Boobs on Your Tube: Game of Thrones’ Lone Lesbian Lives!

Happy Friday, Boobs Tubers! This week, Kayla reviewed the very lesbian season three premiere of The Bold Type and another wackadoodle episode of Riverdale and made quite a list for you. Riese and Kristin released the second episode of To L and Back! Carmen wrote about the bisexual coming out episode of Abby’s. Valerie recapped a very Jane Austen Legends of Tomorrow and shared some big gay found family feelings about the season finale of The Magicians. Natalie hosted the finale of our March Madness Coming Out tournament; stay turned, results are on the way!

Some reminders from the TV Team:

+ I finally got caught up on Jane the Virgin and I promise cross my heart Petramos is coming to this website page in all its glory (along with some Rose and Luisa shakedown) this Monday. — Heather

+ Younger released a First Look video for Season Six, and I’ll be honest with you: It’s a lot of straight people, but if you love the show, still pretty cute. — Carmen

The Chi 202: “Every Day I’m Hustlin’”

Written by Carmen

Lena Waithe’s The Chi returned to Showtime two weeks ago, and we’re getting to know even more about Nina and Karen – the lesbian moms of the show’s youngest protagonist, Kevin. In The Chi’s first season, Kevin witnessed a murder in his South Side neighborhood that became the catalyst for most of the show’s drama moving forward. In the second season, that murder charge is making its way to court, which means that Kevin may have to take the stand as a key witness.

In other shows, Kevin’s decision to testify would be fairly straightforward. What makes The Chi stand out is its instance on grappling with the nuances of a tween black boy being asked to work with the police and District Attorney. This is primarily played out via Nina and Karen, who rightfully worry that having their son “snitch” could mean a death sentence, not to mention his own emotional distress of having to relive the traumatic event in graphic detail for hours while being grilled by lawyers. At the same time, his moms recognize that his testimony might be the only way to bring the victim’s family peace. But is that peace worth the price it might cost their own family? There’s no easy answer. They debate it while washing dishes, while rubbing each other’s feet after a long day of work. It’s all knitted brows and hushed tones, trying to figure out what’s right. There’s just something about Nina and Karen – their love is quiet and domestic, but nonetheless impactful. Give me more black lesbians in love and fighting for their family. Please, please give that to me any day!

The Flash 518: “Godspeed”

Written by Valerie Anne

Kathryn Gallagher, who was lesbian socialite Peach’s best friend in #YouOnLifetimeNetflix and also best friend of queer characters in the Broadway musical Jagged Little Pill, was on The Flash this week and I mistakenly started hoping she was Nora’s girlfriend in the future but before I even had time to come up with a ship name she was dead. So I guess it’s for the best they were just best friends.

Do you think maybe they FORGOT that they implied Nora was queer?

Arrow 718: “Lost Canary”

Written by Valerie Anne

I stopped watching Arrow at some point because I got too far behind to catch up on CW’s website, but of course when I heard my beloved Sara Lance was back for a visit, I had to check out this episode. Luckily not much has changed since I watched, and the emotional crux of the episode was all about Sara, who I have been following faithfully across time and space.

I was worried we’d never get this kind of explicit discussion of Sara’s growth over the years, because Legends hasn’t really talked much about it since the Death Totem incident. I thought they had moved on and were going to focus mostly on Sara and Ava’s relationship and growth. (Which is fine, I approve.) So I was thrilled when Sara showed up in Star City to help NuLaurel find her way back from the dark path she set out on when she thought her friends had abandoned her.

First up, we have to discuss how perfect it was to watch them mirror earlier seasons with Sara and Felicity, with Sara doing the Salmon Ladder and Felicity being impressed. They even talk about how Sara was flirting with her and Felicity was into it before they hug it out .

ARMS

In the end, Sara finally gets through to Laurel. Even though it’s not really her sister, they have a bond, and they both loved the same Quentin in their own ways. Sara knows what Laurel’s going through; she went from cheating brat to literal assassin and now is a time-traveling hero. A legend, even. Redemption isn’t a box you can check, and becoming a good person isn’t a finish line you cross. It’s a journey and it’s making those choices every single day, over and over again, until it becomes second nature.

Game of Thrones 801: “Winterfell”

Written by Heather

There were a lot of surprises on the season eight premiere of Game of Thrones. Second only to Bran Stark becoming the most meme-able character of the series in just 45 minutes was the shocker that Yara Greyjoy is still very much alive! I thought for sure she was a goner and probably we’d never even hear about her again! Theon rescues her pretty easily and heads off to Winterfell to try to continue to make up for, you know, ruining the lives of most of many Stark children. Not Yara, though. She gathers what’s left of her army and sails away, determined to retake the Iron Islands. Before she goes, she tells Theon to tell her ol’ gal pal Daenerys that if she and her troops need to fall back — or, like, if Dany’s just looking for a nice vacation and a little lesbian romp — she’ll have the Islands secured for her in no time at all. Dragonspeed, Salt Prince!

Sophie Turner Sure Has Been With Girls: “Game of Thrones” Star “Loves Souls, Not Gender”

Rolling Stone published a brilliant, breathless, behemoth profile of Game of Thrones stars and best friends Sophie Turner and Maisie Williams today. There are almost too many gems to count. (I particularly love how many times Maisie Williams says the word “fuck,” such as: “I thought I wasn’t a feminist if my favorite color was pink. And then I decided that’s fucking stupid.”) But that is not why we are here today! Hidden among these many profile gems and GoT final season teases is Sophie Turner talking about her engagement to Joe Jonas, during which conversation she tells writer Brian Hiatt:

“I think once you’ve found the right person, you just know. I feel like I’m much older a soul than I am in age. I feel like I’ve lived enough life to know. I’ve met enough guys to know — I’ve met enough girls to know. I don’t feel 22. I feel like 27, 28.” As for the “girls” part: “Everyone experiments,” she says with a shrug. “It’s part of growing up. I love a soul, not a gender.”

Turner says it so casually, and it’s tucked so far into the interview, and she’s such an enormous star heading into the final season of maybe the most popular TV show of all time, about to headline her own Jean Grey movie, I had to read it ten times to confirm to myself that she really was simply shrugging to Rolling Stone about her sexuality (which she doesn’t label, so I won’t either). I guess if I’m being honest with myself, she should have pinged my sensibilities when she started adopting all those Dire Wolves.

Also, in this interview, she says she used to lay in bed and cry for Sansa, and also that she “cries at everything,” and that her alias is “Boy George,” and she’s great at pool, and her found family is “everything,” and she spent almost all of Game of Thrones envying Maisie for getting to wear trousers and sword fight, all of which is pretty firmly queer culture.

The whole profile is great and you should absolutely read it. The main takeaway is that Sophie Turner and Maisie Williams spent a decade playing little girls growing into young women who were desperate to find just a little bit of agency and power — and now, in real life, they are happy, well-adjusted, grown-ass adults who love each other fiercely and can do anything they want with their futures, including not being straight and not caring who knows it.

