The Black Lesbian Movie Project
Welcome to Autostraddle’s 2019 Black History Month Series, a deliberate celebration of black queerness.
Hey, hello, what’s up!
As we know, I’m a huge fan of black culture. I also think that almost anything can be made better if it were gayer, so Autostraddle (bless their hearts) is giving me the chance to be the change that I want to see in the world. Allow me to butch up our favorite black movies, thereby even making them even MORE fantastic than they already are!
Coming to America
(L to R: Gina Yashere as Semmi, the best friend; Tessa Thompson as Imani, the love interest; and Lena Waithe as Akeem, the Crowned Prince of Zamunda)
Original Stars: Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall
Original Plot: Eddie Murphy stars as the Prince of Zamunda, who convinces his father, James Earl Jones, to allow him to leave home for the first time to look for his true love.
Now, Let’s Make it Gay: Lena Waithe, Tessa Thompson, Gina Yashere
THIS IS PRIME LESBIAN MATERIAL. I mean, everything is if you try hard enough, but imagine it: Lena Waithe – faced with the possibility of an unwanted arranged royal marriage in Zamunda – leaves her black ass country to come to black ass QUEENS, NEW YORK with her black ass best friend, Gina Yashere, to look for and fall in love with her black ass QUEEN, Tessa Thompson!
Bonus: John Amos, returning in his 1980s role as the love interest’s father, still suddenly turns nice and tries to kiss up once he finds out Lena is royalty, but James Earl Jones pulls a Mufasa on his ass and scares the shit out of him once he finds out John Amos DARED to treat his daughter as if she wasn’t good enough for Tessa Thompson. Because you see in Zamunda, where they are lightyears ahead of us, gay is not just good – that shit is fucking stellar!
Eve’s Bayou
(L to R: Lynn Whitfield as Roz Batiste and Viola Davis as the woman who will sweep her off her feet)
Original Stars: June Smollett-Bell, Lynn Whitfield, Samuel L. Jackson
Original Plot: Eve Batiste (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) is a young girl living in 1960s Louisiana when she finds out terrible secrets that can tear her family apart. Samuel L. Jackson plays the cheating husband, Louis. Lynn Whitfield is Roz, his wife, a black woman who has put up with a man’s bullshit for way too long. As Eve takes matters into her own hands, she learns that messing with spiritual magic affects more than just the one you cast your spell at.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Viola Davis
I AM HERE TO REPAIR ROZ BATISTE’S HEART AND I AM WILLING TO IMPOSE EVERY KIND OF MAGIC TO DO IT. Samuel L. Jackson is cheating on my girl and the whole Louisiana bayou knows it! I will not stand for it! So, when Roz and her sister-in-law Mozelle (Debbie Morgan) go out to the market and agree to get their fortunes told by a very-in-touch-with-her-easily-scares-children-side Voudou Priestess Diahann Caroll, imagine Roz’s surprise when Lady Diahann tells her that she’ll run into an answer that will solve all her problems later that very same day.
Who does my homie run into? NONE OTHER THAN VIOLA DAVIS, who smiles at Roz as they reach for the same vegetable. Roz is instantly smitten.
Friday
(L to R: Me as Craig and Nia Long as Debbie, my long time neighborhood crush and soon-to-be girlfriend)
Original Stars: Ice Cube, Chris Tucker, Nia Long
Original Plot: Ice Cube and Chris Tucker are best friends who are hanging out and getting high on a Friday. After losing his job, Craig (Ice Cube) spends the day sitting on his porch with Smokey (Tucker). They’re trying to figure out what to do with the rest of their day, when trouble comes along and decides for them.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Starring ME!
I’m not going to tell you that I pitched this post solely so all my favorite movies could have black lesbian leads and sidekicks.That is not why this came about at all. But, in this very movie, I will be the star because in my heart of hearts I believe that in some form of SOME UNIVERSE I’m destined to be with Nia Long.
You’ll see me in this movie shooting the shit with Smokey while we’re sitting on my porch, trying to figure out how not to get my shit wrecked by Big Worm and Deebo, and finally standing up to the neighborhood bullies instead of running away because HOW DARE DEEBO PUT HIS HANDS ON DEBBIE. Oh, and in the end? I get the girl.
Soul Food
(L to R: Wanda Sykes as Wanda Sykes, Irma P. Hall as Big Mama Joe, and CCH Pounder as Deborah, Big Mama’s oldest kept secret)
Original Stars: Irma P. Hall, Vivica A. Fox, Vanessa Williams, Nia Long
Original Plot: Every Sunday, a black family gets together for family dinner. The three sisters: Teri (Vanessa Williams), Maxine (Vivica A. Fox) and Bird (Nia Long) struggle with loving each other through the pain as they cope with the possible loss of the foundation of their family, Mama Joe otherwise known as Big Mama.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: CCH Pounder and Wanda Sykes for a special guest appearance
Maxine’s son, Ahmad, who looks up to Big Mama and is one of her closest confidants, is given an important truth one day. When he sneaks into Big Mama’s hospital room, he asks her why she always keeps an open chair at the table every Sunday. He’s expecting the same old story of how the chair is supposed to be a reminder that those they love are always welcome to join them even if they can’t always find their way back home. (Yo, sorry, not to hype myself up but that was a LINE! I got skills!) It’s the story that Mama’s girls have always recited with fondness as they think about their father.
This time, though, Mama Joe explains that it was for the woman she met at the grocery store fourteen years ago. Deborah (played by CCH Pounder). With a light in her eyes that Ahmad hasn’t seen before, Big Mama talks about the one who checked in on her nearly every day after she found her once tearing up in the vegetable department. The woman who came over when the rest of the family was busy at work or fighting or maybe even a mixture of both. The woman tried to get Mama Joe to worry a little less and laugh a little more. She saved the seat for the woman who pulled her from the kitchen to dance in the living room, all smiles, reminding Big Mama in that sing-song voice, “You weren’t born to stay in that kitchen all your life.” She saved the seat for the woman who knew after their dance was over, Big Ma would still go back and finish cooking. Because she knew cooking sprinkled itself into everything and everyone she loved.
At the end of the movie, Ahmad doesn’t just invite Faith – the cousin who only appears when she needs something and is misdirected as fuck, especially when she directs herself into her cousin-in-law’s pants – to the table. He invites Deborah, too. When everyone asks who she is, Deborah smiles and Ahmad says, “This is the woman that loved Big Mama in the way she deserved.”
(PS: Teri could have a girlfriend at a drop of a hat if she just chilled a bit. I’m imagining Bette Porter. Of course, because I still haven’t finished The L Word and I don’t know whatever possible true love Bette is supposed to have. But Jennifer Beals and Vanessa Williams ending up together as a badass hot lawyer dream team? It’s what we deserve.)
