Boobs(s On Your) Tube: Caitlyn Jenner Attends Pride, Canada Adds Another Queer Character and More
It’s the slowest time of the TV year, that weird lull between summer television and fall television, when everything is winding down and everything else is gearing up. Before fall TV kicks off in earnest, Autostraddle CEO/Editor-in-Chief, Riese, is going to do her annual Queer Lady Teevee Viewing Guide. Until then, here’s what happened on what’s left on the summertime boob(s) tube.
Chasing Life
Mondays on ABC Family at 9:00 p.m.
I was wrong last week when I told you Chasing Life had aired its midseason finale; there are still six more episodes left! However, we already talked about what happened last Monday night, so we won’t be able to discuss tonight’s episode until the next Boob(s On Your) Tube column.
Clipped
Tuesdays on TBS at 10:00 p.m.
Wellll, Clipped‘s first season has now come and gone and Charmaine didn’t reveal her queerness, after all. Such a shame.
Scream
Tuesdays on MTV at 10:00 p.m.
I really pushed my luck watching Scream as long as I did. As I mentioned last week, Will go sawed right the fuck in half and it made me feel sick for two days. This week opened with a flashback of that thing and so now I can never watch it again. I can, however, tell you that Audrey survived the penultimate episode of season one! Next week, we’ll find out whether or not she’s immortal and/or the serial killer who has offed half the students in her school. Maybe also she’ll kiss Emma? I’m pushing my luck even wishing for that.
Rookie Blue
Thursdays on ABC at 10:00 p.m.
One thing I promised myself this year is that I would watch Rookie Blue with the American audience and not, um, obtain episodes as they aired in real-time in Canada. It hasn’t been a problem — until this week! Because holy bananas, y’all, there’s a new detective in town, a Homicide one, named Detective Anderson, and she kind of hates Gail but also she is gay! She just comes right out and says it when she’s accosting Gail about her brother, Steve, getting tossed into the slammer jammer for being a bad cop. Like, “Oh, he wanted to hook us up one time, but I’m glad that didn’t pan out since your family’s legacy is dirty cops.”
That’s the only thing that happens this week. Gail’s face is like EXCUSE ME. And my face also is like EXCUSE ME.
It turns into a thing, though, in the coming weeks. It’s like watching Pride and Prejudice only it’s Canadian cops and they’re both Mr. Darcy.
Defiance
Fridays on Syfy at 8:00 p.m.
Yewll! Yewll! Yewll! Yewll! With one episode to go in Defiance‘s third (and probably final) season left, Doc Yewll gets her bad self un-brainwashed, breaks out of Omec jail with Datak Tarr, chews bubblegum, gets a gun, and says the words: “Looks like mama got her groove back.”
Stahma also got her groove back, a little bit. She did some manipulating, some conniving. She’s still not her old self, not close, and probably we will never witness that old self again, but it’s good to see Jaime Murray getting to do something before the series end.
Next week is the finale. The Big Omec Showdown.
Oh, also Nolan and Amanda finally Zzzzzzz.
Whoops, sorry, dozed off.
Nolan and Amanda finally Zzzzzzz.
Dang, come on. Kissed. Nolan and Amanda finally kissed.
(ZZZZzzzzzzz.)
Hannibal
Saturdays on NBC at 10:00 p.m.
Next week is the series finale of Hannibal, a thing Margot will be returning for, which means probably her or Alana or both of them are going to get serial killed. This week Hannibal ate a pair of lips in front of Alana to prepare her for the doom. The Red Dragon mailed them in an envelope and I guess “loose human lips” are not a thing that show up on the X-Ray machine because the couriers at the asylum just gave the package to Hannibal and there were lips inside and he chomped right down on them in Alana’s face.
Thank God I have a girlfriend who watches this show and explains it to me. I would be vomiting for days.
I Am Cait
Sundays on E! at 8:00 p.m.
https://instagram.com/p/4fIHySyb3z/
The biggest surprise of the summer is how many real, earnest, truly moved tears I have cried over I Am Cait, which, despite its detour into Karsashianville last week, has actually served as a sort of mini-documentary to educate the world about trans people as Caitlyn Jenner learns so much about the trans community herself. This week, Candis Cayne challenged Caitlyn to start using the word “we” instead of “them” when referring to the LGBT community, and also to get more involved. Caitlyn was worried that her appearance at events like Trans Pride Los Angeles or Gay Pride NYC was going to cause a media circus, and also she was afraid that the queer community, at large, was going to have a hard time accepting her being there.
Before she headed out to NYC, she met up with two of her dude buddies who hadn’t seen her since she began her transition, and they were both a little uneducated about trans issues but also so warm and welcoming to her. One of the most moving moments was when her friend Sergio told her he’d already changed her name in his phone, before she even called to hang out with him.
