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Who Do You Love: @notallgeminis x Autostraddle Do Queer Valentine’s Day Memes

Happy Valentine’s Day, queers! We wanted to get you something special to show we really care, and we heard you like astrology and St. Vincent and Dua Lipa’s Grammy duet, so we teamed up with Courtney Perkins of @notallgeminis Instagram fame to bring you the sexiest smartest funniest memes y’all have ever seen roasting every single sign not once, not twice, but four times. Because you’re worth it. Please enjoy being called out over and over, and make sure to send this gift of a post to all the babes in your life. Oh, and obviously – tag yourself in the comments!

all memes created by Courtney Perkins of @notallgeminis

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Janelle Monáe, Brandi Carlile, Lady Gaga and St. Vincent Gayed Up the 2019 Grammys

I didn’t have plans to watch last night’s 61st annual Grammy Awards because last year’s Grammys were the worst awards show we’ve been subjected to in a while, which, as you know, is saying something — but when Michelle Obama trended on Twitter two minutes after the show started, my curiosity and abiding love got the best of me and I turned it on. Boi, am I glad I did! Not only did I get to see Dolly Parton honored with a moving tribute by Dolly Parton, I also got to witness the gayest, most women-dominated Grammys ever.

Last year, Recording Academy president Neil Portno earned the rightful ire of fans and artists when he responded to the dismal number of Grammy nominations for women by saying if women want to be recognized in the music industry they needed “to step up.” This year, women ran the night. Michelle Obama opened the show alongside Lady Gaga, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jennifer Lopez, and Alicia Keys (who also hosted). The most memorable performances and wins of the night came from women, including tributes to Dolly and Aretha. Cardi B became the first solo woman to win Best Rap Album. And, for the first time ever, a woman, Emily Lazar, won master engineer of an album for her work on Beck’s Colors.

Below are some of the queer highlights of the night.

Janelle Monáe brought Dirty Computer to the stage.

https://twitter.com/msvnbl/status/1094865494119772165

She was robbed of the two wins she deserved — Album of the Year and Best Music Video — but that didn’t stop Janelle Monáe from performing “Make Me Feel,” flipping the lyrics between “Girl, you make me feel” and “Boy, you make me feel,” all while those pants from “PYNK” made a primetime reappearance.

Brandi Carlile made history with her wins.

The most nominated woman of the night took home gramophone trophies for Best Americana Album (By the Way, I Forgive You), Best American Roots Performance, and Best American Roots Song (“The Joke”), making her the first LGBTQ person to win in those categories. She also stunned the audience with a performance of her award-winning song, jumping around by the end with such energy it catapulted the audience into a standing ovation. On the red carpet before the show, she said, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt so seen in my life.”

St. Vincent snagged two trophies.

St. Vincent and Jack Antonoff’s “MASSEDUCTION” won Best Rock Song and the MASSEDUCTION album won Best Recording Package. She also performed the song — and a little “One Kiss” with a shout out to Aretha’s “Respect” — with Dua Lipa, much to the audience’s delight.

Lady Gaga racked up more awards.

https://twitter.com/Iokistiel/status/1094845907252768769

Lady Gaga added three more Grammys to her already enormous pile. “Joanne (Where Do You Think You’re Goin’?)” won for Best Solo Pop Performance. And A Star Is Born‘s “Shallow,” which she also performed, won for Best Song Written for Visual Media and Best Pop Duo/Group Performance.

Dolly and Miley duetted.

Every awards show needs a ten-minute Dolly tribute, in my opinion. This year’s featured Dolly herself, along with Katy Perry, Kacey Musgraves, Maren Morris, Little Big Town, and most especially her goddaughter Miley Cyrus, who helped her bring the house down with “Jolene.” Dolly is the first country music singer to be named the MusiCares Person of the Year.

Kacey Musgraves won album of the year.

Longtime, super outspoken LGBTQ ally Kacey Musgraves won Album of the Year and Best Country Album of the Year for Golden Hour. Gay singer-songwriter Shane McAnally co-wrote “Space Cowboy,” my personal favorite song off this very good album, and took home a Grammy for it.

What were your favorite moments of the night?

11 Surprise LGBTQ Moments From the 2018 Oscars

Change was in the air at the 90th Academy Awards last night. While most of the winners were still white men, there were some notable victories for queer people and people of color; the stage was stacked with POC presenters; and trans women were represented better than ever. The show also featured three commercials starring a variety of queer folks. It was actually quite a surprise! It seemed like nothing was going to be queer this year; we didn’t even liveblog! So let’s count ’em down: here are the top 11 LGBTQ moments from the 2018 Oscars. (In no particular order.)

Twitter’s #HereWeAre ad was narrated by queer spoken word poet Denice Frohman.

https://twitter.com/Twitter/status/970384028422496256

The Dee Rees-directed Wal-Mart commercial starred a lesbian couple helping their daughter dream big.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNmzeFjo0eQ

This Samsung Galaxy ad starred Dee Rees, Rachel Morrison, and non-binary actor Olabisi Kovabel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxGtPsA6C9k&feature=youtu.be

Lesbian Academy Award winner Debra Chasnoff was featured in the In Memoriam. She passed away last year at the age of 60 after a battle with breast cancer. Mombian notes that Chanoff was the first openly gay person to thank her partner when winning an Oscar, for her documentary Deadly Deception: General Electric, Nuclear Weapons and Our Environment, in 1992.