New “Game Of Thrones” Lesbian Power Couple Or New Dead Lesbian: A Special Scientific Investigation

Header by Rory Midhani

Game of Thrones returns on Sunday, and from the looks of things, it’s going to be a delightful time for us all. Two important items:

1. At the end of last season, Daenerys Targaryen and Yara Greyjoy bantered and made serious flirty eyes at each other while forming an alliance.
2. A recent trailer shows Yara and Ellaria Sand kissing on the mouth, which the more hopeful parts of the internet are interpreting as the formation of a new lesbian power couple.

Here’s that trailer! The kiss is at 1:22.

If you haven’t been following along at home, I’ll be honest: this is a tough show to catch up with. It has a huge cast of characters, everyone has very complicated motivations, and the show often moves at a breathtakingly ridiculous pace. Marathoning the show with a detail-oriented friend is probably the best way to catch up. Short of that: the basic premise is that we’re in medievalish times, magic is real, and everyone is fighting with everything they’ve got to gain power and have their family rule the seven kingdoms.

Early on in the show, Ellaria (a widowed, unofficial princess of Dorne), was established as bisexual and polyamorous during a visit to the brothel with her lover Prince Oberyn Martel. A couple seasons later, Yara (Queen of the Ironborns, a grim, seafaring people), was also shown with a female sex worker. In my eyes, these two are the most prominent, canonically queer women in the TV series. Daenerys (Queen Across the Sea and mother of three literal dragons) had a brief thing with her handmaid Doreah, but it largely focused on learning how to please her new husband, which feels categorically different to me. Maybe you disagree! Here’s some nuanced discussion about the show’s lesbian representation, if you’re interested.

Or if you’re just interested in the kissing:

Yara and Ellaria. Via Winter Is Coming.

Now onto the current order of the day. Does this look like a lesbian power couple to you? I’m not so sure. Ellaria’s definitely getting in there, but it’s not clear to me whether Yara is kissing back. Is that lust on her face, or is she opening her mouth in surprise/protest? We obviously need more information, but here’s my theory: what we’re looking at is actually another dead TV lesbian in the making, because this is a murder scene. DUN DUN DUN.

Here’s what we know.

Poison At The Purple Wedding

The first major poisoning we see within the Game of Thrones universe takes place at King Joffrey’s “purple wedding.” In S4E2, “The Lion and the Rose,” we see Joffrey largely ignore his new wife Margaery, choosing instead to threaten and belittle his uncle Tyrion. Following an ominous back-and-forth where Joffrey forces Tyrion to serve him wine, we see Joffrey cough, tense up, gasp for air, fall to the ground, vomit, convulse, and turn purple. Blood leaks out of his nose and bloodshot eyes, and in less than two minutes, he’s dead. The murder plot is a bit difficult to piece together through the show alone, but it’s very clear the books: Lady Olenna Tyrell slipped a poison known as “the strangler” into Joffrey’s wine to help her granddaughter Margaery take full control of the throne.

The strangler, of course, is entirely fictional, as it is made from the leaves of a plant found in the Jade Sea of Essos. We do, however, see some striking similarities between the strangler’s description and a real world toxic alkaloid. Here’s analytical chemist Dr. Raychelle Burks to explain:

Yup, it’s strychnine! Some facts straight from the CDC:

• Strychnine is a strong poison; only a small amount is needed to produce severe effects in people. Strychnine poisoning can cause extremely serious adverse health effects, including death.
• The extent of poisoning caused by strychnine depends on the amount and route of strychnine exposure and the person’s condition of health at the time of the exposure.
• Strychnine prevents the proper operation of the chemical that controls nerve signals to the muscles. The chemical controlling nerve signals works like the body’s “off switch” for muscles. When this “off switch” does not work correctly, muscles throughout the body have severe, painful spasms. Even though the person’s consciousness or thinking are not affected at first (except that the person is very excitable and in pain), eventually the muscles tire and the person can’t breathe.

People exposed to high doses of strychnine may reach respiratory failure within the first 15 to 30 minutes of exposure. Other immediate effects may include agitation, apprehension or fear, restlessness, uncontrollable arching of the neck and back, rigid arms and legs, jaw tightness, difficulty breathing, dark urine, painful muscle spasms possibly leading to fever and to kidney and liver injury, and/or muscle pain and soreness. Nosebleeds aren’t mentioned, but it certainly makes for a striking visual. And it doesn’t disqualify strychnine, so I’m going to go ahead and say close enough.

Returning to the scene of the crime, you’ll note that Ellaria was nowhere near Joffrey or Olenna during the events, nor did she have anything to do with the transportation of the poison via a light blue gem on Sansa’s necklace. She was in attendance at the wedding, though, so we can surmise that she either witnessed the death or became aware of the very high profile poisoning shortly thereafter.

The Assassination of Myrcella

In the next poisoning of a Lannister heir, Ellaria takes a much more active role. In S5E10, “Mother’s Mercy,” we see Ellaria give Princess Myrcella a long, uncomfortable kiss on the lips as she says goodbye. Minutes later (the timeline is unclear because the implied rowboat travel to meet the larger ship takes place off screen, but it seems safe to assume 20 minutes or less), Myrcella gasps for breath, blinks confusedly as blood drips from her nose, and collapses into a quick death in her father’s arms. Back on the dock, Ellaria wipes away a very similar looking nosebleed, then removes the dark purple lipstick she had on while she was kissing Myrcella. She pulls a vial of light blue liquid from her necklace, takes a swig, and walks away, apparently no worse for the wear.

Here’s the full scene:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxK92bDmrfA

Unfortunately on this one there’s no corresponding book scene, so we have limited information about the toxin used. From previous plot points, we do know that Ellaria had access to lots of knowledge about poisons. Until Oberyn’s untimely end, Ellaria was romantically involved with “The Red Viper,” who studied poison at the citadel and used a spear dipped in manticore venom to painfully putrefy Gregor Clegane’s flesh.

Manticores don’t exist in real life (as far as we know), but we do have snakes, scorpions, and many other creatures with painful, deadly venom! Here’s National Geographic with wilderness medicine doctor Dr. Luanne Freer:

Within the GoT universe, we’ve been told that the effects of manticore venom cannot be stopped, only slowed, so it’s very unlikely that Ellaria would have chosen to expose herself in the process of poisoning Myrcella. A far more likely candidate is the poison Ellaria’s daughter Tyene uses in S5E7, “The Gift.” Tyene stabs Bronn in combat and taunts him when he slumps to the floor with a nosebleed not long after, explaining:

My dagger was coated with a special ointment from Asshai. They call it the Long Farewell. It takes time to work, but if a single drop makes contact with the skin, death.

Only after Bronn agrees that Tyene is the most beautiful woman in the world does she toss him the vial of light blue liquid antidote. His breathing returns to normal and he eventually makes it out alive. And that is all the information we have about the poison at this point! I looked up Asshai in a few Game of Thrones wikis, and it appears the city is in the far southeast of the continent of Essos, on the eastern shore of the Jade Sea.