Also, Wanda Sykes NEVER comes to these family dinners and has no real role in the movie, but she happens to stop by for a quick second at the exact perfect time and everything is worth it ’cause she makes this face:
right when Vanessa Williams says the iconic line: “Faith fucked my husband!”
The Wood
(L to R: Danielle Brooks, Samira Wiley, and Janelle Monáe as three childhood best friends competing to lose their virginity in the gayest coming of age story yet to be told)
Original Stars: Taye Diggs, Richard T. Jones, Omar Epps
Original Plot: Two stories wrapped in one, a man gets pre-wedding nerves and his best friends have to get him back on track before the big ceremony. As they do so, they reminisce over their friendship and how they fell in lust and in love back when they were just three black boys in the late 80s making a bet to see who could lose their virginity first.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Janelle Monáe, Samira Wiley, Danielle Brooks
This is going to be the same tale of three black women that are trying to get to one of their gay weddings on time, but keep fucking shit up as the bride-to-be questions whether or not she can stay with one person forever. As they go through their day – running to exes for help, fucking up their outfits and generally just being self-imposing hurricanes of chaos – they reminisce about the bet they made as teenagers as to who could lose their virginity first.
Now, you may think, mmm okay, that’s cool whatever – but think about it: We’re talking about three black girls deciding to lose their virginity to other girls. In the 80s. In black ass Inglewood, California. This is the best movie you will ever see because who even has the range, the nuance, the depth, THE COURAGE to tell a funny ass story where three black girls are ON A MISSION TO LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY ON THEIR OWN TERMS AND THEY END UP HAPPY AS SHIT??? Get Ava DuVernay and Dee Rees in here, this needs to happen immediately.
Love & Basketball
(L to R: Sanaa Lathan as Monica and Gabrielle Union as Shawnee, high school enemies turned girlfriends)
Original Stars: Sanaa Lathan, Omar Epps, Gabrielle Union
Original Plot: Quincy (Omar Epps) and Monica (Sanaa Lathan) are two neighbors that love two things: basketball and each other. The movie follows them through childhood and early adulthood as they work through family troubles, relationships, and staying true to their greatest love: basketball.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Let’s keep Sanaa Lathan and Gabrielle Union and get rid of Omar Epps!
You and I both knew this was coming.
Let us remember the small, but important mean girl part played by Gabrielle Union. In the second quarter of the movie, Quincy and Monica have not gotten together yet and Quincy decides to date Shawnee (Gabrielle Union) since Monica can’t give him a straight answer about whether she likes him or not. Shawnee’s real pretty and loves to remind Monica that she’s not the kind of girl Quincy should be with. Because Monica is the type of girl that should be with Shawnee.
Instead of Quincy and Monica falling in love, Monica mistakes her feelings for Quincy as wanting to be with Quincy when she really wants to be like Quincy and date girls. This isn’t too much of a reach, Monica needs a treasure map and several compasses to acknowledge her feelings even though she’s always in them. Think about this, I really believe Monica usually forgets that emotions exist?? Like she can ball so hard motherfuckers wanna fine her, but does she know she’s also allowed to check in with her heart and be like “we doing okay in there, buddy?” Of course she doesn’t! And who better to remind Monica that she’s allowed to feel shit than the girl who gets a rise out of her the most?
Girl’s Trip
(L to R: Queen Latifah as Sasha and Regina Hall as Ryan Pierce, old college girlfriends reunited)
Original Stars: Regina Hall, Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Tiffany Haddish
Original Plot: Regina Hall stars as Ryan Pierce, a highly successful businesswoman, wife, and “next coming of Oprah” who decides to reunite with her college best friends at the Essence Music Festival. As she comes to terms with her failing marriage, she’ll need her friends now more than ever.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Still Regina Hall and Queen Latifah!
I have a 2,000+ word document on Girls’ Trip because THEY ALREADY COULD’VE MADE THIS GAY AND THEY ROBBED US. Ryan and Sasha (Queen Latifah) were most definitely together in college when Ryan got cold feet about coming out and instead started dating the football players because it was safer. She left Sasha and all her dreams in the dust. That’s already in the story, so all I’m asking for is the explicit declarations!!!
Show me where Ryan tries to talk to Sasha, but messes up all her words because she’s still supposed to be in love with her husband, except that’s not going well and Sasha is right here and she never thought she’d get to see her again. Has she gotten even prettier? Is that even possible? Is her smile even brighter? Ryan wonders to herself, “why have I been with that dude when I’ve only been reunited with Sasha for one day and already feel more at home than I have in years?”
I DEMAND to see Sasha pulling away from Ryan after Ryan refuses to open up to her out of fear of vulnerability. I want to hear Sasha tell her, “You hurt me. We were supposed to be IN LOVE together.” I want the heartache of watching Ryan recoil when she thinks one of those famous people at the festival can hear them. I need Ryan to tell Sasha how she really feels. In the closing scene of the movie, when Ryan gives that big motivational speech to all the black women in attendance that they deserve good love, the best love – I want for her to say she’s found that love in her best friend and for that cheating fuckface of her husband to walk on stage right when Ryan goes, “Like I’ve found in Sasha. Like I still do everyday.” CAUSE IM A CHEESEBALL AND I WANT IT.
Do The Right Thing
(L to R: Regina King as Mookie and Rosie Perez as Tina, girlfriends fighting on the hottest day of summer)
Original Stars: Spike Lee, Rosie Perez
Original Plot: It’s a hot summer day in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn as Mookie (Spike Lee) goes to work at Sal’s Pizzeria. As he makes deliveries, racism shows its face at just about every corner and the mostly black and brown neighborhood deals with subtle and overt violence.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Regina King
T H I S IS M Y S H I T. Regina King is taking over Spike Lee’s role as Mookie, the pizza delivery person who works at Sal’s and is the audience’s guide to the neighborhood. Sure, I want Regina King to be in this because I love her and I just think she and Rosie Perez would be good together, but there’s an even deeper reason I need this to happen. Aaron McGruder’s The Boondocks is one of my favorite comics and one of my favorite TV shows AND IN THE TELEVISION SHOW REGINA KING VOICES BOTH BROTHERS AND HAS NEVER BEEN PROPERLY RECOGNIZED FOR THAT. How will this movie change that? I don’t know, but what I’m saying is Regina King contains multitudes, her multitudes contain multitudes, and she’d be perfect in this. Then one of my favorite movies would be EVEN MORE PERFECT and we could add another classic to her already beyond amazing thirty year (and counting!) career.