Coco won Best Animated Feature and both the producer, Darla K. Anderson, and the co-director, Adrian Molina, are gay! And they thanked their spouses while championing diversity in film.

https://youtu.be/cClLL7f3H8k?t=1m25s

A Fantastic Woman won Best Foreign Language Film. It tells the story of a trans woman dealing with the grief of losing someone she loves and the oppression she faces as she tries to move on, and it stars trans actress Daniela Vega. Vega also became the first openly trans presenter in Oscars history last night.

Vega introduced Sufjan Stevens, whose performance of Call Me By Your Name‘s “Mystery of Love” had a surprise St. Vincent.

Call Me By Your Name, the gay coming-of-age story set in Italy in the ’80s, won Best Adapted Screenplay, making gay screenwriter James Ivory the oldest Oscar winner in history, at he age of 89!

https://twitter.com/TrevellAnderson/status/970436916104413184

Common and Andra Day shared the stage with ten activists during their performance of “Stand Up for Something.” Among them: Janet Mock!

The diversity in film package featured Dee Rees, Daniela Vega, and Yance Ford, the first trans person to ever be nominated for Best Director.

Jodie Foster and Jennifer Lawrence presented the Best Leading Actress award to Frances McDormand. That award is usually presented by the winner of Best Leading Actor from the previous year, but in 2017 that was Casey Affleck, and #MeToo/Time’s Up forced him to stay home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94yKLV8k2aE

What were some of your favorite Oscars moments this year?

Style Thief: Every Single G*ddamn Outfit in St. Vincent’s “New York” Video

Okay, so I’ve watched St. Vincent’s “New York” a million times. It’s so good! Annie Clark takes things I think I’d never wear in a million years and suddenly, I need them — and so, I’ve tracked down how to recreate every outfit in the video.

At least for Halloween, when we can try out alternate versions of ourselves, this is my new look. And maybe yours, too!

St. Translucent

Two shots of St. Vincent in a white tank, transparent rain jacket, and pearlescent disco leggings, holding a transparent umbrella
Oh Annie, your details! This luminous look includes:

• A sheer white coat (this one will look way cooler unbuttoned and casually draped over your shoulders, obvs).
• A classic spaghetti strap top.
• Sleek, shiny leggings.
• Soft, spiraling earrings.
• A clear dome umbrella.
• Some very ’80s blue eyeshadow and matching nail polish.

Glam Jumpsuit Witch

Where in god’s name did you find a jumpsuit with those queen bitch sleeves? Who is your designer, girl? Here’s how to look this bad in black:

• A jumpsuit with statement shoulders.
• Dangerous-looking heels.
• Chunky gold earrings.
• Plum lipstick and bronze eyeshadow.

Swan Song

Classic SV, bringing back the single glove in singular fashion. Shine similarly in that lip color from above, as well as:

• A very sparkly tube dress.
• Black patent thigh-high boots.
• One or two pink opera-length gloves.
• Pink eyeshadow and serious scarlet nail polish.

Swan not included. (Or recommended — they can be mean!)

Red Queen

Check out our Annie, perched casually like 100 feet above NYC. Maybe don’t try that bit at home, but definitely try this look with:

• A bright red unitard.
• A strappy orange swimsuit.
• More patent boots, this time in red.
• Geometric earrings.
• Bright pink lipstick and thick black eyeliner.

Pretty in Polka Dots

Of the entire video, I think I like this look the best. Here are the components:

• A sheer, Swiss-dotted bodysuit (straight size here, plus size here).
• Matching tights.
• A simple bandeau top and panties.
• A voluminous dotted necklace.
• Bright orange lipstick.
• Probably those same black heels from the jumpsuit look. You know, if you’re into wearing shoes.

Green Jacket Goddess

I’m green with envy over this one. Here’s what you’ll need to recreate it:

• A rich green trenchcoat.
• Shiny black leggings to cover dat butt.
• More black patent high boots.
• Super red lipstick and matching nail polish.

Leopard Lover

Rowr! Get Annie’s Astor Place Cube captive look with these:

• A high-neck leopard bodysuit (straight size here, plus size here).
• Opaque pink tights.
• Equally pink patent pumps.
• Pearly pink eyeshadow.

Pink Velour Shopper

Oops, I just became obsessed with pink velvet lingerie sets! Here’s how to shop in style like SV:

• A velvet bralette and undies set.
• Light pink tights.
• A wiggly, pearlescent choker.
• Pink nail polish to match.

Sad Gardener

Ahh yes, the inevitable post-breakup planting sesh. Pick up these pieces and get familiar:

• A shiny, sculptural bodysuit.
• Sheer black tights.
• Fake daisies to glue to said tights, if you’re really committed.
• Square-ish silver post earrings.
• Remember those black heels up there ^^^?
• What about that red lipstick and nail polish?
• Or that blue 1980s shadow? Just a tiny touch of that.

Disco Dream

Dressing up? Dancing? Crying? All of my favorite party activities. This ensemble will see you through them:

• A flashy gold minidress.
• Glittery silver heels.
• Shimmery tights.
• Slick and shiny silver eyeshadow, and matching nail polish.

Just These Rock & Roll Heels

Feet playing a giant piano on the ground, in studded black heels.I did say every outfit.

What’s your favorite look from “New York”?

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OK Guys, Which Celesbian Is The New St Vincent Song About?

Late Thursday night, celestial creature and Vapid Fluff regular St Vincent released her latest song, downtrodden ballad “New York.” You’ve heard it; your ex sent it to you that night, followed by a ? emoji.

