How to Masturbate When You’re Sexually Repressed

It’s Masturbation May! Once again, we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles on the delights and the woes of solo pleasure-seeking. Here are some tips on how to masturbate when you’re sexually repressed.

I had my first tryst with another girl when I was in sixth grade, yet it took me ten more years to realize I was gay when I started crushing on — you guessed it — my college roommate. Never mind that 85% of my masturbatory fantasies involved women and nonbinary people. Pish-posh.

Raised in a culture of white Christian Southerners as a second-generation Indian kid, I didn’t encounter any positive messages about queer or trans people until I was in college, and there were plenty of homophobic slurs being slung around at school. We didn’t talk about bodies, sex, or pleasure growing up, and so, considering the context, I’ve experienced my fair share of sexual repression.

You might be sexually repressed if you were raised in a homophobic family or culture. Maybe you practice (or used to practice) a religion that forbids homosexuality, sex for pleasure, and — yep — masturbation.

If that’s been your experience, you might not feel particularly free when it comes to self-pleasure. Maybe you only do it at night under the covers. Maybe you only do it when you’re blasted out of your mind. Maybe you only think about the gender you were taught to be attracted to, or maybe you don’t masturbate at all. No matter what you’re dealing with, I have faith that you can masturbate and enjoy it.

As a former therapist, I know that embracing masturbation as a tool for pleasure, for activism, for decolonization — for, dare I say, liberation?! — can be tough. So how the heck do you do it when shame is getting in your way? Here are my tips for repressed queer folks that might help you get comfortable with masturbation.

Create a comfortable space for masturbation.

Make a nice lil sex nest for yourself while you’re getting comfortable with masturbation. Blankets, pillows, props, water, lighting, sex toys if you’re planning to use them. A nice pair of warm socks is my personal favorite. Cold feet are so distracting!

It can be nice to have extra time to devote to masturbating at the beginning, too. Maybe don’t start when you have to go somewhere in 20 minutes. If you absolutely must get it in (been there), figure out how long it’ll take you to transition (wash up, get dressed, etc). Then set a timer for that amount of time so you know when you have to get up and go without rushing.

Having some time at home alone be helpful, if you have that privilege. If your family, partner, or housemates are going out, jump on that opportunity. Even if you trust your dwelling-mates to knock, it can be nice to know that no one’s gonna walk in on you wrist deep.

Notice your shame.

When you’re considering masturbation, you might start to feel ~eMoTioNs~. Namely, shame.

If you’re masturbating, if you’re about to masturbate, or if you’re just thinking about masturbation and you start to feel shame, take a break. Notice the shame in your body or mind. What stories are coming up for you? What does the shame feel like? Whose voice is talking to you? How old is this shame feeling? How old is the “you” who feels this shame?

Once you notice those feelings — feel them. While “coping strategies” like reading a book or going for a walk can be helpful, you have to feel your feelings, or they’ll just keep building up forever and ever.

If you’re just not ready to try masturbating yet, that’s okay — sit with your feelings, go slow, and be gentle with yourself.

Remember that fantasies are just fantasies.

Fantasies are figments of your imagination. They exist in your own mind, and no one has to know about them. Heck, you don’t even have to WANT to act on them. They’re just thoughts — that’s it.

It’s okay if you want to think about having sex in a synagogue. Or with your former boss. Or in a temple. Or with your college field hockey teammates. You can think about whatever you want, because your thoughts aren’t hurting or bothering anybody! Thinking about scenarios that feel off-limits can be very sexy. If the scenarios in your erotic imagination shock you, choosing to think through them might remind you that it’s okay to have fantasies about all kinds of situations.

Use all of your senses.

When you’re fantasizing, remember to use all of your senses. The sound of someone’s voice saying your name. The feeling of lying on a sandy beach with the sun hazing out your thoughts. How it felt to go skydiving the month before you went to college. The taste of something you really love. The smell of your crush’s deodorant. Sensations are fair game, so use ‘em!

If imagining a full-blown scenario is too overwhelming or brings up too much shame, try focusing on just one of your senses — a sound, a smell, or a sensation. One great way to ground yourself if you get overwhelmed is the 5-4-3-2-1 method — focus, one at a time, on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

Experiment with touch.

In case you’re having trouble actually touching your genitals or other parts of your body that turn you on, there are tons of other ways to get comfortable with masturbating. Try touching parts of your body that feel less sexual to you, like your arms, your hands, or your feet. You can touch your erogenous zones over your clothes or undies, too, when you start to feel more relaxed. And if using your hands is just too much, feel free to use a sex toy instead as a bit of a buffer and aid to your pleasure. It’s all fair game!

If you’re still struggling to masturbate without shame or if you’re struggling to masturbate at all, I get it. Masturbation is something that’s challenging for many people, especially when you’re coming from faith or cultural communities that never speak of masturbation, consider it disgusting or a sin, or shame people for experiencing and seeking pleasure.

You’re not alone, and there’s help out there! Try bringing it up in therapy if you’re seeing a therapist, or look for a queer-affirming provider. Remember, if a therapist shames you for engaging in masturbation, it’s not you, it’s them — and it’s a sign you should find another mental health professional.

One last tip for the road — remember that no matter when you’re masturbating, there’s probably someone else out there who’s masturbating at the exact same time, because masturbating is a normal, healthy practice — and, hey, you might be moaning in unison!

Meet the Proud Pervs Behind Bedroom Besties, a New Gender-Inclusive Sex Toy Company

feature image via Bedroom Besties
It’s Masturbation May! Once again, we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles on solo pleasure-seeking. And speaking of pleasure, there’s no better time to purchase a sex toy from a gender-inclusive, kink-positive sex toy retailer like Bedroom Besties. Scroll to the bottom of the article for a discount code!

Sometimes shopping online for a sex toy can feel like shopping for a kitchen appliance. The descriptions are vague, the photos look sterile, and the dimensions feel meaningless when you can’t see the product in action. But that’s not the case at Bedroom Besties, a new online sex toy retailer created with queer and trans pleasure (and perversion) in mind.

Berry, Ethel, and Arch — three “sex-obsessed” friends — launched the Bedroom Besties website in January. “We all saw a gap in how sex toys were sold to trans and queer folks,” Berry says. “We realized we could fill that hole — pun fully intended.”

If you browse the Bedroom Besties’ website (which is definitely NSFW, btw), you’ll find an array of sex toys for folks of all genders. Many of those toys have accompanying photos of hot, naked queers demonstrating how the toys work on their bits and bods. This isn’t a new idea — other sex toy retailers like Mr. S Leather share explicit images in their online stores — but those retailers typically center the bodies and interests of cis gay men. Bedroom Besties’ photos reflect a broader spectrum of queer and trans bodies. This marketing choice is partially for the eye candy (“Who doesn’t love to shop while turned on?” Ethel says), but also, it’s practical.

“Sex toys aren’t always intuitive in how they work or who they work on. We want to showcase the various ways toys fit on trans bodies and during queer sex,” says Arch, a Bedroom Besties co-founder and former Autostraddle writer (!!!). Eventually, Bedroom Besties plans to have photos and demo videos accompanying every toy they sell.

The educational smut isn’t the only unique aspect of Bedroom Besties’ website. The retailer ditches the industry’s typical bashful euphemisms and markets toys using explicit language — words like “fucking” and “cumming” abound.

“We use explicit language because we have explicit content, and we want to be upfront about the fact that being pornographic is part of the Bedroom Besties mission,” Ethel says. “We are talking to the many horny freaks out there who, like us, long for the obscene and titillating content made by trans and queer people for trans and queer people.”

Using explicit language across all online platforms also helps Bedroom Besties stay true to the company’s ideals, even when nudity restrictions and algorithms force them to tone down their porny pics.

“We find it really frustrating to have to censor our sexuality to be seen, especially since sex is literally the point of a sex shop,” Arch says. “So while we may not be able to share our uncensored photos on social media, we can at least slip a little dirty talk in.”

If you’re planning to buy a new sex toy (or your first ever sex toy!) this Masturbation May and you’re feeling lost, Bedroom Besties can help you out with a free, fifteen-minute phone consultation. “If you don’t know where to start on your sex toy journey, if you’re unsure what might work best for your bod, or if you want to discuss any specific concerns you have about sex toys, these free phone consultations are a good place to start,” Arch says. Shy shoppers, fear not — the company also answers questions via email or Instagram DM.

Curious about the founders’ favorite toys? Here are their top recommendations:

Berry: The We-Vibe Melt is my ride or die, desert island toy. It’s primarily for use on the clit, but it can also feel great against nipples! The suction is strong and ultra-focused, and the slim shape makes it ideal for fitting between two bodies or using in combination with an internal toy. And it’s got a super long battery life, so as someone who never remembers to charge my toys, that’s a huge plus.

Ethel: The Spareparts Joque Harness is both comfortable and provocative. As a switch, I wanted something that could fit my body and a variety of other people’s bodies as well. The velcro adjustable waistband holds everything in place for all your favorite positions. It also tightens around your thighs and is easy to tighten in the midst of a long session of play. Then you can just wash it with the rest of your laundry. If you are thinking about purchasing a strap, this is my number one recommendation.

Arch: Okay, I’ll be talking about this dildo until I die, but I absolutely love the Shaft Model Dildos! There’s a variety of styles, sizes, and colors to pick from. Not only are they dual-density, soft silicone dildos, but they’re perfect for ‘pack and play,’ if you want to take the show on the road!

Bedroom Besties is offering Autostraddle readers a discount code to help you slut it up solo or in sexy company. Enter “AUTOSLUTS” at checkout for 20% off your purchase.

I Still Pray After I Masturbate

It’s Masturbation May! Once again, we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles on the delights and the woes of solo pleasure-seeking. This one covers masturbation and religious trauma.

Most people who masturbate have a routine: Step one — find some sexy inspiration to get in the mood. Step two — go to town. Step three — ideally, pee to prevent a UTI. Well, for me, there’s a fourth step. After I masturbate, I pray.

I grew up in a Black Christian household, and I’m not talking about one of the new queer-accepting ones — I mean one of the OG, guilt-them-till-they-die Christian households. I also went to Catholic school, so instead of learning about actual sex during sex ed, I was told that sex would turn me into a crumpled up piece of paper.

My schools and churches framed sex as an addiction that could pull you from the “right path” and push you closer to hell. This lesson was especially pushed onto us “fast-ass Black girls,” who were hypersexualized from the moment we hit puberty, if not earlier. So when I — the little closeted Black girl who was already trying to solve her budding sexuality through prayer — started masturbating, I tried hard to fix my “addiction,” even after I left home and Catholic school.

I downloaded an addiction-tracking app. I created a complicated prayer to ensure that no one would be hurt by my unforgivable actions. I was ashamed and scared, but also, masturbation was undeniably good for me — I was having actual orgasms while my peers were having climax-free, unsatisfactory sex. Still, I couldn’t shake the “addiction” narrative — that is, until I realized I was queer and let go of the lies I’d been telling myself.

When I came out, I realized I didn’t like the churches I grew up in, and I didn’t agree with the lessons they taught. If their God banished people to an eternity of torture for being themselves — well, I didn’t want any part of that. I knew I wasn’t doing anything hell-worthy by being queer, so sex was probably okay, too.

My guilt around sex and self-pleasure started to melt away. Eventually, I forgot about my addiction app and just let myself masturbate when I wanted to. I bought my first vibrator and lube. I also had sex for the first time. I was feeling sex-positive as hell — well, mostly.

Sex doesn’t feel wrong to me anymore. I’m having fun with different people, and when we’re having sex, we both get something out of it. But when I’m masturbating, I’m the only one getting any pleasure, and that makes it feel selfish and sinful, even though I no longer believe in sins. A little voice inside my head reminds me of all the lessons I learned growing up — that something horrible will happen to myself, to others, even to the whole world, if I indulge in self-pleasure. It’s hard to ignore that voice, so here I am — a no-long-Christian, sex-having adult — still praying after I masturbate.

I know I am not the only religiously-traumatized queer out there who feels shame around masturbation. Erasing decades of religious trauma doesn’t happen overnight, so while I haven’t cut prayer out of my masturbation routine just yet, I know I’ll get there eventually. I try to remember this: If I hadn’t started masturbating, I probably wouldn’t have known how to advocate for my pleasure once I started having sex. I was able to start my sexual journey with someone I trusted — me — and that’s a beautiful thing.

Old Gal, New Tricks: Queer Menopause and Masturbation

It’s Masturbation May! Once again, we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles on the delights and the woes of solo pleasure-seeking. Here’s one about menopause and masturbation. Stay tuned for more!

Forgive me for stating the painfully obvious: There’s so much shame and bullshit that surrounds our relationships with our bodies. Thankfully, as a woman north of 40 who’s done a lot of inner work, I’m so (mostly) over it.

The sad irony, though, is that just when I’ve finally started feeling confident in this perpetually full-figured body, just as I’m finally (hallelujah!) deprogrammed from my Bible-Belt-toxic-purity-culture-upbringing nonsense, just as I’m fully accepting my identity as a bisexual woman, and just as I’m eager to give and receive pleasure on my terms — it feels like my body is betraying me.