Caitlyn also met with GLAAD to discuss her fears, and they told her to use the media circus she was afraid of to spotlight all the hardships facing trans women in America today, and of course, that’s exactly what she’s using this show to do.
At Candis’ performance at NY Pride, Caitlyn was so nervous to go out and meet the crowd, but as soon as they saw her, they started chanting her name and cheering and waving, and she was just so overwhelmed. Candis introduced her, and the crowd began cheering and filming her with their phones as she stood up, and filmed them right back.
The episode closed with Caitlyn meeting some Broadway starts, doing a Rockettes dance with them, and voicing over how the response to her coming out as trans has been bigger than even her huge Olympic fame, while walking outside to a jam-packed Times Square and driving away with her trans friends as people line the sidewalk and called her name.
Carmilla
Because there are so many TV shows with queer women in them these days, it’s almost impossible to also keep up with any web series, unless the web series you’re talking about is Carmilla. For those of you not in the know, Carmilla is very loosely based on the Sheridan Le Fanu novel and is probably the queerest web series in the history of the internet, and one of the more diverse ones. The main protagonist, Laura Hollis, is a student at Silas University, a place with more Magical Beasts than Hogwarts, and her roommate is Carmilla Karnstein, a — spoiler alert! — full-on vampire.
Season one revolves around Laura and her friends’ quest to find out why girls keep disappearing from Silas. (The reason girls keep disappearing from Silas is Carmilla kidnaps virgins for her mom, who, it turns out, is the Dean of the university.) Also, season one revolves around Laura and Carmilla finally realizing they’re in big gay love with each other.
Season two follows the story of Laura and Carmilla moving into her mom’s old Victorian mansion with their friends and the rest of the student body dealing with the fact that the school is super duper supernatural. Carmilla’s sister, Mattie, shows up and is AWWWEEESOME in every Slytherin way. She’s on the Silas Board of Trustees. We’re 24 episodes into the 36-episode season and so far Carmilla and Laura have broken up, despite still being in big gay love with each other; a group of students has formed a basically fascist vigilante enforcer group to eradicate all non-humans from the campus; Carmilla and Mattie have waged open warfare on the human population; and Carmilla and Laura have stared longingly at each other and cried and talked about how they’re sacred to each other and miss each other like holes ripped inside their bodies. It’s so campy. It hurts SO GOOD.
Get caught up and we’ll get into the nitty gritty next week!
Team TV coverage you may have missed
Have Mercy: Stef And Gabby Liveblog The Full House Lifetime Movie
The plot of this film seems to be the struggle of three white male actors who feel like the world owes them a big break. We’d rather watch Jodie Sweetin learn to add and subtract.
Kristen Kish and Her Perfect Hair Jet-Set Around the World in “36 Hours”
The best part of the show is watching Kristen gush over food. Seriously, I will tune in just to hear her talk about food. Also, to gaze upon her hair.
Boob(s On Your) Tube: “Chasing Life” Is the Bisexual Representation You’ve Been Looking For On TV
It’s been exactly one week since the Pretty Little Liars season 6A finale, and I feel like I have lived four TV lifetimes between then and now. It’s exciting that the conversation is still going strong because general pop culture caring about trans representation on TV is a brand new thing, but it’s still disheartening and scary too.
Other shows are drawing near the end of their summer seasons, too. Chasing Life and The Fosters finished up last night. Complications aired its finale last Thursday. We’ve got two more episodes of Defiance and Scream to go, though, and here’s hoping Yewll and Audrey make it out alive.
Next week, I’ll give you a run down of all the queer characters you can expect to see on your teevees this fall. Until then, here’s what the end of summer looks like.
The Fosters
Mondays on ABC Family at 8:00 p.m.
Stef and Lena are okay! I repeat: STEF AND LENA ARE OKAY! After a very, very tough summer season during which our favorite lesbian moms put each other through some unfair (but true to married life) shit, the truth about Monty kissing Lena finally came out. It happened because Stef’s best friend started dating Monty and walked in on Monty being in love with Lena at a cabin in the woods where the couples agreed to go for a weekend getaway. Monty confessed that yes, any queer person with eyeballs and a functioning brain and heart would be helplessly in love with Lena Adams Foster, and so Stef’s best friend told that to her and also the thing about the kiss.
Last night, Stef had a breast cancer scare! She didn’t even tell Lena about it because she was mad at her and didn’t want to need her and wanted to keep something from her the way Lena kept the Monty thing from Stef — but the truth came out at a backyard party, like it always does. It was an imaging glitch. Stef is okay. But the fact of the scare sent Lena barreling into Stef’s arms, shivering and terrified. They forgave each other. They danced. They pressed their faces together and loved each other in their kitchen, while all their kids (including new Jesus) did their drama around them.
In other stories, Jude continued to prove he is ten times the man Brandon will ever be because he exercised self control and did the best thing for the person he loves, even though he broke his own heart in the process. After Connor’s dad caught them making out and flipped out, Connor decided he wanted to go live with his mom in Los Angeles, and Jude gave him his blessing on account of THEY’RE IN REAL LOVE. They said so out loud with their mouths.