The Best Man
(L to R: Regina Hall as Candace, the dancer; Sanaa Lathan as Robin, the fiancée; Nia Long and Gabrielle Union as Jordan and Murch, two college best friends)
Original Stars: Harold Perrineau, Morris Chestnut, Taye Diggs, Terrence Howard, Sanaa Lathan, Regina Hall, Nia Long
Original Plot: Harper (Taye Diggs) is a new writer that, thanks to being picked by the Oprah Book Club, is about to blow up. But as he joins his college friends for his best friend’s wedding weekend, his book digs up years old drama in the crew. Important for our needs is Murch (Harold Perrineau), the nerdy friend in the bunch who’s in a loveless long-term relationship with the gold digging Shelby.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Gabrielle Union, and still… Nia Long!
Literally everything in this movie stays exactly the same except for two things:
1. Murch is now played by Gabrielle Union. She gets Candice (Regina Hall) to fall for her after reciting an Audre Lorde quote to her at the bachelor party where Candi is dancing. Yes, that really is a plot point from the movie.
2. Jordan (Nia Long) has most definitely been trying to figure out her sexuality. As soon as she sees Robin (Sanaa Lathan) at the church, she’s like “Oh shit.” Is it my life’s goal to make Sanaa Lathan and Nia Long play more lesbian parts? Of fucking course! That would be magical, like imagine if we had a bunch of our favorite actresses decide to do more woman-loving parts? We deserve this.
House Party
(L to R: Teyana Taylor as Play, Nafessa Williams as Sharane, Karrueche Tran as Sydney, and Zazie Beetz as Kid)
Original Stars: Kid ‘N Play, AJ Johnson, Tisha Campbell
Original Plot: As Kid dodges bullies, cops, and gunshots to get to his friend’s house party, he tries to get the girl of his dreams and make a name for himself as one of the best rappers in his school – all before his dad figures out he snuck out. There’s lots of 90s dancing.
Now, Let’s Make It Gay: Zazie Beetz, Teyana Taylor, Nafessa Williams, Karrueche Tran
Zazie Beetz is Kid, a young, mostly dorky girl in that “everyone wants to date her sort of way.” She gets suspended from school and needs to keep her dad from finding out before her best friend’s party starts. After trying to stay ahead of a bunch of Mean Girl style bullies and outsmarting cops all night, the party officially begins when Kid walks in. Teyana Taylor is Play, who’s hosting the party and trying to keep the shenanigans to a minimum ’cause “ain’t nobody fucking up my mama’s house.” Kid ‘N Play both have their eyes set on Karreuche Tran and Nafessa Williams, Sydney and Sharane respectively, the prettiest and most popular girls in school.
Guys, I only know for sure for sure that Teyana Taylor can dance her ass off, but I’ve been laughing at this set up all night. Please watch Claws and tell me Karrueche wouldn’t be funny as SHIT in this movie. As soon as some shit pop off, imagine her calm distant demeanor VANISHING as she moves people out of her friends’ way with a deep ass “MOVE, BITCH!” (of course Ludacris’ instrumental version of the song plays in the background). Try to tell me that Zazie wouldn’t play it really cool for like .25 seconds before finding out Nafessa has a crush on her. You tell me that Teyana Taylor wouldn’t look amazing slow dancing with Karreuche. (I’ve GOT EVIDENCE YOU’RE WRONG)
And here’s further evidence Teyana would play a great lesbian.
Look me in my eyes and try to LIE TO MY FACE.
No Filter: Danielle Brooks Meeting Maxine Waters Is a Mood
Welcome back to No Filter, an important reflection upon the week’s best queer celebrity Instagram and a pointed commentary on society at large. I can’t believe I do this for a job!
I thought it might be nice to kick things off with this absolute excellence:
Danielle Brooks meeting Maxine Waters on the #WMCAwards red carpet is just about everything there is pic.twitter.com/AJlkTTY7DY
— Tom and Lorenzo (@tomandlorenzo) November 2, 2018
Lena Waithe wants to know why we’re bothering to talk about anyone else today, and honestly I have the same question.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bpsp90Ql0uG/
This is an incredibly gay week for King Princess but this is I believe the gayest post in her Insta this week.
I wish anyone looked at me the way Samira Wiley and this dog are staring at each other.
Sarah Paulson voted for anything that’s not this American Horror Story.
Did you ever wonder what the process to turn Stephanie Beatriz into Stephanie Beatriz looked like? Now you know.
This picture of Ashley Benson is very nice but I cackled out loud at the following comment and people in my office looked at me so I had to be like “oh haha, just normal work stuff, this spreadsheet is hilarious.”
THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bpuee8WnOf7/
A woman after my own heart.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bpz86gxn380/
Dark princess of night Evan Rachel Wood has come to scream in your face like the Bent Neck Lady.
I have a real soft spot for mega fans of bands getting to meet or work with bands and I know Gaby is really into Blink-182 so I’m not even gonna make fun of her this week.
THANK YOU CLEVELAAAAND!!!
Join us next week, when I can get back to roasting Gaby Dunn at every available opportunity.
No Filter: Danielle Brooks Has Her Carrie Bradshaw Moment
Welcome back to No Filter, a once-weekly dive into the thrilling ocean that is celebrity Instagram. I’m not gonna lie to ya, this has been a slow news week! The world is busy falling apart and the tabloids can’t seem to keep up with the TERRIFYING ACTUAL NEWS. In any event, Kristen Stewart’s new Chanel commercial is out and it involves her angry-jumping into a wall of glass bricks. You’re welcome.
Look I don’t know how this dog is physically possible either, okay?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BYVLj8qnUZV/
Brittani Nichols took home a lifetime achievement VMA for overall cuteness.
Author Cara Delevingne took time out of her busy beach schedule to hobnob with Karl Lagerfeld and Joan Collins, I guess.
Ellen Page and Emma Portner have hit the “captioning Instagram posts with bee emoji” phase of their relationship, which is gag-inducingly precious.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BYU49ivAZfT/
Gaby Dunn, up to her usual shenanigans.
WELL OKAY.
Someone named a strain of sativa after Samira Wiley’s character on Orange Is The New Black; the big surprise is that this didn’t exist to begin with.
A lot of living in California is just stealing citrus from other people’s trees.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BYLhPd3B4q0/
While Kristin Russo and Samira Wiley are being very California, Danielle is having a real New York moment.
Join us next week, we’ll be serving hot fruit.
