhile I am sitting at a nearby table buying Micah a one way ticket from LAX to Bismarck just in case he needs it.

The L Word Generation Q Episode 205 Recap: Lobsters Too Deserve Freedom

Welcome to the fifth recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, a show about a vaguely European cafe owner and “book club” doyen who seduces an allegedly heterosexual female “writer” through intense eye contact and a shared passion for Eros the Bittersweet, leaves the writer erotically charged messages on her answering machine, is caught giving cunnilingus to the writer by the writer’s male fiancee (an esteemed swim coach named Tim), invites the writer to her palatial and tastefully designed Los Angeles home for sexual intercourse only to reveal in the morning that she’s actually already in a relationship with a traveling costume-designer who pays all her bills and recently seduced a prima ballerina, invites the writer over for a group dinner which ends with the writer hurling a full bottle of alcohol at her towering glass windows, spars with the costume designer and eventually empties a glass of red wine into her open suitcase, downs three bottles of pills at the Chateau Marmont, has her apparent husband sell her portion of the cafe to Kit Porter, and then returns to Los Angeles several years later to crash the writer’s book reading, announce that she is the benefactor for an “unusual” dance troupe, and fuck the writer’s French lover Claude in an earth-toned hotel room. Art!

We have now reached the midway point of our season of love with the wonderful humans of The L Word Generation Q. It’s time for Episode 205, Lobsters Too, which has only a small sliver of lobster content, much like the Lobsters episode from Season 3 of the original series. Minimal shellfish content in general, honestly.

We open in FiSoMi’s apartment, where Finley is throwing up yesterday’s beer to clear out some space for today’s beer. Clearly things are going well around here and everyone is thriving.

The best part of waking up is El Brazo in your gullet

Finley is strategically re-arranging the recycling bin to hide her beer cans when Sophie shows up, having somehow avoided Finley for several consecutive days even though they live in the same house.

It’s React, Regurgitate, Recycle … right?

Um, not exactly.…

Sophie admits her trip to Ojai was actually not to curl up with a Tangerine Iced Latte at Beacon Coffee and pound out some segment ideas, but in fact was to visit Dani, who was having a crisis and needed someone. Finley acknowledges that she was already aware of Sophie’s dishonesty, and then avoids eye contact while Sophie rambles about how she and Dani are not together. Sophie also somehow misses every subtle emotion radiating from Finley’s wound-up body.

Sophie: Well, thank you for understanding. You’re always such a good friend.
Finley: [not liking that she used the word “friend”] Sure, uh….
Sophie: We’re not back together, if that’s what you think.
Finley: Uhhh I… I don’t think anything.

Alas, the vulnerable hopeful Finley who returned to Los Angeles on a misguided love mission has been replaced by vulnerable hopeless Bender Finley. I can’t wait for the episode where we actually directly address Finley’s relationship to alcohol. Fingers crossed!

We then journey to Gigi’s gorgeous loft apartment, replete with exposed brick, high ceilings, multiple large trees and a majestic view of our expansive city. Bette’s typeity-typing away on her little laptop and denies Gigi’s offer to discuss their recent spat. Gigi swallows this rejection in the way that you do when you’re already pretty sure that your relationship is is over.

Great news I just bought us each $300 tickets to see Alanis Morisette in Section K at the Hollywood Bowl, there should be a venmo request on your phone

Gigi: You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, but you should know I have plans to meet someone.
Bette: [scoffs] That was fast.
Gigi: No, not like that, I’m seeing Dani.

Look Down, Look Down, Don’t look her in the eye

Gigi attempts to initiate some physical affection, insisting Bette can tell her how she really feels about her seeing Dani. “I just did,” says Bette, bristling at her touch and by the possibility of any sort of actual intimacy. She has enthusiasm for one topic, though: Pippa Pascal.

Bette tracked Pippa down and is willing to cut out her heart to work with her. Unfortunately she is going to have to compete with this girl, who is ready to give up WAY more than just her heart:

Let the bidding war begin!

Another little afternoon at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern — Finley is participating in this season’s theme of “patchwork flannel” while unpacking boxes of alcohol and Tess, wearing a denim jacket that was recently attacked by a massive family of baby birds, tells Shane that the woman she’s allegedly “seeing” is someone she JUST MET at a fancy Hollywood Hills party?!! Tess you are not seeing someone you met only once!!! You should’ve banged Shane in your backyard!!! As a wise re-capper once said, “HAVE SEX.”

Anyhoo, because Tess and her Someone can’t go out tonight (due to Poker Night), said someone is on her way to Dana’s, right now, to take Tess out for coffee.

Honestly after my traumatic experience with the birds this morning, I really need the afternoon off to figure out if there’s still a place for me in the sky.

And, well WELL WELL AS I LIVE AND BREATHE HOLY HELL IN A HANDBASKET

Surprise, bitch! I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

Fuck

Tess introduces them but Cherie demurs: “we’ve met.” They acknowledge one another. They think about how many hot sex scenes they had in the original series. Tess crosses her arms. “Of course you have.”

From the back, Finley gives a big clueless wave like a kitten so excited to meet my dog, who is completely uninterested in the kitten.

Back at The Aloce Show, it turns out that Alice has finished the rewrites on her book 500x faster than I have finished the re-writes on my book, which as of this moment, remain unwritten. Enough about me, let’s focus on these two creative aspirants negotiating the end of their editing relationship and whether or not they can remain friends, perhaps?

Alice: Does it always feel this weird? Because I’m so used to spending so much time with you and now I’m not gonna see you tomorrow and I don’t know, I can’t put words to it—
Tom: We’re done professionally but we’re definitely friends, right? I feel like we’re friends.
Alice: You think?
Tom: Well, I wept in front of you, so yeah.
Alice: And I pretty much had like a full mental breakdown. Just keeping score.

Yeah Alice, if you chew an entire pack of Juicy Fruit, a gum tree is gonna grow in your stomach!

I knew something felt weird in there

Dani is taking a field trip to lockup to see her Daddy, who informs her that she’s now interim CEO of the company, according to the documents he secretly coerced her into signing!

They promised you were bringing me a McFlurry?

Father. For the last time. The ice cream. machine. Is. Broken.

Dani: I refuse to be your puppet.
Daddy: All of your family’s assets are tied into this company. You walk away from this job, you walk away from everything.
Dani: Then I need to know the truth. As your daughter. I need to know what you knew and when you knew it.

If he tells her the truth, she’ll run the company. If she finds out he lied she will burn it to the ground, just like Paige did to Wax Surf-and-Turf! I don’t care about this story and it annoys me. However, I’m tickled to discover that Gigi’s waiting outside to chariot Dani, who she now calls ‘Boss Lady,” away from this compromising situation and to her apartment.

Thusly we proceed onwards to the glorious LGBTQIA+ Center of Los Angeles, where we find Carrie atop a sofa with Tina and Angie, who is experiencing stomach upset and therefore will be treating herself to a glass of water. Carrie expresses nervousness about this group therapy session because it unfortunately involves her nemesis, Bette Porter, who she finds unpleasant and difficult. Carrie suggests they hightail it to Mexico but Tina declines this opportunity for a little R-n-R.

“Don’t use my bat! Use Marla’s. It’s heavier!”

Carrie: What I have to do is I have to just start feeling sorry for her and not get as pissed off, you know? That’s the trick.
Tina: Whatever it takes.
Carrie: It’s gonna work, because I already feel sorry for her.
Tina: Why is that?
Carrie: Because she doesn’t have you.
Tina: She doesn’t want me. You say this about everybody!
Carrie: Yes she does! Yes she does!
Tina: It doesn’t matter, honey.
Carrie: Why not?
Tina: Because I love you. I want you here, and Angie does too. You belong here, okay?