The same old, tried-and-true rub-one-out-before-bed to lull myself into a languorous sleep no longer works. Most of the time, a late-night solo sesh triggers the non-sexy kind of sweat, and I’d rather be sexually frustrated than change the sheets after a disastrous hot flash. (Y’all, wet spots have absolutely nothing on the utter wreck of a post-hot-flash sheet soaking.) To add insult to injury, every lube I’ve ever loved is now causing some kind of weird reaction. And WTF is up with this uptick in UTIs? I’m really struggling to find new ways to chase pleasure when my head is totally in the game but my body isn’t, and, conversely, I’m struggling with the times when it feels like all I want is orgasm after orgasm and I’ll die if I can’t lie in bed with my hands between my legs for hours a day.

This is what we don’t talk about when we (don’t) talk about menopause.

I’m no stranger to self-pleasure. I was probably five when I discovered the fantastic fluttery sensations that sometimes happened in my body. The fleeting, unpredictable moments of feeling something — something really good between my legs. Like when we were hanging onto the side of the pool, giggling in striped suits before swimming lessons, and I just happened to be in front of the jet. Like when watching TV, sitting on the arm of the recliner (a forbidden activity), and scooting off quickly so I wouldn’t get caught on the armrest meant, oh, something happened. There was no shame in these discoveries, just curiosity. But I also didn’t share it with anyone else. I somehow knew that whatever that something was, it wasn’t something we talked about.

At some point, I started connecting the dots, understood that I could be in control of the sensations, and started seeking out the unbearable pleasure of water rushing between my legs during bath time. I got really good at it. Chasing wave after wave of something big and wild inside of me while lying on my back, legs in the air or my feet on the side of the bath, hips dancing. Feeling something glorious wash over me until I fell with a dramatic splash back into cool water in the tub. (I’d later say I’d been playing mermaid and apologize for the water on the floor and promise to be more careful next time.)

I remember literally burning up the squiggle pens that were so popular in fifth and sixth grade. My mom would mutter about the pens being pieces of crap when I begged for another one because mine wouldn’t squiggle anymore. “Just use it without the batteries. There’s still ink in it and it writes fine.”

Uh, that’s totally not why I needed it, but I couldn’t say that. By then, I knew enough of the world — through movies and soap operas, not through actual sex education, mind you — that what I was doing was related to sex. Though exactly how, I wasn’t sure. I certainly never inquired, because I knew that if finding pleasure in my own body was connected to sex, then what I was doing was wrong. And then I’d have to stop.

That’s what we don’t talk about when we (don’t) talk about menopause. The ways we’ve known our bodies, the ways we’ve learned their multitudinous pathways to pleasure, and how those pathways sometimes — for reasons out of our control — are suddenly blocked. Or seemingly not on the map anymore.

Dr. Jen Gunter, who has become America’s menopause doctor with her earthshaking The Menopause Manifesto, notes that what is happening to me now is basically “puberty in reverse.” When I first read that, I felt all the gears in my brain grind to a halt. Then they frantically began moving forward at warp speed. Everything confusing that’s happening, that seems to not be happening to other people — if we even begin to talk about it in the first place — it all makes sense. Dr. Gunter’s book showed me that I’m not broken, so there’s still hope that the longest sexual relationship I’ve ever been in (the one I have with myself) can still thrive.

I’ve learned to chase pleasure before, and now, during menopause, I have the opportunity to do it again, to find new ways to connect with my body — so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It’s worth noting I’m not technically in menopause, since the medical definition is when a menstruating person ceases having a period for at least one year. Everything after that is, technically, post-menopausal, and I’m sure some new fresh hell will be revealed to me then.

What we think of as menopause is really the “menopause transition” or perimenopause — that horrible (okay, fine, it’s not so bad — wait, no this is the worst!) time that can last anywhere between two and ten years. Whatever you call it, it’s 100% the pits. (Probably more like 1000%, but I’m a writer, not a mathematician.)

And through it all, some people with uteruses will experience changes in the vulva and vagina. Dryness and itching are apparently par for the course, and, as estrogen levels drop, even thinning skin. All a recipe for sexiness, right?

Well, yes. Because desire is a mindset not a biological imperative. So this time of chasing pleasure is what we make of it. And I intend to make a whole lot out of it. Maybe not in public swimming pools or under my desk with a vibrating pen, but with an open mind. Because whatever else is going on between my legs and inside my veins, my brain is still the sexiest part of me.

The Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator Is the MILF of the Sex Toy World

Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator, available at Babeland.

Okay, first thing’s first: This vibrator is very, very good. It’s worth the hype, and I would say it’s also worth the price tag. That said, I have some more intricate thoughts about it, which is good, because otherwise this sex toy review would be quite short.

I’ve eyed this vibrator for a long time, so I’ve gotten used to its bizarre look — but wow, it’s very strange to look at! It sort of looks like an electric toothbrush when it’s standing on your bedside table (this makes sense, because the Eroscillator was actually created by the same person who invented the electric toothbrush!). While I don’t hate a good roleplay where I pretend to be a teen using an electric toothbrush to masturbate again, it’s definitely not slick or sexy like some of the newer vibrators on the market today. But it’s not ugly — just odd-looking.

The Eroscillator plugs into the wall, rather than running on batteries or needing to be charged, which rules. The cord is very long, which also rules, and the fact that your masturbation or sex session will never be interrupted by the disappointing whimpers of a dying vibrator is a huge deal. This baby can go forever.

As for performance, I expected to be blown away, and I was. The Eroscillator is for you if you like oscillating vibrations on and around your clit, your nipples, the tip of your penis, or any other body part you can think to use this on. I personally love this exact type of movement on my clit and on my nipples, so I was delighted. My partner really liked the movement on her clit, but she wasn’t a big fan of the sensation on her nipples — she said it just didn’t do it for her.

The Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator, specifically, comes with multiple attachments — according to the manufacturer, one is made of silicone, and the rest are made of TPR and nylon. Some of them feel pretty standard, and some of them feel wild. (The other Eroscillators on the market do not come with as many attachments and do not have as strong a motor. I’ve heard anecdotally that it’s not a big deal when comparing the motors, but that the attachments are really worth it to splurge on, which is what drew me to the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator.) The “Ball and Cup” attachment, for example, felt great, as did the “Golden Spoon” — those shapes really cupped my clit. Meanwhile, the “Ultra Soft Finger Tip” was a little too soft for me, and while the “French Legionnaire’s Moustache” looked BIZARRE (truly like a little moustache — with hair!), when I used it on my partner, she LOVED it — so don’t judge a book by its cover. The “Grapes and Cockscomb” attachment was a surprise winner in our household, and the “Seven Pearls of the Orient” looked sexy (“Is that for anal?” my partner asked, and upon reading the pamphlet that came with the toy, I learned it is, although I’m nervous that the attachment could come off, and, without a flared base, would get sucked into the swirling vortex of your butthole). But the name gave us pause (“Why… is it called that?” my partner asked, and to be honest, I do not know and I wish it wasn’t!).
At this point, I’ve used the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator solo, with my partner, and on my partner, and it’s been amazing each time. I especially appreciate the sensation on my clit when I’m pairing it with penetration. I did truly experience some mind-shattering orgasms — that cannot be denied. The product specs say, “Swiss designed and university tested, this isn’t your typical sex toy,” and I would agree and also disagree. After its invention in 1996 (and its rise to sex toy fame, thanks to an endorsement from Dr. Ruth), the Eroscillator was the first toy of its kind to really make the movement it makes (oscillating — moving side to side — with 3600 movements per minute), but I don’t think it’s the only toy of its kind on the market anymore. The Zumio products come to mind immediately (check out our review of those toys, and I even think some of the suction toys on the market today (the Womanizer, and all the toys of its ilk) do similar things re: movement, even though oscillating and sucking are not exactly the same. The main thrust is that the toy is not vibrating, and, as such, it’s not going to numb out the area you’re using it on, and if your body is like mine, it will allow you to tease yourself longer and perhaps squirt because of that. Which is amazing! But I just think while it used to be a groundbreaking toy, it is now one in a line of toys that do similar things. A very beloved elder in that line, to be sure, but not a unique, special sunflower, you know?

I will also say, this toy is not the Hitatchi Magic Wand. That feels silly to say — because, duh, of course it’s not — but it should be noted that the sensation is different from the hard vibrations a Hitatchi provides. This is very cool, and also, sometimes you just want the hard vibrations of your Hitatchi! I masturbated for a few hours with the Eroscillator one night before eventually telling my partner, “Okay, that’s enough teasing — I need to come fucking hard.” And so I grabbed the Hitatchi, and within seconds, I did just that. So if you love vibrations, this might not be the toy for you. And if you already have a Zumio, this might not be the toy for you because it’s similar to what you already have. And! If you care a lot about the aesthetics of your toy or if you’re on a tight budget, this might not be the toy for you because it’s not cute and it’s not cheap.

But if you’ve heard the hype about the Eroscillator and you’re wondering if it’s true? Yeah, it totally is. If money is no object and you want a toy that oscillates and will never die mid-session while rocking your world, the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Vibrator is the way to go. You’re welcome.

How to Shop for Accessible Sex Toys When You Live With Chronic Pain

Pleasure is a basic human need, but people with disabilities and chronic illnesses are often left out of the conversation. I live with chronic pain and a myriad of other issues. I’m also a pleasure educator. I’m a confident person, but even I can admit that chronic pain has impacted my sexual confidence and sexual autonomy. The good news is that living with chronic pain has taught me how to help myself and others achieve pleasure in the most comfortable way(s) possible using accessible sex toys.

For people with disabilities and chronic illnesses, sex toys aren’t always “just” for fun — sometimes they’re necessary tools for getting off (or at least getting off comfortably). Of course, all bodies are different and every person has different needs, but if chronic pain is part of your life, there are some general tips you can keep in mind when you’re shopping for a new sex toy.

Before You Shop: Expand Your Definition of Sex

Sex and pleasure are supposed to look different for everyone, but so many of us get caught up in a heteronormative definition of sex, which focuses heavily on penetration. Exploring kink, sensation play, and erogenous zones; deprioritizing penetrative sex; and incorporating toys can be rewarding, especially for disabled and chronically ill folks.

Figuring out what works for your body and your sexuality is all trial-and-error, but the process can also be fun and hot as hell. It’s easy to become frustrated with our bodies and try to ignore the limitations our chronic pain puts on us. Instead, approach your body, your sexual re-learning, and your sex toy shopping with patience and gentleness. You deserve that.

Look for Easy-to-Press Buttons

Now that you’ve expanded your definition of sex, let’s get into the in’s and out’s of accessible sex toys. If you’re looking for something that vibrates or thrusts, it probably has buttons that control the settings — and sometimes those buttons can be hard to find and press, especially if you experience pain or limited mobility in your hands. Look for a vibrator with large, easy-to-press buttons or opt for one with a dial instead (this is a pretty common feature in battery-operated bullet vibrators like this one).

I’m a fan of BMS Factory, which makes sex toys with buttons that are very easy to press, and you simply hold the button down to turn up the intensity. I also love the Swan Wand, which has a great handle and easy-to-press buttons. When you’re shopping, don’t forget to consider the strength and intensity of the toy, too. The effects of chronic pain can also impact levels of sensitivity in the genitals, so it’s a good idea to choose a toy with a range of speeds — that way, you can experiment with different intensity levels and find what works best for you.

Look for Toys With Long Handles

If you can’t comfortably reach your own erogenous zones or your partner’s erogenous zones, look for toys with long handles. Wands like the Magic Wand are a popular choice, especially since there are a lot of attachments available that allow you to use a wand for penetration or as a stroker (but heads up — the Magic Wand is heavy!). If you’re looking for a toy that offers clit stimulation, you can get external stimulation from a G-spot vibrator like the VeDo Quiver or ROMP Hype, using the shaft in addition to the handle for extra reach. Tantus also makes a few dildos with handles like the Anaconda and the G-Force, which give you a little extra reach for easier penetration. If you want to use a vibrating butt plug and can’t reach around to adjust the settings, opt for a remote-control option like the b-Vibe Rimming Plug.

Look for Toys That Are Lightweight and Easy to Grip

If you have chronic pain or limited mobility in your hands or wrists, it can be tough to hold onto a vibrator when you’re using it on yourself or on a partner. Look for a vibrator with a loop handle, like Fun Factory toys, or try a finger fin like the Blush Wellness Palm Sense or VeDo Yumi — those two are designed to rest comfortably between two fingers with no gripping or heavy lifting necessary. You can also opt for a toy that straps to your fingers, like the Evolved Frisky Finger (there’s no holding or gripping necessary for this one, either!). If you’re shopping in-store, make sure to check the weight of any toy before you buy it to make sure it’s sustainable for you to be hold, as some sex toys are surprisingly heavy! Some online shops and sex toy manufacturers list the weights of toys of their websites, too. If you can’t get the information you need, check out online reviews or contact the company’s customer service.