It’s Time to Free Orange Is the New Black’s Stars
I didn’t know what to expect when I started the pilot of Orange Is The New Black on the morning of the show’s release in 2012. I was living alone in Los Angeles for a summer internship between my junior and senior years of college. Well, I actually had four roommates, but I felt very much alone. I’d heard about this new series from Jenji Kohan through the internet and my job as a television critic for my school’s newspaper. I started the first episode and couldn’t stop. The Netflix binge model was new and exciting, and I felt compelled to keep going and going and going. It was the most queer characters I had seen on screen at once since The L Word, and I was still mostly in the closet. Even though the first season was so fixed in Piper Chapman’s wealthy white viewpoint, I was struck by all the new faces in the cast, by all the Black, brown, Latina actors comprising the massive and massively talented ensemble. When I finished the season, less than 24 hours later, I was tempted to start all over again. Instead, I followed the entire cast on Instagram.
Much to my joy, these women were obsessed with each other. Or, at least, they appeared to be obsessed with each other on social media. I’m not quite cynical enough to believe their friendships were forced as part of the show’s elaborate marketing campaign. Taylor Schilling celebrated her birthday with the cast! They all post pictures together year round. When I attended a Regina Spektor concert with my girlfriend, we stood feet away from a group of Orange cast members, who all went wild for their own theme song. I remember my delight when many of the cast members were seen together at various Pride events after the first season, a tradition that has continued every year since, with new seasons always dropping during Pride month. Again, I was still struggling with my own sexuality, and as silly as it sounds, seeing these women who I was quickly becoming obsessed with celebrate Pride meant something to me.
Since the beginning, Orange Is The New Black has championed fan interaction. Orange Is The New Black and Netflix didn’t invent television social media campaigns. But because the binge model was new and meant that people could easily watch in a weekend and then move on to the next thing, OITNB had to find a way to stay in the conversation, so it used social media to keep fans active. It even won a Webby for its social media campaign in 2014. But as Raechel Anne Jolie and Melody Hoffmann write for Bitch, the show’s social media presence has become increasingly tone-deaf and counterproductive to shedding light on the horrors and injustices of the prison industrial complex. “From mugshot fan selfies to gimmicky ‘Pornstache’ t-shirts, the Instagram account promotes humor and joviality in the context of imprisonment,” they write.
A show about the horrors of prison shouldn’t make you want to watch it over and over and over again. Orange Is The New Black has always intentionally mixed drama with comedy in a jarring way with varied results. Sometimes, it works, reminding that violence and danger can manifest at any time in prison. But in the later seasons of the show, the writers’ attempts at injecting Litchfield with levity have fallen completely apart. This fifth season attempts to grapple with a prison riot and fails spectacularly. The same problem with the show’s social media presence has seeped into the show itself, mining pain, violence, and racism for comedy to the point where Reneice Charles actually had to remind people that slavery is not funny.
The novelty of the cast’s diversity quickly wore off. If your media representation discourse centers quantity over quality, you’re missing the point. Many of the characters being played by the show’s Black and Latina actresses aren’t necessarily poorly written. They’re dynamic, layered, real. But by constantly inflicting violence on these characters, Orange Is The New Black has created a theater of horror that replicates and even glorifies the real world’s violence toward women of color. And it’s all for what? To make a point? To inspire change? No, it’s grotesque tragedy porn, as Alaina Monts describes in their recap of this season’s most horrifying episode. And it has become far too exhausting as a queer woman of color to watch as the show keeps making jokes out of white supremacy.
And yet there still seems to be a sense among the writers of this show that they’re doing something noble, that they’re inspiring people to care about prison conditions. Jenkins Kohan has said she hopes to “provoke conversation and dissention” with the show. But Orange Is The New Black has inspired viewers to write fanfiction, not to write their representatives who profit from the prison industrial complex. And the cast members have become props in this quest to foster fandom.
While I have become increasingly uninvested in the show, I still care about the cast. I still become embarrassingly giddy when they post pictures together. I still wonder if I’ll see any of them at events in New York. In season five, the writers attempt to coast by on the ta lents of their cast instead of engaging with the prison riot premise in a meaningful way. Yes, Danielle Brooks gives the best performance of her career, and yes she deserves all the awards, but she doesn’t single-handedly save the season. As brilliant as she and Selenis Leyva and Jessica Pimentel and Adrienne C. Moore and many of the other actors are in this new season, it doesn’t change the fact that the show has become the worst version of itself.
I agree with my friend and fellow critic Caroline Framke’s assertion that the best thing the show could do at this point is hit the reset button completely, starting over with new characters. I’d add to that argument that they should also fucking hire Black writers (the fact that it didn’t happen between seasons four and five is ridiculous). But Danielle Brooks has already confirmed she’s on for next season. I think Jenji Kohan and Netflix know full well there are people like me who will follow Danielle Brooks to the end of the earth. Maybe they’ll shake things up, but they’re not going to hit the reset button entirely.
The show has created stars, amassing a huge fan base. But the only good thing to come from Poussey’s death at the end of last season was freeing Samira Wiley to star in other shows. I want to keep seeing these incredibly talented women on television. Never before have my distaste for a show and love for its cast been so at odds. Kohan has been guaranteed two more seasons, and she has said she wants to end it after that. Hopefully, season seven will truly be the end, and hopefully, casting directors will scoop as many of these cast members up as possible. They deserve awards and attention, even if the show no longer deserves being lauded as revolutionary, game-changing television.
No Filter: Evan Rachel Wood Walks Into A Banana Museum
Welcome back to No Filter, your weekly collection of premiere celesbian Instagram. This week, this happened:
…but we’re here to talk about queer women and what they wore to the grocery store, so let’s do that instead.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSodfpajJ_V/
Evan Rachel Wood doing exactly what you’d think Evan Rachel Wood does.
I forgot to post pictures of Stella Maxwell every week so I forgot what she looked like but fortunately we ran into each other at the banana museum.
Triplets. pic.twitter.com/GnFeIB5vOj
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) April 8, 2017
What are Clea DuVall, Cameron Esposito and Sara Quin up to? Are they modeling button-downs? Are they plotting their own A-Camp?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSrM052gwEG/
YOU CALM DOWN, BRITTANI NICHOLS.
I can’t help but giggle at the idea of Cara Delevingne enthusiastically taking photo booth photos with pictures of herself.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSqkVvBhSE4/
Perhaps after a horrific week of reading the news you will be soothed by this image of Gabby Rivera holding a baby.
In case anyone was wondering what’s going on over at the butch ballet.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSv_JzrDDjs/
I LOVE SPORTS.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSls5MYgscp/?hl=en
I forgot that Ruby Tandoh was a person I could put in No Filter and now I’m mad with power.
Join us next week, when Brittani Nichols inevitably takes us all down in the showstopper challenge.