Meanwhile, Angie is face-timing Jordi, who admits that she too is frightened by Our Lady of Porter, but that she has asked the universe to be on their side. Angie’s stoked for Jordi to be nominated for prom queen this very day.

Oh what’s that is it the Tok o Clock you kids are watching dirty meme vines on?

Big news red alert Sophie’s Segment Idea is here and it’s…. bad. But everybody is going to pretend that it’s good, probably eventually including me, because it’s hard to complain about highlighting actual queer people on a major premium cable TV show! The pitch is: we didn’t see lesbians on TV growing up, so now we have stock photographs of everyday queer heroes who we will feature because nobody knows that lesbians have existed in history! There are definitely already 5,000 interviews with queer heroes that already exist on the internet but okay.

So I’m just gonna show you a few of the women I pulled from the application pool to be your new girlfriend or theyfriend

This is Deb, she loves hiking Runyon with her border collie, having deep philosophical convos about Battlestar Galactica and trying new vegan recipes. She’d like to tie you to her handmade sandalwood King bed to make sure you understand what a bad bad girl you’ve been.

Can’t do vegans. Triggering.

Okay, well, this is Susan. She’s a kinky top with a passion for wax play and open & honest communication who dreams of one day living off the land in a small, solar-powered yurt.

I’m really thinking like I’m more of a “living ON the land” girl

This is Sam. They’re a welder and a 5’11 trouble-maker seeking a kindred spirit with a readable aura for emotional intimacy and long weekends sipping mocktails and playing Settlers of Catan.

I fucking HATE that game

Oookay well this is Dolores, she’s a great listener and champion weightlifter who loves rearranging furniture, listening to you talk about yourself, cooking your favorite meat-inclusive meals, drinking wine and dancing the night away.

Okay okay NOW we are getting somewhere….

Alice loves the idea which’s great ’cause Sophie’s already booked a cute old lesbian couple to come on down for their Segment Interview and make both Sophie and Alice feel sad about the states of their own relationships. Alice is currently battling the temptation to respond to Nat’s texts begging her to get back together. I will be contacting the United Nations to hold Nat accountable for this behavior.

We now pivot onto the showdown top-off of the year — a group therapy session between Bette, Carrie, Tina and Angie, moderated by our trusty pal Micah! It turns out Marcus Allenwood’s kidneys have had quite enough and he’ll die without a transplant, and Angie wants to see if she’s a match. Which brings us to our first Fight of the episode, and boy is it a doozy!

Gay Squabble #20: We R Family
In The Ring: Carrie vs Bette vs Angie vs Therapy? Hard to say exactly.

Bette is a hard no on Angie sacrificing her kidney, which puts her in line with the actual medical policies around kidney donation that do indeed forbid humans under 18 years of age to donate their organs. But this is television so let’s just proceed.

Bette: No. God. No.
Micah: Ms. Porter, before we shut her down—
Bette: Look she can’t donate a kidney, is that clear?
Carrie: But shouldn’t we hear her out?
Bette: You don’t have a say in this.
Micah: Ms. Porter—
Carrie: I’m not trying to have a say—
Bette: Well good because you don’t.
Carrie: I’m just saying I can relate because I’m adopted too—
Bette: She’s not adopted. She is our child. Mine and Tina’s.

I’m sure Carrie is perfectly nice but you should know that me and Tina have a SIGNIFICANT fan base and that cannot be discounted

Adopted children also are the children of their parents, but okay Bette go off. Bette accuses Tina of wanting her to be the bad guy and shuts down Carrie’s attempts to speak, and eventually Angie, no longer capable of sharing air with this chaos, storms out, followed by Tina, leaving a very disgruntled Bette alone with a trying-very-hard Carrie, who’d like to finish the sentence she began earlier.

Bette: I’d prefer it if you didn’t
Micah: Of course you can.

Carrie knows she and Angie have different situations, but she always felt kinda lost not knowing her biological mother and if she needed anything, Carrie would be there for her. Bette says her family is different, and Micah asks Bette what her relationship with her own family is like. She shares that her Dad died years ago and that she hasn’t seen her Mom in 30 years.

As you may or may not recall, Daddy left Kit’s Mom for Bette’s Mom and then cheated on Bette’s Mom and then Bette’s Mom left the fam. Honestly I’ve thought Bette’s Mom was dead this entire time but I went back to the source material and I was wrong, they never declared her dead; only gone. This means Bette’s Mom could appear at any time, ideally played by Jane Fonda.

Bette: I am who I am despite her, not because of her.
Micah: Is she still alive?
Bette: I wouldn’t know. She left me.
Carrie: Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could reconnect with her?
Bette: No, it wouldn’t be amazing.
Carrie: How do you know?
Bette: The same way you know you don’t like fucking scallops, Carrie. I tried it once and it wasn’t for me.

JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER BETTE MY SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN YIKES

Meanwhile, Tina is deftly handling Angie in the hallway, reminiding her that Bette is generally an impossible person and just needs time to process, eventually earning Angie’s return to the negotiation table. The kidney remains in play.

Who Wins? I think Micah did his best here so I’m gonna give it to him.

The L Word Generation Q Episode 204 Recap: But This Lake House Has No Lake

Welcome to the fourth recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, a story about a camisole-and-cargo-shorts adorned computer whiz and dancer from the esteemed Berkeley dance troupe “Homo Erect Us” who moves to Los Angeles to work in music videos, immediately regrets it due to her perception that everybody in LA is “into high fashion” and fails to “celebrate female masculinity,” meets a newly-out trans male OurChart coder with a big group of transphobic friends, starts interning for and dating him, gives him a beejer in the computer room, tags along with him to a poorly lit funeral in Illinois but somehow vanishes for the majority of the storyline, accompanies him on a trip to San Francisco for eventually thwarted top surgery and then is never seen, heard from or discussed ever again. However, her OurChart Bio lives on forever in my mind and, I can only hope, in yours as well.

About 60% of the way through episode 204 of The L Word Generation Q, I texted The Gen Q podcast team “I’m watching 204 and I already cried 4 times.” So that is what I have to say about THAT.

We open on a cool spring evening in the fine city of Los Angeles, where our young friend Dani is returning home with Gigi following a three-hour period in which Dani was not actively devastated about the implosion of her life and relationship. Unfortunately, her joy is immediately thwarted because there are cop cars surrounding Daddy’s Manor!

Could you PLEASE ask Ari to bring me my yellow toothbrush, my gluten-free crackers and my Bobby Axelrod bobble-head

As you may be aware, people in television programs with a lot of money often find themselves the victim of a home invasion from the FBI. The FBI will enter the office or home with brisk efficiency and emerge with neatly labeled file boxes. If the FBI ever raided my home, they would be like, “how much A-Camp memorabilia do you really need to be holding onto??” and I would be like “Sirs, that is for the Lesbian Herstory Archives!” Anyhow, don’t worry the FBI will never take my A-Camp maps and pigeonhole notes away because I’ve done nothing illegal and have no money to seize.

So, Daddy’s being arrested for Criminal Conspiracy and Fraud. Somehow I am already crying??? For Dani??? HOW MUCH PAIN CAN ONE GIRL HANDLE???!!? (Dani, that is.) (Although it is also worth asking about me.)

Cut to a gorgeous spring day on the verdant streets of Los Angeles, California, where Micah and Maribel are flying in the face of their obvious chemistry by making plans for Micah to allow himself to be set up with Maribel’s co-worker, Harry, a 27-year-old lawyer, and for the two of them to double date with Maribel’s “man-child who doesn’t deserve me.”