“New York isn’t New York without you, love / So far in a few blocks to be so low / And if I call you from First Avenue / Where you’re the only motherfucker in this city who can handle me,” Clark sings mournfully, and the entire world stops. I’m not even a huge St Vincent fan and this song completely ruined me.

So who’s the song about? Clark has famously dated musician/actress Carrie Brownstein, model/actress Cara Delevingne and actress/sulkmonster Kristen Stewart (she was also rumored to be involved with musician Lissy Trullie in or around 2009). Is the song about heartbreaker Carrie Brownstein? Both performers are notoriously private, and although tabloids love to speculate about the breakup being less than amicable, little is known about their relationship or its demise.

(Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/VF13/WireImage)

Of these, it seems that her most intense relationship was with Delevingne, with whom Clark was rumored to be engaged; the two seem to have remained good friends. As far as we know, all clues seem to point in this direction.

“New love wasn’t true love, back to you, love / So much for a home run with some blue bloods / If I last-strawed you on Eighth Avenue / Where you’re the only motherfucker in the city who can stand me.” Story checks out!

Remember when Cara and Annie broke up and then Annie was almost immediately spotted walking down Astor Place with Kristen Stewart in matchy-matchy outfits? And then five minutes later that relationship was over too, and Cara and Annie were seen out together in LA? I do.

https://twitter.com/ridll/status/808919690189926400?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=http%3A%2F%2Fperezhilton.com%2F2016-12-14-kristen-stewart-cara-delevingne-stella-maxwell-st-vincent-spotted

“New York isn’t New York without you, love / Too few of our old crew left on Astor / So if I trade our ‘hood for some Hollywood / Where you’re the only motherfucker in the city who would / Only motherfucker in the city who would / Only motherfucker in the city who’d forgive me.”

Cara, if you’re out there, don’t fuck it up.

OK Fine: Are Kristen Stewart And Annie Clark Dating Now Or What?

Look, I don’t like this any more than you do.

In last week’s No Filter, we posited the (semi-substantiated) theory that Carrie Brownstein and Abbi Jacobson were dating one another – a theory widely noted across the internet, because by generally accepted standards, there is no tangible proof. Carrie and Abbi have not explicitly acknowledged the nature of their relationship in a way that we generally expect celebrities to. They have not made a statement or been photographed walking hand-in-hand through the Gelson’s spaghetti sauce aisle. We here at Vapid Fluff HQ stand by our declaration because of corroboration from trustworthy sources in Portland, but without social media confirmation it’s difficult to definitively prove such things to the world at large. So how do we know when a pair of celebrities are dating? How can we be sure that two women walking next to each other on the street are girlfriends or gal pals or just walking into the same coffee shop at the same time?

This leads us to the conundrum of the hour: Kristen Stewart and Annie Clark.

Here’s what we know:

It seems that the once-lauded relationship between “tangle of kinetic limbs” Cara Delevingne and ethereal beam of unwavering light Annie Clark has come to an end. This particular pairing frankly never made much sense to us, but they’d been very open about how in love they were and seemed very happy. Since then, Delevingne has been partying with Amber Heard, cavorting with tigers and FaceTiming with Taylor Swift. As for Annie, well… Every time she’s appeared in the tabloids lately, it’s been with everybody’s favorite sourpuss, Kristen Stewart.

cucdpf-w8aaj8mc

I don’t want this to be true, OK? I keep thinking about Alicia Cargile holding Kristen’s shoes on the Cannes red carpet, or the notoriously guarded Kristen gushing about Alicia to reporters for the very first time, or the serene pouts on both their faces when they march back to the car after getting lattes in Los Feliz. I think about Alicia’s sweet, despondent tweets during the couple’s separation earlier this year, and how genuinely content they’d seemed after their reconciliation. I don’t often get emotionally invested in the comings and goings of celebrity relationships, but I was really rooting for these two. As of this moment, it’s been weeks since Stewart and Cargile were photographed together at any of their predictable haunts. This doesn’t always mean anything, especially considering how notoriously private the pair are. Still.

I’ve denied whatever is going on here for as long as I possibly could. Guys, I think something is going on between Kristen and Annie. In early September, the pair were spotted eating a meal and attending an improv show together, which seemed innocent enough. Since then, as it’s become much more obvious that Cara and Annie’s relationship is over, Annie’s been seen with Stewart quite a bit more. Here they are strolling down St Marks Place in New York this past week, probably on their way to purchase a bong and some FroYo:

cucd7pvweae8man

photo via “Mr Snappy,” apparently

Tabloids were quick to point out the similar outfits Clark and Stewart are wearing, and if that’s an indicator of these two dating, my friends and I have a lot to answer for. However, tongues began to wag – are these guys together, or just suddenly really good friends? What happened to Cara and Alicia? Maybe Alicia and Kristen have an open thing? Maybe St. Vincent was always one of Kristen’s Five? Annie later appeared with Stewart at the premiere of her film Certain Women.

Saturday night, Los Angeles-based comedian Liza Dye met the pair backstage at a gig, and the pair were spotted apparently leaving the venue together, looking pretty cozy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLWOUyqhcsl/?taken-by=lizadye

I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t want to believe it. And yet, here we are. Sources on the ground in LA have been unable to present Vapid Fluff HQ with a definitive answer either way, but the mounting evidence is difficult to deny. Oh No They Didn’t has put together a comprehensive guide to Kristen’s [alleged] history of [allegedly] cheating on her previous partners. From here on out, all we can do is remain vigilant and wait for a sign from the heavens.