Wait, hang on… that’s a weird coincidence. Could the strangler and the long farewell the same poison?

The Strangler and the Long Farewell

We know that both the strangler and the Long Farewell come from the same geographic location. When administered orally, they result in similar effects (gasping for breath, loss of muscle control, and nosebleeds). We don’t know what the strangler looks like, but we did see a container it was held in: a light blue gem on Sansa’s necklace. We also don’t know what the Long Farewell looks like (possibly Ellaria’s purple lipstick, possibly some inconspicuous liquid on her finger), but we do see the antidote: a light blue liquid, contained in Ellaria’s necklace vial. The antidote to the Long Farewell is in an opaque blue necklace, but when we see Ellaria remove the vial, the liquid appears light blue, similar in shade to Sansa’s necklace. Hmm!

Getting back to our theory that the strangler is a fictionalized version of strychnine, what does that tell us about the antidote? According to the CDC, there is no specific antidote for strychnine toxicity, but “treatment consists of removing the drug from the body (decontamination) and getting supportive medical care in a hospital setting. Supportive care includes intravenous fluids (fluids injected directly into a vein), medications for convulsions and spasms, and cooling measures for high temperature.” So if you’re poisoned by strychnine in real life, get yourself to a hospital; there is no instacure magic potion. Within the GoT universe, though, our frame of reference isn’t modern medicine, but medieval. And in those days, poison hemlock was the drug of choice to reverse strychnine effects.

Poison hemlock.

Like strychnine, poison hemlock is also a toxic alkaloid that can induce respiratory failure in humans. While strychnine enhances synaptic transmission to the end result of convulsive muscular contractions, though, coniine (the alkaloid of interest in poison hemlock) tends to relax and paralyze muscles. During medieval times, it was applied to “reverse” the effects of strychnine by visibly relieving muscle spasms. It isn’t a true antidote (nor is it blue), but again, I’m going to go ahead and say say close enough.

Power Couple, Dead TV Lesbian, or Both?

So now we have two suspected poisons, one of which is also an antidote. Why the two blue necklaces? It could be a weird coincidence. Or! What about this:

• Joffrey was poisoned by the strangler, aka. fictionalized strychnine.
• Joffrey’s poison was stored in the rightmost jewel of Sansa’s necklace, which was given to her by the Tyrells (which Olenna took the poison jewel off of and emptied or crushed into Joffrey’s wine).
• Inside one or more of the other jewels in Sansa’s necklace was the “antidote,” poison hemlock. Olenna would have wanted to keep some on hand in case Margaery accidentally drank the poisoned wine, but she wouldn’t have wanted to have it on her person, because it would be suspicious if she was caught with a poison.
• The jewels of the necklace were purposefully chosen for their light blue shade so that nobody would notice the hidden antidote.
• Myrcella was poisoned by the Long Farewell, aka. fictionalized strychnine.
• Myrcella’s poison was mixed with Ellaria’s dark purple lipstick, which transferred lips when Ellaria kissed Myrcella goodbye.
• After administering the poison, Ellaria wiped it off of her lips to limit contact, then gave herself some “antidote”, aka. fictionalized poison hemlock.
• We don’t have any reason at this point to believe that Ellaria would want to kill Yara (we don’t even how or why they get together), except that Yara is allied with Daenerys, and Ellaria is a wild card who seems to be primarily driven by vengeance at this point.
• Maybe Ellaria wants to get with Dany, and Yara “Shane of Westeros” is in the way? Maybe Ellaria is just an aggressive kisser and not a killer? Maybe Ellaria gets with Dany and Yara both, and there is no problem here except that it isn’t Sunday yet, and a girl can only live so much through a sub 1 second clip of decontextualized kissing?

I hope it’s the third option, but I feel like it’s probably the first one. What do you think? Do you have any other theories or wild predictions for this season?

Via Oohlo.

Notes From A Queer Engineer is a recurring column with an expected periodicity of 14 days. The subject matter may not be explicitly queer, but the industrial engineer writing it sure is. This is a peek at the notes she’s been doodling in the margins.

Boob(s On Your) Tube: The Mother of Dragons is Probably Totally Bisexual

Some actual good stuff happened on TV this weekend, y’all! And not a moment too soon.

Game of Thrones

Sunday on HBO at 9:00 p.m.

Stacy is not taken to flights of fancy when it comes to two women doing it on TV. In fact, she basically assumes all women on TV are straight and that the gay ones are going to die. So when she came crashing into our bedroom on Sunday night, breathless and urging me to hurry downstairs to watch an important scene from Game of Thrones, I knew I was in for a real treat. Remember when I told you about Yara Greyjoy from the Iron Islands and how she had some gay intercourse with another woman before she set off with her fleet of ships to track down the Mother of Dragons? Well, Yara has now traversed the Narrow Sea and arrived in Daenerys’ presence.

For starters, Dany’s feeling real good. Some slave masters showed up and fired flaming cannons at her city and demanded their slaves back, and so she just hopped onto one of her dragons and summoned her other two dragons from their place of captivity and flew on out to the ocean and set the Masters and their ships on fire. I don’t know a lot about Game of Thrones, but I know Daenerys Targeryan gets off on burning condescending men alive. So, yes, she was feeling a-okay when Yara and her brother, Theon, wandered into her throne room talking about alliances.

Yara wants Daenerys to back her claim to the Salt Throne in exchange for ferrying her army across the sea so she can reclaim the Iron Throne. The Mother of Dragons is never particularly impressed with people, but Yara makes her mouth twitchy with smiles and also makes her eyebrows go bonkers on her face. Dany wants to know if the Iron Islands have ever had a queen, and Yara says no more than Westeros has had a queen. Dany wants to know if Yara’s father was an asshole like the rumors say he was, and Yara says she and Dany have that in common too. Theon explains that their uncle is building even more ships and plans to bring them over and offer them to Dany, but for the price of backing his claim to the Salt Throne and also for the price of marrying him.

Daenerys: And I imagine your offer is free from any marriage demands.
Yara: I never demand, but I’m up for anything really.

Khaleesi is so delighted with Yara’s audacious flirting that her face does a thing I’ve never seen it do before. They make a pact to support each other, kill some misogynist uncles, and see where it goes from there.

Veep

Sunday on HBO at 10:30 p.m.

Catherine’s film about her mother’s presidential legacy finally made its way into the world on Sunday night and it was glorious. I mean, it’s a terrible film, of course — but it comes at season five from a completely different angle (literally), allowing us to see what happens in Selina’s orbit when she’s not in the room. What was particularly delightful was how it dug deeper into Catherine and Marjorie’s relationship, from their first date to a quiet morning in bed to their breakup when Marjorie refused to introduce Catherine to her parents as her girlfriend to their reconciliation.

In a surprising but brilliant move, the main question of the season — Will Congress allow Selina to stay in office? — is answered right as Marjorie steps in front of the camera to tell Catherine that she loves her. It’s a huge moment of triumph for Veep’s most overlooked and overshadowed character; in fact, it brings her into the literal forefront of the story at the most important moment of Selina’s career. We hear the answer to the Big Question and see Selina react in the background, behind Marjorie’s body.