Be honest was it you who sent an Edible Arrangement to my office with an enormous teddy bear holding a HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA balloon

MAYBE

Anyhow, this adorable pre-amble to their eventual marriage is interrupted when Rodolfo decides to call Micah from jail.

We then jet some number of blocks in a specific direction to FiSoMi’s (I’m renaming it permanently) where Sophie’s looking at vintage lesbians on her laptop as she researches her new segment, an experience I am intimately familiar with.  Finley shows up looking hot to trot in her athletic shorts and grey sweatshirt and announces that she just went on a run and also coached soccer at the LGBTQIA+ Center.

You know I personally would not necessarily store my jeans in an empty box of waffles but who am I to judge

Big development for Finley: she has a life goal! To be coach children’s soccer!! Maybe she can take over for Roy Kent now that he is abandoning the small girls for the large boys. Anyhow: Finley does her Finley things — scrounging for food someone else bought, offering a waffle before realizing there’s just one — and Sophie starts smiling a little bit as she watches Finley and eventually takes a deep breath and asks Finley if she’d like to have dinner that evening. Like at that sushi place on Hyperion at 7?

Wow Riese’s recaps are so funny

Finley is truly delighted by this prospect, like a kitten who was found on a highway, nursed back to health, and then placed atop a silk pillow to eat tuna out of a can. I admit that I, too, am delighted.

We then sprint over to Chez Bette, where the Original Cast has gathered for breakfast and emotional processing, as Alice apparently crashed there last night following her breakup with Nat. Unfortunately, Alice is exhausted because she stayed up all night watching videos of soldiers reuniting with their families. I hope she watched my favorite one, in which a lesbian radio hostess named Alice is sitting at home in her glasses watching a news report about Baghdad and crying softly to herself when SURPRISE her hot girlfriend Tasha arrives at her front door in a leather jacket and promptly fucks her right there on the floor!

By the way the ghost of Jenny Schecter was banging on my window all night so I did a few banishing spells but I dunno how long they’ll stick

Now Alice has gotta kick her Mom out of her house so she can move back into it.

Shane: Well I can talk to Lenore for you if you’d like—
Bette: That’s very generous of you ——
Alice: We’re very aware of that, thank you Shane.

Bette says Alice is welcome to stay as long as she’d like, but also EXPOSITION TIME: Bette’s dressed up (“like a million bucks” – Shane) because she’s gotta “hunt down” a prospective client today. Watch out Pippa!

Then we take a group field trip to The Aloce Show, where Micah has tracked down Sophie to demand she find Dani because he cannot find Dani anywhere in this entire city!

Come ON just tell me the truth was it Finley who ate the pair of jeans I left in the Eggo Waffles box

Micah: Don’t blow this off.
Sophie: Micah, what do you want from me?
Micah: I want you to find her.
Sophie: I haven’t heard from her in weeks and she wouldn’t want me to find her.
Micah: Okay, maybe she doesn’t want you to find her, but she needs someone. How can you not see that? Just… make sure she’s okay, and have her call me, okay?

It was in this moment that I knew, deeply and entirely, that Sophie would not be, in fact, meeting Finley for dinner tonight at that sushi place on Hyperion, and within me a great sadness took root and began to grow, its branches reaching through my ribs and angling towards the waning moon.

Angie and Kayla are literally taking a walk in the actual park as an activity, chatting about Marcus and also what they want to be when they grow up. Angie wanted to be President or else Snoopy. Kayla wanted to be a dancer. Angie, blissfully unaware of the anxiety I am currently experiencing re: Finley, is BURSTING WITH JOY regarding this conversation, particularly when Kayla says Angie reminds her of her Dad.

Oh my God I ALSO have really severe seasonal allergies!

However, Kayla says there’s something she’s gotta tell Angie about her Dad but she doesn’t know how. Jesus Christ I hope this man is not already dead?? I have so much anxiety this episode!!!

Crosstown at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Tess and Shane are setting up for Movie Night when Tess gets a phone call revealing she is immediately needed in Vegas. Shane attempts to invite herself to Vegas but Tess insists she cannot before eventually explaining that she’s going to see her Mom, so there will be no Bacchanal Buffets or Whitney Houston hologram shows or other forms of Vegas-induced fun on the menu tonight. Therefore Shane should stay right where she is.

Tess bring me to Vegas I have to see the Blue Man Group

Shane nobody actually likes the Blue Man Group

BUT THEY COMBINE THEATRICS, ART, MUSIC AND SCIENCE TO CREATE AN INTERACTIVE, WILD AND PERCUSSION-DRIVEN EXPERIENCE FULL OF HUMOR AND ENERGY

What is wrong with you

“I’ll be back tonight,” Tess promises. “Don’t try and put the projector together without me.”

Alice returns to her home and OH MY GOD IT’S LENORE

I can’t find my “MILF OF THE YEAR” Mug anywhere!

Okay, if they brought back Lenore then all bets are off! Reboots often re-awaken major characters from the past, as this show has with Tina and will be doing with Helena later in the season (according to IMDB) — but bit characters generally remain in the annals of history, especially when your bit characters were largely sourced in Vancouver and you’re shooting the reboot in Los Angeles. But damn! If Lenore is back then who knows, Marcus Allenwood may very well be lurking around the corner. That said, Mark Gibson, who played Marcus, isn’t an actor, he’s a house painter who was working for an A.D of the original series and got asked to be on the show ’cause they somehow could not find an actor “suitable” for the role. So, who knows!

Anyhow! Lenore obviously is up to her elbows in boxes relating to her new career as a Multi-Level Marketing Wizard Super Silver Seller for Swan’s Breath Cosmetics.

Mom, you can’t just throw out my Dana cardboard cut-out without asking me!

Alice: Nat and I broke up.
Lenore: Oh sweetie.
Alice: I know. It ran its course so it’s probably better this way.
Lenore: Is that why you look so terrible?
Alice: That feels unnecessary.

Alice informs her Mom that she’s gotta hit the road, Jack. Mom insists she’s needed right here in Alice’s apartment because Alice does not need to wallow here alone. Alice insists that she very generously rented her mother an entire apartment in Brentwood, replete with a second bedroom for her Swan’s Breath scam boxes. Mom insists once more that in fact she is very needed during Alice’s trying time. Alice says Mom’s gotta be out by Monday, bye!

Gather round the wooden table, my dears, because Angelica has sought out the deep wisdom and advice of Ol Uncle Shane-o. Angie has learned that her donor is dying and wants to know if Shane thinks she should meet him before he kicks the bucket. For crying out loud, this show needs to think long and hard about how many Black relatives of Angie they have already killed and maybe RECONSIDER.

How do I tell Shane that her restaurant has its ice-to-drink ratio all wrong

Angie wants to know what Shane would do if she was in Angie’s situation, which Shane struggles to answer due to her own experiences with her father, a noted philanderer and scammer who robbed the Peabodys, disowned his son, re-owned his son and didn’t read Some of Her Parts.

Slander

Shane: He left when I was very young. And then I was in and out of foster care. And uh, when I felt like I was ready I tracked him down. And I realized I didn’t like the guy.
Angie: Why?
Shane: Well, he uh. He reinforced the worst parts that were in me. And I made a very poor decision because of that.
Angie: What did you do?
Shane: I left someone that I loved very much at the altar.
Angie: Shit.
Shane: Yeah. Sometimes I think I would’ve been a lot better off had I never met the guy.

The thing about Carmen is that she was REALLY, really, just really really hot.

I know. I saw the gif.

Once again I find myself in tears, while also thrilled to hear the past addressed in a logical context in which to address the past. Shane asks where Jordi’s at and Angie says they’re “on different life tracks” ’cause Jordi is running for Prom Queen. Unclear how that would prevent her from engaging in this storyline, but anyhow, Angie wants to ask her Mom if she can see a therapist. Everybody light a candle and pray she won’t suggest Dan Foxworthy.