No Filter: Carrie Brownstein, Take It Down A Notch
Welcome back to No Filter, your weekly dose of celebrity Instagram with a side of whatever Kristen Stewart’s been doing with herself (this week, it was wearing Chanel to a Chanel Oscars party). This week, everybody went to the Oscars and it was very impressive and we found out that Caitlyn Jenner and Andreja Pejic are not dating (we didn’t even think they were, but OK!).
https://www.instagram.com/p/BRAd00MDNQp/
Look at this perfect queen eating chocolate in a limo. Janelle’s overall Oscar season Instagram situation has been really top notch.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BRAKvO2jSKl/
Carrie Brownstein wore this insanely perfect suit to a Sleater-Kinney show in Portland and none of us are ever going to look this good in a blazer so we might as well give up now.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BQ–I49jWcO/
DANIELLE BROOKS YOU CAN KEEP THE GIRLS UP ALL NIGHT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
#Transparent's @tracelysette is here! #SpiritAwards pic.twitter.com/OQdfCsNx1H
— IFC (@IFC) February 25, 2017
Trace Lysette, you need to calm down. I am actually upset by how long I’ve been watching this gif.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BQ36i6sjGLK/
Evan Rachel Wood is high again. Girl, it’s a cheetah.
Listen, I don’t know anything about knitting but I know that I am obsessed with this sweater Jasika Nicole made.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BREh7DKgFAj/
El Sanchez is here to inquire about the businessperson’s special.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BRAQHHyl0DZ/
You know what we haven’t been covering nearly enough of in this column? Sara Quin’s cat drinking a La Croix.
Join us next week, when I’d like to have a better understanding of who exactly Danielle Brooks is taping up. Is it me? I hope it’s me.
No Filter: Danielle Brooks Remains Optimistic
Welcome back to another invigorating installment of No Filter, in which we dissect the week in celebrity Instagram in hopes of inserting some meaning into our own bleak, monotonous lives. This week, I’m in Los Angeles and although I’ve spent my time in lots of celesbian-friendly haunts (LAX, hip Los Feliz coffee shops), I’ve yet to run into any of the regular subjects of this column. I call shenanigans. Regardless, these famous people continue to post pictures of themselves doing adorable things, and we’re here to document them, so let’s get to work.
Leisha Hailey and Alicia Silverstone have apparently been friends all this time and probably Alicia is feeding Leisha from her mouth as though she were a baby bird right this second. Honestly did not know these two were friends, but I’m delighted by it.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BN8cTy4FnLd/
The caption on this photo is inspiring by itself so I’m leaving it alone.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BN47pCQA4FE/
When you’re here, you’re family, apparently.
I will keep a tab with this video open all day long and no one can stop me.
This is the first one of these that made me feel really old.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNw59gpDqlp/
Danielle Brooks seems to have had a drastically different 2016 than the rest of us.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNkdXc0AQjT/?hl=en
Pretty much just now realizing we could have been including Bre-Z in No Filter all this time, so here she is living the dream and looking amazing doing it.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNxyaUzjNVc/
Brittani Nichols never understands how these things work.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNwlxDcB3Rc/
Just popping in real quick to remind you that Drake is Jewish but that this sweater is still extremely festive.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BN3V1xxjlIn/
“So what’s the deal with airline food?”
https://www.instagram.com/p/BN2FjFHFER4/
Raise your hand if you’re at all surprised that Cara Delevingne went to fucking Santa Con.
In uncertain times, at least we still have these two.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BN8YW4qjAAh/
Evan Rachel Wood is stoned.
Join us next week, when we’ll get Evan Rachel Wood into the chips and cookies aisle.
No Filter: First In Line For Ruby Rose’s Shark Movie
Welcome back to No Filter, a weekly gathering of only the finest queer celebrity Instagram postings from the previous week. This week, I learned that being a celebrity sounds horrible:
Bella Hadid caught looking at photo of ex-boyfriend The Weeknd kissing her https://t.co/TVkVIT6Jfs pic.twitter.com/eCSQ1aiz7G
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) November 30, 2016
Like, can you imagine? If some creep on the subway took a photo every time I nostalgically lurked my ex’s Instagram, I’d… Uh, that’d never happen because I never do that. Anyway, let’s get to work.
Cara Delevingne led some people at the Chateau Marmont in this mannequin challenge, a thing that doesn’t seem all that fun to do but KIDS THESE DAYS.
Laura Jane Grace met all these weed plants in garbage cans and she’s honestly never looked happier.
Mahalo, motherfucker.
Danielle Brooks’ Instagram account often gives me the false impression that we are old friends and she’s just filling me in about her day-to-day life. I would get a coffee with Danielle Brooks.
Honestly, if you think when this Ruby Rose shark movie comes out that I won’t be the first one in line to buy tickets, you are sorely mistaken. It’s my theoretical favorite movie already.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNQlLkKhhi5/
Esteemed and very famous author Gabby Rivera getting into the Christmas spirit.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNVZaf4gdNe/
THEY GOT THIS FUCKING CAT A TENT SO HE CAN GO ON OUTDOORSY ADVENTURES BUT THIS IS ALL HE WANTS TO DO.
I forgot Ellen Page and Samantha Thomas had this dog because they have the most seemingly steady, non-dramatic, secure relationship on the entire internet, and then they posted this amazing photograph of him turning into a shark.
Man, we haven’t checked in with those two Australian Bachelorette chicks in a hot minute and uh, they’re doing this.
Join us next week, when we continue our backyard safari with Bee and Holiday Quin.
No Filter: We All Need This Picture Of Stephanie Beatriz Today
Welcome back to No Filter. You know the drill; every week, we round up some queer celesbian Instagram and dissect it for our viewing pleasure. It’s been a fucked up couple of weeks, but now more than ever we need vapid fluff to offset a whole lotta darkness. Let’s do this thing.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNDv-pED_-j/
As of this posting this video has 1084 views and I’m at least half of them. It’s fine.
It was Jenny Owen Youngs’ birthday yesterday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY, and congratulations on your new career as an… ostrich farmer?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNF87EGh5XG/
I mean, OK, the media laughed at us for suggesting these two are dating but COME ON. These two are dating.
JIZ LEE RAN A HALF MARATHON and looks real cute. Can you win a marathon? I assume they won.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BM4VfPqj5cL/?hl=en
How bout this time Sara Ramirez shouted out our very own Gabby Rivera?
Stephanie Beatriz and a knife, I’ll be in my bunk.
Laura Jane Grace and Kate Bornstein are a shining light in this burning world.
This is actually a couple of weeks old but maybe you’ll find Ellen Page in a Peaches hoodie as healing as I do.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BM-rv8hDSGF/
This is a trifecta I can get behind.
I really miss these two together, honestly.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNCq6pRjAU7/
Gaby Dunn is full of life lessons, this is but one of them.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNEhZWiBKu9/
Honestly I am finding this video therapeutic today.