Pop Culture Fix: St. Vincent and Amandla Stenberg Are Making Feminist Movies For You

This is your Pop Culture Fix and I am this week’s host. This week is a good week because the sun is finally shining in New York City and also because two of my favorite/two of the most feminist TV shows return to my loving arms. Yes, my friends, it’s time once again for Orphan Black and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. (Females are strong as hell.)

Movies

+ Amandla Stenberg is on her way to NYU’s famed Tisch School of the Arts, and so she went ahead and uploaded the film that got her in. It’s called Blue Girls Burn Fast. It sure is queer. It’s got some snappy dialogue. And it’s very film school.

+ Guess who else made you a movie? It’s St. Vincent! Well, she’s in the process of it at least. She has written and plans to direct a feminist horror film that will be part of a female-helmed anthology that includes “four deadly tales by four killer women.” I wonder if she knows any queer actresses she could cast as the lead.

Teevee

+ Gawker’s io9 is alsp now marveling at The 100’s queer fandom, and giving some mainstream attention to femslash fan fiction. (Don’t read the comments.)

And this conversation, which is coming to dominate the TV criticism conversation, is happening because of the tiny migratory fandom that didn’t shut up, and instead got smarter and savvier with their complaints. Femslash has come a long way from The Facts of Life.

+ Raven’s back on Black-ish tonight. Her first appearance as Dre’s lesbian sister (whom everyone in the family thought just lived with her lady mechanic) was fantastic, so obviously I can’t wait to see her again. I’ll have a full report for you in Friday’s Boob(s On Your) Tube.

+ Cece’s former girlfriend, Megan Fox, is coming back to New Girl next season because yes, indeed, it has been renewed.

Famous Queers, Out and About

+ Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual talked to Marie Claire about being bisexual.

Personally, I’ve been very open about my bisexuality because I was terrified growing up and felt very alone. There are misconceptions—a lot of people think that you’re confused if you’re bisexual. They want you to be either gay or straight. And there’s bi-phobia in the straight community, as well as in the LGBT community, which breaks my heart. There’s nothing more frustrating than people who fight against bigotry and closed-mindedness and then turn around and subject other people to the same things. Like fragrance, sexuality is just a really personal thing.

(The article is also about perfume. I forgot to mention that part. That fragrance analogy really threw you, huh?)

+ Vanity Fair spotlights Rowan Blanchard this month. She and Amandla Stenberg make me so excited about the future of queer folks in pop culture. The interview is in three parts. Here’s the first one.

“I feel strongly about everything, especially anything that relates to girlhood. I think girls and people of color get more representation on TV than they do on film. I want to make sure girls are carrying their own narratives—we’re not just a side thing.”

Also.Also.Also.

https://twitter.com/EverythingGoats/status/720044122061586432

Wait, Are Cara Delevingne And Annie Clark Engaged Or What?

feature image via Getty Images/David M Bennett

Cara Delevingne and Annie Clark have been dating for quite some time now, and they’ve made their commitment to one another very clear. They’ve gushed to the press, attended events together, posted gooey Instagram #wcw posts — remember when Cara bought Annie that guitar signed by David Bowie? Ever since we noticed they’d been walking next to each other a whole lot, our hearts have been captivated by these two weirdos. Annie Clark is St. Vincent, ethereal guitar goddess, and Cara Delevingne has been pretty OK in my book ever since she got wasted at a basketball game with former girlfriend Michelle Rodriguez.

Our first portrait of a couple in love

With that in mind, we face these current rumors of Cara and Annie’s engagement with some raised eyebrows. They’re definitely super serious — they’ve been together over a year, and they’ve been seen wearing matching rings for months. In lesbian years, that’s like fifteen years, and with minimal breakup rumors! My skepticism mainly rests in the tabloids’ proof resting solely upon an anonymous tipster (who may or may not exist) who claims to have witnessed the proposal, which took place — gag — atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Cara, come on.

“There are two lifts going up the tower and they were in the one ahead,” the source gushes. “As my group got out of the lift I could see Cara on bended knee, clearly proposing to her girlfriend. It was really touching. Cara obviously likes to do things traditionally.”

Does Cara strike you as the kind of girl who likes to do things traditionally?

Happy Valentimes!

Happy Valentimes!

There are pictures of Annie and Cara (well, the backs of their coats, anyway) atop the tower, so they were certainly there, and probably something romantic happened? But if you’re Cara Delevingne and Annie Clark, you don’t get engaged at the Eiffel friggin’ Tower. Do you???

Here are some cooler/more romantic places for queer supermodels and rock stars to get engaged:

  • On a SpaceX rocket, in actual outer space
  • At a screening of Carol
  • In Annie’s dream, via inception
  • Via Home Depot flash mob
  • Inside a featured Drake single
  • 10,000 leagues under the sea
  • Aboard Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyland
  • At the Olive Garden
  • By drone
  • Via a specially created app game experience
  • Off the coast of Beyonce’s private island, while riding a jetski
  • On the wing of a private jet
  • In line at Hale and Hearty Soup
  • Romi and Dusty’s Vegas wedding
  • Via AIM away message
  • Columbus Circle, Manhattan’s most romantic location according to Carrie Bradshaw
  • Inside a bottle of kombucha
  • Never, because love is a lie and everyone dies alone
  • At a Miley Cyrus backyard session
  • Via commissioned word puzzle on Wheel of Fortune
  • Dave Navarro’s house
  • At Sara Quin’s cat’s birthday party
  • Within the credits of a Law and Order: SVU episode
  • A Camp
  • Onstage at a Taylor Swift concert*

* – most likely contender

All that aside, Annie just released a killer cover of “Emotional Rescue” and Cara was recently seen hiding inside a giant furry coat and markedly not wearing a ring on her ring finger (horrors!), so! Cara, if you haven’t proposed yet and are merely considering it, please take one of our suggestions and make sure we get first dibs on the photos.