Opt for a Hands-Free Toy

If using hands is not an option or if it’s just really uncomfortable, then look for a hands-free toy or toy mount that you can use for masturbation. If masturbating in the bath sounds nice, the WaterSlyde might be the right choice for you. This plastic “slide” ties onto the faucet of the bathtub to focus water pressure right where you need it. Do you want to mount a dildo or vibrator that’s too heavy for you to hold? Try the Liberator Tula, a soft but sturdy positioning pillow with pockets for mounting vibrators and dildos.

If you know you like grinding against a pillow or a partner’s thigh, try a vibrating grinding pad, which can offer a little more stimulation. Toys like the Lust, the Ruby Glow, and the VibePad only need to be placed on a surface that the user can access — then you can hump away!

The Hot Octopuss Pulse is a unique penis vibrator that can be used even while flaccid. It holds the penis while thumping against the most sensitive part, the frenulum. This one isn’t totally hands-free, as might need to be held in place, but this toy makes it possible to orgasm without any stroking or thrusting.

There are many hands-free butt plugs and prostate stimulators, but Aneros makes some of the most popular and well-reviewed options. You can move these massagers against your prostate by simply flexing and relaxing your sphincter muscles while the toy is inside you — no hands, thrusting, or angling needed.

Use a Positioning Aid

If you have back, hip, or pelvic pain, the standard missionary position is likely going to be uncomfortable. Placing positioning pillows, like the firm-but-still-comfy Liberator pillows, under your hips or back can help alleviate pressure and better align your pelvis to receive penetration, if that’s your goal. Positioning pillows can also help you feel more comfortable or more easily access your genitals during solo play, too. Sex straps can also help make thrusting easier and safer, especially if you or your partner have back or hip injuries (just make sure the person holding the straps is comfortable using a little upper body strength). The Doggie Style Strap can give you or your partner extra leverage (there’s also a longer, plus-size version). A sex positioning chair like this one can also be helpful. With its sturdy metal frame, handles, and elastic straps that help you bounce, a positioning chair allows you use less energy and focus more on pleasure and less on strain

Strap It Anywhere

Did you know you can strap a dildo to pretty much any body part? Non-pelvic harnesses, such as thigh harnesses, boot harnesses, and chin harnesses, can help expand options for penetrative sex without having to worry about thrusting hips. Just put a dildo in it, strap it on, and let your partner ride it.

Prevent Painful Penetration

People who suffer from endometriosis often experience pain with deeper penetration. If that’s you, you might benefit from a depth-limiting toy, like the OhNut, which can go around the base of your partner’s penis or around the base of your favorite vibrator or dildo. Glass and stainless steel toys can also be helpful because they’re easily cooled, and a for some bodies, a chilled toy can bring relief to an inflamed pelvis. On the flip side, if you deal with tense muscles, warming the toy by running it under warm water may help relax your pelvic floor. And if you want to experience penetration but can’t comfortably handle much girth due to pelvic pain or tight pelvic floor muscles, seek out an extra slim dildo or a dilator set like this one. You can use one of the smaller dilators the same way you would use any other dildo. And don’t forget to use lots of lube!

Further Reading

Check out The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness by Cory Silverberg, Fran Odette, and Miriam Kaufman. This book provides encouragement, support, and expert information on sex positions, sexual pleasure, and sex toys. It also features illustrations, a resource guide with hundreds of books, websites, and organizations. You can also check out A Quick & Easy Guide to Sex & Disability, which was written and illustrated by Autostraddle writer A. Andrews.

Go Forth and Experiment!

Remember: Everyone person with chronic pain has their own individual needs. Listen to your body, listen to your desires, and figure out how to connect the two. Sex and masturbation are inherently different for everybody! It’s all about figuring out how to make it the most pleasurable experience for you.

I’m Asexual and I Prefer to Have Sex With Myself

When I started going through puberty, I was taught three things about sex: 1. Sex is “intercourse between a man and a woman,” 2. Sex always leads to teen pregnancy, which will ruin your future, and 3. The only way to prevent teen pregnancy is by practicing abstinence.

I was raised by a Vietnamese mom and an African American dad with strict expectations. My mom wanted me to focus on school rather than socializing, while my dad wanted me to perform femininity through my gender presentation and not think about boys at all.

I had no person or resources to turn to about my fluctuating sexuality. I experienced romantic attraction to a few boys, but not sexual attraction. On the rare occasion when I did experience sexual attraction, it was when I found myself staring at a girl’s cleavage or butt. Without the language to express my feelings or the ability to explore them, I kept my head in books and suppressed my sexuality until my mid twenties.

Reading the manga Sailor Moon and watching the anime series and movie Revolutionary Girl Utena and Adolescence of Utena helped me come to terms with my attraction to girls, but there was still something missing. I knew I liked girls, but I didn’t know how I liked them. I appreciated the physical appearance of girls to the point where I literally wanted to write poems about them and maybe have romantic relationships with them. However, the idea of sex with a girl — especially penetrative sex — felt uncomfortable. I also felt the same way with other genders.

I started looking up information about my queerness, but researching other aspects of my unique relationship to sex never occurred to me. Romance, sex, and sexual attraction are normalized, regardless of orientation or gender. I knew I was bi and nonbinary, but I thought that rarely experiencing sexual or romantic attraction meant that I wasn’t queer enough.

In early 2018, I came across the YA novel Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann. Although I initially got the book purely to review a debut Black YA author, the novel’s Black, biromantic, asexual protagonist ended up explaining and validating most of the confusing feelings I had about my sexuality. This book helped me realize that I was a bi, grey asexual who experiences aesthetic attraction first, rather than sexual or romantic attraction. Aesthetic attraction is when you appreciate the physical appearance or beauty of a person — in short, you enjoy looking at a person, but you don’t have a crush or feel turned on.

I also found resources on grey asexuality, such as the literary journal The Aze and the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. I realized that maybe I would want to have sex or romance, but only under specific circumstances — like when I have a deep, emotional bond with someone (this is known as demisexuality). I also started affirming my asexuality through writing essays and poems about my experiences.

At the same time, I had to gradually unlearn what I had been taught about having and enjoying sex. Coming across articles about non-penetrative sex acts sparked my interest in nipple play, erotic massages, and dry humping. I started experimenting a bit with sex fantasies, erotic fanfiction, and masturbation. Whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night with my mind and heart racing, my mind eventually drifted to nighttime fantasizes of hot makeout sessions and half-naked sex. I would also masturbate by rubbing one of my breasts until I felt calm enough to try and go back to sleep.

Masturbating and indulging in sex fantasies gave me the sex positivity that I’d been starved of for most of my life. I finally realized that it is completely possible to be asexual, experience some sexual attraction, and enjoy sex — even if you’re only having sex with yourself.

For now, I’m happy having a sexual relationship by myself. I like being able to affirm my occasional sexual urges without judgement from anyone else. It is also a way for me to have some “me time” when I need a break from the stress of work and my responsibilities as a parent caregiver. I hope that someday sex can inspire my creativity, especially since I’ve discovered a newfound appreciation for some sexy artistic works, such as Janet Jackson’s song “Would You Mind?”

I’m still unlearning the wrong things I learned about attraction and sex, and my journey is unique. Like other orientations, asexuality is fluid and can vary from person to person. Through resources such as sex education and queer support networks, as well as some self examination, you can decide if and how you want to enjoy sex.

How Masturbation Helped Me Accept Myself as an Intersex Lesbian

It’s Masturbation May! This month we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles celebrating the art of self-pleasure. Stay tuned for more.

It’s difficult to be honest about who and how I am as an intersex female. I rarely use “intersex” as an identifier, instead describing myself using other terminology, such as “female” and “lesbian.” I have only recently come to understand how the term “intersex” accurately defines my life and body.

As I have learned more about the LBGT+ community, it’s clear that the people grouped together into the “+” are often forgotten about. The stigma around intersexuality and its validity is deeply harmful to the large portion of the population that is affected by it, with my condition alone effecting 1 in every 100,000 people, and leads to many of us feeling lost, without a voice and shamed for bodies we had no input in creating.

The course that I’m on to self-acceptance and self-love has never been clear or easy, and the radical acceptance I need often seems far out of reach. But my journey had a radical shift when I learned — and succeeded — at masturbation and self-exploration. The beauty I have found in my body as I have grown capable of pleasing it outshines the negativity I’ve received from doctors, friends and former partners. Masturbation has truly changed my life and has allowed me to take steps towards finding myself.

From the beginning, it was clear that I wasn’t “normal,” and that was never going to change. I was born with a genetic hormone condition, a DNA mutation that left my female body coursing with testosterone during fetal development. After birth, that mutation led to masculinized features, including excessive and coarse body hair; a low, raspy voice and “ambiguous genitalia,” a broad and technical term used by doctors to classify differences in sexual development. For me, having “ambiguous genitalia” means that I was born with a small, almost non-existent vaginal opening and urethra, prominent extra erectile tissue leading to my clitoris and a very enlarged clitoris.

I received corrective surgery to reshape and normalize my vagina, subjecting my nine-month-old body to vaginoplasty, labiaplasty and clitoroplasty. Post-surgery, my life has included frequent and invasive medical appointments with endocrinologists, urologists and other specialists. I have been poked, probed, touched, tested, examined and questioned about every aspect of my body and every part of my life, all in hopes of getting my hormones and symptoms to a manageable baseline, understanding that no matter what medication I take or what additional surgeries I could have, I will never live a perfectly “normal” life. I was conditioned to only give importance to the quantifiable parts of my diagnosis; the hormone levels, the medication dosages, the number and time of appointments. The ways I might struggle with self-worth and self-love were never discussed.

For many years in my adolescent life, the word “normal” was a haunting term that I truly truly yearned to feel and achieve. In my young and naïve brain, the girls I considered “normal” didn’t struggle with the body dysmorphia and shame that I suffered from and didn’t have to face the dilemma of constantly hiding the true shape of their bodies. To me, everyone had a “porn-pretty pussy,” and I was the black sheep of vaginas. At that point of my life, I was still closeted and had only been with male partners. I was of the belief that the shame, rejection and pain that I faced regularly during intimacy were as good as things were going to get for me.

My initial attempts at pleasuring myself were unsatisfying and difficult to say the least. Around the age of 14, I tried to get to that ultimate release using my hands and penetrative sex toys with or without vibration, not knowing that my pleasure required different methods altogether. I explored all consistencies of lube and all shapes and sizes of dildos and vibrators. Still, I couldn’t figure out how to make it work for me. My small vaginal canal makes large sizes painful. Clitorally-focused bullet vibrators or rabbit-style toys are unable to reach the clitoral nerve head underneath my enlarged anatomy. I ultimately became internally and emotionally frustrated at what I believed to be my shortcomings

When I had my first female partner who accepted the most vulnerable version of myself and showed me how to explore and pleasure myself, I finally understood that the “normal” I was seeking was mythical and that my body was beautiful and precious the way it was. My newfound confidence led me to the exploring of less conventional clitoral vibrators that accommodate different sizes of clitoral anatomy, and those are what I use today.  I have come to accept that penetration is a pleasant aid for orgasm, but most often, it’s not effective in achieving climax alone. Penetration is something I appreciate during partnered sex, but it requires significant foreplay and confidence to avoid discomfort. Learning to self-pleasure has helped me break down the walls of shame I built for so long, believing my body was incapable of love, satisfaction and, frankly, orgasm. Masturbation has given hope on my journey to fully accept the parts of myself that I cannot change. It has shown me that my body is worth the time and effort to achieve the incredible release that comes from patience, understanding and kindness.

Today my life is basically as “normal” as possible, despite me no longer searching for that unrealistic goal. I live healthily with daily medications and semi-frequent doctors’ appointments. I have a loving, understanding partner who encourages open communication in the bedroom and never judges me for the differences that are outside of my control. I masturbate regularly for much of the same reasons anyone else does: stress relief, boredom and (obviously) horniness, and yet having a body that allows me that joy is not lost or taken for granted. Having the ability to create my own pleasure has opened my eyes and heart to accepting myself for everything that I am.

Building My Own Masturbation Rituals as a Pleasure Educator

It’s Masturbation May! This month we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles celebrating the art of self-pleasure. Stay tuned for more.

Masturbation wasn’t celebrated or openly discussed in my home, but I was never shamed for it, either. I never heard the religious threat that masturbation causes hairy palms and blindness, and I was never told that some all-knowing god was watching and judging me. When I was very young, all my mother ever said on the subject was: don’t do that in front of company and wash your hands. I grew up exploring my body and became that friend who was comfortable talking about pleasure and sex — the friend that everyone came to with questions, even if my answers weren’t always correct. This was a double-edged sword sometimes. My openness attracted a lot of attention from people my age and older, but it also empowered me to demand pleasure during hookups, set my own boundaries and maintain them.

I remember experimenting with the vibrating part of a pillow that was supposed to be a back massager, and that was how I started my lifetime love affair with vibrators. I learned that vibrators did what fingers could never do. They gave me a fast track to pleasure when fingers felt like a saunter. They also helped me discover the importance of the clit, and when I hooked up with someone who ignored my clit, I knew they weren’t going to be for me.

I then moved on to a pocket rocket that was a freebie from a popular sex shop and became a loyal pocket rocket user for many years. At the time, I didn’t know there might be better options available. Eventually, I got a job at a sex shop and received a huge bag of sex toys at a training. I tried them out so I could give customers the most accurate information about the toys they were interested in buying. Now if someone tells me the features they’re looking for in a toy, I can match them up with the ideal vibe for them. It feels like a having a super power.