Join us next week, when Jenny Owen Youngs will train her army of ostriches to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
No Filter: You Can Wear Tegan And Sara As Socks Now I Guess
Welcome back to No Filter, in which we survey the week in celebrity Instagram and declare that it is good. This column is entering some kind of golden age in terms of lesbian media, in which we are actually getting ahold of a lot of celesbian tabloid stories before they officially break. As far as I can tell, this means we’re on the right track. Make fun of us for speculating about Carrie and Abbi all you want – it’s true, and so are Kristen and Annie, and there is nothing any of us can do about it. Kristen’s transformation into 2009-era Samantha Ronson is almost complete; she’s gotten really good at walking out of the Bowery Hotel like a grumpy, bleach-blonde little queer hipster grouch about three feet behind her obvious girlfriend. Anyway.
These two weirdos wrote a book and that book is out soon. Dan doesn’t look very sure about it.
Jiz Lee wants to talk to you about face masks.
Be Steadwell went to Miami, there are palm trees in the airport, probably got some cashews at Hudson News.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLrkvfYhq9j/
TBH this is the scariest movie I’ve watched all Halloween.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLtVV-mjpw-/
Taystee and Morello went to see Regina Spektor Monday night; personally we saw pretty much the rest of the cast rocking out to their own theme song Tuesday night. Do you think the cast of The L Word ever went to see Betty quite so passionately?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLpSgFcAc4h/
Meredith Graves is like a walking vision board.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLiRIXIA0nw/
I love when beautiful famous people post perfectly-lit selfies like, “OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW AWFUL I LOOK?” Sure, Ruby, OK.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BK9XmElBqFi/
Hey, what’s up, this is Queen Latifah being hip and with it and into what the kids are into and still really confused about what I’m doing in this column.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLrDJvCgp2P/
I literally can’t believe this exists. That’s all, I just had to share.
Join us next week, when our Ruby Rose socks finally arrive.
No Filter: Cara Delevingne Takes This Whole Movie Star Thing Super Seriously
Welcome back to No Filter, your one-stop shop for queer celebrity tabloid musings. This week, Kristen Stewart got an awkward hug from her girlfriend and somebody described this movie Ellen Page and Evan Rachel Wood are in as “a gorgeous, intimate two-hander” which probably means something filthy but I can’t tell. Additionally, inquire within if you’d like to hear my theories about Lindsay Lohan being potentially possessed by a demon. Anyway, Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BIRhWTJAIQB/
Thought we’d kick off this week with some very famous celebrities we haven’t checked in on in a while – Tegan and Sara’s cats.
If you’re not a cat person, perhaps you will enjoy this un-fucking-real video of Jenny Owen Youngs making friends with a dog. I have paused several times on the adorable expression of sheer joy on Jenny’s precious face.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BH-BFErDWl9/
We haven’t forgotten about you, Soko. Don’t you worry.
Tallulah Willis, are you one of our people or what? Just asking.
Here’s that super cute tribute post your girlfriend Lena Waithe made for you guys on your anniversary.
Remember when you fell and hurt yourself (?) and then your cool girlfriend Ellen Page was like, “No worries babe” and showed up at the hospital with a “Get Well Soon” balloon? Me neither, I’m too busy dying alone, but good for you Samantha Thomas.
Cara Delevingne and Margot Robbie are taking promo for their new movie very, very seriously.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BII_63yh65b/
I don’t know why this is so hypnotic but I’ve just watched it like six times.
Same.
Jiz Lee is doing EVEN MORE SPORTS!
Join us next week, when Jiz Lee single-handedly takes on the Olympics.
No Filter: Brittani Nichols And Carly Usdin Take Outfest By Storm
This week in celebrities I don’t follow on Instagram for various reasons, Evan Rachel Wood’s band had a concert and she played the theremin, an “angry” Lindsay Lohan tossed her Russian fiance’s phone into the sea and Selena Gomez kissed Ruby Carr and then was like, “HAHAHA, CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!?!” Kissing girls is weird. Also, Kristen Stewart turns out to like recreational pain, which explains how she starred in so many Twilight movies.
https://twitter.com/Selenator/status/750365885462904832?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
One time I saw Lea DeLaria on a pink carpet only we were both waiting to watch Anna Nicole: The Opera and I didn’t say anything because WTF do you say to Lea DeLaria? Cool story.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHvTZsIAfj9/
These two are KILLING ME with cuteness.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHwJsETBxTt/
I have a buddy with a five-year-old who likes to sing along to this song but she thinks the words are “I gotta say hi all the time,” which I like better. Anyway this is Ruby Rose’s girlfriend Harley, who’s the co-founder, Vice President and head of marketing at a luxury skincare company. Makes sense.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHUXAC-jwdy/
Check out Amandla on the cover of Elle with all these queer fashion icons.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHqAPB5DxXm/
Same.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHlbjmYDyL1/
Can you even handle how talented and goodlooking these two weirdos are?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHqDwlqBEo6/
Looks like everybody famous was casually hanging out at this wedding, where Kristen Johnson officiated and Danielle Brooks sang and these two really just looked drop dead gorgeous.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHvF3lKDJXu/
This is the most luxurious two people have ever looked when en route to Newark.
These two dorks, being huge dorks.
Heroes making the magic happen.
Sure, OK.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHiz3WUD8ji/
WHY IS KREAYSHAWN SO FUNNY I DON’T UNDERSTAND
Queen Latifah looking cool as a cucumber, still wondering what she’s doing in this column.
Join us next week, when we’ll get back to very important business, like what Tegan and Sara’s cats are up to.
No Filter: Samira Wiley Knows What We’ve Been Thinking
Welcome back to No Filter, where we unpack the week in celebrity Instagram and use the mundane images of famous people’s lives to give our own lives meaning. This week, Jenny Owen Youngs wrote a theme song for a television show I’ve never watched and it’s been the highlight of my entire week. Let’s get to work!
Introducing a new feature of No Filter, already popularized by Amandla Stenberg: Queers of note posing in idyllic landscapes. Arabelle Sicardi is enjoying this scenic overlook and you should too.
Samira Wiley’s pride outfit nails it.
Against Me! took newly out Beatrice Martin (Coeur de Pirate) on stage in Toronto and it was pretty adorable.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHNCAGVBHuR/
Like, I know objectively that Taylor Schilling and Piper Chapman are two different people and that Piper Chapman isn’t real (and that that’s Piper Kerman, OKAY I KNOW) but there’s definitely a part of me that’s rolling my eyes like, “Of fucking COURSE you have a stunt double in prison.”
I have never watched Rizzoli and Isles but I would start if this became the theme song.
Well these two are really cute.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHI5jUaDtQ3/
The composition of this picture is insane, like I don’t understand why Amandla’s Instagram isn’t in a museum.