Plus also, you’re not even going to believe what I’m about to tell you: Callie finally got adopted! #OfficiallyAFoster
Chasing Life
Mondays on ABC Family at 9:00 p.m.
Chasing Life has blown me away with the way it has embraced Brenna’s bisexuality. When she made out with Greer last season, I thought it was just the ABC Family way, and while I was happy being pandered to, as I always am, I didn’t think it would amount to much. Well, ha ha ha! Joke’s on me! Brenna and Greer fell in love and enjoyed a real, organic relationship with each other before Greer moved away. During the Christmas episode, Brenna came out as bi, actually said the word “bisexual” out loud on TV, and made absolutely no apologies for it. She has been into guys on screen and she has been into girls on screen.
Last night, Brenna joined the queer kids at her new school in their Lesbian & Gay Support Group, and it was not what she expected at all. There’s a gay male couple, an asexual teen, a lesbian of color, and all of that seemed fantastic. Like Fosters fantastic. But then everyone started clowning on her for being bisexual.
Mariah: Wait, you’re bi?
Brenna: [Nods]
Gay guy: Yeah, I did that too, but I see it now. That’s sexy.
Mariah: You know, I could never date a bi girl. You’ve got to be pretty secure yourself to be with someone who’s attracted to the entire population.
Brenna: Oh my god, Mariah, it’s not like I’m into everyone I walk by.
Gay guy: Oh, babe, you don’t get it. The bisexual thing is so tricky because if you can change your mind every day about who you’re attracted to, it makes it sound like being gay is a choice.
Other gay guy: So is your guy type really feminine, or…?
Brenna: Okay, I’m not changing my mind. I’m just attracted to the person for who they are; not their gender.
Mariah: That’s exactly what my ex said before leaving me for a dude.
Gay guy: My theory is that bi guys are always actually gay and bi girls are always actually straight.
Brenna: I’m not straight! I mean, the last two people I dated were girls, so.
Mariah: Maybe you’re just gay.
What’s excellent about this is that Brenna is the sympathetic character here (and always), and is so beloved by fans of the show, so these people throwing all this trite bigoted bullshit at her are presented as jerks. None of these stereotypes are played for laughs. It looks like Brenna is going to abandon the group altogether, and who could blame her? But she goes back and trades shade-for-shade, defending bisexuality in a way that’s never been done on ABC Family and has only very, very rarely been done on TV in general.
Gay guy: I didn’t think you were coming back.
Brenna: I didn’t either, but I changed my mind! Just like I change my mind every day about who I’m attracted to! Hey, Mariah, I was wondering: What made you a lesbian?
Mariah: I was born this way.
Brenna: So when you’re with a girl, who’s the boy in the relationship?
Mariah: No one. There is no boy.
Brenna: [To the gay guys] But Andrew’s the girl between the two of you, right?
Andrew: No! There’s not a heteronormative dynamic in all relationships.
Brenna: Oh, there’s not? That’s just a stereotype?
They get it. And they’re sorry. Brenna is right now and always.
Legit bisexual representation on a teenage TV show? What a time to be alive!
Scream
Tuesdays on MTV at 10:00 p.m.
Welp, Audrey got one step closer to getting Emma to be in a Big Gay Relationship with her her due to the competition being eliminated. Emma’s boyfriend, Will, got chopped in literal half after Emma found him in a field attached to a saw and went running for him and tripped a wire and watched as he was sawed in actual half. Emma herself was almost killed to death when she was investigating an abandoned bowling alley with her friends earlier in the episode, but she survived to accidentally maul her boyfriend. Audrey’s alibi? She was taking a makeup test the whole entire time.
Complications
Thursdays on USA at 9:00 p.m.
Complications exceeded my expectations so much, y’all. I know it’s because White Collar promised that CIA Junior Agent Diana Barrigan would be who Gretchen actually is and didn’t deliver, and so the bar was pretty low, but still! A lesbian character of color is the main hero of the show because of her hard-assness but also her compassion? Check. Her queerness is an important part of who she is, but it’s not the main thing about her? Check. She makes it out alive despite the fact that everyone is getting shot all the time? Check. She actually threw herself on top of a guy this week to keep the a bad cop from shooting him and lived to tell the tale! I can’t explain the finale to you if you didn’t watch the show. Gretchen won, is all you really need to know.
Rookie Blue
Thursdays on ABC at 10:00 p.m.
Gail busted a dirty cop named Santana on this week’s Rookie Blue. It was pretty boring police procedural stuff. I wish she’d been making out with Santana Lopez instead. Just kidding! Those two would kill each other!
Defiance
Fridays on Syfy at 8:00 p.m.