Working in sex toy stores has given me an expanded vocabulary for understanding and talking about my own pleasure. It’s also helped me explore my queerness and kinks because I now own harnesses and kink equipment that I never had access to before. I don’t know if I would invested in those types of pieces for the life I used to live. Now those items are integral to how I have sex with myself and with others.

There’s nothing quite as powerful as being in charge of your own pleasure. Masturbation helps me avoid burnout both personally and professionally, so dedicating time to masturbation is incredibly important to me. When I don’t prioritize pleasure, multiple areas of my life suffer.

The last decade of helping people with their solo and partnered sex lives has given me the tools to prioritize my own pleasure. Does that mean that I always take the time to warm up my body and block out noise that might distract me? No. Does it mean I always mix up my positions and vibrator intensities so I don’t train my body to orgasm in one way? Of course it doesn’t. I’m guilty of always reaching for my one favorite toy — the Magic Wand — turning it to my favorite setting and rocking my pelvis until I cum. Despite teaching classes about how to prioritize pleasure, mindful masturbation and body positivity, I don’t always take my own advice during my solo pleasure sessions. Sometimes I forgo lube or forget to charge my toys or just feel too depressed to masturbate at all.

When that happens, I try to remember that masturbation releases dopamine and oxytocin — two feel-good brain chemicals connected to stress release — and that I always feel better afterwards, even if I wasn’t in the mood at first. I also have to remind myself that not every masturbation session has to involve candles and bubble baths. I’m allowed to have quickies with myself and not make a big production every single time just because I have all the tools (and then some) at my disposal. Sometimes I feel guilty not using all the bells and whistles I have available to me, but variety is the spice of life, even when you simplify things. When I’m feeling particularly unmotivated, I’ll simply read some erotica to try and get the creative juices flowing — figuratively and literally.

Ultimately, I’m thrilled to have reliable ways to get myself off. I know there are many people who are still on the hunt for that elusive orgasm, solo or partnered. I also know from a decade of working in sex toy stores that many people feel shame for wanting or needing powerful vibrators or girthy dildos. I hope I inspire folks to explore and find their pleasures. Whether it’s grinding against a textured pad or using powerful wand, there’s no shame in knowing what gets you off. Be gentle and kind with yourself, and move away from goal-oriented thinking in your masturbation. Any form of self-love and exploration that makes you feel good is a wonderful thing.

10 Ways to Celebrate Masturbation May

Give yourself a hand — it’s Masturbation May! This month we’ll be publishing content that honors the art of self-pleasure. Want to join in on the fingering fun? Here are ten ways to celebrate International Masturbation Month:

1. Just do it.

If you struggle to set aside time to relax, you’re probably not masturbating much, if at all — that means you’re missing out on masturbation’s many benefits! Masturbating feels good (duh), and it releases endorphins, which can help us relieve stress and pain. Masturbation also helps us understand what our bodies like, which can help us more effectively communicate with sexual partners. If you’re a vulva-owner without much masturbation experience and you need some help getting started, check out Ryan’s guide: How to Masturbate Like a Champ.

2. Or just do it more often.

According to Autostraddle’s 2015 sex survey, 44% of respondents said they masturbate multiple times per week and 13.71% of respondents said they masturbate once a year or less. If you’re part of that 13.71%, try making your usual masturbation ritual a weekly (or even daily) routine this month. And if you already make time for the ten-finger tango, keep up dirty work.

3. Take your masturbation routine to the next level.

If you’re stuck in a masturbation rut or if you’re struggling to get in the mood, read Vanessa’s thorough and inspiring guide: You Deserve to Practice Elaborate Masturbation in Your Life; Here’s How — or at the very least, enjoy a hot playlist while you’re getting it on with yourself.

4. Find out how other people masturbate.

Talk about masturbation with your friends! If that’s not your style, learn about our readers’ masturbation experiences. You might discover a new technique that will make your solo sex life a little more interesting.

5. Try a new toy.

Maybe you prefer hands-on masturbation, but for all the toy lovers and toy-curious folks out there, try mixing things up and treat yourself to a new pleasure tool. Scroll through this list to get some ideas, stick to the classics and snag yourself a Magic Wand or let Drew’s essay about Sex Education inspire you to try out a prostate massager.

6. Read some erotic fiction.

If you’re an A+ subscriber, then you’re probably familiar with Autostraddle’s S L I C K erotica series, which ran from April 2020 to March 2022. Scroll through some of our stories to get those creative (and sexual) juices flowing. For a meta experience, masturbate while reading this story told from the perspective of a person who’s masturbating. If you prefer a longer narrative, check out the titles on this list: 38 Literary Books With Great Lesbian Sex Inside Them

7. Or read some erotic non-fiction.

If you want to study up before you get down, check out Bang!: Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities and learn why Vic Liu decided to write the book in the first place.

8. Cue up some masturbation porn.

Need a little cinematic inspiration to get off? Buy some queer porn. Then stick with the Masturbation May theme by watching some hotties have sex with themselves. Don’t know where to start? Subscribe to CrashPad and check out Spookyfatbrat’s Solo, Venus Selenite’s Solo or James Darling’s Solo.

9. Do it with a partner.

Mutual masturbation is hands-down THE MOST UNDERRATED SEX ACT. It’s safe, it’s intimate and you get to be in charge of your own pleasure while you enjoy some company — so grab a partner (or two…or more) and masturbate together! Pay close attention to how your partner touches themself and take some mental notes for the next time you fuck.

10. Add a little substance.

If your body enjoys CBD and/or THC, your genitals might like a little relaxation, too. Yep, CBD- and THC-infused lube, suppositories and sex oils exist — and they work! To get an idea of what’s out there, check out Shelli’s recommendations.

Stay tuned for more Masturbation May content to inspire your exploration!

How and Why I Wrote Bang!: A Masturbation Sex-Ed Book for Everyone

I grew up in a household where I never learned the Chinese word for sex. During family movie nights, we averted our eyes when animated characters kissed on screen. At the time, it just felt like how things were.

High school sex-ed prepared me for college with two lasting images: One, my sex-ed teacher squeezing a banana into a condom until it burst into the lubricated latex, and two, a medical photo gallery of STI’s that included a particularly severe case of chlamydia captioned as “cauliflower-like growths.” Neither of these memories were particularly helpful for navigating the messy emotional complexities of sex.

Every night, in isolated rooms across my college campus, there were only two young people, sometimes drunk, armed with only the personas we had been trained to cling to, the language we had inherited from our past, and heaps of bravado and insecurity. Alone and in the dark, we were tasked with using these meager materials to cobble together a pleasurable, consensual sexual experience that wouldn’t traumatize either party. We were set up to fail.

My senior year, I sat in a row of uncomfortable, gray-maroon conference chairs lining a hallway of the student health center, waiting for a nurse to call my name. The wall in front of me was tiled with a billboard of 50 plastic brochure holders. Each shiny pocket cheerily presented pamphlets for handling all of life’s sexual challenges. 90s WordArt proclaimed “So you have syphilis…” and “You’re gay! How do you tell your parents?”, and of course, a pamphlet simply titled “Sexual Assault and Rape.”

I made Bang! Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities because it profoundly made sense to me, because there was a gaping hole in that plastic wall where there should have been some acknowledgement of pleasure, consent, or the emotions of sex. Bang! was designed to fill this gap with emotionally-aware, positive sex-ed. While we had been taught about the vas deferens and fallopian tubes, we had never been taught how to even talk about sex with a partner. I made Bang! because I thought it needed to exist.

It was only years later that I realized I was also furious. I was angry in a way that was incomprehensible within the polite university language that wrapped around me. Inside of those stone walls, it was socially acceptable, even tacitly expected, for people to have their consent violated. Pleasure during sex had never been guaranteed.

I recognize now that within the profound logic of Bang! was a bullet train of cold rage, pain, and indignation that coursed unceasingly through my veins when I learned that you cannot trust the systems that be to take care of you or those you love. I made Bang because of my unmovable conviction that we all deserve love and care, especially when we are naked and alone.

Before Bang! became a book, it began as a zine about masturbation for everyone, no matter your gender or body. It was designed to accompany people as they explore their bodies, beginning in a safe space with just themselves. The words and illustrations were made to support people emotionally in all the private, intimate corners of who they are. People shouldn’t feel alone in their moments of vulnerability, shame, and self-doubt. They should have the tools and support that I didn’t have when I began my own journey.

I realized I had never learned about how this journey feels if you are trans or disabled. For that matter, I had never learned much about the textured details of cis man sexuality either. I pulled in many people, including Rebecca Bedell, Lafayette Matthews, A. Andrews, and Andrew Gurza to encapsulate the intimate experiences of masturbation with different bodies or genders than mine. It struck me then, and still strikes me today, how deeply the similarities in our sexual journeys resonate across bodies.

When I started designing and editing Bang!, conversations that began with “What are you working on?” became an uncomfortable exploration of the facets of sexual stigma still within the people I knew. When I asked a design colleague for his thoughts on a draft of Bang!, his sole feedback was “Don’t most people know how to masturbate already?” There were many acquaintances that reacted to mentions of the book with strained cheeriness and gratuitous innuendos. Years after our conversation on sexual consent and masturbation empowerment, my friend said, “I thought your point was to get guys to masturbate more so they would rape less people on campus.”

Those hours of small talk made it clear that the stigma of sex extended far beyond college dorms and followed us into our adult lives. The stigma rotted away our ability to acknowledge or inhabit the connection between our bodies and our lives. Stigma organized our lives into boxes, and anything that fit into the box labeled MASTURBATION was to be hidden under the bed, perhaps referenced in jokes, but never engaged intellectually or emotionally. We were still trapped.

I hadn’t prepared myself for how my rigid parents would evolve in reaction to Bang!. While we still avert our eyes from movie sex scenes, my 56-year-old Chinese finance professor of a father bought 10 copies, donated to the “Socially Distanced Orgy” tier of our Kickstarter campaign, and emailed his university’s student health center about the importance of masturbation sex-ed. My mother, who once anxiously whispered to me in a Target aisle that tampons were for married women, now floods our family text conversations with applause and party emojis to celebrate Bang!’s milestones. I couldn’t be prouder.

Bang! is part of a conversation to examine and rebuild our learned attitudes toward our sexual bodies. This conversation is shaped by writers and thinkers like Audre Lorde, adrienne maree brown, and Sonya Renee Taylor; sex workers and educators working around the censorship walls of social media; and independent publishers and bookstores carrying sex-ed books that mainstream publishers are scared to. The movement centers on our ability to build a new and different relationship with our bodies, a relationship built on radical love, acceptance, knowledge, and joy rather than shame or fear.

The makers of Bang! are people of color, white, trans, cis, nonbinary, disabled, non-disabled, straight, queer, men, and women. In Bang!, words like penis, clitoris, vulva, nipple, and pleasure feel easy to say. All 128 pages of full color illustrations are designed to be irreverent, loving, and stubbornly full of radical, bodily joy. And every page is written and designed with love and support for the moments when you feel the most vulnerable and alone. My only regret is not having more Black and Brown voices.

There is so much power in illustrating the sexuality and joy of marginalized bodies. There is power in the celebration of all of our bodies together. It is the declaration that no matter who you are or what your body is like, you deserve to feel good in it. We are all messy, difficult, and different, and we all share an inherent capacity for pleasure. It is our right and imperative to discover it—and we don’t have to do it alone.

You Deserve to Practice Elaborate Masturbation in Your Life; Here’s How

I love dating myself. I think it’s an important part of practicing self love; all the romantic and sweet things you could theoretically do for or with a partner you can also do for and with yourself. This includes making elaborate meals, going on elaborate adventures, gifting elaborate presents, and yes, engaging in elaborate masturbation sessions. As Lizzo sings about herself in Soulmate: And she never tell me to exercise / We always get extra fries / And you know the sex is fire! When I heard that I squealed in delight: Did Lizzo actually just refer to the sex she has with herself – masturbation – as fire on a song off an album that debuted at number six on the Billboard 200? She sure did, angels. I invite us all to take that energy with us as we dive into this article.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a quickie masturbation session – who amongst us has not lazily reached for our Hitachi and spent less than five minutes orgasming right before bed? That’s beautiful too! – but I feel strongly that everyone deserves to try out elaborate masturbation if only to see if you like it! I once described a particularly elaborate session I’d had to a friend, and she seemed shocked and impressed. “You like, really love yourself, huh?” I do. I really do. And you can too! For this article I interviewed a lot of people – both pals and strangers – about their elaborate masturbation practices, and I’ve compiled some of their experiences into a handy to-do list for beginners and experts alike of elaborate masturbation.

This post was originally written in 2019 and updated/republished in 2021 to celebrate May is Masturbation Month!