The L Word Generation Q Episode 203 Recap: Luck Be a Ladykiller

Welcome to the third recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, a show about an ostensibly straight but clearly dykey filmmaker who arrives in Los Angeles with her sketchy cylon boyfriend to acquire funding for their white savior documentary, accidentally falls in lesbian love with noted dragon heiress Helena Peabody, gifts her a large white paper bag containing two small British chocolates, gets fingerblasted at the tea station while Kit Porter and Betty perform an unforgivable song in the nearby recording studio, has passionate lesbian sex in a Malibu penthouse during an epic sunset, videotapes a sexual role-play session with aforementioned Helena Peabody and then uses the resulting film to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against Helena which is settled out-of-court and eventually leads Helena to be briefly cut off from her family riches and forced to a life of catering and gambling. She then returns to Los Angeles two years later as an out lesbian who has a short at Outfest, has  hot tea and silent sex with Helena Peabody, gets mixed up in a truth-serum sting with mediocre novelist Jenny Schecter, dramatically storms out of a baby shower without reason and eventually lifts Helena from her knees, places her upon a kitchen counter, and holds a knife to her throat but in a sexy way before they break up thirty or so minutes later, thus condemning her to a Helena-free future but hey, at least she’s got that short in Outfest!

Well we have come to Episode 203: Luck Be a Lady, a recycled Episode title from a very beloved Season Four episode. I do not think this is my best recap ever but I did try really hard I promise.

I love how many stories they’re juggling this season so far and how many minor Season One characters are getting more airplay — this episode gave us a lot of Gigi, more Maribel and Micah (OTP) and more Tess! What fun!

Angie Poter-Kennard rushes home to open her laptop with the fervor of a passenger fleeing a 10-hour non-stop road trip because they really have to pee. In this metaphor, the laptop is a bathroom. I’m doing really good at this recap so far.

Hmmm… there’s gotta be SOMETHING in the LA Times archives about the death of Jenny Schecter…

Turns out Angie, whose genetics should be a 50-50 split of noted artist Marcus Allenwood and noted White Person Tina Kennard, is somehow 51% Sudanese, 7% “other regions” of West Africa and South America, 20% European and 22% Native American? Umm what who did this graphic

You’re 100% that bitch!

Surprise! Angie has already received a message from Kayla Allenwood! Her half-sister! A real Johnny on the Spot, that one! Bette is gonna be thrilled! 

At the homestead formerly known as DaSoMi’s and currently known as FiSoMi’s, Finley’s sharing some friendly scatalogical anecdotes with her crush, Sophie, while both emotionally damaged lesbians sweep up the physical mess in their shared home.

Listen lady how many times do I gotta shine your shoes? I got other guys on this block needin’ a shine-up!

Finley asks if they can talk but Sophie says it’s too soon, which is likely the first time in her entire precious life on this wretched earth that she has declined a request to discuss her emotions.

We then hop on our tiny scooters and zoom across town to Natalice’s, where Alice is washing dishes with the fatalist spirit of a woman who is in a non-monogamous relationship that she wishes could be a monogamous relationship. Nat arrives home from her overnight date with news regarding a recent tree removal in the neighborhood.

That fruit fly better watch the fuck out I am in no mood for this today

Alice is like, hey I understand that you are the Lorax and you speak for the trees but let’s get down to the roots of it all! Nat admits she feels weird ’cause she slept with someone else last night. Alice puts on her best “this is okay” face, saying all she wants is for Nat to be happy, and Nat’s stoked re: that because she IS happy! “This is why we work!” Nat declares with ignorant glee.

Fuck I think I left the buttplug in

Nat tells Alice she missed her but when she goes in for the makeout, Alice says she’d rather not engage in any tomfoolery until Nat has taken a second poly-cleansing shower.

We then hoverboard over to a Large Fancy Apartment Building where Bette and Gigi, dripping in sexual tension, desire and general emotions that I cannot believe are happening before my very eyes, are striding into the atrium with the confidence of two women at the peak of their Mommi Season.

Can you just real quickly do that thing you did this morning in the shower?

They’re meeting up with Dani and her father to survey some real estate. Bette introduces Gigi as her girlfriend before seeing herself out so we can all just let that simmer for a moment.

We then ride a pony all the way to the LGBTQIA Center, where Micah’s about to start a new job and is nervous about his shirt. Luckily his future wife Maribel is there to assure him it’s an okay shirt, just like she asserted the first three times he asked about it. Maribel is having the best time because the Center has a free coffee shop right there in the lobby!

FOUR pumps of vanilla? That’s not even coffee anymore!

As Micah heads off into interviewland, Maribel teases that everybody loves his shirt and everybody is talking about it and they are so cute!!!!!! I am naming their children in my head!

What’s going on over at our favorite Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern? Shane is analyzing the books, Finley is finagling some promo bottles and Tess is very mad that Shane wrote her a check for $5k because she is not a charity case!! Tess really should just take the check. It was not too long ago that Shane arrived on this coast in a private jet and waltzed into a gorgeous post-modern apartment in the Hollywood Hills with a shimmering pool overlooking the gilded valleys of Los Angeles. Besides, Shane is a poker champion now.

This is poison

“It’s not for you, it’s for your Mom,” Shane clarifies. Tess says she wanted to earn that $5k, but Shane says she will, and thus Tess quickly softens under Shane’s loving reassurance which is very sweet but also HAVE SEX

ANGIE IS SO EXCITED YOU GUYS

LET’S THROW JUNIOR MINTS INTO EACH OTHERS MOUTHS !!

BECAUSE ANGIE HAS A HALF-SISTER AND SHE’S FIFTEEN AND SHE LIVES IN LOS ANGELES AND ANGIE REALLY WANTS TO MEET HER AND JORDI SAYS OK I WILL GO WITH YOU TO MEET HER SO YOU DON’T GET KIDNAPPED OR MUDERED AND ANGIE IS LIKE OMG YOU’D COME WITH AND SHE’S LIKE YES OF COURSE I WOULD AND SO THEY’RE GONNA MEET HER AND

Cut to a gorgeous castle in the sky with a rooftop pool and a 3,000-foot fitness center and beautiful views of all the big law firms in downtown L.A!

We also have a very complicated numerical system for each apartment as it relates to the buttons on our external intercom as well as two towers in the same building with the same numbered apartments on each side, so we can essentially guarantee that any food delivery person will have to call you every single time for help finding your unit

I have a private chef

Gigi’s getting on with the Nunezes like gangbusters — comparing Rodolfo’s desire for his daughter to own a nice apartment to her father’s desires for her and speaking with both of them in Farsi which I do not understand but was delighted by nonetheless! Rodolfo wants Gigi to draw up the contract for the apartment. Gigi suavely turns to Dani and assures her that there’s no pressure, she’ll do whatever Dani says. Gigi is somehow flirting with not only Dani but also the very ground she walks upon and I do respect it.

Big news at The Aloce Show: a calendar in the background is turned to April, the first acknowledgement of a calendar month existing in the history of The L Word!

This seems like an awfully big bowl of cocaine….

Sophie and Alice are still digging through what their potential fun segment could be — not Carpool Karaoke because Alice is in a twitter war with James Cordon and not “Man On The Street but gay” because Billy is already on the street being gay. I have an idea! It’s called “The Chart” and Alice could do segments like: teaching gay lingo to newly-out and consistently-unprofessional California University Chancellor Phyllis Kroll, learning how to say “cunnilingus” in sign language with noted Origami With Steel sculptress Jodi Lerner and being transphobic towards unappreciated camera boy Max Sweeeny.