The name of Catherine’s film is “Kissing Your Sister” and it has its own website. The “our influences” and “upcoming projects” made me cackle-laugh.

Wynonna Earp

Friday on Syfy at 9:00 p.m.

Dang, kittens, if this isn’t the sweetest, most tender gay love story I’ve seen on TV in a long, long time. This week, Haught tries to help Waverly heal from her gunshot wound, but the touching makes them bonkers so they just start ripping their clothes off and prepping to do it right there in the Earp barn. They are interruped by Willa, who is kind of mad that Waverly didn’t tell her she’s gay and figures Wynonna’s going to be kind of mad too. Waverly doesn’t care, to be honest; she just wants to make out with her girlfriend.

And so she does just that, again, at the end of the night at a fancy party where everyone is going berserk because they drank hexed champagne. Particularly Champ is going berserk because of the booze and also because of the homophobia and also because of the jealousy. He tries to attack his ex-girlfriend, and then his ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend steps to him and wallops him in the face with her fist and that’s that. It’s a delight! Haught’s gotta go fight the bad guys, but before she does, Waverly grabs her and smooches her right on the mouth in their fancy dresses right in front of everyone. It’s a very good way to come out. 10/10. Would watch again.

Scream

Monday on MTV at 11:00 p.m.

Audrey got totally Pretty Little Liar-ed on this week’s Scream. Some nefarious, anonymous person planted a bloody corkscrew in her car, so she disposed of it in the dumbest way possible (by digging a shallow little hole just inside the treeline of the woods and burying it there), so of course when she woke up, Scream’s A had retrieved the bloody corkscrew and put it under her covers with her. Scream’s A is messing with her because they know she had a tie to season one’s Big Bad, even though she herself was not the Big Bad. Also Audrey made out with her best friend, Noah, hopped up on a drug cocktail at a regatta gala. It was kind of a threesome and she was kind of hallucinating that Noah was her dead girlfriend (but resurrected). Anyway, then a dead body fell from the sky. #DramaBomb

The Fosters

Monday on Freeform at 9:00 p.m.

The Fosters returned to Freeform last night and while I do plan to do standalone recaps for it again this season, I couldn’t make myself watch and recap a school shooting episode this week. I just need a minute. Hopefully I’ll be ready to go next week.

Boob(s On Your) Tube: Look At These Bisexual Badasses on “Orphan Black” and “Wynonna Earp”

So much TV happened when we were up on the mountain for A-Camp! I’ll be honest with you: I haven’t watched Person of Interest yet, even though I know what happens, because I’ve only been home 48 hours and I have a terrible cold and a lot to catch up on and I want to at least not have a fever when I end up hurling my television out into the street. I need the strength! I’ll watch it tonight, though, for real, and write up something for you tomorrow. Thank you for being patient with me. Look at all these bisexual babes that came out while I was away.

Wynonna Earp

Fridays at 10:00 p.m. on Syfy

Lord knows I love a slow-burn, but I confess I love the part where everything combusts even more. Waverly and Haught finally got there last week on Wynonna Eerp, and it. was. marvelous. After throwing up every wall she could think of between herself and Nicole, Waverly cracked and stormed into the sheriff’s office and shut all the blinds and crashed herself into Nicole so hard they stumbled back onto the couch and kept on kissing and panting like something out of a fan fiction. I mean. Y’all. They kissed for like a good two minutes. In between which Waverly confessed that she’s always wanted to skydive and swim with sharks and eat weird food, because she likes to be scared, but when the thing she’s scared of the most is the human lady right in front of her, it’s a little too real. Adorable-sexy is my favorite kind of sexy, and these two are perfect at it. This TV season has been a goddamn misery so when Waverly’s like, “Maybe you should stop talking” and Haught’s like, “Maybe you should make me” I almost swooned out of my seat and into a puddle of tears on the floor. (Okay, that’s exactly what I did.) Waverly is the bisexual representation we need in the world. She’s none of the tropes, all of the glory.

Game of Thrones

Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on HBO

Yara Greyjoy is on her way across the world to find herself a Dragon Queen and lend her some ships in exchange for some fire so she can get the Iron Islands back. First, though, she and her sailors stop by a brothel and she reveals to us all that she’s a gay lady. She does this by kissing a woman and engaging in a little nipple play before pep talking her brother, Theon, and then bouncing to “fuck that one’s tits off.” Yara isn’t technically the first queer woman on GoT, but she’s definitely the first one I could see marrying Daenerys.

Orphan Black

Thursdays at 10:00 p.m. on BBC America

Look, Delphine’s not dead. There’s no way they’re trotting out her name like she died and then trotting out her name again like she’s alive in back-to-back episodes if she’s really dead. There’s no way. We’ll talk about this more after this week’s episode, but I refuse to believe now (as I have refused to believe all along) that Delphine “Straight Hair, Don’t Care” Cormier died in last year’s finale.

Oh, also, Sarah Manning is bisexual, pass it on.

(I’ll write more on this after Thursday night’s episode. There’s a lot to process and I need to work my way out of this Nyquil haze.)

Scream

Mondays at 11:00 p.m. on MTV

Scream is back! Remember last year when I had to stop watching when the show literally sawed that guy in half and then the next episode they showed him getting sawed in half again? And not like the way people do in a magic trick, but like long-ways they sawed him down, like down the middle from a standing position. Well, I managed to get through the first two episodes of this season without anyone getting split open like that.

Noah is on the trail of Piper’s accomplice from last season, and since that accomplice was Audrey, she’s creeping around in the dark and in the forest and in the swamp using voice modulators and other scare tactics to try to get Noah to stop digging around. It’s not really working. The police also suspect that Audrey’s doing dirty dealing. Their plan is real dumb, though. They try to trick Audrey into stabbing one of them by triggering her PTSD. It’s some Rosewood-caliber bullshit. I hope she gets another girlfriend soon. Like a bullet-proof one.

Rosewood

On summer hiatus on Fox

Oh hey, TMI cheated on Pippy with a dude and then broke off their engagement. Classic!

Also.Also.Also: Sansa Stark Has a Big Lesbian Crush on You and Other Stories for Your Week

AAAAAAAAHHHHH IT’S ALMOST A-CAMPPPPPPP. Next week you’ll be knocking back some smooth links with your host KaeLyn, so I hope you really soak me up while you still can. Hey, I cleaned out my under-the-staircase storage closet yesterday! It was full of so many craft supplies and so many wedding-related things. Now I don’t have to slam my entire body against the door to force it closed. KonMari-ing your craft supplies should be a requirement for sainthood, because I’ve never felt so holy and clean.

I hope you have the cutest Monday!

Queer as in F*ck You

+ Lesbian Couple Wins $80,000 Lawsuit After Being Jailed for Kissing in Public.

+ A Lesbian’s Guide to Staying Friends With Your Exes. Idk maybe you will see your truth reflected back to you in this piece.

+ Film School: Unlocking the Mysteries of Lesbian Noir in Mulholland Drive.

