S L I C K: The Cunt

Queer Women and Leather: A Culture Clash That Has Nothing to Do With Veganism

The Eagle LA, a gay leather bar on Santa Monica in Silverlake, has two gender-neutral restrooms: one is single-occupancy with a locking door, and one is open-format with a toilet in the back, no stall door, and a trough for communal pissing. And for watching people piss. And getting pissed on, if that’s your thing. Piss play is part of leather bar culture. So why do queer women have such a problem with it?

The Eagle is usually patronized by men — hairy bears, chubby cubs, Leather Daddies and their boys — and hosts testosterone-fueled monthly parties with names like Lumberjacked and Meat Rack. But it also occasionally hosts queer women’s nights, as many of our bars have been shuttered and we now turn to roaming monthly events promoted on Instagram and attended by those in the know. And the bathroom politics that come with queer women taking over leather bars give me pause. At one such party a few weeks ago — a fundraiser for Dyke Day LA, the city’s free alternative to increasingly corporate Pride — attendees barricaded the door to the communal restroom, allowing only one person in at a time. When I asked why, they cited privacy. If you’re not into communal pissing, the desire for privacy may sound perfectly reasonable, and there is a single-occupant restroom to provide it. But the communal piss trough in the leather bar is central to leather culture, and in patronizing these spaces, their culture should be respected.

The leather bar is a darker, seedier alternative to the mainstream gay club. They’re populated mostly by men, they’re a place to cruise for sex, and they’re explicitly anti-mainstream, struggling to keep their connections to BDSM cultures and traditions alive. One such tradition is the hanky code. Developed as a sly way to connect for sex in the 1970s, when many in the community remained closeted, the hanky code provides a way to know what someone is into based on the color and position of the handkerchief tucked into their back pocket. A yellow hanky, for instance, indicates that the wearer is interested in pissing on others (left pocket), or wants to be pissed on (right pocket). The leather bar is a place to forge community around these shared fetishes and sexual subcultures, and to free oneself from shame about it.

While the range of men’s bodies you will find in a leather bar is more diverse than the mainstream gay club — gay “bear” culture celebrates big bellies and body hair — leather bars also bring to life Tom of Finland’s fantasies of chiseled butts and biceps. These ideals have a tendency to incubate misogyny and stringent forms of body policing. Hyper-masculine gay leather culture developed in the mid-twentieth century as a reaction to accusations that gay men were naturally effeminate, and there are still men in the scene who feel that these spaces only belong to manly men. This history explains, but doesn’t justify, the ways that queer women, femmes of all genders, and trans people have had to work hard to carve out spaces for themselves in the queer leather community.

Barricading the door of a communal restroom exemplifies a clash between one form of queer culture that prioritizes privacy and sensitivity around bodies and bathrooms, and another that centralizes radical acts of public exhibition. An understanding of the leather community can help us co-exist, share spaces, and celebrate all of the different ways to live queer lives. Just like straight, cis people often need guidelines to help them navigate queer spaces in a respectful manner, queers too can be outsiders to certain subcultures, and need to educate ourselves in order to respectfully inhabit those spaces without trying to alter them to fit personal politics and preferences.

Here are five guidelines that queers who are new to the leather scene can follow, in order to have a conscious, respectful convergence with leather culture and leather bars.

1. Don’t gawk at the kinky people doing kinky things. Voyeurism is active participation in a scene, so if you’re going to play the part of the voyeur, you need to ask for consent — without interrupting to do so. Remember that not everyone is doing a scene as an exhibition, even if they’re in a public space. If you’re casually catching glimpses of the hot bondage scene in the corner, that’s perfectly fine: it’s the benefit of being in a space that allows for play. Most people can intuit the difference between casual observation and active voyeurism, but err on the side of caution and keep your distance.

2. If you see things that shock you, step outside to collect yourself. Not everyone has seen a hook suspension, and not everyone wants to see a hook suspension. If you absolutely cannot be in a space where BDSM play might happen without getting squeamish or grabbing all your friends to gather around and audibly wonder, “WTF?,” maybe the leather bar isn’t the space for you. Know your own comfort levels. Don’t yuck someone else’s yum. And above all, don’t try to change the rules of the space to suit your personal comfort. Don’t go into a gay leather space and complain about the gay male porn. There are plenty of bars you can patronize that don’t show hardcore fucking: don’t ruin the sex radicalism of the leather bar for those who do enjoy it.

3. You have to ask for consent, even if a person is wearing fetish clothing or is kinky. Working lesbian events as a professional dominatrix, I’ve had women approach and grope me, even go in for a spontaneous, unwanted make-out session, all without consent. When I called out their bad behavior, they claimed they thought I was perverted so it was okay. I am a proud pervert, and I also have boundaries. When you ask for consent, be prepared to graciously accept “no” for an answer. “No” is not a rejection of you: it’s an opportunity for you to find someone else who wants to say “yes.”

4. Don’t photograph the kinksters. Even if you don’t intend to post the photos on social media, you don’t get to take home someone else’s expression of sexuality as a souvenir. Being photographed when you’re trying to get your kink on makes you feel like a zoo animal on display for someone else’s pleasure, which really puts a damper on your own. If you do have permission to take a photo of leather folks engaging in a scene, you must still ask for consent to post that photo online.

5. If you are still unsure how to conduct yourself in the leather bar, ask someone who looks like they do. The leather crowd is the faction of the gay community that often adorns assless leather chaps, haunting fundamentalist Christian imaginings of everything that is dangerous about gay pride parades. They’re heroes who are easy to spot. If you see someone who looks like they are part of the scene, ask them questions. Some events, such as Cruise in LA, are parties specifically designed for leather queers and more “vanilla” types to mix and mingle. If you’re curious about the scene, try to attend these kinds of low-stakes events in your city and ask questions. It all comes down to keeping an open mind.

In his book Public Sex, kinky queer writer Pat Califia asks that we queers “shelter one another’s desires, even those that are strange or degrading.” I second Califia. The bathroom issue that prevented leather queers from pursuing their desires for sex radicalism in the leather bar is different — in type and in scale — than the bathroom issues that conservative politicians have used to terrorize trans people. But in these times, we must all shelter one another. We must understand and appreciate the diversity of our communities, and protect them, from outsiders and from ourselves.

Shibari 101: Hogtie

Welcome to Shibari 101, your chance to learn the building blocks of Japanese rope bondage! If you missed them, check out shibari’s history, rope basics and safety, and brush up on the foundational single- and double-column ties, basic chest harness, and a leg tie.

Today, we’re going to take two ties we’ve learned before and combine them into a hogtie. A hogtie places your bottom on the floor, face down, in either a chest harness (which we learned already) or a box tie which includes the wrists. Then, the ankles are secured to the chest ties and pulled in tightly. This tie is safer than tying the ankles to the wrists in a more Western-style hogtie as the weight of the legs is distributed across the chest instead of putting pressure on the sensitive wrists. You can either do a simple double-column tie on the ankles, or get more decorative with tying both legs into the leg tie we learned earlier.

Start by tying a chest harness on your bottom. Be sure when you extend rope for this tie that you don’t have any knots right in the sternum or areas on the chest that might hurt once your bottom lies chest-down. Lay your bottom down on their belly. If you’d like to incorporate their arms, either use a new rope or the ends of the leftover rope from the chest harness and tie a single column tie around the wrists. Make sure the inside of their wrists are touching to keep the sensitive inner wrists protected. Then, tie a double column tie on their ankles.

Next, take the ends of the ankle ropes and pass them through the center column (spine) of the chest harness. Go over and do not include the ropes used to tie the wrists (if tied), so that pressure isn’t being applied to the wrist tie.

Then go back and loop the rope through the bight at the ankle, and around back through the center column/spine again.

Tighten the tie until snug, but don’t make sure your bottom isn’t overextended and super uncomfortable. Tie off with a half hitch.

And secure with another half hitch.

If you find the rope places too much pressure on the wrists, you can try tying it around the top of the chest harness instead. Pass the ropes behind both shoulder ropes, right above the top knot, and tie off the same way.

If you want to be more decorative and use the leg ties instead of the double column tie, you’ll need a new rope to do a single column tie around both ankle ropes to the chest harness. Use that new rope to tie to the chest harness with the same pulley system as the tie above. You can even use two different ropes and tie the ankles apart so the legs aren’t tied together.

Resources & Continuing Education

If you want to learn more, check out these books and resources:

Miumi-U Teaches Japanese Shibari. Miumi-U is a Japanese shibari rope artist who trained extensively in Tokyo. Her book is beautiful and she’s clearly a very skilled artist. This book is more advanced.

Essence of Shibari: Kinbaku and Japanese Rope Bondage. Shin Nawakiri was also extensively trained in Tokyo. His book is excellent and more advanced.

Shibari You Can Use and More Shibari You Can Use. Lee Harrington is trans guy and the books are very gender-inclusive and easy to understand.