Anyhow, Sophie inquires regarding Alice’s overall well-being. Alice says Nat had her first date with Marissa last night and Alice is completely and totally absolutely fine with it by which I mean, clearly not at all. When Nat texts to ask if it’s okay for her to go out with Marissa tomorrow night, Alice gives her the go-ahead but her face betrays her discomfort.

No ❤️

Honestly, Nat could be easing Alice into this new phase of their relationship a little bit more gently. Regardless of Alice’s problematic opinions on non-monogamy, witnessing your person enter the throes of New Relationship Energy with someone else — the part where you’re so gung-ho about a new partner that you need to see them all the time starting now — will likely be the most difficult element of this arrangement for Alice to deal with. It’s all happening very quickly!

At the LGBTQIA+ Center, Nat’s showing Micah around as he explains his specialty is helping families deal with grief, recalling his own father’s death when he was young. Nat says that’s super great wow yeah grief is bad and hard and sounds like a very neat thing to specialize in but ANYHOO she’s just really happy to have found “someone like him” for the center. Just say trans, Nat!!! They’ve got about a dozen trans clients, she explains, who will be so happy to meet with him, the Universal Trans Person.

It’s weird ever since I looked directly into the firey depths of a Solar Eclipse my eyes just… don’t close all the way?

Gonna go out on a limb here and suggest they hire more than one trans therapist for the G-ddamn LGBTQIA+ Center??

Back at Daddy Warbucks Manor, Dani’s signing the papers for her Castle in the Sky while Dad fondly recalls getting his first apartment with her Mom many years ago and also meeting Gigi several hours ago. He always imagined Dani would end up with someone like Gigi, he declares.

“Someone Persian?” Dani asks.

“Someone adventurous and gutsy,” he says.

“Someone like Mom?” Dani smiles to herself.

I always thought that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right.

Dani suddenly remembers that all her worldly possessions remain at the house formerly known as DaSoMi’s. Clearly unlike me she does not have weekly anxiety dreams about being forced to suddenly leave her apartment without having time to pack, which would keep her in a constant state of awareness regarding the location of her possessions.

Daddy volunteers to take care of the Stuff at the Old House. Also, while they’re all here with his lawyer — who is named Ari because let’s make this confusing for Ari — there’s some more papers she can sign if she wants to, for funsies. An update to his will? Sign it! A DNR? Let’s sign it!

Y’all do not kill Dani’s father there is only so much this woman can be expected to endure in one season!

Well my dearest most intimate friends, it is time to return to one of our community’s most beloved pastimes, Watching Bette Porter Look At Art. Today, Gigi’s joining Our Lady of Porter on this winding journey into the annals of modern art, where Gigi’s curious how Bette determines if art is good or not.

I made that one, it’s called “Ooops my Diva Cup Fell Out”

Bette says good art asks questions and it should move you or change you or at least piss off the board of the CAC. Bette comes to this show to check out emerging artists and see if anything catches her eye. “Well, you catch my eye,” says Gigi, like a girlfriend who finds your interests hot but doesn’t find your interests actually interesting. It was in this moment that I shifted my chips away from Bette/Gigi and towards Dani/Gigi in the Grand Poker Game of Life.

Are you … coming… in your pants…. from looking at art?

YES!

Bette doesn’t seem particularly enchanted by Gigi, either, shifting between seeming bored and being patronizing, but even this early relationship ennui cannot penetrate the awe-inspiring impact of the work of Pippa Pascal, which Bette locates an stands in front of, bowled over by its majesty. She smiles, she laughs, she cries.

Gigi’s like, “are you okay?” and Bette is like SOB SOB This is the work of Pippa Pascal, I know it is!

Micah arrives at FiSoMi’s with a pizza and some disappointment regarding his day, which brings us into a small squabble!

Gay Squabble #12: Pony Play

In the Ring: Maribel vs. Micah

Content: Micah says his supervisor doesn’t think he can help anyone except trans clients “and it’s fucking demoralizing.” Maribel says it’s not, recalling earlier in her day when a white lady tried to lift her out of her chair and “hold [her] like a baby,” which falls into the category of “shit that happens to [her] all the time.” These are definitely horrifying, ableist things that happened to Maribel  — but it’s unclear why any of this is relevant to Micah’s situation or why this has to be framed like this. She also notes once desiring a pony that her Mother did not procure for her, a sentiment I think we can all relate to.

Her final advice is — “people are dumb, they can’t read your mind, so use your damn voice if you want something different.” She adds, “seriously i am SORRY you have to help trans kids. it must be a REAL burden. You’re a saint AND a martyr!”

Finley apologizes on behalf of white people and Micah and Maribel are like 🙄

Who Wins? No

Back in ArtWorld, Bette’s gushing about Pippa Pascal who’s senior thesis at Bard was amazing because “nobody in the mainstream was making art about race and oppression and sexual violence,” but Bette never worked with her ’cause she was too famous.

One: Don’t pick up the phone. You know she’s only calling cause she’s drunk and alone.

Then, in 2000, Pippa wrote an Op-Ed in the New York Times calling out the art world for open racism and systematic anti-Blackness and then she vanished into the ether.

[Cue music]

UNTIL NOW!

Bette embraces Gigi like her little girl has just arrived home from her first day of school clutching a radiant red balloon.

L Word Generation Q Episode 202 Recap: Lean On Me When You’re Not Yelling At Me

Welcome to the second recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, a show about a charismatic 55-year-old self-help guru with a wife and family who spends his days on the road speaking in expansive hotel conference rooms regarding his own self-help theory “The Theory of Everything” (aka TOE) and selling related merchandise and literature who, at one such event, meets a legendary singer-cum-entrepreneur seeking economic success for her queer coffee-shop/venue/club through overcharging for Pear Poletna Tarts, says she reminds him of an “alley cat,” seduces her after a mid-morning poolside hotel lunch and then stands her up for a fancy dinner at said coffee shop, thus resulting in the unnecessary death of two lobsters set aside for the meal by noted Soup Chef Lara Perkins.

In this recap of Episode 202, we will find out what happens when lesbians stop being polite and start getting real honest at somebody else’s wedding! I would like to give a hearty thank you to the 30k+ humans who read my first recap and everybody who gave me compliments in the comments, honestly it was even better for my sense of self than Wellbutrin and I’m walking on sunshine now. (But don’t worry I’m also still taking the Wellbutrin.)

After last week’s cliffhanger, itself a follow-up to a previous cliffhanger, it’s time to strap on our carabiners and ascend the climbing wall of lesbian drama because my friends, Dani was in fact quite serious regarding cheating being a dealbreaker, which brings us to our very first fight in an episode that will set the record for “most fights ever in an episode of The L Word.” The prior record-holder was Episode 511, the one where Jodi and Bette dressed exactly the same and broke up for eight hours.

Lesbian Squabble #3: Did You F*ck Her All Night Before Telling Her I Was The Love of Your Life?
In the Ring: Dani vs. Sophie
Content: Dani has a lot of stuff to do now, like yell at Sophie in her veil. Also, pack a suitcase because this venue has it all: Bridal Suite AND wedding parlor AND rehearsal dinner room. It’s like Greenfield Village but with less glass-blowing.

Also, Dani has questions like “when did it happen” and follow-up questions like “never mind I don’t want to know.” She’s curious if Sophie was ever gonna tell her or if she was just gonna marry her, have her little babies and then sit across from Finley at Thanksgiving dinner as if they did not fuck in Episode 108; which, honestly, great question!

Sophie insists it was a one-time thing and Dani yells at her to stop talking. “Who knew?” Dani screams. “Did everyone know but me?” and Sophie is simply dying inside.