+ Um, hm. Game of Thrones Sophie Turner: Sansa Should Date Women, particularly Margaery or Arya? Soooo.

+ Tracy Chapman Understands the Freedom of a Friend’s Fast Car.

Doll Parts

+ New Book Gives Rebel Girls the Bedtime Stories They Deserve.

+ What Do You Wear When You’re a Nineties Rock Band?

Saw This, Thought of You

+ Our Music Preferences Reflect Our Personality and there’s a test to prove it, chump!

+ Ughhh you are not ready for how slap-you-in-the-face adorable this fox is! Arctic Foxes Grown Their Own Gardens.

+ ‘A Million Questions’
From Descendants of Slaves Sold to Aid Georgetown.

Pop Culture Fix: Everyone Is Bananas For “Carol” at Cannes and Other Important Stories

Hello, peaches and pears and plums! Welcome to your weekly Pop Culture Fix! This isn’t Cannes, so feel free to wear what you want. Heels, flats, oxfords, feety pajamas. It’s totally up to you!

Gender Discrimination Redux

+ Last week, Riese talked about how shit is getting real for gender discrimination in Hollywood, and the battle rages on. Famous ladies are breaking the code of silence all over the place. This week, Selma Hayek spoke at a UN panel about her experiences with “sexist, ignorant” movie creators. Melissa McCarthy smacked down a Variety reporter for a profoundly sexist review, calling Hollywood’s attitude about women “an intense sickness.” And, at Cannes, Parker Posey said, “We’re at war. The culture is eating nature, it’s overpowering storytelling.”

+ The Feminist Majority Foundation honored Shonda Rhimes and Jenji Kohan with the Eleanor Roosevelt Global Women’s Rights Award this week, and their speeches will have you throwing up praise hands emojis.

Rhimes on her assistant telling her she wants to be a straight white man for one day to see what it’s like to “have all that”:

My assistant wants to walk through the world, just for a day, without some guy hitting on her when she runs to Starbucks to get me coffee. So as to not be called cute by the security guard. She wants to not be told that she should be a model. She wants to not take a look of surprise on someone’s face when she tells them where she went to college. She wants her boobs to no longer be a topic of conversation. She wants to not make 70 cents on the dollar. She wants to not have old men legislate her vagina’s rights. She doesn’t want to even know that a glass ceiling ever existed. She wants to not believe that having a baby will end her career. She wants everything in the world to be made for her, be about her and speak mostly to her, because that’s how it is for men.

Kohan on her daughter loving Hello Kitty:

There was one thing about Hello Kitty that drove me nuts: she has no mouth. According to the company, she speaks from the heart and is an ambassador to the world who is not bound by any language. They want people to project their feelings onto the character and be happy or sad together with Hello Kitty. My motherly response, and my deep-down feeling and my feminist response, is “That’s bullshit.” I feel it’s a statement about girls. I feel that this toy was telling my daughter that she should look adorable with her pink bow, and not express her thoughts or feelings. Let others project them onto her? That’s not okay.

But she really liked the stuff and I spent a fortune. So I grabbed a sharpie and started drawing mouths. I drew mouths on every single girl-dressed-as-cat object that she owned. Open, close, smiling, frowning, sometimes just a line — but they all had mouths. I had to face them all by giving them all full faces.

Read the whole speeches; they’re so good.

+ Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin were rightfully pissed when they found out what Sam Waterston and Martin Sheen, the guys who play their husbands on Grace and Frankie, are getting paid.

“[Tomlin] found out [Waterston and Sheen] are getting the same salary that we are,” says Fonda. “That doesn’t make us happy.”

Tomlin adds, “No. The show is not ‘Sol and Robert’ — it’s ‘Grace and Frankie.'”

+ To punctuate Hayek’s point that ignoring the economic power of women is a stupid move by Hollywood, Mad Max and Pitch Perfect 2 crushed it at the box office this weekend. That’s a female-driven action movie about a woman who rescues a group of sex slaves and destroys their captors, and a film written/directed/starred in by nearly all women. AV Club says the only real loser at the box office this weekend was misogyny.

Straight Blanchett

We went through a real roller coaster of feelings last week with Cate Blanchett, huh? I’m still a little shaken, but we’ve got to get it together because we’ve got to talk about Carol, which is leading the Palme d’Or buzz at the halfway point of Cannes. Here are Blanchett, Rooney Mara and director Todd Haynes talking about the film while sitting on a yacht in the sunset. V. relatable.

+ The Hollywood Reporter thinks Mara and Blanchett are “outstanding” and that Haynes’ direction is “fastidious, intelligent, and somewhat leisurely.”

+ HitFix is sure Carol can “enlighten minds” and have a”meaningful calling beyond its artistic achievements.”

+ The Playlist warns that Carol is going to “burst the banks of your heart.”

+ Variety finds the film groundbreaking in terms of examining queer identity, and also: “Even high expectations don’t quite prepare you for the startling impact of Carol, an exquisitely drawn, deeply felt love story that teases out every shadow and nuance of its characters’ inner lives with supreme intelligence, breathtaking poise and filmmaking craft of the most sophisticated yet accessible order. ”

+ The Independent is bananas for Blanchett: “Blanchett’s performance matches that she gave in Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine. She is a fascinating actress because she brings such Clytemnestra-like fury to roles as fragile and vulnerable women.”

+ Vanity Fair is bananas for the whole shebang: “By the film’s extraordinary final scene—another charged, multitudes-containing look across a room—both Carol and Therese have emerged from a shared crucible more fully human, not immune to whatever pain might await them, but certainly stronger in themselves, better armed.”

So, get psyched! But keep your psyched-ness in check! I don’t want another heartbreaking debacle like last week w/r/t The Lady of the Golden Wood.

Hot Takes on TV

There are two things on the internet’s collective mind this week: Game of Thrones and Mad Men. Okay, also T-Swizzle’s “Bad Blood” video and Bey + Nicki Minaj, but we’ve already talked about those things. Here are the other two things:

+ Sansa Stark’s rape on Sunday night’s Game of Thrones has people canceling HBO and breathing fire. If, like me, you only watch Game of Thrones when your girlfriend shows you clips of dragons on YouTube because of how the show is 80 percent rapes and decapitations, you might be wondering why one more rape has set people off so much. Apparently, Sansa was not raped in the books and it had already been established on the show that: Sansa is a victim, the guy who raped her is a psychopath, and the people who were forced to watch her being raped are impotent and/or unfeeling when it comes to helping her.

The storyline has caused Senator Claire McCaskill to disavow the show, The Mary Sue to pull the plug on their coverage, and Flavorwire to declare that the Golden Age of TV has been replaced by the Age of Rape and Torture. Bitch says the guilty pleasure of watching has become too guilty. Hells bells, even Deadspin is now calling GOT  “gross, exploitive and out of ideas.” And HitFix says the controversy isn’t going away.

+ Mad Men ended its six season run on Sunday and oh, I cried. I just want to point you in the direction of some of the smartest feminist things I’ve read about one of the smartest shows to ever air on TV.