The Beauty of Kinbaku. This book dives deep into history, theory, etc, and is light on instruction.

Midori is a Japanese-American sex educator who has been teaching Japanese bondage since the 1990s. She does traveling workshops; check the schedule over at ropedojo.com. She also has a book, The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage.

Hitchin’ Bitches is a female and trans/genderqueer (all genders but cis men) rope top monthly workshop held all over the world. Cis men are allowed only as bottoms and only if they understand it’s not a space for them. Find your local chapter on FetLife. It’s also a great way to meet local rope folks in your city.

Shibari 101: Leg Tie

Welcome to Shibari 101, your chance to learn the building blocks of Japanese rope bondage! If you missed them, check out shibari’s history, rope basics and safety, and brush up on the foundational single- and double-column ties and basic chest harness.

Start a leg tie, which will immobilize one leg, by tying a single column tie on the ankle. It looks cleaner if you start the single column tie by spiraling the bight down the ankle, instead of up, so the working ends are on top. Once you’ve tied the single column, push the bottom’s shin to bring the ankle as close to the lower thigh as you can. (Note that, because it leaves most of your body and your arms free, this is a really fun tie to practice on yourself.) The muscles of the leg will relax as the bottom sits in this tie, and often the ropes will get slacky and loose if you do not do this step.

Next, spiral the working ends up the leg, making sure the first wrap is low on the thigh. Depending on the size of your bottom’s leg you can do anywhere between two to four wraps here (you can also extend rope and do as many as you want!). You can try with three as shown, and if you find you have run out of rope before the tie is done, back up and try with two, etc., or if you have too much left over rope, back up and try with four.

Pass the final rope of your spiral over itself on the inside of the knee. Bring your finger through the triangle you just created, and grab the rope and pull underneath. Use your other hand to pinch where the ropes cross so they don’t slide. Take the working ends and bring them over the top rope, and then under the left rope.

Repeat this knot on each rope working down the spiral, including the bottom rope. Pass the working ends through the leg and around to the other side.

On the outside of the leg now, pull the working ends to cinch tight. You’re going to repeat this knot again on the outside of the leg, but this time backwards, as your working ends are now running up the leg instead of down. Bring the working ends up over the bottom rope, back down on the right, then over the bottom rope, and back up under the left.

Repeat this step on each rope of the spiral until you get to the top.

On the top rope’s knot, finish it off by bringing the working ends through the loop, so they reverse direction and go back down the leg again.

If you have leftover rope, you can twist it around the stem. Tie it off with a hitch and tuck the ropes around the stem or between the leg.

You’re done! Next week, you’ll learn how to combine a few different shibari ties together.

Shibari 101: Basic Chest Harness

Welcome to Shibari 101, your chance to learn the building blocks of Japanese rope bondage! If you missed them, check out shibari’s history, rope basics and safety, and brush up on the foundational single- and double-column ties. Today we’re doing a shibari chest harness tutorial.

In shibari, a chest harness can stand alone or act as a base to secure other ties. This version is simple, but you can get more complicated and decorative with it once you learn it.

Shibari Chest Harness Tutorial

First, position the bight at the center of your bottom’s back, and wrap the rope once around your bottom below the chest and draw the working ends through the bight. Make sure the part that crosses over is in the middle of the back on their spine. The ropes should be snug, but not so snug your bottom can’t breathe.

Bring the working ends back around the front of their body again, going in the opposite direction. If you don’t switch directions the rope won’t stay tight and will fall off the body. When you get back to the center of the back again, pull the working ends up through the loop you just created on the opposite side of where you pulled the rope from — the side with the doubled-over rope. Make sure the ropes are not crossed and line up neatly.

Reverse direction again and bring the working ends around the body one more time, this time above the chest. Wrap the working ends underneath the rope stem (in this case, the section of rope that goes vertical along the spine).

Reverse direction around the body one last time, making sure your ropes are above the previous wrap of ropes and lay flat and neat. Bring the working ends through the loop created by reversing direction — the side with the doubled-over rope.

Take the working ends and bring them over the shoulder to the front of your bottom, and bring them over the top ropes in front then under the bottom ropes. Pinch the bottom ropes together so they don’t lose their shape while you reverse direction with the working ends. Bring them back up and under the second top ropes. You’ll probably need to extend the rope at some point here (see the bottom of the page.) Make sure the knot is in a comfortable place for the bottom. You can move the knot a bit down the first rope if not.

Bring the working ends over the other shoulder and around to the back of your bottom. Pass them over the top right ropes, and up diagonally between the top left ropes and the left shoulder rope, as shown.

Bring the working ends over both shoulder ropes, and under the right top ropes.

Make a half hitch on the stem. A half hitch is made by making a loop in the working ends, bringing the ropes over the stem, behind the stem, and back through the loop. Pull to tighten. You can wrap your excess rope around the stem, and/or weave it up the shoulder ropes in a figure-eight weave, or leave the rope length to tie to an additional arm or leg tie, or tie it to a hardpoint (not for suspension).

Congratulations, you’ve made a basic shibari chest harness!

Extending Shibari Rope

You’ll need to extend rope when you run out. This is one of several ways to do this.

With your second rope, make a loop with your hand by putting your hand inside the bight, grasping the ropes, and pulling the bight over your hand. You’ll have a loop, which is called a lark’s head knot.

Put the first rope’s ends into the lark’s head and tighten. If your ropes have knots at the end, you can bring the lark’s head knot down to the knots and stop here. If you have whipped ends, or you feel like it, continue to the next step.

Make sure the lark’s head is not at the very end of your first rope, and there’s about 5″/12cm of ends left. Bring both sides of the first rope together and roll the knot up.

That’s it!

Shibari 101: Single- and Double-Column Ties

Welcome to Shibari 101, your chance to learn the building blocks of Japanese rope bondage! Today we’re doing single and double-column shibari ties. If you missed it, check out the introduction for history, rope basics and safety.

Single- and double-column ties are the foundation for many more complicated shibari ties, but they’re also fun on their own. Whether you plan to use these shibari ties alone or turn them into something else, mastering these two ties is extremely important. Once you’ve worked them out, practice them over and over until you can do them without even thinking.

Single-Column Shibari Tie

A single-column tie is probably the most common shibari tie. A column is a thing you’re tying: a leg, a waist, a chair rung, a bed post. Below, I’ll demonstrate on an arm. Make sure your bottom takes off any wrist jewelry/watches first.

First, find the bight (center) of your rope. Wrap it around the wrist (above the joint) twice, leaving room for a couple fingers to slip between the rope and the wrist. Cross the bight over the working ends (the two ends of rope opposite the bight).

Tuck the bight underneath all the ropes. It’s better to always reach under and pull rope instead of pushing it through because it’ll retain its lay (twist pattern) better and not get out of shape.

Make a loop with the working end and pull the bight through. If the result does not create a knot and just falls apart, try bringing the bight through the other side.

Create yet another loop and bring the bight through again. Pull tight on the knot — it shouldn’t tighten on the wrist at all, and you should still be able to slip a couple of fingers between the ropes and the wrist. That’s it!

Remember:

• There should be room to move the wrist within the shibari tie, but not enough to slip the hand out of the tie. You should be able to slide a couple fingers underneath the ropes.
• There should still be some length of bight left, to keep the knot from coming undone. It’s better to have a bit too long of a leftover bight loop as a beginner — you can work up to having it look trim and perfect after you master the tie.
• The four ropes along the wrist should not twist or overlap each other, as this would create too much pressure in one spot.
• The tie isn’t at the very end of the wrist but instead is a couple inches up from the hand and the knot is on the outside of the wrist, not on the sensitive inner wrist, to reduce chances of nerve damage.

Using The Bight As A Pulley

You can also use the bight as a pulley system to secure your bottom to something else in a safe way that doesn’t add any excess pressure on the ropes around the wrist, the knot, or the wrist itself. This is not a safe way to hold weight, so if you do tie overhead, make sure your bottom holds up their own weight and doesn’t hang from their wrists, which could cause serious nerve damage.

To use the bight as a pulley, first wrap the ends of your rope through a hardpoint (typically a hook or loop in the ceiling you can tie to), or around a bed post or whatever else you can think of, and then come back and thread the rope through the bight, then back through or around your point and tie off all the ropes together in a double half hitch.

Double-Column Shibari Tie

A double column ties two columns together. I’ll demonstrate here on two wrists, but you can tie a wrist to an ankle, an ankle to a chair leg, a wrist to a thigh, a wrist to an upper arm with the arm folded, rendering the arm unable to be used, or an ankle to an upper thigh with the knee bent.

Start by finding the bight or center of your rope. Wrap it around both wrists twice. Make sure to leave a lot more slack on your bight than you did for the single column tie.

Cross the bight over the working ends at the top and center of the wrists. Pass the rope through the wrists and behind both sets of the ropes and then back to the front. Unlike the single-column tie, which just wraps the bight under the top set of ropes, the double-column tie wraps the bight over both the top and bottom sets of ropes. The rope goes between the two columns, over both sets of ropes, and back up again.