Set Aside Time

Anything elaborate tends to take time. This is the opposite of a quickie – this is a whole scenario you’re creating to spend time with yourself and your body, and you do not want to be rushed. If you live with a partner or roommates or your parents or anyone else, try to coordinate a time when the people you share your space with will not be home. If that’s impossible, at least make sure you have a solid closed door policy and set an implicit or explicit boundary that you are not to be disturbed when you’re taking time for yourself in your room. If you have the luxury of being flexible, think about when you’re most likely to feel excited about masturbation. If you’re a morning person, waking up on a Saturday might be perfect for you. If you’re more of a night owl, maybe you want to pick an evening where you don’t have anywhere to be the next day. One person interviewed told me they plan for days in advance, and another said they actually aim to schedule 2-3 hours of solo masturbation time into every week. I didn’t ask that person any astrological follow ups so I don’t know their sign, but as a Capricorn, that level of planning really spoke to me.

Be Intentional

The coolest thing about masturbation is that it’s entirely on your own terms. You are the only person involved (unless you’re masturbating with a partner, which is hot, but not what I’m advocating for in this particular article) and so your needs and desires are the only thing you have to take into account! If you have trouble verbalizing to a partner or a date what you like when it comes to sex, or if you’re not even sure you know what you’d like, let alone know how to ask for it, this is a great time to be intentional and think about what might make you feel good. Ask yourself: What do I hope to get out of this masturbation session? Are there new things I’m curious about that I’d like to try by myself before I attempt them with another human? Do I care if I orgasm? I absolutely do not believe that sex or masturbation has to be goal oriented (although sometimes there is a goal you might be interested in achieving, and that’s fine too, though you shouldn’t be hard on yourself if you don’t or can’t reach it) but I do believe in intention setting.

Prepare Your Mind, Your Body, and Your Materials

Elaborate masturbation is not a casual low key thing. It’s a high key thing, and that’s the point! You know all that self imposed anxiety you store because of societal pressure against being “too much”? Throw that away right now! Your elaborate masturbation date with yourself is a high key event, and you should prepare accordingly! Setting aside time and being intentional are two ways to prepare your mind, but take it a step further and start using your imagination. One person told me they spend at least an hour reading reading erotic comics to get in the mood; they recommended The Rock Cocks and Alfie as free options available online, and FilthyFigments for paid content that you can purchase that has plenty of great queer-women-and-enby-friendly options. Other folks read narrative erotica, imagine which toys and outfits they’ll wear, journal about what they’re most interested in, and watch porn. There’s no wrong thing to think about, and the coolest part about fantasies is that they belong entirely to you.

When it comes to preparing your body, remember that masturbation is a physical activity and you should prepare accordingly! A friend once teased me that it seemed like I was running a marathon every night with the amount of elaborate masturbation I was engaging in, and you know what, she was not wrong! Hydrate! Eat a solid meal! Have snacks and water nearby! Have a little wine or smoke some weed if that’s what you’re into, or choose to be entirely sober. Take a shower if it makes you feel sexy. Hold off and don’t masturbate for several days before hand if you want to tease yourself or really feel like you’re going to explode when you finally do orgasm. Choose your outfit intentionally. Put on makeup or don’t, spritz some perfume or dab on some essential oils or don’t… the point is that there is no one size fits all situation for this date, because it’s all about you and what you personally enjoy! Figure out what that is and then treat yourself. Except for water and food – water and food are non-negotiable.

Elaborate masturbation does not have to include a lot of props – you can be extremely elaborate with your brain and your hands – but it often does include some additional objects, and it’s nice to have all your materials within arm’s reach so that you’re not racing around your apartment with a butt plug desperately looking for your medium-size dildo and an ice cube, unless of course part of your elaborate masturbation fantasy is sending yourself on a treasure hunt while wearing a butt plug, in which case mazel tov please follow your dreams!!! Some materials to consider when planning an elaborate masturbation session: dildos, butt plugs, nipple clamps, other sex toys, lube, implements for impact play, ice cubes, rope, towel or puppy pad or absorbent blanket, audio recorder, full length mirror… that is certainly not an exhaustive list, and it should go without saying that you should research safety precautions before using any of the things on this list that are unfamiliar to you, but hopefully that list is inspiring to you.

It’s Time to Masturbate!

Okay! You’re ready! You’re gonna masturbate now! You’ve made the time, you’ve set your intentions, you’ve prepared your mind and your bod and your materials and now… you’re gonna masturbate! Elaborately!

Here are some fun suggestions, all contributed anonymously, to inspire you as you embark on your own elaborate masturbation journey:

1.

I start off with a tasty meal just for me sometimes I cook it and sometimes I just order in. Then I soak in the bath with a glass of red wine for at least 30 minutes. Then I doll up, I put on my favorite lotion, leave my face bare except for red lip stick, and dress in soft, sexy clothes. Then I indulge in whatever fantasy I’ve been dreaming up. Sometimes it’s belly play, or impact play, sometimes it’s nipple play, and sometimes is just going to town on a dildo. There isn’t a specific goal with my elaborate masturbation practices. For me it’s about appreciating myself and my body.

2.

I like using elaborate masturbation to try out sensations that are brand-new to me, or sometimes even actively challenging/anxiety-producing for me, and see if I can learn to enjoy new things. I learned how to like & then love any kind of penetration by experimenting with solo butt play during drawn-out, no-pressure, leisurely masturbation sessions where I also used a much-loved vibrator against my clit. I learned to like & then love vaginal penetration by very slowly adding that into my sessions as well. I treat it like a date: I pour myself a big glass of water; I turn on some chill music; I turn the lights down; and I plan for it in terms of my time & energy. Experimenting with partners is also great, but my body seems to learn to enjoy totally new forms of sex & play more easily solo. All of my most-dramatic shifts in how I experience sexual pleasure have happened in this context over time.

3.

My routine is pretty consistent and ends up being about 90% “foreplay.” It’s toy-free. I start by spending at least an hour reading erotic comics. I also spend a lot of time using my imagination to get off but it’s not always efficient. Then I do a lot of nipple play, usually involving just my fingers and sometimes lube and ice – I do this for 30-60 minutes and usually I can orgasm from it. Then I always end by inserting a finger and rubbing my clit but I don’t usually last much longer than 5 minutes. I’ve developed this routine from prioritizing my comfort and pace and favorite activities (like nipple play) over whatever I feel like I’m “supposed” to do, and I recommend it! I’m working a lot on accepting and celebrating my body lately and it’s very fun to figure out my quirks and address (and love) not just my needs but my wants as well.

4.

[What elaborate masturbation looks like to me:] Showers and make up. Body oil. Lingerie. Dancing to sparkly lights in front of the mirror. Laying out all the toys and lining them up by interest for the day. Searching porn for hours to work myself to end up grinding into myself and my favorite playlist. Shutting the door and curtains and loving on myself without the presence of time. [It] is fun and challenging and has taught me so much about how and why I shame myself, and has allowed me lots of room to explore my feelings regarding sex in a completely safe and independent matter.

5.

I love to record myself masturbating and then listen to it when I get off in the future. It sounds egotistical I guess but I find the sound of my orgasms really hot! I learned this move when I was recording a clip of myself masturbating to send to a long distance date, but then I played it back to make sure it sounded okay and it turned me on so much I ended up making myself come again before I even sent it. That’s how I learned I love this trick! Make yourself orgasm by listening to yourself orgasm? The definition of DIY!

6.

I sometimes use rope when I masturbate. I find myself doing it more by myself when I don’t have kinky partners, because it’s something I really crave, and I find that self-tying will put me in that subby headspace without needing another person. What that looks like for me, out of a sense of safety, has been pretty simple. The key points have been pacing it really slow and thinking hard about what I’m doing to make sure I’m not putting myself in danger in a high risk way. I never tie my hands. Doing ties on my legs, or tying my ankles to something in a particular way to create a sensation of being restrained, or sometimes tying rope around my torso allows me to create tension that I can play with and pull and push against; for me, that feels good. When it comes to self-tying, safety is a really big deal. I did a lot of research online about safety, and would encourage others to do the same. Make sure you can always cut yourself out of a tie – which is why I don’t tie my hands.

One final note on elaborate masturbation practices: because you are alone, it is extra extra important to be very diligent about safety! As our anonymous contributor emphasizes with rope and self-tying: do your homework beforehand, keep doing your homework, and take precautions that will keep you safe (like not tying your hands and making sure you always have scissors nearby if you need to quickly cut yourself out of a tie). It’s always important to research safe practices for sex, but it’s even more important when you are solo.

Post-Masturbation Care

If you take only one major point away from this article, I hope it’s the knowledge that elaborate masturbation absolutely does not have to look the same for every human. One person’s dreamiest scenario is another’s Absolute Hard No. The biggest takeaway from each of the examples included above is that these folks use elaborate masturbation as a space to spend meaningful time with their brains and their bods, explore and experiment different ways they like to be touched, appreciate and love their bods and themselves, rid themselves of shame when it comes to leaning into their desires, and have fun and be sweet to themselves.

When you wrap up an elaborate masturbation session, take care of yourself the same way you’d offer care to another person. Get yourself some water and a snack. Rinse off in the shower if that feels good. Pass the fuck out if you’re tired. Clean your sex toys so they’re fresh for the future. Take some selfies if you feel hot and inspired. Be kind to your bod and your brain, and most importantly, get excited for your future elaborate masturbation sessions! You deserve it, babe.

How to Masturbate Like a Champ

Sex with yourself is part of a healthy sex life if you’re into that, whether you have seven girlfriends or zero. Masturbation is the best way to learn what kinds of touch you might like, figure out new ways to have orgasms if you want orgasms, try a new toy without the pressure of a partner, and celebrate International Masturbation Month. (Plus, according to Autostraddle’s Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey open to queer women and anyone who identifies with that experience, queer women masturbate more times a week than straight women.)

But masturbation can also feel kinda weird! For one thing, a lot of people are up for talking about or bragging about or group-text-troubleshooting things that come up in partner sex, but solo sex doesn’t get the same treatment. Maybe you never really masturbate and don’t know where to start. Maybe you’ve been masturbating the same way forever and want to see what else is out (or in) there. Where ever you are, here are a few new ways to reconnect and get down with yourself.

This post was originally written in 2018 and republished in 2021.

Approach a sex experience with yourself the same way you’d approach a sex experience with a partner.

Sometimes masturbation is mostly about having an orgasm so you can get on with your day, just like sometimes partner sex is about getting off as fast as possible so you can go back to your table before the restaurant gives it away or whatever. But largely, partner sex gets at least a little coordination time — even without planning a scene or elaborate sex toy prep, you still have to make sure you’re in the same place at the same time and on the same page about what you’re going to do. Solo sex doesn’t need that kind of coordination, and as a result can sometimes have a lot less thought behind it. But what does it look like if you plan it out in advance? What does it feel like if you anticipate it, get excited for it, do your laundry or change your underwear or adjust the thermostat or make a playlist for it?

Try different positions.

Part of trying different sensations is trying different positions. Personally, I’ve found that I tend to masturbate one of two ways: on my stomach, which is the in-bed position I’ve been using since I first learned it, or sitting at my desk in front of my laptop, so I can take notes if I’m reviewing a sex toy. In addition to being unexciting, these positions translate pretty poorly to partner sex, which means I’ve had to try new ones to teach my body to come literally any way that isn’t those two ways. Think about the positions in which you usually masturbate — Always on your back? Always on your front? Legs open or closed? Straight or bent or tucked in? What hand are you using? — and try something new. Maybe you’ve always done it lying down and today’s the day to stand against a wall instead. Maybe you’re normally lounging but today’s the day to try it on all fours. Explore different positions out of your comfort zone until you find ones that work for you.

Don’t just focus on your clit.

If you have a factory-installed clitoris, it has about 8,000 nerve endings. If you have other genitalia, it has about 4,000 nerve endings. If you have a surgeon-installed clitoris, the details vary, but it might still be fun to touch. This means that during masturbation, it’s easy to go straight for your clit and forget about other parts of your anatomy.

Instead, try to bring your whole body into masturbation. Run your hands over yourself and touch your body in whatever ways feel good, whether it’s playing with your nipples or gripping the back of your own neck or pulling your own hair.

Then, try different touches on your vulva or other genitals. Cup the whole works firmly with your hand and rock into it. Spread your fingers like scissors and massage either side of your clit while you cup your pubic bone area with your palm. Touch the skin around your clit instead of hitting it directly. If you have a vulva or like ass play or both, try some penetration. (Just remember not to go from ass to vulva without washing your hands or swapping gloves.)

Try different touches on your clit.

You probably have a way that you instinctively touch your clit when you’re trying to come. But how often do you use other types of touches? Try circling around your clit; making figure-eights around it; making criss-crosses over it; and stroking up and down, side to side, or diagonally in all different directions. Try going only in one direction, or going back and forth. Try using the pads of your fingers, the tips of your fingers, or your whole palm. Try different speeds. Try fluttering light sensations and firmer consistent ones and ones intense enough to feel almost like massage. Try arranging your labia around your clit for more indirect touches, working through your underwear for even more indirect ones, or pulling your clitoral hood back for super direct touches (if you have that anatomy). Your clit can learn to enjoy lots of different sensations, but you need to show them to it first. And don’t forget lube.

Add a sex toy or two.