“What the Fates of Mad Men’s Women Say About The Show’s Stance on Feminism” (Time)

“How Mad Men Helped Me Understand The Anger In My Mother’s Feminism” (Jezebel)

“In Mad Men’s Finale, Joan and Peggy Switched Places and Became Complete” (IndieWire)

“What Mad Men gets right about the history of feminism” (Vox)

TV Tidbits

+ According to my buddy Heather, the new Fox comedy Grandfathered is going to feature a lesbian character of color. Let’s hope she fares better than all the other lesbians on sitcoms so far this year.

+ Portia de Rossi has been upped to series regular on Scandal.

+ The Bronte sisters are getting a BBC biopic. I hope they explore Charlotte’s relationship with Ellen Nussey, the one that had Nussey’s husband so upset that he was always freaking out about how they needed to burn their letters because of the passionate language they used with each other. The actual phrase Nussey’s husband used to describe their letters was “more dangerous than Lucifer’s match!”

+ Andy Cohen acted out 9 to 5 with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin the other day. (WHERE’S DOLLY, Y’ALL.)

+ Queen Latifah doesn’t care if her lesbian love scene in Bessie made you uncomfortable.

+ Leisha Hailey is going to guest star on ABC Family’s Chasing Life, maybe offer some queer advice to Brenna and Greer.

+ Kim Kardashian says “she’s beautiful” in reference to Bruce Jenner.

+ The official Scream Queens trailer is here. I will not because of Ryan Murphy, but you might! It’s very lady-driven!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FtenR69qmk

Also.Also.Also.

This duck is very excited when his human gets off the bus.

Daily Fix: Laverne Cox Covers Variety, Raven-Symoné Guests on Black-ish, Brittney Griner Will Sit Out Team USA Practice

Hello, feminist monsters. Are you proud of yourself for making Joss Whedon quit Twitter? Just kidding, it’s not your fault! (Or is it?) (It’s not!) (…but maybe it is.) Joss Whedon quitting Twitter is all anyone wants to talk about, but that’s TOO BAD. There are so many other things happening, as you will see below in this week’s Pop Culture Fix!

Laverne Cox Always Deserves Her Own Subheading

Laverne Cox looks so good (SO GOOD!) on the cover of Variety this week.

I’m going to buy this and frame it and meditate on it every morning and three times in the afternoon to center myself. WWLCD? Inside the magazine, the question is: Transgender Hollywood: Will Bruce Jenner Change the Industry? The article (quite rightly) focuses on Laverne a lot, but also talks about Bruce Jenner, Transparent, and the many TV shows that will feature transgender characters in the coming months. (Mey told you about them!) Also, more stunning pictures.

The Teevee

+ In Boob(s On Your) Tube this week, I told you about how Arrow is set to marry off its lesbian character, Nyssa al Guhl, to the show’s hero, Oliver Straight White Guy in the penultimate episode of this season. (This after they already killed off bisexual badass Sara Lance, who was Nyssa’s beloved.) TV Line says “Nyssa’s not going down the aisle without a fight. Atta girl!” But also, The CW has released about three hundred promo images of the wedding, so.

+ Portia de Rossi seems poised to return to Scandal next season. She thinks they’re the best cast she’s ever worked with, but that the Arrested Development people were funnier. (Winky emoji.)

+ Raven-Symoné will guest star on tonight’s Black-ish as Dre’s gay sister Rhonda. Apparently everyone in the family knows she’s a lesbian, except her mom. She talked to Entertainment Tonight about that plus her guest role on Empire.

+ ABC Family dropped the first promo for Pretty Little Liars season six and it is creepy as f*ck.

+ E! has announced a two-hour Kardashian special called About Bruce, in which “Kris, Kourtney, Kim, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie and Scott speak candidly with Bruce, ask many questions and begin to understand the tough journey he’s* been on his entire life. Through difficult and direct conversations, the family’s unfiltered reactions are surprising, thoughtful and ultimately compassionate and supportive.” About Bruce airs Sunday, May 17 and Monday, 18 at 9 p.m. on E!

(*According to E!’s press release: “Please note, at this time, Bruce Jenner is choosing to not live publicly in the media as a woman and will be referred to as Bruce Jenner and with male pronouns in this announcement.”)

+ On this season of Game of Thrones, The Faith Militant are tracking down and executing the handful of gay characters in Westeros. IndieWire thinks it’s really rad that the show took the subtle gayness of the books and made it overt, including this persecution storyline, because it’s a scathing social commentary on the fact that these medieval attitudes are still thriving in the world today.

+ Cynthia Nixon was on Watch What Happens Live this week, and what happened was a lot of things, including talk about gender and sexuality and obviously Beyonce. (P.S. Did you know Nixon is doing an Emily Dickinson biopic? Jennifer Ehle just joined the cast.)

+ Shonda Rhimes is tag-teaming with Bessie director Dee Rees to adapt Isabel Wilkerson’s The Warmth of Other Suns for FX. Wilkerson, who became the first black woman to win a Pulitzer Prize for journalism in the mid-90s, wrote Other Suns to explore the lives of black Americans who left the south in search of a better life in the north and midwest during the Great Migration. Wilkerson’s book won all kinds of awards when it was released in 2010, and also topped the NYT best seller chart.

The Musics

+ Miley Cyrus teamed up with Joan Jett to announce a her charity called The Hippie Foundation, which will support homeless LGBT youth.

The Sports

Brittney Griner won’t be one of the 30 players attending Team USA’s team training camp this summer. According to a statement from her agent:

Brittney has been through a lot these last couple weeks and after her health began to suffer, she felt it best to take a step back and continue to focus on her counseling. She knows USA Basketball deserves her full mental and physical commitment and given the circumstances, she didn’t feel like she could fulfill that responsibility. Brittney is incredibly grateful for USA Basketball’s support through what has been a challenging time.

Also.Also.Also

Jessica Williams hung out with at the Supreme Court during the first day of oral arguments about same-sex marriage and it is as wonderful as you’re imagining.

Fan Fiction Friday: 8 Lesbian Wedding Stories on Brittany and Santana’s Big Day!

by rory midhani

Today is the day lesbian fandom has been waiting for since the very first season of Glee — Brittany and Santana are getting married! To honor the beautiful brides and get you in the mood to swoon, I’ve assembled a collection of eight femslash wedding fics. They’re syrupy and sweet and just what you need to prepare for Brittana’s Big Night!

Old, Borrowed, Blue by EverShadow

Pairing: Brittany/Santana, Glee
Plot: A fluffy Brittana wedding one-shot
Length: 3,000 words

Santana was the nervous one and Quinn found that absolutely hilarious. The girl paced back and forth, her shiny new shoes squeaking on the carpet. Quinn sat calmly in a lounge chair and watched as Santana glanced outside to where everyone gathered

“You’re making me dizzy.” Quinn commented sharply. Santana flipped a half-hearted middle finger in her direction and looked outside again. Rows and rows of white chairs were being rapidly occupied. Some faces she recognized, some she didn’t.