Make a loop with the working end and bring the bight through. If it does not create a knot and just falls apart, try bringing the bight through the other side.

Create yet another loop and bring the bight through again. Pull tight to lock the knots. The knot should not tighten on the wrists at all, and you should still be able to slip a couple fingers between the ropes and the wrists, but not so loose that the hands can slip through.

Practice, Practice, Practice!

Practice your single and double column ties over and over again, on chair legs or your ankles, until you no longer think about it and can do it automatically. It’s very important to get good at both of these before moving on to more complicated ties.

Shibari 101: Let’s Talk About Japanese Rope Bondage

Welcome to Shibari 101, your chance to learn the building blocks of Japanese rope bondage! Today, you’ll learn history, basics and safety.

For me, the methodical repetition and precise structure of rope bondage is calming. As a rope top, no matter what else is going on in my life, I have to be present to focus on the ties, the bottom I’m tying up, and the tone of the encounter. I get off on the bottom both giving up control and having fun.

For a bottom, being restrained can also feel very calming. A lot of bottoms feel relaxed and blissed out while in rope. One told me: “I like giving over control to the top, letting them do whatever they want to me and feeling their power as they tie. I also really like the sensation; the pain and restriction feel exquisite.” Another said: “As someone who gets off on giving up power/control, I really enjoy the psychological sensation of being restrained, as well as the challenge of persevering through discomfort. That feeling of someone else/the rope controlling how my body is able to move is freeing to me; I don’t have to make decisions, I don’t have to be in control, but in a safe context. It’s soothing, and makes me feel focused and light and able to be very present.”

Playing with rope bondage is usually an emotionally intimate space to share. It can be rough and sexual, soft and non-sexual, or anywhere in between.

What Is Shibari?

Shibari (also often referred to as kinbaku) is a form of Japanese rope bondage. It differs from Western rope bondage a few ways: it uses non-stretchy natural fiber rope, either jute or hemp, instead of softer cotton, silk or polyester rope; it focuses on friction and wraps instead of knots; it uses the rope doubled over at the middle, a point called the bight, and works down toward the ends; and it has a deep focus on the aesthetic of the ties.

Shibari uses building blocks and repeated patterns that fit together to create ties. Once you learn these blocks and patterns and some basic safety, you can often figure out how to repeat a tie you see elsewhere. (You’ll learn several of these building blocks in the rest of this series.)

Shibari is derived from Hojojutsu, a martial art used in the Edo period (1600 to the mid-1800s) by the Samurai to arrest and restrain prisoners with rope. Often prisoners were publicly shamed by being displayed tied in ropes, which usually conveyed their class and crime, before execution or imprisonment. Hojojutsu died away at the end of the Edo period when the shogunate were overthrown.

People in Japan started to use the Hojojutsu ties for BDSM, and to play with the physical restraint and emotional shame of being tied. This art of tight and often painful sexual or sensual tying became known as shibari (decorative tying) or kinbaku (tight binding).

More recently, shibari has started to become popular in BDSM communities worldwide. While those who are not Japanese won’t be able to fully understand or experience the shame aspect of being tied, the complexity, efficiency and attractiveness of the ties themselves have earned appreciation for this style of rope bondage. Some of the most popular Japanese performers and rope tops even travel worldwide to perform on stage or to teach classes and workshops.

Unfortunately, with the worldwide growth of shibari, there has been some questionable copying or exoticising of the cultural aesthetic of the Japanese performances and photographs — non-Japanese people wearing kimono, or rope tops only tying small Asian women as rope bottoms, for example. Instead, practice the ties, be knowledgeable about and respectful of where they come from, and make the encounter be about you and your experience.

What About The Rope?

Jute and hemp are the most popular materials used in shibari. The rope is often seven to eight meters long, four to six millimeters thick, and usually consists of three smaller strands twisted together. Natural fiber ropes have more grip, a necessary quality here — shibari doesn’t use many knots, and its wrapping techniques require the rope have grip — and so are better than silk or synthetic ropes, which don’t hold friction well and can also lead to faster rope burn. In my opinion, natural fiber ropes also look better and the unyielding tension feels better for the bottom.

Jute and hemp rope must be treated before use by being boiled to soften, dried under tension to keep the correct shape, singed with flame to remove the fuzzies, and oiled so it’s not dry. You can buy raw rope and do this yourself, or you can buy pretreated rope. I recommend buying pretreated rope at first, but it can be fun to buy raw rope and condition it yourself in the future.

Some shibari rope. All these hanks are 8m long and 6mm thick. From left to right: linen hemp (raw, but does not need to be washed/singed/oiled), jute (raw, very stiff and needs treatment), jute (washed, but not yet singed or oiled), jute (washed, singed and oiled), jute, a tighter lay of rope (washed and singed), jute, same tighter lay (washed, singed and oiled), hemp (raw, very stiff and rough, needs treatment), and synthetic.

Where Do You Buy Rope?

• Esinem Rope (This is my favorite place to buy rope and the only place which carries linen hemp, which I love.)
• Jade Rope
• Twisted Monk
• Erin Houdini
• Kankinawa.com
• My Nawashi (Etsy)

How Do You Care For Natural Fiber Bondage Rope?

Rope often arrives with a single overhand knot at the ends to stop it from fraying. You can leave those knots as they are (and retie them when they come undone), whip the ends with some waxed thread, or make a more complicated knot. I whipped some of mine with a Sailmaker’s Whipping and used waxed sail thread, which has held up well with a lot of use. Store rope wrapped in bundles (hanks) so it doesn’t get tangled and twisted.

Cleaning your rope is not recommended, as you need to wash, dry, singe and oil it every time. Each time you repeat this process it weakens the rope’s fibers, which is very dangerous as it makes play unpredictable, and makes the rope unfit for suspensions. The best way to have clean rope is to not get it dirty. If you want to do crotch ties, I recommend setting aside a specific rope for that person for that purpose, or using synthetic rope that can go in the washing machine.

If your rope gets dry, oil it with jojoba oil. Just rub a few drops in the your palm and run the rope through your hands; don’t overdo it.

How to Tie a Figure Eight Hank

To tie rope in a figure eight hank for storage, first run your hands gently down the length of the rope to straighten it and pull out any knots, kinks or overwound tightness.

Then grasp the two ends with your right hand. Run your left hand about 10″/25cm down the rope and create a loop with your thumb. Bring your left hand up and create another loop with your right thumb the same distance down the rope. Alternate this motion until you have about 20″/50cm of rope remaining.

When you have about 20″/50cm remaining, tightly grasp the top of your rope bundle with your left hand.

Take the end of your rope and wrap it tightly around the bundle once. Wrap it one more time above the first wrap, to lock it in place so it doesn’t slip. Then continue wrapping a few more times below the top wraps, keeping the rope very tight.

On your final wrap, place your index and middle fingers over the wraps facing downwards. Wrap the final wrap over your fingers, and then bring it around and grasp the rope between those two fingers, and then pull it through. Either bring it all the way through, or stop half way to create a slip knot (shown).

Untying a hank is very fast and your rope stays nice and neat and untangled, and there’s no need to figure out where the bight is, as it’s the part you pull to untie the hank.

Safety for Both Partners

• Communication is important! Know and communicate your limits, experience and ability.
• Make sure you trust and are really comfortable with your rope partner.
• Make sure you are both sober.
• Always check in before the first time you play with someone — don’t assume they know what they’re doing or how to be safe. Make sure you both feel comfortable with each others abilities, and have hashed out what exactly you’re going to do before the rope comes out. Figure out and discuss ahead of time what your plan is, and what your boundaries are.
• Know and communicate your aftercare needs (cuddles, comfort, snacks, space, etc.) before you play.
• Have safety shears on hand just in case.

Safety for Bottoms (Tops, Read This Too!)

• Check in with yourself to make sure you don’t think you will be claustrophobic or panicky in rope, and are in a good mental state.
• Let your top know about any past or current physical injuries or conditions that might affect flexibility or cause pain.
• When you play, pay attention to any tingling, numbness, coldness or burning in your limbs, especially your hands and fingers, and notify your top ASAP. You are not being a good bottom by keeping quiet. You can do serious and potentially permanent nerve damage if you let that go for awhile.
• It’s okay to need out of rope — don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. Tell your top ASAP.

Safety for Tops (Bottoms, Read This Too!)