No Filter Hit The Red Carpet With Laverne Cox, Ellen Page And St. Vincent

Welcome back to No Filter, where I keep my finger on the pulse of the hottest stories in the 24-hour news cycle. This week, it was New York Fashion Week I guess? Everywhere I went, everyone was convinced that Rihanna was partying somewhere nearby. I haven’t seen any Rihanna. What I have seen is a great deal of Instagram pictures of various celebrities looking amazing in outfits I cannot afford! Let’s get to it.

aaahhhThis week, we’re here to celebrate Ellen Page’s relationship with her hot surfer girlfriend Samantha Thomas — but we’re also here to celebrate Into the Forest, a brand new film starring Page and my girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood. Here they all are, with Alia Shawkat lurking in the background for bonus queermo vibes. Nobody is tall enough to kiss Samantha from a standing position — Ellen only comes up to the base of her neck. My heart exploded when I saw this picture. Take a deep breath before you move on.

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A post shared by Jennifer Beals (@thejenniferbeals)

I can’t believe Bette Porter is still hanging out with Ilene Chaiken, even after it became glaringly obvious that she’s the one who murdered Jenny — on Bette’s property, no less, thus making Bette a primary suspect. I’d probably never speak to her again, but maybe Bette is more forgiving than I am.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Laverne Cox (@lavernecox)

Laverne Cox met noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, and she smiled with her eyes the whole time.

https://instagram.com/p/7l5kqHsZW_/

Here’s Ruby Rose hanging out with this goddamn adorable couple. Everybody’s so attractive. What filter is this?

https://instagram.com/p/7i5wD-wTX6/

Feeling great about Annie Clark’s fashion week look.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Jasika Nicole (@jasikaistrycurious)

I don’t know how to make leggings and I’m probably never going to learn, but I find this video of Jasika Nicole dancing in these leggings she made strangely hypnotic.

https://instagram.com/p/7inQIdLmlU/

Angel Haze posted pictures with a lot of good celebrities this week, but this one was the most exciting for me. Spotify just told me that their new record Back to the Woods is available there now, so you know, you should give it a listen.

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A post shared by Samira Wiley (@whododatlikedat)


You guys. You guys.

Join us next week, when I’ll probably still be watching that Jasika video.

No Filter Is Playing Sports In The Park With Kate Moennig

Welcome back to another week of No Filter, the column that proves once and for all what a terrific fucking creep I am on the internet. This week, I read a lot of articles about how happy my imaginary girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood is with her (actually pretty cute) boyfriend Andy Tongren and listened mournfully to this song over and over again:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg1uULaTtPU

Also in non-Instagram news, Cara Delevingne and Annie Clark were spotted making out in a bar in Manhattan. Click here if you’re the kind of person who’d like to see their sweet romantic embrace described as “GOING AT IT LIKE CRAZED SEX WEASELS.”

Anyway UGH, I guess this week some celebrities did some other stuff. Let’s talk about that:

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A post shared by DeAnne Smith (@deanne_smith)


DeAnne Smith and her adorable grandmother celebrated DeAnne’s birth, because DeAnne is a shining star.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Samira Wiley (@whododatlikedat)


This is what Samira Wiley looked at in 1992 and I’m not sure I can handle it.

https://instagram.com/p/5e9zKJG6O5/
The greatest romance of our time.

https://instagram.com/p/5kimhisZf6/
So Kate Moennig basically just lives in parks all around Los Angeles and plays sports with other celesbians sometimes, as far as I can tell. This time, it’s soccer with Ruby Rose. Beats the hell out of the time Ruby posted a photo with noted abusive douchecanoe Floyd Mayweather.

https://instagram.com/p/5cstCVmFTD/
Sara Quin’s cat went outside. Is this cat’s name Holiday? Am I right about this? Anyway, as you can see here, Holiday had an EXTREME TIME. Probably she’s on her way to shoot some hoops with Moennig.

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A post shared by Eileen Myles (@eileen.myles)


I feel weird including Eileen Myles in my fluffy celebrity column but this was too real.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Megan Rapinoe 🏳️‍🌈 (@mrapinoe)


Megan Rapinoe brings it back around with grace and panache.

Join us next week, when Kate Moennig plays a spirited round of bocce ball in MacArthur Park with Lea DeLaria.

No Filter Heard Miley Cyrus is on the Prowl

Welcome back to No Filter, a weekly column where we dissect frogs. Just kidding, we dissect heavily curated photos posted by celebrities on the internet, because we lead very full lives. This week in important celebrity news, Evan Rachel Wood had her tonsils out and retweeted a lot of wise quotes from the Lion King. In my imagination where we hang out all the time, she’s all loopy on pain meds like Abbi in Broad City, leading her to tweet amazing things like this:

https://twitter.com/evanrachelwood/status/613380544332599297

Hot damn.

https://instagram.com/p/4DNNI4wzNA/

Rumours abound that Miley Cyrus has been gal pal-ing around with model Stella Maxwell, although this reporter finds this gossip to be dubious at best. We’ve also heard that Miley is possibly staking out bars in Brooklyn, prowling for women (and we like that story better, so we’re sticking to it).