“Holy shit that’s a lot of people.” Santana muttered. There had to be at least fifty people there and more were coming every second. Santana didn’t even realize that they knew that many people. Most of them were family, coming from all over the US and some from out of the country. They shared the same friends though so that number was kept to a minimum.

“Stage fright?” Quinn teased.

“You are the worst maid of honor, best man, whatever.” Santana said angrily, drawing the curtains closed a tiny bit.

A Wedding of Errors by TheArcher

Pairing: Allison/Lydia, Teen Wolf
Plot: Dr. Lydia hires a famous wedding planner named Allison to plan her big day, and then she falls in love with her.
Length: 19,000 words

But going out with Allison on this highly inadvisable date made her wonder if maybe her life only seemed great because it was so constant. Her life now wasn’t that different from when she was in medical school. She had grown comfortable with it and now Allison came in and she was comfortable in an entirely different way.

Then again she could be blowing it completely out of proportion. Her schedule was always very busy and she couldn’t get out much. She didn’t have any friends outside of work. This could very well just be a longing for female companionship and not some sort of life-altering romance.

She stopped the car in front of her house and looked at the lights already on in the living room.

The last thing Lydia needed was a life-altering anything.

Your People Will Be My People by NancyBrown

Pairing: Vastra/Jenny, Doctor Who
Plot: It’s Vastra and Jenny’s first night as a married couple.
Length: 450 words

Jenny wasn’t one much for the Bible any more, not after the cruel lessons she’d picked up in the orphanage, the beatings she’d been given in God’s name. But she was passing fond of the story of Ruth and Naomi.

Her lady, her love, spoke her vows in the tongue of her own people: you are mine and I am yours and we are for and of each other. Jenny found a tattered old leatherbound book and gave the pledge she’d already made: where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. Strax made a poor preacher and a poorer judge, but he was no fool, and he mumbled something appropriately pious to someone’s god and only made two or three attempts to start a war.

Femslash February 2015 Challenge by WelshCakes68

Pairing: Sansa/Margery, Game of Thrones
Plot: A whole month of Sansa/Margery ficlets, including a wedding one! (It’s Chapter 10.)
Length: 27,000

“The Faith will not allow two women to wed.” Sansa argued to distract herself from Margaery’s closeness and tempting words.

“The Faith has wed woman to woman before, Sansa; countless of Targaryens for hundreds of years and they were sisters! This is far less unseemly.” Margaery argued with excited calm, the cover from sight and all of the pieces now in place giving her a manic sort of confidence, the emotion rushing over her face in waves.

“How will we…bed each other?” Sansa asked, flushing terribly. “It will all be for naught if they say the marriage is not consummated.”

“We…that will be a discussion for later, My Lady. I must have your answer for we are running out of time.” Margaery implored, beginning to get agitated again, whether due to timing, as she said, or the topic of conversation, Sansa was not sure.

Flu Love’s Kiss by PrincessCharming

Pairing: Regina/Emma, Once Upon a Time
Plot: The Love Flu makes its way around Storybrooke causing Emma to propose in the process.
Length: 7,000 words

“Please Emma, don’t,” said Regina worriedly, realising what was about to happen.

Emma just nodded like she expected that reaction and frowned a little. “You don’t even know what I’m gonna say yet.”

“You’re going to ask me to marry you.”

“You’re spoiling the ending.” Emma whined softly.

Regina bit her lips before whispering painfully. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t. Say yes.” Emma cradled Regina’s face with both hands and ran her thumbs across her cheekbones. They were pressed close, thigh-to-thigh and hip-to-hip.

Will you still love me tomorrow? by alterocentrist

Pairing: Laura/Carmilla, Carmilla
Plot: Promising someone “forever” is even more complicated when one of you is a vampire.
Length: 9,000 words

Never in her wildest dreams did Carmilla imagine that her Sunday evenings would be spent watching old seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, cuddled up to her girlfriend on the couch in their one-bedroom apartment in Berlin. Strangers might say that it was unusual, yet heartening, to see a couple in a state of security that was basically impossible at the age of twenty-three.

But Carmilla wasn’t twenty-three; she had been eighteen for almost three hundred and forty years, with the cynicism and smarts of a survivor to prove it. And Laura? Well, she was… Laura. Even four years later, she still refused to let the world chip away at her stubborn idealism.

Anything by clarias

Pairing: Korra/Asami, Legend of Korra
Plot: Korra and Asami try to work out their familial differences as their wedding approaches.
Length: 1,200 words

Asami fiddles with the pendant of her betrothal necklace, rubbing the carved circle of shell mindlessly between her finger and thumb. Korra watches her apprehensively. They’ve been engaged for long enough that she knows her fiancée has something on her mind.

Korra had actually only made the necklace after Asami proposed to her. She etched the Future Industries logo with painstaking care, going through three different attempts before it was properly balanced and geometric. Then with sweating hands she added the curls of cresting waves to its centre.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, kicking her foot gently under the table. “Place settings too much for your amazing brain?”

two and a double by sssammich

Pairing: Gail/Holly, Rookie Blue
Plot: Gail and Holly get married!
Length: 1,000 words

“How romantic,” Holly says as she brushes a lock of hair that’s fallen from its pin back behind her ear, “ditching your own wedding reception.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Well, of course it’s not me. I had to come looking for you, remember?”

“They’re just all so happy,” she comments with disdain. “It’s a giant room full of happy people. 90% of whom, may I add, I don’t particularly care for.”

“That’s like a prerequisite for weddings.”

Do you have any favorite wedding fics?

Fan Fiction Friday: 10 Valentine’s Day Stories to Warm Your Heart and Your Pants

Feature image courtesy of Fox

Graphic by rory midhani

Cupid’s Big Day Out is upon us, which means of course that I have tracked down ten Valentine’s Day-themed femslash stories to carry you through the weekend. There’s something for everyone here. Brittany and Santana playing around with a whole lot of kinks! Marceline melting you into a puddle of swoony goop with her love for Princess Bubblegum! T’Pring chomping down on Valentine’s Day cards because nothing says “Vulcan” like literally eating your feelings!

I hope your VDay is as gay as this post.

Sick Day by mustdefine

Pairing: Emma/Regina, Once Upon a Time
Plot: Regina takes care of Emma when she’s sick ’cause she’s a big ol’ softy Evil Queen.
Length: 6,000 words

Her second text is to Regina. It takes her three tries to compose something that makes any sense. Can’t pick up Henry today, can you take him for the weekend? Emma pushes the phone away the moment she finishes typing and buries her head in her pillow. She hears the phone slide off the edge of the bed and drop to the floor, but she can’t muster the energy to care, much less retrieve it when it buzzes a few minutes later. She’ll regret the missed opportunity to stuff her son full of discount Valentine’s Day candy over the next few days (and, okay, maybe give French toast another try, preferably without setting anything on fire this time). But she is definitely not up to the task of taking care of another human being right now. Dying, though. Dying’s definitely on the very short list of things she is capable of doing. She tries to go over that very short list just to make sure everything’s in order, but she keeps losing track of where she is, which makes for a rough couple hours of maybe-sleep.