If you’ve never used a vibrator before, they can be so much fun. (Here’s a guide to buying one for the first time.) Try one alone on your clit, try one for penetration, use one along with your fingers or try two or three at a time.

If you like wearing a strap-on for sex, try wearing it while you masturbate. If you’re new to strap-ons, or to this one particular strap-on, masturbating with it can be a great way to connect and feel like it’s part of you. (Check out this shopping guide for strap-ons, and this guide to harnesses for trans women.) It can also be a great way to experiment with how different angles feel — some people can come just from wearing a strap-on while fucking somebody, and masturbating while you wear one can be one way to figure out if that’s you. It also lets you fiddle around with any pockets for bullet vibes, what wearing a cock ring over a dildo feels like if you’re wearing the dildo, what penetration feels like if you’re wearing a strap-on (and if your fingers or a sex toy fit under your harness) and other sensations.

Fantasize.

If you normally watch porn, what happens if you don’t? If you normally read erotica, what happens if you don’t? If you normally just get off to whatever’s in your head, what if you watch porn or read erotica? Check out these solo Crash Pad scenes to get started. (If you’ve never watched porn before, you’re not alone.) Or for other ideas, read about how other queer women and humans masturbate.

Take your time.

When you consciously set aside time for masturbation, you consciously set aside time for your sexuality. You can relax, not worry as much about the end result, and give yourself more room to explore.

Sometimes masturbation just doesn’t feel good or comfortable even though you want it to. (It also goes almost without saying that you don’t have to masturbate, either right now or ever, if that’s not what feels good to your body or head.) If you do want to masturbate but find yourself getting blocked and uncomfortable, set a timer for a short period — say, five minutes — and promise yourself that you can go for that length of time and then stop no matter what happens as one way to work up to engaging with your body in ways that feel better.

Sex isn’t just about orgasms, so masturbation doesn’t have to be either. What happens if you get super close to coming, but then don’t? What happens if you keep going after you come? What else can you learn about your body? What happens when you give yourself room to just do you?

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities.

Sex ed almost never includes queer women or our experiences, so we’re exploring pleasure, safety, relationships and more to make that information more accessible. A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines.

Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!

LIVE WORKSHOP: Get Into the Queer Sex 101 Workshop Series, Learn All About Masturbation with Shelli!

It’s a new year, we’re fundraising for new futures, and anything is possible! After the runaway success of the Fisting Workshop led by Malic over our 13 Days of A+ in 2020, we’ve been working on figuring out how to bring you more content that gives you the concrete know-how about queer sex that it can be tough to get through written articles in a format as close to IRL as possible. We wanted it to be actually useful for folks of all kinds of experience and background and give you concrete knowledge beyond just asking your partner what they’re into, and we wanted it to be led by queer people whose insight on sex & relationships you trust in a format that’s as accessible as possible. And we’re ready to make it happen! We’re bringing you a brand new live video series exploring the building blocks of queer sex, led by real queer sex-having people! This month, Shelli Nicole is bringing you a world of knowledge and insight about masturbation!

Autostraddle’s Queer Sex 101 Workshop Series is made possible through the support of A+ Members. The live workshop is available to A+ members only (please visit this post to obtain the password or check your A+ e-newsletter for the password). Realtime live captioning will be provided! Register here for All About Masturbation with Shelli Nicole once you’ve joined A+ and gotten your password! The recording of this workshop will be available for free to the public within 72 hours of the initial workshop. Thank you A+ members for making this possible!

Join A+ to access this workshop (and so much more!)!

Have questions about masturbation to ask, or topics on it you want to see covered? Let Shelli know here!

Support Independent Queer Media

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LIVE WORKSHOP: A+ Members, Here’s the Info to Learn All About Masturbation with Shelli!

Register here for All About Masturbation with Shelli!

Have questions about masturbation to ask, or topics on it you want to see covered? Let Shelli know here!

Support Independent Queer Media

We’re raising funds to make it through the end of July. 99% of the people who read this site don’t support. Will you be one of the ones who do? Joining A+ is one of the best ways to support Autostraddle — plus you get access to bonus content while keeping the site 99% free for everyone. Will you join today?

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I Can Masturbate, No Hands: On Innovative Masturbation and the Power of Friendship

essay by Bella Dally-Steele; illustrations by Maddy Rea

One of my first memories is of hide and seek. I was five, maybe six years old and had stashed myself behind my parents’ bed to wait out the hunt – and to indulge in a certain tingly pleasure. Alas, although I hastened my business as the footsteps of an unsuspecting family member plodded closer, I cut it too close. I remember him opening the door, only to slowly and suspiciously close it after glimpsing me belly-down on the bedroom floor, legs tightly clasped together.

Although I soon learned to indulge only behind locked doors, leg squeezing remained my self-pleasure method of choice throughout the remainder of my childhood and adolescence. Through frank conversations with cross country mates and cheeky hints in coming-of-age films, I learned that masturbation is something people do to their vaginas with fingers, shower heads and (though I often doubted it) hairbrush handles. I intrinsically knew that what happened when I pressed my thighs together and held my breath was masturbation, too, but as my Encyclopedia of Wank expanded with no reflection of my own methods, it became clear that I was missing a fundamental element of jerking off.

Of course, what I was missing was some Booksmart-grade representation, not a guarded secret to self-pleasure.

“Research suggests that most people with clitorises masturbate with their legs in a semi closed or closed position, even when they’re using another manipulator,” Sheila Addison, a life, marriage and family therapist, told me in a phone interview this August. “I’m not sure if it’s a norm, but it’s a large minority, if not.”

According to the landmark yet woefully outdated Hite Report, at least 3 percent of the women interviewed for the 1976 study reported masturbating by pressing their legs together. That’s at least one other girl on my obscenely large high school cross country team who nodded along in confusion when our teammates mentioned “flicking the bean.”

But 3 percent starts to look deceptively conservative when you take into account that thigh clenching is the most common way that children with clitorises discover masturbation. Physiologically, it makes sense, said marriage, family and sex therapist Courtney Watson. The frequency with which you lay or sit with your thighs pressed together makes it exponentially more likely that you will discover pleasure in this position as compared to, say, with a hand spontaneously rubbing on your clit.

It is, as physician and eugenicist Havelock Ellis observed in 1927, a masturbation technique that is often acquired innocently at a young age – with the added bonus that it involves “no indecorum.”

Surprisingly, Ellis hit the nail on the head (while, perhaps far less surprisingly, pathologizing gay and racialized people while he was at it). Some people masturbate this way because, like me, they simply never branched out; others, because of its discretion and decorum.

Such was the case for fellow leg-squeezer Maddy Rea. While I was furiously reading unhelpful advice columns on my deviant masturbation technique, she was convincing herself that if she wasn’t touching the clit with her fingers, it didn’t count.

Maddy, now 24, had discovered self-pleasure in a similarly compromising circumstance – nestled under blankets on her babysitter’s couch. Like me, all she needed was a suspicious inquiry as to “what she was doing under there” to nudge her practices into the all-too-common realm of shame. By the time she hit puberty in an abstinence-only high school, she had rewritten the definition of masturbation in her mind. What she did in her bedroom – with bunched up blankets, the spindle of her bedpost or her hand clenched between her thighs – had long since ceased to be the “masturbation” her teachers denounced.

When she started having partnered sexual experiences, Maddy rewrote the definition of “orgasm,” too. She could climax within 20 seconds of clenching her legs together while laying on her stomach or sitting with her legs crossed (a skill I deeply envy), but direct fingering or oral sex always plateaued into painful overstimulation. After one self-conscious attempt at replicating her technique on a high school beau’s hand, Maddy abandoned hope of incorporating a partner into the only method that could get her off. Orgasms would from then on out stay between her and her thighs alone.

“It’s kind of symbolic of closing yourself off from experiencing [pleasure] with someone else,” Maddy explained to me in one of numerous Zoom calls from her Ottawa apartment. “Almost like it’s only for you.”

There’s a host of factors that train people to masturbate through leg clenching, most of which have gone unresearched due to a lack of academic interest or incentive in studying clitorises, Addison said.

To begin with, it feels good. While no studies have investigated the mechanics of it, thigh squeezing likely stimulates the internal and external structures of the clitoris, Addison told me.

In addition to the thighs, most people who use this technique also contract muscles throughout the pelvic floor, which are in turn connected to the internal structures of the clitoris (like the bulbs of the vestibule, crura and shaft of the clitoris). Contracting pelvic muscles likely alternates pressure on these internal structures, thus stimulating them, Addison said.

For people with a larger glans of clitoris (the external, hooded mound that most people associate with the word), thigh rubbing might actually “sandwich” the clit between their legs, stimulating it externally as well. Those with smaller glans likely apply pressure by rhythmically squeezing the legs and labia around it.

Perhaps the most evident motivation to continue masturbating through clenched thighs, rather than progressing to other methods, is shame. It’s an easy practice to hide from housemates and, for those raised to see wanking as dirty, from yourself. There’s no telltale rustling under the covers or – if you train yourself to regulate your breathing like Maddy and I – even labored gasps. Let it never be said that the technique, which is sometimes judiciously branded as “hands-free” masturbation, is without advantages, albeit sex negative ones.

Shame is not always the primary factor in making thigh squeezing an individual’s masturbation technique of choice – but it just so happens that this was the case for Maddy and me.

“It can blossom into much more for people who hone in on this technique,” Watson said when I asked her about how this method could affect the partnered sex lives of its users. “I think if it’s shame based, the shame would have a negative impact… You set the stage.”

Naturally, I asked this because the technique – or, as she corrected me, the shame I have associated with it – has negatively impacted my partnered sex life.

In the months before my college graduation, I finally set out to “train” myself into more partner-friendly masturbation habits, per the advice columns I had read years earlier. My efforts were fruitless, often ending in tears of frustration and a cursing of my mutinous genitals.

After crunching the numbers, I came to the conclusion that I needed a toy that could mimic the indirect stimulation I was used to, while allowing me to workshop new, open-legged wanking positions.

For those trying to widen their horizons, Addison recommended following directed masturbation techniques that focus on incrementally opening up one’s legs. In partnered penetrative sex, she suggested experimenting with rear or side penetration, which allows the receiver’s legs to remain closed.

It took me nearly five months to finally cum through alternative methods – in my case, with a vibrator that shoots waves of air at the glans of the clitoris. From there, I’ve managed to transition to using fingers.

It’s significant that I spent the first three of those five months in a mental block. After a first explosive crack at my shiny new vibrator, I simply refused to touch the thing. It wasn’t until I moved across the country, shucked a relationship and found myself with ample free evenings in an empty apartment that I finally dedicated myself to renegotiating pleasure with my body.

By the time I met, and began oversharing with, Maddy the following fall, I had managed to expand my horizons and had even cum for the first time ever in a partnered scenario, with the help of my vibrator and a particularly disarming woman. My chapter of self-pleasure woes was ostensibly behind me.

Maddy and I were still getting to know each other on a hastily-planned trip to Bucharest when a throw-away conversation about hookup culture turned intimate. One of us – I’m not sure who, at this point – mentioned that we masturbated with our legs. All it took was a glint of recognition to spark the conversation we’d both been waiting to have for years.

That night, I scribbled a hurried journal entry:

“We found out we both struggle to orgasm b/c we masturbate in the same leg squeezing way – she’s the first person I’ve ever met who does this too! I gave her some tips on what to do – buy a [suction/air pressure toy], work from there to hand stuff, etc.”

Since that hours-long conversation a year ago, Maddy has come out as bisexual, introduced a similar vibrator into her sex life and, like me, discovered a new way to get off. But she has yet to introduce any of her masturbation practices into partnered sex. And I’ve yet to cum with another partner.

When I started reporting this essay, I asked Watson if she had any advice for readers looking to transition to more partner-friendly masturbation. You might correctly suspect that this question was self-serving. Indeed, Maddy and I had penned it days before, breathless in anticipation of finally learning how to “fix” our masturbation styles and overhaul our partnered sex lives.

I think Watson picked up on my alternative motives, too, because her advice was pointedly not to transition to other practices.

“I love the idea of getting all dressed up in lingerie, and having your partner sit across from you, watching you masturbate [through clenched thighs] … as a way to incorporate this into your sex life,” she told me. “It’s all about creativity, and a willingness to be vulnerable.”

I’m glad she was on the other end of a phone call and not a Zoom, because I visibly cringed. When I relayed her advice to Maddy later that night, she cringed too.

That’s how I know Watson is spot on.

Maddy and I cringed because neither of us can imagine letting a partner see us in our most natural, vulnerable state of pleasure. We may have picked up a new masturbation skill, but a more daunting hurdle remains. And it’s going to take more than five months and a $100 vibrator to confront it.

Quarantine Survival Playlist: “Self-Love for Self-Isolation”

I haven’t seen my girlfriend in nearly two months, other than on FaceTime. And I don’t know when I’m going to see her again. I made her a version of this playlist, as I was looking for chill, relaxing vibes that were also sexy and romantic for some kind of long-distance connection.

But upon listening to it over and over, I realized it’s also perfect for some, well, self-love. If you’re not living with your partner, the only person you should be having sex with right now is yourself! You deserve to practice elaborate masturbation in your life. Now’s the perfect time!