• Ask whether your bottom has any physical injuries or conditions that might affect the ties.
• Ask whether your bottom has any body parts they don’t want tied up, don’t want touched, have dysphoria with, or don’t want to accentuate. Ask if they have body parts they do want to accentuate.
• Before you tie someone up, look at and feel their hands to see the baseline color and temperature so you can notice later if they change color or get cold. If you notice color or temperature change, loosen a tie or do something else. Leaving a tie that cuts off circulation can lead to or mask nerve damage.
• Check in often with your bottom, especially if you’re new to playing together like this. Simply ask how they’re doing, or work out a way to check in without breaking the mood, such as grasping their hand and having them squeeze if they’re okay.
• Watch your bottom and make sure they’re communicating with you. If your bottom can’t speak (e.g., because they’re gagged), find another way for them to communicate.
• Don’t leave your bottom alone for more than a minute or two, and never be too far you can’t hear them.
• If your bottom experiences tingling or numbness, remain calm and supportive. Ask them to rotate their wrists or open and close their hands or wiggle their toes to get the blood moving, and if the area is still tingly, calmly and quickly untie them. Cutting the rope off is not unreasonable if numbness happens — especially if it happens quickly and in a localized area (like one or two fingers).
• Do tie rope over large muscle groups — upper arms, thighs, chest, hips.
• Do not tie under armpits, or put knots in the back of knee, inner wrists or inner thigh. Beginners should stay away from neck ties. Watch where you put knots because of the possibility of nerve damage.
• It’s your responsibility to learn some basic anatomy — where muscle groups are, where nerve bundles are, etc. — in order to tie safely.
• Hands are often the first thing to go numb/lose circulation so you may want to consider tying the wrists last.
• If your bottom needs out of rope ASAP, remove the ties as quickly and calmly as possible. Speak to them evenly and reassure them that they are safe. It may be helpful to give them something to do, such as counting backwards from 100 and focusing on deep belly breaths (not short chest breaths). If you can’t untie them fast enough, cut them out! Rope is replaceable. Once they are untied and calm, reassure them that it’s completely okay to want out before a scene is naturally over, and you’re not upset with them! It builds trust to communicate limits, and if your bottom wants to try playing with rope again, your support will make them more comfortable for next time.

Next week, you’ll learn the two ties that are the foundation of many others!

8 Lesbian BDSM Novels to Curl Your Toes (and Maybe Melt Your Heart)

Hello and welcome to the fifth edition of Ask Your Friendly Neighbourhood Lesbrarian! I’ve been getting some awesome, interesting requests and you can keep them coming to stepaniukcasey [at] gmail [dot] com or send me a tweet. Here’s this month’s request:

Hi Casey!

I loved your “taming toxic lesbians” and “May/December romance” lists, and hope to read some of the books off those soon! In the meantime: do you have any recommendations for books “like 50 Shades of Grey, but with lesbians, and not terrible”? I guess you could expand that to “lesbian BDSM novels,” but if they involve power imbalances that exist outside the relationship (like Christian Gray being a wealthy CEO), that would be even better! Actual plot is good too, though I realize that’s asking a lot…

Arashi

Arashi, I love how you described the type of book you are looking for! It totally made my day. “50 Shades of Grey, but with lesbians, and not terrible” coming right up! This is a pretty tricky question, actually: finding all the things you were looking for in one book ended up being surprisingly difficult. Of course, the lesbrarian in me welcomes this as a challenge. I’ve limited the books on the list below to ones that match all of your criteria: they’re novels, in other words long fiction with real character development, not the short snapshots you get in erotica anthologies; they feature queer women (obvs) in a relationship featuring BDSM and sometimes power imbalances outside that relationship; and they have decent plot.

If you’re looking for more of these books in the future, I’d recommend searching with the terms “lesbian BDSM erotic romance.” Adding “erotic romance” seems to turn the focus to novels with character development, instead of erotica short stories. Unfortunately, searching “BDSM books” gets you a whole lot of erotica in short story form and not a lot else. Okay, let’s look at what I found for you!

The Collectors by Lesley Gowan

If you’ve ever had a long-standing fantasy, The Collectors will be great wish fulfillment. The main character Laura has maybe the world’s biggest lesbian BDSM erotica collection but she’s never actually played in real life, until she meets her friend Adele’s mistress Jeanne: a wealthy sophisticated art collector, heiress (definitely a power imbalance outside the relationship here) and experienced dominant. Practising BDSM is even more powerful than Laura anticipated, and her life is changed. But it turns out her more experienced but uneasy friend Adele isn’t interested in sharing her mistress and Adele’s  jealousy will be a difficult challenge for Jeanne and Laura. The Collectors is a rare erotic romance with head, heart, skillful story-telling and well-developed characters.

At Her Feet by Rebekah Weatherspoon

Rebekah Weatherspoon is an erotic romance writer you can count on for smart, sexy stories every time. Although you wouldn’t guess from the whitewashed cover, the two women featured in this novel are women of colour (Latina and Jamaican/Korean) and there’s fat-positive representation. Suzanne Kim is the submissive here who chances across an ad on kinklife.com from an attractive mistress she can’t resist, username Mami-P (Pilar IRL). Turns out they hit it off online and in person, and they develop a mutually satisfying relationship, specifically a relationship where they can indulge in mommy and little girl age play. Of course, there’s this obstacle: “someone from Suzanne’s professional life threatens to disrupt their perfectly balanced bliss!” This is the ultimate cute, funny, sweet BDSM romance.

Owning Regina: Diary of My Unexpected Passion for Another Woman by Lorelei Elstrom

Danielle, a reviewer at The Lesbrary, actually calls this book “a woman-loving-woman’s answer to E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey,” which hopefully means it should be everything you’re looking for. Written in diary format, this novel follows Meg, a woman in her mid-twenties who is discovering her first interest both in BDSM and in another woman. The woman she’s gone gay for is Regina and she’s in her late thirties, so there’s an age power imbalance there that you might be interested in. They meet at a yoga class and bond over a shared boot fetish (most lesbian “how-did-you-meet” story ever). Because of the diary format, you’re totally immersed in Meg’s perspective as she’s experiencing all these intense things for the first time. FYI, one reader says a couple scenes wouldn’t be responsible IRL, which might affect your decision to read this.

Savor Her by Zee Giovanni

Savor Her — pun intended, obviously — is a gorgeous combination of food and sex. The main character Drea sneaks into a cooking class run by Chef Cherise and, as you might guess, doesn’t get away with it. Luckily even though Drea doesn’t have the money to pay for the class, Cherise has some alternate ideas for how Drea can compensate her: some kinky sex, including bondage, spanking and knife play. Savor Her is unique in the BDSM book world for a few reasons: poetically, beautifully written (Giovanni is also a poet!) and featuring a lesbian relationship between two Black women. The only downside here is that Savor Her is on the short end, more a novella than a novel. If you like Giovanni’s writing, check out Sweet Juice, her publishing company!

The Night Off by Meghan O’Brien

Ah, the old lesbian sex worker falls for one of her clients shtick. Also, the tightly wound super careful person finally lets her guard down and falls in love thing. O’Brien takes these well-worn romance tropes and transforms them into what Tara on thelesbianreview.com describes as “an erotic romance that is super dirty but has big, big feelings.” Twenty-five-year-old Emily is the regimented one, devoting all her time to work and raising her younger sister after her parents’ death. Nat is the gorgeous, kind-hearted butch sex worker (ignore the two femmes on the cover) who delivers Emily’s much-deserved night of submissive abduction fantasy. But when the paid time is over, neither of them wants it to end and a night turns into a weekend. Can they make it work despite their huge differences in lifestyle? You can expect sex and lots of it here, including anal play, humiliation and spanking.

Scissor Link by Georgette Kaplan

Like Owning Regina, Scissor Link has an age gap between the two leading ladies, with the added bonus that they are also boss and employee. In fact, that power play is a big part of the relationship that develops. Wendy is an intern at Savin Aerospace, a dorky engineer who soon develops a massive, awkward crush on her boss Janet, despite the fact that Janet is recently divorced and most likely straight. Their kinky office romance starts when Janet discovers an email of Wendy’s detailing a sex dream about Janet; but can it be anything more? In addition to steamy sex, this character-driven story is also really funny, especially in the witty and sometimes sarcastic dialogue. It’s no wonder with the carefully crafted characters that there’s also palpable chemistry in this sexy, fun, kinky story on the lighter end of lesbian BDSM fiction.

Tell Me What You Like by Kate Allen

I’ll tell you straight up that Tell Me What You Like is a mystery, but don’t let that put you off if you don’t normally read mysteries. It’s also an accurate, heartfelt depiction of the ’90s lesbian kink community and a love story between a lesbian cop and a professional dominatrix. The cop Allison enters the leather dyke world kind of by accident, as one of the lesbian bars the community congregates at is on her patrol route. She becomes involved in the investigation of a murder that happens outside the bar and also with the dom Stacy Ross — whose business card reads: “Anastasia — Tell Me What You Like.” This is an excellent novel about a character first investigating BDSM, with Allison exploring her kink-curiosity and interest in Stacy despite having been influenced by anti-BDSM “feminist” thought. There’s also a dash of humor, and more books in the series if you like the first one!