Cupid’s Chokehold by lit_chick08

Pairing: Sansa Stark/Margaery Tyrell, Game of Thrones (AU)
Plot: Cupid hits Sansa and Margary with his arrows, which is a lot better than having Joffrey aim his crossbow at you.
Length: 1,200 words

When she gets off the train Friday afternoon, Sansa wears the skimpy lingerie beneath the outfit it took entirely too much time to pick out, her hair pulled into a fishtail braid Val did before rushing to class. Margaery is waiting, looking far more attractive in winter wear than any person has a right to, and Sansa inhales sharply through her nose when Margaery kisses her right there on the platform, her hot mouth a sharp contrast to the biting wind. When Margaery pulls back, Sansa surreptitiously glances around to see if anyone is watching them and discovers no one is looking at them.

some schematics showing me your front to back and in between by Shadowcrawler

Pairing: Jemma/Skye, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Plot: Simmons nerds out on Skye on Valentine’s Day.
Length: 2,500 words

Jemma can rattle off the neurological and biochemical effects of being in love with someone, and how being in love is highly beneficial for one’s health and well-being, without a problem. She can hypothesize about the sociological effects of the romantic tropes that popular fiction utilizes, even on those who insist that they don’t subscribe to those ideals. But she’s not very good at talking about her actual feelings. Especially for a culturally mandated event like Valentine’s Day. She hasn’t had to worry about it too much before, as even when she had someone special in the past, they never put much emphasis on the event. As her previous relationships were generally with fellow scientifically-oriented people, they had both agreed that the day was completely ridiculous and best ignored. But now she has Skye, and she feels like that makes it different.

My Heart in your Eyes by weepingnaiad

Pairing: Pepper Potts/Natasha Romanov, Marvel CMU
Plot: Natasha thinks she’s too hard for Valentine’s Day but that’s because she’s never celebrated it with Pepper before.
Length: 1,600 words

Natasha recognized the warmth from a spike of adrenaline shooting through her blood. It was the same as when she readied for a fight, but with one difference: her stomach was never in knots and she never blushed. Ever. But she was now. She blamed Clint for that. For this. He was the one that had dragged her away from her former life, brought her into SHIELD, given her a home and a family. People to love. It had to be Clint’s fault that Natasha had these feelings now, and not sisterly ones for Pepper, either.

Ladylike Pursuits by Gamma_Orionis

Pairing: The witches of Harry Potter
Plot: Valentine’s Day drabbles for nearly every Femslash pairing in the history of Hogwarts.
Length: 2,000 words

“I understand,” Luna said softly. “You don’t want her to know about me.”

“About us,” Ginny said quietly. “I don’t want her to know about us.”

Luna pushed herself up to her knees and kissed Ginny on her cheek. Her lips were soft and warm and gentle, and Ginny turned her head so that Luna’s mouth met hers. She held the kiss for a moment, tracing Luna’s lower lip with the tip of her tongue, then she pulled back.

“I’ll tell her someday,” she promised Luna, and Luna nodded.

It glows and it flows and your fire breaks through by el_em_en_oh_pee

Pairing: Santana and Brittany, Glee
Plot: Brittany and Santana celebrate Valentine’s Day with some hardcore kink.
Length: 4,500 words

“Hands back,” Brittany tells Santana, straddling her waist, the tough denim of Britt’s jeans brushing against the skin of Santana’s stomach, Britt’s long blonde hair tickling Santana’s chest as she leans forward and takes one of Santana’s wrists and carefully slips a cuff over it, closing it gently yet decisively, and moving Santana’s arm back up over her head so that she can move the chain of the cuffs behind a slat in Santana’s headboard and attach the other end to Santana’s other wrist. “I’ve got you where I want you now,” she tells Santana, smirking her perfect fucking little Brittany smirk.

Mahogany Cake with Fudge Frosting by vassalady

Pairing: Peggy Carter/Angie Martinelli, Agent Carter
Plot: Angie makes Peggy a cake for Valentine’s Day. (Spoiler alert: It’s not a cake.)
Length: 1,500 words

Angie started talking before Peggy could say anything. “Tomorrow’s Valentine’s, you know, and I don’t have anyone to send a card to, and I didn’t think you did either, so I thought, hey, why not a cake? I actually made this for my first boyfriend several years ago, but ma, she didn’t think I should.” Angie shrugged a shoulder as she talked. Although she could talk for long stretches without interruption, there was a nervous edge to her chatter. “I mean, the war wasn’t on yet, but he was German, and even with a lot of pro-German support still, ma thought it was a bit much, you know, an Italian girl and a German boy? Anyway, it didn’t really turn out then, but I’ve gotten a lot better.” Angie grinned and nudged Peggy’s shoulder. “Go on, try it.”

kiss quick by FreshBrains

Pairing: Allison Argent/Lydia Martin, Teen Wolf
Plot: Pure unadulterated Valentine’s Day fluff!
Length: 500 words

Allison closed the bathroom door, but left it open a crack—she would never admit it out loud, but when they got back to Allison’s house after a long day of fighting baddies with the boys, Allison was a little protective of Lydia. She liked having her close. As she rubbed her hair dry with a fluffy towel, she called, “Just don’t use all my Herbal Essences, you hate that raspberry smell.”

The shower turned off and Allison heard Lydia’s hair drip onto the tile. Lydia opened the door, wrapped in Allison’s pink bathrobe. “No, I hate the smell of it in my hair. It’s perfect on you. Besides, we can’t be those girlfriends who smell like each other.”

cherry pits by oktavia

Pairing: Marceline/Princess Bubblegum, Adventure Time
Plot: Marceline is determined to crush Valentine’s Day this year, in a good way.
Length: 1,000 words

Marceline was many things, but thoughtful and romantic weren’t typically the first things she would consider herself. When she remembered the way Bonnibel had stared at her last Valentine’s Day, wide-eyed with silent contempt, at the live five-pound gummy worm she had painstakingly boxed and stapled a big blue bow to, she decided that romantic was probably the last thing she was. It sang, was her defense, and she gave the giant rainbow-colored worm a shake. Sure enough, it did sing, but it was a power ballad by some big-hair glamrock band Marceline was into lately. Bonnibel wasn’t moved in the slightest.

All That Glitters is a Threat to Public Health and Therefore Banned by katiemariie

Pairing: T’Pring/Nyota Uhura, Star Trek (Movies)
Plot: T’Pring eats the Valentine’s Day card Uhura gives to her because: Vulcans.
Length: 500 words

“I apologize. However, is it not Human custom to imbibe the candy hearts one receives as part of the St. Valentine’s Day festivities?”

“Yes, but that wasn’t a candy heart. It was paper.” Uhura has to admit, in the taste department, they probably weren’t too different.

“I see.” T’Pring quirks her head to the side. “If it was not meant to be eaten, then why was it covered with sprinkles?”

Happy Valentine’s Day, love muffins! Share your favorite ooey gooey fics with me in the comments!