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A post shared by Samira Wiley (@whododatlikedat)

OMG, look at all these people who look like Samira Wiley in one place.

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A post shared by carmen fcking rios (#vbadgrl) (@carmenriosss)

This week we allowed these weirdos to join us in No Filter, as Eli is a Very Important Dog, dressed for a Very Important Gala.

https://instagram.com/p/4QCqMeRdr5/

Solidarity for Janet Mock and the endless struggle against crazy humidity hair.

https://instagram.com/p/4KGglcwTWp/

St Vincent faced another struggle entirely.

Join us next week, when the Anointed Movers will help us all U-Haul into Miley Cyrus’ house, probably.

Cara Delevingne Declares Her Love For Girlfriend St. Vincent, Has Her Sexuality Mansplained Anyway

Everybody’s favourite pair of Fuzzy Brown Caterpillars Attached To A Human Host Cara Delevingne graces the cover of Vogue this month, looking characteristically aloof in a purple Prada dress, hailing the arrival of summer and all that we may wear to celebrate it.

vogue

This, apparently.

The article is mostly an eye-rolling, gushy, very typical celebrity profile, seemingly designed to tell us what a cool, uninhibited rock star Cara is. The online version even includes a video of a bunch of her famous friends (Taylor Swift, Pharrell, Derek Zoolander) congratulating her on her prestigious Vogue cover (and teaching us once and for all how to pronounce her name. It’s KAHHH-RAHHH). Cara’s a wild child – she assures the writer that she can “find fun anywhere,” and the people in her life breathlessly inform Vogue about her rebellious party-kid lifestyle. Cara never meant to be a model forever, she declares — she always intended to be an actress! She’s so excited to really blossom as an actress, and the world seems finally ready for a hard-partying, approachable supermodel to really cross over! The article touches briefly on her difficult past, her dalliances with self-harm and drugs and her complicated relationship with her mother Pandora, who has suffered from lifelong drug addiction. It also tells us that she played drums as a kid, which is goddamn adorable and maybe explains something about her relationship with her girlfriend, guitar wizard Annie Clark.

Oh yeah, her girlfriend! At long last, Vogue finally get around to asking about her:

Those who have been gathering the crumbs on Cara’s romantic trail may be confused about whether it’s men or women who excite her. She conveys a Millennial’s ennui at the expectation that she ought to settle upon a sexual orientation, and her interests—video games, yes; manicures, no—might register as gender-defiant in the realm of dresses and heels. (“I’m a bro-ey chick,” says Cara.)

Wait, what? I wouldn’t expect Vogue to sensitively consider the wide spectrum of human sexuality, but what does this even mean?!?!?

It is at this point that I realize this profile was absolutely 100% written by a dude. Not a man, but a dude.

Cara states, “I think that being in love with my girlfriend is a big part of why I’m feeling so happy with who I am these days. And for those words to come out of my mouth is actually a miracle.” Cara Delevingne has never publicly addressed her relationship with Annie Clark, or really been very forthcoming about her relationships at all! This is a huge deal! They seem so happy and in love and it’s so cute!

The author presses on, noting that “as this story went to press, [Delevingne] was seriously involved with the singer Annie Clark, better known by her stage name, St. Vincent.” As this story went to press, we were probably busy declaring love a lie – but don’t worry, guys, they’re still together! Who throws shade at an interview subject’s relationship like that?

The dude who wrote this article goes on to ask Cara about the development of her sexuality, and she explains that it was a difficult road to self-acceptance.

“It took me a long time to accept the idea, until I first fell in love with a girl at 20 and recognized that I had to accept it,” she explains. “But I have erotic dreams only about men. I had one two nights ago where I went up to a guy in the back of a VW minivan, with a bunch of his friends around him, and pretty much jumped him.” Her parents seem to think girls are just a phase for Cara, and they may be correct. “Women are what completely inspire me, and they have also been my downfall. I have only been hurt by women, my mother first of all.

“The thing is,” she continues, “if I ever found a guy I could fall in love with, I’d want to marry him and have his children. And that scares me to death because I think I’m a whole bunch of crazy, and I always worry that a guy will walk away once he really, truly knows me.” When I suggest to Cara that to trust a man, she might have to revise an old and stubborn idea of hers—that women are perennially troubled and therefore only women will accept her—her smile says she concedes the point.

Her smile says she concedes the point. Her smile says she concedes the point. HER SMILE SAYS SHE CONCEDES THE POINT.

You heard it here first — bisexuality is caused primarily by mommy issues and general insecurities. Maybe Cara just hasn’t found the right man yet? The author of this article can tell Cara agrees with him, because she smiled.

That’s Vogue magazine, a magazine for women. A magazine made for women to read. Thanks, Vogue.

No Filter: Just A Taxidermied Squirrel And A Selfie Stick

Hello and welcome back to No Filter, a column about celebrities and all the various ways they eat their mashed potatoes. This time last week I was cavorting with a bunch of writers from this very website on a mountain with no wifi, pretending to be very invested in preparing for the arrival of my campers but probably wondering what Kristen Stewart was up to at that very moment. Was she thinking about me? This week, I am at sea level (or whatever) with internet access so we can pry into the lives of a lot of famous people and figure out what they ate for dinner! Let’s get to it.