Sigh. This season of Defiance continues to disappoint me. It’s not offensive. I mean, it’s not offensive in terms of queer content. It’s offensive to me, personally, because it’s boring. This week, Doc Yewll helped Kindzi round up all the dudes in town and stick them in cages to prepare for the coming Omec invasion. This included Yewll’s BFF, Datak Tarr, who, along with Stahma, have been wholly underused this summer, which is a large part of the reason this season kinda sucks. Also, Yewll helped Kindzi literally eat her dad to death. It wasn’t as gross as Will getting chopped in half on Scream, but it was disgusting.
On the upside, Berlin returned from her brief hiatus in 90210, and thank the gods because I was starting to believe she and Irisa weren’t in real true forever love. Now I remember that they totally are.
Hannibal
Saturdays on NBC at 10:00 p.m.
It looks like Alana has finally pushed Hannibal to the point of murdering her (but only because he pushed her first!). She threatened to take away all his nice shit if he didn’t cooperate with her and the police, and this week she discovered that he’d been having long, leisurely phone conversations with a serial killer called the Red Dragon. She told him he was going to help them catch this fucker, or else. He chose: or else! And so Alana removed all his nice things like his smoking jacket and books and record player and also apparently his toilet. And then had him wrapped up to look like the movie. Good night, sweet princess!
I Am Cait
Sundays on E! at 8:00 p.m.
This week on I Am Cait, I was exposed to the fullness of the Kardashians for the first time. (This is the only Kardashian show I’ve ever watched.) It was kind of jarring.
Kim Kardashian shows up to talk to Caitlyn about how everyone in the family is pissed off at her for some things she said in her Vanity Fair interview, most notably Kris Jenner because of how Caitlyn said if Kris had been more supportive they’d still be together. Also Khloe is upset, I think, because Caitlyn said something disparaging about her husband? I don’t know the family tree; it was hard for me to follow. Kim’s suggestion for making up with Kris was to tweet an apology. Khloe’s suggestion for Caitlyn feeling less isolated from her family — because, as Caitlyn repeatedly says, none of her children have come to visit her since she came out and began her transition — was group texting.
I’ll tell you what really got to me, though: Number one) Kim dropped Caitlyn’s birth name like NBD, all, “You still have some of [birth name] in you; I thought Caitlyn would be a little nicer.” And when Caitlyn went to visit Chloe, she talked about all the stuff she’s learning.
Caitlyn: So much of it is so scary. Homelessness, people on the street—
Khloe: Aw, that’s not good.
Aw, that’s not good?! It’s a tiny bit more than “not good,” Khloe Kardashian.
And then Khloe just wanted to talk about herself.
I’m not cut out for actual reality TV. I liked the parts of the episode where Caitlyn had dinner with Jen Richards, Kate Bornstein, and Candis Cayne and talked about how more mainstream portions of the queer community often prioritize the political and social needs of the trans community way way way behind the needs of rich white gay guys. It’s an important conversation and particularly interesting as we consider how much trans erasure we’re seeing in the new Stonewall movie.
Team TV coverage you may have missed
+ Pretty Little Liars Episode 610 Recap: I Feel A Lot Safer When I’m In Charge Of What Happens to Me
We finally learn who A is.
+ “Faking It” Returns August 31st: 10 Things To Expect From Season 2B
Everybody is still lying, just about different stuff. (Also: SPOILER ALERT)
+ Orange is The New Black Episode 310 Recap: There Is A Monster At The End Of This Book
In which things start falling apart.
I know I promised to fold Carmilla into this column, and I will start that next week!
Boob(s On Your) Tube: Are Stef And Lena Going to Be Okay On “The Fosters”?
This time tomorrow, we will finally know who A is on Pretty Little Liars and I can hardly concentrate on anything else. Here are some other queer things that are happening on TV, though!
The Fosters
Mondays on ABC Family at 8:00 p.m.
We’re not going to egg Donald Trump’s house, Callie. That would be classless.
Stef and Lena are scaring me, y’all. They’re supposed to be the steady sun around which all these dramatic little teenage planets orbit, but they are falling apart! Stef can’t go to therapy until Callie gets adopted, and the chances of that happening are about as likely as me getting a pet Hippogriff. This week, after Stef shelved therapy, Lena made the HORRIFIC mistake of talking to Monty about how unhappy she is in her marriage. You do not talk to the woman who kissed you because she’s in love with you about the problems in your marriage! You do not do that, not now or ever! And when Lena went home to try to tell Stef her worries, Stef was busy accidentally flirting with the new lesbian plumber and watching and rewatching the surveillance footage from Jesus and Mariana’s car accident. Lena wanted to process, but Stef squeezed her shoulder and told her everything is okay.
It is not okay. :(
Chasing Life
Mondays on ABC Family at 9:00 p.m.