Weekend by Jane Eaton Hamilton

It’s rare in fiction to see older women having sex, so the fact that Weekend features older women and nonbinary folks, including POC and someone with a chronic illness, having kinky queer sex is pretty special. Weekend features two queer couples: Logan and Ajax, and Joe and Eliot, both on weekend getaways in side-by-side cottages. It’s Ajax and Logan having the kinky sex — lesbian couple Joe and Eliot are celebrating the birth of a daughter — but Ajax is preoccupied with her heart condition and what she feels as the divides of race, class and age between them. Logan, however is planning to propose on this trip, which coincides with Ajax’s fiftieth birthday. Featuring dom/sub, spanking and anal play, Weekend is a kind of romance, but about people at the cusp of middle age, in the context of well-established relationships.

Bonus! Remember my column a few months ago about queer epic/high fantasy? I talked about Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey there, which definitely fits the bill here as well, with lots of hot kinky sex between Phèdre and Melisande. Also, if anyone’s looking for BDSM erotic short stories, you can’t do better than Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica edited by Sinclair Sexsmith; check out Carolyn’s interview with Sexsmith back when the book came out in 2012. And for more options than I’ve listed here, have a look at this Goodreads list of Lesbian and F/F BDSM Books!

Special thanks to Corey Alexander who shared a lot of their favorite BDSM books with me on Twitter!

Bondage 101: How To Tie Someone Up By The Ankles

Tying people up is fun! Here’s how to restrain someone by the ankles.

Rope is the single best multi-purpose bondage toy you can own. You can make handcuffs, ankle cuffs, different types of gags, harnesses, straps for holding body parts in place during sex, the ankle wrap below and more. It seems intricate, and some of it is, but there’s also a ton of things you can do without knowing what something like a prosperity knot is.

In rope bondage, as in all kinky play, communicate with your activity partner(s) before you play together about what you like or would try; what you don’t like and your boundaries; your safe words or non-verbal signalling system; health concerns; and aftercare.

Then just keep communicating during play. It’s okay to slow down and keep checking in, especially if you’re new, even if no one seems to be getting anywhere close to using a safe word. (Ideally, by staying in communication, no one will need to.)

Safety is covered in Bondage 101, but here are the basics again, just in case:

• Maintain circulation by keeping the ropes just a little loose, and by having many points of tension. If you’re putting someone in bondage, watch for areas of skin that might be turning purple, blue or white. If you’re in bondage, notify your activity partner if you feel pins and needles or go numb anywhere.
• Never use rope in a way that might restrict someone’s breathing.
• Never leave someone tied up alone.
• Go slowly.

Today’s ankle wrap is adapted from Two Knotty Boys’ Back on the Ropes, a step-by-step guide to simple and more complex rope bondage. These directions are for tying someone’s ankles together in a way that looks sexy, feels comfortable and is easy to do. It also makes your activity partner easier to push around, because they can’t stand or even hop effectively (especially in boots).

You will need:

• 30 to 55 feet of rope (solid-braid nylon rope in 7/16″ or 3/8″ in diameter from any hardware store, or bondage rope. Use a longer piece if you want the wrap to go further up your partner’s legs.)
• A willing partner
• Flat-edged medical safety scissors, in case you have to release someone quickly

Directions:

1. Have your partner cross their ankles with their feet a little flexed. Find the middle of the rope, and fold it in half (this is called making a bight).

2. Hold the working ends of the rope over the top of their ankles, and bring the bight over and under to the arch of their lower foot.

3. Hold the bight where it is and wrap the working ends of the rope around the back of both ankles and down over the front.

4. Weave the working end through the bight.

5. Bring the working end back the other way, up and across your partner’s ankles, keeping the ropes parallel to the ones already there. Maintain consistent tension on the ropes while you work.

6. Wrap the working end around behind their ankles, so that they’re flat and line up with the ropes already there. Then keep wrapping around your partner’s ankles and up their legs.

7. Keep wrapping!

8. When you’re ready to tie everything off, hold the rope in place with a finger and double back the other way.

9. Then thread the working ends through the loop and bring them up through the top layer of ropes. Leave a small loop open while maintaining tension.

10. Thread the working ends down through this loop, and tighten.

Congratulations, you have tied someone up!

For more information, check out our intro guide to BDSM or our kinky resources list.

I am not an expert and these are my opinions. Make sure you do your research and stay safe.

Top Five Ways To Restrain Your Sex Partner (NSFW)

We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!

Restraining people is fun! Here are five ways to do it.

Always start by discussing what you both like, what you both don’t like, physical or mental health considerations, safe words (or other ways to stop the scene) and what anyone might require for aftercare. Safety is important, and so is having fun.

In all cases, make sure the restraints or your grip isn’t too tight and avoid joints – for example, if you’re holding someone’s arms behind their back, grip their lower forearms rather than their wrists. Do not restrain someone by the neck. Check circulation by looking for skin that may turn blue or white, and ask (or order) your activity partner to tell you if they start to feel pins and needles. Also make sure you can release them quickly, either by practicing undoing the restraints or by keeping a pair of flat bandage scissors on hand for rope play.

Read Autostraddle’s beginner’s guide to bondage for more information on getting started.

via inkeddolls

1. Your Body

Your body is always within reach, and you know how to use it. Pinning someone down is the often the easiest and fastest way to restrain them, particularly if they want to struggle a little. It’s also the most intimate. The best targets, both for safety and for restricting mobility, are their shoulders, upper arms, forearms or thighs.

via loneookami

2. Their Body

Order your activity partner to stay still, and punish them if they don’t.

via deviantfemme

3. Rope

Unlike other types of restraints, rope is super versatile and can be as simple or elaborate as you want it to be. It takes a bit more practice than other types of restraints, but can also be more rewarding.

At the hardware store, ask for solid-braid nylon rope 7/16″ or 3/8″ in diameter. You can also buy thick cotton or silk bondage rope, or prettier nylon rope, from many sex shops.

For a guide to making rope handcuffs, check out Autostraddle’s intro to rope bondage. (Use the same instructions but about 35 feet of rope to tie someone by the calves rather than forearms.)

4. Standard Restraints

The best restraints are often lightly padded, are unlikely to break in a struggle and are thicker and heavier to avoid cutting off circulation. They usually stay in place with buckles or Velcro and are easy to adjust or remove quickly if you need to.

Though police handcuffs are easy to find, a restrained person could damage their joints in even a light struggle. Instead, try the leather Kookie Cuffs or the nylon and neoprene Super Cuffs.

Bondage tape also acts as a rope/restraints hybrid, giving you the fun of putting a little effort into restraining someone but with the tiniest learning curve.

Skin Diamond via obsexxed

5. DIY Restraints

You probably already own scarves, ties or stockings, though keep your ties loose and be extra careful, as they often tighten unintentionally and can cut off circulation. Use a pillowcase pulled up over your activity partner’s elbows to restrain their arms behind their back.

You can also turn a belt into handcuffs really easily.

Making your own sex toys is just as fun as making anything else, but it may take longer if done with an activity partner, as you will have to stop to have sex a lot during the process. Hardware stores have all the things like quick-release clamps, snap hooks, rings, buckles and obviously more. Kasidie, for example, has instructions on how to make your own spreader bar. If you have access to tools, it’s also pretty simple to make your own buckling restraints.

feature image via loneookami

Header Image by Rory Midhani

You Need Help: So You Want To Try Being A BDSM Top

I found this question in my inbox:

I love bondage! I’m an experienced sub/switch, but my partner is pretty inexperienced in BDSM. She is much more interested in being the Domme/Master but doesn’t feel like she knows what to do or say. How can we start having fun BDSM sex that doesn’t feel like I’m in charge!? 

Hello my dear reader! This is a question that I get a lot, and most of the time I have to ask for clarification as to what, exactly, people are talking about—BDSM is a GIANT umbrella category that encompasses many different acts and attitudes. But! You’ve gone and specified exactly what you’re looking for within that huge topic: bondage. So I’m going to focus my response today on mostly that. I also recognize that you, the letter writer, might be the more vocal in this pairing, but what you’re really seeking is advice not just for you, but for your partner too. I will, from now on, refer to the person in your partner’s position as The New Top. That’s the person who’s really into the topping role in bondage in theory, but hasn’t put it into practice just yet.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

It sounds like you’ve already done the basics of communication as you’re able to articulate what’s up with you and your partner— that she’s interested in trying this with you but isn’t quite sure how to go about doing that. That means you’ve already had the “what turns us on” conversation and have agreed upon what y’all wanna play around with, thus establishing your partner as The New Top. But for all of y’all out there who haven’t gotten past step one (talking about what kinds of things you’re into with your partner) I’m just going to really quickly direct you here. Come on back when you’ve read/done that.