Dani would like to know if Sophie fucked Finley in their home (no) and then declares, “I never want to see you again, is that clear? You’re fucking disgusting.”

Who Wins? Chaos? I’m gonna give Dani the W here because she is objectively “in the right” and also let’s be real, she needs a W.

Back in the downstairs chambers, Finley is, as Alice so aptly notes, “standing there like a kitten on the highway,” and so Alice kindly trots over to offer support which Finley is unable to accept because she’s in a bit of a wierd mood. Also, she’s surrounded by extras who are really earning their day rate today “expressing disgust towards Finley.”

Lesbian Squabble #4: Are You Here For An Affair, Sir?
In The Ring: Finley vs Everyone

Content: Bette — who has committed a healthy list of sins we will address later in the recap — leans over to tell Shane —  who fully left ethereal beauty Carmen De La Pica Morales at the altar in gorgeous Canadian snow-palace wedding sponsored by the Peabody Foundation — that Finley’s little speech was “the most selfish thing she has ever seen.” 🙄

Micah tells Finley to stop following him and wonders what exactly she thought would happen. Then Dani goes downstairs to tell Micah that she knows that he knew and then she gathers her petticoats and stomps over to Finley and punches her right in the face. Bold but also appropriate.

Who Wins? Again, let’s give this W to Dani!

The Suarez family is facing another pressing dilemma: what the hell are they gonna do with all this food? They should have a party anyhow, like Will Schuster did in Glee, thus enabling Santana and Quinn to have lesbian sex. Despite explicit instructions to remove herself from Dani’s life immediately, Sophie is on the horn trying to reach her.

NAH YOU ARE NOT GONNA LET CANADA WIN THE GAME ON A PENALTY CALL LIKE THAT COME THE FUCK ON

Virginia: Give her time. She’ll come around.
Maribel: Or she won’t.
Sophie: Nobody fucking asked you!

Virginia asks Sophie why Finley thought her little class presentation would have a positive outcome. Does Sophie love her? Sophie doesn’t answer the question. “I love Dani,” she says instead. Virginia suggests that maybe Dani will take her back.

I’m not sure if Sophie is genuinely as all-in on Dani as she says, but I do think in this moment her interest in marrying Dani is probably difficult to parse out from the utter catastrophe and emotional turmoil of what she’s currently facing. You never really know what it feels like to lose somebody until you do. You can try to prepare yourself, you can entertain a thought experiment wherein you consider hypothetically losing the person who’s been by your side for many years but that rehearsal will always be a dreamy cakewalk compared to the stark reality of opening night. Even if your relationship is objectively broken, even if you no longer make each other happy — it’s terrifying to let go of someone you love and have planned a life with. Especially due to your own fuck-up.

Even if Sophie did truly want to choose Finley, how? After the public spectacle of it all? After being outed as a cheater and a liar in front of her entire family, her friends, Mr. Dani, Shane, Marissa, Marissa’s husband and Marissa’s girlfriend? All of the extras who braved a pandemic to be present for this wedding, who dutifully waited outside in their N-95 masks for their time to shine? Would anybody besides me and my Gen Q podcast co-hosts be rooting for them? Would they feel like the black sheep of their social network? Would anybody in their remote network ever feel comfortable pressing “like” on a photo of Sophie and Finley grinning in their luxurious backyard pool? Would they feel like they had to succeed as a couple in order to justify everything they blew up to get there? ‘Cause that’s not a healthy place to be either!

On the one hand she has this beautiful life with this stable, employed, loyal, hot wife that was moments away from being certified by the government. On the other hand, a love nest with someone who has yet to reconcile her own internal demons and is a little adrift psychologically and logistically. And Sophie knows she hurt Dani, and no matter how much Dani hurt her by shutting her out and not being supportive when her grandma was in the hospital, this blows essentially all other methods of hurt out of the water. And like I said last week, if Dani can’t forgive her then that doesn’t just mean their relationship is over, it means Sophie has to grapple with what this says about her as a person. And that’s really hard to do! She will probably feel guilty for the rest of her life!

It’s evening at Natalice’s, and Alice is gunning for quote of the week already with, “You know what the weird thing is? I don’t even think Finley has seen The Graduate.” But lest we dwell in levity, let us get into a BIG FIGHT.

Lesbian Squabble #5: Is That a Poly in Your Pocket Or Are You Just Upset To See Me?
In the Ring: Nat vs. Alice

Nat: Do you think if Sophie had talked to Dani before, and just been honest about being attracted to Finley, that maybe Dani would’ve been okay with it?
Alice: Are you kidding?
Nat: I don’t know, I mean I have lots of clients who have sex outside of their primary relationship. Monogamy’s not for everyone.
Alice: Well it’s for most people, except the bad ones.
Nat: I just think open communication is so important.
Alice: Well, there’s nothing to communicate if you don’t cheat.

It’s for most people except the bad ones. This is both offensive and truly absurd, that Alice, who has been in the queer community in Los Angeles for three decades, is unfamiliar with non-monogamy and still believes it is a gross practice imposed upon humanity by bad people. Shane and Quiara were non-monogamous! So of coure Nat’s crestfallen — she cracked a door open into a conversation she wanted to have and Alice slammed it in her face. Also “there’s nothing to communicate if you don’t cheat” is absolutely inane.

Who Wins? Genuinely nobody, but definitely not Alice.

Alice listens to Nat CRY AND BRUSH HER TEETH in the bathroom. When Alice asks what’s wrong, Nat says she choked on some toothpaste — a very common dental issue many brushers struggle with on a daily basis!!! We do not talk about this enough! Louder for the people in the back!!!!!

Dani is unmoved by Sophie’s voice mails and pleas for reconcilliation and therefore she will be LITERALLY FLUSHING MONEY DOWN THE TOILET in a video to her former beloved.

The One Where She Takes Her Ring Off Her Finger and Donates It To an Unsuspecting Sea Turtle

Imagine that your friend just ruined your wedding by revealing that they’d fucked your fiancée and the next morning you are throwing jewelery down the toilet and then there’s a knock at the door and it’s fucking BETTE PORTER with a bag of food from TARTINE?

Here, it’s poison

Well, here’s what Dani would do: claim she’s totally fine and needs nothing and nobody, which tbh, is a classic Bette Porter move!

Now that Tess has been “blackballed” from every Poker table in town (which would be legitimately impossible for Eddy to actually pull off) and therefore is in serious financial turmoil, Shane’s determined to fix the problem she unsurprisingly caused by opening up her own poker game at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern. It feels like they’re trying to make a Dawn Denbo parallel, but Dawn Denbo was a skinny white lesbian trying to put Kit Porter out of business. For a show that so rarely (read: never) has Black masculine characters, having this be the entirety of Eddy’s role in the story is irresponsible and offensive.

Tess worries Shane’s not discrete enough to pull off this type of enterprise.

And for my next act, I will make love to a wooden pole

“Trouble follows you,” Tess declares, correctly.

Back at the home formerly known as DaSoMi’s, Micah and Maribel are developing what i’m certain is eventual sexual chemistry while returning wedding gifts and ragging on homewreckers. Like Finley, who arrives, surveys the scene, and promptly recuses herself from “sending back the gifts for the wedding I ruined.”

Could I interest anybody in driving me to Trader Joe’s and buying me some Turkey Jerky and Dried Mango?

I think you’re gonna be on your own there bud

When Micah declines a call from Jose and also pretends it wasn’t Jose, Maribel starts an emotional prodding session, noting that Jose is still married and therefore Micah “is the Finley.” Micah insists he’s not the Finley ’cause he didn’t even know Scotty existed. “Buy you do now, so,” Maribel drops the mic. Finley announces she is gonna ditch the marriage-ruining talk to go vomit.