These songs are for slowing down, relaxing, maybe sparking it up, laying in bed, staring out the window, and thinking of bae. Alternatively, they’re for slowing down, relaxing, maybe sparking it up, laying in bed, and getting to know yourself better (in the Biblical sense).

The Playlist:

Excerpts from Selected Tracks:

Listen to the lyrics, and realize that every love song on this list — and, essentially, every love song in general, really — could be about self-love! Sing these songs to your partner over FaceTime, or go look in the mirror and sing these songs to yourself (before you get down with yourself).

Dounia, “Love-Showered”

Keep me blushing, love-showered/ Show me pleasure for hours/ Beg me to eat up, devour/ ‘Cause you loving my power/ … Don’t know if I’m being selfish/ Fuck it, call me selfish/ Only want it if it’s fun, that’s how it should be/ Now I’m selfish/ Fuck it, call me selfish.

Girl Ultra, “Llama”

Cuando cae la noche quiero que tu estés aquí/ Quiero que tú estés aquí/ Llama antes de irte a dormir/ Baby, acuérdate de mí.
(Roughly: When the night falls I wish you were here/ I want you here/ Call me before you go to sleep/ Baby, remember me).

Kacy Hill ft. Francis And The Lights, “I Believe In You”

I believe in you/ And you are my proof/ That everything gets better and/ That love can be true/ I believe in you.

James Blake ft. ROSALÍA, “Barefoot In The Park”

Ya tengo to’ lo que quiero/ Ya no puedo pedir má’/ Cuando te tengo a mi la’o/ Lo pasa’o se queda atrá’/ Si te apartan de mi vera/ Y te tuviera que encontrar/ Hasta allá te encontraría/ Como el río va a la mar.

(Roughly: I have all that I need/ I can’t ask for more/ When I have you by my side/ The past stays behind/ If they separated us/ And I had to find you/ I’d go anywhere to find you/ Like the river goes to the sea).

Leikeli47, “Top Down”

Patient with my pride/ You move it all aside/ Never had a lover/ So careful and kind/ Ain’t much that I need, rather be/ Caught up in your rhapsody/ And I don’t mind/ I don’t mind.

The Japanese House, “f a r a w a y”

She makes me wonder why/ She makes me wonder what I’m doing/ Spending all these seconds away from her/ The time I’m losing/ Being far away, I’m lost in space/ Make it go away, all this space between us.

Be Steadwell, “Don’t Be Afraid”

Let’s find a way/ to let go of the roles that you always play/ Cuz in my hands/ You can feel safe/ Don’t be afraid/ If I turn you on/ Turn you out/ Don’t be afraid if I/ Steal my name from your mouth/ Don’t be afraid if you wanna ride/ Don’t be afraid to show me your soft side/ You can show your soft side.

33 Queer Women and Non-Binary People On Their Early Masturbation Experiences

photo in feature image by Autumn Goodman

We already knew that queer women masturbate more often than straight women and, in that post I just linked, we have quite a few theories regarding why that is. The results of the most recent Lesbian Stereotypes Survey suggest that not only do we masturbate more often than straight women, we also started masturbating earlier than straight women. This is a very general “we,” by the way, I personally was a very late bloomer w/r/t masturbation, which surely I have discussed before on this website where I store all my secrets. Anyhow, here’s how you all turned out:

According to the University of Michigan, around 25% of girls and 100% of boys have masturbated to orgasm by the age of 15. Other research shows 95% of males doing it by age 20, compared to 60% of women. We didn’t ask about orgasm but I think the above chart strongly suggests we were getting down to it earlier than the masses.

Anyhow, there was a “comments” section under this multiple choice question, and boy did you ever comment! For example, I got a lot of comments about Catholic guilt. Let’s get into your stories of your first masturbation experiences, ripped mercilessly out of context and presented here for educational and entertainment purposes.

33 Queer Women & Non-Binary People On Their Seminal Masturbation Experiences

1. Probs I got started in the womb

2. oops and it was because i was attracted to barbie’s sister skipper

3. …at that point, after a long period of occasional embarrassed Google searches to figure where exactly everything is down there (thanks, Catholic sex ed), it was a revelation, let me tell you.

4. I was afraid to, but once I discovered it, justifying it would help me someday know how to have sex, I had a new hobby

5. June 15th 2014 what a day!

6. …and it was to thoughts of Wonder Woman

7. I also didn’t watch lesbian porn until my freshman year of college because I felt like I was intruding ?? On the women?? Idk, catholic guilt is weird!!

8. i thought that the clit was the vagina oof

9. I honestly had never considered that women could just masturbate with their HANDS.

10. I was 19, on Valentine’s Day lol

11. It was mind blowing and I had no idea what was happening and couldn’t believe no one would have told me about this if they had known it existed

12. I was 14, it was shortly after I got my first period and felt my body had betrayed me. I learned about the existence of masturbation from a Focus on the Family Dr. James Dobson book, “Preparing for Adolescence”, and promptly got down to business trying to figure it out. AHAH. Don’t think the intention of the book was to introduce teen girls to their first orgasms. But in a roundabout way, it did.

13. My mom had a Hitachi I think? My older sister and I both admitted to each other that we used it when we were both very young.

14. I started regularly visiting AOL chat rooms where sexual role playing was occurring — often involving people in hot tubs? wtf I don’t even know why

15. Good ol’ electric toothbrush

16. Keen wanker 4 lyfe!

17. I used to spend a lot of time engaged in elaborate kidnapping fantasies

18. Shoutout to being a late bloomer and to Barbarella.

19. Later I watched the british show Sugar Rush and saw the main character using an electric toothbrush… and now I have a penguin vibrator.

20. Only after reading “It’s Perfectly Normal” did I realize that the thing I’d been doing was called masturbating.

21. pool water jets are my root

22. Harry Potter erotica fan fiction…

23. learned thanks to f/f fanfic

24. Probably accidentally at childrens’ gymnastics when we climbed poles

25. I remember being little and climbing up one of those poles in a playground and it feeling really good but not understanding why so i just kept climbing up the pole and sliding back down and later realized i was actually masturbating.

26. I was 15 and I didn’t realise it was a thing until I read it on the PostSecret forums

27. I had no idea how people with vaginas masturbated. I asked a guy friend and he said they stuck two fingers in their vagina. That didn’t do anything for me so I’m like “fuck this” and never tried again. Come one night when I was 21 I had a dream where I came. And that’s how I finally discovered my own clitoris. Sex Ed people.

28. i think i used a tampon? lol.

29. I had to read about it in a book! Probably good ol’ Judy Blume.

30. I was so inexperienced about sex that I broke my own hymen with a tube of toothpaste, trying to masturbate because I thought it was a thing you did. It was… a thing.

31. I surely do not remember, but it was a while ago. My “prefer not to say” answer just means “I don’t remember and I’m amazed that other people can.” You know what first I can’t remember that I’d like to? First pizza. That would be really something.

32. I first masturbated after watching Black Swan because it was the first time I saw it depicted and felt like if Natalie could do it, I could do it. wow, this survey is helping me get some stuff off my chest. you’re welcome.

33. I masturbated to a Girls Gone Wild infomercial on Comedy Central at like 3 in the morning when I was 11. I’m so sorry.

A+ Sex Diary: Masturbation Challenge Accepted

Welcome to A+ Sex Diaries, an A+ feature in which we publish seven days in our sex lives. This week: A single femme trying to get back in touch with herself. Literally. Queer, 31, hailing from the Midwest.

Day One

5:00 a.m.: I’ve been struggling with a low libido lately, for a lot of reasons — I don’t have a romantic partner at the moment, living with roommates leaves me with very little alone time, I’ve been stressed with work, I’m always dealing with depression. Still, I don’t like that I’m losing the parts of myself that are fun, body confident, and sexy. I can feel myself growing more shy and disconnected with my body every day.

I recently spent some time thinking about how to better tap into my body and desires. I’ve heard about “masturbation challenges” in the past, so that’s what I’m going to do! I’ve decided to challenge myself to masturbate at least once a day for the next week.

It’s 5:00 a.m. on the first day of the challenge, and I have a bit of performance anxiety. I woke up to use the bathroom anyway, but decide to spend an hour reading porn before I fall back asleep. I’ve always preferred reading porn to watching it, I feel like it leaves more room for my imagination. I’m not yet ready to masturbate, but hopefully filling my brain with sexy thoughts will help rev up the engine.

11:15 a.m.: My middle of the night porn session totally messed up my body clock! I overslept by hours! My roommates are gone for most of the day today. I want to make the most of it. But first I have to wake up — right now everything’s a sleep fog.

12:38 p.m.: Ok, I’ve also cleaned all my old toys and my hands. I clipped my nails yesterday. It’s time.

I try not to put too much effort or focus on orgasming; I know that a lot sex experts say that focusing on an orgasm will shortchange you from enjoying other parts of your sex experience (the touching, the exploration, the playing, etc.). It also can ramp up your anxiety. Still, when I masturbate and don’t orgasm, it kind of feels like I wasted my time. I know it’s not true, but there’s some ingrained part of me that I can’t shake.

Anyway, I do eventually orgasm, but it takes a lot longer than I would have liked, and I didn’t feel very satisfied. I want to make use of having the entire apartment alone and try again later.

2:23 p.m.: After taking a break for my writing and texting with friends, I’m back at it. I never put back on clothes, I figure getting comfortable with myself naked again is part of this whole project. I’ve gained quite a bit of weight since I last felt sexy. I keep noticing how my belly fits my body in this new, kind of protruding way. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I definitely don’t hate it, but it’s…. different.

When I start masturbating again, I am shocked by how fast I come! It threw me completely off guard! It was fast, and strong, and over before I could adjust to what was happening. It felt getting blindsided by a train. That’s new for me! I wish I had more time to explore or bask in what just happened, but it’s getting late.

I reluctantly get dressed and get about doing my normal Sunday routine — chores, cooking, laundry.

Day Two

8:45 a.m.: Last night I made the effort to put on sleepwear that make me feel confident and sexy. For me, that’s an oversized cut off sweatshirt that flatters my curves and my soft cotton flannel pants. The outfit is a cozy kind of sexy that feels like me. I catch myself in the mirror while finishing my morning routine — I look hot. I don’t feel like having sex with myself yet, but it’s still fun to appreciate my body.

Day Three

10:11 a.m.: I had terrible stomach pains that kept me up all night on Monday. I’ve already dropped the ball and it’s only two days in to my masturbation challenge!

I’m so disappointed! I already have a tendency to be too hard on myself, and this doesn’t help. AT ALL. I wake up Tuesday morning with a slightly better outlook. I can’t control my body or illness. I decide that if I masturbate before getting out of bed, it can technically still count in Monday’s tally.

I stretch out and read some of my favorite erotic fanfic on my iPhone. It involves a threesome of three television characters who have never shared a screen in real life. It takes a while for my mind to focus on the task at hand. My brain keeps wanting to anxiously go over my to-do list for the day, but the story I’m reading helps. By the time the characters reach their grand finale orgasm, I am working towards my own. I’m surprised that I am able to get there using just my fingers. Usually I need some kind of hard friction against my clit (either from a vibrator, or rubbing against a surface or partner) to come. This morning the comparatively gentle stroke of my fingers is enough.

6:00 p.m.: Got home from work and discovered that my new sex toys had been delivered!

Last week, in anticipation of my challenge, I ordered two new toys. The Lelo Gigi 2 is my longest-running, most-trusted vibrator. It was a steadfast companion for most of my 20s, but I lost it over a year ago in a move and I’ve been too cheap to replace it until now. It’s the kind of toy that I can always depend on for a strong orgasm, but $100+ vibrators are not always in my budget. I also treated myself to the Lelo Sona, which is supposed to be Lelo’s answer to the Womanizer or Satisfyer suction-based vibrators that everyone’s been raving about. My understanding about the sonic toys is that they “suck the air around,” rather than rumble directly on, your clitoris? I have no idea, honestly. But I do know that at least four of my friends have sworn that this style of toy has given them near-immediate orgasms. It sounds too good to be true, but their stories definitely piqued my interest. I originally wanted a Satisfyer, but the Sona was on sale.

6:15 p.m.: Go straight to my bedroom to unwrap my new toys like it’s Christmas morning! I’m so giddy. My Gigi is just as beautiful and smooth as I remember it. I delight in the ways it rumbles against the palm of my hand. Also, I can now guess why the Sona was on sale — it’s loud! Almost alarmingly so! I couldn’t get past the lowest setting, just laying it against my hand, before rushing to turn the toy off! This is definitely not roommate-proof. I’ll save it for the next time I’m really alone.

11:48 p.m.: Try as I might, I just can’t seem to get myself into the mood. My intent was there. I did all my usually dependable mood setting tricks. I got naked and enjoyed the feeling of my cotton sheets against my bare skin. I grazed, then pinched and rolled, my nipples. I reminisced about past sex highlights. I simply couldn’t make my body feel aroused. But, I think this still counts as masturbation? Even if it got me nowhere.

Day Four

3:03 p.m.: For the first time in MONTHS I’m spontaneously horny in the middle of the day! Maybe there is something to this masturbation challenge after all. My body is remembering that this side of me feels good, and is starting to crave it. In a major way.