How To Make It Not Awkward

Okay, so we’re going to get to the mechanics. But sometimes the mechanics feels secondary to embodying the In Charge persona. I want to make sure you get what you need in that regard, and I wish I could break it up into “mechanics” and “persona.” But most of the time those things are so intertwined when you’re playing that it’s very difficult to separate them out. One of these things isn’t more important than the other, I don’t think. What I do need you to know, though, is that there is no one way to be In Charge, no one way to be a top and no one way to engage in BDSM. So while you’re learning all the fun technical stuff the bondage world has to offer you, there are a few things you can start with so that once you get to employing these fun new things in the bedroom, you’re already there with your In Charge persona.

Read Erotica

A good way to see examples of a TON of different kinds of tops and how they do their thing is to seek out some erotica on the subject. I highly recommend Sinclair Sexsmith—a kinky queer butch top with a kick ass website called the Sugarbutch Chronicles. They’ve got an entire section just for dirty stories. I also recommend anything written or edited by D.L. King—if you read stories by both of those authors, you’re going to get a very different vibe and vocabulary, both of which can help you figure out your own unique toppy persona.

Seek Role Models

Here you go.

And Sext The Crap Out Of Each Other!

This is a great way to practice and see what turns both of you on and what feels comfy for you, all while not getting the “omg, she’s right in front of me WHAT DO I DO?!” nerves. It keeps your persona entirely in the fantasy world so if you hit a sour note for either or both of you, you can change course really easily without being thrown off in the moment. It also gives you time to draft something up—you don’t have to think of things right away/at speed. You can craft your words. Then if your partner responds well to something, you tuck that away in your mind and pull it into being when you’re getting hot and heavy. Here are some prompts in a bunch of different Top Styles to get your imagination started:

-“degrading” nicknames (ex, “my dirty little slut.”) (I put degrading in quotes because when done in consensual play these names feel anything but degrading.)

– not so degrading nicknames (ex, “my good little slut”)

– fun punishment for being naughty (ex, “You didn’t say please. I’m going to leave a handprint on your ass/tie you up and put you in a corner/break out the paddle.”)

– and fun punishment for being nice (ex, “I’m going to give you exactly what you deserve. Where’s that rope?”)

– leashes, collars and leather, oh my! (ex, “When you put this on, I’m in charge.”)

– asking/demanding permission (ex, “You can’t do anything—and I mean anything—until I say so.”)

Commenters, do you have any other suggestions?

The cool part about starting here while you’re learning bondage techniques is that you’ll have a lot of things to say once you put your techniques into practice. Plus then you’re basically partner-writing erotica, and that’s always really fucking fun.

 Do Your Research

When we venture into the world of BDSM, bondage included, there’s a lot to know and there’s different risks. You can hurt yourself and others by performing certain bondage acts unsafely or without any expert advice. So I recommend a few different resources, the first and foremost being us! Here is a lovely Bondage 101 article  about how to tie someone up with rope that our very own Carolyn wrote for you, and here is an excerpt from it that I think is very important:

+ Keep the rope loose enough that you can work two fingers between the rope and your activity partner’s skin. The goal is to restrain, not to cut off circulation. If the rope might get wet (it’s really hot and you’re both sweating, for example), leave it even looser.

+ Check circulation often by looking for areas of skin that might be turning blue or white. Check in with your activity partner often, and make sure they notify you if they start to feel pins and needles or numbness.

+ Never tie rope in a way that might restrict someone’s ability to breathe.

+ Never leave someone tied up alone.

+ Keep flat edged medical safety scissors nearby in case you have to release someone quickly.

+ Go slowly. If you’re embarrassed to go slowly and feel self-conscious, try something like tying up your activity partner’s hands behind their back — they won’t be able to see what you’re doing or if you’re checking instructions on your phone, and going slower can feel agonizing in a good way.

Please read the rest of that post if you’d like to use rope!

There are also a TON of books on the subject—I have a special fondness for The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori because the photos are so pretty that it looks like a coffee table book. We also used Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes to research for the kink workshop at A-Camp, so that’s a great one too. Also with any BDSM or any sex act where one partner is consensually granted more control than the other, I highly recommend both/all parties read The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It gives a nice overview of other acts that you might not know you want to try yet.

I also recommend that both parties, both the Dear Reader and The New Top, read all material (both the things written for tops and bottoms). It is helpful to know what’s going on in the role you don’t normally inhabit.

And Get The Right Stuff

If you want to use rope to tie someone up, please get the good stuff — thick cotton or silk is usually best, but really just make sure that the material won’t slip or move. If you use a material that moves around, you can really hurt the person on the receiving end. You can get a 25-foot length of safe bondage rope from Babeland for $18.  But you can do bondage more ways than just with rope. In fact, ropes can be a bit tricky for a pair just starting to explore what they like to do together. I’d recommend that your partner, as she is still figuring out exactly how she’s attracted to topping you, start out with some under the bed restraints ($58)—the cuffs are made of neoprene and are extra comfy, and they don’t have the learning curve that rope has. There’s also bondage tape ($18) paired with some safety scissors, which is great because the tape sticks to itself and not your skin (which means you can also make a blindfold out of it, it won’t stick to hair). Hey, that brings me to my next point—

via this lovely tumblr

Blindfolds Are Your Friend

This is truly the essence of your question. Yes, there was a “what to do” portion of it but what I really heard from your question was “How can we start having fun BDSM sex that doesn’t feel like I’m in charge?!” I read that as how can you guys explore this in territory that’s still sexy while The New Top is getting comfortable. And with that, I would like to share my number one go-to tip for starting to do anything new in bed.

To you, The New Top: get a blindfold. Put it on your partner. Now you can make any sort of face you want to make! If you need to giggle a bit at yourself because you feel a little silly, you can do it! If you need to quietly facepalm because you think you’ve said something un-sexy, you can do that too! You can pull all sorts of crazy expression, take as much time as you need and your partner-bottom-person won’t see it happen. It’s like a magic confidence talisman, that blindfold is. And this is helpful for doing anything new in bed—using a strap on for the first time, for instance.

But, let’s suppose for a second, that your bottom-partner (the Dear Reader) doesn’t care for a blindfold. I have another trick for you, and this might also help you in the “do or say” department. This works if you both fall under the power play section of the BDSM umbrella.

Order your partner to look away.

That could mean ordering them onto all fours and saying they’re not allowed up (or to look up) until you tell them to (or until they ask nicely). That could mean putting them in naughty time-out where they have to stare at wall or corner while you go bananas all over their back/backside. It could also mean exactly what Carolyn wrote in Bondage 101 — tie their hands up behind your back so you can read the directions off your phone while you’re doing it. The key here is knowing that your partner wants you to dominate her — use that to your advantage. If you need to go a bit slower or need to check directions, tell her she’s got to ask you nicely before you’ll continue. She’ll never know you’re back there  mouthing “what the hell am I doing” to yourself over and over again while she’s begging to be tied.

Practice Practice Practice

It’s hard to be top-y if you really don’t know what you’re doing. Okay, New Top, I am about to recommend what sounds like a really awkward situation but I promise isn’t. I need you to just, like, go with me down the yellow brick road on this one.

If you’re using rope, find a practice buddy.

Not your partner — someone you have no sexy feelings for, like your BFF or that awesome lady-person you met at A-Camp. Ask them very politely if you can practice tying knots by tying them up. Make sure they know it’s okay to say no if they’re not into it. Here is a sample way to do that:

“Okay, so I trust you a whole bunch which is why I’m going divulge something really personal and ask you what is kind of a weird question. Is it okay to do that right now? Like, are we in a good place and at a good time for me to do that?”

And if they say yes, continue with: “So I really want to get into rope bondage with my partner, but because I’m new at this, when I’m with her I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, which is really a buzz-kill. Would you mind if I totally platonically practiced my knots on you? It’s okay to say no if you think that’s really very strange. But I think it would be cracking good fun!”

Side note: I recognize that when I give these sample dialogues, they are wayyyyy how I talk. Feel free to personalize it a little bit. Also know that I never even thought of suggesting this before last camp! But those who presented on the kink panel spent much of pre-camp last October tying each other up and it really was soothing to know we could tie what we wanted to tie on another person. It was totally not an awkward thing to ask each other, and it calmed our jitters to giggle our way through a few practice runs! It might calm your jitters too!

You can also practice on yourself. You’ve got ankles. You’ve got the legs on your dining room chair. Those are both things you can practice tying up.

And of course, what fun would life be if you didn’t practice on your partner. That’s the fun practice but just fyi: tying your partner up can be sexy! It’s supposed to be, that’s why your partner wants to do it. So don’t be entirely surprised if practice leads to a little something extra, something a little more like game play. If you’re still not 100%, New Top, just make sure that both of y’all go into that particular playtime knowing that not everything is going to be 100% perfect (hell, will it ever be?) and to change tone accordingly. Baby steps!