Gal Pal Week
Remember how I told you Brenna met a boy named Finn at her new school, and he has cancer, and she doesn’t know it but he’s totally going to be getting saved from her anonymous bone marrow and they’re going to fall in love? That’s still happening, but in the meantime, Ford and Brenna kissed right on the lips. They did it because they were hanging out with Finn and he can’t kiss either of them because he can’t risk getting their germs on him, so they kissed each other instead. Ford says she’s not into women sexualizing themselves for the male gaze, but you know she’s always wondered what it would be like to smooch on Brenna. And now she knows!
Clipped
Tuesdays on TBS at 10:00 p.m.
Only two episodes left and still no queer storylines for Charmaine. #Dang
Scream
Tuesdays on MTV at 10:00 p.m.
For the last time, I don’t know who A is! Now can I please take my clue parrot and go??
Audrey was called in for questioning by the police on this week’s Scream. They’re working with a theory that she and Rachel killed Nina and Tyler because they’re the worst (Nina and Tyler, not Audrey and Rachel), and then Audrey killed Rachel (after making out with her face on camera) to make sure she didn’t dime Audrey out. One small problem is that there’s this video of Audrey raging out and threatening to murder Nina and chop her into tiny pieces and feed her to some ducks or something. So Audrey calls her pre-girlfriend, Emma, and asks her to please break into her house and find the SD card from the night Nina died and smash it with a hammer.
Emma does this. Well, she breaks into the house. She does not smash the SD card. She watches it and then thinks about how it’s terrifying that A hasn’t called her since Audrey’s been in jail. But then she realizes she loves Emma like lesbians do and there’s no way all this evidence means anything this early in the season, so she gives Audrey and alibi and a hug and promises her everything’s going to be okay — until they probably also die.
Complications
Thursdays on USA at 9:00 p.m.
Batwoman? No, never heard of her. Why do you ask?
There’s only one more episode of Complications left before the season finale, and Gretchen has firmly taken root as my favorite new lesbian TV character of the summer. This week, her sister — Ingrid, the one from rehab — gets kicked out of rehab because she let a recovering buddy crash on her couch. Gretchen can’t be mad about it because Jed is strung out on her couch while she’s on the phone with her sister. Ingrid comes on over and agrees to take care of Jed and not take any of the pills Gretchen leaves behind, and she follows through on her promise. Sister stories. I love sister stories.
In her work life, Gretchen accompanies John to prison to talk to the gang leader who’s been keeping his thumb on John all season. On the way there, Gretchen opens up to John a little and explains that she grew up in the rougher part of town with some shitty foster parents, so that’s how come she knows you have to work outside the system sometimes to be a real hero, and also why she can’t stop saving everyone and everything.
Rookie Blue
Thursdays on ABC at 10:00 p.m.
Not much Gail to report on this week’s Rookie Blue, just normal police procedural stuff and no lesbianing.
Defiance
Fridays on Syfy at 8:00 p.m.
Blarg, the queerness on this show has almost disappeared completely, and without it, Defiance just isn’t worth it anymore. Queerness was so woven into the fabric of the town in the first season it felt revolutionary watching it. Now it’s just another low budget sci-fi first-person shooter tie-in. Brainwashed Doc Yewll helped Kindzi beat up her dad and begin her own personal mission for global domination this week. It should have been awesome. It was just whatever.
I Am Cait
Sundays on E! at 8:00 p.m.
I wonder if Kanye would play in a roller derby league with me.
This show continues to blow my mind in the best way. This week’s episode picks up where last week’s left off, with Caitlyn talking to a group of trans women at the San Francisco Human Rights Campaign’s office. She is shocked and visibly shaken to hear stories about so much violence and discrimination perpetrated against these women. In an overwhelmed monologue, she cries and says she had no idea how much privilege she enjoyed. She also asked a producer to please help her get on Ellen to give a scholarship to one of the trans women she met, Blossom, who cannot get into nursing school because she’s trans.
She goes skating with her new friends and motorcycle-riding, where Candis Cayne teaches everyone the perfect hair flip. Over dinner, the women talk about who they’re attracted to. Caitlyn says she’s never been with a man, but is interested in it. She says she has bigger problems to worry about right now than an orgasm. Just a gentle reminder on E! that gender identity and sexuality are two separate things, NBD.
Last week, Jenny asked her if she’d gone swimming in her own bathing suit yet, and she said no. So this week, she decides to join her friends in the pool. She says she’s as nervous as she can be, but ultimately finds it very freeing.
Are you watching this yet? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Team TV coverage you may have missed
Orange is The New Black Episode 310 Recap: There Is A Monster At The End Of This Book
In which things start falling apart.
Pretty Little Liars Episode 609 Recap: Drunk In Love
Pretty Little Prom is a Pretty Little Disaster.
The 10 Best Gal Pals In TV History
It’s Gal Pal Week on Autostraddle.com! Let’s kick it off by counting down television friendships we adore!