Just a heads up I’m taking the goldfish!

Welp, it’s time to take your woes to work at The Aloce Show! Sophie’s depressed but eager to work, because like I always say, “you can type and cry at the same time.” Also, big news for Alice and bad news for Sophie: Finley’s back, she’s got the correct coffee in her hand and accurate knowledge regarding the soup of the day at Alice’s favorite lunch spot. Alice and Finley share an enthusiastic hug and Finley’s like, “I hope that wasn’t an HR thing.” Awww.

You got any of those like makeup thingamagigs I could use to cover this black eye

I think you’re gonna be on your own there bud

Sophie tells Alice she actually will take that producer job because it sounds more fun than having a nervous breakdown. Regarding Finley’s presence in the workspace, she promises Alice her personal life will not impede her success in the workplace and I’d like to wish everybody a big Good Luck on that.

Micah hits up Jose for a little heart-to-heart and we’re on a one-way road to Squabble-Town.

Gay Squabble #6: No Way Jose
In the Ring: Micah vs. Jose
Content: Micah doesn’t wanna put anyone in the position Dani’s in right now, even Jose’s stupid-ass husband. Also, Jose is a liar. Jose says he never lied to Micah, he meant every word he said, which is absolute nonsense. “You’re lying right now!” Micah points out. “You’re a fundamentally dishonest person!” Then Scott peeks out to see if everything’s okay and Jose’s like, “yeah we’re just catching up. You remember Micah?” DUDE.

“Fuck you,” says Micah before getting the hell out of this disaster.

Who Wins? Micah. But he is almost overshadowed by the depths to which Jose loses!

Alice’s book editor Tom, who you may remember from his halcyon days cruising through Beverly Hills with Cher and Dionne sharing theories regarding whomst is a Friend of Dorothy and how to drive, has arrived on the set of The Aloce Show to craft literary magic between takes. He finds himself immediately intimidated by the glitz and glamour.

He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?

Good news: Alice’s draft is very funny and he loved the chapter about legendary MILF Lenore. But he’s here to help her combine humor and pathos. “We know you’re funny,” Tom says. “But now we need to know what it felt like the day your Dad left… we wanna know how you and your girlfriend weather the storm.” Finley and Tom become best friends immediately, Alice has a bisexual flag on her desk, and she apparently was unaware that part of writing a celebrity book is that someone else is actually going to write it!

I dunno man all I was told is that Paul Bunyon’s wife just popped out a Paul Bunyon Junior and I’m just doing my best to help out

The L Word Generation Q Episode 201 Recap: Late To The Party Foul

Welcome to the first recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, a show about a sociopathic aspiring lesbian club mogul with a Lover named Cindy who moves to Los Angeles to destroy every lesbian eatery and bar that interferes with her dreams, orchestrates a backroom threesome with the town ladykiller on opening night, ruins a very fun party after said ladykiller has sex with aforementioned Lover (who is naked except for her kitten heels) on their white couch, hosts a scandalous oil wrestling event where young starlets rip each other’s hair out, unleashes a cage of wild rats in a local coffeehouse and then hosts a mafia-style showdown with her rivals in a scorching hot conference room during a city-wide power outage, after which time she is bested by a rich heiress who steals her club and her girlfriend, the afore-aforementioned Lover Cindy, who loves pastries and silk tank tops.

It’s finally time for this absolutely ridiculous adventure into Season Two of this show. Do you remember Season One? Back before so many of us had stared into the dark void of our own humanity for a series of terrifying months? Ah were we ever so young. We will never be young again! LOL!

Question for Everybody: When do you plan to watch the episodes? Friday mornings? Friday nights? Saturday? Sunday? Lemme know so I know the ideal time to drop this recap!

We open at the Tower Of Babel, which Sophie Suarez is ascending, wearing a sharp tailored suit and a tentative facial expression. As the music swells around us, I think to myself “hmmm, this definitely isn’t the Hollywood Burbank Airport aka the Bob Hope Airport, a public airport three miles northwest of downtown Burbank in Los Angeles County.” As you may recall, last we saw our young charges, Sophie was running through the airport in her Wildfang outfit, Dani was wearing Gucci high-tops and Finley was boarding an airplane while listening to my favorite podcast, To L and Back. But my friends, time has passed, as it so often does. And at the top of the stairs, Sophie finds her dearly betrothed Dani looking very hot.

Sorry the only spot I could find was a meter so we have like 45 minutes before I gotta bounce and also, I fucked Finley in the green room

It turns out that Sophie did visit the Aloha State with Dani, but they didn’t marry there. Instead, they intend to marry right here, in sunny Los Angeles California!!! Inside a very large building!!!!

Dani’s father is now 100% on board with the union, citing Sophie’s integrity and generosity. Furthermore, he has never seen his daughter as happy as she is right now in this moment, probably because he has never seen her look at art with Bette Porter.

To the brides! (To the brides, to the brides, to the brides)
From your father (Rodolfo, Rodolfo, Rodolfo)
Who is sometimes by your side

We leap back in time an entire 15 hours to find Shane in a skinny tie (classic) and shoes I deeply covet (sure), walking her new dog friend, who I will call Sounder III, through an underground tunnel. Here, my friends, we stumble upon the Lost Butches of Los Angeles, hidden behind a vending machine that appears to be delivering candy bars and Cups-o-Noodles but is actually a door. And who is behind that door??!!

You knew it was only a matter of time before I showed up here, yeah?

It’s Eddy (Lena Waithe), who has allegedly been eager to meet Shane, as allegedly they are the “white and Black versions of each other” because every masculine person of color in L.A. is just an [ethnicity] version of Shane. Turns out Tess is an employee of both Dana’s and Cup o Noodles Secret Texas Hold Em Club and she will be dealing this evening with no limits.

She’s just a skinny little white girl.

Told you so

A hot femme in a hot pink dress flirts with Shane while Eddy looks on. DANGER!!!!

We then travel over the 405 and into the woods over to the annals of education, where Alice and Nat are dropping off the kids and Alice is re-reading a draft of her upcoming memoir, in which there’ll be a chapter called “Boobs, Tubes and Pubes” that will not be about the Autostraddle column Boobs on Your Tube but in fact about Alice’s ovarian cysts. This is important for ovarian cyst visibility!

Wow, Zan is really coming into his own on these videos! He says YES now every time!

Stuck in line behind a hetero soccer Mom, Nat suggests a quick tryst in the backseat but Alice has only begun to scale the median when who should pop in but Gigi!!! Gigi is here to give Eli his class cupcakes, inform us that Nat’s always been into public sex, chew two pieces of Alice’s gum, and give me false hope that they might one day have another threesome.

How would you say this compares to Wonka’s Magic Chewing Gum?

Alice suggests they find Gigi a girlfriend and Nat is like, “that is why I love you, you have all the best ideas.” Hopefully Alice is gonna just shake the lesbian phone tree and see if maybe Pink falls out and then wants to raise her glass with Bette.

We then shoot across town to Chez Bette, where our Lady of Porter is gamely pulling off some bold taupe leisurewear and speaking to a potential employer as Tina and Carrie show up and my friends the class war starts at home!!!!!

Good god you don’t ENTER with your entire hand in a balled-up fist, you have to start out more like this until you are all the way in

Yes the legendary Rosie O’Donnell is playing Carrie and I would take a bullet for her. A classic silver fox in a practical shirt about to die of shame over kinda nicking Bette’s mailbox? Who then offers to fix it up real fast no problem if Bette perhaps has some housepaint? Who had a Groupon for a Vietnamese bakery and got them all some giant meat buns? Who hasn’t heard of the internationally renowned art guy who wants to hire Bette? Welcome to Los Angeles, Carrie, we are so very happy to have you!