Talk About Safe Words And Check Ins

Everyone has a built in safe word—it’s “no” or “stop.” But when you’re engaging in BDSM, sometimes screaming “no no no” when you mean “yes yes yes” can be sexy if it’s prearranged. So discuss a safe word if that kind of role play appeals to you. And try not to use something hard to say or remember, like “alfalfa” or “kielbasa.” I usually recommend the very simple “red, yellow, green” scale. Green, of course, means go. Yellow means slow down, ease into that. Red means stop. And it’s easy to remember because most everyone reading this has been staring at traffic lights our entire lives — the meanings of those colors are somewhere deep in our mindbrains, so even if the Dear Reader is going into subspace, they’ll still be able to make “red, yellow, green” happen.

Checking in is widely considered a good top’s responsibility, New Top, and you should be asking for a status update every so often. Remember that a top can safe word too — anyone can. So if you hit territory you’re not ready for and you’re like, “whoa, nope” then you can safe word and stop everything right in its tracks. But the idea of check-ins can sometimes break the power dynamic you’ve got set up—that’s still no reason to not do them. This brings me right on to my last piece of advice—

And Talk About What In Charge Means

This section is for both of y’all, the Dear Reader and The New Top. I heard in your question that you, Dear Reader, don’t want to feel like you’re in charge. The fun part about this kind of sex is that, really, everyone is still in charge. You’re just choosing to express that with a different power paradigm for the next hour or five. Dear Reader, you have agency in wanting to be a bottom here, as much agency as The New Top has when she’s “in charge.” Nevertheless, I think I get what you’re saying here. You don’t want to be bossing your top around—there are words for that dynamic. Power Bottom and Service Top. Or what some people call “topping from the bottom.” Those can be desirable dynamics for some people, so y’all do need to have a discussion about what “in charge” looks like to both of you. Does not being in charge just mean that you ask for nothing during sex, the top just ties you up and takes it from there? Or does not being in charge mean they’re dirty talking you or sexily and consensually verbally humiliating you (things like “dirty girl,” etc?). Or does in charge look like very sweet language on your part (for example, “yes miss” or “yes sir”)? Or does it mean that you want to pick the way you have sex and you want to plan it out to the letter but when the actual act is occurring, you want your top to be calling those rehearsed shots? In charge looks different for everyone, and you and your partner should decide what that power balance looks like between you two.

Here are some suggestions to try. Talk them out before you put them into practice:

+Instead of saying “are you okay?” when you’re checking in (asking your bottom for a status update), try grabbing a fist full of the hair on your partner’s head, turning their ear towards you and saying “consider this your check in.” Make sure your partner knows that you expect a response—a “yes, Miss” or a “green, Sir” and you’ll keep going. You both get a check in and The New Top gets to assert that they’re In Charge.

+New Top, if you feel at a loss and you aren’t sure what to do next, you can ask. You just have to ask like you’re In Charge. So instead of saying “what would you like me to do next?” try “Tell me what you wish I’d do next. Make it dirty. Turn me on.” And then sit back while they dirty talk you AND give you a little inspiration. If y’all are both into it, then make your bottom beg for what she just described.

+Dear Reader, there may be times when you want to maintain the dynamic, but you actually don’t want to do the thing your New Top just asked you to do. Or you’re really into it but you’re tired. Or you’re tied up and your shoulder is starting to feel a bit sore. But you don’t want to stop play! You don’t want to safe word, you want to keep going…just in a different direction. I’m going to share a sweet tip I learned from another member of Autostraddle’s Team NSFW—”would you rather I…” That’s when you say offer up an alternative to what your New Top just asked/ordered you to do, while still maintaining a service role in the game. You’re tied up and your shoulder hurts? “Wouldn’t you rather I give you a hand job?” or even “if you untie me, Miss, I can give you a hand job.” Discuss this with your partner before you starting banging so that your New Top knows this is a request for a change of direction, otherwise it’s possible that they can miss the point.

You’ve got this, both of y’all! You’re already doing all the right things by talking about it and agreeing to play where your interests intersect, so I really have no doubt that you have GOT THIS. Go get ’em. And for all the rest of us, tell us your stories of going from Bondage Beginner to Terrific Top (and the tips and tricks for the transformation!) in the comments below.

Have a question about sex? Email me at ali [at] autostraddle.com, PM me on Autostraddle or for a completely anonymous experience you can ask me a question right here.

Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.

Bondage 101: How To Tie Someone Up

Tying people up is fun! But how do you tie someone up? How do you tie up your girlfriend or other activity partner? Here’s how to tie someone up for the first time.

Communication is the key to all kinky play, and it’s absolutely essential when you’re tying someone up. Before any actual bondage takes place, talk to your activity partner about what you like, what you want to try, what you would be willing to try if they’re into it and what’s off limits. A yes/no/maybe list can help. If you’ve never tied someone up or been tied up, you won’t know how you’ll react or what you’ll feel even if you think you do, and it’s okay to slow down and check in often. (If your play involves one partner saying “no” or “stop” and another ignoring it, make sure you have a verbal or physical signalling system that’s obviously out of context, such as using stoplight colors or dropping something small and loud.) The goal is to have fun, but to do that you need to stay safe, sane and consensual, and communication is an important part of it.

Some of the best rope for bondage is thick silk, as it doesn’t slide or move around too much once you tie it off. (Hemp and jute are perfect for shibari.) That kind of rope is expensive though, so unless you’re ready to really invest in rope bondage, go for solid-braid nylon rope around 1/4″ to 7/16″ in diameter from any hardware store or online. Unlike other types of rope, the knots will stay easy to untie even after you pull them around. In an earlier version of this guide, I recommended thick cotton rope, which is readily available, inexpensive and machine washable. However, cotton constricts when it gets wet, such as from sweat or other fluids, so consider other rope options first. Need incentive? Unlike other types of toys, rope is multipurpose. You can make handcuffs like those below, but you can also make your own flogger, strap-on harness or belt, not to mention the infinite ways there are to restrain someone.

Before you begin to tie someone up, keep the following safety tips in mind:

• Keep the rope loose enough that you can work two fingers between the rope and your activity partner’s skin. The goal is to restrain, not to cut off circulation. If the rope might get wet (it’s really hot and you’re both sweating and using cotton rope, for example), leave it even looser.
• Check circulation often by looking for areas of skin that might be turning blue or white. Check in with your activity partner often, and make sure they notify you if they start to feel pins and needles or numbness.
• Never tie rope in a way that might restrict someone’s ability to breathe.
• Never leave someone tied up alone.
• Keep flat edged medical safety scissors near by in case you have to release someone quickly.

Go slowly. If you’re embarrassed to go slowly and feel self-conscious, try something like tying up your activity partner’s hands behind their back — they won’t be able to see what you’re doing or whether you’re secretly checking instructions on your phone, and going slower can feel agonizing in a good way. If you want to pretend to be extra confident, blindfold them.

Today’s rope handcuffs come from Back on the Ropes by Two Knotty Boys, a step-by-step guide to simple and intricate rope bondage. The directions below are for tying someone’s wrists together, but you could also tie someone’s ankles together, or tie wrists to ankles, or wrists or ankles to furniture. The wrap is thick enough that it feels very solid and comfortable, and you can leave ropes dangling to pull your activity partner around by or tuck them in and lead your partner around by pulling on the wrap itself. Or anything else you can think of!

You will need:

• 25 feet of rope
• A willing partner (or an upside down chair to practise on)
• Blunt-edged scissors (just in case)

Directions:

1. Have your partner hold their wrists out with about two fists of space between them. Lay the rope over their wrists so the middle of the rope is roughly between their hands. Wrap each end around twice, for a total of five wraps.

2. Cross the ropes beneath the handcuffs-to-be. Then bring them up and around on the opposite sides from wherever they started (the back rope over the front and the front over the back).

3. Wrap each end of rope around, moving towards your activity partner’s wrists. Stop winding when you still have a small gap between the wrapped rope and their skin. You should end up with an equal number of wraps on each side of the first crossed ropes. If things look a little loose, twist each side in the direction you wound it to tighten everything. You may need to wrap each end once or twice more after.

4. Lift the last loop on the left side and tuck the end of the rope through the resulting circle from inside to out. Repeat on the other side to tie everything off. Pull on both ends of rope to make it secure. You can either tuck the remaining ends into the wrap (if they’re short), or you can use them to tie your activity partner to something else.

Congratulations, you have successfully tied someone up!

For more information, check out Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes and Back on the Ropes. You can also check out Autostraddle‘s Shibari 101, a mini introduction to Japanese rope bondage that walks you through what shibari is, how to practice it safely and what building blocks you need to dive in.

Editor’s note: This post was updated December 2019 with current affiliate links, more comprehensive resources and minor copyedits.

Bondage 101: A Lesbian Sexy NSFW Sunday Special

When we talked about how to have lesbian sex for the first time, we told you we’d keep it simple and vanilla. But it can be tons of fun to make things a little kinkier, which is why we’ve declared that February is Bondage Month on Autostraddle!