Resident party animal Carly Usdin found a quiet place to relax at VidCon.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BHF0Bkygfzs/
St Vincent is working really hard to match Amandla’s Instagram game and it’s working.
Queen Latifah wonders what she’s doing in this column.
Join us next week, when Amandla Stenberg probably branches out into Instagram sculpture, somehow.
No Filter: Oh God Tegan And Sara Are Ruining My Life In These Masks
Welcome back to No Filter, Autostraddle dot com’s top source for finger-on-the-pulse celebrity happenings. This week, a lot of gossip blogs told me that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were secretly aching to get back together, which doesn’t sound super true. In lieu of that, here’s a bunch of famous people having a much better day than we are! Let’s get to it.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BGc75dssU-w/
Here are Ingrid Nilsen and Jules Kutner, pretending love isn’t a lie.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BGourMUJqNT/
Are you ready for the new season of Orange Is The New Black? I’m incredibly not ready. Look at these faces!! Who could be ready?!? Dascha Ponanco is busy looking extremely mysterious.
And then Gabourey Sidibe just creeps into the picture like it’s NBD, everything’s fine.
Allegedly these two are dating! Look at those two symmetrical faces next to each other! That could be a thing, alright!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BGdQcXEG1by/
Amandla Stenberg graduated, probably played that Vitamin C song like 800 times.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BGP12rRK6XG/
Just thought I’d sneak this picture of some really goodlooking A-Camp staff into this week’s edition.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BGaEUtqOKqf/
If you’re into imagining being in a video game where you fight Demi Lovato, this video is definitely for you.
Seems like a good time to appreciate these two and all they have to offer. Yes I am using Samira Wiley as a coping mechanism this week, why do you ask?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BGfu65NGFZF/
I’m really upset.
Join us next week, when no matter what we choose to focus on, these Tegan and Sara masks will follow us forever.
No Filter: Jenny Owen Youngs Can’t Be Tamed
Welcome back to No Filter, wherein we celebrate the photos that famous people have posted about themselves and try to imagine that we are learning valuable things about their lives and that this information adds meaning to our own lives. This week, some really goodlooking people are hanging out with animals, and some really goodlooking people are eating breakfast, and one really goodlooking person is actually a monster from Looney Tunes. Let’s get to it.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BFqK2u4K6dd/
Hello would you like to look at Brittani Nichols with a baby bunny?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BFncCtTMZbG/
How about Ruby Rose with a wombat? Doing anything for you?
Hannah Hart giving me very serious Strongbad vibes right now.
This is the actual best thing.
If your girlfriend Lena Waithe hadn’t captioned this, I probably couldn’t tell she was having a good time.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BFzetIPwcWj/
Shots fired.
Uh, I’m just saying:
https://twitter.com/mollylambert/status/733031332628959233
https://www.instagram.com/p/BFrYfcEwTeB/
However, Annie Clark is the most nonchalant porcelain doll eating breakfast with Pussy Riot that I’ve ever seen.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BFfk_dbpqNx/
Damn, Danielle.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BFoqBZQsrX2/
LOOK AT THIS FACE.
Next week, I’m gonna be on a mountain with the rest of the A-Camp weirdos but I promise I have something very special planned for you and your eyeballs.
No Filter: Samira Wiley And Rose Rollins Smile Together, Angels Sing
Welcome back to another rousing edition of No Filter, your weekly one-stop shop for all the news that’s unfit to print in any respectable publication. This week, a lot of people put on very shiny outfits and had their picture taken, and some other people dressed up as clowns. Let’s get down to business.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BE3UQqBJqP5/
Danielle Brooks and Loretta Devine, star of my favorite breakup movie of all time (Waiting to Exhale) and also my heart. Danielle’s right – someone needs to put these two in a movie together immediately.
Oh wow. Do you think they had a cutest laugh competition? Probably woodland creatures appeared all around to cheer them on and a tiny bluebird fluttered between them and perched upon the shoulder of the winner. Who do you think it was?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BE9xrJdOKvU/?hl=en
First of all, Mey’s girlfriend Demi Lovato looked amazing at the Met Gala. Second of all, Nicki Minaj looks like the singer of a band I’d listen to in high school. Third of all, the look she’s giving Demi is amazing. We’re not going to talk about Jeremy Scott.
I just assumed this was what Cara wore to the Met Gala.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BE9NGxvK6cc/
Brittani Nichols keeps getting exponentially more adorable.
Oh hey, did you hire Kate Moennig for your kid’s birthday party? Cos she’s here and she’s ready to make balloon animals.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BEv3J3XMZTH/
I know everyone had a lot to say about Ruby Rose’s acting skills on OITNB but these people were very nice and found her a role as a tree in their latest picture.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BE8dmp2G1Qw/?hl=en
I guess Amandla, Aja and Lupita got really bored at the Met Gala.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BE7clarxx1x/
Even my grandparents would be impressed.
Join us next week, when Kate Moennig shows up with the cotton candy machine and pony rides.
No Filter: Kristen Stewart’s New Girl Friend Is Whispering Secrets Into Her Mouth
Welcome back to No Filter, a column with its finger on the pulse and its tongue in its cheek and probably a lot of other places. This week, a lot’s going on — everybody’s dating or presumably not dating everybody else and I’m all up in their business like a nosy Jewish grandmother. We at Vapid Fluff HQ work tirelessly to provide you with the queerest in supermarket tabloid journalism, mostly via Instagram.
This week in celebrities having relationships a lot more fulfilling than mine, here’s Sarah Paulson admiring Holland Taylor admiring a painting:
When captions fail… @HollandTaylor #AnnRichardsisBoss #Annatthezach pic.twitter.com/fOWDJe59nU
— Sarah Paulson (@MsSarahPaulson) March 14, 2016
Hey, do you guys know about Soko? Her record “My Dreams Dictate My Reality” was one of my favorites of the past year. Anyway, she was recently spotted being really adorable with Kristen Stewart in Paris, and you know what that means — these two are FRIENDS. VERY GOOD FRIENDS. Look at Soko whispering all her secrets into Kristen’s mouth! Look at these goddamn flowers she greeted Kristen with at the airport! If Kristen threw a party and invited everyone she knew, the biggest gift would for sure be from Soko.
The most impressive thing about Lauren and Samira’s picnic is that it appears that Duncan the dachshund has solved a Rubik’s cube all by himself. He can’t even see colors! Way to go, little dude.
Here’s one of the few pictures on Queen Latifah’s instagram that isn’t a promo shot for her new movie. I guess this is too. Whatever, the point is: we’re covering Queen Latifah now. She isn’t dating Paula Patton.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BCe14FYrJSF/
Leisha Hailey is taking hip-hop dance classes now? Leisha Hailey is taking hip-hop dance classes now.