Boob(s On Your) Tube: Welcome To The Queerest Week In TV History
Last week was a revolutionary week for queer women on TV! We saw more queer women in a seven-day span than any other week in television history, including The L Word‘s run on Showtime — and all of the women were on broadcast networks and basic cable. Caitlyn Jenner‘s new docu-series, I Am Cait, premiered last night to stellar ratings and became the number one trending topic on Twitter within just a few minutes its start time. I Am Jazz landed on TLC with really good feedback from the internet. Janet Mock tag-teamed with Melissa Harris-Perry yesterday to center the discussion of I Am Cait around the epidemic of violence against trans women of color. And the co-executive producer of Steven Universe confirmed what Mey’s been telling you all along.
@xavfucker by human standards & terminology that would be a fair assessment!
— ianjq (@ianjq) July 20, 2015
What a time to be alive! Let’s talk out the week in queer television.
The Fosters
Mondays on ABC Family at 8:00 p.m.
Hello, we’re Mariana’s lesbian moms. We also eat shrimps.
The Fosters got back to what it does best last week: Making Stef and Lena the unshakable sun that all the hyper-dramatic little teenage planets in their house orbit around.
It starts with the revelation that Mariana is going to be Ana’s baby’s godmother. Everyone’s pretty psyched about that — until they realize Mariana is also going to be baptized in the Catholic church. Stef has a long, troubled history with the church because of how her dad’s religious-based homophobia kept him from even attending her and Lena’s wedding. So, about three nanoseconds after Mariana says the thing about the baptism, Stef straight up tells her no. Absolutely not. Not even a little bit.
Mariana asks them what they believe, God-wise, and they say they believe in a higher power that exists in all things and coaxes us toward enlightenment and love and doing good. And then they march on over to the Gutierrez’s bakery and ask them to please stop brainwashing their daughter with all this talk of hell. Grandpa Gutierrez says he’s not trying to scare her with hell or anything like that; he just wants to make sure she’s baptized so she doesn’t end up in endless purgatory, separated from God and her family after she’s dead. Which is different because one is like just a bedroom and the other is Bowser’s Castle, I think.
Stef and Lena decide to let Mariana go through with getting baptized — they even get her and her new goddaughter matching necklaces — but after Mariana talks to the priest, she decides she doesn’t want to do it after all. It’s because the priest says the church will accept her moms the way they accept all sinners. She’s not into that tolerance doublespeak; she’s into full acceptance.
When Ana reveals at the end of the episode that she doesn’t feel a connection with her new baby, the same way she didn’t feel connected to Mariana or Jesus, Grandpa and Grandma Gutierrez are super annoyed, but Lena’s like, “Um, hello, that is postpartum depression, judgey judgers! She needs therapy and meds!” (And, in fact, self-medicating is maybe why Ana became an addict in the first place.) After which conversation Lena realizes that she’s probably been suffering from the same thing ever since she lost her baby, and she just hasn’t known how to talk about it. Stef pulls her close and kisses her face and tells her she’s going to be with her though this thing and everything always, no matter what.
Also, Callie is maybe not getting adopted again.
And, after getting his former pianist exiled to the sea, another composer steals Brandon’s idea at music camp. He tries to drop some sick burns on the music thief, but it is the most embarrassing thing I have ever seen and I can’t even talk about it.
Chasing Life
Mondays on ABC Family at 9:00 p.m.
This is worse than trying to make fetch happen.
Brenna made her move on her new film club instructor, Margo, this week. It was her last day at her old school — she’s moving to a different district so April can get better treatment at a different place — and so she took a moment to lean on in and smooch her smoochies right on Margo’s smoocher. Unlike a Rosewood adult, Margo’s response was to launch herself backwards out of the situation and explain that even though she’s not Brenna’s authority figure, she’s definitely 22 while Brenna is only 17.
Brenna goes home and broods about it and thinks about returning an email from Greer, but has to do wedding hijinks and stuff with her sisters first. And then she has to break into the school to steal back the wedding invitations she left there. After some deep bonding with April and Natalie, which includes hearing their stories of chasing after older lifeguards and TAs, she decides she can weather the embarrassment of having made a move on Margo. She asks for her help finishing her film project before she leaves.
During which Margo kisses her!
Next week, Margo’s alcoholic ex-girlfriend comes to town and she is Leisha Hailey.
Yes, I did kill Jenny. You mad?
Clipped
Tuesdays on TBS at 10:00 p.m.
CHARMAINE, WHERE IS YOUR QUEERNESS? WHEN WILL IT BE EXPLORED?
Besides this, I mean.
I gotta bounce. I can’t be late for Club Deer.
Scream
Tuesdays on MTV at 10:00 p.m.