Screen Shot 2015-06-10 at 3.00.03 AM

Ellen Page posted this precious picture of herself (?!) with her ancient, much-beloved teddybear, although certain editors at a certain website suspect that it’s really gal pal Alia Shawkat, snuggling after an intimate slumber party. Those two!

https://instagram.com/p/3nKEMyQzLK/

I could post literally anything from Miley Cyrus’ insta every single week and it would be amazing, but this week she met this tiny horse. No clue what she’s been into the rest of the week. Sleeping on pizza sheets with her tiny kitten, I guess.

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A post shared by Ashley Benson (@ashleybenson)

I don’t know anything about Pretty Little Liars but I defer to Heather Hogan, Keeper of Lesbian Television Secrets, to tell us what’s going on here. As far as we can tell, these humans aren’t queer at all but just really like holding each other within the soft embrace of this inflatable donut. That’s everyone’s right.

https://instagram.com/p/3mRQvEMrf3/

Jenny Owen Youngs taught Mal Blum how to play guitar on top of a mountain.

https://instagram.com/p/3nOjXTQTUu/

St. Vincent and Cara Delevingne hung out with Suki Waterhouse and probably didn’t have to spend $5 for a bottle of water like everyone else in this photograph.

https://instagram.com/p/3kUwh2pTnY/

Someone put Carmen Esposito in this closet and forgot about her, so she drank all the beer I guess?

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BUT HOW DID YOU TAKE THE PICTURE?!?!?!??!

Lastly… What’s Evan Rachel Wood up to? Not signing up for Instagram? Hanging out with this guy:

https://twitter.com/evanrachelwood/status/606533244201398272

Join us next week as we delve deeper into the mysteries of the universe.

No Filter: In Which We Survey The Week In Celesbian Instagram

In our endless quest to bring you more celebrity gossip that does not matter (but matters so much), we have developed this weekly series to share the latest in celebrity Instagrams. How was Tegan Quin’s hair this week? Did Samira Wiley drink a particularly fancy latte? Will we ever get Evan Rachel Wood to join us and post a bunch of 15-second videos of herself singing Natalie Imbruglia into a hairbrush in her bedroom? These are the questions which plague us as we dive boldly into this uncharted ocean.

https://instagram.com/p/2TUI0cCQFO

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A post shared by Kate Moennig (@kateomoennig)

The baseball team that Kate Moennig apparently plays on with Camila Grey and Leisha Hailey lost once again to whatever team Managing Editor Rachel Kincaid is on, apparently. Probably some A League Of Their Own shit went down and Moennig caught a fly ball in her hat while doing a split. Afterwards, Leisha’s mom probably picked up the whole team in her minivan and took everybody out to Pizza Hut to celebrate.

 

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A post shared by Samira Wiley (@whododatlikedat)

Samira Wiley lived out my actual dream and got to hang out with Detective Benson, maybe got to touch her hair.

 

https://instagram.com/p/2IZGXbrmib/

Newly single Angel Haze gave everybody a heart attack with this very heartfelt message to their very good friend Noomi Rapace, the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Anyway, they aren’t dating I guess, since it’s tagged #friend and not #galpal…?

 

https://instagram.com/p/2R0bY-koBV/

In the meantime, her ex Ireland Baldwin reportedly was pretty bored in rehab (for emotional issues apparently, not drugs) and dyed her hair dark, which looks pretty excellent. She’s since left the rehab facility and is back to taking pouty selfies in her car.

 

https://instagram.com/p/2NRJzWK6Xt/

No clue why Brittani Nichols was home taking selfies when she could have been at the Met gala in her little brother’s 8th grade graduation blazer.

 

https://instagram.com/p/1-vPUnwTW0/

Annie Clark posted this glorious fan art of all of her recent hairstyles.

 

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A post shared by Cara Delevingne (@caradelevingne)

Our Lady Of Eternal Eyebrows Cara Delevingne reminisced about the time she stood next to Rihanna at the Met Ball last year. This year, Rihanna stood next to NO ONE.

 

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A post shared by Cara Delevingne (@caradelevingne)

JK, Rihanna allowed Cara to be photographed with her. Rihanna was maybe a little drunk.

 

https://instagram.com/p/2SRVdWH_rR/

Anyway while Rihanna was dragging that giant yellow thing up the stairs, Janelle Monae was sneaking around looking like a goddamn queen.

 

https://instagram.com/p/2SmpmYwzMY/

Miley Cyrus put her hand on Zoe Kravitz’ butt.

 

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A post shared by Cara Delevingne (@caradelevingne)

So obviously Cara Delevingne jumped in the middle of that sandwich.

 

https://instagram.com/p/2P8CBFmFc6/

Tegan and Sara found this cat.

 

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A post shared by Samira Wiley (@whododatlikedat)

Lastly, nobody wanted to sit next to Samira Wiley on this plane, I guess.

 

Join us next week, when we hope to get Kristen Stewart and Evan Rachel Wood on the Instagram train.