I’m so sorry they were out of Junior Mints but I got Mint M’n’Ms, York Peppermint Patties, a handful of Andes Mints and also kidnapped Mr. Mint from Candyland and stuffed him in the bottom of the bag for good measure

Basically Carrie is the polar opposite of Bette. While Carrie’s clearly eager to impress her forerunner, Bette cannot tolerate the simple fact of Carrie’s existence, let alone anything she actually dares to say out loud. It’s a big shift for Tina, too.

Oddly enough, it was from Rosie that I first heard this idea that “in every couple, one person is the flower and the other is the gardener.” The gardener is steady, reliable, calm, controlled. She waters the plants and picks the right soil. The flower blooms. I don’t think that’s true about every couple, I think that’s actually a very specific kind of relationship — one that’s probably especially common amongst celebrities with non-famous partners. But it was absolutely true about Bette and Tina. And maybe now… Tina has a gardener of her own?

Angie bounds in to the kitchen to be a normal teenager not involved in this tense love triangle of intergenerational lesbian romance and to eat some breakfast. She says it’s cool that Tina and Carrie wanna get married this summer in Palm Springs, which is honestly a terrible idea because it will be at LEAST 120 degrees and everybody will melt and die faster than my dreams in March 2020.

Whaddya say we rent a white van and go T.P. Elisabeth Hassleback’s mansion?

More pressing to Angie is that she’s got no idea who her donor is, unlike me and all other viewers of Season One of The L Word, who remember illustrious artist Marcus Allenwood. Unfortunately, her Moms squash that potential journey of discovery immediately, explaining she can’t meet her donor ’cause they’d agreed he would stay anonymous until she turned 18.

Carrie quite adorably begins rambling about how she did one of those genetics tests you can get in the mail and found out she was 100% IRISH and had family in West Palm Beach in the jet ski industry! Unfortunately, Mama B and Mama T don’t like the idea of Angie doing a genealogy test either.

Bette is… sad.

Back at DaSoMi’s chateau, Dani’s eyeing a table of tiny paper tents upon which the seating-related fate of their wedding guests is at stake.

The maverick should be able to trade lumber for agricultural credits. How have I not thought of this before?

Sophie implores her betrothed to stop obsessing over the seating at their wedding.

Dani: Do you think my Dad can just sit at a table in the corner by himself?
Sophie: Whatever Nuñez, it’s gonna be perfect because after we’re gonna go to your family’s house in Ojai and be naked all day.
Dani: Maybe we should just run away now.
Sophie: No no no no no. I wanna make these people cry. (Slaps her ass) So don’t fuck it up.

Actually… lemme tell you more about the trivia cards because you’re gonna need to know about the roadblocks first!

Dani texts Micah who’s allegedly at the gym but is NOT actually at the gym because he is putting his clothes back on after doing SEXUALS with JOSE who is MARRIED.

C’mon why are you leaving me to help out with somebody else’s doomed marriage when I have my own doomed marriage right here?

Exposition time!!!!!!!!!

1. Jose can’t go to the wedding with Micah.
2. Jose moved back in with his husband so they can break up their marriage?

It’s time to give this man the boot!

IT’S THE ALOCE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Big news: Margaret Cho keeps calling, and thus I anticipate she will appear on a future episode. Alice explains to Sophie that she is SWAMPED these days with writing her book and doing the show and holding a water bottle and on top of all that, they want her to launch a new segment!

And then I was like, “but Smartwater has SO many electrolytes, why would I switch to TAP?”

Alice: The network wants me to do a new segment on the show this season, like a carpool karaoke but with more gravitas? So like Carpool Karaoke meets—
Sophie: Intervention?
Alice: No, like Ellen’s Teacher Giveaways meets Oprah 2.0 meets the viral nature of carpool karaoke?
Sophie: So uplifting, but not silly, but interesting enough for people to watch and share?
Alice: Right. But through the Alice lens.
Sophie: Alright, I didn’t think I had to say QUEER.

Guess what: Alice needs to hire a producer for the segment and she’s got her eye on our very own Sophie Suarez, which’s great ’cause Sophie was craving a production job back in Season One, which aired 150 years ago. However Sophie’s reaction to this news does not seem to reflect expected enthusiasm levels, perhaps because her heart is heavy. Why is that? We will find out very soon!

Also, the assistant Alice hired to replace Finley is really bad at coffee.

Alice feels lost without Finley! Finley made great coffee. Finley gave her encouraging finger-guns to pump Alice up and make her feel jazzed up with the eye of the tiger.

But, it turns out the reason Sophie and Dani’s intended marriage has proceeded at an alarming clip is not ’cause Sophie resolved her dilemma with either party. It’s because she has banished Finley from the Los Angeles metro area.

Alice: You don’t think Finley’s coming back? There’s not a chance or anything.
Sophie: NO. She’s not coming back. She’s staying in Kansas City forever.
Alice: Well, I’m gonna have to switch to tea if that’s the case.

Alice asks her inadequate assistant to get Sarah Finley on the horn.

Jordie and Angie are being REALLY FUCKING CUTE. Angie’s chomping on a sandwich, and Jordie’s hair is waving in the wind, and they are clearly deeply in love but also respect and value each other for who they are as people!?!?!

And then I was sitting in Kit’s office hanging out waiting for Mama T and Mama B to come get me and I found a gun and I was like hm, I wonder how this would feel in my tiny baby hands

ANYHOW Jordie suggests that Angie try the genetics test if meeting the donor is totally off the table. Angie fears Bette won’t go for that ’cause it was Carrie’s idea. In fact, just this morning, Angie noticed that Bette was horrified by Carrie’s inalienable right to exist. Jordi says Carrie is the best and Angie agrees. Gen Z rules!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, Mom’s at Dana’s with her best buds, Alice and Shane, acting like she was not aggressively meat-tagged at The Planet in 2007 and is at risk of Dying Alone.

The giant Bette Porter murals were just so beautiful I simply saw no good reason to remove them from view

Bette: I think it’s because their togetherness just highlights the fact that I’m alone, and Tina has Carrie and she makes her laugh and she’s all JOKEY and I have… oh yeah that’s right! I have no one and I’m gonna die alone.
Shane: No no no no, you know why that’s not gonna happen? Because you always have Angie.
Bette: (scoffs)
Shane: What’s wrong with that?
Alice: Yeah, you two could be like, the Grey Gardens of this generation. But I mean in a much nicer house. Less racoons.
Shane: Cleaner, for sure.

This reminds me of when I was like, I’m going to die alone because nobody will ever love me, and Heather was like, that’s not true, Carol loves you so much!

How many fingers am I holding up?

I dunno, 8??!

Bette’s questioning the likelihood that she’ll ever meet someone who meets all of her criteria. Considering she’s one of the most beloved lesbians in the history of the sport, I’d say her chances of meeting someone criteria-approved is in the 100% range. This, by the way, is her criteria:

1. Has kids of her own
2. Isn’t married
3. Isn’t straight
4. Has a job
5. No, not a job, a career
6. And must be passionate about her work

Alice and Shane are skeptical that she truly wants a lady with a career instead of a wifey wife who will do the dry-cleaning and iron her yoga shirts and make balsamic reductions for her to eat when she comes home from her passionate job. Then Alice is like OMG, I know the perfect person to set you up with!

Shane: Don’t let her set you up, that’s how I ended up spending my 30th with eight hippies in a fucking yurt.
Alice: Okay, you loved it.

For anybody following along at home, this anecdote means that the unaired spin-off in which Alice went to jail for Jenny’s murder is officially not cannon, ’cause she would’ve been in jail for Shane’s 30th!