GOD I HATE EZRA FITZ SO MUCH
Noah’s having a really hard time with Riley getting killed, so Audrey tries to comfort him by visiting him in the video game store where he spends all his time and suggesting they tag-team for some vigilante justice. Code names: Bi-curious and the Virgin. This doesn’t cheer him up at all, so Emma decides to start crime-fighting with a new partner, her former best friend(/lover?), Emma, who has her dad’s old year book, which used to include a photo of Brandon James’s victims. (He’s the serial killer who murdered everyone before this show started.) Emma’s dad used to be one of the guys pictured, but now there’s just a scribble that says, “The truth lies where the mask was made.”
Apparently that place is in an abandoned hospital where Brandon James had all the surgeries for his disfigured face, and he used the mask to hide the sutures. So Audrey and Emma go crawling around in there, like it’s any old Radley basement. Inside, they find a whole lot of gross shit like this pig that is missing all the body parts the new killer is chopping off its victims. Also, they find dead Tyler’s literal head. And they find some encrypted files on a laptop, one of which Audrey and Noah accidentally upload to the internet. It’s definitely a video of Emma having sex.
Whoops!
I Am Jazz
Wednesdays on TLC at 10:00 p.m.
I’ve accomplished twice as much as Rachel Berry in half the time, so.
Mey told you about this show back in March, and now it’s here. It’s a really lovely departure from TLC’s more titillating concepts, and it is edited with a lot more care and a lot less DUN-DUN-DUNs. Which is correct because Jazz Jennings is a marvel. She’s a YouTube star; she’s written a book; she’s been in an OWN documentary; she’s a celebrated activist; and now she’s got her own show!
The first episode focuses on Jazz’s apprehension about starting high school. Her parents are both really articulate about trans issues and the show doesn’t center on their experiences with having a trans daughter. The show is all about Jazz (as it should be). She talks through her worries with them (for example, whether or not to invite boys to a bowling night she’s having with her friends, because boys are often jerks to her). She even calms her mom, Jeanette, down when one high school dude tosses out a slur under his breath and Jeanette nearly flips over a table to get at him. I like Jeanette!
What’s really interesting about the show is that Jazz is a celebrity; there’s no doubt about it. She even does a book signing in which multiple trans adults tell her how much easier their lives would have been if a book like hers existed when they were growing up. And yet, she tells her mom at one point, “I’m very self-conscious.”
It’s this nuanced juxtaposition of Jazz as an accomplished trans activist/author/YouTube star and a regular teenage girl who is going through things all teenage girls go through that really makes this show stand out from the rest of TLC’s line-up.
Complications
Thursdays on USA at 9:00 p.m.
Is that fucking Dan Humprhy? I already feel stabby tonight. He better keep his distance.
Gretchen continues her trajectory of becoming my favorite vigilante on television. (Sorry, Bi-Curious and the Virgin.) This week, we learn how she got tied up with seedy Wes and his dodgy hospital manipulation schemes. She was a good nurse with a bad past and he knew that she needed money to adopt her sister, Ingrid, so he roped her into doing shit for him, and then once she had a couple of years of nursing under her scrubs, she realized sometimes she’s got to go outside the system if she’s really going to help people.
This week, it’s her friend Jed, who’s in jail. Wes pitches this idea to her: Steal some cancer drugs and he’ll pay her and she can pay Jed’s bail. It’s a win-win. She gets money and cancer patients who can’t afford healthcare get the drugs on the black market. Gretchen ropes John into helping her. Gretchen wants to steal the drugs from a pharmaceutical warehouse, but John talks her out of it. So she decides to wear a beanie and break into a pharmaceutical van instead.
When they deliver the drugs to Wes, John looks at some patient records and sees that the people aren’t getting better, and the reason why is that Wes is diluting the drugs, so John just sets the whole place on fire. (Sometimes you poke the bear; sometimes the bear pokes you.)
Gretchen has to tell Jed to skip town, but is happy to adopt his curmudgeonly cat while he’s on the lam, so don’t even worry about that.
Rookie Blue
Thursdays on ABC at 10:00 p.m.
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Gail has decided to adopt a little girl named Sophie whose mom died during one of Gail’s cases back in “Letting Go.” She’s applied for it and she wants it so badly, but she keeps thinking she’s not cut out to be a mom because she can be really misanthropic, as you know. But that’s crazy talk because Gail is a True Canadian Hero and one of the most full-hearted humans on this earth. And she keeps getting put in positions to hang around with kids and prove how great she is with them.
She’s also made a bucket list of things she wants to do before she becomes a mom. One of the things is to learn to dance. I hope another of the things is to make out with one of Canada’s other billion TV lesbians. Betty McRae, maybe?
Defiance
Fridays on Syfy at 8:00 p.m.
And after this, enough about how all the Slytherins bounced before the Battle of Hogwarts.