UPDATED: Love Is [Kinda] A Lie: St Vincent and Cara Delevingne DIDN’T Break Up, But Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin Are Still Over (Again)

Earlier today, we reported that the romance between modeling/acting/glaring triple threat Cara Delevingne and the actual blazing sun Annie Clark had ended. Since then, we have been corrected by Ms. Delehooha herself via her Twitter:

https://twitter.com/Caradelevingne/status/590968369500717056

With her film debut imminent and her modeling career continuing to skyrocket, Delevingne had been theorized to have ended the relationship due to “work commitments,” one of the most bullshit reasons to end a relationship short of “I just really need to work on myself right now.” Yahoo reports that Delevingne had real, heartfelt emotions for Annie Clark (don’t we all) and that she had been truly gutted to have dumped her. Lucky us, their flame continues to burn bright as they gaze lovingly into each others’ eyes, rubbing their skeletons against one another with great panache. Just last week, they were spotted together at a Burberry event at the Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles, looking fashionable and important, rubbing elbows with Jamie Hince and the Beckham family. Cara wore her best marching band uniform and proudly showed off her eyebrows to the rabid throngs of paparazzi. As we mentioned earlier, the pair had already met each others’ families, and Cara is said to have gotten a small tattoo of the initials AC. The pair have only been linked since about February, so I sincerely hope that tattoo is commemorating Cara’s deep love for Aaron Carter or Alice Cooper or something.

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A post shared by Cara Delevingne (@caradelevingne)

As far as we know, Cara Delevingne has been Instagramming pictures of sad quotes and cartoons, one of the oddest coping mechanisms of our time. In our dreams, Annie Clark has been thinking about calling Autostraddle contributing editor Cara Giaimo and inviting her to lunch. The best thing to come out of their brief pairing so far is the birth of my Cara Delevingne paper doll, which I hope to get extensive use out of in the future.

EXCLUSIVE: A distraught Delevingne copes with her breakup.

EXCLUSIVE: A jubilant Cara Delevingne celebrates her thriving relationship.

In the meantime, despite having publicly declared themselves gal pals this past Valentine’s Day, it seems that the epic love affair between Ireland Baldwin and Angel Haze has finally come to an end. In a post on their Tumblr, Haze addressed a fan’s questions concerning the death of their relationship, which seemed really sweet and sincere and which I will probably mourn forever despite not actually knowing either of these people in real life. The fan asked, “Do you think you and Ireland will reconcile? Your relationship was so special and gave me hope as an agendered person that true love exists and is possible. That we can thrive and survive in a relationship. I hope so, because she truly made you happy.”

Haze replied, “Ah, im very happy to hear that the love we shared was able to give you hope. The dope thing about love is that because it is abundant and forever and completely unaffected by any malice, it never leaves. Ireland and I will always be friends, she is a light in more ways than anyone can understand right now. Dont lose hope for yourself, though; especially not based off my failures. Wait for the person who will need the love you have, you’ll be fine then.”

They also explained that playing “Candlxs” (their super-gooey ode to Ireland) has been “a bit difficult” but that the breakup shouldn’t affect their ability to play the song in the future. While all of this sounds really healthy, they’ve also been writing short, kinda heavy Tumblr posts here and there that definitely didn’t make me a little bit weepy:

i know that wishing is irrational
they all say i am better off
i know that missing you is natural

i really wish you never left.

i killed it for good.
im sorry.
but i did find some
relief in your eyes tonight.

thank you.

EVERYBODY DIES ALONE.

EVERYBODY DIES ALONE.

Never before have two gal pals plucked at my heartstrings in such a particular way, and I can only hope that somewhere out there, Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile are spending today in a very friendly way. I hope they are buying matching Best Friends necklaces at Claire’s and making friendship bracelets on Kristen’s couch. They may be all we have left.

onlyhope

Annie Clark and Cara Delevingne Spotted Walking Next To Each Other Multiple Times

Rumours have been flying for weeks now, but our reliable tabloid friends The Daily Mail UK and The Metro report that famous attractive person Cara Delevingne was spotted playing a spirited round of tonsil hockey with our favourite Grammy award-winning fantasy girlfriend, Annie Clark (née St. Vincent). The kiss that launched a thousand ships took place at a Universal Music afterparty for the Brit awards, where Delevingne had been a presenter and Clark lost some sort of “best international female” award to Taylor Swift, International Female.

Instead of paparazzi shots, please enjoy this artist's rendering of what these two goodlooking humans look like next to each other.

Instead of paparazzi shots, please enjoy this artist’s rendering of what these two goodlooking humans look like next to each other.

According to eyewitnesses, the pair “made no effort” to hide their passionate embrace, as though this was a thing that they should have made an effort to hide? Being a celebrity sounds so weird. Anyway, tabloids claim that these two lil’ heartbreakers have been kissing each other for about four months now, and that anthropomorphic pair of eyebrows Cara has met Annie’s parents. The Metro even reports that Cara has gotten a little tattoo of the initials “AC,” which could stand for AC Slater or Atlantic City but could also stand for Annie Clark. On Monday afternoon, the pair were spotted walking around lower Manhattan, probably looking for the Whole Foods that Ellen Page and her mystery blonde shop at.

For those of you updating your Alice Pieszecki-style charts at home, this is the same Cara Delehooha who delighted fans everywhere by attending a basketball game with a very drunk and rowdy Michelle Rodriguez. Following their breakup, Rodriguez went on to have a very romantic love affair with Zac Efron. As far as we know, Annie used to stand awfully close to Carrie Brownstein in a lot of pictures. These days, Brownstein is standing next to Orange Is The New Black‘s Taylor Schilling in photos.

This (adorable) pairing raises many questions for Gothip Girl:

  • Are Annie and Cara just trying to make their ex-girlfriends jealous? If so, is it working?
  • What do these two even talk about?
  • Is this relationship proof that St. Vincent has actually just wanted to date Autostraddle contributing editor Cara Giaimo all along?
  • Why does the universe keep trying to force me to learn how to spell Delevingne?

As always, we will keep you posted as this story continues to unfold.

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