You already know how to have sex even if you haven’t, but bondage and S&M require a more deliberate learning curve. You aren’t going to be an expert the first time you spank someone, but you probably won’t be terrible at it, and it’s also easy to focus too much on the specifics — to pay attention to the rope, instead of the person you’re tying up. That said, it’s also a lot easier to pay attention to the person you’re tying up if you don’t have to watch a how-to video on repeat while you do it.

This post is very light and basic, as these things go, and also as with all things lesbosexy, we generally speak from personal experience which can be highly subjective — so, we’re not claiming to be experts and we’re very open to your feedback, suggestions, experiences and questions in the comments!

Open Negotiations

via prettyplussize.tumblr.com

Figure out what you already know you like, what things you want to try, what things you would be willing to try, and what things you would not want to do under any circumstances (or for the foreseeable future, anyway). You can brainstorm, or you can use a yes/no/maybe list (which I recommend), but get it down. Things on your list might or might not include:

• Bondage (light)
• Bondage (heavy)
• Bruises
• Corsets
• Cuffs
• Exhibitionism
• Food play
• Gender play
• Hair pulling
• Ice cubes
• Leather restraints
• Nipple play
• Orgasm denial
• Power play (all sorts of things)
• Spanking (giving)
• Spanking (receiving)
• Teasing
• Whips
• So much more

Then talk about it with your partner. Remember: your goal is to have everything be safe, sane, and consensual, and the only way to do that is through communication. It is really important to talk things over before hand and decide what will happen, together.

Research

via tinynibbles.com

One of the best ways to find out what you might like is by reading about it/watching it. There are many excellent books of bondage erotica, and several excellent books of lesbian bondage erotica (our recommendations are coming later this month). Read them to explore what turns you on.

Education is also important. There are lots of books about bondage and BDSM, and lots of online resources. Here is a tiny, non-representative sample of them:

+ The BDSM Project at Sexis is an excellent jumping-off resource. Topics include suggestions for submissive types, suggestions for dominant types and being kinky and dating (by Sinclair Sexsmith):

“The key difference that separates a violent act from a kinky or BDSM exploration is consent. All parties consent to being involved, all parties have some knowledge of the parameters of what could happen, and all parties consent that they have the skills to be able to deal with the potential difficulties of playing with edgy things.

The people you date may or may not judge you for being submissive and kinky in the bedroom, that’s true — I won’t pretend no one will judge you. Dating is hard, and putting yourself out there with your desires is a vulnerable position. But remember: vulnerability comes from strength, not weakness. It takes strength to put yourself out there honestly. It is a risk to show your true colors because you could be laughed at or dismissed or called crazy. But the rewards are massive: You may find someone with whom you could play.”

+ Queer Kink no longer appears active, but still has guides to topics like wax play and sensory deprivation play.

+ If you don’t mind paying, Kink Academy has a ton of online posts and video on the fine points of flogger throws, basic suspension, and gender and kink, corsets, along with intro materials for beginners.

+ Do you know of more resources? Share them in the comments!

Plan Ahead

by Lew Rubens Productions

Have a conversation about safety. Safety: it is important. This might mean setting a safe word to stop whatever is happening, because some times you want to be able to plead and beg and say “stop” and know she won’t, and some times you want things to end immediately (words unlikely to come up in context work, but so do colour codes: red is stop, yellow is slow down. If one of you will be gagged, work out another signal.).

Safety might also mean making sure you have whatever you need for safe sex around, that any toys you might want to use are clean and in good repair, that if you are playing with something like candle wax, you have something nearby that could smother an accidental fire, you have safety scissors if you need to cut through rope, or that you know where you put the keys to your handcuffs.

Also have a conversation about what, specifically, you want to happen. If having your partner in control/being in control, then you will want some things, and if you like the idea of being restrained/restraining someone, then you might want other things. This is where reading bondage erotica will come in handy.

Finally, know what you are actually capable of doing. Suspension bondage looks dead sexy, but might not be your best bet the first time you ever pick up a piece of rope. Start with simpler things (in that case, much simpler), and go from there.

Get Down to Business

via fashionising.com

You know how sex is fun when you stop thinking and let your body think for you? That is not necessarily true with bondage. The very first time you spank someone, for example, you are not going to know exactly what you are doing, and that is OK. You might feel awkward, you might feel silly, you might not be sure they enjoy it, you might not be sure if you enjoy it, you might wonder if enjoying it (whatever end you’re on) makes you a bad person. And that is OK! (And it doesn’t).

There are hundreds of things you could learn about bondage but today we’re going to stay light and basic.

Communicate

Communication is important in vanilla sex, and it is even more important in non-vanilla sex. I keep saying this because it’s important: make sure that everyone involved has consented to everything you plan to do, be safe, and know that you can stop things the minute you don’t feel safe.

Play

Bondage/Restraint

via ropebondage.tumblr.com

“A thrill of warmth presses tight against my chest when I move to the part of the bed where se wants me. No time to think before her nylons — silk no longer gentle like my lover’s fingers — slide over my wrist. There’s no stopping the hiss of pleasure that slips past my lips at this exquisite, sensitive torture. Then my other wrist is in her grasp and to pull away would be like a sin, unrepentable.” —Elise Hepner, in Best Bondage Erotica 2012

The very best way to restrain someone easily and quickly is with actual restraints, which are padded and not likely to break with a bit of light struggling and, unlike metal handcuffs or scarves and ties, are not likely to tighten unexpectedly and cut off circulation. Even when lined, metal handcuffs are also too narrow and put a lot of pressure over a small area, particularly if the wearer wants to be able to struggle. Restraints are also easy to remove quickly if you need to, and require almost zero knowledge to use.

Rope is also a great way to restrain someone if you learn the basics. Here are a few of them:

• Make sure you can slip at least two fingers between the ropes and someone’s skin, both to maintain circulation and to make sure you don’t accidentally compress a nerve. If there’s a risk of moisture from sweat etc., leave things even looser — most rope will expand and tighten when wet. Also make sure to distribute tension over a larger surface area (for example, if you are going to tie someone to the bed, don’t just tie their wrists and ankles — also tie their elbows, knees, waist, thighs, and shoulders)(but not upper arms).
• Never tie rope around the front of someone’s neck or in a way that might prevent their ability to breathe.
• Never leave a bound person alone.
• Ask your partner about old injuries or anything that might make tying them in a certain place uncomfortable (such as if they slept funny on one arm last night).
• Keep safety scissors (the medical kind with one blunt side for going against someone’s skin, not the cut-and-paste kind) on hand in case you need to get someone out quickly. The scissors should be sharp enough to cut through your rope of choice easily.
• Check in with your partner every ten minutes. Make sure they know it’s OK to say if something is going numb or tingling, and monitor circulation yourself for discolouration.
• Go slowly, and check in often.

See also: “Why I love bottoming to rope bondage,” “The ten rules of wrist restraint,” and, honestly, how-to videos, such as this one from Two Knotty Boys, the authors of Showing You the Ropes:

Spanking

via mrsexsmith.tumblr.com

“I remembered how it felt when Mimi did it to me. At first, you’re surprised someone’s hitting you, even if you’ve asked her to. Then you’re excited. Then you’re in pain, but it’s a fantastic kind of pain. Each slap makes you want more, as much as you can take, until you can’t take any more, and you’re shaking, more than ready to have an orgasm, the kind that can only be gotten from a woman diving headfirst into you with her wet tongue licking rapidly.” —Madlyn March, in Spanked

Hands are fun and easy to control, so start by using yours. Aim for fleshy areas of the body that have muscles to absorb impact, and avoid her kidneys, tailbone, joints, and hands and feet (her ass and thighs are an excellent place to start).

Begin with gentler strokes and move to heavier ones as you both warm up. Experiment: different positions and toys (such as paddles, floggers, and riding crops) create sensations between stingy and thud-y, so try out a few to discover what you both like. It can also be fun to alternate strokes with other sensations, such as caresses, nipple clamps, or a strategically placed vibrator.

Good Vibrations and Babeland have excellent selections of toys to get you started.

Lots and Lots of Other Things

via prettyplussize.tumblr.com

It might turn out that what most turns you on with bondage is the element of being in control or being controlled, so don’t be afraid to play with that.

You also might not want to buy leather wrist restraints the first time you want to tie someone up, but you probably own scarfs, ties, belts, or pantyhose, and those can do the trick (and can also work as blindfolds). You almost certainly own ice cubes. Or lotion that would work as massage lotion. Or soft and smooth or coarse-textured clothing to trail down someone’s skin. And, use your hands! Hands are fun, and you are gay, it’s what they’re there for.

Check back the rest of this month for a sexy bondage gallery, book reviews, toy reviews, erotica and more!

Disclaimer: All of the photographs on NSFW Sundays are taken from various tumblrs and do not belong to us. All are linked and credited to the best of our abilities in hopes of attracting more traffic to the tumblrs and photographers who have blessed us with this imagery. The inclusion of a photograph here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If there is a photo included here that belongs to you and you want it removed, please email our tech director at cee [at] autostraddle dot com and it will be removed promptly, no questions asked.