Whoooooo boy. Okay. OKAY. Doc Yewll saved the town (again) on this week’s Defiance by convincing Amanda and Nolan to cut down Datak from his Castithan hanging and send him out to the enemy camp with a bomb sewn into his arm. You know, a suicide mission. One he could do and die with honor, by saving the town he claimed to love, instead of destroying it. But also, Doc Yewll knows Datak Tarr is way more savvy than that. By getting him cut down, she’s giving him a chance to save his life, even as she’s putting a ticking bomb inside his body. And she’s right, of course. (She’s always right.) Datak cuts off his own goddamn arm with a chargeblade and runs away and his arm blows up and the bad guys all KABOOM! and he’s free from his hanging, and all he’s missing is a single appendage. He even managed to get Stahma pardoned before he left.
Over/under on whether or not that Indogene-as-starfish thing comes into play again and Yewll gives him one of her own arms?
Over/under when Berlin comes to her senses and comes home?
Hannibal
Saturdays on NBC at 10:00 p.m.
Is this blood red suit too on the nose? Tell the truth.
Stacy says Hannibal reminded Alana again this week that he’s going to murder her, while sketching her face onto Botticelli’s “Fortitude.” This after a three-year time jump during which time he was institutionalized and she took on the role of being his therapist. He cooks desserts in his cell and draws and reads the newspaper and whatever else he wants to do. He’s there because the court deemed him insane. He knows he’s not insane, though, and so does Alana. The other thing she has stacked against her is that she had lesbian sex this season and that increases your chances of being murdered by about 300 percent. JUST GET OUT OF THERE, GIRL. Go with Margot!
I Am Cait
Sundays on E! at 8:00 p.m.
Now if only Kanye would follow me on Twitter.
Reviews are in for I Am Cait, and they’re all pretty good! It was my first experience watching a Kardashian show, and I was really surprised by how chill everything was. At one point, Kanye walks up in there and Caitlyn’s sister is like, “Why don’t your shoes tie?” And he slips off one of them and explains about laceless Adidas, but she’s still pretty dubious about the whole thing.
Actually, though, it was Kanye who said the main thing everyone is talking about in the episode and so I will quote it for you: “I think it’s one of the strongest things that have happened in our existence as human beings, that are so controlled by perception. You couldn’t have been up against more. Your daughter’s a supermodel, you’re a celebrity. Every type of thing, and it was still like, ‘Fuck it everybody, this is who I am.'”
Here’s what I loved about the show: It started with Caitlyn waking up at 4:00 a.m. and doing a confessional-type thing with a camera in her bedroom saying over and over, “I hope I get this right. I hope I get this right.” And then she talks about how she knows she’s coming from a place of privilege because she’s insanely wealthy and white. The episode mostly focuses on her meeting her mom and two sisters for the first time presenting as Caitlyn. Her sisters are wonderful; they talk about how they thought she would maybe grow out of this — she mentioned it to one of them 30 years ago — but now they understand that’s not a thing that happens. Caitlyn was always a girl. Caitlyn’s mom struggles a little bit. She’s worried about a thing she heard from the Bible. She’s worried because when Caitlyn was only five years old, she could tell that she didn’t want to wear boys clothes, and she’s afraid she forced her into a life she didn’t want to lead. She’s worried because she feels like she’s lost a son she loved so much.
But the best part is at the end when she says, “I was so proud of Bruce when he stood on that podium receiving that gold medal in Montreal. I had tears and the American flag was going up in the middle and I thought that I could never be more proud of him. And you know, I was wrong. Because I am more proud of him for the courage that he has shown. I love him with all my heart and I certainly love her with all my heart.”
The show uses Caitlyn’s family as a stand-in for the audience, to introduce everyone to basic Trans 101. For example, “Pronouns are important.” But it’s not just Caitlyn doing the educating: Susan P. Landon from the Los Angeles Gender Center stops by to talk to Caitlyn’s parents/the audience. And then Caitlyn goes to visit the family of a transgender teenager who committed suicide when he was 14, despite the fact that his family fully supported him and so did most of his classmates. His new birth certificate with his real name came just a few days after he died.
Previews for future episodes look like they are going to be heavy on highlighting all kinds of trans experiences, as well as your normal Kardashian shenanigans.
Team TV coverage you may have missed
+ Pretty Little Liars Episode 607 Recap: Happy Birthday, Motherf-cker!
“Sorry I was tripping balls at your birthday party and almost got everyone killed with a t-shirt cannon.”
Just a couple more doodads:
+ Someone emailed me to say there’s a queer storyline on Mistresses again this summer, but I’m not going to put in the time unless it proves itself to not be the same old sweeps-style baloney it did in the first season.
+ Like I mentioned in last week’s Pop Culture Fix, the lesbian character is back on BoJack Horseman this season, but I won’t recap that in this column since it’s a marathoning show.
+ I am still getting caught up on UnREAL; maybe next week it’ll finally make its appearance in this column.
+ And finally, do you want me to cover Steven Universe here, for the more queer episodes?
Tell me your feelings, cucumber kittens, and I’ll tell you mine.