Laura Jane Grace’s guitar stares out the window pensively.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BCyQ4XrJqMN/
Damn, Danielle – back at it again with the white vaaaans.
Ingrid Nilsen caught you this fish with her bare hands.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BCvk_urwqXh/
Kreayshawn is an actual cartoon. You oughta see her paintings of tunnels.
Join us next week, when hopefully we’ll know a lot more about the nature of this blossoming friendship between Kristen Stewart and Soko.
No Filter: Oh My God Danielle Brooks
Welcome back to No Filter, in which we unpack the week’s celebrity social media like a pack of hyenas tearing apart a zebra. All week long, famous people post flattering photographs of themselves in vivid Valencia, and we collect said images and pore over them as though we were meaningfully involved in said celebrities’ lives. It’s extremely fulfilling. Let’s hop to it!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BCnobJ0pqK2/
I cannot handle Danielle Brooks right now and hereby award her this week’s coveted Crush of the Week Award.
Sarah Paulson maybe got a trim, maybe got an alternative lifestyle haircut, maybe is a total weirdo who walks around hair salons and steals the discarded clippings off the floor (Update: she got a cute trim, not the Marcia Clark Makeover Special).
https://www.instagram.com/p/BCmgYu9xx_s/
For #squawkgoals, Carrie Brownstein gets a gold star this week.
Samira you are actually killing me.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BCjanTGi4Js/
This might be one of the gayest photos I have ever posted in this entire column, which is saying a lot. Thanks, Kaki King!
Ran into this little lady the other day! @KREAYSHAWN pic.twitter.com/IoxR1iumf9
— Danny Trejo (@officialDannyT) March 8, 2016
When Danny Trejo brags about meeting YOU, you’ve really made it, kid. Someone please tell me Kreayshawn will be in the next Machete movie.
As a longtime America’s Next Top Model fan I’m personally pretty excited to see Isis King, but everybody’s look is on point here.
Just thought you might need to look at Jiz Lee and their trainer’s biceps today. Jiz Lee goes to a queer gym?!?! This is almost inspiring me to exercise.
What would you do if you saw Camila Grey leaning against a wall, casually twirling her chapstick?
Join us next week, when hopefully we’ll find out what’s going on with Sarah Paulson’s hair, among other pressing issues.
No Filter: Lena Waithe Spends Valentine’s Day With Minnie Mouse And Maura Pfefferman
Welcome back to No Filter, a weekly gathering of the most adorable photographs posted by queer celebrities on this vast internet of ours. Valentine’s Day was this weekend, and a lot of these weirdos posted gooey, adorable things about their partners. I figured Holland Taylor would be all over this, but turns out she spent her Valentine’s Day giving this random Twitter follower advice on how to prepare for her Latin test:
@sarahislife__ make your own luck, too…. prepare calmly ahead of time, get extra sleep & eat well in the morning before the test. Be cool
— Holland Taylor (@HollandTaylor) February 14, 2016
Thanks Holland Taylor! Anyway, here are some pictures of goodlooking famous people doing important things.
Guess who figured out how to embed Ellen Page’s instagram this week?!?!? Anyway, Ellen Page’s dog is so cute I can’t actually handle it, and if he would like to join the A-Camp Family Band he is more than invited.
St. Vincent so rarely posts photos of herself, but Shirley Manson met Annie (and Missy Elliott, I guess) and fangirled out. Apparently the Missy Elliott rendezvous was masterminded by Katy Perry, making this the first thing Katy Perry has ever done that I wholeheartedly approve of.
This is how overjoyed your girlfriend Lena Waithe was when you surprised her with a trip to Disneyland. You guys held hands on the teacups and shared a frozen lemonade, and she asked a stranger to take a picture of you two with Goofy.
And just because I will use any excuse to post more pictures of Lena Waithe…
THIS IS HAPPENING, EVERYBODY.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BBx-AZxGFUZ
This is just the Canadian national pastime, I guess.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BByeaZ4MZXZ
We look at Ruby Rose’s face like every freakin’ week WILL YOU JUST LOOK AT THESE DOGS?!
Lea DeLaria is just so damn cute in her Miami get-up that I can’t actually handle it. Also, that cocktail looks horrific.
Brittani Nichols, you live in LA, there are no seasons there. Calm down.
I just thought you might like this.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BB1LiSRrmnD
Angel Haze and DJ Kittens spent Valentine’s Day getting really hydrated.
Danielle Brooks and Janet Mock are SO POPULAR YOU GUYS.
Beth Ditto’s clothing line is so neat.
Laura Jane Grace crushin’ it at the First Unitarian Church in Philadelphia.
Join us next week, when we finally crack the code to getting Evan Rachel Wood on Instagram and into our hearts.
No Filter: The Force Is Strong With Laura Jane Grace
Welcome back to No Filter, a weekly gathering of the best celebrity Instagram posts the universe has to offer. This week, a bunch of famous people made cute faces while doing enviable things. I didn’t change out of my pajamas or talk to another living soul for two full days. Who wore it best?!??!!
I don’t usually cover Lady Gaga in here but this week her record company just up and gave her a fucking horse. Earlier this week, she dedicated multiple posts to her complex process of creating a ton of seriously delicious-looking homemade pasta. Lady Gaga is the MVP of this week…
JK, it’s definitely Laura Jane Grace, who somehow achieved levels of nerd previously unseen:
@LauraJaneGrace We'll be listening for it! #TrueTransForceRebel
— Star Wars (@starwars) December 20, 2015
…and now there’s a petition to get Laura a role in the next Star Wars film.
https://instagram.com/p/_j4FZDrmmJ/
An anonymous tipster recently asked us if Angel Haze and DJ Kittens are dating, since they seem to be flirting on Twitter an awful lot these days. Our current theory is yes, but it may be soon to tell. Do you have intel? Please talk to us.
https://instagram.com/p/_iE0MLmFV_/
No, you’ve been watching this video on a loop for ten minutes.
This week in Too Adorable To Live, Ellen took Samantha on a skiing trip for her birthday and all of these Ski Free references in the comments are perfect and amazing.
Aretha Franklin came to see Danielle Brooks in The Color Purple and allegedly spent the whole time taking pictures on her phone, but look how cute these two are here.
Are you sick of celebrities with puppies yet? Cos I could keep going indefinitely.
Cara Delevingne has had about enough of the paparazzi, and I can’t say I blame her.
Leisha Hailey and Camila Grey take in Star Wars in style.
Join us next week, when Tegan and Sara’s cats ride off into the sunset with Ellen Page’s dog on Lady Gaga’s horse. It’ll be beautiful.