The feeling is getting to the point of distraction, and I know I had extra time alone anyway, so I close my office door, and sneak in a middle of the day quickie. It’s awkward at first. Even though I know I’m safe from being walked in on, the idea of a mid-workday masturbation session is a lot to wrap my head around.

I guess it’s a little sexy in that exhibitionist way? But mostly it feels rushed. Still, 10 minutes later and the orgasm I was previously distracted by has finally arrived. My thoughts feel clearer and more sharp, and I’m ready to tackle the rest of the day.

I clean up a bit in the bathroom. Then I treat myself to a slice of blackberry pound cake and a tall glass of water before getting back to work.

7:35 p.m.: I research “Masturbation Challenges” on my phone while eating my dinner. I come across an old one from Refinery29 and a month-long “Masters of Sex Cure” from Autostraddle⁠.

I started my week long masturbation challenge a bit blindly — I wanted to get myself out of a rut and reconnect with my body. I didn’t think of any specific guidelines other than “masturbate once a day.” It turns out I could have been keeping a journal, focusing on trying out a new technique every day, or filling out reflection worksheets.

WHOOPS! It’s a little late for now, but I bookmark the websites anyway. This challenge has been going pretty well so far — maybe I’ll take some of their advice if I decide to do another week-long masturbation experiment in the future.

Day Five

1:00 a.m.: I finally have the chance to break in my new Gigi. It feels exactly as I remember it. The weight of the toy in my head, the velvet feel of the silicone, it turns me on almost instantly. It’s like getting reacquainted with an old lover. I start with toy buzzing low between my legs while I use a free hand to lightly stroke up and down my arms and breasts. I want to stretch this out before I come.

Day Six

10:45 a.m.: Saw this quote on twitter during my mid-morning break: “My alone feels so good. I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.” It’s from a Warsaw Shire poem.

I smile, “My alone feels so good.” That’s truer this week than it has been in very, very long time.

11:58 p.m.: I’m home, but slightly tipsy from happy hour and dinner with friends. I feel warm underneath my cheeks, a bit giggly and bouncy. In my bed, I decide to go without the toys for the night.

It always takes me longer to orgasm when I’m only using my fingers and the friction of my bed or pillows. I try to focus on enjoying the build up instead of being frustrated by it. I feel more free tonight, more willing to explore and indulge. It’s not the biggest orgasm I’ve had this week, but damn it’s satisfying.

Day Seven

1:14 p.m.: Alone in the apartment for the first time in a week, and I have two goals: First, I want to finally play around with my Lelo Sona. Second, I want to take a long luxurious shower with my lavender scented body scrub and honey-lavender face mask.

It takes a while for me to find the correct fit of the Sona against my clit. The whole process is much more awkward than I anticipated. It involves a lot of me attempting to painfully double myself over so that I can have a better direct view of my clit and place the toy just right on top of it. I think someone who’s more flexible might find this process a bit easier, but I am who I am and this is where we are. I try not to get upset and keep the mood light for myself. After some trial and error, I get the toy just where my body needs it.

I thought I was going to be more bothered by the toy’s noise, given how loud it was when I first unboxed the Sona earlier in the week. Turns out, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about that, because within seconds — literal seconds — of getting the seal just right, I was rocketing towards an orgasm.

I once had a friend who described the Womanizer as “stealing her orgasm” because it felt like she didn’t have a say in it. She just turned it on and then “ZOOM!” The memory makes laugh almost immediately after I come, because I feel exactly the same way.

Being able to have an orgasm that quickly is addictive! Almost as soon as I relax, I’m ready for a second. By 1:30, only 15 minutes after I first laid down, I’ve already had three orgasms.

2:30 p.m.: Fresh from my shower, my skin smells like lavender and is sooooo soft! I can’t stop touching my arms, my legs, the round swell of my stomach. I feel delicious. I put on my softest robe and settle into my face mask while I catch up with old Riverdale episodes.

Mutual Masturbation Is a Very Underrated Lesbian Sex Act and You Can Too

Mutual masturbation is often proposed by sexperts as a method for cishet women and men to “close the orgasm gap” — they suggest that if men could take a minute to watch their betrothed female get herself off, said man might learn something, like how he himself could potentially slam her clam all the way to climax some day. Or else we’re first exposed to mutual masturbation in a furtive, bittersweet movie or TV scene — two characters, somehow repressed or shamed or prohibited from touching each other or experiencing unbridled desire, resort to touching themselves, together, and neither person can articulate their feelings but that’s actually fine because everything is very clear, albeit unspoken. (Full disclosure: I do love those movie scenes.) Finally, mutual masturbation is often represented in stories about orgasmic meditation societies/cults, which I can only assume is completely legit.

But! Mutual masturbation can absolutely exist outside of those paradigms and be very fun as well as being chock-full of every lesbian’s #1 kink: communication. Plus it’s a stellar solution to so many of life’s torrid sexual situations.

What Is Mutual Masturbation?

Simply put, it is everybody involved in a sexual encounter stimulating their own genitals. Some would limit the definition to stimulation with your hand or a toy, others count grinding on a partner as masturbation. Mutual masturbation can involve more than just genital stimulation — dirty talk is a big side dish, and so is using your other hand or your mouth to interact with your partner’s other erogenous zones while manipulating your own mango.

“I think when people think of mutual masturbation, often the first thing that pops into their imagination is an image of two people touching themselves while laying down on their backs and staring at each other’s faces,” says Sam*, a genderqueer homosexual. They’re right, of course — although what Sam described is exactly what does indeed rock so many boats, there’s so many more ways to do it than just that!

It’s Okay To Feel Intimidated By This Concept

On our 2015 Lesbian Sex Survey, 75% of respondents were interested in watching their partner masturbate, but only 49.5% were in favor of being watched. Masturbating in front of someone else can make you feel really vulnerable, or like you’re bringing something deeply private into the light. Or maybe it just feels too much like a pornographic performance.

If you’re nervous about all that but still wanna give it a go — do it with the lights off, or dimmed. In fact, you may prefer to always do your synchronized stroking in the dark, regardless of comfort level with the practice overall. Darkness can enable you to really commit to a fantasy and can often help ease self-consciousness. Or you can try it with the covers on, or your underwear on, or with your partner agreeing not to look directly at the sun. Try it on the phone first, and in person later.

As for initiating the encounter, “Can I watch you get yourself off?” or “I wanna see how you touch yourself” are pretty direct intentions. There’s also the option of blushing really hard, saying “what if we masturbated together” super-fast, and then burying your face in a pillow. Alternately, you can cover the topic by filling out this worksheet with your partner that should truly be a legit pre-req for any sexual relationship you ever have, and, if interest is expressed, talk about it.

Mutual Masturbation Is Not Failing at Sex… In Fact, Some Might Call It “Sex”

“If we weren’t so insecure about our abilities as lovers, it wouldn’t matter so much who’s finger was on who’s clit,” wrote Pat Califia in the seminal lesbian sex manual Sapphistry: The Book of Lesbian Sexuality. “Watching a lover excite herself can be very arousing. Her vulnerability and her trust in you can contribute to the turn-on. It doesn’t mean you are an inadequate lover. It means you are accepting and open to exploring new erotic avenues.”

In fact, on our 2015 Lesbian Sex Survey, 66% of respondents said they considered mutual masturbation to actually be sex. Whether or not it “counts” as sex specifically isn’t the point though — the point is that it is a bona-fide sexual activity, not a sexual cop-out, and there are all kinds of reasons why you might want to try it.

Why You Might Try Mutual Masturbation:

To Better Understand What Turns Your Partner On

It might seem like two people jerking off together couldn’t possibly be as intimate as sex, but it truly can be. “Watching my first girlfriend masturbate was honestly one of the most mind blowing sex things I’ve ever done,” says Anne*, a 31-year-old bisexual femme. “The experience was incredibly intimate, and the knowledge I gained from watching her touch herself was basically a fast pass to orgasms. We only did it once, but it informed every time I slept with her after that, and the technique I learned from her is still how I masturbate to this day. I cannot recommend this enough.”

Even if you’re not staring directly into your lover’s abyss or otherwise-identified genitalia, you can get the general gist of things with respect to speed, pressure and attention paid to outside parts vs. inside parts.

Because You Can’t Come, But Want To

Maybe she says her jaw isn’t tired but you’re 100% sure that her jaw is very tired because it’s been 45 minutes and you’ve gotten to the edge of coming so many times without actually coming that you’re officially psyched out beyond redemption. Meanwhile, she’s wet as a summer storm. This can be a good time to just call it off and do a little handiwork as a team!

Orgasms should never feel like a necessary component to a sexual encounter, but if you want to have one and you can’t, doing it your own self is right there for the taking. If you’re somebody who has a hard time reaching orgasm with a partner, even just being aware that finishing yourself off is an option can relieve a lot of pressure.

If you and your partner want to come at the same time, having total control over your own situation makes it a lot easier to coordinate a simultaneous orgasm.

To Explore Fantasies

Sometimes mutual masturbation is basically just PHONE SEX: LIVE which can basically be SEXTING: OUT LOUD AND WITHIN A VERY CONCENTRATED PERIOD OF TIME. “A love of mutual masturbation is clutch in long distance relationships,” says Frances*, a non-binary person in their twenties. Mutual masturbation can take that dirty talk right out of your head and into the damp, sweaty, oversexed air between you and your partner. While you’re riding your own melt, you can try narrating what you’d be doing if you were really engaged with each other or do some fantasy role-play.

For an Orgasm-Focused Quickie

Just being totally hypothetical here — you and your girlfriend are in a parking garage after an unexpectedly erotically charged visit to an art museum and you’ve got maybe fifteen minutes to drive to the restaurant where you’re meeting up with the people you were just at the museum with. You want to have sex but there’s no time or space or privacy to do so, so you try straddling and grinding but you’re very conscious of the people walking by, and you try having her hand down your pants but your pants are really tight and you know what, what if we just took care of ourselves while talking about what we’d like to be doing instead! Problem solved.

Because You’re Tired

“When one of you feels like having sex and the other one is too tired or not in the mood, suggest that you share masturbation,” suggests Califia in Lesbian Sapphistry, “You can hold your friend, caress her, or simply be with her as she pleasures herself.”

In addition to being a nice clutch for exhausting evenings, masturbation can also be a sleep aid. “My girlfriend has really bad insomnia,” says Ariel*, a lesbian in her mid-thirties. “When she was alone, before we started spending most nights together, she’d just make herself come in order to fall asleep. She was very excited to hear that I’d be down to take part in this and it’s become a huge part of our sex life now! We’re often way too tired on weeknights to have sex with each other, and masturbating together has led to us exploring some really intense fantasies through dirty talk that I don’t think we would’ve talked about otherwise.”

You Don’t Want To Be Touched

Sam reports that “mutual masturbation can be SO fun and SO kinky and has also been helpful to me as a person who doesn’t always want their body touched by a date/hookup.” There are so many reasons why a person might not want anybody else’s hands or mouth on their genitals — you’re on your period, you have dysphoric or otherwise complicated gender feelings, you’re dealing with trauma, you have a yeast infection or BV, you haven’t showered in five days — but you still might want to get off. Sam continues, “Getting off during sex/a scene is important to me and it’s nice to know that I can still get off even if I don’t want to be touched a certain way or take off certain clothes and it’s still sexy to everyone involved.”

You’re In a Jail Cell Overnight With Your Carpenter and You Really Want to F*ck Her But You Can’t Because You’re In a Monogamous Relationship With Tina

[It still counts as cheating though, Bette.]

Masturbating Together Is a Wonderland of Possibilities

“Masturbating isn’t just your hand on your junk,” Sam says. “I think the best tip I’d have when it comes to masturbating mutually with someone is to incorporate the rest of your bodies.” The means and methods of mutual masturbation are, indeed, endless. You can grind against the bed or your partner while they fuck themselves. You can incorporate toys like vibrators. You can climb on top of somebody and masturbate over them while they touch themselves.

You can experiment with power-play either long-distance or in the same room. Sam suggests, “directing how someone is masturbating — legs on the wall, touch yourself slower, do this/that etc. etc.”

On our sex survey, “mutual masturbation” came up a lot as a “favorite sex act.” Some shared specifics, which included:

• I am never not in the mood for mutual masturbation .
• Being read kinky erotica by my partner while masturbating
• I could never give up sitting on their face while they masturbate , with lots of slapping and grabbing tits and ass.
• Mutual masturbation with lots of physical closeness, dirty talk and eye contact.
• I love being rimmed (anus licked) by my partner while I play with myself (masturbate my clitoris).
• Mutual masturbation with nipple play
• My partner masturbating and being unable to touch her
• Kissing, mutual masturbation at the same time

In conclusion, you don’t need to join a cult to start masturbating with other people. Go for it!

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities. Employment of the term “lesbian sex” in this post uses “lesbian” as an adjective to describe sex between two women or people who identify with that experience, regardless of the sexual orientation of the two people involved.

Sex ed almost never includes queer women or our experiences, so we’re exploring pleasure, safety, relationships and more to make that information more accessible. A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines.

Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!